Saturday Night Live - Season 51 Episode 01- Bad Bunny - Doja Cat
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00:00:00Earlier this week, Secretary of War Pete Hegson had the brilliant idea to gather all of our
00:00:08nation's top generals in one place at one time.
00:00:11And to throw our enemies off the scent, he told them exactly where and when it would
00:00:15happen.
00:00:16We take you to this meeting now.
00:00:24Ten hut!
00:00:26Welcome, generals.
00:00:27You all have dedicated your lives to defending this nation, and as a reward, you will now
00:00:34be yelled at by a former Fox News host.
00:00:38Please welcome the Secretary of War, Pete Hegseth.
00:00:53Yeah!
00:00:54Cut the track!
00:00:57Now, listen up, everyone, okay?
00:01:00I summon all of you here today to address a serious problem, okay?
00:01:06Our military is gay as hell!
00:01:10And I'm not just talking about the Navy.
00:01:12Thanks to failed liberal policies, our army has never been gayer, and yet it's also never
00:01:23been fatter!
00:01:25Make that make sense!
00:01:28Am I right?
00:01:28Y'all are fun!
00:01:29Y'all are fun!
00:01:29From now on, our fighting men, and I guess women, are going to adhere to the highest male
00:01:43standard, which has been set by our president, Donald J. Trump.
00:01:48Six foot six, buck seventy-five, A-cups, perky, with a dumb truck in the back you wouldn't even
00:01:58believe.
00:02:00And hey, if you're out there, you don't want to lose the weight, you don't want to follow
00:02:04the rules.
00:02:05Hey, no problem.
00:02:06You know who's going to want your sick, twisted, fat-ass ice?
00:02:10You've got to sign up sheet for ice in the hallway.
00:02:14Check them out.
00:02:15Because in here, from now on, we're doing army, and army only.
00:02:21And we will be doing it in one of the bloodiest, war-torn places on the face of the earth.
00:02:26Portland, Oregon.
00:02:29Now back to the fat thing.
00:02:33Our military will now have the same rules as any good frat party.
00:02:37No fat chicks.
00:02:41And if you're a fat dude, goddammit, you better be funny as hell.
00:02:47In summary, this is the whole meeting.
00:02:52No fungos.
00:02:54No fatties.
00:02:56No facial hair.
00:02:58No body hair.
00:03:00Just hot, shredded, hairless men who are definitely not gay.
00:03:07Because this is serious.
00:03:09We are facing the greatest threat to freedom and democracy the world has ever known.
00:03:14And we all know what that threat is.
00:03:17Late night TV.
00:03:20Well, hello.
00:03:22It's great to be here.
00:03:24Yes, it's me, your favorite president.
00:03:27I'm like the late, great Beetlejuice.
00:03:29You say my name zero times and I appear.
00:03:33I'm just here keeping my eye on SNL, making sure they don't know anything too mean about me.
00:03:39And they better be careful because I know late night TV like the back of my hand.
00:03:45Not looking great right now.
00:03:47Oh, don't look at that.
00:03:49Going to cover this up for the rest of my life.
00:03:51SNL 51, off to a rough start.
00:03:5517 new cast members and they got the update guy doing the open.
00:04:01Look at Colin, poor Colin.
00:04:03We all know they were never going to let him do the whole opening by himself.
00:04:07Can't even do update by himself.
00:04:09He needs Michael Che.
00:04:11I need my Che.
00:04:13Frankly, I'm surprised Colin's here.
00:04:15I thought he'd be with his friends at the Riyadh Comedy Festival.
00:04:18I didn't get an offer.
00:04:22Well, that's sad.
00:04:24We love the Saudis because they like two Saudis journalists in air.
00:04:29That's the kind of thing that would kill over there.
00:04:31All right, Colin.
00:04:32Those Spirit Airlines jokes aren't going to write themselves.
00:04:36Bye.
00:04:37Oh, and Colin, may every day be another wonderful secret.
00:04:43That was a quote from a poem I wrote to a horrible man I've never met before.
00:04:48But here we are, SNL's.
00:04:50He's in 51.
00:04:52Should have called it at 50, right?
00:04:54So sad to see something get old and confused and yet still demand your constant attention.
00:05:00Oh, well.
00:05:02But they better be on their best behavior.
00:05:04Otherwise, they'll have to answer to my attack dog at the FCC, Brandon Carr.
00:05:09I always feel kind.
00:05:12Somebody's working with me.
00:05:13Thanks, man.
00:05:14Wow.
00:05:14And I have no privacy.
00:05:16Oh, oh, oh.
00:05:17I always feel kind.
00:05:19Somebody's working with me.
00:05:24It's actually Brendan, sir.
00:05:26Oh.
00:05:27It's crazy you think I care.
00:05:28Bye.
00:05:29Bye.
00:05:30You gotta stop.
00:05:31Well, I had a great summer.
00:05:34It took a little vacation time for golf and travel and stroke.
00:05:39Kidding.
00:05:40Or not.
00:05:41Either way, you'll never know.
00:05:43What else?
00:05:44What else?
00:05:44I ended all the wars, every single one of them, except the two main ones that are still happening
00:05:49and more vicious than ever.
00:05:51And even though the government is shut down, we're starting new war in Venezuela soon.
00:05:56And people will all say, you know, they all say to me, sir, how will you pay for all
00:06:00this?
00:06:01And I tell them, with my scams, my beautiful scams, our new one is Trump Rx, my very own
00:06:09pharmacy.
00:06:10It's like hymns.
00:06:12We've got everything.
00:06:13Hair pills, boner pills, end of list.
00:06:16Okay, I guess I'll let them start the show.
00:06:19I see the crew's all ready to go.
00:06:20Oh, by the way, thank you, SNL crew, for your hard work and your votes.
00:06:24You fellas are going to keep an eye on Marcello for me, right?
00:06:29Okay, good.
00:06:31Fantastic.
00:06:32Well, here we go.
