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00:00.
00:18Look, whoever you're honking for, you got the wrong house.
00:20Dear Laura, it's me, Shorzi.
00:23I'm speaking to you through this pimple farmer for two reasons.
00:26One, I'm busy doing what I have to do to get a girl like you.
00:29And two, I want to show this zit face what it takes to get a girl like you.
00:33I'm sure you wish it was somebody better looking reading this,
00:36but if you can believe it, he's the least ugly of the four.
00:39Mason, the guy in the truck, is the most ugly.
00:41Fuck's sake.
00:42And ugliest of the four, four is spelt F-O-R.
00:46You asked me to fuck off for the summer and figure out if I'm sure about you and about us.
00:51It's been a long summer of reflection and consideration, but mostly pulling on it.
00:56More than I want to admit.
00:57Laura, much more of this and I'm going to pull that thing right off.
01:00I've also used this time to finally read the five languages of love.
01:04And I'll tell you this, that book is for broads.
01:06The five languages of love are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch,
01:11acts of service, and receiving gifts.
01:13224 pages for five things any dumb fuck is doing for their sweetie without even thinking about it,
01:19if they're really into them.
01:20That's what I've been doing while you deny my affection.
01:23Putting in the work.
01:24Deny, spelt D-E-N-Y-E.
01:33What are you doing?
01:34Timed it almost perfectly, bud.
01:35Want me to keep reading?
01:36Shut the fuck up, Jack.
01:37Okay, but I...
01:38Well, just shut the fuck up.
01:39What are you doing?
01:40What it takes!
01:41What is wrong with you?
01:42I asked you what I had to do to get you.
01:45And you said...
01:47Run a marathon.
01:48I did?
01:49I fucking knew it.
01:50A whole one?
01:5142 kilometers, smartass.
01:53You want a noogie?
01:54You ran a marathon?
01:55Yeah.
01:56You ran a marathon?
01:57Yeah.
01:58You ran a marathon?
01:59Well, I fucking walked a bit, like up that super steep hill by the water tower.
02:03I'm not fucking Terry Fox.
02:05You're crazy.
02:06Yeah, Dad, Ten's cat called me from convertibles the entire time.
02:09You better get your act together.
02:11I don't even remember saying...
02:13Run a marathon.
02:14Well, I remember everything you say.
02:16Do ya?
02:17Try me.
02:18When's my kid's birthday?
02:19April 9.
02:20When's Big Sexies?
02:21What's my death row meal?
02:22Crinkle cut fries.
02:24What's mine?
02:25Box of Timbits.
02:26What's my pet peeve?
02:27People who go like this out their car window.
02:30What's mine?
02:31Commercials that make you cry.
02:32What superpower would I want?
02:34To breathe underwater, me?
02:35To heal people.
02:39Jack, finish the fucking letter.
02:40Today I ran a marathon.
02:42Even though you probably don't remember telling me to.
02:44I'll run another one tomorrow if you want.
02:46I'll run another one right now.
02:48Tell me what to do and I'll do it.
02:49Cause this is the summer I close on Laura Moore.
02:53All right, Shorzy.
02:59Let's have a sleepover.
03:05That's how you do it.
03:06That's what it takes.
03:11Sometimes you gotta dance for him, Jake.
03:13Jack.
03:14You want the girl?
03:15Is that the girl?
03:17When the sun is shining bright.
03:24Angela PD
03:31When the sun is shining bright
03:46When the sun gets shining bright
03:50When the sun gets shining bright
04:16Blueberry festival dance on Saturday boys
04:34Big Saturday night on deck here now
04:37I think those are blueberries
04:38Wait till they see the boys ripping it up
04:40Marcia Mercier won't know what hit her
04:42Who?
04:43Marissa Mercier
04:44Maria
04:44What?
04:45Maria Mercier
04:46Wait till Miriam Mercier sees the boys on the D floor
04:49Hey can I just say you know I really appreciate
04:52Shut up
04:52What are you doing?
04:54Fuck everything's going so great
04:56Why you gotta be so fucking emotional?
