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00:00MÜZİK
00:30MÜZİK
00:33Good evening and welcome to QI where tonight I've come armed with questions all about weaponry.
00:39And for our panel we're bringing out the big guns. Exploding onto the scene, it's Lou Sanders.
00:50Here to slay, it's Roisin Conaty.
00:53A bit of a blunt instrument, it's Nish Kumar.
01:04And always a loose cannon, it's Alan Davis.
01:13Right, let's hear their killer buzzers. Lou goes.
01:17Huh? Roisin goes.
01:20Ooh! Nish goes.
01:24Wow. Alan goes.
01:26WHISTLE BLOWS
01:28SET ON SET
01:32That's nice.
01:36Well it is dangerous with him.
01:40Right, time to open up the armoury for question one. I want you to look under your desks, you've each got an objet.
01:47I want to know how you would use it to win a war.
01:51So let's start with you Lou, how would you use honey to win a war?
01:57Well I might say, do you want to swap this honey for a little bit of peace?
02:03I actually gave my neighbour a jar of honey to say sorry and they still hate me.
02:12What did you, what had you done, darling?
02:15Well I, that doesn't matter as much.
02:17I, erm, I stole their, erm, beehive.
02:22LAUGHTER
02:28Used to defeat Roman troops.
02:31It's a particular kind of honey.
02:33Manuka.
02:34I just like how you say that, you're looking so attractive today.
02:38LAUGHTER
02:40Something about you.
02:41I don't know, I'm on the turn.
02:43LAUGHTER
02:45There was a Greek geographer called Strabo, I mean he was also a historian.
02:48And he wrote about General Pompsey who attacked the kingdom of Pontus in the Pontiac Mountains.
02:53So it's Turkey these days.
02:55So this is a genuine story.
02:57So Pompsey attacked the kingdom of Pontus in the Pontiac Mountains and they left behind vast amounts of honey.
03:03Now the bees had fed on rhododendron which contains a hallucinogenic poison called graenotoxin.
03:08So the honey was two things, it was highly hallucinogenic and a laxative.
03:14LAUGHTER
03:16Sign me up.
03:18So as you're crapping yourself, you're thinking, oh, what's coming out of me?
03:23Yeah, yeah.
03:25You can still, actually, weirdly, you can buy this honey, it's called mad honey.
03:28I'll write it down.
03:29Are you sure you want to write it down?
03:30Mad honey.
03:31It's mostly for people who need it for their libido, just saying if that's...
03:34Ah!
03:35Two times.
03:36LAUGHTER
03:38You can still buy it in Turkey in certain places.
03:47Wait, the honey that makes you poop yourself is good for sex.
03:50Well, the trick is to not take very much.
03:52And if you take a little bit, it gives you a buzz.
03:54If you take a lot, you shit yourself and fall over.
03:57LAUGHTER
03:59It's too high of almost anything you eat.
04:03Did the bees sting the people and then they got the shits,
04:06or did...
04:07What happened?
04:09LAUGHTER
04:12You're the girl at the back of the class that we hope is good at netball
04:15because it's very...
04:17LAUGHTER
04:18That is so good.
04:19So, they made honey.
04:23Yes.
04:24The bees had partaken of a hallucinogenic which therefore went into the honey.
04:29Oh, OK, right.
04:30OK, I get it.
04:31Does that make sense?
04:32LAUGHTER
04:33Did they do this deliberately?
04:34Was this like a deliberate act of chemical warfare?
04:35Yes, yes.
04:36It is.
04:37Biological warfare.
04:38Biological warfare is horrible.
04:39But, I mean, obviously it's not ideal to lose a war, but if you did it in a kind of blizzard
04:44of sexual arousal and poop, it'd be a bit...
04:48LAUGHTER
04:49I don't know, Nish, I don't know.
04:51LAUGHTER
04:52It's just another Friday night for you.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:56That's your podcast, isn't it?
04:58Yeah.
04:59Sexual arousal and poop.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:02Boners and the brown stuff.
05:04LAUGHTER
05:06Tell me, Nish, what you're holding, how might you win a war with it?
05:08I seem to be holding a shovel.
05:10What would you do with it?
05:12I guess, like, disguise myself.
