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00:00Tubeless, Groovy Greeks, Brainy Sages, Neen and Missy Middle Ages
00:03Gory Stories, we do that, and your host a Talking Rats
00:08The past is no longer a mystery, welcome to Horrible Histories
00:15Horrible Histories presents Barbie Battles Special
00:21Is the coast clear?
00:26Oh, that looked nasty
00:29My brothers and sisters and I are in the middle of an epic battle
00:32One of our classic ratty pillow fights
00:35Ah, incoming!
00:37It all started when my sisters invaded my brother's bedroom
00:42That's how real wars sometimes start too
00:44One nation invades another country and tries to take it over
00:48Of course, some of history's invasions went better than others
00:51Chuck!
00:55It started with the Spanish Armada
00:58That huge amount of ships that we sent against the English
01:01I think we made them mad
01:03It did
01:04It made them so mad
01:06It led to
01:07The lesser known Armada
01:09Try and invade us, will you, Spain?
01:12Right now, it's pink time
01:15So, Francis Drake
01:17Your march?
01:19Unleash
01:19The English Armada
01:22Led by Francis Drake aboard his ship, Revenge
01:34180 ships, tens of thousands of soldiers
01:38We shall destroy the Spanish fleet
01:40Attack!
01:41No fleet could match them
01:44Wait!
01:44Instead of their fleet of ships, let's attack the Spanish city of Coruña
01:51But attacking a well-defended city instead of a fleet might not go as well
01:57I wonder if they've conquered Spain yet
01:58Hmm
01:59Okay, might take a bit longer than I thought
02:03Longer?
02:05The winds are blowing in the wrong direction
02:07The men are dying of salvation and sickness
02:09What are you complaining about?
02:10We've still got 5,000 men
02:12Yes, but we started out with tens of thousands of men
02:14That's not ideal
02:16The English Armada
02:18The one you've maybe not heard of
02:21And coming soon
02:23You know, the English Armada
02:25We sent against the Spanish
02:26Because of the Spanish Armada they sent against us
02:28Well, I think they may be planning revenge
02:30No!
02:32Yes
02:32Another Spanish Armada
02:35The Spanish Armada 2
02:37Armada Harder
02:40I'm beginning to think Armadas might be overrated
02:43Yeah
02:44Me and my brothers are losing the battle
02:47So we've turned our bedrooms into a fort
02:49We've built barriers at every entrance
02:51So our sisters can't attack us
02:53We are totally safe
02:56Battles are hard
02:59And it's not just the landscapes that are a problem
03:02Take it down, you lot
03:04Sorry, Mum
03:05Sometimes the people are the problem
03:07William the Conqueror found that out
03:09After he killed King Harold at the Battle of Hastings
03:12He came up against a particularly tricky opponent
03:16Harold's mum
03:18Oof
03:19Hello!
03:24I am King William of England
03:27I know you're in there
03:30We're not scared of you, William
03:32Guys, seriously
03:34I am not okay about this rebellion
03:37I just conquered you
03:39I'm so peeved
03:40I literally just poked this guy's eyes out
03:43There was a whole battle near Hastings, remember?
03:46My rival, King Harold
03:48And all his brothers were killed or captured
03:51I mean, there is literally
03:53There is literally no one else from the royal family
03:56Left to lead you
03:58Move it, sunshine
04:01Cooey!
04:06Oh, for crying out loud
04:08Look who it is
04:08Yeah, what if you hadn't have poked my eyes out?
04:10Oh, sorry
04:11It's the old King Harold's mum, Geetha
04:13Oh?
04:14Yeah
04:15You forgot about mummy, didn't you?
04:20Look, it would be better for everybody
04:23If we ended all this rivalry
04:25And you just surrendered
04:27So
04:28What do you say?
04:32Why's it all gone quiet?
04:33Hang on
04:33Something's happening
04:34Oh, I think he's getting his bum out
04:37Oh, yeah
04:38But why?
04:40Don't worry about it, Your Majesty
04:41Everyone does it when they get nervous
04:43That wasn't me
04:44It was them
04:45Oh, sure it was
04:46That's our answer
04:50The sound of a mother's rage
04:56And by the smell of it
05:00Cabbage
05:03Oh, God, that is strong
05:06Maybe you should go and change your chain mail
05:09It wasn't me
05:10Do you want me to poke something else out?
