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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Can we talk?
00:00:02Will you wear it?
00:00:03I've got a new attitude, a new outlook, and a new eye job.
00:00:08I'll grow up!
00:00:10With your Roastmaster, Kathy Griffin.
00:00:13A woman you make 19, 20 mistakes right away, you're a tramp.
00:00:16And Roasters, Brad Garrett.
00:00:19Greg Geraldo.
00:00:21Oh, please!
00:00:22Tom Arnold.
00:00:24My body is falling so goddamn fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.
00:00:29Jeffrey Ross.
00:00:31Whitney Cummings.
00:00:33Gilmer Godfrey.
00:00:35I am crazy!
00:00:36Robin Quivers.
00:00:38Mario Cantone.
00:00:40Don Rickles.
00:00:41Oh, my God!
00:00:42Donald Trump.
00:00:44And Carl Reimer.
00:00:46Gilmer is a God-given gift.
00:00:48And I've got it.
00:00:50This is the Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers.
00:00:55Brought to you by Taco Bell and MGD64.
00:01:01And now, please welcome your Roastmaster, Kathy Griffin.
00:01:07Hello, hello, hello!
00:01:09We are here to celebrate the career of a groundbreaking comedian, a hugely successful woman, celebrity apprentice
00:01:30champ, a true comedy icon, and a legendary bitch.
00:01:37Tonight, we're here for the one and only Joan F***ing Rivers.
00:01:41Give it up!
00:01:42Yeah.
00:01:43We can only pray Joan will have half as big a nervous breakdown as she did on The Celebrity Apprentice.
00:01:56That was juicy, wasn't it?
00:01:58Polka player!
00:01:59White trash!
00:02:00You're worse than Hitler!
00:02:02Worse than Hitler.
00:02:03And she still won.
00:02:04That's kind of the best part, isn't it?
00:02:17You know why?
00:02:18Because Joan has got the biggest and maybe hairiest balls in this room.
00:02:22Next to Brad Garrett.
00:02:25Now, look at all the talent Joan brought out tonight.
00:02:30Ah, f***.
00:02:33Forget the D-list.
00:02:34When I'm the biggest star in the room, you're f***ed.
00:02:37And what an honor to have a true comedy icon here tonight, Mr. Carl Reiner.
00:02:42Very lucky.
00:02:43You're barely lucky.
00:02:44Luckiest people in the world.
00:02:49Carl, you're a barely living legend.
00:02:55Now, you remember Joan, don't you, Carl?
00:03:00God made her out of one of your ribs?
00:03:02Now, as you know, Joan and I share a large gay following.
00:03:11And he's here tonight.
00:03:17Let's hear it for Brad Garrett.
00:03:18Brad, Brad, Brad, look at you.
00:03:26Sitting there with a gut full of resentment.
00:03:28And by resentment, I mean Ray Romano's semen.
00:03:31But for all of you homophobes out there,
00:03:40beware, tonight is going to be gayer than that kid from American Idol this year.
00:03:45Brian Seacrest.
00:03:47But let's talk about the real queen of comedy.
00:03:54Not only is Joan a comedian, she's an author, director, and most importantly, she's still breathing.
00:03:59And now, let's do what everyone is afraid to do.
00:04:04Take a close look at Joan Rivers.
00:04:06Joan Rivers.
00:04:07Ladies and gentlemen, a semi-legent in her own lifetime, Miss Joan Rivers.
00:04:12Joan Rivers!
00:04:13Joan Rivers!
00:04:14Joan Rivers?
00:04:15I thought she was dead.
00:04:16Now, ladies and gentlemen, here is my little pixie friend, Joan Rivers.
00:04:20Joan Alexander Molenski.
00:04:21Born in Brooklyn, raised in Larchmont, graduated from Barnard by Beta Kappa.
00:04:25$125,000 on plastic surgery.
00:04:28Tell me what you don't like about yourself.
00:04:30Are you kidding?
00:04:31Everything.
00:04:32And you know when it's too much?
00:04:33When you go to the bathroom, you have to wipe your ears.
00:04:35That's when you stop.
00:04:36Oh, I've been around.
00:04:38I haven't just stopped in here.
00:04:39Oh, no.
00:04:40Even you, Mr. Sullivan.
00:04:41You know what he did to me last year?
00:04:43Made me follow an elephant.
00:04:45You look at me and I know you think a great star.
00:04:48Bitch.
00:04:49But I'm lonely.
00:04:50Who's going to f*** me tonight?
00:04:53I love you, Joan.
00:04:54You know I would have sex with you, but I'm afraid that we're cousins.
00:04:58Yes!
00:04:59Hello, everybody.
00:05:00I am Joan Rivers.
00:05:02We're at the Oscars.
00:05:03Then we're going to go to the drummies.
00:05:05And then we'll touch back the red carpet and hear you!
00:05:08Oh, oh, oh, oh!
00:05:11How can we talk?
00:05:13How loud up?
00:05:14Where are my games?
00:05:15I'm on the goddamn red carpet at two o'clock in the afternoon in the sun like a hooker
00:05:19in Miami.
00:05:20I am so sorry for this already.
00:05:22Saying things like, who you wearing?
00:05:24This is pathetic.
00:05:25Oh, come on now.
00:05:26Where is your mother?
00:05:27Who the f*** are you?
00:05:28Lee Majors.
00:05:29It's Lee Majors.
00:05:31MJ Hammer.
00:05:32Jessica, Jessica.
00:05:33Jessica.
00:05:34Now, what about your private lives?
00:05:38Thank you for making me look like an ass.
00:05:40Up to you, Melissa.
00:05:41The celebrity of prejudice.
00:05:42You're a despicable human being.
00:05:43Joe, she does seem nice.
00:05:44So is Hitler.
00:05:45And Buchenwald.
00:05:46I think she's kind of a crazy bitch.
00:05:47I despise Annie.
00:05:48I'm gonna crush you, girl.
00:05:49How dare you?
00:05:50You're a poker player.
00:05:51That's beyond white trash.
00:05:52Whether I win or lose, I won.
00:05:53My charity is known now all over the world.
00:05:54So we won.
00:05:55You make me laugh all the time.
00:05:56You're stupid best.
00:05:57John Levers is the best.
00:05:58John Levers is the best.
00:05:59John Levers is the best.
00:06:00Humor was born in me.
00:06:01The gift of humor.
00:06:02And by going on this show, if I can make one person out there in video lands, David,
00:06:07and if I can pick out lots of money for doing it, John Levers is the best, John Levers is the best.
00:06:14And by going on this show, if I can make one person out there in video lands, David,
00:06:20and if I can pick out lots of money for doing it, John Levers is the best.
00:06:29Please welcome our guest of honor this evening, my biggest idol, still edgy, still offensive,
00:06:39and still foxy after all these years, Joan Rivers!
00:06:44Don't be nothin' if they will.
00:06:45Don't be nothin' if they will.
00:06:46Oh, don't do it!
00:06:47Don't buy them.
00:06:48Don't buy them.
00:06:49Do it!
00:06:50Don't buy them.
00:06:51Stop f***ing if they will.
00:06:535-1.
00:07:08Good, happy.
00:07:11Everybody, Ram and Angelina are having a garage sale.
00:07:13garage sale. Look at this.
00:07:15Look at this.
00:07:17Almost like new. Turn around.
00:07:19I mean, and this one speaks English.
00:07:21Say something. That's
00:07:23enough. Alright. Now.
00:07:25Alright kids, go make jewelry.
00:07:31I hate jewelry.
00:07:43Now, a lot of people
00:07:51are going to joyously
00:07:53say a lot of terrible things about you tonight,
00:07:55Joan. But as the saying goes,
00:07:57sticks and stones may break
00:07:59your bones, but at your age
00:08:01you could actually break a hip taking a shit.
00:08:05When Joan was born, the doctors
00:08:07took a look at her and said,
00:08:09holy shit, we're gonna make a fortune on this one.
00:08:11Then they got on the
00:08:13Mayflower and set sail for America.
00:08:19Our Joan started out
00:08:21in Brooklyn as little Joan
00:08:23Malinsky. You know my
00:08:25Joanie, Jewish girls are supposed to grow up and
00:08:27marry doctors, not support them.
00:08:29Joan is not an
00:08:31Orthodox Jew, but men still
00:08:33fuck her through a sheet so they don't have to look at that face.
00:08:41Now I've done my research
00:08:43and I read that you had your first face job
00:08:45at the age of 32.
00:08:47You swallowed, wiped off the rest, and then
00:08:49went in for some plastic surgery.
00:08:53Joan, can we talk?
00:08:55My guess is you don't have much of a sex
00:08:57life anymore. The only people you're screwing
00:08:59these days are your customers at QVC.
00:09:01By the way, I got the earrings
00:09:03on.
00:09:05I got the earrings on.
00:09:07Joan Rivers collection, I love them.
00:09:09Now look, I know you like to stay
00:09:11current, Joan. You wear chic
00:09:13couture clothing. You're on Facebook.
00:09:15You've got your own website.
00:09:17You know, you should think about maybe doing a sex tape.
00:09:19Can you guys imagine Joan Rivers doing a sex tape?
00:09:21No, seriously, take a moment.
00:09:23Close your eyes and really
00:09:25picture it.
00:09:27For Joan, sex tape is what she uses
00:09:29to keep her vagina from sliding
00:09:31down her pant leg.
00:09:35It's different than Lindsay. For Lindsay,
00:09:37it's a whole new meaning.
00:09:39Joan, look, you know I adore you.
