- 1 day ago
Barney suspects Levitt of vandalizing the squad room. A TV programming executive is assaulted in a coffee shop.
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00:01I jumped out of my seat and started yelling, come on, Bubba!
00:06I forgot I was in a movie.
00:08Good Lord.
00:11Somebody should speak to the help.
00:14The help?
00:16I've never been this bad before.
00:21Where'd all these papers come from?
00:23I'm afraid those are the files, Nick.
00:26Oh, my God.
00:29Well, my office has been similarly redecorated.
00:34I guess they wanted the same motif.
00:36Top of the morning.
00:38All right, Willidge, what time did you get here?
00:39Just a few minutes ago. I was checking the stockroom.
00:42Nothing's missing.
00:44There's nothing of any value to take.
00:46Not anymore.
00:47See, I don't think it's a thief barn.
00:49I think it's something personal.
00:52Check out the hall.
00:53Oh, Miller is a dirty, marvelous, sir.
01:02He's faced it nicely.
01:04See, it's got to be someone that had it in for you, you know?
01:07It's like trying to get back at you or something.
01:09Maybe.
01:10It's too bad the rest of us had to suffer.
01:13I broke my knee.
01:16My condolences.
01:17Thanks to it.
01:20This is supposed to be a police station.
01:22Where the hell was the late shift?
01:24The late shift was on until 4 a.m., then the downstairs to the court.
01:27And they didn't see anything, hear anything?
01:29No, it was a skeleton crew.
01:31Skeleton crew.
01:31Those are the budget cuts?
01:32Budget cuts.
01:33I checked the safe.
01:36Look at this.
01:38Uh-oh.
01:39What is it?
01:40It used to be Harris' sweater.
01:42He told me one time he liked to keep it here in case he had the urge to informalize his
01:48look.
01:52Hey.
01:55Terrible, ain't it?
01:55Oh, yeah.
02:04No, no.
02:05I straightened out my desk on Friday.
02:09Good.
02:15Too busy.
02:17Morning, nurse.
02:19Somebody, uh, give a party without telling me about it?
02:22Uh-huh.
02:24Uh, we got vandalized.
02:27No kidding.
02:29Check out around the hallway.
02:32Are we getting here anyway?
02:34We don't know that yet.
02:39I'm glad to see you've retained your sense of humor.
02:42Sorry.
02:45That's gratuitous.
02:47Harris.
02:50There was a fatality.
02:56There was no need for this.
03:00They broke my name, too.
03:02They broke my chair layer.
03:04Oh, come on.
03:05Name plates, chairs.
03:06Those things can be replaced.
03:07You cannot fix alpaca.
03:10Uh, somebody find a phone and answer.
03:15Well, you're right on it.
03:22Give me a cold gun on, will you?
03:23Got it.
03:25Uh, I got a disturbance over my medicine.
03:27All right, you and Wojo.
03:37You never can get a cop when you need one.
04:23guitar solo
04:33guitar solo
04:50What about your chair?
04:52I thought I might take it out back and shoot it.
04:59Uh, listen, go get Beckman.
05:02See if he can round up some appropriate paint that can do without the publicity.
05:06Okay.
05:07Barney?
05:08Yeah.
05:11I, uh, I went through the records downstairs and, uh, came up with some possible suspects, anyone who might have
05:18a grudge against you.
05:19I, uh, I also pulled all of the threatening or abusive letters you've gotten in the last couple of years.
05:25Quite a number.
05:26Uh, oh, well, not all of them were sent to you.
05:29Some of them were just addressed to the pig in charge.
05:33I see.
05:34I assumed they meant you, Theresa.
05:38Uh, I'm gonna go run a check on some of these.
05:44Dirty, uh, is.
05:46Miller is a dirty...
05:49I don't want to interrupt your reading.
05:51Oh, no, sir.
05:53Reprehensible, sir.
05:54And bias, I may add.
05:55I appreciate it.
05:56The requisition forms you requested, sir.
05:58Thank you, Lou.
06:00Well, Leonard, uh, you were on duty this morning.
06:04Yes, sir.
06:05You didn't notice anything, uh, unusual?
06:08No, sir.