05:12Yeah, can you start with my nose?
05:13Hit him again
05:16I know you have them surrounded
05:19But maybe it's time we were treated
05:20Yeah, it stinks
05:22That's right
05:24Fear our power
05:27And smell it too
05:30Oh, I could smell that one from France
05:34We'll be back
05:34Right, that's enough
05:37It's been 90 years since Caesar failed to conquer Britain
05:45Roma, as a new emperor
05:47Determined to finish the job
05:49It's gonna take one tough toga wearer
05:51To risk everything in this hellhole
05:54I'm Emperor Claudius
05:55I'm Emperor Claudius
05:55And this is extreme survival
05:58Step one, defense
06:00You're on an island filled with bloodthirsty warriors and druids
06:05Staying alive through the night is going to be a challenge
06:08You're going to need protection
06:09And you're going to need it fast
06:11Look around you
06:12What do you see?
06:14Nothing but trees and dirt
06:15But trees and dirt
06:17With training and basic tools
06:19Can become a fortress
06:20A fortress can keep you alive
06:22When everybody around you
06:24Wants you dead
06:25But what I like to do is
06:27Stay 900 miles away in a row
06:30And let my general Paulinus
06:31And the army
06:32Do the hard work
06:34When you're faced with that
06:36Being somewhere completely different
06:38Is a very effective way of staying alive
06:41Step two, stop rebellions
06:44You've finally arrived in Great Britain
06:46Because the war has already been won
06:47But now you have to win at a peace
06:49And these locals will rebel
06:51At the drop of a helmet
06:52You need to be prepared
06:53And that means using what's around you
06:55Look around you, what do you see?
06:57A stone can be used as a missile
06:59And wood is good for keeping the fire going at night
07:03Staying well lit and armed
07:05Is vitally important in a hostile situation
07:07But what I like to do is
07:09Bring an elephant
07:10It's unlikely the locals will have seen an elephant
07:14What's around they'll say?
07:16And I'll say, that's an elephant
07:18And they'll say, cool
07:19I've never seen one of those
07:20Let's not rebel
07:21Probably
07:22Who cares?
07:23I've got an elephant
07:24I love it when they do that
07:26Extreme elephant
07:28Step three
07:30Conquer more of the island
07:31So you're safer from attack
07:33You've secured the southeast
07:35But it's going to take years
07:37To spread your rule
07:38Across this new and dangerous island
07:39You've got decades of hard work and danger ahead of you
07:43But what I like to do is
07:45Go home
07:46After sixteen days
07:47Let the army do the rest
07:49Going home to Rome
07:50Seriously reduces your chances
07:52Of being killed abroad
07:53And that's
07:54Extreme survival
07:56Let's bounce
07:58I forgot my elephant
08:04Now, Jim
08:07In precisely one minute's time
08:10We're going to march
08:11As British soldiers
08:12Fighting for the East India Company
08:14Into battle
08:15At Syringapatta
08:16How do you like that?
08:17Any chance we can do it tomorrow, Colonel?
08:18No, we cannot do it tomorrow
08:21We're doing it today
08:22Can we have this conversation in the shade, sir?
08:25I think my hat has caught my head
08:26No, we cannot talk in the shade
08:28A British soldier stands where he must
08:31Be that under fire
08:32In the ice
08:33Or in the sun
08:35Is that understood?
08:36He must be very strong
08:40I think their leader just killed a man with his finger
08:42Why are the British wearing such ridiculously hot and thick uniforms?
08:48You're to march into someone else's country
08:49Killing anyone who resists
08:51At least you can do is dress appropriately
08:53We're struggling with the sun, sir
08:55I mean, we all are
08:56We're not used to it
08:56All the fevers
08:57All the water
08:58All the food
08:59Sorry, I've got a dysentery, sir
09:02That was a close one
09:05I don't care
09:06If it's a bit hot
09:08I don't care
09:09If you've got a runny bottom
09:11I don't care
09:13If anyone's got a little bit of fever
09:16Lemons
09:16Badgers
09:17Soup fairies
09:19That's just fever
09:19He's seeing things
09:20Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, wow
09:22I promise I'm trying to keep them in
09:24Can you hear gunfire?
