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00:00Have you ever been in a relationship that's felt like an emotional rollercoaster?
00:04At the beginning, you're being showered with praise, affection, and gifts,
00:07from good morning texts to lavish drinks and dinners,
00:10and then suddenly, to quote 21st century philosopher Katy Perry,
00:14they're hot and they're cold, they're yes and they're no.
00:20So what happened? Did you do something wrong?
00:23How did your love story dream become a nightmare?
00:26Well, what you may have experienced is something called love bombing,
00:29and if we take a closer look, we might start to notice that the TV and movie characters
00:33who we thought were so lovable and charming are actually doing this too,
00:37from self-identified nice guys like How I Met Your Mother's Ted Mosby,
00:40to full-on bad guys like Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl and Joe Goldberg from You.
00:45But what is love bombing? What are the signs? How does it tie into narcissism?
00:49And why is this trope in so many TV shows and movies?
00:53If you're on social media at all, you've almost assuredly heard about love bombing
00:57in some capacity in recent years. But what does it really mean?
01:01As the name implies, love bombing is all about showering, or often smothering,
01:06someone with intense amounts of attention and affection in a short span of time
01:09in the hopes of getting them to fall in love with you.
01:11Those two? Oh, that's easy.
01:13It's us. In 30 years.
01:15Love bombers are great at reading people, so they can manipulate them
01:19and pretend to be their perfect dream person.
01:21To the victim, the love bomber at first comes across as exactly what they've been waiting for.
01:25Someone who always seems to say and do the right things.
01:28And this makes them want to commit.
01:30But once this dissipates and the victim tries to express that,
01:33they get gaslit into thinking nothing's wrong.
01:35And if it is, it's something they did.
01:37The abuser isn't falling in love with them, but a controllable, idealized version of them.
01:42And when that victim slips up and shows any part of their humanity,
01:45we get into the conflict phase.
01:47And this doesn't just happen in relationships between two people.
01:50It can even happen in groups as we often see in cults.
01:53At first, appearing loving to pull people into their ranks
01:56and then becoming hostile if anyone dares to step out of line.
02:00A relationship with a love bomber feels like fast food.
02:03The beginning is blissful and addictive.
02:05And by the end, you're just feeling sick.
02:07Because love bombing is a cycle that begins with amazing shows of love and care
02:11and ends with misery.
02:13The cycle of abuse has this honeymoon stage where everything is good
02:17or in intense situations like in relationships with a narcissist,
02:20this is what we call the love bombing stage.
02:22After this stage, the perpetrator might begin to show their more controlling side
02:26and the mistreated spouse might finally consider leaving.
02:29But the manipulator will then work to rope them back in
02:32with more grand displays of affection, beginning the cycle all over again.
02:36The love bombing stage is so intense
02:38that it causes this rush of hormones into our bodies
02:42that make us feel like the person's actually going to change this time
02:45and that we're actually going to get what we've finally been looking for.
02:48Love bombing can tie into narcissism.
02:50Narcissists want their victims to get attached to them
02:53so they can exploit and control them.
02:55And love bombing is an easy way to do that.
02:57It is actually threatening to them to know that you're not head over heels for them
03:01because they cannot control you as easily.
03:04It's important to note that not all grand gestures are love bombing.
03:08When people are infatuated with each other,
03:10they often genuinely want to pick up on each other's hobbies,
03:13take them to special places, and spend a ton of time together.
03:16But when this is done with the explicit goal of controlling another person
03:19and not to genuinely love them,
03:21see their partner as a full human being and be seen by them as a human being,
03:25that's where it becomes love bombing.
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04:27Film and television are filled with examples of relationships
04:30that were, at the time, portrayed as romantic,
04:33but looking back, we start to realize that they're anything but.
04:37And in more recent years,
04:38movies and shows have started really digging into this trope
04:41to show how toxic and dangerous these kinds of relationships can be.
04:44Let's take a look at some of film and TV's most well-known love bombers
04:48across the scope to unpack what media has really been trying to show us with this trope.
04:52Let's take Chuck Bass, a textbook narcissist, as an example.
04:56As one of the richest high school boys on the Upper East Side,
04:59he obviously knows how to give lavish presents to the object of his inconsistent affection,
05:03Blair Waldorf, and dole out the cute, if cheesy, compliments on occasion.
05:08Something this beautiful deserves to be seen on something unworthy of its beauty.
05:12But underneath this exterior lies shady behavior.
05:15Remember that time he sold Blair for a hotel and narcissism?
05:19If we keep going, we'll both end up dead,
05:21and I like myself too much to let that happen.
05:24Chuck wants Blair, but only to feel like he's in control of such a powerful young woman
05:29and to keep her from finding happiness with anyone else.
