- 7 weeks ago
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00:00At the end of our first month here,
00:29I just wanted to thank you all for making my wife, Alex, and me feel so welcome here in this vibrant, dynamic church, and we'd like to invite you all for a vicarage warming later.
00:46We'd be delighted if you'd join us for a small glass of something cold as a token of our thanks.
00:57Oh, my God.
01:00Taking the Lord's name.
01:03It's a dialogue, actually, darling.
01:07Where do we keep the aspirin in this house?
01:10End.
01:11Oh.
01:18Whose bird table is that?
01:20Ours now.
01:22A surprise housewoman given from Colin.
01:24Isn't it from next door?
01:27I didn't get too drunk, do I?
01:34You were fine.
01:36Everyone was very impressed you can still do the splits.
01:39Nigel really is quite unbelievably strange, isn't he?
01:43Yes.
01:44Imagine sharing an office with him.
01:46And a doer.
01:48She won't stop flirting with me.
01:51She keeps pulling me into those big bazoomas like the Death Star.
01:56It's terrifying.
01:57If that's Colin this early, tell him we're not open yet.
02:04It's all only Colin.
02:06Hello, Colin.
02:07Vicar, you better come quick.
02:08There's been a disaster at the church.
02:10OK.
02:11Hello, Colin.
02:12Yes, it's Colin.
02:13Hello, Mrs. Vicarage.
02:14Off for another day saving lives.
02:16I'm a solicitor, Colin.
02:17Bye, darling.
02:18Bye, darling.
02:19Bye, darling.
02:21Come on, Vicar!
02:22Yes, OK, come in.
02:27Cracking pistol last night.
02:29Previous vicar never let me in his house.
02:32Thanks for the bird table.
02:34Eh?
02:36Oh, yeah.
02:37Nice one.
02:40So what's the problem?
02:41You'll see that the church is a scandal vicar.
02:47OK.
02:47Is it a scandal or is it just a pigeon like last time?
02:51Woo!
02:52Oi, Mr. Vicar!
02:54Oi!
02:55Oi, Mr. Vicar, where's your dress?
02:57Are you going to dress like a girl today?
02:59Come here, Vicar.
02:59Let me do it.
03:00Colin, turn the other cheek.
03:02Good morning.
03:04Good morning, sweetheart.
03:05Hello.
03:06Fresh morning.
03:07Come here, darling.
03:08Ooh, what a night it was, Adam.
03:16But look at the state of you.
03:17Dear Lord, what have you done to yourself?
03:18You naughty vicar.
03:20We must dance again sometime soon.
03:22Yes, we must.
03:23Can't stop now.
03:25Adora, the flower beds are going to look lovely.
03:27Thank you so much.
03:27It's a disgrace.
03:34It's an outrage.
03:35It's going to cost a fortune.
03:36Whoever did this, I will find them.
03:39This window is rightly revered as one of the few post-war windows inspired by Byrne Jones.
03:44It's an invaluable work that mixes flashes of almost fauvist brutalism with figurative depictions of the mentally ill.
03:49Yes, I know, Nigel.
03:51No more will we see Sir Tristan guarding the shepherds with his massive lars, the Christ child of his hobby horse.
03:56What they did, these criminals, is they chucked a bottle through.
04:00Look here.
04:02Fragments of bottle glass here amongst the precious glass.
04:06Let me find the culprish vicar.
04:08I think best left of the police, Colin.
04:09Better phone the archdeacon.
04:10I know he's done it.
04:13It'll be them Asians.
04:15Right, that's just racist, Colin, isn't it?
04:17We've talked about this.
04:19Let me get to the bottom of it, vicar, please.
04:21Okay.
04:22Any help most welcome.
04:23First, let's say morning prayer.
04:28Let's say it nice and quietly in case anyone here's got a hangover.
04:31Let's say it nice and quietly in case anyone here's got a hangover.
05:01Watch it, you wanker.
05:06Oops.
05:07Sorry, mate.
05:08Watch it, you worship.
05:09You wanker!
05:22So, you and Vincent, on the 27th, fixed.
05:29Thanks, vicar.
05:30We've chosen the same date mum and dad got married, so I know dad will be looking down.
05:37There you go.
05:40It's on the house.