04:57Sorry jeez
04:58If you're gonna be soft you're not gonna get a girl like Mariana Mercier
05:01Maria
05:01Mariana Mercier's gonna be looking at the bulldogs anyway
05:04Well that's true Martina's probably gonna be looking at Dolo
05:07Let's be honest here
05:08Should be ready for that
05:08Maria
05:09I don't think you have to worry about her looking at Michael's though
05:11No thanks Shorty
05:12Also Hitch doesn't really strike me as Miranda Mercier's type
05:15The odds aren't good
05:17The goods are out
05:18And Dolo's not as good a dancer as me but he's much better looking so don't be surprised if he's getting the eyes for Margarita Mercier
05:24We're gonna look like idiots
05:25That's the point
05:26You're gonna look like an idiot
05:28I don't think you're going to look like an idiot
05:30I don't think you're going to look like an idiot
05:30I don't think you're going to look like an idiot
05:31I bet you wish these were your blueberry buddies eh
05:33I bet you'd love to be blueberry buddies with them
05:35Shut up
05:35We've come to tell you in person
05:36Oh what's up now
05:38Shut the fuck up Michaels
05:39Goody
05:40Dolo
05:41Hitch
05:41You're in
05:42Guess who's in
05:43You're in
05:44For what?
05:45Weird Sudbury
05:46Okay I don't see my phone
05:47Yes but
05:48Let's get good and weird boy
05:50When is it?
05:50Saturday
05:51Fuck you Shorzy
05:57Fuck you
05:58Shut the door
05:59Let's everybody just calm down
06:01She said shut the door
06:02She did shut the door
06:03What are you gonna do?
06:04When?
06:05Now
06:05What?
06:06You told the blue
06:07You told the blueberry buddies you'd go to the dance with them
06:10Yeah
06:10As I understand it you've prepared to dance with them
06:13Yeah
06:13I'd call it more of a spectacle
06:15It's a car crash
06:16And now we've learned that the dance is the same night as Weird Sudbury whatever that is
06:20Good and weird
06:21Yeah so
06:22So what are you gonna do?
06:24Go to the dance
06:24All of you?
06:25No
06:26Yes
06:26No just me and Michaels
06:28No one cares about Michaels
06:29I know I'd rather go by myself
06:31The kids don't look up to him the same way they look up to you guys
06:33I know he's almost like negative one
06:36What sort of parting message is this for them?
06:38You spent the summer working with them building a relationship you've planned this big dance
06:42Spectacle
06:43Multi-car pilot
06:44You say you'll be there for them then three of you bail and something better comes along?
06:47They're your guys you have to be there for your guys
06:50The hockey world looks out for each other
06:52Bulldog hockey baby
06:53If this is who the bulldogs are then
06:56Okay relax
06:57Holy
06:58Talk to them
07:00You're good at this Shorzy
07:02You should coach
07:04Alright so everybody listen up here now
07:08Accountability
07:10Not a chance
07:11We're going to the party bud
07:13Guys
07:13Shut the fuck up Michaels
07:15Bro you folk want to ask the party
07:16You have to?
07:18Yes sir
07:18Are they dragging you there by the short and curly?
07:20Huh?
07:21Are they supposed to be curly?
07:22I thought the most thrilled I'd ever be to hear me name called was at the NHL draft
07:26First round no less
07:27How wrong I was
07:29The most thrilled I ever was to hear me name called was at
07:32Weird Sudbury we get it
07:33What is it anyway?
07:35Good and weird
07:36But boys
07:36Boys would be boys boys
07:39Like
07:40Are you talking about the boys or the boys?
