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BRITCOM I
  • 2 days ago

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00:01Fucking stare to that. Honestly.
00:03You said I'm in a perfectly good passport, I thought,
00:05so there's an empty bat looking halfway between Pablo Escobar and a local paedophile.
00:08I think you look cute. I'll tell you what. I was ten years younger.
00:11Sorry, no offence, Elizabeth, but we, A,
00:14we have done good authority that you do, in fact, have a cursed vagina.
00:18Bewitched.
00:19It's wise.
00:20And B, I think it's entirely inappropriate for you to be flirting with me,
00:24because I am to be your future manager.
00:27Oh, dear God.
00:30After the financial bloody clusterfuck you made of the rat and cutter,
00:33you know you're going to buy this, are you?
00:34Not buy it, Vincent. Lease it.
00:36And, no, I haven't made a fucking clusterfuck of it.
00:38I've turned the rat and cutter around.
00:39Now I've got my sights set on this place.
00:42And you're doing what you always do.
00:44Fucking bull at a shagging gate.
00:45Just do one thing at a time, man.
00:47It's exactly not the advice of every great entrepreneur.
00:50And I should know. I watch a lot of dragons then.
00:52Yep. Well, get that fucking jukebox fixed then.
00:54And get some bar snacks.
00:56Where's he going, is he?
00:57When I was young, his bloke used to come round with a basket of fish.
01:00And we all used to say to him,
01:02Have you got crabs?
01:04You know, for a laugh.
01:06What, the good old days, was it?
01:08They had you in here enough times.
01:09Well, I say in here, you were in the van in the car park
01:12with a packet of prawn cocktail, Chris.
01:14Yeah, I know.
01:15Seeing as I drove you home on more than one occasion.
01:17How are you going to afford this, when all your money's wrapped up in the ratten-cutter?
01:21Well, therein lies a very cunning plan,
01:23one which involves me going for four days to Dusseldorf
01:26to meet Veronica, my son's mother, and her...
01:29Drumroll, please.
01:31Her very wealthy parents!
01:33Oh!
01:34Yeah.
01:35Why would Hans' German grandparents buy a fucking rundown pub in Hawley?
01:39I've asked Hans, and it turns out his grandad is an angel investor.
01:42So all I've got to do is turn on me natural pizzazz and a few well-placed lies,
01:46and ka-ching!
01:48Liz Jones and her cursed fanny are my new employees.
01:51Why is it cursed?
01:52Please, can we not talk about my mother's fanny?
01:54It's dangerous.
01:55It's killed several men, hasn't it, though?
01:57Listen, only eight men have died.
01:59The other 53 are roaming around quite happy, thank you.
02:02That number's gone up.
02:03Yeah, well, it will.
02:04Here, here.
02:05Ain't them ever died mid-pump?
02:07Just the one.
02:08What's it like, Dusseldorf?
02:10A hotbed of filth and debauchery, no doubt.
02:13Oh, it's a beautiful city, beautiful, yeah.
02:14Famed for its iconic Rhine Tower.
02:16Although, I do have, you know, a few contacts over there in the debauchment industry,
02:20and I will be frequenting those for a few days prior to toddling off and meeting the parents.
02:25Anyway, love to chat.
02:27Must fly.
02:28And, uh, as they say in Germany,
02:30Hasta la vista, cunts!
02:32Is Dusseldorf not in Spain?
02:3599, no fall alone,
02:39a real wave to Hobbiton.
02:41Of no 99, no fall alone!
02:48Ah!
02:51Ha ha ha!
02:52Hello, Mr. Schaffner.
03:06Speaking.
03:07There is a visitor here in reception wishing to see you.
03:09Visitor? Who is that?
03:11He says his name is Bernard Law Montgomery.
03:15The best things in life are free
03:18But you can give them to the birds and bees
03:21Ta-da!
03:23He-hey!
03:24Lord, in the name of Jesus H, fuck are you doing here?
03:28Hey, I got your hotel details from Vinnie.
03:30Bought myself a cheap flight over.
03:32Come fly!
03:33Absolutely fucking shite airline!
03:36Why would you do that?
03:38Why would you make such a strange and fucking incorrect decision?
03:42You manky old pubes!
03:43We all nearly died that day, Tom, on that coach.
03:47You weren't even fucking on it!
03:48I was fucking on the tractor!
03:50Getting fucking dragged to me untimely end!
03:53Well, not that untimely, eh, Jim.
03:54Right, come on!
