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Breaking the News (2018) - Season 4 Episode 9
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00:00I am Des Lark and this is Breaking the News, the show that breaks the week's news and asks
00:15four opinionated panellists to put it back together again and I'm joined by four brilliant
00:20comics. On my right we have Ahir Shah and Susie McCabe and facing them are Elaine Malcolmson
00:26and Chris Thorburn. In the news this week fire crews tackled an early morning blaze at BBC
00:33Scotland's headquarters in Glasgow. Black smoke filled the Glasgow sky from the roof of Pacific
00:39Quay bringing panic and rumours that a new director general had still not been chosen.
00:50Justice Secretary David Lammy has said 12 more prisoners have been accidentally released in
00:55the past three weeks. Lammy has since introduced new measures to crack down on accidental releases
01:01a policy he's calling gonna shut the door. And the mayor of Pizarro in Italy has apologised
01:09to the family of Pavarotti after an ice rink was set up around his statue but on the upside
01:16it could be the last place in the world where a Christmas family activity is around a tenner.
01:26Right you've met the teams let's crack on with round one.
01:29This is the broken news round where our teams have to guess two major stories of the week that have
01:41been mashed together into one single news headline. So Ahir and Susie can you tell me what this is all
01:48about?
01:51Chancellor Rachel Reeves denied allegations in Gaelic.
01:54She misled the public about the state of St Andrew's Day. The Deputy First Minister Kate Forbes
01:59has called it an historic milestone calling for her to resign.
02:04Well I'll give you first go at this Susie. What do you think her first story might be?
02:08Did Rachel Reeves lead the public a merry dance on the scope of how bad the finances were?
02:16That is the perfect answer Susie. Yes we talked about the budget last week but this week it's
02:21all about the fallout. Sir Keir Starmer has denied that Chancellor Rachel Reeves misled the public
02:26about the nation's finances ahead of the budget. Rachel Reeves has also been accused of exaggerating
02:32a chess prize she claims to have won as a teenager. The Chancellor firmly defended her chess
02:37credentials recounting the time she snookered one opponent with a royal flush in injury
02:43time. You remember it used to just be out in the steps, red case, let's see if I'm going
02:49to take a penny off a pint. But she had been rolling out her plans for weeks. It's like
02:55your mum, come the middle of October she's like, and how big are they socks that you're
03:00wearing? You know what I mean? And what size a jumper is that that you've got? Rachel Reeves
03:06delivered that budget like my mum with Christmas presents. We all knew exactly what was coming
03:12but to make it worse when my mum hands you a Christmas present she goes, that's a jumper.
03:20Susie's right though, I think she was just using a tactic wasn't she of like lowering expectations
03:25and it is a tactic that some parents use at this time of year. You know when they start dropping
03:31into conversation, oh I heard it's been a difficult year for Santa. Oh the sleigh had to go through
03:40the MOT. Oh the valve went in the boiler. Got a huge vet bill when one of the reindeer ate a chicken
03:46carcass out of the bin. That sort of thing. And then on Christmas morning whatever Santa brings
03:52is a nice surprise. Rachel Reeves has been accused of exaggerating a story or two. When have you
03:59exaggerated a story? When I was the 1995 Snakes and Ladders champion.
04:04of North Lanarkshire. Well I'm actually pretty disappointed with what I've just heard because I was the 1995
04:16Snakes and Ladders champion of North Lanarkshire. You've come back to clean your tail. Exactly, I knew you'd be here.
04:24I would also like to dwell on the fact that as lies go, like it actually being the case that the public
04:32finances are a bit better than you said, like that's quite a nice lie. Generally speaking, like if a
04:38politician's going to lie to me, then telling me that we've got more money than we thought we did,
04:43that's a lovely, like if a Rachel Reeves lie is like there's actually a slight surplus, like a Boris
04:48Johnson lie was like, that child is not mine. Yes, well there we go, Rachel Reeves accused of maybe
04:55exaggerating a story or two. I don't know if this applies to you, Chris. When have you ever exaggerated
05:00a story? Oh I exaggerate without even meaning to. Like you know how when you're growing up and you hear
05:05like words and you don't quite know what they mean yet, but you start using them anyway. Like I remember
05:10being in school and I got into a fight with some bigger boys and then like later on in the day, like you
05:15know, I'm walking down the corridor, like a teacher sees me all roughed up and takes me aside and it's
05:19like, Chris, are you okay? What happened to you? I said, well, do you promise not to tell anyone? And
05:25he's like, of course, of course. I was in a gangbang. I tried to beat them off. There was too many of
05:35them. Please don't tell my mom. Nigel Farage claimed Rachel Reeves had attempted to mislead the British
05:42public with her budget. Reeves had also been accused of overstating her under-14s junior
05:48chess title, to which Farage said, well, let's not worry about what people did at school.