09:27I think some of them soldiers are dropping bottom bombs
09:29They can't handle food with flavour
09:31It goes straight through them
09:32It is a mystery why they keep stealing food from us
09:35When they finally leave
09:37It is going to take an age to clean up after them
09:39And to rebuild all the cities they burned
09:41You lot are a disgrace
09:43Now, you need to be ready to march
09:45March?
09:46I am standing dead still and flexing my bum
09:48If I march
09:50There's going to be carnage
09:52Perhaps you'd like to be excused from battle today
09:55You shower of toilets
09:59The British Empire covers one sixth of the world's land
10:03The British soldiers are feared around the globe
10:05Do you really think a bit of heat gut churning is going to stop us?
10:12That might slow us down actually
10:13Get any new uniform
10:16I just can't believe we're losing this war to these guys
10:20They'll go out eventually. They'll have to. They'll run out of underwear.
10:27We all know the first rule of pillow fights. Pillows only.
10:31But if we're going to defeat my sisters, I'm going to have to get a bit more creative.
10:35So I've emptied the feathers out of this one and put my mate, Freddy the Frog, inside.
10:41Matilda's scared of frogs.
10:46Unfortunately, Freddy's scared of Matilda too.
10:48Come on, she's not that scary.
10:50I guess new weapons for battle are bound to have teething problems.
10:54Just ask this lot.
10:58Sire, I think you'll be impressed.
11:01I've invented a new weapon that will revolutionise hunting.
11:04Oh, exciting.
11:05I started with a small sharpened piece of bone.
11:08But that is tiny. You'll never catch a line with this.
11:11Look. Did that hurt?
11:14Well, a little bit. No, it didn't.
11:16Okay, but I hadn't finished.
11:17You see, next, I glued it to the end of a piece of wood.
11:20Ah, you're wasting your time. Look, this is the smallest spear I've ever seen.
11:24He'll never catch a vicious piece with his child's toy.
11:27Look.
11:28Did that hurt?
11:29It hurt quite a lot, actually.
11:30No, again.
11:31What if I said I could hurl this tiny spear a vast distance and hit a target using this?
11:37Interesting.
11:39Let me have a go.
11:39Ah, useless. This will never catch a leopard. I wouldn't be so sure.
11:48Watch me, sire.
11:52Ooh, impressive.
11:54So, hold it like this.
11:58Right.
12:00Ow!
12:01Oh, sire!
12:02I would have hit the target if he didn't get in the way.
12:04Let me have another go.
12:05I think I'll stand over here.
12:07Okay, this is the one.
12:10Fire.
12:12Oh!
12:14It's broken.
12:15Ah!
12:15Try again, but round the other way.
12:18The other way, yes.
12:20Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
12:20Run away, run away.
12:21This way, run away.
12:24Ah!
12:26Where is it?
12:27Ah!
12:27It's here.
12:29I mean the ball round the other way.
12:31Yes.
12:32Oh, oh.
12:32No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm getting out of here.
12:35Ah!
12:37Boy!
12:38Boy!
12:39Look, it's bound to take a bit of getting used to it.
12:41A bit.
12:42I'm pretty sure I'm getting the hang of this now.
12:44You did it!
12:52Amazing!
12:53You have invented a tool that can fire small spears.
12:56I call it a bow and arrow.
12:59The bow and arrow.
13:02Actually, the other way, but it doesn't matter.
13:07Blue man, blue man, the living toilet who ran from the Middle Ages
13:11With a bucket so that you can have a poop in a private place
13:15Sitting on my bucket with a cape to hide your face
13:19And bum, and when you're done
13:21I won't charge the pending if you did until I want
13:24Blue man!
13:29Nine!
13:30Nine, nine!
13:31Oh!
13:32Greetings, friend.
13:34Who are you and what are you doing on my U-boat?
13:36I am Blue man, the living lavatory.
13:39And you look like a man who needs the little U-boat's captain's room.
13:44Yes, I do.
13:45Well then, I would like to apply for the jobies.