00:09:41You're an inspiration to me.
00:09:43You have made it possible, certainly,
00:09:45for every female comedian to work.
00:09:47You're a trailblazer. You're the first and last woman
00:09:49in the history of network late night to have a show.
00:09:51You put the red carpet on the map.
00:09:53Nobody watched the red carpet before Joan.
00:09:55You got a fantastic career.
00:09:59You're famous all over the world.
00:10:01And no matter where you go or who you meet,
00:10:03everyone says the same thing your gynecologist said
00:10:05the first time he took a look at you.
00:10:07What an ugly cunt.
00:10:09Honestly, Joan, you're my favorite.
00:10:11You know that.
00:10:13So let the roasting begin!
00:10:19Alright, our first roaster tonight is Mr. Greg Giraldo,
00:10:21which is...
00:10:23I know.
00:10:25Which is the most insulting thing
00:10:27you could possibly call someone.
00:10:29He's gonna make you laugh and then you'll forget him.
00:10:31Please welcome the who-larious Greg Giraldo!
00:10:35Thank you, Tranny Bonaduce.
00:10:45Thank you, Tranny Bonaduce.
00:10:47Kathy, you look like Ronald McDonald
00:10:53f***ed Lucille Ball's corpse
00:10:55then pushed it down a flight of stairs.
00:10:57Holy shit.
00:10:59What's with all the surgery, Kathy?
00:11:01Lord, you've been stitched up thousands of times
00:11:03but you're still sad to look at.
00:11:05You're like the AIDS quilt.
00:11:07What a night!
00:11:11A couple of trolls, a fairy, and a giant
00:11:13all going after a sunken-eyed little monster
00:11:15who's obsessed with jewelry.
00:11:17It's like the Lord of the Rings.
00:11:27The great Carl Reiner's here.
00:11:29This is very exciting, yes.
00:11:31Carl.
00:11:33Carl!
00:11:35Carl, you're a legend
00:11:37and you're awesome in Ocean's Eleven
00:11:39but seriously,
00:11:41why would you do a movie with Brad Pitt
00:11:43and George Clooney?
00:11:45You're ugly when they're not standing next to you.
00:11:47Brad Pitt and you,
00:11:49it was like Beauty and the Deceased.
00:11:53You are such a comedy icon
00:11:55that Joan named one of those shitty watches
00:11:57she sells on QVC after you.
00:11:59It's the Carl Reiner edition.
00:12:01It's got liver-spotted hands
00:12:03and it's running out of time.
00:12:05Robin Quivers, Robin, you look like a syrup bottle.
00:12:13And...
00:12:15I don't mean to sound crass,
00:12:17but you must have an enormous .
00:12:21You're like Aunt Vagina.
00:12:23Seriously.
00:12:25Mario Cantone is here.
00:12:27Mario!
00:12:29You are one tiny loud-mouthed fairy.
00:12:33You're the only guy who takes a stepladder into a glory hole.
00:12:39You're...
00:12:41Your father must have been devastated
00:12:43when you came out of the cupboard.
00:12:45Brad Garrett from Everybody Loves Raymond, huh?
00:12:49Holy shit.
00:12:51You are a f***ing monster, Brad.
00:12:53How'd you ever get your head so far up Ray Romano's ass
00:12:57with those bolts in your neck?
00:12:59And...
00:13:01Whitney...
00:13:03Whitney Cummings is here for some reason.
00:13:05I...
00:13:07I guess, uh...
00:13:08I guess since Kathy and Joan have huge gay followings,
00:13:11we needed someone with no following.
00:13:13Whitney...
00:13:15Whitney's a girl who obviously knows the answer to the question,
00:13:17Hey, who do you have to blow to get on one of these roasts?
00:13:21And speaking of degrading yourself sexually to get ahead in show business,
00:13:25Tom Arnold is here.
00:13:27Tom...
00:13:29It is great you can take time out from being Roseanne's ex-husband to be here.
00:13:35Tom, you twitchy spaz.
00:13:39Joan...
00:13:41Actually named...
00:13:43Another one of her shitty watches after you, too.
00:13:47It's the Tom Arnold that never stops ticking
00:13:49and used to come in a giant hairy box.
00:13:53And...
00:13:55Finally...
00:13:57Finally we get to comedy legend,
00:13:59an irritating Jewish lady,
00:14:01Gilbert Gottfried is here, everybody, huh?
00:14:03Gilbert!
00:14:05Holy shit, Gilbert.
00:14:07You look like you smell like pee.
00:14:11And...
00:14:12Gilbert's famously cheap.
00:14:14Uh, I'm impressed you're here, Gilbert, you know,
00:14:15cause, uh...
00:14:16You know, when you do these things,
00:14:17you gotta buy new clothes,
00:14:18you gotta take a week off from work,
00:14:19but you showed up,
00:14:20you tightened your belt, and you came.
00:14:22You're like David Carradine.
00:14:24And...
00:14:25Yeah.
00:14:26A sympathetic figure, if ever there was one.
00:14:30And now, it really is my honor
00:14:35to talk about comedy great Joan Rivers.
00:14:38Joan Rivers, everybody.
00:14:39This is exciting.
00:14:41Joan, you are one irritating Jew broad.
00:14:45The first time I heard your voice, my foreskin fell off.
00:14:49What have you done to your upper lip?
00:14:51Did you blow a beehive?
00:14:53Holy shit.
00:14:54The last time I saw something that inflated,
00:14:56it was floating over Yankee Stadium.
00:14:58You look like Steven Tyler,
00:15:00the life raft.
00:15:01Seriously.
00:15:02I...
00:15:03You're not the only one here.
00:15:04All these rubber-faced monsters.
00:15:05What the ?
00:15:06What...
00:15:07What...
00:15:08What goes into people's heads out here?
00:15:09Why?
00:15:10Did you really...
00:15:11Really?
00:15:12Is that...
00:15:13Good?
00:15:14How much worse could your real face look
00:15:16than that clown mask you've had welded on your head?
00:15:19You...
00:15:21You used to look your age.
00:15:23Now you don't even look your species.
00:15:25You...
00:15:26You...
00:15:27You once said you succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking,
00:15:30and that's not true.
00:15:31It's not true.
00:15:32I never heard you say,
00:15:33holy shit, what the ?
00:15:34did I do to my face?
00:15:36I look like a surprised catfish.
00:15:41Joan, you really are an absolutely incredible talent.
00:15:44You're absolutely hysterical.
00:15:45Every comic I know respects you.
00:15:48That's a God's honest truth.
00:15:49Everyone thinks you're hilarious.
00:15:50I think you're the best.
00:15:51And at your age, you're still relevant, still cool, and shit.
00:15:54You even got a boob job just a few years ago.
00:15:56You're every man's dream.
00:15:58And by that, I mean every man that dreams of titty-fucking a crocodile.
00:16:02Thank you very much.
00:16:03Congratulations, Joan.
00:16:04The Tom Essential Roast of Joan Rivers is brought to you by MGD64 and Tato Belle.
00:16:15Coming up on the Roast of Joan Rivers, Jeffrey Ross, Brad Garrett, Robin Quivers, Carl Reiner, Tom Arnold, Mario Cantone, and Joan Rivers.
00:16:25Can you say, make me rich?
00:16:27Make me rich.
00:16:28Make me rich.
00:16:29Make me rich.
00:16:35We have a very special treat tonight.
00:16:37Joan's plastic surgeon is here.
00:16:39Ladies and gentlemen, Dexter.
00:16:40Dexter.
00:16:41Congratulations.
00:16:42Yeah.
00:16:43Oh, God, he chopped up the bits, didn't he?
00:16:48Now, look.
00:16:49Our next roaster is Mario Cantone.
00:16:52You know him from Sex and the City and Sex and His Shitter.
00:16:56Straight man of America, let me introduce you to someone you've never seen and never will again.
00:17:01Mario Cantone!
00:17:14Oh!
00:17:15So warm.
00:17:16Thank you, Cathy, for that warm introduction said through your plastic surgery gone awry.
00:17:22I always wanted to know what Andy Dick looked like if he went to the gym.
00:17:26Joan, your face is like the war in Iraq, an expensive bloody mess that everybody's tired of seeing on TV.
00:17:41Joan's Hebrew name is Nip Tuch.
00:17:49This is Joan looking in the mirror.
00:17:51Who are you?
00:17:52She outlasted all the dead people that should be here roasting her.
00:18:04I know Betty Davis, stroke and all, is looking up from hell just going,
00:18:09Joan Rivers, we are all waiting for you down here, waiting for you and your immobile face.
00:18:19I had a stroke, you know, yes, I had a stroke, but I never had any work done.
00:18:26No, no, I did it the hard way.
00:18:30You were the smart one, Joan.
00:18:32You had plastic surgery early on.
00:18:36So, after your stroke, no one could ever tell.
00:18:40And I know Judy Garland is looking down from heaven.
00:18:46She's looking down.
00:18:47Joan, Joan, it's time.
00:18:51You've had a marvelous, marvelous life, but you're old and wicked.
00:18:56You know, I first met Joan when my house fell on her sister.
00:18:59This is Joan writing a joke.
00:19:04I need new material.
00:19:06Okay.
00:19:08Oh, I'm in the Jackson Will.
00:19:10If Catherine doesn't take the kids, Diana.
00:19:12If Diana doesn't want them, I'll take them.
00:19:14What am I going to do with three little white Gentiles and one named Blanket?
00:19:18I'll change his name to Afghan and send them all QVC.
