Saturday Night Live - Season 51 Episode 05- Nikki Glaser - sombr
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00:00:00Hello. I'd like to thank President Trump for having us. Those of us from the pharmaceutical
00:00:18industry are honored to be here today alongside RFK Jr. and Dr. Oz.
00:00:25We're going to discuss lowering the price of weight loss drugs. For years, my company,
00:00:32Eli Lilly, has been at the forefront of providing Americans with... is he...
00:00:38Oh no! Oh, hi. Didn't see you there. Someone was dying in my office. I think I'm playing
00:00:50this very normal. Just stand there and stare like a sociopath. Didn't even pretend like
00:00:56I was going to help, like when someone drops something and you do the fake bend, you know?
00:01:00Oh, here, let me help you. Pick that up. Oh, you got it? Oh, you got it? Oh. And how about
00:01:05RFK? Booked it out of here like someone was trying to give him a vaccine. Brainworm, take
00:01:11the wheel. That thing kind of ratatouille'd him right out of the room. Each week, I like
00:01:17to create a big visual that sort of sums up how things are going. Last week, it was
00:01:22the demolishing of the East Wing. This week, it's a medical professional almost dying in
00:01:27my Oval Office at the mere thought of charging less for drugs. Maybe next week, a bald eagle
00:01:32will fall dead out of the sky and splat right on the White House lawn. And by lawn, of course,
00:01:37I mean big outdoor concrete floor. How's he doing back there? More importantly, how's the floor?
00:01:44Okay? A guy collapsing in the Oval Office. Who'd have thought it'd be not me?
00:01:50Don't worry. You'll be fine. Dr. Oz is on the case.
00:01:54Anyway, all in all, a great capper to an awesome week, except for election. The Democrats won.
00:02:01The lamestream media called the elections a rebuke of Trump's policies. Joke's on them.
00:02:06They're Stephen Miller's policies. I don't read that stuff.
00:02:09No likey-ready. Can't believe they elected Mamdani. We like to say Mamdani. You know I'm
00:02:18toward because I like a winner, but I'm not crazy about a Muslim. Maybe he'll convert, right?
00:02:23We'll put him in line behind Urshavance, and I hope I'm pronouncing that wrong.
00:02:28But our side had some wins this week, too. Supreme Court said we could stop feeding poor people.
00:02:33You can clap for that. Snap! Snap!
00:02:39And for those of you who can afford food, actually, no, you can't.
00:02:43I promised grocery prices would plummet, and they did. They plummeted straight up.
00:02:49And people are saying, but sir, how will I afford my Thanksgiving turkey for my family?
00:02:54Well, good news is your family's not coming because all the planes are gone.
00:02:57We call that problem-solving problem. Killing two birds with another bird.
00:03:04Now you got a bunch of crazy birds. But we like it. We like it. That's kind of our thing.
00:03:08Can't afford food? Have some cheapo-zimpic.
00:03:11Now you're not hungry, and you get to take one weird, painful poop a week.
00:03:16How's he going back there? Is he dead?
00:03:18Oh, they're doing the... They got the legs up. That means dead in cartoon.
00:03:24Actually, don't tell me if he's dead. I want to be surprised.
00:03:26Anyway, government is still shut down, all thanks to the Democrats and some Republicans and all Republicans and me.
00:03:34People say, just cave down. Give the Democrats what they want and end this.
00:03:38But I think we're going to drag it out. We're going to keep the government shut down.
00:03:41And while we're at it, we're looking into perhaps stealing Christmas.
00:03:44We'll be doing Grinch. I like the Grinch. He's a great guy.
00:03:48You know, our wives are friends. We play golf sometimes.
00:03:51Is he okay? He's okay. All right.
00:03:52Well, if you're going to take him to get an MRI here, use this.
00:03:56This is my punch card.
00:03:58One more, and the next one's free.
00:04:00And for anyone worried about the state of the country,
00:04:02I'll say the same thing I said to Melania when she tried to help me do my hair.
00:04:07Go away. What I'm doing is very complicated, and only I know how to do it.
00:04:11And live from New York, it's Saturday Night Live.
00:04:14It's Saturday Night Live with...
00:04:24Michael Chang!
00:04:32Mikey Day!
00:04:34Andrew Dismukes!
00:04:41Andrew Dismukes!
00:04:50Chloe Vonman!
00:05:01Marcelo Fernandez!
00:05:02James Austin Johnson!
00:05:07James Austin Johnson!
00:05:16Colin Jost!
00:05:22Sarah Sherman!
00:05:28Keenan Thompson!
00:05:29Bowen Yang!
00:05:34Featuring...
00:05:36Tommy Brennan!
00:05:38Jeremy Colhey!
00:05:40Dan Marshall!
00:05:42Ashley Padilla!
00:05:43Ashley Padilla!
00:05:44Cam Patterson!
00:05:45Veronica Slowikowska!
00:05:49Jane Wickline!
00:05:50Jane Wickline!
00:05:54Musical guest Zomber!
00:05:55Aslee Padilla!
00:05:56Aslee Padilla!
00:05:57Aslee Padilla!
00:05:58Cam Patterson!
00:05:59Veronica Slowikowska!
00:06:00Jane Wickline!
00:06:01Aslee Padilla!
00:06:02Aslee Padilla!
00:06:03Cam Patterson!
00:06:04Aslee Padilla!
00:06:05Aslee Padilla!
00:06:06Aslee Padilla!
00:06:07Aslee Padilla!
00:06:08Aslee Padilla!
00:06:10Julie Padilla!
00:06:11Jane Wickline!
00:06:12Aslee Padilla!
00:06:13Aslee Padilla!
00:06:14Aslee Padilla!
00:06:15Aslee Padilla!
00:06:16Musical guest, Somber
00:06:21And your host, Nicky Glazer
00:06:26Ladies and gentlemen, Nicky Glazer
00:06:46Thank you, thank you, thank you so much
00:07:00Hi, I am Nicky Glazer and I am so happy to be here tonight
00:07:04This is truly a dream come true
00:07:07I love this show so much
00:07:09And here I am in New York City, Epstein's original island
00:07:13It's such a special night, I got a spray tan tonight
00:07:19Thank you, it deserves that, thank you
00:07:22There's so many pasty white girls who are, like, terrified to get spray tans
00:07:26Because you're scared, you're like, I'm gonna look orange
00:07:29And I, just believe me, I promise you, I promise you
00:07:33It's better than what you are, okay?
00:07:36Don't be scared, they're always like, I'm gonna look like Trump
00:07:39I'm like, bitch, that's why he won
00:07:41I mean, yeah, he picked an insane shade
00:07:44He went pretty dark
00:07:46I mean, he didn't go Kamala
00:07:48But he picked a shade that half of America was like
00:07:51Okay, we can still tell he's white
00:07:52So, I mean, it is kind of insane that white people can just, like, paint their skin a different color
00:07:58And they're like, this is cool, right?
00:08:00Like, I feel like that's cultural appropriation
00:08:03I don't know, I mean, it's not blackface
00:08:06But it is, like, Guatemalan leg
00:08:08I mean, this is not my leg
00:08:10I'm like, oh my god, Miyamo is Nikki
00:08:14Look at that
00:08:15Am I saying that right?
00:08:17I get these spray tans
00:08:18I breathe this stuff in every week
00:08:20I am definitely gonna get some kind of respiratory illness from it
00:08:23I think in, like, 20 years
00:08:25There's gonna be some epidemic called tan lung
00:08:27And I really wanna be on the commercials for the class action lawsuit
00:08:32I think that's, like, such a good gig
00:08:33I just, it'll be so fun for you, too
00:08:36You'll turn on your TV in the middle of the night and be like, who is that?
