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Phoebe Buffay was the weird, quirky heart of Friends. And while she didn't always have things easy, she *was* always willing to put in the work to go after the life she wanted (and to help...
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00:00:00Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to."
00:00:02Phoebe Buffay can sometimes feel a little superfluous on friends,
00:00:07sort of like the odd friend out.
00:00:09I've always felt kind of like an outsider.
00:00:11You know, the rest of you have these connections that go way back.
00:00:15Major storylines don't usually revolve around her,
00:00:18because she never dates anyone in the group
00:00:19and we only see her live with other friends briefly.
00:00:23So on one level, it's easy to see Rachel's point
00:00:25that if anyone were to be phased out of the group,
00:00:29it would be Phoebe.
00:00:30You live far away.
00:00:31You're not related.
00:00:32You lift right out.
00:00:33But if you were to take Phoebe out of the show,
00:00:35the mix just wouldn't work,
00:00:38because she's the mystery ingredient that spices things up.
00:00:41I am pretty cool.
00:00:43The salt, if you will.
00:00:44Phoebe's edgy, layered personality adds complexity to a series
00:00:48that, in her absence, might border on bland.
00:00:52We have it all.
00:00:53We have crushed, cubed, and dry.
00:00:56Watch.
00:00:57So what is it about Phoebe that ties the whole group together
00:01:02and adds that extra special magic?
00:01:05P as in Phoebe, H as in Hebe, O as in Obe, E as in Ebe,
00:01:10B as in Bebe, and E as in L-O there, mate.
00:01:13Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
00:01:20Everybody!
00:01:21Phoebe is the secret mastermind of the group.
00:01:28She uses her insights about the other characters to pull invisible strings.
00:01:33I like to think of myself as the puppet master of the group.
00:01:36Phoebe the puppet master can be a bit of a troublemaker.
00:01:39Tell him who you originally wanted to hook up with that night.
00:01:42She has a habit of being loose-lipped,
00:01:44Oh my God!
00:01:45Monica, he's the stripper from your bachelorette party!
00:01:49and even straight-up meddling in her friends' personal lives.
00:01:52We could set Ross and Rachel up on horrible dates
00:01:54so that they'll realize how good they are together.
00:01:57Phoebe's interference can have a good or bad immediate effect.
00:02:01Oh, no.
00:02:03Yet Phoebe's friends need her straight-talking and boldness
00:02:07because she pushes them to confront their true feelings about things.
00:02:11It's not negative, it's positive.
00:02:13Are you sure?
00:02:16Well, yeah, I lied before.
00:02:17Now you know how you really feel about it.
00:02:19She helps Rachel realize she's still in love with Ross.
00:02:22Someone I was still in love with was getting married?
00:02:24Still in love with.
00:02:25And at another point, she confronts Ross about his love for Rachel.
00:02:29Now he's using this three divorces reason because he wants to stay married to her
00:02:33because he loves her.
00:02:35She pretends to seduce Chandler to get him to openly admit he's dating Monica.
00:02:39I can't have sex with you.
00:02:40And why not?
00:02:41Because I'm in love with Monica.
00:02:42And in the series finale, her phone call to Rachel
00:02:45Something is wrong with the left phalange.
00:02:49creates a frenzy on the plane and delays Rachel's flight,
00:02:53which gives Ross the opportunity to confess his love just in time.
00:02:57Phoebe seems to take some pleasure in stirring up drama
00:03:01and then sitting back and watching it play out.
00:03:03I don't want to miss the fight.
00:03:05Like when she uses her friends' lives as material for her book.
00:03:09So you knew we were going to miss the movie?
00:03:11That's right.
00:03:12We get the sense that Phoebe is studying these people
00:03:15and manipulating them far more than we realize.
00:03:18You know what the best part of it is?
00:03:20I get to do my plan laugh.
00:03:22But even if she creates surface trouble,
00:03:26in the long run she's helping her friends move closer toward what they truly want.
00:03:31We can understand Phoebe's role in the friend group by looking at the triple goddess archetype.
00:03:36The idea is that there are three female figures,
00:03:39the maiden, the mother, and the crone.
00:03:41So on Friends, Rachel would be the naive and beautiful maiden of the group.
00:03:46Monica is the practical, mature mother figure, and Phoebe is the wise crone.
00:03:51Yeah, I'm very wise, I know.
00:03:52That's not to say that Phoebe's an old woman,
00:03:55but that she has world experience, perspective, and insight beyond her years.
00:04:00There are children coming into the world in this very building,
00:04:03and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing.
00:04:07She sees the big picture more clearly than her friends do.
00:04:11You love her, you always have, you have a child together.
00:04:13There's no right answer.
00:04:15And for the audience, Phoebe serves the function of commenting on the other characters.
00:04:19She points out what's going on with them even when they can't see it themselves.
00:04:23You ate meat!
00:04:26You had sex!
00:04:29It's clear that she's always a whole lot of steps ahead of everyone else.
00:04:34Rachel's pregnant.
00:04:35Oh my God, I can't believe it!
00:04:38With my child.
00:04:39That is brand new information!
00:04:46Phoebe's world wisdom and savvy come from the extreme trauma and tragedy
00:04:51she experienced in her past.
00:04:53My mom had killed herself and my dad had run off,
00:04:55and I was living in a gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand.
00:04:59The show makes a joke of how terrible Phoebe's childhood was.
00:05:03I lost my mom to suicide.
00:05:06Okay, no way.
00:05:07You cannot use that to get the cute guy and the last blueberry muffin.
00:05:10Did I use that already today?
00:05:11I'm sorry.
00:05:12Okay.
00:05:13But ultimately, her edge adds a little more substance to friends.
00:05:16She makes this more than just a show about sheltered people
00:05:19without any exposure to harsh reality.
00:05:22I wasn't rich like you guys, okay?
00:05:24I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony.
00:05:27How Phoebe has responded to her past is also really important.
00:05:31Chandler, the other friend with a painful childhood experience,
00:05:34is still completely emotionally scarred by his parents' divorce.
00:05:38My parents got divorced since I started using humor as a defense mechanism.
00:05:41So it's amazing that even though Phoebe's been through much, much worse,
00:05:46she's made a conscious choice to be open and kind and optimistic.
00:05:50She still has some hardness to her.
00:05:53Well, someday I'll tell you about the time I stabbed the cop.
00:05:55Phoebe?
00:05:56What?
00:05:57He stabbed me first!
00:05:58And she's clear about her boundaries.
00:06:00If you touch my guitar again, I'm gonna have to pound on you a little bit.
00:06:04But she keeps these parts of herself in check.
00:06:07In the alternate reality episodes,
00:06:09Phoebe's a Wall Street workaholic driven by anger.
00:06:12No, no.
00:06:13I said sell when it hits 50!
00:06:155-0!
00:06:16It's a number!
00:06:17It comes after 4-9!
00:06:18So the symbolism is that the Phoebe we know is defined by her choice
00:06:22not to harden herself by giving in to bitterness,
00:06:25which would have been very easy given all that she's been through.
00:06:29You see, that was an actual problem,
00:06:31and yours is just like, you know, a bunch of high school crap
00:06:35that nobody really gives.
00:06:37Phoebe knows what it's like to lose people,
00:06:40so she really understands the value of relationships.
00:06:43My friends are the most important thing in my life.
00:06:46And while the six friends are all good to each other,
00:06:48Phoebe also helps people outside of their circle.
00:06:51These jerks might not care about you, but the universe does.
00:06:55Maybe it's because she grew up far less privileged than her friends,
00:06:58that she's a generous do-gooder in the world at large.
00:07:01I mean, last year I spread a little joy, but not really enough.
00:07:04So this year I'm gonna do the whole city.
00:07:06The other five friends are private citizens,
00:07:09but Phoebe's a world citizen,
00:07:11who's driven by her social conscience and desire to be a good humanitarian.
00:07:15Okay, let's start with the free massages at the UN.
00:07:18Oh, that's my new thing!
00:07:19I figure bodies at peace make peace.
00:07:21A lot of her storylines are about her determination to make the world better.
00:07:26I'm gonna find a selfless good deed.
00:07:28I'm gonna beat you, you evil genius.
00:07:30And Phoebe does really hard selfless things,
00:07:33like being the surrogate for her half-brother's babies.
00:07:36I know it's gonna be like a million times harder to give up a baby,
00:07:39but oh my god, it's gonna feel like a million times better, right?
00:07:43When she can't bring herself to keep the money that shows up in her bank account accidentally,
00:07:47what she says tells us a lot about her value system.
00:07:50I'd never be able to enjoy it.
00:07:52It would be like this giant karmic debt.