06:09I did just now.
06:12You know, sir, I just can't help but think that if somebody were up here 24 hours a day, this
06:16wouldn't happen.
06:17Probably not.
06:18There has been talk about beefing up the detective force.
06:22Really?
06:22From whom?
06:23Oh, mostly me.
06:26But there have been others, sir.
06:29Really?
06:35Am I dismissed, sir?
06:37Yes.
06:38I'll be back later as soon as the mail arrives in.
06:43We cannot deny it.
06:44Our society is crumbling.
06:46It is rotting.
06:47And you're responsible.
06:48That is grossly unfair.
06:50Hey, both of you.
06:51Now, knock it off.
06:52Okay, what do we got?
06:53Uh, this one's Lloyd Adelson.
06:56And this is, uh, Lawrence Snepp.
07:00Found him duking it out in the coffee shop over on Madison.
07:02Every year it comes like a pestilence.
07:05And there's nothing anybody can do to stop it.
07:08What's he talking about?
07:10The new TV season.
07:12Of course.
07:14Mr. Snepp is a program executive, one of the networks.
07:17They were sitting next to each other at the counter.
07:19Mr. Adelson found out who he was, an argument ensued.
07:21He threw his grapefruit juice in my face.
07:24He called me filthy names.
07:25I got a right to my opinion.
07:27Okay, all right.
07:28We'll each have your day in court.
07:29Mr. Adelson, have a seat right here.
07:31Mr. Snepp.
07:33Over here at Sergeant Dietrich's desk.
07:36Who's charging who?
07:37The coffee shop.
07:38Let's charge them both.
07:39Don't you understand?
07:41Television is destroying the very fabric of our society.
07:45It's turning us all into mindless, illiterate robots.
07:47I think we've got some very exciting programs this season.
07:51Boobs and behinds, bouncing and jiggling.
07:54Meanwhile, my kid, he can't even read a menu.
07:57Mr. Adelson, we're cops, not critics.
07:59Sit down.
08:01Now, we really are planning some marvelous programs.
08:08Documentaries, miniseries.
08:09I'm sure.
08:11Well, we're doing the Oscar Levant story.
08:13That's wonderful.
08:15But we still have to book him.
08:16Oh, I understand.
08:17So would Oscar.
08:20Nobody reads a book anymore.
08:23Nobody talks to anyone anymore.
08:26They just sit and stare at that idiot box.
08:31How can he look at himself in the mirror when he puts out that kind of garbage?
08:35We only put on what you people ask for.
08:38I didn't ask for Mork and Mindy.
08:42Hey, would you guys put a lid on it?
08:44I'm trying to finish typing your report.
08:49Who is that?
08:51Uh, he works for one of those TV networks.
08:55Oh, yeah?
08:58You would think with all of their millions of dollars, they could find some creative people,
09:02some writers, directors, who would come up with something that was at least halfway decent.
09:07We try.
09:08We're always looking for new people.
09:10My name is Ron Harris.
09:12And you are?
09:14Lawrence Snapp.
09:16Snapp?
09:17Snapp.
09:18Uh, look, Mr. Snapp, I'm a writer.
09:21I've had...
09:22I thought you were a policeman.
09:24That, too.
09:26I've written several things, Mr. Snapp.
09:28Uh, nothing for television yet.
09:30But you know the...
09:31You know, you wouldn't believe some of the things that go on in a precinct house.
09:36Fascinating characters.
09:38Situations that are gripping and tense.
09:40And at the same time, heartwarming and, uh...
09:44Funny.
09:47We're always looking for fresh concepts.
09:49You are?
09:51Okay, I need your business address.
09:53Hey, uh, we're in a meeting, Dietrich.
09:56I gotta...
09:57I gotta finish booking them.
09:58Right now?
09:59Yeah, I still gotta check in for price.
10:01Oh, all right.
10:04Uh, we'll talk later.
10:06No, no, I'll get back to you.
10:12Oh, uh, Nick, uh, did you talk to Beckman about repainting?
10:15Yeah, uh, that kind of paint was banned by the federal government two years ago.
10:20Wonderful.
10:21Does he have any suggestions?
10:22Don't lick the walls.