00:08:39And I'll be like, I'm Nikki Glaser
00:08:40You may recognize me from the roast of Tom Brady
00:08:44It'll be, like, me and Snooki
00:08:47Like, that's fun
00:08:48Just talking through our trachs
00:08:51RFK junioring out
00:08:53Like, he's got tan lung
00:08:55I mean, that's
00:08:56He's stage two
00:08:58I don't know
00:08:58I'm no health expert
00:09:00But neither is he
00:09:01I mean, it's just crazy
00:09:04We have to worry about our looks so much
00:09:06And it starts so young as a girl
00:09:08I mean, I saw this girl the other day
00:09:10She was probably six years old
00:09:11And her dad was trying to take a picture of her
00:09:13And he was like, Mackenzie, look over here
00:09:15And she was like, Dad, get my good side
00:09:17She, like, did, like, a poll, like, good side
00:09:20Six
00:09:20So sad
00:09:22Because she didn't have one
00:09:23And it's like, when is she gonna find out?
00:09:26She, like, needs to learn a trade
00:09:27You know, like, hand her a wrench
00:09:30Or do comedy
00:09:31I don't know
00:09:32I, uh, I just think there's so many things we do for beauty
00:09:35That are important
00:09:36But then there's other ones that I'm like
00:09:38Why are we doing this?
00:09:39Like, who cares?
00:09:40Like, nails?
00:09:41No one cares
00:09:42Like, I've been with my boyfriend for ten years
00:09:44He's never once noticed that I've gotten my nails done
00:09:46And they go inside him
00:09:47So if he doesn't care
00:09:49Who does?
00:09:51The only time he cared was when I got them bedazzled for his pleasure
00:09:56And then he loved them
00:09:58And going to the nail salon, it's so boring
00:10:02It's such a waste of time
00:10:03You just sit there for two hours, just paralyzed
00:10:06I feel like men think we go to the nail salons, like, with our girlfriends
00:10:09And we just, like, chit-chat the whole time
00:10:10But that's not the case
00:10:11You can go to the nail salon with a friend
00:10:13But you get separated at the border
00:10:15They do not let you sit next to each other
00:10:17It's so antisocial
00:10:18You're just sitting there watching Beat Bobby Flay on mute
00:10:21You can't talk to the woman doing your nails
00:10:25Because slavery
00:10:26I mean, I don't know
00:10:27She seems stuck and sad
00:10:30I don't, I don't know
00:10:32I think I'm just paranoid
00:10:33I'm just kind of, like, obsessed with slavery recently
00:10:36Because every time you go to a women's restroom
00:10:40A public women's restroom
00:10:41And you sit in the stall
00:10:42There's always a poster on the back of the stall
00:10:44That's asking you if you're being trafficked
00:10:46Women, we have these, right?
00:10:48Yes
00:10:48Yes
00:10:49They're in every stall
00:10:50They're in every world language
00:10:52I mean, English is really tiny
00:10:53And it's like, you wish
00:10:54But it's like
00:10:55Men's, men's restrooms do not have these signs
00:11:01I don't know what signs you have
00:11:02Maybe, like
00:11:02Do you have signs that are like, want a slave?
00:11:04Like, text traffic to 6969
00:11:07But it's really a big fear of being trafficked
00:11:12Mostly for, like, Gen Z girls
00:11:13I have a lot of Gen Z friends that I bought
00:11:16And they're terrified
00:11:18And I don't relate
00:11:20I'm 41
00:11:21That was, like, not a fear of mine ever in my 20s
00:11:24In my 20s I just feared, like, good old-fashioned rape
00:11:27You know?
00:11:27Like, I didn't think it would be a career
00:11:29We didn't think it was anything more than a temp job
00:11:33On a Fred House futon
00:11:34But it's real, though
00:11:37I'm getting scared
00:11:38Like, it's rubbing off on me
00:11:39Like, I was out with them recently
00:11:40And I was like, what if we get trafficked?
00:11:42And they're like, you're good
00:11:43And I'm like
00:11:44They're like, we're safer when you're with us
00:11:48Because they think you're our madam
00:11:50So
00:11:51You have, like, resting Jelaine face
00:11:53So just keep that up
00:11:54I'm like, what?
00:11:57I'm gonna get it fixed
00:11:58I'm gonna get a facelift pretty soon here
00:12:00And my boyfriend doesn't want me to
00:12:02He's like, no, don't do your face
00:12:04I love your face
00:12:05Do your tits
00:12:05And I'm like, what?
00:12:08That's all he cares about
00:12:09He's a short guy
00:12:10So they're, like, all he sees, I think
00:12:12I think that's why he's focused on them
00:12:14I do date a short guy
00:12:16He's shorter than me
00:12:17But he's, like, really hot
00:12:18And I honestly think that's why I got him
00:12:20Because I could never get his face
00:12:22On a taller model
00:12:23Like, if you want to get a 10 in the face
00:12:25You gotta go 5'7 in the height
00:12:27That's the trick
00:12:28It's like getting a hot guy on discount
00:12:30He's marked down
00:12:31I met my boyfriend at TJ Maxx
00:12:34Clearance rack
00:12:35He was hiding in it
00:12:36It's crazy
00:12:39Sometimes I'll post a picture of us online
00:12:40And I'll get comments of, like
00:12:42Girl, he's hot
00:12:43Like, how'd you get him?
00:12:44And I'm like, if you zoomed out
00:12:45You'd see he's sitting on my lap
00:12:47So this is a tiny guy
00:12:50Went digging in the bargain bin, ladies
00:12:52But, uh, yeah
00:12:55Girls don't like short guys
00:12:56And, um, I guess it's because
00:12:58You want a tall guy
00:12:59So that, like, you can feel like
00:13:01Oh, he can protect me
00:13:02And murder me someday
00:13:04I don't know
00:13:04That's it
00:13:05But my boyfriend's shorter than me
00:13:07I've never felt like he can't protect me
00:13:09And I am certain
00:13:10He will murder me someday
00:13:11I mean, he is so filled with rage
00:13:14That he's short
00:13:14I mean, he is just
00:13:15Simmering with anger
00:13:17And that's why I keep our gun
00:13:19On the top shelf
00:13:19I mean, I can't risk that
00:13:21I need him to go get a stepladder
00:13:23And think it through, you know
00:13:25The number of times
00:13:27I've walked into our closet
00:13:28And just seen him like
00:13:29And I'm like
00:13:32Does someone need to get
00:13:33Uppy-uppy
00:13:33To get the bang-bang
00:13:35To make Nikki go bye-bye
00:13:37And then I give him a juice box
00:13:39And he forgets why he's upset
00:13:40So
00:13:40We don't have kids
00:13:43Because I don't want to
00:13:43Pass down that DNA
00:13:44But it's just
00:13:46I feel like it's too hard
00:13:48To be a mom
00:13:49I have too much anxiety
00:13:50About it
00:13:50I mean, it's hard
00:13:51Even being an aunt for me
00:13:52I was staying
00:13:53At my sister's house recently
00:13:54And at one point
00:13:55I was like
00:13:56I'm gonna go take a shower
00:13:56And my nephew comes running in
00:13:58And he's like
00:13:59I'm gonna take a shower with you
00:14:00I'm gonna take a shower with you
00:14:01He's 18
00:14:02I'm like
00:14:02What's going on
00:14:04With his voice?
00:14:07Something's wrong
00:14:07No
00:14:07No
00:14:08He was four
00:14:09And it was very cute
00:14:10And my sister was like
00:14:11He can take a shower with you
00:14:11It's fine
00:14:12He does it with us
00:14:13And I'm like
00:14:13Okay, that's fine for you guys
00:14:14But are you really okay
00:14:16With like an adult
00:14:17Showering with your child?
00:14:19Like
00:14:19Maybe it's okay
00:14:20If you like
00:14:20Come and supervise
00:14:22And she was like
00:14:23Why?
00:14:23And I was like
00:14:24Because what if I molest him?
00:14:25I'm like
00:14:26And she was like
00:14:31Would you?
00:14:32And I was like
00:14:32No
00:14:33I would never
00:14:34That's disgusting
00:14:35But that's what I'd say
00:14:37If I was gonna
00:14:37You know
00:14:38Like they lie
00:14:39Don't trust anyone
00:14:41I don't even trust myself
00:14:43I don't want to go in there
00:14:44How do you become a pedophile?
