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BRITCOM I
  • 2 days ago

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00:00Try and keep him up here.
00:10And that.
00:14Sadie!
00:26Sadie!
00:32Go away!
00:36Not a fan of the squishy banana then?
00:42Sadie!
00:56You look like you could do with a break.
01:01I had a lovely rest when I had that filling done last month, so I'm all good.
01:05Well, I've got a surprise for you.
01:09Have you booked me in for a root canal?
01:11The three of us are going away for the weekend.
01:14What?
01:15Dad!
01:17God's sake!
01:21Who is this?
01:22What do you want?
01:23Gem!
01:24Grandad Jackie!
01:25You still living in that little flat?
01:27Ground floor?
01:28Yeah.
01:29Why?
01:34Gemma!
01:36Grandad?
01:37Dad?
01:38Oh, Malcolm.
01:39Were you going away, son?
01:41Finally made your way through all the women in the Costa Brava?
01:44I'm on the run from the Spanish Mafia after getting myself mixed up in a casino heist.
01:49I wanted to see my beautiful great granddaughter.
01:53Yes, I did.
01:54Yes, I did.
01:55Dad, I think I'm just going to move these boxes because I don't want them falling on
01:59say.
02:00You know, is that alright with you?
02:01Don't be so bloody wet, Malcolm.
02:02I need to keep them here because there's no room in that tiny little wank pad I'm renting.
02:07Oh, well, you can borrow the flat when we go away.
02:09Oh.
02:10Oh, what?
02:11We're just, you know, just having a bit of a break, you know.
02:14Where are we going?
02:15No, there's not a lot of room, Dad, you know, so just...
02:17Sorry.
02:20I'll be fine on my own.
02:25Could you just give me my bag?
02:28I need my pills.
02:30There you go, Grandad.
02:33Thanks, Anne.
02:35Is it really such a bad idea, him coming with us?
02:38I guess it's the worst idea you've ever had.
02:42Okay, okay, I'll just think about it, alright?
02:46No, that tea's stone cold.
02:47Hey, let me get you some water, Dad.
02:49Water's disgusting, Malky.
02:51I'm not wasting the last years of my life drinking water.
02:54Grandad, water's not disgusting.
02:56It doesn't taste of anything.
02:57It's water.
02:58Disgusting.
02:59Same for dinner.
03:00Depends who's cooking.
03:02Mrs. Malky?
03:05No chance.
03:07Hey, Dad actually makes really normal food these days.
03:10I could rattle up a spanakopita.
03:12I don't know what the fuck that is, Malcolm, but I am not eating it.
03:15So, what's the deal with the boxes?
03:22It's a new business venture.
03:24Europe's old news.
03:26I'm exploring the UK market once again.
03:29Actually, I was wondering if you might like to come in on this one, Malky.
03:33I've always thought we'd make great business partners.
03:36Me?
03:37Yeah, well, I could be interested.
03:41Dad, you don't even know what it is.
03:42What does matter, does it?
03:44What is it?
03:46It's an energy drink for ladies called shoes.
03:51Why is it called shoes?
03:53Ladies like shoes, don't they?
03:55You see, you buy all these cans from me, becoming a key member of my sales team.
03:59And you sell them on again at a profit, and I get some of your money.
04:02And you get paid by your sales team when they sell them on again.
04:06Wouldn't it be easier just to sell it to a shop?
04:08No.
04:09No, Malcolm, never.
04:10You must never, ever sell them to a shop.
04:12Okay, yeah.
04:13You sell them to someone else, and they sell them to someone else.
04:16And that's how we get paid.
04:18So it's a pyramid scheme.
04:19Shh, I'm about to really mean.
04:22Well, how much do you need?
04:24Dad?
04:25No.
04:26And you.
04:32He said he's here to see Sadie, but I know there's another reason.
04:35Do you think he, er, killed someone?
04:41No.
04:42He's not you.
04:43It'll be about a woman.
04:44Or a business deal.
04:45Or both.
04:47Oh.
04:48You think he hasn't paid up on an indecent proposal?
04:50I bet he owes a gangster 5,000 quid for shagging his wife.
04:54Oh.
04:56Hey, get him to visit me.
04:58Oh, Grandad was always my favourite.
05:00Of course he was.
05:01He's a con man.
05:02As the only other criminal in the family, I can see why you guys have a lot in common.
05:06Hey, I bet Dad's not happy though, is he?
05:08No.
05:09He locked himself in the loo for two hours the other day, after Grandad smeared baby food on the back of his trousers,
05:14then told next door that he'd shit his pants.
05:17Aw, that's hilarious.
05:18Dad's booked us a holiday though.
05:20It's really sweet.
05:22I bet it's the caravan park.
05:23It won't be the caravan park.
05:25You and Catherine used to love coming here when you were kids.
05:28Mm-hmm.
05:30And Grandad brought me and Jess once.
05:32Yeah.
05:33With his friend Lorraine from the Buckees.
05:35And his sister.
05:39Look at that view.
05:42Name me a hotel anywhere in the world with a better view than this.
05:46There isn't one.
05:47There isn't one.
05:49If we had the weather, this place would be full of fucking Ruskies.
05:53Right, let's have a look at the luxury accommodation you've booked.
05:57Okay.
06:20Something died in here.
06:21It just needs a bit of air in, doesn't it?
06:23Hey, crack a window open.