05:14I'd be like, oh, hello, I'm a humble gardener.
05:17Bum-ba-dum-ba-dum.
05:18No threat pose.
05:19And then BAM!
05:20Shoot through the hole.
05:21LAUGHTER
05:22Well, you are entirely correct.
05:23LAUGHTER
05:34So, the actual thing was a little bit larger than the one we've given you.
05:37It was called the Macadam Shield Shovel, and it was the brainchild of Ina Macadam.
05:40She was the secretary to the Canadian Minister of Defence in 1914,
05:44and she suggested to her boss, Sir Sam Hughes, to patent this invention,
05:48and he named it after her.
05:49So, basically, a thick steel spade, right,
05:51that was designed for both digging trenches and deflecting bullets.
05:55So, the idea is you're digging away a thing, somebody fires at you,
05:58you can spike the whole thing in the ground,
06:00and then fire, exactly as you suggested,
06:02fire at the enemy through the hole.
06:05During World War I, they sent 25,000 of these out to the Canadian troops
06:09in Europe, and they were useless.
06:11Yes.
06:12LAUGHTER
06:13Completely useless.
06:14If you've got a hole in a spade, you cannot dig with it.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:19Oh, yeah.
06:20Can you just do one of those little keyhole covers,
06:23comes down over it, clip into place?
06:25If only you'd been there.
06:26Bony.
06:27LAUGHTER
06:28Unfortunately, the metal that they used wouldn't even stop small-caliber ammunition.
06:32So, didn't stop bullets, wasn't any good for digging.
06:35I'm just thrilled that I've maintained my proud 100% record
06:38of only getting questions right on QI by total accident.
06:42LAUGHTER
06:44Anyway, they sent them out at the beginning of the war, 1917,
06:4788% of them had been scrapped for metal,
06:49and poor Ina McAdam who came up with it and said,
06:51she was very embarrassed by the whole thing,
06:53and wished it had never happened.
06:55LAUGHTER
06:56Right, Conkers, come on.
06:57Conkers.
06:58Yes.
06:59Who wants one?
07:00Oh, don't throw...
07:01OK.
07:02APPLAUSE
07:04Alan, World War I.
07:08World War I, Conkers, any thoughts about why it might have been useful?
07:12Poison.
07:13They're poisonous.
07:14Poisonous.
07:15Put them in the soup.
07:16Is it something about boners and pooping?
07:19LAUGHTER
07:20It's going to be really hard to get you back from there, isn't it?
07:23LAUGHTER
07:26So, it can be used to make acetone,
07:28which is a key ingredient in gunpowder.
07:30So, before 1917, they used fermented grain, they used potatoes,
07:34but then they wanted to have all that stuff for food,
07:36so they thought, let's use the Conkers.
07:38And they got British children to collect Conkers,
07:41and they were paid seven and six per hundredweight,
07:44which is 50 kilos of Conkers, right?
07:47It's about more than 6,000 Conkers.
07:49And they collected 3,000 tonnes of Conkers.
07:54And what do you think happened?
07:56I don't know.
07:57I got a feeling something went horribly wrong.
07:59Yes.
08:00They hadn't worked out all the transport,
08:01lots and lots of them went rotten at railway stations,
08:03and then when they did get them into the factories,
08:05the chemists couldn't work out how to extract the acetone.
08:09So, did the kids have to give the money back?
08:11Er, no.
08:12The kids kept the money, and they kept it going
08:13because it was good for morale.
08:15Oh!
08:16Now, what have you got, Rasheen?
08:17I've got myself a rat.
08:19OK.
08:20What do you reckon?
08:21How would you use that to win a war?
08:23Well, I reckon it was love rats.
08:24I think they just got a bunch of hot men or women or whoever
08:28into an area and just sort of got the soldiers absolutely horned up.
08:33OK.
08:34So, it is the use of an actual rat.
08:36Diseases.
08:37Yeah, plague.
08:38Terrible diseases.
08:39I mean, that is a thought.
08:40It's another kind of biological weapon.
08:42No, the idea was, 1941, the British military intelligence officers
08:46filled rodents with explosives.
08:48Rat attack!
08:49Yes.
08:50They made rat bombs.
08:52Rat bombs.
08:53Rat bombs.
08:54Rat bombs.
