- 7 hours ago
Experience endless laughs in No Seriously, It’s a Joke! A fun-filled comedy that will keep you smiling from start to finish. Perfect for fans of lighthearted humor and everyday funny situations.
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00:00:00The End
00:00:30The End
00:01:00The End
00:01:30I say, I tell you, this infiltration has got to stop.
00:01:55Do you realize they're northern spires?
00:01:58They're boring from within.
00:02:00It's treachery.
00:02:01Northern treachery.
00:02:03Get the blast on that character.
00:02:05He's the guy we need to make speeches for leads.
00:02:07Come on.
00:02:08Northern spires from Washington.
00:02:11Since when do we have to import our apples from foreign places?
00:02:15Ah, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
00:02:17Born and bred in the South.
00:02:19But, Mr. Claghorn, I have to get my apples from someplace and they grow up north.
00:02:23Then something's got to be done about it.
00:02:25Well, speaking in general, our grandchildren...
00:02:27Don't ever mention that name in my presence.
00:02:29It doesn't mean nothing.
00:02:30But what can we do, Mr. Claghorn?
00:02:32Eliminate the north.
00:02:34Make the whole country south.
00:02:36That way we can call these apples southern spires.
00:02:38Hey, you.
00:02:39Claghorn's your name.
00:02:39Full regard Claghorn, that here.
00:02:41Howdy.
00:02:42Now, son, in my plan, you simply move the Mason-Dixon line up around the Great Lakes.
00:02:46Make Canada north.
00:02:47Mr. Claghorn...
00:02:48And after that, anyone who couldn't talk with a southern drawl would have to get a passport.
00:02:51But what about our maps, Mr. Claghorn?
00:02:53Maps?
00:02:54Did you ever look at the maps?
00:02:54Did you notice how all the rivers flow south?
00:02:57Well, that's only because of the shape of the earth.
00:02:59Nonsense, son.
00:03:00It's because I can't stand it up north.
00:03:01Claghorn, you're wasting our time.
00:03:03And speaking of maps, you know, we've got two states down here.
00:03:05South Carolina and North Carolina.
00:03:08North Carolina.
00:03:09No such place.
00:03:10Why don't they call it Upper South Carolina?
00:03:12Well, you're going to...
00:03:12Well, I can't for the life of me understand why we got a South Dakota up north.
00:03:17There I go.
00:03:18Said that awful word again.
00:03:20But what's the difference, Mr. Claghorn?
00:03:21We all got the same American blood in us, whether we come from the north or the south.
00:03:26That's liable, son.
00:03:27I wouldn't have any northern blood in me if I was dying and needed a transfusion.
00:03:32I don't know, Mr. Claghorn.
00:03:33My daughter married a northern man.
00:03:36A southern girl married to a northerner.
00:03:38All right, George.
00:03:40Their children will be half-breed.
00:03:42What?
00:03:42Claghorn, we haven't got all day.
00:03:44That's a joke, son.
00:03:45Half-breed.
00:03:46Southern girl married to a norther.
00:03:48Look, look, look.
00:03:48Quiet.
00:03:49Quiet?
00:03:50Well, I haven't even begun to talk.
00:03:52That's just a whisper for me.
00:03:53If you really want to hear me, all right.
00:03:55No, no.
00:03:55Save it, Claghorn.
00:03:56We'll pay you to make noises like that.
00:03:58Pay me?
00:03:58Yeah.
00:03:58Well, gentlemen, what have I got to do?
00:04:01Plain or fancy oratory?
00:04:03Radio talking?
00:04:04Barbershop arguing or hog calling?
00:04:06We want you to make speeches for Senator Alexander B. Leeds.
00:04:09Leeds?
00:04:10Why, that boondoggling, pussy-footing, carpet-bagging, fusilanimous.
00:04:15Fusilanimous, that ear.
00:04:16Provide, get up a minute.
00:04:17We'll pay you $25 in speech.
00:04:19I wouldn't care if you were going to pay me in Confederate money.
00:04:22Now this Leeds, McGowan.
00:04:23And when you mention that man Leeds to me, a man who's done more to sully the fair name
00:04:28of the South than the bold weevil, you've got a bull with a tail.
00:04:32And I'm flicking that tail in your faces.
00:04:33We'll give you a bit of...
00:04:34It's my tail.
00:04:35Er, talk, I mean to say.
00:04:37And I stand back of it.
00:04:38I defy you and the corruption you represent.
00:04:41Shut up.
00:04:42Shut up.
00:04:42I want to begin to talk.
00:04:44And there's no power on earth can silence me.
00:04:46Glory God.
00:04:50Glory God.
00:04:53Yes, my dear?
00:05:03Talk, talk, talk.
00:05:05That's all you do?
00:05:07Yes, dear.
00:05:08You know the daughters of Dixie are meeting at the house today and we still have to help
00:05:11Mary Lou get things ready?
00:05:13Yes, dear.
00:05:13Well, come on.
00:05:17Daisy!
00:05:17Don't you know that's a northern apple?
00:05:19You want to get this temple?
00:05:21Drop it.
00:05:21Come on.
00:05:23Yes, dear?
00:05:29Bye-bye.
00:05:30Come on, Abigail.
00:05:42Come on, Abigail.
00:05:46Yes?
00:06:00Were you expecting anybody else?
00:06:01No.
00:06:02I had a hunch I could make you fall for me, but not that hard.
00:06:04What are you doing here?
00:06:06She's dropped in to see if you were still beautiful.
00:06:08You better drop out and quit.
00:06:10You know how Mother feels about us.
00:06:11I know.
00:06:11She just got through telling me all about it.
00:06:13She told you?
00:06:14Yes.
00:06:15But she didn't know about it.
00:06:17You see, I hit some on the back of the Surrey.
00:06:18Only she didn't know about that either.
00:06:20Oh, the chances you take.
00:06:22Boy, that's nothing to the chances I take for you.
00:06:24Listen, honey.
00:06:25I went over at the Arctic Packing Company again today to see that salesman Clancy.
00:06:28Please, don't talk work.
00:06:30Here, here, would you put this up here for me?
00:06:32Well, I thought you'd be interested.
00:06:33After all, my getting that frozen food truck is one of the most important things in both of our lives.
00:06:37Well, we won't have any lives if Mother catches you here.
00:06:40Well, you wait until I get that frozen food business started.
00:06:42You watch how quick she'll change her tune.
00:06:44Wait, it's right.
00:06:45Well, that truck cost $2,700, you said, and you haven't even got enough for a down payment.
00:06:50Well, that's a detail that's a little bit rough.
00:06:51But once I get going...
00:06:53Well, you better get going right now.
00:06:58Can't you make this horse go any faster?
00:07:02Abigail, as you can know, has only three speeds.
00:07:05Slow, dead slow, and stop.
00:07:09Who were those two men you were yelling at back in town?
00:07:20Men?
00:07:21Those insects weren't men.
00:07:23Green booters, scattywags.
00:07:26They had the ingenious to try to bribe me.
00:07:28They offered me money.
00:07:30Money?
00:07:31For what?
00:07:32Making speeches.
00:07:33Making speeches?
00:07:34Well, that's practically stealing it for you, Beauregard.
00:07:38When do you start?
00:07:40I don't.
00:07:42You mean you turned the dial?
00:07:44I'd rather you say I gave it up.
00:07:48Claghorn doesn't sell his honesty and integrity and money.
00:07:52We've sold nearly everything else.
00:07:54Well, I say I refuse to aid that sniveling hypocrite, Senator Lee.
00:08:02Lee?
00:08:04I can't say I blame you for that.
00:08:07But that's just like you, Beauregard.
00:08:09You finally get a chance to make some money, and it has to be one you can't accept.
00:08:13I know.
00:08:15Did our allowance arrive yet?
00:08:18In the mail.
00:08:19I hope so.
