- 2 days ago
The squad guards a department store payroll. A flasher attempts suicide in the bathroom.
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FunTranscript
00:00Hey, engine room?
00:07Hey, what's the matter with you guys?
00:09It's 26 degrees up here.
00:11Hey, I wasn't meant for this type of temperature, baby.
00:13Oh, my blood is turning to slush.
00:17Hey, don't give me energy crisis, man.
00:19How would you like it if we quit and left your loved ones unprotected?
00:22Very well put.
00:25Hey, baby, it is cold up here.
00:2812 Precinct, Nanook speaking.
00:34Let me have the address.
00:36Yeah, well, if you don't get some heat up here,
00:37we're going to start breaking up the furniture and burning it.
00:39Bye.
00:40I have a kid that stuck up that liquor store the other day.
00:43The owner thinks he recognizes him.
00:45We better check it out.
00:46Okay.
00:49There's six inches of snow in the streets.
00:51It's freezing out there.
00:52It's worse in here.
00:54I don't know why a penguin walks so funny.
00:58Pull me a cup of coffee, will you?
01:00Cream and sugar?
01:01Doesn't matter.
01:02I'm going to sit in it.
01:05Hey, you want to see something funny?
01:07Come in the toilet.
01:13Hey, what have you been doing?
01:14Writing on the walls again?
01:15The water in the sink is frozen.
01:19And a bunch of ants are crossing the ice.
01:22And they're slipping and falling all over the place.
01:24Come on.
01:27Hey, man, you've got a weird sense of humor.
01:29You know that?
01:30What's going on around here?
01:31You think in this kind of weather, business will be slow.
01:33The armored car drivers and the guards are still on strike.
01:36Money's piling up faster in the stores than garbage in the streets.
01:39Burglaries, armed robberies, aggravated assaults.
01:42Yeah, and every dude with a gun or a knife or a pointed stick is out there trying to seek his fortune.
01:47What a civilization, huh?
01:48Yeah.
01:49Okay, come on.
01:50Stand over there.
01:54What have we got here?
01:55Flasher.
01:56Exposing himself at a bus stop.
01:58In this weather?
02:00Did you ever hear anything so disgusting?
02:03Hey, man, it's ten degrees out there.
02:04Tell me about it.
02:06Some filthy habit, huh?
02:09Pervert, degenerate.
02:10That's me, A number one.
02:12Okay, Mr. Farber.
02:13You've got one phone call.
02:14Would you make a phone call if you were me?
02:17What am I supposed to do, brag about it?
02:20You'd better call a lawyer.
02:22I am a lawyer.
02:25Maybe you'd better call a doctor.
02:27What for?
02:28I don't need a doctor.
02:29I need an executioner.
02:30Okay, Mr. Farber.
02:31You want to step into the cage, please?
02:32Oh, and keep your hands away from your coat, huh?
02:35Good.
02:36Lock me up.
02:37Keep me away from decent people.
02:39Take it easy, Mr. Farber.
02:41Everything's going to be all right.
02:42Sure, Mr. Pollyanna.
02:44You think this is like giving up smoking?
02:49I've been to the finest medical minds in the world,
02:51and they all told me the same thing.
02:52Farber, you're filthy.
02:54It's that simple.
02:57Uh, Chano, uh, call Bellevue.
03:00Tell him we've got a pruned Danish to go.
03:02Oh, yeah.
03:04Put it over there on the desk.
03:06Hey, Barney, where do you see what we got here?
03:08Siegel's department store hasn't been able to make a deposit for a week,
03:12so they asked us to keep their receipts,
03:14to keep them till morning.
03:14I said, okay.
03:16Is it okay?
03:17Well, Jehovah, it's been working on half shift.
03:19We can't babysit somebody's payroll.
03:21An employee told Mr. Siegel he heard they were being set up for a ripoff.
03:25They'd like to avoid trouble.
03:27Yeah, I've never seen so much money in my whole life.
03:30Take a look.
03:30Take a look.
03:30Happy birthday to me.
03:42How much is in there?
03:45216,480-odd dollars.
03:48Oh, 80-odd.
03:50Aren't you sure?
03:51Well, when you're loaded, what's a few bucks more or less?
03:53That is more.
03:56Less is what I take home every week.
