Skip to playerSkip to main content
LogoTube
  • 1 week ago
Taskmaster UK S20E09 (2025)

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Oh, no!
00:06Hello?
00:13Hey!
00:19Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:34Hi! Hello!
00:36Welcome to Taskmaster. I'm Greg Davis and I've got beef.
00:39I've got beef, I've got lamb, I've got pork, and I've got chicken.
00:42Who wants chicken?
00:51Welcome to Taskmaster. Expect the unexpected,
00:54but also expect the following people.
00:56They are...
00:57Anya Magliano!
01:00Maisie Adam!
01:02Phil Ellis!
01:04Rhys Shearsmith!
01:07And Fungie Baskar!
01:12And next to me, a man who, according to fan fiction on the internet,
01:16I am in and out of like a sewing machine.
01:24This is not at all!
01:27APPLAUSE
01:29Hello, everyone.
01:30I have to deal with the correspondence.
01:32Wow!
01:33So many questions this week.
01:35So let's have some frequently asked questions to little Alex Horne.
01:39FAQs!
01:41For the L-A-H!
01:42FAQs to the L-A-H!
01:44Yeah, the FAQs!
01:46For the L-A-H!
01:47OK, so we've got a question here from Jeremy.
01:51I have such genuine contempt for you sometimes.
01:54Yeah, yeah.
01:55OK.
01:56Question here from Jeremy in Egypt, who says...
01:59Did you do anything special for dinner last night, Alex?
02:01And I did, Jeremy.
02:02I had Stephen Fry for dinner, so...
02:06Stir fry.
02:07I had stir fry for dinner.
02:09Next question.
02:10FAQ!
02:12For the L-A-H!
02:14Oh, and Jeremy has asked another question.
02:16He says, did you have the...
02:18Ooh, he already heard my answer.
02:19Did you have the stir fry with anyone?
02:21And I did, I had it with Annika Rice.
02:23With special fried rice!
02:24Right, right.
02:25LAUGHTER
02:30What are you writing?
02:31I've written 20 series, and that was the worst start of...
02:35LAUGHTER
02:36Right, let us begin with the proceedings.
02:38Off we go!
02:39It's prize task time, and the category is...
02:41The most respected item that retains its credibility
02:45when you talk about it in a high-pitched voice.
02:51Respectability and credibility in the face of high frequencies.
02:53Soliloquies.
02:54It's as simple as that, guys.
02:56Five points for the best one, and all five items
02:58will still go home with the episode winner.
03:01Maisie, what is your respected item?
03:04Well, I've bought in...
03:06LAUGHTER
03:08This is the task, no?
03:09OK.
03:10Do you want me to...
03:11Do you want me to go high as well?
03:12Er...
03:13Well, I don't know if it lessens my high voice if you're also high.
03:17Maybe I go deep.
03:20Didn't like the eye contact when you said...
03:24Maybe I go deep.
03:26LAUGHTER
03:29Erm, so I've brought in a wonderful and authentic signed photo
03:33of Aled Jones.
03:35Here it is.
03:36Erm...
03:37He's most well-known for the Walking in the Air song, which is pretty much up here.
03:48Yeah.
03:49Is he credible, Aled?
03:51Credible?
03:52Yeah.
03:53He's a national treasure.
03:55He didn't sing the one in the film, though.
03:57He re-recorded it.
03:58Yeah, well, less about that.
03:59I don't want to tell you.
04:01Oh, my God, someone's lost their credibility.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:05Well, you know from previous episodes what my attitude to this show has been.
04:12It can be summed up...
04:13It can be summed up by, I've got an OBE, why am I here?
04:17LAUGHTER
04:19So, in that vein, let me show you, it's a book.
04:23Look!
04:25It's puppies and kittens.
04:28What?
04:30LAUGHTER
04:31And on the back, just to kind of help it...
04:34Sanchi!
04:36I'm sorry.
04:38Look, look, look at the little one down there.
04:42I feel a lot better now.
04:44I mean, you are off the hook, my friend.
04:47I have never seen a puppy in a park and picked it up and I'm going,
04:50oh, oh, it's so credible.
04:53You've brought some terrible price dust in, but this is a new one.
04:58LAUGHTER
04:59Anya.
05:00Hello.
05:01What have you brought in that I will respect?
05:03I've made a rug.
05:08She genuinely did make a rug.
05:13Model on a specific boots store, is that right?
05:15Piccadilly Circus.
05:19I think it's an incredible shop.
05:21Boots has been around for generations, hasn't it?
05:24Well, I wouldn't know about that.
05:26LAUGHTER
05:27We get it, we get it, you're young.
05:31APPLAUSE
05:33What I will say is that I think in this society that we live in,
05:37it's become quite a godless state.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:42Something has filled the gap of church and I think it's boots.
05:46Against all odds, this is the strongest one so far.
05:50LAUGHTER
05:51Phil.
05:52I've brought in...
05:54LAUGHTER
05:56..my nana's headstone.
05:58LAUGHTER
05:59LAUGHTER
06:01LAUGHTER
06:03APPLAUSE
06:08Yes, he has.
06:09I mean, obviously this is not her real gravestone, but you...
06:12Well, my dad had never got one.
06:14So I thought I'd get one.
06:16What, they just tossed her in a hole?
06:18LAUGHTER
06:20When we lowered it in, I remember my mum went,
06:22that's a bit deeper than normal.
06:24And my auntie went, yeah, I've asked him to go deeper
06:26so I can go in on top of her.
