00:00So before we get into your whole, like, origin in the industry, I want to go further back to when you first had feelings that you were trans.
00:07Can you tell us a little bit about that?
00:08Yeah, so I'd say, like, the earliest moment is, like, kindergarten.
00:12I think I was maybe, like, four.
00:14I was born in November, so I was, like, the cutoff.
00:17So my mom put me in early.
00:19So I remember I had, like, pink scissors and a Barbie backpack, and I, like, always hung out with the girls.
00:27I never wanted to play any of the kickball or handball or whatever those stupid things were.
00:33I always, like, wanted to play, like, with the girls.
00:35And I don't know.
00:36I kept getting called, like, these, like, mean names since kindergarten, and I didn't know what it meant.
00:42Like, I just knew, like, I knew what I liked.
00:45So I think I've always known since a young age.
00:49That's just the earliest memory I have.
00:51I've always liked girly things.
00:54I always wanted Barbies, played with Barbies.
00:57And I had them at home.
00:59Like, my aunt.
01:00I grew up with my aunt and my grandma.
01:02So they would let me do all that, but, like, behind closed doors.
01:07So my mom and my dad, like, were not into that.
01:10They would kind of take me away from that and dress me in baggy clothes and kind of, like, mask it.
01:17But just, like, the way I acted and the way I was, like, everybody.
01:21Even if I was in a baggy skater outfit, people knew, you know?
01:25Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:25So you said that you lived with your aunt and your grandmother mostly?
01:30Yeah.
01:31So my parents had me in high school.
01:33Oh.
01:33So they were very young, and they obviously didn't make it, you know?
01:37So I don't ever remember them being together ever.
01:40So my grandma and my aunt lived with my grandma.
01:43She was, like, 14 at the time.
01:44So she was, like, watching me while my grandma was working and then.
01:49Okay.
01:49Yeah.
01:50So do you think that they were more accepting of you than your parents were?
01:54Definitely.
01:55Yeah, they would definitely buy me Barbies.
01:57And I remember I did gymnastics.
02:00My whole family did gymnastics.
02:01But I didn't like doing the guy events.
02:03Like, I didn't want to do parallel bars.
02:05I didn't want to do high bar.
02:06And I just remember, like, being at the gym, my mom was a gymnastics coach.
02:12So she would just kind of take me there to basically be, like, free babysitting.
02:17But I would always be, like, on the beam.
02:18And I would always get yelled at, say, like, get off the beam or stuff like that.
02:23Because girls aren't supposed to be on the beam.
02:26Girls are.
02:26Yeah.
02:27Okay.
02:27But they all had leotards growing up.
02:30So I remember, like, my grandma would, like, show me all my mom's stuff.
02:33And, like, she was a cheerleader and things like that.
02:35So I'd always, like, put on her, like, cheerleading outfits at home.
02:37And they were so big, I'd use, like, a hair scrunchie and, like, scrunchie all up in the back.
02:42And do my little gymnastics team with, or gymnastics floor routine with, like, music.
02:46Because guys don't use music for floor.
02:50Okay.
02:50So I would just put on music that I liked and do my little tumbling down the hallway.
02:55Yeah.
02:56Wow.
02:57But I always knew.
02:58You always knew.
02:59So how did your, like, grandmother explain to you why you had to keep it behind closed doors?
03:05Like, did she communicate it to you in a way where she was, like, I'm just trying to protect you from what you're going to deal with in the outside world?
03:12I don't think she really did.
03:14She kind of had my mom do it.
03:16So she had my mom put me in boxing.
03:18So I was in boxing in, like, third grade because I picked Irish dancing.
03:23So I did Irish dancing and gymnastics at a very young age.
03:26And my whole family wanted me to do gymnastics because my whole family did it.
03:31And I loved gymnastics, but I hated all the guy events.
03:36So I chose dance.
03:38And my mom, like, really hated that.
03:39Yeah, no.
03:40So I was just asking because, so your grandmother let you do stuff behind closed doors.
03:44But then, like, was there a way to.
03:46She just didn't want me to get, like, beat up.
03:47Okay.
03:47Because, like, I was, like, growing up in the 90s.
03:50So, like, back then, like, nobody knew about, like, trans or maybe not, like, there was just not talked about, you know?
03:57And if it was, it was very hidden.
03:59And where I grew up was very, like, very white community where, like, there wasn't really any other culture.
04:07It was just, like, rednecks.
04:10Yeah.
04:11Trailer trash.
04:12And that's kind of, like, where I came from, you know?
04:13So it was just, like, she just didn't want me to get beat up or get hurt.
04:17So they kind of put me in, like, boxing just to, like, have that, like, safety.
04:21Oh, so that you could defend yourself.
04:23Yeah.
04:24But, I mean, like, kind of getting a little bit older, they were just kind of, like, I'm just going through a phase is what my mom would say.
04:32Like, I'm just going through a phase and I'll get over it.
04:36Like, she really wanted me to get married to, like, a girl and, like, wanted me to marry, like, our next-door neighbor.
04:40Like, the whole, like, you know, small-town American, like, thing.
04:44And I was just, like, that's not going to happen.
04:47But, yeah, I don't think they really kind of, like, cared too much as long as I was safe.
04:56Yeah.
04:57They probably also didn't know how to – because there's a lot of conversation now around it, but there wasn't back then.
05:02Yeah, I just don't think they knew what to do.
05:04What to do.
05:04Like, nobody's ever been in that position before.
05:07Like, I was my mom's first kid.
05:08She was super young.
05:09You know, my dad wasn't there.
05:10And then my grandma was, like, what the fuck?
05:13But, like, she was just, like, as long as you're happy, like, and you're not hurting anybody, like, do you?
05:19Yeah.
05:19That's great to have at least somebody who was kind of aligned on your side in that way.
05:23Yeah, no.
05:24They definitely were supportive.
05:26And kind of through the whole, like, transition, like, everything, they've always been very supportive.
05:31So I've been very lucky.
05:32And I see it, like, now that she was just, like, trying to protect me putting in these masculine clothes.
05:38Because if I wasn't acting that way, at least I would look that way.
05:41Just because I remember going to restaurants at, like, five, six years old.
05:44And I'd be like, oh, your daughter's so pretty.
05:46And my mom's like, that's my son.
05:48Like, you know?
05:48Like, so I think she would just kind of protect me in that aspect.
05:54But I didn't really, like, I guess it helped in, like, a certain way.
05:57Because I didn't really get, I got beat up maybe once.
05:59But, like, you know, other than that, it was just name calling.
06:05Which couldn't have felt good.
06:07No, I literally had to switch schools every single year.
06:09Because I just, I didn't know.
06:11You know, like, I didn't know what this, I know what it meant.
06:13But, like, I was like, I'm not like that.
06:15Like, I like guys.
06:16But, you know, I didn't understand it.
06:18Yeah.
06:19It's kind of like a mindfuck for everybody, I guess.
Be the first to comment