10:26I'll try to remember that.
10:30How you doing?
10:32I got a couple of possible suspects.
10:34What?
10:35Well, Barney, it's just hard for me to believe that someone could have gotten up here and done all this.
10:40I mean, painted walls, broke chairs, pulled out drawers, ruined a very expensive sweater,
10:46and then slipped out with nobody noticing it.
10:49Can you offer some other explanation?
10:51Well, I don't know, Barney.
10:53I mean, maybe it was someone who didn't have to sneak in here.
10:58Someone already here.
11:01Only people already here were other cops.
11:03Interesting, huh?
11:06What are you talking about?
11:07What kind of cop would do a thing like, uh...
11:10Someone, uh, frustrated?
11:12Someone, uh, dissatisfied?
11:14Someone within our very bosom.
11:16Slinking around, hardly noticed.
11:19Someone embittered.
11:21Perhaps at being turned down for a promotion.
11:24All the while seething and planning.
11:26And, uh, uh, someone, uh, someone like, uh, Levitt.
11:31Levitt?
11:32Hell of a twist, dramaturgically speaking.
11:35What are they talking about Levitt?
11:36Let's just stick to the logical possibilities.
11:39Of course it is logical.
11:41From a psychological standpoint, Levitt's a repressed type.
11:45Excessively polite.
11:46Containing his real hostility and frustration.
11:49Until eventually something simply snaps.
11:52Look.
11:53Look, you said you had a couple of suspects?
11:55Oh, yeah, I'll check them out, Barney.
11:57Yeah, you do that.
11:58Uh, Mr. Snap is, uh, waiting for you.
12:00Please, huh?
12:04Mail call.
12:05Levitt.
12:08Mostly junk, I'm afraid.
12:09Terribly sorry.
12:11Dietrich.
12:13Hold your hoes.
12:14Hold your ho.
12:15Hold your ho.
12:17That's a shame.
12:20Yeah.
12:23Your Honor.
12:25Here we go.
12:26Captain, inter-office memos, the latest promotion rosters, and sort of communiques.
12:33Is there, uh, anything else you'd like me to do?
12:36No.
12:37No, no.
12:38Nope.
12:39Good afternoon, detectives.
12:41Uh, I'll be back tomorrow.
12:52Come on, and get back in the cage.
12:53I mean, you've got to agree with me, don't you?
12:55It is all junk.
12:56I really can't say.
12:57I don't even watch the stuff.
12:58I don't blame you one bit.
13:00You hear that?
13:01He doesn't even watch it.
13:02Now, hold on.
13:02Come on, come on, come on.
13:07I'm gonna get some coffee.
13:08Do you guys want a cup?
13:09No, thanks.
13:10Well, I'll have a cup.
13:11You don't watch TV?
13:15Sports and news.
13:16Not much else.
13:17Well, well, what about, uh, drama?
13:19Comedy?
13:20It just ain't real.
13:22You know, it's just a bunch of actors saying words that some other guy wrote for them.
13:26Of course, but one must allow a suspension of disbelief and accept the dramatic illusion.
13:33I don't.
13:35By that thinking, you're denying the validity of 2,000 years of dramatic art.
13:42Yeah.
13:43Uh, you want cream?
13:47Uh, no.
13:48Uh, black, please.
13:52Yes, come in.
13:55Here are the requisition forms you requested, sir.
13:57Thank you, Leavitt.
13:58I guess you must have misplaced the others I brought earlier.
14:02Oh, uh, yes, I guess I did.
14:06Is there, uh, something else, sir?
14:09Um, why don't you have a seat for a moment, Leavitt?
14:13Yes, sir.
14:21Been, uh, been quite a day, eh?
14:24If you say so, sir.
14:26Is there something else?
14:28Uh, no, no, nothing in particular.
14:29Uh, well, I feel it, I, I, I feel it's part of my job to, to get to know as
14:38much as possible
14:38about the men who work here.
14:43I was born in 1942, just outside of New Brunswick.
14:46Oh.
14:47Oh, uh, is that where you grew up?
14:50No.
14:51We moved to Rutherford when I was 12, although, actually, I'd already stopped growing by that time.
