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00:00I have had a tough journey in my life where I have done a lot of right in my perception, received a lot of wrong in my perception.
00:09So, today where I stand, looking back, I really feel what our mother and father taught us,
00:15or school taught us a moral science lesson, or taught us that you will do good with it, I don't think it really works.
00:24We are born unfulfilled, aren't we?
00:27We do experience a certain hollowness, a lack of wholeness within.
00:32Something is emiss, something is not right.
00:35This fellow will enter my life and make it blossom.
00:38The other fellow could not make his own life blossom, how will he help you?
00:42Do we actually list down all that we expect from the other and get his signature?
00:47The fact is, if you were to honestly list down what you are secretly desiring from the other,
00:52the relationship would be aborted right in the beginning.
00:55This fellow will enter my life and make it blossom.
00:59Nobody can make your life blossom.
01:00Only your own understanding can help you.
01:03The other fellow could not make his own life blossom, how will he help you?
01:06His love is another name for brutal desire.
01:10It was this song, I love the shape of you.
01:12And when you are out of shape, then you come to Acharya Prashant.
01:15Talking of lovelessness in life.
01:19Namaste.
01:25I am very grateful to be here.
01:27Nice to see you today.
01:29As relationships and being in conflict within yourself of what is right and what is wrong.
01:38So, usually when I talk these days, I feel there is nothing right or wrong.
01:45It is a perception of an individual, how he or she sees a given situation.
01:50I have had a tough journey in my life where I have done a lot of right in my perception, received a lot of wrong in my perception.
02:05So, today where I stand, looking back, I really feel, I am at a stage where I really doubt this does not work.
02:29So, today I feel that everybody's purpose is different.
02:38Their, I have heard the word journey is different.
02:42Their pace is different.
02:44So, in relationships, there are two people.
02:49It can be mother, father, it can be brother, sister, it can be husband, wife, it can be anyone.
02:53There are two people walking at their own pace.
02:56One thinks differently, the other one thinks differently.
03:00How do you come at a common standpoint without saying right or wrong?
03:08Without looking at the other person in a manner that he or she is any less or more?
03:17And treating the other person equal, fulfilling each other, as we call it, filling each other's bucket and living a purposeful life and getting along.
03:32In a mediocre level, we all cannot be you, for example, right?
03:37We all can be behind you maybe and that's why we are here and you are there.
03:40However, how do we live a life which is just fine, which is just fine?
03:48And that is my question to you.
03:51Why be related to anybody at all?
03:55Because we are social people.
03:56No, no, that means nothing.
03:58What do you mean by we are social people?
03:59Get to the root of this.
04:01Why to be related to anybody?
04:04Why?
04:07Because we are in one way or the other.
04:09We live under the same roof.
04:12We live with...
04:12Why do you live under the same roof?
04:13That's the question.
04:15Because we are born together maybe as siblings or we are...
04:21Even if you are born together as siblings, I mean, you do take your separate roots.
04:27I mean, why should one be related at all?
04:30Some are, they are...
04:34See, typically when we are in this domain, we are either talking of parent-child relationship
04:41or one's relationship with the spouse.
04:45Why is one related at all?
04:48Here is the human being, right?
04:50All questions are from the human being.
04:53All suffering belongs to the human being.
04:55All purpose, all direction, all journeys.
04:59They are relevant only to the human being, the individual.
05:02Why must the individual relate to the other?
05:07For companionship.
05:09What does it mean by that?
05:10Who is the individual?
05:12And what in the individual relates to the other?
05:16Sir, are we talking about...
05:17Are we talking about...
05:19About...
05:21I am talking about the individual.
05:25Here am I, right?
05:26Here am I.
05:27Why must I, or why do I relate to somebody?
05:34Because I am?
05:36Because I am looking for fulfillment.
05:38So, the question of relationship must start with the question of identity, right?
05:44Who am I?
05:45Who am I?
05:46And that will tell me why I relate to the other, right?
05:50Right?
05:51I don't...
05:51For example, right now, I am relating to all of us here.
05:56I am relating to you.
05:57I am not relating so much to the walls and the electronic equipment and other things.
06:01The vehicles parked outside.
06:03I am not even thinking of my friend standing here behind me.
06:08Right?
06:08Right?
06:08I am relating to you for a purpose.
06:14Correct?
06:15When we relate to each other, what is the purpose?
06:17Because we are creatures of purpose.
06:19Why do we relate to each other?
06:21You are born alone.
06:23Right?
06:24And there is a biological relationship one has with the mother and that relationship too.
06:28Say verse after a while.
06:31Why do I relate to somebody?
06:33What within me makes me relate to somebody?
06:35Yeah, but do I know that I need growth?
06:41Do I understand where I stand?