06:28LAUGHTER
06:30So my auntie is buried on top of my nana with the two chihuahuas.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:37Oh, my God, this is all true, isn't it?
06:38It's true!
06:40Oh.
06:41And we're fine with there being a picture of Winston Churchill on the...
06:44LAUGHTER
06:46Do you know, I'd never seen the resemblance until you mentioned it, yeah?
06:49LAUGHTER
06:53Incredible.
06:55Um, Rhys.
06:56Yes, well, I began, not doing the voice for now,
06:59but I began thinking what was a respectable item.
07:02So I proceeded to create a one-off, limited edition,
07:07commemorative plate for the coronation of the King Charles
07:11and the Queen Consort, Camilla.
07:14Beautiful.
07:18And then I thought, well, who better to voice in a high-pitched manner this?
07:23So I asked Joe Pasquale.
07:24LAUGHTER
07:26Who better?
07:27Yeah.
07:29This decorative 12-inch commemorative plate
07:31features two detailed portraits of King Charles III
07:34and Queen Camilla wearing their magnificent crowns,
07:37perfect for serving of sandwiches on a big pile of rich teas.
07:41Mm.
07:43APPLAUSE
07:44And this is almost impossible to score.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:52OK.
07:53One point to Sanjeev.
07:54One point to Sanjeev, OK.
07:55I'm going to give two points to Maisie.
07:57OK.
07:58I'm going to give Anya and Rhys four points.
08:01Four to Anya, four to Rhys.
08:02And I'm using this task to give Hetty the respect she was not afforded
08:06by whoever tossed her in a hole in the ground.
08:09And these five points are for Hetty.
08:11There we go. Well done for Lewis.
08:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:13Right, let's get Tuscan.
08:18Here we go.
08:19And lucky us, it's time to get trollied.
08:21Mmm.
08:34Maisie!
08:35How are you?
08:36Really good.
08:38Ah, hello.
08:41OK.
08:43Trolley?
08:44Yeah, it's a nice trolley.
08:47Right.
08:49Ahem.
08:51Build a tower of bricks on this trolley,
08:54then push it down the slope.
08:57You may not touch the trolley after it passes the start line.
09:00Is that the start line up there?
09:01Yeah, that's the start line, yeah.
09:02OK.
09:03The tallest tower that passes the finish line wins.
09:06As well as bricks, all the contents of one of these bins
09:10must be part of your tower, but nothing else.
09:14You may only look inside the bins once,
09:16and only for as long as you can scream.
09:19You must replace each lid before looking in the next bin.
09:22You have a total of ten minutes and three attempts
09:24during which you must also scream.
09:28Your times start when Alex screams.
09:34OK.
09:41So...
09:42Ah!
09:43Oh, my God!
09:44Ah!
09:45Ah!
09:46Ah!
09:47Ah!
09:48Build a tower of bricks on this trolley.
09:49Where are all the other bricks?
09:50Ah!
09:51Ah!
09:52Ah!
10:00Well, there was a lot for me to be distracted by in that set-up.
10:03Um, Alex's screaming in particular, er, was disturbing.
10:07Never done it before.
10:08Yeah.
10:09Love to scream.
10:10Give it a go.
10:11Ah!
10:12Ah!
10:13All right.
10:14I'm ready.
10:15Here we go.
10:16Right.
10:17First to attack the stack are Anya and let's have Phil.
10:21Hmm.
10:22Let's start screaming.
10:23Screaming for the whole time.
10:25For the whole time.
10:26Ah!
10:27Ah!
10:28Ah!
10:29Ah!
10:30Ah!
10:31Ah!
10:32Ah!
10:33Ah!
10:34Ah!
10:35Ah!
10:36Ah!
10:37Ah!
10:38Ah!
10:39Ah!
10:40Ah!
10:41Ah!
10:42Ah!
10:43Ah!
10:44Ah!
10:45Ah!
10:46Ah!
10:47Ah!
10:48No!
10:49I didn't actually see what that was.
10:51And I think I did a little wee from screaming so hard.
10:55Oh!
10:56Ah!
10:57Ah!
10:58Ah!
10:59Ah!
11:00Ah!
11:01Lovely stuff.
11:02I've forgotten what was in the bins.
11:03Yeah.
11:04Kettle?
11:05That said cement.
11:06There's no point with cement, because I don't really have time to mix it.
11:11I'm going to go with cement.
11:13OK.
11:14Oh!
11:15Oh, my God, it's actually like I get to make it.
11:17OK, well, should I build it up there then, maybe?
11:19If you want.
11:20Do you want me to bring any bricks or not?
11:21Yes, please.
11:22How many?
11:23All of them.
11:24Well...
11:25I'm going to go for the top cap bit.
11:28Oh, this is bullshit!
11:30HE LAUGHS
11:31Ah!
11:32OK, now we're talking!
11:35Oh!
11:36Oh!
11:37HE LAUGHS
11:39Er...
11:40This isn't cement.
11:42That's flour, by the way.
11:45Yeah, don't taste everything.
11:47So these are really useful, cos look.
11:57Oh, I've got two more bricks.
11:59Yeah.
12:00You don't have to use all the bricks.
12:01Have I made a terrible error?
12:02Well, you've got to get it down that slope in the next three minutes.
12:04Oh, I've got to get it up the slope as well?
12:05And down the slope.
12:06I've got to get it up!
12:07Two and a half minutes.
12:08How do you turn it?
12:09How do you turn it, Charlie?
12:10This is worse than the ones I steal from Lidl.
12:14Like that.
12:15Right.
12:16Bit of class.
12:17You've only got time for one go.
