- 5 giờ trước
Horrible Histories (2009) - Season 11 Episode 9 -
Putrid Pirates and Salty Seadogs
Putrid Pirates and Salty Seadogs
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02:49I didn't want to go to Hvarf in Greenland
02:52I wanted to go to Starr in Norway
02:54What? But you kept saying
02:56Hvar, Hvar
02:57Hvar!
02:58Hvar!
02:59Hvar!
03:00Hvar!
03:01I think I know what's happened here
03:03It's funny I'm completely clean
03:05And yet you were covered in poo
03:11How about the goat?
03:12Check it out
03:13It crosses ocean
03:14It sells up rivers
03:16It's a brand new Viking longship
03:19At top speed
03:20It can go over 35 kilometers per hour
03:22That's really fast
03:24Really fast
03:25It can even sail through terrible storms
03:28This beast is such a beast
03:30It even has a beast head on the front
03:32Beast heads can be anything
03:34A snake, a bull, a dragon, a hamster
03:37Not a hamster
03:39That's not beastly enough for this beast
03:41The longship is the same shape at the front and the back
03:44So it can go in both directions
03:46All you have to do is turn around and row the other way
03:50In fact, I think the only problem with the longship is
03:54Oh, it absolutely stinks when it's new
03:57Stinky ship alert!
04:00It's covered in fat
04:02And stick it all to make it waterproof
04:06I think I'm stuck to the door
04:08Oh, bums
04:10Why?
04:14It's nearly bedtime here at Yee Bee Bee's
04:17So for all you little mariners
04:19Sailing off to Sleep Island
04:21We've got a special guest today
04:23To tell us a bedtime story
04:25About their real life adventures
04:28Hello boys and girls
04:30I am Christopher Columbus
04:32And in 1492
04:34I sailed the ocean blue
04:36Searching for a new trade route
04:38Between Europe and China
04:41But what I actually discovered
04:44Was an entire new continent
04:46The Americas
04:48What an adventure!
04:49It was full of exciting, vibrant people
04:52That I could kidnap and force to work for me
04:55Sorry, what?
04:56And there was nothing they could do
04:58Because we were so heavily armed
05:00OK, how about we just stick to the adventure bit?
05:03OK
05:04There were lots of swashbuckling battles
05:06As we fought for our lives
05:08There we go!
05:09Exciting!
05:10Charge!
05:11The battles ended when I cut the heads of three local people
05:16Here, let me show you how I did it
05:19OK, seriously
05:20I think we should stop talking about the nasty stuff that you did to those poor people who were already living there
05:26And focus on the exploring
05:28That's fine
05:29After we finish there weren't many of them left anyway
05:31Now did you know the Americas are filled with gold
05:36Treasure!
05:38That's more like it
05:40Did you have a treasure map?
05:41I didn't need one
05:42I just said I'd kill any local person over the age of 14 who didn't bring me gold
05:47Much easier
05:48OK
05:49I think we've had enough of your adventures for one day
05:52Possibly forever
05:53You know, I think the message of my story is when you are faced with an impossible task
05:59What you really need to do is believe in yourself
06:03Wow, that is a great message for our children
06:06For example, I believed it was right to have members of my own crew whipped for buying food without my permission
06:13OK, OK, get out
06:14Get out
06:15We're going to get complaints about this
06:18Oh, I had someone complain about what I did once
06:21I just cut out their tongue
06:23What are you doing here?
06:24Good night boys and girls
06:26Good night children
06:28Is he still here?
06:30Which way is the cat in?
06:32No
06:33Oh, hello there
06:35Are you looking to set sail soon?
06:37Well then you've come to the right place
06:39I'm Bessie Miller, 19th century sea-based saleswoman
06:42I and many people like me used to sell something vital to sailors
06:46But can you tell me what it was?
06:48Was it?
