- 2 days ago
br br br RealityRealmUSbr Reality Realm USbr br Please subscribe to our official channel to watch the full movie for free as soon as possible Reality Insight Hubbr Official Channel httpswwwdailymotioncomTheVisionFramebr THANK YOU br
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00I was made for America
00:22Her shining dream plays in my mind
00:30By the rocket's red glare
00:32A generation's blank stare
00:34We'd better wake her up this time
00:39Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Maugham!
00:47Thank you very much!
00:54Thank you, everybody!
00:55Thank you!
00:59Thank you!
01:01Wow!
01:03Thank you so much!
01:07Thank you very much!
01:09Oh, boy!
01:11Please!
01:13Folks!
01:15Thank you very much!
01:17Thank you!
01:21Well, that is a wonderful reception
01:23I appreciate that
01:24It is great to be back in New York
01:25Great to be back on Broadway
01:27The show you're about to see tonight
01:29Is one I did for a little while here on Broadway in the spring
01:31And the idea behind that show
01:33Was embodied in that first poster that you see
01:35Victory begins at home
01:37The idea that when you're in a war
01:39The home front, us, the citizens
01:41Can make a difference, we can count
01:43The government used to believe that
01:45They used to tell you that
01:47They make posters like that
01:48But they don't do it anymore
01:49So I thought I'd make a few
01:51Now, of course, my posters
01:54May be a little different
01:55Than what the government would tell you
01:57But then the government tells you
01:59Things like drugs fund terrorism
02:02Because what better way
02:03To get the heat off the oil companies?
02:05You can always blame anything on drugs
02:16There's an anti-marijuana commercial running out
02:18Have you seen this ad?
02:19Where two 12-year-old boys are left home alone
02:22And they start smoking pot
02:25And then one of them finds dad's gun
02:28And shoots the other accidentally
02:30Because they're hot!
02:33Only in America is the villain in this scene
02:36Not the guns or the shitty parenting
02:38But the pot
02:39It's...
02:40It's always the pot
02:49Drugs fund terrorism
02:51Come on
02:52Terrorists get their money
02:53From the same place
02:54Everybody gets their money
02:55From their relatives
02:56And their relatives sell oil
03:01And therein is the problem
03:04They have the oil
03:05We have the Ford
03:06Fuck you mobiles
03:08Which I'm not here to speak again
03:10Look, I am not the car police
03:11I don't want to be the car police
03:13I understand Americans love their cars
03:15I don't get it
03:16But I know Americans love cars
03:18And would hump them if they could
03:20But does anybody really need a Hummer?
03:24And city traffic
03:26You know
03:27I mean
03:31I mean what
03:32What is next?
03:35Honey, let's take a tank
03:36To the PTA meeting tonight
03:41No, Arabs are in the oil business
03:43Same as Texans
03:45You know, that's
03:46That's
03:47No, that
03:48That is
03:49No, no, no, no
03:50No, that is
03:51That is not to equate our government
03:53It's just to say
03:54That a political party
03:55That gets a lot of its campaign contributions
03:57From oil companies
03:59Is not going to make this connection
04:01And neither are the Democrats
04:03Who like the money they get
04:04From automobile unions
04:06So the two parties
04:07Are going to do the only thing
04:08They ever really do well
04:09On a bipartisan level
04:11They're going to change the subject
04:13Ladies and gentlemen
04:16On September 11th, 2001
04:18America was attacked
04:20By a squad of Saudi Arabians
04:22Working out of Germany
04:23Pakistan
04:24And Afghanistan
04:25And by that I mean
04:26We were attacked by Iraq
04:34What?
04:39Yes, the true axis of evil in America
04:41Is the genius of our marketing
04:43Combined with the stupidity
04:44Of our people
04:48The, uh
04:49The way they were able to morph
04:51Bin Laden into Hussein
04:53Was just too easy, wasn't it?
04:55I mean
04:56I'm glad Hussein is gone
04:57But the Joker is not the Riddler
04:59And
05:02On this particular crime
05:03There was no blood in his Bronco
05:05The, uh
05:06Do you know
05:09Do you know
05:10That the
05:13Do you know that the governor
05:14Of this state
05:15Suggested that we melt down
05:17The toppled statues
05:18Of Saddam Hussein
05:19From Baghdad
05:20And use them
05:21In a new world trade center
05:23So that we could send
05:24A message to the world
05:25That we are a people
05:26Who cannot tell Arabs apart
05:28Which all seems especially hypocritical
05:38When you think about
05:39The first thing the administration
05:40Told us
05:41After the attacks
05:42Was no lumping the terrorists
05:45In with the whole Muslim world
05:47These are terrorists who happen
05:48To be Muslim
05:49But don't inflame them all
05:50By lumping
05:51But then when they can't find Bin Laden
05:54Lump
05:56Who said no lumping?
05:58We love lumping
05:59We're lumping people
06:01It must have been so frustrating for them
06:05You know
06:06After all that tough talk about
06:07We're gonna get him dead or alive
06:09Which at some point became
06:11Well he's either dead or alive
06:12You know
06:13That's what we meant
06:15It's
06:16It's not about one man
06:19But it is
06:21And people wanna know
06:22Where's Waldo?
06:25And now we can't find Hussein
06:27The guy we went after
06:28Because we couldn't find Bin Laden
06:32And now
06:33And now they're both making tapes
06:45I guess what we're trying to do
06:47Is get them into some sort of
06:48Rappers war
06:49Where they're
06:50Dissing each other
06:51On each other's records
06:52And hopefully they'll
06:53Pop a cap in each other's ass
06:55Or
06:56I don't
06:57But look
06:58If you were against this war
06:59Or you don't like the president
07:00You have to root for the plan
07:01Because this may have been Bush's war
07:03But it's America's peace now
07:05And you have to root for the plan to succeed
07:07The plan as I understand it
07:08Being the total humiliation
07:10And liquidation of Iraq
07:12Followed by her rebuilding from scratch
07:14In our image
07:17Otherwise known as Scientology
07:24It is amazing to me what lies
07:27People care most about
07:28It blows my mind
07:29That the one lie
07:30That they still can't get over
07:31Is Monica Lewinsky
07:32That
07:33That one is the standard of mendacity
07:35That ever came out of the White House
07:37When I think about the lies
07:38The huge
07:39Steaming turd whoppers
07:41That I've heard
07:43That I've heard
07:44That have affected all of our lives
07:45Just in my lifetime
07:46JFK
07:47Shot by a lone gunman
07:49We're winning the war in Vietnam
07:51We didn't trade arms for hostages
07:54Global warming needs more study
07:57Clarence Thomas
07:59Clarence Thomas is the most qualified person
08:01We can find
08:07But the one they can't get over is
08:09I did not get my dick sucked by that one
08:12My hand was not on the titty when she was on the knob
08:24And that technically was not
08:26This is what people obsess about
08:29It just backs up my case that this is a feminized country
08:32Because obviously the worst thing anyone can ever do in America
08:35Is get a blow job
08:40But lying about a war
08:41So what
08:42And you know
08:43Look
08:44There is no doubt
08:45That this is a war
08:46That started under false premises
08:47Because this is a war
08:48That originally
08:49Was sold to us
08:50As one we had to fight
08:52For our own self preservation
08:54Right
08:55Because there was this
08:56Meteor named Iraq
08:58Heading right for us
09:00And that if we did not get rid of Saddam Hussein
09:03The moon would crash into the earth
09:05And eagles would eat your cock
09:10But when nobody bought that bullshit
09:12Bush started to end every speech with
09:15And did I mention the torture?