12:18You've got ten seconds.
12:19OK.
12:20Oh, we've got to do it during this time.
12:21Absolutely.
12:22Oh, I thought I was just waiting.
12:23Right...
12:24AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
12:25AHHHHHHHHH!
12:26AHHHHH!
12:27AHHHHH!
12:28AHHHHH!
12:29AHHHHH!
12:30AHHHHH!
12:31AHHHHH!
12:32AHHHHH!
12:33AHHHHH!
12:34AHHHHH!
12:35AHHHHH!
12:36AHHHHH!
12:37AHHHHH!
12:38AHHHHH!
12:39AHHHHH!
12:40AHHHHH!
12:41AHHHHH!
12:42AHHHHH!
12:43AHHHHH!
12:44AHHHHH!
12:45AHHHHH!
12:46AHHHHH!
12:47AHHHHH!
12:48AHHHHH!
12:49AHHHHH!
12:50AHHHHH!
12:51AHHHHH!
12:52AHHHHH!
12:53I nearly killed the whole crew!
12:55It went so much worse than I thought it was going to go.
12:58It wasn't a very sturdy structure.
13:00It's only because it went off piece.
13:03OK.
13:04Thanks, Anya.
13:12I mean, we've said it many times, crew are dispensable, right?
13:18But you both genuinely almost hurt them.
13:21Watching it back, it looks like a targeted attack.
13:25Phil screamed full-throated like a mighty bear, I thought.
13:28Oh, thank you.
13:29You?
13:30You sound exactly like a 1970s camping kettle.
13:33LAUGHTER
13:36It really took me back to childhood holiday.
13:39BUZZER
13:41BUZZER
13:43Phil's did just about cross the line.
13:46Anya's didn't cross the line at all.
13:47And don't I get points for mine looking quite flamboyant
13:50and exciting as it went down?
13:51Absolutely not.
13:52LAUGHTER
13:53OK, break time!
13:55And statistically, we will spend nearly four years of our lives
13:58watching adverts.
14:00Also, kangaroos have three vaginas.
14:03Interesting facts!
14:05LAUGHTER
14:06APPLAUSE
14:13Hello!
14:14Welcome back to Taskmaster,
14:16where the current task involves stacking bricks on a trolley
14:19and shoving it down a hill.
14:20Yes, it's absolutely safe, and almost no crew were in danger.
14:24Tallest tower past the finish line wins.
14:27Finally, then, it's the three-card trick of Maisie, Rhys and Sanjeev.
14:31Ready?
14:33SIREN
14:35SIREN
14:38SIREN
14:40SCREAMS
14:42No, no, screen's finished.
14:43SIREN
14:46SIREN
14:48SIREN
14:49SIREN
14:54SIREN
14:56SIREN
14:57SIREN
14:58Right, you didn't have to scream while you...
15:02Oh, I didn't have to keep screaming while I was using it.
15:04Only while looking in it.
15:05Oh!
15:06Right. Oh.
15:08Shout out if you want any builder's gloves.
15:10Might be good to have builder's gloves.
15:12I've got some here for you.
15:13All right, well, go on, then.
15:15This is the first time I've ever done manual labour.
15:18Ah, you can't tell.
15:23Oh, bollocks, for God's sake.
15:26Oh, the...
15:29Ah, well, you're welcome to, I suppose, but it is a camera.
15:32It's in there.
15:34At this point, I'm going to choose this.
15:36Ah!
15:37And I'm going to put that down there,
15:40with the apple inside.
15:46Don't hurt your back.
15:47OK.
15:49Ready? Here we go.
15:51OHHHHH!
16:03Didn't work.
16:06What's that?
16:07Oh, I am laughing.
16:09I am laughing.
16:11Ooh.
16:11Ooh!
16:14Erm, right, help me push it.
16:16Please? Please.
16:18Steady, steady.
16:20OK.
16:23Right. So that tells us something.
16:29OK. Are we going up the hill?
16:31We're gonna go up the hill. OK, here we go.
16:33Oh, best of luck, Sanjeev.
16:35Er...
16:37Er...
16:45Er...
16:54Very happy with that.
16:56Er...
17:03Uh-oh.
17:07Er...
17:08Nine bricks.
17:09Anybody want a...
17:11a wall doing?
17:12Ah!
17:14Ah!
17:16Ah!
17:18Ah!
17:20Ah!
17:34Ah!
17:36You've got 30 seconds left.
17:4030 seconds left.
17:41No, I like this.
17:42Yeah.
17:43Honestly.
17:44Fantastic.
17:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:47Wow, good.
17:51I mean, that is a full-throated scream.
17:53Yeah.
17:54The drama of the final image.
17:56I mean, it might be your proudest moment.
17:58It's a shame I have to disqualify you,
18:00because so much of the flower fell off.
18:02I'm only joking.
18:03Oh!
18:04LAUGHTER
18:07You didn't keep that going for long, Greg.
18:09Oh, I know.
18:10She was so upset.
18:11I thought she was going to pounce on me.
18:12I was going to cry.
18:13Very impressive from Sanjeev, yet again,
18:16showing why he landed a role on Paddington 2.
18:19Yeah.
18:20He's just...
18:21He's so resourceful.
18:23But what he did very cleverly was incorporate the camera
18:25that wasn't meant to necessarily be part of it.
18:27Not to the height.
18:28And that gave him the height.
18:29Well done, Sanjeev.
18:30Well, thank you very much.
18:31Rhys, did you enjoy yourself?
18:32No.