00:19:23Is it too soon?
00:19:25Melissa, is it too soon?
00:19:27Melissa!
00:19:28I saw that movie you guys did together.
00:19:30Fantastic.
00:19:31Great TV movie the two of you did about their lives, mother and daughter.
00:19:35It was called Grey Gardens.
00:19:40Melissa, I'm hungry.
00:19:41Get me some cat food.
00:19:43Mother, I can't find the cat opener!
00:19:46Use my teeth, they're in a jaw by the sink!
00:19:52And you were brilliant in the vagina monologues.
00:19:54My vagina talks and talks and talks and doesn't know what the f*** it's saying.
00:19:58That's not true.
00:19:59My vagina does talk.
00:20:00And all it says is water, water.
00:20:05Oil can, oil can!
00:20:09I adore you and that is the reason why I'm here.
00:20:11I think you're brilliant.
00:20:13You're funnier now than ever.
00:20:15And that is honestly the truth.
00:20:17I mean you've always been brilliant.
00:20:18You're genius.
00:20:19So I adore you and I thank you very much.
00:20:21And thank you very much.
00:20:22And now I'm going to do something that never happens during a Hollywood pitch meeting.
00:20:38I'm going to bring up Tom Arnold.
00:20:42Ladies and gentlemen, the producers have asked that during his performance all exits be made in a quiet and orderly fashion.
00:20:51And now the worst damn comedian period, Tom Arnold!
00:20:57Mario, thanks for lowering the bar because I don't think I could have followed Greg.
00:21:09Anyway.
00:21:10You know, Kathy dated the Apple computer billionaire Steve Wozniak.
00:21:22Then he dumped her.
00:21:23I guess because her face is such a pop-up blocker.
00:21:27Yeah, you know, it must feel good for Brad Garrett to be here roasting Joan Rivers.
00:21:37Because usually when Brad's spending the night slamming an ugly old whore, it costs Ray Romano $200.
00:21:46Ray Romano.
00:21:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:21:48Oh my God, it's Tyler Perry.
00:21:50No, no.
00:21:51Oh, I'm so...
00:21:52Robin, I apologize.
00:21:53I apologize.
00:21:54I apologize.
00:21:55I...
00:21:56Oh.
00:21:57Oh.
00:21:58Oh.
00:21:59Oh.
00:22:00I am so sorry.
00:22:02Ah.
00:22:03Greg Giraldo.
00:22:06When is Hollywood going to give up on you, buddy?
00:22:10You can kill a pilot faster than a flock of seagulls.
00:22:14Hold on, hold on, hold on.
00:22:15I gotta do this.
00:22:16I gotta do this.
00:22:17Hang with me.
00:22:18Hang with me here.
00:22:19Okay.
00:22:20Tell me how I do.
00:22:21Ah.
00:22:22What is...
00:22:23Greg Giraldo.
00:22:28When is Hollywood going to give up on this guy?
00:22:34He can kill a pilot faster than a flock of geese carrying box cutters.
00:22:39Greg Giraldo.
00:22:43Greg Giraldo.
00:22:44He's got two G's in his name and only 50 bucks in the bank.
00:22:48Wait, wait.
00:22:49Do the other one again, but just try it with a better punchline.
00:22:55Which one?
00:22:56Which one?
00:22:57Yeah.
00:22:58They were both good.
00:22:59They were both good.
00:23:00All right.
00:23:01Mario Cantone.
00:23:02Hey, buddy.
00:23:03Hello.
00:23:04Now Mario's in the movies.
00:23:05He was in that, uh, Sex in the City and, uh, every time the director said, uh, take five,
00:23:10Mario's boyfriend would shove his fist up his ass.
00:23:13Cause...
00:23:14Woo!
00:23:15Do you guys really do that?
00:23:19That's...
00:23:20That's funny.
00:23:21That's funny.
00:23:22Hey, Whitney Cummings.
00:23:24Um...
00:23:25There.
00:23:26Right there.
00:23:27You know, no roast is complete without an anonymous les...
00:23:31Let me do it again.
00:23:32You know where I am.
00:23:34Hey, Whitney Cummings.
00:23:35Hey, hey.
00:23:36You know, no roast is complete without an anonymous...
00:23:40How can I not say f***ing anonymous?
00:23:42I'm an AA for God's sake.
00:23:48F*** me.
00:23:53You look like you've had some work done.
00:23:55Have you?
00:23:56No.
00:23:57No.
00:23:58Okay.
00:23:59Sorry.
00:24:00Gilbert Gottfried, what happened to your career?
00:24:03You couldn't fill a comedy club if you were sitting on Jeff Dunham's lap.
00:24:10With his hand up your ass.
00:24:12It's a real treat for me to be here with the great Carl Reiner.
00:24:16And, uh, I don't know if you know this, but he received the Mark Twain prize for humor.
00:24:20True?
00:24:21True, Carl?
00:24:22Yes, yes, yes.
00:24:23Yes.
00:24:24That's true.
00:24:25I mean, the guy, what can you say?
00:24:27And then, uh, ten years later, Mark Twain received the Carl Reiner prize for humor, which was...
00:24:37And now, on to the guest of honor, Ms. Joan Rivers.
00:24:46You know, I heard you spent over a hundred grand on your face, and I'm gonna tell you something, that was money well spent.
00:24:51That baby is tight.
00:24:52That baby is tight.
00:24:53And you know the old saying, you don't f**k a face?
00:24:55Well, in your case, I'll take my chances.
00:24:58Plus, that work is gonna save your daughter, Melissa, a fortune in taxidermy costs, so she can still cart you around and keep her career going.
00:25:10Hey, hey, hey!
00:25:13I don't mean to s...
00:25:16I don't mean to sound judgmental.
00:25:18I just hate it when someone uses a much more famous relative to further their own career.
00:25:24Melissa, that's my gig, b**ch.
00:25:29Okay, say what you want about Joan Rivers, but she's an icon, a real diva, which, by the way, is what they call a c** when she's still sitting in the room.
00:25:44Believe me, I know.
00:25:48But I seriously, I love and respect you.
00:25:51I watched that Ed Sullivan with my father when I was a kid back in Iowa.
00:25:55At an age when most people take it easy because they're dead, you keep getting bigger.
00:26:02But more importantly, Joan keeps the comedy coming, saying things that would destroy a younger, less senile comics career.
00:26:09Thank you, Joan.
00:26:15Coming up, Jeffrey Ross.
00:26:17Joan Rivers is the best target.
00:26:18It could have been a four-part miniseries.
00:26:20Carl Reiner.
00:26:21And Joan Rivers.
00:26:22It's a ten-year friendship.
00:26:24Yes.
00:26:25Which made me over tonight, which I think is very exciting.
00:26:29Good evening, America.
00:26:30I'm Donald Trump.
00:26:31And I'm not here to tell you roast jokes.
00:26:34Frankly, it's beneath me.
00:26:36And in fact, even doing cable, I only do network.
00:26:39I don't do this kind of stuff, and I don't like it.
00:26:42I'm here to announce my greatest, most ambitious construction,
00:26:46project yet.
00:26:47The Joan Rivers facial and body renovation.
00:26:51And that is a big job.
00:26:53That's right.
00:26:54Joan, I, Donald Trump, have agreed to finance and oversee your complete overhaul.
00:27:01My trained eye tells me since 1982 you've been condemned from the waist down.
00:27:08And like most dilapidated structures, you haven't been entered in decades.
00:27:12But I, Donald Trump, promise you no expense will be spared in your reconstruction.
00:27:19We'll tent you, fumigate you, and if necessary, send in a hazmat team to remove all hazardous
00:27:26materials found in that toxic pool you call a vagina.
00:27:32Which has already been responsible for at least one fatality.
00:27:36Trump Rivers will be one of my biggest projects ever.
00:27:40But Donald Trump is up for the challenge to make you what we in real estate business call
00:27:45dick friendly.
00:27:47Okay, I made that word up.
00:27:49So let me say right now I think you're a wonderful person, and I'm proud to be your boss.
00:27:55You were fantastic on The Apprentice, you beat a lot of very smart people, and some that weren't
00:28:00so smart.
00:28:01But, you know what, if you're not there on time on Monday, your ass is fired.
00:28:13Yuck.
00:28:14Oh, I mean, our next roaster is Jeff Ross.
00:28:18Unfortunately, Jeff can be seen on the cover of his new book, and it's available at Petco.
00:28:24Sleep tight, everybody.
00:28:26Here's Jeff Ross!
00:28:39Nip Tuck, what the f***?
00:28:44This isn't a roast, it's an autopsy.
00:28:48Let's face it, Joan Rivers is so old.
00:28:50If you Google her, you can find her on Craig's and Schindler's list.
00:28:57Wow.
00:29:01Joan had a difficult choice to make, whether to do this roast or be the fifth celebrity
00:29:05to die this month.
00:29:10Oh, that's funny!
00:29:11This is such an honor for me, Joan.
00:29:16You were my great-great-great-grandmother's favorite comedian.
00:29:22Who knows?
00:29:23Maybe next year we'll roast the Younger Rivers.
00:29:25Of course, I'm talking about the Amazon and the Euphrates.
00:29:28Can we talk?
00:29:29This woman is a legend.
00:29:30A legend.
00:29:31It's true.
00:29:32It's true.
00:29:33It's true.
00:29:34Amazing.
00:29:35Have you seen her new YouTube video?
00:29:36Called Forget Matt Damon.
00:29:37I f*** Charlie Chaplin.