06:24Here we go.
06:27Oh God, maybe not that one.
06:31So I thought Sadie and Gemma could have the master bedroom.
06:34Master?
06:36Yeah, it's in here, look.
06:39And Dad, you and me are in here.
06:40Yeah, a bit alright.
06:41Yeah, it's cosy, isn't it?
06:42Lovely work, Malky.
06:43Well, bigger on the website, but...
06:45One knife.
06:46One frying pan.
06:47And no tin opener.
06:48Sorry.
06:49Oh no, Dad, it's brilliant.
06:50It's Sadie's first holiday.
06:51It's your first holiday.
06:52It's your first holiday, Sadie.
06:53First holiday with Grandad, is it?
06:54Yes.
06:55Oh, okay.
06:56Give it a hold.
06:57You go change your top.
06:58Yeah, erm...
06:59The thing is, you know, there wasn't enough room in the car once we got all Sadie's stuff in,
07:04so I didn't pack a case, you know.
07:05I haven't got a change of clothes.
07:06Nothing.
07:07Not even pants?
07:08Yeah, I've got pants obviously.
07:09Or pants.
07:10Got socks.
07:11And I got me toothbrush, look.
07:12I just need to remember to scrub my smalls in the morning.
07:14You went with a toothbrush though, eh.
07:15Come on Dad.
07:16Come on Dad.
07:17You've got to MAX.
07:18And you've got your first holiday.
07:19Oh, this is your first holiday, Sadie.
07:21First holiday with Grandad, is it?
07:22Yes?
07:23Oh, okay.
07:24It's your first holiday with Grandad, is it?
07:25Yes?
07:26Oh, okay, give it a hold.
07:27You go change your top.
07:28Yeah.
07:29The thing is, there wasn't enough room in the car once we got all Sadie's stuff in,
07:32Okay, I'll put tea on, shall I?
07:35Egg on toast?
07:37Yeah.
07:38Nope. Egg on egg?
07:40Look, I tell you what, why don't we go to the restaurant, eh?
07:44Yeah, look, it says here that it often serves food.
08:02Don't, don't make eye contact.
08:04Well, it smells good, doesn't it?
08:06This place is muddy.
08:09My God, what are they cleaning these tables with? Ribena?
08:15This one's good.
08:16Okay.
08:20Right, well.
08:25Are you ready to order?
08:27Yeah, shall we just do three fish and chips and I'll have a coat?
08:29Oh yeah, me too, thanks.
08:31May also, with two double whiskies poured right on in.
08:38What do you think of her, Malky?
08:40Eh?
08:41Oh, she seemed courteous and efficient.
08:46No, that was suspiciously quick.
08:51Erm, may I enquire as to what is this?
08:55A plum.
08:56A what?
08:57A plum.
08:58It's a type of fruit.
09:00Yeah, we know what a plum is.
09:01Why is it on the same plate as fish and chips?
09:02Do you want me to get the cook out here?
09:04Because she's just spent the last hour crying.
09:07And this will just finish her off.
09:09Is she as feisty as you?
09:11That's for you, charmer.
09:12Hmm?
09:13That's for you.
09:14That's for you.
09:15Charmer.
09:16That's for you.
09:17Yeah.
09:18That's for you.
09:19That's for you.
09:20That's for you.
09:21That's for you.
09:22That's for you.
09:23That's for you.
09:24That's for you.
09:25That's for you.
09:26That's for you.
09:27That's for you.
09:28That's for you.
09:29Oh.
09:30Dad, time to say goodnight.
09:33Hey, this is us.
09:34Yeah, I'll be staying somewhere else tonight, son.
09:36Give you some space.
09:37Snuck the shag wagon keys out of reception.
09:40Come on.
09:42Right next door.
09:44Andy.
09:45I hope these are soundproof.
09:47Oh, Jackie.
09:48Jackie.
09:49Oh, Jackie.
09:50Jackie.
09:51Oh, Christ.
09:52Oh, Jackie.
09:53Oh, Jackie.
09:54Will you fucking kids stop pissing in the kitchen sink while your dad's in the shower?
10:13If you can't hold it, do it out the door.
10:16Hey.
10:17Sleep okay?
10:19Yeah.
10:20Yeah, you know.
10:22Eventually.
10:23You can go a long time.
10:25Yeah, yeah.
10:26He's got a condition.
10:27He tried to tell me about it once, but I just blocked it out, you know.
10:31Before he gets back, do you think you should speak to him?
10:33About what?
10:34About how mean he is to you.
10:36Oh, no, no.
10:37We don't need to do that.
10:38You're having a good time, aren't you, love?
10:40Brilliant.
10:41What?
10:43The holiday's a disaster.
10:45Gemma, hey, too.
10:46Yeah, of course she does.
10:47It's off-season at a caravan park, Malcolm.
10:49Yeah, well, I need you here to make it fun, don't I?
10:51Please.
10:52Is there an arcade?
10:53Yeah, yeah, there's an arcade.
10:54Definitely not coming.
10:55I can't do arcades.
10:56Well, I don't think you have to go to the arcade if you don't want to.
10:59Although, granted, I've not read the whole park rulebook.
11:01No.
11:02Oh!
11:03Dead!
11:04So when are you going to boot the useless dickhead out your flat?
11:09What?
11:10A beautiful, smart young woman like you.
11:14Whole world her oyster.