18:33That's funny, because I have, you know,
18:35throughout this whole series have pointed out
18:37that you're very close to committing an atrocity,
18:39because you're so angry.
18:40But I thought you'd built that beautiful, ornate brick thing,
18:43and it collapsed.
18:44Like a chimney, wouldn't it?
18:45Yeah.
18:46And all you said was,
18:47That tells us something.
18:48That tells us something.
18:49But no, I did enjoy it,
18:50and it was nice to get me hands dirty.
18:54Why don't you give us some statistics?
18:56Yes.
18:57Well, we know that Anya failed,
18:58so I guess zero points for...
18:59Oh, God, zero.
19:00Anya?
19:01OK.
19:02And you'll thank me for them.
19:03Oh, you never won?
19:04No.
19:05You didn't cross the line.
19:09It's just interesting, isn't it,
19:10because you come into this show and you believe in justice
19:13and stuff like that,
19:15and then you realise, actually, it's a dictatorship.
19:18Right, I've never said it isn't a dictatorship.
19:20Yeah, that's fine.
19:21I'll take my one point, thank you.
19:22No, zero points.
19:23OK.
19:24Rhys's and Maisie's very similar.
19:27Maisie's, yours was 82 centimetres tall.
19:29Rhys, yours was 77 centimetres tall.
19:31Oh.
19:32That's a shame.
19:33So, despite your building weight,
19:34you were at second last, Rhys.
19:35Often the way.
19:37Three points for you, Maisie, 82 centimetres.
19:39But Sanjeev was 105 centimetres.
19:42Phil, yours was 1 metre 36,
19:44which means that Phil gets five points.
19:46Yay!
19:49Let's see a scoreboard, please.
19:50Yes, well, first of all, I'll tell you the series scores
19:52with one and a half episodes to go.
19:54Sanjeev, you're in last on 117, but it's tight.
19:57Rhys, 1-2-1.
19:58Maisie, 1-2-3.
19:59Phil, 1-2-8.
20:00Anya, 1-2-9.
20:01Anyone can win it.
20:02Oh!
20:03Anyone can win it.
20:04Anyone can win it.
20:06And this episode, he's got maximum points so far.
20:09In the lead with ten points, it's Phil Ellis.
20:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:15Very well. What's next, please, with Alex?
20:17Well, jockstrap yourself in, Greg,
20:19because we're off to the changing rooms.
20:21MUSIC PLAYS
20:40What's all this?
20:41This is my jockey changing room.
20:43You'd be disqualified straight away, I wouldn't you?
20:45You're far too tall.
20:46LAUGHTER
20:47Here we are.
20:48You'd...
20:49make a lovely couple.
20:51Would you like him to pass it?
20:52Is it him?
20:53I'm not sure.
20:54Mmm.
20:55LAUGHTER
20:56Make your jockey weigh almost exactly the same as Alex.
20:59If your jockey weighs more than Alex, you are disqualified.
21:03You may only get two readings from the scales.
21:07There is a bonus point for the sexiest jockey.
21:10You have ten minutes.
21:12Your time starts now.
21:14This is your jockey.
21:15Right.
21:16Those are your scales.
21:17Good luck.
21:18It's got to be sexy.
21:19Doesn't have to be sexy, but if you want the bonus point.
21:21It's got to be really sexy.
21:23There are your scales.
21:24Good luck.
21:26I'm not allowed to stand with them, because that counts as one,
21:27doesn't it?
21:28Because I've checked some scales and they're definitely wrong,
21:29because there's no way I'm over 14 stone.
21:31OK!
21:32APPLAUSE
21:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:36So, Anya's jockey is going to be super sexy and Phil's fatter than he looks.
21:41LAUGHTER
21:42Shall we have a look at them, then?
21:44Well, who are we going to see first?
21:45It's a great equestrian.
21:46It's...
21:47Oh!
21:48Oh, Jesus Christ.
21:49Anya, Phil and Rhys.
21:51What are these?
21:53Are these jockey things?
21:55Is this lead?
21:56Don't eat it.
21:57Oh, come on.
21:58Eat lead, kids.
21:59Look, you'll have hair like mine.
22:01LAUGHTER
22:04I like to start my characters with what the hair's like.
22:08Yeah.
22:09What hair?
22:10What are you doing up my mountain?
22:11First things first.
22:13A fatter!
22:14I can do sausage!
22:15I think she's Austrian.
22:16I'm going Eastern European with this.
22:19Lovely.
22:21Pretty sexy.
22:24That's not hair, that's the eyelashes.
22:26Do you know what?
22:29Scale, please.
22:30OK.
22:31Do you mind if I feel how heavy you are?
22:33Well, you can try.
22:34Front's probably better, isn't it?
22:36I don't mind.
22:37One, two, three.
22:40Oh, Christ.
22:41Go dead weight.
22:44OK, I'm happy with that.
22:46I'm going to say you're just over 14.
22:49I'd say 14.4.
22:50OK.
22:51Oof.
22:52What do you mean?
22:5314 stone.
22:54Maybe 15 in a way, 0.9.
22:56I think that's 0.09.
22:57Oh.
22:58Well, that's not 14 stone.
23:00Got to be a lot more on this.
23:01In you go, darling.
23:03Sexy, sexy.
23:04Sexy space lady.
23:06May I hide the display?
23:08You don't want to get the reading yet?
23:09No.
23:10I can't see through the mouth.
23:12Promise?
23:13Yeah.
23:14Yeah, that's crowded.
23:15Going on.
23:16See that?
23:17I can see everything.
23:18Oh, fuck.