03:58Somebody put it in the safe.
03:59I got it.
04:00I signed for it.
04:01All right, then it's your responsibility, but get at it.
04:04We've got a lot of work to do.
04:05You know what?
04:07The people at the bus stop called me a sickie.
04:10Sticks and stones, Mr. Farber.
04:13You know, that's a very old model.
04:17You're not kidding.
04:18They don't make them like they used to.
04:19What's the combination of this thing?
04:21I forget it again.
04:22One to the left, two to the right, three to the left, four to the left.
04:27That's the way to do the varsity drag.
04:49That's the way to do the varsity drag.
05:20Bellevue Psychiatric Division?
05:21Ah, this is Sergeant Amengual of the Police Department.
05:23Yeah.
05:24Who am I speaking to, please?
05:25Miss Sanchez.
05:27Right.
05:28We got a patient for you here at the 12th Precinct.
05:30Yeah.
05:31Yes, miss.
05:32Yeah, a male Caucasian between 40 and 50 years old.
05:36Yes, miss.
05:37Yeah, indecent exposure.
05:39Tonight, that bus stop.
05:41That's right, in the snow.
05:41Can you believe that, Miss Sanchez?
05:48You know, I can't understand how it would make a guy do something like that.
05:52No kidding.
05:53Injection when he was a baby?
06:04No kidding.
06:08Breastfeeding?
06:09No kidding.
06:16Me?
06:17No, I was a bottle baby.
06:19Sure, I would remember something like that.
06:20No kidding.
06:25You like dancing too, Miss Sanchez?
06:32Hey, why don't you let me give you a hand with that?
06:34I don't need no help.
06:35It's my responsibility.
06:37I mean, it's my money, sort of.
06:40Till tomorrow morning, anyway.
06:43Live, baby.
06:44Hey, come on, you man.
06:45We better check out that liquor store heist, huh?
06:47It'll be nice to get outside where it's warm.
06:53Okay, Miss Sanchez, I will have the forms for you.
06:54Right.
06:55Goodbye.
06:56Hey, Fish, you wouldn't believe what makes a guy like that do what he does, man.
07:00It's the weather.
07:04When it gets damp and cold, people get depressed, irritable, and unpleasant.
07:08In the winter, Scandinavia has more lunatics per capita than any other country in the world.
07:15No kidding.
07:17Bernice is Scandinavian, but only on her mother's side.
07:21She usually cheers up around the middle of February.
07:29Fish?
07:30Yeah.
07:31Hi, Mr. Melody.
07:34Uh, Chano.
07:35Huh?
07:36Did you call Belty?
07:37Yeah, I got in touch with him.
07:38Excuse me.
07:39May I show you something?
07:45I'd rather you didn't, if you don't mind.
07:51There was a time when if you wanted someone to notice you, all you had to show them was a little courtesy.
07:55Yeah.
07:56What about the night ship?
07:57Are they going to make it?
07:58I don't think so.
07:59Well, the guys who live in Long Island can't get to Manhattan.
08:03Well, that means the guys who live in Manhattan can't get to Long Island.
08:06Right.
08:07Why don't we call Long Island and have them keep the guys who can't get to Manhattan, and we'll keep the guys who can't get to Long Island.
08:12They tried it once, and they didn't like it.
08:15It made too much sense.
08:19It's going to be a long night.
08:22Yeah.
08:23Take a look at that.
08:23She got a kick out of it.
08:24Hey, Barney, this is marvelous.
08:30Deputy Inspector.
08:32There's a slim chance of anything like that happening, but it's kind of a kick to see it in an official publication.
08:39Deputy Inspector.
08:40I know guys who have been on the force 30, 40 years, have never even been considered for a job like this.
08:48Take me for instance.
08:50I'm proud I'm going to put this on the boat.
08:53No, no, no.
08:54Don't say anything.
08:55Don't tell anybody.
08:56We're just causing a lot of excitement over nothing.
08:59I haven't even told Liz.
09:01Deputy Inspector Barney Miller.
09:03What a thrill.
09:04It's a thousand to one shots.
09:06The 12th won't be the same without you.
09:08Come on.
09:09I'm not going anywhere.
09:10I'm going to miss you.