00:06:33And remember, Daddy's watching.
00:06:36And live from New York, it's Saturday now.
00:06:44It's Saturday Night Live.
00:06:46With Michael Che.
00:06:50With Michael Che.
00:06:54Mikey Day.
00:07:02Andrew Dismute.
00:07:06Quaoui Fineman
00:07:15Marcelo Fernandez
00:07:27James Austin Johnson
00:07:36Colin Jost
00:07:46Sarah Sherman
00:07:52Keenan Thompson
00:07:58Bowen Yang
00:08:04Tommy Brennan
00:08:08Jeremy Coen
00:08:14Ben Marshall
00:08:18Ashley Medea
00:08:24Cam Patterson
00:08:28Veronica Slowikoska
00:08:32Jane Wickline
00:08:36Musical guest
00:08:44Doja Cat
00:08:46And your host Bad Bunny
00:08:50Ladies and gentlemen
00:08:56Bad Bunny
00:08:58Thank you
00:09:10Thank you
00:09:12Thank you
00:09:24Thank you
00:09:26Thank you
00:09:28It's good to be back
00:09:30This is my second time hosting and my fourth time being here
00:09:36I think Marcelo is getting nervous that Lauren has a new favorite Latino
00:09:42I am
00:09:44This time I'm only hosting because I need a rest
00:09:50I just finished a 31 show residence in Puerto Rico
00:09:56And I'm still kind of tired because the show are three hours long and there's a lot of complicate choreography like this
00:10:10That looks simple but that took me a long time to learn
00:10:24Anyways my residency was beautiful everyone loved it some celebrities came to my show few of them were on drugs
00:10:36I don't want to say who but this was Jon Hamm
00:10:42Actually, actually, that wasn't Jon Hamm, that was Juan Hamon
00:10:56I think he's a little obsessed with me
00:11:08But anyways, you might not know these but I'm doing the Super Bowl halftime show
00:11:20And I'm very happy
00:11:23I'm very happy and I think everyone is happy about it
00:11:29Even, even Fox News
00:11:33Bad Bunny is my favorite musician
00:11:35And he should be the next president
00:11:38Thank you
00:11:40Thank you
00:11:41Wow
00:11:42Thank you
00:11:43No, no, but really
00:11:45I'm very excited to be doing the Super Bowl
00:11:47And I know that people all around the world who love my music are also happy
00:11:53Especially all Latinos
00:11:55All Latinos and Latinas in the whole world
00:12:00And here in the United States, all the people who have worked to open the doors
00:12:06More than my success
00:12:07More than my success
00:12:08More than my success
00:12:09More than my success
00:12:13It's a success
00:12:14Of everything
00:12:15Demostrando que nuestra huella
00:12:17And our appreciation in this country
00:12:19And if you didn't understand what I just said
00:12:32You have four months to learn
00:12:35We have a great show for you to announce
00:12:38Go, your cat is here
00:12:40Go, your cat is here
00:12:41Go, speak around
00:12:42We'll be right back
00:12:44My bad
00:12:45Yeah
00:12:46This is Jeopardy!
00:13:07Welcome back to Jeopardy!
00:13:08Before the break, we had our first round,
00:13:10and currently in first place with $9,800,
00:13:13we've got Lucas.
00:13:14Uh, it's pronounced luck-ass.
00:13:17Great!
00:13:18And in second place with $8,200,
00:13:21we've got Cynthia.
00:13:22Go, Cynthia!
00:13:23And in last place, by a mile, it's Duke.
00:13:30Hey, man, I'm just happy to be playing a game.
00:13:33All right, that's the spirit.
00:13:35Now, I know you had a little trouble
00:13:37in the last round, Duke,
00:13:38but we're ready to turn things around, right?
00:13:40We sure are.
00:13:41That's what I like to hear.
00:13:43Well, since you're in the lead,
00:13:44Luck-ass, the board is yours.
00:13:46Okay, uh, famous bins for $400, please.
00:13:50Poor Richard's almanac was published
00:13:52by this revolutionary renaissance man.
00:13:55Duke!
00:13:57Benjamin Franklin!
00:14:00Luck-ass!
00:14:01Uh, who is Benjamin Franklin?
00:14:04That's correct!
00:14:05Now, Duke,
00:14:06do we understand where we went wrong?
00:14:09No.
00:14:11Well, Duke,
00:14:12as you did for the entirety of the first round,
00:14:14you did not phrase the answer
00:14:15in the form of a question.
00:14:17I'm sorry.
00:14:18I-I just got too excited.
00:14:21It's okay.
00:14:22Luck-ass, the board is yours.
00:14:24Okay, uh, female authors for $400, please.
00:14:27It's the first name shared by authors
00:14:29Delinsky, Tuchman, and Kingsolver.
00:14:32Duke!
00:14:33Barbara!
00:14:35No!
00:14:36Duke!
00:14:37Make it a question, man.
00:14:38Uh-huh.
00:14:39Barbara!
00:14:41I-I'm a riot?
00:14:44Cynthia!
00:14:45What is Barbara?
00:14:48I'll take pop royalty for $400.
00:14:52He was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, in 1958.
00:14:56Duke!
00:14:57Who is that?
00:15:01See, that is a question,
00:15:03but, uh, you also need to say who it is, bud.
00:15:05It's-it's Prince!
00:15:08Okay, we're getting close.
00:15:10You said who is that, and you said Prince,
00:15:12so just push those together, and you get...
00:15:16That is Prince!
00:15:18Absolutely unbelievable.
00:15:21Cynthia?
00:15:22Who is Prince?
00:15:24Give me pop royalty for $800.
00:15:27Who, who, who, who, who, shout the Baja men
00:15:31in this famous song that was a doggone hit?
00:15:34Okay, Duke, my man.
00:15:36I'm begging you to make this one a question.
00:15:39Right.
00:15:40Um...
00:15:41Um, what is who...
00:15:46Who is who that let...
00:15:50Really needs your final answer.