06:49A
06:50Sails
06:51B
06:52Ropes
06:53Or
06:54C
06:55Wind
06:56The answer is
06:57C
06:58Wind
06:59We would sell wind to sailors and they thought if they didn't buy the wind
07:02Their sailboats wouldn't be able to sail
07:05That's right
07:06We claim to have complete control of the wind
07:09Sorry, not that kind of wind
07:11Oh
07:14Boats haven't just been used to explore the oceans
07:17They've also been used to fight wars on them
07:20In 1588 King Philip II of Spain unleashed the Spanish Armada
07:25When he sent hundreds of his ships to war with England and Queen Elizabeth I
07:30His fleet was defeated but more armadas were soon to come and they weren't all Spanish
07:36Whoa
07:37It started with the Spanish Armada
07:41That huge amount of ships that we sent against the English
07:44I think we made them mad
07:46It did
07:47It made them so mad
07:49It led to
07:50The lesser known Armada
07:52Try and invade us will you Spain
07:54Right now
07:55It's big time
07:57Sir Francis Drake
07:59Your march
08:01Unleash
08:02The English Armada
08:04You had near unleash the ink
08:09The English Armada
08:13Led by Francis Drake aboard his ship Revenge
08:17180 ships
08:19Tens of thousands of soldiers
08:21We shall destroy the Spanish fleet
08:23Attack
08:24No fleet could match them
08:26Wait
08:27Instead of their fleet of ships let's attack the Spanish city of Coruña
08:34But attacking a well defended city instead of a fleet might not go as well
08:39I wonder if they conquered Spain yet
08:42Hmm
08:43Okay
08:44Might take a bit longer than I thought
08:47Longer?
08:48The winds are blowing in the wrong direction
08:50The men are dying of salvation and sickness
08:52What are you complaining about?
08:53We've still got 5,000 men
08:55Yes but we started out with tens of thousands of men
08:58That's not ideal
08:59The English Armada
09:01The one you've maybe not heard of
09:04And coming soon
09:06You know the English Armada we sent against the Spanish
09:09Because of the Spanish Armada they sent against us
09:11Well I think they may be planning revenge
09:14No
09:15Yes
09:16Another Spanish Armada
09:18The Spanish Armada 2
09:21Armada Harder
09:23I'm beginning to think Armadas might be overrated
09:26Aha!
09:27We pirates are the terror of the high seas
09:34Everyone be afraid of us
09:38Mostly because we can't steer the boat
09:41And we're always bumping into them
09:43But you know
09:44Ships don't just go travelling on the water
09:46They can also go under it
09:48In submarines
09:50But what's it like to actually go in a submarine?
09:54And when I say go
09:56I'm not talking about how you travel in one
10:00Blue man who manned a living toilet
10:02Who ran from the Middle Ages
10:04With a bucket so that you can
10:06Have a poop in a private place
10:08Sitting on my bucket with a cape to hide your face
10:12And bum!
10:13And when you're done
10:14I won't choice depending if you did a two or one
10:17Blue man!
10:19Client
10:22Nine, nine, nine
10:24Ooh
10:25Greetings friend
10:26Who are you and what are you doing on my U-boat
10:29I am Blue Man, the Living Laventree
10:32And you look like a man who needs the little U-boat's captain's room
10:36Yes, I do
10:37Well then, I would like to apply for the jobby
10:41We have a toilet, I'm meeting the engineers at all
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13:41Đã từng khi có đất nước, có vẻ có đất nước,
13:46cũng như phía phía phía trước như thế giới.
13:50A young Julius Caesar đã thấy được điều đó trước khi became famous Roman general,
13:55khi pirates đã tìm được hắn khi bắt đầu học ở Greece.
13:59Cảm ơn, chúng tôi đã tìm được một nobleman,
14:04một bộ phía phía phía phía phía phía.
14:06Perfect.
14:07Tremble, Roman, for you have been captured by the Cilician Pirates!
14:13Yeah, can we hurry this up? Eh?
14:15Look, I'm Gaius Julius Caesar, I've got a lot on and this is really starting to drag.
14:21Tremble!
14:22When we did that bit, can we just get to the ransom demand?
14:25Right, if your friends want to see you alive again...
14:28Blah blah blah, how much?
14:30Serious?
14:3220 Talents of Silver!
14:3520? How dare you!
14:39Tie me up, wrist. I'm staying right here until you get a fee worthy of me.
14:44I mean honestly, ankles, I'm worth 50 Talents at least.
14:48Boyden, 50 Talents, please!
14:51Thank you, 20. Genuinely hurt by that.
14:55Okay, I'll get my men to arrange a payment.
14:58Oi! Men! I've been captured by Cil... Cil... Cil...
15:03Cilician Pirates!
15:05I need you to go around the Aegean coastal cities and raise 50 Talents.
15:09And if they complain, kindly remind them that if they were patrolling properly, then we wouldn't be having so much trouble with these lowlights!
15:18No offence.
15:22Down!
15:24Steve, you don't have to.
15:26Good point.
15:27What are you doing?
15:28So, what have you guys got planned for entertainment?
