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Breaking the News (2018) - Season 4 Episode 8
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00:00I am Des Clark and this is Breaking the News, the show that breaks the week's news and asks
00:15four opinionated panellists to put it back together again. And with me are four fantastic
00:21comedians. On my right, we have Raymond Mairns and Rhea Lina, and facing them are Athena
00:26Cooke-Blenu and Jim Smith. In the news this week, Weatherspoons is to open its first pub
00:32outside the British Isles at Alicante Airport in Spain. In keeping with Weatherspoons policy,
00:38the toilets will be in Portugal. Sir Keir Starmer has apologised to a head teacher after leading
00:49primary school children in a version of the viral 6-7 dance meme. He then explained to
00:56the head teacher that it wasn't him who started it and blamed 14 years of conservative rule.
01:01A road in Northern Ireland called Prince Andrew Way is said to be renamed after a council vote
01:10to change it. Meanwhile in Scotland, a sign for Prince Andrew Close will remain in place,
01:15but just as a warning. Right, you've met the teams, let's crack on with round one!
01:30This is the broken news round where our teams have to guess two major stories of the week that have
01:38been mashed together into one single news headline. So, Raymond and Rhea, can you tell me what this
01:44is all about? The Chancellor Rachel Reeves has announced a raft of private weight loss jabs in
01:52specific areas in Scotland. The Chancellor condemned the largest conservative MPs who were accessing them
01:58via the NHS. What do we think then? First story, any ideas? Rhea? Is one of the stories the budget
02:04from this week? Yes, Wednesday was of course Budget Day. Chancellor Rachel Reeves delivered her budget
02:10after the details were released early by mistake. The Chancellor is traditionally allowed to drink
02:16alcohol whilst making the annual budget speech, although there was a bit of confusion when Rachel
02:21Reeves ordered a white Russian and Nigel Farage turned up. Thank goodness I'm a comedian. I have no
02:28money, so it really doesn't affect me in any way, shape or form. I'm not going to be paid more at any
02:32point. I mean, I love that she billed it as the fairness budget then immediately induced, is it 3p
02:38per mile if you drive an electric car? A new tax? It's like, so basically we're being punished for
02:44trying to save the planet early. Okay, great. They froze tax thresholds but then said, no, we haven't
02:50broken our manifesto promise. And I was like, okay, so that's basically like saying, I didn't put up the
02:55price of chips, but I have made the bag smaller and introduced a fork charge. Well, the budget is out
03:00there. It's in the world. Raymond, it was long anticipated. What are your thoughts on the budget?
03:06Well, 3p, so in electric vehicles, so that mobility scooter's going on a dump tree.
03:13Well, I just can't afford to run it anymore. I'll need to buy a pair of Skechers.
03:22Athena, I'll bring you in here. This budget was long anticipated. We've been talking about it for
03:26quite a while. What were your thoughts on Rachel Reeves' budget? It's a bit like Ria said, we're not
03:31putting up income tax, but we're going to make it so you pay more tax in the future. And I thought that
03:35was a nice turn of phrase. It's a bit like me saying, I'm not going to drop the guillotine
03:39on your head. What I'm going to do is raise you up into the blades.
03:45Ria, we're talking about what this budget means for us as individuals, but what does it mean
03:49for Scotland? Have you had a look at that?
03:51Yeah, I think it's really interesting. So they obviously raised the two-child cap limit
03:57for everybody. You already had $155 million that you'd put aside to make sure that anyone
04:03with more than... How many kids do you have, Jim? Just the two. Oh, just the two. Okay.
04:07So I think what's wonderful about this, Jim, is you can now have more kids. So just start
04:11popping them out. Have more kids. And then in about five years, you get to take them all
04:16to Karkadi on a really nice holiday. And I think that's the real win of this budget.
04:21That's a phrase I thought I'd never hear.
04:25Raymond, what are you thinking then? This budget, we're talking about individuals,
04:29but what does it mean for Scotland?