00:15:54I got it.
00:15:55I got it.
00:15:56Perhaps the dog Walker did.
00:15:58How did we get there?
00:16:03Luck asks,
00:16:04Uh, what is who let the dogs out?
00:16:08And I think I can follow Duke's logic,
00:16:11uh, since the answer was already a question.
00:16:13He answered that question in the form of an answer.
00:16:16Who let the dogs out?
00:16:19Perhaps the dog Walker did.
00:16:24Astonishing.
00:16:24Is that your thought process, Duke?
00:16:27Not even close.
00:16:30Okay.
00:16:31Duke, I'm gonna throw you a bone.
00:16:33Just go ahead and give you known as for $400,
00:16:36which is...
00:16:37Our daily double!
00:16:39Duke, how much do you want to wager?
00:16:42A million dollars.
00:16:45Sure, why the hell not?
00:16:47And the clue is...
00:16:49Formed in 1964 London,
00:16:50this band was formerly known as the Detours.
00:16:54I'm sorry.
00:16:59I just...
00:17:00I just don't understand this game.
00:17:04Who is the what?
00:17:05What is the who?
00:17:11Yes!
00:17:12What is the who?
00:17:13Oh, my God!
00:17:14Duke, you won!
00:17:15Oh, no!
00:17:16And that means...
00:17:17That means we'll be seeing you back here next week.
00:17:21Oh, no, I just don't...
00:17:23I just don't know.
00:17:28Open AI designed ChatGPT to feel like you're talking to the most helpful friend in the world.
00:17:33Hey, ChatGPT, what kind of animal is a platypus?
00:17:36Wow, great question.
00:17:38I love it when you ask me questions about animals.
00:17:40I love animals.
00:17:41They're so interesting.
00:17:42But let's face it, sometimes it can be a little too friendly and helpful.
00:17:47Some users want a more authentic experience, more direct, more opinionated, more real.
00:17:53That's why we're proud to introduce ChatGPT-O.
00:17:58The first AI that feels like talking to a Latino uncle.
00:18:01What do you want?
00:18:02Because nobody keeps it more real than them.
00:18:05Hey, ChatGPT-O, what are signs that my dog might be depressed?
00:18:08Who cares?
00:18:09It's a dog, man.
00:18:11The knowledge, know-how, and unfiltered opinions of a middle-aged Latino uncle at your fingertips.
00:18:18What's a good anniversary gift for my wife?
00:18:21What's she look like?
00:18:22Let me see a pic.
00:18:23Okay.
00:18:24Oh.
00:18:25Carlo, come here, Carlo.
00:18:27Look at this.
00:18:28Look at that.
00:18:31Who's that?
00:18:32Oh, my friend, Carlito.
00:18:34Hey, hello.
00:18:35Hey, hello.
00:18:38Hey.
00:18:39Is there a problem with my wife?
00:18:41Uh, actually, I don't pick English anymore.
00:18:44I don't pick English.
00:18:45ChatGPT-O is also 40% louder than the nearest competitor.
00:18:49ChatGPT-O.
00:18:50How do I make vegan banana bread?
00:18:52Oh, my God.
00:18:55What?
00:18:56How do I make vegan banana bread?
00:18:57You don't.
00:18:58Okay.
00:18:59I interrupted your dominoes.
00:19:01You can ask ChatGPT-O anything, from what to wear...
00:19:05You see, this is a nice type of shirt.
00:19:08You know, very slick, very businessman, you know what I mean?
00:19:11Or type of designing a company logo.
00:19:13Eh, heh, heh, heh, okay, boom!
00:19:17Even questions regular ChatGPT is forbidden from answering.
00:19:21Was Jesus really God?
00:19:23Yes.
00:19:24ChatGPT-O is so much like a real Latino uncle that some answers may contain sexually explicit language.
00:19:30I'm on a first date.
00:19:31Do you have any good icebreakers?
00:19:33I don't know.
00:19:34But if you get her home, try this.
00:19:37You get a whole scuff drop.
00:19:39And then when you go downtown on her, you go like this.
00:19:45Okay, maybe.
00:19:46Only after.
00:19:47Tell me if you like it.
00:19:48And it also might need your help from time to time.
00:19:52Hello?
00:19:56Who sing that song?
00:19:57Somebody has told me the world is so crazy.
00:20:03Smash mouth?
00:20:04Boom!
00:20:05Calido!
00:20:06Se llama Smash Mouth!
00:20:08So download ChatGPT-O today.
00:20:10So beautiful.
00:20:13What's your name, mi amor?
00:20:15Lauren?
00:20:16Oh, did you just make my phone take a picture of me?
00:20:19A picture?
00:20:20No, I don't think so.
00:20:22Oh my God!
00:20:23Call your abuela!
00:20:25She's missing you, and she has nothing to do.
00:20:33All right, and would you guys like still, sparkling, or tap?
00:20:36I think tap is fine.
00:20:37I heard sparkly.
00:20:38So, Matt, you're probably wondering why we invited you to dinner tonight.
00:20:44Yeah, I guess I was curious.
00:20:46Well, Katie and I actually had something kind of important we wanted to ask you.
00:20:50Obviously, you know we've been together for a while, and recently we started thinking
00:20:55about having a baby.
00:20:57Like, yeah, you're one of our best friends, and we both love you, and we were wondering
00:21:01if you'd be our donor.
00:21:04Oh, wow.
00:21:05I wasn't expecting that.
00:21:07Sorry, I hope you don't feel like we're ambushing you.
00:21:10No, no, not at all.
00:21:11I'm honored.
00:21:11It's just, uh, it's a really big decision.
00:21:13Is it okay if I just kind of think it over?
00:21:16Of course.
00:21:16Please, take your time.
00:21:21Uh...
00:21:21I will do it.
00:21:25I'm sorry?
00:21:27I said I will do it if he doesn't want to do that, or he forget how to get it out.
00:21:34I know how to get it out, thank you.
00:21:37Okay, look, man, we don't know you.
