- 21 hours ago
First broadcast 30th October 1980.
Arthur buys a consignment of cheap red wine from dodgy wine merchant Clive Stannard.
Dennis Waterman -Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Peter Jeffrey - Clive
Rachel Davies - Bettina
Lois Baxter - Sandra
Patrick Malahide - D.S. Chisholm
Ron Pember - George
Pam St. Clement - Sandra's Mum
Diana Berriman - Joan
Davyd Harries - Policeman
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Donald Douglas - Scots Winetaster
Michael Logan - 1st Winetaster
James Griffiths - 2nd Winetaster
Burt Kwouk - Sojo
Leslie Adams - Winetaster
Cyd Child - Bettina's Flatmate
Renee Cunliffe - Woman in pub
Eden Fox - Winetaster
Tex Fuller - Sex Shop Manager
Alan Harris - Hotel Guest
Ray Knight - Winetaster
Jay McGrath - Winetaster
Rocky Taylor - Sex Shop Thug
Arthur buys a consignment of cheap red wine from dodgy wine merchant Clive Stannard.
Dennis Waterman -Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Peter Jeffrey - Clive
Rachel Davies - Bettina
Lois Baxter - Sandra
Patrick Malahide - D.S. Chisholm
Ron Pember - George
Pam St. Clement - Sandra's Mum
Diana Berriman - Joan
Davyd Harries - Policeman
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Donald Douglas - Scots Winetaster
Michael Logan - 1st Winetaster
James Griffiths - 2nd Winetaster
Burt Kwouk - Sojo
Leslie Adams - Winetaster
Cyd Child - Bettina's Flatmate
Renee Cunliffe - Woman in pub
Eden Fox - Winetaster
Tex Fuller - Sex Shop Manager
Alan Harris - Hotel Guest
Ray Knight - Winetaster
Jay McGrath - Winetaster
Rocky Taylor - Sex Shop Thug
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Sorry I'm late, Arthur. Terrible traffic on the A2.
00:10What you need is a drink. Something with bubbles in it.
00:13You bring the plonk.
00:15Well, Geoffrey, Jean-Baton has guessed the plonk.
00:17Napoleon's favourite tipple.
00:19Well, maybe he had a bottle too many the night before Waterloo, eh?
00:22I had a 69 the other. That is the vintage, Molly.
00:25Ah, yes, sir. The last bottle.
00:27Oh, we'll have to see about getting them some more then, won't we?
00:29Well, I think I could manage a nice vintage Bollinger.
00:32Bollinger? Even better.
00:34You are, sir. Nice and cold.
00:36Oh, thank you. Cheers.
00:38Here's to a successful business association.
00:41Absolutely. Cheers.
00:46I think you'll like the 71 I brought you.
00:48It's a shade smoother, a touch fruitier than the A69 you had.
00:51Oh, absolutely splendid.
00:53Where is it?
00:54It's in the car. You've brought the money with you, haven't you?
00:58Yes. Saves on the old bookkeeping and VAT, you know.
01:01Keeps the price down, doesn't it?
01:03Nine hundred.
01:05Okay.
01:06Oh, fine.
01:08Well, perhaps your man could start getting it into the cellar.
01:11No.
01:12Oh, no. My cellar's rather full at the moment.
01:14But I have a business associate who has a little place in town which he hardly ever uses.
01:18I have the keys of that place.
01:20I haven't had a lunch like that in years.
01:22Well, she told me you got divorced.
01:24I could have celebrated sooner.
01:25You expect me to call out all my old boyfriends and say you who are divorced?
01:29No, you could have got a card printed.
01:31The ex, Mrs Joan Griggs, at home.
01:40Or away.
01:42Is this it?
01:57Yeah.
01:58Still quite unspoiled.
01:59Somebody's wearing all your furniture.
02:00Who is it?
02:01Shh.
02:02It won't be staying here long.
02:03I'll be sorting out my cellar next week.
02:04Oh, God.
02:05Who's Arthur?
02:06Who's Arthur?
02:07The local bailiff?
02:08Fine wine should be kept at a constant fifty degrees.
02:09Oh, yes.
02:10Of course.
02:11That's a lot.
02:12Um, does your associate live here?
02:13Oh, good heavens.
02:14No, no, no, no.
02:15He has a place in the country.
02:16Suffolk.
02:17Georgian.
02:18No, no.
02:19He just uses this as a pieter.
02:20Hello.
02:21Oh, Terence.
02:22I thought you were up in Suffolk.
02:23Eh?
02:24Well, I was going to be sorting out my cellar next week.
02:25I'm sorting out my cellar next week.
02:26Oh, God.
02:27It was Arthur.
02:28Who's Arthur?
02:29Who's Arthur?
02:30The local bailiff?
02:31Fine wine should be kept at a constant fifty degrees.
02:32Oh, yes, of course.
02:33That's a lot.
02:34Um, does your associate live here?
02:36Oh, good heavens.
02:37No, no, no, no.
02:38He has a place in the country.
02:39Yeah.
02:40Oh, I thought you were up in Suffolk.
02:41Eh?
02:42With Samantha and kids.
02:44Oh, no.
02:45Well, yeah, no.
02:47I came down for a couple of days, you know.