00:14:46You don't get to choose
00:14:47What you're into, dude
00:14:48What if it's one of those things
00:14:50You don't know you like
00:14:51Until you get in there
00:14:51And you're like
00:14:52Well, this is my thing
00:14:53And then it opens up
00:14:54A part of my brain
00:14:55No, no, no
00:14:56I know that sounds crazy
00:14:58But there have been
00:14:59So many things in my life
00:15:01That I've looked at
00:15:01And been like
00:15:01That's disgusting
00:15:02I would never do that
00:15:04And now I'm like
00:15:05Pickleball's kind of fun actually
00:15:06So it's like
00:15:07I don't know
00:15:07Thank you guys so much
00:15:10We have such
00:15:10An incredible show
00:15:12For you tonight
00:15:13Sober is here
00:15:15So stick around
00:15:16And we'll be right back
00:15:18I tried to tell her
00:15:35Babe, you really don't have to do this
00:15:37Are you kidding?
00:15:38I love that you guys do
00:15:39Family karaoke nights
00:15:41That's so sweet
00:15:42Aw, Petey
00:15:43I like her already
00:15:44Well, thanks for coming
00:15:46To our little family tradition, Katie
00:15:47I know it's silly
00:15:48But we love it
00:15:49I'm just excited
00:15:50To meet you guys
00:15:51All right, party people
00:15:54DJ Freakalicious on the mic
00:15:56If you are the owner
00:15:58Of a 2004 Corolla
00:16:00Please talk to me
00:16:01I'm considering buying one
00:16:03All right, now give it up
00:16:05For Becky and Petey
00:16:07What?
00:16:08You put in her song already?
00:16:09You know I did, little bro
00:16:10Get up there
00:16:11Oh my God
00:16:12I'm sorry, babe
00:16:12Duty calls
00:16:13Have fun
00:16:15This is for my baby brother
00:16:20I love you, buddy
00:16:22Love you too, sis
00:16:23And I give up forever
00:16:27To touch you
00:16:28Cause I know
00:16:30That you feel me somehow
00:16:32I feel it too
00:16:34You're the closest to heaven
00:16:36That I'll ever be
00:16:38And I don't wanna go home right now
00:16:42Never
00:16:42And all
00:16:44Go kids!
00:16:45Is this moment
00:16:47And all I can breathe
00:16:50Is your life
00:16:52And sooner or later
00:16:55It's over
00:16:56I just don't wanna miss you tonight
00:17:00And I don't want the world
00:17:04To see me
00:17:06Cause I don't think
00:17:08That she understands
00:17:10Hey!
00:17:11When everything's made to be broken
00:17:14I just want you to know who I am
00:17:19I just want you to know who I am
00:17:24I do
00:17:24I know you do
00:17:26Very cool
00:17:34And they're full siblings
00:17:35Oh yeah
00:17:36Very full
00:17:37Go kids!
00:17:39Alright, give it up for Becky and Petey
00:17:41And next up
00:17:42Uh-oh
00:17:43It's Petey and Becky
00:17:44What?
00:17:46Oh my gosh
00:17:46Did you put one in two?
00:17:48Yeah, of course I did, sis
00:17:49Oh my gosh
00:17:50Stop it
00:17:51What are you doing?
00:17:53I'll make love to you
00:17:55Like you want me to
00:17:58And I'll hold you tight
00:18:00Baby, all through the night
00:18:03I'll make love to you
00:18:05So Petey says you're on We Go Beat
00:18:08What?
00:18:09Sorry, I'm a little distracted
00:18:11He's kind of humping his sister
00:18:13What?
00:18:21What do you mean?
00:18:23What the hell did you just say?
00:18:26Babe, we were just dancing
00:18:28No, no
00:18:29I get it, girl
00:18:30It's okay
00:18:31Petey and I have always just been best friends
00:18:34And we just love singing songs
00:18:36That we grew up listening together
00:18:38Yeah, I mean
00:18:38We've always been super close
00:18:40We shared a bedroom
00:18:41Until she left for college
00:18:42Oh, that's late, no?
00:18:47Yeah, but it was fine
00:18:48When I turned 17
00:18:49We got separate beds
00:18:50Yeah, the worst
00:18:51What a thing is it
00:18:52What?
00:18:54What?
00:18:56Speaking of close
00:18:57It's daddy-daughter time
00:18:58Come on
00:18:58Oh my gosh, Dad
00:19:00You didn't pick the song we danced to
00:19:02At my wedding, did you?
00:19:03Oh my gosh, I'm gonna cry
00:19:04I sure did, sweetheart
00:19:06Hit it, DJ
00:19:07Hit it, DJ
00:19:07Baby, when we're grinding
00:19:12I get so excited
00:19:14Ooh, how I like it
00:19:17I try, but I can't hide it
00:19:20Ooh, you're dancing real close
00:19:22You're sweating real slow
00:19:24I miss grandma
00:19:25Me too
00:19:26You're making it hard for me
00:19:28You know what?
00:19:30This is making me feel weird
00:19:31I'm just gonna go
00:19:33Oh
00:19:33No, don't go
00:19:34What?
00:19:35Why?
00:19:36No, no, no
00:19:36Let her go
00:19:37She is just
00:19:38She's just mad that you two are so clearly sexually satisfied and in love
00:19:42No, no, no, no
00:19:43We're brother and sister
00:19:45You say hey, say what now?
00:19:47Okay, wait
00:19:49Why don't I just do a song, just me, for my baby girl?
00:19:53I love you so much
00:19:55Get up here
00:19:56Hit it, DJ
00:19:57The song that you told me was specifically reserved for you to sing to your girlfriend and not your freaky dicky sister?
00:20:04Yes, DJ Freakalicious
00:20:05All right, you got it, playboy
00:20:07You got a friend in me
00:20:14What? No, no
00:20:16You got a friend in me
00:20:18You feel like family already, sis
00:20:20Are you anxious?
00:20:32Overwhelmed?
00:20:33Have you stopped feeling like yourself?
00:20:36Are you overcome with an intense feeling of foreboding and dread?
00:20:40If so, you may be one of the many celebrities who are scheduled to dance through the Jennifer Hudson spirit tunnel
00:20:47I love Jennifer Hudson, but as an uncoordinated white woman, I felt trapped
00:20:58I tried practicing, but everything I came up with looked career ending
00:21:03Pointing, shoulder shrug, drunk aunt at a wedding
00:21:07I even tried to put my ass into it
00:21:09But I don't have one
00:21:11I just kept imagining myself in that tunnel
00:21:15It felt like there was no way out
00:21:23But that's when my doctor told me about Hudsicillin
00:21:26Hudsicillin is the only medication proven to cure spirit tunnel related symptoms
00:21:31Hudsicillin works
00:21:33Not by taking your anxiety away
00:21:34But by making you so violently ill
00:21:37You have no choice but to cancel
00:21:39And it works fast
00:21:41Maybe too fast
00:21:4230 seconds after taking my first dose
00:21:44I was shaken on the bathroom floor
00:21:46Not knowing which end of me to aim at the toilet
00:21:48That's because Hudsicillin is made from a gentle blend of E.coli, influenza, C.dick, and rancid buttermilk
00:21:55I finally have my life back
00:21:57And now my spot in the tunnel can go to someone who really wants it
00:22:01Hey, hey, hey, hey
00:22:04Thanks, Hudsicillin
00:22:06Hudsicillin, cause what's the alternative?
00:22:08Lightening up and being fun?
00:22:10Good luck
00:22:18Walt Disney Studios invites you to return to a tale as old as time
00:22:27Papa! Papa! Thank goodness you're okay
00:22:31Oh, Belle, whatever are you doing here?
00:22:33I came...
00:22:34You must leave now
00:22:35Well, I came to rescue you
00:22:36Oh, no, Belle, it's not safe
00:22:38The prince who owns this castle was cursed to become a terrible beast
00:22:42I'll do anything to save you, father
00:22:44I'll take your place
00:22:46Oh, Belle, you don't understand
00:22:48He's not just any beast
00:22:50He's...