00:07:54For Phoebe, good karma and what she puts out into the universe
00:07:58is far more important than the earthly money or success she receives.
00:08:02Phoebe's the exception to the rule of upper-middle-class ascension that we see in Friends.
00:08:07She doesn't really have much career ambition.
00:08:10She floats between different jobs and doesn't have that drive to be the head of her team,
00:08:14the star of a big TV show or the well-paid executive.
00:08:18So she ends up being a refreshing alternative to the assumption
00:08:21that you need a prestigious, high-powered career in order to see your life as successful.
00:08:26To years of hard work finally paying off.
00:08:30And to knowing that career doesn't mean everything.
00:08:34The fact that the more mainstream Five Friends like Phoebe so much
00:08:38proves that they're more complex and interesting than they might first appear.
00:08:42And Phoebe leads her more sheltered friends by example.
00:08:46She helps them be more empathetic, open-minded people.
00:08:49I believe this is my mother. Even if I'm wrong, who cares?
00:08:54Just be a friend, okay? Be supportive.
00:08:57She shows them the power of having strong values.
00:09:00Honey, you have principles and I so admire that.
00:09:04And not caring what anyone thinks of you.
00:09:06People were looking at us like we were crazy.
00:09:08Why do you care?
00:09:09Because they're people.
00:09:11But people that you don't know and will never see again.
00:09:14She teaches her friends to be more stable and emotionally mature in the face of personal challenges.
00:09:20All right, you don't have to love each other, okay?
00:09:22You don't even have to like each other much right now.
00:09:25But please, you have to figure out a way to be around each other.
00:09:29It can be easy to underestimate Phoebe because she comes across as an oddball.
00:09:39No, no, no, don't. Stop cleansing my aura.
00:09:43And a true innocent with her head in the clouds.
00:09:46When you said the deal with Santa Claus, you meant...
00:09:49That he doesn't exist.
00:09:50Right.
00:09:55But it's a mistake to confuse her kookiness for a lack of depth.
00:09:59She's a layered, nuanced person full of contradictions.
00:10:03She's tough yet flaky.
00:10:04That's true, I am flaky.
00:10:06Weird yet wholesome.
00:10:08Free-spirited yet firm.
00:10:10Phoebe is a kind of wild card.
00:10:12On the moment-to-moment level, you never know what exactly is going to come out of her mouth.
00:10:16Oh, wait!
00:10:17My grandmother's dead.
00:10:18And on the deeper level, too, she's ever surprising both others and herself.
00:10:23Yeah, I'm a big surprise.
00:10:26Due to Phoebe's complexity and surface weirdness, her friends, and maybe viewers,
00:10:30sometimes miss the fact that she has normal human needs.
00:10:34All I wanted to do was have dinner with my friends on my birthday.
00:10:39Phoebe may take pride in being different, but she comes to see that in many ways she's
00:10:44also the same as everyone else, and she has to assert that to get her needs taken seriously.
00:10:50When we make plans, I expect you to show up, okay?
00:10:53I can't just be a way to kill time till you meet someone better.
00:10:56When she gets into her first long-term relationship with Mike,
00:10:59she's surprised to realize that she's really drawn to traditional family life.
00:11:03I had no idea you were so conventional.
00:11:05I know, I guess I am.
00:11:07Oh my God, load up the Volvo, I want to be a soccer mom!
00:11:11So when Mike rules out the possibility of marriage,
00:11:13she has to speak up and explain why this is a deal-breaker for her.
00:11:17I haven't exactly had a normal life, and I never really felt like I was missing out on anything,
00:11:22but it just feels like now it's my turn to have some of the regular stuff.
00:11:27This is a key moment for Phoebe.
00:11:29She's coming to terms with the fact that she wants conventional things,
00:11:33and there's nothing wrong with that.
00:11:35Earlier in the show, it might seem mysterious why Phoebe spends all of her time
00:11:39with such mainstream people.
00:11:41You're, you know, so vanilla.
00:11:44But she values their stability and normalcy,
00:11:47especially because those things have been missing in most of her life.
00:11:51So what's funny is that for her character, doing the traditional thing
00:11:55actually is the unexpected choice that pushes her out of her comfort zone.
00:12:00Despite her flower child persona,
00:12:02the Phoebe we first meet can be rigid and stuck in her ways.
00:12:06And while Phoebe's staunchness is often a great thing,
00:12:09at times it leads her to be too harsh with people,
00:12:12or insist on making a statement when it's not strictly necessary.
00:12:16I am mad at you, I know that much.
00:12:18So Phoebe finally grows when she learns to be less dogmatic about her moral ideas,
00:12:23and become more flexible.
00:12:25And now, you know what, just because potentially the love of my life
00:12:29comes back from Russia just for one night,
00:12:31I should change my beliefs?
00:12:34I should change my beliefs.
00:12:36So as the essential mystery ingredient of Friends,
00:12:39Phoebe is the behind-the-scenes mastermind,
00:12:42who adds depth to the show and helps her friends be better people.
00:12:46Every time we watch, there's a new layer to discover within that one-of-a-kind enigma,
00:12:50who is Phoebe Buffay.
00:12:53I may play the fool at times, but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde girl
00:12:58with an ass that won't quit.
00:13:00Ursula Buffay is more than just Phoebe Buffay's alluring,
00:13:04fantastically mean sister.
00:13:06I'd invite you, but I only have two tickets left.
00:13:09This mysterious and disturbing presence on Friends
00:13:12is one of comedy's most iconic examples of the evil twin.
00:13:17May we help you?
00:13:18These sisters may be identical on the outside,
00:13:21It's me, Phoebe.
00:13:22Oh, I thought there was a mirror there.
00:13:24but inside they're total opposites.
00:13:26Do you want some chicken?
00:13:28No, no food with a face.
00:13:31So what's the deeper meaning of Ursula in this story?
00:13:34It's true, we were one egg once, but, you know, we've grown apart.
00:13:39Phoebe's dark double expresses all the negative qualities her sister has rejected.
00:13:45The light sister is warm, well-intentioned, and feeling.
00:13:49The dark one is cold, devious, and basically an embodiment of the apathy
00:13:54Phoebe has worked so hard not to give into.
00:13:57I just lost a whole year of my life.
00:14:00Okay.
00:14:01Even though this would have been the easier path,
00:14:04given the childhood trauma she lived through.
00:14:06Let's see, my mom had killed herself and my dad had run off,
00:14:09and I was living in a gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand.
00:14:13To dig into Ursula's psychology and what she symbolizes on the show,
00:14:17we're going to look back at the history of the evil twin,
00:14:20and why this trope is a window into what we fear most about ourselves.
00:14:24Twin stuff is always a real big seller.
00:14:36So, where does the evil twin come from?
00:14:39You're saying, you know, that one of twins is likely to be abnormal.
00:14:42The good evil twin structure comes from the idea in many cultures
00:14:45that twins embody duality or are inversions of each other.
00:14:49You see, in all witch twins, one twin is evil and the other one is good.
00:14:55In recent memory, the character type is most associated with soap operas.
00:14:59What a soap opera.
00:15:00I was waiting for, like, an evil twin to appear.
00:15:03As we see on Friends itself.
00:15:05I got an audition for all my children.
00:15:07And I'm so, so right for it, you know?
00:15:09He's just like me.
00:15:10Except that he's a boxer and has an evil twin.
00:15:14He's not Drake.
00:15:15He's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin.
00:15:19And Ursula's plots channel the over-the-top villainy of the soap opera-style clone.
00:15:25Okay.
00:15:26Yeah, not a prayer chain, but what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan.
00:15:31As she exploits her likeness to Phoebe for her own gain.
00:15:35That was Phoebe Buffay, the porn star.
00:15:38Creating confusion and chaos everywhere she goes.
00:15:41We didn't have sex.
00:15:42Well, if I didn't have sex with you, I had sex with somebody who looked an awful lot like.
00:15:47Ew, ew, ew!
00:15:49The evil twin has been gracing our screens at least since the 1930s and 40s,
00:15:54and can be traced to a variety of genres.
00:15:57Horrors.
00:15:58I've been getting ready for this for months.
00:15:59Now when I appear before them as the kindly Anton, no one will oppose me.
00:16:04Noir thrillers.
00:16:05Little twins are, you know.
00:16:07Reflections of each other.
00:16:08Everything in reverse.
00:16:09Westerns.
00:16:10He's just a man who looks like me.
00:16:12Apparently enough so to be my twin.
00:16:15And serial films.
00:16:16It's also a long-standing fixture in comic books.
00:16:20Who are you?
00:16:21The question is, who are you?
00:16:23The 1939 adaptation of Alexandre Dumas' Man in the Iron Mask
00:16:28is a good template for a lot of what would become fixtures of evil twin stories.