13:48We have a toilet.
13:50I'm meeting the engineers there now.
13:52Engineer?
13:52Yeah.
13:53Flashing the boat's toilet is very complex
13:55And only a specially trained person can do it.
13:59I'm intrigued.
14:01It is ready for you, captain.
14:02Oh, thank goodness.
14:06Oh, torpedoes ahead!
14:09Oh, there we go.
14:11Tell me, mind, find, do you call them the captain's logs?
14:14Oh, this is the best!
14:16Sorry, Lou man.
14:17A pleasure to meet a fellow Poo-fessional.
14:20Feel better?
14:21Oh, yes.
14:24I'd give it froomf, if I were you.
14:26Yes, captain.
14:26You may flush when ready, engineer.
14:29I got it, captain.
14:30Hello.
14:30Right, sir.
14:32Right.
14:33Hello.
14:34Goodness, yeah, my setup's a lot simpler than yours,
14:36if you want me to take you through it.
14:38Ah, nein, danke.
14:39Please do not disturb me.
14:41I must turn these levers and valves in exactly the right order,
14:45otherwise this seawater will flood into the vessel.
14:49Okay, yeah, cool.
14:51And out of interest,
14:53how many buckets worth of bum blackwurst is this baby stored?
14:57Well, actually, this sub does not store its poop.
14:59Instead, we fire turd beagles into the ocean with compressed air.
15:04Oh, love it!
15:07Hello!
15:07What's happened?
15:08Has he done a float, sir?
15:10Oh, no.
15:12I've implemented the wrong sequence.
15:13The toilet is filling up with sea warts and the captain's logs.
15:16Oh, you do call them the captain's logs, sir.
15:18Captain, the toilet switch has leaked into the ship's batteries
15:20and the sub is filling with poisonous gas.
15:23We must surface.
15:23An abandoned ship!
15:25Abandon ship!
15:27Code brown!
15:28Abandon ship!
15:29Abandon ship!
15:32Two years to bucket.
15:33Well, Dr. Skinner,
15:39we're hoping you've come up with something
15:40that will help us to defeat the Nazis.
15:42Gentlemen, I believe I have.
15:44A massive advance in missile accuracy.
15:48Piloted missiles.
15:50Piloted?
15:51Then who would be stupid enough
15:52to pilot a missile that was going to explode?
15:56Gentlemen, meet your new pilot.
15:58You want a pigeon to fly the bomb?
16:08Of course not.
16:10I want three pigeons to fly the bomb.
16:13Gentlemen, each pigeon
16:15harnessed inside the missile
16:16has been trained to peck at the target
16:19when they see it.
16:20This pecking transmits a signal
16:22via the bird's beak
16:23which controls the bomb's tail fins
16:25and directs it towards the target.
16:28Oh, nein!
16:29You've destroyed my Nazi battleship!
16:32Who'd have suspected a pigeon?
16:34Oh, somebody give Skinner a promotion!
16:37Are we being pranked?
16:38Do you want us to entrust the war to birds?
16:42These are no ordinary birds, sir.
16:44My pigeons are graduates
16:46of the Skinner School of Aviation.
16:48You created a flying school for pigeons.
16:50Well, they're not going to train themselves, are they?
16:53Who is this guy?
16:55Let me show you something.
16:56What are you doing?
16:59A demonstration, sir.
17:01Each pigeon has been trained
17:02to ignore the distractions of war.
17:05My eyes!
17:07My eyes!
17:09See?
17:10It didn't even flinch!
17:11Thank you, Dr. Skinner.
17:12We have heard enough.
17:14I'm sorry to disappoint you,
17:15but it's a terrible idea.
17:16I'm sure implementing your pigeon plan
17:19would have been a real coup.
17:21And I don't want you to get in a flap,
17:23but it's time for you
17:25and your pigeons
17:27to take off.
17:29Hey,
17:30where'd that pigeon go?
17:31I told you
17:36they were trained
17:36to hit enemy targets.
17:40Being in a battle
17:41is exhausting.
17:42Thankfully,
17:43Mummus
17:43has brought me
17:44a cheese sandwich
17:45to keep me going.
17:46And I think she might be
17:47supplying the enemy to you.
