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00:00Welcome
00:28to St Saviour's on this rather cold Sunday morning.
00:33It's nice to see so many faces here today who are so familiar.
00:39The Lord be with you.
00:42And also with you.
00:44Almighty God, to whom all hearts are open,
00:47all desires known, and from whom no secrets are hidden,
00:52cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of your Holy Spirit,
00:56that we may perfectly love you and worthily magnify your Holy Name.
01:01Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
01:05Amen.
01:06I thought the salmon was electrifying today, Adam.
01:09It gave me shivers.
01:11Thank you, Rodeo.
01:12It's hard to be rousing when there's only five of you.
01:23Can I have a word with you, Adam?
01:24Hello, Archdeacon. How nice to see you. I wasn't expecting you.
01:27I'm a bit worried about you, Adam. Is everything okay?
01:29Yes, yes, yes.
01:30Where is everyone?
01:34Where's your congregation?
01:38Oh, I see.
01:39Well, Colin and Odo are over there, and...
01:42Good morning, Archdeacon Robert.
01:44Yes, where is everyone today, Nigel?
01:46Oh, yes, it's an upsettingly small turnout today.
01:49Is there a tube strike on?
01:50No.
01:52Alex is at the police station, isn't she?
01:54Oh, yeah.
01:55Well, that's one.
01:56Yes.
01:57Alana has gone to the Primark sale.
01:58Steve Warwick's taken his daughters to gymnastics.
02:00Mike Swan has a cheese stall at the farmer's market.
02:03Margaret has gone to visit her mother just at home.
02:05Nigel, I don't need the individual GPS location
02:08of every single member of your congregation.
02:12Unfortunately, Archdeacon, the reality is
02:14sometimes people just don't come.
02:21You're late paying your parish share again.
02:23There's another cheque on the way.
02:24Is there?
02:25What was your congregation plate this morning?
02:27Erm, £60.
02:28You mean 20?
02:29No, no.
02:30It was much more than that.
02:31It was, er, 40.
02:32It was £24.07.
02:34I saw you putting in 20 yourself.
02:36It's not against the rules, is it?
02:38Well, there's a general feeling that you're letting the side down a bit.
02:42Not my words, of course, the words of the area dean.
02:44You know how the wealthy parishes grumble
02:47when their money subsidises empty churches.
02:50This isn't an empty church.
02:52The congregation will be back up next week.
02:54Will it?
02:55OK, I'll be back then to see if you're right.
02:57Would you care for some instance?
02:58No.
02:59Can't linger.
03:00I've got tickets for Chelsea Man U.
03:03Oh.
03:05There you are.
03:07Double your collection plate.
03:09What's Rowan talking about now? Is it interesting?
03:20He's talking about his childhood in Swansea.
03:23You've been reading that bit for three months.
03:25Well, you know, it's not a quick read, isn't it?
03:27Easy read.
03:29How about you put Rowan down and hold me instead?
03:33Do you think I should do a leaflet drop?
03:47What?
03:48I've got to increase my congregation numbers.
03:51Sorry.
03:52I can't help it.
03:53I've got to get my numbers up.
03:54You know, sometimes weeks go by without us having sex.
03:57No, they don't.
03:58Yes, because one or other of us is always too tired or distracted by work.
04:04We need to rekindle things, darling.
04:07I want some excitement.
04:09I want to be seduced.
04:11Now?
04:13No, not now.
04:15But soon.
04:17Yeah.
04:18Would you like me to dress up as a vicar?
04:24Dear Lord, if you don't mind me bringing this up, could you give me more energy in bed?
04:30I'm so exhausted all the time and it's not fair on Alex.
04:34She deserves to be happy.
04:36Please help me find more time and energy for her and it.
04:40And please help me get my numbers up.
04:43Why do you make finance such a constant daily issue for us?
04:46Shouldn't I be spreading your word and building the kingdom rather than worrying about money?
04:51I gather wine's a good investment at the moment and property in Bulgaria.
04:56And I hope you don't find the size of my flock insultingly small.
05:01If you've got any ideas on how to fill this place, I'd love to hear them.
05:06Hello.
05:07Can I help you?
05:08Hi.
05:09Yes.
05:10You must be Adam?
05:11Yes, I'm Adam.
05:12I'm Darren.
05:13Love your church, Adam.
05:15It's awesome.
05:20Adam, we've got renovations going on at St James's for the next few weeks.
05:24I'm looking for somewhere to bring my congregation next Sunday.
05:27Oh, you're a priest, are you?
05:28Yes.
05:29Yes, I'm Darren.
05:31I'm the vicar at St James's in Fulham.
