- 5 weeks ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00All right, after this hand, one more time around the table and that's it.
00:04And Zoe's friend and his dad are coming in a couple hours and I want to have the house ready.
00:09How do I look? Hair up, hair down? Which shoes?
00:13Is this dress too short, too long? Pink is too obvious, I should wear red.
00:16No red's too much pressure, black!
00:17Oh, oh, oh, oh, I can't breathe!
00:21Zoe, honey, you look great. There's nothing to be nervous about.
00:25Do you know how awkward this is?
00:27Uncle Freddy thought Max was some old guy talking to me online
00:29and went all the way to L.A. and thought Max's dad was the one I was talking to and hit him.
00:35Isn't it sweet?
00:36It's just like Romeo and Juliet, only, you know, with pedophiles and cops and stuff.
00:42They're here! Deodorant!
00:48Teenage drama.
00:50It's not even them, it's too early.
00:53Oh, crap, it's them.
00:54I can't entertain, my fondue's not ready.
00:58Judd, quick, get in there and heat the cheese.
01:00Sophia, flip the pillows.
01:01Allison, the finger foods.
01:04And breathe.
01:07Hey, you're early.
01:10Yeah, sorry, Max wanted to come straight over here.
01:12You're probably going to hear about this and I don't want to say who,
01:15but the driver yelled at someone for sticking their head out the sunroof.
01:18That was you, Dad.
01:19I said I didn't want to say who.
01:22Everybody, this is Zoe's friend, Max.
01:25Hi, Max.
01:25Hi, yours.
01:26And this is his dad, George.
01:28And this is, uh, this other guy that hangs out with him.
01:34I'm Ernie.
01:35I'm not really this fat.
01:40I'm going through something psychological.
01:44Why don't we sit down and make ourselves comfortable, huh?
01:46Freddie, wow, nice place.
01:48Are you kidding?
01:49This place is awesome.
01:50Could you imagine if we lived in a place like this?
01:53Hey, come on, Max.
01:54I'm sure your house is real nice.
01:56It was until I walked in here.
01:59Man, look at the view.
02:02You want a view?
02:02I'll put your bed on the roof.
02:05Are you a millionaire?
02:07Max, that's rude, okay?
02:08You don't ask people about their money.
02:10Hey, I'm a millionaire.
02:13Want to shake my hand?
02:14Oh, I do.
02:16You might rub off on me.
02:20Hey, Max, this is Zoe.
02:24Hi.
02:25Hi.
02:29So how do you like Chicago?
02:32It's cool.
02:37How was your plane trip?
02:39It was cool.
02:42Okay, now, Max, we came all the way to Chicago to see this girl.
02:45Hey, man, we only got three days, homeboy, so it's okay, talk.
02:50I remember the first time a boy came to visit me that I barely knew.
02:53He was so nervous, and I was so nervous, we could hardly communicate.
02:56He was a foreign exchange student.
03:01He wasn't here for you.
03:02He was here to learn English so he could teach it to his people.
03:07Want to go play video games in my room?
03:10Cool.
03:10Just to be safe, I better go make sure they keep the door open.
03:17You better hurry.
03:18That kind of passion won't wait.
03:19When I was a little boy
03:23About to hate you five
03:26My mother said I'd be
03:29The greatest man in life
03:32Now I'm a man
03:35Now I'm a man
03:38So, listen, um, we could all sit here and wait for young love to blossom.
03:54Or, uh, we could make some money.
03:58You guys want to play some poker?
04:00Uh, you know, Chris, let's just, let's push that to next week, huh?
04:03What, are you afraid you're gonna take advantage of us?
04:05I think we can engage you gentlemen in a game of chance.
04:10What are the stakes?
04:12Nickels and dimes.
04:13A little five-card draw.
04:15We're in.
04:15Ah, yes.
04:19All right.
04:21New guy deals.
04:24I got you covered.
04:26Hello.
04:27Mr. Franklin?
04:30Sorry about this, guys, but this is the smallest thing I got.
04:33Set us up.
04:35A hundred bucks.
04:37Okay.
04:38But, uh, here, here you go.
04:42It's two nickels.
04:44Good luck.
04:49You only gave us one chip, George.
04:52Put it up.
04:54This is how I like to play.
04:55You know, I like to paint myself in a corner.
04:57That way, the only way is up.
04:59Fold.
05:00Okay, let's see.
05:05I, uh, fold.
05:10Finally, I've got a hand.
05:11I, uh, fold.
05:16I'll check.
05:17Am I bluffing?
05:18What's up?
05:19Maybe, maybe not.
05:20Pair of kings.