02:50Shop early for Christmas.
02:51Yeah, Terence McCann, my associate.
02:53Clive Stamard.
02:54This is the shipment of Claret I was telling you about.
02:57You said a couple of crates.
02:58There's enough here for a bleeding army.
02:59Yeah, well, I really must be on my way.
03:01It's just a little matter of paying for it.
03:04Oh, yes.
03:05There we are.
03:06Thank you very much.
03:07No, no, no, no.
03:08No need to break up a case.
03:11I brought you a bonus bottle.
03:14Oh.
03:15Perhaps your associate would like to try it.
03:17Yeah, it's off.
03:191971 Geoffrey Chamberlain.
03:21Lovely.
03:22Very smooth.
03:23Dry.
03:24Best results if you chambray it for half an hour of room temperature.
03:27Oh, what else?
03:29You going straight back to Dover?
03:31No, no.
03:32I thought I'd have a night on the town.
03:33I thought I'd try that new hotel.
03:35The, uh...
03:36The bar show.
03:37Oh, very good.
03:38Very good.
03:39My friend, his manager.
03:40I'll have a word with him.
03:41Make sure he takes care of you.
03:42Thanks very much.
03:43Well, let me know when you want Dad Bollinger.
03:44Samantha.
03:45Got a dodgy chest.
03:47Worked so damp this time of year in Sussex.
03:50Yes.
03:51Well, I'll let myself...
03:52Fine.
03:53Bye-bye.
03:54Goodbye, Joe.
03:55You said a couple of crates.
03:56Harry!
03:57For God's sake, this is a draught from the ice.
03:58Bloody Siberia!
03:59What, are you doing London on business, sir?
04:00That's right, yes.
04:01Just started one night?
04:02That's all, yes.
04:03Your case.
04:04Thank you, and that's for you.
04:05Oh, thanks very much.
04:06Have a good evening.
04:16Okay.
04:18Thank you, and that's for you.
04:19Thanks very much.
04:20Have a good evening.
04:38Yes, I'd like an outside line, please.
05:05Mm. 71 was a wonderful year.
05:09Not for me it wasn't. I was in the scrubs.
05:11Still a touch fruity, though.
05:13Yeah, that's probably all the pineapple chunks they put in it.
05:17You'll enjoy being Philistine, don't you?
05:20Never even met him.
05:21Oh, dear.
05:23Who's this geezer, Stanard, then?
05:25Wine dealer from Dover.
05:28Do you mean they fell off the back of a boat?
05:30Nothing of the sort.
05:31Does he sit on a beach and wait for them to be washed up?
05:33Look, however he gets them, it's a gift, isn't it, at six quid?
05:36We can knock them out at ten and upwards.
05:38We?
05:39Well, I thought you'd give me a hand.
05:41Use your contacts in the clubs.
05:42No, I'm sorry, mate. It's not my style.
05:45Well, I couldn't do it with any conviction.
05:47Sorry.
05:47Hello.
06:01Ah, ah, yes.
06:03Come in.
06:06I'm Bettina.
06:08Look, it's a good upmarket line.
06:10And it's plenty more where that came from.
06:12All they've got to do is trample the grapes fast enough.
06:14We're going to get a beer.
06:18All that plunk gives you a terrible thirst.
06:23Cheers.
06:24Cheers, lad.
06:27We're, um, a bit dressed up, aren't we, for relaxing?
06:30Er, why don't you go and slip into a dressing gown?
06:33Oh.
06:35OK.
06:36OK.
06:44I just thought I'd make myself, um, more comfy.
07:11All right.
07:17Well.
07:22Bottoms up.
07:23Cheers.
07:28Like now, though?
07:30Just a small one, then.
07:31Hmm?
07:32I can tell you're next, Steve.
07:34What?
07:35By the way, you hold your head.
07:37Oh.
07:38By the way, it's 50 quid.
07:41What?
07:42For the massage.
07:44Oh.
07:46Yes, of course.
07:53How's that luxury cafe of yours going?
07:56No, no, no, no.
07:57I've got a new line.
07:58The wine trade.
08:00No, I'm starting off in clarets.
08:02That's what I was phoning about, really.
08:03I've got a wonderful opening offer.
08:05But a 1971 Geoffrey Chamberlain.
08:08Sun and rainfall were perfect that year.
08:11It was a year boycott made a duck at Lord's.
08:14Geoffrey Chamberlain.
08:15As in boycott.
08:17Prince of your Bordeaux's.
08:19What?
08:20No, no, I haven't got a cold.
08:23Bordeaux's.
08:23No, no, no, George.
08:26It's not sparkling.
08:28No, no, George.
08:29Claret comes from France.
08:32Look, to you.
08:33Knock down price.
08:34Six quid a bottle.
08:35I can't do it cheaper than that.
08:38Six.
08:39One.
08:41No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
08:43One bottle is six quid.
08:45That ma...
08:46Hello, George?
08:48George?
08:48George?
08:50George?
08:51Why don't you roll over, Clive?
08:53Mm.
08:54And I'll show you my Japanese technique.
08:56Glam!
09:01Japanese, eh?
09:05I bet they didn't do this at Pearl Harbor.
09:08What?
09:09Never mind.