17:48Girls!
17:49Sandwiches are ready!
17:51Pick a side, Mummus!
17:53I shouldn't be surprised, though.
17:54Mums have been helping
17:55their children in battle
17:56throughout history.
17:57Although,
17:58I'm glad my mum
17:59isn't a Spartan one.
18:01Spartan soldiers
18:02are some of the toughest
18:04in the world.
18:06The only thing tougher than them
18:08Come on, you mackers!
18:09are their mums.
18:11Get up!
18:12Sit up!
18:12This is Spartan Mums.
18:15Are you tough enough?
18:17I'm on!
18:19Tell me something.
18:20Do you want to be
18:21in the Spartan army?
18:23Yes, Mummy!
18:23Yes, Mummy!
18:24What did you say?
18:25Yes, Mummy!
18:26Drop down and give me
18:27three hundred!
18:28Mm-hmm.
18:29They're good boys,
18:30but they need to grow a spine.
18:32I mean, they're Spartans!
18:33They need to learn
18:34to be as tough
18:34as their mothers.
18:35And believe me,
18:36we need to be tough
18:37to raise sons
18:38as tough as Spartans.
18:39Can I get up now?
18:40Did I say you could speak?
18:42Sorry, Mummy!
18:43I meant to send you
18:44pathetic babies
18:45out to fight for us.
18:46Do you want to go to battle?
18:48Or will you come
18:49running home to your mummy?
18:50No, Mummy.
18:51No, Mummy!
18:52A coward!
18:53I should have left you
18:54outside on the hill
18:55like your other brother.
18:56What other brother?
18:59Exactly.
19:01What Mummy wants,
19:02Mummy gets.
19:03Or you die.
19:05Attention!
19:06Let me look at you.
19:08Oh, you don't want us
19:09to get naked again,
19:10do you?
19:10That is the best way
19:11to assess your physical fitness.
19:13But no,
19:14not this time.
19:15Oh, that's a shame.
19:17I've been working on my abs.
19:18Shields!
19:21Shields!
19:24These are your shields.
19:26You carry them into battle.
19:28You return with them
19:29or on them.
19:30Oh, like a sledge.
19:31No, like a stretcher.
19:33Dead, dummy.
19:35Shame about the sledge.
19:37That sounded fun.
19:38Oh!
19:39Oh, I weed.
19:41I weed.
19:41I'm sorry, Mummy.
19:43No, can't do this.
19:44You are a disgrace!
19:49The three gruelling weeks
19:50are over.
19:51This is the end
19:53of the beginning
19:54of their training,
19:56which will last
19:57for many years to come.
19:58I want my Mummy!
20:00Markadamas!
20:02I know.
20:03Drop will give you 300.
20:05One.
20:06Two.
20:07Two and a half.
20:08Oh, it hurts, Mummy!
20:09Even count me that one.
20:10Dearest Edward,
20:13Mummy here.
20:14I do hope this letter
20:16finds you well,
20:17despite this silly civil war.
20:20Not much to report
20:22from here at home.
20:23Apart from missing you
20:24and Daddy, of course,
20:26I do feel so safe
20:27with our own soldiers
20:28here to protect us.
20:30Lady Holly!
20:31Siege!
20:31Siege!
20:32We're under attack!
20:33Carry our positions, men!
20:35We will not let our home
20:36fall defend her at all!
20:38Ah, sir!
20:39I do hope
20:41you are looking after Daddy.
20:43I'm so proud of you both
20:45for defending
20:46our Puritan values
20:47against the
20:48Royalist Scum!
20:50As some
20:51mean people
20:52like to call them.
20:53The bells!
20:54The bells!
20:55They're taking the bells!
20:56Not on my watch!
20:57Hit them with everything
20:58we've got!
21:04Oh, I've been hit!
21:05Ooh, cake!
21:09I was
21:11going to send you
21:12a cake
21:13to make you think
21:14of her
21:15fuck!
21:23Eat musket balls, losers!
21:26I prefer the cake!
21:27I seem to have run out of cake!
21:31Love and snuggles!
21:34Mummy!
21:34We did it!
21:37We did it!
21:38They're retreating!