15:31Entertainment?
15:32Well, sometimes we play ball games or hold athletic tournaments.
15:35Well, you should be quiet. I don't want to play with them.
15:37Sounds fun. I'm in.
15:38Oh, and also, I'm going to need a few of your men for an audience.
15:41Audience?
15:42Yeah. I'll be writing some poetry whilst I'm here and it'd be good to get some feedback.
15:45Yeah, well, my men don't really like poetry.
15:48Oh.
15:49Great!
15:50I've been kidnapped by a bunch of oiks who don't appreciate the arts.
15:53Ugh!
15:54Fine, I'll just get some shut-eye. Just keep it down.
15:57No, I will not keep it down. I've got to keep it low! I'm a pirate!
16:02Shush!
16:03Oh, and by the way, when I get free, I'm going to hunt you all down and have you crucified.
16:07And not in a nice way.
16:09Oh! I'd rather that than listen to his poetry.
16:12Oh, ho, ho, ho! The bird!
16:14I can't hear you now.
16:15Sorry.
16:19Almost a haunt in Spain. I can't wait to...
16:21Boarded by pirates when we were almost home to Spain.
16:27Pirates? In this part of the Mediterranean?
16:30You know what that could mean.
16:32They're going to rob and torture us?
16:34You don't think it means we're being boarded by...
16:37Sayida al-Haraa!
16:39Yeah!
16:40Hurrah!
16:42Woo-hoo!
16:43What the queen!
16:45Yes, pirate queen!
16:46What are you both so happy about? We're going to get killed!
16:49Quake in fear, for it is I, Queen Sayida!
16:55Look, it's going to take ages to write the whole thing.
16:57Can we just all agree it says Sayida?
16:59Die, pirate queen!
17:00Whoa!
17:03Shut up, Maisie.
17:04Seriously.
17:05You're fawning over a pirate queen.
17:07Sayida isn't just a pirate queen.
17:09She's the queen of Morocco.
17:11Oh, yeah. The sultan of Morocco put a ring on it.
17:14Would you sign my arse?
17:16I'm assuming you're not planning to drop it off or anything.
17:20More into gold than terrorising people.
17:22Unless you're Spanish.
17:24The reason I do all this is to get my revenge on the Spanish
17:27for invading my home in Granada and exiling me.
17:31What name shall I put?
17:33Carlos!
17:34That's a Spanish name, innit?
17:38Oh, um, yes.
17:39A bit.
17:40It's, uh, short for Charles.
17:43Hmm.
17:44Okay.
17:45To Charles from Saida.
17:47There.
17:48Oh, thank you.
17:49For a moment there, I thought you were about to kill me.
17:53Oh.
17:54I am gonna kill you.
17:56But neither can use your arm to identify you after I cut your Spanish head off.
18:00Well, I don't mind.
18:01I've met Queen Saida, so I can die happy.
18:04Do you, uh, know these two?
18:06No, no, no.
18:07Where are my manners?
18:09This is Fernando and Manuel.
18:11Oh, goody.
18:12Most Spaniards.
18:13Well, gracias for nothing.
18:16Ah, killed by Queen Saida.
18:18Hm.
18:19I can't wait to tell everyone back home.
18:21Worst voyage ever.
18:25John?
18:27Yeah?
18:28I was just, uh, thinking about our future together.
18:32No, here we go again.
18:36I think we should take our pirate relationship to the next level.
18:39I want to have a matalatosh.
18:40Pete, now is not a good time to talk about this.
18:43Stinky Joe's listening.
18:44Don't mind me!
18:45Oh!
18:47Sorry to interrupt, but, er...
18:49What's the matter, Lattosh?
18:51Well, you know, it's when, er, two pirates formally pair up and share their belongings.
18:55Oh.
18:56Like getting married?
18:57Oh!
18:58It's like I've eaten a load of gunpowder and then stuck a lit match up...
19:01There's nothing like getting married!
19:03Anyway, I've drafted up this contract for us.
19:07I'm gonna read it aloud and, if you agree, you can just say, I do.
19:12Sounds a bit like wedding vows.
19:13Ooh!
19:14I don't know what I'm gonna do when the bucket's full!
19:16Hey, stop!
19:17Do you, John, take me, Pete, to be your lawful buccaneer partner?
19:25Sounds exactly like wedding vows.
19:26We can seal a deal by, er, exchanging some of our treasure as a sign of trust.
19:31Oh, yeah.