05:42Dad gave me this beautiful book, and we're going to do a reading from it at the wedding.
05:47And after that, Vince is going to sing Angels.
05:53About Robbie Williams.
05:55Do you know it?
05:58It's our song.
05:59Hello, Archdeacon.
06:10Yes, I'm just organising a wedding.
06:14Well, I can meet you at the church.
06:16Oh, you're here.
06:20Are you here?
06:20No, I'll...
06:21Sorry.
06:28Hello, Boschdeacon.
06:29Ah, they all said you'd probably be in the pub.
06:33Get in.
06:34I've got my bike.
06:35Can't linger.
06:36I've got to get to Chris Hitchin's book launch, and I need to talk to you about this window now.
06:41Oh, get in.
06:47The answer's no, the insurers won't cover it all.
06:50There's nothing in the diocese's budget for that kind of thing, you know that.
06:54Right, I see.
06:55So there's no chance of any money at all from anywhere.
06:57No, you're going to have to do some fundraising.
07:00I'm sure you'll pull it off.
07:02We have such high hopes for you here at St Saviour's, since your predecessor scuttled off to Rome.
07:08Yes, I'm holding back on the incense and the word Mary.
07:13How's your Sunday congregation?
07:14What are the numbers?
07:15Well, I don't know, Archdeacon.
07:17The church isn't just about keeping school, though, is it?
07:19Of course not.
07:20How many are you getting in?
07:22I haven't counted.
07:23Have a guess.
07:24I don't want to guess.
07:25Have a guess, just for me.
07:26I don't want to.
07:27Yes, you do.
07:28No, I don't.
07:32Sixty?
07:32You mean twenty?
07:33No, it's a lot more than twenty.
07:34Twenty-two?
07:36Let's not guess.
07:36I'll get back to you sometime with an accurate figure.
07:39Okay.
07:40By next Monday.
07:42Oh, by the way, how's that cassette chaser in your congregation?
07:45What's her name?
07:46Adela.
07:47Still managing to resist.
07:48You know, she's incredibly famous for having orgasms during sermons.
07:53The Lord be with you.
08:01And also with you.
08:04Please be seated.
08:06I hope you're not too cold.
08:08I'm sorry to say that we had our beloved window broken this week.
08:13I'm assuming that it was the work of vandals rather than an enraged art critic.
08:19We'll hopefully be getting it repaired as soon as possible.
08:23So let's...
08:24Oh, good morning.
08:26Please come in.
08:28Always good to see new faces.
08:30So, let's begin our service.
08:32Hello.
08:34Hello, hello.
08:36So many of you this morning.
08:38How lovely.
08:39So, let's begin our service by saying our prayer of preparation.
08:47Hello.
08:50Please come in.
08:53So let's begin.
08:55Almighty God, to whom all hearts are open, all desires known.
09:00Hurry up.
09:01Come on, Luke.
09:02Hurry up.
09:03Come on.
09:04Hurry up.
09:05Can I just say, um, how lovely it is to see so many new faces here today.
09:10It's a really splendid turnout.
09:13Uh, and, as I said, yet more of you arrive.
09:18With that in mind, let's all stand now to sing what I imagine will be a rather rousing rendition
09:24of All Creatures of Our God and King.
09:28Hymn number 13.
09:29Why are we doing this?
09:35It's not Christmas.
09:36Oh, creatures of Our God and King, lift up your voice and we shall sing.
09:51Alleluia, Alleluia.
10:00Here at St. Saviour's, it is the essence of our faith that everyone is acceptable to God
10:06and therefore to each other.
10:09Let's pray now for a moment.
10:11This is boring.
10:32I walk with the brokenness of the world and I walk with you.
10:47Adam.
10:49I love you.
10:49I thought your someone today was very stirring.
10:55You have such a powerful way with words and such wonderful eyes.
11:01What do I?
11:02Your voice, it makes me tangle.
11:06That's lovely.
11:08I must just grab a word with headmistress.
11:13Hello, Eddie.
11:14You look lovely.
11:15Those are lovely earrings.
11:17Hello, Adam.
11:18Um, have you sobered up enough to have a think about my sister having that half-term wedding date?
11:22Ah, I'm afraid that weekend's fully booked.
11:26No.
11:27It's encouraging, isn't it, besides the congregation today?
