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00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:30We'd better wake her up this time
00:34Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Maugham.
00:43Thank you very much.
00:49Thank you, everybody.
00:56Wow.
00:57Thank you so much.
01:00Thank you very much.
01:03Oh, boy.
01:06Please.
01:08Folks.
01:11Thank you very much.
01:16That is a wonderful reception.
01:18I appreciate that.
01:19It is great to be back in New York.
01:20Great to be back on Broadway.
01:22The show you're about to see tonight is one I did for a little while here on Broadway in
01:26the spring.
01:27And the idea behind that show was embodied in that first poster that you see.
01:31Victory begins at home.
01:33The idea that when you're in a war, the home front, us, the citizens, can make a difference.
01:38We can count.
01:39The government used to believe that.
01:40They used to tell you that.
01:42They used to make posters like that.
01:43But they don't do it anymore.
01:45So I thought I'd make a few.
01:48Now, of course, my posters may be a little different than what the government would tell
01:52you.
01:52But then the government tells you things like drugs fund terrorism.
01:58Because what better way to get the heat off the oil companies?
02:02You can always, yeah.
02:03You can always blame anything on drugs.
02:11There's an anti-marijuana commercial running out.
02:14Have you seen this, Ed, where two 12-year-old boys are left home alone, and they start smoking
02:19pot, and then one of them finds dad's gun and shoots the other accidentally because they're
02:27hot.
02:29Only in America is the villain in this scene, not the guns or the shitty parenting, but the
02:34pot.
02:36It's always the pot.
02:45Drugs fund terrorism.
02:47Come on.
02:47Terrorists get their money from the same place everybody gets their money, from their
02:51relatives.
02:54And their relatives sell oil.
02:57And therein is the problem.
02:59They have the oil.
03:00We have the Ford fuck you mobiles.
03:04Which I'm not here to speak again.
03:05Look, I am not the car police.
03:07I don't want to be the car police.
03:08I understand Americans love their cars.
03:10I don't get it.
03:12But I know Americans love cars and would hump them if they could.
03:15But does anybody really need a Hummer in city traffic?
03:22You know, I mean...
03:23I mean, what is next?
03:31Honey, let's take a tank to the PTA meeting tonight.
03:36No, Arabs are in the oil business.
03:39Same as Texans.
03:40You know, that is not to equate our government.
03:48It's just to say that a political party that gets a lot of its campaign contributions from
03:53oil companies is not going to make this connection.
03:57And neither are the Democrats who like the money they get from automobile unions.
04:02So the two parties are going to do the only thing they ever really do well on a bipartisan level.
04:07They're going to change the subject.
04:10Ladies and gentlemen, on September 11th, 2001, America was attacked by a squad of Saudi Arabians
04:17working out of Germany, Pakistan, and Afghanistan.
04:21And by that I mean we were attacked by Iraq.
04:23Yes, the true axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing combined with the stupidity
04:40of our people.
04:43The way they were able to morph Bin Laden into Hussein was just too easy, wasn't it?
04:50I mean, I'm glad Hussein is gone, but the Joker is not the Riddler.
04:55And on this particular crime, there was no blood in his Bronco.
05:01The, uh...
05:03Do you know that the...
05:06Do you know that the governor of this state suggested that we melt down the toppled statues
05:13of Saddam Hussein from Baghdad and use them in a new World Trade Center so that we could
05:19send a message to the world that we are a people who cannot tell Arabs apart?
05:31Which all seems especially hypocritical when you think about the first thing administration
05:36told us after the attacks was no lumping the terrorists in with the whole Muslim world.
05:43These are terrorists who happen to be Muslim, but don't inflame them all by lumping.
05:48But then when they can't find Bin Laden, plumb!
05:52Who said no lumping?
05:54We love lumping.
05:55We're lumping people.
05:59It must have been so frustrating for them, you know, after all that tough talk about,
06:03we're going to get him dead or alive, which at some point became, well, he's either dead
06:08or alive.
06:09You know, that's what we meant.
06:11It's not about one man, but it is, and people want to know, where's Waldo?
06:20And now we can't find Hussein, the guy we went after because we couldn't find Bin Laden.
06:25And now, and now they're both making tapes.
06:33That's what I guess what we're trying to do is get them into some sort of rapper's war
06:45where they're dissing each other on each other's records and hopefully they'll pop a cap in
06:50each other's ass or, I don't know. But look, if you were against this war, you don't like
06:55the president, you have to root for the plan because this may have been Bush's war, but
06:59it's America's peace now. And you have to root for the plan to succeed. The plan, as I understand
07:04it, being the total humiliation and liquidation of Iraq, followed by her rebuilding from scratch
07:10in our image, otherwise known as Scientology.
07:19It is amazing to me what lies people care most about. It blows my mind that the one lie
07:26that they still can't get over is Monica Lewinsky. That one is the standard of mendacity that ever
07:32came out of the White House. When I think about the lies, the huge steaming turd whoppers
07:37that I've heard that have affected all of our lives. Just in my lifetime, JFK shot by a lone
07:44gunman. We're winning the war in Vietnam. We didn't trade arms for hostages. Global warming
07:51needs more study. Clarence Thomas is the most qualified person we can find.
