Saturday Night Live - Season 51 Episode 03- Sabrina Carpenter
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#EnglishMovie #cdrama #drama #engsub #chinesedramaengsub #movieshortfull
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00:00:00Happy 30th birthday, Matthew. Make a wish.
00:00:14Okay.
00:00:16Gosh, thanks so much, Kelsey.
00:00:18This means so much to me,
00:00:20especially with everything going on in the world,
00:00:22government shutdown, AI.
00:00:24There's just so much uncertainty,
00:00:25but the fact that my beautiful wife put this all together for me
00:00:29means a lot.
00:00:32Well, of course.
00:00:34Hey, Matt, looks like some special guest just arrived.
00:00:37Oh, my God, Kelsey, did you fly out my best friends?
00:00:40Oh, no. I flew out my best friends.
00:00:44Hey.
00:00:49For those of you who I haven't met,
00:00:51I'm Kelsey's childhood bestie,
00:00:53and we went to nursing school together.
00:00:55Although I unfortunately didn't graduate
00:00:57because I realized the hours are, like, super long,
00:00:59and I don't like helping people.
00:01:01Plus, you stole all those pills, girl.
00:01:04True.
00:01:05Anyway, even though I didn't earn my RN degree,
00:01:07I got my BFF degree
00:01:09because I met Kelsey's besties,
00:01:11a.k.a. the Kel Squad.
00:01:12What up, what up?
00:01:13Ah, it's my birthday,
00:01:17but your friends are giving a speech.
00:01:19It's all good.
00:01:21Last month, Kelsey asked us to go on a trip with her
00:01:24so she could find the most magical birthday present for Matthew.
00:01:28They say Disney's the most magical place on Earth,
00:01:32but we're banned from there,
00:01:34so we went to Nashville.
00:01:35Our Kelsey called us
00:01:42because she wanted to
00:01:43find a really good gift for Matthew.
00:01:49We were available
00:01:51because we love her
00:01:53and because we wanted the Delta points.
00:01:58Wow, you ladies sure love traveling together.
00:02:00Why are your schedules so open?
00:02:02And Kelsey set one boundary
00:02:06She said this trip was meant to be
00:02:10Just about a gift for Matt
00:02:13Had not thought about
00:02:15A bounty in the one guy she was thinking of
00:02:19Hmm, who were you thinking of?
00:02:22You, dummy.
00:02:24But I needed to focus on getting you an awesome gift.
00:02:27But I opened my gift already.
00:02:29You got me a hoodie from Hudson News.
00:02:32But we went out
00:02:34Hell sat alone in the hotel
00:02:36Said I don't really feel well
00:02:38Wanted to be alone
00:02:40When we got home
00:02:44We pulled back all of the covers
00:02:46And we saw that there was just a bunch of pillows
00:02:49We checked in with the front desk
00:02:54They said she left
00:02:56In a bikini about four hours ago
00:02:59She was holding two grand
00:03:01In cash
00:03:02And she
00:03:03Only chose to bring her
00:03:06Burn the phone
00:03:08One night with Domingo
00:03:11Okay, so Domingo was in Nashville
00:03:18Well, you could have come on the trip, babe
00:03:20No, I couldn't have
00:03:21Because I was in Albany
00:03:22Attending a self-worth seminar
00:03:24Our Nashville trip was magic
00:03:26Like, did someone say ever cadabra?
00:03:29No
00:03:30No one did
00:03:31Okay, babe
00:03:32I promise this next song
00:03:34Will not be about Domingo
00:03:35D-O-M-I-N-G-O
00:03:38Domingo
00:03:39D-O-M-I-N-G-O
00:03:42Domingo
00:03:43There's a man with a goatee
00:03:47And a gold chain at the bar
00:03:51Kelsey tells him
00:03:53I got a Brazilian
00:03:54In hopes that you'd be hard
00:03:58You got a Brazilian for Domingo?
00:04:03We went to the grand jolt
00:04:06Every Domingo played to charm
00:04:10Kelsey had tears in her eyes
00:04:14Said as a lover
00:04:16Matt is a pro
00:04:17D-O-M-I-N-G-O
00:04:21Domingo
00:04:23Yes, okay, fine
00:04:25I saw him in Nashville
00:04:26But, babe, I promise
00:04:28Domingo's in the past
00:04:29Kelsey, I'm here
00:04:31Domingo
00:04:35Hey, Matt
00:04:38Came all this way
00:04:39No, I'm just kidding
00:04:40I live very close by
00:04:42Kelsey, the night we spent together in Nashville
00:04:46Was anything but ordinary
00:04:49I know that you took a bow
00:04:53But I am so well endowed
00:04:55Kelsey, we got
00:04:56A noise of blaze
00:04:58We shook the whole hotel
00:05:00A noise of blaze
00:05:02I come in and out of your life
00:05:05Cause I respect that you are a wife
00:05:07Okay, first of all
00:05:09This is not in any of your vocal ranges
00:05:11Also, whatever happened to that 2000 in cash?
00:05:15Oh, I got a very expensive Brazilian as well
00:05:18Multica maestro
00:05:20Multica maestro
00:05:20Nashville wants such a vibe
00:05:24And I'm the bull that she loves to ride
00:05:26Kelsey, we got
00:05:28A noise complete
00:05:29We should be hard hotel
00:05:32A noise complete
00:05:33I may be the love of your life
00:05:36But I respect that you are a wife
00:05:39Kelsey, I'm serious
00:05:41This is strike six
00:05:42Hurt, babe
00:05:44It won't happen again
00:05:45And live from New York
00:05:48It's Saturday Night Live
00:05:49It's Saturday Night Live
00:05:57With
00:05:58Michael Chang
00:06:01Mikey Day
00:06:09Andrew Dismukes
00:06:17Chloe Fineman
00:06:26Marcelo Fernandez
00:06:37James Austin Johnson
00:06:43James Austin Johnson
00:06:43Colin Jost
00:06:52Sarah Sherman
00:06:58Keenan Thompson
00:07:04Bowen Yang
00:07:10Featuring
00:07:14Tommy Brennan
00:07:17Jeremy Cohey
00:07:21Dan Marshall
00:07:26Ashley Padilla
00:07:34Cam Patterson
00:07:39Veronica Slowikowska
00:07:43Jane Wickline
00:07:47Host and musical guest
00:07:56Sabrina Carpenter
00:07:58Ladies and gentlemen
00:08:03Sabrina Carpenter
00:08:05Thank you
00:08:26Thank you
00:08:27Thank you very much
00:08:28I'm so excited to be here hosting
00:08:30Saturday Night Live
00:08:31Last time I was here for the 50th anniversary
00:08:33where I got to sing with Paul Simon
00:08:35and since then my new album
00:08:37Man's Best Friend came out
00:08:38which I'm so excited about
00:08:40but some people got a little
00:08:41like freaked out by the cover
00:08:43I'm not sure why
00:08:44it was just this
00:08:45me on all fours
00:08:47with an unseen figure
00:08:48pulling my hair
00:08:49but what people don't realize
00:08:50is that's just how they cropped it
00:08:52if you zoom out
00:08:53it's clearly a picture
00:08:54from the 50th anniversary special
00:08:55of Bowen helping me up by the hair
00:08:58after Martin Short
00:09:04shoved me out of the buffet line
00:09:06saying something like
00:09:09daddy need his mini quiche
00:09:11now since I'm here
00:09:13I want to clear up
00:09:14some misconceptions
00:09:15people have about me
00:09:16everyone thinks of me
00:09:17as this like
00:09:18horn dog pop star
00:09:19but there's really
00:09:20so much more to me
00:09:21I'm not just horny
00:09:22I'm also turned on
00:09:25and I'm sexually charged
00:09:27and I love to read
00:09:29my favorite book
00:09:31is the encyclopedia
00:09:33it's so big
00:09:34and it's hard
00:09:35and wait seriously
00:09:37okay sorry
00:09:38there is a real person
00:09:39underneath all the sparkles
00:09:40and the wigs
00:09:41and the corsets
00:09:42and another thing
00:09:43you might not know about me
00:09:44is that I love to interact
00:09:45with the audience
00:09:46during my show
00:09:47so I'd like to do that
00:09:48right now
00:09:49hi sir