11:29Yeah.
11:30It's amazing what the whiff of a good Ofsted report can do.
11:35Oh.
11:36That's what it is, of course it is.
11:39Ellie's turned the place around.
11:40The rumours are that the school is now good, with elements of outstanding.
11:45Let's not jump to conclusions, Stephen, until it's published.
11:47Well done, headmistress.
11:49Well, it's good news for you too, vicar.
11:50I mean, these school whores will be queuing up to prove they're Christians, won't they?
11:56Just to get a plate at Ellie's.
11:57The joy of selection.
11:59I've got a meeting for prospective parents on Friday.
12:01I like to do a raffle.
12:02They all try to outbid each other.
12:03It's a bit like the first day of the Christmas sales.
12:06Can I chew the other all these people today?
12:08Now, one second, Colin.
12:09I'm not sure what's the best way to fill a school place, is it?
12:12To the highest bidder?
12:13Why?
12:14What are your criteria?
12:14Well, it's a Church of England school, so they should be Christians, shouldn't they?
12:20Hello there, vicar.
12:22Patrick Yam.
12:23Hello.
12:23Lovely to meet you.
12:24Have you not met our wonderful local MP yet?
12:26This is Patrick.
12:27He closed my local swimming pool.
12:31Order service.
12:32I loved it.
12:32Yeah, a bit confused about when to sit down or stand or shout stuff out, but, uh, yeah,
12:38we should, we should do this again sometime.
12:41Fort Adams' sermon today ended rather abruptly.
12:44Mine next month, thank you very much, will be an examination of how the fourth commandment
12:50to, thank you, to observe the Sabbath has, in our age of foronic consumption, become in
12:55many ways the most radical.
12:58That sounds boring, Nigel.
13:00Win the Restoration Fund!
13:02Right, Nigel, are you going to help me decide which parents deserve a school place?
13:16I need to write my sermon.
13:18What's this up for three weeks?
13:20Yes, but I like to think about mine.
13:22I'm always surprised by your ability to knock them out at the last minute.
13:26No, come on, this is more important.
13:29Nigel.
13:29Wouldn't you like to help me weed out some hypocrites?
13:35Okay.
13:38Now, the school entry guidelines say that parents must be regular and committed worshippers.
13:44Well, cross off anyone booking a late baptism for a start.
13:47Oh, that's a good idea.
13:48We did the Ingrams boy last year, he was seven, it was a nightmare, more like an exorcism.
13:52Now, how are we going to choose from the rest?
13:55I was thinking we could do a Bible test for them all.
13:59Oh, that is a good idea.
14:00What level of questions?
14:01Well, let's practice.
14:02You be a parent.
14:07Can I ask the questions?
14:09No, I'm doing the questions.
14:09Hello, Mr. Parent.
14:14Hello, Father.
14:15Please call me Adam.
14:17So, you want little Peter to get into Ellie's school, don't you?
14:20Desperately.
14:21My entire self-worth depends upon it.
14:25Right.
14:26So, tell me.
14:28Which was the first of the Gospels to be written?
14:31Mark.
14:31AD 65 to 80.
14:33Easy.
14:35Where was the Epistle of Philemon written, and by who?
14:39By St Paul, in prison.
14:40Too easy.
14:41It's a fun name.
14:43Who is the Gospel of Luke written to?
14:45My dear Theophilus.
14:49Where today would you find...
14:51Monday Rock.
14:53Okay.
14:56Who sold Joseph into captivity?
14:59Good one.
14:59The Midianites.
15:01No, it wasn't.
15:02It was the Ishmaelites.
15:04Wasn't it?
15:05I think you found it was the Midianites.
15:07Was this?
15:08It was.
15:09Yep.
15:10Anyway, we'll do a test, and if you're parents, I don't know the answer.
15:13The kid doesn't get in.
15:16Eleanor's turned this place around in two years.
15:18I mean, you know, what with all this Ofsted business.
15:21It's going to be quite difficult to decide who qualifies for a place next year.
15:25Out of interest, how will you decide?
15:28Well, by sticking to the rules, Patrick.
15:30Reverend, did you get that case of wine we brought round?
15:32Oh, it was that from you.
15:33Thank you very much.
15:35And well done for winning the raffle.
15:36Yes.
