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Reality Realm US
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Short filmTranscript
02:01Tomorrow, we bury Maxine.
02:04May she find the peace that eluded her in life.
02:07Guide me, oh spirit.
02:09Why have you abandoned me in my hour of need?
02:13I'm a hostage in my own home.
02:16Until her killer, Norma Delacorte, is brought to justice.
02:20You're out of cereal.
02:21May justice be done for the sake of Maxine's memory and our safety.
02:28Dinah, what on earth are you doing here?
02:37Identifying the body.
02:40Douglas can't bring himself to do it.
02:43You?
02:44I was Maxine's conservator.
02:45It's fallen to me to sign her out.
02:48One last time.
02:50So selfless of you.
02:52It's almost as selfless as throwing a funeral.
02:55A dead socialite and a fool.
02:56Tragedy rubberneckers from Orlando to Oka Humka will come just to say they were there.
03:00It's just what the Palm Royale needs to stay afloat after finding Maxine afloat.
03:13Will you please go in there with me?
03:19Ladies.
03:22Anne, what are you doing here?
03:23Maxine was my friend, but I'm just here as a member of the press to verify the identification.
03:34At least that's what I'm telling myself.
03:38How's that working for you?
03:41No comment.
03:45Stop eating.
03:48I'm grief-ding.
03:51Grief-ding?
03:52Grief-eating.
03:54For Mirabelle.
03:56And for me.
03:57I'm grieved him for two.
03:59Douglas must be devastated.
04:00Stop talking about Douglas, Maxine.
04:02I wouldn't expect you to understand.
04:03You always take her side anyway.
04:04Because Norma didn't kill Mirabelle thinking it was you.
04:07At least Douglas didn't try to poison or drown me like your sweet Norma.
04:10The way Douglas treats you, that's not love.
04:13If Tom did to me what Douglas did to you, oof.
04:15Tom is.
04:16The only difference is you can't get pregnant, Mitzi.
04:22Hey, Virginia said we can't leave.
04:29I know what that means.
04:36I've all seen dead bodies before.
04:37I haven't seen a dead body.
04:39Oh, oh.
04:39Oh, God.
04:41It's ghastly.
04:42Oh, what's that smell?
04:44Oh, God.
04:44Um, we've got to turn around?
04:49We must.
04:50Okay, on the count of three.
04:52Okay.
04:53One, two, three.
04:58What does she look like?
04:59No.
04:59Did you look?
05:00Didn't do it.
05:01I can't.
05:01Oh, God, I can't do this.
05:02Oh, God.
05:03Is this necessary?
05:04Do we have to?
05:05You have to.
05:06Okay, one, two, three, 3.5, four.
05:20That's not Maxine.
05:21That is not her.
05:22What?
05:22No, that's not her.
05:23I'm not sure who this is, but this is not our friend.
05:26Are you sure?
05:27Good luck with the, uh...
05:28Gina, I'm coming!
05:30There's a woman dog!
05:32Round them up, sequester them somewhere safe, and make sure no one else sees this body.
05:36No one.
05:38Yes, ma'am.
05:47Hey, Mama!
05:49What are you doing sneaking around up there?
05:52They got some good burgers here, right?
05:54Those weren't for me.
05:55I-I'm staying with the, uh, attractive but brooding gentleman.
05:58What are you two doing squirreled away up there?
06:01Uh, no one's supposed to see me.
06:03I'm dead.
06:05I'm sorry, mister.
06:06My friends call me Bruce.
06:07And your secret's safe with me, miss.
06:10Maxine.
06:11Um, just Maxine.
06:14Oh.
06:16My.
06:17God.
06:18Are you the dead socialite with the funeral tomorrow?
06:21Maxine Delacour?
06:22You know who I am?
06:23Oh, this is bad.
06:24Oh, this is so beyond bad.
06:28This is-this is a tragedy.
06:29This is Carmen.
06:31I-I really can't have another person crying over me.
06:33No, I'm not.
06:34A very close friend of mine from out of town is supposed to attend your funeral tomorrow,
06:39but if you're alive, then, well, I guess he's not coming to Palm Beach after all.
06:43I'm not supposed to tell you this, but great news.
06:50The funeral's actually still on.
06:53You better get down here to this hot tub right now.
06:58Come to the tub.
06:59Oh.
07:00Come to the tub.
07:02Come on.
07:02Come to the tub.
07:04Come to the tub.
07:06Come to the tub.
07:08Come to-
07:09She's coming.
07:10She's coming.
07:11I don't want to do this.
07:27The funeral, the big wedding, the constant public humiliation.
07:32Promise me, once the baby is born, I won't have to jump through any more hoops or loops
07:37or ex-wife funerals.
07:38Promise, we just have to fly to Switzerland first.
07:43Why are we flying to Switzerland?
07:44To sew up the baby trust with the bank.
07:48It's a paperwork thing.
07:50I'm sorry.
07:51I should have told you earlier.
07:52Dinah!
07:55Norma sent another note!
07:59Where's Dinah?
08:00She went to the morgue.
08:01Not if I can help her.
08:02The literal morgue, Perry.
08:03She just went there to identify Max's body for me.
08:08I'm coming for you.
08:10I'll see you at the funeral.
08:11I shouldn't have let her go in my place.
08:13I'll find Dinah before Norma does.
08:15Yeah, I'll come with you.
08:16Okay?
08:16Fuck, I gotta get changed first.
08:17Do not leave me here alone, Douglas!