23:19What does it say?
23:20Two stone.
23:21Three stone.
23:22You've got three and a half minutes.
23:23That can't be three stone.
23:24Second reading.
23:25Yep.
23:26Four stone.
23:27You've got about a minute and a half.
23:28Well, I'm going to give up on accuracy.
23:29Now, will you?
23:30Oh.
23:31Beautiful lady with a long arm.
23:32Every man's dream.
23:33Stop.
23:34Stop.
23:35Stop.
23:36Stop.
23:37Stop.
23:38Stop.
23:39Can you help me?
23:40Put as much weight into his shorts as possible.
23:41Come on.
23:42Fuck it.
23:43Now, that can't be the real weight.
23:44That can't be the real weight.
23:45Yeah.
23:46You've got about a minute and a half.
23:47You've got about a minute and a half.
23:48Well, I'm going to give up on accuracy.
23:49No, will you?
23:50Oh, beautiful lady with a long arm.
23:52Every man's dream.
23:53Stop.
23:54Stop.
23:55Stop.
23:56Can you help me?
23:59Put as much weight into his shorts as possible.
24:04Oh, fuck it.
24:05Now, that can't be the real weight.
24:07Let's get some out.
24:09Three seconds.
24:10How long?
24:12Please leave her or him alone.
24:14OK.
24:15And then she can have some of my lipstick.
24:18Well, I think you should go and wash your hands.
24:22Yep.
24:23Don't lick them.
24:24No.
24:25Look after yourself, kids.
24:28It's tough out there in the big city.
24:30Good girl.
24:31Good.
24:32Does a man become more or less sexy when his trousers are down and his pants are full of 11 stone of lead?
24:48Well, that was a miscalculation.
24:51I thought the pants would keep everything in place but they came down.
24:55It looked like someone that would just capture themselves.
24:58Yours both were almost identical for a lot of it.
25:01Yeah.
25:02We've got a type.
25:03Yeah.
25:04It's a sexy Scandinavian sausage girl.
25:06Yeah.
25:07Yeah.
25:08I think it's because we thought...
25:09We must be thinking, like, what's Greg going to find sexy?
25:11Yeah.
25:12And so it's with you in mind.
25:14Yeah, and it is.
25:15Yeah.
25:16It is a girl with pigtails and sausages.
25:17I know.
25:18You always form a weird relationship with the inanimate objects, mate.
25:23Yeah.
25:24I did get quite attached to the character.
25:26She was leaving the mountain that she grew up on to join NASA.
25:32She was off to...
25:33Yeah.
25:34When you put the silver trousers on, you said, now you are future sexy.
25:40Time for a break.
25:41I'm not sure who said this but I think it's something that's relevant to this show.
25:45From such crooked wood as that which man is made of,
25:49nothing straight can be fashioned.
25:52Kempt Tossa!
26:04Welcome back to the start of part three.
26:06It's Taskmaster and we're having some sexy time.
26:10Mmm, yes.
26:11Yes, that's right.
26:12Things are pretty flippin' hot as they're trying to make a jockey.
26:14Weigh the same as me, with a bonus point for the sexiest jockey.
26:19Finally then, it's Sanjeev and Maisie.
26:23Right, so sexy.
26:25You want sexy?
26:26Just one point for sexy.
26:27Yep.
26:28The main thing is...
26:29The primary concern is the weight, isn't it?
26:31OK.
26:32Right, well, first of all, that's sexy, isn't it?
26:35That's hard work, though.
26:36Feva Boa, they're always sexy.
26:38I think you should go on there first.
26:40I'm going on, Sanjeev.
26:41OK.
26:42I'm on.
26:4313 stone.
26:4713.
26:48OK.
26:49Alex, could you come stand on him?
26:51What do you mean?
26:52Just stop him from wibbling over.
26:53Can I stop him from wibbling over?
26:54Can I stop him from wibbling?
27:05It's quite buckle-heavy so far.
27:07Oh, sexy police officer.
27:18OK.
27:21Knee pads.
27:22Sexy, cos they suggest you're going to be on your knees.
27:26So, at the moment, the jockey is...
27:30Three stone, nine pounds.
27:33Now, I don't want to be disqualified on a technicality,
27:36but what if I just stood with the mannequin?
27:41Does that count?
27:42I think I'm about 12 and a bit.
27:45I think I'll be over, then, cos if I'm 12, 13, 14,
27:48then that'll be about 15, which will be too much.
27:51Let's see if I...
27:53Let's see if that is...
27:59So, you're basically taking a bit of a risk here.
28:00I am taking a bit of a risk.
28:03I think Greg's always wanted to be blonde.
28:06Don't you?
28:10Does that look like me?
28:17Are you saying you've become one with the jockey?
28:19I have.
28:21We are one.
28:22You're one, are you?
28:23Yes.
28:24Fantastic.
28:25That is your time up.
28:26Great.
28:28I'm pretty turned on.
28:29I don't know about anyone else.
28:35Well, let's talk this through, Sanjeev.
28:38How are we going to get away with me allowing this?
28:40You just got on the scales with the mannequin.
28:43I asked.
28:44I said, would this be breaking the rules?
28:46I said, you're taking a big risk, Sanjeev.
28:49Yes.
28:50Which is not a no.
28:52I think if you had got on the jockey, it would count.
28:54I was on his foot.
28:56If someone gets on my foot, they're on me.
28:59But if you're...
29:01I admired the lateral thinking,
29:03and if you'd have somehow hoisted yourself up that jockey...
29:06It would have been ironic as well that you were riding a jockey.