09:10Oh, it is very relaxing.
09:14That's good.
09:15Oh, you've got a nasty lump there, Clive.
09:18I think you've been working too hard.
09:22I've been using your right arm too much, haven't you?
09:33Is that nice and relaxing, too?
09:40Oh.
09:48Oh, it is.
10:13Let's go.
10:43Can you hear the Chancellor on the telly the other night?
10:58No.
10:58Talking to the unions.
11:00You want to hedge against inflation?
11:02Sod pay rises, take it in good claret.
11:07All right.
11:09I thought you'd gone back to Dover.
11:11Oh, no, not yet.
11:14I've got a little unfinished business.
11:17Good night last night.
11:19Oh, quite a night.
11:21Fetch some coffee over, Dave.
11:27You don't look as if you spent the night in your hotel room watching the telly.
11:30No, I didn't watch telly.
11:33You, um, you called the manager, did you?
11:38Yeah, yeah.
11:38Well, the manager was out when I called by.
11:41I spoke to the assistant manager.
11:43Yeah, but you asked him to take care of me.
11:45Yeah, yeah.
11:46Why, was the, uh, service not all right?
11:49It was very good.
11:51They sent his tart up to my room, named Bettina, to give me a massage.
11:55Oh, that's his service.
11:57I didn't know the barks you were into that.
11:59A little leaflet was pushed under my door.
12:01Oh, I telephoned the number for personal massage.
12:06Oh, naughty, naughty.
12:08And you know the rest, don't you?
12:11What the hell are you talking about?
12:12Oh, come on.
12:13She slipped something in my drink, she took my money and my credit cards,
12:16and she even knew to look in my briefcase for the 900 quid.
12:19She took all of it?
12:20What do you expect?
12:21She'd leave a refund for the massage?
12:23Oh, come on, Arthur, who do you think you're fooling?
12:25And you are implying that I am the mastermind behind this grand plan to rip you off.
12:34You knew where I was staying?
12:36You telephoned the assistant manager.
12:38You must be bummed if you think I...
12:40Then how did she know to look in my briefcase?
12:42Oh, come on, you said there was a leaflet.
12:44Pure bloody chance you called that number.
12:46And how the hell was I to know you're into personal massage?
12:48I told you I was going to have a night on the town.
12:50On the town, yeah, not on some bird in your hotel room.
12:53If you want to have your sacroiliac manipulated, that's your business.
12:56Funny, though, isn't it, how you got the wine?
12:59And now the payment's disappeared.
13:01Look, I do not run a fleet of phony masseuses
13:04trained to pummel people who I've just given money to.
13:07No.
13:07No.
13:09But I do not like to see a business associate ripped off.
13:13So you give me this phone number and address.
13:15I have contacts.
13:16I'll have this looked into.
13:17Ah, there's the really clever twist.
13:19She took the leaflet with her.
13:20What, how the hell do you expect me to...
13:22I do expect you to, Arthur.
13:23Leave it out.
13:24What do you think I am?
13:26You know Billy Gresham, don't you?
13:29Yeah.
13:31Not well.
13:32I know him well.
13:33Old friend from service days.
13:34We still do each other a favour now and then.
13:37He's got some big lads, Arthur.
13:38He employs for collection purposes.
13:40Now, wait.
13:41I'll wait.
13:42For three days.
13:44Phone me when you've got the money.
13:45I hate to interrupt your comeback as world champion, but if you've got any grey matter left unscramble...
13:51Look, I've told you what I think, haven't I?
13:54Bloke can't pull a bird for free.
13:55He's got to pay for it, hasn't he?
13:57Especially if he's kinky.
13:58Not for 900 nigger of my money.
14:00So we've got to try and find this rip-off artist.
14:02Oh, yeah.
14:03And how are we going to do that, eh?
14:05There's got to be 50 poncies working a massage jacket and left one alone.
14:08Please.
14:09Please.
14:09It's quieter.
14:11I can think.
14:12There's nothing to think about, son.
14:14Your mate deserved it.
14:16He's a burke.
14:17Yeah, a burke who knows Billy Boy Gresham.
14:20Gresham?
14:21I've got three days before Billy's collectors get after me.
14:25You didn't tell me he was involved.
14:27Well, I wanted to save you from anxiety, didn't I?
14:29Thanks!
14:30I knew you had an old score to settle.
14:33Settled it.
14:34His way.
14:36That don't sound like you, Terry.
14:38Don't it?
14:39I'm breathing, can't I?
14:40Can't ask for more.
14:42Like that, was it?
14:44Anyway, sounds to me like you got the trouble, Sunshine.
14:47Ain't even got a bird's number.
14:49Yeah, but there can only be one outfit working that territory.
14:54Damn.
14:55I've had an idea.
14:56I don't want to hear it.
14:57All this training you're doing, you could use a good message.
15:04Look, it's not going to work, is it?
15:06If I phone up and ask for Bettina, they're going to smell her rat, aren't they?
15:09I mean, if a geezer gets taken to the cleaners by a bird, he's hardly going to ask for the same again, is he?
15:14That is the whole point, my son.
15:16Whichever bird they send will have been briefed to play the same trick.
15:19Well, why don't you get hold of your old muck at a manager?