00:08:21All we got to our names is the monthly allowance from that, that weed patch.
00:08:25Weed patch?
00:08:27You call the Claghorn Mint-Better weed patch?
00:08:30The land that supplied the entire South with the moon-suckling mint that was ever squeezed into a julep?
00:08:35Oh, Beauregard.
00:08:35Oh, Beauregard.
00:08:37Come on.
00:09:07Stop that fooling around and come on.
00:09:37All right.
00:09:38All right, Beauregard.
00:09:40Come on.
00:09:41Bring the groceries.
00:09:42Come on.
00:09:43Mother's home.
00:09:44Hey, I forgot something.
00:09:46Oh, God.
00:09:47Oh, God.
00:09:48Mary Lou.
00:09:49Yes, Mother?
00:09:50Is everything ready, Mary Lou?
00:09:53Oh, yes, Mother.
00:09:54Yes.
00:09:55What is that behind your back?
00:09:56Mary Lou?
00:09:57Yes, Mother?
00:09:58Is everything ready, Mary Lou?
00:10:03Oh, yes, Mother.
00:10:04Yes.
00:10:05What is that behind your back?
00:10:06Oh, yes, Mother.
00:10:07Yes.
00:10:08What is that behind your back?
00:10:09Nothing.
00:10:10Don't you have some lunch to get or something?
00:10:12What is that behind your back?
00:10:14Why, that's mine, Magnolia.
00:10:16Yours?
00:10:17Since when do you wear two hats?
00:10:19When it's cold.
00:10:20It's my spare hat.
00:10:21I'll wear it in my spare time.
00:10:23You've never worn a thing like that since I can remember.
00:10:26Yeah, I had it before I met you.
00:10:28I wore it when I was a boy.
00:10:29Oh, so you wore it when you were a boy.
00:10:32Well, my hat shrunk a little.
00:10:37Hmm.
00:10:38J.D.
00:10:39Uh, Jeff happened by.
00:10:40He, uh, he helped me move this furniture.
00:10:42So that's the way it is.
00:10:44Conspiring against me.
00:10:46If that Jeff Davis comes in this house once more,
00:10:49I'm going to pack up and go home to Mother.
00:10:51You will?
00:10:52Oh, so you want to get rid of me.
00:10:54Oh, no, dear.
00:10:55I only said, uh, I said...
00:10:57I heard what you said already.
00:10:58I must have said something.
00:10:59Of all the contemptible things to say
00:11:02after I've been such a good wife.
00:11:04Oh, now, Mom, pardon me anything, Mom.
00:11:05Now, you just stay out of this.
00:11:06You just stay out of this.
00:11:07I can't.
00:11:08Not when I see you two this way, arguing all the time.
00:11:11Well, then why don't you both do what I want once in a while?
00:11:14Once in a while?
00:11:16Oh, but, Ma, we always give in to you.
00:11:18Then why doesn't your father do something useful?
00:11:21Oh, Mama, I'm sure that if you'd only show Papa a little more sympathy,
00:11:25that it'd give him new incentive.
00:11:27Oh, ridiculous.
00:11:28If I didn't drive your father to do things, he wouldn't do anything.
00:11:31Oh, sure, it's easy to put all the blame on me, but look at us.
00:11:35Mama, if you'd only try speaking nicely to Dad, I'm sure that...
00:11:41Oh, very well.
00:11:42I'll try it.
00:11:43Oh, Beauregard.
00:11:44Beauregard?
00:11:45Beauregard?
00:11:46Beauregard!
00:11:47Oh, Beauregard!
00:11:48Oh, Beauregard!
00:11:49Oh, Beauregard!
00:11:50Oh, Beauregard!
00:11:51Oh!
00:11:52That man!
00:11:53That man!
00:11:54That man!
00:11:55That man!
00:11:56That man!
00:11:59Calling me, my dear?
00:12:13Calling you?
00:12:15I shouted until I was blue in the face.
00:12:16My dear, you look very well in blue.
00:12:17Oh, stop wasting time and help, Mary Lou.
00:12:18Dear me, the daughters can't be here already.
00:12:19I'll go.
00:12:20I'll see who it is.
00:12:21I'll go.
00:12:22Come on in.
00:12:23Morning, Mr. Peters.
00:12:25Morning, Mr. Clegghorn.
00:12:49Got a special delivery letter for you.
00:12:50Special delivery, huh?
00:12:52special delivery letter. Your Aunt Agathy? No. Maybe that nephew of you is in the army?
00:12:58Uh-uh. How about that Uncle Charlie of yours? We no longer correspond, Shaw. Not since he
00:13:04married a girl named Lincoln. Why, that girl's from Atlanta. A girl named Lincoln has no
00:13:10right to be from Atlanta. Well, there's only one way to find out whom this letter's from.
00:13:16A check. Well, if this don't beat all get out, they certainly have got their nerve. Probably
00:13:30didn't even talk to you about it in the first place. Mr. Claghorn, I wouldn't stand for it
00:13:37if I were you. You wouldn't? No, sir. You've got to stand on your rights. Mr. Peterson,
00:13:43you're right. A man has got to stand on his rights. That's his spirit. Well, so long,
00:13:49Mr. Claghorn. So long, Mr. Peterson. Uh, well, guess I'm getting a little absent-minded. Yeah,
00:13:58absent-minded, that is. Anyhow, Mr. Claghorn, I want you to know that you get the most interesting
00:14:04mail on my whole route. Well, that's mighty nice of you to say so, sir. Morning, Mr. eh, eh, eh.
00:14:11Claghorn's the name. Claghorn, sir. Morning, Mr. Peterson. Morning.
00:14:21Roundy-down. Magnolia! Mary Lou! Look here! Well, rich! Rich, look! $1,500!
00:14:30Miss Dean, huh? Where in the world did you ask me? Well, the lawyers made a deal for the mint fans
00:14:34with the Kentucky Distillery. Whiskey, you understand? They're going to put up bottled mint
00:14:38julips with Claghorn's mint. Why, that's wonderful, Daddy.
00:14:42Beauregard, I could almost kiss you for that. Well, thank you, my dear. It's nice of you to almost
00:14:47want to kiss me. Well, why don't you kiss him, Mama? Hmm?
00:14:52Magnolia, my blossom. Prepare to defend yourself. Stop it, now. Stop it!
00:14:57Magnolia! Let me up here, my Beauregard!
00:14:59Just one kiss! Stop it, this very... One little kiss!
00:15:02What on earth has come over you? Stop it! Stop it! Let me... Stop it! This is Beauregard!
00:15:07Just one little kiss! What on earth has come over you?
00:15:11When you blush that way, you're as pretty as the day I married you.
00:15:14Oh, stop it! Oh, my Beauregard! Stop it!
00:15:18Oh, Magnolia! There's nobody here to see us!
00:15:20Oh, my goodness, Beauregard! Watch out for my sacroiliac!
00:15:24All right, all right. Stop it, Beauregard! Let me... Stop it! Just one kiss! One little kiss!
00:15:30You're wrinkling my animal cast! Oh, my dear!
00:15:34I hadn't even noticed it.
00:15:36Ahem! Ahem! Magnolia, have you a cold?
00:15:40I didn't cold. You didn't? Well, I thought... You didn't!
00:15:44Oh! Oh! Oh, hello! Oh, yeah. I was showing Magnolia a new wrestling hole.
00:15:53Very interesting, I'm sure. Oh, well, ladies, after all, Mr. Crackhorn and I are married.
00:15:58Ah, legally, that is.
00:16:00Mr. Crackhorn, dear, perhaps you'd better leave us alone.
00:16:03Yes, my dear. Ah, excuse me.
00:16:06Ah, the... The things for the punch are on the kitchen table.
00:16:09Yeah, the punch are on my... The kitchen has on... Excuse me, on the table.
