- 2 months ago
Tv, Allo Allo S8E01 - Arousing Suspicions
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TVTranscript
00:00The Lone Ranger
00:30you see before you a man more worried than usual my young waitress Yvette has
00:37announced that she is pregnant and worse still it appears that I am the father
00:43apparently it came and it was due to an encounter that we had in the broom
00:49cupboard during an air raid I do not remember the exact night between you and
00:55me I do not remember that but Yvette assures me it was the night when the
00:58bangs were at their biggest fortunately my wife Edith does not know who the father
01:06is or she would hit the roof not to mention me if I could escape I would
01:11before as the old French saying goes the bun in the oven it's the fan
01:18meantime my air is liable to fall out overnight with worry if most of it has
01:23not dropped out already I have an uncontrollable urge that is driving me
01:32wild not the broom cupboard again pickles pickles oh it is a desperate craving I
01:41cannot get enough what a surprise here come here give me that these are for the customers
01:48if you want any more there is a big barrel in the kitchen I have already eaten them
01:58oh Rene hold me okay kiss me perhaps later outside if there is a favorable wind blowing
02:11oh I am sorry Rene it is being pregnant that gives me these cravings take a deep breath and
02:18hug me oh Rene what are you doing holding that servant girl in your arms you stupid woman have you
02:32forgotten that this poor innocent child is pregnant she was over pickled if I had not caught her she
02:39would have fallen go into the kitchen eat some dry bread it will soak up the vinegar oh and open the
02:45windows yes oh Rene I am sorry I did not realize she was feeling under the weather yes well it will
02:53pass but in the meantime I think you should be as supportive as possible yes you are right
02:58oh Rene do you not think her pregnancy has brought two people closer together it had occurred to me yes it
03:08is not time you did the honorable thing what after all we have been living under the same roof with
03:15the old village thinking you are my dead husband's twin brother should you not do what everyone expects
03:21how do they know that we are not we could have a second honeymoon even more memorable than the first
03:29well it will take a long time to forget the first good morning good morning I have a massage from Michelle
03:40she has got a bog-powerful buttery why are you telling us this it is for the rudio the old one is very wick
03:50where did she get this buttery from lieutenant grieber's little tonk god we will all get shot while she is not
03:58bringing it here do not weary Ronnie it will be disguised in a minute that will not arouse suspicion
04:05well I must be about my bossness I have a cream to solve
04:09what cream is this who stole the battery from lieutenant grieber's little tonk
04:18something terrible has happened somebody has stolen a battery from my little tank is that all I thought
04:29was something serious like the invasion of some it is serious I thought the French liked us don't be
04:36silly we're Germans oh by the way the general is given permission for officers of my rank to make one
04:42call to their families I've put a call through to my wife Rosa I haven't heard her voice for three years
04:48how I miss her you told me she was boring in fact I never understood why you married her two reasons
04:57I was young and handsome and the second she was the local grumpet
05:03how lonely she must be without me hello who's that Leopold Leopold who ah the gardener from next door
05:17I was to speak to Rosa she's what they'll wake her up she's still in bed
05:26hello guess who this is no no
05:35it's me Eric Eric your husband
05:44what's the gardener doing in our house
05:49oh the window boxes
05:52for a moment
05:55he's putting gromo on what
05:59well if the kettle's boiling I suppose you have to go yes dearest goodbye
06:12everything normal at home I'm afraid so
06:20general upon clink open
06:25heil Hitler heil Hitler
06:29this is just an informal visit I have a little task for you
06:33neutral Spain is sending half a dozen or so flamenco dancers on a goodville tour
06:39they will arrive in Nuvion today see that they are billeted in the town
06:43tonight they will entertain at my chateau
06:45you are both invited we deserve a little divertis mom don't you agree yes
06:51general it will be very welcome excellent oh by the way intelligence
06:58reports maneuvers on a massive scale on the English coast the invasion could be
07:03imminent personally it will be a relief to see some action we can't wait to get
07:08into the thick of it
07:11sooner we get to Spain the better
07:18I'm sorry I forgot to give you this it arrived this morning
07:22oh this will be the message from my friend in Madrid who was going to find the art expert
07:28to value the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies
07:31well what does it say having a lovely time wish you were here Pedro
07:38of course the real message will appear when I hold the postcard over the flame
07:44I'm relieved to hear it
07:46the man you can trust is visiting Nuvion he will be with the touring flamenco troupe
07:52his name is Juan Garcia oh give him a photograph of the painting and a piece of canvas to be tested
08:02if genuine we will find a buyer in Spain
08:05then we can escape and be rich
08:09call herger in
08:11can you spare a moment
08:18you must produce your booby
08:20I beg your pardon
08:23we need to photograph the painting with two boobies for an art expert to assess
08:28well I'm not parting with my booby it is the only security I have to ensure I get a cut of the painting then it is sold
08:35on the other hand I am willing to have my booby photographed but the original will not leave my possession
08:43what?