05:58What do you think a second story might be, Chris?
06:01Is it that Gaelic and Scots have now officially been recognised as languages?
06:05That is indeed correct. Gaelic and Scots have now been recognised as official languages as part of a range
06:10of new measures coming into force on St Andrew's Day. Though, since Charles stripped his titles,
06:15technically, it's now just Andrew's Day.
06:20What do you think then here, Elaine? A big story this week. Is it about time this happened?
06:24Yeah, I just assumed that it was an official language. But I guess, you know, you kind of have
06:30to understand that the issues around funding and support for languages can be tense, past, present,
06:42and the future. Stop it. Often conditional, never perfect.
06:48That's me signing off for the rest of the year.
06:56What about this? Obviously, we're talking about recognition of the Scots language.
07:00Chris, do you have a favourite Scottish word or Scots word?
07:04I'm a big fan of Stooshy. I love Stooshy. Like, you know, it makes a fight sound so cute,
07:09you know, like, adorable, you know. Welcome to Stooshy Club. First rule of Stooshy Club is
07:14weeshed about Stooshy Club.
07:17Elaine, what's your favourite Scottish word?
07:19Oh, Scots is great because it's got clipe. That's a good one. I like that.
07:24Dreek. That's a good one. Shugal. I like a good shugal.
07:28Well.
07:29They aren't great. It's just, no, but they do, they evoke something.
07:38Yeah. And Gaelic is, like, it's such a beautiful language and the description of colours are
07:45all associated with the colours of Scotland and what you see in the Highlands. And then
07:50it's, like, over a hundred words for hill or mountain. I'll never get over that.
07:56Susie, what about you, David? Do you have a favourite Scots word?
08:04It's a word that you don't hear very often now, and it's strumash. And it's always just a
08:10great word, you know, in a penalty box at football, it's a bit of a strumash. And now you don't
08:15really hear it as much because you normally just hear penalty arrangers, so...
08:18Well, I hear, do you have a favourite Scottish word?
08:26Yeah, I was actually talking to some of my friends at Stooshy Club about this, which means
08:32that I have actually broken the first and second rules of Stooshy Club, reached about
08:36Stooshy Club. I think my favourite is Baltic, which I use all the time. And I don't know
08:42if you've ever been to that part of the world, but in Latvia, they actually say, wrap up,
08:48it's pure Scottish out there.
08:51Kate Forbes has called the Scottish Language Act an historic milestone. The rare time a
08:56politician has called something historic without also describing it as deeply regrettable.
09:03And we got there in our native tongue. Well done to Elaine and Chris. You get two points
09:07for that. It was the mash-up of the fallout of the budget and Gaelic and Scots being recognised
09:12as official languages. And well done. At the end of that round, it is two points apiece.
09:18Now, much of our news is about public opinion, so to find out what stories people are talking
09:29about, we spoke to two friends of the show. Writer and broadcaster Nicola Meehan and comedian
09:35Paul Foote. So, Elaine and Chris, what is Paul talking about here?
09:40Put them up too late and people will say, oh, you're such a scrooge, get in the festive spirit.
09:45Put them up too early and people will say, oh, you put them up too early. You've ruined
09:50November. Is it the very important debate about when you should put up your Christmas
09:56tree? That is the right answer, Elaine. Well done. Yes, it is the annual debate. When should
10:02you put your Christmas tree up? If you're following Christian tradition and putting your tree up
10:07on the first day of Advent, that fell on the 30th of November this year. But this is too early
10:13for some. Experts say as well, the best way to decorate a tree is lights first, baubles
10:19second. Unless you're in Cornwall, where you have to start with jam.
10:25Chris Thorburn, the question goes to you. When is the right time to put up your tree?