08:19You're carrying the Delacorte air.
08:22Norma would never hurt you.
08:26I found out I had a twin sister, and her name is Mirabelle.
08:28And this woman, Norma, who was my husband's ex-husband's aunt, she tried to kill me, thinking
08:33it was me, but she ended up killing Mirabelle.
08:35I love you.
08:37You're the most fascinating woman I've ever met.
08:39You're like Doris Dave, she wasn't such a big jerk.
08:43I've told ex-lovers of mine they're gonna miss me when I'm gone, but you, you actually
08:46get to see your ex-husband missing you.
08:49You get to hear the tears, see the rending of garments.
08:52Shoot, I'm not gonna be able to see any of that.
08:54Well, Maxine, I do have a call.
08:58Oh.
08:59She really would love to see him cry.
09:02Did we just become best friends that are about to spy on our men?
09:05I think so.
09:06Let's go!
09:07Maxine, everybody!
09:09Excuse me.
09:19I need to speak to Agent Trainee Tom Sanka about the murder of Maxine Delacorte.
09:23Tom Sanka no longer works here.
09:25What?
09:26Why does the FBI care nothing about the endangered wives of Palm Beach?
09:30Robert?
09:30Why did Norma Delacorte want to kill your wife?
09:32Because Norma knows that Dinah knows that Norma killed Axel Rosenberg!
09:36I can't believe that she's gone.
09:38This is so fucked, man.
09:42This is so true, brother.
09:44So true.
09:46My wife, a potential future first lady of Palm Beach, is receiving death threats from the
09:53same killer who put this sad, sax ex-wife in the morgue across town.
09:57And?
09:58And we allowed my wife to identify the dead body of his ex-wife, and now my wife is in danger.
10:05If you don't hear from her in 24 hours, you can come back here and report her missing.
10:10Look at him.
10:13Look at him.
10:14The sad husk of a human.
10:15The morgue told us that no one could see his ex-wife on the orders of the FBI.
10:21No one else sees her until the funeral.
10:23You're gonna keep her on ice?
10:25When I know best what her wishes were?
10:29Shame on you.
10:29It's a doozy, Doug Boat.
10:35No doubt about it.
10:37A doozy.
10:39Maxine wouldn't want to be on display like some ornamental fern.
10:42She always said that if she went first, she'd want her ashes to be scattered in the wind
10:50from my bi-play.
10:53Hey, uh, do you need a hug?
10:59Yeah.
11:01Oh.
11:05That's it.
11:09Sorry.
11:10Don't worry about that.
11:12I just want to be able to honor her.
11:19Honor her in a way that I couldn't in life.
11:23I gotta get back to Mitzi.
11:26Let me drive you.
11:27Oh, thanks, man.
11:28I'll go off.
11:29I'll go off.
11:42Gosh, I really hope I didn't miss Douglas.
11:47I want to see him wail.
11:49Listen, who is the mystery man coming to my funeral?
11:52This is not a Japanese decorative pond.
11:57Do not be coy.
11:58I can't.
11:58I can't.
11:59He's well-known.
12:00Oh.
12:00Famous.
12:02Oh.
12:03Okay.
12:04Well, you can tell me.
12:06I'm dead, remember?
12:07Oh, please, just give me a hand.
12:08Okay, just a hand.
12:09Okay.
12:09Okay.
12:10A boulder plus a body of water in New York.
12:21No?
12:22No.
12:23Okay.
12:24Um, Doris Day's best friend.
12:28Oh.
12:30Tony Randall.
12:31No, but he's around.
12:33Okay.
12:35It rhymes with Sock Sudson.
12:39Rock.
12:41Rock Hudson's coming to my funeral.
12:43Shh, stop.
12:44He'd be ruined if it got out.
12:45Oh, gosh.
12:46That's so exciting.
12:47Yes.
12:48Oh, my God.
12:49I swear to God, it's like a fairy tale.
12:50Oh, my goodness.
12:51And then I never know if it's real.
12:53The other guys think I beat him up.
12:54If it's real to you, then who cares what the world thinks?
12:58It doesn't matter if he's a movie star or, well,
13:01an ex-husband.
13:03Yeah, back to you.
13:05Why, if he's your ex-husband, do you keep coming back?
13:10Do you promise you won't judge me or tell me to let it go
13:13or make me list all of his transgressions in detail?
13:15Who do you think I am?
13:18Okay.
13:22He can't go back to a man you never left.
13:26And Mirabelle, the twin sister I just found out I had,
13:29I told her the big secret that Douglas was the only man
13:32that no one ever loved.
13:34And then he confessed to her his love for her,
13:36which she thought was me.
13:37And then Mirabelle died.
13:39I know it's a lot to process.
13:41Yeah.
13:43You haven't had time to grieve your sister or your marriage.
13:47You are very wise.
13:49We're a wise people.
13:50Oh, yes.
13:56Speaking of grieving.
13:57Is that the new one?
13:58Gosh, yes.
13:59I hate to see a sheep girl cry.
14:03Here.
14:06Stop.
14:07What are you doing?
14:09I can't watch someone cry, even if it's her.
14:11That was the whole point.
14:12We came to watch people cry.
14:13I have done everything you told me to.
14:20But I can't do it anymore.
14:24You said no one would get hurt.
14:30What happened?
14:34She fainted.
14:35She fainted.
14:35She fainted.
14:35She fainted.
14:37She fainted.
14:39She fainted.
14:43Is Agent Sanka here?
14:54Tom left.