06:44Do I know where I stand and therefore do I know what the meaning of that growth is?
06:51I think this is need.
06:53The word is need here.
06:56So we are born unfulfilled.
06:59Aren't we?
07:00We are born unfulfilled.
07:03Unfulfilled.
07:04And that lack of fulfillment is an experience.
07:09We experience that we are unfulfilled.
07:12It's a very vague kind of thing.
07:14As vague as the responses we get when we ask why do we relate.
07:21These are vague responses.
07:22You know, we relate.
07:23There is something, something.
07:24There is no clarity there.
07:25But there is an experience there.
07:28There is a clear experience that one cannot invalidate.
07:31We do experience a certain hollowness, a lack of wholeness within.
07:38Something is amiss.
07:40Something is not right.
07:41That's the very definition of the human being.
07:46And I'm calling it definitive because that's something that we don't acquire.
07:50We are born with it.
07:52We might amplify it later but that's not called acquisition.
07:55That's amplification.
07:56We are born with this experience that something is not alright with me.
08:01We experience it but do we understand it?
08:05Because experiencing is not the same thing as understanding.
08:08You might experience you are having palpitations but do you understand what's happening?
08:17Do we understand?
08:19No.
08:20So there is a restlessness within.
08:24Emptiness within.
08:25Loneliness within.
08:26Loneliness within.
08:28But we don't understand what it is.
08:30But it's so very a thing of experience that we cannot deny it.
08:36And because you are experiencing it, it makes us do things.
08:41Just as when you have a severe headache, you might not know where it's coming from.
08:46What its origin is.
08:48But it will make you do things.
08:49And it can make you do very, very insane things.
08:52Stuff that is experienced but not understood can make us do insane things.
09:00Right?
09:03Just like, you know, when you are hurt in your little toe.
09:10Have you seen what you do?
09:12You are walking and you get hurt and there is something here.
09:16The leg of a table.
09:19What do you do?
09:22You scream and you run for a while.
09:25Sometimes.
09:26And then you hop around holding this in hand.
09:29That's what experience is making you do.
09:32And none of that amounts to any understanding of what is happening.
09:36Right?
09:37Right?
09:40Somebody comes and puts something on your shoulder from behind you.
09:46And you start running.
09:47Now, running will not help the situation.
09:51But you start running.
09:52Because you are experiencing and the experience is so overwhelming, so overpowering that it makes you suspend your realization, your faculties even more.
10:05That's what loneliness, emptiness, that void within makes us do.
10:11We don't understand it.
10:14Relationship is our way of filling up that void.
10:18Something is amiss.
10:21Can I get someone in my life to fill up that void?
10:27To fill up that void?
10:31It's the Brother Annyak Upanishad.
10:33Yaakival is speaking to Maitrei.
10:35O Maitrei, know that the wife relates to the husband, not for the sake of the husband, but for the sake of the self.
10:43All relationships, the wise ones have told us, are for our own sake.
10:54What's worse is that we do not know where our sake lies.
11:00We experience but we do not understand.
11:04So, we do not know where our real self-interests lie.
11:07So, what do we do?
11:08We do anything in random.
11:09When you do not know what you must do, you sometimes start doing, you often start doing, what everybody else is doing.
11:18That includes relating as well.
11:21And it's so prevalent, that we don't even feel like asking, why the hell am I doing this?
11:30Sometimes the body becomes overpowering, the physical needs.
11:36And sometimes the society overwhelms you.
11:39And then you start relating and doing things like staying under one roof and sleeping on the same bed.
11:45Without asking yourself, why the hell am I doing this?
11:48Not that we want to denounce that or condemn that.
11:54We just want to understand that.
11:56And that behavior arising out of an experience of hollowness, without any understanding of hollowness,
12:10that same behavior is reflected in our relationships with the entire universe.
12:19Why do you need one more pair of shoes?
12:25That too is a relationship.
12:28Why do you watch that particular comedy?
12:30That too is a relationship.
12:32Why do you espouse that particular ideology?
12:35Why do you vote for that party?
12:36That too is a relationship.
12:40We do not understand.
12:42But we operate on the basis of a vague feeling.
12:45I have a vague feeling.
12:46And that feeling is making me run.
12:51That feeling is making me run.
12:53That's our nemesis.
13:01Are you getting it?
13:05Why must I relate to the other?
13:09And then, there are those, like the gentleman Rishi I quoted,
13:15they too relate.
13:21He was a married sage.
13:24They too relate.
13:27But they do not relate from the point of their inner void.
13:33They relate because they are already fulfilled.
13:37And because they are already fulfilled.
13:39So now,
13:41they can operate in one of two ways.
13:44One,
13:44they can play around.
13:47I don't have anything to gain.