00:09:50what's your name
00:09:52my name's Will
00:09:53Will
00:09:54what a sexy
00:09:56unusual name Will
00:09:57where are you from
00:09:59I'm from Maryland
00:10:00Maryland
00:10:01ooh
00:10:02what a sexy
00:10:03unusual place
00:10:04see
00:10:06I love talking
00:10:07to normal people
00:10:07they're so fascinating
00:10:08when they're real
00:10:09like you sir
00:10:10hi
00:10:11what do you do
00:10:11for work
00:10:12venture capital
00:10:13awesome
00:10:14but honestly
00:10:19I can have chemistry
00:10:20with anything
00:10:21like this guy
00:10:22actually
00:10:25I can't with you
00:10:26you do look like
00:10:27my brother
00:10:27okay
00:10:28I'm just gonna go
00:10:30back up here
00:10:31the last fun thing
00:10:33I like to do
00:10:34at my concerts
00:10:34is arrest someone
00:10:35for being hot
00:10:36so who here
00:10:37can I arrest tonight
00:10:38uh not so fast
00:10:40Sabrina Carpenter
00:10:40you are under arrest
00:10:43for being hot
00:10:44no
00:10:45for falsely impersonating
00:10:47an officer 200 times
00:10:48at your concerts
00:10:49and you're arresting
00:10:51innocent hot people
00:10:53Kenan
00:10:54you're not a cop
00:10:55you're not even
00:10:55in a costume
00:10:56what are you doing here
00:10:57okay fine
00:10:58I'm here to get a cameo
00:11:00for my niece
00:11:01sure
00:11:03I would love to
00:11:04do you have
00:11:04$200,000
00:11:05goodbye
00:11:07well okay
00:11:10if anyone else
00:11:10wants one
00:11:11find me on Venmo
00:11:12we've got a great show
00:11:12for you tonight
00:11:13I'm here
00:11:14uh hey
00:11:35welcome to
00:11:36Snack Homies
00:11:36the podcast about
00:11:37snacks for your homies
00:11:39I'm Braylor
00:11:40here with
00:11:40Jason, Kyler
00:11:41and Thiessen
00:11:42what's up boys
00:11:43hey I'm Kyler
00:11:44gang gang
00:11:45and uh
00:11:47we're low key
00:11:4812 years old
00:11:48except Kyler
00:11:49he's 13
00:11:50he's unk
00:11:51no I'm not
00:11:52I'm not
00:11:53chill bro
00:11:54chill
00:11:54he got the
00:11:56LeBron hairline
00:11:57low key though
00:11:58so uh
00:12:01it's spooky season
00:12:02you know we all
00:12:03gotta talk
00:12:04best Halloween candy
00:12:05Jason
00:12:07do the honors
00:12:08bruh
00:12:08I bet
00:12:09I'm gonna kick
00:12:10things off
00:12:11with a controversial
00:12:12pick
00:12:12Twizzlers
00:12:13bro what
00:12:14twizzlers are
00:12:18washed bro
00:12:18twizzlers fell off
00:12:20it's like
00:12:20chewing on a
00:12:21tire bro
00:12:22I don't know
00:12:24twizzlers are fire
00:12:25to me
00:12:25I'm like a big
00:12:26twizzlers guy
00:12:27bet
00:12:29alright
00:12:29uh Jason
00:12:30so I'm gonna go
00:12:33ahead and say
00:12:33um airheads
00:12:34well airheads
00:12:36are fire
00:12:37tbh
00:12:38what flavor
00:12:39though red
00:12:40white mystery
00:12:41uh definitely
00:12:42blue
00:12:43yeah I was
00:12:44gonna say blue
00:12:45blue's valid
00:12:46blue's fire
00:12:47um you guys
00:12:49you guys try
00:12:50the sour ones
00:12:51fire
00:12:52sour ones are
00:12:53fire
00:12:54you gotta try
00:12:55them
00:12:55cool
00:12:56I'm gonna say
00:12:57snickers
00:12:57I'm a nut guy
00:12:58pause
00:12:59no chill
00:13:01no diddy
00:13:04facts facts
00:13:07okay uh let's
00:13:08go on to our
00:13:08next topic
00:13:09go to vegetables
00:13:10what do we
00:13:12think fellas
00:13:13uh we down
00:13:14with go to
00:13:14vegetables
00:13:14um it's like
00:13:16it's kind of a
00:13:17complicated question
00:13:19some vegetables
00:13:19are fire
00:13:20and some
00:13:21vegetables
00:13:21low key
00:13:22be a fruit
00:13:24like avocado
00:13:27yo what even
00:13:28is that
00:13:29how does it
00:13:30have like a
00:13:30wooden ball
00:13:31in the center
00:13:32yo yo
00:13:35but miss me
00:13:36with tomatoes
00:13:36though like the
00:13:37texture
00:13:38nah
00:13:39yo tomato
00:13:41is like if an
00:13:41apple was a
00:13:42girl
00:13:42that's so
00:13:45fact
00:13:45but girls are
00:13:46fire
00:13:47yeah so my
00:13:48sister she's
00:13:49low key chopped
00:13:49not gonna lie
00:13:50yeah um I've
00:13:53never had a
00:13:53vegetable low
00:13:54key
00:13:55wait for real
00:13:57unk never
00:13:58nah it's
00:14:00kind of gross
00:14:01wait but
00:14:01kyler they're
00:14:02like important
00:14:03though
00:14:04nah veggies
00:14:04veggies are
00:14:05low key chopped
00:14:06they're cooked
00:14:08especially when
00:14:09they're cooked
00:14:10wait so you've
00:14:13never had like
00:14:14a lettuce
00:14:14no lettuce is
00:14:15chopped
00:14:16no lettuce is
00:14:18fire when it's
00:14:19chopped
00:14:19no chopped
00:14:20like lettuce is
00:14:21cooked
00:14:21fire that's
00:14:22fire
00:14:23so fire
00:14:24yeah that's
00:14:25actually fire
00:14:26cool so I'm
00:14:27getting like a
00:14:28little lost
00:14:29actually
00:14:29yeah me too
00:14:31so fire
00:14:32okay let's move
00:14:34on to today's
00:14:35guest um you
00:14:36know him he's
00:14:37all over tiktok
00:14:38president donald j
00:14:39trump
00:14:40hello snack
00:14:42homies it's been
00:14:43a long time
00:14:44coming with
00:14:44regards to
00:14:45snacks and
00:14:47friendship and
00:14:48from the
00:14:48standpoint of
00:14:49podcast
00:14:50so sir do you
00:14:52have like a
00:14:53favorite vegetable
00:14:54you know brailler
00:14:55i've never been
00:14:57one for the
00:14:57veggies
00:14:58ding-dongs i
00:14:59like a ding-dong
00:15:00we love little
00:15:02debbie she does
00:15:02tremendous work
00:15:03it's awful what
00:15:04happened to her
00:15:04i use you know i
00:15:07like the christmas tree
00:15:08cake i like the
00:15:09christmas tree
00:15:10cake you know it
00:15:11used to be seasonal
00:15:11but i very smartly
00:15:14made a call and
00:15:16now we get it
00:15:17year-round
00:15:17dang that's so fire
00:15:20sir
00:15:20it is it's very fire
00:15:22it's very fire
00:15:23um what are your
00:15:25thoughts on airheads
00:15:26uh you know airheads
00:15:27are very interesting
00:15:28tyson you look at
00:15:29china you look at
00:15:30korea you know i've
00:15:32solved like seven
00:15:33wars at this point
00:15:34right no one gives
00:15:35me credit i've it's
00:15:37like a hundred wars
00:15:38i've solved right
00:15:39sure right
00:15:40something like two
00:15:41hundred wars right
00:15:42and you know
00:15:43zelinski he asked
00:15:44for tomahawks that
00:15:45could reach moscow
00:15:46and i used to not
00:15:48like that guy but
00:15:48he's tough okay he
00:15:49loves his country
00:15:50he loves his country
00:15:52you know who i do
00:15:52like is george santos
00:15:55he's weird he's a
00:15:57liar i think he's
00:15:58great we don't know
00:15:58anything about it
00:15:59he's one of our
00:15:59favorite people i
00:16:00don't know him at
00:16:01all i don't know
00:16:01anything about it
00:16:02he's one of our
00:16:02favorites you know
00:16:03the people are
00:16:05marching because
00:16:06they're happy he's
00:16:07free right it's a
00:16:08yes king march
00:16:09they're saying yes
00:16:10king so maybe if i
00:16:13think about it blue
00:16:14airhead
00:16:15i told you bro i
00:16:19told you that's
00:16:20fire thank you sir
00:16:21fire it's very fire
00:16:22now i have a
00:16:23question for you
00:16:24boys do you think
00:16:26i'm getting into
00:16:26heaven
00:16:27uh what do you
00:16:30mean sir am i going