10:30I mean, I've been a firm believer that you wait until December to put your tree up. I've
10:34eased a bit. I'm like, right, at least wait until Halloween's out of the way. And then earlier
10:38this year, like in the middle of October, I saw somebody in my neighborhood putting Christmas
10:42lights up. And I was stood out their window, shaking my head like they spot me outside.
10:46I'm like, take that down. Anyway, long story short, turns out it was a perfectly innocent
10:50family celebrating Diwali and... I'm a bigot. Um... I knew I recognised you.
10:59LAUGHTER
11:00OK, I'm sorry.
11:01APPLAUSE
11:02Well, there we go. Here's the debate. It continues. Susie, what do you think?
11:09When should you put the tree up? So, I'm in the street WhatsApp chat, right? They all started
11:15talking about the Christmas decorations and who gets the tree up first. And I went, oh no, I
11:20think you'll find there's a couple of homosexuals in this house. And we will not be beaten.
11:26LAUGHTER
11:27Listen, yous have taken Eurovision office. The church has tried to take Christmas office,
11:34but no, no, no. If you want to see gay, we'll show you gay.
11:39LAUGHTER
11:40APPLAUSE
11:41Elaine, do you have your own festive traditions?
11:46You know I like a traditional Christmas. Like, to keep it traditional, every year I have
11:52a virgin birth.
11:53LAUGHTER
11:54LAUGHTER
11:55Chris, what are your thoughts then? We're talking about all things Christmas. Do you have
12:05your own festive traditions?
12:07I always like to go to the cinema and see It's a Wonderful Life on the big screen every December.
12:12My favourite part of that film, you know, it's Jimmy Stewart has wished that he'd never been born,
12:17and, like, they're showing him, like, what would have happened if he had never been born.
12:20He wasn't there to save his brother, so his brother died.
12:23Like, the guy he used to work for became a sad old drunk.
12:26But then the worst part, the worst part, is when they find his wife, and she has a job in a library.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:34And he's devastated. He's like, oh no, she's an old maid!
12:39And it's like, she's 24, she's just wearing a hat.
12:43Calm down.
12:45Ah, here, what about you? Do you have any festive traditions?
12:48Love a Christmas jumper? Love a Christmas jumper.
12:51Uh, my favourite Christmas jumper is one that my sister got me, uh, which is a Die Hard-themed one.
12:58Uh, because it's just a grey jumper that says, in what looks like blood, now I have a machine gun, ho ho ho.
13:04Uh, all right.
13:05Yeah, and it's very fun, but often, when I'm putting clothes on, I'm just like, oh, I need to go out, like, let's just grab that,
13:12and you don't, I don't really think about what I'm wearing.
13:15Uh, which, uh, was relevant last December, when my wife was like, you have to change.
13:22I'm like, what are you talking about?
13:23It's like, and she just went, you're going to the airport.
13:26LAUGHTER
13:27Which is Die Hard-themed.
13:33Yeah, you might have seen that the White House Christmas decorations were revealed by the First Lady this week.
13:40Tacky, draped in gold, and purely ornamental.
13:43Melania is the President's wife.
13:46LAUGHTER
13:47Over to you now, Ahir and Susie, it's your turn.
13:52What do you think Nicola was talking about here?
13:54I'm actually wondering if it's too late to move into their Perthshire neighbourhood now,
13:58and if the back of the bus isn't singing that Ultravox classic,
14:01all the way, and all the way back, they'll have missed a trick.
14:04This is a village in Perthshire, it's got 100 people in it,
14:09and the village is called Dull, Dull, Perthshire,
14:15and Vienna, the tourist board of Vienna,
14:18has invited the entire population of Dull to come to Vienna in January,
14:24which is apparently the dullest month, as a sort of publicity stunt,
14:28and 35 of the 100 residents of Dull have said yes to the trip to Vienna,
14:33and the other 65 said, this means nothing to me.
14:36LAUGHTER
14:37APPLAUSE
14:38This is one of the best stories of the year, I love it.
14:46This story is for real, Ahir is correct.
14:49The Vienna tourist board has approached the entire village of Dull in Perthshire
14:53and offered them a free trip to Vienna to celebrate the sights of the city
14:57and prove that it isn't a dull place.
14:59What do you think about this then, Elaine?
15:01Is this a good way to promote Vienna?