13:50I can just run around.
13:52Do you two want to run with me?
13:54Let's have fun.
13:55We won't gain anything from this.
13:58I'm not here to own your body or your emotions or your loyalty.
14:03We, the two of us, are together just to have some fun.
14:07So that's one way in which nothing is expected from the other
14:11because you are already complete in an inner way.
14:14And the other way is that of sharing, giving.
14:18I'm alright and I relate with you to share something that I have because I see that you are much the same being as I am.
14:29In terms of potential, there is no difference between you and me.
14:35So I relate to you.
14:37To share.
14:38Share not so that you can give me something, but because it becomes your nature to share.
14:47You have it, so you are sharing it.
14:49These are the only two healthy ways of relating to the other.
14:53Only two healthy ways.
14:55And in both of these ways, there is the nishkamta that Bhagavad Gita talks of.
15:04A lack of self-interest.
15:07We are together.
15:08Why?
15:09Well, we never thought of that.
15:11And that's beautiful.
15:13That's beautiful.
15:14We never thought of that because there is no self-interest involved here.
15:19It's just good fun being with this person.
15:21We are not here to bind each other and cage each other.
15:33We are just with each other.
15:36That justness.
15:37That's one of the most beautiful things in relationship.
15:39Justness.
15:42And the other thing is when you are there to radiate, to distribute, to share, to uplift, to help.
15:51But the normal kind of relationship belongs to neither of these types.
16:01The normal relationship is transactional.
16:03I am with you because I think there are certain things I can get from you and there are certain things I can trade with you.
16:12So in my perception, you use the word perception many times.
16:14So in my perception, I think that's a fair deal.
16:20I'm expecting certain things from you.
16:22You keep your side of the deal.
16:24And in return, these are the things that I'll provide you.
16:27That's my side.
16:27And I think that puts us as equals.
16:35No, no, that's not something that he might be expecting.
16:39The fact is, in a relationship, what we expect from the other can never materialize.
16:50Because somebody said, we have a God-sized hole in our heart.
16:58The size of hole in the heart, enormous.
17:09And the other one, irrespective of who the other one is, as a human being, the other one is too small, too petty, to fill up that vacancy.
17:18He'll never suffice.
17:22He will never succeed.
17:23And when he'll not succeed, then you'll be angry and disillusioned and disappointed and violent.
17:31Because that's always the hidden expectation.
17:34This fellow will enter my life and make it blossom.
17:37Nobody can make your life blossom.
17:39Only your own understanding can help you.
17:45The other fellow could not make his own life blossom.
17:47How will he help you?
17:52I often say, the operator in relationships is not plus, but multiplication.
18:00Not addition, but multiplication.
18:02We experience an incompleteness.
18:08The other one is incomplete as well.
18:11So, we presume that half plus half will become one.
18:18We do not understand that the operator is multiplicative.
18:22It actually becomes half multiplied by half, equaling one by four.
18:26You are worse off after the relationship.
18:28What you expect from the other can never, never materialize.
18:35Because you are expecting the impossible.
18:39What you want from the other is something only you can deliver to yourself.
18:44Only you can deliver that to yourself.
18:46The other is in no position.
18:51But the other bears the brunt of our expectations.
18:53And often, when we strike a relationship, we do not even take the other's consent.
19:04Do we actually list down all that we expect from the other and get his signature?
19:10No.
19:12The fact is, if you were to honestly list down what you are secretly desiring from the other,
19:17the relationship would be aborted right in the beginning.
19:20The fellow will say, this is what you are planning.
19:25You evil one.
19:28Outwardly, you are saying, no, no, no, you know, the two of us, we will do great things to each other.
19:32But inwardly, there is subconscious plan being hatched.
19:37And when the plan is foiled, then there is anger.
19:42That's what happens.
19:43And both the parties are victims.
19:49If you play the victim, you are not wrong.
19:55You are just telling half the story.
19:59The fact is, both of you are both victims and victimizers.
20:04Because both of you are equally ignorant beings.
20:15How can, I'm asking you please, how can anything that starts with lack of clarity be good or auspicious for you?
20:26It does not just start from a point of lack of clarity.
20:35All its duration, it runs its course in ignorance and vagueness.
20:41How can it bring goodness to anybody?
20:53Be it a father-son relationship, a mother-daughter relationship, or siblings, or just friends, or spouses.
21:04Because, I mean, the first thing that you need is clarity within yourself.
21:14Otherwise, your very touch will be destructive.
21:18You might keep saying, I love my kid.
21:21But if you are an ignorant parent, your love will be very harmful to your kid.
21:26Like you said, all these lovely and nice sounding things that we were told.
21:34We found that life doesn't work like that.
21:37No, that's the point.