05:32Once Chuck and Blair started to get a band following,
05:34the writers tried to give him a secret good sensitive side,
05:38essentially putting forth the idea that he's treated Blair the way he did because he loved her,
05:42which, no.
05:43It's just a game.
05:44I hate to lose.
05:45You're free to go.
05:46Chuck, why did you just do that?
05:48Because I love her.
05:55It's exactly this kind of framing.
05:57The fact that they're treating you horribly is actually proof that they love you.
06:00Somehow, that has led to this type of toxic behavior being normalized by so much of society
06:05for so long.
06:06Even if he claims to love her, he's still mistreating her,
06:10stringing her along, and not letting her move on, all for his own ego.
06:13And while his abusive father's death makes him see this more clearly,
06:17I've been pushing myself to prove me wrong, and I'm pushing you away.
06:25It doesn't absolve him of any of his actions.
06:28It makes for a tragic story of people in the wrong emotional places at the wrong times.
06:33That's why it makes for such good television.
06:35But it's also tacitly saying that Blair deserves the treatment she's getting from him.
06:40Even though she can be one of the meanest girls in high school,
06:42no one deserves being picked up and put down like a broken doll.
06:46Gossip Girl was a show that was vilified by parents at the time because it showed teenagers
06:50getting up to some pretty bad behavior, which the creative team flipped into a very effective
06:54marketing strategy.
06:55But what it may have been silently teaching teenage girls is much more nefarious,
06:59that in order to have the highs of a relationship, the extravagant necklaces and dates and compliments,
07:05they must endure, and in fact, even deserve the lows.
07:08Joe from You might not have Chuck Bass's funds, but he takes love-bombing to an extreme in a
07:14different way, becoming basically the murderous version of Gossip Girl's social ladder climbing
07:18lonely boy Dan Humphrey.
07:20At the beginning, Joe seems like a sweet bookseller, a salt-of-the-earth guy who's just unlucky in love.
07:25His constant voiceovers paint him as someone very intensely detail-oriented.
07:29Based on your vibe, student, your blouse is loose.
07:35You're not here to be ogled, but those bracelets, they jangle.
07:39And sure, Joe comes on a little strong, but he does things that seem like a big deal for a
07:43boyfriend in New York City, including, gasp, go to Ikea with Beck.
07:47Though even then he begins to let slip that he's not really the nice guy he pretends to be.
07:52Bedroom isn't big enough to fit a king.
07:54You're right, it's too...
07:57How do you know that?
07:59It's New York.
08:02At first, the viewer, just like Beck, might see him in this romantic light,
08:07and maybe even justify some of his more concerning earlier actions, like stalking.
08:11The next thing our little friend the internet gave me was your address.
08:14Breaking into her home.
08:15When we live together, your place won't be a pigsty.
08:18I'll clean for us.
08:19And murdering her erstwhile boyfriends and manipulative friends all under the guise of protection.
08:24Joe continuously monologues about how he's not like other guys,
08:28justifying his actions to himself and to the audience.
08:32I'm not a bad person.
08:33She was going to ruin you.
08:35But you're safe now.
08:36Thanks to me.
08:37But as these bad deeds are ratcheting up, Beck finds all the artifacts that Joe has stolen
08:41from her life, including dirty underwear, and they break up.
08:45Later, Joe finds out Beck had an affair with her therapist while she was with Joe, and turns
08:50on her.
08:50Though Beck never asked Joe to intervene in her life and doesn't even know the full extent
08:55of what he did to her, he acts put upon and plays the victim, a telltale sign of love bombing.
09:00I've done nothing but dote on you, support you.
09:05I know.
09:05You paint me out to be this monster, someone who can hurt people, who can do terrible things.
09:10But who is the monster here?
09:12Joe loves the idea of Beck, a strong, beautiful woman who is a soulful writer and an artist,
09:18but he only loves her if he can control her, control everything about the environment they
09:23live in, and if she swears total fealty to him.
09:25Given all of this, it's easy to understand why actor Penn Bagley seems concerned that
09:30some fans of the show are taking away the wrong message and think they're in love with
09:34Joe.
09:35Have I mentioned that Joe is a murderer and he should not be trusted?
09:38Have I mentioned that?
09:39The ultra-rich villain and the psychopath serial killer certainly make for good examples of
09:43the scariest parts of the love bombing trope.
09:45But there are other characters that are much more like people we'd encounter in our everyday
09:49lives that help showcase how this type of behavior has been normalized in the real world.
09:54Ted Mosby, from How I Met Your Mother at first, just seems like a hapless guy who is looking
09:59for love in all the wrong places.
10:00It's like, okay, I'm ready.
10:03Where is she?