05:33Ah.
05:34Well, my lot would absolutely love this place.
05:37Awesome organ.
05:39Thanks.
05:40It's broken.
05:41How large is your congregation, Darren?
05:43Three or four.
05:44Hundred.
05:45Three or four hundred?
05:47Yeah.
05:48Do you have space for us all for a Sunday?
05:50Um, probably, perhaps.
05:53How would you describe your worship at St James's, Darren?
05:56Um, we mostly use the International Bible.
05:59Ah.
06:00But we don't have to.
06:01You're Charismatics, then?
06:02No.
06:03I'd say we are evangelical, but in a kind of chilled, friendly way.
06:07You know?
06:08We love God, but we're not out to convert people.
06:11Right.
06:12Because I do have a problem with the way that the Charismatics sometimes seem to let their emotions supplant theology.
06:17Yeah, me too.
06:18Why don't I come down here on Sunday and give a little service?
06:21If you like us, we can hook up more often, and if you don't, absolutely not a problem.
06:27They really are a very, very cool bunch.
06:31Do you think your whole bunch would come?
06:33Absolutely.
06:36Well, all right, Darren.
06:38Let's try it once and see how it goes.
06:40Awesome.
06:42Thanks.
06:45Of course I have fantasies.
06:46What are they, then?
06:47They're just, you know, male fantasies.
06:52They're all about you.
06:54Yes, of course they are.
06:56Then that doesn't make them fantasies, does it?
06:58Because I'm here.
06:59What's yours?
07:00Tell me yours.
07:01You know mine.
07:02It's all right.
07:05Toe me again.
07:07Sex in a lift, in public somewhere, being naughty when there are strangers around, dressing as a stripper, as a prostitute and being picked up by someone famous, being serviced by two faceless men who are only interested in satisfying me, being dominated, being tied up and captured by a man I'm sexually attracted to, who treats me very nicely while pleasuring me and then instantly falls in love with me in a lift.
07:29If only we had a lift.
07:34No, but they're, they're, they're just fantasies. They're not meant to happen.
07:38Maybe some of them.
07:39Perhaps the stripper.
07:41Or being naughty in public.
07:42Is it a bit tricky with my job?
07:44No, it isn't.
07:45I assure you.
07:51I love you.
07:52Thank you for cooking and cancelling the homeless meal for me.
07:55I love you too.
08:01Ignore it, please.
08:08It'll just be Colin.
08:09Might not be.
08:15Mick, I'm not giving any more money to you, okay, so can you please go away?
08:18No, no, no. See where it is, yeah? See where it is, yeah?
08:20I'm working now.
08:25Weren't you in this, Dan?
08:26It's nine o'clock at night.
08:27Is it?
08:28Ah, no problem, I work nights anyway.
08:30I'm going to watch telly.
08:32Bye, Mrs Vicar.
08:33Come back tomorrow instead, Mick, and I'll give you a sandwich.
08:37It's cool, it's cool.
08:38What do I do now since I'm here?
08:39No, thank you.
08:40Yeah, that's all right.
08:41Don't mention it, Vicar.
08:42Hello, Vicar.
08:43Hello, Colin.
08:44Watch out for that, Johnny.
08:45Goths have been shagging in the churchyard again.
08:49Disgusting.
08:50Some people are turning on by the strangest stuff, aren't they?
08:55I've never had sex at Al Fresco in fact.
08:56Maybe I should.
08:57It's all right for you.
08:58You've got Alex.
09:00I've been feeling a bit lonely meself.
09:01Sorry to hear that, Colin.
09:02Goths have been shagging in the churchyard again disgusting
09:06Some people are turned on by the strangest stuff aren't they?
09:11I've never had sex out of fresco in fact. Maybe I should. It's all right for you. You've got Alex
09:19I've been feeling a bit lonely myself
09:21Sorry to hear that Colin. I've had sex in years
09:25I don't appeal to women anymore. That's the problem. I know that. I'm sure that's not the case. Yes, it is
09:32Nobody loves me. Don't be silly Colin. We love you
09:36Yeah, but you're not gonna shag me though are you?
09:40It's just sometimes I have this terrible need to get me balls wet. Is that bad Adam? Would God be cross?
09:50There are different kinds of love aren't there?
09:53God's love is far more profound than physical love. It's powerful, ceaseless
09:59It's ineffable
10:02But sometimes you just want to stick it in don't you?
10:04Oh yeah
10:19Hi morning
10:22Darren
10:23Hey Adam
10:25Pretty awesome, huh? I didn't know you were gonna do all this. It's great, isn't it?