11:16Shouldn't be shacked up with her old man.
11:18Yeah, well, I've got a baby.
11:20Just don't let that become an excuse.
11:24Oh, Pedalo trips off, I'm afraid.
11:27Sewerage spillage.
11:28But I have found a shop that sells only purple items.
11:31No.
11:32Eh?
11:33Well, how about this?
11:34The fabulous Coaster Museum?
11:36I think I'll take Sadie to the soft play.
11:38Okay.
11:39I think I'm going to go and watch some snooker in the clubhouse.
11:41Good idea.
11:42Oh, listen.
11:43If, you know, Thingy comes knocking, just tell her I've had a change of heart.
11:48She'll accept it from you.
11:49You've got very feminine energy.
11:55Dee Dee!
11:56Mummy's just over here, okay, Sadie?
12:04It's meant to be freezing all weekend.
12:07Can't go for this place, eh?
12:08No.
12:09I don't think they've updated it since the 90s.
12:12Who the fuck is McHammer?
12:14You know, they still end the talent show with everyone singing No Limits.
12:18And even that was a dated reference when I was little.
12:20Oh, my God, you came here as a kid, too?
12:22Mm.
12:23It was miserable.
12:24Shani.
12:25Gemma, my dad bought this.
12:27I honestly think he has Stockholm Syndrome.
12:28He truly remembers us having a great time.
12:30Yeah, my mum loves this place.
12:33Especially the talent show.
12:34God, I wanted one of those talent show trophies so much when I was little.
12:37Well, I can't imagine you would have had much competition.
12:39What was your talent?
12:40Oh, no, I didn't want to win it.
12:41I just wanted it.
12:42For doing nothing?
12:43Yeah.
12:44Oh, my kind of woman.
12:46Here, Sadie.
12:48Up we go.
12:50Home sweet home.
12:53Oh, God.
12:54Don't worry, Gemma.
12:55I've come to save you from this fucking dreadful holiday.
12:58Derek's boss was a gift.
12:59Well, thank you, but you cannot stay here.
13:01Obviously, you don't want to.
13:03Malcolm stinks of baby sick and wet socks.
13:05Oh, yes to both of those.
13:06You've got to admit, you've got a great nose.
13:08Did you manage to go and pick me up some clean clothes?
13:10I'm not your fucking handmaiden, Malcolm.
13:11All right.
13:18Yep.
13:19There's nothing else to do.
13:20I thought that we could get Sadie addicted to the slotties nice and early.
13:23I told you, I don't do arcades.
13:25Oh, yeah, he doesn't do arcades.
13:27Why?
13:28Is it the lights?
13:29The noises?
13:30The eroticism?
13:31The grabbers.
13:33No.
13:34No.
13:35No.
13:36No.
13:37No!
13:38Malcolm, you've got about 30 seconds to knock me out, mate.
13:40Oh, I'm not going to do that, am I?
13:41Oh, then you can only hold yourself to blame for what's about to happen.
14:01I think that's enough now, mate, eh?
14:06I mean, you've been here for three hours.
14:08It's never enough, Malcolm.
14:09That's the problem with the grabbers, isn't it?
14:12Well, Sadie has 15 toys now, so I think that's enough.
14:15Arguably too many.
14:16Why are we watching this jackass playing on the grabber?
14:18Oh, Dad, this is Derek.
14:20He's my friend.
14:21Best friend?
14:22Yeah, best friend.
14:23Yeah, fuck you, platypus.
14:24Fuck you.
14:25Right back into the egg from which you were hatched.
14:27Oh.
14:28Derek, I've got an investment opportunity.
14:30But he's targeted at the sophisticated gentleman.
14:33Mark's not interested, then.
14:35I'm looking for five smart chaps to come on the sales team for my new energy drink for ladies.
14:40Grandad, no.
14:41Well, he's obviously a moron.
14:43Hey.
14:44Oh, sorry, you're talking about your mummy.
14:45Shut up.
14:46Shut up.
14:47Shut up.
14:48You're all making me lose concentration.
14:49Oh, I've got a surprise for you, though.
14:51I might turn this holiday around.
14:53What is it?
14:54I've entered you for the talent contest.
14:56Dad, why?
14:57Well, because you always wanted one of those little trophies they give out, didn't you?
15:00Yeah, I wanted one, but I didn't want to have to do anything to get it.
15:02Come on, Gem.
15:03Hey, it might be fun.
15:04Hey.
15:0517.
15:0618.
15:07Oh.
15:08Calm down.
15:09Has anyone got a pound?
15:10No.
15:11Has anybody got a pound?
15:12Fuck.
15:13Mate, I've been looking for you.
15:14You all right?
15:15Hey, mate.
15:16Have you been here all night?
15:17I thought they closed at 11.
15:18They do.
15:19I've just hidden that tiny children's bus over there.
15:20Just, um, watching the grabbers.
15:21Strategising.
15:22Until they came and turned the power back on.
15:23It's probably enough now, eh?
15:24Look, you've got loads.
15:25I do this all the time on family holidays.
15:26Kids thought it was amazing, you know?
15:27Winning them so many toys.
15:28Yeah.
15:29And then they got a little bit older and realised it was probably symptomatic of a mental illness.
15:32Right.
15:33Right.
15:34I don't even know why I bother with these.
15:47What's the point for someone who can't walk?
15:50I don't even know why I bother with these.