15:23It's his hotel, innit?
15:24Let him sort it out.
15:25Two reasons.
15:27A, I don't know him from Adam.
15:29And B, even if I did, he wouldn't have heard about it.
15:31Blokes who use tarts are too shy to talk about it, even if they get their trousers whipped.
15:35Oh, God.
15:37Don't you signal, darling.
15:40You make me laugh, you do.
15:42Just because you're trying out a new car, nobody else is allowed on the road.
15:45Look, Terry, who's ever staked you out for a treat like this?
15:48I'm footing the bill, remember?
15:50Legitimate expenses of the wine trade.
15:53Fifty quid for me.
15:55What for?
15:56Wear and tear.
15:57Will you be paying by cash or by card, Mr. McCann?
16:02Oh, cash.
16:03George, room 403 for Mr. McCann, please.
16:08No, it's all right, I'll take that.
16:10Anything you need, Mr. McCann.
16:12Just ring.
16:14I will.
16:14Cheers.
16:20Are you up in town on business?
16:22Yeah, that's right.
16:24In the wine trade, aren't you?
16:26How do you know?
16:27There's a lot of them staying here tonight.
16:29Huh?
16:29A bit late for the tasting, though.
16:31It started half an hour ago.
16:32Did it?
16:33Yeah, in the Gloucester room.
16:35Oh, yeah.
16:36All right, there's some, isn't it, eh?
16:37All that free wine.
16:39Well, when you're ready, I'll take it down if you like.
16:41Show you where it is.
16:44Yeah.
16:45Yeah, cheers.
16:54Splendid buffet.
16:55Very appealing.
16:58Come on today, 73.
16:59Yeah, thanks.
17:00Yes.
17:01Rather dry.
17:04Cheers.
17:12Tee.
17:13Firm.
17:14Fruity.
17:15But still subtle.
17:16The court arm was more sinewy.
17:18Quite.
17:18More elegant, somehow.
17:19Still, it's a good, meaty burgundy.
17:21It's just the thing before your Sunday snooze.
17:23Well, it's cool, 75.
17:30Classic here.
17:31Absolutely.
17:34Just look at that color.
17:35Fine nose on it.
17:41Splendid.
17:50It's a bit fruity for a 75.
17:52Yeah, but subtly fruity.
17:54Yes.
17:55Actually full-bodied, though.
17:57Almost sinewy.
17:58Right.
18:00That's better than that 71 down there.
18:02No question.
18:03Here.
18:07Biscuit.
18:08I never touch those.
18:10Pure bloody cardboard.
18:12I always carry my own.
18:14Granary.
18:15Tough.
18:17It's much better for the palate.
18:20Who are you with?
18:21I'm on me own.
18:23I meant, uh, which company?
18:26Half the dailies.
18:27Now, that's got balance and body.
18:37Meaty.
18:40Half the dailies, where are they?
18:43Uh, Dover and Brighton, uh, mostly South Coast outlets, you know.
18:48Yes, I don't know the South.
18:49I'm from Scotland.
18:51Really?
18:52Oh, you should try the white burgundies.
18:56They're excellent.
19:17Hmm.
19:22What would my body do in fruity, eh?
19:32Hello?
19:34Terry, you've done it already.
19:37Well, don't tell me you're getting cold feet.
19:41Well, massage is very good for the circulation.
19:45No.
19:46No, Terry, that won't work.
19:48If you phone up and ask for the address,
19:50I think you're the law.
19:52Now, look, dial the bloody number.
19:54Tell them you want to take away massage,
19:55catch her red hair, and it'll lean on her.
19:58No.
20:00Terry, that won't work.
20:04Terry, if I'd known you were a virgin...
20:09All right, I'll be waiting.
20:11I've got a nice little Gerber's Trevon
20:12to keep me company.
20:16No, Terry, it is a wine.
20:18Yeah.
20:20I'll be thinking of you.
20:39Hello.
20:40I'm Sandra.
20:41From the Burlington service.
20:44Oh, yeah, that's right, yeah.
20:45Well, come in.
20:53I'm Terry.
20:55Terry McCann.
20:57Nice room you've got.
20:58Yeah, it's all right, isn't it?
21:00Oh, gee, it should be.
21:00What they charge.
21:01Do you want a drink?
21:05You brought some of your wine with you, then?
21:07No, when I'm off duty, I'll drink whiskey.
21:09Is that all right?
21:10Yeah.
21:12Just a small one.
21:15Anything with it?
21:16No.
21:19There you go.
21:24Cheers.
21:25Cheers.
21:26Oh, I left the shower running.
21:30Oh, God.
21:53They said it was 50 quid.
21:55Here.
22:03Here you go.
22:06Your company pay for this as well?
22:09Yeah.
22:11With salaneous expenses.
22:16Do you want another drink?
22:18Not for me, thanks.
22:21Well,
22:23as your company's paying for it,
22:25sir,
22:25why don't we,
22:26uh...
22:30Yeah.
22:36It's funny.
22:38What's funny?
22:39You don't look the sort.
22:41I mean,
22:42the type who has to pay for it.
22:45Thanks.
22:45You don't want anything special,
22:48do you?
22:49No, no.