09:12Fish, there are five precinct captains who've got more time on the force than I do.
09:17We're all going to miss you.
09:20It's Cook, Leeds, Stevenson, Rourke, and Burns.
09:25And Carmichael.
09:26I don't know what politics and seniority mean in an appointment like this.
09:31I got a feeling you're going to make it.
09:33Come on.
09:35Don't be ridiculous.
09:36Carmichael?
09:41Who's Carmichael?
09:44I can't get any more in the safe.
09:47That's what I call a classy problem.
09:49Must be $100,000 here in small bills.
09:51Where am I going to put it?
09:58How about beach property in San Juan?
10:00I like that.
10:02Can't leave this stuff sitting around here till morning.
10:04Oh, man.
10:05Do you know what the interest is on $100,000 from now until morning?
10:10I'm telling you, we are blowing a very big opportunity.
10:12I apologize.
10:15That's okay.
10:17I apologize to the entire world.
10:19On behalf of the entire world, I accept your apology.
10:26What else?
10:27I want to go to the men's room.
10:29Why didn't you say so?
10:30I want to suffer, but I don't want to wet my coat.
10:35All right, hurry up.
10:36You don't want to miss your ambulance.
10:37I'm not fit to be around human beings.
10:39Come on, come on, come on.
10:41Hey, Fish.
10:43What would you do if you had all this money?
10:47I'd take a trip around the world.
10:49I'd send Bernice a few bucks and postcard.
10:54She loves picture postcards.
10:58I got an interesting question.
11:00Yeah, what's that?
11:02Why would a flash of closed the door to the bathroom?
11:05What the hell was that?
11:12I think it was a wolf.
11:13It's the rotten plumbing.
11:21Mr. Farber?
11:23Are you through?
11:26Farber's in the bathroom?
11:27Doesn't sound like he feels too good.
11:29Farber!
11:30Farber!
11:30Farber!
11:31Chano, give me a hand!
11:36What's going on, Fish?
11:38Bojo, help Chano.
11:40What did he do?
11:42He tried to electrocute himself.
11:44Put one finger in the light socket and one foot in the toilet bowl.
11:51No kidding.
11:52I didn't know he was that tall.
11:55Come on.
11:56Barney, I'm sorry.
12:02I think he's dead.
12:04Taking a prisoner to the bathroom is a professional obligation, not a social function.
12:27I didn't think he could hurt himself in the toilet bowl.
12:31Look up your statistics!
12:32Toilets are very high up in the statistics.
12:36Give me the car in his office.
12:39That's all right.
12:39If I was in a hurry, I wouldn't be calling you.
12:44You're mad.
12:45I sure hate for something like this to happen.
12:47All right, all right.
12:48There's nothing you can do about it now.
12:49Fill out the car in his report.
12:51Yes, sir.
12:51This is Detective Fish, 12th Precinct.
12:54Look, we got a customer.
12:57Suicide.
12:58Electrocution in the men's room.
13:01Men's room, right.
13:02Light socket and the toilet bowl.
13:10Very imaginative, yes.
13:14Okay, June, you get it in here.
13:15Hey, it's freezing in here.
13:18Ever since we washed the furnace, we can't do a thing with it.
13:23Some dove.
13:25But in all I was coming here, I'd have resisted a rest.
13:29Hold on.
13:30I take it all back.
13:32Hey, who left Petty Cash laying out all over the desk?
13:36Sloppy, sloppy.
13:37Petty Cash?
13:38Barney?
13:41Barney, I ain't sure, but I think he's alive.
13:43What are you talking about?
13:44I put a mirror in his nose, and I think it fogged a little.
13:47Who the hell are those guys from Bellevue?
13:48I'll try him again.
13:49Hello, coroner.
13:51I'm going to put you on hold.
13:55What happened?
13:57The Flasher committed suicide, but very badly.
14:01He's alive.
14:01I bet you anything he's alive.
14:03Take some room over there.
14:04Oh, yeah.
14:07Keep warm.
14:08Put anything on your coats, anything.
14:09I got a pulse.
14:16Not much, but it's there.
14:17Harris.
14:18Oh, come on, pulse.
14:19Hey, this is more clothes than this dude's hat on in his life.
14:23Ready?
14:23Yeah.
14:24One, two, three, four, five.
