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00:00Ferocious fights, stingy castles, daring knights
00:02Horrors that defy description, cutthroat cults or bull egyptians
00:05Vicious vikings, cruel crimes, punishment from ancient times
00:07Roman rotten, rank and rootless, cavemen, savage, piers and tubeless
00:10Groovy Greeks, brainy sages, mean and misly middle ages
00:13Gory stories, we do that, and your host are talking rats
00:18The past is no longer a mystery, welcome to...
00:22Horrible Histories
00:26Horrible Histories presents...
00:29The Yiddish Pharaohs
00:31Welcome to ancient Egypt
00:34I am Pharaoh Rattases II, son of Verminhotep and Queen Nefesquiki
00:40I am your guide through the age of the Pharaohs
00:43The kings and queens who ruled for 3,000 years
00:48They built the pyramids, the Great Sphinx
00:51And secret tombs of Pharaohs like Tutankhamun
00:55That are so well hidden, they won't be found for thousands of years
01:00Ow!
01:01That one!
01:03There's some amazing stuff in this tomb
01:07Including an actual Pharaoh
01:09Mind you, he's not dressed as fancy as me
01:12You see, when Pharaohs die, they get a bit of a makeover
01:16Ooh!
01:17Hello!
01:18We have a very special royal surprise for someone today
01:25Yeah, we have got a makeover to die for
01:28Let's go and give them the good news
01:30Wow!
01:31Seti the first, recently deceased Egyptian Pharaoh
01:34We're going to be dressing you for Do It!
01:36The Egyptian Afterlife!
01:38Surprise!
01:39Yay!
01:40Bless!
01:41I think someone is a bit overwhelmed
01:43And also dead
01:45Let's get on and do this
01:47So, Seti, you simply can't go on the mystical afterlife journey to the field of reeds or whatever
02:04Looking like that
02:05Or smelling like this
02:07You smell like my nan, Seti
02:09What are we calling it? Hippopotamus?
02:11Let's get to work
02:13You might want to lie down for this bit
02:18Let's get organ cleansing
02:23So, what we thought we'd do is start out with some basic brain mushing with this big nasty hook
02:29Vicious
02:30Then we're going to pull all that mush out through your nose
02:33Does that sound ok to you sweetheart?
02:35His silence speaks volumes
02:37Then we're going to remove your lungs, your intestines, your stomach, your liver
02:42And put them in these tiny little jars so you can use them in the afterlife
02:46These little jars are just too cute
02:48But don't worry, we're not going to be leaving you feeling all empty
02:51We're going to be stuffing you to the brim with bits of grass, straw, mud, rags
02:56And my personal favourite, sawdust
02:58He is good to go!
03:03Yassking!
03:04Total babe
03:05But I think it's time that we sort out those threads
03:07Yeah, now clothes wise
03:09I was thinking we'd just cover you in bandages with magic spells written on
03:13Love that detail
03:14And to finish off, a trez-chic death mask
03:17What do you think Seti?
03:18Ice thinks it's great
03:20I thought he was alive again or something
03:22Do we think he's ready?
03:24So ready, he's daddy
03:26Let's give this pharaoh some sargophasass
03:30Come on, we practice that
03:32Alright
03:33Before we met Seti the first, his look was dead boring
03:41But look at him now, talk about a yummy mummy
03:46Work it, work it, strike a pose
03:49And no one can hold a pose like Seti
03:51You are not the only one that has died and gone to heaven
03:54Well that's it for today's special royal makeover
03:58Seti's ready for the afterlife
04:00And we're ready for the after-party
04:02Party
04:03Sorry
04:04Style it out
04:06I'm Cleopatra, one of the most famous ancient Egyptian pharaohs
04:11I ruled at the same time as Julius Caesar and Mark Antony
04:15What's up Mark Antony fans?
04:17Go away, this isn't about you
04:19It's about me
04:21One of the last ever pharaohs
04:23And it's about the more than 150 other pharaohs who came before me
04:28Including Tutankhamun, Ramesses II
04:32And way back at the very start, the first pharaoh called Nama
04:37Nama is said to have united the separate parts of Egypt into one kingdom
04:42He eventually died an old man, but it wasn't old age that killed him
04:47Well the pallet is finished pharaoh
04:51It is a carved record of the mighty deeds of your 62 year reign
04:56Oh lovely, gimme, gimme, gimme
04:58He's fine
05:04He's fine
05:05Oh, my back
05:06Come on
05:07Happy Pop
05:08Your majesty, perhaps the weight is beyond one who has lived so long
05:12Nonsense
05:13Nonsense
05:14A trifle
05:15After all, does not my name Nama mean the mighty catface?