00:22:51He's...
00:22:52Mr. Beast!
00:22:54I'm keeping her dad trapped in a dungeon for 30 days for a chance to win over $300,000
00:23:00Disney's Beauty and Mr. Beast
00:23:04Let my father go!
00:23:07No
00:23:08For every pound he loses, I'll give a Tesla to a random stranger
00:23:12Why are you doing this?
00:23:15Why haven't you heard?
00:23:17He used to be a handsome prince until he was cursed by a witch
00:23:20He woke up the next morning ranting and raving about sending the world's largest man to the world's smallest island
00:23:28And you were cursed too?
00:23:30Oui, oui, I was
00:23:32And if I live for one year as a clock, I get $2,500
00:23:36Now, wait a minute, I'm just realizing that's not a lot of money
00:23:41But please mademoiselle, don't judge our master too harshly
00:23:45He is a man of taste, look at his art
00:23:48From the executive producers who thought, nobody sees movies anymore, so F it, Hail Mary
00:23:56And the director of Kai Sanat's Kai Sablanca
00:23:59What happens when the last paddle falls?
00:24:04A man in Albany has to eat 500 soft shell crabs
00:24:08I don't know why, but I feel like I could spend eight hours listening to you
00:24:13Well that is because, and what's hell?
00:24:17You're depressed, you're depressed
00:24:20With a laptop on your chest
00:24:22Watch your games, forget your stress
00:24:24You're depressed
00:24:26I don't get it, says every person over 25
00:24:30And I'm building the largest Lego tower in the world, raves Mr. Beast
00:24:36I just know there's a tender heart under there
00:24:38I, I think I love you, Beast
00:24:41Really?
00:24:42Even though my top half is Beast and my bottom half is completely smooth?
00:24:47Well, I guess I didn't know about that
00:24:51Dance with me, Belle
00:24:56Tale as old as time
00:25:02Squid game for the teens
00:25:07Live in a CVS
00:25:10Or a chance to win
00:25:12A Lamborghini
00:25:15Oh Beast, I want to marry you
00:25:19Really? A beast like me?
00:25:22Okay, I will marry you, Belle
00:25:26If you can live for 30 days in a smart car with these two greased up sumo wrestlers
00:25:35Hmm
00:25:37And, and you're, you're a billionaire you said
00:25:39Sure am
00:25:41Well then I guess I'll dry
00:25:42Beauty and Mr. Beast
00:25:45Beauty and Mr. Beast
00:25:47Disney's Beauty and Mr. Beast
00:25:53If you're like me, you grew up treasuring your American Girl doll
00:26:00I held on to Samantha Parkington until I was almost 12
00:26:05But as we mature as women, our dolls don't mature along with us
00:26:10Until now
00:26:12Introducing American Girl XL
00:26:15The same high quality, lovingly crafted dolls
00:26:18But larger and all grown up
00:26:21Just like you
00:26:22My Theresa doll has the most inspiring job of all
00:26:25Teacher
00:26:27With Suzanne by my side, I know justice will always be served
00:26:31And Jessica here is a nurse
00:26:32How cool is that?
00:26:34She takes such good care of me
00:26:36And just like our regular dolls, our XL dolls have incredible attention to detail
00:26:43Just look at the stitching on my doll's suit
00:26:45And all the cool patches on my astronaut doll
00:26:48And my doll's feet, so lifelike
00:26:51But what's really important are their stories
00:26:54Suzanne here was the first female judge in Missouri
00:26:57I made up my own back story for Jessica
00:26:59She's from Lithuania
00:27:01No, she's American
00:27:03Well she is now
00:27:05Mine hates her dad
00:27:07And she wants to be a singer
00:27:08That's why her mouth is always open
00:27:09The point is, American Girl XL dolls will inspire women of all ages
00:27:17And you can even design your own based on historical figures
00:27:21Mine looks like Rosie the Riveter
00:27:23Mine looks like Amelia Earhart
00:27:25Mine looks like my brother's wife
00:27:28No, they're supposed to be historical figures
00:27:31That's right, Abigail here is from colonial times
00:27:34That's why her hands turn butter
00:27:36Are you here with somebody?
00:27:38Maybe your daughter or clothes?
00:27:41My dad
00:27:43Mine's an Olympic skier
00:27:45I really don't like that
00:27:47And the best part is
00:27:48Wait, who are you?
00:27:50You can take the clothing from your regular American Girl doll
00:27:52And use it on your XL doll
00:27:54Okay, please never do that
00:27:56Why would you do this to her?
00:27:57Because it's fun, and we're in love
00:27:59And their hair is super strong
00:28:00And you can mix and match their parts
00:28:01I made mine by eraser
00:28:03And if you fold her in half
00:28:04She fits right into the dishwasher
00:28:07Hey, wanna trade for a little while?
00:28:08I'd love that
00:28:09Okay, that's it
00:28:10We're shutting the store down
00:28:11American Girl XL
00:28:13We made an XL mistake
00:28:16Honey, slow down, that's your third martini
00:28:19Here, have some of your hot dog
00:28:20All right, all right
00:28:21All right, let's hear it one more time for Alexis!
00:28:23Oh my God, that was so crazy!
00:28:39What's crazy is that I'm getting married in two weeks!
00:28:42I wish it was to me!
00:28:45Oops, I said that out loud
00:28:47I'll be leaving now
00:28:50Okay, bye!
00:28:52You guys, this is so much fun
00:28:54Wait, where are Kayla and Delula?
00:28:57Oh my God, they're on the ball!
00:28:59Hi, girls!
00:29:01Yee-haw, y'all!
00:29:03Uh, ladies, one at a time, please
00:29:05And you're frankly much too drunk
00:29:07No, we're not!
00:29:09I only had a martini with a twist
00:29:11And the twist?
00:29:12And four margaritas
00:29:13Let's get this donkey moving, y'all!
00:29:17Yeah!
00:29:18It is not a donkey!
00:29:20Andre, do not start that bull!
00:29:26Hmm, on the one hand, I know I'm not supposed to do this
00:29:30But on the other hand, I would like to see two buxom babes being bucked around on a Bronco
00:29:35I call this Andre's Dilemma
00:29:39Dilemma solved!
00:29:41I will do it!
00:29:48Andre, what setting did you put it on?
00:29:51Oh, my dear goodness me!
00:29:52I am afraid in my titillated state, I accidentally sent it to Bon Voyage
00:29:56Nooooooooooo!
00:30:01Woooo!
00:30:05So just like that they started their quest
00:30:07Two blotto bimbos headed West
00:30:10Riding across the USA with all the sights to see
00:30:13Biiiiiiiiiiiick!
00:30:16Cops on the highway couldn't decide
00:30:18If the situation was a DUI just too drunk
00:30:21Pitching on a runaway mechanical home.
00:30:26I'm hungry.
00:30:28Let's open our house for some bugs.
00:30:29Good idea.
00:30:32Oh, it's all these.
00:30:36And a bird.
00:30:39So I saw the old faithful geyser squirt, then swallowed some grand canyon dirt,
00:30:43then saw her shirt at the sphere and got hit by a bunch of flying panties.
00:30:47Oh, look, this is soiled.
00:30:50Ate cheese in Wisconsin, which they thought was delish,
00:30:53then went to Niagara, got slapped by a fish,
00:30:55with a bird and a bee's and a big block of cheese,
00:30:57just too dumb bitches.
00:31:00On a runaway mechanical bull.
00:31:03We're not done.
00:31:04We went to college.
00:31:06Yeah, I went to UTI.
00:31:08Wait, sorry.
00:31:09I have a UTI.
00:31:13So the next thing you know, they were crossing the ocean,
00:31:16and the Navy picked up some suspicious motion,
00:31:18and their Palantir software identified them as hostile.
00:31:22This is U.S. Southern Command.
00:31:24You are clear to fire on narco bogeys.
00:31:26Hi.
