- 7 hours ago
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00:00The many, many times you never asked me out.
00:03I was...just worried.
00:07Things might change after you had the baby.
00:10What baby?
00:19What the fuck?
00:21No.
00:22Oh God.
00:23You know, I order a single drinks.
00:25Yeah.
00:26Excuse me mate.
00:28Sadie, what are you doing down there?
00:37It's okay.
00:39It's okay.
00:41Dad?
00:43What?
00:47Sadie?
00:58The baby's crying love.
01:07Oh is she?
01:08Thanks.
01:09She's very, very loud.
01:11Have you just got in?
01:13I've been out entertaining my wonderful butcher friend, the Sausage Man.
01:17So things are getting serious with the Sausage Man then?
01:19Sausage Men are never serious Gemma.
01:21They drift in and out of one's life like the wind.
01:24Yeah, that's famously what Sausage Men do.
01:26In all the romantic sausage poems.
01:28Are you hungry?
01:29Because he could knock you up a sandwich in no time.
01:32He's here.
01:33Yeah.
01:34Hiya Gemma.
01:35Mum, we had a conversation about this.
01:37He turned up with a massive pack of chops Gemma.
01:39I'm not going to say no.
01:40No.
01:41Get him to leave.
01:42Now.
01:43You need to keep your stress levels down while you're feeding.
01:46Don't want your milk to taste bitter.
01:51Hey, come here you.
01:53Oh.
01:54Now that is a big bit of me.
01:57Thin walls work both ways.
02:00Malcolm.
02:03Malcolm.
02:04I told you not to sleep up here between the hours of 7am and 11pm.
02:16Yeah, I'm sorry.
02:17I just couldn't get to sleep last night.
02:18There was a big complicated fight over some crab paste.
02:20I didn't want to get involved yet.
02:22Malcolm.
02:23Sleeping men produce a terrible odour.
02:27And you know I'm trying to run a top class professional establishment here.
02:32Derek.
02:33The door's broken again.
02:35Oh, for fuck's sake.
02:37Lawrence.
02:38Don't you think I have enough fucking admin on my hands
02:42without having to worry about fixing every single fucking broken fucking door in this place?
02:47The front door.
02:48Oh, the front door.
02:49I'm sorry.
02:50Why didn't you say?
02:51Jesus Christ.
02:54What?
02:55I, me and the others,
02:57we don't think it's fair that Malcolm stays for free.
03:03And we all pay rent.
03:08Go away, you pathetic piece of shit.
03:15He's right, mate.
03:16Oh, cool.
03:17You're gonna have to start chipping in.
03:18Otherwise they're just gonna set fire to your sleeping bag and throw it down the bin chute.
03:22I've seen it before.
03:23I mean, it's been three months.
03:24I thought Davina would have left by now.
03:29Do you want me to put some MDF over the front door?
03:31Eh?
03:32Stop strange men getting in.
03:33Malcolm.
03:34We are the strange men.
03:44Oh my god, I am so tired.
03:47Why?
03:48Aren't you just supposed to sleep when she sleeps?
03:51Oh yeah.
03:52I'll just curl up in a ball here, shall I?
03:53Why don't mum help you with a baby?
03:55The baby has a name.
03:56Yeah.
03:57Brenda.
03:58For fuck's sake.
04:01Right, so, don't take this the wrong way, but Gemma, you look like shit.
04:08Me?
04:09Yeah.
04:10And you've got grills?
04:11Yeah.
04:12How did you even get grills?
04:14I made it.
04:16Out of a Bakewell tart tray.
04:17I've got me own little accessory side hustle in here.
04:20It's like Etsy, but with knuckle dusters.
04:23It's good to have career goals.
04:28Hey!
04:29Fuck's sake, Gemma, you fuck up Brenda.
04:34Oh, the wanderer finally returns.
04:38Oh, there we go.
04:39How's your downstairs doing?
04:41Yeah, my downstairs is fine, Rita.
04:42I had a C-section.
04:44Well, how's your upstairs doing?
04:47Oh, still tender.
04:49Oh, wait till you get to my age.
04:51Everything's tender.
04:53Upstairs, downstairs, front and back.
04:56Well, you need to be very careful, Gemma.
04:58Because one of my ladies who had a caesarean,
05:00well, baby couldn't have been more than a fortnight at all
05:02when she saw that picture of a cat who looks like Phil Foden
05:05and laughed so hard, the scar just tore open and her innards fell out,
05:08splat, right onto her thighs.
05:10She had to take herself off to her knee, carrying a bit sooner to ask her back.
05:13It's in her Tosco bag.
05:16Thanks, but I think I'm past the innards in her shopping bag phase now.
05:22Were you very tired?
05:23Yeah.
05:24I've not had more than two hours continuous sleep since Sadie was born.
05:27I thought your mum had moved in.
05:29Yeah, she has.
05:30She was great at first, although that might have been the painkillers.
05:33Now, three months later, I'm not so into it.
05:35And, er, what's Malcolm been up to?
05:38He's too scared to come over while Mum's there,
05:40so I've not seen much of him.
05:42Rita, what's this?
05:43Well, speaking of your father, these are my new erotic mugs, Gemma.