05:25Hey, I win.
05:28I'd like to cash out, please.
05:30Hey, guys, let's just forget about poker.
05:33How about we go over to my restaurant and grab a drink, huh?
05:36Might as well.
05:36The cards just aren't coming for me tonight.
05:40Oh, hey, Grandma.
05:42This is Max's dad, George Lopez.
05:44Mr. Moreno, nice to meet you.
05:45You remind me of someone.
06:01If she comes at you again, you've got to palm strike her in a snout.
06:04Her eyes will roll back and she'll swim away.
06:06Hey.
06:25Paul, you really know how to talk to women.
06:30How'd you learn that?
06:32It's easy.
06:33I'll show you.
06:34All right.
06:34Look around and, uh, pick out a girl that you think is beautiful.
06:40That one over there.
06:42Ooh.
06:42Good choice.
06:44I'll take her.
06:44You can have her funny sidekick.
06:45Okay.
06:49Mm.
06:50My place, I'll pay.
06:52No, no, no.
06:52Hey, this is how you make your money.
06:55Damn, did I break something?
06:59The price of drinks goes up during after hours.
07:01These guys would do anything to increase their odds.
07:04There are a lot of beautiful women here, Freddy.
07:06You and your buddy must do all right.
07:08No, no, no.
07:08We do all right at lunch.
07:10By the time after hours comes along, it's more like, wait your turn.
07:13No pushing.
07:14You know, I didn't chase a lot of women.
07:17I won the lottery the first time.
07:19My woman is hot, and she is satisfied.
07:22Now, sir, she probably wants my voice to be the last one she hears before she goes to bed.
07:31Hey, baby, how's everything?
07:33I did bring cash.
07:34But I had to use the ATM.
07:38It doesn't matter why.
07:42I know there's a $2.50 service charge.
07:46But our bank isn't out here.
07:48What's the big deal?
07:50I'm on vacation.
07:52Okay, fine.
07:54Fine!
07:57Boy, oh boy, does she miss me.
07:58Hey, you know what?
08:01Let me give you that $2.50 so your husband will stop yelling at you.
08:07You got a wife?
08:09No.
08:10Hey, in a marriage, $2.50, man, can bring a world of pain.
08:14You gotta pick your battles.
08:15You're right.
08:16I've never been married, but when I am, I'll make sure I win the battle of who's the husband.
08:21Oh!
08:21That's a lot of talk for someone who works in a kitchen with an apron and a whisk.
08:34First of all, it's a whisk.
08:38And by the way, my kitchen is a man's kitchen.
08:42It's got sharp knives, fire, and I gotta touch raw chicken all day long.
08:46Well, I work in an airplane parts factory with deadly machinery, Fred.
08:51That'll slice you up.
08:53Last week, one of my employees literally gave me the finger.
09:04Let's face it, man.
09:05We're from different worlds.
09:06I came apart.
09:08And you think I didn't?
09:10Look, man, in my old neighborhood, kids used to play hopscotch in the chalk outlines.
09:16In my neighborhood, the only time you hopped is when you lost a leg, Wato.
09:23Yeah, well, in my neighborhood, we used to play hide-and-go-stab.
09:28Could you write down your address for me?
09:31Oh, sure.
09:32You gotta come visit me in that lane?
09:33No.
09:34I want to know where you live in case I need a restraining order.
09:39Now, hold still.
09:41Freddie, come on, man.
09:47You work here.
09:47You live in a pimp house.
09:49Face it, man.
09:50You got soft.
09:51I still hang out in places that are rough.
09:53I'm still hard.
09:55Yeah, yeah.
09:55You got the toughest job, the worst childhood.
09:58You know what, man?
09:59You're not the only one who had it rough, okay?
10:01And for the record, this isn't where I hang out.
10:04This is where I work, all right?
10:05I still kick it in the old neighborhood.
10:07I keep it real, real street, real hard.
10:12You think you can hang?
10:14How are we gonna get there, your Maserati?
10:18Hell no.
10:19It's getting satellite radio put in.
10:23Okay, so clearly your weight isn't your biggest problem.
10:28Chris, we're gonna roll out to our usual place.
10:32Oh, the couches over here?
10:34No, man.
10:38The place where we go drinking in my old neighborhood.
10:41The Arsenal.
10:42You guys, uh, meet us outside.
10:45Oh, you might want to write down your name
10:48and your next-to-kin's phone number on your stomach
10:50in case they can't find your head.
10:54These are the only ten digits I need.
10:56Guapa!
10:59Actually, if you dial the one before the airy code, that's 11.
11:02Shut up, Ernie.