00:16:31to heaven chat do i
00:16:33do i fit the criteria
00:16:35in terms of christian
00:16:37and with regard to
00:16:38saint peter and
00:16:40pearly gates
00:16:41um i don't know
00:16:46sir probably not
00:16:48right epstein oh
00:16:49well you know it's
00:16:52been a good run at a
00:16:53great time can i just
00:16:55say i think it's kind
00:16:56of goaded that everyone
00:16:57gets to like their own
00:16:58stuff well you're wrong
00:17:01unk is this unk is
00:17:03kyler unk i see the
00:17:04lebron thing now that i'm
00:17:05looking at yeah chad is
00:17:08uncooked i think unk is
00:17:09cooked
00:17:10yo trump just
00:17:13violated bro
00:17:14not chill
00:17:16not chill
00:17:17okay fire episode
00:17:20everyone thank you sir
00:17:21peace
00:17:22so what are you up to
00:17:30this week at chris and
00:17:32i are gonna hang at
00:17:32home which is exactly
00:17:34what i need we've had
00:17:35something to do the past
00:17:36five weekends in a row
00:17:37so i'm very much
00:17:39looking forward to doing
00:17:40literally nothing
00:17:42who's that babe my
00:17:47cousin she just texted
00:17:48me almost there what
00:17:52what does that mean
00:17:52oh god i think i think
00:17:56we have we have what
00:17:57plans
00:17:59from blumhouse the studio
00:18:03that brought you insidious
00:18:04and annabelle rise of
00:18:06whore doll comes a
00:18:07terrifying story about
00:18:08when the thing you
00:18:10agreed to do four months
00:18:11ago is today how can
00:18:14this happen let me think
00:18:15the fourth of july my
00:18:17mom's barbecue she said
00:18:20she wanted to come to the
00:18:20city in the fall oh my god
00:18:22we should come visit you
00:18:23we must have set a date
00:18:24which which cousin is it
00:18:25which cousin is it the one
00:18:29who runs marathons
00:18:30Tokyo i ran a class 1528 but
00:18:33i hadn't trained you really
00:18:34want to get into berlin the
00:18:35way i see it losing toenails
00:18:37is a badge of honor it's okay
00:18:38this is okay chris you guys
00:18:40can hang out and i'll just do
00:18:41my own thing chris i mean she's
00:18:42not my cousin's her husband is
00:18:47coming too
00:18:48the guy who always shows me
00:18:51youtube videos oh man you gotta
00:18:54see this i can't believe you
00:18:56haven't seen it
00:18:5711 minutes i found an email she
00:19:01sent in august no they want to
00:19:04do drinks here then dinner at
00:19:06that viral ramen place so crowded
00:19:08and overhyped then go to some
00:19:10immersive play based on the story
00:19:11of snow white the one where you're
00:19:12part of the show seven blocks
00:19:15seven lies just tell them we have
00:19:18covid they don't believe in that
00:19:21you thought you were safe hey
00:19:25want to see 1 000 pictures of my
00:19:29dog please no leave me alone
00:19:30please no no you thought you were
00:19:33alone i have opinions on politics i
00:19:37can't wait for you to hear them all
00:19:38you'll be fine it's just one night
00:19:41then we'll have the rest of the
00:19:42weekend to ourselves
00:19:42we're here why do they have
00:19:48suitcases you thought you were free
00:19:51didn't i tell you
00:19:53they're staying till monday
00:19:57okay this one's trouble hi
00:20:10shoppers red and bev here live on
00:20:13shop tv bev looking adorable you
00:20:17sir are a flirt oh just call me flirt
00:20:19russell flirt russell okay well we've
00:20:22got a lot of great deals coming up
00:20:24later in the hour the crafty
00:20:26christian returns that's right tim
00:20:28tucker needs here with his new
00:20:30jesus trick-or-treat
00:20:32look at that
00:20:34oh my god trick-or-treat smell my
00:20:38feet walk with christ down the
00:20:39halloween street
00:20:40oh my god he's a hoot our producer
00:20:44odell's over there smiling he's gonna
00:20:46buy one well speaking of halloween you
00:20:48know what the scariest thing of all is
00:20:50what airline travel oh i hate it it's
00:20:53the worst i'm uncomfortable well that is
00:20:56where our next seller comes in designer
00:20:58virginia duffy joins us with her new
00:21:02brand new ergonomic neck pillow and
00:21:06aren't you just the cutest tiniest
00:21:08thing look at this my nana always said
00:21:12short folks will be tall in heaven
00:21:14that made me a little sad actually right
00:21:19tell us about this pillow virginia
00:21:21well it's simply the most comfy travel
00:21:24pillow out there and it stays snug with
00:21:26magnetic snaps oh and it's yours for just
00:21:2939.99 why don't you prop this up and
00:21:33show the shoppers at home all the neat
00:21:35cushions inside okay oh fun snaps
00:21:40together oh that's neat okay i don't
00:21:46not not the best angle on that um okay
00:21:51so this outer layer here is made of
00:21:54memory foam right okay and then this
00:21:57inner layer is filled with a cool and
00:21:59gel odell why now please close up odell
00:22:02why now cool cool cool all right
00:22:04so two different labia layers layers
00:22:08layers very neat okay and it's available
00:22:12in ten different colors oh why would you
00:22:15bring the pink one
00:22:16so 39.99 on that and now let me explain
00:22:22what makes this pillow so great okay
00:22:24it's how it feels it feels so soft
00:22:28wow feel this rip oh i'm good
00:22:30all right okay blur this odell blur this odell
00:22:35oh yep it's unreal
00:22:37how does it feel feels a little wrong actually
00:22:42okay oh no oh no be gentle you can move your hand around there and put it in things oh no no no don't say that thank you okay i think we're done with that okay how about we go to the phones call her you're on shop tv what do you think of the new neck pillow i think it looks like a ladies
00:22:58and it gets better i don't know if you notice this little ball up here well you know what it did catch my eye just a little bit well that lines up with your next pressure point and actually vibrates
00:23:11if you touch it right here you'll be in heaven let me show you
00:23:18no no no no no no no no no no no thank you no no no i'm just gonna turn that off okay all right thank you
00:23:26have you ever felt anything like that oh not since my sophomore year of college
00:23:30all right let's just put this down here if that's okay get that out of the way
00:23:36all right so 39.99 now vagina i'm sorry virginia
00:23:41i'm so sorry about that i'm told you have a special offer for our shoppers
00:23:46that's right if you order in the next five minutes i will upgrade your pillow to the deluxe version for free
00:23:52with the faux fur lining
00:23:56that is all right okay yes let's take a call hey there caller you're on uh you're on shop tv
00:24:07uh hi is the deluxe pillow available in redhead
00:24:11hang up hang up yeah the fur is available in dark brown or camel hair okay yay yay yay next caller hi there
00:24:19yeah so uh you make any of that are less pretty more i don't know like been around the block
00:24:27hang on
00:24:28i don't understand his question good good now this is machine washable correct
00:24:36it is easy to clean no one wants to get one of these all stinky
00:24:40yeah okay um i do hang on jesse is still on the line odell hang up on him
00:24:46well thanks for joining us virginia wait wait wait i can't leave before you try it out