14:55Robert.
14:56I am so sorry.
15:00I would never do anything to hurt him.
15:03And if I'd known he'd lose his job, I would...
15:06He didn't.
15:07J. Edgar Hoover himself was taking an interest.
15:10A transfer was offered, and I insisted he take it.
15:13Before something bad could happen.
15:16Again.
15:18I don't know what rules you live by in Palm Beach.
15:22But some things are hard to bore you.
15:26Including my husband.
15:28We have children together.
15:32Do you know what that's like?
15:33Of course you don't.
15:39Can you tell him I said goodbye?
15:42Please.
15:43Yes.
15:44I can.
15:47But I won't.
15:48Do you think she's okay?
16:01What about the baby?
16:02You think the baby's okay?
16:03She's a kimbo on the wall-to-wall.
16:05This is how I spent my 20s.
16:06She's fine.
16:06Let's get her to the bed.
16:07You get heads, I'll get tails.
16:08Yeah.
16:09I'm trying to keep her hair nice.
16:10Oh.
16:10Okay.
16:11From the knees.
16:12Oh.
16:13Oh.
16:14Okay.
16:14Okay.
16:15One.
16:16Step.
16:16Two.
16:16Two.
16:17Three.
16:17Alley-oop.
16:19Protect the head.
16:20Okay.
16:21Okay.
16:22Gorgeous.
16:25I really scared her, didn't I?
16:27You are literally haunting the woman who stole your husband.
16:31Golly.
16:32That is sweet revenge.
16:34Should we let her stew in it a bit longer?
16:37Yeah.
16:37Let's go back to the hot tub and do some old-fashioned gloating.
16:40Sleep down, Betsy.
16:41I actually used to think minestrone was boring, but I don't think that anymore.
16:48I used to feel that way about chowder.
16:49Oh, my gosh.
16:50Soup sisters.
16:51Soup sisters.
16:52What in the literal fuck have you been?
16:55Oh.
16:56Um, I went to see Douglas, just to soothe his grief over my alleged death.
17:01But don't worry, he did not see me.
17:02But Missy did, and she thinks Maxine's a ghost.
17:05Who are you?
17:06Oh, sorry.
17:07Manners.
17:08This is Bruce, my new best friend.
17:10He's gay.
17:10Maybe you don't tell people that.
17:12Oh, I'm sorry.
17:13Okay, look.
17:14One or two things are gonna happen.
17:15Either you stay dead and we catch Norma, or the next funeral in Palm Beach will actually
17:19be yours.
17:20Nobody else can see you.
17:22There's only so many women this gay hotel can hold.
17:25There's other women here?
17:28Nothing Norma could inflict on us would be worse than this room.
17:31I do like the bedspread.
17:32Not after you read the comments in the guest book.
17:34I'll sleep in the bathtub.
17:42You might want to rethink that.
17:46Maxine?
17:47I'm so glad you're alive.
17:49Now I can kill you myself.
17:51I will explain everything to you and answer all of your questions.
17:55Can we do it downstairs in the jacuzzi?
17:58See my new gay best friend, Bruce?
18:00He's invited us all to a pool party.
18:02Jacuzzi mixer, he called it.
18:03The guest book calls it egg drop soup.
18:05Virginia said, nobody can see us.
18:08We can't go cavorting in a jacuzzi.
18:10I am a target, Maxine.
18:11These men are very discreet.
18:13Why would we go to a gay party with you?
18:15Because in the wake of tragedy, the only thing we have is community.
18:21And there are no mini bars.
18:23They have tons of booze.
18:24Now you're talking.
18:27I should have led with that.
18:29I'm going to write about this, but...
18:31Ooh, white hanky.
18:32That means they just like to watch and stroke it together.
18:37Oh.
18:38Do you ever stroke it?
18:40Huh?
18:40I have.
18:42Not my favorite thing to do.
18:44It's more attitude that makes a bear a bear.
18:47And their general interest in nipples.
18:49I panic every time, and I just can't do it.
18:51And I feel like I'm broken.
18:55You just have to relax.
18:58And learn how to relax into your breathing.
19:03Do you have access to a bidet?
19:05Wait.
19:06Do you and your husband?
19:08Perry says it reminds him of boarding school.
19:10Oh, hey, no.
19:11We're not all sex-crazed perverts.
19:13That would be the pigs.
19:15I see.
19:17And what kind of a man would a whale be?
19:22I'm a blower.
19:24I love that light blue.
19:26Light blue, left pocket.
19:27This is stunning.
19:28Do you know that I was the inspiration for the roommate in the bell jar?
19:32Oh, gosh.
19:32I just love all your pals.
19:34Come on.
19:34Thanks for including us and making us feel welcome.
19:37Well, it's not totally selfless.
19:38Cops won't raid a party with women.
19:42What are you doing?
19:44Out here looking folks in the eyes telling people about your own fuel.
19:47Bruce invited us all to a party.
19:48Oh, everyone.
19:49This is Virginia.
19:50She's a federal agent.
19:53Ladies, do you mind joining me for a private chat?
19:57This woman is like the plague.
19:59Oh, God.
20:00Get rid of her.
20:03Thanks.
20:08Ladies, nothing can go wrong tomorrow.
20:10Evelyn, you're in charge of the funeral, while Dinah will sit in the pew and wait.
20:14For what?
20:15For Norma to kill me?
20:17Will I at least get a security detail or a bulletproof vest?
20:22Discretion is key.