29:10See how they bloody like it.
29:12Am I right?
29:14I like it.
29:15It was very close to being allowed.
29:17It was good lateral thinking.
29:19Amazing.
29:21Well, we know how this went.
29:23There's a lot to unpack here.
29:25Just show the clip.
29:26Yeah, she definitely established it's all about the weight.
29:29The sexy thing is just a little bonus.
29:30Here we go.
29:32Just one point for sexy.
29:33Yep.
29:34The main thing is...
29:35The primary concern is the weight, isn't it?
29:38OK.
29:39Oh, that's sexy, isn't it?
29:45And from then on, it was just sex.
29:48Yep.
29:49Story of my life, that is.
29:52I thought identifying my possible vanity was a masterstroke.
29:56Making him sexy by making him look like me.
30:00Unfortunately for you, I have to look at myself naked in the mirror every morning.
30:04And it is fucking rough.
30:06LAUGHTER
30:08But you're not naked in this.
30:09You're in a sexy police officer outfit.
30:12Maybe that would change things.
30:13Yeah.
30:15Well, shall we look at the weights first and then you can decide on...
30:18Yeah, yeah, let's have a look.
30:23Two stone, £5.
30:26Five stone, £12.
30:29Seven stone, £6.
30:31Six stone, £6.
30:3616 stone, £5.
30:40Let's see, so I'm not going to say this out loud.
30:42OK.
30:45Yeah, so that's the readings.
30:47Only Sanjeev came close.
30:49Reece, I'm so sorry, you went over the top.
30:51You get zero points.
30:52That's a shame.
30:53I really thought I was under.
30:54Is he still in the running for the sexiest?
30:56Of course he is, yeah.
30:57Ah, OK.
30:58Sanjeev, any points?
31:00Ah, yeah, I can't not give him any points.
31:03So, he can come last.
31:06So we're saying Phil gets the full five points.
31:09Yes.
31:10Four for Anya, three for Maisie, one for Sanjeev?
31:12Yes, I think that's fair.
31:13One for Sanjeev and zero for Reece.
31:15Oh, sorry, Reece.
31:17APPLAUSE
31:19And now it's simply who's the sexiest jockey.
31:23So here are all five for you, Greg.
31:25Take your pick.
31:26Wow!
31:27Oh, look at Sanjeev, sexy Maisie.
31:30LAUGHTER
31:33I gave you a muff.
31:34That's good.
31:37The two sausage Scandinavians cancel each other out.
31:40Right.
31:41Well, between Reece and Maisie and they've both got sexy vibes.
31:45I mean, Reece's, without wishing to be crude,
31:47looks like he'd throw you round the room.
31:50LAUGHTER
31:52I think I'm going to give one point each.
31:54I'm going to add an extra bonus point.
31:56There's an extra sexy point.
31:58I can't deny either of them, my love.
32:00LAUGHTER
32:01Bonus points each to Reece and Maisie.
32:03APPLAUSE
32:07Very good. What have we got now, Alex?
32:09Well, it's a proud moment, Greg, as we reveal the task-o-matic.
32:12TASC-O-MATIC.
32:15TASC-O-MATIC.
32:29TASC-O-MATIC.
32:31TASC-O-MATIC.
32:32Ooh!
32:34So, task-o-matic.
32:36I like this.
32:37I like sort of little machines and things.
32:39I've got lots of them at home.
32:40Have you?
32:41Yeah.
32:42Like a whisk and stuff.
32:44Shall I open and then spin, or spin and open?
32:47You don't need to open.
32:48I don't... really?
32:50What's it going to do?
32:51Wow, look at this.
33:02Oh!
33:05Oh, wow.
33:06This is so good.
33:08Can I have this?
33:12This is so strange.
33:21I can read it now.
33:28Make the most fantastic 15-second film.
33:32Featuring your face in full frame.
33:34Featuring your face in full frame.
33:36You have 15 minutes to film your fantastic 15-second full-frame face film.
33:42Those 15 minutes start now.
33:45Disappointing lack of alliteration in the last sentence, I felt, but...
33:49But anyway.
33:50Any other need for this?
33:51No.
33:55See you.
33:57Please be very careful.
33:59As in, like, it's got to be a close-up of my face?
34:02Oh!
34:03And it's got to be fantastic, haven't you?
34:04I've got an idea.
34:06I think I'm going to do...
34:07I already know what I'm doing.
34:09I'll need Papamache.
34:10Will you get any?
34:11Yep.
34:12It could be a silent film.
34:14Could be a silent film.
34:15But I can't make myself black and white.
34:18Can I?
34:19I could...
34:20But I could paint my face.
34:21Which colour?
34:22Oh.
34:23Wow.
34:24Very white.
34:25Very white.
34:26Wow.
34:31I won't dwell on it too long, maybe.
34:35But I would say I'm quite a Luddite, but even I know how to make pictures on my phone black and white.
34:41I don't think you necessarily need to contemplate a hate crime.
34:44That's it.
34:45That's it.
34:46LAUGHTER
34:48All right, let's go.
34:49So we do begin with a man of many fantastic faces, Mr Rees Shearsmith.
34:54I can see why you're such a competent Papamache man.
34:55I went back to the dawn of cinema, Voyage to the Moon. Yeah.
34:57George Melet.
34:58George Melet.
34:59What was the stuff that came out of your eye?
35:00It was icing sugar.
35:01Lovely.
35:02Yeah.
35:03Can't fault it?
35:04No.
35:05It was a fantastic film.
35:06It didn't bolt his face.
