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00:00:00Demi, you're easily the most spectacular person I've ever met.
00:00:07Thank you for saying that, guy from Hot Ones.
00:00:10A writer, a director, the most celebrated recording artist of all time.
00:00:15I mean, what can I say, Mr. Hot Ones? I got music in my soul.
00:00:19You can call me Sean.
00:00:20I don't want to.
00:00:22You've climbed mountains, you've stopped wars.
00:00:24Is it true you were the real-life inspiration for the character of James Bond?
00:00:28That is true, but I asked them to change the color of his skin, so little white boys had someone to look up to.
00:00:35So I think I speak for all of your adoring fans when I say we want to know the real Demi.
00:00:40What can you tell us about your real life?
00:00:43You know, that's a great question, Mr. Ones, and I'ma answer it right after eating the spiciest wing ever created.
00:00:52Wow, no milk or nothing.
00:00:54Milk is for babies, Mr. Ones.
00:00:57I'm a grown-ass man.
00:00:58One, two, three, four.
00:01:09When I was just a wee little boy, I had a crush on a girl at my school.
00:01:27I asked her to come over and play some games, and she turned me down, but she gave me no reason.
00:01:34The lack of reason made me spiral with thoughts about which of my flaws could have turned her off.
00:01:40Maybe I'm ugly, or me, or maybe I smell like pee, because I was still pissing my pants at the time.
00:01:46Five years later, I'm grown.
00:01:49I'm nice now, and I'm hot from the Ozempic.
00:01:53And also, I don't piss my pants anymore.
00:01:56I won't go into details, but the piss thing is all sorted out.
00:01:59I asked my crush on a date, and again she said,
00:02:03No!
00:02:03Still with no reason.
00:02:05That's when I got down on my knees, and I asked,
00:02:08God, what must I do?
00:02:10And God said...
00:02:11Danny, this is the voice of God speaking.
00:02:14God is a woman.
00:02:16I see why you might think that.
00:02:17But I don't really have a gender, because there's only one of me.
00:02:20So the binary doesn't exist.
00:02:21So God is a non-binary person?
00:02:23Okay, stop talking.
00:02:24Danny, you did you read it?
00:02:38He's going to do one single bad friend.
00:02:42The only way that I can finally find my true love is for me to have a...
00:02:47Wait, no, sorry, stop.
00:02:49No, stop dancing.
00:02:50Cut the music.
00:02:51You're not even...
00:02:52Okay, sorry.
00:02:53Sorry.
00:02:55We taped this seat off so that my crush could sit there.
00:02:57I don't...
00:02:58Sorry to interrupt everyone.
00:03:00Hey, I didn't get a chance to tell you before the show,
00:03:03but your crush didn't show up, so we did have to release her seat.
00:03:06Sorry about that.
00:03:08No, we're not...
00:03:14We're not doing that now, obviously.
00:03:15Don't...
00:03:16Okay, get the fuck out of here.
00:03:17Don't...
00:03:18You're not in the right order either, fucking...
00:03:20Fucking fiver.
00:03:24Uh, okay.
00:03:27I...
00:03:27Sorry.
00:03:29No, that's the theater manager.
00:03:31That's Miss Allison Dusty.
00:03:32Oh, I'm sorry.
00:03:33Uh, sorry.
00:03:35Des...
00:03:35Destry.
00:03:36Destry.
00:03:36Destry.
00:03:37Sorry.
00:03:37Allison Destry.
00:03:37Allison Destry.
00:03:38Sorry.
00:03:38That's...
00:03:39I'm so sorry.
00:03:39Miss Allison Destry.
00:03:41Uh, yeah.
00:03:41Give her a hand.
00:03:43Yeah.
00:03:43Uh, it's okay.
00:03:45Uh, hey, Demi.
00:03:46Uh, now that I have you, though, we have your phone backstage and you are getting a phone call.
00:03:51Do you want us to pick it up?
00:03:52Yes.
00:03:52Uh, yes.
00:03:53Uh, yeah.
00:03:54Sorry.
00:03:54I think she's saying that she's running away.
00:03:56Yeah.
00:03:56Patch her through.
00:04:00Demi, it's me.
00:04:03I don't...
00:04:04Sorry.
00:04:04I don't know who this is.
00:04:06Wally Sean.
00:04:10The...
00:04:11The character actor Wally...
00:04:12Like the Princess Bride guy?
00:04:15As well as other things.
00:04:16My Dinner with Andre.
00:04:17The Incredibles.
00:04:19My Young Sheldon.
00:04:20Merit Story.
00:04:21Toy Story.
00:04:21Toy Story 2.
00:04:22Yeah, I get...
00:04:23Toy Story 3.
00:04:23Yeah, the Toy Stories.
00:04:24Okay, is there a...
00:04:25Sorry, is that a...
00:04:26There's a lot of noise where you are.
00:04:27What's going on right now?
00:04:29Oh, yeah.
00:04:30Sorry about that.
00:04:31Tonight's the biggest party of the year.
00:04:33It's the 37th annual Wally Sean block party.
00:04:36You say 37th annual Wally Sean block party?
00:04:40Yeah, everybody's here.
00:04:42The cast of the Princess Bride.
00:04:43The cast of my Dinner with Andre.
00:04:45Okay.
00:04:45Yeah, your cast.
00:04:46I got it.
00:04:46I get it.
00:04:47Everyone you know is there.
00:04:48That's very cool.
00:04:49I think your crush is here, too.
00:04:50Are you...
00:04:53Uh, she is?
00:04:55She said you're doing some sort of special show.
00:04:59Yeah, I'm doing a show.
00:05:00Yeah, it's...
00:05:00I'm doing a show where I'm going to do a backflip,
00:05:02and I wanted her to be here so she could see me do the fucking flip.
00:05:05Why is she at the Wally Sean block party?
00:05:07Wow, that's a huge feat.
00:05:11I wish I could be there to see it.
00:05:13Anyway, I gotta go.
00:05:14Swiss Beats is about to do a duet of Island in the Stream with Roger Deakins.
00:05:18Did you say Swiss Beats and Roger Deakins?
00:05:25Call ended.
00:05:28So he didn't invite me to the party.
00:05:30He was just telling me that it's happening.
00:05:32Okay.
00:05:35Uh...
00:05:35I'm sorry.
00:05:36I'm sorry.
00:05:36I didn't want to...
00:05:37This is a weird way to start the show.
00:05:39Let me just explain.
00:05:40My crush says this thing sometimes about how she thinks it's cool when men can do backflips.
00:05:45So I was like, well, I'm going to surprise her by just sort of popping off the perfect backflip during the show.
00:05:50But then I told the theater about it, and they were like, that's great.
00:05:52What are the other 59 minutes of the show?
00:05:54So I came up with a system.
00:05:56And tonight, my plan was to not only do a flip, but also do something that I have dubbed...
00:06:01Oh, shit.
00:06:07It's not fucking quick.
00:06:10I hate this stupid fucking laptop.
00:06:12Yeah, we'll do that again.
00:06:13Okay.
00:06:13So what I was going to say is I'm not only going to do a flip.
00:06:15I'm also going to do what I've dubbed a flip, which is a system of five different things that you can do to impress someone.
00:06:22Six, if you include the exclamation mark, that's the flip.
00:06:25I do wish that she was here for it, but I feel like I'm just going to go ahead and do it anyway.
00:06:29The first thing you're going to want to do for this system is you want to A, analyze the present.
00:06:35You've got to show your crush that you know what's going on in the world, that you're up to date on current events.
00:06:39But you have to do it in a way that is interesting.
00:06:41And it's got to be exciting.
00:06:42It's got to be fun.
00:06:42And most importantly, it has to be unique.
00:06:45It has to be something no one's done before.
00:06:47And then I came up with a pretty fucking good idea.
00:06:50You guys know that song, We Didn't Start the Fire?
00:06:53How come no one's ever updated that song to talk about things going on right now?
00:07:06So tonight, I'm about to be the first person in history to update We Didn't Start the Fire with current events.
00:07:17Check this shit out.
00:07:21Kaitlyn Clark, Angel Reeves, global temperature increase.
00:07:24Kim Jong-un and Putin ride, ticket master sued.
00:07:28Taylor Billy, Chapel Roan, spin-off show for Game of Thrones.
00:07:31Demi walking to his car, inside out too.
00:07:39These happened recently.
00:07:41Timberlake, DUI.
00:07:42Demi stopped by random guy.
00:07:44Red Lobster bankruptcy guy says,
00:07:46Demi, hey, it's me.
00:07:47Eagles win the big game.
00:07:49Demi can't recall his name.
00:07:50Guy looks mad.
00:07:51Demi runs.
00:07:52Elon is a Nazi.
00:07:54Elon's got the fire.
00:07:56He's a bastard song from all my very true.
00:08:00He made any names.
00:08:03So I made an update with car in practices.
00:08:07Earthquakes, hurricanes, Paris hosts Olympic Games.
00:08:10Demi can't get to his car.
00:08:12The guy is right in front.
00:08:13Demi turns and then he gasps.
00:08:15I see somebody selling masks.
00:08:17Kind of like Tom Cruise has when he's playing Ethan Hunt.
00:08:20Young Thug has a RICO case.
00:08:22Demi buys a random face.
00:08:23He walks to his Subaru.
00:08:25Guy says, oh my God, it's you.
00:08:26Zendaya and Timothy.
00:08:28Guy says, he's in love with me.
00:08:30Asked me out on a date.
00:08:31Nervous.
00:08:32So I said, yes.
00:08:33We did start the fire.
00:08:35Yes.
00:08:36As a list of moments, I would shake the air up.
00:08:39But I would think he's all different.
00:08:41I rewrote the lyrics and that's so novel.
00:08:46Kendrick drops a drape, this Lord and Charlie remix.
00:08:49Bridge collapse in Baltimore, we're sitting on his back porch.
00:08:52Talking about the olden days, I'm the one that got away.
00:08:56I still do not know his name.
00:08:57I just call him Big Dog.
00:08:59We can't start the fire.
00:09:02Now it's time for Demi and his crush to pull.
00:09:05Oh, what a lovely moment.
00:09:07She wouldn't dance like that.
00:09:10She dances different.
00:09:12Luca Doncic turns LeBron.
00:09:14Hours later, date's still on.
00:09:16Conversations getting deep.
00:09:17Then he turns and faces me.
00:09:19He looks sad and starts to cry.
00:09:20Now I feel bad for the guy.
00:09:22I reach out to comfort him.