20:22Y'all can't tell nobody about this thing, not even your husband's.
20:25Great.
20:26And then you and I will be in the balcony together.
20:28Well, we'll, you know, surveil the premises.
20:32I think it's best for you to attend the services and provide credibility as press.
20:36But this was our case.
20:37We were working it together.
20:39You know, it's the FBI's case now.
20:41I got complete buy-in for once.
20:45Your staff is to proceed as instructed.
20:47May I point out that, like Dinah, there is zero upside in my participation here.
20:53And what about me?
20:54What's my role?
20:55Your sister is playing your role.
20:57I have to go to my own funeral.
20:58I need to see Norma's capture.
20:59I must be there.
21:00I'll see you all tomorrow.
21:02Except Maxine.
21:09Oh, well, look who it is.
21:13Boys!
21:14Boys, I have a question for you.
21:16If your best friend was almost killed by an old lady,
21:19and that same old lady accidentally killed her twin sister instead,
21:24whose side would you be on, huh?
21:25Your best friends or the mean old ladies?
21:30Yours!
21:31Thank you, Bruce.
21:32See?
21:33I saw Douglas.
21:34He's not taking your death well.
21:37Even I feel bad for you.
21:38But don't let us spoil your fun with your new friends.
21:46Father, that's not a good subject.
22:03He does.
22:05That's Grandma.
22:06You've got a good job.
22:07Look at Master.
22:08He goodies, that's true.
22:08It had been a good job.
22:09It made you a good job.
22:10His我 clothes are lined with my clothing and on.
22:11We're actually mimicking,
22:12but if you look certain signs of other things,
22:13Yeah, it's the funniest thing I've ever heard from a male friend.
22:32What in the world?
22:33Excuse me, you're not allowed in here.
22:35You can't take those.
22:36What do you...
22:37What...
22:38Put those down.
22:39Huh?
22:40Hello?
22:41Virginia, get your officers out of my office.
22:44It's out of my jurisdiction.
22:45What's that saying about death and taxes?
22:47Not even the FBI can stop a federal order.
22:50Taxes?
22:51You mean...
22:52I told you and Maxine to let me handle Pinky.
22:53But no, you had to call the IRS.
22:55They showed up last night.
22:56Where were you?
22:57You never came to bed.
22:59Well...
23:02Late night funeral prep.
23:03This is the biggest event of the season.
23:05Insomnia...
23:07I thought this might help, ma'am.
23:09With your grief and the IRS.
23:12Jed, thank you.
23:13You don't ask how to help.
23:14You just do it.
23:16I like that.
23:20Why don't you go clean the pool, Jed?
23:22Actually, I'm gonna need Jed on door duty.
23:24This is still an active murder scene, so...
23:26We're gonna need extra security.
23:28Ma'am...
23:30We have a major problem.
23:32It's hard enough grieving my sister.
23:33I've only known for as long as I've known you.
23:36But...
23:37The event of the off season.
23:39In my honor!
23:40And I can't even go!
23:41You have to report back to me in full detail.
23:43Preferably written.
23:45I'm not going.
23:48What?
23:49We both can't not go!
23:51Rock sent a note.
23:52Too much publicity.
23:53Rendezvous rescheduled.
23:56He said he'd call after, but...
23:57Not getting my hopes up.
23:59If you want to make a man hear you,
24:01you've got to make a man see you.
24:02Some advice?
24:03Don't take her advice.
24:04Especially if it's about men.
24:06And where are you off to with that fancy suitcase?
24:08I'm going to your fake funeral to give a fake eulogy
24:11as a fake American hero.
24:12I hear you. Fake.
24:13But what's with the bag?
24:14Well, I'm taking this Norma just in case she gets arrested.
24:17You know what it's like, Maxine?
24:18To be stripped from your dignity,
24:20tossed in a cell and stuffed into a paper gown?
24:23Well, at least I didn't kill my sister!
24:29That middle finger again.
24:31Ugh!
24:32Let's blow this joint.
24:39Wow.
24:40You are very good at this, Bruce.
24:42You should have seen me outside the Ice Station Zebra premiere.
24:44Oh.
24:45By the way, look at that one.
24:46She's devastated.
24:47Oh.
24:48Yeah, her plastic surgeon.
24:49He's a heavy drinker.
24:50I always say if she sneezes,
24:52she might look like a basset hound.
24:55Careful.
24:57Oh.
24:58Look who just zipped up on his Vespa.
25:01Ugh.
25:03Oh, my God.
25:04It's him.
25:05Who?
25:07My Rock.
25:09Oh.
25:10And he's with...
25:11Break.
25:12I don't know.
25:13The Governor of California?
25:15No.
25:16His wife.
25:17She's Rock's best Judy.
25:19I think her name's Nancy.
25:22You have a lot to learn.
25:24Nancy learned a lot from me, too.
25:25She can fit a golf ball through a garden hose now, thanks to me.
25:29Oh, gosh.
25:32Mirror Bell's in there.
25:34And I'm sitting here talking about movie stars and golf balls.
25:37I need to give you my proper goodbye.
25:39I'm going in.
25:40Maxine, you'll never get in through the front door.
25:43There's one thing I know how to do.
25:44It's sneak into the Pomeriel.
25:48And you are still invited to my funeral.
25:50You'll never let me in dressed like this.
25:52Wish me luck.
25:53Good luck, Maxine.
25:54Promise me you'll make him see you!
25:56Don't make him see you!
26:23Oh.
26:26Oh, Mirabelle.