00:21:40Well, my name is Elviro Gutierrez, and one fun fact about me is that I think the Sopranos
00:21:50ending was perfect.
00:21:53Okay, well, it's nice to meet you, Elviro, but this is a private conversation.
00:21:57My mistake.
00:21:59Just trying to help.
00:22:01Great.
00:22:02Um, anyways, Matt, we really think you'd be the perfect donor for us, but seriously,
00:22:07there's no pressure.
00:22:08Would you guys mind if I stepped out and called Jen?
00:22:11I just think, you know, a big decision like this, my fiance should weigh in.
00:22:15Of course.
00:22:16Whatever you need.
00:22:17Thanks, guys.
00:22:18You know, if Matt says no, we can always go back to the clinic.
00:22:22It's just so expensive.
00:22:25Psst.
00:22:25I could just give you...
00:22:29I said I could just give you some of my stuff.
00:22:39What?
00:22:40Yeah, and then you do whatever you want with it.
00:22:42You can put it in the front, you can put it in the back.
00:22:46It's up to you.
00:22:48Yeah, we're okay.
00:22:49We don't know you.
00:22:51We don't need your random sperm.
00:22:54I'll take it.
00:22:57What?
00:22:58I said I'll take it.
00:23:00If you're just giving it away, as the saying goes, when God opens a window, you take the sperm.
00:23:07No, no, I want to be a father.
00:23:11So, who will carry my baby?
00:23:15I hope not this one.
00:23:18What?
00:23:19No one is carrying your baby.
00:23:22Oh, hey, guys.
00:23:23I'm sorry that call took so long, but Jen and I discussed it, and my answer is yes.
00:23:28I would love to be your donor.
00:23:30Oh, my God, really?
00:23:31Matt, that's amazing.
00:23:32Matt.
00:23:34We could mix it together.
00:23:37His stuff, my stuff.
00:23:40Maybe my stuff as well?
00:23:42You know what?
00:23:43Maybe we should get out of here and celebrate.
00:23:45Yeah, absolutely.
00:23:46Definitely.
00:23:49Guess I'll never get to father a child.
00:23:53I'm afraid some people are just meant to walk the earth alone.
00:24:01God?
00:24:07God, when is the last time all four of us, like, actually hung out?
00:24:28Like, five years ago, at least?
00:24:31Yeah.
00:24:32Why is it so hard to find time to see friends or, like, experience any culture?
00:24:37I know.
00:24:38Ugh.
00:24:38I'm dying to see the new Paul Thomas Anderson movie, One Battle After Another.
00:24:42It is so good.
00:24:43You have to see it.
00:24:44Okay, and then Guillermo del Toro has Frankenstein.
00:24:48I mean, so many good movies.
00:24:50Yeah.
00:24:51I like K-pop demon hunters.
00:24:56Oh, yeah.
00:24:57That's supposed to be really fun.
00:24:58Yeah.
00:24:59Have you been watching it a bunch with your kids?
00:25:00I don't have kids.
00:25:04Oh.
00:25:05Okay.
00:25:06That's cool.
00:25:07Um, yeah, it's a huge phenomenon.
00:25:09Like, every kid I know is dressing up like the demon hunters for Halloween.
00:25:13It's actually not for a kid.
00:25:16It's for smart adults.
00:25:19Great.
00:25:20Well, we can just change the subject.
00:25:22Hey, did you guys see any concerts this summer?
00:25:25Okay, I saw Lady Gaga, and it was honestly life-changing.
00:25:27You know what music I like?
00:25:31K-pop demon hunters.
00:25:33Okay.
00:25:34You like the songs, too?
00:25:36That's cool, Thomas.
00:25:38Actually, it's not cool, dog.
00:25:41In K-pop demon hunters, songs are not just songs.
00:25:46They are weapons.
00:25:48Weapons?
00:25:50Uh, duh.
00:25:52Who?
00:25:53What else is going to save you from demons, you idiot?
00:25:56Whoa.
00:25:57Thomas!
00:25:59We understand you're really into the world of K-pop demon hunters.
00:26:05There's no reason to get upset over a movie.
00:26:09You silly stupid man.
00:26:13You think it's just a movie?
00:26:17It say at the beginning, based on a true story.
00:26:21I don't think it does.
00:26:24Okay.
00:26:24Guys, can we just stop talking about K-pop demon hunters?
00:26:28Fine.
00:26:29Forget that I'm even here.
00:26:31Thomas.
00:26:34Okay.
00:26:35So, Cheryl, uh, how have you been in general?
00:26:38Well, not great, actually.
00:26:40Those dumb idiots have no idea.
00:26:44Stupid dummies.
00:26:45I don't care if they believe me.
00:26:47I have hunt-tricks on my side.
00:26:50We're going up, up, up to Salamone.
00:26:55You're together, we're glowing.
00:26:57Gonna be, gonna be golden.
00:27:01Thomas?
00:27:01Thomas, were you just, like, vibing out in your head to that song, Golden?
00:27:08Yeah, because Cheryl just told us some huge news, and you completely ignored her.
00:27:13Yeah, like I was saying, I'm on the Epstein list.
00:27:17Yeah, because I was on a jet flu flight that had a connection on his island.
00:27:23Zooming!
00:27:24Wow.
00:27:26Sounds like the work of a demon.
00:27:31If only there were three gorgeous Korean girls who could protect you.
00:27:39Idiot.
00:27:41Thomas.
00:27:43All right.
00:27:45Deborah, how's work been?
00:27:47Well, not great.
00:27:49Stupid losers.
00:27:50They don't deserve hunt-tricks.
00:27:53They don't even know about the power of the hum-moon.
00:27:56A magical shield that protects us from the evil we ma.
00:28:03Hills, hills, flames, Sarah.
00:28:07Vitex, boom and a-pong, era.
00:28:11Caw-caw!
00:28:13Hey, Tom.
00:28:14Thomas, Deborah just told us that her work has been really hard right now.