11:03Well, I'm just saying, we're not in our area code.
11:05You got a dollar one.
11:06Shut up, Ernie.
11:08Hey, uh, we're not really going to the Arsenal, are we?
11:13I thought you said that that place is a total dive.
11:15George called me out, okay?
11:16I got something to prove.
11:18All right.
11:19All right, fine.
11:19Wait.
11:19I just, I want to get some moist towelettes
11:23just in case the bathroom attendant there doesn't have it.
11:24Shut up, Chris!
11:25You really like this video game, huh?
11:38Uh-huh.
11:40You want to go do something else?
11:41Uh-huh.
11:43You want to go rub my grandma's feet?
11:45Uh-huh.
11:46I can't get Max to stop playing the stupid video game.
11:55What do I do?
11:56Oh, honey, there's lots of ways to get a boy's attention.
11:59Uh, but they all require puberty.
12:02Okay.
12:03Um, guys love to talk about things they like,
12:06so go ask him what he's interested in.
12:08Okay.
12:08Okay.
12:12Oh, you're done playing?
12:13Maybe we could talk for a while.
12:14Well, sure, I guess.
12:17Why don't you tell me about skateboarding?
12:20Well, I'm mostly a vert skater,
12:23but I can do street, too.
12:24And now I can jump seven stairs.
12:27Last weekend, I tried to land at Switch,
12:29but I almost broke my elbow.
12:32Okay, that's boring.
12:36My turn.
12:37I just read Catcher in the Rye,
12:39and it changed my world.
12:41Did you ever read that?
12:41No, but I did read Captain Underpants.
12:45That was hilarious.
12:49Look, Max, I'm sorry.
12:51It's not you.
12:52It's me.
12:54I had all these unrealistic expectations.
12:57I hope we can still instant message as friends.
13:02But you're my girlfriend.
13:03Weren't you listening to me?
13:10We just broke up.
13:12Oh.
13:14But I can still play games until I leave, right?
13:18Sure.
13:22Just so I don't have any regrets
13:24of Mice and Men.
13:27You've read two books?
13:31Enjoy the game.
13:32I grew up in this neighborhood.
13:45You can smell the violence.
13:48Beer.
13:51It's warm right there on that pool table.
13:54Well, they cleaned it up.
13:56It's not that clean.
13:57Are you sure this place is safe, Ernie?
14:02Just stay close to me.
14:03You'll be all right.
14:08What do you want?
14:11Ernie was drinking a chocolate martini.
14:14Beers.
14:15We'll have four beers.
14:18I'll have a scotch.
14:19Like a single malt on the rocks.
14:22What do you have on your top shelf?
14:23A gun.
14:27Gun.
14:28You like guns?
14:29No, not really.
14:29Yeah, no.
14:29Freddie, we're gonna go.
14:34A lot of guys can't handle a place like this.
14:37And no shame in leaving, so...
14:39If you wanna go, I'll go.
14:42I'm good, man.
14:43Unless you wanna go.
14:44I don't wanna go.
14:45It's sticky.
14:51Is that blood?
14:53It might be,
14:55because I think I got the tooth right here.
14:59Wow, that's really in there, isn't it?
15:03Let's go over to my regular table.
15:05There's, uh...
15:06There's less teeth.
15:07Huh.
15:08Huh.
15:08Huh.
15:08Huh.
15:08Huh.
15:08Huh.
15:08Huh.
15:08Huh.
15:08Huh.
15:08Huh.
15:08Huh.
15:09Huh.
15:09Huh.
15:10Huh.
15:10Huh.
15:11Huh.
15:12Huh.
15:12Huh.
15:13Huh.
15:13Huh.
15:14Huh.
15:15Huh.
15:15Yo, what's the deal?
15:21Freddie, someone's talking to you.
15:25All right, no, I, I, I, I didn't hear nothing.
15:27I'll say it again.
15:28Look what you did, dumbass.
15:29All right, you know what, man?
15:30It's all good.
15:31Let me buy you another beer, okay?
15:36Why don't you just give him some flowers
15:38and kiss him on the mouth?
15:42What did you say?
15:43Pumpkin head?
15:44Me?
15:44Hey, hey, hey, I'm hassling him for disrespecting you, sir.
15:50Pumpkin head, huh?
15:51You just gonna take that?
15:52At least I didn't offer to buy him anything.
15:55Hey, I spilled the good man's beer.
15:58That was clearly my fault.
15:59He had a reason.
16:00Oh, he had a reason for me, too.
16:01My head's big.
16:02That's a reason?
16:04Damn it!