10:30I always like to joke that the more God loves you the better your P.A. system
10:37I haven't got a faculty permission for any of this. Don't panic. Keep your castle gone. We will have it put back to the cold barn it was before
10:46Jesus is awesome, isn't he?
10:48This all looks good Adam. A bit friendly. Oh, is this your idea?
10:52Um, no. Let me introduce you to Darren, our visiting preacher
10:55Darren, this is my wife Alex
10:56Hiya
10:57Hi. Are people allowed to watch telly during the service today Darren?
11:02Did you do the flowers?
11:04So sorry we had to move them all out
11:07No, because A. I never did the flowers and B. I was at work
11:11Alex is a solicitor. She does a lot of legal aid work
11:14Wow, good for you. Not just the vicar's wife
11:19People are gonna be arriving in about 30 minutes. Let's go help set up that smoothie bar
11:26What a knob end. It's fine. It's just one Sunday
11:30But he is very good-looking
11:32Adam
11:53Do come and meet
11:55Pip who runs our smoothie bar. Pip this is Adam whose church we're taking over
11:59What would you like vicar?
12:02Um, what's in a creamy tropical Jesus splash?
12:05Orange strawberry and pineapple
12:07Or may I recommend the Mary Berry Jesus explosion
12:11Okay, no, um, I'll have the splash not the explosion
12:14What's going on here, Adam?
12:16Hello, Edoa. You fancy a fruit smoothie?
12:19Don't you want me to do coffees as usual?
12:22Uh, not today, Edoa. Next week. It's smoothies today just for once
12:25This is wrong, Adam
12:28You know coffee should be served in church
12:31Not this girl's fruits
12:33And where are my flowers?
12:39Hello, everyone. Hello
12:43As the vicar of Saint Saviour's, I just wanted to welcome you all here today
12:47And what a lot of you there are
12:50It's a wonderful sight
12:51I'm delighted that Darren
12:53Hello guys, it's so good to see you all
12:56And how cool is it to be here in this awesome church
13:02And it is also great
13:05Jesus to have you here with us today
13:08We're gonna need some monster donations from you guys today
13:11If we're gonna reach our expansion targets
13:14So don't forget to fill out one of our standing order forms
13:17Or maybe a direct debit
13:18It's all very, very straightforward
13:19Of course, we do now accept all major credit and debit cards
13:22Now
13:23I want to talk about the adulteress
13:25In John's Gospel, Chapter 8
13:28Only last week I met a woman who'd given in to temptation
13:31A drug addict off her face on whiz
13:34This is great this vicar, isn't it?
13:36Give me some of that coin
13:38Thanks to our church and the healing power of Jesus' love
13:41She no longer does that now
13:43You see, we all have to fight against temptations in life, don't we?
13:46Yeah
13:47And I want to talk more about her journey to salvation
13:50But before we do that
13:52Should we get Icon up here?
14:04Let's hear it
14:34Send me your love, put my sins in remission
14:37I believe in you, Lord, you're not superstition
14:39Let me feel the power of your love
14:41Bring it like it was a shower from above
14:43Sing it, sing it, sing it
14:46Love me, take me, Jesus
14:48Make me feel brand new
14:51Love me, take me, Jesus
14:53I resurrected you
14:55Love me, take me, Jesus
14:58Make me feel brand new
15:00Love me, take me, Jesus
15:02I resurrected you
15:04Love me, take me, Jesus
15:06Yeah
15:08Yeah
15:10Thank you
15:14Anyway, she said, well, I didn't know that
15:16I thought it was the relief post, man
15:17Kill that, ain't it, eh?
15:25Oh, hi, Darren
15:27Thank you for that
15:28That was a real eye-opener
15:30Well, it's been an absolute joy
15:31We would love to come back next Sunday
15:33Well, I've been very glad to do this once, Darren
15:36But I'm afraid it won't be right to have you back again next week
15:40Why not?
15:41Well, if you'll allow me
15:43Because I think what you do is more of a show than a sacrament
15:46And I don't think it's quite right for my congregation
15:49Wasn't that the most wonderful service, Adam?
15:54Full of song and colour and emotion
15:57Oh, what a clever, gorgeous vicar you are, eh?
16:01So good-looking
16:07Hello, you two
16:08How are you getting along together?
16:10Yes, very well, thank you
16:11What an extraordinary service
16:13It certainly was memorable
16:15Great bunch
16:17Very clever of you both
16:18You know, I said to the father
16:20I said, father, I want all you've got
16:23And if it blows my mind
16:25Let it blow
16:26Yeah
16:28Did you experience Jesus?