16:00What's the point for someone who can't walk?
16:03Oh, God, sorry.
16:06It's fine.
16:08I, too, love taking my boots off and vomiting them.
16:11Usually after a bottle of red, though.
16:14Oh, God.
16:17Ugh.
16:18You dream of that holiday in the boutique hotel with the spa and the Egyptian cotton sheets.
16:25Life hands you a caravan park with sticky tables and a vaping bunny.
16:29Hmm.
16:30My dad sent me for the talent show.
16:32Oh, my God, that's so extra.
16:34Mm-hmm.
16:35I was wondering, do you want to do something together?
16:38I would love that.
16:41No line dancing.
16:42Obviously no line dancing.
16:45I just don't know how to open, you know.
16:48Well, lucky for you, son, I have a solution.
16:51Meet the lovely Rosetta.
16:53Uh, well, do you two know each other?
16:54We became acquainted recently.
16:56Oh, God.
16:57Do you want my help or not?
16:59Yeah.
17:00It's my friend.
17:01He's addicted to...
17:02What the fuck, Malcolm?
17:08You got me tasered.
17:09I'm sorry.
17:10It can be quite pleasant if you hit the right spot.
17:13I bought it on dark web using bitcoins.
17:14Yeah, it fucking hurts, you psycho.
17:19Come on.
17:24Oh, my God.
17:25What have you done?
17:25I think it worked.
17:34You're joking.
17:36Thanks, Jackie.
17:38My pleasure.
17:39Hi.
17:40May I?
17:40Yeah, all right.
17:41That's the last one sold to another idiot.
17:58Now I've just got to wait for the cash to roll in.
18:01My little Gemma, star of the show.
18:04Run, Dad.
18:05We're just doing a duet.
18:06It's nothing amazing.
18:07Everything you do is amazing, Gemma.
18:09And I don't want you ever forgetting that.
18:12Or letting anyone hold you back.
18:14Gotta go.
18:15Charmaine's waiting.
18:17Bye, baby.
18:18Oh, what's that dick pills?
18:21You need something?
18:21Not me, mate.
18:22It's like a stick of rock.
18:24Long, thin and brittle.
18:25I've had many addictions in my time.
18:30And I've beaten them all.
18:32Clothes, fags, cars.
18:34You still do all of them?
18:35Yes, but I'm not addicted to them, Malcolm.
18:37I've learned to control them.
18:39You know, I've never been addicted to anything.
18:41Of course you haven't, son.
18:42You're too cautious.
18:43Too afraid of the world.
18:45Just like your mother.
18:46See, I thought with Malcolm getting rid of the shrew,
18:49it would free him up to grab life by the bollocks.
18:52Allow him to sow his wild oats.
18:53My oats are all right where they are, thank you.
18:55But instead, he's up to his arse in nappies
18:57and letting babies use him as a sick bucket.
18:59I don't let her, do I?
19:00You are a disappointment, son.
19:02And I'm only telling you because it's better you know it now
19:04while he can do something about it.
19:11And don't make that noise.
19:13You know, as much as this has been a truly terrible holiday,
19:28I am really glad I met you.
19:29Me too.
19:31Look, this might seem really, I don't know, forward.
19:35You asking me out?
19:36No, you're not my type, babe.
19:38I've never been remotely fanny curious, unfortunately.
19:42No, I wondered if you ever heard of this energy drink for ladies
19:46called shoes.
19:48Because I have got an amazing investment opportunity for you.
19:52Oh, you mean you're looking for the next idiot to sell to.
19:55Gemma?
19:57He's a con man.
20:00Hey.
20:02Mm, mm.
20:03Woo!
20:04Are you excited?
20:05I'm going to bed.
20:06What?
20:06You can't go to bed.
20:07I can.
20:08What are you doing?
20:09Next up we have Gemma Adsham.
20:11Where are you going?
20:12Couldn't help yourself, could you?
20:14No.
20:16Gemma.
20:17Next on the list.
20:18No, I'll have a go.
20:19Do you have a talent?
20:23No.
20:23No.
20:24Hey.
20:24No.
20:25I might do.
20:27Malcolm, Malcolm.
20:27This is going to be fucking hilarious.
20:29Yes.
20:49Whoa, yes.
21:04Make some noise.
21:06We have one to beat, girls and boys.
21:11Yes, Malcolm.
21:13Fantastic.
21:14Next up we have nine-year-old Lin Lee.
21:17Hi.
21:25Fuck off.
21:41Shit.
21:42Shit.
21:43Shit.
21:43You all right, love?
21:52Mm-hmm.
21:55Mm-hmm.
21:56I guess it wasn't the best idea coming on holiday with a small baby, was it?
22:00To be honest, it is harder than just being at home.
22:04Yeah.
22:06I've got something for you.
22:08What?
22:09What?
22:11Ta-da!
22:13Dad, did you win?
22:14No, no.
22:15I had to bribe a small boy into ending it over.
22:17How much?
22:19Three bin bags full of cuddly toys from the grabbers.
22:22And it over, then?
22:28Well, better wash me socks if I'm getting off, eh?
22:30God.
22:35I'm not saying that I definitely don't want to go back to the salon,
22:38but I have been dabbling with better-paid other employment.
22:41Dabbling?
22:42I've applied for 30 jobs.
22:44Save some for the rest of us, Jesus!
22:46Babe, I haven't got one interview.