00:29:38Who's your plastic surgeon?
00:29:39Tim Burton?
00:29:40Oh, my God, Kanye's mom had a better plastic surgeon.
00:29:42May she rest in peace.
00:29:50Oh, my God, Kanye's mom had a better plastic surgeon.
00:29:55plastic surgeon, Tim Burton?
00:29:58Oh, my God. Kanye's mom
00:30:00had a better plastic surgeon.
00:30:07May she rest in peace.
00:30:09But all kidding
00:30:10aside, Joan, I think you're incredibly
00:30:12sexy. I would f*** you like there's
00:30:14no tomorrow. Because for
00:30:16you, that's a distinct possibility.
00:30:18Oh, look at her.
00:30:24She's a cougar.
00:30:26Freddy cougar.
00:30:30Oh.
00:30:31I heard recently Joan had a tummy tuck
00:30:34and they put the leftover skin on
00:30:35Kathy Griffin's face.
00:30:38Wow, look at that.
00:30:40When did Howdy Doody
00:30:41f*** Pippi Longstocking?
00:30:43Holy shit.
00:30:48Kathy Griffin, I wouldn't f*** you
00:30:50with Chastity Bono's new dick.
00:30:54I don't know.
00:30:56It's probably big.
00:30:58And I see Brad Garrett
00:31:00is here. If you like my act, you can see it
00:31:02again later when Brad comes up.
00:31:08This guy has two writers. Their names are
00:31:10cut and paste.
00:31:13And I see
00:31:18the great Carl Reiner is here.
00:31:20This is so cool, man.
00:31:23Yeah.
00:31:25Carl,
00:31:27seriously, congrats on
00:31:28being on color TV for the first time.
00:31:33Yeah.
00:31:34Actually, tonight I should call you
00:31:36Van because you're sitting between a
00:31:38dick and a dyke.
00:31:38Wowie.
00:31:43Carl Reiner, Joan Rivers.
00:31:45It's weird to see the limos
00:31:46parked in the handicapped spots.
00:31:51Oh, there's my friend
00:31:52the lovely Robin Quiver.
00:31:53It's great to see you, Robin.
00:31:55Yeah.
00:31:58Let's face it, Robin.
00:31:59Without the Howard Stern Show,
00:32:00the only thing you'd be saying
00:32:01into a microphone would be
00:32:02welcome to Popeyes.
00:32:03May I take your order?
00:32:04Tom Arnold is here.
00:32:13I guess that's a joke on us, huh?
00:32:20Of course, tonight is actually
00:32:22a benefit for Joan Rivers'
00:32:23favorite charity,
00:32:25Melissa Rivers.
00:32:27Oh, look at her.
00:32:28The lovely Melissa.
00:32:30Look at her.
00:32:30You're like a chip off the old face.
00:32:32Oh, you have your mother's nose.
00:32:37It's in the will.
00:32:45You're amazing, Joan.
00:32:46Forty years of telling it like it is.
00:32:48You got the biggest balls
00:32:50in the business.
00:32:51And Joan, her whole life,
00:32:53all she wanted to just be
00:32:54considered one of the guys.
00:32:55And good news is,
00:32:57your doctor says
00:32:57you're only three surgeries away.
00:32:59The real truth is, Joan,
00:33:03it's like I read your,
00:33:04when I was a beginning comedian,
00:33:05I read your memoir,
00:33:06Enter Talking,
00:33:07and you talk about
00:33:08how hard it was
00:33:09starting out for you,
00:33:10and I was a beginning comic,
00:33:11and you really inspired me.
00:33:13Your stories taught me
00:33:14that if you're willing
00:33:14to enjoy the process,
00:33:16you can go pretty much
00:33:18anywhere in this life.
00:33:19So, I love you a lot.
00:33:20Thank you, Mamala.
00:33:21All right.
00:33:22The Comedy Central Roast
00:33:30of Joan Rivers
00:33:31is brought to you
00:33:31in part by Klondike
00:33:33and Madden NFL Tag.
00:33:35Coming up,
00:33:36Robin Quivers.
00:33:37I think I'm really
00:33:39going to get fewer tonight.
00:33:41Brad Garrett.
00:33:41Carl Reiner.
00:33:43I really am looking forward
00:33:44to seeing myself.
00:33:46And Joan Rivers.
00:33:47Don't you have any comedy advice?
00:33:48I don't give a shit
00:33:49about comedy.
00:33:50Marry rich.
00:33:50Don't end up like me
00:33:51at this age,
00:33:52still trying to make a fuck.
00:33:59All right, everybody.
00:34:00The next roaster
00:34:01is the great Carl Reiner.
00:34:08And...
00:34:09The great Carl Reiner.
00:34:15We're lucky to have him
00:34:16because it's pudding night
00:34:17at the home.
00:34:18Now, look.
00:34:20He's such an old comedy legend.
00:34:22He even smells funny.
00:34:24Here comes sponge bath square pants.
00:34:27Mr. Carl Reiner.
00:34:38I can't...
00:34:39I cannot believe it.
00:34:42I started in television
00:34:43in 1948.
00:34:44No, no, I'm not asking for applause.
00:34:51And the things we couldn't say
00:34:53on the Dick Van...
00:34:54On the Dick Van Dyke show,
00:34:57we were not allowed
00:34:58to say the word pregnant.
00:35:00We couldn't say the word pregnant.
00:35:03And today,
00:35:04for the first time,
00:35:06I feel freed.
00:35:08Free at last!
00:35:10Free at last!
00:35:11Wait, wait, wait!
00:35:14I want to...
00:35:14I want to try out
00:35:16my newfound freedom!
00:35:17Woo!
00:35:24F***!
00:35:25Let me throw in just a shit.
00:35:41Okay.
00:35:42That's nothing.
00:35:43But by the way,
00:35:45has anybody tonight...
00:35:47I don't think so.
00:35:49Has anybody used the word
00:35:50c*** sucker?
00:35:52I did it!
00:35:53Oh, I wish my...
00:35:55I wish my mother and father
00:35:56were alive to see this!
00:35:58To see this!
00:36:00Their son has made it!
00:36:01He's a modern kid!
00:36:05I really am thrilled to be here,
00:36:07and I was thrilled that
00:36:07you stood up
00:36:09and gave me an applause.
00:36:10I didn't think you knew me,
00:36:12I swear to God.
00:36:13You're all laughing...
00:36:15No, please...
00:36:19I forget how beloved I am!
00:36:22When you're 87,
00:36:25you forget a lot of things.
00:36:26Anyway,
00:36:27I made some notes
00:36:28which I can't read.
00:36:30Oh, oh, yes!
00:36:31Yes, here.
00:36:32I'll pot shot around.
00:36:34I was saying...
00:36:34I was trying to think
00:36:35of something good,
00:36:36dirty thing.
00:36:37The best dirty jokes,
00:36:39the best filth,
00:36:40the best filth
00:36:41I've heard in years.
00:36:42And I couldn't compete
00:36:43with that,
00:36:43but I do remember
00:36:44when I did,
00:36:45oh, God,
00:36:46lovely George Burns.
00:36:47I went back to his dressing room
00:36:48and I said,
00:36:49George,
00:36:49you know,
00:36:50I said,
00:36:50you always talk about,
00:36:51you know,
00:36:52frickin' frack
00:36:53and your vaudeville career,
00:36:55but you never talk about
00:36:56things serious,
00:36:57your family,
00:36:58yourself,
00:36:58your life.
00:36:59I'd like to find out.
00:37:00He said,
00:37:00what do you want to know?
00:37:01I said,
00:37:02well, for instance,
00:37:03I said,
00:37:03I'm 60 or 80.
00:37:05What do I have to look forward to
00:37:07in my, you know,
00:37:07sex life?
00:37:08And he said to me,
00:37:10which I give to you,
00:37:11you can all use it
00:37:12because it's true.
00:37:13He said,
00:37:14have you ever tried
00:37:16to put an oyster
00:37:18in a slot machine?
00:37:22And that's,
00:37:23and that's the only
00:37:24dirty one I got.
00:37:25I got,
00:37:26I just,
00:37:29anyway,
00:37:34I,
00:37:35I,
00:37:35I Wikipedia-ed you today.
00:37:38Did you feel it?
00:37:41Anyway,
00:37:41there are pages
00:37:43and pages
00:37:43and pages
00:37:44and in,
00:37:45and among all of this,
00:37:47her real dream
00:37:48was to be a serious actress.
00:37:50And you know
00:37:51what happened?
00:37:52It's,
00:37:53it's really,
00:37:54it's cruel.
00:37:55It's cruel.
00:37:56She walked on the stage
00:37:57and they started
00:37:58to laugh at her.
00:38:00She was deadly serious
00:38:01and people have been
00:38:03laughing at her
00:38:03and laughing at her.
00:38:04If we want to do her
00:38:06a big favor,
00:38:07we'll stop laughing at her.
00:38:09She wanted to do
00:38:11Joan of Arc.
00:38:14Don't,
00:38:14I would love to see
00:38:15Joan burnt at a stake.
00:38:17Wouldn't you?
00:38:19Wouldn't you?
00:38:20I,
00:38:20I,
00:38:21anyway,
00:38:22my last word,
00:38:24and this is a word
00:38:25I have never,
00:38:26ever said
00:38:26anywhere,
00:38:28and I heard it tonight
00:38:29and I'm going to try
00:38:30to say it.
