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  • 5 weeks ago
Oscars 2019 Opening Mocks Ja Rule's Fyre Festival
Transcript
00:00Good evening and welcome to the one millionth Academy Awards.
00:07We are not your hosts, but we're going to stand here a little too long
00:11so that the people who get USA Today tomorrow will think that we host it.
00:19That's great, that's great.
00:20So just a quick update for everybody in case you're confused.
00:23There is no host tonight, there won't be a popular movie category,
00:26and Mexico is not paying for the wall.
00:30That's right, and we won't be doing awards during the commercials,
00:40but we will be presenting commercials during the awards.
00:44So if all the winners could please say,
00:47Hellman's mayonnaise, we're on the side of food,
00:50instead of your speeches, that would be great.
00:53Again, we are not your hosts this year,
00:55but if we had hosted, it probably would have gone like this.
00:59I'm Freddie Mercury.
01:00Well, I'm the wife. Buster Scruggs, I hardly know her.
01:04Hey, Chad. That's a good one.
01:07Hey, Chadwick Boseman.
01:09What kind of plans you got later?
01:11These spanks are so tight, they've entered my spider-verse.
01:16I'm Sam Elliott for Sam Elliott mustache wax.
01:21Rome is on Netflix, what's next? My microwave makes a movie.
01:25And don't worry Bradley, after four kids, I too have peed myself at the Grammys.
01:34Ohhhh!
01:36Ohhhh!
01:37Ohhhh!
01:38Ohhhh!
01:39Ohhhh!
01:40Ohhhh!
01:41Ohhhh!
01:42Ohhhh!
01:43Ohhhh!
01:44Now everyone, look under your seats!
01:45You're all getting one of those cheese sandwiches from the Fyre Festival!
01:49Yeah!
01:50Ohhhh!
01:51We're not gonna do any of that.
01:53Nope.
01:54Not doing any of that.
01:55We are here to present the award for Outstanding Supporting Actress.
01:59Although, in my experience, all actresses are outstanding supporting actresses because women naturally support each other.
02:05Yep.
02:06For example, yes.
02:08That's true.
02:12That's very, very true.
02:13For example, I support both of you financially.
02:16Yes.
02:18And I hold your boobs while you jog.
02:20That's right.
02:21And Tina, I dub all your dialogue internationally.
02:24Eso es verdad.
02:25Hablas también por mí.
02:26The nominees for Outstanding Supporting Actress are...
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