07:57But the one they can't get over is, I did not get my dick sucked by that one.
08:15My hand was not on the titty when she was on the knob and that technically was not...
08:21This is what people obsess about? It just backs up my case that this is a feminized country.
08:28Because obviously, the worst thing anyone can ever do in America is get a blow job!
08:35But lying about a war? So what? And you know, look, there is no doubt that this is a war that
08:41started under false premises. Because this is a war that originally was sold to us as one
08:46we had to fight for our own self-preservation, right? Because there was this meteor named
08:52Iraq heading right for us. And that if we did not get rid of Saddam Hussein, the moon would
08:59crash into the earth and eagles would eat your cock.
09:05But when nobody bought that bullshit, Bush started to end every speech with...
09:10And did I mention the torture? The torture? He gassed his own people!
09:16Uh, yeah, when your dad was president, and he was so upset about it, he almost interrupted
09:23his golf game. I mean, talk about a delayed reaction. Even the Kurds are like, come on,
09:39it was the 80s. People were experimenting. It was a crazy time.
09:49I mean, you know, this is why we never really had a coalition. You know, we had England,
09:53because Tony Blair is George Bush's prison bitch.
09:57And we had 200 Australians and a Polish Jeep driver named Lars. That...
10:07And by the way, on that subject, if I could say one thing, if I could give the president
10:12just one bit of advice, it's not a critique, but Mr. President, when you have those joint
10:17meetings, press conferences, let Tony Blair do the talking. Let... You know...
10:27Come on, Mr. President. You're too big for that. You're the star of this thing. You're
10:34Clint Eastwood. Let the gay English character actor lay the pipe.
10:41You know, war is a lot easier than peace. There's a lot of bright guys in that administration,
10:45but they forgot about that. But, it is too late for the Democrats to be crying foul about
10:51this weapons of mass destruction stuff. They knew that was hyped bullshit when they voted
10:56for it in October. Now, should the president of the United States be a little more careful
11:02about the intelligence he gets and perhaps not trust Austin powers? Yes. Does the average
11:14American have more dangerous chemicals in his garage? Yes, apparently. But, you know,
11:23they still might find weapons of mass destruction. And if they don't, I have it on good authority
11:27that the Los Angeles Police Department will plant them. But... But, you know... At the end
11:38of the day, to this administration, it doesn't matter because half the geniuses in this country
11:43think that we already found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and the other half think
11:48that George Bush is a fighter pilot. They... That is an administration that does understand
11:56pictures because, you know, once they got that picture of him in the flight suit, that was
11:59all they... That was what the whole war was about. Hello, look at me. I'm in the flight
12:03suit. My cock looks huge. I'm on an aircraft carrier. This big cock flight suit. Me, military
12:14guys, flag. Hello. Why even have an election? No, he understands. A picture is worth everything.
12:26I mean, this is a president with no environmental policy. But he knows enough to, every six months,
12:32do a photo op in front of a giant tree. Every six months, he just stands in front of a big
12:38sequoia with that smirk on his face like, am I hurting that tree? Am I pissing on that tree? No!
12:45I love that tree. Tree, me, people, do the math!
12:52And that is the environmental policy.
12:55There's a black kid sitting on my lap.
13:00I'm reading to a black kid. He's sitting right on me. Am I freaking out? No.
13:04And that's the race policy. I mean, it's just astounding how they work. I mean, the 2000 convention
13:27that the Republicans had? Oh, my God. The last time the Republicans had that many black people
13:32on a stage, they were selling them.
13:40Hey, folks, come on. The entertainment the first night of the convention was Chaka Khan.
13:47Yeah, this is the party running on integrity, because, you know, when you get a bunch of 60-ish,
13:52red state, white people in a room voting on entertainment, Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan, Chaka,
13:59Chaka, Chaka, Chaka, Chaka. It's all Chaka Khan. That's, you know, a couple of votes for the Gatlin
14:04brothers, you know, a few for the Dixie Chicks before they joined Al-Qaeda. This is. That's before.
14:12Oh, it's such a shame when our country singers become Islamic fundamentalists. Isn't that a...
14:20I don't know why that keeps happening. The best photo op ever, George Bush, about a year ago at
14:28Mount Rushmore. They set up the podium at the base of the mountain so that his head was exactly in line
14:35and in proportion to the heads on the mountain, which I thought was a pretty sleazy trick. And I
14:40don't think I'm the only one who thought that, because I swear to God, for about half a second,
14:44I thought I saw Lincoln go.
15:00And usually when they have a photo op, they also have a three-word slogan, because that is our attention
15:04span, three words, you know. Restoring America's future. Testing America's gullibility.