22:50Just a regular massage.
22:52You really want the massage first?
22:55Yeah,
22:55I'll get you stiff all around the shoulders and the neck.
22:57Don't mind if I relax, do you?
22:59No, love.
23:00Don't do what you like.
23:01Oh, love.
23:02After all,
23:02you're paying for it.
23:03Yeah, right.
23:04Oh, come on, Leslie.
23:07Where are you going to get a Shampert in 71 for less than six quid?
23:11Oh, unless somebody sticks a label on a ketchup bottle.
23:14Now, look,
23:15I am knocking it out at a caterer at the House of Lords for nine quid,
23:18and that is wholesale.
23:21Yeah,
23:21but with your clientele,
23:23well,
23:24if you took three crates,
23:26I could let you have it for,
23:27oh,
23:27let's say,
23:29hello,
23:30hello,
23:30you've got a cross line there,
23:31someone.
23:32Hang up and try again.
23:34I,
23:35no, no,
23:35no,
23:35hang up and dial again.
23:38Dial again.
23:40Hello,
23:41let,
23:41no,
23:41no,
23:42I am not the star of India.
23:44No,
23:44no,
23:45I have not got six stuffed chapatis and a chicken vindaloo to take.
23:48Take out.
23:49Hello,
23:49Leslie.
23:50Oh,
23:50look,
23:50bugger you,
23:51Boonagosh,
23:51get off my line,
23:52will you?
23:53Leslie,
23:53Leslie,
23:54hang on,
23:54hang on.
23:55Um,
23:56how do you feel about a nice little wine with your takeaway?
24:01Where exactly are you?
24:08You're okay,
24:09love.
24:10Sleepy.
24:13You sure you didn't drink more than you sold?
24:18Harry,
24:26are you sure you're all right?
24:29Harry?
24:29Harry?
24:29Die.
24:48Bye.
24:50Bye.
24:55Bye.
24:58Follow that cab!
25:04Oh no, not again.
25:28How much do you want?
25:32Two and a half, please.
25:34There you go, three.
25:36Okay.
25:58Yes?
26:02I've come to see Sandra.
26:04Who is it, Mum?
26:05Someone for you.
26:06We'll be down in a sec.
26:08Come in, she won't be long.
26:14I'm Sandra's mum.
26:16Pleased to meet you.
26:18Are you a friend of Sandra's?
26:20Yeah, yeah, I'm Terry.
26:22She never mentioned you.
26:24Very secretive, my daughter, about her friends.
26:28Hello, Terry.
26:31This is my mum.
26:33Have we done the introductions?
26:35Yeah.
26:36I know Terry from work.
26:40Come on, you.
26:41Bed.
26:42Why don't you watch today?
26:43Well, I say you can't.
26:44Now, come on.
26:45Off to bed.
26:46Take him up, will you, Mum?
26:47He can get up there by himself.
26:49Oh, great.
26:50Go on.
26:51Off with you.
26:52Work with Sandra, do you?
26:54Yeah, yeah.
26:55I never met anyone from Sandra's work before.
26:58What do you do?
26:59Well, I, um...
27:00Terry's one of the partners.
27:02Oh, that's nice.
27:04I keep telling Sandra she should get on the day shift like everyone else.
27:08Yes, Mum.
27:09Terry's not in charge of that side of things.
27:11What do you want?
27:13I need to talk to you.
27:15There's, uh, been a bit of trouble down at the, um...
27:18The salon?
27:19Yeah, the salon.
27:20There's been a bit of trouble.
27:21Well, why don't we go down the pub and talk about it?
27:25Yeah, good idea.
27:26Come in.
27:27Well, why don't you stay here?
27:28I've got some beer in the fridge.
27:29No, no, it's all right.
27:30I'll make myself scarce in the kitchen.
27:31No, there's no need.
27:32Have you had any supper, Terry?
27:34Only, I've got something in the oven for Sandra.
27:35It'll stretch to two.
27:36Mum, it's okay.
27:38I've eaten honestly.
27:40What we've got to talk about will only take a few minutes.
27:43I could do with a drink anyway.
27:44Come on, Terry.
27:45Yeah, well, come on, Mrs, um...
27:46Baker.
27:47Bye, Terry.
27:48See you again, I hope.
27:50Yeah, you never know.
27:52There you go.
28:06You sure you're not going to pull this one away?
28:09Positive.
28:10Cheers.
28:14Now, you say they never told you to rip off clients?
28:17Never.
28:18I wouldn't have done it, even if they had.
28:20I mean, fair's fair.
28:22It would have been kind of...
28:24Immoral?
28:25Yeah.
28:26Kind of immoral.
28:28Anyway, I don't want to do anything or get the cops on me.
28:32I've got my family to think of.
28:34Oh, yeah, of course, yeah.
28:36I've got another kid, too.
28:38She's five.
28:40I've had to support them and my mum ever since my husband left.
28:43When was that?
28:44We walked out four years ago.
28:46Hmm.
28:47So you reckon this patina bird is thieving freelance, eh?
28:52Lady bitch.
28:53You make more than enough at this game without having to steal.
28:57You met her?
28:58I haven't met anybody.
29:00I just phoned through the appointments.