00:16:13Yes, just... Just come right on in, please. We'll serve refreshments immediately.
00:16:17Wilson, ma'am. $1,500 in my pocket, and what am I? A soda jerk. Jerk, that is.
00:16:29Come in. Oh, come in, William. Now, what can I do for you?
00:16:35I'm collecting for the evening paper. Oh, yeah. How much is it?
00:16:40$1.15. Yeah. Oh, you don't happen to have change for $1,500, do you?
00:16:46$1,500? Gee, if Jeff had that, he could go right into business.
00:16:53Yeah, how do you happen to know so much about Jeff?
00:16:56Oh, he's my pal. He tells me everything. All he's waiting for is the money.
00:17:02Yeah? What business is he going into?
00:17:05I heard him tell my puppet he wanted to buy a truck.
00:17:08Truck? What's he want with a truck?
00:17:11Carry the bodies around him. Bodies?
00:17:14Sure. First he dresses them, then he puts them in the truck.
00:17:18That way they keep frozen stiff. Stiffs? I declare.
00:17:23Well, so Jeff's going to become an undertaker.
00:17:26What's an undertaker?
00:17:27Well, you have plenty of time to find out about that.
00:17:30My, oh, my. Wait till Magnolia finds out Jeff wants to be an undertaker.
00:17:34Hey, what you making? Pot?
00:17:35Oh, yeah. Grape juice and lemonade. It's for the ladies.
00:17:38Can I help you Mr. Claghorn?
00:17:41Well, thank you, William. Yeah, there's some grape juice in the cupboard there, if you'll get it, please.
00:17:46Sure, I'm a good grape juice getter.
00:17:48Let's be great juice. If I knew how to eat, that might help. Maybe this is it.
00:18:04I got it, Mr. Claghorn. I am.
00:18:08Okay.
00:18:18Well, we're getting to shape up.
00:18:26I must find out where Magnolia bought this grape juice.
00:18:29We haven't got enough yet, William. You'd better get some more grape juice over there. We've got to fill up this other bowl.
00:18:33Okay.
00:18:44Pour it in?
00:18:45Yeah, pour it in the bowl, William.
00:18:47Pour it in.
00:19:03Pour it in.
00:19:04Pour it in.
00:19:05Pour it in.
00:19:06Pour it in.
00:19:07I wonder what they're making grape juice out of these days?
00:19:34Should I fill up the other boat, too?
00:19:37Yes, thank you, William.
00:19:51Now, ladies, it has been decided that women should take more interest in the affairs of state.
00:19:57We've left almost everything to the men, and look what a mess they've made of the world!
00:20:04We have several important issues to discuss.
00:20:07Well, first, let's have the punch, Annabelle. It's so warm today.
00:20:11It's the Claghorn Special Formula, Mrs. Dinwiddie. Most refreshing.
00:20:16There you are.
00:20:18Good.
00:20:19I am warm for you, Jennifer. And you, Matilda.
00:20:23I just love punch.
00:20:33If people drank punch instead of that horrible whiskey, this would be a better world.
00:20:36It might be better, but it wouldn't be as much fun.
00:20:39Well, alcohol will never pass our lips.
00:20:42Never?
00:20:43No, I never let it get past me, either.
00:20:46I never let it talk.
00:20:49Get out there!
00:21:06Bobby!
00:21:11Oh, thank you, Beauregard.
00:21:38You served very nicely.
00:21:39Thank you, my dear.
00:21:40Precisely.
00:21:41You see, the man's place is in the hole.
00:21:58Oh, that's fine, William.
00:22:00Fine.
00:22:00You've been a big help.
00:22:02My mother thinks I'm a brat.
00:22:04She does?
00:22:06Sure, and she's right, too.
00:22:08She used up all the great juice to want to taste.
00:22:11Uh-huh.
00:22:15That sure is powerful grape juice.
00:22:19You're a fine little man.
00:22:20I like you.
00:22:22Well, then how about giving me my $1.15?
00:22:25Friends, never discuss money matters.
00:22:27Did you switch your eyes through that, Mr. Clackhorn?
00:22:40No.
00:22:41No, of course not.
00:22:42But I'm glad I don't have to put out any fires with this punch.
00:22:45Is it all ready for the ladies now?
00:22:48Yeah.
00:22:49But are the ladies ready for it?
00:22:51I'm going to play cops and robbers.
00:22:53Can I borrow Daisy to think believe she's a bloodhound?
00:22:56Well, son, that dog is a bloodhound.
00:22:58She's a pedigreed bloodhound.
00:23:00No fooling?
00:23:01Yeah.
00:23:02Daisy, if you're a bloodhound, it's a blade.
00:23:05That's a joke, son.
00:23:11Come on, Daisy.
00:23:20And I say that women should enter politics.
00:23:23Why, a woman might even get to be president, like George Washington.
00:23:27Well, she might get to be president, but she could never be the father of her country.
00:23:32Please, please, this is no time for levity.
00:23:42Ladies, all my life I've been a suit-teetler, a suit-teet, a suit-teetler.
00:23:50I've never taken a drink in my life.
00:23:53That should stand for this first date.
00:23:55I say we should have prohibition again.
00:23:59And you're so ready.
00:24:00Ladies, the daughters of Dixie shall campaign to make this state as dry as it was during prohibition.
00:24:25And we girls shall be a shining example, because none of us ever dreamed.
00:24:31Now we shall hear from the chairman of the Ways and Means Committee.
00:24:35Hortense.
00:24:36Hortense.
00:24:38Hortense.
00:24:39Hortense.
00:24:40Hortense.
00:24:41Hortense.
00:24:42Hortense.
00:24:43Hortense.
00:24:44Hortense.
00:24:45Hortense.
00:24:46Hortense.
00:24:47Hortense.
00:24:48Hortense.
00:24:49Hortense.
00:24:50Hortense.
00:24:51Hortense.
00:24:52Hortense.
00:24:53Hortense.
00:24:54Hortense.
00:24:55Hortense.
00:24:56Hortense.
00:24:57Hortense.
00:24:58Hortense.
00:24:59What's the matter with her her mother was the same way. She always wanted to see
00:25:07Listen honey that salesman won't wait much longer either
00:25:11Some way to get that money Jeff. Well, I wish I knew how
00:25:15If I don't raise it pretty quick to sell the truck to somebody else
00:25:22If I had any courage, I'd tell Mary Lou to go ahead and marry that boy part of her mother
00:25:27The girl's got a right to marry the boy. She loves even if he does want to be an undertaker
00:25:33Maybe your mother's right. I couldn't even support you. Oh now. That's a fine way to talk
00:25:38As soon as you make a payment on the truck then mother'll see things differently if and when and right now. It looks like never
00:25:46We mustn't give up Jeff
00:25:57Come over here you two
00:25:59Hello daddy. What's happened? Nothing yet, but something's going to a
00:26:03A claghorn always means what he says and means what he says
00:26:07Oh and vice versa that is
00:26:10I'm gonna give you fifteen hundred dollars to make a down payment on that truck
00:26:13Fifteen hundred dollars
00:26:15Mr. Craghorn your dowry my dear a fine southern custom which your mother completely disregarded
00:26:22Oh, but daddy fifteen hundred dollars. That's just wonderful, but
00:26:26Oh, no, no, I'm not going to let you do it. Now. That's the money from your mint bed, isn't it makes no difference my dear?
00:26:32But Jeff my boy I can't say that I approve the things you're going to carry around in your truck
00:26:37Well, what's the matter with them everything is preserved as good as new good as new the refrigeration keeps them frozen solid
00:26:42Stiff as a board, but they could stay in that truck for years. Still why would anybody want on that way?