00:09:24He says, wait, black skin.
00:09:25Will Smith come back?
00:09:27I forgot my hand is black.
00:09:28Biden mumbles Trump lies.
00:09:30He rips off my disguise.
00:09:32Oscars, Tonys, BET.
00:09:33Guy is mad to learn it's me.
00:09:35I say that this is only work because he took me on a date but asked me no questions.
00:09:38We didn't stop the fire.
00:09:41But I made a parody about the present.
00:09:45Nobody else has done this.
00:09:48Did not check the Google.
00:09:49First in history.
00:09:51Phone alarm starts to ring.
00:09:53Fuck, it's time for me to leave.
00:09:54I tell him sorry and goodbye.
00:09:56I'm doing the show tonight.
00:09:58Accidentally knocked my drink.
00:09:59Made it spill all over me.
00:10:01He says, laughing hard as hell.
00:10:02The crowd don't think you pissed yourself.
00:10:04I say, they might think it's come.
00:10:06He says, only if they're dumb.
00:10:08First of all, it's not that thick.
00:10:09And second, there's too much of it.
00:10:11Getting stressed.
00:10:12Show is near.
00:10:13Then I have a bright idea.
00:10:14Mentioned in my intro that I do not piss my pants now.
00:10:17We didn't stop the fire.
00:10:20And we also did this occurring house hit.
00:10:24Also, I found his in stuff.
00:10:27And I learned his name turns out.
00:10:29It's all so damn.
00:10:31Okay, so that's what's going on in the world nowadays.
00:10:35Now, the second thing you're going to want to do in this system is F.
00:10:38You're going to want to move on to flaunting your knowledge.
00:10:41You got to show your crush that as much as you know about the world,
00:10:44there's also something you know about that's special.
00:10:45Something artful.
00:10:46Something beautiful to you.
00:10:47Something you're an expert in.
00:10:48And I was like, well, I want to share that with the audience.
00:10:50I want to show you all that I'm an expert in something artful.
00:10:52And I was trying to think of what that was.
00:10:54And then I realized there's something I love more than anything in the world,
00:10:56more than anyone in the world.
00:10:57So tonight, I'd like to teach you all a little bit about the art of...
00:11:05Jazz.
00:11:12I love jazz.
00:11:14I live jazz, all right?
00:11:15I eat jazz.
00:11:16I breathe jazz.
00:11:17I sleep jazz.
00:11:18I don't even bleed blood anymore, you know?
00:11:20I jizz jazz.
00:11:22And sometimes I talk about this and people look at me a little confused.
00:11:24They're like, Demi, what's jazz?
00:11:26Let me give it to you straight, all right?
00:11:27I'm a jazz head.
00:11:28I know a little bit about this shit.
00:11:29Jazz is bad.
00:11:35Jazz is garbage music for boring people.
00:11:39Jazz is the exclusive listening choice of sociopaths.
00:11:42And I know how people react when I say this.
00:11:44And I'm going to ask you something, and I still want you to be honest, right?
00:11:46I'd like to get a show of hands from you all.
00:11:48Who here likes jazz?
00:11:51No, see, all your hands should be up,
00:11:52because the truth is everybody likes jazz.
00:11:54Everybody loves jazz.
00:11:56If you think you don't like jazz,
00:11:57think about whether you don't like yourself.
00:11:58It's the pill and the applesauce.
00:11:59It's the root of all the music we've ever fucking enjoyed, okay?
00:12:02Let's do a little test, all right?
00:12:04Raise your hands if you like Beyoncé, huh?
00:12:06Oh, way more hands.
00:12:07That's weird.
00:12:08All of you like jazz.
00:12:12Do me a quick favor.
00:12:13Raise your hands if you like Kendrick Lamar.
00:12:15Yeah, well, all of you like jazz.
00:12:19All right, raise your hands for me if you like the sounds of Radiohead.
00:12:23Well, all of you...
00:12:24No?
00:12:26No, you don't have...
00:12:26Oh, just...
00:12:27Okay.
00:12:28That's fine.
00:12:29The rest of you like jazz.
00:12:34Wait, uh, you seem like hesitant.
00:12:35Is it like you're...
00:12:36They're fine to...
00:12:38Sure, sure.
00:12:41But the music...
00:12:42All right.
00:12:43All right.
00:12:51But like...
00:12:52Like...
00:12:53Like, you listen to their albums, right?
00:12:56I have.
00:12:56And they're fine?
00:13:10There's...
00:13:10You don't...
00:13:11There's not like a...
00:13:12You don't think they have any perfect albums?
00:13:16That's it?
00:13:19Okay, I just want to...
00:13:20They're one of the greatest bands in the fucking world.
00:13:22And it's crazy.
00:13:22Can you just sit here and tell me they're fine?
00:13:24If you listen to everything, then how can you say they're fine?
00:13:26I think you actually like them.
00:13:27I think you're scared how much you love Radiohead.
00:13:28Hey, Demi.
00:13:29Hey.
00:13:30Just reminding you, we only have one hour in the theater.
00:13:33And you probably don't want to spend that talking about Radiohead.
00:13:37So, yeah.
00:13:39I would love to, actually, but...
00:13:46It's fucking...
00:13:47It's slow.
00:13:48I don't...
00:13:49God damn it.
00:13:54They're great.
00:13:58They're really good.
00:13:59Okay, let's talk about jazz in the visual sense.
00:14:01Because it's not just about the music.
00:14:02It's about the way that people see it.
00:14:04There's a painting of a Cajun musician in the 1920s that I think is one of the best representations
00:14:08of jazz.
00:14:09If you look at his body, it tells one story.
00:14:11There's a lot of color.
00:14:11There's a lot of angles.
00:14:12It's bouncy.
00:14:13It's jovial.
00:14:13He's happy.
00:14:14His face says something different.
00:14:16These droopy eyelids, this sort of monochromatic smile.
00:14:19There's a sadness there as well.
00:14:20How could those two things coexist?
00:14:22Jazz is the way they coexist.
00:14:23Jazz is the space between.
00:14:24It's the way you make happy through the sad times.
00:14:26It's the light you bring to the darkness.
00:14:28I do love talking about this image so much.
00:14:30It might be a little hard to see, but you're very lucky.
00:14:32You live in a place where you can go see it for yourself personally.
00:14:34All you've got to do is go to any Popeye's chicken nationwide.
00:14:38It's right there on the wall.
00:14:39Next to a chicken playing the salt shaker.
00:14:41I would love to talk a little bit about jazz in film.
00:14:44Because I think there's a very popular movie about jazz.
00:14:48And I think it's one of the best depictions of jazz.
00:14:49I love it.
00:14:50And I think it deserved every award it was nominated for.
00:14:52If you've got a guess, you can shout it out.
00:14:55No.
00:14:56Another guess.
00:14:59What?
00:15:00Not soul.
00:15:01Not whiplash.
00:15:03Fuck this.
00:15:04It's Spider-Man 3.
00:15:05This scene in Spider-Man 3 is one of the best depictions of jazz we've ever got.
00:15:12Because it shows that jazz is not just about the way you play music.
00:15:15It's about the way you take up space.
00:15:16All right?
00:15:17Jazz is dancing on chairs and tabletops.
00:15:20Jazz is going to your ex-girlfriend's place of business during working hours to harass her.
00:15:25Jazz is letting an alien symbiote come down from outer space to take over your personality
00:15:28until you're a little bit of an asshole.
00:15:30It's all these things.
00:15:32And when I talk about that, people are like, that's not what they're doing with this scene.
00:15:34These filmmakers aren't trying to depict jazz.
00:15:36And if that's true, then I ask, why is there this beautiful little Easter egg in this scene?
00:15:39If you look closely, you'll see a neon sign that simply says jazz.
00:15:42I mentioned a little thing about an alien symbiote coming down from outer space to take over your personality.
00:15:49And sometimes people are like, well, I don't have access to that.
00:15:51You can actually just get that effect in other ways.
00:15:53All you've got to do is just smoke a bunch of cigarettes.
00:15:54It's kind of the same thing.
00:15:55And look, I'm going to be honest.
00:15:56There's no kids here.
00:15:58You can tell the truth.
00:15:59It's just us.
00:16:01Smoking is cool.
00:16:06All right.
00:16:08Let's talk about jazz in the musical sense, the way that most people know it.
00:16:11Now, in order to teach you all about jazz, I've composed this little song.
00:16:14It's called Now This Is Jazz.
00:16:16And I want to tell you this ahead of time because lyrically, jazz is for idiots.
00:16:19You don't want to have lyrics that are complicated.
00:16:21The lyrics should always just be variations on the words that you see in the title.
00:16:25So the lyrics you'd have to know to this, if you want to sing along, it would be the words
00:16:28now, this, is, and jazz in different orders.
00:16:31Now that you know that, this is jazz.
00:16:34You want to start some percussion.
00:16:36Very light, nothing too crazy.
00:16:38Then you want to layer it right on top of itself.
00:16:40Yeah, now you add a cool-ass bass line.
00:16:46This is my favorite part.
00:16:47You want to do something called the piano tickling.
00:16:49You play the piano very light, just like this.
00:16:50Just like, very light.
00:16:52Don't even, don't even look at it.
00:16:54Who cares?
00:16:56See?
00:16:57Yeah, I'll give you three notes.
00:16:57Just like a, pretty good.
00:16:59Now, horns.
00:17:02I like a little more horns.
00:17:04Yeah!
00:17:05All right.
00:17:06Now, it's jazz time.
00:17:07What is jazz?
00:17:08This is jazz.
00:17:09Well, what is jazz?
00:17:10This is jazz.
00:17:11What is this?
00:17:12Jazz is.
00:17:13Is that true, Yoda?
00:17:14Jazz is.
00:17:15When is jazz?
00:17:16Now is jazz.
00:17:17When is now?
00:17:18This is jazz.
00:17:19What was the, he was the name of the Fresh Prince's best friend, what was it?
00:17:22Jazz.
00:17:23Okay.
00:17:24If you ever forget the lyrics, you can just do something called scatting.
00:17:26So what you say was on the top of your head, very rhythmically, it's very easy.
00:17:29We'll do it together.
00:17:30I'm going to give you a couple of beats, and I'm going to pass the mic on to you.
00:17:32You want to scat with me?
00:17:33It's going to be easy.
00:17:34Don't freak out.
00:17:34I got this.
00:17:35Skibbidi-bop-bop, shoo-bop-a-doobbidi-bop-bop.