09:17The torture
09:18He gassed his own people
09:21Yeah, when your dad was president
09:25And he was so upset about it
09:26He almost interrupted his golf game
09:28I mean
09:31Talk
09:39Talk about a delayed reaction
09:41Even the Kurds are like
09:42Come on
09:43It was the 80s
09:44People were experimenting
09:47It was a crazy time
09:49Crazy time
09:53I mean, you know
09:54This is why we never really had a coalition
09:56You know
09:57We had England
09:58Because Tony Blair
09:59Is George Bush's prison bitch
10:06And we had 200 Australians
10:08And a Polish Jeep driver named Lars
10:10That
10:12And by the way
10:14On that subject
10:15If I could say one thing
10:16If I could give the president
10:17Just one bit of advice
10:18It's not a critique
10:19But, Mr. President
10:20When you have those joint press conferences
10:23Let Tony Blair do the talking
10:25You know
10:33Come on, Mr. President
10:35You're too big for that
10:37You're the star of this thing
10:38You're Clint Eastwood
10:39Let the gay English character actor
10:44Lay the pipe
10:46You know, war is a lot easier than peace
10:48There's a lot of bright guys in that administration
10:50But they forgot about that
10:51But
10:52It is too late for the Democrats
10:53To be crying foul
10:55About this weapons of mass destruction stuff
10:58They knew that was hyped bullshit
11:00When they voted for it in October
11:02Now
11:03Should
11:04The president of the United States
11:05Be a little more careful
11:06About the intelligence he gets
11:08And perhaps
11:09Not trust
11:10Austin Powers
11:15Yes
11:17Does the average American
11:19Have more dangerous chemicals
11:21In his garage
11:25Yes, apparently
11:26But
11:27You know, they still might find
11:28Weapons of mass destruction
11:29And if they don't
11:30I have it on good authority
11:31That the Los Angeles Police Department
11:33Will plant them
11:34But
11:37But, you know
11:42At the end of the day
11:43To this administration
11:44It doesn't matter
11:45Because half the geniuses
11:46In this country
11:48Think that we already found
11:49Weapons of mass destruction in Iraq
11:51And the other half
11:52Think that George Bush
11:53Is a fighter pilot
11:54They
11:58That is an administration
11:59That does understand pictures
12:00Because, you know
12:01Once they got that picture of him
12:02In the flight suit
12:03That was all
12:04That was what the whole war was about
12:05Hello
12:06Look at me
12:07I'm in the flight suit
12:08My cock looks huge
12:10I'm on an aircraft carrier
12:14This big cock flight suit
12:17Me, military guys, flag
12:20Hello
12:21Why even have an election?
12:22No, he understands
12:24The picture is worth everything
12:26I mean, this is a president
12:27With no environmental policy
12:28But he knows enough
12:29To every six months
12:30Do a photo op
12:31In front of a giant tree
12:32Every six months
12:33He just stands in front of a big sequoia
12:34With that smirk on his face
12:35Like
12:36Am I hurting that tree?
12:37Am I pissing on that tree?
12:38Am I pissing on that tree?
12:39No
12:40I love that tree
12:41Tree, me, people, do the math
12:42And that is the environmental policy
12:44There's a black kid sitting on my lap
12:46I'm reading to a black kid
12:48He's sitting right on me
12:49Am I freaking out?
12:50No
12:52someone
12:54Do a black kid sitting on my lap
12:56I'm reading to a black kid
12:58He's sitting right on me
12:59Am I freaking out?
13:00No
13:08I'm reading to a black kid
13:11He's sitting right on me
13:12Am I like, get that Tory Bailey off of me?
13:23No.
13:25And that's the race policy.
13:27I mean, it's just astounding how they work.
13:30I mean, the 2000 convention that the Republicans had?
13:33Oh, my God.
13:34The last time the Republicans had that many black people on a stage,
13:38they were selling them.
13:39I mean, hey, folks, come on.
13:46The entertainment, the first night of the convention, was Chaka Khan.
13:52Yeah, this is the party running on integrity,
13:54because, you know, when you get a bunch of 60-ish red state white people
13:58in a room voting on entertainment,
14:02Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan, Chaka, Chaka, Chaka, Chaka, Chaka.
14:05It's all Chaka Khan.
14:06And it's, you know, a couple of votes for the Gatlin brothers, you know,
14:11a few for the Dixie Chicks.
14:13Before they joined Al-Qaeda, this is.
14:15That's before.
14:21It's such a shame when our country singers become Islamic fundamentalists.
14:25Isn't that a...
14:26I don't know why that keeps happening.
14:28The best photo op ever, George Bush, about a year ago, at Mount Rushmore.
14:34They set up the podium at the base of the mountain
14:37so that his head was exactly in line
14:40and in proportion to the heads on the mountain,
14:43which I thought was a pretty sleazy trick.
14:45And I don't think I'm the only one who thought that,
14:47because I swear to God, for about half a second,
14:49I thought I saw Lincoln go.
15:05And usually when they have a photo op,
15:06they also have a three-word slogan,
15:08because that is our attention span, three words, you know.
15:11Restoring America's future.
15:13Testing America's gullibility.
15:15Because they know you control the debate by controlling the words.
15:21You just got to control the words.
15:22You just got to make the politician say the word
15:24that the hamsters in the focus group make hit the pedal.
15:29Say the word that makes the hamsters hit the pedal.
15:32Values.
15:33You don't have to mean it.
15:34Just say it.
15:35Values.
15:36Values.
15:36Yes, values.
15:38We like values.
15:39Values.
15:39He said values.
15:40We like values.
15:41He has values.
15:45We used to have a tax in this country called the estate tax,
15:59which was very popular because it's a tax
16:01on very, very, very rich fucks who die.
16:06And people thought, that's a good person to tax,
16:08and that is a good person to tax,
16:09because rich fucks who die should give away their money,
16:12or else they give it to their ne'er-do-well kid who becomes Uday Hussein.
16:18But the Republicans changed the name
16:20from the estate tax to the death tax.
16:24And people went, death?
16:25That could happen to me.
16:28I'm not hitting the pedal on that one.
16:34The Republicans are so much better at that word game.
16:37Like, they're always from the heartland.
16:40Heartland, come on.
16:42Dick Cheney from the heartland, ironically.
16:50I remember when they made the announcement
16:52that Dick Cheney was going to be the vice president candidate,
16:56they purposely went back to the heartland home of his,
17:00back to Casper, Wyoming,
17:02the only town whiter than the ghost itself.