04:30Well, yeah, they're probably going to open Jack. He owes back up in Karkadi, man.
04:34Jim, what about you? We're talking about the budget for the nation, but what are you budgeting
04:42for at the moment?
04:44Well, my fancy ram that I bought, that's the male sheep, by the way, if you all watch Barber's
04:50is mad.
04:51After 10 days with the yowes going at it, he's dead.
04:55I spent £800 on him.
05:00I was raging and I burst into the kitchen and I said to Mora, my partner and two daughters,
05:07Alice and Emma, I says, that bloody topstone deed. She says, Daddy, Daddy, you can't say
05:11stuff like that anymore. What you should have said is that the daddy sheep has made the journey
05:15to the Rainbow Bridge. Isn't that beautiful? And it's really nice. And we weren't lying
05:22because the Rainbow Bridge is the name of a very good kebab shop in Dundee.
05:25And amongst all of that, well done, the right answer was correct. Of course, we're talking
05:35about Chancellor Rachel Reeves and the budget. By tradition, the Chancellor is allowed to
05:40drink alcohol whilst making the annual budget speech to Parliament. However, the tradition
05:44has fallen away in the last 25 years after Ken Clarke ended his budget statement by shouting,
05:49I bet you £10 I can jump here that bench. Over to you now, Athena and Jim. What was
05:56the other story we were after? This has to be the use of weight loss jabs in Scotland. I think
06:01300,000 people are buying them privately. This is the news that nearly 5% of the population
06:07of Scotland, approximately 300,000 people are accessing weight loss drugs privately. It's estimated
06:13that around 2 million people across the UK are receiving drugs such as Wegove and Manjaro outside
06:19the NHS. Jim, what do you think about this then? Are you surprised to hear this, how many people
06:24are accessing weight loss jabs in Scotland? I could do this job. I'm being a farmer, I'm looking
06:30into diversification. And we've got all the gear. I mean, because I can jag 500 yowls in two hours,
06:38so we could just get everyone in, weigh the person and work out the dosage and then boom, boom,
06:45jag them all. None of this changing the needle stuff, but just get them all. Although trying
06:51to jag 500 yowls in two hours, I think that's what killed your ram, is it all? Well, I am.
06:55Ria, what do you think about this? It's an amazing start. Are you surprised to hear how many people
07:02in Scotland are accessing weight loss jabs? I'm surprised by a lot of it. I'm surprised by how
07:07much people are paying for 180 quid per pen. I mean, I just flew into Paisley last night and I just
07:13got some weight loss jabs for like 50 quid, although they called it heroin. Many people say this has
07:21transformed their life. But what about you, Athena? What has transformed your life?
07:26I would say I'm one of those tedious people that run. I started running over 20 years ago,
07:31and now the far right are coming back. I'm thrilled because I can outrun them.
07:39I've got 20 years of training. They'll never catch me. So that was a good decision.
07:43Jim, what has transformed your life?
07:45The internet when we finally got it into the village there. It was long needed. The pigeon
07:53had been deed for about two years. So I met Morag through the internet. But then because
08:01we're all chuchters, I had to cross her name and meet my ancestor.com just to make sure there
08:08is no. Ria, what has transformed your life? Divorce! Divorce! Divorce! You know what,
08:19my divorce actually was a lot like the budget. It was supposedly fair, but ordinary people like
08:24me are paying a lot for it. And it couldn't have happened without us breaking every single
08:28promise we ever made. There you go. But Raymond, what has transformed your life? Uber Eats.
08:34You have never lived, never lived, until you've had a sausage supper through the letter
08:43boat. It's nothing like it.
08:47And there we go. Well done for getting the right answer. And amongst all of that, we're
08:51talking about the number of Scottish people accessing weight loss jabs. Researchers have
08:55previously discovered that people who stop using weight loss jabs put the weight back on
09:00in a study entitled, duh. Well done, Athena and Jim. You get two points for that. It was the
09:11mashup of Rachel Reeve's budget and the rise of weight loss jabs here in Scotland. And well
09:16done. At the end of that round, it is two points apiece.