15:37Well, we bought all the green tickets, you see.
15:39Yes, the whole book.
15:40Yes.
15:41Just keen to help the schools.
15:42Yeah.
15:42I'd love to do a church reading sometimes.
15:47Okay, Patrick.
15:49It would mean you'd have to turn up on time, though.
15:51I hope our donation has helped your window fund.
15:53Yes, thank you.
15:55How much is that going to cost to repair?
15:57About £30,000, I'm afraid.
15:58Jesus, what a nightmare.
16:02I just said Jesus.
16:03I'm so sorry, Patrick.
16:04It's okay, Patrick.
16:05We all slip up.
16:06Ah, good.
16:07But that's a fucking nightmare for you.
16:09I mean, for all of us.
16:10The window.
16:12I hope Adam's not tapping my parents for cash for his window.
16:15He's supposed to be interrogating them to see if they're God-fearing Christians.
16:18Ah, Alex.
16:20I don't think you've met Mr. Dar.
16:22Ask her and mingle.
16:24Ooh, Alexandra.
16:26Your shoulders are very tight and tense.
16:29No, they're not.
16:30I fear your spine may not be straight.
16:32Yeah, it is.
16:33You must come round to my practice.
16:35Let me do you some time.
16:36Yes, I mustn't.
16:37Sorry, I was being hosed down in smalm.
16:51What happened to you?
16:52I had to leave.
16:54I was set upon by lunatic parents who all think their child's future lies in your hands.
16:59I'm sorry, I thought you were having a good time.
17:01Yeah, I love playing the vicar's wife.
17:03Yeah, especially when it involves being felt up by a sweaty-palmed chiropractor.
17:09Yes, you do seem rather tense, my dear.
17:12Perhaps you need some pelvic stabilisation.
17:18Shall I rub your lumbar fork?
17:19No, get off.
17:21And if you think I'm going to let you shag me in your dog collar, you're very wrong.
17:24I'm not trying to shag you.
17:25I'm trying to mobilise your trunk muscles.
17:28I hate it when you wear that thing in the bedroom.
17:30It's like you've got no cock.
17:31Help, why?
17:32I've taken it off.
17:34There it is, it's off.
17:36No, leave it on.
17:38And don't bash the bishop.
17:44OK, let's hear your thrilling fundraising ideas.
17:47How are you going to get this window fixed?
17:50OK.
17:52I've moved to the edge of my seat.
17:55There's the classic bring-and-buy sale, of course.
17:57People could bring in Christmas presents they didn't want.
17:59How very 1950s of you.
18:01That might have worked wherever it is you're from in the country.
18:03Suffolk.
18:04We're from Suffolk.
18:05Sussex.
18:05But it certainly won't work here in London.
18:07No?
18:07OK.
18:08Also, I was thinking we could auction off some people's time and skills.
18:10Whose time and skills?
18:12Well, my time and skills.
18:13My wife's.
18:13Well, I think we both know how much that would raise.
18:15Or you could pay to have Nigel for the afternoon.
18:18I pay not to have Nigel for the afternoon.
18:22Or maybe I'll just sit up on the church roof until someone pays for me to come down.
18:26Hmm.
18:26Like a hunger striker.
18:28Yes, that certainly appeals to me.
18:30I think you might be up there for some considerable time.
18:33Could you stop here, driver?
18:34The fact is, Adam, none of these artsy, craftsy ideas are any good, are they?
18:40You have an inner city church with inner city problems.
18:43Might I suggest you quickly wise up and find an inner city solution?
18:48Right, I'll drop you off here.
18:51Come along, unbuckle.
18:53Busy people, busy lives.
18:54Chop, chop.
18:55Drive on.
18:56All right, Mr. Vicar, here's the way.
19:15I've got a confession to make.
19:17When do you think of this?
19:18Oh, my God.
19:24What do you think of that?
19:28That mistress, eh?
19:30Hmm?
19:30Yeah.
19:31Oh, she's pretty formidable.
19:34Oh, yeah.
19:35Boy, she can stick me into tension any time.
19:40I bet you get women after you all the time, don't you?
19:44Because of this.
19:47Yeah, a bit of authority.
19:49Girls love it.
19:51Now then.