00:24:52right get in here uh-oh why oh you want me to go okay okay i'm gonna go through this there i go
00:24:58oh oh run run and yay don't play a baby sound effect odell disgusting well this has been fun
00:25:11virginia i designed the packaging myself can i show your viewers the box well i think you already did
00:25:17honey we'll be right back after this quick break it actually is super comfy
00:25:23i can't believe you talked me into this i mean a girl boss female confidence seminar it's not just
00:25:43any seminar it's queen leisha she teaches confidence through motivational speech and dancing
00:25:48her seminars on girl boss grind set literally feel like a party here she comes now
00:25:54all right okay who's excited to get this girl boss party started i am queen leisha
00:26:01girls by coming here you're already on the road to success so you don't have to feel insecurity
00:26:08or fomo no mo now everyone wave goodbye to your haters in the rear view now get up confidence
00:26:15confidence let's do it let's dance period
00:26:17okay this is actually kind of fun but man they're really swinging her around love
00:26:30yeah go off queen leisha
00:26:35oh my god oh my god oh no is she okay
00:26:44yeah oh man my head okay i'm okay nothing could get me down now let's dance
00:26:55are we sure she's okay because it looks like she hit her head directly into that dumpster
00:27:02she's fine girl nothing stops the queen now listen up girls you want your haters to be jealous
00:27:09well jealousy is a disease and the vaccine because when everyone around you you know you're doing
00:27:17something doing and that's on period let's dance
00:27:20oh i think she has a concussion that didn't make any sense that just means you don't believe in
00:27:29yourself girl oh girls tune out the fomo and get ready to fly like the original icon amelia
00:27:36erhart she broke the glass ceiling by being the first woman to ever die and that's my period
00:27:41like that was just nonsense now who here has a problem oh i do queen so i'm up for a promotion
00:27:54at work but i think my co-worker susan is trying to sabotage me what do i do girl there's a special
00:28:00place now for women who are women but when you're in the fire of success the only thing susan b is
00:28:05anthony and i'm on my period she needs to go to the hospital you guys come on stop you're gonna make
00:28:14it worse
00:28:15what is your deal do you just hate other women i'm worried she has a brain injury
00:28:25all right now who here wants to be rich who wants to drive a nice car and live in a gay community
00:28:32does she mean gated community who wants to have a rocking body and be next for neighbors with sean
00:28:39hayes so she did mean a gay community well if you want to do that you're gonna have to replace your
00:28:47fomo with fomo oh no no no no what does that stand for i'll tell you it it stands for fear of missing
00:28:55out on me or not on other people's expectations of me while i'm on my way to living my dream life
00:29:00in the car of success yeah that's what it stands for and you just got your period
00:29:04wait so that was planned and stop dancing you're gonna hurt her again
00:29:11another window successfully prepared suppose i'll just be on my way
00:29:19that was a relief my window is still safe oh no felicia no
00:29:26what was that queen leisha queen leisha my girl we we gotta get you to the hospital
00:29:42you clearly have a concussion do i
00:29:46or is your internalized misogyny so deep-rooted that a woman being confident
00:29:55and inspiring it just sounds like nonsense to you
00:29:59you know what maybe you're right thanks queen leisha
00:30:04you know what girl it's finally time to see you eyeing me at school it's been on both the
00:30:34of my mind and i'm feeling prone 12 sprays of my dad's clone
00:30:39we could get pg-13 if you know what i mean
00:30:44it's almost 6 p.m time to hit the sound just got my braces tight and boy it's gonna go down i can't deny it might have to try it yeah that one special thing i know just what you need
00:31:03and we're in my mom's car rolling up to the school cherry chopstick
00:31:08yeah we're breaking the rules and i know that it's wrong but it's feeling so right
00:31:15we're 13 but tonight is tonight we're gonna grind back and forth
00:31:21it's one time
00:31:28over the pants and romancing hot and heavy we're dancing
00:31:32it's one time
00:31:35our bodies changing and so is the face but i'll try not to scream while she steps on my feet
00:31:48i don't know and i'm scared
00:31:57i don't know and i'm scared
00:32:01gonna grind front to front what's your front to me it's going time
00:32:06i'm getting loose of the sun capri i got my butt on his crotch and all the chaperones watching
00:32:14i could be writing my novel
00:32:27upstate in a cottage
00:32:29instead i'm stuck here supervising pre-teen frottage
00:32:33so i leave my body let them have their fun
00:32:38cause no one riding on me when i was young
00:32:41we're gonna grind our addiction so insane and dirty
00:32:46it's one time hurry up the dance is done at 8 30
00:32:50cause this is middle school loving awkward pushing and shoving
00:32:55we're gonna grind
00:32:57with godness of the song
00:33:03hey can you touch my butt i thought the guy was supposed to do that to the girl
00:33:07no no i hear it's whatever the person wants
00:33:12you like that yeah all right i'm calling
00:33:20i think i love you oh no thank you
00:33:37ladies and gentlemen sabrina carpenter
00:33:42you said your phone was broken just forgot to charge
00:34:00hold out what you're wearing god i hope it's ironic
00:34:04did you just say you're finished
00:34:06didn't know we started it's all just so familiar baby what do you call it
00:34:12stupid
00:34:14stupid or is it
00:34:17slow maybe it's
00:34:20useless
00:34:22but there's a cue to work for it
00:34:25i know
00:34:26i know
00:34:39i know
00:34:41i know
00:34:43i know
00:34:45i know
00:34:47i know
00:34:51i know
00:34:53i know
00:34:55i know
00:34:57i know
00:34:59i know
00:35:03why
00:35:07i know
00:35:09i know
00:35:11i know
00:35:13i know
00:35:15i know
00:35:17i know
00:35:19i know
00:35:30and
00:35:31yeah
00:35:33i know
00:35:35Innocent won't be
00:35:37Never hurt
00:35:39No self-care
00:35:40Half your brain just ain't there
00:35:44Man, child
00:35:47Why you always gonna run and take it off
00:35:53Oh, I like my boys playing hard to get
00:35:57And I like my man, I'm incompetent
00:36:01And I swear they choose me
00:36:03I'm not choosing them
00:36:05Amen
00:36:06Oh, I like my boys playing hard to get
00:36:13And I like my man, I'm incompetent
00:36:17And I swear they choose me
00:36:19I'm not choosing them
00:36:21Amen
00:36:21Amen
00:36:23Man, child
00:36:26Why you always gonna run and take it off
00:36:31If I'm not
00:36:33If I'm not
00:36:35Oh, you let an innocent woman be
00:36:39No
00:36:40Am I
00:36:45My man, I'm incompetent
00:36:47And I swear they choose me
00:36:50I'm not choosing them
00:36:52Amen
00:36:52Amen
00:36:54Amen
00:36:55Woo, yeah
00:36:56Wasn't it
00:37:01Yeah
00:37:02Oh, you know
00:37:03God
00:37:03Covered
00:37:04Oh, yeah
00:37:04Oh, yeah
00:37:05Oh, yeah
00:37:06Oh, yeah
00:37:06Oh, yeah
00:37:10Oh, yeah
00:37:11Yeah
00:37:11Oh, yeah
00:37:12Oh, yeah
00:37:12Oh, yeah
00:37:44Good evening, everyone.