14:28Uh, I think he's turning blue.
14:30Oh, man, don't turn blue, man.
14:33He don't look too blue, does he?
14:35Yeah, he looks pretty blue to me.
14:37Oh, Barney, you're not blowing hard enough, man.
14:42Wait a minute.
14:43I lost his pulse.
14:44Ay, mira, si me el guenza no te muera, huh?
14:50Anything?
14:51Not yet.
14:51Pop him again.
14:55Over here, over here.
14:57Come on.
14:57Step aside, we'll take care of everything.
14:59I got a pulse.
15:01I got a pulse.
15:01That a boy, far back.
15:05Come on, baby.
15:07Charlie, the oxygen.
15:11What's all our money on a desk?
15:13Payday.
15:14Charlie.
15:15I don't know cops make that kind of money.
15:17We're very good cops.
15:20How's he look?
15:21He seems to be fine.
15:23His heart stopped.
15:24I had to hit him in the chest with my fist.
15:25Yeah, I think you saved his life.
15:27And I know you broke his ribs.
15:30Seemed to be the thing to do at the time.
15:32It was a good decision.
15:34You'd make a good doctor.
15:35Of course, you'd make a lot less money.
15:39Hey, he looks pretty good, doesn't he?
15:42Yeah, he didn't look that good to begin with.
15:4712 precinct.
15:48Sergeant Yamana.
15:51Hey, Barney.
15:52It's the coroner's office.
15:53They're still on hold.
15:56Don't forget it.
15:57Forget it.
15:58The guy's still alive.
16:01Sorry.
16:05Hey, you know this guy has nothing out under his coat?
16:08He'll be delighted you noticed.
16:17Hey, engine room.
16:18What's the matter with you guys down there?
16:19Turn the heat down.
16:21The humidity's murder up here.
16:22We can't even get the stamps to stick to the envelopes.
16:25I wish I could say the same for my shorts.
16:31Very well.
16:35Harris, release those guys from the 1-4 and say thank you.
16:39Will do.
16:40Well, you're right.
16:40Call downstairs.
16:41See if you can turn down the steam.
16:43My papers are curling up.
16:44Yeah, yeah.
16:45You should have seen what someone wrote downstairs in the snow.
16:53Miss Johnna, stop by at Bellevue to have breakfast with a nurse.
16:57Captain Miller, can I see you a moment, please?
17:00We found that white feeder at a bar on 3rd Avenue.
17:03He looked worse than she did.
17:05She'll never press charges.
17:06She won't, but he will.
17:09Yes, what can I do for you?
17:11There seems to be an error.
17:14What kind of error?
17:15Easy word.
17:17There's no error.
17:20Mr. Will Jehoat signed for $216,487.
17:26Yeah, somewhere in there.
17:28Exactly in there.
17:30$216,487.
17:33Knock it off.
17:34$216,487.
17:36All right, you counted it.
17:37What's the problem?
17:38There's exactly $5,000 missing.
17:42$5,000?
17:45That's impossible.
17:48Maybe you ought to count it again.
17:49I've counted it three times.
17:51Is that right, Pete?
17:52That's correct.
17:53I counted it two.
17:55It's a bundled short.
17:57Fish?
17:58Yeah.
17:59Count it.
18:01Harris?
18:03You watch Fish.
18:06Pete, you watch Harris.
18:07Hold your hoes.
18:12Check out the safe again.
18:13No, there's nothing to say for anything.
18:16Hey, come on, you guys.
18:17Stop clowning around.
18:18This ain't funny.
18:19Come on, Fish, Harris.
18:21Hey, man.
18:22What, Yamana?
18:23Don't look at me.
18:24I don't touch the stuff.
18:25I'm an addict.
18:27Come on, check out the other desk, will you?
18:28Yeah.
18:30Hold your hoes.
18:32Check out that safe again.
18:33The channel's missing.
18:34Check out the safe again.
18:37Mr. Gross, there was a lot of excitement here last night.
18:39The money could have been misplaced or gotten buried under some of this official litter.
18:45Have you ever misplaced $5,000 before, Captain?
18:48Yeah, once.
18:49In a Monopoly game.
18:52Barney, there's nothing to say for petty cash.
18:54Oh.