17:05And they went back to Dick Cheney's high school,
17:11where he'd been the captain of the football team.
17:13And, folks, this is when I knew I would never be mainstream.
17:17Because, obviously, this shit works on people,
17:19but, I mean, I would never go back to my high school.
17:22I hated my high school.
17:25I hated the captain of the football team.
17:28I wish we had school shootings when I was in high school.
17:31These lucky kids today.
17:35I would have loved to have picked up a gun
17:36and shot a bunch of kids in my high school,
17:38these spoiled bastards.
17:42Anyway, there's Dick Cheney, back at his high school,
17:45captain of the football team.
17:46And then the piece de resistance,
17:48they bring out his wife,
17:50who, of course, had been his high school sweetheart.
17:53And, again, this so doesn't work on me
17:57that you married the first chick to give you a handjob.
18:01You know, that's...
18:03Oh, I kid, Dick Cheney,
18:13but here's a plan to save the government money.
18:16It involves moving the White House to the Cayman Islands.
18:21How's that for wartime loyalty, huh?
18:23These Fortune 500 companies who move offshore.
18:27Of course, they don't really move offshore.
18:29That's the scam.
18:30Enron isn't really headquartered in the Bahamas.
18:32It's a phone and a monkey.
18:35And a mailbox to collect their dirty, bloody money.
18:39Plus, how stupid are these companies, you know?
18:41The money gets to live in the Caribbean.
18:44They stay in Newark.
18:46What?
18:47It's so easy to say anything.
18:50The one that's easy to say now is,
18:53I support the troops.
18:54Doesn't cost you anything.
18:56I support the troops.
18:58But I got a question for you.
18:59Can you really support the troops?
19:01If you also support these massive tax cuts for the very rich?
19:06Because, you know, the people we say are our heroes
19:08are paid by tax dollars.
19:11And we hear about teachers have to buy their own school supplies.
19:16Soldiers in this country are on food stamps.
19:18Firemen?
19:20Well, firemen get laid so easily, now fuck them.
19:23But anyway...
19:24But, I mean, couldn't somebody in Congress stand up and say,
19:29why don't we take half of that big tax cut
19:31and give it to our heroes?
19:33Or is that why they're our heroes?
19:35Because they work cheap.
19:36It's okay.
19:46Applause costs you nothing.
19:49But think about that next time you see George Bush
19:51hugging a bunch of military guys.
19:53And look, I'm not going to rag on Bush all night.
19:55Look, I will tell you this.
19:56I will give George Bush credit for this.
19:59He is working a lot harder than he thought he'd have to.
20:01No more homeschooling for that boy.
20:11He is going to class.
20:13But spare me this nonsense I have heard so often
20:16about how, oh, we dodged a bullet
20:18when Bush pulled out the election
20:20and then 9-1-1 happened
20:21because, you know, if Al Gore had been president,
20:25what, we'd be reading the Koran now?
20:27Is that it?
20:28Like George Bush is the only one
20:30who could have pointed to Afghanistan on a map
20:32and said, destroy that.
20:36I'm sorry, George Bush pointing out a country on a map?
20:42Oh, I didn't know what I was thinking.
20:47No, no.
20:48Rumsfeld does the pointing.
20:52See, I love him.
20:53Rumsfeld, because he's so politically incorrect.
20:55How could I not love him?
20:57And what I love about him also
20:58is that he makes no effort
21:00to ever be reassuring.
21:04You notice that?
21:05He says things like,
21:06I don't think they could get a nuclear bomb in there,
21:08but, yeah, maybe.
21:11What the hell is that?
21:16Oh, and people say he's Neanderthal
21:18and crude and macho.
21:20You know what?
21:20If we're going to let just one guy in America
21:23not have to be a pussy,
21:24I say it's the Secretary of Defense.
21:26How about that?
21:34However,
21:35the Rumsfelds of the world,
21:37they do need to be watched.
21:38So do the Ashcrofts
21:40and the Bushes
21:41and a lot of other people.
21:41And I think where the citizens of this country,
21:44where we let ourselves down,
21:46is that after the attacks,
21:48just when we should have been paying more attention,
21:50I think we paid less attention.
21:53Because thinking about icky things
21:55like war and terrorism
21:57would cause stress.
22:00And then they'd win.
22:07And the President fed right into that.
22:10He did not lead on this.
22:11He had about a window of opportunity
22:13of about two months
22:14where he could have asked us to do anything.
22:15And what did he say?
22:16Keep shopping.
22:17Spend money.
22:19Take your wife to dinner.
22:20Go see cats again.
22:24Shop till they drop, girlfriend.
22:28Which is not to say
22:29that we wouldn't have done more.
22:31Because I think we would.
22:32We are an industrious people.
22:35But, you know,
22:36we're also a people
22:36if we can get out of work,
22:38we do.
22:40This was brought home to me
22:42about a year ago
22:43when there was breaking news
22:45from rural Georgia.
22:47Do you remember this story?
22:48They found all these bodies
22:49behind this crematorium
22:50in Georgia.
22:51And when I first heard of it,
22:52I thought,
22:53ooh, this is some sort of
22:54nefarious cult.
22:56No, just lazy.
22:58Just letting work pile up
23:02as many of us do.
23:06It was like the
23:07I Love Lucy episode
23:08with the chocolates coming down,
23:10the conveyor belt.
23:11You know,
23:11the guy just couldn't
23:12keep up with the volume.
23:17Plus,
23:18you're talking about
23:18rural Georgia,
23:19so it was confusing
23:20because a guy would come in
23:21asking for his wife
23:22and his sister.
23:23Is that one body or two?
23:24You know,
23:25that...
23:25A lot of people
23:32from rural Georgia
23:33here on Broadway.
23:34That happens on Broadway.
23:35I...
23:35Sorry.
23:37Sorry to offend you.
23:39I was just trying
23:40to make the point
23:41that families
23:42are allowed to be different.
23:46Well, we were told that
23:48after 9-1-1.
23:49That's what the government said.
23:51You know,
23:51that this was not
23:52a clash of civilizations.
23:54Osama bin Laden,
23:55for example,
23:56do you know this?
23:56is the 17th
23:57of 55 children?
24:01It's always the middle 20
24:03that give you the problems.
24:04Is that right?
24:07But this is not
24:09a clash of civilizations.
24:11Yeah,
24:11we have two,
24:12three kids.
24:13You have 55.
24:16We like to have
24:17our women in the workplace.
24:19You keep yours
24:20in beekeeper suits.
24:21What is up
24:27with the beekeeper suits?
24:30I mean,
24:30can you imagine
24:31if some white country
24:32kept its black people
24:34in beekeeper suits?
24:36There'd be a riot
24:37at the U.N.
24:38Jesse Jackson's head
24:39would explode.
24:41Al Sharpton
24:42would call a press conference.
24:49But I mean,
24:50how do you get away?