09:19Now, much of our news is about public opinion. So to find out what stories people are talking
09:31about, we spoke to two friends of the show. The Hebridean baker, Cunyak MacLeod, and STV
09:36entertainment reporter, Laura Boyd. So Athena and Jim, what is Cunyak on about here?
09:42This research really does surprise me. Maybe we're all quite late bloomers after all, because
09:48I thought life began at 40, but maybe it actually begins at 66.
09:55Eh, is it about, eh, something that, a new study about there's four stages of brain development
10:03or something like that?
10:04Jim, that is the right answer. Yes, scientists have revealed this week that contrary to what
10:08was previously thought, adolescence lasts up until your thirties. In a conference speech,
10:13researchers from Cambridge University identified key brain development ages at 1, 9, 32, 66 and
10:2183. At which point somebody at the back shouted, house!
10:26Did you feel like an adult at 32?
10:29No, not at all. Eh, I was still living with my mum and dad at 32, so, eh, I remember I got
10:36lost at the Highland show. And, eh, you know, they had to do their tant, Tom and I, you know.
10:44Hello, there's a young farmer here. Could Mrs. Smith, please? Could Mrs. Smith please come
10:50to the security? We've got a man-child here, crying his eyes out.
10:57So you certainly hadn't been outgrown it at that point. Athena, what's your take on this
11:00one? Adolescence lasting until the age of 32. Did you feel like an adult then at 32?
11:05I thought I was an adult at the time. And in hearing, reading this news, I'm like, of
11:09course I wasn't an adult. And I'll tell you something, when you are an adolescent, you
11:13think you're an adult and you think you're sensible. So you do silly things, but in an
11:16adult way. So I remember on my 30th birthday, I went out with some friends and got, like,
11:21incredibly drunk, obviously. But I thought, I'm an adult. I can get myself home. And then
11:25I was like, I'm going to be sick, by the way. And then I was, and then I was sick. But
11:29I had been drinking red wine. So it was all red wine. But then I was like, I'm the adult
11:34here. I can fix this. And I had a sanitary towel in my bag. And so I cleaned up the red
11:39wine with my sanitary towel. And then I thought, God, this looks like a white feminist protest.
11:44Um, but then I was so proud of myself cleaning up the red wines sick with my sanitary towel.
11:49So, no, I wasn't an adult at 30. I was a goddamn mess.
11:56Oh, Raymond, what a study this is. Did you feel like an adult at 32?
12:00No. I was, see, before the age of nine, I was like, I didn't know what was going on.
12:05Right? And then I suddenly, the age of nine, I was a genius at school. I was amazing at
12:11everything. And then all through secondary school, up to the age of 32, I never bought my
12:17first house until I was 32.
12:18So the numbers work for you, then?
12:20These numbers are bang on, by the way. I mean, I get slapped in the heat a lot at the age
12:25of nine. And when the slapping stopped, there was massive efficiency kicked in.
12:33I'm so conflicted by this study. As a scientist, as a parent, I mean, first of all, childhood
12:37ends at nine. Like, part of me feels robbed of my own childhood. The other part of me is
12:41going, why haven't my kids been working all this time?
12:42I was working at nine on the farm and things like that. I was dedicated to my
12:49farming. I mean, I got my, my thoughtless certificate before I could get my cycle
12:53proficiency test, you know?
12:55Raymond, what do you make of this one? Looking back, if you could do this, what advice would
13:01you give your younger self?
13:04You're going to meet a beautiful woman in Bangkok in 2008. She's not a woman.
13:09The research divides life into five stages. Childhood, adolescence, adulthood, early ageing
13:24and late ageing, or as we call them in Scotland, Wayne, Wee Man, Big Man, Algin and Deed.
13:31Now to you, Raymond and Ria, it's your turn. What do you think Laura is talking about here?