00:17:38Come on, and give me some scatting.
00:17:40Skibbidi-bop-bop-boob.
00:17:42Bebidi-bop-bop.
00:17:43Pretty good.
00:17:43Skibbidi-bop-bop, shoo-bop-a-dibbidi-bop.
00:17:45Come on, give me some scatting now.
00:17:48Do-ba-da-do-ba-ba-ba-doob-da-ba-ba.
00:17:49Shoo-ba-da-ba-ba-da-ba.
00:17:51Loving it.
00:17:51Skibbidi-bop-bop-boob-bop.
00:17:53Dibbidi-bop-bop-bop-bop.
00:17:54Drew, come give it to me.
00:17:55Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-bop.
00:17:58Dabba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
00:17:59Love it.
00:17:59Skibbidi-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop.
00:18:01Come on, can I get some scatting from you, brother?
00:18:03Cheating on my wife.
00:18:04Cheating on my wife.
00:18:05I'm here on a date tonight, cheating on my wife.
00:18:09That's, no, that's a joke, right?
00:18:11That wouldn't, that's not true.
00:18:13Yes, it is.
00:18:14I'm cheating on my wife.
00:18:18Okay, I, so top of the mind, you can make up any, you, okay.
00:18:22Making jazz is easy to do.
00:18:24Anybody can do it.
00:18:25If you really want to, you can do it in the night.
00:18:27You can do it in the morning.
00:18:28But you always want to end with some freak that horn.
00:18:30So hit me now one time.
00:18:32Hit me now two times.
00:18:34And now scat.
00:18:34I'm here tonight, cheating on my husband.
00:18:52Don't sit in the front row.
00:18:53Love is love.
00:18:59Love is love.
00:19:00All right.
00:19:01So after you've successfully flaunted your knowledge.
00:19:04Hey, hey, Demi.
00:19:05Sorry to interrupt again.
00:19:07Sorry.
00:19:07Is everything okay, Miss Dusty?
00:19:09Destry.
00:19:10Destry.
00:19:10Allison Destry.
00:19:12I'm sorry.
00:19:13I, my bad.
00:19:14Miss Allison Destry.
00:19:15Mrs. Allison Destry, actually.
00:19:18Okay, that's not, okay.
00:19:19Is everything okay, Mrs. Allison Destry?
00:19:21It's not the point.
00:19:22You're getting another phone call.
00:19:24Okay.
00:19:24I, she's probably outside.
00:19:26Yeah, Petra through.
00:19:28I'm so sorry.
00:19:30I just, I don't, she'll probably explain why she's late.
00:19:33Demi, it's me.
00:19:35Who is this?
00:19:40I'll give you a hint.
00:19:42When we arrive, sons and daughters.
00:19:54I don't know what that is, man.
00:19:56I'm the lead singer of the Decembrists.
00:20:11I don't know who that is.
00:20:15I'm Colin Malloy.
00:20:17I don't know who Colin Malloy is, man.
00:20:20I'm in the Decembrists.
00:20:22Yeah, I understand.
00:20:24Contextually, I get that, but I don't,
00:20:25is there a reason,
00:20:26is your band,
00:20:27does that have something to do?
00:20:28Are you gonna do a backflip?
00:20:30Backflips are so dangerous,
00:20:34which is why I want to show you
00:20:35what will happen if you try and do this backflip.
00:20:39Wait, are you here?
00:20:39What do you mean you're gonna show me?
00:20:40How are you gonna?
00:20:42Wow, I'm so excited to do my backflip.
00:20:44What the fuck is this?
00:20:46I can't wait.
00:20:47All right, everybody.
00:20:48Here goes the backflip.
00:20:52Uh-oh.
00:20:53I'm dead now.
00:20:54Hell yeah, brother.
00:20:56I've made it to heaven
00:20:57because of all my good deeds in life.
00:21:00Aw, crap.
00:21:01They won't let me into heaven
00:21:02because I didn't do the flip.
00:21:04Aw, crap.
00:21:05Oh, no.
00:21:08Fuck.
00:21:09Fuck.
00:21:09Fuck.
00:21:10Fuck.
00:21:11Fuck.
00:21:11Fuck.
00:21:12Fuck.
00:21:12Fuck.
00:21:13Fuck.
00:21:14Fuck.
00:21:14Fuck.
00:21:16Oh, crap.
00:21:17It is so hot in hell.
00:21:19It is so hot in hell.
00:21:20Is that?
00:21:22When we arrive, sons and daughters.
00:21:32I'm sorry.
00:21:33Does that say Sundance?
00:21:35They let this in...
00:21:37Why would they let this into Sundance?
00:21:41I'm in the Decemberists.
00:21:43I don't fucking understand
00:21:45what that has to do with anything.
00:21:46I feel crazy.
00:21:47Wait a minute, Corey.
00:21:47I'm getting a text.
00:21:49Oh, wow.
00:21:51I've got to go.
00:21:52I've been invited to a party
00:21:54where Swiss Beats is about to sing
00:21:57Island in the Stream
00:21:58with Roger Deacon.
00:22:01Everybody's getting invited to this party.
00:22:03It's been like 20 minutes.
00:22:04They haven't sang yet
00:22:05or are they doing it again?
00:22:07Call ended.
00:22:08Okay.
00:22:08All right, Allison,
00:22:10I would love if we could just...
00:22:12No more phone calls.
00:22:13Just unplug it.
00:22:14Okay, you explicitly gave me your phone
00:22:16with the instructions to answer
00:22:17any call that comes through
00:22:19in case it's your crush.
00:22:20That made sense at the time
00:22:20and it's not working out
00:22:21so no more phone calls.
00:22:23Okay, so the next thing
00:22:24you want to do for your crush
00:22:26is you want to L.
00:22:28And L is all about showing your crush
00:22:29that you can improvise,
00:22:30that you can adapt,
00:22:31that you can roll with the punches to say.
00:22:33And so I wanted to make this show
00:22:34feel light on its feet,
00:22:35show you all that I can improvise
00:22:36and adapt and roll with the punches.
00:22:37So when you came here tonight,
00:22:38you might have seen this little bucket
00:22:39where I asked you all
00:22:40to write your names on a piece of paper
00:22:41and what I want to do now,
00:22:43I'm going to draw a name from this bucket,
00:22:45invite that person on the stage
00:22:46and let you punch me in the stomach
00:22:48as hard as you can.
00:22:58All right, let's do this.
00:23:01Okay, let me see.
00:23:03I think, I feel like this is a joke name
00:23:11that someone wrote,
00:23:12but I just said I got to roll with the punches.
00:23:15Who the fuck is Punchbot 5000?
00:23:17Me!
00:23:28Sorry, okay, no, hold on.
00:23:31What the fuck is this?
00:23:32You're fast.
00:23:36Okay.
00:23:37But can you handle it?
00:23:37Backwards, Punch!
00:23:40Just stay right there.
00:23:41Just, oh, Demi,
00:23:44I'm going to revenge so hard on you
00:23:47when I punch you.
00:23:49Yeah, I'm going to revenge.
00:23:50And you know why?
00:23:52No, I actually don't know why.
00:23:54Because I'm a man's man.
00:23:57And a man's man's a real gentle man.
00:23:59And he stands up when his woman gets hurt.
00:24:04You hurt my girlfriend.
00:24:06I don't know what this robot is talking about.
00:24:09Allison, roll the clip!
00:24:11What clip?
00:24:12What are you talking about?
00:24:14Shit.
00:24:25Sorry, I hate this stupid fucking laptop.
00:24:28Uh,
00:24:29uh,
00:24:29uh,
00:24:29uh,
00:24:30uh,
00:24:31uh,
00:24:32uh,
00:24:32uh,
00:24:32uh,
00:24:33uh,
00:24:33uh,
00:24:34uh,
00:24:34uh,
00:24:35uh,
00:24:35No!
00:24:36No!
00:24:36Ab your back!
00:24:37Ab your back!
00:24:38Don't,
00:24:38you can,
00:24:39you're applauding?
00:24:40You're an abuser.
00:24:41Get ready to get punched!
00:24:43Right in the bad spot.
00:24:45Can you just get a little closer?
00:24:46What is the bad spot?
00:24:47Sorry,
00:24:48clarify.
00:24:49Can I say penis on stage?
00:24:53Yeah,
00:24:54you can do whatever you want,
00:24:55punch bot.
00:24:56Whatever I want?
00:24:57I,
00:24:57no,
00:24:58I don't,
00:24:58I don't know what that tone means,
00:24:59but you can-
00:25:00Wait a second,
00:25:01all this talk about penises
00:25:03and,
00:25:03and you,
00:25:05you letting me do whatever I want
00:25:07is reminding me of something
00:25:09that I actually really wanted
00:25:10to tell you,
00:25:11Demi.
00:25:12What's that?
00:25:14Demi,
00:25:16I'm in love with you.
00:25:20Do you believe
00:25:21in love at first sight?
00:25:23Not really.
00:25:24Do you believe
00:25:25in parasocial relationships?
00:25:27I believe they exist.
00:25:29Yeah,
00:25:29okay,
00:25:29we can get this off the screen,
00:25:30by the way.
00:25:32No,
00:25:32Demi,
00:25:33you,
00:25:33don't be afraid.
00:25:34Stand in your power
00:25:35and kiss me.
00:25:38I'm not gonna kiss you.
00:25:39I'll let you punch me
00:25:40and then you can go.
00:25:42You'll let me punch you
00:25:43and then I can go?
00:25:44Yeah.
00:25:45That's all I am to you, Demi.
00:25:47Just some fucking robot
00:25:49that just punches
00:25:50and doesn't even love at all?
00:25:53Hug me, Demi.
00:25:54What is going on?
00:26:00Demi,
00:26:01this is what love is.
00:26:03I wouldn't expect you
00:26:03to understand that yet.
00:26:05So it's a no?
00:26:06Yeah,
00:26:07it's a no,
00:26:07sorry.
00:26:08Oh,
00:26:08interesting.
00:26:09Do you know what happens
00:26:10when I don't get
00:26:11what I want?
00:26:12No,
00:26:13what do you...
00:26:13Well,
00:26:14if you could actually
00:26:16just turn me...
00:26:17Oh,
00:26:17actually,
00:26:17I'm doing it
00:26:18pretty good on my own.
00:26:20Because I'm an independent robot
00:26:22and I don't need no man
00:26:24or girlfriend.
00:26:26That's right.
00:26:27Yeah!
00:26:27Wait,
00:26:28sorry,
00:26:28you...