07:42The boys
07:43Be good
07:43Look that said it herself
07:44You're champions
07:45He means the boys proper
07:46And I'm all for enjoying everything that comes along with that
07:48Beat the S in Vegas baby
07:50But she also said
07:51There is a reasonable amount of time to celebrate something like this
07:55And I think that you've surpassed it
07:56And at this point
07:57I agree with her
08:00Summer's pretty much over
08:03Say we hit our tubing quota
08:04Oh to make so sick
08:05And this cup celebration's been pretty sick too
08:10Phenomenal
08:11Well I
08:12It's selfish now
08:16Our hockey players hold each other accountable
08:19It's what we do
08:20If you're fucking up you're going to hear about it
08:21Let's hear it
08:22You bailed on the gyms
08:24Now you want to bail on the blueberry buddies
08:26Somewhere along the line
08:28This stopped being about the team
08:30It's not hockey boys
08:31It's not about the Bulldogs anymore
08:32It's only about you
08:34Is this because we went to the party without Michael
08:37No
08:38Let's just double click on that
08:38Shut the fuck up Michael
08:39It's not what it's about
08:40Because if it was anybody else
08:41We would have sat it out with you
08:42It's only Michael
08:43It's only Michael's
08:45Don't worry about it
08:46Hold on
08:46If it's only Michael's
08:47Then why did you sit it out
08:49I don't know
08:49I'm still wrestling with that a little bit
08:51Let's just zoom in on that
08:52Michael shut the fuck up
08:53Maybe we could do both
08:547pm to 7am old man
08:56See you someone Shorzy
08:57It's bad luck for the team if you bail
08:59It's bad luck for the Bulldogs
09:02It's up to you
09:03It's more important
09:05You're the team
09:07Nice Shorzy
09:09You're good at this Shorzy
09:15You should coach
09:16But the boys ain't missing weird Sudbury
09:21Alright get on the bench
09:25Take your buckets off
09:26Anytime now
09:32Alright first off
09:33A little stick tap for Jack
09:35For putting himself out there
09:36To get a girl
09:37And being rewarded with a follow back
09:38On some silly social media site
09:41Alright it's your last skate
09:45With the Bulldogs
09:46National champs
09:47Senior will shit hockey
09:48Let's see your banner in the rafters
09:50Alright we know you're all off
09:52To camp here pretty quick
09:53They're going to be all over you
09:54With toxic masculinity
09:55And anti-femininity
09:56Anti-femininity
09:57Boys let's tell them
09:58What's really important
09:59Make a good first impression
10:01And always leave a lasting one
10:03Oh my god
10:03Hitting them with the recycle material
10:05Are you goody-bye?
10:06Yep
10:06You're real proud of yourself
10:08With that one eh?
10:08It's a good one
10:09We know you're redded on the wall
10:10At fucking Ikea or something
10:12No I didn't
10:13Saw it on a pillow
10:13At a fucking bed and breakfast
10:15No I didn't
10:15Pitch
10:16Boys when you're on the ice
10:17There's no room for chit-chatting
10:18With the other team
10:19Don't be smiling at each other
10:20Off the draws and all that
10:21Say hello after the game if you wants
10:23But it's all business on the ice
10:25Your loyalty is to your team
10:27Joe Dolo
10:27It's sure que le game a changé boys
10:29It's piu comme si t'es
10:30Mais tout le monde aime ça
10:30Batoy
10:31Ton coach
10:32Les gars assez doublan
10:33A côté de toi
10:33Les petits dans les estrades
10:34Fait que tu te faire remarquer
10:35C'est pas compliqué
10:36Drop the gloves
10:37Michael
10:38Look out for each other in the wild boys
10:40Check in
10:41Make sure the boys are doing okay
10:43Have a FaceTime if you can
10:44You never know when someone needs it
10:45And for fuck's sake
10:47Protect yourselves out there
10:48As a hockey player
10:50You've got your stick
10:51And your elbow
10:52Your opponent has their neck
10:53And their nuts
10:54If they come anywhere near you
10:55They get your stick
10:57And your elbow
10:57And their neck
10:58Or their nuts
10:59Yeah I know what you're thinking
11:00I've never been elbowed in the nuts before
11:02Neither had the no less than 500 dudes
11:05I've done it to
11:05Let's fucking go
11:06I think we'll all have a gym or two on our team
11:08Three if we're lucky
11:09Oh
11:09Did you guys square up with Jim?
11:11Yes pa
11:12And Jim?
11:13I won't win him
11:13And Jim?
11:14Gyms are unbelievable
11:15All right
11:24You're all off to camp real quick here now
11:26When you get there
11:28What are you going to be?