00:26:48Oh, but daddy they throw out in an hour
00:26:50They throw out then you can put them in your own icebox put them in my icebox sure in the icebox
00:26:56Oh, no says there's something wrong with you. Mr. Claghorn Jeff my boy whatever made you decide to become an undertaker
00:27:07Look, Mr. Claghorn, this is a frozen food truck food
00:27:11Well, my boss you put ten years back on my life
00:27:15Of course, uh, you could have said you were a southern planter
00:27:19That's a joke son be alert pay attention don't let them get by here
00:27:26Congratulations. Thank you sir. I know you'll be successful
00:27:30Long history our organization is going to nominate its own candidate for the Senate
00:27:35Our political committee has given the matter of candidates for a call
00:27:39And we have unanimously agreed that the right woman to carry our bear in the coming campaign will be
00:27:46Magnolia Claghorn
00:27:49I don't know what to say
00:27:55This is no time for words Magnolia. This is the time for action
00:27:59And now about campaign funds
00:28:04I declare listen to those girls. The meeting must be breaking up. You children better run along now
00:28:11You're not kidding. Oh, daddy the check. Oh, yes. Give me the check. Oh, the check. Yes. Well, here it is
00:28:18Wait a minute sir. You've got to endorse it. Oh, um, I heartily endorse this check. Amen
00:28:23Sign it on the back, please. Here
00:28:26You girls have done nobly, but we're still short of money for our campaign fund
00:28:33I will personally contribute $1,500
00:28:45And I'll write the check for it right now
00:28:50Oh, I'm glad down south we got good cotton
00:29:00Caught up north, the cotton is rotten
00:29:02Look away
00:29:03All right, I can take a hint
00:29:10Flood hound
00:29:12The girls have all gone
00:29:15What are you so happy about?
00:29:20Oh, I'm sorry my dear. I didn't mean to be happy
00:29:22Beauregard, I've got something to tell you. From now on I'm going to wear the pants in this family
00:29:28Oh, naturally dear. I thought you were going to tell me something new
00:29:31I am
00:29:32The daughters of Dixie have decided to run me for state senator
00:29:37Well, that's a very good thing to... State senator?
00:29:40The Honorable Magnolia Claghorn
00:29:43Well, Magnolia, that's quite a surprise
00:29:45Yes, sir, that's quite a... Oh, I said that, didn't I?
00:29:51Yes, I've donated that $1,500 to the campaign fund
00:29:55You what?
00:29:56Stop acting like a moron
00:29:58I gave him the money that we made on the mint bed
00:30:00You did?
00:30:01Certainly, I wrote my personal check for it, so I hope you put that money in the bank already
00:30:06Oh, yeah, I did
00:30:07No, I didn't
00:30:08I gave it to Mary Lou to put in the bank
00:30:10Oh, good
00:30:11Sounds like a truck
00:30:17Truck?
00:30:18We don't expect any deliveries
00:30:19Oh, no, no, it can't be a truck
00:30:22Oh, it's the thunder
00:30:24Thunder?
00:30:24Yeah, a big storm is coming up
00:30:26The rain is coming down
00:30:28The wind is going sideways
00:30:29Glass all over the place
00:30:31The poor fellow's bleeding
00:30:32Boregard!
00:30:33Yes, dear
00:30:34I'm going out and see what that is
00:30:36Oh, didn't you, didn't I forget the...
00:30:38What's the matter with you anyhow?
00:30:39Now, you just finish up what you were doing here
00:30:41I'm going out and see what that truck wants
00:30:43Yes, dear
00:30:44Oh, Senator
00:30:46I'm dead
00:30:47It's just beautiful, Jeff
00:30:58Those new ice compartments are nice, huh?
00:31:00Our whole future's in this
00:31:02Yeah, as soon as we make all the payments, we're in the bank
00:31:04Just what is the meaning of this?
00:31:06Oh, hello, Mom
00:31:07Hi, Mom
00:31:08Isn't it beautiful?
00:31:09You're looking for the new tycoon of the frozen food business, Mrs. Claghorn
00:31:12Did you deposit the check in the bank yet?
00:31:15In the bank
00:31:16Is that what Papa told you?
00:31:18Of course
00:31:18Well, then that's exactly what I did
00:31:21Where did Jeff get the money to buy that truck?
00:31:25Well, I...
00:31:25Well, a rich uncle died
00:31:27Yes, he died
00:31:28He must have died rather suddenly
00:31:30Well, yes, it just occurred to me
00:31:32To him, I mean
00:31:33He ran out of breath
00:31:35And I'm running out of patience
00:31:37Everybody's acting mighty strange around here
00:31:40And that check had better be in the bank
00:31:42The daughters of Dixie are nominating me for state senator
00:31:45State senator?
00:31:47Boy, Mama, that's wonderful
00:31:48Congratulations, Mom
00:31:50Thank you
00:31:51Nobody asked you
00:31:52And Mary Lou, I've drawn a check for the bull $1,500 to donate to my campaign fund
00:31:59You have?
00:31:59I certainly have
00:32:01I have to run along now, honey
00:32:02And you
00:32:04Get that monstrosity off of these premises
00:32:07Oh, boy, go
00:32:10Boy, go
00:32:15Gee, honey, this is bad
00:32:17We've got to get that money back somehow
00:32:19They'll never return it
00:32:20The contract's already signed
00:32:22Oh, we've got to think of something
00:32:24Yeah, I suppose so
00:32:26Well, I'll see what I can do
00:32:29And get in touch with you later
00:32:30Goodbye, beautiful
00:32:33Goodbye
00:32:34You can't find it when you do want it
00:32:39If you don't want it, you can't get rid of it
00:32:41Jump in a minute
00:32:42Magnolia Claghorn to run for Senate
00:32:53A fine mess of horseradish you've got us into
00:32:57Mrs. Claghorn
00:32:59Who's Mrs. Claghorn?
00:33:01The only thing that could beat us right now is just this
00:33:04A woman
00:33:05But, boss, nobody knows Mrs. Claghorn
00:33:07You're in the South now, baby
00:33:08And down here a woman is more than a woman
00:33:10She's an institution
00:33:11A superstition
00:33:12You babies want to hang on to what you've had for the last 12 years
00:33:15You better start thinking and start thinking fast
00:33:17What is it?
00:33:20There's a Mr. Jeff Davis to see you, sir
00:33:21Davis? I don't know any Davis
00:33:23What does he want?
00:33:24He says it's personal
00:33:25Okay, send him in
00:33:26Uh, uh...
00:33:28What do you want, Senator?
00:33:30Can I go to lunch now? I'm hungry
00:33:33Stay put!
00:33:39Now, what's on your mind, young man?
00:33:40I'd like to talk to Senator Leeds
00:33:42I handle all his business for him
00:33:43My name is Healy, Big Dan Healy
00:33:45Oh, I've heard of you, Mr. Healy
00:33:46Will you have a cigar?
00:33:47Thank you, sir
00:33:48Now, what's your business with the Senator?
00:33:49Well, I've always had a great admiration for Senator Leeds, and I...
00:33:53Thank you
00:33:53Oh, thank you
00:33:54Thank you very much
00:33:55Shake hands with Mr., um...
00:33:57What's your name?
00:33:57Jefferson Davis
00:33:58Yeah, Mr. Davis
00:33:59Shake hands with Mr. Davis, Senator
00:34:00I can't
00:34:01What do you mean you can't?
00:34:02Well, my hand's caught in a desk drawer
00:34:04Oh
00:34:04Don't shake hands
00:34:06Not with me, with him
00:34:08Oh
00:34:09I hope you get re-elected, Senator
00:34:10I don't mind
00:34:11Well, young fellow
00:34:12Now, let's have it
00:34:13What do you want to see me about?
00:34:15Well, I have a way to defeat Mrs. Clagg
00:34:16You have?
00:34:19Yes
00:34:19How?