00:38:31I really,
00:38:32very hard for me
00:38:33to say
00:38:33who was brought up
00:38:34with the,
00:38:35you know,
00:38:35the Hayes office
00:38:36and all those censors.
00:38:39It's the word
00:38:40for vagina.
00:38:42I'm going to make
00:38:43an attempt.
00:38:44I'm going to make
00:38:45an attempt.
00:38:46I'm going to make
00:38:47an attempt.
00:38:47Please get me
00:38:48through this.
00:38:49If I get through this,
00:38:50I can go on
00:38:50to the next level.
00:38:51I'm 87.
00:38:52I'll go on to,
00:38:53who knows,
00:38:5388.
00:38:54Anyway,
00:38:55anyway,
00:38:56I'm going to try
00:38:57to say it.
00:38:59Coo.
00:39:02Coo.
00:39:03Coo.
00:39:04Coo.
00:39:05I said it.
00:39:06I said it.
00:39:07I said it.
00:39:07I said it.
00:39:08I said it.
00:39:21Thank you,
00:39:22Mr. Reiner.
00:39:23Rest in peace.
00:39:25All right,
00:39:25now wait a minute.
00:39:26All this is happening,
00:39:26so where's
00:39:27Melissa?
00:39:27Melissa,
00:39:28why aren't you
00:39:28on stage tonight?
00:39:29Why aren't you
00:39:30sticking up
00:39:30for your poor
00:39:30mother here,
00:39:31who stood up
00:39:32for you
00:39:32in The Celebrity
00:39:33Apprentice
00:39:34when you're running
00:39:34around with that
00:39:35fake cast?
00:39:36Now come on,
00:39:36get up here
00:39:37and make your
00:39:37mama proud.
00:39:38Come on.
00:39:39Let's hear it
00:39:40for Melissa.
00:39:41The best thing
00:39:42to ever come out
00:39:43of Joan,
00:39:44Melissa Rivers.
00:39:50I really didn't
00:39:51want to come up
00:39:52here for three
00:39:52reasons.
00:39:53One,
00:39:54unlike the rest
00:39:55of the people
00:39:55up here on this
00:39:56stage,
00:39:56I'm aware
00:39:57that I'm not
00:39:58a comedian.
00:40:07Two,
00:40:08I haven't had
00:40:08much sleep.
00:40:09I had a terrible,
00:40:10terrible nightmare
00:40:11last night that I was
00:40:12at my mother's funeral.
00:40:14The worst part was
00:40:14I was 75.
00:40:15And three,
00:40:19to be really,
00:40:20really honest,
00:40:21it has hurt me
00:40:21very much to hear
00:40:22you call my mother
00:40:23obnoxious and foul-mouthed,
00:40:26crude,
00:40:27cheap,
00:40:28and loud,
00:40:28and you are all wrong
00:40:30because she is not loud.
00:40:33She was an amazing
00:40:34mother growing up.
00:40:35She taught me
00:40:36everything about life,
00:40:37love, and sex,
00:40:38and I remember
00:40:39so clearly.
00:40:41So clearly
00:40:42when I asked her
00:40:42what's a blowjob
00:40:43and without hesitation
00:40:44she said to me
00:40:4550 bucks,
00:40:45two dinners,
00:40:46and a watch.
00:40:56But the truth is,
00:40:57mom,
00:40:57none of these comedians,
00:40:58no one in this room
00:40:59would be here tonight
00:41:00without you.
00:41:02I love you, mom.
00:41:02Congratulations
00:41:03on this incredible night.
00:41:09Coming up
00:41:10on the roast
00:41:11of Joan Rivers,
00:41:12Gilbert Godfrey.
00:41:13I'm scared of
00:41:14how I'll get roasted
00:41:16by Joey Bishop.
00:41:18Brad Garrett
00:41:18and Joan Rivers.
00:41:20To all of you,
00:41:21even in the bad seats,
00:41:23who are you back there?
00:41:29Our next roaster
00:41:30is no stranger to comedy,
00:41:33just laughter.
00:41:34It's Brad Garrett
00:41:35at 6'8",
00:41:36the biggest joke
00:41:37in show business.
00:41:39Fee-fi-fo-fum,
00:41:41I smell a shitty set
00:41:43to come.
00:41:45Please welcome
00:41:46the comedy
00:41:47Tolacost,
00:41:49Brad Garrett.
00:41:56Wonderful.
00:41:58Great to, uh,
00:41:59great to be here tonight.
00:42:00Uh, Joan,
00:42:01you look amazing.
00:42:02You're a regular
00:42:03Lucy Liu.
00:42:04He says,
00:42:08his f***ing eyes,
00:42:09every time I look at you,
00:42:10I'm ready to order.
00:42:14Look at this dais.
00:42:15Is this unbelievable?
00:42:16I mean,
00:42:16you have to be saying
00:42:17to yourself,
00:42:17is this really the best
00:42:18we could do?
00:42:19The only missing person
00:42:20here is Jared
00:42:21from Subway.
00:42:23I mean,
00:42:23look at these f***ing names.
00:42:25Whitney Cummings
00:42:26hasn't even heard
00:42:27of Whitney Cummings.
00:42:30Brad Geraldo is here,
00:42:32and I think I speak
00:42:33for everyone watching
00:42:34at home when I say,
00:42:34hey, let's see
00:42:35what's on Channel 7.
00:42:38You're kidding me,
00:42:39Greg.
00:42:39It's a nice outfit.
00:42:40Fire in the trailer?
00:42:45The only reason
00:42:46why Tootie
00:42:46from Facts of Life
00:42:47isn't here
00:42:48is because Tom Arnold
00:42:49said yes.
00:42:51Look at you, Tom.
00:42:52Jesus Christ,
00:42:53you got the nervous system
00:42:54of a squirrel.
00:42:55And you're sitting there
00:42:56sweating like a f***ing
00:42:57eating a corn dog.
00:42:58Come on, Arnold.
00:43:03How can you do
00:43:04so much coke
00:43:04and still be
00:43:05that f***ing fat?
00:43:11The only reason
00:43:16Robin Quivers
00:43:16is here tonight
00:43:17is because sooner
00:43:18or later,
00:43:19one of us
00:43:19is going to need
00:43:20turndown service.
00:43:21All she does
00:43:27on Howard Stern's show
00:43:28is interrupt people
00:43:29who are funnier than her.
00:43:30I mean, come on.
00:43:31If I want to hear
00:43:32a black woman
00:43:33step on a laugh,
00:43:34I'll go see
00:43:34The Hangover
00:43:35at a Magic Johnson theater.
00:43:40Come on, Robin.
00:43:46We all know
00:43:46that Quivers
00:43:47is into white guys.
00:43:48We know that.
00:43:49But I have a feeling
00:43:49the only white guy
00:43:50who could satisfy
00:43:51her is Colonel Sanders.
00:43:57And we have
00:43:57the great Carl Reiner.
00:43:59Carl, you were
00:44:00amazing tonight.
00:44:01Too bad you
00:44:01couldn't be here
00:44:02to see it.
00:44:05He's so f***ing old,
00:44:06he's watching me
00:44:06right now
00:44:07in black and white.
00:44:10Not many people
00:44:11know this,
00:44:12but Carl goes way back.
00:44:13He actually owned
00:44:14Robin's grandpappy.
00:44:17True.
00:44:19True.
00:44:20A little slavery
00:44:21history tonight.
00:44:23Carl is 87 years old
00:44:24and he likes to tell
00:44:25everybody what great
00:44:26shape he is.
00:44:27And I saw him backstage
00:44:27and he said,
00:44:28Brad, I may be 87 years old,
00:44:30but I can still
00:44:30touch my toes.
00:44:31I said, yeah,
00:44:31but it doesn't count
00:44:32when you do it
00:44:33with your balls.
00:44:37Gilbert's here.
00:44:38Gilbert is a father,
00:44:39which is unbelievable.
00:44:40He has two kids,
00:44:41which prove that
00:44:42even hookers
00:44:43want children.
00:44:44You put Gilbert
00:44:47next to Jeff Ross
00:44:48and you have the
00:44:48early half
00:44:49of the Evolution
00:44:50of Man poster.
00:44:54And now we come
00:44:55to the wonderful
00:44:56Joan Rivers.
00:44:57Yes, indeed.
00:44:58Joan has been...
00:44:59Hi, baby.
00:45:03Joan has been
00:45:03in show business
00:45:04for 50 years
00:45:05and still going strong.
00:45:06Joan has had
00:45:07her face
00:45:08on more red carpets
00:45:09than an Irish lesbian,
00:45:10ladies and gentlemen.
00:45:11I don't want to say...
00:45:14I don't want to say
00:45:16that Joan is old,
00:45:17but her last pap smear
00:45:18was done by the coroner
00:45:19and it tested positive
00:45:21for dust.
00:45:23Joan,
00:45:24and I know this
00:45:25as a fact,
00:45:25Joan has f***ed
00:45:26more old Jews
00:45:27than Bernie Madoff.
00:45:32Most of you know
00:45:33that Joan,
00:45:34she sells beauty products
00:45:35on QVC.
00:45:37I don't have a joke
00:45:38for that.
00:45:38I just think
00:45:39that it's hilarious
00:45:39in a...
00:45:41in a tragically ironic way.
00:45:43So much for truth
00:45:44in advertising.
00:45:44Huh, Joan?
00:45:45Joan's face
00:45:46has been lifted
00:45:47so many times
00:45:48that when she sneezes,
00:45:49she has to blow
00:45:50her clit.
00:45:56See,
00:45:57you could have said that,
00:45:57Carl.