05:21Hot
05:27Are you good?
05:28Yes
05:29Yes
05:30The pictures tell the story of how you united the kingdoms of the lower and upper Nile
05:35Did I?
05:36Yes, you did
05:37Oh, that's good of me
05:38Combining their two crowns
05:40Oh
05:41To make one pharaoh of all Egypt
05:43Oh
05:44Oh
05:45Oh
05:46Oh
05:47Oh
05:48Oh no, I've gone again
05:49He's okay
05:50Oh
05:51Oh
05:52It is a good crown
05:53But heavy in weight
05:55And in responsibility
05:59Dee
06:00You truly are the wisest of all
06:02Oh, a hippo
06:05Oh, I love hippos
06:06Uh
06:08Pharaoh, should you really be playing with hippos at your age?
06:12Don't catch me, Mr. Hippo
06:14Oh
06:15Oh, that's got to hurt
06:17Poor Pharaoh Nama
06:19So wise in all things except hippos
06:23Oh
06:24Nice, nice, Mr. Hippo
06:26Good boy
06:29As pharaohs were so powerful that if we wanted we could make our people build whole new cities
06:36Giant lighthouses or vast pyramids
06:39Watch this
06:40Oi
06:41You
06:42Build me a pyramid
06:43Build yourself a pyramid, stinking
06:45Charming
06:48So I guess it was all the pharaohs apart from me who did the amazing stuff
06:53Tutankhamun's dad, who was a pharaoh called Amenhotep IV, even changed the number of gods that people believed in
07:00I wonder what the big announcement's going to be
07:05I am hoping that pharaoh Amenhotep IV is going to announce a new religious holiday
07:11Oh, I love religious holidays
07:13People and priests of Egypt, your pharaoh Akhenaten wishes to speak with you
07:18Well, that's great, Queen Nefertiti, but the pharaoh's called Amenhotep
07:22That is what he wishes to speak to you about
07:26I've changed my name from Amenhotep
07:28Right
07:29Okay
07:30To Akhenaten
07:31Oh, that's a bit of a letdown, so
07:34I'm hoping for a holiday
07:36I know you were
07:37I know you were
07:38Your pharaoh has taken the name of the one true god, Aten
07:41I think you are mistaken, we have loads of gods
07:44Absolutely loads
07:45Not anymore
07:47From this day forth, my kingdom will reject all of the old gods, like Ammon
07:53Oh
07:54And worship just one god
07:56Aten
07:57God of the sun
07:58Uh-huh
07:59And worship of all the other gods is now banned
08:01Well, how do the other gods feel about that?
08:03Look, it's perfectly simple
08:05Simple
08:06We do not worship Ammon
08:09No, no, no
08:11We do not worship Ammon
08:16Ammon is an old god
08:17He's an old god
08:18We no longer like them
08:19We now worship the disc in the sky
08:22Pray to the disc in the sky
08:24His name is Aten and he is your new friend
08:28Sunshine
08:29You leading this country or am I?
08:31I'm sorry my pharaoh, go on
08:34There's too many gods these days
08:37We really need them
08:39Aten's often all the same
08:41Can't see and fill them
08:43Who needs loads when one's okay?
08:46Come on everyone, let's hear you say
08:49We do not worship Ammon
08:51No, no, no
08:53We do not worship Ammon
08:57Don't need no priest, he'll only talk to me
09:01Aten
09:02He's such a great god
09:03I write him poetry
09:05Aten
09:07He's reshined down upon our family
09:10Aten
09:11We do not worship Ammon
09:14No, no, no
09:16Not a word about Ammon
09:19Any reference to Ammon must go go
09:25Aten's all you need to know
09:28Sorry, erm, what does this mean for holidays?