15:12Because they know you control the debate by controlling the words. You just got to control
15:16the words. You just got to make the politicians say the word that the hamsters in the focus group
15:22make hit the pedal. Say the word that makes the hamsters hit the pedal. Values. You don't have to
15:29mean it. Just say values. Values. Values. Yes. Values. We like values. Values. He said values. We like.
15:36He has values.
15:50We used to have a tax in this country called the estate tax, which was very popular because it's a tax
15:56tax on very, very, very rich fucks who die. And people thought, that's a good person to tax,
16:03and that is a good person to tax, because rich fucks who die should give away their money,
16:07or else they give it to their ne'er-do-well kid who becomes Uday Hussein.
16:13But the Republicans changed the name from the estate tax to the death tax. And people went,
16:20death, that could happen to me. I'm not hitting the pedal on that one.
16:29The Republicans are so much better at that word game. Like, they're always from the heartland.
16:35Heartland, come on. Dick Cheney from the heartland, ironically.
16:40I remember when they made the announcement that Dick Cheney was going to be the
16:49vice president candidate, they purposely went back to the heartland home of his,
16:55back to Casper, Wyoming, the only town whiter than the ghost itself.
17:03And they went back to Dick Cheney's high school, where he'd been the captain of the football team.
17:08And, folks, this is when I knew I would never be mainstream.
17:12Because, obviously, this shit works on people, but, I mean, I would never go back to my high school.
17:17I hated my high school. I hated the captain of the football team.
17:23I wish we had school shootings when I was in high school.
17:28These lucky kids today, I would have loved to have picked up a gun and shot a bunch of kids
17:32in my high school, these spoiled bastards.
17:35Anyway, there's Dick Cheney, back at his high school, captain of the football team.
17:41And then, the piece de resistance, they bring out his wife, who, of course, had been
17:47his high school sweetheart. And, again, this so doesn't work on me
17:53that you married the first chick to give you a hand job.
17:56You know, that's... Thank you.
18:07Oh, I kid Dick Cheney, but he has a plan to save the government money.
18:11It involves moving the White House to the Cayman Islands.
18:16How's that for wartime loyalty, huh?
18:18These Fortune 500 companies who move offshore. Of course, they don't really move offshore.
18:24That's the scam. Enron isn't really headquartered in the Bahamas. It's a phone and a monkey.
18:30And a mailbox to collect their dirty, bloody money.
18:34Plus, how stupid are these companies? You know, the money gets to live in the Caribbean.
18:38They stay in Newark. What? It's so easy to say anything. The one that's easy to say now is,
18:48I support the troops. It doesn't cost you anything. I support the troops. But I got a question for you.
18:54Can you really support the troops if you also support these massive tax cuts for the very rich?
19:01Because, you know, the people we say are our heroes are paid by tax dollars. And we hear about
19:07teachers have to buy their own school supplies. Soldiers in this country are on food stamps.
19:14Firemen? Well, firemen get laid so easily now. Fuck them. But anyway.
19:21But I mean, couldn't somebody in Congress stand up and say, why don't we take half of that big
19:25tax cut and give it to our heroes? Or is that why they're our heroes? Because they work cheap.
19:37It's okay.
19:41Applause cost you nothing.
19:44But think about that next time you see George Bush hugging a bunch of military guys. And look,
19:48I'm not going to rag on Bush all night. Look, I will tell you this. I will give
19:52George Bush credit for this. He is working a lot harder than he thought he'd have to.
19:56I tell you. No more homeschooling for that boy. He is going to class. But spare me this nonsense I
20:10have heard so often about how, oh, we dodged a bullet when Bush pulled out the election and then
20:159-1-1 happened because, you know, if Al Gore had been president, what, we'd be reading the Koran now?
20:22Is that it? Like, George Bush is the only one who could have pointed to Afghanistan on a map and
20:27said, destroy that. I'm sorry, George Bush pointing out a country on a map.
20:37Oh, I didn't know what I was thinking.
20:42No, no. Rumsfeld does the pointing.
20:47See, I love him. Rumsfeld, because he's so politically incorrect. How could I not love him?
20:52And what I love about him also is that he makes no effort to ever be reassuring.
20:59You notice that? He says things like, I don't think they could get a nuclear bomb in there,
21:03but yeah, maybe. What the hell is that?
21:11Oh, and people say he's Neanderthal and crude and macho. You know what? If we're going to let just
21:16one guy in America not have to be a pussy, I say it's the secretary of defense. How about that?
21:29However, the Rumsfelds of the world, they do need to be watched.
21:34So do the Ashcrofts and the Bushes and a lot of other people. And I think where the citizens of
21:38this country, where we let ourselves down, is that after the attacks, just when we should have
21:44been paying more attention, I think we paid less attention. Because thinking about icky things like
21:50war and terrorism would cause stress. And then they'd win.
22:02And the president fed right into that. He did not lead on this. He had about a
22:07window of opportunity of about two months where he could have asked us to do anything. And what did he
22:11say? Keep shopping. Spend money. Take your wife to dinner. Go see cats again. Shop till they drop, girlfriend.
22:23Which is not to say that we wouldn't have done more, because I think we would.