00:45:58You can come back up here
00:45:59and say,
00:46:00blow her clit!
00:46:02Joan's face
00:46:03has been lifted
00:46:04more times
00:46:05than Bristol Palin's
00:46:07prom dress.
00:46:08Can you say that?
00:46:08Joan?
00:46:13Joan,
00:46:13you're a great comic
00:46:14and I just want to thank you
00:46:15for letting me be part
00:46:16of this tonight.
00:46:17You are truly a legend
00:46:18in your own time
00:46:19and I know that deep down
00:46:20you have a very,
00:46:21very warm heart,
00:46:22your only original part left.
00:46:24And Joan,
00:46:24I know in a different time,
00:46:27maybe in a different world,
00:46:28that you and I
00:46:29could have had a shot
00:46:30if only I was into
00:46:31necrophilia.
00:46:33Congratulations, Joan.
00:46:34We love you.
00:46:35Coming up,
00:46:42Robin Quivers,
00:46:43Whitney Cummings.
00:46:44I'm on Ativan
00:46:45and Xanax
00:46:46and the Nesta
00:46:46and Grey Goose
00:46:47and Aquanet
00:46:48so I don't get nervous.
00:46:49And Joan Rivers.
00:46:51Where are the gays?
00:46:53You're acting like lesbians.
00:46:54I want to see fun.
00:46:55Our next roaster is
00:47:05Robin Quivers.
00:47:06You love Robin.
00:47:07Everyone here arrived by limos.
00:47:09She got here on coattails.
00:47:11That's right.
00:47:12Howard Stern's the reason
00:47:13you subscribe to Sirius
00:47:14and she's the reason
00:47:15you subscribe to antiquated
00:47:17racial stereotypes.
00:47:18Here's Robin Quivers.
00:47:20Here's Robin Quivers.
00:47:20Here's Robin Quivers.
00:47:25Thank you, Kathy.
00:47:33I feel so at home up here.
00:47:36Maybe it's because
00:47:37my show is also hosted
00:47:39by a frizzy-haired loudmouth
00:47:40with a nose job
00:47:42and a tiny penis.
00:47:45Gilbert Gottfried.
00:47:47Actually, Gilbert
00:47:48is the voiceover king.
00:47:49He does the parrot
00:47:50in Aladdin,
00:47:52the duck
00:47:53in the Aflac commercial,
00:47:54and the gerbil
00:47:56in Mario's ass.
00:48:01Please, Mario
00:48:02is so gay
00:48:03he has to do
00:48:04a Brazilian wax
00:48:05for the pubes
00:48:06in his teeth.
00:48:14Carl Reiner is here.
00:48:16I'm so excited.
00:48:17By the way, Joan,
00:48:23if you have a message
00:48:24for Edgar,
00:48:25Carl will be seeing him
00:48:26in a couple of weeks.
00:48:31This man revolutionized
00:48:33the sitcom.
00:48:35Carl, it must have been
00:48:37so hard to top
00:48:39the Dick Van Dyke show.
00:48:41Because you didn't.
00:48:42Greg Giraldo,
00:48:46what a sad,
00:48:48sad career you have.
00:48:50You can't even get
00:48:51a meeting with AA.
00:48:54Don't laugh, Tom Arnold.
00:48:56Your career is so bad,
00:48:58the director's cut
00:48:59of your last movie
00:49:00was him slashing his wrists.
00:49:03Your next film
00:49:05is going to be
00:49:06two girls,
00:49:07one cup,
00:49:08and Tom Arnold.
00:49:12You may not know this,
00:49:13but Brad Garrett
00:49:14has a show on the web
00:49:16called
00:49:16Dating Brad Garrett.
00:49:18Why would anyone
00:49:19want to date
00:49:20a miserable,
00:49:21hateful Jew
00:49:21with a f***ed up face?
00:49:23Oh, sorry, Joan.
00:49:29I'm actually surprised
00:49:30to see all of these
00:49:31people here
00:49:32because, Joan,
00:49:33you're not well-liked.
00:49:34You've been called
00:49:37b***h more times
00:49:38than a white guy
00:49:39serving a life sentence.
00:49:44Actually, Joan,
00:49:45there's no point
00:49:46in trashing your face
00:49:47because your surgeon
00:49:48already did that for us.
00:49:52By the way,
00:49:53loved you in Saw.
00:49:54Your face doesn't move.
00:50:05I can't believe
00:50:06they haven't hired you
00:50:07to host
00:50:08New Year's Rockin' Eve.
00:50:12And your mouth?
00:50:14It looks like
00:50:15you showed the doctor
00:50:15a picture of Kathy's vagina
00:50:17and said,
00:50:18give me this
00:50:18without all the gray hair.
00:50:20In closing,
00:50:27what do you call
00:50:28a woman who's
00:50:28broken down barriers
00:50:30for female comics?
00:50:32A comedian
00:50:32who's entertained us
00:50:34and our families
00:50:35on TV for years?
00:50:36What do you call
00:50:37an icon,
00:50:38a beloved icon
00:50:39that's part of
00:50:40the fabric
00:50:41of this country?
00:50:42You call her
00:50:43Carol Burnett.
00:50:45But we love you
00:50:47anyway, Joan.
00:50:48Good night.
00:50:49All right, everybody.
00:51:01Our next performer
00:51:02is Whitney Cummings.
00:51:04Now, I'm not saying
00:51:05she f***ed someone
00:51:06to get on this dais,
00:51:08but when she saw
00:51:09the couch,
00:51:09she did bend over.
00:51:11Chelsea Handjob.
00:51:12I mean Whitney Cummings.
00:51:15Give it up for Whitney.
00:51:19Keep it going for Chucky.
00:51:26There are so many
00:51:27legendary comedy icons
00:51:29here tonight,
00:51:29but you guys are so old.
00:51:31If this dais had a website,
00:51:32it'd be called
00:51:33Funny or Dying.
00:51:35I don't know
00:51:36if I should be telling jokes
00:51:37or calling out
00:51:38bingo numbers.
00:51:40Carl Reiner,
00:51:41absolute legend.
00:51:43Such a pleasure
00:51:43to meet him.
00:51:44Yeah, if you guys
00:51:47have not seen
00:51:48his body of work,
00:51:49please check it out
00:51:49online at WebMD.
00:51:53Gilbert Godfrey is here.
00:51:54Gilbert, what is
00:51:55with the squinting?
00:51:56Stop looking for
00:51:57Jeff Ross' dick.
00:51:58You're never gonna find it.
00:52:02Gilbert's always been
00:52:03a big inspiration to me.
00:52:04Gilbert, I used to love
00:52:05when you'd do that thing
00:52:06where you would
00:52:06smash watermelons on stage.
00:52:08Speaking of watermelon,
00:52:12Robin Quivers is here.
00:52:16Robin does only sleep
00:52:18with white men.
00:52:19Robin's f***ed
00:52:20so many white guys,
00:52:21Abercrombie and Fitch
00:52:22took out ad space
00:52:23on her taint.
00:52:27Robin's vagina is like
00:52:28the first five minutes
00:52:29of a movie.
00:52:30It's never been seen
00:52:32by a black guy.
00:52:36That's great.
00:52:39Robin Quivers has slept
00:52:41with so many white guys,
00:52:42her hymen hasn't
00:52:43even broken yet.
00:52:49Robin's been hammered
00:52:51so hard, her vagina
00:52:52looks like Seal's face.
00:52:59Speaking of people
00:53:00who make my vagina dry up,
00:53:01Greg Giraldo's here.
00:53:04Greg, the only work
00:53:05you ever get
00:53:06is this roast.
00:53:07No one has any idea
00:53:08who you are.
00:53:09You're like the
00:53:09Jeff Ross of comedy.
00:53:17The only thing lower
00:53:18than Greg Giraldo's
00:53:19ticket sales
00:53:19is Mario Cantone's
00:53:21T-cell count.
00:53:26Mario Cantone
00:53:27is so gay,
00:53:29his safe word
00:53:29is Mario Cantone.
00:53:33Now, stop it.
00:53:34I love Mario Cantone.
00:53:36Okay, we're actually
00:53:37neighbors.
00:53:37I just found that out
00:53:38on Meganslaw.com.
00:53:46Tom Arnold is here,
00:53:47everybody.
00:53:48Tom was on that
00:53:49best damn sports show.
00:53:51Tom is really into sports.
00:53:52In fact, that whole time
00:53:53he was married to Roseanne,
00:53:54she was pitching
00:53:54and he was catching.
00:53:57You and Roseanne
00:53:58were like the original
00:53:59tabloid couple.
00:54:00You guys were like
00:54:01John and Kate
00:54:02plus an eight ball.
00:54:07And now for the amazing
00:54:08Joan Rivers, everybody.
00:54:10Joan Rivers, yes.
00:54:11Come on.
00:54:14Joan, I loved you
00:54:16in The Wrestler.
00:54:26Man, look at Joan.
00:54:29I've always wanted to know
00:54:30what Ivana Trump
00:54:31would look like
00:54:31if she was dating
00:54:32Chris Brown.
00:54:36Joan Rivers
00:54:37has done some TV.
00:54:38I actually recently
00:54:39saw her vagina
00:54:40on an episode
00:54:41of The Deadliest Catch.
00:54:42I can't imagine
00:54:46what that vagina
00:54:46looks like.
00:54:47Joan's vagina
00:54:48is so old
00:54:49it has a separate
00:54:50entrance for black
00:54:51cuss.