13:40You should surely be allowed to have a pint, or a blue wicket in my case, don't judge me,
13:45I'm from Bishop Briggs, on your own, in peace. They can't bar people. This pub needs to get
13:52over it.
13:52This is this fancy cocktail bar, and you're not allowed to go in on your tod after nine
14:01o'clock.
14:01Yes, that is correct. Hospitality workers have been questioning why a bar owner in Greater
14:06Manchester has banned solo drinkers from his establishment after 9pm. The alibi in Altrincham,
14:14which established this rule, is also a karaoke bar. Not long after the news broke, one patron
14:19was heard singing, all the single ladies, please immediately leave the venue. Raymond,
14:26what a story. What are your thoughts on this policy then?
14:28I mean, I don't know. I mean, see, I like to go to the boozer myself, right? I mean, I
14:35like to, well, I'll go and I'll order a meal. I'll go to the Indian or the Chinese or whatever,
14:41and the guy will go, no bother, 15, 20 minutes, and I'll go in the German cruiser. I'll go in
14:47the boozer myself. And then after 40 minutes, I'll go, do you want to put it under the heat
14:54lamps?
14:54And then I'll be back in the hoose stagger round at half twelve and go, did I have a curry?
15:08Ria, what are your thoughts on this policy?
15:11The guy said that he did it because he didn't want his, he didn't want them to threaten his
15:15customers. I have a real news for you. If you think lonely people are the biggest threat to your
15:20customers, you're going to blow your mind when you hear about stag do's. And I don't even want
15:27to begin to traumatize you with the concept of a hen do. But I mean, if you're really worried that
15:32much about harassment, maybe ban groups of men on their fifth Jager bomb and not that one woman
15:36who just wants a quiet G&T while she Googles, how do I move to Copenhagen?
15:39I once went to a cocktail bar in Edinburgh, this before I met Morag and I was at the fringe and I
15:47was killing it at the fringe and I thought it was dead hip and trendy, but obviously being the big
15:51chuchter, I was well out my depth. So I'm in this posh cocktail bar on George Street and I'm chatting
15:56up this merchant banker, this 31 year old lassie. I think I'm doing all right, you know, but you see,
16:02city girls, they've just got a different language from country boy chuchters. You can,
16:07because I didn't know that the term to plough was a sexual term in the city, you know,
16:16and she's like, Jim, do you like to plough? And I'm like, aye, I love ploughing. I could plough
16:22all night long. She's like, really? How do you keep that up? I says, well, if we're going
16:28at it long enough, I'll just get mum to come out with a sandwich.
16:37Well, from ploughing to this question, what do you like to do by yourself?
16:46There's one thing I want to do by myself and you don't, you miss this a lot when you have
16:49children. I've got a five-year-old and a seven-year-old and I just really want to eat a packet of crisps
16:54by myself. Oh God, they have, they have average hearing until you open a crisp packet and then
17:02they're just there. Where did you come from? They come from school. You shouldn't be here.
17:07Oh, I haven't enjoyed a packet of crisps by myself for seven years.
17:11Wow. And that of course was the right answer, talking about a bar and altering them,
17:15saying no to solo drinkers after 9pm. Yes, the bar manager in question managed to rumble
17:21one solo drinker recently who'd snuck in pretending to be three kids in a trench coat.
17:25Yes, the confusion surrounding a late night solo entry ban is the right answer. Two points
17:32go to Raymond and Ria.
17:41This is Breaking the News from BBC Scotland with me, Des Clark. Now this round is all about
17:45who's in the news. I will play you a clip of a mystery person. All you have to do is tell
17:50me who it is. So Raymond and Ria, you're first this time. Who is this?
17:54You can be anxious, sensitive, kind, and wear your hat on your sleeve. You can be a nerd,
18:01a crier, a hugger. You can be all of these things.
18:05Jacinda Ardern.
18:07That is Jacinda Ardern, who was in Glasgow for a screening of a documentary film about her time
18:12as Prime Minister of New Zealand. While speaking at the event, she likened her time as Prime
18:17Minister to that of Nicola Sturgeon. Ria, do you see the comparison?