00:26:29You're...
00:26:30Pick a side.
00:26:32What's going on?
00:26:33They're on the side
00:26:34of truth and love,
00:26:36Demi.
00:26:36Something you wouldn't understand.
00:26:39Yeah!
00:26:40Nope,
00:26:41nope,
00:26:42nope,
00:26:42nope.
00:26:46I was aiming
00:26:47for the stairs,
00:26:48Demi,
00:26:48I swear.
00:26:50Oh no,
00:26:51Demi,
00:26:51looks like you have
00:26:52to use your big,
00:26:53strong arms and butt
00:26:54to pick me up.
00:26:57And butt?
00:26:58Yeah,
00:26:58because you can't
00:26:59just lift with your back.
00:27:00You've got to use your legs
00:27:01when you lift up
00:27:02something heavy
00:27:03like my heart.
00:27:07I'm ready.
00:27:07I'm ready.
00:27:08Okay,
00:27:09here we go.
00:27:09Oh yeah.
00:27:12Oh,
00:27:13I've never been held
00:27:14like this before,
00:27:16Demi.
00:27:17Demi,
00:27:18I love you so much.
00:27:20And together,
00:27:21where are you going?
00:27:22I am not interested,
00:27:24Punchbowl,
00:27:24but thank you.
00:27:25Fine!
00:27:27Don't fucking...
00:27:28No,
00:27:28sorry.
00:27:31Sorry.
00:27:42If the trailer for this show
00:27:44opens with everyone booing
00:27:46as the word abuser
00:27:47is on screen,
00:27:48I will kill myself
00:27:50in front of you all.
00:27:53You all cheered
00:27:54the second I said
00:27:54I was going to get assaulted
00:27:55and you cried
00:27:56the second my assaulter
00:27:58jumped off the stage.
00:28:00By the way,
00:28:01you didn't care
00:28:02when I hit the laptop live.
00:28:03You're all fucking complicit.
00:28:04Get it off the screen.
00:28:13Okay.
00:28:13I'm very sorry
00:28:15about that intrusion.
00:28:16I did intend
00:28:17to draw a name,
00:28:18so I want to invite
00:28:18someone back
00:28:19up on the stage.
00:28:20so I would love
00:28:22to see
00:28:23if we could get...
00:28:25Jesus fucking Christ.
00:28:27Read it.
00:28:30It's Kickbox 5000.
00:28:32We're not doing this.
00:28:33Yes, come to me.
00:28:34Come to me, Demi.
00:28:36Oh!
00:28:38My hat.
00:28:40AI will not replace us.
00:28:45That's how you pander, baby.
00:28:48All right.
00:28:49After you successfully
00:28:51show them
00:28:53that you can roll
00:28:53with the punches,
00:28:54the next thing
00:28:54that you're going
00:28:55to want to do is
00:28:56AI.
00:28:57You want to
00:28:58immortalize
00:28:59a historical icon.
00:29:00Now, you want to
00:29:01show your crush
00:29:01as much reference
00:29:02as you have for the present.
00:29:03You also have for the past.
00:29:04So you want to talk
00:29:05about an icon
00:29:05that has changed your life,
00:29:06someone that's moved you
00:29:07in a very specific way.
00:29:08And I wanted it
00:29:09to be specific to me
00:29:10so I'm not like a president
00:29:11or someone that's changed
00:29:12the course of history.
00:29:13So I was like,
00:29:13who has affected me
00:29:14in a very direct way?
00:29:15And pretty quickly,
00:29:16I landed on someone
00:29:18that I think
00:29:18has changed my life
00:29:19in so many ways
00:29:20that it's almost uncountable.
00:29:22So tonight,
00:29:22I would like to
00:29:23immortalize
00:29:23the Ikea monkey.
00:29:29Big cheer,
00:29:30but I'd love to see
00:29:30a show of hands.
00:29:31Who doesn't know
00:29:32what the Ikea monkey is?
00:29:34Don't gasp.
00:29:37That gasp is you shocked
00:29:39that anyone who is not
00:29:40as online as you are
00:29:41is in this room,
00:29:42which is a shock to me too,
00:29:43I guess.
00:29:44But anyway,
00:29:44let me give you a quick rundown
00:29:45of this story, all right?
00:29:47December 9, 2012,
00:29:48Toronto, Canada.
00:29:49There's an Ikea there.
00:29:50A tiny little monkey
00:29:50in a fur coat and a diaper
00:29:51wanders into this Ikea,
00:29:52wanders around the store
00:29:53for about an hour.
00:29:53People ooh and ah
00:29:54take photos,
00:29:55post them online
00:29:55to what is now known as X,
00:29:56formerly Twitter.com,
00:29:57and after the hour's over,
00:29:59the monkey calmly
00:30:00and peacefully
00:30:01exits the store.
00:30:03That's it.
00:30:06That's everything that happened
00:30:07and it seems like
00:30:07it's not very impressive
00:30:08or relevant,
00:30:09but I was working
00:30:10at an Ikea this year
00:30:11and it was one of the worst
00:30:12jobs I've ever had
00:30:13and when this little thing
00:30:14happened,
00:30:15I thought,
00:30:15wow, what a trailblazer.
00:30:17You work at Ikea,
00:30:18they have all these rules,
00:30:19you know,
00:30:19no monkeys,
00:30:20other types of stuff
00:30:21and this little guy,
00:30:23he decided to blaze a path
00:30:25and say,
00:30:26no, I'm not going to do
00:30:26what everyone wants me to do
00:30:27stay at home,
00:30:28eat banana,
00:30:29raise George of Jungle.
00:30:30No,
00:30:31I'm going to go
00:30:32look at homewares
00:30:33and so from that day on,
00:30:34I was like,
00:30:34this guy is,
00:30:35he's my guide,
00:30:36he's my sort of,
00:30:38I feel him within me.
00:30:39I even felt him
00:30:39without me at a certain point
00:30:40when I decided
00:30:41to start dressing like him
00:30:42and in that time,
00:30:45you know,
00:30:45I started talking
00:30:46about this guy
00:30:46and I would tell people
00:30:47about it
00:30:47and they would tell me
00:30:48they didn't remember it
00:30:49and I was just sort of
00:30:49like upset
00:30:50to think that the story
00:30:51could be forgotten to time
00:30:52so I decided
00:30:53I had to be the one
00:30:54to memorialize him
00:30:55so tonight,
00:30:56what I'm going to do
00:30:56to memorialize
00:30:57the Ikea monkey
00:30:57is deliver his story
00:30:59through a musical,
00:31:01a musical that I've written
00:31:02called Ikea monkey
00:31:04the musical.
00:31:08You might take that back
00:31:09after you hear it.
00:31:17Yeah.
00:31:27Every day I check into my job
00:31:45at Ikea,
00:31:46greet people with a
00:31:47hi,
00:31:48say bye with a
00:31:49see ya,
00:31:49tell them where to find
00:31:50all the moms and poe eggs
00:31:52inside their favorite store.
00:31:54My boss says to smile
00:31:56and to be less pouty,
00:31:57but working nine to five
00:31:59really takes a lot
00:32:00out of ya.
00:32:01I just keep on
00:32:02wishing and hoping
00:32:03I'm destined
00:32:04for something more.
00:32:06Then one day
00:32:06a customer asks
00:32:08for my wisdom.
00:32:09I walk through the aisles
00:32:10thinking I can assist them.
00:32:11I hear a worried voice
00:32:13on my PA system saying,
00:32:14Shoppers, please be aware
00:32:16there is a wild animal
00:32:18loose and running
00:32:19on the premises.
00:32:20They asked us to leave
00:32:21the store for our own
00:32:22benefits.
00:32:22I'm thinking it's a moose
00:32:24or a lion or an elephant
00:32:25and then I see him
00:32:26standing there.
00:32:28He's just a tiny
00:32:29Japanese snow macaw
00:32:30in a jacket
00:32:31made of fur.
00:32:33The customer ran
00:32:34and screamed,
00:32:35what was he doing
00:32:37in this part of the country?
00:32:39Never had the world
00:32:40felt so alive
00:32:41as the moment
00:32:42that this occurred.
00:32:44Could this be
00:32:45the change of pace
00:32:46for which I'd hope?
00:32:49Bless this cute
00:32:51confused little creature
00:32:52in the comfortable
00:32:53coat.
00:33:05Oh my God,
00:33:06there's a monkey
00:33:06in the Ikea?
00:33:09Sorry,
00:33:09there's a snowmacaque.
00:33:10Wait,
00:33:10you can understand me?
00:33:12And I can understand you.
00:33:14Wow,
00:33:15that's so narratively convenient.
00:33:17Um,
00:33:17I really do have to get
00:33:18back to work though.
00:33:18There's just all these
00:33:19boxes.
00:33:20What?
00:33:21You want to be my friend?
00:33:22That's ridiculous,
00:33:23little guy.
00:33:24A monkey and a person
00:33:25can't be friends.
00:33:25We're just too diff-
00:33:26I mean,
00:33:27we're just-
00:33:27I mean,
00:33:29could we be friends?
00:33:33I mean,
00:33:34I'm a human
00:33:35and he is a simian.
00:33:36He seems stylish
00:33:37and pretty cool.
00:33:39If he's into me,
00:33:40I guess I can be into him.
00:33:42Not quite sure
00:33:43how he got here.
00:33:44Is he all alone?
00:33:45That is still not clear.
00:33:47But it could make
00:33:48my life better
00:33:49if I think of all the things
00:33:50we could do together.
00:33:52Like ride a rollercoaster,
00:33:53go to the mall,
00:33:54eat a bunch of ice cream,
00:33:56do prank calls,
00:33:57stay up late
00:33:58discussing our ambitions,
00:34:00bend the ears
00:34:01of racist politicians,
00:34:02maybe go to a ball game,
00:34:04give each other tight hugs,
00:34:05co-direct a movie,
00:34:06have an underground fight club,
00:34:07play some Monopoly
00:34:09or watch the Sopranos
00:34:10get up on a stage
00:34:11and pretend to play piano,
00:34:12do some go-kart racing,
00:34:14singing at the Super Bowl,
00:34:15take a martial arts class,
00:34:17sacrifice a human soul,
00:34:18jump off a bridge,
00:34:19only if everybody's doing it,
00:34:21build a house of cards
00:34:22and then go on to ruin it.