26:31I just had to see you one more time.
26:35I'm gonna assume your head's over here.
26:46You know, I've always wanted a family of my very own.
26:49And I just want you to know, I...
26:55I cherished every second we had together.
27:00I'm gonna miss you, my little buttercup.
27:02I can't believe we're going through with this shit.
27:03Everyone out there believes Maxine's in that casket.
27:04When she's actually in a hot deal with her new gay best friend.
27:08If it makes you feel any better, there's nobody in the coffin.
27:09I can't go.
27:10I can't go.
27:11The whole time.
27:12I can't go.
27:13I can't go.
27:14The whole town thinks I'm the one who killed Maxine.
27:15Well, we all know that Norma's the one who killed her.
27:16They think I killed her specifically.
27:17They think I killed her specifically.
27:18I can't go.
27:19I can't go.
27:20I can't go.
27:21You're not even safe.
27:22I'm goengine, I'm chasin' crazy crazy.
27:24I can't believe we're going through with this shit.
27:25Everyone out there believes Maxine's in that casket.
27:26When she's actually in a hot deal with her new gay best friend.
27:31If it makes you feel any better, there's nobody in the coffin.
27:36I can't go.
27:38The whole town thinks I'm the one who killed Maxine.
27:41Well, we all know that Norma's the one who killed her.
27:44They think I killed her spirit.
27:46That's why she's haunting me.
27:49It's just your guilty conscience playing tricks on you.
27:52It'll pass.
27:53She was at our back door, I'm telling you.
27:56I can't go to the funeral and see her body.
28:00I may never see my wife again, but here's yours.
28:04What is this?
28:06Maxine.
28:08As per the grieving wishes of you, my stag brother.
28:14Let's get her away.
28:15Apparently, Perry Donahue went down to the morgue and threw a temper tantrum
28:18until they agreed to cremate the body.
28:20This town is so fucked up.
28:25And you know who the most fucked up of them all is?
28:28Maxine.
28:29I can't believe I have to eulogize someone that I actually want to kill.
28:32Just get through today.
28:34Norma is in Palm Beach.
28:36You know she won't be able to stay away.
28:42I appreciate your persistence, Mirabelle.
28:46Well, whoever you are, but until I find my bootlegger,
28:50I won't be delivering any messages today.
28:53You'll be delivering a message, Mary.
28:56I know.
28:57As soon as the processional starts, I make my move, and then you...
29:00Don't worry about me.
29:03You do your part, and I'll take care of the rest.
29:06And once that's done, I'll be free?
29:11We'll all be free.
29:13Come on, Norma.
29:15Show yourself.
29:23Rock Hudson.
29:24He's even cuter up close.
29:26Now, as soon as the ceremony is underway,
29:28I want you to head out back and start scrubbing.
29:30Nobody's going to want to swim in a pool
29:31with pieces of Maxine's decomposing body floating about.
29:34By the way, ma'am.
29:36Hey, hey.
29:38Do you want to talk?
29:39No, I do not want to talk.
29:41I want Jed to clean the rotting flesh out of the pool.
29:45Oh, gosh.
29:46Happy Rockefeller.
29:49And as I live and breathe, Babe Paley.
29:53Oh.
29:54Excuse me.
29:59Excuse me.
30:04Diana, I thought you were a goner.
30:07Perry, not now.
30:08Not now.
30:09Norma could be anywhere.
30:10I don't want to draw attention to myself.
30:12No, I do.
30:13I've been through it.
30:14Now Maxine's gone.
30:15Get your shit together, Perry.
30:16Gee, Perry.
30:17Didn't think we knew each other that well.
30:19Are you wearing a bulletproof vest?
30:22Two.
30:22I took yours when I thought you weren't coming.
30:25Yes, give it to me right now.
30:26Give it to me.
30:26Give it to you right now.
30:28You don't have the balls to protect me.
30:31I am just going to have to protect myself.
30:34Where are you going?
30:35The only place a woman can truly feel safe in this world.
30:39The ladies' room.
30:41Thank you very much.
30:44Excuse me.
30:50See?
30:50They're all looking at me.
30:53And so is Maxine.
30:56She's following me.
30:58And she's right, too.
30:59I've been terrible to her.
31:01I promise you, Maxine is on the counter where we left her.
31:04No, she's not.
31:08She's right there.
31:09If she's in there, then whose ashes do we have?
31:12Someone's in the kitchen at Dinah's.
31:13I am so sorry.
31:15There must have been a mix-up with the cremains, but I can assure you there's no one in that coffin.
31:21See, Mitz?
31:21It's all fine.
31:22Come on.
31:22Welcome, friends.
31:27I can hardly believe this is happening.
31:31It all feels so terribly unreal.
31:34I can't help but feel somehow that Maxine's just going to turn up one day.
31:40And yet, here we are, saying our final farewell to Maxine.
31:48Who knows what her last name is now?
31:51Maxine came to us as an outsider.
31:54But she worked and wormed her way into our hearts and burrowed in like a barnacle.
32:04that clung up into a piece of driftwood and could not be scraped off.
32:10Oh, no, no, no.
32:11Mary.
32:12Mary, stop right there.
32:16Mary.
32:17Mary, what do you do?
32:21I have a message for Maxine from the other side.
32:26So, if you all would just give us a moment of privacy.
32:32No, no, no.
32:33Don't do it, Mary.
32:33Wait, wait, wait, wait.
32:40No, no, no, no.
32:41I just need a minute.