35:07It was a fantastic film.
35:08It didn't bolt his face.
35:09I thought it was a great film.
35:10I thought it was a great film.
35:11That was something I did.
35:12A great film.
35:13It was a great film.
35:14And that's it, I think it was a great film.
35:15It was a great film.
35:16I think it was a great film.
35:17Yeah.
35:18It was a great film.
35:19Oh, I didn't see why you're such a competent Papamache man.
35:20I went back to the dawn of cinema, Voyage to the Moon.
35:23Yeah.
35:24George Melet.
35:25What was the stuff that came out of your eye?
35:27It was icing sugar.
35:28Lovely.
35:29Yeah.
35:30Can't fault it. No. It was a fantastic film and he didn't bolt his face.
35:34Next. Sanjeev. OK.
35:37Yes, it's time for Sanjeev's charismatic countenance. Get ready.
35:40BOOM
35:42BOOM
35:44BOOM
35:46BOOM
35:48BOOM
35:50BOOM
35:52BOOM
35:54BOOM
35:56BOOM
35:58BOOM
36:05I'm not particularly in touch on my spiritual side, but I imagine there was a strong message in there.
36:11There was, yes. And what was that message?
36:14It's be nice.
36:17Oh, and the floating banana? Yes.
36:23Represented? Exactly.
36:25What was the stuff that was falling down before you caught the apple in your mouth?
36:30It wasn't falling down, was it? It was orange juice falling up.
36:32It was falling up. Oh, God. So deep.
36:36I mean, the second fantastic one. Someone's going to let us down. Who will it be?
36:42It's time for Maisie's.
36:44Now, that first one.
36:47BOOM
36:49A long time ago, in a taskmaster house a really long way away, a leather-jacketed lady was held under the tyrannous rule of a prick with a clipboard who lived in fear of his master.
36:57One day, enough was enough, and she locked the prick in the caravan where he spontaneously combusted. The master moved to Spain. The end.
37:04APPLAUSE
37:10I think that's quite good.
37:12I mean, honestly, I've never been so disappointed so far. I just think they're all good.
37:16Oh, good. And I've gelled my hair back and it stuck like that for three days.
37:20I mean, it just looked great. I like the story.
37:24I mean, this is an awful thing to say, but I hope one of the last two is shit.
37:29OK, we must stop once more. A chance for Alex to pop to the bathroom and time his movement.
37:36APPLAUSE
37:46Hello, and welcome back to the final part of the show, where we're watching some fantastic 15-second films involving faces in full frame.
37:55Two to go. First up, have a look at Anya's vivacious visage.
38:03Greg.
38:04Your task is to die. Your time starts now.
38:12Trigger.
38:14Good boy.
38:16Let's go.
38:19He works for me now.
38:29What a narrative. I've replaced Alex with a horse.
38:31Yeah, so he was trying to kill you.
38:34He was trying to rebel, but the horse actually worked for you.
38:37And then the horse replaces him for the rest of the series as the task, whatever his role is.
38:41Yeah.
38:44Honestly, this is like, for me, it's awful. They're just all good.
38:49Who's left?
38:50There's only one left.
38:51Really good.
38:52It is Phil Ellis left.
38:53Oh, God. I mean, Phil...
38:55Phil's bound to have fucked this up.
38:58Fingers crossed. Finally, it's Phil's fantastically flexible face.
39:01LAUGHTER
39:02LAUGHTER
39:07LAUGHTER
39:08Fingers crossed.
39:09Fingers crossed.
39:10Fingers crossed.
39:11Fingers crossed.
39:13above him.
39:15We'll be slash asleep.
39:19fonctionne.
39:22Fingers crossed.
39:24Interesting.
39:30Phil has not done one thing on this show.
39:33nine episodes that hasn't ended with a cheesy wink to say.
39:38You know, well done, Phil. I thought you would let us down,
39:41but it's great. But what's the narrative? I'm fascinated.
39:44Is there a narrative?
39:46Yeah, of course there is. It's, erm...
39:49It's about parenthood and...
39:52Having to let your children...
39:54At some point, you could just let them go, haven't you?
39:57Out of your mouth. Yeah.
39:59I mean, I'm not a father, but...
40:02Thank God.
40:04Look, I hate doing this, I'll be honest with you,
40:06because I like to victimise someone,
40:08but I could say something positive about all of them,
40:11so I'm going to give everyone five points.
40:13APPLAUSE
40:19OK, everyone, will you make your way to the stage
40:21for the final classic of the show!
40:23APPLAUSE
40:31My dear man...
40:33You're my guy.
40:34Who will read the task for us?
40:36Phil!
40:37Allow me.
40:39Become the person the taskmaster shouts.
40:43You will have one minute to draw yourself
40:45a new bottom of your face and body.
40:48Also, you must bob up and down throughout your attempt.
40:51Worst new person each round is eliminated.
40:55Yeah.
40:56So, you've each got a card,
40:58and you've got a little space for your nose.
41:00You need to draw the bottom of your face,
41:02and then give yourself a body beneath your face.
41:05Ready?
41:06Here we go.
41:07Henry VIII on a horse!
41:09Go!
41:10OK.
41:11We're looking for Henry VIII on...
41:12Please, bob.
41:13Please, bob.
41:16Keep bobbing, Sanji.
41:18Phil is on a child's trampoline.
41:22It's a lovely rhythm at the end, isn't there?
41:23Lovely rhythm.
41:26Pens down! Pens down, Maisie.
41:28Pens down.
41:30Oh, rhythm is a dancer.