18:55$16.
18:56$16.
18:57And that's for two weeks.
18:59$75,000.
19:00$80,000.
19:02$85,000.
19:02What are you up to, Fish?
19:04$90,000.
19:05$95,000.
19:06Talk careful now.
19:07$100,000.
19:08$105,000.
19:09$107,000.
19:10$9,000.
19:11I'll never pay it off $714 a month.
19:15$714,750.
19:17Hey, Fish.
19:18$5,000.
19:35$10,000.
19:37I don't see it anywhere.
19:40There's nothing on these desks.
19:42Oh, Joe.
19:43Are you certain when you signed this money out at Segal's it was all there?
19:45Yeah, I'm sure.
19:46I'm sure.
19:46Where the hell could it have gone?
19:48I don't know, Barney.
19:50Harris, you were standing right there when I was putting in the safe.
19:52Hey, you wouldn't let me help you, remember?
19:54You said it was all yours.
19:56You said that?
19:59I'm thinking of speech, Mr. Gross.
20:01Detective Wojciechowicz probably felt personally responsible for the money.
20:05He is personally responsible for the money.
20:09You hear that, Harris?
20:10Hey, man, don't look at me.
20:12If I needed any extra money, I'd do windows.
20:14Hey, fellas, look what I got from Miss Sanchez.
20:20Man, you're in the wrong business.
20:23How the hell did she get that?
20:25She got it from Mr. Farmer's coat.
20:27Yeah, seems like when you guys took him out of here, he had just enough strength to steal it.
20:32Well, there's hope for him yet.
20:34At least he's given up suicide.
20:35Yeah, but he's taking him, steal it.
20:37One step at a time.
20:39Mr. Gross.
20:42Count it, please.
20:44Thank you, Captain.
20:46I knew I didn't lose it.
20:47200, 800, 1,200, 1,700.
20:49I never took my eyes off.
20:51Except for a minute.
20:54Must age a couple hundred years.
20:56A hundred thousand.
21:01Two hundred, four hundred.
21:04Well, precinct, Sergeant Yamana.
21:07Yeah, he's right here.
21:08Barney, it's for you.
21:10It's the commissioner.
21:12I'll take it to my office.
21:13Congratulations, Barney.
21:18Congratulations for what?
21:20Barney is up for deputy inspector.
21:22Hey, how about that?
21:24It's all here.
21:26Thank you very much, gentlemen.
21:27Wait a minute, wait a minute.
21:28Sign this.
21:29It's my pleasure.
21:38Hey, is he taking that money out of here?
21:40Yeah, and it's about time.
21:43Hey, you!
21:44What?
21:44Stick him up!
21:48Don't be ridiculous.
21:49You're in jail.
21:50You don't even have a gun.
21:52I don't care!
21:53Stick him up!
21:54What a night.
22:01All right.
22:02You guys got your final reports ready?
22:03No.
22:03Just now.
22:04Here's mine.
22:05Anybody else?
22:06Almost there.
22:08Well?
22:09For what?
22:10The commissioner.
22:11What'd he say?
22:12Oh.
22:14Carmichael got it.
22:16Carmichael?
22:17Oh, I knew I wasn't going to get it.
22:20Carmichael's got four years on me.
22:22He's a good man, Carmichael.
22:22I'm sorry, Barney.
22:24Don't be silly.
22:25Here you go, Barney.
22:32Can you guys cut it out?
22:34Come on, now.
22:35I knew I wasn't going to get it.
22:36I didn't expect it.
22:39There's always next year.
22:40Where'd you go?
22:42Let's get that fixed, will you?
22:56145th Street and 9th
23:08That's where they're going to have the heist
23:10Hey, Barney
23:12Somebody left this package for you
23:14At the desk downstairs
23:16I bet it's from Siegel's
23:18They gave me a credit application
23:19Nicely enough it was
23:22It's probably for all of you guys
23:23No, it's addressed to you
23:26To Captain Barney Miller
23:28With grateful appreciation
23:29Of all your efforts on my behalf
23:31Lyle W. Farber
23:34Attorney at law
23:56And I'll see you next time
24:01I'll see you next time
24:01I'll see you next time
24:03I'll see you next time
24:33I'll see you next time
24:39I'll see you next time
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