00:37:54Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Chay.
00:37:56I'm Colin Jost.
00:37:57Well, yesterday, President Trump finally released what everyone has been asking him to release.
00:38:04Nice.
00:38:04George Santos.
00:38:06The former Republican congressman who had pled guilty to fraud and something called aggravated
00:38:13identity theft, which I think is when you push someone into a closet and switch clothes
00:38:17with them, is now free and will face zero consequences.
00:38:22But Santos says that he's a changed man and he even released a photo of his new prison
00:38:27body.
00:38:28Lord Mayor Zelensky has said that if President Trump provides Ukraine with Tomahawk missiles,
00:38:36he will nominate Trump for a Nobel Peace Prize.
00:38:39You know, the prize they give you for selling missiles.
00:38:42There was outrage this week over a leaked group chat between Republican leaders which praised
00:38:48Hitler and referred to black Americans as watermelon people.
00:38:51The chat was named Jost's family.
00:38:59What did I do to you?
00:39:02While traveling on Air Force One to the Middle East to celebrate the ceasefire, President
00:39:06Trump told reporters, I don't think there's anything that's going to get me into heaven.
00:39:11Then he paused for 10 full minutes waiting for someone to say, that's not true.
00:39:16Because Trump can't go to heaven.
00:39:20He's far too busy down here running hell.
00:39:25President Trump announced that another alleged drug smuggling boat from Venezuela has been
00:39:30blown out of the water without warning.
00:39:32And you may not think that's a big deal right now, but one day soon, you'll look at yourself
00:39:37in the mirror and realize you're out of cocaine.
00:39:40President Trump criticized Time magazine for using a bad picture of him on the cover, saying,
00:39:51quote, they disappeared my hair.
00:39:54And I got to agree, that thing do look waxed.
00:39:57John Bolton, who wants people to stop coming up to him to order chicken, has become the
00:40:10third person on President Trump's enemies list to be indicted.
00:40:15And you know you aren't living your life right when you keep an actual list of your enemies.
00:40:20At least that's what my therapist told me.
00:40:22So now she's on the list, too.
00:40:27Hundreds of people in Portland sent a message to ICE to leave their city by riding their
00:40:34bikes naked through the rain.
00:40:36And you're not going to believe this.
00:40:37It didn't work.
00:40:42A new report shows that of the nearly 100 Trump nominees confirmed by the Senate, only
00:40:48two of them were black.
00:40:50Two black people out of 100?
00:40:51I mean, what is this, my Tinder matches?
00:40:56Nope.
00:40:57I liked it.
00:40:59Argentine President Javier Malay, seen here asking if he makes you horny, baby.
00:41:06Met with President Trump at the White House this week, where Trump announced he's sending
00:41:11$40 billion to Argentina.
00:41:14Because if history is any guide, a lot of Trump officials will end up fleeing to Argentina.
00:41:19Hey, one clap.
00:41:27In the clinching game of the NLCS, Dodgers star Shohei Ohtani pitched six scoreless innings,
00:41:36struck out 10 batters, then hit three home runs.
00:41:39It is a feat, it is a feat previously only accomplished by George Santos.
00:41:47During the first New York mayoral debate, Andrew Cuomo attacked Zoran Mamdani, saying that he once
00:41:53gave the finger to the Columbus Day statue, whereas Cuomo snuck up behind the statue and
00:41:59grabbed it by the hips.
00:42:00Well, Halloween is right around the corner, which means it's officially scary movie season.
00:42:09Here to comment is Weekend Update's resident cinephile, The Movie Guy.
00:42:13How's everybody doing tonight?
00:42:19I'm The Movie Guy.
00:42:22And I'm here to talk about a scary movie.
00:42:26Ooh.
00:42:29Scary.
00:42:30All right.
00:42:31Scary movies.
00:42:32Well, Movie Guy, let's start with Black Phone 2.
00:42:35That just came out this weekend.
00:42:36Oh, yeah.
00:42:37Black Phone 2.
00:42:38Ring, ring.
00:42:39Hello?
00:42:39Oh, sorry, you had the wrong number, because I have not seen that one yet.
00:42:46Oh.
00:42:47Okay, well, I guess it just came out.
00:42:49What about the biggest horror movie of the year, Weapons?
00:42:51Oh, yeah, Weapons.
00:42:52That was a very big movie, Colin.
00:42:55Everybody saw Weapons, and I have to tell you, I was not one of those people.
00:43:01Do you even like scary movies?
00:43:03Oh, I love scary movies, because in the title, they tell you what's going to happen.
00:43:08Like, cream.
00:43:10Everybody cream.
00:43:13Smile.
00:43:14Everybody smile.
00:43:16And saw.
00:43:17Everybody saw.
00:43:19Except me.
00:43:20I did not see saw.
00:43:23Okay.
00:43:24All right.
00:43:25Well, what about, like, classic horror movies, like The Exorcist?
00:43:28Oh.
00:43:30The Exorcist.
00:43:31That's about a scary child.
00:43:34But you know who is the scariest child?
00:43:38Tui.
00:43:38Jesus.
00:43:40Who?
00:43:41Tui.
00:43:42Tui?
00:43:43Tui Griffiths, man.
00:43:44Come on.
00:43:46Come on.
00:43:47Yeah.
00:43:47His father is fat.
00:43:49His mother is skinny.
00:43:51And she always getting so mad at him.