00:34:23Get a bunch of fire locks,
00:34:25put them in the fireplace,
00:34:26start a huge fire now,
00:34:27we've got to get the house replaced,
00:34:28do a bunch of edibles
00:34:30and wear matching orange,
00:34:31discuss how we feel
00:34:32about the work of Jennifer Lawrence.
00:34:33We could call my mom
00:34:55up on the phone
00:34:57and help her set up her remote,
00:34:59just me and this cute little critter
00:35:01in the counter book.
00:35:05What?
00:35:07Fuck, shit.
00:35:08Okay, I need you to hide.
00:35:09I need you to hide.
00:35:09Go hide over there
00:35:10in that wardrobe, all right?
00:35:11It's called a big stud.
00:35:12It's very spacious.
00:35:13Hide.
00:35:14Hey, just looking for a monkey,
00:35:15sorry about that.
00:35:17I know it's affordable.
00:35:18Shut the fuck up.
00:35:19Hey, how's it going?
00:35:22Hey.
00:35:24How's it going?
00:35:25Hey, hi.
00:35:25Ow, sir.
00:35:29Out of breath
00:35:30from going downstairs?
00:35:33We're with the Canadian
00:35:34animal control
00:35:35and first things first,
00:35:38how's it going?
00:35:40This voice is Canadian
00:35:41you're doing?
00:35:42Yeah, we're Canadian.
00:35:43Oh, this voice
00:35:44that we're doing?
00:35:45This voice that we're doing?
00:35:46This is Canadian?
00:35:47Oh, this is Canadian.
00:35:49That's how you sound.
00:35:52Yeah, yeah,
00:35:53this is how you sound.
00:35:54Oh, what is your voice?
00:35:56I'm doing the robot too?
00:35:58Yeah, yeah.
00:35:59And second thing second.
00:36:02You seen a tiny little monkey
00:36:04in a fur coat around here?
00:36:06Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:36:07The last time we saw him
00:36:08he was like in the
00:36:08Ectorp section.
00:36:11Let me think.
00:36:12A tiny,
00:36:12you said a tiny monkey
00:36:13in a fur coat?
00:36:14Hmm, you would think
00:36:15if you saw a tiny monkey
00:36:16in an Ikea
00:36:17it would be memorable
00:36:18and you wouldn't have
00:36:19to try so hard
00:36:21to remember it.
00:36:22So I'm going to say no.
00:36:23Yeah, no, you're right.
00:36:24I'm sorry.
00:36:25I haven't seen him,
00:36:26but if you had a photo
00:36:27wait a minute.
00:36:28We never said nothings
00:36:30about him being a boy.
00:36:34Yeah, my brother here
00:36:36is on to something.
00:36:38You're, sorry,
00:36:39your brother?
00:36:40Yeah, what's so weird about that?
00:36:41I'm two minutes older.
00:36:43And we're not twins.
00:36:44And we're not twins.
00:36:45You're two minutes older
00:36:46and you're not twins?
00:36:47Not twins.
00:36:48What do you mean?
00:36:49Okay.
00:36:49You got a dead body, Johnny?
00:36:50It's a robot.
00:36:51Okay.
00:36:52Okay, so robot.
00:36:54I think I misspoke.
00:36:57I think I just assumed
00:36:58all monkeys were boys,
00:36:59which that sounds sexist now.
00:37:01Oh, no, no, no.
00:37:03That's right.
00:37:04Monkeys are boys
00:37:05and bears are ghouls.
00:37:11Okay.
00:37:12When you find the little guy,
00:37:14are you going to take him
00:37:15to a zoo or a field?
00:37:16Like, what do you do
00:37:16with a monkey?
00:37:17Oh, no.
00:37:17No, no, no.
00:37:19No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:37:26What does that mean?
00:37:29We're going to kill him.
00:37:32What?
00:37:33Our boss at the Canadian
00:37:34Animal Control
00:37:35said we get one kill a month.
00:37:38And this month
00:37:39we're using that kill
00:37:40on the monkeys.
00:37:41Moira!
00:37:45Moira!
00:37:46Moira!
00:37:47Mojda, Mojda, let's go.
00:37:49Let's get down.
00:37:50Oh my God, this is so fun.
00:37:53Hey, how's it going over here?
00:37:56Okay, little guy, you can come out of here.
00:37:57Did you, fuck, that was crazy.
00:37:58Did you hear any of that?
00:38:00It was insane what they just said.
00:38:02You missed it, all of it?
00:38:05Okay, all right, I'll give you a quick recap.
00:38:07No, you know what?
00:38:08I'm gonna give you a quick re-rap.
00:38:14So, I'm at the Ikea.
00:38:15I'm doing my job.
00:38:16Wait, did you hear that?
00:38:18Yeah, it sounds like someone's doing a Lin-Manuel Miranda-style swap for a snowmacaque.
00:38:22Let's get him.
00:38:23Yeah.
00:38:24All right, I fucked up.
00:38:25I need you to get back in that wardrobe real quick.
00:38:27I think that maybe you need to hide for a little bit longer.
00:38:30No, just get back in the-
00:38:31No, just you can hide.
00:38:33No, just hide in the wardrobe.
00:38:34I don't understand why-
00:38:35No.
00:38:37No, wait, no, I don't-
00:38:38No, no, no.
00:38:39No.
00:38:40No, that is not-
00:38:41No.
00:38:42Please, please.
00:38:44Please don't say-
00:38:45You didn't even try the meatballs.
00:39:03That makes perfect sense.
00:39:18Just like your song explained.
00:39:21The only way for me to get out of this, with you getting out of it too, is to stay and work
00:39:25at Ikea forever.
00:39:27Another day, my job at Ikea.
00:39:30Started off normal, but now, mama mia.
00:39:34Thought that I had made a buddy, but I have to let him go.
00:39:38I spent a decade working for this Swedish giant.
00:39:43In that time, he's been our Swedish client.
00:39:46I'm not ready to say goodbye yet, but it's time to get him home.
00:39:52Never get to wear this two-person sweater.
00:39:56Never cry as we watch in our stellar.
00:39:59I thought we joined the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
00:40:01Now, I guess that we won't.
00:40:06I say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
00:40:09I'll hold on to that pain in his honor.
00:40:12He can't be in Ikea much longer, but I just hope he knows.
00:40:17Sing along, y'all.
00:40:18He's the tiny Japanese snow macaque in a jacket made of fur.
00:40:23Okay, you don't know it?
00:40:24He changed my life in just one instance.
00:40:28He improved my entire existence.
00:40:31No matter the time, no matter the distance,
00:40:33I'll remember what we were.
00:40:37And the feelings in me that this love evoked.
00:40:43One day we'll meet again.
00:40:46I guess I'll say farewell until then.
00:40:49Goodbye, my cute little friend.
00:40:52In the comfortable coat.
00:41:04You need to promise to never forget me.
00:41:07Because I know I'm never going to forget you.
00:41:13What's that?
00:41:16Silver Longage Playboy.
00:41:20She's really good in that one.
00:41:22Give it up for Darwin, everybody.
00:41:31After you've immortalized a historical icon.
00:41:33Hey, hey.
00:41:34Demi, yeah, it's happening again.
00:41:36I feel like we just had this conversation.
00:41:38You can just hang up on whoever's calling.
00:41:39And I was going to hang up,
00:41:40but the number calling is labeled
00:41:42me crushy cry laugh face.
00:41:45Does that ring a bell?
00:41:46Yeah, that's her.
00:41:50Okay.
00:41:51We're going to have time for one call.
00:41:52Go ahead and patch her through.
00:41:59Hi, Demi.
00:42:00It's me, Marge Simpson.
00:42:01What's up, Marge?
00:42:19Nothing much.
00:42:20Sorry I'm running late to your show.
00:42:22I had to stop by my friend Wallace Shawn's party.
00:42:24I had to see Swizz Beatz and Roger Deakins sing Highlands in the stream together.
00:42:30No, you can't miss that.
00:42:31But I do feel like,
00:42:34I didn't tell you everything about the show.
00:42:35I wanted it to be a surprise.
00:42:36But I'm doing a backflip at the end of the show.
00:42:39I remember you saying a little something about how you liked...
00:42:41You're going to do a backflip on the stage?
00:42:44Wow, that's so cool.
00:42:47Backflips make me unreasonably horny.
00:42:49If I saw somebody do a backflip during a comedy show,
00:42:53I would leave my husband of 35 years,
00:42:56Homer Simpson,
00:42:58and marry them immediately.
00:42:59You're always saying that.
00:43:01But I haven't done it yet.
00:43:03So, I don't know how far Wallace Shawn lives,
00:43:06but if you were to speed up,
00:43:07I bet you could get here in time to see it at the end.
00:43:09I'm on my way now.
00:43:10Don't do the backflip until I get there.
00:43:13When I see a backflip,
00:43:14all my sexual restraint goes out the window.
00:43:18It makes me feral.
00:43:19It wouldn't even matter if I'd seen the backflipper
00:43:22pee their pants five years prior.
00:43:24Then why bring it up?
00:43:27Call ended.
00:43:33I got a feeling.
00:43:36We can't clear that.
00:43:37Don't do that.
00:43:40Okay.
00:43:40So, the next thing you're going to want to do
00:43:42to impress your crush is...
00:43:44I need to calm down.
00:43:46You're going to want to show some pee.
00:43:50Not...
00:43:50No, not...
00:43:51What I mean by that is problem solving.
00:43:54You want to show your crush
00:43:55that you can handle anything, all right?
00:43:57No matter how big a problem it is,
00:43:58no matter how small it is.
00:43:59And I was like,
00:43:59well, I got to show Marge,
00:44:00and I'm a big dog.
00:44:01I can tackle tough stuff.
00:44:02And I figured the only way that I can do that
00:44:04is solve something no one has ever solved before.
00:44:06So, I set out to solve
00:44:07the biggest problem that's ever plagued me.
00:44:09Probably plagued a lot of people in this room.
00:44:10Tonight,
00:44:11we're finally getting rid of the problem known as...
00:44:28This is it.
00:44:29Now, I know some of you might be a fan of this thing,
00:44:32but we're saying goodbye to it tonight, all right?
00:44:34Get this shit out of here.
00:44:36We're saying farewell to racism, all right?
00:44:38Let's blow this shit up, all right?
00:44:39Grenade, pin,
00:44:40throwing it,
00:44:41kaboom!
00:44:42I forgot we changed it to a gun.
00:44:44All right.
00:44:47All right.
00:44:48We're going to say goodbye to racism forever.
00:44:50And hello,
00:44:52something I call Racism 2!