05:47This is a sexy man's chest with a willy for a handle.
05:50He's made no sense anatomically.
05:51Why has he got a giant-sized penis coming out of his ribcage?
05:54I'm trying to become one of those places hem parties go to.
05:57You know, nails, brows, cocks.
05:59Rita, you don't know the first thing about nails or brows.
06:05I do know about cocks, though.
06:07That was the implication.
06:08I bet you've been around a few cocks, haven't you, Winnie?
06:10Oh, it brings back memories, this, Rita.
06:13Winnie, you mucky bitch.
06:17Erm, would you judge a man for wearing pink deodorant?
06:19Probably.
06:20Oh, shit.
06:21Dad?
06:22Are you hiding?
06:23Is your mother with you?
06:24No.
06:25Well, then I'm not hiding, am I?
06:26Oh, God.
06:27Oh, God, she's grown up so much, hasn't she?
06:28Look at her, she's massive.
06:29And there's a little beefcake on you.
06:30Oh, she misses you.
06:31Oh, I miss her as well.
06:32Jesus, you're all right, love.
06:33You look knackered.
06:34You getting enough sleep?
06:35Yeah, just a rough night.
06:36Alright.
06:37How's the sad man bed sit?
06:38Hey, yeah, great.
06:39Yeah, I love it there.
06:40Mm-hmm.
06:41Back in your old room?
06:42Yeah, well, almost, you know.
06:44Definitely within space and distance.
06:45How are things with your mum?
06:47Great, she's there.
06:48Yeah, I'm so happy.
06:49Yeah?
06:50I'm so happy, I'm so happy.
06:51You're happy, I'm so happy.
06:52I'm so happy.
06:53I'm so happy.
06:54I'm so happy.
06:55I'm happy.
06:56I'm happy, I'm happy, I'm happy.
06:57Yeah, I'm happy, I'm happy.
07:00I'm happy.
07:01I'm happy, I'm happy.
07:02I'm so happy.
07:03I'm happy.
07:04Great she's there, huh?
07:05Yeah.
07:08Would you judge a man for wearing pink deodorant?
07:10I don't think it's pink when you put it on.
07:15Oh, no, no.
07:18Grab me one of those, actually.
07:24Christ, Jimmy, Mum's still being a nightmare.
07:27Tell you what, I'm coming over.
07:29You jump in the shower, I'll get Sadie off to sleep.
07:31Oh, I'm not being funny, babe.
07:34I'm not going through your laundry and your dirty knickers.
07:36Mm-hm. Special eats?
07:37Mum's room, but I'm not allowed in there.
07:39She said very firmly I was not to go in there.
07:41We are definitely going in there.
07:43Okay.
07:49What do you think she's hiding?
07:51God knows, but if you see a man holding sausages,
07:53promise me you won't scream.
07:55What the fuck?
07:58Oh, my God.
08:00What a bougie bitch.
08:02She's punishing me, isn't she?
08:04For being a dick when I was a newborn.
08:06She's waited 25 years, and this is her revenge.
08:10No!
08:11I'll get it, and whoever it is, I'll tell him to fuck off.
08:13You just lie down and get some rest, yeah?
08:15I didn't want to keep messaging, so I finally just came over.
08:29I've got presents for you and for Sadie.
08:32Zand, mate, Sadie's having a nap.
08:37I wasn't expecting her to give me a catwalk or anything.
08:40Oh, well...
08:42Oh, you want me to leave?
08:45Well, it's the only time that I can actually get some sleep.
08:47I mean, look at the state of her.
08:49Fuck off.
08:50Well, um...
08:51Thank you. Another time?
08:53Sure.
08:54Stars.
08:55So, how are we gonna get rid of your ex?
09:10Well, we have to.
09:11I mean, you know, I think Gemma likes having her mum around, so...
09:14Aww, I don't give a fuck.
09:16I need you off that landing before there's a mutiny, Malcolm.
09:21We could...
09:23No, you'd never go for it.
09:24What?
09:26We could inform MI6 that Davina's been grooming kids into joining Alkalita.
09:31No.
09:34No...
09:35No, no, I didn't think you'd go for it.
09:37I did come up with some other ideas while I was on the bog.
09:39You know, if I did move back in with Gemma, it'd be best if it didn't seem to be my idea, you know?
09:44Spoken like a true soy boy.
09:49Nice job.
09:51Wait, how do we get in now?
09:53It's like a cat flap.
09:54A bop for fellas.
09:57That is...
09:58absolutely...
10:00fucking genius!
10:04Shall I go?
10:05After you.
10:06The maiden voyage?
10:07Yeah.
10:08Meow!
10:11You know what doesn't need sterilising?
10:14Tits.
10:15Tits.
10:16Yeah.
10:17Well, she gets plenty of breast milk.
10:18I just use formula sometimes because it helps me out.
10:20Oh.
10:21It's all about her, isn't it?
10:23Selfish mummy.
10:25Baby wants nip-nip.
10:27I absolutely destroyed my breasts for you and Catherine.
10:29It's only right and fair you do the same.
10:31God, Mum, you must be desperate to get back out there.
10:34See the world.
10:36More of it.
10:37New bits of it.
10:39I'm not going anywhere, Gemma.