24:56How does a country
24:56get away
24:57with keeping
24:57half its population
24:59in beekeeper suits?
25:02I'll tell you how.
25:03They say the magic word.
25:06Religion.
25:07It's their religion.
25:08You say religion,
25:09you can get away
25:10with anything.
25:11The Catholics
25:11got away with fucking kids
25:13for crying out loud.
25:15Oh, you're right.
25:16I made that up.
25:17I'm sorry.
25:18You're right.
25:18I pulled that right
25:19out of my ass.
25:20That has not been
25:21in the paper a lot.
25:24Excuse me.
25:25They had to have
25:26a conference
25:26to decide
25:27if they should
25:27continue to fuck kids.
25:31They did.
25:32That guy made a speech.
25:33He said,
25:33look,
25:33we've had a good long run.
25:37But, uh,
25:38it's become something
25:39of a meat market
25:40around here.
25:41And put a little more
25:42lotion on Father Tom,
25:44Billy.
25:44Come on.
25:49Look,
25:50all you need to know
25:51about the fact
25:52that this is
25:53a clash of civilizations
25:54is the beekeeper suit,
25:56that burka.
25:57The fact of the way
25:58we treat our women
25:59so differently.
26:00I mean,
26:00in our society,
26:01we try to get women
26:02to undress
26:03as much as possible.
26:05We like to be teased.
26:07Whereas their view is,
26:09if I can't have the pussy,
26:10I don't want to see it.
26:10That is too painful.
26:13Just throw a tarp on that
26:14because I'll be thinking
26:17about that all day.
26:22You know,
26:23whereas in this country,
26:24women wear these jeans
26:26that are cut.
26:27That had to be
26:28the last straw
26:28for bin Laden.
26:29When those jeans,
26:29that was like,
26:30you push my buttons
26:31on that.
26:33Because, you know,
26:34it's like a woman
26:34walks into a place
26:35and it's like,
26:36hi,
26:37you don't even know
26:37my name.
26:38You're one inch
26:39from pussy.
26:40What do you think
26:40about that?
26:42Haven't even met me.
26:43You are one inch
26:44from pussy.
26:46We haven't said hello.
26:49You're on the one-yard line.
26:50The game has not begun.
26:54It's amazing.
26:58But I tell you,
26:59you know who I feel
27:00sorry for in America
27:01is whores.
27:05Because what can
27:06a whore wear
27:07anymore?
27:10You know...
27:11What can a whore wear
27:20to signal
27:21the prospective customer,
27:23no, I'm a real whore.
27:24I'm selling this thing.
27:27I'm not on my way
27:28to an award show.
27:29I'm a whore.
27:30A real whore.
27:31But, you know,
27:37we're all whores.
27:38You do know that, right?
27:39That's what Jerry Falwell
27:41and Pat Robertson
27:42said after 9-1-1.
27:44They said,
27:44God,
27:45let it happen
27:46because we're wicked,
27:48because we're abortionists
27:49and homosexuals
27:50and adulterers,
27:51so God,
27:52let it happen.
27:53Which I don't agree with,
27:54but it cleared something up
27:55for me because I've always
27:56wondered, right?
27:56What's the nature of God?
27:58And now I know.
28:00He's a prick.
28:01No.
28:02He let it happen.
28:04A prick.
28:04Wow.
28:07Interesting.
28:08I had heard good things,
28:09but apparently not.
28:12Are there any Christian
28:13fundamentalists here tonight?
28:16No?
28:17Because, you know,
28:17I have been defending
28:18the Christian fundamentalists
28:20because it really bothers me
28:21when people compare
28:22their fundamentalists
28:24with ours.
28:25I hear it all the time.
28:26You know,
28:26we have extremists too.
28:28Yeah,
28:29but this is a great country,
28:30because ours are just funny.
28:35The worst ours can do
28:37is, like,
28:37you know,
28:38identify the gay Teletubby.
28:41That's like,
28:43it's purple.
28:44It's purple.
28:44You're...
28:45Purple, gay, hello?
28:47Your kids are seeing a gay...
28:48You know,
28:52whereas in Saudi Arabia,
28:55you know,
28:55our ally...
29:00In Saudi Arabia,
29:01on Friday nights,
29:02they have beheadings
29:04for such crimes
29:05as homosexuality,
29:06or adultery,
29:07or being an infidel,
29:08or not rewinding,
29:10or whatever.
29:10So, yes,
29:13Jerry Falwell
29:14and Pat Robertson
29:15are morons
29:15who think homosexuals
29:17are going to burn in hell,
29:18but they're not suggesting
29:19that we go over
29:20to Richard Simmons' house
29:21and cut off his head.
29:24I'm suggesting it.
29:25In fact,
29:30I'm insisting on it.
29:31No.
29:34Now,
29:34I think Western civilization
29:36is more enlightened
29:37precisely because
29:39we have learned
29:40how to ignore
29:41our religious leaders.
29:44You know,
29:44every religious leader
29:45says things,
29:47you know,
29:47when one of their ayatollahs
29:48issues a falafel,
29:50they do it.
29:53We don't follow it.
29:54I mean,
29:54the Pope says
29:55a lot of things.
29:56No premarital sex.
29:58Thank you very much.
30:01Charming.
30:02You are a charmer.
30:04Hey, kids,
30:05get in here.
30:05Look,
30:06it's the Pope.
30:07Oh,
30:08it's like seeing
30:08an albino tiger
30:10in the wild.
30:11How much longer
30:12are you able
30:12to see that?
30:13The Pope.
30:15No masturbation.
30:17He's doing
30:17all his greatest hits.
30:19Look at that.
30:22You're a fabulous
30:23Catholic celebrity.
30:24Now go back
30:25to the castle.
30:28Sometimes people
30:29say to me,
30:30Bill,
30:30you're prejudiced
30:31against the Muslims.
30:33No.
30:34I promise you
30:34I am not.
30:35Prejudice
30:36comes from
30:37pre-judge.
30:38I am not
30:39pre-judging.
30:40I am judging.
30:42Yes,
30:43I am judging
30:44that if your
30:44TGIF
30:45is beheadings
30:46and getting stoned
30:50in your country
30:51is a bad thing,
30:53then yes,
30:54you're bringing up
30:55the rear civilization-wise.
30:56You need an enlightenment.
30:57You need a reformation.
30:58You need something.
30:59I don't feel bad
31:00for those 300 killers
31:01we got down
31:02in Guantanamo Bay
31:03always crabbing
31:04about how we don't
31:05respect their
31:06religious practices.
31:07You know what?
31:08You're lost.
31:09Eat what we eat.
31:10Here's a cheese-filled
31:11snausage.
31:12Enjoy.
31:13Enjoy.
31:18You don't like that?
31:19Just eat the bun.
31:20You don't like that?
31:20Don't eat anything.
31:21You won't be missed.
31:23I would also say
31:25to them
31:25that if we ever find
31:27the body
31:27of a suicide attacker,
31:29we will bury it
31:30wrong.