15:02I didn't actually know that Vienna needed promoted,
15:06but apparently in Vienna, 50% of tourists have disappeared since COVID.
15:12I think they should be spending the money trying to find them.
15:15LAUGHTER
15:15LAUGHTER
15:16Well, Ahir, you've been a visitor here for many years,
15:22so you might be well-placed to answer this.
15:24How would you prove to tourists that Scotland isn't boring?
15:27Well, this is the thing,
15:27I don't think anyone thinks Scotland is boring, do they?
15:30We're recording this, like, right by the big tenants' factory,
15:34and when I was walking here, you just sort of see it come around a corner,
15:37and it's the largest structure of any description I have ever seen in my life.
15:43Like, it looks like it was put there by NASA,
15:45and the entire thing's just full of beer.
15:47And you're like, these are not boring people.
15:50LAUGHTER
15:51It's like Willy Wonka if he was pished all the time.
15:59LAUGHTER
15:59It's quite handy having the graveyard next to it as well.
16:05LAUGHTER
16:05APPLAUSE
16:06Well, Susie, what do you think about this, then?
16:11Vienna doing its bit to prove it's not boring.
16:13But how would you prove to tourists that Scotland isn't boring?
16:16I was in Edinburgh yesterday, and I was bored.
16:20Erm, there's just never any level of mental...
16:25LAUGHTER
16:25..that you get in the other cities, you know what I mean?
16:29You know, sometimes you walk down the street in Dundee
16:31and you go, there's a hostage situation.
16:33LAUGHTER
16:34I wonder how that happened, right?
16:37Or you're in Aberdeen and you're just like,
16:39why is everybody talking like a wizard, right?
16:42LAUGHTER
16:42And then you come to Glasgow and you go,
16:45well, there's a guy with an oxygen mask
16:46in a wheelchair smoking a cigarette.
16:48LAUGHTER
16:48Chris, what about you?
16:52We're talking about promoting tourism in Vienna,
16:54but let's flip it, how would you prove to tourists
16:56that Scotland isn't boring?
16:58I'd immediately take them to Akeli.
17:00I mean, like, come on, you go to Akeli,
17:02it's ballroom dancing, but it's also, like, a mosh pit,
17:07and it's also mixed martial arts, it's all one and the same.
17:11You know, you go to a Scottish wedding,
17:13you're going to leave with an atlas of bruises on you.
17:16LAUGHTER
17:16Elaine, what do you think about this then?
17:18How would you prove to tourists that Scotland isn't boring?
17:22I don't know, I think this mini-break idea is good.
17:25I'd like to see that keep going and try it out elsewhere,
17:29not least to see where they send the people from Twat.
17:32LAUGHTER
17:33LAUGHTER
17:34Dull already has an alliance, and I'm not making this up,
17:42Dull already has an alliance with Boring in Oregon,
17:46Bland in Australia,
17:48and John Swinney.
17:49LAUGHTER
17:50APPLAUSE
17:51Well, there we have it, a surprising offer to visit Vienna
17:59is the right answer, two points,
18:01goes to Ahir and Susie!
18:03APPLAUSE
18:03This is Breaking the News from BBC Scotland
18:12with me, Des Clark.
18:14Now, this round is all about who's in the news,
18:15so I will play you a clip of a mystery person.
18:17All you have to do is tell me who it is.
18:20So, Ahir and Susie, you are up first this time.
18:23Who is this?
18:25The super-rich in our country are very rich.
18:27If we taxed assets over £10 million,
18:29we would generate £24 billion a year.
18:31The magic money tree exists, it's in the city of London,
18:34and it's with the billionaires.
18:37Possibly one of the most annoying and irritating voices you can hear
18:41is the bold Zara Sultana.
18:44She is your neighbour's daughter who is so right on
18:49that you're like,
18:50do you know what, I'm just going to put you in the recycling.
18:53LAUGHTER
18:53Well done, Susie, that is the right answer.
18:57Yes, it's been quite the week for Your Party.
18:59Co-founder Zara Sultana boycotted the first day
19:02of their founding conference
19:03after she made claims some members created a toxic environment
19:07and a witch hunt.
19:08The party have also confirmed they will indeed be called Your Party
19:12after using the name as a placeholder for months.