22:47Why does nobody want me?
22:49But what qualifications do you have, Miss Maudsgrave?
22:52Why the ones you get free from school?
22:54Oh, how common?
22:56Excuse me.
22:56Excuse me.
22:57Sorry.
23:01Oh, my God.
23:02You look amazing.
23:03Should I look amazing?
23:04I've been saving Rhyme Time a rocket until it was really needed.
23:07Ah, excuse me.
23:08We're on the list.
23:09Excuse me.
23:09Excuse me.
23:09We're on the list.
23:10Hiya.
23:12Name?
23:13Oh, Cherry Lewis and Gemma Moskrip.
23:15And you actually have a baby with you?
23:16Otherwise?
23:18That baby belongs to both of us.
23:20We are very much in love.
23:23Don't make me report you to the Equality and Human Rights Commission.
23:26Me and the EHRC are like that.
23:29Have a lovely Rhyme Time.
23:38Rocky's been at this library every week for the past eight years.
23:41He's an institution.
23:43This has been quite the build-up.
23:45That is Rocky.
23:53Whoa.
23:55Ah, well.
23:56There's always tomorrow.
23:57So, to end the session, we're going to hold our babies tight.
24:08We're going to tell them we love them.
24:10I love you.
24:11I love you.
24:13Namaste.
24:15Namaste.
24:15Right, can I have my baby back now?
24:18Oh, Soz.
24:19Me and you.
24:20Rocky's captivating, isn't it?
24:22Yeah, he is very nice to look at.
24:25But I'm not sure it was entirely necessary for him to be topless during Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.
24:30Skin-on-skin contact is essential for babies, Gemma.
24:33Yeah, he didn't have a baby with him.
24:37He's coming over.
24:37Oh, my God!
24:38What do I look like?
24:39Give me the baby.
24:39Give me the baby.
24:40No, you take the baby.
24:40No, I'll take the baby.
24:41No, you take...
24:41Shh.
24:42Hi.
24:43Hi.
24:43I used to bring my twins to all your sessions.
24:47But they've started school now, so I can't bring them anymore.
24:50Little bastards.
24:51Aww.
24:53I love babies, me.
24:54Oh.
24:55Yeah.
24:55And I love women.
24:56Who carry babies.
24:58There's something about the female body after childbirth that...
25:02I just find...
25:05intoxicating.
25:06Oh.
25:07Oh, my God.
25:14I know.
25:15I love him.
25:17I baked you these.
25:20It's from a Paul Hollywood recipe, you know, not one by a woman.
25:23Yeah, I'll try one later.
25:24So, Malky, are you busy on Friday?
25:27Evening.
25:28No.
25:28How do you know?
25:29Malcolm, the day you have Friday night plans is the day I can finally hold my umbrella up,
25:34float off into the sky to find some other pathetic loser to teach him the ways of being a great bloke.
25:39Okay, fair enough.
25:40Friday morning, early.
25:42Oh, I'm not sneaking you out of a hotel without paying again.
25:45Took days last time for my anxious tummy to recover.
25:47The Jag needs a service, and the only place I trust with her is a 50-minute drive into the Peak District.
25:53I thought you might like to tag along.
25:55Can I think about it?
25:56Nope.
25:57Doesn't need to.
25:58We're in.
25:59Great.
26:00We should have done something like this years ago, Malky.
26:02Me and you, the open road, your pet pillock in the back.
26:10Can I have a word?
26:21Yeah.
26:22I just, I can't stop thinking about you.
26:25We met three minutes ago.
26:28You're trying to tell me you haven't had half the mums in here?
26:30No, I never mix business with pleasure.
26:32And you are all business.
26:39You see, only the ripest ladies make their way to Rocky's bed.
26:42How ripe am I exactly?
26:45You know when a banana's gone really, really brown?
26:47Mm-hmm.
26:47That ripe.
26:49Right.
26:53So, can I get your number?
26:58Rocky?
26:58Mm-hmm.
27:00She is your baby.
27:02I don't know why you keep pretending she's not.
27:06Are you going to throw us out on the street again?
27:10What do you expect us to do, Rocky?
27:12Okay.
27:12Well, her dad.
27:13I...
27:14Rocky.
27:17You said you loved me, Rocky.
27:19I don't know.
27:19I don't know this woman.
27:20What?
27:22What?
27:24So, I've just checked my schedule, and the Peak District is a go-go.
27:29You know what this means, don't you?
27:30Lads on tour.
27:32Lads on tour.
27:34Malcolm in the back.
27:36Derek in the front.
27:37No, I should be in the front.
27:38Shut the fuck up.
27:39Alpha's in the front.
27:41Beta's in the back.
27:42We don't like Sigmas.
27:44They go in the boot.
27:46Oh, come on.
27:46Cheer up, Malcolm.
27:48We're getting to spend time with your awesome dad.
27:50Look at him.
27:51He's so cool.
27:52He's not, though, is he?
27:54He fucking is.
27:55I think I'm in love with him.
27:56I'd probably kiss him if he asked me.
27:57He's a con man.
27:58And a womanizer.
28:00Someone lobbed that apple very far from the tree, didn't they?
28:04All right, so he was a bit of a dick in the past,
28:07but it feels like this road trip is his way of trying to reconnect with you.
28:10You know, like a bit of father-son bonding.
28:12You think so?
28:13Definitely, mate.