08:55The rat is dead.
08:56Can I just say?
08:57The rat is dead.
08:58The rat's not like, oh, what is that?
09:02Can you get a ticket?
09:03Can you get a ticket?
09:04Jesus Christ.
09:06Your ticket as well.
09:07Your ticket as well.
09:08Oh, the ticket.
09:09They're not rationing out the Vaseline.
09:11Christ.
09:12It's driving me mad.
09:13The ticket's driving me mad.
09:14Anyway, the plan was to leave them near factory boiler rooms in Germany.
09:23And here was the theory.
09:24Somebody in Germany would see a dead rat and they'd think,
09:27oh, we can't have that there.
09:28And they would throw it straight into the furnace.
09:30Oh.
09:31And then, even though it was only a small amount of explosive,
09:34it would be enough to cause a massive blast.
09:37Do you think it worked?
09:38Yes.
09:39Rat attack.
09:40Somebody said, no, I'm going to go with them.
09:44It sort of worked because the Nazis intercepted the first batch
09:48and they thought that the allies must be doing this all the time
09:51and they'd hidden loads.
09:52So they wasted loads of time looking for rat bombs.
09:55And in fact, deactivating rat bombs was studied in German military school.
10:00Wow.
10:01Wow.
10:02Wow.
10:03It sort of worked.
10:04Yeah.
10:05Kind of.
10:06Right.
10:07What was the favourite weapon of the hammer of the Scots?
10:09Oh.
10:10Is that a clue?
10:11Yeah.
10:12No.
10:13That's just a Scottish person.
10:15Is it the power of words?
10:18They are powerful.
10:19They are powerful.
10:20Thank you.
10:21I mean, I love that.
10:22They are powerful.
10:23Thank you.
10:24Was it a hammer?
10:26So the hammer of the Scots was King Edward I of England because he was trying to assert sovereignty over Scotland.
10:40There he is trying to do it.
10:411304 he and his troops were laying siege to Stirling Castle in Scotland and the castle was heavily fortified and they thought we're never going to make this happen.
10:49So he got 50 carpenters.
10:51I don't know how he did this.
10:52Can I just say he's away from home, right?
10:54I can't get one near my house.
10:55They don't have any carpenters.
10:5650 carpenters to build the world's biggest trebuchet.
11:01Does anybody know what a trebuchet is?
11:02It's a catapult.
11:03It is a kind of catapult.
11:04Right.
11:05Oh.
11:06So this is very exciting because I have a small one here.
11:08Whoa.
11:09That's cool.
11:10It's a type of catapult that uses a massive counterweight to launch a projectile.
11:14So we just thought we'd give it a go here.
11:16Now I've got some little sweets.
11:19Now.
11:20Nish.
11:29This is rubbish.
11:30It was absolutely...
11:31You ready?
11:34That's better than the trebuchet.
11:37I think I didn't do it violently enough.
11:39Do you think that was better?
11:40Oh, my God.
11:41Yeah, there's something going on.
11:42It's so impressive.
11:43The one that they built, Edward called it the War Wolf.
11:45It was phenomenal.
11:46It was 90 metres tall.
11:47It had 30 wagons of materials in it.
11:49It took three months to build.
11:5090 metres?
11:5190 metres.
11:52It took three months to build.
11:53It was just amazing.
11:54Now, the fact is, he's building it out there, right, for ages,
11:57in plain view of all the besiege inhabitants.
11:59And they were running out of food anyway.
12:00So they went out when they saw they were building this thing and went,
12:02it's OK, white flag, totally give in.
12:05But now that Edward had built it, he really wanted to try it.
12:09So he just pelted the castle anyway.
12:12And they launched Greek fire, which is kind of the napalm of the day.
12:16It's petrol and resin and stuff.
12:18And by the time the attack was finished,
12:20only 30 people were alive and the castle was kind of...
12:22Wait, so they surrendered and he still was like,
12:24I'm going to napalm you?
12:26Yeah.
12:27He built a special platform nearby so that the ladies of the court
12:30could watch the destruction of the girls.
12:33Ugh.
12:34Yeah.
12:35What was his relationship with his mother like?
12:36LAUGHTER
12:39These weapons have existed for centuries.