19:15This comes as Your Party also confirmed
19:17they would not be led by one single leader
19:19but by a collective leadership.
19:21Ahir, are you excited about this new political party?
19:25I know that in advance of the conference,
19:27they were like, listen,
19:29the stereotype that everyone has about the far left
19:32is that there's going to be lots of infighting
19:34and that there's going to be lots of factionalism.
19:36And the thing is, is that, like,
19:38you can't live up to too many stereotypes, generally.
19:42I've found this, like, for instance, like,
19:43I love cricket and spicy food
19:46but if I were also a GP, it'd be a bit much.
19:50LAUGHTER
19:50You start to wonder if they're called Your Party
19:55because they were filling in the form to register as a party
19:58and it said, enter your party here.
20:01LAUGHTER
20:02Chris, what about you?
20:08If you were making your own political party,
20:10what would it be called and why?
20:11I like the cleanness of your party
20:13so I think I'd probably go with, like, my party.
20:16It's my party and we're operating off one policy
20:19and that's the I can cry if I want to.
20:21LAUGHTER
20:22APPLAUSE
20:23Well done, good answer.
20:27Vote winner as well.
20:28Elaine, what about you?
20:29We're talking about your party as a name
20:31but let's see you formed your own political party.
20:33What would it be called and why?
20:36Wilworth's.
20:37LAUGHTER
20:38Everybody misses it.
20:43It's something for everyone.
20:46Would you say that in terms of the policy platform
20:48there's a particular ideology
20:50or is it more of a pick and mix?
20:51LAUGHTER
20:52Yes, Zara Sultana feuding with Jeremy Corbyn
20:59boycotted day one of the party conference
21:02complaining of a witch hunt
21:04as in nobody knows which hunt's in charge.
21:06LAUGHTER
21:07LAUGHTER
21:08OK, now to you, Elaine and Chris.
21:14It's your turn.
21:15Who is this and why are they in the news?
21:17I enjoyed doing the stage production.
21:21I would never rule out the idea of doing a panto for real.
21:26Is it Kiefer Sutherland?
21:28It is indeed Kiefer Sutherland
21:29starring in a new film due out this week
21:32all about panto.
21:34The film Tinseltown sees Sutherland play Bradley Mack,
21:38a failed Hollywood action star
21:40who takes on a role in a small English village's
21:42eccentric production of Cinderella.
21:44There were concerns that Americans wouldn't understand
21:48these traditions of panto,
21:49especially the first time somebody shouted
21:51she's behind you
21:52and Kiefer instinctively dropped to the ground
21:54and put six rounds into Widow Twanky.
21:58LAUGHTER
21:58What do you think then, Elaine?
22:02Should Hollywood just stay away from panto?
22:04No, I think there should be more crossover
22:07between Hollywood and panto
22:10and it should work both ways.
22:12I'd want to see a counter-terrorist federal agent
22:15played by Christopher Biggins.
22:17LAUGHTER
22:18What do you think then about this, I hear?
22:21Should Hollywood just stay away from panto?
22:24I only know Kiefer Sutherland from 24,
22:27so when I found out that he was doing pantomime,
22:31I assumed it just meant that he would be
22:32torturing Aladdin.
22:34LAUGHTER
22:35Susie, where do you stand in this?
22:38Should Hollywood just stay away from panto?
22:40Yes. Yes. That's it.
22:42We've got enough problems of our own in this country
22:44without America coming over and taking over,
22:47and I quote,
22:48I think I understand what panto is now,
22:52but I'm willing to learn more.
22:54Do you know what it's not, Kiefer?
22:55It's not Shakespeare.
22:57LAUGHTER
22:57It's not Macbeth.
22:59It's literally guys dressed up as women.
23:03I mean, I'm sure there'll be protests, right, but...
23:05LAUGHTER
23:06You can't come to the Girl Guides,
23:10but more than we'll go and see two grown men with boobs, right?
23:15LAUGHTER
23:15Chris, what American tradition should we adopt?
23:18Well, when we were away on holiday,
23:20my wife's favourite restaurant that we visited,
23:23no word of a lie,
23:24was this wonderful delicatessen called Hooters.
23:27LAUGHTER
23:28But, yeah, so the entire concept is just
23:33really friendly women with large chests
23:36serving fried food.
23:37We don't have that in Scotland.