31:32Wrong.
31:32With a hooker
31:33and a bottle
31:34of Jack Daniels.
31:42Facing Barneys.
31:46That's the worst.
31:47But you have to understand,
31:51you have to embrace
31:52the values
31:53of Western civilization.
31:55They're not just different.
31:56They are better.
31:57Okay?
31:58I know a whole generation
31:59has been raised
32:00on the notion
32:00of multiculturalism.
32:02That all civilizations
32:03are just different.
32:05No.
32:06Not always.
32:06Sometimes things
32:07are better.
32:08Rule of law
32:09is better
32:10than autocracy
32:11and theocracy.
32:12Equality of the sexes.
32:14Better.
32:14Protection of minorities.
32:16Better.
32:16Free sex.
32:17Speech.
32:17Better.
32:18Free elections.
32:19Better.
32:19Free appliances
32:20with large purchases.
32:22Better.
32:34Don't get so tolerant
32:35that you tolerate intolerance.
32:38Remember what happened
32:39to Salman Rushdie?
32:40He wrote a book.
32:41It got mixed reviews.
32:45Some people liked it.
32:46Some people wanted
32:47his head on a stick.
32:48No one should have to die
32:50for writing a book.
32:51With the exception
32:52of the bridges
32:53of Madison County.
32:54I will...
32:54But look,
32:59I will always defend
33:00the West,
33:01our way of life,
33:02but I sure understand
33:03why people hate us
33:05around the world.
33:06And that's not just Arabs
33:07and not just Muslims.
33:08Lots of people hate us
33:09and they're not all wrong.
33:10I'll give you an example
33:11just from our own hemisphere.
33:13Do you know what
33:14Plan Columbia is?
33:16Well, you get the first
33:1812 CDs for a penny.
33:22Now, Plan Columbia
33:23is a massive defoliation program
33:26that we have going
33:27that our military is conducting
33:28in the country of Columbia
33:30that is ruining their countryside.
33:32Why are we doing it?
33:34Because there are some plants
33:35down there that are evil.
33:36How do we know
33:38they're evil?
33:39Well, they don't have
33:40Bristol-Myers Squibb,
33:41Eli Lilly, or Pfizer
33:42written on them.
33:48So...
33:49And by the way,
33:52if cocaine gave you an erection
33:54instead of took one away,
33:55not only would it be legal,
33:57but Bob Dole
33:58would do ads for it.
34:03We do give the world
34:04the impression
34:05that we think
34:05American lives
34:07are more valuable
34:08than anybody else's lives,
34:09which is odd
34:10because we're supposed
34:10to be a religious people.
34:12And I thought God
34:13made humans
34:13and not Americans,
34:15but I didn't even know
34:16he was a prick.
34:19I think people hate us
34:20around the world
34:21because they perceive
34:22that we waste
34:23when we could share,
34:24and they're not
34:25totally wrong about that.
34:26We are gluttonous.
34:28We shop with forklifts.
34:32We eat giant food
34:34off of giant plates.
34:35We have a holiday
34:37where we stuff food
34:38into other food.
34:42I mean...
34:44Thanksgiving is really typical
34:50of how we think
34:51about third world
34:51indigenous people.
34:52We celebrate
34:53the one nice moment
34:55we ever had
34:55with the Indians.
34:57It would be like
34:58a date rapist saying,
34:59let's concentrate
35:00on the nice dinner
35:00we had early
35:01in the evening.
35:07Yeah.
35:08I'm not...
35:09You know,
35:15if you're an American
35:16and you're born
35:17at this time
35:17of the history
35:18especially,
35:19you're lucky.
35:20We all are.
35:21We won the world history
35:22Powerball lottery.
35:24But a little modesty
35:25about it
35:26might keep the heat
35:27off of this,
35:27you know?
35:28I can't take people
35:29who say things like,
35:30we built this country.
35:31You built nothing.
35:34I think the railroads
35:35were pretty much up
35:36by 1980.
35:40These are the same people
35:42who always get all uppity
35:43about immigration.
35:44They're taking
35:45American jobs.
35:47You're right.
35:48Like you'd stand
35:48on the freeway
35:49and sell oranges
35:50out of a bag.
35:51These poor people
35:57swim through
35:58a river of sludge
35:59to get here
36:00to park our cars,
36:02pick our fruit,
36:03blow our leaves.
36:04They do all the jobs
36:05nobody else wants
36:06to do
36:07like landscaping
36:08and impregnating Madonna.
36:14And what do people say?
36:16Keep them out.
36:17Build a wall,
36:18which is a dumb idea.
36:19Walls never work.
36:20The one they're building
36:21in Israel isn't going
36:22to work.
36:23The Berlin Wall
36:24didn't work.
36:24The Great Wall of China
36:25didn't work.
36:26That invisible space
36:27diaphragm
36:28that we're putting up there.
36:30Although that one,
36:31I must say,
36:32when I read recently
36:33that the North Korean guy,
36:36Lil' Kim,
36:39you know,
36:40the guy,
36:40when I read
36:42that he had missiles
36:43that could reach
36:43Los Angeles,
36:44I was like,
36:45what is the delay
36:45with the space shield,
36:46please?
36:48Could we get
36:48the magic umbrella
36:49up and working?
36:50Because, you see,
36:54danger focuses the mind.
36:56I don't know why
36:57that hasn't worked
36:58better here already.
36:59Like, especially
36:59at the airport,
37:00you'd think that would
37:01be the one place
37:02where it would have
37:02worked better.
37:03And people say,
37:04oh, things have gotten
37:05better at the airport.
37:07Really?
37:08No, they've gotten
37:09whiter.
37:10It looks to me
37:11like they just fired
37:11all the black people
37:12and hired white people.
37:13I don't know why,
37:14but it used to be
37:15Shaniqua with the
37:16eight-inch fingernails
37:16going through my bag.
37:19And now it's a white
37:20guy named Roy.
37:21But white, black,
37:24they're still using
37:24the same method.
37:26Random.
37:28Random.
37:29Al Gore, famously,
37:31was pulled out of line.
37:33Al Gore.
37:34Now, come on.
37:35He's two electoral votes
37:36for being president,
37:37but he's the terrorist?
37:38At least that's how
37:41they reported it
37:42on Fox News.
37:43But, uh...
37:44But, come on.
37:50We really need
37:51to search Al Gore,
37:53and they gave him
37:53the full search,
37:54including the anal
37:55cavity search,
37:56and they found his head.
37:58Oh.
38:00Oh.
38:04You know what?
38:04You gotta get over that.
38:05Al Gore lost that election
38:07all by himself
38:08by maintaining
38:09his pledge
38:09to end charisma
38:10as we know it.
38:13You gotta get over
38:14Florida, Democrats.
38:15Seriously,
38:15the Republicans
38:16did not steal
38:17that election.
38:19It did fall off
38:20a truck.
38:23But they didn't
38:23exactly steal it.
38:26But, no,
38:26I mean, come on.