22:27We are an industrious people. But, you know, we're also a people, if we can get out of work, we do.
22:33This was brought home to me about a year ago when there was breaking news from rural Georgia. Do you
22:42remember this story? They found all these bodies behind this crematorium in Georgia. And when I first
22:47heard of it, I thought, oh, this is some sort of nefarious cult. No, just lazy. Just letting work pile up,
22:57as many of us do. It was like the I Love Lucy episode with the chocolates coming down, the
23:05conveyor belt. You know, the guy just couldn't keep up with the volume.
23:12Plus, you're talking about rural Georgia, so it was confusing, because a guy would come in asking
23:16for his wife and his sister. Is that one body or two? You know, that...
23:20A lot of people from rural Georgia here on Broadway. That happens on Broadway.
23:31Sorry. Sorry to offend you. I was just trying to make the point that families are allowed to be
23:38different. Well, we were told that after 9-1-1. That's what the government said. You know, that this
23:47was not a clash of civilizations. Osama bin Laden, for example, do you know this? Is the 17th of 55
23:55children? It's always the middle 20 that give you the problems. Is that right?
24:02But this is not a clash of civilizations? Yeah, we have two, three kids. You have 55.
24:09We like to have our women in the workplace. You keep yours in beekeeper suits.
24:21What is up with the beekeeper suits? I mean, can you imagine if some white country kept its black
24:28people in beekeeper suits? There'd be a riot at the UN. Jesse Jackson's head would explode.
24:35Al Sharpton would call a press conference.
24:49How do you get away? How does a country get away with keeping half its population
24:55in beekeeper suits? I'll tell you how. They say the magic word,
25:00religion. It's their religion. You say religion, you can get away with anything. The Catholics got
25:06away with fucking kids for crying out loud. Oh, you're right. I made that up. I'm sorry.
25:13You're right. I pulled that right out of my ass. That has not been in the paper a lot.
25:19Excuse me. They had to have a conference to decide if they should continue to fuck kids.
25:24They did. The guy made a speech. He said, look, we've had a good long run.
25:32But it's become something of a meat market around here and put a little more lotion on Father Tom,
25:39Billy. I mean, come on.
25:44Look, all you need to know about the fact that this is a clash of civilizations is the beekeeper suit,
25:51that burqa, the fact of the way we treat our women so differently. I mean, in our society,
25:56we try to get women to undress as much as possible. We like to be teased, whereas their view is,
26:03if I can't have the pussy, I don't want to see it. That is too painful. Just throw a tarp on that,
26:09because I'll be thinking about that all day.
26:12You know, whereas in this country, women wear these jeans that are cut. That had to be the
26:23last straw for Bin Laden. When those jeans, I was like, you'll push my buttons on that.
26:28Because, you know, it's like a woman walks into a place and just like,
26:31hi, you don't even know my name. You're one inch from pussy. What do you think about that?
26:36You haven't even met me. You are one inch from pussy. We haven't said hello.
26:44You're on the one-yard line. The game has not begun. It's amazing.
26:53But I tell you, you know who I feel sorry for in America is whores.
26:57Because what can a whore wear anymore than, you know?
27:13What can a whore wear to signal the prospective customer, no, I'm a real whore. I'm selling this
27:20ass. I'm not on my way to an award show. I'm a whore. A real whore.
27:27But, you know, we're all whores. You do know that, right? That's what Jerry Falwell and Pat
27:36Robertson said after 9-1-1. They said, God, let it happen. Because we're wicked. Because we're
27:43abortionists and homosexuals and adulterers. So, God, let it happen. Which I don't agree with,
27:49but it cleared something up for me because I've always wondered, right? What's the nature of God?
27:53And now I know. He's a prick. He let it happen. A prick. Wow.
28:00Interesting. I had heard good things, but apparently not.
28:07Are there any Christian fundamentalists here tonight?
28:12No? Because, you know, I have been defending the Christian fundamentalists. Because it really
28:16bothers me when people compare their fundamentalists with ours. I hear it all the time. You know,
28:21we have extremists too. Uh, yeah, but this is a great country because ours are just funny.
28:30The worst ours can do is like, you know, identify the gay Teletubby.
28:35It's purple. It's purple. It's purple. You're purple. Gay. Hello. Your kids are seeing a gay.
28:46You know, whereas in Saudi Arabia, you know, our ally.
28:51In Saudi Arabia on Friday nights, they have beheadings for such crimes as homosexuality,
29:01or adultery, or being an infidel, or not rewinding, or whatever.
29:08So, yes, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson are morons who think homosexuals are going to burn in hell,
29:13but they're not suggesting that we go over to Richard Simmons' house and cut off his head.
29:17I'm suggesting it. In fact, I'm insisting on it.
29:29Now, I think Western civilization is more enlightened precisely because we have learned how to ignore our
29:37religious leaders. You know, every religious leader says things, you know, when one of their
29:42ayatollahs issues of falafel, they do it. We don't follow it. I mean, the Pope says a lot of things.