10:40You need me.
10:42Oh.
10:43Oh, God, that is a smelly one.
10:44Okay, well, can you change her?
10:45Because I've got to finish this.
10:46Sorry, love, I can't.
10:48I'm off for a bikini wax.
10:49Full Hollywood.
10:50Do you know, I never used to bother, but it's expected these days.
10:53I had a dalliance with a 28-year-old and he shrieked when he saw my thatch.
10:57Oh, my God.
10:58It used to be different, of course.
10:59When I had Catherine, the midwives told me to keep it as full as possible.
11:02You know, to clean her on the way out like those big brushes at the car wash.
11:07Is that what they told you?
11:08Do you know, I never once got brought up and I won't be home for dinner.
11:13But it's your turn to cook.
11:14I have got you some slim fast so you can make a start on shifting that baby weight.
11:18My cousin was eight stone one month after giving birth.
11:22Because she was in a coma.
11:24I know.
11:25Intensive care did wonders for her waistline.
11:27I was quite jealous.
11:28Love ya.
11:30Love ya.
11:33Oh, baby.
11:36Should we kill Nana?
11:39Yeah.
11:40Yeah.
11:43Should we kill Nana?
11:48Or should we kill Mummy instead?
11:50What if Gemma doesn't want me to move back in with her?
11:53Dad?
11:54Gemma?
11:55I can't take living with Mum anymore.
11:56How do I get in?
11:58Use the flap.
11:59Use the flap.
12:00Don't be ridiculous.
12:01Alright, come round the back.
12:03But don't tell anyone there's a door there.
12:08It's my door.
12:09Go round the back.
12:12Round the back.
12:13Round the back.
12:17Whoa.
12:19Is this where you've been staying?
12:20Eh, now I've got an airbed on the landing.
12:22My personal private space is very important to me.
12:26Especially at night.
12:28Mm-hmm.
12:29Why's that?
12:30He plays Minecraft.
12:31Shut the fuck up.
12:32So, what is on the list of ways to get rid of Davina?
12:37Well, er, she's allergic to tomatoes.
12:39Okay, good.
12:40So, we make her something.
12:43With tomatoes.
12:45Erm, a soup, perhaps.
12:47Then she ends up unconscious.
12:49So we gaslight her into thinking that she never even lived at Gemma's
12:52and it was a dream all along.
12:53Er, yeah, but it's only a mild allergy.
12:55It just makes her tongue itch.
12:56Oh, for fuck's sake.
12:57She's also allergic to horses.
12:59Oh, yeah.
13:00Excellent.
13:01Okay, I can work with that.
13:02Do you mean eating or hanging out with?
13:04Hanging out with.
13:05Great.
13:06So here's what we do.
13:07We, erm, fill the flat.
13:10With horses.
13:11Erm, three horses.
13:13Four horses?
13:15No, okay.
13:16Different tack.
13:17Er, what is she afraid of?
13:20Love.
13:21Emotional intimacy.
13:22Yeah.
13:23Brian.
13:24Yes, Degsy, mate.
13:26Yeah, yeah, I know.
13:27I think I've got an idea.
13:31Oh, come on then.
13:32What are you thinking?
13:33Okay.
13:34So.
13:35The only thing in the world that my mother is afraid of
13:39is getting back together with Dad.
13:42Yeah.
13:43Which is why he's going to propose to her.
13:45Propose what?
13:46Propose marriage.
13:47No way.
13:49How much sleep did you get last night?
13:51All in one go, 37 minutes.
13:53And I feel pretty fucking amazing, actually.
13:55This is a good idea.
13:56Okay?
13:57This is a good idea.
13:58I mean, has anyone got a better idea?
13:59No, no, no.
14:00It's a great idea, love.
14:01It's a great idea.
14:03It's a shit idea.
14:04It's the only idea we've got, so let's go with it.
14:05Thank you, Derek.
14:06God, I knew you'd have faith in me.
14:07All right, don't overdo it.
14:08Has she seen her GP recently?
14:10Can't do it.
14:12I need you off my landing, Malcolm.
14:14And I need her out.
14:15Come on.
14:16Come on.
14:17Come on.
14:23I don't want to do this.
14:26What about those horses?
14:27Are they still available?
14:28Sure, you can bail, Malcolm.
14:29But the guys did mention suffocating you in your sleep again,
14:31so it's up to you, I guess.
14:33Dad, she needs to go, remember?
14:36I'll give it a go.
14:39Okay.
14:40Okay.
14:42We'll be listening.
14:43This is going to be a disaster, remember?
14:48Never miss an edge ever, is that?
14:50Don't you fucking dare.
15:05Malcolm.
15:07You mean?
15:09You look, um, nanny.
15:12Come on, Dad.
15:14Why are you here?
15:17Why, er...
15:18Was I like a glass of water?
15:19No.
15:20Yes, me too.
15:25Um, right.
15:28Haven't you back in our lives the last three months?
15:31Gemma's life. Barely seen you.
15:33Been hiding at Castle Uza.
15:36It's, er...
15:37Well, it's made me realise...
15:39God's sake, spit it out, Malcolm.
15:43The whole day you left.
15:46Oh.
15:48Mm-hmm.