38:27At the airports,
38:28it was over a year
38:29after 9-1-1
38:30when people
38:31at the airport,
38:32the authorities,
38:33were still using
38:33the honor system.
38:34Remember we still
38:35had to answer
38:35those two brilliant
38:36questions?
38:37Did you pack
38:38your own bags?
38:41No,
38:41Allah packed my bags.
38:45What,
38:45bad answer?
38:49You know,
38:50we still have to show
38:51our ID
38:52three times,
38:53that's the key,
38:54three times
38:55before you get
38:56on the plane
38:56because who could
38:57ever have a fake
38:57ID?
38:59Bush's daughters
39:00had a fake ID.
39:04Come on.
39:08ID.
39:09Like it's gonna say,
39:09Carlos the Jackal.
39:11Right on it.
39:11Mr. the Jackal,
39:12please step out of line.
39:13The first thing
39:16they did at LAX
39:17after the attack
39:18to calm
39:19everybody's nerves
39:20was they put out
39:21a decree,
39:22no more curbside
39:24drop-offs
39:24except
39:25by licensed
39:27people.
39:28Only licensed
39:29taxis
39:30and limousines.
39:32All of which,
39:32of course,
39:33are driven by people
39:34from Afghanistan,
39:35Pakistan,
39:36fuck you,
39:36Stan,
39:37we hate you,
39:37Stan,
39:38shoving up your ass,
39:39Stan.
39:39You know,
39:42if that Republican
39:43slogan machine
39:44could just come up
39:44with a better name
39:45than profiling,
39:47if they would just
39:47call it
39:48proactive
39:48intelligence screening,
39:50people would go,
39:51it's about time
39:52we had a little
39:52of that around here.
39:55Because, you know,
39:56it's good to be
39:56colorblind
39:57and it's good
39:58to be ethnic blind
40:00and it's good
40:00to be religious blind,
40:02but at the end
40:03of the day,
40:03blind does mean
40:05you can't see.
40:07And if you can't see,
40:09how are you going
40:09to tell what color
40:10it is on the
40:11terrorist threat
40:12advisory chart?
40:14Because, you know,
40:15I go by that thing.
40:17Don't you?
40:18Because, you know,
40:18like when it's yellow,
40:19I'm pretty normal.
40:21You know,
40:21I'm just, you know,
40:22maybe, maybe I look
40:23around every four
40:24or five.
40:25But when it's orange,
40:27I, what,
40:28take a sweater?
40:29I mean, what,
40:30what is the plan here?
40:39Now, you know
40:43that we are not serious
40:45about winning
40:45the terror war
40:46for one simple reason,
40:48because we still
40:49have a drug war.
40:50I think it's very telling
40:52that the last airport
40:53incident I heard about
40:54before 9-1-1
40:55was when Aaron Sorkin,
40:57the brilliant writer-producer
40:58of the West Wing,
40:59got caught
40:59trying to take mushrooms
41:01to Las Vegas.
41:03Ooh, when I heard that,
41:04I said,
41:05what a great idea.
41:09No wonder why
41:10this guy wins
41:10the Emmy every year.
41:11That's a brilliant way
41:13to make that town bearable.
41:14But,
41:15but thank God
41:23they got them, huh?
41:23Because, you know,
41:24if we start letting
41:25creative people
41:26take funny mushrooms
41:27to resort cities,
41:29what,
41:30what would happen?
41:31Please tell me.
41:32Take me down
41:33that slippery slope
41:34from Aaron Sorkin
41:35with his mushrooms
41:36to your kid
41:37turning tricks behind
41:38a dumpster
41:39to make a fix.
41:40Take me on that journey
41:42and I will get behind
41:43the drug war.
41:45The police report
41:46said that Mr. Sorkin's
41:47judgment
41:48was impaired
41:49getting on the plane.
41:51I hope so.
41:53Isn't that what
41:54we're trying for?
41:55I mean,
41:55is he driving the plane?
41:57Because,
41:57if not,
41:58why do we need judgment
41:59on the plane?
42:01Peanuts,
42:01trail mix,
42:02I,
42:02I don't know.
42:04I can't decide.
42:07Four bucks
42:08for the Sandra Bullock
42:09movie?
42:11My mind is cloudy.
42:16Judgment impaired
42:17going to Las Vegas,
42:19a town built
42:21on impairing
42:21people's judgment.
42:24Have you ever been
42:24to a casino?
42:25There's no clocks,
42:26there's no oxygen,
42:27they're plying you
42:28with liquor,
42:29you need a police dog
42:30just to find
42:31your way out.
42:32But don't get
42:33fucked up on the way.
42:35Let the professionals
42:36fuck you up.
42:39That's...
42:39Which...
42:44Which is,
42:48by the way,
42:49the official drug policy
42:50of the United States government.
42:51I'm not kidding,
42:52that is our drug policy.
42:53Let the professionals
42:55fuck you up.
42:56It's not like we don't
42:56have drugs in this country,
42:57we've got a million drugs.
42:59Let the professionals
43:00do it, though.
43:01Why is marijuana,
43:02the one drug
43:03that never killed anybody,
43:05somehow on the illegal
43:06side of the divide?
43:07Why does every administration,
43:09Democrat, Republican,
43:10take the same stupid dodge
43:12about,
43:12we need to do more study?
43:14Yeah, they all study it.
43:15You know what they found?
43:16It makes you eat cookie dough.
43:18I think the drugs
43:25that are a lot scarier
43:26are the ones they advertise
43:27on the 6.30 evening news.
43:30Those...
43:31I mean,
43:36they advertise
43:38these prescription drugs
43:39that,
43:40I damned if I know
43:41what the problem is,
43:43what the cure is,
43:45it's just vaguely happy people.
43:47Just,
43:48there's a woman
43:49in a wheat field.
43:54She's just very happy
43:55about wheat.
43:56I don't,
43:56you know,
43:57there's...
43:57There's one with a guy
43:59dancing on a melting clock.
44:01I'm not kidding.
44:02He's dancing
44:02on a melting clock.
44:05You may not need.
44:06I don't care about need.
44:07I want that one,
44:08okay?
44:08That's...
44:08That's just past need.
44:11Tell your doctor.
44:13Tell your doctor?
44:17Shouldn't your doctor
44:18tell you
44:19what drugs you need?
44:21When you tell your doctor,
44:23isn't he just a dealer
44:24at that point?
44:25I don't know.
44:38It's funny.
44:39In America,
44:39half the people
44:40in this country
44:41think that drugs
44:42is what you have to regulate
44:44to make us safer
44:44and half the people
44:45think guns.
44:46That's what you gotta regulate
44:47to make us safer.
44:48But I always think
44:49if you're gonna regulate
44:49one thing
44:50that has the most potential
44:52to cause death
44:53and destruction,
44:55religion.
44:55You gotta start
44:56with religion and...
44:58I'm not...
44:58I don't say this
45:01out of bitterness.
45:02Look,
45:02I was raised Catholic,
45:04but, you know,
45:04I was never molested
45:05and I'm a little insulted.