29:51No premarital sex. Thank you very much. Charming. You are a charmer. Thank you.
29:59Hey, kids, get in here. Look, it's the Pope. Oh, it's like seeing an albino tiger in the wild.
30:05How much longer have you been able to see that? The Pope. No masturbation. He's doing all his greatest
30:13hits. Look at that. So, thank you. You're a fabulous Catholic celebrity. Now, go back to the castle.
30:24Sometimes people say to me, Bill, you're prejudiced against the Muslims. No. I promise you, I am not.
30:30Prejudice comes from pre-judge. I am not pre-judging. I am judging. Yes, I am judging that if your TGIF
30:41is beheadings and getting stoned in your country is a bad thing, then yes, you're bringing up the rear
30:50civilization-wise. You need an enlightenment. You need a reformation. You need something. I don't feel
30:55bad for those 300 killers we got down in Guantanamo Bay always crabbing about how we don't respect their
31:01religious practices. You know what? You lost. Eat what we eat. Here's a cheese-filled snausage. Enjoy.
31:13You don't like that? Just eat the bun. You don't like that? Don't eat anything. You won't be missed.
31:17I would also say to them that if we ever find the body of a suicide attacker,
31:24we will bury it wrong. Wrong. With a hooker and a bottle of Jack Daniels.
31:37Facing Barneys. That's the word.
31:42But you have to understand, you have to embrace, the values of Western civilization are not just
31:50different. They are better. Okay? I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of
31:56multiculturalism, that all civilizations are just different. No, not always. Sometimes things are
32:02better. Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy. Equality of the sexes, better. Protection
32:10of minorities, better. Free speech, better. Free elections, better. Free appliances with large
32:16purchases, better.
32:29Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance. Remember what happened to Salman Rushdie? He wrote a
32:36book. It got mixed reviews. Some people liked it. Some people wanted his head on a stick.
32:44No one should have to die for writing a book, with the exception of The Bridges of Madison County. I will...
32:54But look, I will always defend the West, our way of life, but I sure understand why people hate us
33:00around the world. And that's not just Arabs and not just Muslims. Lots of people hate us and they're not
33:05all wrong. I'll give you an example just from our own hemisphere. Do you know what Plan Colombia is?
33:11Well, you get the first 12 CDs for a penny.
33:17Now, Plan Colombia is a massive defoliation program that we have going, that our military is conducting in
33:24the country of Colombia, that is ruining their countryside. Why are we doing it? Because there
33:29are some plants down there that are evil. How do we know they're evil? Well, they don't have Bristol
33:35Myers Squibb, Eli Lilly, or Pfizer written on them.
33:41So...
33:42And by the way, if cocaine gave you an erection instead of took one away, not only would it be
33:52legal, but Bob Dole would do ads for it. We do give the world the impression that we think American
34:01lives are more valuable than anybody else's lives, which is odd because we're supposed to be a religious
34:06people. And I thought God made humans and not Americans, but I didn't even know he was a prick.
34:12I think people hate us around the world because they perceive that we waste when we could share.
34:19And they're not totally wrong about that. We are gluttonous. We shop with forkless.
34:27We eat giant food off of giant plates. We have a holiday where we stuff food into other food.
34:35We eat giant food.
34:37I mean...
34:43Thanksgiving is really typical of how we think about third world indigenous people. We celebrate the one
34:49nice moment we ever had with the Indians. It would be like a date rapist saying,
34:54let's concentrate on the nice dinner we had early in the evening.
34:56You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time of the history, especially, you're lucky.
35:15We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery. But a little modesty about it might keep
35:21the heat off of this, you know. I can't take people who say things like, we built this country.
35:27You built nothing. I think the railroads were pretty much up by 1980.
35:35These are the same people who always get all uppity about immigration.
35:39They're taking American jobs.
35:41They're right. Like you'd stand on the freeway and sell oranges out of a bag.
35:51These poor people swim through a river of sludge to get here to park our cars,
35:57pick our fruit, blow our leaves. They do all the jobs nobody else wants to do,
36:02like landscaping and impregnating Madonna.
36:05And what do people say? Keep them out. Build a wall, which is a dumb idea.
36:14Walls never work. The one they're building in Israel isn't going to work.
36:18The Berlin Wall didn't work. The Great Wall of China didn't work.
36:21That invisible space diaphragm that we're putting up there.
36:25Although that one, I must say, when I read recently that the North Korean guy,
36:30Lil' Kim, you know, the guy...
36:37When I read that he had missiles that could reach Los Angeles, I was like,
36:40what is the delay with the space shield, please?
36:43Could we get the magic umbrella up and working?
36:48Because, you see, danger focuses the mind.
36:51I don't know why that hasn't worked better here already.
36:54Like, especially at the airport, you'd think that would be the one place
36:57where it would have worked better.
36:58And people say, oh, things have gotten better at the airport.
37:02Really? No, they've gotten whiter.
37:05It looks to me like they just fired all the black people and hired white people.
37:08I don't know why, but it used to be Shaniqua with the eight-inch fingernails going through my bag.