18:21I do see the comparison. Overachieving women burns out while trying to keep a small country
18:26functioning, retires with a memoir and a documentary, and still gets fewer forgiveness points than
18:31a bloke who can't tell you how many children he has.
18:41Raymond, do you see the comparison?
18:43Aye. I'm very similar. They're progressive. They went on pride marches and all that sort of stuff.
18:50Except, if Jacinda Ardern had been Prime Minister of Scotland, she wouldn't have had the teeth.
18:59She's got lovely teeth.
19:02She's like the Jurgen Klopp, innit?
19:05I hope Jacinda does see a bit of the country. Go up the North Coast 500 and see her beautiful country,
19:13because it is similar to New Zealand. If only she knew someone with a camper van.
19:17So...
19:18Whilst here, Jacinda Ardern revealed that her memoir, A Different Kind of Power, was almost
19:27named Fortitude. This was a nod to her Scottish Clan Macrae heritage. Clan Macrae's motto is
19:33Fortitudeine. So what should your family motto be and why? Try and be Fortitudeine. What do you think,
19:40Ria? What should your family motto be and why?
19:43I think my family motto would probably be, we told you so, but you weren't listening.
19:49Raymond Merns, what about you? What should your family motto be and why?
19:52Steaming.
19:59Athena, on the subject of family mottos, what should your family motto be and why?
20:04These are mummy's crisps.
20:08Well done for that answer, by the way. Jacinda Ardern and her visit to Scotland. Jacinda Ardern
20:16said she planned to visit her grandmother's hometown of Bathgate during her trip to Scotland,
20:22making her the first person in history to voluntarily go to West Lothian.
20:29Right, over to you, Athena and Jim. It's your turn now. Who is this and why are they in the news?
20:34Walt Disney called me about the part. He took me around and showed me the storyboards. The Sherman
20:40brothers played me the score and I just went. It was my dream to do a Walt Disney movie.
20:44Yeah, that is definitely Dick Van Dyke and he's turning 100, I think.
20:49Yeah, what a legend. Well done in giving us the right answer, Athena. That was, of course,
20:53Dick Van Dyke. He has been promoting his new book, 100 Rules for Living to 100, as he prepares to reach
20:59the ripe old age of 100 in just a couple of weeks' time. When Dick Van Dyke sadly does finally pass away,
21:06he has asked to be cremated for one last trip through the chim-chiminy, chim-chiminy, chim-chim-chim...
21:12Sorry, Dick. He is a legend, Athena. What are you thinking then? Would you take life advice from Dick Van Dyke?
21:29Yeah, but his advice would be be a famous movie star and rich and get all the health care you need
21:34and marry someone half your age, which I'm 44 now. I don't want to marry a 22-year-old and go to his
21:40house and he's got a bunk bed, do you know what I mean? And he's in a Transformers duvet. No, so I don't
21:47know what advice he has personally for me, but good luck to him. He takes, say, five sugars in his tea
21:53every day, but that woman tell him it was just meant to be a spoon fee.
21:56That is true. By the way, that's legitimate what Jim just said there in terms of his diet.
22:06He does take that. Dick Van Dyke has credited his longevity to his daily habits. He doesn't
22:11drink or smoke. He dances as exercise and has five cubes of sugar in his morning coffee,
22:18which is almost exactly the same lifestyle as a dressage horse.
22:21Well, there you go. Dick Van Dyke, almost 100, Ria, and still going strong. Would you
22:29take life advice from Dick Van Dyke?
22:31Okay, let's put it this way. He's 100 years old. He survived Hollywood. He survived a car
22:37crash. He got rescued from, like, a hurricane or something. He still goes to the gym three
22:42times a week. He has five sugars in his coffee. He eats ice cream every night, and he's outlived
22:46everybody who's told us don't eat sugar. So at this point, he's like a controlled clinical
22:50trial. I would totally want to get on that trial if it's going to last me to 100.