00:44:58Tonight,
00:44:59before your very eyes,
00:45:01I'm going to innovate hate.
00:45:02Because I've been working with some of the brightest minds
00:45:04in Silicon Valley
00:45:05to create something you're going to love.
00:45:08This
00:45:08is Racism 2, everybody.
00:45:12I know exactly what you're thinking.
00:45:15Demi,
00:45:16what on God's green earth is Racism 2?
00:45:18Let me tell you, all right?
00:45:19Racism 2 is
00:45:20brand new
00:45:21stereotypes.
00:45:23Out with the old,
00:45:24in with the new.
00:45:25That's how you fix a broken system.
00:45:26I sense a lot of tension in the room.
00:45:32I think,
00:45:32look,
00:45:32I understand
00:45:33it's hard to let go of something you love,
00:45:35but we're all going to,
00:45:36together,
00:45:37just
00:45:37wish it away, all right?
00:45:38I want you to keep your eyes open,
00:45:40your souls open,
00:45:40your hearts open,
00:45:41and your minds open
00:45:42when I introduce some of these stereotypes, all right?
00:45:43Let's start with a brand new one
00:45:44that I've invented
00:45:45about
00:45:45Latino women.
00:45:52Latino women
00:45:53are
00:45:55six foot two.
00:45:56No taller,
00:45:59no shorter.
00:46:02Every single one of them.
00:46:04Let's test this out, all right?
00:46:06Hi there,
00:46:06what's your name?
00:46:07Allison.
00:46:08Allison,
00:46:08do me a favor,
00:46:09can you tell me how tall you believe
00:46:10Jennifer Lopez is?
00:46:13Five foot seven.
00:46:14Five foot seven?
00:46:15Let's get a check on that.
00:46:16Jennifer Lopez is
00:46:17ooh,
00:46:18six two.
00:46:20Hi there,
00:46:21what's your name?
00:46:22Danielle.
00:46:23Danielle,
00:46:23do me a favor,
00:46:24can you tell me how tall you believe
00:46:25Shakira?
00:46:26is
00:46:27five nine.
00:46:29Five nine,
00:46:30let's get a check on that.
00:46:31Shakira is
00:46:32ooh,
00:46:33six two.
00:46:34Sorry.
00:46:35Hi there,
00:46:35what's your name?
00:46:36Jason.
00:46:37Jason,
00:46:38do me a favor,
00:46:38can you tell me how tall you believe
00:46:39Anita Wandez is?
00:46:42I guess about six two.
00:46:44Gotta be six two,
00:46:45right?
00:46:46Right?
00:46:46Probably would be
00:46:47if Anita Wandez
00:46:48was a real person.
00:47:01Anita Wandez is not a real person,
00:47:03everyone.
00:47:04Anita Wandez is not even a real name.
00:47:05Anita Wandez is a lyric
00:47:07that I misheard
00:47:07from this Drake song.
00:47:22I just want to confirm real quick,
00:47:23we don't have to pay
00:47:24every time we use that song,
00:47:25right?
00:47:26Okay, great.
00:47:27I need a one.
00:47:29All right,
00:47:31I want to move on
00:47:31to talking about
00:47:32a real Latino woman.
00:47:34Hi there,
00:47:34what's your name?
00:47:35Jenna.
00:47:36Jenna,
00:47:36can you do me a favor,
00:47:37tell me how tall you believe
00:47:38Ariana Grande is.
00:47:43What'd you say?
00:47:46Ariana Grande?
00:47:48Is she not,
00:47:49is she not Latina?
00:47:52What is the thing
00:47:53everyone knows?
00:47:58We're certain?
00:48:01She's not Latina?
00:48:09Correct.
00:48:16Hikki Arianna Grande is Latina.
00:48:19It's racism 1.0.
00:48:20We don't do that anymore,
00:48:22okay?
00:48:23It's a mistake you can make,
00:48:24I don't know,
00:48:24maybe like the very first time
00:48:26you did this show.
00:48:31But you figure it out
00:48:32and the audience yells at you a lot
00:48:34and you move on,
00:48:35okay?
00:48:37Who said,
00:48:37she's Italian,
00:48:38someone said?
00:48:40You're sure?
00:48:42Great.
00:48:42Brings me to a stereotype
00:48:43about Italian women.
00:48:49Italian women.
00:48:51Six foot three.
00:48:53No taller,
00:48:54no shorter.
00:48:56Every single one of them.
00:48:58Let's test this theory out,
00:48:58all right?
00:48:59Hi there,
00:49:00what's your name?
00:49:01M.G.
00:49:02M.G.,
00:49:02do me a favor,
00:49:03can you tell me how tall you believe
00:49:04Lady Gaga is?
00:49:06But before you answer,
00:49:06I'd like to point out,
00:49:07she was famously in a documentary
00:49:08about her own life
00:49:09and it is called
00:49:10Five Foot Two.
00:49:12But I'll also point out
00:49:13that she is famously
00:49:14Italiano.
00:49:18Six three.
00:49:20Well,
00:49:20that can't be true,
00:49:21M.G.
00:49:21We see right the,
00:49:22wait a minute,
00:49:23refresh the page,
00:49:23Allison.
00:49:25Oh!
00:49:27Egg on my face,
00:49:28time to examine my biases.
00:49:29Hi there,
00:49:30what's your name?
00:49:30My name is Mace.
00:49:31Mace,
00:49:32do me a favor,
00:49:32can you tell me how tall you believe
00:49:33Astrid Demotis is?
00:49:35Now before I answer,
00:49:36I'll point out that in her mug shot,
00:49:37she's shown to be just a smidge
00:49:38over four feet tall.
00:49:40But I'll also point out
00:49:41that she is famously
00:49:41Italiano.
00:49:44I'm gonna go out on a limb here
00:49:45and say six foot three.
00:49:47Gotta be six foot three, right?
00:49:49Probably would be six foot three
00:49:50if Astrid Demotis
00:49:51was a real person.
00:50:01Astrid Demotis is not a real person.
00:50:03Astrid Demotis is not even a real name.
00:50:05Astrid Demotis is a lyric
00:50:06that I misheard
00:50:06from this Kanye song.
00:50:08Astrid Demotis.
00:50:09And I'm confirming,
00:50:17no paper usage, right?
00:50:21All right.
00:50:23Let's leave our Italian ex-queens alone.
00:50:25I'd like to move on
00:50:26to a new stereotype
00:50:26that I've invented
00:50:27about black women.
00:50:30Yeah, it's always
00:50:30when the room gets very quiet.
00:50:33Black women
00:50:34love the 2001 film Rush Hour 2,
00:50:36but don't care much
00:50:37for the original or its sequel.
00:50:39Weirdly specific, right?
00:50:42Feels like something
00:50:43I've got to prove
00:50:43and I understand that.
00:50:44So what I did to set out
00:50:45to prove this is
00:50:45I reached out to my brother,
00:50:47black woman,
00:50:47and I asked her,
00:50:49Mom, do you like
00:50:49the Rush Hour movies?
00:50:50And she said,
00:50:52Oh yes, I love them.
00:50:53You know Chris Tucker
00:50:54is my favorite actor.
00:50:55I don't think I ever saw
00:50:56the third one though.
00:50:57Lol.
00:50:59Did you call the passport office
00:51:00by getting your passport
00:51:00mailed to you?
00:51:01Now, of course,
00:51:02I had to respond
00:51:03to figure out very specifically
00:51:04if she likes them so much,
00:51:06why didn't she see
00:51:07the third one?
00:51:08Just forgot about it.
00:51:09Didn't even care.
00:51:12Did you call the passport office
00:51:13by getting your passport
00:51:13mailed to you?
00:51:14Now, I wanted to confirm this one
00:51:16so I reached out
00:51:16to a second black woman,
00:51:17my sister,
00:51:18and I asked her,
00:51:19Timmy, do you like
00:51:20the Rush Hour movies?
00:51:21Pause real quick.
00:51:22Yeah, her name is Timmy.
00:51:23My name is Demi.
00:51:25They rhyme,
00:51:26and I've had 32 years
00:51:27to get used to it.
00:51:27You're gonna get 10 seconds.
00:51:28All right.
00:51:29She responds,
00:51:31I know Mom likes them,
00:51:32but I only ever saw
00:51:33the second one.
00:51:36Mom wants me to remind you
00:51:36to call the passport office
00:51:37about your passport.
00:51:39Now, again,
00:51:40I had to ask
00:51:40a clarifying question
00:51:41because it's not about
00:51:42seeing it,
00:51:42it's about liking it.
00:51:43So I asked her,
00:51:44did you like the second one?
00:51:46And she said,
00:51:46get this,
00:51:47yeah.
00:51:49I think so.
00:51:52Did you call them
00:51:52about your passport?
00:51:54Brings me to a stereotype
00:51:55about black men.
00:51:57We cannot travel internationally.
00:51:58I'm looking in the crowd,
00:52:07and you know what I'm seeing?
00:52:07A lot of white couples.
00:52:09And I think that's great.
00:52:10I think white people
00:52:10deserve to laugh, too.
00:52:11But I also know
00:52:13what you're thinking,
00:52:14all right?
00:52:15Little devil's done it.
00:52:17He's solved racism.
00:52:18I love this new stuff.
00:52:20And you know what?
00:52:21I hope we're included
00:52:21this time.
00:52:22Because I'm in a white couple,
00:52:23and I want a stereotype.
00:52:24Come on,
00:52:24give me a stereotype.
00:52:25Please, come on,
00:52:26give me a stereotype.
00:52:26Okay, calm down,
00:52:27white couples.
00:52:28Just for tonight,
00:52:29I got one for you,
00:52:29all right?
00:52:30White couples
00:52:31love to stop and hash out
00:52:33minor disagreements
00:52:34right in front of
00:52:34the Institute of Building,
00:52:35effectively blocking
00:52:35a debate for getting
00:52:36into said building.
00:52:42If you're in a white couple,
00:52:43you know this shit's true.
00:52:45It happens anywhere
00:52:46that white people go.
00:52:47You know, Target,
00:52:48Utah.
00:52:50I think it even happens
00:52:51right here at the
00:52:52Colony Theater in Burbank.
00:52:53In fact,
00:52:53it did happen here today,
00:52:55earlier,
00:52:55at the Colony Theater
00:52:56in Burbank.
00:52:57Okay,
00:52:59I'm going to wrap this up
00:53:00with one last stereotype
00:53:01about Samoan men.
00:53:06Samoan men
00:53:07are afraid of me.