19:52I have taken the liberty of speaking to my mate, Sir Jeremy, from the Lunardi Foundation
19:58about your window.
19:59Really?
20:00He thinks he can help.
20:01Passionate about Burn Jones stuff.
20:03Loves all those boys who look like girls.
20:06Well, Patrick, that is incredibly kind of you.
20:08Now, I'm sure he will meet most of the restoration costs, and I'm very happy to make a donation
20:13myself as well.
20:15I just wanted to have a quick word with you about our Luke.
20:18You've met him?
20:19Not really.
20:20Oh, he's a great kid.
20:21Lovely nature.
20:23At heart.
20:24I mean, he's not exactly an academic high flyer.
20:27I think it's fair to say.
20:29Just like his mum.
20:31But I have always wanted him to go somewhere like your little place.
20:34You know, a good old church school.
20:35I mean, that's more my style.
20:38And budget.
20:39I see.
20:41So I thought if you could speak to your friend Ellie and make sure Luke gets into St Saviour's,
20:46we'd be very grateful.
20:48Yes.
20:48And I'd make sure Sir Jeremy helped out with your window.
20:51Yes, I see.
20:52It would help me to write a good church referral for you, Patrick, if you did actually come
21:00to church.
21:03Okay.
21:03Yeah, no, I see what you're saying.
21:05Yeah.
21:06You will be back in on Sunday.
21:08On your knees, avoid the fees.
21:14I like your top, Ellie.
21:18Is it Bowden?
21:19No.
21:19What is it you want to talk about?
21:21Looks great.
21:23Um, Patrick Yam's son, Luke.
21:25I was thinking of giving him a good church reference for a place here.
21:29Why?
21:30I've never seen them at church until this week.
21:33Well, the thing is, I do think the boy will benefit enormously from an education here.
21:37Has Patrick offered you some money?
21:39Me, no.
21:41For your broken window?
21:44What's the point of these church places, Ellie, if I don't have a say?
21:47He has offered you some money.
21:49Tell you what, if you find a way to get my sister to that half-term wedding date, I'll
21:53find a way to take Patrick's boy.
21:55Oh, right.
21:57Well, that way you get your window money, my sister gets married, and I get another middle
22:00class kid to give my steps a nudge.
22:02Everyone's a winner.
22:07No, this is good.
22:08This way, everyone wins.
22:10Patrick gets his delinquent child into a good school, Ellie gets her wedding date,
22:14and we get our window restored.
22:15But what about Gemma and Vincent, their book to get married at 2pm that Saturday?
22:19They get canned, Nigel.
22:20No, they don't get canned, Alex.
22:23They just get postponed a little bit, that's all.
22:24Oh, so apart from them, everyone wins?
22:27They'll be okay.
22:29We can move them.
22:29Nigel can move them.
22:30This is not easy.
22:34Okay, Alex, this job, all that happens all day, every day, all the time, is that people
22:39wipe things from me, which is fine.
22:40It's a vocation.
22:41But I do have to depend on a whole lot of volunteers, some of whom can't even wipe their own arses.
22:47Nigel wipes his own arse.
22:48They certainly do.
22:49Not always, actually, Nigel.
22:50Sometimes I have to do it.
22:51And I have to do Colin's arse and a door's.
22:54I've never been aware of your wiping.
22:55Sometimes, all I do all day...
22:57Oh, don't say Colin's arse again.
22:58...is wipe people's arses for them.
23:00Right, this way, I get something back, for once, for the church.
23:03I get our window fixed.
23:05I get the archdeacon off my back.
23:08Right.
23:09I'm going to go and tell Gemma and Vincent they've got to move their wedding date.
23:12It's a small sin for a greater good.
23:21I'm sorry, Lord, that was wrong.
23:23I shouldn't have talked about people's arses like that.
23:26It was a grotesque succession of images.
23:29I'm just finding everything a bit difficult.
23:33On your knees, avoid the fees.
23:37How did I get into this situation?
23:39I'm supposed to walk with the broken, aren't I?
23:42Not horse trade with an admittedly rather pretty headmistress.
23:46That toxic MP and Gemma the barmaid.
23:50And why do you want me to be a fundraiser the whole time?
23:53Why have you given me this huge, crumbling building and now this window to deal with?
23:58It's such a burden.