12:41I mean, probably invented in China.
12:431521, the conquistador Hernán Gótez, he was seeking treasure
12:46and he used one in the battle to attack the Aztec Empire.
12:50So, the Spanish running low on gunpowder and they think,
12:52what shall we do?
12:53Let's make a triple share because we haven't got enough gunpowder
12:55to attack the Aztecs, they wanted their gold.
12:57Didn't have any engineers but they did have a soldier who'd once seen one.
13:01LAUGHTER
13:03So, he dropped some plans and when it finally came to being launched...
13:08Wow.
13:09..he used a massive rock, right?
13:10The rock went straight up and came straight back down.
13:13LAUGHTER
13:14Straight back down.
13:16LAUGHTER
13:17Less successful.
13:19Right, let's move on to that old perennial, the war of the sexes.
13:22What kind of butts attracted Victorian women who were ready to wed?
13:27Big butts and I cannot lie.
13:29Big butts.
13:30OK.
13:31Any other thoughts?
13:40Water butts.
13:41Ifs and butts.
13:42Ifs and butts.
13:43Yes.
13:44The butts is a common name for an archery field.
13:47Oh.
13:48That's what they're actually called, going down the butts.
13:50So, here's the thing.
13:51Unlike most outdoor activities, archery was considered a reasonable
13:55and acceptable sport for women.
13:57So, this was a place where men and women could meet in the beginning,
14:00as early as 1780, there were women's only clubs.
14:03I like this.
14:04They were called the Amazon Archers of England.
14:06And they met in Kent and they used to have archery competitions
14:08and then they would have, you know, soirees, suppers, balls
14:10and that kind of thing.
14:11and that kind of thing.
14:12I love this.
14:131845, there's a book called The Lady's Companion by Jane Louden
14:17and she put archery in as one of only five acceptable outdoor
14:21activities for women, alongside boating, sketching, skating
14:26and the garden swing.
14:27Oh.
14:28It's acceptable.
14:29When I go down the park with a bow and arrow, people look at me funny.
14:33Princess Victoria, later Queen Victoria, she took it up in 1834
14:39and, of course, then it became enormously popular.
14:41And then it dies out as croquet and tennis come in.
14:44So, 1870s, you get those two games.
14:46So, here's the thing.
14:47With archery, anybody who wrote about it stressed the beauty
14:50of the women who were doing it.
14:52The trim shaft launched from the hand of some fair toxophyllite,
14:56faultless in face and figure.
14:58Hang on.
14:59Go back, go back.
15:00Toxophyllite.
15:01Yes.
15:02So, toxon Greek for bow.
15:03Oh, yes, of course.
15:04Philos for lover.
15:05Toxophyllite.
15:06The lover of the bow.
15:07The lover of a bow.
15:08Do you like that, Toxophyllite?
15:09I do.
15:10Maybe I changed my name, Sandy Toxophyllite.
15:11I like a thin shaft being propelled at all.
15:14Yes.
15:15Trim shaft.
15:17Well, it all looks very nice, but the fact is,
15:19if you really did archery, you can see from the skeletons
15:21of medieval and Renaissance archers,
15:23too much can cause serious deformities.
15:25So, you have to imagine these longbows, six foot long,
15:28taller than most archers, it required 90 kilograms of force
15:32to pull the thing back.
15:34Modern bow only needs about 20 kilograms.
15:36So, it's the difference between the force of, say, carrying a,
15:38I don't know, a larger gentleman and a six-year-old girl
15:40so it's about 14 stone.
15:44What do you weigh, Anish?
15:45What do you weigh?
15:46Er, I mean, I'm kind of between weights at the moment.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:51So, it's like lifting you.
15:53Quite an interesting way to do weights, like, or a six-year-old girl.
15:56Like, what are we doing?
15:58Who's writing this down?
16:00Firing children!
16:02How much ham would you like?
16:04About a six-year-old girl?
16:06But the thing about professional archers, they would still
16:09training at a really young age and they would draw back their bows
16:12repeatedly, so, of course, the muscles get very strong,
16:14but the bones also get thicker and denser to compensate,
16:17and the spines start to twist, and then, eventually,
16:19the drawing arm becomes higher than the one holding the bow,
16:22which you're doing this all the time.