00:43:53And I can see why.
00:43:55It's because his head looked like a vagina destroyer.
00:44:01What are you talking about?
00:44:04I'm talking about a scary movie, man.
00:44:06Come on.
00:44:06Not really.
00:44:07You know what movie is very scary?
00:44:09Uh-huh.
00:44:09The one with Michael Myers.
00:44:11Oh, yes.
00:44:12Of course.
00:44:12Classic Halloween.
00:44:13Michael Myers.
00:44:14No, no, no.
00:44:14Michael Myers.
00:44:16Shrek, my brother.
00:44:17This movie is about every man's biggest fear.
00:44:23You're going to sleep with a beautiful woman.
00:44:26And then you're waking up and go, how drunk was I last night?
00:44:32You know what I'm talking about, Khaled.
00:44:34You know.
00:44:35You know what I'm talking about.
00:44:36You know what I'm talking about.
00:44:37Leave me out of this, OK?
00:44:39Can we focus on scary movies, OK?
00:44:41I know what you did last summer.
00:44:43OK.
00:44:43What did I do?
00:44:45I don't know.
00:44:46OK, then why would you say something like that?
00:44:49What about the movie It?
00:44:51I did not see that.
00:44:55That's alien?
00:44:57No, Colin.
00:44:58I am an American citizen.
00:45:00No.
00:45:04All right.
00:45:05Movie guy.
00:45:06I feel like I should have said this two minutes ago,
00:45:09but it's time to wrap it up.
00:45:11OK.
00:45:12But before I go, can I do a joke?
00:45:15Sure.
00:45:17Sure.
00:45:18You can tell a joke.
00:45:18OK.
00:45:20This is a joke about a scary movie from 2008, OK?
00:45:25The movie is One Missed Call.
00:45:28In this movie, the phone rings.
00:45:31And if you don't pick it up, you die.
00:45:33And I'm like, is this movie about my mother?
00:45:37Am I right, guys?
00:45:40Movie guy, everyone.
00:45:42Happy Halloween, everybody.
00:45:45That's nice to meet you.
00:45:47That's nice to meet you.
00:45:48You're going to need a five.
00:45:51Skims has introduced a new line of thong underwear
00:45:54called Ultimate Bush, which features synthetic pubic hair.
00:45:58And I know a guy who could wear it as a scarf.
00:46:00Retailers are saying that the top kids' costumes
00:46:08for Halloween this year are the K-pop Demon Hunters,
00:46:12or as it's sold at Spirit Halloween,
00:46:14Asian singing murderers.
00:46:22Visitors to the San Diego Zoo's gorilla exhibit
00:46:25were startled when one of the apes shattered the glass ceiling.
00:46:29Oh.
00:46:34Inspiring.
00:46:35I'm proud of the apes.
00:46:37Inspiring.
00:46:38Britain's Prince Andrew announced that after a discussion
00:46:41with King Charles about his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein,
00:46:43he will stop using his royal title Duke of York
00:46:46and instead will go by the King of Quinceaneras.
00:46:54I'm proud of that joke.
00:46:58Do it.
00:46:59Officials are saying this year's fall foliage season
00:47:03will end sooner and will have more muted colors.
00:47:06Cool.
00:47:07Guess I'll just kill myself then.
00:47:13What happened to you, man?
00:47:15Doctors in China transplanted
00:47:17a genetically modified fake liver
00:47:19into a man who lived for 171 days after the procedure.
00:47:24The liver will now be sent to a special facility
00:47:26for experimental animal organs.
00:47:35You okay, bud?
00:47:36Yeah, I'm doing great.
00:47:37Census data shows that New York is ranked
00:47:40as one of the states with the most residents moving out.
00:47:43Here to talk about that is someone who just moved in,
00:47:45new cast member Tommy Brennan.
00:47:47Hi, Colin.
00:47:51Hey, Tommy.
00:47:52Welcome.
00:47:53So you just moved to New York.
00:47:54What do you think so far?
00:47:55Well, it's a little different from home.
00:47:57I'm from the Midwest.
00:47:58Not sure if you can tell from my kind eyes
00:48:00and secret drinking problem, but...
00:48:02I'm from, like, a big Minnesotan family.
00:48:05I'm one of eight kids.
00:48:07Eight kids.
00:48:07Wow, you did not see that a lot.
00:48:08Yeah, I think probably because it's the wrong choice.
00:48:12Like, eight is too many kids.
00:48:16You know how I know that?
00:48:17We had a cafeteria-style milk machine at home.
00:48:20We had a milkman.
00:48:22Tim the milkman was, like, a big part of my life.
00:48:24He'd show up.
00:48:25He'd replace the milk.
00:48:26We'd play catch.
00:48:27He'd call me son.
00:48:27I'd be like, why do I look so much like you?
00:48:31It sounds like you grew up in, like, the 1930s.
00:48:34Well, yeah, I didn't, but I do kind of look like I did.
00:48:37Like, I look like a locket photo during World War I.
00:48:43You know, like, I look like a guy
00:48:44who was really good at football pre-integration.
00:48:51I will say, I think the way I grew up
00:48:55has really helped me adjust to New York.
00:48:57Like, everyone says public transit is wild.
00:49:00But for my entire childhood,
00:49:03the ten of us rode around in a seven-seater Chevy Astrovan.
00:49:06So anywhere we drove,
00:49:08it kind of looked like we were being trafficked.
00:49:11So I love the subway.
00:49:12I can hang down there.
00:49:13I've been watching people jump over those turnstiles.
00:49:15And today, I finally worked up the courage,
00:49:18and I jumped my first one.
00:49:20Hey, that's great.
00:49:21Oh, man.
00:49:22Congrats, buddy.
00:49:23Jumped your first turnstile.
00:49:24Yeah, it was cool.
00:49:25It was exhilarating.
00:49:26It was thrilling.
00:49:27It was on the way out.
00:49:30But it felt good.
00:49:33It still counts, you know?
00:49:35Yeah, it counts.
00:49:35It counts.
00:49:36So you're a good boy.
00:49:37Sure, yeah.
00:49:43Yeah, I'm a good boy.
00:49:44I guess I'm just, like, really scared of being in trouble all the time,
00:49:49because I grew up Catholic,
00:49:50which means I grew up, like, feeling guilty,
00:49:53but I never knew what for.
00:49:55Because when you're a kid, when you grow up Catholic,
00:49:57like, the only sins you really know are, like,
00:50:00breaking the Ten Commandments.
00:50:01Like, don't steal, don't kill,
00:50:03you have the right to bear arms or whatever.
00:50:05And so I never really knew what to say, like, in confession,
00:50:09because I couldn't confess to the one sin
00:50:11that me and every other 12-year-old boy
00:50:13was committing constantly.
00:50:15You know, what I referred to back then as Tommy time?
00:50:19You know, shucking my corn.
00:50:22Yeah.
00:50:22Yeah.
00:50:23I bet, like, at confession, I couldn't be like,
00:50:25yeah, I've been going to town on myself lately.
00:50:27It's kind of all I do.
00:50:29Honestly, it's consuming my life, Father,
00:50:31and if I wasn't in here, that's what I'd be doing.
00:50:33You know?
00:50:34Can't say that, because then he'd be like,
00:50:35thought, you can do it in here, I'm doing it.
00:50:38Tommy Brant, everyone.
00:50:39I'm Colin.
00:50:41Break it up there.