29:02What does your mum think about all these phone calls?
29:04She thinks I work in a private hairdressing and manicure.
29:08I used to be a hairdresser.
29:10Can earn four times as much this way and no tax.
29:14What's their cut?
29:1525%.
29:16I send it weekly to a box number.
29:19Well, they trust you to send the right amount?
29:21They make the appointments.
29:23They know what I charge.
29:24They know my address.
29:26A friend who got me involved said they'd get very nasty
29:29if you don't play it straight.
29:31God, if they knew about this patina...
29:34They'd slice her up.
29:36Look, I don't want to cause any trouble.
29:42I'll just get back.
29:46Look, I'm sorry about you, friend.
29:48A lot of money to lose.
29:50Still, it's silly of him to carry it around, isn't it?
29:53Yeah, yeah.
29:54Very silly.
29:55Well, thanks all the time.
29:57Thanks for the drink.
29:59Hang on a minute.
30:08It's my phone number.
30:11Call me sometime.
30:15Here, cheers.
30:16I mean, not on business or anything.
30:19We could go to a film or something.
30:24Yeah.
30:26Yeah, fine.
30:27Hang on.
30:32You really wrung my heart, old son.
30:34I spend 100 quid on your night out and all you do is bring me back a bloody social problem.
30:38Yeah, well, I've got a phone number if you want to take it to the pictures.
30:43You like her old mum and all.
30:45Very funny.
30:46Didn't you get a single lead?
30:48I need new shock absorbers.
30:49Well, it's me what needs new shock absorbers, after what you just told me.
30:55If I'd spent 50 quid on a bird, I'd at least have myself a massage.
31:00I didn't fancy it.
31:03All we've got is a lousy phone number and a crummy box number.
31:07How are we going to trace them like that?
31:08Look, I'm not a bleeding detective, am I?
31:10And I'm not that mad about being in the wine trade either.
31:13And I'm not all that mad about being accidentally run over by one of the standard's heavies.
31:17No, it's probably a wind-up.
31:19Give us a call if it isn't, all right?
31:21Oh, yeah, yeah.
31:22I'll crawl to the nearest phone box with my two broken legs.
31:28I'll tell you what.
31:29Yeah, I know.
31:30You need a new plug.
31:31And not only in your old banger either.
31:33That leaflet.
31:34They can't put it under everybody's door, can they?
31:36I mean, it might be a respectable cuppa or a family or something.
31:40So?
31:41I think I've got a lead.
31:44Yeah, I wish you'd been a drop.
31:46Well, I don't know.
31:48I wish you'd been a Wednesday at the latest.
31:50Yeah.
31:51Hello, George.
31:52See you later.
31:53Remember me?
31:55Well, you aren't staying in the hotel, are you?
31:57No, no, I did last night.
31:58You showed me to my room.
31:59Oh, yeah?
32:00Yeah.
32:01Remember that?
32:02You shoved it under my door.
32:05I'll leave it out.
32:07Well, let's have a quiet little chat then, eh?
32:11Not here.
32:14What are you, the Lordy?
32:15No.
32:16On what comes before the law, they come afterwards if you don't cooperate.
32:20So tell me about this racket.
32:21Hey, what's this, George?
32:23You bring your friends round for dinner?
32:25Think I've got a fool to eat here on my wages?
32:28I don't know anything about it.
32:30Yes, you do.
32:31You show a lonely gent up to his room, right?
32:33You ask him a few questions, see if he's got a little time to kill a few bob to spare, and you slip one of those under his door, don't you?
32:42Cupid's little messenger, that's what you are, isn't it, George?
32:45Okay, so I deliver them, but I don't run the sodding racket.
32:48I know that.
32:49You're not bright enough, are you?
32:51But who does?
32:53No.
32:54No, I can't tell you that.
32:56You can.
32:57Now.
32:58You coming in with me?
32:59No, no, no.
33:00I'll stay in the car.
33:01I think that'd be best.
33:02Oh.
33:03Don't want to be seen going in there, eh?
33:04People might think you're one of the dirty map brigade, eh?
33:05No, no, no.
33:06It's not that at all.
33:07I can't leave the car.
33:08It's on a yellow line.
33:09Besides, you might want to make a fast getaway.
33:10Could be rough in there.
33:11Yeah, that's why I want to talk about my share now.
33:13Your share?
33:14Well, you keep on telling me we're in the wine trade together.
33:17How much?
33:18I don't know.
33:19I don't know.
33:20I don't know.
33:21I don't know.
33:22I don't know.
33:23I don't know.
33:24I don't know.
33:25I don't know.
33:26How much?
33:28Five massages worth.
33:31250 quid?
33:33If I get the 900 back.
33:35And you already owe me 50.
33:37Lousy wine's costing me a fortune.
33:39Yes or no?
33:42Bloody chamberedain.
33:55You the manager?
33:56No, no, no.
33:57Out of fact, mate.
33:58Can I interrupt you?
33:59No, no.
34:00Oh.
34:01Oh!
34:02Oh!
34:03Oh!
34:04Oh!
34:05Oh!
34:06Oh!
34:07Oh!
34:08Oh!
34:09Oh!
34:10Oh!
34:11Oh!
34:12Oh!
34:13Oh!