15:50And I'd like us to, um...
15:54Rekindle our relationship.
15:57You are?
15:59Oh.
16:00You're gonna ask me for the money back from the house sale?
16:02Yeah.
16:03Oh, but can I have that money back?
16:04No.
16:05Oh.
16:08Well, er...
16:09Erm...
16:10I, er...
16:11Whatever I said...
16:13Whatever I did, you know...
16:18I didn't mean it.
16:20It's Barlow. He's gone Barlow.
16:21He's gone Barlow.
16:22I...
16:23Just wanting you back for good.
16:26Gemma!
16:28Shit.
16:32What's going on?
16:34Dad wants you back!
16:35Does he?
16:36Yeah!
16:37Yeah.
16:38Definitely back for good, yeah.
16:40Do ya?
16:41Right, well I don't want him back.
16:43Mum, it's so cute.
16:44He says he's madly in love with you and that he will not leave this house until you agree to remarry him.
16:49Did ya?
16:51Oh, I did not.
16:52Such a fucking sorry boy.
16:54I am swept away by the romance, Malcolm.
16:57Oh, go on, you lot. Clear out.
16:59Got Sausage Man coming round in a bit.
17:01We did our best, didn't we?
17:02Did you say Sausage Man?
17:04Okay.
17:05Mum, how about this?
17:09Will you please get the fuck out of my home?
17:13Fucking hell.
17:14Yeah.
17:15I mean, I love you, but if you don't go, I'm gonna chuck myself out that window.
17:17Aren't we on the ground floor?
17:19Shut up.
17:20It's the Sausage Man.
17:21The late nights.
17:22The slim fast.
17:23The eating my biscuits.
17:24Oh, I know you do, because I've seen you take them.
17:26Okay?
17:27You're driving me insane.
17:28Either you go, or me and Sadie will.
17:30And it's my name on the lease, so that'll be really fucking annoying.
17:41This isn't working out for me, Gemma.
17:44I'm sorry, but I think it's time for me to leave.
17:47What the fuck?
17:49I literally just said that I can't stay here forever, much as you'd like me to.
17:54The world is calling me back to it.
17:57You understand, don't you, love?
18:01Yeah.
18:04I don't understand.
18:05You need a moment.
18:06The first few weeks of having Sadie, I couldn't have cope without you.
18:14Tell Malcolm he can keep the candles.
18:16I do have one tiny bit of advice.
18:21This first year is a very precious time, Gemma.
18:25Work out what it is what you want.
18:28And start reaching for it before you go back to work.
18:32Because once the grind starts, work, baby, life, you'll be trapped.
18:38Right.
18:41Your taxi's here.
18:42And before you know it, you'll have spent 20 years living with your father.
18:46That's the mistake I made.
18:47And I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
18:50Okay.
18:52Thanks.
18:56Good luck, love.
18:57Here you go.
19:15Fresh sheets, eh?
19:18I've just put a clothes wash on.
19:22And I was thinking,
19:23In her next couple of nights, I can do her feeds for you.
19:27And you can get some sleep.
19:31I'm so glad to be back, love.
19:33I've missed you so much, Miss Boothier.
19:35We've missed you.
19:38And I want you to know,
19:40that I will never, ever leave you again.
19:44Not until that one goes to university, anyway.
19:51You rest now, eh?
19:53Oh, hey, there's a Popeye in here.
19:59What the hell?
20:01Sadie!
20:03Sadie?
20:05Dad?
20:07Oh, my God.
20:09Jesus Christ.
20:11I thought she'd been kidnapped.
20:13I thought she'd been kidnapped.
20:15Oh, my God.
20:17Oh, my God.
20:19Oh, my God.
20:21Oh, my God.
20:22I thought she'd been kidnapped.
20:24Well, you wouldn't want to kidnap Sadie.
20:25You wouldn't want to kidnap Sadie.
20:26What's wrong with her?
20:27She's perfect.
20:28Oh, all right, love.
20:29Have you had a big coffee down the shops?
20:31Yeah.
20:33Why are all the toys outside?
20:34Because plastic is toxic.
20:36I mean, if Sadie ate that, she'd be in real trouble.
20:38Because of choking?
20:39No, I've thrown out everything that's choke size.
20:40Choking is a hazard.
20:41But ingesting or even touching plastic is catastrophic.
20:44I've been doing some research on the YouTube.
20:47Oh, God.
20:49All plastic is evil.
20:50And I don't want to make the same mistake with Sadie as I made with you and Catherine.
20:53I mean, she's in prison, isn't she?
20:56I know.
20:57But not because she ate the feet off her Barbie.
21:01Or that.
21:02Or what's she going to play with now?
21:03Oh.
21:07Ta-da!
21:09That's all I could afford, you know.
21:11They're really expensive.
21:12That's how you know they're good.
21:13What does it do?
21:14Erm.
21:15Well, not everything has to do something, Gemma.
21:17Look, she loves it.
21:18Look, look.
21:19Look, look, Carl, look.
21:21He's coming round a colour.
21:23He's coming round a colour.
21:25Fucking hell, Gem.
21:27What?
21:28That's the colour that they wear on G-Wing.
21:31They'll have you scrubbing the toilets quicker than you can say I used to be hot.