21:38Who's the mummy?
21:40It's me!
21:41It's me!
21:42Right!
21:43Be alive and
21:43sneak this past the enemy,
21:46would you?
21:46Move!
21:47Move!
21:47Move!
21:47Move!
21:48I don't know how long
21:52we can keep
21:52this battle going.
21:53I'm exhausted!
21:55Also, we're running
21:56out of pillows.
21:57We've only got
21:58three left.
22:00We've only got
22:01two left.
22:02Luckily, people
22:03in history
22:03have had all sorts
22:04of inventive ways
22:05to stop war
22:06and find peace.
22:08And one of the
22:09more surprising ways
22:10is
22:11marriage!
22:12That one
22:14was my favourite!
22:18They say
22:19there is
22:19a wafer
22:20thin line
22:20between love
22:21and hate.
22:22So,
22:23is it any wonder
22:24that when
22:24two warring
22:25rivals
22:26look for peace,
22:27it is
22:27l'amour
22:28that shows
22:29the way?
22:30Pharaoh
22:31Ramesses II
22:32is looking
22:33for love
22:33or an end
22:35to war,
22:35one of the two.
22:37I hope I like her.
22:38I hope my wife
22:39likes her as well.
22:40Hey,
22:41do people
22:41normally bring
22:42their wives
22:42on dates?
22:43Serious question.
22:44You don't mind,
22:45do you?
22:46Yeah,
22:47she don't mind.
22:48Okay!
22:50His date
22:51is the eldest
22:52daughter
22:52of the king
22:53of the Hittites.
22:54You must be
22:55Ramesses II.
22:56My name is...
22:57I don't care
22:57what your name is.
22:58I'mma call you
22:59Mafornaferah.
23:01It means
23:01she
23:02who beholds
23:03the falcon
23:04that is the
23:05visible splendor
23:06of Ra.
23:08Yeah,
23:08right,
23:09I'm with you
23:09with names,
23:09isn't it?
23:10Is he allowed
23:11to do that?
23:12I mean,
23:12I know he's
23:13a pharaoh
23:13and I've heard
23:14he can do
23:14whatever he likes,
23:15but is he
23:15literally allowed
23:16to change my name?
23:17Things are off
23:17to a bad start
23:18because while
23:19Ramesses is
23:20pharaoh of the
23:20Upper Nile,
23:21he's on this
23:22occasion also
23:23king of the
23:23utter vile.
23:24Hi,
23:25you need some
23:25oil babes?
23:26No thanks,
23:27babe.
23:27Apologies,
23:28my bad.
23:29You need
23:29some oil babes.
23:31Huh?
23:31Who's like,
23:31no,
23:32what,
23:32stop that!
23:33What are you
23:34doing?
23:35The oil is there
23:36to banish the
23:36netherworld and
23:37keep you safe
23:37from evil.
23:38You're welcome.
23:39I know that
23:39ditching the state
23:40could restart a war
23:41between our kingdoms,
23:42but right now,
23:43that seems like a
23:44price worth paying.
23:44Hey,
23:45hey,
23:45look,
23:45look,
23:45look,
23:46we both know
23:47that our marriage
23:48is just there
23:49to keep the peace.
23:50But look,
23:51let's just put all
23:52of that aside,
23:53yeah?
23:53Let's just talk
23:54about our hopes
23:56and our dreams.
23:58I'd like that.
23:59So how much
24:00am I getting?
24:00Huh?
24:02Think of world peace,
24:03think of world peace.
24:04It's called a dowry.
24:05The dad has to give me
24:06a load of stuff
24:06when I marry her.
24:07Oh,
24:08it's a standard thing
24:09at regular weddings,
24:10let alone ones being
24:10arranged to end a war.
24:12Ain't that right?
24:13I got bear coins
24:14off of these,
24:15love.
24:15So I get the gold,
24:16yeah?
24:16The silver,
24:18the slaves,
24:18the horses,
24:20and the cows.
24:20Is that all?
24:21And me,
24:22of course.
24:23Ha,
24:23ha,
24:23yeah,
24:24of course.
24:25Ha,
24:25ha,
24:25how can I forget that?
24:27That's mad.