34:14Oh!
34:15Oh!
34:16Oh!
34:17Oh!
34:18Oh!
34:19Oh!
34:20Oh!
34:21Oh!
34:22Oh!
34:23Oh!
34:25Oh!
34:26Oh!
34:27Oh!
34:28Oh!
34:29Oh!
34:30Oh!
34:31Oh!
34:32Oh!
34:33Oh!
34:34Oh!
34:35Oh!
34:41Oh!
34:42Oh!
34:43Oh!
34:44Oh!
34:45Oh!
34:46Oh!
34:47Oh!
34:48Oh!
34:49Hello, officer!
34:50Yeah, I'll be all right in a minute.
34:52Oh!
34:53A sudden migraine. I thought I ought to pull in for a second.
34:58Migraine? You get these attacks often?
35:01No, no, no, no. Very rarely.
35:04Well, I thought it might be neuralgia.
35:06Well, even if you've got cholera, you can't park on a double yellow line.
35:11Well, what do you want me to do? Drive around banging into people?
35:13I've got double vision.
35:15You ought to get to a doctor.
35:16How? I can't drive like this.
35:18Well, if it's that bad, I'll call you an ambulance.
35:20What, and tow my car away? No, thank you.
35:22No, no, no. Just, just, just give me a minute, will you?
35:24Oh!
35:25Ah!
35:30Tripped, did you?
35:32Yeah, yeah. Tripped.
35:34Yeah.
35:35You hurt yourself?
35:36Nah. Nah, I'm all right.
35:42Didn't get yourself chucked out of there, did you?
35:45You sure wouldn't be seen dead in a place like that?
35:52No, no, no.
35:55And how are you feeling now?
35:57Much better, thanks.
35:58The double vision's going.
35:59Right.
36:00Well, you'd better move off
36:02before you see two policemen moving in on you.
36:05Right, thanks.
36:08All done.
36:09All done.
36:09You don't know what I've been through.
36:10Yeah, I noticed they took a bit of persuading.
36:26Hmm.
36:27They're very ethical.
36:28Like lawyers or priests.
36:30Always trying to protect their clients.
36:32What a fixed patina.
36:33Fixed her?
36:34Yeah, well, they weren't very happy
36:35that she had half-inch 900 quid
36:37without divvying it up.
36:39So they're going to let us deal with it.
36:41Oh.
36:42Well, in two hours' time,
36:43she's going to room 434
36:44for a spot of massage.
36:46Now, I can't afford to get another room
36:47for you in that hotel.
36:48No, no, there's no need for that.
36:49We'll pick her up before she gets there.
36:51Are we going to recognise her?
36:53I've sorted that one out, too.
36:55Ooh.
36:56A little exercise really sharpens up your mind, doesn't it?
36:59Oh, yeah.
37:01Souvenir for you.
37:02What is it?
37:04Just a little something
37:05to sharpen up your love life.
37:07Aye.
37:27Oh, God.
37:29Come on up the back stairs.
37:30Jogging is a fourth floor.
37:32We're going to...
37:33Oh.
37:35That's the hour of the door.
37:38Oh, steady.
37:39You'd have been quicker than a walk, wouldn't it?
37:41I'm not walking up any back stairs.
37:43Hello, I'm Bettina.
38:04Oh, I'm Sojo.
38:06Mr. Sojo.
38:08Yes?
38:08They didn't tell me your other name.
38:10You just said Terry.
38:11No, not Terry.
38:12Oh, God.
38:14Has she come back when she knows it's a mistake?
38:16Casual.
38:16Casual Sergio.
38:18Yeah, well, uh...
38:20Anyway, you wanted a massage.
38:21Massage.
38:22A massage.
38:22Oh, yes.
38:24Massage.
38:25Oh, yes.
38:26A massage.
38:27Very nice.
38:28Just like at home.
38:29Come in, please.
38:30Very good of a hotel to know we like a massage.
38:33You didn't think of that, did you?
38:37Can't think of everything.
38:39We could be here all night, Terry.
38:41He's Japanese.
38:43So?
38:44You have no idea what they get up to.
38:47I'm going to sit down.
38:48Well, one of Patina's drinks and zonk, whatever he is.
38:57Perhaps Japs aren't allowed to drink.
38:59No, that's Muslims.
39:00Is it?
39:02How do you know?
39:03A load of them live in my street.
39:05Never see them in a boozer.
39:06And perhaps they're only allowed to do it in private.
39:09What are we talking about Muslims for?
39:11You started it, saying maybe Japs don't drink.
39:14If only I'd known.
39:15What?
39:16When I bought all that bloody plonk,
39:18I'd end up sitting here,
39:19waiting for a nip to have a nap.
39:22You ought to think yourself lucky.
39:24Why?
39:26Do you ever see Bridge on the River Kwai?
39:45Have a little word with you, Patina.
39:59Who are you?
40:00Never your mind, dear.
40:03You house detectives?
40:05Yeah, that's right.
40:06Oh, God.
40:07You're not house detectives.
40:16You're not cops, either.
40:18No, dear.
40:18This is a citizen's arrest.
40:20Yeah, well, what do you want?
40:21Two nights ago,
40:22you visited professionally a friend of mine,
40:24Clive Stannard.