08:44never mind we can always explain that we could rejoin it should a deal be struck
08:50meanwhile we can photograph the painting with my hand over the missing bit
08:55oh very well
08:57you're dismissed
08:58thank you colonel
09:00here
09:02hold the painting
09:04I've got a camera here somewhere
09:07how will we develop it?
09:11we will commandeer the chemist of course
09:14ah
09:15smile
09:19what is all that banging in?
09:25Michelle of the resistance is removing the old flat battery from under the floor in the attic
09:32its terminals are rusty
09:34my god the old town will hear
09:36you missed a bit
09:38come on
09:39come on
09:40come on
09:41come on
09:42come on
09:43listen very carefully
09:44I shall wheeze this only once
09:47this is the flat battery
09:49the new one will arrive shortly and this will be collected
09:52I cannot have people walking in and out of here with batteries
09:55somebody will report it
09:56the new one is being delivered by Monsieur Alphonse the undertaker
09:59he is taking the risk not you
10:01and now I can reveal a daring plan devised by General de Gaulle himself
10:07the one with the big...
10:08the same
10:09he has decided that we should set up a resistance radio station here in Nouveau
10:15we will broadcast the truth about the war
10:18undermining German morale
10:20and rousing the brave French people to arms in preparation for the invasion
10:24but surely the Germans will track down a radio station
10:27we will move the equipment around the countryside
10:30our broadcasts will be made from different locations
10:32and if somebody sees us broadcasting
10:34impossible
10:35we will pre-record our broadcasts on wax cylinders
10:39and then play them when we are not there
10:41of course
10:42but where do we get these wax cylinders?
10:45the British will drop the cylinders and the Edison recording machine by parachute
10:49the next radio message will tell us when and where
10:52I want no part of this
10:53it's too late
10:54you are already in the schedule
10:56what?
10:57you Nighthawk
10:58we will broadcast Wednesdays after breakfast time with Nanu
11:03what is that?
11:04it is the provisional title for my daily chat show
11:07Nanu is my code name
11:09people cannot listen to propaganda all the time
11:12they need some light relief
11:14perhaps I could sing a song to boost morale
11:19unfortunately madame Edith you have a very distinctive voice
11:22which would give the game away
11:23oh my talent is a blessing and a curse
11:26but more one than the other
11:34you are very quiet Herr Flick
11:36is something bothering you?
11:38I am thinking von Smallhausen
11:40it is vital that we recover the painting of the fallen Madonna
11:44which Helga craftily stole from us
11:46that will not be easy Herr Flick
11:48we do not know where it is
11:50my highly trained intellect tells me
11:53that it is probably hidden in her quarters
11:57I think we should go there and sniff around
12:00that is not possible Herr Flick
12:03Helga lives in a female only hostel
12:06I am aware of this
12:08open the special Gestapo disguise cupboard
12:11and you will find inside
12:13two uniforms for female privates of the German army
12:17we will put on the uniforms
12:19gain access to the hostel
12:21and search Helga's room
12:23that is a fiendishly clever plan Herr Flick
12:26as always
12:27now von Smallhausen
12:29you will notice on my desk
12:31a basket of fruit
12:32which Uncle Heine has sent from Berlin
12:35the connection escapes me
12:37but then most things do
12:40then pay attention
12:42to complete our disguises
12:44we must select the appropriate fruit
12:47for our false bosoms
12:49the grapefruits are not quite ripe yet
12:54perhaps I should have the lemons
12:57I am only small
13:00you forget von Smallhausen
13:04we are posing as German women
13:07we will take the melons
13:09the new battery is in the bottom of the smell Kiffin
13:17put it on the table
13:18and how is this method of transporting batteries
13:23supposed to fool the Germans
13:24because
13:25Antup
13:26is your favourite parrot
13:28the late Roger
13:29but I do not have one
13:32and if I had I would not call it Roger
13:35if I am questioned
13:36I will say
13:37we are taking it to the pet cemetery
13:39for the entourment
13:40well get the battery out
13:42come on
13:43what
13:44what
13:45what
13:46ah
13:47I do not want to worry you
13:49but two German Ephesians
13:51are about to enter the Kiffin
13:53you are on your own
13:54or I shall disappear up the back passage
13:56oh my god we are done for
13:58quick
13:59put the battery on the chair
14:00I did
14:01I did quickly quickly
14:02come along