09:34Hey guys, it's your boy Irenachty here to tell you all about my job, aka the best job in the world
09:41Hashtag
09:42I love Mondays
09:44So I work with the pharaoh
09:47That's right, I get up close and personal with literal living gods
09:53Look, one of them even signed my arm
09:55How cool is that?
09:56Autographic, baby!
09:58What's the best bit about a pharaoh?
10:00Their crown
10:01Their gold
10:02Their dangerously unlimited power
10:04Nooo
10:05It's their royal bums, of course
10:07And that's my job
10:08I am the royal bottom doctor who gives enemas to pharaohs
10:13And I write
10:14Hashtag Life Girls
10:17What even is an enema?
10:18You know how generally with butts it's all bad stuff like poo coming out?
10:23Well, enemas are when you put good stuff like medicine in!
10:27You put medicine up his butt
10:31My full title is Shepherd of the Butt
10:34That's roughly how it translates into English
10:37It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it
10:39Now, let's look at the instruments us ancient Egyptian butt doctors use
10:45A tube made of bone, perfect for inserting into the royal rump
10:49As is this one, made of reed
10:51And this one, made of metal
10:55Now, attached to one end of the tube is a bag made of silk
10:58Or if you're feeling really fancy, ox bladder
11:01Soz oxes, I love you, but I need your bladder for my bottom pipes
11:05And then I fill the bag with a special blend of herbs and spices
11:09Secret blend
11:11Which I will not reveal
11:13Mixed together with the finest ingredients
11:15Milk, beer, honey, and wine
11:18Mm-hmm, it's good enough to eat
11:21But don't eat it
11:22Put it in the Pharaoh's palm
11:25What are enemas even for?
11:27I hear you cry
11:28Well, what aren't they for?
11:29Feeling diseased?
11:30Get an enema
11:31Losing your hair?
11:32Get an enema
11:33Going grey?
11:34Get an enema
11:35Feeling like your spirit's all icky?
11:36Get an enema
11:37Getting bored of enemas?
11:38You better get an enema
11:40You know, some people call me a hero
11:42And I'm like, guys, I'm no hero
11:44I'm just a humble shepherd
11:46A shepherd of the butt
11:48Uh...
11:49Mr Shepherd
11:50My next appointment
11:51What are we thinking?
11:52I'll be honest, it's a metal tube kind of a day
11:55I'll clear my schedule
11:59Best job in the world
12:01Wow!
12:03There's a long list of bad jobs in history
12:06But Hurtsman of the Butt is at the bottom
12:08Literally!
12:09Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
12:11Obviously, being Pharaoh is one of the best jobs
12:14But it could be dangerous
12:16As sometimes, Pharaohs would have to lead their armies into battles
12:19Like the Battle of Kadesh
12:21Which was fought between the Egyptians of Ramesses II
12:24And the Hittites of King Hattushali III
12:27And it's one of the most famous battles of all time
12:30Neither side could win by fighting
12:32So they tried to make peace
12:34But that wasn't smooth sailing either
12:40Sorting out the beefs of the past
12:42I don't care if it is a breathtaking monument
12:44You cannot build a sphinx without planning permission
12:47With the justice of today
12:49And honestly, half lion, half man
12:51Just pick one and stick to it next time
12:55Welcome to Time Beefs with Judge Rinder
13:00Ramesses II, third pharaoh of the 19th dynasty of Egypt
13:04Is in court to face the king of the Hittites, Hattushali III
13:08Over who triumphed at the Battle of Kadesh
13:10Okay, we all get it
13:12You're the heads of warring kingdoms
13:14You both fought the same land
13:15You're about to fight a battle over it
13:17Am I right?
13:18You're way off, Rinder
13:20We actually just signed a peace treaty
13:22On these massive silver tablets
13:24Yeah, it's the earliest example of a written peace treaty, isn't it?
13:27We've even given each other presents
13:28And I'm also marrying his daughter
13:31What's happening, babes?
13:32I just don't buy it
13:34If you're so nicey-nicey to each other
13:36What on earth are you doing in my courtroom?
13:38Well, we've had a slight disagreement on my stunning victory at the Battle of Kadesh
13:43Where my armies completely destroyed that of his brothers
13:45What?