11:29The best player on the ice
11:30You?
11:31Yeah
11:31No you won't be
11:32You can't skate
11:33I can skate?
11:33Well yeah like you got him on the wrong fucking feet
11:35No I don't
11:36You know you're supposed to stay low to the ground when you skate eh?
11:39You fucking bob up and down like a figure skater
11:41Skating enough to get drafted to the L?
11:43You fucking skate's like a bird
11:44What?
11:44You skate like one of those birds that fucking bobs when they walk
11:48Those fucking walk around like pecking shit
11:50What are those called?
11:50Emus?
11:51I don't know
11:51I don't know what the fuck you're talking about
11:52Alpacas?
11:53Alpacas are more like camels
11:54Well I know they're fucking mammals idiot
11:56I said camels
11:58All right
11:58Raise your hand if you think Carter's an ugly skater
12:01Fuck you Shorzy
12:02Now let's point to the guy who's a fucking liar
12:04What was the question?
12:06All right you're all going off to camp here
12:07When you get there
12:09What are you going to be?
12:11The highest scoring defenseman
12:12Come on
12:13What?
12:13You?
12:14Yeah
12:14Well you better hope there isn't an egg between you and the net
12:17Why would there be a
12:18He means your shot couldn't break an egg
12:19Better hope there isn't a house of cards in the way of the pucks not getting through
12:22Fuck you Shorzy
12:23Better hope there isn't a little popsicle stick fence held together by fucking paste
12:27Shut up
12:29You can't skate
12:30You can't shoot
12:31You're ugly
12:32And he's so fucking awkward
12:34Oh my god
12:34But you're lucky
12:36Because none of that really matters
12:37What matters is effort
12:39Work ethic
12:40So when you get to camp
12:43What are you going to be?
12:45The hardest worker out there
12:46That's right
12:47The hardest worker out there
12:48Say it again
12:49The hardest worker out there
12:50That's right
12:51Say it again
12:52The hardest worker out there
12:53Hell yeah
12:54Fuck yeah
12:54Hell yeah
12:55Fuck yeah
12:56That's what matters
12:57That's what gets you remembered
12:59You understand?
13:00Do you think anyone's going to be thinking about Jack's big forehead
13:03When they see a guy who will play an entire period if you need him to?
13:06Do you think anyone's going to be thinking about Mason's back sits
13:08When they see a guy who's willing to push through the pain?
13:11And hey
13:12Don't forget where you come from
13:15You're from the north
13:17You're from Sudbury
13:18We ain't pretty and we get dirty
13:21Make fucking sure when they see your number out there
13:24They see your hometown in the program
13:26And they say bingo
13:27Of course
13:29You're from the home of the smokestacks
13:31You're from the home of the mines
13:33And you're from the home of the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs, bitch
13:38Represent
13:38Are you ready?
13:41Yeah
13:41Don't sound like it, boys
13:43Yeah
13:43Ready to do what it takes
13:44Yeah
13:45To be unforgettable
13:45Yeah
13:46Yeah
13:47Yeah
13:47Yeah
13:48Yeah
13:48Get dirty
13:49Get ugly
13:51Get the job done
13:53Let's go
13:53Let's go
13:54Let's go
13:55Let's go
13:55Let's go
13:55Here we go
13:57You're good at this, Shorzy
13:58You should coach
13:59Yeah, what are you going to do, man?
14:03When you don't know where to go
14:06Go where you're needed
14:08Go where you're needed
14:09Go where you're needed
14:33Right here, let's go
14:45No, slut, what if I was
14:47You never do anything but hockey
14:48It's fine, shut up
14:49Then leave me alone about it
14:50I'm putting it here
14:52Putting what here?
14:53My love
14:54Why is this so awkward?
14:59You told me to find a place to put my love
15:01Yeah
15:01And so I'm putting it here
15:02With the bulldogs
15:03Shorzy, I told you
15:04You're too hurt to play
15:05It's a coach
15:06I think
15:09Honestly, it's going so bad
15:11I don't even know anymore
15:12Came in here with real momentum
15:14And you just kind of squashed it
15:15It's supposed to be a great moment
15:17You ruined it
15:18Sold out
15:19Wait
15:24Are you sure?