00:31:27Roger that.
00:31:28Launching hellfire missiles.
00:31:29With the military and the bird and the bees and a big block of cheese,
00:31:37just two world-travelin' bitches.
00:31:40And a bull going the speed of light.
00:31:43Whoa!
00:31:44Look, it's all it's been two minutes ago!
00:31:48Uh-oh.
00:31:49Things are getting weird.
00:31:51So they went back in time to Italy
00:31:57and met Galileo, Galilee,
00:31:59and told them that the Earth revolves around the sun.
00:32:03You're coming with us, Big Zella.
00:32:04Betty!
00:32:06Then they traveled back farther to a limitless space
00:32:08and communicated with the fifth dimensional race.
00:32:11Then Sarah Sherman got hit by another fish in a bucket of water.
00:32:14Oh, that's very cool!
00:32:17With Galileo, Galilee, and the military,
00:32:20and a bird and the bees and a big block of cheese,
00:32:22just two world-travelin' bitches.
00:32:28And the man who lost his town,
00:32:32Andre.
00:32:33Andre!
00:32:34Andre!
00:32:34Ladies and gentlemen,
00:32:59Somber.
00:33:00Somber.
00:33:04I don't want anyone else
00:33:24I'm the opposite of 12 to 20
00:33:28I have my beliefs fulfilled
00:33:32By anyone but yourself
00:33:35Woo!
00:33:36Look at me, it makes me melt
00:33:39I know you wanna see me live my life
00:33:44I'm dancing with the cops I've dealt
00:33:47While you're dancing with the body of hell
00:33:50Place it always on your plant that ain't my passion
00:33:55You're questioning me, there's no one else that can make sense
00:33:58The last and kind of positive things
00:34:04In the room for the people I look for you
00:34:11Would you follow me or would you look for me too?
00:34:16Tell me, is our story through?
00:34:19Oh, do I want to meet you?
00:34:22Come on!
00:34:22I've never felt anything
00:34:40Like the love from my final days
00:34:44Why'd you wait?
00:34:47Just show me you can do it this way
00:34:49Woo!
00:34:50I'd never look at you, look at you
00:34:53We met you in New York City, I said
00:34:57Can I see what you promised us to be?
00:35:00My mistake
00:35:01If I know that we're happy this way
00:35:05I'd never look at you, look at the best thing
00:35:09Was it always in your plant that ain't my passion?
00:35:12You're questioning me, there's no one else that can make sense
00:35:16You're questioning me, there's no one else that can make sense
00:35:21I said, one, two, three, yeah
00:35:24In the room for the people I look for you
00:35:28Would you avoid me or would you look for me too?
00:35:33Tell me, is our story through?
00:35:37Oh, do I want to meet you?
00:35:39Baby, I'm delusional
00:35:43And the way you act is usual
00:35:47Baby, it's another world
00:35:52I don't feel so unloved at all
00:35:57Oh, do I want to meet you?
00:36:02Oh, do I want to meet you?
00:36:06Oh, do I want to meet you?
00:36:11In the room for the people I look for you
00:36:15Would you avoid me or would you look for me too?
00:36:19Tell me, is our story through?
00:36:22Oh, do I want to meet you?
00:36:26In the room for the people I look for you
00:36:30Would you avoid me or would you see me through?
00:36:35Tell me, is our story through?
00:36:39Oh, do I want to meet you?
00:36:41Come on!
00:36:42Come on in!
00:36:43Come on in!
00:36:46Now all I love you are missing중
00:36:46Okay
00:36:47When all I look for you
00:36:48Have a chance of memory
00:36:49I want to meet you
00:36:55Not jedi fay
00:36:58Oh, do I want to meet you?
00:36:59It's too big
00:37:01But she's so toning
00:37:02Yeah totally
00:37:04Oh, do I want to meet you?
00:37:06It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Chang.
00:37:36Thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening, everyone.
00:37:41Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.
00:37:42I'm Colin Jost.
00:37:46A pharmaceutical executive collapsed in the Oval Office on Thursday.
00:37:51And speaking of pharmaceuticals, whatever they've got Trump on, I want some.
00:37:56Because just look how chill he is during all of this.
00:37:59He's just standing there. He's literally this meme.
00:38:03The craziest part is that during the commotion, RFK Jr. just runs away.
00:38:10Watch this. Watch this.
00:38:11Gordon, you okay?
00:38:18How suspicious is that? Such a weird move.
00:38:22Don't worry, by the way. The man who collapsed is totally okay.
00:38:26You can tell because if there's something dead on the ground, RFK eats it.
00:38:33On Tuesday, Zoran Mamdani was elected mayor of New York City.
00:38:43He was elected...
00:38:45A lot of... a lot of... a lot of Sliwa fans.
00:38:51He was elected mayor despite his opponent, Andrew Cuomo,
00:38:55receiving endorsements from Donald Trump and Eric Adams.
00:38:58Which is like trying to bring a girl home by saying,
00:39:01not to brag, but I have hepatitis B and C.
00:39:07Andrew Cuomo spent the last day before the election
00:39:09campaigning around the city in a white Ford Bronco,
00:39:13which is what O.J. Simpson used to get away from police.
00:39:17But at least O.J. was ahead in the race for a while.
00:39:24Oh, stop.
00:39:26Republican Curtis Sliwa conceded the mayor race on Tuesday
00:39:30in front of a crowd of his most loyal supporters.
00:39:33Squirrels!
00:39:35Conservative critics have been calling Zoran Mamdani
00:39:38a far-left radical as well as a jihadist.
00:39:41But he can't be far-left and a jihadist.
00:39:44I mean, what do you think he's gonna do?
00:39:45Turn ISIS into ISIS?
00:39:47The Supreme Court...
00:39:53I worked really hard on that.
00:39:54Yeah, you're good.
00:39:55Oh, okay.
00:39:57The Supreme Court on Friday temporarily allowed
00:40:00the Trump administration to withhold SNAP benefits,
00:40:02including food stamps.
00:40:04And we actually have footage of Trump finding out
00:40:06he does not have to pay the benefits.
00:40:14Oh.
00:40:14Democrat Abigail Spanberger has been elected as Virginia's first-ever female governor...
00:40:20Defeating Republican Winsome Earl Sears,
00:40:27who will now have to change her name to lose some Earl Sears.
00:40:30President Trump said that he will only negotiate with Democrats
00:40:35when they agreed to reopen the government,
00:40:37adding that he would not be extorted.
00:40:40Except that one time, he famously got extorted
00:40:43by that mattress actress, Stormy Daniels.
00:40:49Trump also reacted to news that Prince Andrew lost the title of prince
00:40:53over ties to Jeffrey Epstein, saying he feels badly for the royal family.
00:40:58Trump even sent Prince Andrew a card to cheer him up.
00:41:01Aw.
00:41:04Hang... hang in there.
00:41:07Poor Epstein.
00:41:07New Mexico... New Mexico has become the first state in the country
00:41:11to offer its residents free child care,
00:41:13which will be provided by nannies from old Mexico.
00:41:16A video has gone viral of a man in Mexico
00:41:24coming up behind President Claudia Scheinbaum
00:41:27and trying to kiss and grope her.
00:41:29So, no, he's not taking the loss well.
00:41:32Starbucks has begun selling the new glass Barista cold cup,
00:41:40which is the most adorable way to smoke crack in their bathroom.
00:41:48Tom Brady announced that his current dog
00:41:51is actually a clone of his previous dog
00:41:53who passed away two years ago.
00:41:55Brady also revealed that during his career,
00:41:57he went through eight grunks.
00:42:02Scientists have posted a new video of a pod of orcas
00:42:07attacking and killing a group of baby sharks.
00:42:10So I guess we were right to put them in prison.
00:42:19A new poll finds that nearly 30% of Gen Zers
00:42:23think that paying with cash is cringe,
00:42:26even when I crumple it up for them.
00:42:27A husband and wife from Miami
00:42:37have been named the world's oldest married couple
00:42:39with a combined age of 216 years,
00:42:43which sounds really sweet
00:42:44until you realize the husband is 200.