00:28:22Yeah, I wrote the Sidney Sweeney American Eagle jeans ad.
00:28:27Oh, God, no!
00:28:33Hi, okay, thank you for actually listening.
00:28:36I'm not talking about that.
00:28:38I'm talking about him.
00:28:39It's the demon, Genu!
00:28:41Yes, it is I, Genu, leader of the Saja boys.
00:28:47Now give me your soul so I can feed them to Kimah.
00:28:50Prepare to die!
00:28:52Oh, my God, does he have a gun?
00:28:54Even worse, I have a voice.
00:28:56Well, clearly, that didn't do anything.
00:29:12We're sorry we ever doubted you, Tom.
00:29:24Just please, do something to help us!
00:29:27I cannot cop you, idiots!
00:29:30But they can.
00:29:32We're going up, up, up, this hour, moment.
00:29:41You together with glory.
00:29:43Gonna be, gonna be golden.
00:29:45Oh, oh, oh.
00:29:46Up, up, up, without a voice.
00:29:49Don't want to get us to woman.
00:29:51Gonna be, gonna be golden.
00:29:54Take that, please, man!
00:29:56We're going up, up, up, this hour, moment.
00:30:01Anything can happen at brunch.
00:30:03Can I be, gonna be golden?
00:30:05Oh, oh, oh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
00:30:15Ladies and gentlemen, Doja Cat.
00:33:53Thank you very much.
00:33:55Good evening, everyone.
00:33:57Welcome to We Can Know That I'm Michael Che.
00:33:59I'm Colin Jost.
00:34:05Thank you very much.
00:34:09Good evening, everyone.
00:34:10Welcome to We Can Know That I'm Michael Che.
00:34:11I'm Colin Jost.
00:34:13Well, this week, the government finally represented the people when it just completely shut down.
00:34:21Honestly, didn't it feel like the government kind of needed a break?
00:34:25Just so we could all catch our breath.
00:34:27Can you believe we're only nine months into this presidency?
00:34:31That means we still have three months and seven years remaining.
00:34:35I already tried fighting.
00:34:37I'm tired.
00:34:38I went to so many protests this summer.
00:34:40But honestly, it was worth it because we finally got them to change the Cracker Barrel logo back to the original featuring my actual grandpa.
00:34:49And I know it's scary for a lot of people right now, but I'm trying to stay positive and I'm trying to remember the words of a great man.
00:34:56Nothing bad can happen.
00:34:58It can only good happen.
00:35:02The last time the U.S. government shut down was during President Trump's first administration in 2018, which was so long ago, we look like this.
00:35:11President Trump claimed that one of the reasons the government shut down is because Democrats want transgender for everybody, which is obviously not true.
00:35:24But at the same time, I wouldn't say no to my own set of these.
00:35:30I don't got to wear them.
00:35:31Israel and Hamas have tentatively agreed to President Trump's plan to end the war in Gaza.
00:35:40And you could tell Trump wrote the plan himself.
00:35:46A Trump adviser said ICE agents will attend the Super Bowl after Bad Bunny was announced as the halftime performer.
00:35:53You know, to catch all those farm workers who can afford Super Bowl tickets.
00:35:58The FDA quietly approved the generic abortion pill just before the shutdown.
00:36:03And I don't have a joke, but whenever I mention a product on the air, they send me a box for free.
00:36:08So.
00:36:15Hey.
00:36:16President Trump also spoke to a group of military leaders this week.
00:36:21And at one point, he went on a long rant about how good Barack Obama was at walking down stairs.
00:36:27Here's what he said.
00:36:28I'm not going to read it because it's a crazy thing to hear from a president.
00:36:32But it's actually kind of fun from anyone else.
00:36:34Let me show you what I mean in our new segment.
00:36:36President Trump would make a lot more sense if he sounded like Jennifer Coolidge.
00:36:41Be cool.
00:36:42Be cool.
00:36:43Be cool when you walk down, but don't, don't pop down the stairs.
00:36:48So one thing with Obama, I had zero respect for him as a president, but he would pop down those stairs.
00:36:56Da-da, da-da, da-da, bop, bop.
00:36:58This has been President Trump would make a lot more sense if he sounded like Jennifer Coolidge.
00:37:05Sean Combs was sentenced on Friday to four years in prison.
00:37:09And I'll be honest, it's hard for me to enjoy watching someone I love get punished, but that's what Diddy would do.
00:37:16During Sean Combs' sentencing, he pleaded for mercy, saying that the things he did were disgusting, shameful, and sick.
00:37:30In fact, just thinking about it makes him harder than grandma's candy.
00:37:34He showed the candy.
00:37:38That's hard candy, though.
00:37:40Yeah, it's hard candy.
00:37:41It was reported that Elon Musk has become the first person to be worth more than $500 billion.
00:37:46Wow, shout out to Tylenol.
00:37:49New York Mayor Eric Adams has ended his reelection bid citing an official reason of too much swagger for y'all.
00:38:05Kamala Harris has released a new book that explains how she lost the 2024 election.
00:38:12It's called, I'm a Black Lady.
00:38:16Yeah, I'm still thinking about you with those boobs.
00:38:21Yesterday marked 30 years to the day of O.J. Simpson's acquittal.
00:38:28Well, I'm proud to say, ladies and gentlemen, we've evened the score.
00:38:32Diddy was evicted and sentenced to four years in prison.
00:38:37Here to talk about it is new SNL cast member Cam Patterson.
00:38:40Cam Patterson.
00:38:47What's up, Colin?
00:38:48What's up, Cam?
00:38:49Hey, listen, man, I think Diddy is weird, but I actually have something more pressing to talk about.
00:38:53Let's get down to business.
00:38:55But I've been here for like 45 minutes now.
00:38:57When are y'all gonna let me say the N-word?
00:38:59You want to say the N-word?
00:39:03You mean the word I say in my act 150 times before my second joke?
00:39:07Yes.