37:14And now it's a white guy named Roy.
37:18But white, black, they're still using the same method.
37:21Random. Random.
37:24Al Gore, famously, was pulled out of line.
37:28Al Gore, now come on, he's two electoral votes for being president, but he's the terrorist?
37:35At least that's how they reported it on Fox News.
37:37But come on.
37:45We really need to search Al Gore.
37:48And they gave him the full search, including the anal cavity search.
37:51And they found his head.
37:52You know what?
37:59You got to get over that.
38:00Al Gore lost that election all by himself by maintaining his pledge to end charisma as we know it.
38:08You got to get over Florida, Democrats.
38:10Seriously, the Republicans did not steal that election.
38:14It did fall off a truck.
38:18But they didn't exactly steal it.
38:21But no, I mean, come on.
38:22At the airports, it was over a year after 9-1-1 when people at the airport, the authorities, were still using the honor system.
38:29Remember we still had to answer those two brilliant questions?
38:32Did you pack your own bags?
38:36No, Allah packed my bags.
38:40What, bad answer?
38:45You know, we still have to show our ID three times.
38:48That's the key.
38:49Three times before you get on the plane.
38:51Because who could ever have a fake ID?
38:54Bush's daughter's had a fake ID.
38:56Come on.
39:03ID.
39:03Like it's going to say, Carlos the Jackal.
39:06Right on it.
39:06Mr. the Jackal, please step out of line.
39:11The first thing they did at LAX after the attack to calm everybody's nerves was they put out a decree.
39:17No more curbside drop-offs except by licensed people.
39:23Only licensed taxis and limousines.
39:27All of which, of course, are driven by people from Afghanistan, Pakistan.
39:31Fuck you, Stan.
39:32We hate you, Stan.
39:33Shove it up your ass, Stan.
39:36You know, if that Republican slogan machine could just come up with a better name than profiling,
39:42if they would just call it proactive intelligence screening, people would go,
39:46it's about time we had a little of that around here.
39:48Because, you know, it's good to be color blind, and it's good to be ethnic blind,
39:55and it's good to be religious blind.
39:57But at the end of the day, blind does mean you can't see.
40:02And if you can't see, how are you going to tell what color it is on the terrorist threat advisory chart?
40:09Because, you know, I go by that thing.
40:11Don't you? Because, you know, like when it's yellow, I'm pretty normal.
40:16You know, I'm just, you know, maybe, maybe I look around every four or five.
40:20But when it's orange, I, what, take a sweater?
40:24I mean, what, what is the plan here?
40:38Now, you know that we are not serious about winning the terror war for one simple reason,
40:43because we still have a drug war.
40:45I think it's very telling that the last airport incident I heard about before 9-1-1 was when
40:51Aaron Sorkin, the brilliant writer-producer of The West Wing, got caught
40:55trying to take mushrooms to Las Vegas.
40:58Ooh, when I heard that, I said, what a great idea.
41:04No wonder why this guy wins the Emmy every year.
41:06That's a brilliant way to make that town bearable.
41:09But...
41:17But thank God they got them, huh?
41:18Because, you know, if we start letting creative people take funny mushrooms to resort cities...
41:24What? What would happen? Please tell me.
41:27Take me down that slippery slope from Aaron Sorkin with his mushrooms
41:31to your kid turning tricks behind a dumpster to make a fix.
41:36Take me on that journey and I will get behind the drug war.
41:40The police report said that Mr. Sorkin's judgment was impaired getting on the plane.
41:46I hope so.
41:47Isn't that what we're trying for? I mean, is he driving the plane?
41:51Because if not, why do we need judgment on the plane?
41:55Peanuts? Trail mix? I...
41:58I don't know.
42:00I can't decide.
42:03Four bucks for the Sandra Bullock movie?
42:04My mind is cloudy.
42:11Judgment impaired going to Las Vegas, a town built on impairing people's judgment.
42:18Have you ever been to a casino? There's no clocks. There's no oxygen.
42:22They're plying you with liquor. You need a police dog just to find your way out.
42:26But don't get fucked up on the way. Let the professionals fuck you up.
42:33Which is, by the way, the official drug policy of the United States government.
42:46I'm not kidding. That is our drug policy. Let the professionals fuck you up.
42:51It's not like we don't have drugs in this country. We've got a million drugs.
42:54Let the professionals do it, though. Why is marijuana the one drug that never killed anybody,
43:00somehow on the illegal side of the divide? Why does every administration,
43:04Democrat, Republican, take the same stupid dodge about,
43:07we need to do more study? Yeah, they all study it. You know what they found? It makes you eat cookie dough.
43:19I think the drugs that are a lot scarier are the ones they advertise on the 6.30 evening news.
43:31I mean, they advertise these prescription drugs that,
43:35they say, damn if I know what the problem is, what the cure is. It's just vaguely happy people.
43:42Just, there's a woman in a wheat field.
43:49She's just very happy about wheat. I don't, you know, there's...