21:34Yeah, well, the beige hides the milk stains and I am still hot.
21:39You washed your cute pharmacist out yet?
21:41No.
21:42Not yet.
21:44But when I do, you know, never been turned down.
21:47If you're sure that you've still got it...
21:50Got it?
21:51No, I am it.
21:53Then, erm, well, you won't mind doing me a teeny tiny favour.
21:58And tugging me solicitor off.
22:00That's not a favour.
22:01That's like, I don't know, assault.
22:03Oh, no, no.
22:04No, no, no, no, no.
22:06You'll like it.
22:09Can't.
22:11You won't return me calls.
22:12The answer is still no.
22:16The old Gemma would have done it.
22:18No, she wouldn't.
22:20Anyway, just in case you change your mind, he really likes the sting and the smell of anti-bac gel.
22:27Don't ask me how I know that.
22:29I'm not gonna.
22:30I'm not gonna.
22:31Boop, boop.
22:32Boop, boop, boop, boop.
22:34Ba, ba, ba.
22:35Ba, ba, ba.
22:36Ba, ba, ba.
22:37Boop.
22:38I know.
22:39Hiya, baby.
22:42Three lemons and a stick?
22:43Yeah, three organic lemons.
22:45Only the best for my granddaughter.
22:46Stick's not organic then.
22:47Well, it better be.
22:48It cost me a tenner.
22:51Dad, I was wondering, how would you feel about babysitting Sadie?
22:55Well, what do you think I've been doing for the last three hours?
22:58No, I mean like all night.
22:59Oh.
23:00I kind of miss the old Gemma.
23:02You know the one who went on dates?
23:05Had fun.
23:07I'd love to.
23:09Can Derek come over?
23:10Absolutely not.
23:20Hiya.
23:22Gemma, you look amazing.
23:25Not really.
23:27I've got you a present.
23:29Wow.
23:30Yeah.
23:32It is a yellow box of hypodermic needles.
23:36That's amazing.
23:37Gemma, thank you.
23:38Didn't you give birth like six months ago?
23:40Mm-hmm.
23:41People keep hold of these things for years, don't they?
23:42Because you can't just chuck them in the bing, can you?
23:44No.
23:45No, you can't, Gemma.
23:46It's medical waste.
23:47Exactly.
23:48Which is why I did not do that.
23:51Look, sorry if I've been a bit distant lately.
23:57Have you?
23:58Just having a baby is such a big thing.
24:00And I was thinking, well I wasn't, I wasn't sure, but I thought maybe you'd want space.
24:08Oh.
24:09What I actually wanted was some very large sanitary pads.
24:12Yeah, of course, of course, sure.
24:16I'm joking.
24:17It's a joke.
24:18Haha.
24:21Do you want to have a night out soon?
24:24Yeah.
24:25Yeah, I would absolutely love that.
24:27Me, you and Cherry.
24:28Yeah.
24:29Or just me and you.
24:30Alone.
24:32Um.
24:33I should have told you who'd seen someone else.
24:34I only found out myself a few days ago when I popped in from my knit shampoo.
24:37Yeah, it's fine.
24:38I'm fine.
24:39I'm fine.
24:40It's okay not to be fine.
24:41I missed my chance, didn't I?
24:42Did I ever even have a chance?
24:43Sander was really into you, trust me.
24:44He just...
24:45moved on.
24:46Fucking hell.
24:47I mean, I just had a baby.
24:48I know.
24:49Meant that very simple creatures.
24:51All right, King.
24:52I bought supplies.
24:53Shh, shh, shh, shh.
24:54Shut the door.
24:55Right, come on.
24:56Can I just help me?
24:57Okay.
24:58So.
24:59Wow.
25:00This is my weapons-grade pulling dress, okay?
25:02I won't even have a chance.
25:03Did I ever even have a chance?
25:04Sander was really into you, trust me.
25:05He just...
25:06Moved on.
25:07Fucking hell.
25:08I mean, I just had a baby.
25:09I know.
25:10Meant that very simple creatures.
25:11All right, King.
25:12I bought supplies.
25:13Shh, shh, shh, shh.
25:14Shut the door.
25:15Right, come on.
25:16Can I just help me?
25:17Okay.
25:18So.
25:19Wow.
25:20Yes, okay?
25:21I wore this on my best ever night out, which we will be recreating tonight down to the
25:24very last detail.
25:25I just want to snog someone really fit.
25:27And that.
25:28Shush, shush, shush.
25:29You better stop shushing me.
25:31You know, I find it triggering.
25:32And you do know that baby's not asleep, don't you?
25:35Gemma doesn't warn you here.
25:37Fucking bitch.
25:39Hey, not in front of Sadie.
25:41She's going to have to learn sometime, Malcolm.
25:43Anyway, I bought supplies.
25:45Yeah, I don't drink around the baby, do I?
25:47It's not booze.
25:48I got you a really big tub of nappy creme.
25:51Does it have plastic in it?
25:53You know what?
25:54I don't know.
26:00Oh, what's he like?
26:01What's he like?
26:02If you want me to go, just say.
26:04Just stay here until Gemma's gone, all right?
26:07Now get that doll.