00:34:21Well, now, here's the way it has to be worked
00:34:23Daisy
00:34:36You see me at my lower step
00:34:38If I don't replace that money, the Clagg Horn name will be disgrace
00:34:42You're lucky to be a dog
00:34:45Your troubles are canine
00:34:46Mine are asinine
00:34:48If you weren't a dog, I'd get a laugh on that
00:34:53Well, don't sit there with your tongue hanging out
00:34:57Pray for me
00:34:58Mr. Clagg Horn
00:35:06Mr. Clagg Horn
00:35:08Yeah
00:35:08Yeah
00:35:10Hey, I got good news
00:35:17What is it?
00:35:17$3,000 worth of it
00:35:19Nobody saw your ticket, did they?
00:35:21Mr. Clagg Horn
00:35:21Would you care very much if Mrs. Clagg Horn were defeated in the election?
00:35:25Care?
00:35:27Sean, if Magnolia was elected, my life wouldn't be worth living
00:35:30Good
00:35:30Then we can keep the $3,000
00:35:32Yeah, but I don't understand
00:35:34Well, we had to get the money to give to your wife
00:35:36So I went to Mr. Healy
00:35:38Healy?
00:35:39Why, that load
00:35:39Now, wait a minute
00:35:40He's the one that gave me the money
00:35:42Yeah
00:35:42Well, take it back
00:35:43It was probably printed in the Philadelphia Mint
00:35:45Well, I didn't say that
00:35:46Why, they call it mint anyhow
00:35:47Mint belongs with juleps
00:35:49And juleps belong in the South
00:35:51I know, I know
00:35:52Well, I told Healy
00:35:53That he could stop Mrs. Clagg Horn's being elected
00:35:55By starting a third party
00:35:57And splitting the vote
00:35:58Yeah, they do it all the time
00:36:00So he gave me $3,000 for the campaign fund
00:36:02Hmm
00:36:03Who are they going to run against, Magnolia?
00:36:05You
00:36:05Well, it's a good thing
00:36:06Me!
00:36:07Now, take it easy, Mr. Clagg Horn
00:36:09You've got to stand on your rights sometime
00:36:11Yeah, I know
00:36:12But how am I going to stand on my rights
00:36:14While Magnolia is standing on my face?
00:36:16Well, you really think I'd make a good senator?
00:36:28Well, you'd make a loud one
00:36:30And that's mighty important
00:36:32Why, look, Beauregard
00:36:36Even Daisy knows there are two sides to you
00:36:39The humble and great
00:36:42Why, if you just showed a little gumption
00:36:45You could be a great man
00:36:47You could be a leader of men
00:36:49By George, you're right
00:36:52And the first thing I do
00:36:53I'll assert myself to Magnolia
00:36:55I'll...
00:36:56Beauregard?
00:37:01She heard me
00:37:02You better beat it
00:37:06Magnolia will never stand for two of us
00:37:09In the same house
00:37:10Yes, dear
00:37:11Yes, dear
00:37:16Someone's knocking at the door
00:37:18Answer it
00:37:19Hello
00:37:29We want to talk to you, Clagg Horn
00:37:41Well, we might have to give you a little warning
00:37:42Warning?
00:37:44Are you gentlemen trying to threaten me?
00:37:46Yeah, we're threatening you
00:37:47What about it?
00:37:48Nothing
00:37:49I just want to make sure
00:37:50Be positive
00:37:51Meet a lot of nice people that way
00:37:52We just want to tell you
00:37:54Don't try to double-cross us in this election
00:37:56Yeah
00:37:56One funny trick out of you
00:37:58And there'll be two candidates running
00:37:59Leads and your wife
00:38:01What are you going to do to me?
00:38:03Eradicate, eliminate, exterminate you
00:38:05Knock you off
00:38:06Take your choice
00:38:08They all mean the same
00:38:09Well, gentlemen, that's murder
00:38:11Yeah, ain't it?
00:38:13What if the people should elect me?
00:38:15In that case, you get the biggest funeral in history
00:38:18Yeah
00:38:20The best thing we can do for you, Father
00:38:28Is to see that he gets elected
00:38:29Do you really think he has a chance?
00:38:32Why, he has more than a chance
00:38:33From now on, I'm going to do everything I can to help him
00:38:36Support drawing for Beauregard Clagg Horn
00:38:45Most healing machines threatened by rising popularity of Clagg Horn
00:38:49It's a fine mess
00:38:52If we don't have trouble with one Clagg Horn
00:38:54We're having trouble with the other
00:38:55I'm sick and tired
00:38:56Here he is
00:38:57What is the meaning of this, this abduction?
00:39:03I protest
00:39:03I'm a southern gentleman
00:39:05And I like to be
00:39:06Shut up
00:39:06I think you gentlemen are just great to the south
00:39:09If you don't mind my saying so
00:39:10We mind
00:39:11Yeah, that's what I thought
00:39:12Shut up
00:39:13What are the languages do you speak?
00:39:17Get off your high horse, Clagg Horn
00:39:19You're here for a reason
00:39:20Now let me tell you something, Bud
00:39:22We've had more than a dozen parades in this territory for Lee
00:39:25We've had more speeches for Lee than we ever had before
00:39:28And still the people are not interested in him
00:39:30I haven't done anything to make people vote for me
00:39:32Justice Liam, if you're elected
00:39:34You'd better start making a down payment on a cemetery slot
00:39:36Us guys make a living stopping guys like you from living
00:39:39What do you want me to do?
00:39:41Well, you've got three thousand bucks not to be elected
00:39:43It's up to you to find some way to earn that dough
00:39:45Well, in the south, we've settled disputes of this kind like gentlemen
00:39:49By negotiating
00:39:50All right
00:39:51Let's negotiate
00:39:52With you?
00:39:54Why, that's impossible
00:39:55I don't even know your kinfolk
00:39:57By what?
00:39:58And besides
00:39:58I think there's a trace of northern blood in you
00:40:01I don't like your methods, Mr. Dan Healy
00:40:03Why, you pony, hot-eared south wind
00:40:06Sure, I'm from the north
00:40:08But I'm running things down here in the south
00:40:10And the sooner you southern sats find that
00:40:12Oh, that's it, huh?
00:40:14You're from the north
00:40:15Well, that's the last straw
00:40:17Taking orders from the northerner I will not tolerate
00:40:20Gentlemen, I'm ashamed of you
00:40:22And I'm ashamed of myself for even talking to you
00:40:25Through no fault of my own, I became involved with you
00:40:28But as of this minute, I am through
00:40:30Finished
00:40:31I will no longer be a part of your crooked politics
00:40:35From now on, I'm going to try to be elected
00:40:37Why, you're a cheap gentleman
00:40:39Shut up!
00:40:41Why, you don't think you can get away with us, do you, Clackhorn?
00:40:44I have only one answer to that, Mr. Healy
00:40:46May I borrow your gloves?
00:40:48I have no gloves
00:40:48Well, then, this will have to do
00:40:51Let that be a lesson to you
00:40:54I want to thank you for making a man of me
00:41:01Good day, gentlemen
00:41:03THE END
00:41:09THE END
00:41:10Boy, it's the biggest problem we've ever had.
00:41:38You'll pick up plenty of boats tonight.
00:41:40Yeah?
00:41:40He's been a big help in the campaign.
00:41:43I like him, son.
00:41:44Son, that is.
00:41:45Oh, now, wait a minute, Daddy.
00:41:47I found him first.
00:41:48Well, I have two-thirds of the family on my side, at least,
00:41:50but get ready.
00:41:51Harvey's going to announce him.
00:41:52Oh, how do I look?
00:41:54Beautiful, Daddy.
00:41:57Ladies and gentlemen,
00:41:59the speaker of the evening and candidate for senator,
00:42:03Holy God, Clackwell.
00:42:14Clackhorn's the name of Beauregard Clackhorn, that ear.
00:42:17Now, Mr. Harvey here has been helping me in my campaign.