16:29Oh, yes
16:30Several times
16:31I was just saying to Adam here
16:33How much we would love to come back next Sunday
16:35Ah, yes
16:36Well, we'll have to see
16:37I have a cheque here from my church to yours
16:39For ten thousand pounds
16:41I'm sure it'll go towards whatever it is you do here
16:44Goodness gracious, Darren
16:45That's very generous
16:46Yes, well, the dean will be delighted
16:48I hope we'll see some of the fruits of this, Adam
16:50Of course
16:51I'll send something through
16:52Okay, gentlemen
16:54Well done
16:55Enjoy your Sunday
16:57Play nicely
17:11Oh, hello, Anne
17:23What's your...
17:25I'm not Anne
17:27You're so cool
17:28Everything you do is success
17:32Ooh
17:35Make a room
17:36Rest
17:38The break them all
17:39Cos you are the best
17:40Yes, you are
17:44I'm Vivian
17:54What's your name?
17:55Don't you stop
17:56I'm Darren
17:57Look up in the air
18:03It's your time
18:04Oh, just get these
18:12Are you serious?
18:13As quick as you can, please, Lisa
18:15No way
18:16Shut up
18:18No, at the end of the day
18:19I didn't even call her a slag
18:21No
18:22No
18:22I didn't
18:24Seriously, babe
18:27Sorry, hang on a minute
18:31What?
18:34Oh
18:35Oh
18:38Oh, Darren
18:42Oh, Darren
18:43No, me
18:46Don't mind me
19:01Want me to do round the back?
19:03Sorry, I can't seem to get that hip-hop
19:17out of my head
19:18No, it's catchy stuff
19:20Very different from your services
19:23All that energy and pizzazz
19:24Must say, Darren is very good looking
19:27Yes, I've got an email from him here
19:29Saying he's looking forward to seeing me again soon
19:32He's not coming back
19:33No
19:34I was very clear to him
19:36Hello, Vickers
19:37I
19:38I've had the best time ever
19:40Have you? Where have you been, Colin?
19:41On a two-day
19:43big transformed course at Centre Parks
19:45I am so transformed
19:47St. James' lot
19:48They're just so friendly
19:50And they paid for everything
19:52Oh, there was parties
19:54And we talked about Jesus
19:55Yeah
19:56Check this, Vicks
19:57They gave us free stuff and a glow stitch
19:59This one says Jesus
20:02And this one says to transform
20:04And it was smoothies
20:05Oh
20:06There was so many smoothies
20:08And lectures on how to deal with sex
20:11And how to cure people of being a puff
20:13And the girls are mega hot
20:15I can't wait to see them all again this Sunday
20:17When they come back here
20:19Sorry?
20:20Hang on
20:21Darren's not coming back here this Sunday, Colin
20:23Yeah, they are
20:24They all are
20:25Darren's down there right now
20:27Awesome, yeah?
20:30I can't wait to see Pip again
20:33I think she really likes me
20:36So what exactly is the problem, Adam?
20:39We're all partners in the Gospel, aren't we?
20:42Well, the thing is I don't necessarily think that Jesus is absolutely the answer to every single question
20:47He is, though
20:48Well, I don't think so, I'm afraid
20:49I think that faith must encounter doubt
20:51And all I get from you is certainty
20:53That's right
20:54So I don't think a blending of our styles is going to work, I'm afraid
20:57I'm going to have to ask you to not attend this church anymore
20:59Your church was empty, Adam
21:02Now it's full
21:03Because we appeal to people, you don't
21:07Our God is a success
21:10And that scares you
21:11Your services scare me, that's what scares me
21:14Your services, they scare me
21:16You have no sense of this parish
21:18And I dread to think what your views are on gays and women priests
21:22Well, your pathetic liberal acceptance of them disgusts me
21:26When you know they're wrong
21:28The Bible tells us
21:29Saint Matthew tells us
21:31This church is ours now, Adam
21:38And you need to acknowledge that
21:40No
21:43Be my friend, Adam
21:47Be God's friend
21:48There will be no interruptions tonight, I promise
22:03So get ready for a night of hot romancing
22:07Yes
22:09I'm ready, Darren
22:11Tie me up and take me to, um
22:15Heaven, my kind of heaven
22:16Ping
22:19Going down
22:31Can you hear that?
22:43Darren, what are you doing?
22:46This is my hope
22:48Go away
22:49Well, we were just praying for you, Adam
22:51Well, stop it
22:52What are you doing out there, Adam?
22:56None of your business
22:56I'm extremely, I'm extremely busy, Darren
22:59Can you go away, please?