00:42:51Lionsgate has released the first trailer for Michael,
00:42:54the upcoming biopic about Michael Jackson.
00:42:56And like Jackson, it starts out very dark,
00:42:59but ends in a much lighter tone.
00:43:04These are some thinkers.
00:43:07Officials in Ireland are saying
00:43:09that reports of a lion wandering in the woods
00:43:12was actually just a dog with a new haircut.
00:43:16Ireland.
00:43:17I guess we are pretty drunk.
00:43:19Well, the New York Times recently ran an article
00:43:25calling the Staten Island Ferry
00:43:27that I purchased with Steve P. Davidson
00:43:29and calls it a money-losing fiasco.
00:43:35With more on this, it's Steve Davidson.
00:43:48Welcome.
00:43:49Welcome back.
00:43:51Colin, you're looking great as ever.
00:43:54Che, starting a crack.
00:43:55Whoa.
00:43:58So, sorry.
00:44:00So, yeah, in case you're wondering
00:44:01why I had to do a show in Saudi Arabia,
00:44:04we're losing millions on this ferry.
00:44:08I assume that's what the article says.
00:44:10I can't spend $5 on a paywall
00:44:12when I got a kid on the way, so.
00:44:13Oh, that's right.
00:44:14Yeah, congrats, Steve.
00:44:15Hell yeah.
00:44:16Yeah.
00:44:17I'm just excited to be a dad, you know,
00:44:22and give it all the energy and enthusiasm
00:44:24I never had for this show.
00:44:28All right.
00:44:29Well, I will tell you on the other side,
00:44:31I definitely prefer having a kid to a ferry.
00:44:33Yeah, I mean, well, what are you really worried about?
00:44:35You know, you have a great job,
00:44:37and your Uncle Robert is the HHS secretary, right?
00:44:42For the last time, Pete, I'm not a Kennedy.
00:44:44Okay.
00:44:45Look, I actually, I understand RFK.
00:44:49You know, I wouldn't be famous
00:44:50without my dad dying, either.
00:44:53Thank God that happened.
00:44:56Wouldn't trade it.
00:44:58All right.
00:45:01We even gave the boat a new name.
00:45:02You know, we thought the Staten Island Ferry
00:45:04sounded too depressing,
00:45:05so now it's called the Titanic II.
00:45:08That's right, and it's actually going very well.
00:45:10Recently, we got paid by Nike to put an ad on it
00:45:13for the New York City Marathon.
00:45:14Absolutely, yeah.
00:45:15Exactly.
00:45:16If Lorne Michaels has taught us anything,
00:45:18it's that you never, ever give up,
00:45:20even if everyone says the time has come
00:45:22and Tina Fey is ready to take over.
00:45:32No, I actually have a great idea
00:45:34to make this ferry more of a success.
00:45:36Oh, great.
00:45:37As you know, we just had a mayoral election,
00:45:39which is my, yeah,
00:45:40it's my least favorite kind of oral.
00:45:42Oh, that's a classic Pete!
00:45:48Yeah.
00:45:50Pete's back, baby.
00:45:52Hold on.
00:45:53You're adding new bits now?
00:45:55You've been gone for years.
00:45:57Yep.
00:45:57It's now this and Chad.
00:46:00Yeah.
00:46:00So, anyway, we just had an election,
00:46:06and if you don't mind,
00:46:07I have a message for everyone
00:46:08who did not vote for our new mayor.
00:46:11Hey, Staten Islanders!
00:46:12Did you promise to move out of New York
00:46:17if Mom Donnie won,
00:46:18but have too many warrants in New Jersey
00:46:19and not enough guns for Florida?
00:46:22Well, welcome to New Staten Island!
00:46:24Yeah!
00:46:25It'll have everything that makes Staten Island great.
00:46:28The pizza...
00:46:32Wait, that was the whole list?
00:46:34Yep.
00:46:35New Staten Island.
00:46:36We, uh, we can't call it the Titanic anymore,
00:46:39since the people on this ship
00:46:40will actually love running into ice.
00:46:43Um...
00:46:43That was pretty good.
00:46:46That was good.
00:46:47Yep.
00:46:47Still got it.
00:46:48I just feel like it's gonna be a big year for us.
00:46:50I think so, too.
00:46:51I couldn't be more excited.
00:46:53And my point is, look,
00:46:54the ferry, it's fine.
00:46:55Sometimes the news just makes things
00:46:57seem worse than they are.
00:46:58You know?
00:46:58Like how everyone was sure certain people
00:47:01would be exposed and ruined
00:47:02for being on the Epstein list, right?
00:47:04But look, it's 2025,
00:47:05and all three of us are still up here.
00:47:07Pete Davidson, everyone.
00:47:09Stay healthy, stay healthy.
00:47:10We get up there.
00:47:11I'm coming to you.
00:47:12I'm Michael Staten.
00:47:14Good night.
00:47:29Yay!
00:47:30Motion passes.
00:47:31Okay, guys.
00:47:32So the theme of our Delta Gamma Thanksgiving party
00:47:34will be Pilgrim Hoes
00:47:37and respectful representation
00:47:39of indigenous people.
00:47:42All right, guys.
00:47:43Next action item.
00:47:45Um, this is pretty serious, okay?
00:47:48I got an email from the Greek Life Advisor,
00:47:50and apparently another sorority
00:47:52just learned one of their pledges
00:47:54was actually a frat guy
00:47:56in a hyper-realistic girl mask.
00:47:58Is there?
00:47:59What?
00:48:01Oh, my God.
00:48:02That's so weird.
00:48:03Yeah.
00:48:04That is so weird.
00:48:06I know.
00:48:06Well, they asked us to just stay vigilant, okay?
00:48:10So I'm just asking you,
00:48:11if you see anything,
00:48:13just say something, okay?
00:48:15Um, so I don't want to, like,
00:48:17call someone out or whatever,
00:48:18but I think someone in our sorority
00:48:20might be a frat guy
00:48:21in a hyper-realistic mask.
00:48:23What?
00:48:23What?
00:48:23No way.
00:48:24What the hell?
00:48:27I think it's Alyssa.
00:48:29Oh!
00:48:30Wait.
00:48:31Me?
00:48:32Are you crazy?
00:48:34So mean.
00:48:35Shame on you, Maddie.
00:48:36That's messed up.
00:48:38Yeah.
00:48:39What the hell, Maddie?
00:48:40Have some respect for your sister.
00:48:43Sorry.
00:48:43You said say something
00:48:45if you saw something strange.
00:48:46Okay, well, just say it, Maddie.
00:48:48You think Alyssa's ugly.
00:48:51How to the absolute dare you?
00:48:54Delta camas don't judge people's looks.
00:48:57Did you forget our motto?
00:48:59Don't judge people's looks.
00:49:02We judge people
00:49:03by how much money their parents make.
00:49:06Okay, yeah.
00:49:07This isn't about Alyssa, Maddie.
00:49:09It's about you.
00:49:10You always got frightened by new sisters.
00:49:12You were awful to me last year,
00:49:14and now you're accusing her
00:49:15of being a frat guy in a mask?
00:49:17That's disgusting.
00:49:18Oh, my God.
00:49:20That's disgusting.
00:49:21Okay, do you see how she eats?
00:49:24That is not normal.
00:49:26What?
00:49:27You're just jealous
00:49:28of what an amazing person Alyssa is.
00:49:30Her contribution to Delta Gamma
00:49:32is unmatched.
00:49:33She's already...
00:49:34She's just a first year,
00:49:35and she has already planned
00:49:36not one, not two,
00:49:38but 15 bikini car wash fundraisers.
00:49:41Girl power!
00:49:42Don't you think it's suspicious
00:49:45that she never participates?
00:49:47She's allergic to the sun.
00:49:49It's just safer for her
00:49:50to watch from the garage
00:49:51wearing sunglasses
00:49:52with a pile of towels on her lap.