00:42:21He's going to assist me tonight
00:42:22in telling you why a vote for Clackhorn is a step in the right direction.
00:42:30Even if you're not going that way.
00:42:37Yeah.
00:42:37Now, before we get to the main subject,
00:42:40there's a few things I'd like to say first.
00:42:42Stick to the speech, General Beauregard.
00:42:44Now, I'm sorry, son.
00:42:45I got some things on my chest.
00:42:47Things I can't get off my chest with the carbonator shoulder.
00:42:49Oh, my God.
00:42:51Go ahead and laugh.
00:42:52Laugh is good for the shoulder.
00:42:54I want you to laugh.
00:42:55You know, everybody would be much better off
00:42:57if more heels had souls.
00:42:59Heels had souls!
00:43:00If you're listening, you should be laughing.
00:43:06And if there's any Yankees in the audience,
00:43:08I'll wrestle them two falls out of three.
00:43:14Geez, we kept speech, boy.
00:43:16Oh, yeah.
00:43:17Now, about this election business,
00:43:18I'm warning you that if I'm elected,
00:43:21I won't allow any streetcars down here to go north.
00:43:25People that live up that way won't be able to get home.
00:43:27Holy God.
00:43:28Of course, they can always come to my place,
00:43:30Flaghorn Manor,
00:43:31and live in style and comfort.
00:43:34Southern comfort, that is.
00:43:35Listen, the audience wants to...
00:43:36And they'll eat Southern fish, too.
00:43:38Yeah.
00:43:39Heels.
00:43:40That's Lee spelled backwards.
00:43:46That's a joke, son.
00:43:48Here I am, hitting the jackpot.
00:43:49I'm busting scenes tonight.
00:43:51Busting my heart?
00:43:52Now, Beauregard,
00:43:52Matt, do you want to say something, son?
00:43:54Yes, I want.
00:43:54Well, go right ahead and say it.
00:43:55It's a free country,
00:43:56at least the southern part of it here.
00:43:57Well, all I want to say is...
00:43:58Well, go right ahead and say it.
00:43:59Well, that's what I've been trying to do.
00:44:00Don't ever let it be said
00:44:01that a flaghorn won't let another man talk.
00:44:03Well, that's very nice of you, buddy.
00:44:04Yeah, well, then get to the point.
00:44:05You're wasting time.
00:44:06Minutes, you understand.
00:44:07Yes, but...
00:44:08And days.
00:44:08How about years?
00:44:09Years?
00:44:10Don't worry about them.
00:44:11Only walls have years.
00:44:16I wasted another one on you.
00:44:18I keep hitting them,
00:44:19you keep booting them.
00:44:21Are you through?
00:44:23Are you serious?
00:44:23I got some more talking here
00:44:25to do about the election.
00:44:26Yes, yes.
00:44:28Give it a chance.
00:44:28Just once.
00:44:29Please.
00:44:30Will somebody get this gentleman
00:44:32a glass of water?
00:44:33Mississippi water.
00:44:38Ladies and gentlemen,
00:44:39up to now,
00:44:40Mr. Claghorn
00:44:40has nearly been warming up
00:44:42his vocal cords.
00:44:43He's now ready
00:44:44to address you
00:44:45on the subject
00:44:45of why you should vote
00:44:47for him on election day.
00:44:48Mr. Claghorn.
00:44:48Folks,
00:44:53ladies and gentlemen,
00:44:55I know a lot of people
00:44:56are going to want
00:44:56to vote for me
00:44:57because they're
00:44:58friends of mine.
00:45:00Well,
00:45:00they shouldn't do it
00:45:01on that basis
00:45:02because I'm a man
00:45:03just like yourself.
00:45:05No better
00:45:05or no worse.
00:45:07But Boss Healy
00:45:08and his mob,
00:45:10they think they're
00:45:10better than you are.
00:45:12Maybe that's why
00:45:13they think they can
00:45:13tell you what to do,
00:45:14make you like it,
00:45:15even if you don't like it.
00:45:18You see,
00:45:18Senator Lee belongs
00:45:19to that kind
00:45:20of an organization,
00:45:22the kind that tells
00:45:23us average people
00:45:24what to do
00:45:24and how to do it.
00:45:27Chiefly because
00:45:27they think we haven't
00:45:28got the sense
00:45:29to do things
00:45:29for ourselves.
00:45:31Who said we
00:45:31haven't got sense?
00:45:33I don't want any
00:45:34politicians
00:45:34telling me how to live.
00:45:38Please,
00:45:38please,
00:45:39folks,
00:45:39don't be angry with me
00:45:40because I'm telling
00:45:41you the truth.
00:45:42We're just as much
00:45:43to blame.
00:45:44We kept them
00:45:45in office.
00:45:46We voted for
00:45:47Senator Leeds
00:45:48and Boss Healy's
00:45:48political machine,
00:45:49didn't we?
00:45:51In fact,
00:45:51the way things
00:45:52went before,
00:45:53it would have been
00:45:53better if we'd have
00:45:54saved the tax money
00:45:55for elections
00:45:55and had no elections
00:45:56at all.
00:45:58Well,
00:45:58our votes were a joke.
00:46:01Votes are something
00:46:01I don't like to joke about.
00:46:04And if I know
00:46:04the South,
00:46:06I know that you
00:46:06all agree with me.
00:46:08I don't want
00:46:08any more of Leeds
00:46:09than those other
00:46:10crocs.
00:46:10Yeah!
00:46:10Don't be in on that.
00:46:15I'm voting
00:46:16for Beauregard
00:46:16Claghorn.
00:46:17Hey!
00:46:19Say something,
00:46:20say something.
00:46:29Oh, and don't forget
00:46:30my slogan.
00:46:31In this election,
00:46:32get out of your
00:46:33detection
00:46:34and make Claghorn
00:46:35your selection.
00:46:35If I didn't see it
00:46:39with my own eyes,
00:46:40I wouldn't believe it.
00:46:53Hey!
00:46:54Put me down!
00:46:56You baboons!
00:46:57You horse thieves!
00:46:58We'll put you down!
00:47:01Don't grab me
00:47:02or I'll baboon
00:47:02watch him!
00:47:03Get him!
00:47:04Gentlemen,
00:47:12what's the meaning
00:47:12of this?
00:47:13Shut up.
00:47:14Where are we going?
00:47:15Shut up.
00:47:17Would you mind
00:47:17very much if I...
00:47:18Shut up!
00:47:19I can't remember
00:47:20when I've had
00:47:21a more interesting
00:47:22conversation.
00:47:23Yeah, I know.
00:47:24Shut up.
00:47:32Come on.
00:47:33Come on.
00:47:34Say,
00:47:35whose house is this
00:47:36anyhow?
00:47:38If you're trying
00:47:38to interest me
00:47:39in real estate...
00:47:40Shut up!
00:47:40Hold your kids
00:47:41and get in there.
00:47:41Hey, where do you think
00:48:00you're going?
00:48:01Why, you gentlemen
00:48:02were ignoring me.
00:48:03I thought I'd go out
00:48:04and get a little air.
00:48:05Yeah, we'll give you
00:48:05some air.
00:48:06Yeah.
00:48:07I hope you won't
00:48:08think it too aggressive
00:48:08of me, gentlemen,
00:48:09to ask what you intend
00:48:10to do with me.
00:48:11You'll find out, bud.
00:48:12Sit down and stop
00:48:13interrupting.
00:48:13Yeah.
00:48:15I get a little tired
00:48:16with nothing to do.
00:48:17I thought I might
00:48:18join you boys.
00:48:19Shut up!
00:48:20Yeah.
00:48:21Might play a game
00:48:22of bridge.
00:48:23Bridge.
00:48:23It takes four hands
00:48:24to play bridge.
00:48:25South, west, east.
00:48:26Yeah, I know.
00:48:27And the dummy hand.