23:00Get out
23:01Bugger off
23:02This is criminal
23:02This is harassment
23:06Go on
23:07What are you looking at?
23:07Go away
23:08I understand your concern
23:20Of course I do, Adam
23:22The problem for you
23:23For us is that the Dean just loves the St Jameses lot
23:27Does he?
23:28I didn't have a dance hardline evangelical
23:29No, no, no
23:30He went on one of their be transformed courses at
23:34Butlins
23:35Said it was magical and very exciting
23:37I haven't been able to get a word of sense out of him since
23:39Of course, in purely financial terms
23:41I should be congratulating here
23:43As you know, it was agreed at the Deanery Synod last week
23:46That Darren should preach at your place once a month
23:50What?
23:50No, they can't do that
23:52I won't allow that
23:54Well, weren't you at the meeting?
23:55Um, no, not on this occasion
23:58Why not?
24:00Because they're incredibly dull
24:02Do you go to them?
24:05Well, of course I do
24:06Well, I'll reverse the decision
24:07Darren can't preach without my approval
24:08To my church
24:09I'll run it how I like
24:10Of course
24:11But I'd strongly recommend you don't do that
24:17I don't know what to do
24:19Well, can you think about it somewhere else?
24:20I'm expected at one of Gordon Ramsay's soft openings
24:23So I'm going to drop you out here
24:31Quick, quick
24:38Sir John 15 makes us ask
24:41If you were hanging out with Jesus and his posse
24:44What would you say to the fella?
24:46I'm going to give you the top ten tips
24:48On how to be a friend of God
24:50Get off me!
24:50Get off!
24:53You're disgusting!
25:01Jesus told me to do it
25:04Pippa's extremely distressed
25:07She's having a smoothie
25:09But she will never be able to come back to this church
25:11She's wearing a chastity bracelet
25:13She's clearly a virgin
25:17A born-again virgin
25:20I want that man barred from this church
25:21I'm not doing that Darren
25:22Colin's been a regular here for 15 years
25:25Is there no chance you could forgive him?
25:26We may well prosecute
25:28Lord, how many times am I to forgive my neighbour?
25:32As many as seven times?
25:33Seventy times seven said the Lord
25:35Seventy times seven
25:37Pip is a vital part of our congregation
25:41Yeah?
25:41Colin isn't vital to anybody, Darren
25:44Except God
25:47And if God loves you, Darren
25:49Then he loves Colin just as much
25:51Colin's presence in this church is a blessing
25:56Colin is a dangerous person
25:58Who smells funky
26:00Archdeacon
26:02Archdeacon, please understand
26:04If that man is not barred from this church
26:07I'm going to have to take my large, giving, very generous congregation somewhere else
26:20Darren, we can't be seen to bar anyone from our churches
26:23You know that
26:24Especially those in need
26:27Even though he touched her bottom
26:30Even though he touched her bottom
26:33Which I'm not condoning
26:35But
26:36There's my answer
26:41Well, I feel for you both
26:43No wonder your church is in crisis
26:45I should take my large, devoted gang
26:48And my money
26:50Elsewhere
26:51Any chance you can leave the smoothie bar?
26:58Thank you
27:00You okay, Colin?
27:23Yeah, yeah, of course
27:29I just miss Pippa Bizzot
27:31I was in a dilemma with her
27:33Because
27:33Well
27:35I did like her a lot
27:37But she was also a massive prick tease
27:40What you do is wrong
27:42You know that, don't you?
27:43Well you only pinched her arse
27:46No, but you can't do that
27:47It's horrible for women
27:49People lose their jobs or to that sort of thing
27:52That's it, of course
27:52If you hadn't done it
27:53Darren and his lot would still be here, so
27:56Thanks
27:56You can always count on me, Vicka
28:01Hello, my darling wife
28:20Hello
28:20Is that Darren?
28:22Is that Darren?
28:23This is Vivian
28:25Yes
28:26This is Darren
28:28The very first one
28:29Uh, who?
28:30Here she is
28:31And she is
28:32And she is
28:32And she was
28:33here
28:34In this moment
28:34It takes a lot of Citizenship
28:35For the rest of the day
28:35She is
28:36and she is
28:37Asshare
28:37She is
28:39And she is
28:39And he has a lot of
28:40From the love of how
28:41And she is
28:42And she can only
28:42A little bit
28:43That's how she's
28:43And she is
28:44And she is
28:45Yeah, and I
28:45And she is
28:45And she is
28:46And she is
28:47And she is
28:48And she is
28:49Oh, she knows
28:49And she is
28:50And she is
28:50And she is
28:52And I
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