00:49:54I'm sorry, Maddie,
00:49:57but your theory is rejected
00:49:59due to lack of proof.
00:50:00Can my proof be her vaping right now?
00:50:05The smoke is coming out of her eye holes.
00:50:07How do you explain that?
00:50:11I don't know.
00:50:11It just does that.
00:50:14Maddie, stop.
00:50:15You're making Alyssa sad.
00:50:17Look.
00:50:23Yeah, maybe I should just go.
00:50:25Oh, no.
00:50:28Can we just take a moment
00:50:30and look at what's inside her purse?
00:50:33A huge, unopened box of maxi pads.
00:50:36What?
00:50:36A beanie baby.
00:50:38What?
00:50:38And a framed photo of Hillary Clinton.
00:50:43And...
00:50:44And that looks like
00:50:45what a stupid guy would think
00:50:46girls have in their purse.
00:50:47I could slap this bitch.
00:50:49Ella, calm down.
00:50:51Jesus.
00:50:52This discussion is over, all right?
00:50:54Meeting adjourned.
00:50:55Oh, my God.
00:50:56Give me my purse.
00:50:57Okay.
00:50:58I'm so sorry for all of this, Alyssa.
00:51:01It's okay.
00:51:05Bye.
00:51:06Oh, my God.
00:51:08I'm gonna pass out in this thing.
00:51:10Alyssa?
00:51:12Uh, I can explain.
00:51:15No need.
00:51:18Secret state with me, man.
00:51:28Brad, Brad, Brad, Brad
00:51:31running his gun.
00:51:32Yeah, I'm divorced.
00:51:39I have an extra medkit if anyone wants it.
00:51:42Brad, you're not gonna sit in your room
00:51:44and play video games all weekend, all right?
00:51:45Come on.
00:51:46Let's go outside.
00:51:46Okay.
00:51:49I'm serious, bud.
00:51:50Come on.
00:51:51Take him out of your friends.
00:51:52Okay.
00:51:52I just literally need one second.
00:51:54One.
00:51:57Anyone have a shield jug?
00:51:58All right.
00:51:58Give me the thing.
00:51:59Okay.
00:51:59Sorry, fellas.
00:52:00Brad's gotta go.
00:52:02Hey!
00:52:03First of all, you never call someone that word.
00:52:05Second of all, it makes no sense
00:52:07because I'm white.
00:52:08Little jackass.
00:52:10All right.
00:52:10Get your shoes on, bud.
00:52:11I'm taking you someplace fun.
00:52:13Where?
00:52:13Why do I keep getting this stuff?
00:52:19Dad, I'm too old for the playground.
00:52:21No, you're not.
00:52:22You're 10.
00:52:23I'm 11, though.
00:52:26I know.
00:52:27But come on.
00:52:27Go down the slide.
00:52:28Head first.
00:52:29Head first.
00:52:31All right.
00:52:33Feet first is good.
00:52:33Feet first is fine.
00:52:39You all right?
00:52:42Coming.
00:52:43All right.
00:52:46Escaping my skin.
00:52:51All right.
00:52:51Scoot, Brad.
00:52:52Scoot.
00:52:53Yeah, maybe you are too big for this.
00:52:55All right.
00:52:59Look what I found, bud.
00:53:01All right.
00:53:01Run out.
00:53:0210 yards.
00:53:02Fake right.
00:53:03Now go left.
00:53:04I'll hit you on the cross.
00:53:05You ready?
00:53:06One sec.
00:53:12Okay.
00:53:12Okay.
00:53:13Hut, hut, hike.
00:53:15Got to go on a hike, bud.
00:53:16Hike.
00:53:18Brad, look at me.
00:53:19Look at me.
00:53:20Oh.
00:53:22You're all right.
00:53:23You're all right.
00:53:27Hold on.
00:53:28It's funny.
00:53:28Uh-oh.
00:53:29Brad, what the heck is this?
00:53:32Whoa.
00:53:33Is that a drone?
00:53:34Yeah.
00:53:35I got it for you.
00:53:36Here you go.
00:53:38All right.
00:53:38Look.
00:53:39Just remember, gentle movements on the controller, okay?
00:53:42I know.
00:53:43God damn it.
00:53:45There's a guy on your left on that hill.
00:53:52Nice.
00:53:54Oh, that's your mom.
00:53:56I had fun with you, buddy.
00:53:57I love you.
00:53:59I love you, too, Dad.
00:54:01I love you more than your mom does.
00:54:05Don't tell her I said that, but it's true, okay?
00:54:08Okay.
00:54:11Bye, Dad.
00:54:12Bye, son.
00:54:15Oh, son of a bitch!
00:54:17Gosh, I feel like we've been sitting here forever.
00:54:36I know.
00:54:37We were supposed to take off a half hour ago.
00:54:40Ladies and gentlemen, we do apologize for the delay.
00:54:43As you know, the government shutdown has affected the flights around the country.
00:54:48I'm not blaming anyone, Mom Donnie, but we're doing our best things to move you guys once
00:54:55around again, so we do apologize, and thank you.
00:54:59God, this absolutely stinks.
00:55:01Hey, ladies and gentlemen from the flight deck, this is your captain speaking.
00:55:04Just got word from the tower.
00:55:05It's going to be a little bit longer here on the tarmac.
00:55:07Probably in about 15 minutes, I'll come back on and tell you it's going to be two more hours.
00:55:11Good news is, fine weather coming out of Cleveland.
00:55:15Should be a smooth flight once we get up in the air.
00:55:18I'm telling you, we're going to be here forever.
00:55:20Truth be told, can't wait to get to Cleveland myself.
00:55:22Going to be meeting up with a young lady out there.
00:55:24Met her on the apps.
00:55:27Always said I wouldn't do the apps, but last night got a little rum in me, and I said,
00:55:30what the hell?
00:55:32I had co-pilot Richie here to set me up with a profile.
00:55:34That's right.
00:55:35You better get that snooker ready, because if you fall on my lead, you're going to be swimming
00:55:37in it.
00:55:39That's wonderful, Richie.
00:55:41Already matched with a cute, yeah, it's a cute, about a 7.5 girl, sort of my sweet
00:55:47spot.
00:55:48A little out of my range, but attainable.
00:55:51Just sent her kind of a risky text.
00:55:54She said, hopping in the shower, and I said, without me?
00:55:57Ha ha.
00:55:59Monkey covering eyes.
00:56:01Been about 20 minutes.
00:56:03No response.
00:56:04Spending out a little bit.
00:56:04Sure it's fine.
00:56:05Get you an update soon.
00:56:06Sit back and enjoy the flight.
00:56:07Okay, well, that's insane.
00:56:10I know.
00:56:11She's totally leading him on.
00:56:14Hopping in the shower.
00:56:15Ooh, I'm a little naked lady.
00:56:17Hope I don't get bubbles on my boobies.
00:56:20Whore.
00:56:21Oh, my God.
00:56:23Ladies and gentlemen, from the flight, Captain Dave, looks like we got about 576 planes in
00:56:28front of us, but good news is, man in the tower says he's on top of it.
00:56:31Bad news is, by it, I mean the tower itself.
00:56:34A couple people trying to talk him down.
00:56:36But we should have you in Cleveland by Christmas.
00:56:40It's November 8th!
00:56:42And even worse news, I decided to double text.
00:56:46Not going to lie, it's pretty bad.
00:56:48Sent a gif of Jack Nicholson knocking down the door in The Shining.
00:56:53Pumpkin's head in, captioned it, me if I was there right now.
00:56:55Hey, did it as soon as they sent it?
00:56:58Man, I told you already what you need to say to this girl, Liz.
00:57:01Uh-huh.
00:57:01Yeah.
00:57:02Uh-huh.
00:57:03Okay.
00:57:03Well, that's colorful.
00:57:05Uh, folks, from the flight deck, Captain Dave here, basically the gist of, uh, Richie's
00:57:09pitch was something about slithering a certain part of her body in butter, then cracking
00:57:12her open like a crab leg.
00:57:14Don't think I'll text that.