10:04But after endless elevator meet-cutes and standing outside in the rain, every time leading to Ted
10:09proclaiming that this woman is the one and he must have her, we can start to see that
10:14Ted is actually nearly just as delusional and selfish as Joe Goldberg, only in a more
10:19societally acceptable and less murdery way.
10:22Ted wants to have a sweeping romance so badly that any woman who he can project onto will
10:27do, even if she disagrees.
10:29She can't say it's not meant to be.
10:31It is meant to be.
10:32And you know why?
10:33Because I mean it to be.
10:34He even uses some Joe Goldberg-ian tactics, like stealing and deploying information so a
10:39woman will like him.
10:40Summer Breeze is my guilty pleasure song.
10:42It's been stuck in my head ever since I heard it this weekend at brunch.
10:47I love brunch.
10:49And later, even stalks a lady.
10:51And now, a very single and available Maggie Wilkes is on her way to this very spot.
10:56I sent a cab with a female driver so she'd have no other interaction with a man until
11:00she got to me.
11:01Of course, How I Met Your Mother is a comedy, so all of his weird and creepy behavior is
11:06played for laughs.
11:07Just like you, Ted is narrating all the episodes, so we're trained to think his perspective is
11:11correct, even normal.
11:13Plus, he has his adorkable friends all around him, confirming this narrative about himself.
11:18A guy called Ted Mosby.
11:20A guy who's uncynical and sincere.
11:23I believe that deep down, you're still that guy.
11:27I am still that guy.
11:28There's no better example than his treatment of Robin, who is, spoiler alert, not the titular
11:34mother, but is Ted's soulmate, or so only he thinks.
11:38He decides it's love at first sight, but Robin isn't feeling it.
11:41He's just looking for something a little bit more serious than I am.
11:44I mean, the most I can handle right now is something casual.
11:47He convinces Robin to come to a 72-hour party, only to eventually admit he's thrown it just
11:52for her.
11:53I didn't throw this party to set you up with Carlos, or the one before that.
11:56When he finally wears Robin down, and she does agree to go out with him but runs late,
12:01he casts Robin aside and takes a girl he just met to the wedding instead.
12:05And even when they do start dating, Ted creates more and more deluded, over-the-top romantic
12:10gestures with two high stakes that ultimately push Robin away.
12:13I need an answer.
12:16If you want me to say yes right now, I can't do that.
12:20Well, if it's not yes, then it's a no.
12:23Only to then claim he loves her just to stroke his own ego.
12:27How long have you been hung up on Robin?
12:30Eight years?
12:31And you're still killing yourself to fetch dumb little trinkets for her.
12:34Regardless of if she actually returns his affections, or more importantly to him,
12:38returns them to Ted's satisfaction.
12:40Just tell me.
12:43Do you love me?
12:44No.
12:45After all this repeated jerking around, romantic gesture to rejection, and back over and over
12:50again, it becomes hard to swallow that this central couple of How I Met Your Mother was
12:54ever supposed to come across as romantic at all.
12:57So if love bombing is so terrible, often ruining the lives of the victims, why does this trope
13:02seem to pop up again and again on screen?
13:05Well, the intense and cyclical nature of love bombing lends itself naturally to television
13:10in particular.
13:11The beginning of a love bombing relationship, sure, feels like a movie.
13:14A woman getting swept off her feet by a man's words and actions, and the rest of the beats
13:19of this kind of relationship also follow the structure of a hero's journey.
13:23Basically, where a hero gets into a situation that changes them, like a new relationship,
13:27messes them up, like a big fight in a relationship, and brings them to a low point.
13:31And then, after learning something about themselves and resolving the conflict, like stopping a victim
13:35from leaving by love bombing them again, returns home, which happens to look pretty similar
13:40to therapist Michelin Maliff's diagram of a love bombing relationship.
13:44So for a lengthy show like Gossip Girl that thrives on endless drama, it's easy to bring
13:49Blair and Chuck together via a grand gesture, have them break up, and then like magnets,
13:54fall back together again.
13:55So the cycle can continue.
13:57What this could unconsciously do for people who watch these shows is make them think that
14:01if they're not having these kinds of extreme highs and lows in a relationship, that their
14:06current one is too boring or that person isn't the one, when in actuality, their relationship
14:11might just be healthy.
14:13So it's great that media is starting to really showcase how incredibly toxic this kind of
14:18behavior is with shows like You, though it seems even murder isn't enough to scare
14:22everyone away.
14:23But on the whole, through both these kinds of obviously negative portrayals and more open,
14:28honest conversations about real-life love bombing happening on social media, more and more
14:32people are waking up to the reality about these relationships, and hopefully, this will help
14:37people escape them before they get trapped too deep in the cycle.
14:40You are him.
14:43You are the bad thing.
14:45You are the thing that you should have killed.
14:48That's the take.
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