19:32Couple of rings, maybe.
19:33Shut it, Stinky Joe!
19:36Okay, coincidentally, yes, I was going to suggest a ring that I stole when we planted the Queen Mary.
19:41You know, I thought, right then, that you are the shipmate for me.
19:47I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
19:51Ooh, but that's gonna bring tears to anyone's eyes.
19:54Shush!
19:55It's not a wedding!
19:56It's a matalatage!
19:57Pete, I'm flattered, I really am, but I just can't commit to...
20:00Now, when I die, as is traditional with all matalatages, you get to keep all my stuff.
20:05Pete!
20:06You're not listening!
20:07I can't have a matalatage with you!
20:08Why not?
20:09Because I'm having a matalatage with someone else, all right?
20:16Well, this is awkward.
20:20Pete, please say something.
20:25Frankly, I think that says it all.
20:29Pete!
20:32Hi, guys!
20:33She's a bunny!
20:34I'm Mary Reed and together, we put the girl boss pirate.
20:39Thanks for joining us for our step-by-step guide to how to be a girl boss pirate.
20:46Step one.
20:47Join a pirate crew.
20:49Now, we all find our pirate crews in different ways.
20:52I disguised myself as a man and joined a ship headed for the West Indies.
20:57When we got attacked by pirates, I thought, well, you can't beat them, join.
21:01And I joined the same crew as Mary.
21:04We are VPFFs.
21:06Best pirate friends forever!
21:09Step two.
21:10Fighting.
21:11Now, you can't be shy of a bit of fisticuffs if you're a pirate.
21:14Fight, daddy.
21:16Mary here likes to shoot people for being cowards.
21:20Guilty.
21:22Now, all of this can get you into a teensy bit of trouble.
21:25So, step three.
21:26Use your natural charm.
21:28Charm offensive or just offensive.
21:31Admittedly, this is the one that we're not so good at.
21:34Definitely worth putting in the effort because it could save your life.
21:39When our pirate crew was captured by the British Navy and sentenced to death,
21:44Anne and I did something called leading the belly.
21:47So, we went up to the executioner and in our best, sweetest, most gladiest voices we said...
21:53And action!
21:55Please, mister, don't kill him.
21:58Just a sweet little lady with a pirate baby in her top two.
22:03You were not a lovely little made of baby pirate lady, would you?
22:09And it worked!
22:11No execution for us.
22:12We were in the clear.
22:14Well, almost.
22:15Right, lady.
22:16The judge wants to see you again.
22:19Pleading the belly only gets you up the hook while you're actually pregnant.
22:23Well, that's all we've got time for today, girlboss pirate fans.
22:27Don't forget to smash a like.
22:29And if you see us coming...
22:31Run for your lives!
22:32We're pirates!
22:33For much of history, only men were encouraged to be sailors.
22:38But that didn't mean women couldn't find their way onto ships too, and not just as pirates.
22:43Even though you had to be a man to join the Royal Navy in the 18th century,
22:47one clever young woman found a way to break the rules and get herself on board.
22:51Well, men, after many long years in the Royal Navy, we're finally back in England.
22:59I'm proud to call you my brothers.
23:02Peter?
23:03Right back at you, man.
23:05Ah, Michael.
23:07Brother in arms.
23:09And old James.
23:11Hey, brothers, men we all are.
23:14Oh, do you know what? I'm going to have to come clean.
23:17Speak your mind, my man.
23:18Yeah, see, I'm not a man.
23:21I'm a woman. My name is Hannah Snell, and I only pretended to be a man so I could join the Royal Navy.
23:27Oh, but James.
23:29Hannah.
23:30Did this happen when you came on land? Is this like a mermaid, then, where you become a man when you go out to sea?
23:35No, I've always been a woman.
23:37Look, I only signed up to the Royal Navy so I could find my husband. He was a Dutch sailor and he abandoned me after we got married.
23:43And did you find him, James?
23:44Hannah?
23:46Yes.
23:47Yeah, he'd been executed.
23:48Oh.
23:49Yes, that's less cute.
23:50Why'd you bring that up?
23:51My bad.
23:52I'll be honest with you, James.
23:54Hannah?
23:55This is a lot to take in.
23:57Seriously? None of you were suspicious about anything?
24:00No.
24:01Well, we've been sailing around together for years.
24:03This has come completely out of the blue for me.
24:05Michael, you used to call me Miss Molly.
24:07Yeah, on account of your smooth ladylike cheeks.