24:01Let's face it, it's not a terribly good window, really, is it?
24:05Speak to me, Lord.
24:06Your servant listens.
24:07Patrick, I want you to know that I've thought long and hard about your proposal and Luke's future
24:19and I'm going to say that in this particular instance we've decided that Luke is a wonderful boy
24:23with a great deal to recommend him, but we won't take him.
24:26What?
24:29I'm not prepared to offer or trade a school place for cash, I'm afraid.
24:34Right, fine, whatever.
24:36Is that why I'm here?
24:38I couldn't care less.
24:40I bet all those rumours are actually lies.
24:42I bet that school's not good with elements of outstanding.
24:45I bet that school is poor with elements of shit.
24:49And I bet that posh totty headmistress you carry a rod in your cassock for started these
24:54rumours herself.
24:55Thought I'd have done.
24:56Did she do that?
24:57Did you?
24:57No, I...
24:59Actually, I...
25:00Well, maybe I could start some rumours of my own about how the place is an educational
25:03car crash and let's see whose rumours win, shall we?
25:06See, what makes me angry is why did I bother turning up to church all those times?
25:10Well, you did actually only come the once, didn't you?
25:12Even so.
25:15Don't suppose there's any chance that Sir Jeremy will still send through a cheque for
25:19the window, will he?
25:21Let me have a think.
25:23No.
25:25You bloody idiot.
25:31There you go, Vicar.
25:32Hello, Gemma.
25:33Vince is off to pick up the rings.
25:36Oh, is he good?
25:36I've gone for an ivory trouser suit.
25:39Mmm.
25:40And we've started a pub collection for your church window.
25:44Oh, that's very kind.
25:47It's a 90 quid in there.
25:50100 pounds now.
25:52After our wedding, it would be great to have a chat with you about getting our little
25:58Tia into your school.
26:01She's ever so clever.
26:02Oh, no, it's the Vicar or Dibley.
26:07Oi, Dibley.
26:08Oi, Dibley.
26:09Oi, you off to pam a choir, boy.
26:11Oi, Mr. Vicar.
26:13Are you going to go out and do a choir, boy?
26:16Why don't you just fuck off?
26:18Why don't you just fuck off?
26:19Hello, Colin.
26:20I have a cringe.
26:21I'll tell you, it's made me very angry this afternoon.
26:25Who's that, Colin?
26:26That professor and his book about God being all deluded.
26:29Oh, Richard Dawkins?
26:30He said that's why, isn't it?
26:31If I met him, I'd kick him in the bollocks.
26:32I mean, he thinks that people who believe in God are irrational nutters, but I believe
26:36in God.
26:37I don't know.
26:38I don't know.
26:39I don't know.
26:40I don't know.
26:41I don't know.
26:42I don't know.
26:43I don't know.
26:44I don't know.
26:45I don't know.
26:46That professor and his book about God being all deluded.
26:49Oh, Richard Dawkins?
26:50He said that's why, isn't he?
26:51If I met him, I'd kick him in the bollocks.
26:53I mean, he thinks that people who believe in God are irrational nutters, but I believe
26:59in God.
27:00I don't know why you gave that book out to people.
27:06Well, I think it's such a deeply flawed book, Colin.
27:08You shouldn't let it worry you.
27:10Professor Dawkins' only beliefs in things if they can be silent,
27:14Scientifically proven, but there's still so much about God's world that we don't understand.
27:21Look.
27:24Why is
27:25a snail shell a perfect mathematical golden spiral?
27:32Beautiful, isn't it?
27:34And it doesn't need to be.
27:36Yeah.
27:39And he's baffled by the idea of forgiveness.
27:42Yeah?
27:43Well, good.
27:44Because I'm not going to forgive him for this shit book.
27:48Do you want some?
27:52What are you going to do about the window now, Vicarage?
27:56I shall continue to ask people for money.
28:00And I will trust that the good Lord will provide.
28:04Did you ever find out you broke it, Colin?
28:06Nah.
28:07Total mystery.
28:10I've decided it's too difficult trying to solve crime.
28:13Nobody owns up.
28:16Well, thanks for looking into it.
28:21Right, I ought to get back.
28:23What do you do with these?
28:24Clear.
28:25I play this game where I see how far I can chuck them.
28:28Watch this.
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