24:28I'm going to put you
24:28down under the horses.
24:30And they say
24:30romance is dead.
24:32So do you think
24:32you'll see each other again?
24:34Sure.
24:35I mean,
24:36we'll have to,
24:36innit?
24:36Ha, ha, ha.
24:37If we don't get married,
24:39then the war between
24:40our rival kingdoms
24:41may well start up again.
24:42Psh,
24:43bruh,
24:43ain't got no choice.
24:44The words every Brad
24:45longs to hear.
24:46Don't worry,
24:47babes,
24:47we'll look after you.
24:48There you go.
24:49Wives,
24:50less guy.
24:51It's a lonesome
24:52little girl.
24:52Oh,
24:53oh,
24:53oh,
24:54just ignore him.
24:55What are you doing?
24:56Yeah,
24:56I'll catch you back
24:57at the palace.
24:59Yeah,
24:59you know,
25:01I might have to be back
25:01next week
25:02because five wives
25:03ain't enough,
25:03you know what I'm saying?
25:04Ah,
25:04you know what I'm saying?
25:05The dust has settled
25:11on our final battle.
25:12We all decided
25:13to put aside
25:14the pillows of war
25:15and lead a peaceful life.
25:18Because Dad has said
25:19if we didn't,
25:20he'd sell the telly.
25:21Yes,
25:22war is never the answer.
25:24Unless the question is
25:25three-letter word,
25:26beginning with W,
25:27English civil what.
25:28Of course,
25:29in the English civil war,
25:30Oliver Cromwell's motto
25:32was peace through war.
25:34But my dad says
25:35that's nonsense
25:35and he might be right.
25:37Things didn't work out
25:38so well for Cromwell.
25:40Mm-mm-mm.
25:41Civil war!
25:43Huh!
25:44What was it good for?
25:47Monarchy abolished.
25:50Civil war!
25:52Huh!
25:53What was it good for?
25:55Royalty demolished.
25:58Once we'd won
25:59and Charles lost his head,
26:01we became a Commonwealth instead.
26:03My new model army fought
26:04for the cause,
26:05I crushed rebellion
26:06and report laws.
26:08This old parliament
26:08became Lord Protector,
26:10like a king
26:11but without a crown of scepter.
26:12Protectorate was now
26:13what we were called
26:14with a jolly little motto,
26:15peace through war.
26:16Civil war!
26:18Huh!
26:19What was it good for?
26:21What was it good for?
26:22Monarchy disbanded.
26:24Civil war!
26:27Huh!
26:28What was it good for?
26:30High power expanded.
26:32England and Wales
26:34It's twelve little bits
26:36It didn't work out
26:37Had to call that quince
26:38Thought making me king
26:39would be the solution
26:40But I stayed Lord Protector
26:41with a new constitution
26:42Didn't last long
26:43Death was my fate
26:44So son and heir
26:45Stepping up to the plate
26:46It was a tough act
26:47to follow
26:48The great dictator
26:49The army forced me out
26:50a year later
26:51Civil war!
26:53Huh!
26:54What was it good for?
26:57Monarchy diminished.
27:00Civil war!
27:01Huh!
27:03What was it good for?
27:05I thought we were finished.
27:08But all the while
27:10I'd been in exile
27:12Banished from my home nation
27:16Then I got the call
27:19They'd had enough of war
27:21And so began the restoration
27:24I'd pardon crimes
27:27From civil war times
27:28I'm back
27:29What's not to lie?
27:30Well they dug me up
27:32Cut me up
27:33And put my head on a spank
27:35Civil war!
27:37Who was it good for?
27:40Don't get me started
27:42Civil war!
27:46Who was it good for?
27:49Right, now where's the party?
27:51To be here!
27:51Who was it good for?
27:53Who was it good for?
27:54No one could win
27:55not to be
27:56Or who was it good for you
27:57So don't get me
27:58islands
27:58Oh!
27:58How was it good for?
27:59You know...
27:59You know...
28:00I need to do it for the party
28:00But the party
28:01It's not good for me
28:01I need to do it for you
28:02Thank you
28:02You know...
28:02You know...
28:02You know I don't know
28:03You know that
28:03I don't know
28:04You know I do
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