16:05You've been talking so long, now my boys are looking.
16:07I'll have to beat you down.
16:10Let's go.
16:15You ready?
16:17Pumpkin head.
16:18Let's do this, pretty boy.
16:20You checking me now?
16:32No, I just, uh...
16:34I need you to undo this class for me.
16:36It's really teeny, and I don't want to get strangled with it.
16:41The light's better over here.
16:42Lean down.
16:42I'm afraid you're still not answering.
16:54I don't know where they are, but they're not gonna have as much fun as us.
16:59I've never had a massage before.
17:02Dude, in that case, I'll let you take the hot one.
17:05Oh, no thanks.
17:06I'll take the big girl.
17:07She won't judge me.
17:08You don't need any lotion on me.
17:13I'm so foiling.
17:19What do you think?
17:25I can't believe I gotta go back to my crappy life.
17:30Why'd you do this to me?
17:33Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
17:34Hey, come on.
17:35Everybody's life has good and bad.
17:36All right?
17:38I mean, sure, I have all this, but I also have shallow relationships.
17:43I'm materialistic.
17:45I say whatever people want to hear.
17:48You know, I think your life's gonna be better than that.
17:51Really?
17:52Isn't that what you wanted to hear?
17:53Yeah.
17:53Then yeah.
17:54Yeah.
18:01I almost wore that sweater.
18:06It wreaks in here.
18:10Okay, now, we're not wasted.
18:11Why are you throwing us in with the drunks?
18:13If you'd like, I can put you in the murderer's tank.
18:15No, we're good here.
18:20It's been like an hour.
18:21Your grandma's coming to get us, right?
18:22Yeah.
18:23Yeah, she was in the middle of a Ken Burns documentary on baseball,
18:26but she said once that finishes, she'll get dressed, fix her hair,
18:30and then once I've been scared straight, she'll swing on by.
18:37Don't worry, Otis.
18:38We'll get you back to Mayberry.
18:39When we get back to your place, Freddy, don't tell Max, okay?
18:46I'm trying to prove to him that fighting is wrong.
18:48Especially fighting the way we do it.
18:51But that doesn't mean we're not tough.
18:54Yeah.
18:55I mean, shoot, we're in jail, right?
19:00Yeah.
19:01I don't like jail.
19:05Yeah, me neither.
19:05Look, I gotta be honest with you here.
19:09The closest I've been to a fight lately
19:11was when someone stole my parking space at the grocery store.
19:14You know what? I hate that. What did you do?
19:16I yelled.
19:17I mean, my window was up, but I yelled.
19:20You know what I do?
19:21I put a shopping cart behind their car,
19:23but one with a crazy wheel.
19:25So it's hard to steer for them to get back
19:27to the shopping cart collection area, huh?
19:30They're all like that.
19:31Oh, God!
19:32Oh, man, this...
19:37This is stupid.
19:39The only reason I took you to the bar
19:41was because you made me feel like my success made me soft.
19:44But you know what?
19:46You're right.
19:47I am soft.
19:48I worked hard to be soft.
19:50I mean, come on now.
19:52Feel that elbow skin.
19:53That's like a baby's butt, huh?
19:55Not you, Otis.
19:56I just made up all that crap
20:06because I was jealous of you, man.
20:08I mean, look at all you've done at 28.
20:10It took me 16 years on the line to make manager.
20:13Man, but you did all that
20:15while raising a family, right?
20:18Come on, now.
20:18We're both doing great.
20:20Why are we dumping all over it?
20:22You know you're right.
20:23It's like the better I do,
20:24the more I feel I need to apologize for it.
20:26I mean, I've got a beautiful wife,
20:28a beautiful house,
20:29two...
20:30kids.
20:32I got my restaurant.
20:34I got my penthouse,
20:36my Maserati.
20:37You...
20:37Hey, you got those four women living with you?
20:40Why are you just gonna ruin my moment like that, man?
20:46Wait, wait, wait.
20:47Oh.
20:50Man, put this.
20:52What?
20:53Put it in.
20:55No.
20:56Es para mi tarjeta navidad.
20:58No.
20:59No, not wearing a Santa hat.
21:02Ya, está bien.
21:03Tú, ponte esto.
21:06Tú, ponte el cornamento.
21:10No way.
21:11Aunque quieres pasar la noche aquí, machito.
21:16Seven and five, eight's not happening, bro.
21:18No.
21:18Looking good.
21:32Looking good.
21:33No.
21:37Villito.
21:45No.
21:46No.
21:46No.
21:47No.
21:47No.
21:47No.
21:48No.
21:48No.
21:49No.
21:50No.
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