24:09And the fact you never had to shave your beard.
24:11What, and that didn't ring any bells?
24:12Well, we just thought you were Norwegian.
24:14Okay, what about that time I got shot? Instead of using the regiment's surgeon, I insisted on dealing with it myself.
24:21Well, I just thought that was very manual.
24:23Coolest thing I've ever seen.
24:24No, it was because some of the wounds were near me lady bits and I didn't want to get found out.
24:27Whoa!
24:28TMI.
24:29Well, James.
24:30Hannah?
24:31Whatever your name is, we do so hope that you will join us on our next voyage.
24:36Aye.
24:37That's very kind of you, but there's absolutely no way the Royal Navy will let me stay on now.
24:42Probably just head home, write a book, maybe run a pub.
24:46There's no place for ladies.
24:47We're in one right now.
24:49Also, I can handle myself.
24:51Remember, I was literally with you in the middle of the fighting in India.
24:55I got wounded in my legs eleven times.
24:57Good times.
24:58Yes.
24:59Well, Miss Molly, it's been an absolute honour to serve with you.
25:03Yeah.
25:04To Jimmy!
25:05To Jimmy!
25:06Oh, it's Hannah.
25:07Now, who's Molly?
25:08Because if I'm honest with you, I have not been following this at all.
25:15Well, shipmates, our voyage is over and we're coming back safely into port.
25:20Nothing can go wrong.
25:22No.
25:23Ah!
25:24My boat sprung a leak.
25:26I'm sinking.
25:27And I'm so close to home.
25:29Still, it's not the first time a ship went down close to home.
25:33Henry I's white ship went down with his son and heir on board as it was leaving port.
25:39Henry VIII's Mary Rose sank just outside Southampton.
25:43And Swedish King Gustavus Adolfus's super ship, the Vassa, sailed less than a mile before it sank.
25:50Ah!
25:51That can't swim, right?
25:52I guess I'm about to find out.
25:54Ah!
25:55Oh.
25:56My.
25:57Goodness.
25:58Look at that boat.
25:59It sank.
26:00But isn't that boat the white ship?
26:02King Henry's son Willa Medellin is on board that boat.
26:05Oh, yeah.
26:06We sail big boats but they make us cry.
26:09The survivor of the wreck told I.
26:11The white ship went down with the air to the crown.
26:13The ship hit a rock and a leak got sprung.
26:16Cos they took a chance when they sailed home from France.
26:19They set off in the dark.
26:21They thought it was a lark.
26:23The crew were drunk.
26:24My air got sunk.
26:25Didn't make it to shore.
26:26Now there's gonna be war.
26:27Hey nobles!
26:28Yeah!
26:29Nobles!
26:30I used big boats when I'm fighting France.
26:35But with one, took too much of a chance.
26:37The merry rose got binned when she turned in the wind.
26:39The water poured in and she got sunk.
26:41The gun port's right closed.
26:43Sailors got hoes.
26:44Lucky like a no leaf clover.
26:46When the ship tilted over.
26:48She went down four hundred drowned.
26:50But the fed tramader, they achieved nada.
26:52Cos we've got other boats.
26:54Yeah!
26:55Boats!
26:56Yeah!
26:57We like big boats!
26:58Yeah!
26:59Yo, yo!
27:00MC King Gustafus at the office on the decks.
27:02Well, on the deck.
27:04I built big boats to put Sweden on the map.
27:07The first launch and the crowd began to clap.
27:09The water was a butte.
27:10Cos it's a lute.
27:11One gust of wind and she got sunk.
27:13Errors when it was built.
27:15Made the ship over tilt.
27:16Its hatches split asunder.
27:18And the water dragged her under.
27:20Would have helped us rule the seas.
27:22But we sunk by a gentle breeze.
27:24As the world stood and watched.
27:25They saw our plans botched.
27:27Hey you!
27:28Yeah!
27:29Did you see the boat go down?
27:30Yeah!
27:31Fancy pretending it didn't happen?
27:32No.
27:33Hmm.
27:34Worth a try.
27:35We had big boats but they made us cry.
27:38High hopes but things went awry.
27:40The memory makes us wince.
27:42Cos our ships took a rinse.
27:44We're legends ever since.
27:46Cos these ships got sunk.
27:50I am Luhmann.
27:51The living lavatory.
27:52Or as you might say in Germany,
27:54the cape.
27:57I've turned into a muppet.
28:01The mask is no longer a mystery.
28:04Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories.
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