32:42I need a minute.
32:42What?
32:52What the fuck?
32:57Someone named Maribel came to me.
33:01She says, don't worry about her.
33:07She's having a lot of fun and she loves you.
33:11And I'm not sure what this part means, but she said, there's lots of man rods in heaven.
33:19All right, Mary, that's quite enough from the spirit world for today.
33:23Now we'll continue with the service.
33:26Actually, I do have another message to deliver.
33:29No, I'll stay dry, Mary.
33:31I know what you're all thinking, that I shouldn't even be here, much less speak.
33:39Maxine and I were married for 20 years.
33:52Maxine and I just want you to know that I am so sorry for everything that I have done.
34:03I don't know if you chose me, or I chose you, or if love is just something that happens when two people choose each other the same moment.
34:17Like a bargain, and that beautiful, fragile bargain, that may only happen once for a person, could last a lifetime.
34:29If both people keep believing in the singularity of that magic.
34:34I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I let you down.
34:40Okay, hold it.
34:42Oh, how deeply, Marguerite.
34:52If anyone else has the urge to express themselves, please have the good sense to repress it.
34:57We will now resume the scheduled eulogy delivered by Maxine's dearest friend,
35:04Patriot, warrior, American hero, Mr. Robert Diaz.
35:26I don't know about y'all, but I can't bear to look at her.
35:29Oh, no.
35:35If Maxine were here with us today, she would want us to move on with our lives.
35:43Yes.
35:44She wouldn't want us to get stuck in sentimental stories or touching anecdotes.
35:50No, I love touching anecdotes.
35:52Maxine, contrary to popular opinion, she was a very private person.
35:58I was.
35:59So I'm going to ask you all to make a sullen pact where we don't talk about Maxine ever again.
36:07Life is too fucking short.
36:08And now, before the Palm Royale waitstaff brings Maxine to her eternal resting place on the ninth hole,
36:24Won't you join me in singing Maxine's favorite song honoring her hometown, Chattanooga?
36:34Yeah.
36:35The lyrics are on the backside of your prayer cards.
36:40Hello, railroad.
36:45Is this the railroad?
36:47Hello.
36:48Marjorie Merriweather-Post.
37:08How's the mayoral campaign, Dinah?
37:13I must admit, it is a terrifying time to be in politics.
37:19Ever since my speech at your square dance, someone's been threatening to unleash the dogs on us.
37:23Ruff!
37:25Ruff!
37:26Ruff!
37:33You?
37:35You?
37:38Are the one that's been sending the threatening letters?
37:44But why?
37:45Because you took my dick.
37:48I'm sorry.
37:49My dick.
37:50Richard Milhouse Nixon.
37:52My little Ricky.
37:54My little Dickie.
37:56My little droopy dog cutie pie.
37:58Oh, I am so sorry.
38:01I didn't realize that you and the president were so close.
38:04Of course you didn't.
38:05Then to have your hands in Carolina.
38:07When you hear the whistle blow and ain't to the bar.
38:11Then you know that Tennessee is not very far.
38:14Shovel all the coal and gun.
38:16The only way for a woman to have power in this world is to obtain three things.
38:21A buttload of money, a buttload of guns, and the ear of the most powerful man in the country.
38:27I've been seeing after Dick's needs for decades.
38:32I'm the one that always made sure that his milk was lukewarm and his saltines were cold.
38:38Whatever he needed, I provided.
38:41How very nurturing of you.
38:48I know.
38:49I'm a saint.
38:50Unfortunately, some little hippie tried to kill him.
38:53So now he doesn't want to come to Palm Beach anymore.
38:56So I thought I'd sweeten the pot.
38:58I offered to donate Mar-a-Lago to the cause of liberty.
39:03Use it as his winter White House.
39:05And then we could continue to canoodle under the cover of real estate.
39:09But now I realize the real reason he didn't want to come around.
39:13There wasn't a gun-wielding assassin.
39:15It was something far more dangerous.
39:17What?
39:18You.
39:19Me?
39:20You.
39:21With your white teeth and your tight little tush.
39:22Hey, potty potty, whoo-hoo.
39:25He's at the Chattanooga choo-choo-choo-choo.
39:27And I'm right on the track today now.
39:30Oh, baby, how fun.
39:31Oh, you can give me a shot.
39:33I can see you are upset.
39:37How can I make this up to you?
39:39I'll give you one hint.
39:40You can crack it, pour a little milk on it, add some herbs, but you'll never get an omelet.
39:46Axel's Faberge egg.
39:50I can assure you, I have looked high and low all over my home.
39:56Believe me, we've looked too.
39:57You've?
39:58Yes, in your home, with my men.
40:00Eating malta meal in your kitchen whilst they tore the place apart and put it all back together again.
40:06I feel so violated.
40:07Good.
40:08And after we searched your home, I now know that Axel had a top secret safety deposit box in Switzerland.
40:15It's the only conceivable place that final imperial egg could possibly be.
40:20So if I go to Switzerland and get that egg, then we'll be square?
40:25We'll be square.
40:29And if I don't get that egg?
40:31I'll kill you.
40:32What?
40:33Societally, I mean.
40:34I'll tell everyone you're Nixon's whore.
40:36But won't that hurt Nixon?
40:37No!
40:38People never remember what the man did.
40:40Only the woman.
40:41You'll have to carry that stench for the rest of your life.
40:45Ruff!
40:48Egg!
40:49Pardon me, boys.
40:50Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?
40:51Right on track 29.