16:23The muscles contracting.
16:24Like my phone arm.
16:25Yeah, you like your phone arm, yeah.
16:27Have you been to the Mary Rose Museum in Portsmouth,
16:29which is just fantastic?
16:31Anyway, they have a skeleton from an archer from 1545,
16:34and you can see how his spine is all twisted,
16:36and he's got one arm that is much lower than the other,
16:39and that is from that continuous, repetitive thing
16:41of having to deploy all of that.
16:44Longbow is famously used in which British battle?
16:47It's Hastings.
16:48Another one?
16:50Agincourt.
16:51Agincourt.
16:52Yes.
16:53That's not British.
16:54It's in France.
16:55OK.
16:56I was going to say Agincourt.
16:57I beg your pardon.
16:58You just sent me off the scent there.
16:59I nearly got one right for the first time since 2005.
17:02LAUGHTER
17:04I'm going to give you five points for correcting me,
17:07because you're right.
17:08You're absolutely right.
17:09It was an English battle taking place somewhere else.
17:12Yes.
17:13Yes.
17:14In France.
17:15LAUGHTER
17:17Do you think that the longbows made them win,
17:19or what else do you think might have made them win?
17:22Did they dip the longbows in boner honey?
17:25LAUGHTER
17:30They almost lost because...
17:31They were watching telly.
17:32No, they had an epidemic of...
17:33They weren't very good.
17:34Oh, they had the shits?
17:35They had the shits.
17:36They had an epidemic of dysentery.
17:37It's your other area!
17:38LAUGHTER
17:39Goodness me, Boners and the Brown Stuff is a podcast that has legs.
17:44LAUGHTER
17:45So they've all got dysentery,
17:47and they're all going,
17:48like this, crazy.
17:50And all they did...
17:51Is that the noise that you make when you go...
17:53LAUGHTER
17:55I'm just about to go in the loo.
17:57Is there anyone in there?
17:58Oh, yeah.
17:59LAUGHTER
18:00LAUGHTER
18:01APPLAUSE
18:03So rather than give up when they had this terrible affliction of dysentery,
18:11they cut off their soiled britches and underwear and went into battle without.
18:16They just ran into battle...
18:18Mm.
18:19Just with...
18:20Yeah.
18:21Why is that not a film?
18:22Yeah.
18:23LAUGHTER
18:24LAUGHTER
18:25If there was a whole army running towards you, just fully Winnie the Pooh-ing it, like...
18:29LAUGHTER
18:30Literally!
18:31LAUGHTER
18:32LAUGHTER
18:33LAUGHTER
18:34LAUGHTER
18:35Oh, my God.
18:36It would be unbelievable.
18:37Just a bunch of people like the French going,
18:39Is that...?
18:40LAUGHTER
18:42Did they throw their pants at the enemy or not?
18:45No, darling.
18:46They missed a trick there.
18:47That's a waste of weaponry.
18:48That's a waste of weaponry.
18:49You just sort of sling it.
18:50What were they thinking?
18:51Oh, I know.
18:52They needed both hands for the...
18:53Yeah.
18:54So, wait, did they just cut a hole at the back?
18:56Apparently they cut them off with the knife...
18:57Apparently they cut them off with the knife.
18:58Like your shovel.
18:59LAUGHTER
19:00We're back in the game.
19:01LAUGHTER
19:02They went into battle without, basically.
19:04Their underwear and the...
19:05Yeah.
19:06Yeah.
19:07What is the best weapon to ward off a wasp?
19:11They don't like a vacuum cleaner.
19:13Ooh!
19:14OK.
19:15Cos they just...
19:16They're there, and then...
19:17They're gone.
19:18LAUGHTER
19:19They...
19:20Always have one at a picnic.
19:22Yeah.
19:23Oh, there's a wasp and there's a...
19:25Any more.
19:26LAUGHTER
19:27It's not fun when you change the bag.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:31LAUGHTER
19:34It's nearer Nish's area, this?
19:36This is...
19:37My ass.
19:38LAUGHTER
19:39Yeah?
19:40People put distracting things near to a picnic, don't they?
19:43You mean, like, maybe like...
19:44A jar of something sticky that they go to.
19:46Yeah.