14:58Oh.
15:00May I make a remark, sir?
15:01Certainly.
15:02This is a very strange conversation.
15:06It's just that I, uh, I, I want to get to know as much as possible about all my men.
15:11Are you having talks with the others too, sir?
15:15Uh, uh, you are the first.
15:19Is there, uh, something specific you'd like to know?
15:22No, no, no, no, no.
15:23No, it, it's, uh, it's just that I, I, I'd like to, uh, keep lines of communications open, as it
15:30were, and so that in, in case that any...
15:32Sir, I was writing up manpower reports from 4 a.m. to 8.30 a.m.
15:36I can have Sergeant Colton come up here and verify that.
15:39No, Levit, I, it won't be necessary.
15:39Will there be anything else, sir?
15:40Uh, I had to know, Levit.
15:41I know it's crazy, but it might...
15:42Can I go, sir?
15:43I have other duties.
15:44Yes, of course.
15:44Thank you, sir.
15:45Uh, Le, Levit, uh, but, uh, Levit.
15:54Usually comes when you call.
15:59Okay, thanks a lot.
16:05All right, I just talked to the coffee shop, and, uh, your breakfast tab comes to $177.
16:11I only had juice.
16:13The owner said he's willing to drop the charges if you guys pay for the damages.
16:18It's not my fault.
16:19Well, it certainly isn't mine.
16:21Okay, you guys just take your time thinking it over.
16:23I'm not the one who put on shows like My Mother the Car,
16:27Me and the Chimp, the San Pedro Beach Bar.
16:31Please, enough.
16:32The Chicago Teddy Bears.
16:35On the rocks.
16:36All right.
16:38Maybe you have to watch TV, but I have to live with it.
16:44All day long, reading infantile scripts, lying through my teeth.
16:49Yes, love the concept.
16:51Love it.
16:52Sure, Pete Rose could play comedy.
16:56Day after day, having to swallow all their garbage.
17:00It's not cool down there.
17:01Well, I'll say them one thing.
17:03I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore.
17:10What do you think you're doing?
17:12Don't you go to the movies, either.
17:16Come on, I don't want to have to put cuffs on you.
17:18Come on, come on.
17:19Leave them alone, will you?
17:20What's going on?
17:23I apologize.
17:27Look, I've been under a lot of pressure.
17:34Listen, I'm willing to pay my share of the damages.
17:38Uh, Mr. Schnapp, what about you?
17:42Huh?
17:43The damages?
17:46Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
17:49Desk appearance?
17:50Sure.
17:52You must remember the detective's room, huh?
17:55You can't go around screwing up people's lives and get away with it.
17:58Harris?
17:59Uh, yeah, Barney, this is, uh, Arnold Scully.
18:03Mr. Scully, Captain Miller.
18:07I hate your guts.
18:11How do you do?
18:13I, uh, traced him down through one of the letters, Barney.
18:16He's already admitted to being our interior designer.
18:19Oh, really?
18:22Kind of like, uh, double twist, huh?
18:25Hmm?
18:26Dramaturgically speaking.
18:28You remember everything, don't you?
18:31I bet you didn't think you'd be seeing me again.
18:34I don't think I've ever seen you before.
18:36You saying you aren't B. Miller?
18:38Badge number 233451?
18:44Yeah.
18:45Who issued a citation to me for throwing down a lousy half a hot dog on the sidewalk on May
18:5013th, 1961.
18:551961?
18:56Yeah.
18:57I'm afraid I don't remember.
18:59I do.
19:00I told you how I had an appointment.
19:02But you just kept on writing out the ticket.
19:05I told you it was for a real important job, but he just kept me there.
19:10Giving me the spiel about being patient.
19:12And keeping my perspective.
19:16Even then, huh?
19:19Uh, Mr. Scully, I don't know what you're getting excited about.
19:21If it was a citation, what, was it a lousy fine?
19:24Yeah, sure.
19:25Because of that little fine, I missed my interview, so I didn't get the job, and I'm out of work
19:30for two years.
19:33On a cuddle, which my fiancée robs me.
19:38I spent the next 16 years in and out of prison.