14:03come along
14:04come along
14:05oh René
14:06is everything all right
14:07we were worried to see a hearse outside
14:09he has come to collect René's favourite parrots
14:13Roger
14:14really I never knew you had one
14:17I kept it in the back room
14:19he looks like he has been gone quite a while
14:22no he popped off today
14:25I am taking it to the pet cemetery
14:28of course
14:29do you pull up a chair
14:30let's have a drink
14:32for some reason there appears to be a 24 volt battery on my chair
14:38I can explain that of course
14:41well explain
14:43well it was like this you see
14:48finally interject
14:50yes please
14:51Monsieur
14:52it is the custom to make sure
14:54the departed have indeed
14:56departed
14:57Monsieur René was trying a last moment attempt at revitalization
15:06using the electric terminals
15:09yes this is true
15:11I had already tried blowing down its beak
15:14what happened
15:15the wind just came out the other end
15:18I was going to have one last go with the battery terminals
15:25let us all pray for Roger
15:28dear Gid
15:30do not let this parrot slop away
15:34if there is still a flicker of loof
15:41so
15:42one final go
15:45at giving a jump start to dear old Rumpcher
15:56well if it wasn't dead before it's dead now
15:59yes
16:01René
16:02yes
16:03this battery has military markings
16:06this is for my little tech
16:08no
16:09yes
16:10I said that man with Wellington boots
16:12the beard the dark glasses and the green bicycle
16:14who sold it to you only ten minutes ago
16:17was a shifty looking character
16:19with such a clear description he will not a scoop the long arm of the loo
16:23do you believe this?
16:28we have the battery colonel
16:32no
16:33it's your decision
16:34René
16:35you will accommodate half a dozen Spanish dancers tonight
16:38could I not just go to jail
16:41they are a touring flamenco troupe who are entertaining tonight at the chateau
16:46send the generals a bill
16:48meanwhile
16:49we will take the battery
16:51girl
16:52do not adjust your suspenders in front of officers
16:55it's quite all right ladies
16:58we are not offended in the slightest
17:00I am off
17:02to the pet cemetery
17:04it seems a very heavy parrot
17:08earlier just at his breakfast
17:11good
17:12Helga is not here
17:14we will search every nook and cranny of her room for the painting of the fallen Madonna
17:17yes
17:18yes
17:19her flick
17:20what are you doing von Smallhausen?
17:22my melons are slipping her flick
17:24I told you your choice of brassiere size was too small
17:28these cantaloupe melons are at least a forty-two B
17:30begin the search
17:31under the bed
17:32what the
17:33what are you doing in my quarters and why are you dressed in this manner?
17:35we are looking for the painting of the fallen Madonna
17:37which you stole from my quarters by cruelly making von Smallhausen which you stole from my quarters
17:41by cruelly making von Smallhausen believe that you loved him
17:42I did believe it
17:43in my sleep I still cry out your name
17:44how do you know if you were asleep?
17:45because it wakes me up
17:46it's quite nice
17:47if you hand it over
17:48I will reward you to the same
17:49as well
17:50as well
17:51as well
17:52as well
17:53as well
17:54as well
17:55as well
17:56as well
17:57as well
17:58as well
17:59as well
18:00as well
18:01as well
18:02as well
18:03as well
18:04as well
18:05as well
18:06as well
18:07as well
18:08if you hand it over
18:10I will reward you generously
18:12how generously?
18:13you will participate in the profit from the sale
18:16and I will take you back into my manly affections
18:20that is a tempting offer hair flick
18:23you are a tantalizingly attractive man
18:26even wearing a skirt and stockings with crooked seams
18:29I know
18:30you may kiss me
18:31I'm already late for my gym class
18:34but I cannot resist you
18:36pull up your melons over your eyes
18:39from Smallhausen
18:40I do not wish you to get excited
18:45this ink is strictly forbidden between privates
18:49you say Major
18:50I sometimes get carried away by my affectionate nature
18:53do you now?
18:55report to my portals this evening after supper
18:58yes Major
18:59dismissed
19:00who are you two?
19:04we are new girls Major
19:06we have been transferred from another division
19:09why are you not in your gym kit?
19:11the exercise class is about to begin
19:13our kit bags have not yet arrived
19:15we will have to miss the class I am afraid
19:17certainly not
19:19I have never seen such puny looking girls
19:22I will soon get you into shape
19:24you will do the class in your underwear
19:27let the exercise begin
19:47ready?