00:16:32We were almost one body, one life.
00:16:34You have, me have.
00:16:35Twins who've been separated for a long time.
00:16:37She said you guys haven't talked in like years.
00:16:40Yeah.
00:16:41To the point that the good twin may not even know about the other.
00:16:44I am saving your majesty the embarrassment of hanging your twin brother.
00:16:48Brother?
00:16:49And identifying physical marks so the audience can tell them apart.
00:16:53Oh, it's a tattoo!
00:16:54That's weird.
00:16:55Phoebe doesn't, oh.
00:16:57Wait, that's Ursula!
00:16:59The evil twin impersonating their sibling.
00:17:01Let's go, Phoebe.
00:17:02And, and, you're using my name.
00:17:04The good twin coming out on top symbolizing the triumph of justice.
00:17:08I just went to pick up Phoebe Buffet's checks, there were a lot of them.
00:17:12And environmental differences that may partially explain the twin's wildly divergent moral compasses.
00:17:18Would you force my half to live in shadow and despair,
00:17:20so that your half might live in grandeur and glory.
00:17:23One of the most artistically significant early uses of the evil twin
00:17:27is Charlie Chaplin's The Great Dictator,
00:17:29in which a good-hearted Jewish barber is a dead ringer for the most evil figure imaginable,
00:17:35Adenoid Hinkle, a mocking stand-in for Adolf Hitler.
00:17:47Against the backdrop of this bottomless hate,
00:17:50the barber becomes a beacon of goodness and hope.
00:17:53We want to live by each other's happiness, not by each other's misery.
00:17:56We don't want to hate and despise one another.
00:17:59Chaplin's 1940 film was made to fight fascism in the midst of World War II,
00:18:04and it brings out the main point of the evil twin dichotomy.
00:18:07It's a way of using two people to represent inverse moral views.
00:18:11The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way.
00:18:16This is exactly what we see in Friends, too.
00:18:19Ursula is the inverse of Phoebe's most defining character traits.
00:18:24Phoebe's relationships mean everything to her.
00:18:26My friends are the most important thing in my life.
00:18:28So Ursula doesn't seem to care about anyone.
00:18:32See, I already thought she was dead, so I've kind of made my peace with it.
00:18:36Phoebe is generous and giving to a fault.
00:18:39Ursula is selfish and only takes.
00:18:41It's a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now.
00:18:45She's helped so many people to quit smoking.
00:18:48At the core of Ursula's characterization is a total lack of feeling for others.
00:18:54Do you have my birth certificate?
00:18:56No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
00:18:59Which underlines that the core of Phoebe's character is how much she cares.
00:19:04I'm gonna be out there spreading joy to the people.
00:19:06I mean, last year I spread a little joy, but not really enough.
00:19:09So this year I'm gonna do the whole city.
00:19:11Ursula's evil twin nature was actually born of circumstance.
00:19:15The character originated on another popular sitcom, Mad About You,
00:19:20which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1999.
00:19:23Well, I think our waitress took another job.
00:19:25Hello!
00:19:26Oh, there you are.
00:19:28And I'll have the same.
00:19:30As her?
00:19:31Yeah, same as her, but I like my own.
00:19:34Okay, I'll ask if we're allowed to do that.
00:19:37Ursula's original personality was still oblivious.
00:19:40Ursula, the menu is on fire. Ursula?
00:19:42Okay, what do you want?
00:19:43The menu is on fire.
00:19:44Oh, all right.
00:19:45There.
00:19:46But she wasn't a villain.
00:19:47She was just off in her own world.
00:19:48I saw Ursula as like this nice person, you know, really nice.
00:19:49Just didn't pay attention to anything.
00:19:50You look different.
00:19:51Well, I had a baby.
00:19:52Last time you saw me, I was pregnant.
00:19:53No, that's not it.
00:19:54Okay?
00:19:55You got your braces off.
00:19:56When Lisa Kudrow was cast as Phoebe on Friends,
00:19:58the show creators were tasked with explaining why the same actress
00:19:59was appearing on two different shows with similar time slots.
00:20:00So they made the characters twins,
00:20:01and it was then that Ursula was reframed as a dark antagonist.
00:20:03I think it was the Friends writers who decided that Ursula was this evil person.
00:20:08You know, maybe they didn't like that they had to include her.
00:20:09I don't know.
00:20:10When Phoebe first mentioned the story,
00:20:11she's a character.
00:20:12She's a character.
00:20:13She's a character.
00:20:14She's a character.
00:20:15I got your braces off.
00:20:16When Lisa Kudrow was cast as Phoebe on Friends,
00:20:17the show creators were tasked with explaining why the same actress was appearing on two different
00:20:17shows with similar time slots.
00:20:20So they made the characters twins, and it was then that Ursula was reframed as a dark antagonist.
00:20:24I think it was the Friends writers who decided that Ursula was this evil person.
00:20:31You know, maybe they didn't like that they had to include her.
00:20:36I don't know.
00:20:37When Phoebe first mentions Ursula,
00:20:38she explains the conflict between her and her sister as a lack of things in common.
00:20:43You're a twin?
00:20:44Oh yeah.
00:20:45We don't speak.
00:20:46She's like this high-powered, driven career type.
00:20:48What does she do?
00:20:49She's a waitress.
00:20:50But when we meet Ursula, she strikes us as very similar to Phoebe.
00:20:55Hello, miss.
00:20:56It's Phoebe.
00:20:57Hi.
00:20:58Hi.
00:20:59Okay, will that be all?
00:21:01Can we start over?
00:21:03Yeah.
00:21:04Okay, great.
00:21:05I'm gonna be over here.
00:21:06She's deeply quirky, and you never know what she'll do or say next.
00:21:10I think Ursula likes me.
00:21:12All I ordered was coffee.
00:21:13She brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries.
00:21:16In Mad About You, we get plenty of scenes where you'd be hard-pressed
00:21:20to tell which sister you're watching.
00:21:22May ye endureth winter's oncoming wrath.
00:21:25So what?
00:21:26Is Rifts doing a whole Thanksgiving theme thing where all the staff dresses up?
00:21:29No.
00:21:31On Friends, though, Ursula's weirdness is reinterpreted as pathology,
00:21:35a sign that she's a sociopath.
00:21:37The only reason he's marrying you is because he thinks all the things
00:21:41you were saying about yourself were true.
00:21:43Well, they could be true.
00:21:44But they're not.
00:21:45Yeah, it's a fine line, huh?
00:21:47By the 1960s, TV was full of Evil Twins, on everything from The Flintstones
00:21:53to I Dream of Jeannie.
00:21:54Goodbye, sucker.
00:21:55I mean, they're sisters.
00:21:57Three out of the seven of the castaways on Gilligan's Island
00:22:00had to fend with Evil Twins.
00:22:02I can pass as ginger at the party tonight.
00:22:04I can fool anyone, anywhere.
00:22:07Popular Western Bonanza gave Evil Twins to all three of the main family's sons.
00:22:12One character, Little Joe, even got two separate Evil Twins.
00:22:16These examples showed how writers reach for the Evil Twin
00:22:19to explore who their characters really are,
00:22:22by contrasting them with a shadow.
00:22:25You know, Boston, just one thing that worries me is about this Superman,
00:22:28the real one I mean there.
00:22:30You know, he's not a punk like me.
00:22:32In Friends, too, Ursula represents a kind of alternate life for Phoebe.
00:22:36There goes my identical twin sister, just walking along, looking like me.
00:22:41We know that Phoebe has a certain darkness in her.
00:22:44It comes out whenever she speaks about her past life.
00:22:47Well, a pipe was my weapon of choice,
00:22:49and pre-teen comic book nerds were my meat.
00:22:53And in the alternate reality episodes,
00:22:55where she's an obsessive, uncompromising workaholic.
00:22:58It's okay.
00:22:59You're allowed one mistake.
00:23:01Just kidding.
00:23:02You are, of course, fired.
00:23:03In light of this, it's interesting that she describes Ursula as a
00:23:07high-powered, driven career type, when she's clearly not.
00:23:10This underlines that Ursula represents the person Phoebe easily could have been,
00:23:15but actively chooses not to be,
00:23:17by opting to do the hardest thing you can do when the world hasn't been kind to you, care.
00:23:22The sad irony revealed through Ursula's storyline is that, in our society,
00:23:27it often pays not to care.
00:23:29Even though Phoebe and Ursula are identical,
00:23:31Ursula has long been considered the more appealing version.
00:23:35Like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one.
00:23:38As an adult, Ursula is irresistible to men.
00:23:41I think she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
00:23:45She's like a siren who puts them in a lovesick spell.
00:23:48One more chance, Ursula, please.