19:44On dope and booze, wishing I was dead.
19:50I'm sorry.
19:51Sorry.
19:53He's sorry.
19:56Well, there was no way I could have known.
19:59I wrote you.
20:04You didn't answer one stinking letter.
20:12It gets kind of hectic around here.
20:14You know, you get a lot of mail.
20:16I've heard it all before.
20:19Look, I'm very sorry for you, Mr. Scully, but the issue at hand is trespassing and defacing public property.
20:27We're going to have to book you.
20:28Sure!
20:29Finish me off!
20:31Yeah, yeah, come on, Mr. Scully, come on.
20:33Have a seat.
20:34Right over there.
20:34Come on.
20:35Come on.
20:35Come on.
20:36Come on.
20:36Come on.
20:37Come on.
20:38Come on.
20:38A ticket for littering?
20:41Well, I was young.
20:44I must have been, you know, eager to make points.
20:46I guess so.
20:48Hey!
20:50I've got an appointment at five.
20:53We'll do the best we can to get you there.
20:55I see.
21:02Snap.
21:05What's your desk appearance?
21:06Ticket?
21:07You show up at that place at that date, you present a verification of payment, and the charges will be
21:13dropped.
21:14You're free to go.
21:16You can step outside.
21:17Thank you very much.
21:18Mr. Snap.
21:19Yes?
21:21Our, uh, earlier conversation, I've, uh, jotted down a couple of story notions.
21:25Nothing elaborate.
21:26Just something that can show you what I can do.
21:28Forget it.
21:28I'm finished with that crap.
21:30Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
21:31Uh, what happened?
21:32You have a bad day?
21:33I may just go back and tell them what they can do with their job.
21:35Uh, look, could you, uh, give them this first?
21:38What's this?
21:39Uh, some stories.
21:41Uh, some real-life dramas culled from actual police experience.
21:46Oh, yeah?
21:48Like Wamba.
21:49Yeah.
21:50But more sophisticated.
21:52What are you doing?
21:52You're gonna start out with that junk all over again?
21:54Oh, would you leave this man alone?
21:57Listen, uh, I'll give it a good read.
22:00Thanks.
22:01And if I don't get back to you in a few weeks, you get in touch with me.
22:04Yeah, yeah, sure.
22:05I got your number.
22:06And fingerprints.
22:09I'll get back to you.
22:14Here you go, Mr. Adelson.
22:16Good luck.
22:18Television.
22:18It'll never change.
22:19It'll always be trash.
22:22Newton Minow called it a vast wasteland.
22:25He one of those little puppets on Sesame Street.
22:28Yeah.
22:29I thought so.
22:34Cogan says the captain wants to see me.
22:41He's here.
22:44Uh, Levitt.
22:46I just wanted to tell you that we've made an arrest on the case.
22:53Oh, that's interesting.
22:56You apologize for what happened earlier.
22:59Oh, uh, that's not necessary, sir.
23:01It was just a case of a, an extraordinary event coupled with some coincidental circumstances
23:08fired by an overactive imagination.
23:12I completely understand, sir.
23:13You have every right to be angry.
23:15Oh, I'm not angry, sir.
23:16I'm hurt a little bit.
23:18It's just that I have the highest degree of respect and admiration for you and, uh, everyone up here.
23:26It's just that I like to think that in some small degree, it's mutual.
23:32Well, it is.
23:33That's okay, sir.
23:33You don't have to say anything.
23:34Oh, I mean it sincerely.
23:35Don't need to humor me, sir.
23:36I'm not, Levitt.
23:37All right, please.
23:37How can I convince you?
23:40Noting it on my permanent record would be a start.
23:46Whatever you say.
23:47I'll bring it up tomorrow morning, sir.
23:49Fine.
23:53Well, good day, gentlemen.
23:55Captain.
23:56Captain.
23:58I guess it takes something like this to, uh, bring people closer together.
24:06Thanks.
24:11Might as well get started reorganizing the files.
24:14Why me?
24:15He did.
24:17Just get out, will you?
24:20Yes, sir.
24:22Something else you'd like to say?
24:28I have nothing to add.
24:30I have nothing to add.
24:32I have nothing to add.
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