13:46My brother totally trashed your Egyptian forces
13:48As is
13:49Admit, you lost
13:50No, I didn't
13:51Admit it
13:52Admit it
13:53Admit it
13:54That's it
13:55I'm banning tablets from the courtroom
13:57Ramesses, just give me your version of events
13:59Right, there I was
14:00All alone
14:01The Hittites
14:02I slaughtered them all at will
14:04What?
14:05What the hell?
14:06He's making it up
14:07You'll get your turn
14:08And their arms went limp
14:10So they couldn't shoot
14:11I made them plunge into the water like crocodiles
14:13You had way more casualties than us
14:15Well, if I'm lying
14:17Then why is my version of events written all over the Egyptian temples in Loxo?
14:21Why is that then? Why is that?
14:22Because you put it there on the tablets
14:24You even sent me a copy, innit?
14:26Oh, I wish I never said that my daughter could marry him
14:29She'd be better off with a hippo
14:30Hey, what?
14:31This is Battle of Kadesh part 2, you know
14:33Come on then
14:34Okay
14:36Order
14:37Goodness me
14:38This is the two of you at peace
14:39I'd hate to see the two of you at war
14:41You've signed a peace treaty
14:42Now honour it, Hattushali
14:44Fine
14:45I promise to protect his nation, innit?
14:47Ramesses?
14:48Yeah, yeah, I guess I promise to protect his nation too
14:50Well, thank you
14:51Even though mine is better than I want to battle the Kadesh
14:53Woo
14:54Right there
14:55Order, order
14:56Bailiff, all of this nonsense has given me a headache
14:58Please could you go find me a tablet
15:00What are you going to?
15:01Take it out
15:02That sort of tablet
15:03Although, that would look rather good in my bath
15:05For a drum man
15:06I'll be like a drum
15:07I'll be like a drum
15:08I'll be like a drum man
15:09There you go
15:10Bonjour
15:11I am Napoleon Bonaparte
15:13And in 1798
15:14I took 40,000 magnificent French soldiers to capture Egypt
15:18There we saw ancient wonders like the pyramids, the sphinx and the tombs of the Thales
15:23It was a land awash with history and treasure
15:26So, what present did my wife receive when I got back from the trip?
15:31Was it A, a jeweled scarab beetle necklace?
15:34B, a gold statue of Roderxes II?
15:37Or C, a mummified head?
15:40Talk about a gift that money can't buy, am I right?
15:41Look how much fun this is
15:42I'm not going back in the sarcophagus
15:43You have to go back into the sarcophagus
15:44You can't make me, I'm going to kill my mummy
15:45Don't be silly, you are mummy
15:46Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
16:04Oh, I should've got her flowers, shouldn't I?
16:10of an uprising pharaoh apris has sent his special envoy petardomus to order the rebel leader amasis
16:17to surrender immediately amasis you go too far how dare you lead this revolution against the true
16:27egyptian pharaoh apris he will crush you and your army like the insects that you are
16:34unless i can convince you to lay down your weapons and surrender then perhaps he may be merciful
16:42i have but one message for your pharaoh
16:48what what take that back to your pharaoh sorry take what back to my pharaoh oh you want me to repeat
16:54myself no problem you dare to pass wind in front of the representative of the pharaoh
17:02yeah stop that no stop it stop stop stop stop please if i do not return with you the pharaoh
17:16the pharaoh will cut off my ears and cut off my nose for my failure i mean that's probably for
17:21the best given how bad this one smells
17:23that does it you have made a powerful enemy today who will rain vengeance down on you like oh no that
17:34one just reached me oh that is vile oh you're an animal you need to see someone come we must move
17:44quickly i need to change my pants
17:52so mark antony tell me about this girl you're here to meet yeah she's pretty fit she's actually
17:58ruler of egypt but nothing can happen between us she's julius caesar's ex and you know the saying
18:03rose before pharaohs but she's beautiful intelligent funny and oh man she got a sweet bride
18:10oh that is one massive barge oh no how do you stop this thing and it's quite difficult to park
18:24hey there mark antony sorry i had to turn up in this tatty old boat tatty your majesty had us up all
18:31night working on it to impress the roman it's okay i've got another one your majesty why don't you
18:40come aboard my little boat i'm okay are those oars silver
18:49might be this barge smells amazing i mean it'll make the whole dock smell good which is handy because
18:55at the moment it smells of yes well i'm so glad you like me bad not that i brought it here to impress
19:02you or anything but this deck is painted in gold oh shiny so why did the big important roman general
19:11want to see little old me well i was wondering if you'd be interested in some sort of alliance