28:15So why are you coming?
28:16Because it's a really cool fucking car, Malcolm.
28:18I want to ride in a really cool car.
28:21Jesus!
28:23I thought it was a joke.
28:25You humiliated Rocky.
28:27It's told the library's never going back after what you just did.
28:30He's a creep who charges 15 quid to sing at babies.
28:33And takes his top off.
28:34Yeah.
28:35You're telling me you really enjoy all that namaste shit?
28:37I do, actually.
28:39Loads of the mums do.
28:41God, you are so judgmental.
28:43And you are overreacting.
28:46Thank God, what's going on with you?
28:50Lance was filed for a divorce.
28:53Babe.
28:53It means he's never coming back.
28:57Do you want him back?
28:59Well, I didn't want to be a divorce mum too at 25.
29:02Widowed.
29:03Fine.
29:05I'm so sorry.
29:07I just wanted to get dressed up and have fun.
29:09And watch a man get his nips out.
29:12But you've ruined that, because Rocky's never going back again.
29:14How can I fix this?
29:18Work it out for yourself.
29:25Oh, look at that for you, eh?
29:27Makes you glad to be alive, doesn't it, Dad?
29:29Malcolm, shut up.
29:32Why did you need me so urgently?
29:34Is this about your appeal?
29:35No.
29:36I've decided...
29:39I'm going to have one of them.
29:43No, right, listen.
29:44They've got a really cushy mother and baby unit here.
29:47I'm talking single occupancy cell.
29:50On suite, no bars.
29:53Mother flipping A game.
29:55Hmm.
29:55And how are you going to get pregnant in prison?
29:58You're assuming that none of the women in here have penises.
30:02Okay, JK Rowling.
30:04Okay, fair enough.
30:06Wait, no, that's still a terrible idea, no matter whose penis it is.
30:09Jamo.
30:12I'm going to have a baby with Gary.
30:15We've rekindled our relationship.
30:17God, you paid someone to push him off a fire escape.
30:20Yes, I did.
30:22And it is amazing what that kind of experience can do for a person.
30:26Yeah, he is much less pathetic, boring and needy.
30:30Gary is great now.
30:32He is actually quite hot.
30:35Right, well, good for you.
30:37Thanks.
30:38And where do you plan on, you know?
30:40Well, this is where I need you to come up with a plan to get me some day release.
30:44And how am I going to do that?
30:45I was actually thinking, maybe you could have a pretend wedding.
30:52No, I've got it.
30:54Fake funeral.
30:56You're an idiot.
30:56Well, I'm not the reason that Rocky had to quit rhyme time.
31:01How the hell do you know about that?
31:02I told you.
31:03I've been hanging out with the mums.
31:06And those bitches talk.
31:12Jackie Moskwin.
31:14Ha, ha, ha.
31:15Heard you're back in town.
31:17What?
31:18The doctor's taking another look under your body.
31:20Just visiting.
31:21With these two morons.
31:23Don't you worry about this, pupil.
31:26Yeah, she'll be purring like a kitten by the time I've had my way with her.
31:30Definitely going to rub his knob on the car.
31:32Right, lads.
31:33Time for some fun.
31:35It's up to you to get us back to Stockport while the Jag's in the garage.
31:39We can do that.
31:39No problem, Dad.
31:41Can I borrow a hammer?
31:42Easy.
31:43Just call an Uber.
31:43Yeah.
31:44What the fuck, Jackie?
31:52I'm on sim only.
31:53Well, obviously, don't give him your phone, Malcolm.
31:56You're not going to smash it, are you, Dad?
31:57Don't you trust me, son?
32:06I knew you'd do that.
32:07Right.
32:08I want you two to get us back home using your smarts,
32:12your ingenuity, your survival skills.
32:15We haven't got any of them.
32:16No phones.
32:17Phones have infantilised us.
32:19Real men don't need phones.
32:21All of my bank cards are on my phone, you fucking maniac.
32:24Yeah, and he paid for everything, so I didn't bring any money.
32:27Was this your plan all along, eh?
32:29To keep us stranded on the peaks?
32:30Your granddad once left me at the top of Scaffold Pike
32:33with nothing but a compass, three shilling, and some woodbines.
32:37And that was the making of me.
32:39Yeah, the making of you into a massive arsehole.
32:43Am I right, King?
32:44No.
32:45No, this is good.
32:46I can prove myself to him.
32:49Come on, we can do this.
32:50Oh, get that, will you, Gemma?
33:12I'm on maternity leave.
33:15I'm not asking you to pick it up with your fanny, please.
33:17Oh, I just wish that my best-ever salon girlie might come back to work.
33:23Maybe a few weeks early.
33:25Don't let her rush you, Gemma, love.
33:27That baby will be a middle-aged woman throwing bricks through windows
33:30before you know it.
33:32How is your Margaret?
33:33Oh, the ankle tag's made a world of difference.
33:36How's my little cherub doing?
33:37Yeah, she's OK.
33:39She's had a bit of a cold this week, but she's perking up now.
33:41No, I meant Malcolm.
33:43Oh, he's in the Peak District with Grandad,
33:45which is why I need you to look after Sadie for me.
33:46Oh, no, I hope he's OK.
33:48You need to be very careful in the Peak District.
33:50Oh, there's no ice.
33:51I checked before they went.
33:52Not ice.