45:08Quite frankly,
45:09I, uh...
45:10I guess they didn't
45:11find me attractive,
45:12but, uh,
45:13I was attractive
45:14and it's their loss.
45:18I really understand
45:20how this nightmare
45:21of clerical pedophilia
45:22could have happened
45:23because if you're a priest
45:24and you spend your whole life
45:25spewing this nonsense
45:27about the snake
45:28and the whale
45:29and the apple
45:30and the rib,
45:31it's like,
45:31oh, fuck it,
45:32just blow me, kid.
45:35What the fuck?
45:36It's...
45:37What?
45:37Just...
45:38Also,
45:42what is so hard
45:43about just saying
45:44the words
45:45I don't know?
45:48I don't know.
45:49Of course,
45:50there are questions
45:51that plague all of us.
45:52How did we get here?
45:54What happens when we die?
45:56Is there a heaven?
45:57Am I on the list?
45:59Who let the dogs out?
46:01Yes.
46:03But why would you believe
46:05what some other human being
46:06whose brain,
46:07I promise you,
46:08is no bigger
46:09or better than yours,
46:10when he tells you
46:10he knows what happens
46:12when you die?
46:13Don't masturbate now.
46:15You won't get to hang out
46:16with Jesus in heaven.
46:17How do I know?
46:18I've got a pointy hat.
46:22I've got a hat
46:23and a robe
46:23and I have smoke
46:24and a wand.
46:25It's so gay.
46:26The whole church is just...
46:28Could they just come out
46:29of the closet, really?
46:30I mean,
46:31it's just...
46:32So, you know,
46:33every Sunday
46:34it's such a pageant
46:35with the costumes
46:36and the wands
46:38and the goblets
46:38and the smoke
46:39and the kneeling down
46:40in front of another man
46:41with your mouth open.
46:44Nothing gay about that.
46:46No.
46:47Nothing gay there.
46:49So,
46:54are our religions corrupt?
46:58Yes, of course they are.
46:59But once again,
46:59I have to say,
47:01their religions,
47:02even worse.
47:03Even worse.
47:03I mean,
47:03that thing about
47:04the 72 virgins,
47:06that's the lowest.
47:07Promising pussy
47:08in the afterlife
47:09is the lowest thing
47:10I've ever heard
47:11in my life.
47:12I mean,
47:16I am no Christian,
47:17but I do think
47:18Jesus is a fantastic
47:19role model
47:20and the reason he is
47:21is because he never
47:22said anything like,
47:24blessed are the meek,
47:25for they shall get laid.
47:30Also, by the way,
47:3272 virgins
47:33is very suspicious to me.
47:34It's a clue.
47:35It tells you
47:36we're dealing with people
47:37from a bartering culture.
47:40Because nobody starts
47:41with that number.
47:42Somebody said,
47:43100 virgins,
47:4350,
47:4485,
47:4569,
47:4679,
47:4771,
47:4873,
47:4872,
47:49done.
47:51That's how you got 72.
47:55Yes.
47:57We are dealing with people
47:59from the Middle East.
48:01Arabs and Jews
48:02who have a lot more in common
48:03than they would like to admit.
48:04And one of the things
48:05they have in common
48:06is that they're from
48:07the Middle East,
48:09which was called that
48:10because it's in the middle.
48:12Because everything
48:13that went from Europe
48:14to Asia
48:15always through,
48:16the commerce
48:16always had to go through
48:17the middle.
48:20That's why Columbus
48:21was looking for another way.
48:25And people said to him,
48:26Chris,
48:27if you take this journey,
48:28you're going to die.
48:30And he said,
48:32I would rather sail off
48:33the edge
48:34of the fucking world
48:35and deal with those people
48:37one more day.
48:44Have you been to the mall?
48:49But people from the Middle East,
48:51they are good with money.
48:52That is in their history.
48:53It is in their heritage.
48:55Terrorists are very good
48:57with money for that reason.
48:58They're brilliant
48:58at laundering money.
49:00It's the one thing
49:00they do launder.
49:05Oh, Bill.
49:07Don't make fun of the people
49:08who attack this.
49:10No, it's true.
49:11They know how to move things
49:12through untraceable items,
49:14including,
49:14and I know women
49:15hate to hear this,
49:16diamonds.
49:16A good way to fight terrorism?
49:18Don't buy diamonds
49:19because they move
49:20stuff through diamonds.
49:21I know women
49:25hate to hear that
49:26because women think
49:26about diamonds
49:27the way men think
49:28about sex,
49:29the way leeches
49:30think about blood.
49:33But diamonds
49:34have a lot of blood on them,
49:35even without
49:35the terrorist connection.
49:36Take that away,
49:37they have a lot of blood on them
49:38because diamonds
49:39are mined in Africa
49:41by rebel armies,
49:42and the rebel armies
49:43control the territory
49:44and make the villagers
49:45mine the diamonds
49:46and they control them
49:47through terror,
49:49through such lovely things
49:50as cutting off the arms
49:51of the little children,
49:53something you never see
49:54in the De Beers commercials.
49:56Now, I told this
49:57to a woman recently
49:58who was only about
49:58the nicest person
49:59I've ever met,
50:01but she is a woman.
50:02And I told her
50:03about Africa
50:04and the armies
50:05and the rebels
50:05and the terror
50:06and the cutting off
50:07the arms
50:08of the little children,
50:09and she looked up at me
50:10with a little sad face
50:11and said,
50:12both arms?
50:14I swear to God,
50:17that's a true story.
50:20Now, I know
50:21it's the national law
50:22here in America
50:22that women are more
50:23evolved than men,
50:24but if that's true,
50:25how come they're still
50:26so impressed
50:26by shiny objects?
50:29I'm just asking.
50:30I'm just asking.
50:32Please,
50:33it is not anti-woman
50:34just to talk about women,
50:36okay?
50:36And we're going
50:37to do it now.
50:39Because when I say
50:40this is a feminized country,
50:42first of all,
50:42understand that I get it
50:44that there are millions
50:45and millions of women
50:46who are steely-eyed realists
50:48and millions and millions
50:49of men
50:50who are anything but.
50:51However,
50:52for lack of a better term,
50:54I would say
50:55that the feminine values
50:56are now the values
50:58of America.
50:59Sensitivity
51:00is more important
51:01than truth.
51:03Feelings
51:03are more important
51:04than facts.
51:05Commitment
51:06is more important
51:07than individuality.
51:09Children
51:09are more important
51:10than people.
51:11safety
51:12is more important
51:13than fun.
51:15I always hear women say,
51:16you know,
51:16married men
51:17live longer.
51:18Uh,
51:19yes,
51:19and an indoor cat
51:21also
51:23lives longer.
51:29It's a furball
51:30with a broken spirit
51:31that can only
51:31look out
51:33on a world
51:33it will never enjoy,
51:35but it does
51:35technically live longer.