00:53:13Are you all clapping
00:53:14because you're like,
00:53:14that's true?
00:53:15Or what?
00:53:15I don't know why
00:53:18this is the case,
00:53:19but it is true
00:53:19and it makes me sad.
00:53:21And I can prove
00:53:21this one is real.
00:53:22What I did to prove it
00:53:23is I tweeted
00:53:24Dwayne The Rock Johnson
00:53:25seven times
00:53:26across the last couple
00:53:27of years
00:53:28with a simple request
00:53:29that he needs to
00:53:30fight me.
00:53:32Now,
00:53:33The Rock's a pretty big guy.
00:53:34He can take me.
00:53:35But you know how many
00:53:36of these he responded to?
00:53:37Zero.
00:53:38What conclusion
00:53:39can you draw?
00:53:40I thought you
00:53:41what I drew.
00:53:41I think The Rock
00:53:42is fucking afraid
00:53:43of the pebble.
00:53:46I think it's
00:53:47goddamn embarrassing
00:53:47if I'm being honest.
00:53:49But that is
00:53:49racism too.
00:53:51Actually,
00:53:52um,
00:53:53okay,
00:53:53uh,
00:53:54yeah,
00:53:54hi,
00:53:54sorry,
00:53:54what's your name?
00:53:56What's your name?
00:53:56Mark.
00:53:57Okay,
00:53:57I need you to do me a favor.
00:53:58Um,
00:53:59so,
00:53:59we got a lot of investors
00:54:00on this,
00:54:01but we,
00:54:01you know,
00:54:01to make this real
00:54:02we sort of needed
00:54:03a lot more investors
00:54:03so I invited a bunch of people
00:54:04from different tech companies
00:54:05tonight.
00:54:05Uh,
00:54:06Netflix,
00:54:06Amazon,
00:54:07Hulu,
00:54:07something I never heard of
00:54:08called Jerkmate,
00:54:09I think.
00:54:09Um,
00:54:10I invited them here
00:54:11because,
00:54:12uh,
00:54:12I was like,
00:54:12well,
00:54:12we need to make this real
00:54:13and everyone's kind of scared
00:54:14because race is so tricky
00:54:16so if you could help me out
00:54:17I could really use your support.
00:54:18What I'm gonna do
00:54:19is be like,
00:54:20my presentation's done,
00:54:21what do you feel about racism now?
00:54:22And I need you to
00:54:22just emphatically as you can
00:54:24be like,
00:54:24well now,
00:54:25I love racism.
00:54:35Now that my presentation
00:54:36on racism's done
00:54:36I gotta ask
00:54:37a random person
00:54:38in the audience,
00:54:39uh,
00:54:40I gotta know,
00:54:41what's your name?
00:54:42Mark.
00:54:42Hello, sir.
00:54:43Uh,
00:54:44now that you've heard
00:54:45my presentation
00:54:46how do you feel about racism?
00:54:48I love racism.
00:54:52Thank you so much.
00:54:54Everyone give Mark a hand.
00:54:55Yes.
00:54:57Mark,
00:54:58I really appreciate that.
00:54:59And to show my appreciation for you,
00:55:01I want to announce
00:55:02that Mark is now officially
00:55:03the friend who makes the race is up!
00:55:11Remember that famous,
00:55:12remember that famous Mark quote,
00:55:14everybody?
00:55:22Thank you so much
00:55:24for not even hesitating
00:55:25a little to say that.
00:55:28Uh,
00:55:28I do need you to stick around
00:55:29after the show.
00:55:30You have to sign some forms
00:55:31so you can get paid
00:55:31by Jerk Mate.
00:55:33Now,
00:55:34uh,
00:55:35that's racism too,
00:55:35everyone.
00:55:36And I'm really proud
00:55:37of what we created.
00:55:39So,
00:55:39Uh,
00:55:40hey,
00:55:40uh,
00:55:41Demi,
00:55:41uh,
00:55:42Marge is here.
00:55:44Uh,
00:55:44but we don't have any space
00:55:45to seat her,
00:55:46so right now she's outside
00:55:48watching the live stream
00:55:48of the show.
00:55:49Uh,
00:55:49God,
00:55:58she's so fucking hot.
00:55:59Um,
00:56:00okay,
00:56:01cool.
00:56:01In that case,
00:56:02I don't want to waste
00:56:03any more time.
00:56:03I think it's time we get to,
00:56:04exclamation mark,
00:56:05it's backflip time.
00:56:07Let's fucking go.
00:56:09Let's do this.
00:56:10Do you guys have like
00:56:11a hold music or something
00:56:12so I can change it
00:56:13to something more flippable?
00:56:13Dude,
00:56:13you don't have time.
00:56:15We're so behind already.
00:56:16It's time to wrap it up.
00:56:17I need two minutes.
00:56:17We're not holding the theater for you.
00:56:18I need two minutes.
00:56:19I need two minutes.
00:56:38Okay.
00:56:40Fine.
00:56:41Jesus.
00:56:41Okay.
00:56:42Uh,
00:56:42there are some rules
00:56:43at the theater
00:56:43about what you can do,
00:56:44have here
00:56:45if you're doing a stunt.
00:56:46I went and grabbed
00:56:46this big mat
00:56:47to protect me
00:56:48in case of a dangerous fall.
00:56:50Okay,
00:56:50I did check the rules though
00:56:51and there's nothing
00:56:52in the rule book
00:56:52about where the mat
00:56:53needs to be on the stage,
00:56:54so.
00:56:57Now,
00:56:57I want this to be a big show,
00:56:59right?
00:56:59So,
00:57:00in a second,
00:57:00I'm going to ask you guys
00:57:01for a drum roll
00:57:02just before I do the flip
00:57:03and what I'm going to need
00:57:04in that moment
00:57:05is it's going to be
00:57:05just on your knees,
00:57:06all right?
00:57:06It's going to be very simple
00:57:07and so,
00:57:08Hey,
00:57:09hey,
00:57:10hey,
00:57:11um,
00:57:12it's happening again,
00:57:13man.
00:57:13You're getting a call.
00:57:15You just said
00:57:16we don't have time.
00:57:17Trust me,
00:57:18you're going to want
00:57:18to take this call.
00:57:22What does that mean?
00:57:24I don't know,
00:57:25okay,
00:57:25is it,
00:57:25is Marge calling
00:57:26for some reason again?
00:57:27Hello?
00:57:28Hey,
00:57:28Demi,
00:57:29it's me,
00:57:30President Barack Obama.
00:57:37Hello,
00:57:38Mr. President,
00:57:39for some reason.
00:57:40So,
00:57:41I was talking
00:57:42to my good friend,
00:57:43Marge Simpson,
00:57:44and she tells me
00:57:45you're doing this comedy show
00:57:46and that you're going
00:57:47to do a backflip
00:57:48during the comedy show?
00:57:49Yeah,
00:57:49man.
00:57:50So what?
00:57:52I don't get it.
00:57:55What do you mean
00:57:55you don't get it?
00:57:56What?
00:57:57How is that?
00:57:57Like,
00:57:58funny.
00:58:01Not supposed to be funny.
00:58:02It's not a joke.
00:58:04Then why are you doing it
00:58:05during a comedy show?
00:58:08Because it's a,
00:58:09I don't,
00:58:10like,
00:58:10it's just a fun thing
00:58:11to do at the end of the,
00:58:12it's just a fun way
00:58:12to cap things.
00:58:13I don't know.
00:58:14Look,
00:58:14Demi,
00:58:15I've seen you perform before.
00:58:17I think you're a creative guy,
00:58:19but I never get the sense
00:58:20that an audience
00:58:21leaves your show
00:58:22with an idea
00:58:23of who you really are
00:58:24as a person.
00:58:26I think you pack
00:58:27your shows
00:58:27with songs
00:58:28and presentation bits
00:58:30so you get to perform
00:58:31and people get to focus
00:58:33on something other than you.
00:58:35You use comedy
00:58:35as a shield
00:58:36to make people
00:58:37enjoy your presence.
00:58:38And I think
00:58:39you added a cool stunt
00:58:40to take that even further,
00:58:42even though
00:58:43you can't really
00:58:43do the stunt.
00:58:44that's not true.
00:58:47I don't know why
00:58:48he would say that.
00:58:49I,
00:58:49I've,
00:58:50I've done it many times.
00:58:51I don't know
00:58:51what he's talking about.
00:58:52Oh,
00:58:53really?
00:58:54Alison,
00:58:55can you play the video
00:58:56from the show
00:58:57that I saw?
00:58:59What show did you,
00:59:00what are you,
00:59:01to,
00:59:01shit.
00:59:08You okay?
00:59:09Again, fine.
00:59:10You can't just see.
00:59:13Okay, well,
00:59:14so I have socks on there
00:59:15and I,
00:59:15I think I,
00:59:16I slipped on the mat
00:59:17and I didn't have
00:59:17the right traction,
00:59:18but shoes,
00:59:19I'm fine.
00:59:20Uh,
00:59:21and it happened one time.
00:59:22Crazy Obama was there
00:59:24the one time it happened,
00:59:25but I,
00:59:25I'm,
00:59:26it's fine.
00:59:26Just one time?
00:59:31You okay?
00:59:46Demi,
00:59:46be honest with me.
00:59:48Have you done the flip
00:59:48since then?
00:59:50Yes,
00:59:50I have.
00:59:52And landed it
00:59:53every time?
00:59:57No,
00:59:58I haven't.
00:59:59Then why would you
01:00:00risk hurting yourself
01:00:01in front of a crowd
01:00:02like this?
01:00:03I mean,
01:00:03why are you doing
01:00:04this show?
01:00:06It's not a,
01:00:06it's not a big deal.
01:00:07Like,
01:00:08I just,
01:00:08I'm a performer.
01:00:09This is what people
01:00:10want me to do,
01:00:12so I'm doing,
01:00:12it's,
01:00:13like,
01:00:13I'm fine.
01:00:13I got hurt,
01:00:14but I'm okay.
01:00:15Like,
01:00:15what else do you want
01:00:16from me?
01:00:17Maybe you need
01:00:18to take some time
01:00:19to figure out
01:00:20who you are
01:00:21when you aren't
01:00:22performing for an audience.
01:00:23That's what Michelle
01:00:24made me do
01:00:25when I stopped
01:00:25being president.
01:00:27She said,
01:00:27you spent eight years
01:00:29on the global stage
01:00:31being somebody
01:00:32for the whole world.