00:57:15But, uh, if you have any ideas, please let a flight attendant know.
00:57:18Please hit that call button.
00:57:18Otherwise, uh, sit back and enjoy the flight.
00:57:22Hey, this guy is unraveling.
00:57:24I don't know.
00:57:24It sounds kind of hot to me.
00:57:25I wouldn't mind you chopping down the door to see me in the shower.
00:57:29To see what?
00:57:30Something I see for free every day?
00:57:32No, thank you.
00:57:35Folks, from the flight deck, Captain Dave here from the flight deck.
00:57:37Update from the tower, uh, no news.
00:57:40No news from the tower.
00:57:41Update from my tech saga.
00:57:42She, uh, just posted on her stories, so she is on her phone.
00:57:46And, uh, I am in hell.
00:57:49I'm telling you, man, all you need to say is word for word is.
00:57:54Uh-huh.
00:57:55Right.
00:57:56Uh-huh.
00:57:56Well, I can't say any of those words.
00:57:58Uh, you know, I would love to hear a woman's perspective.
00:58:01You know, maybe even a gay guy.
00:58:03One of the nice ones, though.
00:58:04Not, uh, not a gym gay.
00:58:06Sort of all about his body.
00:58:07Uh, what a nice one.
00:58:09You know, a modern family type.
00:58:10But, uh, or you know what?
00:58:11Maybe even an older African-American gentleman.
00:58:14That might be nice.
00:58:14Kind of a grown-ass man type.
00:58:16Seen it all from both sides now.
00:58:18Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has requested the help of a woman, a not mean gay, or a grown
00:58:24and sexy black man.
00:58:26Once again, any woman, kind gays, or Billy Dee Williams types, please hit your call button
00:58:32now.
00:58:34Can we please just go already?
00:58:36Hey, folks.
00:58:37Captain Dave from the flight deck.
00:58:37Big news.
00:58:38She texted back.
00:58:39And get this.
00:58:40She loved my texts.
00:58:41And, yeah, she poppin'.
00:58:42So, I think I'm just gonna take this thing on the highway.
00:58:59Once again, somber.
00:59:02Touch my body tender.
00:59:08Touch my body tender.
00:59:14Cause the feeling makes me weak.
00:59:20Kicking off the covers.
00:59:23How can you look at me and pretend I'm someone you've never met?
00:59:37How can you look at me and pretend I'm someone you've never met?
00:59:50How can you look at me and pretend I'm someone you've never met?
00:59:54How can you look at me and pretend I'm not on the way?
00:59:59It was last December.
01:00:04You were laying on my chest.
01:00:09I still remember
01:00:14I was scared to take a breath
01:00:19Didn't want you to move on
01:00:22Back to being friends
01:00:27Where we just shared a bed
01:00:31How can you look at me and pretend
01:00:37I'm someone you've never met
01:00:41The devil in your eyes
01:00:49Hold the light, the light you've sold
01:00:55I'm holding on too tight
01:00:59While you let go
01:01:01This is casual
01:01:07How can we go back to being friends
01:01:19Where we just shared a bed
01:01:22How can you look at me and pretend
01:01:28I'm someone you've never met
01:01:32Now
01:01:34How can we go back to being friends
01:01:40When we just shared a bed
01:01:45How can you look at me and pretend
01:01:49I'm someone you've never met
01:01:53How can you look at me and pretend
01:02:00I'm someone you've never met
01:02:04How can you look at me and pretend
01:02:07Oh, but you never thought of that
01:02:12Oh, but you never thought of that
01:02:37Anna would venture through the door in the big oak tree
01:02:39to visit her friends in make-believe Meadow
01:02:42But as she grew older, she visited less and less
01:02:45And when Anna was grown, she made one last visit to say goodbye
01:02:50My special friends, I'm gonna miss you all so much
01:02:55We'll miss you too, Anna
01:02:57But we'll always be with you
01:02:58In here
01:03:00Thank you, Beban
01:03:02Before I go, I want to give each of you a gift
01:03:05Just as a thank you for all of our adventures
01:03:07Snib and Dubby
01:03:09Yes, Anna?
01:03:11Yes, Anna?
01:03:12Yes, Anna?
01:03:13You taught me to look at the world with a sense of wonder
01:03:15So I got you this thing called a pinwheel
01:03:19Oh, wow
01:03:21Oh, pinwheel
01:03:23Anna, wow
01:03:24Wow
01:03:25Look, it's spinning, Anna
01:03:28Anna, look at the pinwheel
01:03:29I know, I know, I get it
01:03:32It's neat, yeah
01:03:33Wow
01:03:33The pinwheel has so many colors, Anna
01:03:36Anna
01:03:36You can move it with your hands, Anna
01:03:39I love the pinwheel so much, Anna
01:03:42Pinwheel, Anna
01:03:43Well, I'm so glad you like them
01:03:46So much more than I thought you would, honestly
01:03:48Thank you, Anna
01:03:50Thank you, Anna
01:03:50Of course
01:03:51Beban and Piff
01:03:53Yes, Anna?
01:03:54Anna, you taught me to see the beauty in others
01:03:57So I got you something that is beautiful no matter how you look at it
01:04:00A pinwheel
01:04:02No, not a pinwheel, okay?
01:04:06Okay, Anna
01:04:06I got you kaleidoscopes
01:04:11Oh, wow
01:04:13It's amazing, Anna
01:04:16I look through it every day
01:04:18And finally, Mr. Bunsy
01:04:21Oh, Anna
01:04:22My very best friend
01:04:24You always encourage me to be an artist, so
01:04:27I drew a picture for you
01:04:30Oh, I hope you like it
01:04:31Everyone, please look at this
01:04:34Here we are
01:04:46I fell asleep for a little bit, Anna
01:04:48Thank you, guys
01:04:50Maybe we take the wonder down a little
01:04:52For real, it's too much wonder
01:04:54But your picture is beautiful, Anna
01:04:57I'll treasure it forever
01:04:58Before you go, we got you a gift
01:05:01A pinwheel
01:05:03No!
01:05:04No!
01:05:05Go play over there with your pinwheels
01:05:07Give up space, go!
01:05:08What about the pinwheels?
01:05:09No!
01:05:10I'm begging both of you, go over there!
01:05:13No
01:05:13Enough!
01:05:14Enough!
01:05:17Enough!
01:05:17Stop it!
01:05:18Stop it!
01:05:20Anna, when you were just a little mite
01:05:26Yes
01:05:26You wrote this letter to your grown-up self
01:05:29And we kept it for all this time
01:05:31To be read on your last visit
01:05:33Dear grown-up me
01:05:36I hope you still do what makes us happy
01:05:39I hope you still look at clouds and see kingdoms
01:05:42I hope you still dance and make up stories
01:05:45But most of all, I hope you don't forget me
01:05:48Little you
01:05:51Remember, that little girl is never gone
01:05:55She'll always be a part of you, Anna
01:05:57Anna!
01:05:58Anna!
01:05:59Anna!
01:05:59Anna!
01:06:00Anna!
01:06:00Anna!
01:06:00Oh, my God, please tell me this is not about the pinwheel
01:06:02No, it's not, we promise
01:06:05Tell her, tell her
01:06:06Anna, Anna, um, when you, when you, if you, if you, when you, when you, when you, if you, when you, when you, when you, when you, if you, when you hold the pinwheel, it has colors
01:06:21Just give me the damn pinwheels, okay
01:06:22Oh, my God, this is horses when I bought those puppets
01:06:26The puppets!
01:06:27Oh, my God, oh, my God, Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna
01:06:32No, stop saying it, and actually, it's Anna
01:06:34It's a hard vowel, okay
01:06:36God, I love you all so much, but I gotta bounce
01:06:42Anna!
01:06:45And it was on that day, Anna decided to never have children
01:06:49Thanks to Somber, Pete Davidson, Lorne Michaels, this amazing cast and crew
01:07:08This was one of the best weeks of my entire life
01:07:10Thank you so much, that's our show!
01:07:12Thank you so much, that's our show!
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