00:23:50You know, I mean, this is just what she does to guys, okay?
00:23:54While Phoebe picks up the pieces of the broken hearts her sister leaves in her wake.
00:23:58I'm just gonna help him, you know, get de-Ursulized.
00:24:01That's good.
00:24:02You should be impulsive and you should be romantic.
00:24:04Just, you did it with the wrong person.
00:24:07So what is it about Ursula that is so spellbinding to the opposite sex?
00:24:12Hey, what do you think of her?
00:24:14She carries a very nice trait.
00:24:16Boy, I'll say.
00:24:18Ursula is unknowable.
00:24:20Her inner nature is a total mystery.
00:24:22I don't know.
00:24:23I like her, you know?
00:24:24She's different.
00:24:25There's, uh, something about her.
00:24:28Most likely because she's totally empty.
00:24:31But in her admirers, this sparks an obsessive desire to see inside an opaque personality.
00:24:39Ursula is unattainable, totally emotionally unavailable.
00:24:42So, um, are you gonna call him?
00:24:44What, you think he likes me?
00:24:46No.
00:24:47Joey.
00:24:48Oh, no, no.
00:24:50He is so smart.
00:24:51He'll figure it out.
00:24:53Ultimately, it appears to be Ursula's very lack of caring.
00:24:57Why are you taking this so seriously?
00:24:59It's just a marriage.
00:25:00The fact that she doesn't really give a damn about them or anything.
00:25:04Well, I'm supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight.
00:25:07I'm supposed to be working right now, so who cares?
00:25:10That drives men wild.
00:25:12Well, did you try calling her?
00:25:13I've been trying for two days.
00:25:15When I called the restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk.
00:25:18I can't believe she's blowing me off.
00:25:20Essentially, it's Ursula's worst personality that makes her more attractive to men.
00:25:25Phoebe's Phoebe, Ursula's hot.
00:25:28No doubt the injustice of this stabs Phoebe in the heart,
00:25:31especially when it's Joey who falls for this emotional detachment,
00:25:35given Phoebe's special love for this friend, which, it's hinted at times,
00:25:39may border on romantic feelings.
00:25:41Yeah, crushes happen all the time.
00:25:43I know, I've had them for all you guys.
00:25:45Except for Ross and Chandler.
00:25:46It's true that Ursula's style of emotional detachment
00:25:51frequently gets rewarded in our society.
00:25:53Ursula goes through life more unscathed than Phoebe.
00:25:56She hurts others, and they don't get to hurt her.
00:25:59In the Mad About You finale, we're told,
00:26:01Ursula Buffet, as you know, became governor of New York.
00:26:04A joke playing on how total incompetence inevitably rises to the top.
00:26:09Put on the pancake.
00:26:10Put your spray on.
00:26:11Yeah.
00:26:12My biggest fears are literally twins and clowns.
00:26:23Lookalikes are a prime example of what Freud called the uncanny,
00:26:27a disconcerting mix of the familiar and the unfamiliar.
00:26:31Freud said one source of the uncanny is repetition.
00:26:34Superstitions about twins may also come from the fact that having multiple babies at a time
00:26:39is much more common for non-human animals.
00:26:42To this day, there are some cultures that see twins as evil
00:26:46and will go as far as to kill twin babies.
00:26:49The formidable threat of the evil twin draws on all these supernatural associations
00:26:54and misconceptions.
00:26:55How'd you know I was coming?
00:26:57Um, yeah, twin thing.
00:26:59How can you defeat someone who looks like you and knows how you'll act?
00:27:03plus seems to have access to otherworldly power.
00:27:07They think like us.
00:27:09They know where we are.
00:27:11They won't stop until they kill us or we kill them.
00:27:14In Friends, we can see this in how Ursula apparently knows everything about their past.
00:27:19I read about her in Mom's suicide note.
00:27:22There was a suicide note?
00:27:24Yeah, no, we're not 30, we're 31.
00:27:27Okay.
00:27:28While Phoebe is constantly searching and struggling to fill in the mystery of her personal history.
00:27:33Your middle name is Pamela?
00:27:34Yes.
00:27:35Well, I never knew mine.
00:27:37The evil twin uses their gifts to impersonate their sibling for malevolent purposes.
00:27:42You kissed my master and made him think it was me!
00:27:46He was constantly destroying the good twin's reputation.
00:27:49Instead he picked up that rifle and shot my brother Ab.
00:27:51Glenn, I don't know what you're talking about.
00:27:52I haven't met up in Red Wing in months.
00:27:54We can all relate to how nightmarish this would feel.
00:27:57If someone who looked exactly like you showed up and started turning your world against you,
00:28:02getting you into trouble for things you didn't do,
00:28:04how could you possibly prove this wasn't you?
00:28:06I'm your dad's twin brother!
00:28:09No one believes me!
00:28:11Unfortunately for Oscar,
00:28:13you've got the wrong twin was a very popular alibi.
00:28:16This is exactly what Ursula does.
00:28:19He just said Phoebe's a porn star.
00:28:21Well, I wouldn't call her a star, but she's really good.
00:28:25You should check out Inspect Her Gadget.
00:28:28We also get a reversal of this when good twin Phoebe impersonates her sister
00:28:33in service of an act of kindness, letting Joey down easy.
00:28:37You know, you're gonna be really, really hard to get over.
00:28:41Underlying this fear of being impersonated by an evil imposter
00:28:45is another, even more potent nightmare.
00:28:48What if it is you?
00:28:50In literature, a version of the evil twin has long been around as the doppelganger.
00:28:55A doppelganger.
00:28:57A corporeal likeness that appears unbidden from the spirit world.
00:29:02The sight of which presages one's own death.
00:29:05Seeing this alternate version of yourself is a reminder of your mortality.
00:29:09And it's also a manifestation of what Carl Jung called the shadow,
00:29:14which he said, quote,
00:29:15personifies everything that the subject refuses to acknowledge about himself.
00:29:20Phoebe reacts to Ursula with fearful aversion.
00:29:23I think it would be okay if I asked out your sister.
00:29:25Why?
00:29:26Why would you want to do that?
00:29:28Why?
00:29:29Like, this person embodies the urges and impulses within her
00:29:33that she most detests and strives to keep in check.
00:29:37Jordan Peele's Us imagines that we all have doppelgangers embodying our buried guilt and sins.
00:29:44What are you people?
00:29:47We're Americans.
00:29:49Perhaps the most iconic example of this idea is Robert Louis Stevenson's
00:29:54Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,
00:29:57where presented with a violent criminal character named Hyde,
00:30:00and a good one named Jekyll,
00:30:02only to learn that these two are actually one person.
00:30:05And the so-called evil, once liberated, would fulfill itself and trouble us no more.
00:30:12So this story highlights how the Evil Double is really a narrative stand-in
00:30:16for that part of ourselves that we're trying to cut out.
00:30:20Which in psychological terms represents the person's secret desires and impulses,
00:30:26committing acts that the real person cannot commit himself.
00:30:32We can see a modern update to this story in Breaking Bad,
00:30:36Mirrored images, right?
00:30:39Active, inactive, good, bad.
00:30:42where the inoffensive chemistry teacher Walter White discovers a Mr. Hyde within himself,
00:30:48the meth-cook mastermind Heisenberg.
00:30:51Say my name.
00:30:52And this inner evil twin gradually takes over.
00:30:56I did it for me.
00:30:58I liked it.
00:30:59This idea that the protagonist and their evil doppelganger are two parts of the same person
00:31:04is reinforced by the common practice of one actor playing both roles.
00:31:08In so many stories, the monster is a dark mirror of the hero,
00:31:12an inversion of the hero's value system which must be defeated.
00:31:16The evil twin makes this in your face by turning the monster into the hero's literal mirror.
00:31:22Ursula the Shadow defines Phoebe's bright light.
00:31:26And we might all ask ourselves,
00:31:28what does my shadow look like?
00:31:30What is the version of myself I'm most afraid of?
00:31:35Ursula may come across as one-dimensionally evil.
00:31:41If I cheat on him, I can call it an affair.
00:31:44But is Phoebe truly a reliable narrator where her sister is concerned?
00:31:48She was the first one to start walking, even though I did it later that same day.
00:31:53But to my parents by then it was like, yeah, right, what else is new?
00:31:56Most of Phoebe's reasons for disliking Ursula come from the distant past.
00:32:00She's always breaking my stuff.
00:32:02When I was eight and I wouldn't let her have my Judy Jetson thermos,
00:32:06so she threw it under the bus,
00:32:08revealing that her rigid mental image of her sister was formed a long time ago.
00:32:12And she, you know, kind of stole him away, and then broke his heart,
00:32:17and then he wouldn't even talk to me anymore.