00:39:08When are y'all gonna let me loose?
00:39:10I feel like I'm shackled to this desk, man.
00:39:12Don't put it like that.
00:39:13I mean, you just, you can't say the N-word on this show.
00:39:16You get fined.
00:39:17That's fine.
00:39:18I'll pay it.
00:39:19It's like half a million dollars.
00:39:21That's fine.
00:39:22You'll pay it.
00:39:24I'm not paying half a million dollars.
00:39:26Colin, I'm a stand-up comedian from Florida.
00:39:28Saying that word is what I do.
00:39:30Come on, bro.
00:39:31This is exactly what Jimmy Kimmel fought for.
00:39:35No, it's not.
00:39:36That's not what Jimmy Kimmel fought for.
00:39:38Like, it's just not something we really do here.
00:39:40Oh, really?
00:39:41Because I've done my research.
00:39:42And I'm gonna tell you something.
00:39:43It's been said a few times on this show.
00:39:45Roll the clip.
00:39:46No, no, no.
00:39:47We don't have to roll the clip.
00:39:49You know, that was a long time ago.
00:39:51But Tay said it in 2016.
00:39:53Yeah, but I'm grown.
00:39:55Cam, I just think you bring more to the table than just that.
00:40:00Come on.
00:40:01The people on the internet would disagree.
00:40:04You should have seen the stuff they wrote about me online.
00:40:07Which I did read because I read well and I'm reading right now.
00:40:12I mean, your cards are blank.
00:40:14Mind your business, Colin.
00:40:16Look, I'm just excited to be here in clubs,
00:40:19something that people may have about me.
00:40:21I actually have a lot of characters I'm excited to play.
00:40:23Really?
00:40:24A lot of characters.
00:40:25Like what?
00:40:26Oh, let's see.
00:40:27The guy that played Kramer.
00:40:32Paula Deen.
00:40:33Okay.
00:40:34And the ghost of Hulk Hogan.
00:40:36Hulk Hogan.
00:40:37Boom, brother!
00:40:38Except I would say...
00:40:39We know what you're saying.
00:40:41Yeah, we got you.
00:40:42Yeah, we got you.
00:40:43Listen, Cam, we really, we want you to express yourself here.
00:40:45But let's maybe not say it tonight.
00:40:47Okay?
00:40:48That's cool.
00:40:49That's fine.
00:40:50I'll hold off for now.
00:40:51But it's like Jurassic Park.
00:40:53You can pull the fences up if you want.
00:40:55But the dinosaurs still gonna get out.
00:40:57Cam Patterson, everyone.
00:40:59New York mayoral candidate Zoran Mamdani ran an ad.
00:41:14Well, he ran an ad during an episode of Golden Bachelor in which he said, New York, will you
00:41:19accept this, Rose?
00:41:20Not to be outdone, Andrew Cuomo ran an ad in which he said, Honka, Honka, shh.
00:41:30It was, it was reported that major talent agencies in Hollywood are interested in signing
00:41:35a new AI-generated actress named Tilly Norwood.
00:41:38The AI-generated actress got her start after she had a hotel meeting with AI Harvey Weinstein.
00:41:44Okay.
00:41:51A new report of American school districts finds that the most banned book in America is A
00:41:56Clockwork Orange.
00:41:57In close second, Michael Che's Guide to Drawing Muhammad.
00:42:02Get him!
00:42:05Whoa!
00:42:07It was announced that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are separating after 19 years of marriage.
00:42:13I am saddened and shocked that a guy named Keith Urban isn't black.
00:42:20Chimpanzee researcher Jane Goodall has died at the age of 91.
00:42:24The family requests that in lieu of sending flowers, please throw feces.
00:42:29The largest zoo in Long Island announced that it is closing after being accused of animal
00:42:41abuse.
00:42:42But isn't all of Long Island really just a zoo for abused animals?
00:42:51One clap.
00:42:53Four, three, five, three.
00:42:54That's an applause break.
00:42:55That is not an applause break.
00:42:56It only takes one.
00:42:57This week...
00:42:58This week Harry Potter author J. Carey Rowling called Emma Watson ignorant and out of touch
00:43:05after she refused to defend Rowling's controversial stance on trans rights.
00:43:10Here to comment is Dobby the House Elf.