33:53I once saw a roadkill monkey whilst driving through the Peak District
33:56and I've found the whole area deeply unsettling ever since.
33:59A roadkill monkey?
34:00Yeah, it's obviously escaped from one of the science labs.
34:03Who knows what experiments have been done to it?
34:06What things it had seen?
34:08What intelligence it possessed?
34:09I mean, it might have been trying to get help.
34:11Oh.
34:12Yeah.
34:14You often think about that little monkey.
34:18OK, be back in an hour.
34:19Where?
34:20Do not touch my baby's hair.
34:23I'll spell that.
34:24Maybe, maybe we should get a map or something, eh?
34:32Show them that we're making an effort.
34:34You make loads of effort, Malcolm.
34:36You clean his flat once a week, you cook, you do his laundry,
34:39and you mainly do this while he is out shagging.
34:43Are you all right, Dad?
34:44Maybe we should just use your mobile, eh, and phone for a taxi?
34:48Are you giving up already, son?
34:49I left my phone at home and I haven't got any cash on me.
34:53We have been walking for an hour.
34:55We're totally fucking lost, and Malcolm is missing a boot.
34:58Yeah, well, I had to throw something to distract that bull, didn't I?
35:04Maps.
35:05They've got maps.
35:06Wait, it's shut.
35:07Why is it shut?
35:07Why is it fucking shut?
35:08It's not even lunchtime.
35:09It's not even lunchtime!
35:10Open up, you lazy, wild, shy country monkey!
35:13Hey, hey, this one's open.
35:15Oh.
35:19Morning.
35:22Hello.
35:23Uh, we're looking for a map.
35:26Oh, yes, we've got lots of maps.
35:28What area do you want?
35:29Um, this area that we're currently and presently located in.
35:32Aye, a bit lost, are you?
35:34Why the fuck would we need a map if we weren't lost?
35:37Well, most people buy a map before they get lost.
35:42There you go.
35:45Do you know how to read a map?
35:47I'm 35, Malcolm.
35:48I've literally never used a map in my entire life.
35:49You're 35?
35:50Do you know how to read a map?
35:52Davina read all the maps in our house.
35:56We don't know how to read a map.
35:57The art of map reading is a long-forgotten skill.
36:00Hmm, you don't fucking say.
36:01Can Jackie read maps?
36:02Yes, he can.
36:03He can do anything, can't he?
36:04Cash or card?
36:05Oh, good.
36:07Questione.
36:08Cash or...
36:09Run, Malcolm, run!
36:10I'm sorry!
36:15Run, Dad, run!
36:16Yes?
36:31Hiya.
36:31Is Rocky in?
36:32Ricky.
36:33Ricky.
36:34No, he's not.
36:35He's at the doctor's having his anal fistulas looked at.
36:38You and his girlfriend?
36:38No.
36:40In that case, do come in.
36:43I'm Sue.
36:44His mum, my heart.
36:45Hi, Sue.
36:46Hiya.
36:46So many girls come calling for my Ricky.
36:50Fistulas are my way of testing them.
36:52Oh, so he doesn't have them?
36:54Yeah, he does, yeah.
36:55He's got loads of them, loads of them.
36:5770% fistula.
36:59Ouch.
36:59And he's not very fond of babies, if you were thinking of having one with him.
37:04Well, his whole brand is Guy Who Loves Kids.
37:07He doesn't.
37:08Hates them.
37:09Right.
37:09And he's gay, actually.
37:12What, go near a vulva?
37:13As much as I've tried to convince him.
37:15Mommy!
37:16What?
37:16I've hurt my finger on the door again.
37:18Oh, dearly.
37:19It's just there.
37:22What do you want?
37:24How did you find me a dress?
37:25Paid someone at the library.
37:27They don't give a shit about GDPR.
37:29And I brought you this.
37:31There's protein bars in there.
37:32I mean, I don't know what you like, but assumed.
37:35Oh, well, I'll leave it to it.
37:37Yeah.
37:38She seems lovely.
37:44Well?
37:46I came to apologise.
37:48Yeah.
37:49You were way out of line.
37:50You were being sleazy.
37:51I wasn't being sleazy.
37:53I was being poetic.
37:56Romantic?
37:57Neither of those, I'm afraid.
38:00But I could have just said no.
38:03Please come back to the library.
38:05They all love you there.
38:09Did they say that?
38:12That they love me?
38:13Yeah.
38:15Who said that?
38:17Everyone.
38:17Come on.
38:21Okay.
38:23Suppose you think I'm pathetic living with my mother?
38:26No.
38:27I live with my dad.
38:29Not forever, though.
38:31No, I'm not forever.
38:32I bet he doesn't lie about you having anal fistulas
38:35so that you never find a partner and leave him.
38:38Does he do that?
38:40No.
38:41He does not do that.
38:42Can I have three singles to the nearest town, please?
39:04You need to download the app.
39:06Oh, my fucking God, no.
39:08It's a cashless system.
39:10What would Bear Grylls do if he had to get the bus?
39:12Bear Grylls doesn't get the fucking bus, Jackie.
39:14He'd pay with snails.
39:16Oh, my God.
39:16Wouldn't he be going to pay with snails?
39:18How about you just take this
39:20and then whatever's left,
39:21you can have it for yourself?
39:23Did you steal it?
39:25No.
39:26No.
39:28Okay.
39:28Okay.
39:29Okay.
39:30Okay.