43:54There's one with a guy dancing on a melting clock. I'm not kidding. He's dancing on a melting clock.
43:59You may not need. I don't care about need. I want that one, okay? That's...
44:05This is past need. Tell your doctor. Tell your doctor?
44:12Shouldn't your doctor tell you what drugs you need? When you tell your doctor,
44:17isn't he just a dealer at that point?
44:33It's funny. In America, half the people in this country think that
44:37drugs is what you have to regulate to make us safer, and half the people think guns. That's what
44:42you've got to regulate to make us safer. But I always think, if you're going to regulate one thing
44:46that has the most potential to cause death and destruction, religion. You've got to start with
44:51religion, and... I'm not... I don't say this out of bitterness. Look, I was raised Catholic,
44:59but, you know, I was never molested, and I'm a little insulted. Quite frankly, I, uh,
45:04I guess they didn't find me attractive. But, uh, I was attractive, and it's their loss.
45:13I really understand how this nightmare of clerical pedophilia could have happened,
45:18because if you're a priest and you spend your whole life spewing this nonsense about the snake
45:23and the whale and the apple and the rib, it's like, oh, fuck it, just blow me, kid.
45:28What the fuck is that? What, just?
45:36Also, what is so hard about just saying the words, I don't know? I don't know. Of course,
45:45there are questions that plague all of us. How did we get here? What happens when we die?
45:51Is there a heaven? Am I on the list? Who let the dogs out? Yes.
45:59But why would you believe what some other human being, whose brain, I promise you,
46:03is no bigger or better than yours, when he tells you he knows what happens when you die?
46:08Don't masturbate now. You won't get to hang out with Jesus in heaven. How do I know? I've got a
46:14pointy hat. I've got a hat and a robe and I have smoke and a wand. It's so gay, the whole church.
46:23Could they just come out of the closet, really? I mean, it's just so, you know, every Sunday,
46:29it's such a pageant with the costumes and the wands and the goblets and the smoke and the kneeling
46:35down in front of another man with your mouth open. Nothing gay about that, no. Nothing gay there.
46:44So, are our religions corrupt? Yes, of course they are. But once again, I have to say,
46:56their religions, even worse. Even worse. I mean, that thing about the 72 virgins,
47:01that's the lowest. Promising pussy in the afterlife is the lowest thing I've ever heard in my life.
47:07I mean, I am no Christian, but I do think Jesus is a fantastic role model. And the reason he is,
47:17is because he never said anything like, blessed are the meek, for they shall get laid.
47:21Also, by the way, 72 virgins is very suspicious to me. It's a clue. It tells you we're dealing with
47:31people from a bartering culture. Because nobody starts with that number. Somebody said 100 virgins,
47:3850, 85, 69, 79, 71, 73, 72. Done. That's how you got 72.
47:53We are dealing with people from the Middle East. Arabs and Jews who have a lot more in common than
47:58they would like to admit. And one of the things they have in common is that they're from
48:02the Middle East, which was called that because it's in the middle. Because everything that went
48:08from Europe to Asia, always through the commerce, always had to go through the middle. That's why
48:15Columbus was looking for another way. And people said to him, Chris, if you take this journey,
48:24you're going to die. And he said, I would rather sail off the edge of the fucking world and deal with
48:31those people one more day. Have you been to the mall?
48:45But people from the Middle East, they are good with money. That is in their history. It is in their
48:49heritage. Terrorists are very good with money for that reason. They're brilliant at laundering money.
48:55It's the one thing they do, launder.
49:01Odell, don't make fun of the people who attack this. No, it's true. They know how to move things
49:07through untraceable items, including, and I know women hate to hear this, diamonds. A good way to
49:12fight terrorism, don't buy diamonds, because they move stuff through diamonds. And, well,
49:17I know women hate to hear that because women think about diamonds the way men think about sex, the
49:24way leeches think about blood. But diamonds have a lot of blood on them, even without the terrorist
49:31connection. Take that away, they have a lot of blood on them, because diamonds are mined in Africa by
49:36rebel armies. And the rebel armies control the territory and make the villagers mine the diamonds,
49:41and they control them through terror, through such lovely things as cutting off the arms of the
49:47little children, something you never see in the De Beers commercials. Now, I told this to a woman
49:52recently who is only about the nicest person I've ever met, but she is a woman. And I told her about
49:59Africa and the armies and the rebels and the terror and the cutting off the arms of the little children,
50:04and she looked up at me with a little sad face and said, both arms? I swear to God, that's a true story.
50:15Now, I know it's the national law here in America that women are more evolved than men,
50:19but if that's true, how come they're still so impressed by shiny objects?
50:24I'm just asking. I'm just asking. Please, it is not anti-woman just to talk about women,
50:31okay? And we're going to do it now. Because when I say this is a feminized country, first of all,
50:37understand that I get it that there are millions and millions of women who are steely-eyed realists,
50:43and millions and millions of men who are anything but. However, for lack of a better term, I would say
50:50that the feminine values are now the values of America. Sensitivity is more important than truth.