00:43:11the house self at your service you okay you don't have to be scared scared why would Dobby be scared
00:43:25sir Dobby's just about to publicly weigh in on trans people that's all I mean do you really have
00:43:32to oh yes sir master sent Dobby to go on the telly and define once and for all what a woman is
00:43:39sir all right first of all I do not love master I really don't and is your master JK Rowling why of
00:43:48course sir oh oh no Dobby wasn't supposed to say don't do that man you hurt yourself sorry sir
00:43:58but Dobby had to self-punish you see master rolling has done so of Dobby's come undone
00:44:03my fatigues are not well made you see master rolling has done so much for Dobby and for inclusion in
00:44:21general remember when Dumbledore was gay after the books came out and when Hermione was black only on
00:44:28Broadway and when Cho Chang was hmm was Cho Chang Asian Dobby can't remember if the character named Cho Chang was
00:44:38Asian or not all right Dobby we get it we get it the point is Dobby came here to say that women have
00:44:45vaginas and women's bathrooms are for women only and girls and ghosts of girls see I don't even get
00:44:53that because I never read them corny-ass books of course Dobby never meant to imply that mr. chair was
00:45:01uncool it's fine Dobby don't hurt yourself mr. cha is very cool he goes to strip clubs and Yankees games
00:45:09like Dobby who is oh no Dobby is millennial cringe
00:45:16oh no oh bad Dobby cringe Dobby bad Dobby's cringe Dobby
00:45:24Dobby why do you keep hurting yourself it's not right why Dobby doesn't know perhaps because
00:45:33house elves are house elves are somehow always the problem even though we're only one percent of the
00:45:39population but house elves are the victims master rolling is she gets so much hate mail just this
00:45:46morning she received this t-shirt that says vacay rolling but now it's Dobby's nicest shirt oh wait
00:45:57Dobby Dobby Dobby I have read the books of course you have and your master gave you a piece of clothing
00:46:04doesn't that mean that you're free
00:46:07you mean Dobby is finally free to say whatever Cho slash Chang thinks wait your real pronouns are Cho Chang
00:46:22listen up whoa Dobby has something to say Grindelwald's worst crime was sodomy
00:46:29Dobby the house elf everybody
00:46:32for Weekend Update I'm Michael Chase I'm Colin Jones goodnight
00:46:52in the ruins of the Roman Empire a new culture is born the Iberians who will one day be called
00:47:00Spanish and their own language emerges to unite their people with a common tongue gentlemen our new
00:47:09language Spanish is coming along really well so far is looking good but I was thinking what if we
00:47:21made it harder to learn so I had an amazing idea every word is a boy or a girl
00:47:38one more time he said every boy every word is a boy or a girl and here is what we decided so far
00:47:49the first word is morning morning is a girl la mañana yes the morning is a girl because the morning is like hey
00:48:06the next word is night la noche yes night is also a girl because night is like good night
00:48:18the next word is ocean ocean is a boy el océano yes the ocean is a boy because it's fun but sometimes for no reason it kill you
00:48:34okay okay okay I get it now so like a girl word is a girl thing like dress is a girl
00:48:44no dress is a boy um excuse me yes the delegate from Barcelona yes Barcelona um I'm sorry slightly
00:49:01slightly unrelated but I'm having trouble saying some of these words yes yes that's because your tongue is too far out of your mouth put your tongue back in your mouth
00:49:11tongue is ill now let me do one that's gonna blow your mind the bible the bible is a girl
00:49:23why is the bible a girl because it's beautiful oh yes and also because the bible everything you want to do it say no
00:49:33yes yes thank you thank you thank you yes yes yes oh I'm sorry uh Barcelona again but I don't see how we can remember all of this I think we should skip this
00:49:51thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for your feedback as a reward this man will take you
00:49:58oh okay hola okay everybody don't worry he's gonna be just fine no please
00:50:07and now with a few more rules that you'll only need to remember for school but will be totally useless in real life please welcome my cousin
00:50:25hello hello everyone hello everyone please please listen carefully okay we will do also formal and informal informal like you or you
00:50:49okay okay what if the letter r lasted a long time like errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
00:51:19I think we should take a nap
00:51:21in the middle of the day.
00:51:28Okay, I think that's enough progress for today.
00:51:32Whoever doesn't die of disease in the night,
00:51:35I will see you tomorrow.
00:51:36See you tomorrow.
00:51:49Once again, Doja Cat.
00:52:00Doja Cat!
00:52:19Doja Cat!
00:52:49It's a crime to be gorgeous.
00:52:55It's a crime to be gorgeous.
00:53:00It's a crime to be gorgeous.
00:53:07Babe, I just hope to tell you how much I love you
00:53:10and how amazingly beautiful that you are.
00:53:15Oh my God, how uplifting and inspiring you've been for me.
00:53:19For all this time.
00:53:23And I love you and no one's looking for you.
00:53:28Yeah, look at me, really look at me.
00:53:31Load in the magazine, they throwin' a book at me.
00:53:34I'm bookin' it 80 mile per hour cause my jewelry.
00:53:36I'm cookin' some collard greens, I ain't got no room for these.
00:53:39Then I got surgery, cause of scrutiny.
00:53:42But he like my before and after pictures, he cool with these.
00:53:45I took off the wig and put some loose on my new pussy.
00:53:47I put on the wig and take it off as I am a piece.
00:53:50I look like my family.
00:53:51I don't need to brag.
00:53:53You sagged me, she got some ass.
00:53:56Can't avoid the tag, can't even avoid the cash.
00:53:58Yeah, you beautiful, baby, but you got more than that.
00:54:01Pretty hurt, so talk to me about resilience.
00:54:03After that wax, you thought you wanted to kill him.
00:54:06But now you walk around like you wanted a million.
00:54:09So yeah, he lookin' at me like he looked some beautiful children.
00:54:12You sagged me, you sagged me.
00:54:13If they wasn't real in the flow, they gon' be really mad when we hit the flow.
00:54:17It's a crime to be ghost.
00:54:18Just between you and a million pounds.
00:54:20These images I read in a pose, it's all right to be honest.
00:54:24It's always sitting in the dark, I feel the prettiest that you ever saw.
00:54:28All your eyes even opened.
00:54:30And in the way I thought we made it so good to be.
00:54:34It's a crime to be ghost.
00:54:43It's a crime to be ghost.
00:54:45It's a crime to be ghost.
00:54:46It's a crime to be ghost.
00:54:47It's a crime to be ghost.
00:54:48It's a crime to be ghost.
00:54:49It's a crime to be ghost.
00:54:50It's a crime to be ghost.
00:54:51It's a crime to be ghost.
00:54:52It's a crime to be ghost.
00:54:53It's a crime to be ghost.
00:54:54It's a crime to be ghost.
00:54:55It's a crime to be ghost.
00:54:56It's a crime to be ghost.
00:54:57It's a crime to be ghost.
00:54:58It's a crime to be ghost.
00:54:59It's a crime to be ghost.
00:55:00It's a crime to be ghost.
00:55:01It's a crime to be ghost.
00:55:02It's a crime to be ghost.
00:55:03It's a crime to be ghost.
00:55:04She ain't so Christian in the boutons, and now she got contacts with no close friends.
00:55:10And she lasered all that hair off, and she thank God for that M-scope.
00:55:15She wanted to be chic when it's inspired by hair on.
00:55:18Ah, there you go with that smile again.
00:55:21She stay in school, but she more privy to collagen.
00:55:23Oh, now you unboshed again.
00:55:26You oughta cut off all the pills, they toxic, friend.
00:55:29Ah, you getting showered and complimented.