00:32:21Phoebe's recollections betray an envy of Ursula that carries through to this day.
00:32:26He's really nutsy about you.
00:32:28He is?
00:32:29Why?
00:32:30You got me.
00:32:31And there's nothing like envy to make us interpret everything about someone
00:32:35in the worst possible light.
00:32:36You try this on.
00:32:37I just want to make sure it fits.
00:32:38Oh, my first birthday present.
00:32:40Oh, this is really.
00:32:41Oh, no, no, no.
00:32:42It's for Ursula.
00:32:43It's worth trying to picture all of this from Ursula's perspective.
00:32:48When we get this exchange in their very first scene together,
00:32:52You have not changed.
00:32:54Yeah, you too.
00:32:56it's hinted that Ursula finds her sister deeply irritating,
00:33:00and there may be some lingering baggage on her end as well.
00:33:04Can I come in?
00:33:05Um, yeah, no thanks.
00:33:07It's not hard to imagine that Phoebe may not have been the easiest sibling to live with.
00:33:12As a youth, she was a hardened, violent criminal.
00:33:15Well, someday I'll tell you about the time I stabbed the cop.
00:33:18Phoebe?
00:33:19What?
00:33:20He stabbed me first!
00:33:21When Phoebe greets her sister after all these years with the gift of a Judy Jetson thermos,
00:33:26Right, like the kind of, right.
00:33:29If you're Ursula, this comes across as a pretty passive-aggressive gesture,
00:33:34a reminder that she's still not over something childish you did when you were eight.
00:33:39Ursula is the kind of person who doesn't feel the need to explain herself when people don't get her.
00:33:44This doesn't necessarily mean that the obvious interpretation of her behavior is the correct one.
00:33:49The truth is that Ursula is a mystery, and she remains that because Phoebe just doesn't get her.
00:33:56Why are you lying to him?
00:33:57I don't know.
00:33:58He said he did all this stuff, and then I said I did it too, and he got so excited, it was really fun.
00:34:04We too are primed to see Ursula through these biased eyes,
00:34:08so we don't extend her the same empathy and benefit of the doubt that we automatically give her twin.
00:34:13But if you really do try to make sense of Ursula in Mad About You as the same person we see on Friends,
00:34:19What's the soup today?
00:34:20Wait, I know this one.
00:34:21It's plausible to say that Ursula's evil is really Phoebe's harsh read of a person who,
00:34:27while she's no saint, may deserve a more sympathetic look.
00:34:31What's your name?
00:34:32I'm Ursula.
00:34:33Ursula?
00:34:34I like that name.
00:34:36I don't.
00:34:37I hate it.
00:34:38I hate it.
00:34:39When the Friends are still under the impression that it's Phoebe in the porn video,
00:34:43Monica justifies this.
00:34:45I guess it kind of makes sense though, she had such a terrible childhood.
00:34:48And she hits on something here.
00:34:51The sisters' difficult youth may well be why Ursula acts out in stereotypical ways,
00:34:57selling her body,
00:34:58So you're making porn movies.
00:35:00No, I'm not.
00:35:01We're still rolling.
00:35:03being emotionally closed off and shutting down potential relationships,
00:35:07He is so brave.
00:35:08But that's over.
00:35:09And not wanting Phoebe or any other family in her life.
00:35:12Who is it?
00:35:13It's Phoebe.
00:35:14Oh, great!
00:35:15Oh, you.
00:35:16Seen through this lens, Ursula is really a tragic figure
00:35:22who's been permanently scarred by her painful past.
00:35:25Recent examples of the evil twin bring out that antisocial behavior can stem from
00:35:30feeling mistreated by society.
00:35:32I couldn't stop thinking about you.
00:35:35About how good you have it.
00:35:37Are you seeing the movie Annie?
00:35:39Like that.
00:35:40Only no nice Miss Hannigan for us.
00:35:42And my Sandy was a rat.
00:35:44It's true that Phoebe lived through the same childhood as Ursula,
00:35:48but it's also true Ursula's behavior seems a far more realistic response to trauma
00:35:54than Phoebe's happy-go-lucky warmth.
00:35:56And I ended up living with this albino guy who was like cleaning windshields outside Port Authority,
00:36:01and then he killed himself.
00:36:03And then I found aromatherapy.
00:36:06So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
00:36:08There are plenty of positive stories about twins completing each other
00:36:12and sharing profound emotional intimacy.
00:36:15There's two of me.
00:36:16I mean, two of us.
00:36:17The twin bond embodies the fantasy of being born with a soulmate for life.
00:36:22There's a twin bond.
00:36:24Unless you experienced it, you can't understand.
00:36:28We're twins, we're not like regular people.
00:36:30When I was a kid, I broke my arm and he cried out in pain ten miles away.
00:36:34Twins may develop their own language,
00:36:36and the Minnesota twin family study found that genetic influence is so strong
00:36:41that even twins separated at infancy are likely to end up having an eerie amount in common.
00:36:47I hate them with peanut butter.
00:36:49You do?
00:36:50That is so weird.
00:36:52So do I.
00:36:53You're kidding.
00:36:54Most people find that totally disgusting.
00:36:57On Game of Thrones, Cersei and Jaime Lannister are an interesting example
00:37:01of both the good-bad twin dichotomy and the intimate twin bond.
00:37:05You might say Cersei is Jaime's evil twin,
00:37:09yet the show suggests their incestuous romantic connection is a closeness
00:37:14we non-twins can't even imagine.
00:37:16We shared a womb.
00:37:18Came into this world together, we belong together.
00:37:21Cersei and Jaime's twin obsession is a little extreme.
00:37:24Nothing else matters.
00:37:26Only us.
00:37:28Still, when we look at estranged twins Phoebe and Ursula,
00:37:32Oh, I got you a birthday present.
00:37:34Oh, wow, you remembered.
00:37:36We can't help but see a missed opportunity for a one-of-a-kind ally
00:37:40who knows you like no one can.
00:37:42Yeah, it's gonna be a small ceremony.
00:37:44Just family.
00:37:45His.
00:37:46Even though Phoebe's friends are her chosen family,
00:37:49we sense that not having a good relationship with her sister really wears on her.
00:37:54That's everything I wanted to do before I was 30.
00:37:56Except I wanted to patch things up with my sister.
00:37:59And we get a hint that maybe, deep down, Ursula wants Phoebe in her life too.
00:38:05Wait, if um, if you want to come, I guess that'd be okay.
00:38:10Really?
00:38:11Sure, why not?
00:38:12You could be my sister for the day.
00:38:14Her feelings are just buried under many more defensive layers than Phoebe's are.
00:38:19And the sad truth is, the kind of misfortunes these sisters have endured
00:38:24so often do drive a wedge between people, instead of strengthening their bond.
00:38:29And I have a sister who I've barely spoken to since we, like, shared a womb.
00:38:33While we can applaud Phoebe for choosing not to be like Ursula,
00:38:36that also means Ursula has the potential to be more like Phoebe,
00:38:41if only she were willing to give in to the goodness she's repressed deep within.
00:38:47It's a question fans have been asking for decades.
00:38:50Did Phoebe settle by choosing Mike?
00:38:53Friends' Phoebe Buffet is quirky, unique, and has lived an interesting life.
00:38:57While, by comparison, Mike Hannigan is kind of bland.
00:39:00You don't have to worry about glue sniffing with me.
00:39:03Although I do smell the occasional magic marker.
00:39:06After seasons in which Phoebe's love life was sidelined,
00:39:09Mike was introduced seemingly so the writers could give Phoebe the happy ending
00:39:12the other characters got.
00:39:14In an interview in Variety, the actor who plays him, Paul Rudd,
00:39:18noted there wasn't much to the character, saying,
00:39:20I'm like a prop on this show.
00:39:22So you're a paleontologist, right?
00:39:24Yeah.
00:39:25My cousin's a paleontologist.
00:39:26Huh?
00:39:27Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about.
00:39:30But while subdued Mike may not be creative Phoebe's type on paper,
00:39:35ultimately he offers her stability,
00:39:37and the kind of normal home-centered life she's long privately felt she wasn't allowed to have.
00:39:43Despite Settling's bad reputation,
00:39:45equated with denying yourself true happiness and sacrificing your deeper dreams
00:39:49in favor of stability, it's actually very common.
00:39:52A 2016 study in the UK found that only 23% of adults in relationships polled
00:39:57believed they were dating Mr. or Mrs. Right,
00:40:00while the majority said they were with someone who was very definitely not the one.
00:40:04So rather than this being a tragic reality,
00:40:07could this be the secret to contentment?
00:40:09I don't think that you and I were destined to end up together.