50:57Feelings are more important than facts. Commitment is more important than individuality.
51:03Children are more important than people. Safety is more important than fun.
51:09I always hear women say, you know, married men live longer. Uh, yes, and an indoor cat
51:16also lives longer. It's a furball with a broken spirit that can only
51:28look out on a world it will never enjoy, but it does technically live longer.
51:36See, this is very personal to me because I'm like the last of my guy friends who have never gotten
51:41married and their wives, they don't want them playing with me. You know, I, I'm like the escaped
51:46slave. I bring news of freedom. You know, it's, it's not a good thing to have me around, you know.
51:53Keep the husbands in the dark. They're happier that way.
51:58So I know women don't have it easy in America, but it is sort of politically incorrect
52:03just to be male in this country now. I mean, look at television. Look at any sitcom.
52:08The wife is always brilliant and ethereal and right about everything. And the husband is always a dumb
52:15fuck lucky to have found her. The only smart men on television are Frazier and his brother,
52:22both of whom are gayer than little Richard's underpants. So
52:30I understand that women suffer, but I don't think it's as much publicized that a lot of men
52:36in America are living lives of quiet desperation, lobotomized of their libido,
52:42anesthetizing themselves with sports and pornography, and living in an Orwellian world where we have to
52:49pretend to concur with the woman's point of view. On any TV show in America, if somebody got up there
52:56and said, you know, women are smarter than men, automatic round of applause. If somebody said,
53:01men are smarter than women, you'd be booed off the stage. I mean, what does that tell you about our
53:05culture that we have to pretend that one sex is smarter than the other? Women are smarter than men.
53:12If women ran the world, there'd be no wars. Being pregnant is sexy. You know, just a whole roster of
53:22things that we don't really believe, but we pretend to believe because it's easier to make women nod than
53:28to live in the doghouse. I heard one on daytime TV the other day. Only a woman could have said this,
53:35and of course, everyone pretended it was true. She said a couple should explore their mutual fantasies.
53:41Ladies, there are no such things as mutual fantasies. Yours bore us, ours offend you.
53:55Trust me.
54:01Ladies, trust me, there is no fantasy where a handsome prince runs to you across a meadow and takes you
54:07in his arms and pledges his undying love and then comes on your face. Okay?
54:15That would be a mutual fantasy if you've ever seen a porn movie.
54:27But I think men are just tired of apologizing for being men, and I think women would be a lot happier
54:33if you'd stop making us apologize for it. You'd save yourselves a lot of wear and tear. For one
54:38thing, give you one example, no woman in America would ever get breast implants. Because if you
54:43really got inside the man's mind, you'd understand that it's never about big or little or short or tall
54:49or blonde or brunette. It's only about old and new.
54:55Hugh Grant had Elizabeth Hurley at home. He wanted Marvin Hagler in a wig.
55:12You cannot reform biology. And by the way, the male impetus to spread our seed is why we are a
55:20successful species. That is why we're sitting here right now. But do we get thanks for it? No,
55:25we get impeached. Hey, you know what? That whole election was a feminized issue because that 2000
55:35election was all about the Republican marketing machine. They were able to morph monogamy into
55:42integrity the same way they morphed bin Laden into Hussein. I mean, Bush's whole campaign was about,
55:48we're going to be restoring integrity. Well, excuse me, but the Bush family, especially when they're
55:53running for the White House, has no more integrity than anybody else. They do what they have to to
55:58win like everybody else. Maybe they don't have less, but they don't have more. The difference is
56:03they fucked their wives. And that's what he ran on. I fucked my wife.
56:08I'm a white fucker. I have integrity. I fucked my wife. Unlike a certain president I could name.
56:18And his vice president who was there, was there. They make it sound like Al Gore was holding Monica's
56:24hair, you know. Come on, babe. Come on, honey. Honey, shut up. I got Arafat waiting in the Rose Garden here, babe.
56:34I mean, come on. The Star Report was a marketing document. It had nothing to do with the law
56:44and everything to do with making sure everybody knew all the lurid little details, like that one
56:51of their trysts took place on Easter. That's right. The president had his dick in a Jew's mouth on Easter.
57:02Run against that, motherfucker.
57:11And Al Gore took the bait. That's why Al Gore tried to prove that he loved his wife even more.
57:16Remember he kissed her at the convention? That disgusting kiss? Have you ever seen anything
57:20so disgusting? Can you imagine any other politician? Can you imagine Richard Nixon? Come here, Pat,
57:26you bitch. I'm going to chew on your ass, you little whore. But that was Al Gore's way of saying,
57:34I fucked my wife, too. And a week later, George Bush let himself get caught on camera grabbing his wife's
57:42ass. Because that's his way of saying, oh, you're not going to steal the integrity issue from us.
57:48We're the wife fuckers in this election. I fuck my wife. My brother fucks his wife. My dad even
57:54fucks his wife. And that's a lot of integrity. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. You're a great crowd.
58:03Thank you. I appreciate you coming out.
58:14Thank you very much.
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