26:09You're complicit now, Sadie.
26:15Not ready to go through that again.
26:16Took me a year to even look at Lance's torch after I gave birth.
26:19TMI, babe.
26:20And when I did, it was another eight weeks before I could even touch it.
26:23Okay.
26:24Am I forgetting anything?
26:25Oh, passport.
26:26Yes.
26:27I was joking.
26:28No, we're not going to leave the country, but we might hire a yacht.
26:31In Stockport?
26:32Yeah.
26:33The old Gemma did it.
26:34Twice.
26:35Oh, do you want to pump those bad boys before we head out?
26:38Are you kidding?
26:39These are working for me tonight.
26:41Okay, so, if you want to take her for a walk in the morning, you've got nappies, wipes,
26:46spare clothes.
26:47I don't think I need that, love.
26:52And if there are any problems...
26:54Yeah, don't worry.
26:55I'll just call you.
26:56No, I was going to say, can you try and sort of mind yourself?
26:58Uh, yeah, sure.
27:00Not if it's an emergency, but try not to call if you can't find the cheese grater,
27:03or scissors, or batteries for the new remote.
27:06Yeah.
27:07Oh, yeah.
27:08Okay.
27:09I mean, how much trouble can one man and a baby get into sat in a flat all night?
27:12Fire, flood, babe drinks bleach.
27:15Right, shut up.
27:17Hiya.
27:18Alright, ladies.
27:20Right, hey, pizza time.
27:22You know what?
27:23I'm feeling a bit adventurous, so I might have that one with the egg on it.
27:26Ah, yeah, I should have said sooner, boss man.
27:28We're going out.
27:29What?
27:30No, no.
27:31Me and Sadie are not leaving this flat.
27:33No.
27:34Way.
27:38So this kitten we're going to pick up, do you think it'll be alright with Sadie?
27:41You know, what if she gets a rash?
27:43You still got that creme?
27:44Yeah, I might have been fibbing about the kitten.
27:47Oh!
27:48You!
27:49Oh, turn this car around!
27:51Yeah, you know I'm not going to do that, Malcolm.
27:53God!
27:54I've got one job and that's the look after Sadie.
27:56And to have coins for parking.
27:58Relax, it's not like I'm taking us all abseiling, is it?
28:01Alright, look.
28:02My eldest has informed me that her mother is getting remarried and tonight is the engagement party.
28:11Oh, mate.
28:12I'm sorry.
28:13Obviously, I don't give a fuck.
28:15Okay.
28:16Get your hands off me.
28:17Why?
28:18Why am I Sadie here?
28:20You two are here to help me ruin her night, just like she ruined my life.
28:29Ew, British tapas.
28:31Yeah, this place might have changed a bit.
28:38Oh, it's giving banka wonka.
28:40Oh, sorry I'm late.
28:41There she is.
28:42I'll catch up.
28:43Three of those, please.
28:44No problem.
28:45Rita?
28:46They're not ours.
28:47No.
28:50Have you had some tea?
28:51You know, lined your stomach?
28:53Well, my plan was to grab a chipped butty on the way here, but I got myself accidentally locked in a park.
28:57The only thing to eat was litter and pine cones and that's not a good tea by anyone's standards.
29:01You got locked in the park.
29:03Yeah.
29:04But I'm fine now.
29:05Do you want to tell us what happened then?
29:06Not every single element of my life is up for grabs as an anecdote.
29:10Right, I thought we'd start with white Russians.
29:12Ooh!
29:13Boozy milkshake.
29:14Yum.
29:15What's up, Jenna Love?
29:18Hey.
29:19You said milk.
29:21Oh.
29:22Sadie's feeding time.
29:25Babe, we can go if you wanna.
29:26This place is mid.
29:28I don't wanna go.
29:29No, you know what?
29:30I haven't had any action for months.
29:32I am not leaving here until I've been felt up at the very least.
29:35Yeah.
29:36Why don't you ask your dad for a photo?
29:37Oh, yes, please.
29:38Make sure he gets his chest air in.
29:39Of the baby.
29:40What can I have both?
29:42Hey, come on.
29:43I wanna get battered.
29:44Slow down.
29:45Sorry.
29:46Christ.
29:47This is gonna be a right fun night, isn't it?
29:50I'm not sure about this, mate.
29:51Okay, Malcolm.
29:52Once again, you're being a massive pussy.
29:53Don't let me down.
29:54Come on.
29:55This is life or death.
29:56Alright, my love.
29:57It's alright.
29:58Granddad's here.
29:59Deggsy.
30:00So, where's this engagement party then?
30:01Wrong red lion, mate.
30:02Look, Deb's left it here.
30:03This is our red lion.
30:04Not anymore.
30:05She's changed.
30:06She likes feta cheese now.
30:07No.
30:08You suck.
30:09Bitch.
30:10Oh, God.
30:11It's from Gemma.
30:12She wants a photo of Sadie.
30:13Oh, I've got a little secret, I'm sorry.
30:16It's not a little secret, okay?
30:17Don't tell your mum about this.
30:18Good girl.
30:19There's a dog in here.
30:20There's a massive dog in here.
30:21Alright.
30:22Deggsy.
30:23So, where's this engagement party then?