00:40:12I think that we fell in love and we work hard at our relationship.
00:40:15Here's our take on Phoebe and Mike, and how they redefine what Settling really is,
00:40:20maybe the key to a happy ever after.
00:40:23Aside from Ladies Man Joey, Phoebe is the only friend who doesn't really have a long-term relationship
00:40:37for most of the show's seasons.
00:40:38Just go from guy to guy, having fun, and not worrying that it never turns into anything serious.
00:40:44And while Joey genuinely doesn't seem cut out for long-term commitment,
00:40:48it's less clear that Phoebe's actually fulfilled by staying independent and playing the field.
00:40:53When we look closer, her romantic history is beset with obstacles and exciting loves who disappointed her.
00:40:59She fell in love with her gay ice dancer friend Duncan,
00:41:02even marrying him so he could get a green card.
00:41:04But by the time he realized he wasn't gay, he was marrying someone else for real.
00:41:09If you had figured this out sooner and I had been around,
00:41:14do you think that I would have been the one who — no, no, that's all right, don't tell me.
00:41:19She opens herself up to Gary, the police officer who wins her over with his sweetness,
00:41:24only to watch him shoot a bird on their first morning living together.
00:41:27And she has feelings for Ursula's fiancé Eric,
00:41:30but it just gets too weird that he's been intimate with her twin sister.
00:41:33If I didn't have sex with you, I had sex with somebody that looked an awful lot like.
00:41:37You had sex with Ursula?
00:41:39A little bit.
00:41:40When she walked in, I thought she was you and I kissed her.
00:41:44Standing out most is her one who got away, David, the scientist guy who moves away to Minsk.
00:41:49David's having left the country for a faraway destination ceases on one of Phoebe's core issues,
00:41:54the fear of abandonment.
00:41:56We know that all of Phoebe's family left her in some way.
00:41:59What am I going to say? Like, hi, I'm Phoebe, the daughter you abandoned.
00:42:02So as much as David felt he had no choice, David ended up being another person Phoebe loved who ended up leaving her.
00:42:09Thus, it makes sense that one of the things she really values in Mike is how he stays by her even as things get difficult.
00:42:16Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth.
00:42:19I mean, if I can get past that, it shouldn't bother you.
00:42:21And later on, when Phoebe has to choose between Mike and a returned David,
00:42:25she goes with the guy who sticks around.
00:42:27Perhaps if I hadn't gone to Minsk, things would have worked out for us.
00:42:32Issues with abandonment can lead to people forming an insecure attachment style,
00:42:36but sometimes that can manifest in acting avoidant, being overly independent,
00:42:40and pushing others away so you can't get hurt.
00:42:42Phoebe is someone who's constantly giving to others.
00:42:45She even becomes an altruistic surrogate for her half-brother carrying his triplets.
00:42:49And this selflessness of Phoebe's, while genuine, could also be a way of proving that she doesn't need to be taken care of,
00:42:56like everyone else.
00:42:57Given that she's acted for so long like she doesn't need what everyone else wants,
00:43:02it's revealing that Phoebe gets so unsettled by the idea that Mike doesn't see marriage in their future.
00:43:07While their relationship is developing nicely, Mike's refusal to consider marriage introduces an insecurity to their relationship,
00:43:14which, for someone who's used to being let down by men, is difficult to come to terms with.
00:43:18It was okay to move in when I didn't know what was going to happen,
00:43:22but I can't move in knowing nothing is ever going to happen.
00:43:26After they break up, and then he does eventually propose, she declines,
00:43:30underlining that it's not that she wanted to get married right away,
00:43:33she just needed to know it was a possibility.
00:43:35I just needed to know that we were headed somewhere, you know, that we had a future.
00:43:40The gesture reintroduces that security back into the relationship,
00:43:44and the fact that it was Mike who made the move to reignite the romance models something new for her,
00:43:49that while sometimes the people she loves may spend time apart from her, they can also come back.
00:43:54We can have any future you want.
00:44:01It just feels like now it's my turn to have some of the regular stuff.
00:44:05There is a section of the Friends audience who argue that Mike is just too boring to be the right match for Phoebe.
00:44:11But after the chaotic early life Phoebe's lived, Mike gives her the chance to be, well, normal.
00:44:18I had no idea you were so conventional.
00:44:20I know, I guess I am.
00:44:21Phoebe's childhood was dysfunctional and difficult, including homelessness and lacking parental guidance.
00:44:27My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born.
00:44:30How have you never been on Oprah?
00:44:32And her journey in the show is about building the kind of functional, stable life she never had.
00:44:38In addition to her friends, she works hard at cementing connections with family,
00:44:42bonding with her half-brother Frank Jr., even though they're clearly very different people.
00:44:46How I told you about my likes and my dislikes,
00:44:49how I like to melt stuff and how I dislike stuff that doesn't melt.
00:44:53And embraces her role as the cool aunt to his kids.
00:44:56I can babysit anytime you want.
00:44:58You name the day and I'll be there.
00:45:00You could do that for us.
00:45:02Are you kidding?
00:45:03That's what sisters are for.
00:45:04She finds her birth mother and begins to see some of the similarities between them.
00:45:08You know, I wanted to tell you yesterday, but I just felt all floopy.
00:45:13And finally finds her father and is able to see some parts of herself in him, too.
00:45:18I mean, I made up a song to sing you to sleep.
00:45:21Sleepy girl, sleepy girl, why won't you go to sleep?
00:45:27She even continues making periodic gestures towards her cold and aloof twin sister Ursula.
00:45:33Happy 30th birthday, here.
00:45:36It's for the child in you, and the woman.
00:45:39So after she's pieced together the family she always missed,
00:45:42and started building a new, extended family, she feels ready to have her own family.
00:45:47Mike also embodies stability to Phoebe because he comes from almost the opposite background
00:45:51from her, with a wealthy family and safety net.
00:45:54Oh my god, you're rich!
00:45:56Oh, my parents are rich.
00:45:57Yeah, so, they gotta die someday.
00:45:59Even as an adult, Phoebe occupies a more insecure, unstable position than some of her wealthier
00:46:04friends, getting by working as a masseuse and living in her grandmother's apartment.
00:46:08So Mike represents a certain class status and prestige that Phoebe may on some level find reassuring.
00:46:14Counter-intuitively, settling can sometimes feel like a gamble,
00:46:18like you're going all in on the here and now because you're betting nothing better will
00:46:22come along.
00:46:23But for Phoebe, her decision to choose Mike feels more motivated by the kind of future
00:46:27she sees for herself.
00:46:29But do I want that house in Connecticut, you know, near the good schools where Mike and
00:46:33I could send little Sophie and Mike Jr.?
00:46:35Oh my god, I do.
00:46:38Mathematician Hannah Fry argues that in order to have the best chance of finding a stable partner,
00:46:43you should reject the first 37% of people who come along, and then choose the next person
00:46:48who's better than anyone that's come before.
00:46:50It's a tongue-in-cheek application of mathematics, calling to mind Zach Bornstein's viral tweet.
00:46:55The best way to tell if someone is your soulmate out of eight billion people is if they are
00:46:59the third person you date in your mid to late twenties.
00:47:02But it does underline just how much our search for the one is shaped by timing.
00:47:06When Mike arrives on the scene, Phoebe is just beginning to consider her future more seriously,
00:47:11and rethinking her past attitude toward relationships.
00:47:14I'm in my thirties, and I've never been in a long-term relationship?
00:47:18Arguably, we see this in other characters, too.
00:47:21Monica is always under pressure from her parents to settle down,
00:47:24so she first gets together with Chandler at her brother's wedding.
00:47:27Oh, that's my mother's right.
00:47:29Never gonna get married.
00:47:30You know what that is?
00:47:32Who wouldn't want you?
00:47:34After Chandler and Monica get together, Joey, too, begins weighing up whether he wants a serious relationship.
00:47:39I could get a girlfriend, yeah.
00:47:41We could sit in a chair and do crossword puzzles, but you know,
00:47:43are we ever gonna have the closeness like you guys have?
00:47:47So without Phoebe's quarter-life crisis around not having had a long-term relationship,
00:47:51would she have been looking to invest so much in Mike?
00:47:54Maybe not.
00:47:55But she loves him.
00:47:56They have chemistry, and the importance of timing in this picture underlines
00:48:00that settling is about making an informed choice about how what you have now
00:48:05can lead to a future you've always wanted.
00:48:07I want to take care of you, have babies with you, and grow old with you.
00:48:19So why does settling have a bad reputation?
00:48:22Is it because we always assume that the grass is greener on the other side?
00:48:25Or is it because this more realistic attitude toward relationship building feels unromantic somehow?
00:48:31I'm not romantic, you know.