00:50:42I'm Colin Gersh.
00:50:43I'm Michael St.
00:50:44The man.
00:51:00Okay, well, next time, I guess.
00:51:01Hey, you folks looking for a new washer and dryer?
00:51:05Oh, yes.
00:51:06Absolutely.
00:51:07Well, fear not.
00:51:08We have plenty of great options for you.
00:51:10We have this great eco-friendly model here,
00:51:13and you'll like this.
00:51:14When it's done, it does this fun little jingle.
00:51:19Oh, that is a fun jingle.
00:51:21Wouldn't mind getting that stuck in my head.
00:51:22You know what you should get stuck in your head?
00:51:24Our anniversary.
00:51:25It's today.
00:51:26Once you cheated, I chose to forget.
00:51:33Well, we also have this LG model.
00:51:37It's 50% off, and when it's done, you'll hear this.
00:51:41Ooh, half off.
00:51:42That's great.
00:51:43Yeah, but it doesn't have that jingle.
00:51:45I really like that.
00:51:46Well, if it's a jingle you crave,
00:51:48I do have this special washer-dryer duo.
00:51:51Now, I don't show these to just anyone.
00:51:54Your clothes are done, your clothes are done.
00:52:01I wait a minute, I wash them, and your clothes are done.
00:52:03I'm the washer.
00:52:05Do, do.
00:52:06I'm the dryer.
00:52:07Do, do.
00:52:08We washed all your clothes, got the stains right out,
00:52:11and they're almost totally dry.
00:52:16Okay.
00:52:17Whoa.
00:52:18I really like that.
00:52:19Kind of a swinging 20s vibe.
00:52:20Very fun.
00:52:21Yeah, I don't know.
00:52:22At the end, they said the clothes will be almost totally dry.
00:52:26That seems bad.
00:52:27Mm-hmm.
00:52:28Tell me, ma'am, do you ever wash delicates?
00:52:31Oh, yes, actually.
00:52:32When he goes out of town, I tend to wash a lot of delicates.
00:52:39Oh, child,
00:52:42Come rest your weary head
00:52:47We ate two of your shirts.
00:52:59Yum.
00:53:02Wow, that was beautiful.
00:53:04Look, sir, I'll be frank.
00:53:06I tend to eat a lot of spaghetti on my bicycle.
00:53:09How's the power wash setting?
00:53:11Hmm.
00:53:11You tell me.
00:53:16Give me that power wash.
00:53:20Oh, perfect.
00:53:22That's how long they all should be.
00:53:23Give me that power wash.
00:53:26Give me that power.
00:53:28Give me those dirty clothes.
00:53:30I'll make it louder.
00:53:32Give me that power wash.
00:53:34Go for an hour.
00:53:36They won't get dirtier
00:53:38Unless they do
00:53:40Sold!
00:53:42What?
00:53:43They just said the clothes might get dirtier.
00:53:46Okay, babe, look, let's do a pros and cons list.
00:53:49Pros.
00:53:49The songs are dynamite, and I'm attracted to the machines.
00:53:53And you haven't even heard about the permanent press setting.
00:53:58Well, well, well.
00:54:00You want to know about permanent press?
00:54:02Well, you've come to the right place.
00:54:04It might even give a try.
00:54:06Let us thank you for a spin!
00:54:08Permanent press!
00:54:18Permanent!
00:54:22Pressed!
00:54:23Permanent press!
00:54:24Permanent press!
00:54:25Or...
00:54:27Permanent!
00:54:31Pressed!
00:54:32Permanent press!
00:54:33Permanent press!
00:54:34We'll know what that is.
00:54:38Yeah!
00:54:45We'll take them both.
00:54:48Sold!
00:55:04Don't you just love it when it's someone's birthday in the office?
00:55:12It makes a regular day feel special.
00:55:13Every day's special when I'm working with my crush.
00:55:16Liz, you know I'm married to a model.
00:55:18Okay, she's coming.
00:55:20Everybody hide.
00:55:21Oh, get the voice, get the voice.
00:55:24Sister-
00:55:29Don't hurt me!
00:55:31Oh!
00:55:36Oh!
00:55:38Oh!
00:55:41Oh!
00:55:43Oh!
00:55:45Oh!
00:55:48Oh!
00:55:51Oh!
00:55:53Oh!
00:55:54Oh!
00:55:55Oh!
00:55:57Oh!
00:56:02Happy?
00:56:03Jesus Christ.
00:56:07I'm sorry, Laura.
00:56:09We just wanted to do something for your birthday.
00:56:12Oh, you sure did.
00:56:13I'm feeling pretty special right now.
00:56:16Sorry.
00:56:17We thought you'd like it.
00:56:19You thought I was like what?
00:56:20Walking into a dark room thinking I'm being attacked?
00:56:22I almost passed out!
00:56:23I think you just got scared and farted a little.
00:56:28Okay.
00:56:29Can we just work?
00:56:31God!
00:56:32Yeah, sure.
00:56:33Let's start the meeting.
00:56:34I think that's a great idea.
00:56:36I mean, is this what you guys wanted, huh?
00:56:46To see me lose full control of my body?
00:56:47Laura, seriously, we're sorry.
00:56:49You know what?
00:56:51You know what?
00:56:52I think I'm just gonna open my presents alone in my office if that's okay.
00:56:56Oh, um, I don't know that we have more presents.
00:57:01More presents?
00:57:02That was my present?
00:57:04I mean, where do you guys even get an idea for something like this?
00:57:07I mean, it's actually a pretty common thing.
00:57:10Most people laugh.
00:57:12Well, I laughed too, guess.
00:57:14Just not out of my butt.
00:57:17I mean, I laughed too, I guess.
00:57:20Just not out of my mouth.
00:57:22Who do I send the thank you note to? Everyone?
00:57:31We're sorry.
00:57:32Most people like it, okay?
00:57:34Let's just put it behind us.
00:57:36Oh, you want to put it behind us?
00:57:37No.
00:57:38You know what?
00:57:39Since everyone likes it so much, let's see what Jen thinks.
00:57:41Jen!
00:57:42Jen, can you come in here, please?
00:57:44Surprise!
00:57:45Oh!
00:57:46Oh!
00:57:47Oh!
00:57:48Oh!
00:57:49Oh!
00:57:50Oh!
00:57:51Oh!
00:57:52See?
00:57:53Yeah, I think that was you again.
00:57:54Okay.
00:57:55Jen, go, go, go, just go.
00:57:56You know what?
00:57:57Can I just know whose idea this was so I can sleep tonight?
00:58:13It was mine.
00:58:15Yeah, I knew it.
00:58:16You've been out for me since the beginning, so.
00:58:18I started a week ago.
00:58:20You want my job, and you've made that very clear.
00:58:23I think I'm above you.
00:58:25You are?
00:58:26I think so.
00:58:27Is that true?
00:58:28Is that real?
00:58:29Yeah, I mean, I think we all are.
00:58:31What?
00:58:32Since when?
00:58:33Over time, I guess we all just got promoted.
00:58:35Well, but I'm, I'm, I was right, I thought I was right under the C, the CEO!
00:58:40Why would you think that?
00:58:43I'm the CSO!
00:58:44It says it on the mug you guys gave me.
00:58:46It stands for Chief Snack Officer.
00:58:50It was a joke because you're addicted to veggie straws.
00:58:54Oh!
00:58:55So how much you guys make?