23:39I'm taking the concept.
23:40I'm bringing it here.
23:42I say this to you as a gay woman, Chris,
23:43please do not bring that idea over here.
23:46LAUGHTER
23:46Because Scottish women
23:49would not suit their T-shirts.
23:51LAUGHTER
23:52It'd be like the worst Greggs in the world, wouldn't it?
24:03It's a wee heat in it.
24:05LAUGHTER
24:05Actor Kiefer Sutherland
24:13has revealed his obsession with Greggs sausage rolls
24:16whilst filming this movie in Yorkshire,
24:18even arranging for the bakery
24:20to deliver to him whilst on set.
24:23In other news, the actor Kiefer Sutherland
24:24has died of a massive heart attack.
24:27LAUGHTER
24:27Well done, Kiefer Sutherland is the right answer
24:31and two points go to Elaine and Chris.
24:34APPLAUSE
24:35It's time now for our final quick-fire round,
24:43which is all about deciphering the numbers in the news.
24:45I will read out a headline.
24:46All the teams have to do is fill in the blanks.
24:48So get ready, teams.
24:49When we run out of time, you'll hear this.
24:51You and I need to take this off air.
24:53That's our very own Phil Goodlad there
24:55asking anybody for a square go.
24:58LAUGHTER
24:58That's what we like to hear.
25:00Right, fingers on buzzers, let's do this.
25:02One in four GPs are doing what?
25:05I hear.
25:06Saying patience.
25:08LAUGHTER
25:09LAUGHTER
25:09One of the most ridiculous answers
25:12we've ever had on this show.
25:14How dare you?
25:14One in four GPs are doing what?
25:17Chris saying,
25:18and cough during foreplay.
25:22LAUGHTER
25:23I'd love that to be the answer.
25:28One in four GPs are doing what?
25:32Susie.
25:33Karaoke during the day on a Wednesday.
25:37LAUGHTER
25:37Anymore for anymore.
25:38One in four GPs are doing what?
25:40Elaine.
25:41OK.
25:41LAUGHTER
25:41One in four GPs are doing what?
25:50I hear.
25:51Are they, like, using AI to look up symptoms or something?
25:54What a ridiculous answer.
25:56That is indeed the correct answer.
25:58Well done to I hear.
25:59APPLAUSE
26:00Is that what GPT stands for?
26:06LAUGHTER
26:06Points all round in this one.
26:10You and I need to take this off air.
26:12Oh, there's our klaxon.
26:13That means Phil has good ladded.
26:15It's all over.
26:16And at the end of the quiz,
26:17our winners this week are...
26:19Ahir Shah and Susie McCabe!
26:21CHEERING
26:22CHEERING
26:23And commiserations to Elaine Malcolmson
26:30and Chris Thorburn!
26:31CHEERING
26:32And we'll leave you with the breaking news.
26:40Breaking news just in.
26:42Planning officials in the borders
26:43are recommending proposals
26:45for Scotland's first centre-parts be approved.
26:48The holiday village set to feature
26:49newly created locks and woodland
26:51could cost up to £450 million
26:54or a wee bit less
26:55if you go outside the school holidays.
26:57LAUGHTER
26:58A Birmingham hotel
27:04is building a 25-foot Christmas tree
27:06out of 100,000 balloons.
27:09Its creator, balloon artist Naomi Spencer,
27:11will give a speech at the grand unveiling
27:14once she gets her breath back.
27:16LAUGHTER
27:16And the first of four new Kalmak ferries
27:20being built in Turkey
27:21has been delayed again.
27:23Other countries are now being considered
27:25to build the ferries instead,
27:26though investors were concerned
27:28about one bid
27:28from a Spanish company
27:30called El Shipyard de Ferguson.
27:33The news is broken.
27:34I've been Des Clark.
27:35Goodbye!
27:36APPLAUSE
27:37Hello, I'm Martin Garth.
27:41And I'm Warren LeCouple.
27:42Join us for Radio Scotland Breakfast.
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27:45from across Scotland and beyond.
27:47And the answers you need
27:48from the people who matter.
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27:54The Closed Captioning of the first day.
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28:01We'll see you in the next half.
28:04And we'll see you next time.
28:04And we'll see you next time.
28:05We'll see you next time.
28:07Bye.
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