00:55:03All jokes aside,
00:55:04Joan, you're my hero.
00:55:06You're my biggest
00:55:06inspiration.
00:55:07It is an absolute
00:55:08honor to be here.
00:55:09Thank you so much
00:55:10for having me.
00:55:10I love you.
00:55:11Thank you so much.
00:55:14Thank you so much.
00:55:20Coming up
00:55:21on The Roast
00:55:22of Joan Rivers
00:55:22Gilbert Godfrey
00:55:24When did you die
00:55:25exactly?
00:55:26Because I wanted
00:55:26to send flowers.
00:55:28And Joan Rivers
00:55:29You look very thin.
00:55:31You look anorexic.
00:55:32Fake breasts.
00:55:36Hi, this is
00:55:37Don Rickles.
00:55:38I am so thrilled
00:55:39to be on
00:55:40The Joan Rivers Roast.
00:55:41And thank you
00:55:42for that money
00:55:42that you're paying me.
00:55:43Oh, boy.
00:55:45Joan, I'm so happy
00:55:46for you.
00:55:47I remember you
00:55:48when you were a guy.
00:55:49And now look at you.
00:55:51With that new
00:55:51plastic surgery
00:55:52and everything.
00:55:53I love the eyes.
00:55:54Do you ever think
00:55:55of living in Shanghai?
00:55:56Have you ever thought
00:55:56of going into the business
00:55:57of selling masks?
00:55:59Masks.
00:55:59And you just walk around
00:56:00and you go Halloween
00:56:01behind a bush
00:56:02and go,
00:56:02little boy.
00:56:03And congratulations
00:56:05on being
00:56:05on it
00:56:07at a roast
00:56:07which means
00:56:08nothing to the world.
00:56:09But I'm glad
00:56:10you're happy with it.
00:56:11This thing
00:56:12is a definite bomb
00:56:13and I'm glad
00:56:14you're in it
00:56:14because it'll
00:56:15keep your chin up.
00:56:17Forget show business.
00:56:18Go to a hospital
00:56:19and get it fixed.
00:56:20Tell them to break
00:56:20the whole thing
00:56:21and start all over.
00:56:22I love you.
00:56:23God bless.
00:56:26Our pal,
00:56:27Don Rickles.
00:56:30All right, everybody.
00:56:30Our final roaster
00:56:32is Gilbert Gottfried.
00:56:33You may have seen him
00:56:34standing exactly
00:56:36501 feet
00:56:38outside an elementary school.
00:56:41Here's the always
00:56:42a little too touching
00:56:43Gilbert Gottfried.
00:56:55Keep it going
00:56:55for Swamp Thing.
00:56:58How lucky we are
00:57:00that Swamp Thing
00:57:01would come shambling
00:57:03out of the swamp,
00:57:04put on a dress,
00:57:06smear on some makeup
00:57:07and host this show tonight.
00:57:10Swamp Thing.
00:57:11Isn't he hilarious?
00:57:16Now, it's great
00:57:17to see Robin Quivers here.
00:57:19Anyone who listens
00:57:21to the Howard Stern Show
00:57:22has heard Robin talk
00:57:25about being molested
00:57:26by her father.
00:57:28She won't shut up
00:57:29about it.
00:57:30She's very proud of it.
00:57:34But what Robin Quivers
00:57:36conveniently leaves out
00:57:38of her delightful anecdote
00:57:40is that even as a kid,
00:57:43she was so ugly
00:57:45that her father
00:57:46would close his eyes
00:57:47and fantasize
00:57:49about her sister.
00:57:51who was no looker herself,
00:57:56if I may add.
00:57:59And when he was done
00:58:01pillaging
00:58:02that homely daughter,
00:58:04he used to whisper,
00:58:06don't tell anyone
00:58:07because he was embarrassed.
00:58:09Oh, the shame
00:58:13that that poor man
00:58:15must have felt
00:58:15having to hide the fact
00:58:18that his molestation standards
00:58:21were so low.
00:58:24You know,
00:58:25there's been a lot
00:58:26of speculation tonight
00:58:28about Joan Rivers' vagina.
00:58:31How old is it?
00:58:33How dry is it?
00:58:34How many men
00:58:37died during
00:58:38its construction?
00:58:42Well, good people,
00:58:44I have had sex
00:58:45with Joan Rivers,
00:58:47and I can tell you
00:58:48from experience
00:58:49that her much-maligned
00:58:51vagina
00:58:52is in fact
00:58:53a glorious thing
00:58:55of unparalleled beauty.
00:58:58It was early
00:58:59in my career,
00:59:00I walked into
00:59:01the green room
00:59:02at Catch a Rising Star.
00:59:04Who do I see
00:59:05the great Joan Rivers?
00:59:07At this point
00:59:08in my life,
00:59:09I'd already had
00:59:10sexual congress
00:59:12with dozens
00:59:13of Joan Rivers
00:59:14impersonators.
00:59:16And most
00:59:17were total gentlemen,
00:59:20like Mr. Mario
00:59:21can tell.
00:59:22But Joan
00:59:25was an animal.
00:59:26She quickly
00:59:27disrobed.
00:59:29Her ashy,
00:59:30yellow,
00:59:31veiny skin
00:59:32was cold
00:59:33and smooth
00:59:34to the touch
00:59:35like a dead
00:59:36Komodo dragon.
00:59:40Which made
00:59:41my young
00:59:42comics
00:59:43custard cannon
00:59:44rock hard.
00:59:47She spread
00:59:48her legs
00:59:49and I was
00:59:49immediately
00:59:50blinded
00:59:51by a flurry
00:59:53of bats.
00:59:56When the bats
00:59:58had cleared,
00:59:59I saw it.
01:00:00The fabled
01:00:01Joan Rivers
01:00:02vagina.
01:00:03It was
01:00:04magnificent.
01:00:05A gleaming
01:00:06pink flower
01:00:07glistening
01:00:08with morning dew.
01:00:10It filled
01:00:11the room
01:00:12with sunshine
01:00:13and rainbows.
01:00:16A unicorn
01:00:16looked out of it
01:00:18winking
01:00:19as if
01:00:20to beckon me
01:00:21inside.
01:00:24Take me,
01:00:25Joan Hiss.
01:00:26Fill me
01:00:27with your
01:00:28seed
01:00:28so I may
01:00:30live
01:00:30another
01:00:31century.
01:00:35She climbed
01:00:37the top
01:00:37two cases
01:00:39of rolling
01:00:40rock
01:00:40and began
01:00:41thrusting
01:00:42her heavenly
01:00:44loins
01:00:44onto my
01:00:46young
01:00:46comics
01:00:47goo bazooka.
01:00:49I shouted
01:00:51take it
01:00:52all
01:00:53my
01:00:53mummy.
01:00:56Then she
01:00:57exploded
01:00:58sending a
01:00:59hot rush
01:01:00of love
01:01:01slime
01:01:02sloshing
01:01:03to the floor
01:01:04where it
01:01:05burned a
01:01:06hole
01:01:06into the
01:01:07sewer below.
01:01:10Spent
01:01:11I fell
01:01:12back with
01:01:13tumbling
01:01:13into the
01:01:14furiously
01:01:15masturbating
01:01:17tarm
01:01:17Arnold
01:01:18only to
01:01:20watch
01:01:20the great
01:01:22Joan Rivers
01:01:23slither away
01:01:24into the
01:01:25open
01:01:26drain pipe.
01:01:31I'll never
01:01:33forget that
01:01:34sight
01:01:34because I
01:01:36haven't been
01:01:36able to
01:01:37open my
01:01:38eyes since.