39:31Thanks.
39:32Here you go, eh?
39:33Here.
39:34Here.
39:35How long does it take?
39:37Oh, this is a stoppage service.
39:38They're in about two hours.
39:39Oh, no.
39:40Oh, fucking no.
39:42Oh, God.
39:44I'm really hungry.
39:47Actually, son, I've got some berries in my pocket.
39:50Don't eat the berries, Malcolm.
39:51No, if Malcolm ate the berries,
39:53then the driver would have to call an ambulance
39:55and that would take us back to Stockport.
39:58You'd get us home.
39:59That would make me proud.
40:22Spit them out.
40:23Come on.
40:32I am really sorry for not asking about Lance.
40:36I know you are.
40:38It's just been a tough few months.
40:41Moving here, selling the house.
40:44Rocky holds space for me.
40:46Well, he's agreed to go back to the library.
40:48And I've got something which I think might help make up for me being such a terrible friend.
40:53Box of donuts and some molly?
40:54Nope.
40:55A Rhyme Time black card.
40:58Yep.
41:01You can use it whenever you want.
41:03No entrance fees.
41:04No baby required.
41:06Oh, my God.
41:07I didn't think these actually assisted.
41:09Use it wisely.
41:11I'm going to use it all the fucking time.
41:14It's not my fault, is it?
41:15I just couldn't hold her in.
41:17And she wouldn't stop the bus.
41:19Okay, shut up.
41:20According to the driver, the nearest town is over there.
41:25Are you all right, Dad?
41:30I'm fine.
41:31Stop fussing.
41:31Yeah, you sure?
41:32You look a bit pale.
41:33Unless it's your tan finally rubbing off.
41:35I said stop fussing.
41:37Always fussing.
41:40Cooking.
41:41Doing me laundry.
41:42Cleaning.
41:43When did you ever see me clean anything?
41:47Like having another bloody wife.
41:49Pathetic.
41:50I just do those things to help you, don't I?
41:52You'd help me, Malcolm, by being more of a man.
41:56That's all I wanted from today.
42:00I'm going through a piss.
42:02In a bush.
42:08Come here.
42:10Malcolm, at what point are you going to tell him to go fuck himself?
42:13Never.
42:14He's your bestest friend.
42:16I don't like seeing other people belittle you.
42:18Especially not your father.
42:20Oh, thanks, mate.
42:21No.
42:21It just takes the shine off me doing it.
42:23You're such a massive arsehole.
42:25Hey, what are you doing?
42:26You can't steal them.
42:28I'm not stealing these kayaks, Malcolm.
42:30They belong to me.
42:32I don't think they do.
42:34They're mine.
42:39They were mine all along.
42:41Grab an oar, King.
42:44Going on a friendship adventure.
42:46Dad!
42:47We'd be going faster if you could paddle, Dad.
42:51I'm not paddling.
42:54Yeah.
42:55Then just how did you think we were going to get home, Jackie?
42:57Steal a car.
42:58Seduce a woman.
43:00Get dropped off by a taxi near the flat.
43:03And run off without paying.
43:05That's not a bad idea, actually.
43:07Leave it to Malky and the day's a disaster.
43:09Is that a phone?
43:12You had a phone the entire time?
43:15Fucking hypocrite.
43:16You're pathetic, Malcolm.
43:18No wonder Gemma wants out.
43:20What?
43:21Yeah, of course she does.
43:23She might not say it, but she does.
43:26She only lets you live with her because she feels sorry for you.
43:29Nobody wants their kid's pity.
43:32Jesus, Jackie, that's a bit harsh.
43:33I'm not interested in anything you've got to say, either.
43:37She deserves a lot better than being stuck with her useless dad.
43:42You're in her way.
43:47Fuck you, Jackie Moskrip.
43:49You've been an awful father to me all my life.
43:52Well, the little time you spent in it, anyway.
43:54You know what?
43:56I pity you.
43:58I pity you.
44:01Living on your own.
44:02Con and everyone you come into contact with.
44:04Your friends, your family, your girlfriends.
44:07Yeah?
44:07Well, my kids want to be near me because they like me.
44:11Yeah, at least one of them does.
44:12You know, and I love you, Dad.
44:13But I don't like you.
44:15So if you want to be with us,
44:17with me and Gemma and Sadie,
44:20then things have got to change, you understand?
44:24Hey!
44:26Malcolm?
44:29Dad!
44:31Malcolm?
44:35Dad!
44:41Oh, fuck.
44:43I love Rita,
44:44but I can't sweep up hair until the day she dies
44:46when I finally get a go on the scissors.
44:48Well, my career plan is to take Lance to the fucking cleaners.
44:52Cheating arsehole.
44:52Oh, good plan.
44:57Grandad?
45:00Derek?
45:01I killed him.
45:16No, you didn't, Malcolm.
45:18The paramedic said it was a heart attack.
45:20Could I show you that?
45:22No.
45:22You know what?
45:26Silver lining.
45:27He was probably already dead
45:28before you dropped your long-withheld truth bomb.
45:32Well, that's even worse.
45:33No, that's terrible.
45:34I don't...
45:35Just pretend I didn't say...
45:36Oh, Gemma!
45:37Oh, God!
45:43What?
45:43I'm sad as well.
45:44I had to prize his fucking eyes open
45:46so I unlocked the phone.
45:47Jesus Christ!
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