00:48:34I ask only a comfortable home.
00:48:37And, considering Mr. Collins' character,
00:48:40I am convinced that my chance of happiness with him is as fair as most people can boast
00:48:44on entering the marriage state.
00:48:46Often what we've seen on screen has planted a deep fear of settling in many of us.
00:48:50In the office, when we first meet Pam, she is a kind of cautionary tale of settling.
00:48:55She is unhappily engaged to Roy for years, not looking forward to anything,
00:49:00trapped in a settled stasis.
00:49:02The Dundee Award for longest engagement goes to Pam Beasley.
00:49:09The discussion of settling often assumes that there's someone better waiting,
00:49:13and in Pam's case, obviously that's Jim.
00:49:15While Roy is brutish, cruel, and doesn't really seem to get Pam,
00:49:20Jim is kind, funny, and relates to who Pam really is.
00:49:24She is so great.
00:49:26The feeling that your better soulmate may still be out there is pervasive.
00:49:30In the UK study quoted previously,
00:49:32around 18% said they'd avoid marrying their partner in order to wait for the One,
00:49:3733% thought Destiny would intervene to introduce them to the One,
00:49:41and around 80% of respondents said they'd consider a future divorce
00:49:45if their soulmate showed up after they were married.
00:49:47Our culture believes settling diminishes something of yourself
00:49:51in order to fit the trajectory you think a relationship should follow.
00:49:54It's something BoJack Horseman creator Raphael Bob-Waksberg expressed eloquently
00:49:58in his Twitter poem about Marge and Homer Simpson.
00:50:01Does Marge have friends?
00:50:02Who tells Marge to leave the brute knowing she won't?
00:50:05You don't have to stay. You deserve so much more.
00:50:07Countless stories tell us that choosing a lesser love may seem like an easier option,
00:50:12but it won't work, and it's just delaying an inevitable breakup.
00:50:15But settling isn't always choosing the lesser option.
00:50:18Instead, it can display a maturity that now you're thinking about the bigger picture of the relationship.
00:50:23In Knocked Up, Ben and Allison probably wouldn't have ordinarily ended up together,
00:50:29but when their one-night-stand leads to an unexpected pregnancy,
00:50:32it forces them both to reconsider their priorities.
00:50:35You read the baby books?
00:50:37Yeah. I did. I read three of them, actually.
00:50:41The family they create together becomes more important than each of them,
00:50:45and so they settle in order to provide a better life for their child.
00:50:48Don't tell mommy what was the smartest thing I ever did listening to her,
00:50:53because now you're here.
00:50:54When Monica is weighing up her choice between Chandler and Richard,
00:50:57it's not just predicated on who she loves more,
00:51:00but who can give her what she wants out of relationship.
00:51:03I'm not a kid anymore. I need to be with someone who wants the same things that I do.
00:51:08But she realizes that her and Chandler shaping their future together in the present
00:51:12is realer and more solid than Richard coming back into the picture and changing his mind
00:51:16after not wanting a family with her.
00:51:18This is exactly what Phoebe comes to realize when presented with almost the exact same choice
00:51:23in David and Michael.
00:51:24In the early days of her relationship with Mike, she backslides and kisses David,
00:51:28and during their marriage-related breakup, David returns and plans to propose.
00:51:32But despite Phoebe finally getting the chance to have that stability with the one that got away,
00:51:38now it's Mike that's really on her mind.
00:51:40I'm crazy about David, and we're having so much fun together.
00:51:44Why? Why do I miss Mike?
00:51:46Her eventual decision to choose Mike feels like a rejection not just of David,
00:51:50but the former ideas about love she had when she met him as a younger woman,
00:51:55ideas that were more stereotypically romantic, but also more immature.
00:51:59Mike's characteristics are more important to the grown-up mature Phoebe
00:52:03than being with someone who's more dramatically weird
00:52:06or presents like a neurotic, exciting genius.
00:52:09Phoebe and Mike reveal that settling doesn't have to mean not choosing your soulmate,
00:52:14but rather that your deepest match and reflection of your values
00:52:17might not be what you used to think.
00:52:19These are my rat babies!
00:52:21Yeah, we have rat babies now.
00:52:27As different as Mike and Phoebe may seem, they're similar in ways that are important to them both.
00:52:32They're creative and appreciate the arts, bonding early on over their love of music and eclectic tastes.
00:52:38What kind of music do you play?
00:52:39Well, like acoustic folksy stuff, you know, but right now I'm working on a couple Iron Maiden covers.
00:52:45They have a shared sense of humor.
00:52:47Maybe, most importantly of all, Phoebe doesn't have to diminish any of her quirks or eccentricities to make Mike happy,
00:52:53because it's exactly these eccentricities that Mike loves so much about her.
00:52:57You're so wonderfully weird.
00:52:59As a reflection of Phoebe, steady and calm Mike also reveals that underneath her wacky individualism,
00:53:05she too is surprisingly balanced and reasonable.
00:53:08Both are willing to listen to others, debate topics, and sometimes change their minds.
00:53:13This kind of open-minded resilience is an attractive and important quality,
00:53:17especially for couples who will need to evolve together over time.
00:53:20Returning to that UK settling study, according to respondents,
00:53:24the ideal soulmate was said to possess a forgiving nature,
00:53:27to be kind and caring, and to love me unconditionally.
00:53:30This sounds very much like how Mike is with Phoebe.
00:53:33I love Phoebe.
00:53:34When she's the single most important thing in my life,
00:53:37I'd die before I let anything happen to her.
00:53:39And of course, there's the fact that Mike is played by the very handsome
00:53:44and never-aging Paul Rudd, not a bad-looking guy to settle with.
00:53:48So yes, Phoebe probably has settled with Mike,
00:53:51but in doing so she gives us a new, more optimistic interpretation
00:53:55of what settling actually is.
00:53:57Not accepting less, but instead knowing when to cash out because the going is good,
00:54:02and it's time to enjoy your winnings.
00:54:05Phoebe Buffay is the quirkiest friend,
00:54:07unafraid to walk or run to the beat of her own drum.
00:54:10And while some may have been surprised by her desire for a more traditional family
00:54:14and friends later seasons,
00:54:16if we really take a closer look at her character,
00:54:18it actually makes a lot of sense.
00:54:20I haven't exactly had a normal life,
00:54:22and I never really felt like I was missing out on anything,
00:54:25but it just, it feels like now it's my turn to have some of the regular stuff.
00:54:30So here's our take on why Phoebe would make a great mom,
00:54:34and how her journey of discovering herself over the show's 10 seasons led her down this path.
00:54:39One of the first things we learn about Phoebe is that she had an incredibly difficult and traumatic childhood,
00:54:48though this is usually played for laughs.
00:54:50My mom had killed herself and my dad had run off,
00:54:53and I was living in a gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand.
00:54:57She never had a safe, secure family structure,
00:55:00and had to take on the world alone from a very early age.
00:55:04In this process, she became both wise about the world and good at reading people.
00:55:08Two skills that actually make her very smart,
00:55:10but in a way that's often overlooked by her friends because of her kooky vibe.
00:55:14I know that, I know that you're acting mad because you think that'll make it easier to leave,
00:55:19but deep down you're still really sad, deep, deep down.
00:55:22Phoebe's secret wiseness allows her to help her friends in ways that no one else could,
00:55:27because she can step back and see the bigger picture due to having more life experience,
00:55:32just like a great mom does.
00:55:34Yeah, I'm very wise, I know.
00:55:35And in this way, Phoebe is kind of the mom friend of the group,
00:55:38the one everyone goes to for advice, help, or laugh,
00:55:41but whose emotional work is often overlooked.
00:55:44She's always there for the people that need her,
00:55:46she brings out the best in those around her,
00:55:48she isn't afraid to stand up for herself or her loved ones,
00:55:52and her weird ways actually make her a lot of fun.
00:55:55Phoebe isn't afraid of failure, or of being made fun of,
00:55:58and won't let a little pushback stand in the way of getting what she wants.
00:56:02You know what the best part of it is? I get to do my plan laugh.
00:56:05And she, in turn, helps draw out the confidence in her friends
00:56:11in the same way a mom would lead her own children along the path to self-assurance.
00:56:15Phoebe knows how important it is to believe in yourself
00:56:18and be able to go after what you want,
00:56:21even if it might be a little scary at first.
00:56:23She's always ready to lend an ear to her friends and to give advice,
00:56:27even if it's not always the advice they might want to hear.
00:56:30It's complicated, okay?
00:56:33Yeah, that's true.
00:56:36You love her, you always have, you have a child together.
00:56:39There's no right answer.
00:56:40She's also very accepting and willing to see her friends as they are,
00:56:44instead of who she thinks they should be.
