Street debate: Can we separate sex and money?

DW (English)

Are sex and money inseparable? Whether it's sex work or a question of having money to date, providing for your partner, buying gifts or meeting your partner's financial expectations, money often seems to play a role in sexual relationships. We brought together a group of young Kenyans to find out what they think.

Transcript

00:00in her 1986 single Gwen Gunthrey popularized the expression no romance with no finance but in 2025

00:13we're asking a rather similar question what about sex can that exist without money and if not who

00:19pays the pleasure bill who better to answer this question for me than some lovely Kenyans here in

00:24the capital how many of you believe that sex and money can exist separately do you believe that

00:28it can exist separately let me see oh so you do think that all right so actually you don't think

00:34that I'm a sex worker I've been in sex work for the last 16 years as a sex worker I earn through

00:40sex and I've been earning through sex I pay all my bills with sex but it's not that I don't enjoy

00:45sex sometimes I have I can go with a client and I feel that she's doing better so I can he can just

00:51be like a friend and like another like a boyfriend so Archibela here making it a very clear thing but

00:57you raised your hand saying that you think there's a separation between sex and money I feel

01:00like sex is so special it's intimate it's actually spiritual and I think that when when you start

01:07connecting sex and money and you and they have to coexist I think it reduces people to commodities

01:13and I feel like that demands the whole purpose of it because I believe that sex was introduced by

01:17God for for a reason Mukabana you already want to speak to me because I'm already annoyed

01:22so I feel like yes sex is special and intimate but if we are to even still look at it from the biblical

01:31point of view provision is important in order to create that intimate bond that creates family that

01:39eventually creates community so without including resources in order to build that community

01:45how do we begin and it starts with a nice bed to sleep on okay yeah and a nice bed to sleep on is

01:52expensive all right hold on hold on Archibela already wants to I haven't even asked a question okay

01:57about sex being special yes it is special even as we know in our houses in our homes if our father

02:04don't have money you know the kind of home it will be you see even our mother depends on our

02:09fathers so it's all about sex you can't have sex with someone when you're hungry you see you can't

02:16have some and you have to get money to buy food okay yeah but is it realistic Kenya to assume that you

02:22can actually have intimate relations without resources as Mukabana said every single aspect of life

02:28revolves around money because even if I want to show that gesture I'm like oh my gosh

02:33I need to take babe out I'll buy some eggs maybe put them in a hard shape I'll need to buy maybe

02:40what some sugar maybe a packet of tea and then we go out have a nice picnic I've shown my gesture

02:48with a hundred bob regardless whether I wanted the sex or not which I did I'll still have to remove

02:57money from my pocket to show that gesture to start that process okay even as a lady I cannot date

03:04without money I need to get my hair right I need to do my lashes and this is the first day before I

03:09can be like babe where's the Mpesa if I am a respectable young woman I have to present myself that

03:16I am capable to be amongst somebody be with somebody who is capable of handling that kind of financial

03:23power let me introduce Brian here so the dynamics of somebody who's differently abled are very different

03:29so speak to me about sex pleasure and money from your lens I think in my case money is an is a tool to

03:38get me to unaccessible room unaccessible bed to help me get to bed to help me get the medication that I

03:46need to get the job done I need money to like you say I take my lady to a nice place how does that then

03:53play into your ideas of manhood and masculinity Ben here spoke about provision being a thing that drives him

04:00as a man I'm very much like Ben I want to provide and I want to provide in all ways I want to provide

04:07in bed in the bedroom and I want to provide outside speaking of provision I find it interesting that you

04:13teach women how to empower themselves financially and yet you said to me that you would never date a

04:18man who earns less than you honestly I've already done that relationship however I realized that

04:24especially because right now a lot of women despite there being more opportunity for women women are

04:30still more disadvantaged when it comes to financial power we carry a lot of the burden of bearing life

04:35of emotional labor I think I think as a man you should be cognizant of that fact should be cognizant of

04:40the fact that maybe when she gets pregnant she's gonna get the most heat career wise health wise body

04:46wise she's definitely there's definitely that and maybe as a man you need to consider maybe just to

04:50to see how you can make her life a bit better just by the way you're trying Shanta I think the problem

04:56comes in when especially for men when they look at somebody and they want them but they can't afford

05:02them okay so there are a few things that were said here but I just want to pick up on the first one

05:07that you mentioned that the reason why men are constantly complaining that women want money is

05:11because the men always want to date beyond their means very simple everyone should afford themselves

05:20because sometimes you put very high standards that even your own father can't afford and then you

05:27are expecting another man to do to do that for you instead of you working and do for yourself I know

05:35that they're itchy fingers here but let me come to Vinnie here for a second yeah I completely agree with

05:39what Cheki said because she started she's she's she started by saying that I need money to make my hair

05:48get a complete makeover so that I attacked someone but why are you giving this other person pressure

05:54to afford you when these are things that you're supposed to be doing for yourself to make yourself

05:58feel good and you what happened to invite me out on a date let's go to huru park um grown-ups are like

06:04five bob or ten bob let's chill let's connect if the sex comes after well and good let's start with

06:10the first you you so why not just come up with the money for your own hair your lashes you look very

06:17beautiful today I did not say that I the person that I'm going to date is the one who needs to

06:22provide that I said that even I as a girl in Nairobi I can't date without having some kind of resource

06:30to put myself together and I'm not pressuring anyone to afford me I'm saying that I want to

06:36present myself to the standard and caliber of the past the kind of person I want to attract but let me

06:42get a comment from Brian here because we've heard about financial incompatibilities when it comes to

06:47relationships right but sometimes you start a relationship and you're on an equal footing and

06:52something happens and you lose the finances what I'm feeling from the panel here is that most people are in

06:58the relay and are in relationships with the wrong people I think they should be they should find

07:03people that are more compatible with them and if you want someone who is a provider then look for

07:09someone who has those qualities if you want someone who is a natural go for those so the problem is that

07:15you're looking for a provider in someone who is just trying to build at that time let's hear from

07:20trying to um somebody said that that our parents relationships is to last longer but those

07:25humans suffered in fact what is happening today is that more and more we are discovering that women

07:32especially in marriages have a lot of financial abuse because you take a loan for this dude he

07:38probably goes and spends it on his mpango candle you build with this man when you're in your 60s he looks

07:43up to this 25 year old secretary I'm like at least give me a dowry when we get married so I can invest

07:50it the day you decide to change your mind I'm in a better place so I want to wrap up with you Ben

07:55because at the very beginning you were the only person who seemed to think that money and sex can

07:59exist separately having listened to all these people do you feel more strongly about your position

08:05or less so yeah I do one thing I can tell people is that real relationships exist and a lot of

08:11people on ground are doing relationships without having all these standards that we tend to portray

08:17especially on the media I feel like this is uh so sort of an unrealistic standards that people set

08:24so I think that the more we keep commercializing relationships and all this stuff the more we keep

08:28getting it wrong okay so I asked what appeared to be a simple question at the start who pays the

08:34pleasure bill can sex and money really exist separately well according to this discussion I don't think so

08:40but it definitely has an interesting interplay thank you all for watching bye bye

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