41:33I hereby instruct you to become Henry VIII on a horse.
41:44They're all good.
41:47But which one's the worst, Greg?
41:48Well, I'm afraid...
41:49Er...
41:53I'm afraid it's Phil.
41:54That man is not sitting on a horse.
41:58I mean, if I'm honest,
41:59it looks like Henry VIII has shot himself.
42:03We have lost Phil Ellis.
42:04Phil, you're out.
42:05I'm sorry, Phil.
42:07OK.
42:08Round one done.
42:09There are four left.
42:10Here we go.
42:11A supermodel skiing!
42:13Go!
42:14A supermodel skiing.
42:15Please, bob.
42:16Bobbing at the end, please.
42:19Maisie, bobbing.
42:21Maisie, bobbing.
42:22Stop!
42:23OK.
42:24A supermodel.
42:25Oh!
42:26Wow!
42:27APPLAUSE
42:28They're pretty good.
42:29Yeah.
42:30Thanks!
42:31Can I have that after?
42:32Maisie's will be censored for the children's edition of the show.
42:35Why?
42:36Because I can see her tits.
42:37First time he's ever said tits.
42:38It's between Maisie and, um...
42:39How sexist.
42:40Sanjeev.
42:41Racist.
42:42LAUGHTER
42:43She's got big boobs but I'm sort of a bit worried about her legs.
42:44Her legs are attached to her breasts.
42:45So, I can see her tits.
42:46So, I can see her tits.
42:47of the show. Why? Because I can see her tits.
42:52First time he's ever said tits.
42:55It's between Maisie and...
42:58How sexist. Sanjeev.
43:01Racist.
43:05She's got big boobs, but I'm sort of a bit worried about her legs.
43:09Her legs are attached to her breasts.
43:13And that's why she gets the word.
43:17I'm really worried anatomically about Maisie's,
43:20so I will kick Maisie's big boobs.
43:23We've lost Maisie Adam. There we go.
43:25Thank you, Maisie.
43:29Elvis on an escalator!
43:31Go!
43:32Ooh!
43:34Bobbing!
43:38Got focused bobbing now, isn't it?
43:40It is.
43:41Ironically, in this bit, we've had a little less conversation.
43:47APPLAUSE
43:50How much of time off?
43:51How much of time off?
43:52How much of time off?
43:53OK, let's see Elvis on an escalator.
43:55Here they go.
43:56We have our first landscape over here.
43:58APPLAUSE
43:59I mean, the best Elvis is Sanjeev, I would say.
44:04He's got the handsome, lopsided smile on Reece's.
44:08And...
44:09And I think I sum up what everyone's thinking.
44:12Anya has not drawn Elvis.
44:15LAUGHTER
44:16I'm young.
44:17LAUGHTER
44:18I had to put in what I know, which is about escalators.
44:21LAUGHTER
44:23So I went for Baker Street.
44:24Sit down, Anya.
44:26APPLAUSE
44:27Anya!
44:28All righty.
44:30It's the final, it's the big one.
44:31Here we go, you ready?
44:32A mermaid making a mistake!
44:36Ooh!
44:37Bit of licence here for the bobbers.
44:40Good face from Reece.
44:45Greg, can you imagine Sanjeev drawing and not bobbing?
44:49LAUGHTER
44:51I just think Sanjeev's bob has become more graceful as it's gone on.
44:56Pen's down, please. Pen's down.
44:59APPLAUSE
45:01This is it, Greg.
45:02What mistakes will our mermaids have made?
45:05Hopefully they're legal.
45:07LAUGHTER
45:08Let's see.
45:09Oh, my God!
45:11LAUGHTER
45:14Sorry, my tits were too much.
45:17It's a mermaid, it's different.
45:20Your mermaid's fingering a fish.
45:23Fish fingering?
45:25LAUGHTER
45:31It was meant to be that she's eating a fish on a fork.
45:35Oh!
45:36Which would be terrible, wouldn't it, for a mermaid?
45:37Oh, that's a fork.
45:38You wouldn't eat your friends, would you?
45:39No.
45:41So, it's a mistake.
45:42Sanjeev's mermaid, who appears to have a father Christmas beard.
45:47LAUGHTER
45:49Has missed the bus?
45:50It's trying to catch a bus.
45:53What's the mistake, Sanjeev?
45:54Why is that mistake?
45:55It might be the bus to the sea.
45:57LAUGHTER
45:58What...
45:59What is wrong with you?
46:01LAUGHTER
46:02Mermaid wouldn't be on land catching a bus.
46:05LAUGHTER
46:07The man makes a good point.
46:09Yeah.
46:10I mean, I do think probably the superior mermaid picture
46:13is the cannibal mermaid.
46:14There we go.
46:15Five points to Rhys Shearsmith!
46:16APPLAUSE
46:17Well done, Rhys.
46:19Please, come down.
46:20We'll add that to the final score.
46:21APPLAUSE
46:22What a lovely, creative group of people we've got.
46:32So, the winner of the task, with some fantastic arc, Rhys Shearsmith.
46:36Five points, really good.
46:38They all do well.
46:39They all do well.
46:41It's been a very close episode until you get to the top of the table
46:44where you've got Phil on 21 points.
46:46He's won the show!
46:47CHEERING
46:48APPLAUSE
46:49Through Alice Williams, please don't inspect your respective prizes!
46:53CHEERING
46:54CHEERING
46:55AND APPLAUSE
46:56MUSIC
46:57MUSIC
47:18MUSIC
47:25MUSIC
Be the first to comment
Add your comment