00:56:46This allows them to be themselves around her,
00:56:48and even opens them up to seeing new sides of themselves.
00:56:52And Phoebe doesn't just care about her tight-knit little roots,
00:56:55she makes it a point to help improve the days,
00:56:57or even lives, of people all around her.
00:57:00I'm gonna be out there spreading joy to the people.
00:57:02I mean, last year I spread a little joy, but not really enough.
00:57:05So, this year, I'm gonna do the whole city.
00:57:07She shows the group how important it is to look outside of yourself at the bigger picture.
00:57:12At first glance, it might seem like Monica or Chandler would be the parent-friend.
00:57:16They generally have stable jobs, are mostly responsible, and usually try to keep things in order.
00:57:22I am always the hostess.
00:57:24But, it's Phoebe that everyone turns to for guidance,
00:57:27or for that extra push they need to follow their dreams, or accept their real feelings.
00:57:33Are you sure?
00:57:34Well, yeah, I lied before.
00:57:40Now you know how you really feel about it.
00:57:42And while she might not initially seem all that responsible, she clearly is.
00:57:47In addition to surviving on the streets as a teenager,
00:57:50as an adult, she manages to afford rent in New York City through odd jobs,
00:57:54while setting her own schedule so that she's able to hang out with her friends and enjoy her hobbies.
00:57:59She might not have some conventional, high-powered job,
00:58:02but she's carved out a life that works for her through her tenacity.
00:58:06And we see in the alternate universe episodes how unhappy she would have been
00:58:10if she had gone after those more traditional markers of success.
00:58:14Phoebe's life path has allowed her to develop her resourcefulness,
00:58:18smarts, and sense of self in a way no one else in the group has.
00:58:22And it's all these different facets of herself coming together
00:58:25that allows her to be such a great friend,
00:58:27and that would also allow her to be a great mom.
00:58:34By Season 9 of Friends,
00:58:36Phoebe has decided that she wants to settle down and start building a family,
00:58:40leading her to break up with Mike when he says that he doesn't see marriage in their future.
00:58:44It was okay to move in when I didn't know what was going to happen,
00:58:48but I can't move in knowing nothing is ever going to happen.
00:58:52Phoebe's attachment to a tradition like marriage might have seemed odd at first,
00:58:56especially given how quirky and unbound by tradition she had always seemed to be.
00:59:01But if we really look at Phoebe's story,
00:59:03one of her biggest goals was always building her found family and holding them close.
00:59:08And as someone who has never had a lot of consistency in her life,
00:59:12it's not that surprising that she might see something like marriage
00:59:15as an important step towards a feeling of normality and stability.
00:59:19I just needed to know that we were headed somewhere, you know, that we had a future.
00:59:23She also starts to realize that motherhood is an important part of her dream as well.
00:59:28But do I want that house in Connecticut, you know,
00:59:31near the good schools where Mike and I could send little Sophie and Mike Jr.?
00:59:35Oh my God, I do.
00:59:37This felt a bit out of left field at the time since Phoebe never fell into the stereotype
00:59:42we often see on screen of women who want to be mothers,
00:59:45cooing at babies on the street and staring longingly into toy store windows.
00:59:49But Phoebe was always great with kids and clearly felt a special connection to her nieces and nephews.
00:59:55I can babysit anytime you want. You name the day and I'll be there.
00:59:59Are you gonna do that for us?
01:00:01Are you kidding? That's what sisters are for.
01:00:03Though we never see Phoebe have her own kids during the show's run,
01:00:06we do get a peek into what she'd be like as a mother when she's the surrogate for her half-brother Frank Jr.
01:00:12and his wife Alice.
01:00:13The pair were unable to conceive and ask Phoebe if she could carry their embryos.
01:00:17When Phoebe goes to her birth mother for advice, she's given a puppy to take care of and then give up,
01:00:22with her birth mother noting that giving up a baby will be many times more difficult.
01:00:27And it does prove to be incredibly difficult to let the puppy go.
01:00:31But when she sees how happy it makes Frank Jr. and Alice,
01:00:34who she gives the puppy to instead of giving it back to her mother,
01:00:37she decides that she does want to help them have a baby.
01:00:40I know it's gonna be like a million times harder to give up a baby,
01:00:43but oh my god, it's gonna feel like a million times better, right?
01:00:47Phoebe goes through the many stages of planned pregnancy,
01:00:50like the fear that you won't be able to get pregnant,
01:00:52glee at finally getting a positive result,
01:00:55fatigue and aches, weird food cravings,
01:00:58and the pain, intensity, and joy of giving birth.
01:01:01Phoebe does find that she feels deeply attached to the triplets and doesn't want to let them go.
01:01:06Can I tell you a little secret?
01:01:08Yeah.
01:01:09I want to keep one.
01:01:11When she does finally accept that she won't be able to keep any of the babies,
01:01:14she's clearly sad and disappointed on a deep level.
01:01:18But, um, I mean, did you talk to them about...
01:01:20Yeah.
01:01:21Yeah.
01:01:22Um...
01:01:23No, honey.
01:01:26Oh, okay.
01:01:28It's obvious that she developed a profound love for the babies as she's carried them for nine months,
01:01:33and this likely sparked a longing in the back of her mind for children that she would get to keep and build a loving home for.
01:01:40It's also important to remember that the Phoebe we see in the final seasons of the show is a decade older than the one we meet in season one.
01:01:47It's not at all surprising that someone might have different wants and goals in their late 30s than they did in their late 20s.
01:01:53When we first meet Phoebe, she's only 29, an age where many people are still trying to work out what they really want out of life.
01:02:01She never really had a traditional family structure as she grew up in a chaotic household and then was out on her own from a young age.
01:02:08So it makes sense that she didn't even initially think of that kind of family as something that she could have, much less would want.
01:02:16But by the time she's in her late 30s near the end of the show, she's realized that any path is possible for her.
01:02:22And just like she always pushed her friends to accept their true feelings, she also stands steadfast in what she realizes she really wants.
01:02:31I had no idea you were so conventional.
01:02:33I know, I guess I am.
01:02:35Oh my God, load up the Volvo, I want to be a soccer mom.
01:02:39As the show neared its end, Phoebe and Mike finally got on the same page about their future.
01:02:44But I want to take care of you, have babies with you, grow old.
01:02:51And while some saw this as Phoebe settling, the truth is that she was really making an active choice to go after what she wanted.
01:02:58Mike might not have been as wacky and fun as Phoebe, but he did present an opportunity for her to capture things she had always felt she missed out on.
01:03:06Permanence and the love.
01:03:08While they seem different on the surface, they have a lot of very important things in common.
01:03:13Like their creativity and shared sense of humor.
01:03:15And most importantly, he loves her for who she is, quirks and all.
01:03:20I love Phoebe.
01:03:21When she's the single most important thing in my life, I'd die before I let anything happen to her.
01:03:26And it's this mutual love and respect that makes Phoebe's turn towards wanting a more stereotypical lifestyle feel optimistic instead of off-putting or sad.
01:03:36She's not settling for less or giving up on her true self.
01:03:39She's just expanding the horizons of her weird quirky world to include her husband and eventual kids.
01:03:46You're so wonderfully weird.
01:03:48Phoebe had to learn the ways of the world and how to take care of herself from a young age.
01:03:55But instead of letting this harden her and make her spiteful, she has instead always enjoyed using her knowledge and perception to aid the people in her life.
01:04:04She worked hard to surround herself with good friends and build a tight-knit found family.
01:04:08And as she got older and realized she did actually want a traditional family too, she didn't let the fear of becoming too conventional hold her back.
01:04:16She found a way to stay true to herself even as her desires and opportunities shifted over time.
01:04:23And she provides an important example to all of us, even those of us who don't want to be parents, that it's always okay to change things up to create a happy, safe life for yourself.
01:04:32Even if that means doing something you never would have dreamed of in your younger years.
01:04:37Please, these guys, we haven't even moved in yet and they have us picking out China patterns.
01:04:41China patterns?
01:04:45Being a good parent is about more than just being responsible in the traditional sense.
01:04:49It requires a whole range of skills and emotional maturity.
01:04:53And Phoebe's winding, weird life got her ready to take on anything, including motherhood.
01:04:59In the same way that she's a great friend, sweet girlfriend, and a probably too nice sister,
01:05:04she'll use everything that makes her so amazing to create a wonderful, happy environment for her kids.
01:05:11And help them grow into adults that are just as confident and zany as she is.
01:05:17People were looking at us like we were crazy!
01:05:19Why do you care?
01:05:20Because they're people!
01:05:21But people that you don't know and will never see again!
01:05:25That's the take!
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01:05:35Bye!
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