22:57He must be doing something, right? He says he works out three times a week. I'm hitting
23:0258. I've worked out three times in my life. In fact, I'm planning the third one. So he's
23:11obviously doing something, right? But he said you shouldn't get into bitterness. I think
23:18that's the thing. Stress and bitterness. And if you're living your life, I'm not sure,
23:23but I've had family members who seem to live a long time, and what kept them alive was bile.
23:30I don't know. Confusing message here.
23:34What about you, Jim? We've got this new book from Dick Van Dyke, All the Advice for Living
23:38to 100. But what could you write a book on?
23:41Eh, I don't know. 100 Great Neeps.
23:49In my head, I'm thinking, has he got a punchline here? Surely you're going to say that'd be a
23:54turn up for the books?
23:59Dick Van Dyke's Cockney accent in Mary Poppins was voted one of the three worst movie star accents
24:06of all time. Alongside Tom Cruise's Irish accent in Far and Away, and Gerard Butler's Scottish
24:12accent in Real Life.
24:17Well done. Of course, Dick Van Dyke is the right answer. And two points go to Athena and Jim.
24:29It's time now for our final quickfire round, which is all about deciphering the numbers in the news.
24:34I will read out a headline. All the teams have to do is fill in the blanks. So get ready,
24:38teams. When we'd run out of time, you'll hear this.
24:41They're buzzing like a jar of bees.
24:43That is Martin Geisler there caught up in a sting operation.
24:47Let's go for this. One in three people admit to doing what at work?
24:52Freya.
24:53Oh, eating the entire bag of crisps because her kids aren't there.
24:56I love that. Let's keep this going. That's lovely. One in three people admit to doing what at work?
25:03Jim.
25:04Watching that Kenny McLean goal.
25:06Glorious! Glorious!
25:13Oh, just for that, you're getting a bonus point.
25:15We're all doing it.
25:17Yes, one in three people admit to doing what at work?
25:19Raymond.
25:20Rattle in the stationary cupboard.
25:27I'm having that stapler, man.
25:31No, that's a great answer. I know why you've gone there.
25:33It's not. It's no.
25:35I almost gave... I thought rattling might take us there, but not quite.
25:38One in three people admit to doing what at work?
25:41Athena.
25:41Oh, stealing teaspoons.
25:43It's not stealing, no.
25:44One in three people admit to doing what at work?
25:47Jim.
25:47Is it pumping someone on the photocopier?
25:58The actual answer is that one in three people admit to having an office romance,
26:03according to a new survey, but as crude as Jim's answer was,
26:07actually, I'm going to give you the point for that.
26:09Well done, Jim.
26:11They're buzzing like a jar of bees.
26:13Oh, there he is.
26:14That is our klaxon, Martinus Geisler, that means it's all over.
26:17And at the end of the quiz, our winners this week are Raymond Mairns and Ria Lina.
26:27It was so close.
26:29Commiserations to Athena Kublenu and Jim Smith.
26:33And we'll leave you with the breaking the news, breaking news, just in.
26:43A man is under investigation for benefit fraud after dressing up as his dead mother in order
26:49to claim her pension.
26:50Well, there goes that plan taken off the tiara, said Andrew Mountbatten, Windsor.
26:59Scottish MP Gordon McKee has gone viral for explaining the national debt using custard creams.
27:05His video has been viewed nearly two million times, inspiring him to film more biscuit-themed political videos.
27:11He'll explain pensions with digestives, by-elections with Gary Baldies, and explain Reform UK with a bunch of hobnobs.
27:23And Donald Trump has performed the annual Thanksgiving ceremony at the White House to pardon a turkey called Gobble.
27:29The strange-looking creature with the saggy neck is halfway through his second term as President of the United States.
27:35The news is broken. I've been Dennis Clark. Goodbye!
27:44Nina and Evie are just two sisters.
27:47One's getting married, and the other isn't happy about it.
27:50All episodes of Dinosaur are available now on iPlayer.
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