19:47Like a jar of...poo?
19:48Is correct.
19:49LAUGHTER
19:54That's the same...
19:55That's the same way you get rid of men in the morning.
19:57LAUGHTER
19:58You threw it in a jar?
19:59LAUGHTER
20:00See ya!
20:01LAUGHTER
20:02Leave it in between, yeah?
20:03Morning!
20:04I've got to go to work, actually.
20:05LAUGHTER
20:06I've known Lou, but I think about 15 years, and for some reason, that is the first time I've seen you actually shock yourself with something you've said.
20:27LAUGHTER
20:28So, we're talking about animals.
20:29So, there is a fantastic creature called the silver-spotted skipper caterpillar.
20:33Look at that.
20:34It's a beautiful thing.
20:35Ooh.
20:36So, it is preyed on by parasitic wasps who are attracted by the smell of the caterpillar's frass, which is a wonderful word, and it is the technical name for insect poo.
20:46Oh!
20:47What they do, these caterpillars, they forcibly eject their frass from their backside using an anal comb.
20:54LAUGHTER
20:55So, it's a fine-toothed pincer, it comes down, it pinches the anus, and it sends the frass flying out like a tiddlywink.
21:04LAUGHTER
21:07And because the wasp retracts the smell of the frass, this diverts them away from the actual caterpillar, because it goes, oh, where the hell was that?
21:12And it follows the tiddlywink.
21:13And they can send their poo 38 times their body length away.
21:17So, it's the equivalent, Alan, if you like, of a human launching their poo across the width of a football field.
21:23LAUGHTER
21:26Talking language, I understand.
21:28LAUGHTER
21:31This was discovered by a biologist called Martha Weiss.
21:34She's now a professor.
21:35She discovered it in 2003.
21:36So, she'd collected a load of these skipper caterpillars, and she's got them in a box, and she suddenly hears this bing!
21:42Bing!
21:44Bing!
21:45And it was the sound of them squirting out this, well, pinching out this frass, and she went on to discover 17 different families of moths and butterflies have this similarly exploding anus.
21:56Wow!
21:57I know!
21:58Listen, I'm just saying, we're always looking for new Olympic sports.
22:03LAUGHTER
22:04I say, we just have a bunch of athletes bent over, flying out, then they measure it like the javelin throw, and then there'll be inevitable allegations, he's doping, I saw him with the special honey.
22:15LAUGHTER
22:17So, grasshoppers sometimes kick their frass away when they've done their business, and they use their back leg to propel the poo ten times their body length.
22:27So, I'm going to do this again for you.
22:29It's the equivalent of a human scoring a goal from the penalty spot with their poo.
22:33OK, that's the... that's the distance.
22:35OK.
22:36Do you want to see that?
22:37Yes.
22:38Oh, my God.
22:39There, it's up in the top right corner, you can see it creating a thing, and it's getting its leg ready.
22:44Whoa, brother.
22:45And here we go.
22:46And it's going to go...
22:48Yeah, there we go.
22:49LAUGHTER
22:50And we can see it again in slow motion, what's that?
22:52VAR, there we go.
22:53Oh, my God.
22:54Yeah.
22:55Is that fantastic?
22:56On the volley as well.
22:57I know, I know.
22:58I thought, I assumed that it would drop it, and then take it like a penalty gig.
23:03That's much harder to do.
23:05LAUGHTER
23:06And now it's all aboard the blunderbuss as we marshal ourselves for a round of general ignorance.
23:11Fingers on buzzers, please.
23:12This is easy.
23:13What chemical is added to all our tap water?
23:17Yes!
23:18Fluoride.
23:19No.
23:20Oh!
23:25Is that not true?
23:26Have I made that up?
23:27It's not true.
23:28You haven't made it up, it's not true.
23:29Chlorine.
23:30Chlorine is added to absolutely all of our water to keep it safe.
23:33Ribena.
23:34I'd definitely be less dehydrated if that was in the water.
23:39So, anybody who lives, well, certainly within 50 kilometres of this studio has never had fluoride added to their tap water.
23:46It's only about 9% of the UK population that has it artificially added.
23:50So, I think we've got a map.
23:51You can see parts of West Midlands and Berkshire and North Lincolnshire and Nottinghamshire.