00:48:28N-O-R-T-H, dummy.
00:48:31Well, you've got to sit down.
00:48:33Yes, sir.
00:48:35I say, yes, sir.
00:48:40The sudden disappearance
00:48:42of Mr. Claghorn
00:48:43has blown the entire
00:48:45election campaign
00:48:46sky high.
00:48:47For the police
00:48:48admit their failure
00:48:50to unearth
00:48:51one single clue
00:48:52as to the whereabouts
00:48:54of the missing
00:48:55senatorial candidate
00:48:56Beauregard Claghorn.
00:48:58The odd thing is
00:48:59that Claghorn's dog,
00:49:01Daisy,
00:49:01has disappeared also.
00:49:15Rumors are beginning
00:49:16to circulate
00:49:17that Claghorn,
00:49:19afraid of something,
00:49:20vanished of his own accord.
00:49:22Actually,
00:49:23not the chance.
00:49:25So that's it.
00:49:26What's it?
00:49:26He's running away again.
00:49:28He's hiding.
00:49:28Oh, Mama,
00:49:29you don't believe that.
00:49:30Well, what else
00:49:30can I believe?
00:49:31Certainly nobody
00:49:32kidnapped your father
00:49:33for ransom.
00:49:33We haven't any money.
00:49:34Well, maybe it's
00:49:35some sort of an attack
00:49:36to keep him out
00:49:36of the election.
00:49:37But how could that
00:49:38influence the voting?
00:49:39There won't be any voting.
00:49:41Not for Mr. Claghorn
00:49:42at any rate.
00:49:43If he doesn't return
00:49:44by 9 o'clock
00:49:44the night before election,
00:49:46his name will be
00:49:46withdrawn from the ballot.
00:49:47Then that's exactly
00:49:48what he wants.
00:49:50Jeff Davis,
00:49:50where there's smoke,
00:49:51there's fire.
00:49:52And if there are
00:49:53any rumors,
00:49:53then something must have
00:49:54happened to Statham.
00:49:55I still think
00:49:56he's running away.
00:49:56Oh, Mama,
00:49:57can't you ever give
00:49:58Papa the benefit
00:49:59of the doubt?
00:50:00Why, Mary Lou.
00:50:01Honey, you're upset.
00:50:02Yes, I'm upset.
00:50:04Rumors.
00:50:04They were probably
00:50:05started by that
00:50:06gossipy old bunch of heads
00:50:07they call the daughters
00:50:08a dick thing.
00:50:09Now, see here, Mary Lou.
00:50:10But look, Mama,
00:50:10you don't seem to care
00:50:11what's happened to Papa.
00:50:12All you care is
00:50:13why he disappeared.
00:50:14Afraid that if there is
00:50:15a scandal of some sort,
00:50:16it'll ruin your chances
00:50:17for election.
00:50:17Honey, please.
00:50:18Well, I'm proud of my daddy.
00:50:20And I don't think
00:50:20he did run away.
00:50:22Instead of sitting here
00:50:22wasting time,
00:50:23I'm going out
00:50:24to look for him.
00:50:25You coming, Jeff?
00:50:26You bet, baby.
00:50:27Well.
00:50:40So, you're here too, huh?
00:50:42Well, you might as well
00:50:43kill me and get it over with.
00:50:44Don't make so much noise.
00:50:45But when I die,
00:50:46I don't want to go west.
00:50:47I want to stay in the south.
00:50:48Like Hall.
00:50:48I don't want to cross
00:50:49the River Jordan
00:50:50or the River Styx.
00:50:51The Mississippi
00:50:51is good enough for me.
00:50:52Oh, you could have.
00:50:53And when I get to heaven,
00:50:55I'm going to see about
00:50:55changing the name
00:50:56of the North Star.
00:50:57Oh, let's make him
00:50:58close this kisser.
00:50:59He's been driving us
00:51:00bets with his chatter
00:51:00about the south.
00:51:01When you talk about
00:51:02the south, son,
00:51:03tip your hat.
00:51:04Shut up, shut up.
00:51:05That's enough.
00:51:07Why can't I go home?
00:51:08You can go home right now
00:51:08if you want to.
00:51:09Can I?
00:51:10All you have to do
00:51:10is withdraw from the election.
00:51:12Withdraw?
00:51:13Never.
00:51:13I say never.
00:51:14All right, suit yourself.
00:51:15We'll keep you locked up here
00:51:16until nine o'clock tonight.
00:51:17That'll be two hours from now.
00:51:19By that time,
00:51:19your name will be
00:51:20off the ballot anyway.
00:51:21So that's it.
00:51:22Gentlemen,
00:51:22this crime will not
00:51:23go unpunished.
00:51:24I tell you.
00:51:26Oh, I swear,
00:51:26don't I just
00:51:27knock this character off.
00:51:28Now.
00:51:28Don't be impatient, Ace.
00:51:29Everything in due time.
00:51:31Now, you think it over, sucker.
00:51:32I've got plenty of time.
00:51:33I'll get in touch
00:51:34with you boys later.
00:51:37Yankee.
00:51:44Guys, if we don't find
00:51:46your father before
00:51:46that nine o'clock
00:51:47meeting tonight,
00:51:48you'll be a dead duck
00:51:49as far as the election
00:51:49is concerned.
00:51:50Oh, but Jeff,
00:51:51we've got to find him.
00:51:52I don't care
00:51:53about the election.
00:51:54I just want to know
00:51:54that he's all right.
00:51:56I wish the police
00:51:57could do something.
00:51:59What is it, Cliff?
00:52:00Want us to go to work
00:52:01now, Mr. Davis?
00:52:01No, not yet.
00:52:02I'll let you know.
00:52:07These cans
00:52:07are better cooked
00:52:08than my wife.
00:52:11Gentlemen,
00:52:12I've been poisoned.
00:52:13Now, what's the matter?
00:52:14These are Boston-baked beans.
00:52:16I should have been
00:52:18a plain pickpocket
00:52:19like me mother wanted.
00:52:21What a date.
00:52:22Well, we'll have to listen
00:52:24to you much longer,
00:52:24Claghorn.
00:52:25Yeah, but these...
00:52:26Ladies and gentlemen,
00:52:27we interrupt this program
00:52:29of dance music
00:52:29to bring you
00:52:30an important announcement.
00:52:31One of the candidates
00:52:32in the most unusual
00:52:34election campaigns
00:52:35in the history
00:52:36of this state
00:52:37is here with us
00:52:38in the studio.
00:52:40Mrs. Magnolia Claghorn.
00:52:44Magnolia!
00:52:46Ladies and gentlemen,
00:52:47I know my announcement
00:52:48will reach everyone's ears,
00:52:50but it is really intended
00:52:52for my husband,
00:52:53Beauregard Claghorn,
00:52:55if he should be listening in.
00:52:56I am, Magnolia.
00:52:58I am.
00:52:59I hope you are, Beauregard.
00:53:01What's the matter, Magnolia?
00:53:02I want to tell you
00:53:03that I have withdrawn
00:53:05from the election,
00:53:06leaving the field clear
00:53:07for you to defeat
00:53:08Senator Leeds.
00:53:09You can't do that.
00:53:10No.
00:53:11Nothing can stop me.
00:53:12My mind is made up.
00:53:14Why are you doing it, Magnolia?
00:53:16Why, that is?
00:53:17I love you, Beauregard.
00:53:19And I realize
00:53:20how badly I've treated you
00:53:21all these years,
00:53:23and now I want you
00:53:24to be senator.
00:53:25Well, that's wonderful, Magnolia.
00:53:27Hey, cut it out.
00:53:28We're not supposed
00:53:28to let you talk to anyone.
00:53:29Yeah, but I can't get out of here.
00:53:31They're holding me.
00:53:32No matter where you are,
00:53:34you've got to reach
00:53:35Town Hall by 9 o'clock tonight.