40:52Well, you can give me a shine.
40:53Give me a merry to shine.
40:54Hello, friend.
40:55I have a message for you from Norma.
40:57Go home.
40:58Now, I have a message for you from Norma.
41:04Go home.
41:05Now.
41:06She's gonna cry.
41:07She's gonna cry until I turn around and over.
41:11I love you.
41:12She's gonna cry until I turn around and over.
41:14Let her go again if she wants to die.
41:17Hello, friend.
41:18I have a message for you from Norma.
41:24Go home.
41:26Now.
41:27I used to call her just a funny thing.
41:30She's gonna cry, she's gonna cry,
41:32until I've never found her.
41:47Norma.
41:48Virginia.
41:55Virginia.
41:56Ann, I thought I told you to stay down there with the mourners.
41:59She just went into the ladies' room.
42:01Vale, Norma.
42:02There.
42:10I got eyes on Norma.
42:11Suspect is on the premises.
42:13Hold your positions.
42:18I got you.
42:35Aha!
42:36Gotcha!
42:48Hey.
42:51Bruce?
42:53Don't shoot!
42:54Please, hold your fire.
42:55Put your guns down.
42:57What are you doing?
42:58What you told me to do.
43:04I just wanna talk.
43:06I just wanna talk to him.
43:08Rock, please.
43:10Rock, don't go.
43:11Whoa!
43:12Nancy, you are such an evil bitch!
43:14You listen to me, Rock Hudson.
43:16That woman is not your friend!
43:18She's a mediocre actress, too!
43:20And a superior bitch!
43:22Nancy Reagan is a bear with her friend!
43:25Stand down.
43:26Not our target.
43:31I can explain.
43:33Um, you see, um, I was forced against my will by the...
43:37It's gonna sound crazy.
43:39Uh, the federal government!
43:40They made me...
43:41Do this and...
43:43Tell them, Virginia!
43:44Tell them!
43:45Thank you so much for coming!
43:47Uh, we have open swim tomorrow at 11 a.m.
43:57You would let me believe that you were dead?
43:59I-I never wanted to.
44:00Just let me live my life in peace.
44:02Douglas!
44:06Douglas!
44:17Marla!
44:32Oh, you've really let the place go to hell, haven't you?
44:53Roma, the entire town is looking for you.
44:56The FBI is looking for you.
44:59Ditch the turban, ditch the moo moo.
45:01Nobody's gonna pay a little old lady any by it.
45:06I could get away with murder dressed like this.
45:10I should turn you in to the police.
45:13But you won't.
45:15We're family, you and I.
45:17What are you doing here?
45:19Darling, I can see it in your face.
45:24This town has become cruel to you.
45:27Which is why I've come back to spirit you away.
45:32Don't you realize?
45:34I've always thought of you as a son.
45:38Come on, let's blow this popsicle stand.
45:42Yes, mother.
45:43Mrs. Martinez, we have concluded our investigation.
45:55Our final assessment.
45:56My God.
45:57Evelyn?
45:58What's going on?
45:59Well, dead corpse floating in the pool.
46:00FBI sting foiled by Maxine rising from the dead.
46:02And now, the Palme Royale owes $8 million in back taxes.
46:04So the IRS is shutting us down until we settle.
46:05That's what's going on.
46:08At least you didn't lie to me.
46:09assessment. Oh, my God. Evelyn? What's going on? Well, dead corpse floating in the pool,
46:22FBI sting-foiled by Maxine rising from the dead, and now the Palme Royale owes $8 million in back
46:28taxes, so the IRS is shutting us down until we settle. That's what's going on. At least you
46:32didn't lie to me. I'm sorry. I cooperated with the FBI. My mistake. I'm sorry. I took charge of
46:38our lives while my husband sat around looking pretty. That is so unkind. The Palme Royale
46:45is finished. There's no coming back from this shit parade, and it's all on me to dig us out
46:49of another goddamn hole. It's all on you because you want it that way, because you like it that
46:55way. And how about you stop being so fucking nasty? How about you tell Jed to get out there
47:00and scrub the goddamn pool? Ay, por favor, arrodillate and clean the goddamn pool yourself.
47:08Where are you going? Don't talk to me. What? What did I do? Rock left for it at the front desk. He
47:30never wants to see me again. You did the right thing. I know you're right, but I still feel
47:37like shit. So thanks for that. See you around, maybe. Okay. See ya.
47:46Titless. Virginia filled me in on what happened with Mirabelle, and I brought you her ashes.
48:06I thought you might want them. I know you always wanted a family, Max. I'm just, I'm so sorry.
48:13The greatest pain. This is so sweet. You will ever learn. Is just to love and be loved in return.
48:30Judd, these are my private quarters. You shouldn't be here. I was wondering if there was anything
48:48you needed. Did you clean the pool?
48:50Maybe I did. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't.
48:59Maybe I didn't. Is just to love and be loved in return. Oh. Shit.
49:09The greatest pain. Permission to come aboard. Permission granted.
49:19For granted. Thanks for bringing me Mirabelle. It's very graceful of you, considering the circumstances.
49:42Maxine? Trust me. She'll be happy in here.
50:05She'll be happy in here.
50:14Maxine, I need to ask you something.
50:16I'm going to Switzerland, and I want you to come with me.
50:20Actually, I need you to come with me,
50:23to be there in person,
50:26so that you can sign away your claim on the baby trust.
50:29It's kind of a red tape thing.
50:33Because of us having been married.