21:38You become a parent at 25, 30, 35.
21:42And you are very ignorant at that age.
21:45And then you start preaching to your kids.
21:48Are you even entitled to teach anything to your kid?
21:52What do you know in life?
21:54Why are you teaching your kids?
21:56Why did you beget kids, first of all?
22:00When you don't know anything about life.
22:03Who entitled you to become a mother or a father?
22:08And on top of that, now you are trying to become the guru.
22:14And telling things like, you know,
22:15You know, good will be good.
22:18You have never done anything.
22:20You have never done anything.
22:20You have never done anything.
22:26It's bad if it disappoints us.
22:36But the fundamental thing is knowing yourself.
22:40If you do not know yourself,
22:42there is no way your relationship with anybody
22:44or anything or a thought or ideology
22:47or history or future will ever be healthy.
22:50It is not going to be possible.
22:53An ignorant person
22:55is a dangerous thing
22:57made even more dangerous
23:01by a relationship.
23:08An ignorant person,
23:09even if he is walking alone on a road,
23:11is a dangerous thing.
23:13What if you bring that person to your bedroom?
23:20How does it matter you start calling him
23:22your husband or wife?
23:24He has remained equally ignorant
23:26or does wedding change things so much?
23:28It doesn't.
23:30Very stupidly, you can go round and round the fire.
23:32How will that change anything within?
23:34This person who does not know
23:42how to choose, for example,
23:46an educational stream.
23:49This person does not know
23:50how to choose
23:51a leader
23:53to look up to or follow.
23:56How will this person choose
23:58a partner to spend life with?
24:00I am asking you.
24:01Please tell me.
24:01He does not know
24:04how to make choices
24:05because he does not know
24:06the person
24:07who is making the choice.
24:09He does not know himself.
24:11Therefore, he does not know
24:12what is good for him or her.
24:15And this person makes
24:16a de facto irreversible choice
24:19and says,
24:20no, no, no, no.
24:21And then he says,
24:22you know,
24:23life is such a melancholy tale.
24:27And he writes poems in his tears
24:29and says,
24:30yeah, I am a good man.
24:31But life has not been fair to me.
24:34The only goodness
24:35is clarity.
24:38Did you ever try to understand?
24:40No.
24:41You spent your life
24:43based on your experiences,
24:45feelings and emotions.
24:47Never having the courage
24:48to look into
24:50their genesis,
24:52their entire process,
24:53where they come from
24:54and how heavily
24:55they are influenced
24:56by your hormones
24:57and the social systems.
25:00And you said,
25:01this just because
25:02I am feeling something,
25:03it is the truth.
25:05Just because I feel like
25:07saying something,
25:07I agree,
25:09I disagree.
25:11Do you even understand
25:12what you are saying?
25:13before speaking to the other,
25:16would you mind
25:17speaking to yourself first?
25:22Before proposing to the other,
25:24would you mind
25:25loving yourself first?
25:30Too much to ask.
25:32No.
25:32No.
25:32I love you all.
25:39I love chicken as well.
25:44That's the quality of our love.
25:46I love you.
25:48It's such a dangerous statement.
25:53Just two minutes back,
25:55I heard him saying,
25:56I love Matan.
25:57And now he is saying,
25:58I love you.
26:00Run.
26:00Run.
26:01Run.
26:02Run.
26:03Run.
26:07His love is
26:08another name
26:10for brutal desire.
26:14No?
26:18It was this song,
26:19I love the shape of you.
26:20And when you are out of shape,
26:34then you come to Acharya Prashant.
26:39Talking of lovelessness in life.
26:41Yes.
26:50You have allowed me to hurt you,
26:52no?
26:55I do feel sorry for that,
27:02but please,
27:04continue allowing me.
27:07The day I feel you,
27:09you,
27:10no more,
27:12are game for it,
27:13I'll stop.
27:13I do feel sorry for that,
27:14I'll stop.
27:15I do feel sorry for that,
27:15I'll stop.
27:16I do feel sorry for that,
27:17I'll stop.
27:17I do feel sorry for that,
27:17I'll stop.
27:18I do feel sorry for that,
27:18I'll stop.
27:19I do feel sorry for that,
27:20I'll stop.
27:20I do feel sorry for that,
27:21I'll stop.
27:21I do feel sorry for that,
27:22I'll stop.
27:22I do feel sorry for that,
27:23I'll stop.
27:23I do feel sorry for that,
27:24I'll stop.
27:24I do feel sorry for that,
27:25I do feel sorry for that,
27:26I do feel sorry for that,
27:27I do feel sorry for that,
27:28I do feel sorry for that,
27:29I do feel sorry for that,
27:30I do feel sorry for that,
27:31I do feel sorry for that,
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