00:58:57We're not doing that.
00:59:00How much you make?
00:59:01Come on.
00:59:02I'm not saying.
00:59:04Hey, how much do you make?
00:59:05Over there, you.
00:59:06How much do you make?
00:59:07You need to stop.
00:59:08Okay, fine.
00:59:09Everyone just raise your hand if you make more than $9.50 an hour.
00:59:17You're not even salaried?
00:59:18Salaried?
00:59:19What does that mean?
00:59:20What is that?
00:59:21What's salary?
00:59:22You don't know what a salary is and you thought you were an executive.
00:59:25Oh!
00:59:27Oh my God, I just bought a second house.
00:59:30How?
00:59:31Oh, am I still allowed to fire people?
00:59:33You were never allowed to fire people.
00:59:36Cool.
00:59:37Great birthday, everybody.
00:59:40Farted and got demoted.
00:59:45You weren't demoted.
00:59:46You just learned what your job is.
00:59:49Great.
00:59:50Then I just farted.
00:59:57I have to go.
00:59:59Wait, Laura.
01:00:00It's your birthday.
01:00:02You deserve a real gift.
01:00:04I mean, is there anything we can do to make you happy?
01:00:06To make up for all this?
01:00:08Anything?
01:00:09Yeah, whatever.
01:00:10Tell us.
01:00:12Tell me how much you make.
01:00:15Fine.
01:00:16180K.
01:00:20Plus benefits.
01:00:26And stock options.
01:00:30Stop giving her details.
01:00:32Then, Laura, maybe I could talk to HR about getting you a promotion too?
01:00:39Okay, we have got to get out of this room.
01:00:43Okay, who's ready for cake?
01:00:45Oh no!
01:00:48What?
01:00:49Oh!
01:00:50Guess we thought the office was going to blow up because of Laura's embarrassing...
01:00:56Party City.
01:00:57Just get balloons.
01:01:06Once again, Sabrina Carpenter.
01:01:08I hope you're great.
01:01:09I think it's time we took a break.
01:01:14So I can grow emotionally.
01:01:18That's what he said to me.
01:01:19Here we go again.
01:01:20Crying in a bad mood.
01:01:21Familiar feeling all the time.
01:01:22I think it's time we took a break.
01:01:23Love you, too.
01:01:24I think it's time we took a break.
01:01:26I think it's time we took a break.
01:01:27I think it's time we took a break.
01:01:29So I can grow emotionally.
01:01:33Emotionally, that's what he said to me.
01:01:42Here we go again, crying in bed, but a familiar feeling.
01:01:48All my friends are loving, I'm the one they call for a third reason.
01:01:53Probably should have guessed, he's like the rest.
01:01:56So fine and so deceiving, there's nobody stuck.
01:02:00But it's not, not anyone left for me to believe in.
01:02:20Oh yeah, I'm good to start that he eventually would.
01:02:29Came in, reach out, but no serene.
01:02:34We discovered self-control this week.
01:02:41Here we go again, crying in bed, but a familiar feeling.
01:02:47All my friends are loving, I'm the one they call for a third reason.
01:02:52Probably should have guessed, he's like the rest.
01:02:55So fine and so deceiving, there's nobody stuck.
01:02:59Nobody said, not anyone left for me to believe in.
01:03:05Believe in love.
01:03:06Believe in love.
01:03:10Oh, that boy is corrupt.
01:03:19But you always tend to love me, baby.
01:03:24You sure fucked me up.
01:03:26Yes, I'm talking about your baby, that boy is corrupt
01:03:32DST on her daily, you sure pick me up
01:03:37Yes, I'm talking about your baby
01:03:41Here we go again, crying, but what else do you mean?
01:03:47All my friends are loving, I'm the one who may call for a
01:03:51Probably should have guessed, he's like the rest, so funny, so deceit
01:03:57Well, there's nobody, not anyone left for me to believe in
01:04:21Now, I don't know about you, but growing up, I was always told to never judge a book by its cover
01:04:30But when I watch the news, I feel like nobody else remembers that lesson
01:04:36So I wanted to put that to the test tonight with a little social experiment
01:04:49I fill the theater with professional actors
01:04:52Dressed to look stereotypically dangerous or scary
01:04:55Not the type one might expect to encounter in an upscale neighborhood
01:04:59I wanted to see if people would judge them based on their appearances
01:05:02And what I found, frankly, disappointed me
01:05:05Okay, first guy's going in
01:05:19But it wasn't just him
01:05:29Everyone was judging my actors based on their appearances
01:05:32Even this lady, who I thought would be woke because of the haircut
01:05:39Miss, Miss, why'd you leave that movie theater?
01:05:44Because everyone was dressed as Frankenstein
01:05:46And the movie I wanted to see does not have Frankenstein in it
01:05:50Wow, so you assume they were there to see a movie about Frankenstein
01:05:54Just because of the color of their skin?
01:05:56Well, the color of their skin was green
01:05:58She just said the quiet part out loud
01:06:00So if you walked into a theater to see the Fantastic Four
01:06:04And the whole audience was Asian
01:06:06What would you assume then?
01:06:08What would you assume?
01:06:10Everyone was failing my test
01:06:16And before long, my Frankensteins were starting to lose faith
01:06:19Even my own girlfriend failed
01:06:21When I performed the same experiment in her apartment
01:06:23We broke up three months ago
01:06:27As my experiment evolved
01:06:30I found that people judged anyone who looked differently
01:06:33Even a friendly face
01:06:35I had reached a low point
01:06:39Also, that Frankenstein who I thought fell asleep
01:06:42Actually had died
01:06:44But then, finally
01:06:46One man walked into that theater without judgment
01:06:49This man had no reaction at all
01:06:57To being in a theater full of Frankensteins
01:06:59Not before, during, or after the movie
01:07:02I had to talk to him
01:07:05Excuse me
01:07:05What's up?
01:07:06Why didn't you judge the Frankensteins?
01:07:08Who's Frankenstein?
01:07:10Frankenstein
01:07:10You've never heard of Frankenstein?
01:07:12I know Tom Frankenberg
01:07:14Mary Shelley's Frankenstein?
01:07:16I love Mary Shelley
01:07:17How have you heard of Mary Shelley but not Frankenstein?
01:07:19I took gothic literature, yeah
01:07:20You took gothic literature and you have not heard of Frankenstein?
01:07:24Nah, I didn't ring any bells
01:07:25Who was that?
01:07:25Everyone in the theater was green
01:07:27Like Shrek
01:07:27Frankenstein
01:07:28I know Tom Frankenberg
01:07:30You already told me about Tom Frankenberg
01:07:32I had never been so confused by a guy in my life
01:07:35But then later
01:07:36As I was reflecting on the meaning of life
01:07:38I realized
01:07:39That the only way to truly rid the world of judgment
01:07:42Was through the power of song
01:07:45We are Frankenstein
01:07:48No need to judge us
01:07:53We are the ones
01:07:55They are the people that came to life
01:07:59And that's our show
01:08:14Thank you everybody
01:08:15Thank you so much to Lauren
01:08:17Thank you to the amazing cast and crew
01:08:19This has been one of my biggest dreams
01:08:21And I'm so, so grateful
01:08:23Thank you guys for having me
01:08:24Thank you for laughing
01:08:25And thank you for being such an amazing audience
01:08:27And I hope you have a great night tonight
01:08:29Thank you for being such an amazing host
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