19:18you want me to use me riches to make us a power couple so we can take over the entire world what
19:24well yeah something like that why don't you and me go for a sale in me golden barge and talk about
19:30this some more forward good times where are we going we it's okay i've got another one
19:42help a fish stole my flute
19:44nothing lasts forever not even pharaohs cleopatra was one of the last and she famously had children
19:54with roman emperor julius caesar and roman general mark anthony after she and her children died the title
20:01of pharaoh was then actually also held by the roman emperor you'd think that'd be a cushy little number
20:08but for maximinus darza the last ever roman emperor vero that wasn't quite the case
20:19it was covered in bread by the end of the day it was like bread it was like a man made of bread
20:25drink please you okay down there yeah yeah all good what brings you to tarsus i'd really rather not
20:33say right i was only being friendly just i really want to stay out of sight just in case people are
20:38looking for me because uh in truth i'm the emperor of rome maximinus darza
20:48what would the emperor of rome be doing here in tarsus if he's the emperor of rome keep your voice
20:53down i'm the pharaoh of egypt hello pharaoh well actually you can't be the pharaoh of egypt because i am
21:00also that as well oh of course he's the pharaoh as well just keep it down funny guy funny guy look
21:07it's very very simple okay i am both the emperor of rome and the pharaoh of egypt so i mean you don't
21:13dress very egyptian for a pharaoh that's because i'm in hiding anyway pharaoh hasn't actually come
21:20from egypt for about 600 years oh of course look if you must know the persians took the title after
21:28they conquered egypt then the greeks conquered the persians then after cleopatra he went to the
21:32romans right and that's how you got it because you're the emperor of rome stop calling me the
21:38emperor of rome even though i am you just don't want us to say that because you don't want everyone
21:43knowing you've been telling borky boys no it's because i was deposed by my fellow emperor licinius
21:48maximinus and now his people are hunting for me listen babes if you want to go around the place
21:53telling people you're a pharaoh slash emperor you carry on i don't judge so neither of you believe
21:59me we're great great oh no i'm sorry babe hail ceaser what did i say to you what did i say sorry
22:06hello season and we need to go sire ah mister um buddy don't touch me yeah we shouldn't stay too long
22:15in one place yeah yeah yeah we'll move on we'll move on go go go centurion as well so believe people
22:23when they say thanks yeah aren't you as the emperor oh yeah i mean i can spot a pharaoh a mile off
22:32because i'm the king of germania can i have a free drink no and that's the end of the pharaohs
22:40all we're really left with are the monuments they built and the treasures we found in their tombs
22:45things that were left with their mummified remains that the ancient egyptians believed would help
22:50get them into the afterlife here are three of the greatest to tell us all about it
23:01we all know we're heading to the valley of death we want eternal life after our last breath
23:13cause i've been a pharaoh got an email on my head but when we die we need help from the book of the
23:19dead it's a magic scroll of hymns to the sun god ray to help us through the afterlife there's many
23:24things we must say like i've never uttered lies never been an eavesdropper i have never raised my
23:29voice live my life so proper every text is different written for each soul but you know in the end we
23:36only got one goal these rules will remind us once we cease to be and help us live in peace for all
23:42eternity
24:01spells are written on two walls inside our mummy wrappings even in gold mass and other pharaoh
24:07trappings cause getting into paradise you know it ain't dc your heart is weighed against the feather
24:12hope it ain't breezy then we all bought a ferry cross the lily lake to the field of reeds the ferryman
24:18will take us then we'll meet our friends and our beloved pets in the field of reeds we'll have
24:24eternal rest yeah yeah death ain't nothing but a new form of living so glad we got the book of the dead
24:30and the advice is given i'm 18 now but will i ever see 20 though you better hurry with my book
24:36don't be slow
24:45we are guys we're living in a pharaoh's paradise
24:50been spending most our lives avoiding dangerous crocodiles
24:56preparing all our lives for living in a pharaoh's paradise
25:02oh mp for pharaoh ice fix it's great you smell like my nansetti what we call in this
25:15the past is no longer a mystery hope you enjoyed horrible histories
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