19:48go
19:50go
19:51go
19:52go
19:53go
19:54go
19:55go
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20:18Oh, it is. What is going on? I want to go to the bus room. Hold on, Mama. We are about to talk to London. Hello, Nighthawk. This is London calling. Are you receiving? Over.
20:34Hello, London. This is Nighthawk. Receiving you loud and clear. Pass your message. Over.
20:40René, the flamenco dancers have arrived. And I want to go to the bus room.
20:46Hold on, London, a moment. Give the dancers some drinks and keep them downstairs.
20:51Yes, René.
20:52Sorry about that, London. I was just dealing with some flamenco dancers and my mother-in-law who wants to go to the bathroom.
20:59Look out that code.
21:00No, it is not code. It is a normal day somewhere in France. Now, pass your message. Over.
21:07The equipment you asked for will be dropped this evening at the usual place at the usual time. Over.
21:14What usual place?
21:16This is bluted. Message received and understood. Over and out. Everything is under control.
21:22It's now select finished. I must go to the bus room.
21:30You idiot, Michelle. You have earthed my mother-in-law.
21:45That was good for me, Fanny. How was it for you?
21:48René. I have found the Spanish flamenco dancers in the cellar.
22:00Well, get them out.
22:01I cannot. They have drunk six cases of wine and are all flat out on their backs.
22:05Oh, my God.
22:06I must go and talk to the colonel.
22:07René. Something awful has happened.
22:12Not now, Michelle.
22:13Yes, now.
22:14Well, I just...
22:15The British aeroplane has dropped the equipment.
22:17We have the recording machine, but the parachute bearing the wax cylinders was blown, of course,
22:22and has landed down the chimney of the general's quarters at the chateau.
22:26We can see the parachute sticking out of the tub.
22:28Another cock-up.
22:29Never mind. We can send your small waitress, Mimi, into the chateau.
22:35She can climb up the chimney and retrieve the cylinders.
22:37But the chateau is heavily guarded. How will she get in?
22:41We will dress her as one of the flamenco dancers. They are due to perform that tonight. She can tag along.
22:46Michelle, the dancers are all drunk. They will be going nowhere tonight.
22:51We will take the place of the Spanish dancers and get Mimi into the chateau.
22:54I am having nothing to do with this, Michelle, and that is final.
22:57On one of those cylinders was a personal message to you from General de Gaulle.
23:02It even mentions your name.
23:04It was to be a surprise.
23:06Well, that is a surprise.
23:08Where did you say those costumes were?
23:10In the cellar with the dancers.
23:12Quick, there is not a moment to lose. Follow me.
23:17This is the room we want.
23:27We have not a moment to lose. Mimi, are you ready to climb up the chimney?
23:32I am ready.
23:33This is very dangerous, Michelle. What if the Germans came in and caught us while we are at it?
23:37I will wheat by the deer and keep a lick out.
23:41I will not fail.
23:45Give me a lick up, someone.
23:46I am looking forward to this.
23:51I thought we could all do with a little like relief.
23:54It is Juan Garcia and his troop.
23:56I understand they are quite amusing.
23:59Excellent choice, General.
24:02Have you got the photograph of one and a sample of canvas?
24:07They must surely be ready by now.
24:09Go and see what is keeping them, Goba.
24:11Yes, General.
24:11Lieutenant Grieber is hitting this woo.
24:19My God.
24:21Stay where you are, Mimi.
24:23Veils on everyone.
24:25The General is ready for you now.
24:33Are you one?
24:38Is it anything urgent?
24:39I have what you want.
24:42You can't.
24:44Have you?
24:50Is everybody ready?
24:52Then let's not keep the General waiting.
24:57Rene, you stay here and help Mimi down the chimney.
25:00Yes.
25:01Monsieur Alphonse, are you ready?
25:02Well, it's a long time since I lost her the twang.
25:06But I'll do my best.
25:08Ready?
25:09Then follow me.
25:16Now, did you tell them they are on their way?
25:19It will be hard to know after this whether to applaud that one or give her first aid.
25:40I got the cylinders.
25:51I got the cylinders.
25:52We will hide them down our bosoms.
25:53Good.
25:54Now, let us get to the fire escape.
25:58shouldn't you be entertaining the officers we are just about to then you follow me
26:06i am covered in soot well we will say you are from southern spain
26:28this is for a lady what dark skin some of them have the little one's quite the turn on
26:45what about rosa rosa who granuda i'm feeling under your spiel
26:55and if you could spook what a fascinating tool you would till
27:06of an urge the world has ling forgotten i'm not sure if it was such a good idea after all
27:18an urge that wove the sealant midget in granuda to dee
27:29the next turn head for the door and leg it down the stairs my cylinder is melting
27:38so
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