50:36I'm sorry it's so last minute.
50:39It didn't matter when you were dead,
50:42but now that you're alive...
50:52I heard what you said at the funeral.
50:58That you love me.
51:00And I want you to know that I accept your apology.
51:05And I love you too.
51:09This has all just gone...
51:11It's gone too far.
51:13I've had so many feelings today,
51:15and I just...
51:17I need to go home and stop feeling.
51:20Did you mean what you said?
51:22I'll take that as a yes.
51:32I'll go to Switzerland.
51:34Wait, Switzerland?
51:36That's the scene of Mormon's first crime.
51:39Max?
51:41You ready for round two?
51:42Yeah.
51:43I'll take that as a yes.
51:44Take that as a yes.
51:45I'll go to Switzerland.
51:46I'll go to Switzerland.
51:48Wait, Switzerland?
51:50That's the scene of Mormon's first crime.
51:53Max?
51:54You ready for round two?
52:04I'm ready for you to clean the pool.
52:07That'll be all, Jed.
52:10Well, God damn.
52:12Get back inside your coffin, Maxine.
52:27She's mad at you.
52:28Yeah, I can tell.
52:29You know, they almost fired me today.
52:31And if I was a white man, they probably would have.
52:33The only reason why they're keeping me around
52:34is to trot me out whenever the FBI is accused of being racist.
52:37I'm so sorry.
52:39She's in a very dark place.
52:42Maxine.
52:44Oh.
52:45Hello, Mary.
52:47Virginia.
52:49Now that you are in law enforcement,
52:52I would like to report a missing person.
52:55Oh, yeah?
52:56Who?
52:57Me.
52:59For three days.
53:03I was being held hostage in my very own home.
53:08What?
53:09Bye.
53:11The same murderess that you have been trying to capture.
53:16And no one cared.
53:18No.
53:19No one sent up flares for Mary.
53:22Meanwhile, my bootlegger is gone.
53:28My one chance at finding true and lasting passion evaporated into thin air as soon as Norma arrived and took me hostage.
53:45When will I find love?
53:48When?
53:49I...
53:51I...
53:52I don't know.
53:53But can we go back to Norma?
53:54I'm sorry.
53:55She's...
53:56She's at your house?
53:58Was.
53:59She left.
54:01She had me deliver a message to Robert saying to go home.
54:06And I did that.
54:07And now I'm free, no thanks to you, to go and search for my bootlegger.
54:14And now I do not need any help from law enforcement.
54:26The spirit is strong.
54:30And she will guide me.
54:33We gotta get to Mandela Court.
54:40Norma's a genius.
54:44They're gone.
54:48They're both gone.
54:50Both?
54:52Norma and Robert.
54:53Don't you see?
54:54While this whole town was here trying to trap her, she slipped in and she took him.
55:00Where her trail ran cold.
55:01Where she vacations with Mary in the Alps.
55:03Where she had Robert send her paintings.
55:06Switzerland!
55:07Switzerland!
55:17Fools rush in.
55:21Where angels fear to tread.
55:27And so I come to you, my love.
55:32My heart above my head.
55:37Though I see the danger there.
55:51To Jed, I'll love you forever.
55:53You're Mitzi.
55:57Well, this will do quite nicely.
56:02I know today was a bit challenging, but I'm going to Switzerland with Douglas and Mitzi.
56:14Strictly business.
56:16But since you're my conservator, I need your permission to travel.
56:21Just a quick John Hancock.
56:23With Mitzi, you don't say.
56:25I know.
56:27I'll do you one better, Maxine.
56:29I'll come with you.
56:30Eddie and I could use a little time away and Switzerland could be just the thing.
56:35Maribel said, I would find the killer by the pool.
56:49Look at this.
56:50The energies are strong right here.
56:52Killer of Maxine.
56:53Reveal thyself.
56:54My bootlegger.
56:55My bootlegger.
56:56At last.
56:57Where have you been?
56:58I've missed you.
56:59I've missed you.
57:00I've missed you.
57:01Rush in.
57:03I've lost you.
57:05Oh.
57:06Oh.
57:07Yeah.
57:09Oh.
57:12Thrones.
57:13Oh.
57:14Oh.
57:15Oh.
57:16Oh.
57:17Oh.
57:18Oh.
57:19Oh.
57:20Oh.
57:21Oh.
57:22Oh.
57:23Oh.
57:24Oh.
57:25Oh.
57:26Oh, oh.
57:27Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah
57:41Someone's in the kitchen, I know
57:44Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah
57:47Strumming on the old banjo
57:49Dinah didn't make no pudding
57:52Didn't make the apple pie
57:54Cause she's pitching in the kitchen with the apple of her eye
58:00Someone's in the kitchen, someone's there, I know
58:04Someone's in the kitchen, I know
58:08Somebody's in the kitchen, somebody's there, I know
58:15Someone's in the kitchen, strumming on the old banjo
58:19Come on out of the kitchen, get away from the old banjo
58:26Who can sit in the kitchen and do everything
58:33She's supposed to go downstairs
58:35And she's supposed to come downstairs
58:37Even without leaving, she's아니
58:38She's somewhat but failure
58:39And she's also had to go downstairs
58:41Her house maybe has to go downstairs
58:43If she's running from the kitchen
58:45The Auftragm pessoal
58:46The Auftragm pessoal
58:47The Auftragm ballistic
58:48The Auftragm official
58:49The Auftragm Province
58:51The Auftragmность
58:51the Auftragm
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