30:24Wrong red lion, mate.
30:25Look, Deb's left it here.
30:27This is our red lion.
30:29Not anymore.
30:30She's changed.
30:31She likes feta cheese now.
30:33Oh!
30:34You suck.
30:35Bitch.
30:36Oh, God.
30:37It's from Gemma.
30:40She wants a photo of Sadie and we're not in the flat, are we?
30:44Jesus Christ, Malcolm.
30:45She's not expecting a picture of her baby perched on the fucking cooker, is she?
30:48Yeah.
30:49Just get in really tight.
30:49Give it in.
30:50Give it in.
30:50Go on, go on.
30:52There you go.
30:52See?
30:52Right up close.
30:53Piece of piece.
30:54Can we go home now?
30:55No.
30:56There are six other red lines within a half hour's driving distance of Debs' new place.
30:59So we'd better crack on.
31:01Cheers, Gav.
31:01Cheers.
31:02Oh, I want Debs' barred, by the way.
31:03Consider it done.
31:06Shh.
31:07Come on.
31:10Look at my baby's nose.
31:12Can you take it in a cupboard?
31:14Proper one, please.
31:16Right, come on.
31:18So tell me, whatever happened on this best ever night out?
31:21Oh.
31:22Okay.
31:23So I drank cocktails.
31:24Oh.
31:24I danced until dawn.
31:26I watched the sun rise with a very gorgeous personal trainer called Mason, who months later
31:31gave me an STI.
31:32But we'll skip over that bit.
31:33Mason Groves?
31:34Oh my god, you know him?
31:35Only by reputation.
31:37My mate works at Knob Clinic.
31:40This is the last red line we're going into.
31:47You understand?
31:48Yeah, you said that three red lines ago.
31:50I said he's tired and I need to change her.
31:53Is that a baby?
31:54Yeah.
31:56Why?
31:57Why is it a baby?
31:58Why do you bring your baby in here?
32:00Um, is there possible anywhere I could change a nappy?
32:04There's no ladies' toilet.
32:07There are no ladies.
32:10There's no ladies.
32:12I think.
32:14A bit gents are down there.
32:15Okay.
32:17I'd better go and check it out first, all right?
32:19All right, I'll wait here.
32:19Yeah, I'll take it.
32:20What are you doing?
32:21Well, I don't want to take her in there.
32:22There could be men in there, couldn't there?
32:23Hurry up.
32:24I wouldn't go in there, mate.
32:44The seat's made of plastic.
32:45And kicked in shit.
32:46Dad, I asked you for a proper picture ages ago.
32:57Wait, where are you?
32:58I'm in the flat, obviously.
33:02Who's with you?
33:03Is Derek there?
33:05No, no.
33:06It's, um...
33:07Foz.
33:09Foz?
33:09Hi, Foz.
33:11What are you doing with my dad?
33:12I'm having a piss.
33:14He's joking.
33:15Yeah, oh, actually, he's not joking, no.
33:17Foz is a mate from work and he's just come round to use the toilet
33:19because his is broken, you know, so we're just at the bathroom.
33:21You're in there with him?
33:23Yeah, just, you know, showing him the bath mat.
33:26Anyway, he said he was asleep, but she's awake now,
33:28so I'll send you some photos, all right?
33:29Okay, see you later.
33:31Oh, God.
33:33I think I got away with that.
33:35Gonna finish my piss now?
33:37Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem.
33:39All right.
33:42Why does your dad look absolutely terrified?
33:45Oh, that him is nice.
33:49That's a yucca plan, isn't it?
33:51I don't know where a skinny lad.
33:53Oh, yeah.
33:55Yeah, you're right.
34:00Mmm.
34:02Now that is a tasty snack.
34:04Oh, if you're getting your snack, Gemma,
34:05I would love some peanuts.
34:07Yeah.
34:07Oh, I'm fine.
34:12Hey.
34:13I'm fine.
34:13Hi.
34:14Is your friend okay?
34:15Mm-hmm.
34:16She's not had any tea, so...
34:18I'm Hodge.
34:20Paul Hudson.
34:21People call me Hodge.
34:22I'm Gemma.
34:23People call me Gemma.
34:25Ah!
34:26Ow!
34:28You have an heart attack.
34:30Well, let's hope so.
34:32So, tell me about yourself, then.
34:34Well, I'll work in...
34:35Actually, no, I can't do that.
34:35I need to whimper.
34:39Cherry!
34:39Oh, yeah.
34:45Hey, babe.
34:45My boobs are about to explode.
34:47Oh, right.
34:48Was it fake?
34:49No, you're bellend.
34:50They're full of milk.
34:51Oh, my God.
34:52Why?
34:52She's just had a baby and she's missed a feed.
34:54Oh, how do I make it stop?
34:55You need to get the milk out.
34:57Shall I get a pen lid and a knife?
34:59Why?
35:00Like when people's throats swell up,
35:01stab the pen lid in and release the pressure.
35:03You want to perform a tracheotomy on her tears?
35:05Well, I don't know.
35:06How do men know so little about the female body?
35:09Come on, babe.
35:12Come here.
35:12I'm coming.
35:13Just get me back.
35:15That's it.
35:15I'm calling her cab.