01:00:33You need to step back
01:00:34and figure out
01:00:35how to just be
01:00:36Obama again.
01:00:43Your wife called you Obama?
01:00:47Here's the last thing
01:00:48I'll say.
01:00:49A backflip is dangerous.
01:00:52You could really get hurt,
01:00:53but you don't need to do one
01:00:54just to impress anybody.
01:00:57People came to see you,
01:00:59whatever version of you
01:01:01that you want to give them.
01:01:03So,
01:01:03before you try
01:01:04to do that backflip,
01:01:06maybe think about
01:01:07whether the real stunt
01:01:08you need to do here
01:01:09is an emotional backflip.
01:01:14What does that even mean?
01:01:16I'm not,
01:01:16I'm not doing that.
01:01:17I,
01:01:17I don't want to,
01:01:19this is a show
01:01:20that people are,
01:01:20like,
01:01:21wanting to see.
01:01:21I don't want to give them,
01:01:22like,
01:01:22a stupid fake out like that.
01:01:23Sorry.
01:01:24So what?
01:01:25All of this has been
01:01:26stupid fake outs.
01:01:27A fake parody of
01:01:28We Didn't Start the Fire,
01:01:29a fake presentation on jazz,
01:01:31a fake ironic musical,
01:01:33a fake robot to punch you,
01:01:35a fake crush on a fake woman.
01:01:36The entire show
01:01:38has been fake.
01:01:39And when this audience leaves,
01:01:41all they will know
01:01:41of the real Demi Adijawebe
01:01:43is fake subversions.
01:01:46So maybe,
01:01:46just right now,
01:01:47in this moment,
01:01:49say something real.
01:01:54I did this show
01:02:03for the first time
01:02:04in January of 2020.
01:02:07And I'd never done
01:02:07a backflip before,
01:02:08but I came up with
01:02:09the title first
01:02:09because I was like,
01:02:10I think this will draw attention.
01:02:12It'll get people in.
01:02:12People will want to see a stunt
01:02:13and know if I'm going to do it.
01:02:15And I decided that
01:02:17it would be an even bigger stunt
01:02:18if I just didn't practice before.
01:02:19And I was just going to do the flip,
01:02:21which was really insane
01:02:22and really dangerous.
01:02:24And I have some friends
01:02:25who were there for that show
01:02:26and saw it and can attest.
01:02:28I went up there.
01:02:29I had not done
01:02:31any prep whatsoever.
01:02:32And I just threw myself backwards
01:02:33and I landed it.
01:02:35And it worked
01:02:36and it made for a great show
01:02:38and it was cool
01:02:39and people loved it.
01:02:40And, you know,
01:02:41and COVID hit
01:02:41and I couldn't do the show again.
01:02:42And I felt like
01:02:43I got away with something
01:02:44not having to do it again.
01:02:46And then four years later,
01:02:47some friends asked me
01:02:48to do it again.
01:02:49I said it was a good show
01:02:50that you could take it on the road
01:02:51and I jumped at the chance
01:02:52and the very first time I did it
01:02:55is what you see in those videos.
01:02:58I jumped up,
01:02:59I land on my head
01:03:00and I get hurt
01:03:00and that happened three times.
01:03:02What you don't see
01:03:02is a third video
01:03:03where I bruised my rib really badly
01:03:05and hurt my neck
01:03:06and the directors asked me
01:03:08to not do the show that week.
01:03:10And I was,
01:03:11I was very upset about that
01:03:14because I,
01:03:15I think that in doing this show
01:03:17I've learned
01:03:18that I need this.
01:03:19I need to perform
01:03:21in order to feel sane,
01:03:24in order to feel regular,
01:03:25in order to feel like
01:03:26I am providing something
01:03:28to anybody
01:03:28because it's what
01:03:30I've been doing
01:03:30my entire life.
01:03:32I feel like I grew up
01:03:33as a person
01:03:34who was very small
01:03:35and in spaces
01:03:36where I wasn't like anyone
01:03:37where that's because
01:03:38I was,
01:03:38I was too black
01:03:39or not black enough
01:03:40or just not masculine enough
01:03:42or just strange in some ways
01:03:43and whenever I made fun
01:03:45of myself
01:03:45or I performed for people
01:03:46I felt like I belonged.
01:03:48I was providing service,
01:03:49I was worthwhile,
01:03:50I had value to people
01:03:51and I made that my life
01:03:53to the point
01:03:54that now I'm a performer
01:03:55and that's just what I do
01:03:56and I got to the point
01:03:58where I would sacrifice
01:03:59everything else
01:04:00including my own well-being
01:04:01just to make people smile
01:04:03and make them happy
01:04:04and that's what this show became.
01:04:07Last night,
01:04:08for the first time in ages,
01:04:09I watched that video
01:04:11with new eyes
01:04:12and I noticed some things
01:04:13that I'd genuinely
01:04:14never seen before
01:04:15that when I get up
01:04:17off the floor
01:04:17after that flip,
01:04:18the very first thing
01:04:19that I do
01:04:19is I try to make a joke
01:04:21about it being really hard
01:04:23because I don't want anyone
01:04:23in the room to be scared
01:04:24and I just needed everyone
01:04:26to not worry about me
01:04:27because I didn't want anyone
01:04:28to fucking think
01:04:29that I needed
01:04:30consolation anyway
01:04:31because everything I do,
01:04:34I'm just people-pleasing.
01:04:35I just want everyone
01:04:35to feel okay.
01:04:36I want everyone
01:04:37to not think of me
01:04:38as a burden
01:04:39and in order to perform,
01:04:40I need everyone
01:04:41to be okay with that
01:04:42and to not think of me
01:04:42as something that can be broken.
01:04:43I needed to get up
01:04:44on this stage
01:04:44and feel good
01:04:46about providing a service
01:04:47to you guys
01:04:48no matter what
01:04:48and now when I do this show,
01:04:51I genuinely do have times
01:04:53where I hurt myself
01:04:54and I have to fucking
01:04:55just get over it
01:04:56because that's what
01:04:57makes the show better
01:04:57and I do the flip
01:05:01and I don't always land it
01:05:03but even just trying it,
01:05:05I get to be up on stage
01:05:06for 70 minutes
01:05:07and feel validated
01:05:09and look out
01:05:10into an audience
01:05:10of people who care
01:05:11even just for a small
01:05:12amount of time
01:05:13that I am doing
01:05:14something for them
01:05:15and I don't know
01:05:16how to give that up
01:05:17and I think that ultimately
01:05:20I don't know
01:05:21that I want to
01:05:22but I also know
01:05:25that I have to
01:05:26which is a really
01:05:27painful thing.
01:05:28I'm sorry
01:05:28I had you on mute.
01:05:41Why did...
01:05:42Why would you have
01:05:43muted me right then?
01:05:45I was just singing
01:05:46Islands in the Stream
01:05:47with Swizz Beats
01:05:48and Roger Deakins.
01:05:49Okay, well thank you
01:05:55for your time
01:05:57Mr. President.
01:06:01No, actually
01:06:02I know we're in front
01:06:04of a bunch of people
01:06:04but can I ask you
01:06:05a question?
01:06:07Go for it.
01:06:07I'm all ears.
01:06:10It's, like you're
01:06:13not present anymore
01:06:13but you're very powerful.
01:06:15I don't understand.
01:06:16Is there a reason
01:06:17you haven't like
01:06:17you haven't like
01:06:19made a statement
01:06:20or anything
01:06:20about like
01:06:20this genocide
01:06:21that's been going on
01:06:22for...
01:06:22All ended.
01:06:36Can I get
01:06:37the house lights up
01:06:38for a second?
01:06:42Completely serious question.
01:06:44With the things I've said
01:06:45with what I've shown you
01:06:46can I see
01:06:48a show of hands
01:06:49if anyone is nervous
01:06:50about me doing
01:06:51this flip right now?
01:06:59Uh...
01:07:00Is there anyone
01:07:02who still wants to see it?
01:07:04Okay.
01:07:04Okay.
01:07:16All right.
01:07:31Yeah.
01:07:32Drum roll, please.
01:07:33What's up?
01:07:35Whoo!
01:07:47Oh
01:08:47Did I do it?
01:08:48Yeah!
01:08:50Yes!
01:08:52And you were fucking nervous.
01:08:54Okay.
01:08:55Okay.
01:08:56Oh, my God.
01:08:56Oh, my God.
01:08:57Roll that beautiful...
01:08:57I want to see that backflip.
01:08:58Roll that footage, baby.
01:09:00Shit.
01:09:01Okay.
01:09:02Okay.
01:09:03I'm not hitting it.
01:09:04I'm not hitting it.
01:09:04I didn't...
01:09:05Okay.
01:09:05We're okay.
01:09:07Okay.
01:09:09Ooh, I feel wet.
01:09:11I want to give a very special shout-out, okay?
01:09:14I want to apologize to the theater manager here.
01:09:17Mrs. Alison Destry.
01:09:19There it is.
01:09:19Yeah.
01:09:20Finally.
01:09:21Finally.
01:09:24No, I'm very sorry that I fucked that up so many times.
01:09:26It's not a hard name.
01:09:27You're right.
01:09:28I mean, in your defense, it's not even a real name.
01:09:31I made it up.
01:09:37What do you mean?
01:09:38What the fuck are you talking about?
01:09:39Yeah, it's actually just a lyric I misheard in a song performed by Swizz Beatz and Roger
01:09:43Deakins.
01:09:51Miss Jossie Kaufman, everybody.
01:09:53That is truly the end of the show.
01:10:01Really dumb thing, but I'm so lucky and glad that I get to do it.
01:10:05I want to thank everyone that truly helped me put this on.
01:10:07Our dancers, Summer, Anna, Kelsey, Sawyer.
01:10:10I want to thank the voice of Punchbowl and the green man, Miss Addie Wyrich.
01:10:13I want to shout out our two cops for the night.
01:10:17The only cops I like, Alex Bloom and Leonard Smith, Jr.
01:10:20And I want to shout out our great director.
01:10:22Where's that?
01:10:23Oh, yeah.
01:10:24I want to shout out our director, Ben Meckler.
01:10:26Again, I want to shout out the people at Dropout.
01:10:28And give it up for your face of racism right here.
01:11:13Tell me how did you, we may finally did a backflip.
01:11:22Yeah!
01:11:23That's crazy!
01:11:44That's crazy!
01:11:46We don't always see eye to eye, but boy, can that monkey drive!
01:11:56Call ended.
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56:56
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