01:01:39anyway
01:01:52here's an
01:01:52old one
01:01:53Brad Garrett
01:01:55walks into
01:01:56a bathroom
01:01:56he sees
01:01:57a leprechaun
01:01:58taking a
01:01:59piss
01:02:00he grabs
01:02:01a leprechaun
01:02:02and says
01:02:02I've caught
01:02:04you
01:02:04now you
01:02:05have to
01:02:05grant me
01:02:06a wish
01:02:06I want
01:02:07a hit
01:02:08sitcom
01:02:08on Fox
01:02:09and the
01:02:10little
01:02:11fellow
01:02:11says
01:02:12for that
01:02:13you'll
01:02:13have to
01:02:14let me
01:02:14screw
01:02:15you in
01:02:15the ass
01:02:16next thing
01:02:17you know
01:02:18he's
01:02:18banging
01:02:19away
01:02:19at Brad
01:02:21Garrett's
01:02:21gritty
01:02:22bunghole
01:02:23and Brad
01:02:25says
01:02:25I can't
01:02:27believe
01:02:27I'm
01:02:28letting
01:02:29a leprechaun
01:02:30me in
01:02:31the ass
01:02:32then
01:02:33Mario
01:02:33Cantone
01:02:34says
01:02:35I can't
01:02:36believe
01:02:36you thought
01:02:37I was
01:02:37a leprechaun
01:02:38a guy
01:02:50walks into
01:02:51a bar
01:02:51Joan
01:02:52Rivers
01:02:52is the
01:02:53bartender
01:02:54he sees
01:02:55a sign
01:02:55over the
01:02:56bar
01:02:56that reads
01:02:57cheese
01:02:58sandwich
01:02:59a dollar
01:02:59fifty
01:03:00handjob
01:03:01ten dollars
01:03:02he says
01:03:03to Joan
01:03:04Rivers
01:03:04are you
01:03:05the one
01:03:06that gives
01:03:06the hand
01:03:07jobs
01:03:07Joan
01:03:08says
01:03:08yes
01:03:09I am
01:03:10he says
01:03:11well
01:03:11wash
01:03:12your hands
01:03:13bitch
01:03:13I want
01:03:14a cheese
01:03:15sandwich
01:03:16good night
01:03:18coming up
01:03:26Joan
01:03:26Rivers
01:03:27gets
01:03:27her
01:03:27revenge
01:03:27they laugh
01:03:28at 50%
01:03:29it'll be a
01:03:29great show
01:03:30they laugh
01:03:31at 75%
01:03:32it'll be an
01:03:32amazing show
01:03:34the comedy
01:03:35central roast
01:03:36of Joan
01:03:36Rivers
01:03:37is brought
01:03:37to you
01:03:37by Taco
01:03:38Bell
01:03:39and MGT64
01:03:40and now
01:03:42it's time
01:03:43to bring up
01:03:43the man
01:03:44of the hour
01:03:44comedy legend
01:03:45Joan Rivers
01:03:46Chum
01:03:52Chum
01:03:52Chum
01:03:53Chum
01:03:53Chum
01:03:54Chum
01:03:54Chum
01:03:55Chum
01:03:56Chum
01:03:57Chum
01:03:58Chum
01:03:59Chum
01:04:00Chum
01:04:01Chum
01:04:02Chum
01:04:03Chum
01:04:04Chum
01:04:05Chum
01:04:06Chum
01:04:07Chum
01:04:08Chum
01:04:09Bitch
01:04:10I'm just kidding
01:04:10I was like
01:04:11Ow
01:04:11Ow
01:04:12you
01:04:12I want to
01:04:12hook onto your
01:04:13god damn
01:04:13place
01:04:14Oh yeah
01:04:14Shut up
01:04:15I know this
01:04:22must be a roast
01:04:23hello
01:04:24ha ha
01:04:24but let me
01:04:25just tell you
01:04:26something
01:04:26I am
01:04:28disgusted
01:04:29and I am
01:04:31appalled
01:04:32by what I
01:04:33have witnessed
01:04:33here tonight
01:04:34I have been
01:04:35a comic
01:04:35for more
01:04:36than 40
01:04:37years
01:04:3740 years
01:04:38yes
01:04:39and after
01:04:42hearing
01:04:43the
01:04:44filth
01:04:45they came
01:04:45out of your
01:04:46disgusting
01:04:47filthy mouths
01:04:49I am embarrassed
01:04:50for my profession
01:04:52I respect my craft
01:04:54and tonight
01:04:55I watched all of you
01:04:56defile it
01:04:57with vulgarity
01:04:58languages like
01:04:59what was it Carl
01:05:01what did you say
01:05:01c**t sucker
01:05:02and rim job
01:05:04and butt f**k
01:05:05I am ashamed
01:05:06I am ashamed
01:05:07yes
01:05:09no
01:05:10no f**king applause
01:05:11no
01:05:12you took a comedy legend
01:05:16and you destroyed this poor son of a b**ch
01:05:18can you hear that Carl
01:05:21you used to work clean
01:05:24do you remember that at all
01:05:26what did you say tonight
01:05:27f**k
01:05:27you said shit
01:05:29you said c**t
01:05:30you never said that in your routine
01:05:32you say that for home
01:05:33when the synagogue called for money
01:05:34I'm just sick of this
01:05:36for the shame
01:05:38Kenny Griffin
01:05:42yeah
01:05:43my good friend
01:05:44you call yourself
01:05:46the biggest star
01:05:47is that what you said
01:05:48when you come out here
01:05:49the biggest star
01:05:51in this room
01:05:51that's
01:05:52that's calling yourself
01:05:53the thinnest girl
01:05:54in Kirstie Alley's house
01:05:55I mean it's like
01:05:56you know what you are
01:05:59darling
01:06:00you are a thief
01:06:01yes
01:06:02you stole my act
01:06:03you stole my gaze
01:06:05and you stole the face
01:06:07of the Burger King
01:06:08I am not happy with this
01:06:10who else do I want to talk about
01:06:15Robin
01:06:15you were supposed to be in class
01:06:17that's why we booked you
01:06:19oh my god
01:06:21what you said was so true Gilbert
01:06:23about the father
01:06:24oh oh
01:06:25when you do the Howard Stern show
01:06:27every time there's a break
01:06:28she goes
01:06:28oh my father molested me
01:06:30my father molested me
01:06:32take a good look at yourself
01:06:33darling
01:06:34let me tell you something
01:06:35you should be thrilled
01:06:36that that man paid any attention
01:06:38at all
01:06:38I saw you naked backstage
01:06:42bitch
01:06:43you look like a f***ing mudslide
01:06:44I don't even talk about noise
01:06:46I don't even talk about noise
01:06:46I don't even talk about noise
01:06:48I don't even talk about noise
01:06:50I don't know why I'm here
01:06:53Tom
01:06:54let me tell you something Tom
01:06:57I used to have respect
01:06:59you disgusted me tonight
01:07:01you were in Betty Ford more times
01:07:07than Gerald was
01:07:08and it just
01:07:09brings me
01:07:11to Brad Garrett
01:07:13Brad
01:07:13you have the nerve
01:07:15to criticize me
01:07:17the only thing lower
01:07:18than your show's rating
01:07:19is a Carl Reiner's ball
01:07:21show him Carl
01:07:21wake him up
01:07:25and now I guess I have to talk about you honey
01:07:29oh
01:07:30who the f*** are you
01:07:31Whitney came to me all sweet
01:07:38I want you advice
01:07:39I'm a young comedian
01:07:40I want you
01:07:41I'll give you advice
01:07:42I'll give you the same advice
01:07:44I gave to David Carradine
01:07:46hang in there
01:07:47now
01:07:48and speaking of men in fishnets
01:07:55I love that transition
01:07:56what am I going to say to you Mario
01:08:00welcome to the dais
01:08:01Dorothy you're not in Ken's ass anymore
01:08:04you're in the big time
01:08:06you took a s*** last week
01:08:09and Rock Hudson came out
01:08:10who's left
01:08:16Greg
01:08:18when they said to me
01:08:20Greg Giraldo is going to be on the show
01:08:22I said
01:08:23who the f*** is Greg Giraldo
01:08:25and then I thought
01:08:26this is wrong
01:08:26and I went
01:08:28and I googled you
01:08:28and you know what Google said
01:08:29who the f*** is Greg Giraldo
01:08:32but I thank you for coming
01:08:36I know how hard it must have been
01:08:38to get the night off
01:08:39from the Red Lobster
01:08:40which brings us
01:08:47to Gilbert Gottfried
01:08:49I am a 76 year old woman
01:08:54I sat there
01:08:55I haven't got that much f***ing time left
01:08:57your set was longer
01:08:59than Bernie Madoff's prison sentence
01:09:01I mean on
01:09:02open your f***ing eyes
01:09:08the audience is leaving you a**hole
01:09:10sick of you
01:09:14you are loud
01:09:17you are obnoxious
01:09:18you make me ashamed
01:09:20to be Jewish
01:09:21I have become a Jew hater tonight
01:09:23do you know what I'm going to do
01:09:24do you know what I'm going to do
01:09:25when I leave here
01:09:26I am going to go to Malibu
01:09:27and I'm going to give Mel Gibson a blowjob
01:09:30I was going to make an announcement tonight
01:09:47that I was going to retire
01:09:49this was going to be it for me
01:09:50I wanted to spend my golden years
01:09:52with my wonderful daughter Melissa
01:09:54my beloved grandson Cooper
01:09:56I was
01:09:58I love that little shit so much
01:10:06except when I'm wearing a white suit
01:10:08hands off Brandy
01:10:09I was just going to sit back
01:10:15but after tonight's show
01:10:18no
01:10:19no
01:10:20I cannot leave comedy
01:10:21in the hands of these untalented people
01:10:24no
01:10:24comedy
01:10:25comedy
01:10:27and I say this with humility
01:10:28comedy needs me
01:10:30comedy needs me
01:10:31yes
01:10:32yes
01:10:33down
01:10:39down
01:10:41comedy needs Joan Rivers
01:10:43and even more than comedy
01:10:45and I say this
01:10:46America needs Joan Rivers
01:10:48yes
01:10:49America needs Joan
01:10:52will you cue the f***ing flag please
01:10:54thank you
01:10:56America needs Joan Rivers
01:10:58and that is why
01:11:00tonight
01:11:01I swear to you
01:11:03I am going to keep comedy forever going in this country
01:11:07I will not retire if you understand me
01:11:10I plan to be around for the next hundred years
01:11:13just like herpes
01:11:14when you least expect it
01:11:16I will be there
01:11:17as long as there are body parts
01:11:20I will be there
01:11:21I will get arms
01:11:23I will get legs
01:11:24these already are chastity bono's breasts
01:11:27I am going to be there
01:11:28take a good look at this face America
01:11:31give me a close up
01:11:32not that close
01:11:34get back you a**hole
01:11:35this
01:11:37this is the face of comedy
01:11:39and just like our flag behind me
01:11:42this face has been battered
01:11:45this face has been burnt
01:11:47this face has been spat on
01:11:50but I am proud to say
01:11:52just like our flag
01:11:54in its lifetime
01:11:55this face
01:11:56also has had
01:11:5850 stars
01:12:00on it
01:12:01come on Paul
01:12:04let's go home
01:12:06do you remember where you live?
01:12:08thank you all
01:12:09and God bless America
01:12:11and God bless
01:12:13and God bless
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