35:17Can I borrow Sadie, then?
35:19Oh, what?
35:19I'll bring her back.
35:20Why did you even drag us along tonight, eh?
35:26The plan was to turn up at the engagement party
35:30and pretend I'd had a baby with a much younger,
35:33fitter, less of a massive bitch woman.
35:35And who was I in all this?
35:38Personal assistant.
35:40I know.
35:40I know it's stupid.
35:41I just...
35:42I wanted Debs to think that I was doing great without her
35:45and I wasn't some...
35:47sad loser.
35:48Oh, mate.
35:51Come on.
35:52You're not a sad loser.
35:54Oh, finally.
35:55The fucking kids are giving me the actual address.
35:57Let's go, Max.
35:58Let's go.
35:59Look, I'm going to change her first, though, okay?
36:01All right, come on.
36:03Shh.
36:04You need to self-express, babe.
36:06Are you joking massaging your breasts?
36:09No, I'm punching them with bricks.
36:10She shouldn't even be here.
36:13She should be at home with her baby.
36:15Who the fuck asked your opinion?
36:18Are you starting on me?
36:19Oh, once I start, I don't know what...
36:21Oh, well...
36:22There's been a complaint.
36:25Miss?
36:26You're no milking in here.
36:28I need you to leave.
36:29What?
36:30Did you grasp?
36:32Oh, no, it's Gemma.
36:34Dad, we're coming home.
36:36No, no, don't do that.
36:38Yes, I do need to do that because I need to pump.
36:41Disgusting.
36:42Oh, my God, are you not at the flat?
36:44What?
36:45Where are you?
36:46I'm in Derek's car.
36:47We're going to the Red Lion.
36:49Which Red Lion?
36:50We'll drop you a pin.
36:51Do join us, Gemma.
36:52Fucking you.
36:53Sorry.
36:54Don't apologise.
36:55Oi, Rita.
36:58Are you coming or what?
37:00Oh, get me a Bacardi and Coke and I'll catch you up.
37:04Eh?
37:05Don't touch my hair, Nartta.
37:07Yes, Mummy.
37:22Right.
37:23Oh, Karen.
37:24Give me that bag.
37:25Yeah, I can explain.
37:33It seems so painful.
37:37Okay.
37:38So, here's the plan.
37:39No, there is no plan.
37:40Okay.
37:40I need to express this incredibly painful milk and pour it down the sink because it's probably
37:4430% Chardonnay and then I'm taking my baby home.
37:46Okay?
37:47Disabled toilets?
37:48At least you get your own sink.
37:49Yeah.
37:49Why are you so spiteful?
37:50You can't just give me two fucking minutes to go find my ex-wife, bring her over and introduce
37:54you as my hot new girlfriend, can you?
37:56Have you lost your fucking mind?
37:57Gemma, everyone says we'd make a great couple.
38:00Malcolm says it all the time.
38:02Would it hurt just to play along?
38:04Eh?
38:04I mean, Deb's is a real bitch, apparently.
38:10Derek, you need it.
38:12You invited me?
38:13Yeah, of course I did.
38:14Ages ago.
38:16But did you not get it?
38:17Andy's been eating the mail.
38:18Who the fuck do you two hang around with?
38:22Me and the kids have been a bit worried about you.
38:23I'm fine.
38:26Oh.
38:27Hello.
38:29Oh, who's this gorgeous little thing?
38:31Sadie.
38:32She is my new daughter.
38:34Oh, we're not doing that, are we?
38:35Mm-hmm.
38:35And this is her mother, my beautiful fiancé, Cherry, who is also really fucking hot and
38:40not a total harpy.
38:42Fiancé?
38:43Don't fucking dare.
38:44And this is my bodyguard, Malcolm.
38:47Kevin Coaster.
38:49Malcolm Kevin Coaster.
38:51Okay.
38:52Well, it's an improvement on last time we saw you, eh?
38:54Mm-hmm.
38:59See that?
39:00Total fucking bitch.
39:01She sings really nice.
39:05Are you sure she's a bitch, mate?
39:09She's wonderful.
39:11She's the love of my life and I messed it up, Malcolm.
39:13There you go, mate.
39:13There you go.
39:14Come on.
39:15What?
39:16You know what to do, don't you?
39:17Yeah.
39:18Yeah.
39:26Hello.
39:28So much for a fun night out.
39:30It's been pretty shit.
39:32Did you ever miss your life before the twins?
39:34Oh, God.
39:35I did at first.
39:36When you're in the thick of it, you're thinking, what have I done?
39:38Why two at the same time?
39:40That's not.
39:40I'm going to leave the one that does not stop crying under a bush.
39:45When you realise you're their entire universe, there is no going back to your own life.
39:52Well, more importantly, you don't want her.
40:00Thanks.
40:02If it helps, I really like you, Gemma.
40:06And Sadie fucking adores her.
40:09Oh, my God.
40:20Dad!
40:23No, it's okay.
40:24It's fine.
40:25Look, they're not made out of plastic.
40:31Want to like it before the police turn up?
40:33Yeah.
40:33God, come on.
40:36Sorry, Debs.
40:37Fuck you, Marcus.
40:38Fuck you, Marcus.
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