23:55What are they down to deserve it?
23:57Well, the thing is, it's good stuff.
23:58It stops cavities and strengthens the tooth enamel.
24:01And there is a plan to increase the amount of fluoride across the country.
24:06Basically, one part fluoride to a million parts water.
24:08The best thing you can do if you're in an area without adding fluoride is what?
24:12Brush your teeth.
24:13Brush your teeth.
24:14Yes, and while you're brushing your teeth...
24:15Don't spit.
24:16Don't spit it out is the answer.
24:17Is that true?
24:18Yeah.
24:19Now.
24:20What shape is a proper all-butter French croissant?
24:25Yes.
24:26Are they completely straight?
24:28Is the right answer.
24:29APPLAUSE
24:30So, what we've got here is two different kinds.
24:41So, the ones that are this shape are made with margarine.
24:45GASP
24:46And they are the cheaper ones.
24:47And these straight ones are the ones that are made with butter.
24:50And it is not uncommon in French families for the parents to have these and give these to the kids.
24:55LAUGHTER
24:56Because they're cheaper.
24:57Quick question, are we going to get to have a question?
24:59Oh, yes.
25:00Would you like a question?
25:01LAUGHTER
25:02It's an investigation.
25:03Yeah.
25:04Very straight.
25:05That's fine.
25:06Are they vegan?
25:07They're vegan, yeah.
25:08They can't be any straighter if they have a try.
25:10Who's to God?
25:11Actors, comedians, free food.
25:13It is unbelievable.
25:14LAUGHTER
25:15The thing about me, Sandy, is I'm a man of science.
25:18So, if something is straight, I've got to see if it's straight by putting it in my mouth.
25:21OK.
25:22And you like straight things in a straight world.
25:25What about straight men?
25:27Where are our rights?
25:28LAUGHTER
25:29Oh, yes.
25:30Historically, you've really suffered.
25:32Now...
25:41Right.
25:42How many noses do you have?
25:45Oh!
25:46One, but it's a big one.
25:48Not one.
25:49No.
25:50I actually know this, Sandy.
25:51Go.
25:52I think that we have, like, two noses.
25:59Yes, that is correct.
26:01Why aren't you happy for me?
26:02So, what we call our nose is actually two organs that are working independently, a bit like our left and our right eyes, our left and our right ears.
26:17Each nostril has its own nasal cavity.
26:20They don't connect to the other.
26:21They don't even smell the same either.
26:24So, we process the information from each nose at slightly different speeds.
26:28They stimulate different sides of the brain.
26:30The airflow is always stronger on one side than it is on the other.
26:33They switch every sort of three to six hours, something like that.
26:36And it's controlled by erectile tissue.
26:42Wait.
26:43Sandy, what do you mean?
26:46It's tissue in the linings that swell with blood, basically.
26:48And that is how we control where the breathing is happening.
26:51So, we've got boners in our nose?
26:55Now, you know, right, from Roisin that you've got two noses.
26:59How many organs do you think you have in total?
27:0412.
27:05What?
27:06Nobody say any more numbers.
27:10The answer is it depends how you count them.
27:16So, we know, for example, that the skin is an organ, but it consists of three parts.
27:21The dermis, the epidermis and the subcutaneous.
27:23Is that three organs or is that one organ?
27:26So, you have at least 79, depending obviously on your sex, one or two more.
27:32But if you count every single...
27:33Two.
27:34And you'll never find the second one.
27:39Yours has two nostrils out.
27:42If you counted every bone, every muscle, I mean, almost a thousand.
27:48No.
27:49Some of this stuff is made up.
27:53Which brings us to the most controversial count of all, which is the scores.
27:58Bombing in last place with minus 27, it's Nish.
28:02Julia's over the bush with minus 26, it's Lou.
28:13Wearing out of the blaze of glory with minus three, it's Alan.
28:14And catapulting herself into first place, our winner tonight, with two whole points, is Rochey!
28:30APPLAUSE
28:31So, it's a very big thank you to Rochey, Nish, Lou and Alan.
28:44And I leave you with this from Evelyn Waugh, when asked how he'd found his first battle.
28:50Like German opera, too long and too loud.
28:53Thank you and good night.
28:55APPLAUSE
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