Oscars 2019 Opening Mocks Ja Rule's Fyre Festival

Hollywood Journal

Transcript

00:00Good evening and welcome to the one millionth Academy Awards.

00:07We are not your hosts, but we're going to stand here a little too long

00:11so that the people who get USA Today tomorrow will think that we host it.

00:19That's great, that's great.

00:20So just a quick update for everybody in case you're confused.

00:23There is no host tonight, there won't be a popular movie category,

00:26and Mexico is not paying for the wall.

00:30That's right, and we won't be doing awards during the commercials,

00:40but we will be presenting commercials during the awards.

00:44So if all the winners could please say,

00:47Hellman's mayonnaise, we're on the side of food,

00:50instead of your speeches, that would be great.

00:53Again, we are not your hosts this year,

00:55but if we had hosted, it probably would have gone like this.

00:59I'm Freddie Mercury.

01:00Well, I'm the wife. Buster Scruggs, I hardly know her.

01:04Hey, Chad. That's a good one.

01:07Hey, Chadwick Boseman.

01:09What kind of plans you got later?

01:11These spanks are so tight, they've entered my spider-verse.

01:16I'm Sam Elliott for Sam Elliott mustache wax.

01:21Rome is on Netflix, what's next? My microwave makes a movie.

01:25And don't worry Bradley, after four kids, I too have peed myself at the Grammys.

01:34Ohhhh!

01:36Ohhhh!

01:37Ohhhh!

01:38Ohhhh!

01:39Ohhhh!

01:40Ohhhh!

01:41Ohhhh!

01:42Ohhhh!

01:43Ohhhh!

01:44Now everyone, look under your seats!

01:45You're all getting one of those cheese sandwiches from the Fyre Festival!

01:49Yeah!

01:50Ohhhh!

01:51We're not gonna do any of that.

01:53Nope.

01:54Not doing any of that.

01:55We are here to present the award for Outstanding Supporting Actress.

01:59Although, in my experience, all actresses are outstanding supporting actresses because women naturally support each other.

02:05Yep.

02:06For example, yes.

02:08That's true.

02:12That's very, very true.

02:13For example, I support both of you financially.

02:16Yes.

02:18And I hold your boobs while you jog.

02:20That's right.

02:21And Tina, I dub all your dialogue internationally.

02:24Eso es verdad.

02:25Hablas también por mí.

02:26The nominees for Outstanding Supporting Actress are...

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