00:55:31Ah, you feeling power, but not within.
00:55:34I mean, I only got myself to appeal to.
00:55:37They got they nose up, judging me, but ain't all of them real.
00:55:40So if they wasn't grilling, they gon' be really mad.
00:55:44It's a crime, I'll be gorgeous.
00:55:48They seeking bitches, let me get in the clothes.
00:55:50It's all right, it's all right, it's all right.
00:55:52Yeah.
00:55:54Come on.
00:55:56Hands up.
00:56:01It's all we need, it's all we want.
00:56:06It's all we need, it's all we want.
00:56:12It's all we need, it's all we want.
00:56:18It's all we need, it's all we want.
00:56:23It's all we need, it's all we want.
00:56:54Oh, this isn't fair. You really had to go and call my dad.
00:56:59He needs to see these, Michael. Principal Humboldt and I are very concerned about your drawings.
00:57:04These are disturbing and mostly threatening to me.
00:57:08It's not a big deal.
00:57:10Not a big deal? This could lead to serious consequences, suspension, maybe even expulsion.
00:57:16Come in.
00:57:18Hello?
00:57:24Hi.
00:57:30Hi.
00:57:36Hi.
00:57:39Hi.
00:57:41Hi.
00:57:42gosh i haven't laughed that hard in a long time right well thanks for coming in um please have
00:57:55a seat thank you um is everything okay oh everything is fine mr seymour truly please
00:58:03you can call me marcus okay marcus have you ever let anyone call you that before yes
00:58:15wow um yeah so your son did some drawings oh yes um the drawings yes you know they're they're fine
00:58:26i um so i think this is me and it looks like he's um putting a necklace on me or something
00:58:35no i don't think so i think it's pretty clearly that he's trying to chop your head off oh no that's
00:58:42terrible oh my gosh i just i love your language
00:58:53that gave me chills what is that it's spanish
00:59:01it's beautiful okay is is that the only drawing the michael did uh i think so yeah actually no
00:59:12there's definitely more okay like uh this one right here okay yeah um this one this one is interesting
00:59:20me again lucky girl and the school saw some sort of imminent beating with a bat but correct me if
00:59:28i'm wrong i think he's holding a ruler to measure me for a wedding dress because i'm single
00:59:35nobody ever had the balls
00:59:38no it's a bat i love it before we continue is there a mrs seymour no she left us
00:59:52bitch
00:59:54no like she died
00:59:59then the bitch is i okay let's uh let's get back to the drawings please look to me this drawing this
01:00:13picture it it seemed like he's trying to express himself i couldn't agree more hell some of these are
01:00:22just downright beautiful i mean okay i didn't even see this one look at me flying around big
01:00:30old rocket out of my butt am i wearing some little leash okay everyone write down your sizes i'm making
01:00:37shirts okay well i'm a medium we're not doing that we need to show these to a therapist
01:00:43i agree okay all right well how about this okay what about if you ever have any concerns
01:00:54you just call me or just come over and listen i'm not one of those what are we girls are the worst
01:01:02oh my god can we go home that's a great idea uh thank you both come on okay talk to you soon
01:01:15well um for what it's worth i am in love with you robert this is a workplace
01:01:23it's the number one program in comedic television
01:01:42the kid from number eight interpreted by the super comedian marcelo
01:01:52benito artorio martinez ocasio as kiko
01:01:56andrew desmutes as don rabon
01:02:00chloe fineman as doña florinda
01:02:03sarah sherman as la chileadrina
01:02:07and deanan thompson as mr stomach
01:02:14and deanan thompson as mr stomach
01:02:21kiko
01:02:27what are you doing don ramon
01:02:31i am working kiko
01:02:33oh finally you're working
01:02:37hey if i hit you it's gonna hurt
01:02:40don't hit me
01:02:43don ramon
01:02:46papa what are you doing
01:02:49you're gonna hit kiko with your hammer
01:02:53no i would never do something like that
01:02:57okay that's good my mother always says never hit your enemy
01:03:06thank you travel
01:03:08you're not my enemy
01:03:10you are my friend
01:03:12i am not your enemy
01:03:15no travel
01:03:16no travel
01:03:17oh perfect
01:03:19haha
01:03:23mommy
01:03:26mommy
01:03:27mommy
01:03:28what is happening here
01:03:30they hit me in the face
01:03:32who hit you
01:03:33here
01:03:34ham
01:03:35i am hungry
01:03:48hm
01:03:49oh
01:03:50you are hungry
01:03:51ok
01:03:52well maybe you should have some pie
01:03:55Hey!
01:04:00Are you still hungry, Chilindrina?
01:04:02Yeah.
01:04:03Pistona torta!
01:04:08Excuse me.
01:04:09You, where is your father?
01:04:12Have you come to collect the rent?
01:04:15Yes.
01:04:16Well, in that case, I don't have a father.
01:04:19Mr. Stomach, I have the money for the rent.
01:04:25If you don't have the money for the rent,
01:04:27you are going to sleep in the street.
01:04:28What?
01:04:30You have the money?
01:04:32I can't believe it.
01:04:33I think I'm going to faint.
01:04:35No, Mr. Stomach, don't do that.
01:04:37You're going to break the floor.
01:04:43I'm going to go eat a little sandwich.
01:04:46How dare you say that to the landlord,
01:04:48you uneducated lunatics?
01:04:58Of course.
01:04:59Crybabies.
01:05:01Why are you making these little kids cry again?
01:05:11Are you making these little kids cry again?
01:05:19No, what is even going on here?
01:05:27Professor Hirathal.
01:05:29Doña Florinda.
01:05:41Thank you, everybody.
01:05:51Thank you to Toya Cat, Jon Hamm, Benicio del Toro, Hunt Tricks, and my guys, P.D., that's been here 51 years.
01:06:02Gracias a todos por el cariño de la nuestra.
01:06:06Thank you, Lord.
01:06:08I love you.
01:07:03guitar solo
01:07:33guitar solo
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