15:27Yeah
15:28You're sure?
15:29Yes
15:29We're doing this?
15:30Look, I know you're a woman and everything
15:32But I'm not going to be constantly reassuring you
15:34Shut up
15:34If you're in
15:37Prove it
15:39I'm Jory Jordan with the Sudbury Kids Sport Report
15:43And we are back with breaking news
15:45After failing on TV like everyone knew he would
15:47Number 69, Shorer crawls back to the armpit of Ontario
15:49To try the only thing left and you can't do
15:51Teach
15:51Shorer's with nowhere to go but down
15:53I guess I'm wondering
15:54What's up?
15:55Was it love of the game that brought you back?
15:56Or the fact that you have nothing else going for you
15:58Personally or professionally?
16:00With the Bulldogs' recent success
16:01Many say a coaching shake-up is as welcome as hemorrhoids at a pool party
16:03Your thoughts?
16:04Shit in gears here
16:06As far as vices go
16:06What most drew you to chewing tobacco?
16:08The sucking or the spitting?
16:10Many have questioned Nat's decision to hand the team over to a man with the emotional intelligence
16:13Of a poopy baby
16:14And the common sense of a modern liberal
16:15I'm curious
16:15Are you sleeping with her?
16:16And if so
16:16What's that like?
16:18I'm quite serious
16:19As it's the only logical explanation here
16:20Is the sex 10 out of 10
16:21As most would assume
16:22Or does it eclipse total perfection
16:23Like I've been speculating on
16:24For years
16:25Both publicly and privately?
16:26Do you take a full Cialis for something like that?
16:29Or can you get by with just a hat?
16:31Would you say it was more awkward or disappointing
16:33When she screamed out my name instead of yours?
16:36Some final thoughts here, Shorzy
16:37You've always been dumb and ugly
16:37At your age it won't be long
16:38Until you're dumb, ugly, and fat
16:39Care to comment?
16:41With C-levels constantly rising
16:42Is it comforting to watch your hairline constantly receding?
16:44Last one here, Shorzy
16:45And we'll get you on your way
16:46As a man lacking any sort of real relationship in his life
16:48Most would assume it's because you're stupid
16:49I think it's because you're boring
16:50Who's right here?
17:01Hey!
17:01Go Bulldogs!
17:03Where are we going drinking with the cup tonight, boys?
17:05Woo!
17:09So, how does it feel?
17:13Like the itch has been scratched
17:15It ain't the Bulldogs without you, man
17:17Can you imagine us playing this season without you being there?
17:20Might have been there
17:21In what capacity?
17:22Just pop in and shower with the boys
17:24I said find a place to put your love
17:25I didn't mean literally
17:26Just have a couple giggles and go
17:28Don't fight me so much next time
17:29Thanks for helping me get there
17:33Big night?
17:38Blueberry festival dance?
17:39Don't worry, we'll behave for ya
17:41You know, I realized something
17:44I have been down your throats all summer about this team's reputation
17:48Down our throats?
17:49I know
17:49I know!
17:50You've been straight up our dumpers
17:52I thought you were acting like idiots
17:55Hurting our reputation
17:57Drinking from the cup all over Greater Sudbury
18:00I'm sad I missed this flash and go
18:02The Beef and Bird must have been a highlight
18:05Yeah, Porchetta Bingo would have been my first stop
18:07Looked like good times at Sudbury Cartways
18:09I'm right in the middle of Bridge of Nations
18:11And you were acting like idiots
18:16But you were doing what you should be doing
18:21Sharing it with the community
18:23That's my Bulldogs
18:26That's my guys
18:29I hope they have fun tonight
18:34You know you
18:40Carry on, Jay , ready?
18:45Yeah, awesome
18:47You know you
18:48Lost
18:49Yeah, listen
18:50Then know you
18:52But wait
18:55Soon
18:55No
18:56You know you
18:57I
18:57You know you
19:01Yet
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