40:25Hold on, Arthur.
40:26Let's have a look.
40:26Come here.
40:27Ah, don't be a silly girl.
40:29Don't hit a fall out of the car, do we?
40:32Oh, yeah.
40:33Been collecting again.
40:34You can carry on like this.
40:39We're going to wipe out
40:39the tourist trade single-handed.
40:41You also collected from my friend,
40:43and he's only from Kent.
40:45900 quid of my money.
40:48We want it back, or else.
40:51I have very good connections
40:52at Savile Row Police Station.
40:54I'll just whip in and get the money.
40:56No, no, no, that's okay.
40:57I'll go in.
40:58What's the matter?
40:59Don't you trust me?
41:00Yeah, of course.
41:01You went in last time.
41:03Porn shop, remember?
41:05I think it might be too dangerous, do you?
41:07Listen, if you need me,
41:09do your owl call.
41:18Just give me the money,
41:19and we'll say nothing about the other business, okay?
41:21Can't, love.
41:22Spent most of it.
41:23Oh, dear, dear.
41:24In two days,
41:24we'll have to make it up
41:25out of petty cash, won't you?
41:26Where'd you keep that?
41:27In the desk?
41:28Look, love,
41:29I mean, why don't you sit down?
41:31Have a drink.
41:33Your friends used to wait, you know?
41:34Wrong.
41:35Waitin' makes him go berserk.
41:54Now, come on, where is it, love?
41:56In there.
41:57Hello.
41:58Didn't know you were entertaining at home.
42:00Entertaining?
42:00You must be joking.
42:01Who's she?
42:02My flatmate.
42:03Who are you more like it?
42:04Ah, Arthur.
42:05When I'm just leaving.
42:07Arthur's there collecting some money for a friend.
42:09Whoa!
42:11Get out of here, quick, love.
42:12You've got to make them up.
42:13What's inside, you mean?
42:14What's the...
42:15Whoa!
42:16Oh!
42:17Oh!
42:19Oh, self-defense at evening classes, was it?
42:21Get off!
42:22Come on, hug, let's get out of here.
42:23Get off!
42:24You won't stay for tea.
42:25You bastards!
42:27Yeah, that's nice.
42:27Okay.
42:35You're welcome.
42:51You're welcome.
42:52yes i've got something for you that belongs to you i believe are you from the hotel no not exactly
43:14no where from then a friend of japanese tourism listen son leave the geishas alone here eh
43:20they're not the same as back home
43:22that is absolute nonsense i bought it from the shipper that's not what my colleagues heard in
43:30dover that's why the divisional inspector wants me to bring you in for a little chat
43:35no i mean arthur oh hello mr chisholm hello clive hello arthur i didn't know you knew my old friend
43:41detective sergeant chisholm oh we've known each other a while haven't we mr stanard
43:46you might have guessed you knew each other arthur no it is a recent acquaintance yeah how's your
43:52other friend billy gresham big billy gresham he's just gone inside no bail granted protective custody
44:04zero dear oh clive i just brought dean arthur please first as a matter i have to clear up
44:09with mr chisholm you've been doing business mr stanard arthur no no no i just asked him to find
44:15someone's address it really will do another time arthur i was hoping to have a business
44:18discussion with mr stanard well right now the divisional inspector wants a business discussion
44:24with mr stanard so you'll just have to cancel yours unless you want to come too no no no no no
44:29two's company well perhaps you'd like to come along now mr stanard
44:35goodbye arthur goodbye mr chisholm bye clive we'll um we'll just forget about that address eh
44:43what's all that then your while our friend been running oh you'll make a big saving when the law's
44:57on your side dave a large one come on up
45:02hello um can i speak to sandra please afraid she's not here she's out of work
45:31you want to leave a message no no no thanks bye
45:40lovely day terence my son why your great aunt died or something no no 95 and still going strong
45:55all the money under the mattress you were right about friend stanard i think that one might have
45:59fallen off the back of a boat cheerful charlie chisholm just took him in for questioning
46:03before you could pay him the money um well get a corkscrew go on we'll uh we'll broach a bottle
46:09celebrate
46:14there you are i'll broach the bottle you paid a bill bill yeah 250 quid for services rendered did we say 250
46:30yes arthur five massages worth you remember god blimey you can't complain about that 250 quid for all that plonk
46:42what's the matter got paralysis of the wrist or something not much of a nose on it
46:57no 71 should have a much fruitier bouquet oh come on drink the bloody stuff don't you nail it
47:04oh moroccan vinegar yeah you would know wouldn't you
47:16it's not that bad not bad you could wipe out half a sower with that no tell you what it's a duff bottle
47:28that does happen sometimes you know good wine don't always trouble you know talking about traveling
47:36you owe me another 50. 50 what notes what for i just gave you 250.
47:43no no no x's wear and tear oh yeah yeah you'll be charging me v18 next won't you there we are
47:51hmm that is definitely better
48:04are you kidding oh we cropped the price a bit four quid a bottle 30p for cooking oh that is drinkable
48:10if you're a meth drinker oh terry that is a good little table wine if you want to strip the polish
48:15off the table yeah hey i know a french polisher
Be the first to comment