00:53:37Just let him try it.
00:53:39Show how brave you are, Beauregard.
00:53:41Overcome the vile villains
00:53:43who are holding you.
00:53:44Defy them.
00:53:45Magnolia is very naive.
00:53:47Come back to me, Beauregard.
00:53:49I'll do my best, Magnolia.
00:53:51I know you'll do your best.
00:53:54This can't be.
00:53:55It ain't natural.
00:53:55I'm going nuts crazy.
00:53:57Those men who kidnapped you
00:53:58must be out of their mind.
00:54:00Shut up.
00:54:01Shut up!
00:54:02Cut that radio off.
00:54:03Shut it off.
00:54:04Remember, 9 o'clock tonight.
00:54:07Guess that'll hold you.
00:54:08You shouldn't have done that.
00:54:10Magnolia won't like it.
00:54:12What kind of stunt
00:54:12are you trying to pull, Claggart?
00:54:14I ought to knock you off now.
00:54:16Now, don't be hasty, gentlemen.
00:54:19Sometimes miracles can happen.
00:54:23And don't move, either of you.
00:54:26Or I'll run you through.
00:54:28And if you try anything,
00:54:30this trusty Confederate blade
00:54:32will make you look like an olive in a martini
00:54:34with a toothpick in it.
00:54:36Well, you're going to be a wise guy.
00:54:37Stay where you are.
00:54:38Don't come another step.
00:54:40I'm warning you.
00:54:46Now I know why the South lost the war.
00:54:49Now, just a minute, fellas.
00:54:51We warned you, bud.
00:54:52Yeah, if you'd just give me time
00:54:53to repent my hasty temper.
00:54:55If you'd...
00:54:55Ah, shut up.
00:54:56Hold it, knifey.
00:54:57Don't carve him yet.
00:54:58Carve me?
00:54:59Would either of you gentlemen
00:55:00care for a drumstick?
00:55:01What am I saying?
00:55:02Ah, lock him up.
00:55:03We'd better do like the boss wants.
00:55:05Wait till he tells you.
00:55:06Yeah, that's better.
00:55:07Let's tie him up.
00:55:08My pants!
00:55:12This is...
00:55:13I say, this is embarrassing.
00:55:15Magnolia wanted me to wear the pants
00:55:17in the family now.
00:55:18Shut up!
00:55:24It is now exactly 25 minutes to nine.
00:55:30And still Beauregard Claghorn hasn't appeared.
00:55:34Nice of you fellas to carry me.
00:55:36My feet hurt.
00:55:38And probably you all know
00:55:40of the magnanimous gesture
00:55:42made by Mrs. Claghorn
00:55:43in withdrawing from the campaign
00:55:46so that her husband,
00:55:48who has achieved a man's popularity
00:55:50with voters,
00:55:51may have a clean-cut race
00:55:52with Senator Leeds
00:55:53in tomorrow's election.
00:55:57After this,
00:55:58a coffin will seem like a relief.
00:56:01We're working on that, too.
00:56:08Hey!
00:56:12What do you want?
00:56:13The least you could do
00:56:14is leave me a fly, Swatter.
00:56:16There's a fly on my nose.
00:56:18Well, it ain't there now.
00:56:20You got this pan in hand.
00:56:27Say,
00:56:28it's dark in here.
00:56:29We haven't been through here yet.
00:56:36Okay, boys,
00:56:37go to work.
00:56:38Okay.
00:56:43Won't be long now.
00:56:44So since the boss
00:56:45once Claghorn knocked her off.
00:56:46Oh, sure.
00:56:47He ain't gonna let him
00:56:48squeal to the cops.
00:56:50He's anywhere within earshot.
00:56:52That tune will bet you.
00:56:53And it always has.
00:56:54The National Anthem!
00:57:16And so,
00:57:30we make another plea
00:57:31to Mr. Claghorn.
00:57:33Who will call him
00:57:34will return
00:57:34before nine o'clock tonight
00:57:36so that his name
00:57:38may be kept on the ballot.
00:57:40Hurry, Mr. Claghorn.
00:57:41Hurry.
00:57:41The time is short.
00:57:43The chances for your election
00:57:45are slippin'.
00:57:45Show them my pants.
00:58:10Hey!
00:58:13Hey!
00:58:14Stop that truck!
00:58:40Hey!
00:58:41Yes, look!
00:58:46Look, it's Daisy!
00:58:53Hurry, Daddy!
00:58:54Hurry!
00:58:55Daddy!
00:58:56Daddy, are you all right?
00:58:57Yeah, sure.
00:58:58I think.
00:58:59Come on, Mr. Claghorn.
00:59:00We've got till nine o'clock
00:59:01to get to town hall.
00:59:02Yeah?
00:59:02Can we make it?
00:59:03Oh, nothing like trying.
00:59:04All right.
00:59:04Daisy!
00:59:05Come on.
00:59:08Look at Daddy.
00:59:08It will be regrettable indeed
00:59:11if Mr. Claghorn
00:59:13doesn't appear here
00:59:14within the next
00:59:15four minutes.
00:59:23It is now
00:59:24two minutes to nine.
00:59:27Time is near.
00:59:29I see the members
00:59:30of the Board of Elections
00:59:31talking among themselves.
00:59:32It's almost time
00:59:34for them to make
00:59:35the announcement
00:59:35of the withdrawal
00:59:36of Beauregard Claghorn's name
00:59:38from tomorrow's ballot.
00:59:43Only
00:59:4390 seconds left now.
00:59:4690 seconds.
00:59:4760 seconds left.
00:59:54One minute.
01:00:0350 seconds.
01:00:0730 seconds.
01:00:0830 seconds.
01:00:0850 seconds.
01:00:1750 seconds.
01:00:19Three seconds.
01:00:21Well, folks,
01:00:22I guess it's too late.
01:00:23The officials are coming
01:00:24up to the microphones now.
01:00:26It's...
01:00:26It's...
01:00:27I say it's
01:00:28Beauregard Claghorn.
01:00:29Oh, my dog.
01:00:46Oh, yeah.
01:00:47That was mighty smart
01:00:49of you, Beauregard.
01:00:50Huh?
01:00:50Disappearing the way
01:00:51you did
01:00:52so your wife
01:00:53would withdraw
01:00:53from the election.
01:00:54Oh, no.
01:00:55What?
01:00:56Now, now,
01:00:56now, now,
01:00:57wait.
01:00:58Now, now, now,
01:00:59Beauregard Claghorn!
01:01:01Just a minute, folks.
01:01:03Just a minute.
01:01:03Something's happened.
01:01:04Claghorn's running away again.
01:01:08Here we are
01:01:09in Southern Belle
01:01:10the day after the election
01:01:11where a huge victory parade
01:01:12for Beauregard Claghorn
01:01:14is lining up
01:01:15at the boulevard
01:01:15directly in front of me
01:01:16even though
01:01:17Mr. Claghorn himself
01:01:18is not present.
01:01:19For even
01:01:20as you are listening to me,
01:01:22the police are again
01:01:23conducting an intense search
01:01:24for the new senator
01:01:25who disappears
01:01:26at the strangest time.
01:01:28Children,
01:01:29children.
01:01:30Where can he possibly be?
01:01:33Well, at least we know
01:01:34they haven't got him.
01:01:35Well, I see the band
01:01:37is lining up
01:01:37and the parade
01:01:38is about to begin
01:01:39and in the absence
01:01:39of her husband,
01:01:40Mrs. Claghorn
01:01:41is riding in
01:01:42the official car.
01:01:43either rain
01:02:06nor sleet
01:02:07nor snow
01:02:08can stop Claghorn.
01:02:09and here I am
01:02:10folks.
01:02:20Why, that's a beautiful melody.
01:02:23Melody?
01:02:24That's the natural answer.
01:02:26and here I am.
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