51:36See,
51:41this is very personal
51:42to me
51:42because
51:43I'm like the last
51:44of my guy friends
51:45who have never
51:46gotten married
51:46and their wives,
51:48they don't want them
51:48playing with me.
51:49You know,
51:50I'm like the escaped slave.
51:52I bring news
51:53of freedom.
51:54You know,
51:54it's not a good thing
51:56to have me around,
51:57you know.
51:58Keep the husbands
51:59in the dark.
51:59They're happier that way.
52:00Okay.
52:03So I know women
52:04don't have it easy
52:05in America,
52:06but it is sort of
52:06politically incorrect
52:08just to be male
52:09in this country now.
52:11I mean,
52:11look at television,
52:12look at any sitcom.
52:13The wife
52:14is always brilliant
52:15and ethereal
52:16and right about everything,
52:18and the husband
52:18is always a dumb fuck
52:20lucky to have found her.
52:22The only smart men
52:24on television
52:25are Frasier
52:26and his brother,
52:27both of whom
52:27are gayer
52:28than Little Richard's
52:29underpants.
52:32So,
52:32I understand
52:35that women suffer,
52:37but I don't think
52:38it's as much publicized
52:39that a lot of men
52:40in America
52:41are living lives
52:43of quiet desperation,
52:45lobotomized
52:46of their libido,
52:47anesthetizing themselves
52:49with sports
52:50and pornography,
52:51and living
52:52in an Orwellian world
52:53where we have
52:53to pretend
52:54to concur
52:56with the woman's
52:57point of view.
52:58On any TV show
52:59in America,
53:00if somebody got up there
53:01and said,
53:01you know,
53:02women are smarter
53:02than men,
53:03automatic round of applause.
53:05If somebody said,
53:06men are smarter
53:06than women,
53:07you'd be booed
53:07off the stage.
53:08I mean,
53:08what does that tell you
53:09about our culture
53:10that we have to pretend
53:11that one sex
53:13is smarter
53:13than the other?
53:15Women are smarter
53:15than men.
53:17If women ran the world,
53:19there'd be no wars.
53:21Being pregnant
53:22is sexy.
53:24You know,
53:24just a whole roster
53:27of things
53:27that we don't really believe,
53:29but we pretend
53:29to believe
53:31because it's easier
53:31to make women nod
53:33than to live
53:33in the doghouse.
53:36I heard one
53:37on daytime TV
53:38the other day.
53:38Only a woman
53:39could have said this,
53:40and of course,
53:41everyone pretended
53:41it was true.
53:43She said,
53:43a couple should explore
53:44their mutual fantasies.
53:49There are no such things
53:50as mutual fantasies.
53:54Yours bore us,
53:55ours offend you.
54:00Trust me.
54:06Ladies, trust me,
54:07there is no fantasy
54:08where a handsome prince
54:09runs to you
54:11across a meadow
54:11and takes you
54:12in his arms
54:13and pledges
54:14his undying love
54:15and then comes
54:16on your face.
54:17Okay?
54:18That would be
54:21a mutual fantasy
54:23if you've ever
54:24seen a porn movie.
54:32But I think men
54:33are just tired
54:34of apologizing
54:35for being men,
54:36and I think women
54:37would be a lot happier
54:38if you'd stop
54:39making us apologize
54:40for it.
54:41You'd save yourselves
54:42a lot of wear and tear.
54:43For one thing,
54:44give you one example,
54:45no woman in America
54:46would ever get
54:46breast implants,
54:47because if you really
54:48got inside
54:49the man's mind,
54:50you'd understand
54:50that it's never
54:52about big or little
54:53or short or tall
54:54or blonde or brunette.
54:56It's only about
54:58old and new.
55:04Hugh Grant
55:05had Elizabeth Hurley
55:06at home.
55:07He wanted
55:07Marvin Hagler
55:08in a wig.
55:09You cannot reform
55:18biology.
55:20And by the way,
55:21the male impetus
55:22to spread our seed
55:24is why we are
55:25a successful species.
55:26That is why
55:26we're sitting here
55:27right now.
55:28But do we get
55:28thanks for it?
55:29No, we get impeached.
55:30Hey, you know what?
55:37That whole election
55:38was a feminized issue
55:39because that 2000 election
55:40was all about
55:41the Republican
55:42marketing machine.
55:44They were able
55:44to morph monogamy
55:46into integrity,
55:48the same way
55:48they morphed
55:49Bin Laden
55:49into Hussein.
55:51I mean,
55:51Bush's whole campaign
55:52was, oh,
55:53we're going to be
55:53restoring integrity.
55:55Well, excuse me,
55:56but the Bush family,
55:57especially when they're
55:58running for the White House,
55:59has no more integrity
56:00than anybody else.
56:02They do what they have to
56:03to win like everybody else.
56:05Maybe they don't have less,
56:05but they don't have more.
56:07The difference is
56:08they fuck their wives.
56:11And that's what he ran on.
56:12I fuck my wife!
56:15I'm a wife fucker.
56:16I have integrity.
56:17I fuck my wife!
56:19Unlike a certain president
56:20I could name.
56:22And his vice president
56:24who was there
56:25was there.
56:26They make it sound like
56:27Al Gore was holding
56:28Monica's hair,
56:29you know?
56:30Come on, babe.
56:33Come on, honey.
56:36Finish up.
56:37I got Arafat waiting
56:38in the rose garden here, babe.
56:41I mean, come on.
56:42The Star Report
56:44was a marketing document.
56:47It had nothing to do
56:48with the law
56:48and everything to do
56:50with making sure
56:51everybody knew
56:52all the lurid little details,
56:54like that one of their
56:56trysts took place
56:58on Easter.
57:01That's right.
57:02The president
57:03had his dick
57:04in a Jew's mouth
57:06on Easter.
57:10Run against that,
57:11motherfucker.
57:12And Al Gore took the bait.
57:17That's why Al Gore
57:19tried to prove
57:20that he loved
57:20his wife even more.
57:21Remember he kissed her
57:22at the convention,
57:23that disgusting kiss?
57:24Have you ever seen
57:24anything so disgusting?
57:27Can you imagine
57:27any other politician?
57:29Can you imagine
57:29Richard Nixon?
57:30Come here, Pat,
57:31you bitch.
57:33I'm gonna chew on your ass,
57:34you little...
57:35But that was Al Gore's
57:39way of saying,
57:39I fuck my wife, too.
57:42And a week later,
57:43George Bush
57:44let himself get caught
57:45on camera
57:46grabbing his wife's ass.
57:48Because that's his way
57:49of saying,
57:50oh, you're not gonna steal
57:51the integrity issue
57:51from us.
57:53We're the wife fuckers
57:54in this election.
57:55I fuck my wife,
57:57my brother fucks his wife,
57:58my dad even fucks his wife.
58:01And that's a lot
58:02of integrity.
58:04Thank you very much,
58:05ladies and gentlemen.
58:06You're a great crowd.
58:10I appreciate you coming out.
58:19Thank you very much.
58:35Thank you very much.
Be the first to comment