00:00Heather McMahon!
00:06You can't even, as a woman these days,
00:08be honest about how you feel about yourself, right?
00:11We have all gotten to that point
00:13when we have hit our emergency weight.
00:15For those of y'all who don't know what emergency weight is,
00:17you're naturally thin and everyone fucking hates you.
00:22I want to paint a picture of what baby Heather looked like, okay?
00:26I'd always wear my dad hand-me-down golf shirts
00:28just like tucked into the front.
00:30I'd wear a sensible velcro sandal
00:32in case they'd like take off after my mom at Costco.
00:36I really solidified the look when I went to Great Clips one summer
00:39and I saw my stylish Trish and I just go,
00:41Trish, I want you to get out the buzzers
00:44and hit the nape of my neck.
00:49I want to feel that sweet Georgia heat just running down my spine.
00:54I love a wide vagina joke, you know what I mean?
00:57Because at the end of the day, you can't really have a wide vagina,
01:01but you can have a tiny dick.
01:08Not you, sir.
01:09You got a big dick.
01:10You got a big dick.
01:11You got a big dick.
01:12Only big dicks in my audience.
01:14I-just-y-dicks.
01:15Yeah.
01:16Yes!
01:18Hi, feelin' the fuck up!
01:19Thank you!
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