03:55Off you fuck!
03:56Allez!
03:57And I made a vow that day that all the things I've been putting off had to get done.
04:02Right.
04:02Fucking carpe diem!
04:03Fucking bucket list!
04:04I am what you've always dreamed of visiting Dusseldorf.
04:07Have you heard that right pronunciation?
04:09Dusseldorf.
04:10Bukkake!
04:11Book?
04:12I'm so sorry about this.
04:13Sorry!
04:14Fuck!
04:15Did you say bukkake?
04:16Yeah, yeah!
04:17Well, it's famous for it over here, isn't it?
04:19All the underground what-nots and that.
04:21And you know all the fucking right places.
04:24Right.
04:25Okay.
04:26I can't believe this.
04:27That meant to me.
04:28Right.
04:29How do I put it?
04:30Jim, fuck off, you monkey old scrotum.
04:32Get on the next fucking overcrowded, shitty flight back home.
04:35There we go!
04:36Avanti!
04:37Bonchon!
04:38Hey, hang on!
04:39Some people want to fucking skydive or fucking go to the Great Barrier Reef.
04:44This is my Taj Mahal, Tomo.
04:46My Great Wall of China.
04:52Good luck, dear.
04:54Fine.
04:57I'll just ask around, then.
05:02Fuck!
05:05Fucking hell!
05:07Fine!
05:08Jim!
05:09I do know people and do not bless.
05:10But listen to me.
05:11Right.
05:12Mark my words.
05:13Are you marking me?
05:14Heed me, Jim.
05:15Right.
05:16When you have shot your muggy little wad, that's us done.
05:18Right.
05:19You're finished.
05:20We are not...
05:21I repeat.
05:22We are not on a mini-break together.
05:23Yeah, absolutely not.
05:24I surely don't know for real.
05:35Jesus Christ, Jim.
05:36You've got crisps in your beak, love.
05:37For fuck's sake?
05:38No.
05:39Fucking hell.
05:40Thomas.
05:41Mila!
05:42Meine Kleine, Frau Leiner.
05:44This is my friend James.
05:45I say friend, I mean he's more of a rancid old farmer whom only acquaintances with because
05:49we grow weed under his land.
05:51Time to meet you.
05:53Hi.
05:54So I understand you are here for the bukkake?
05:56That's right.
05:58Okay.
05:59We do classic bukkake here.
06:01Three men, one woman.
06:03Okay.
06:04What if I were to be on my knees?
06:09Oh.
06:10This is extra.
06:11Do you have cash?
06:12Oh, yeah.
06:13I've got a few bubby.
06:15I say, Jim.
06:16Not that.
06:17Now.
06:20Guten Abend.
06:21And we'll be joined by Anton and Dieter.
06:24Don't be intimidated.
06:25They're extremely large, but just follow their lead.
06:28Congratulations.
06:29Yeah, right.
06:31So, off we go.
06:33Good luck and don't be too gross, eh?
06:37Oops, I'm mad fucking out.
06:42Ah, guten outfit.
06:45Ah, very good.
06:50Dad, are you in Düsseldorf?
06:52Hands, son.
06:53I am indeed, yes.
06:54I'm currently soaking up the cultural highlights of this fine city.
06:59Fucking hell.
07:01Sorry, love.
07:02I've just seen a cathedral.
07:03Do you want to meet at Grandma and Grandpapa's house or before?
07:06And Mummy can't wait to see you.
07:08Really?
07:09Oh, yes.
07:10She says it would be strange after all the years, but also...
07:12Oh, wunderbar.
07:13They're doing dinner at 6pm.
07:14Alright.
07:15Well, listen.
07:16I've got a few things to clear up here first, but ping me over the address.
07:18I've got a higher car, so I suppose I can...
07:21Toodle-ooooh shit.
07:22Hands, love.
07:23I'll see you at 6pm.
07:24Alright.
07:25Fucking hell, Tim!
07:26Tim!
07:27The fuck have you done you?
07:28Hey, nothing!
07:29I said, I said, don't be too gross.
07:30Did I not say that?
07:31I wasn't!
07:32I mean, we were just getting to it and...
07:33I know I've got a bit of an intense jack-off face, but...
07:34Oh, alright.
07:35She just started crying and fled!
07:36Her fucking hand and neck!
07:37She's all flayed, miserable.
07:38Oh, for some sake!
07:39Mila, sweetheart, love, baby, angel.
07:40Hey, you alright in there?
07:41I'm sorry.
07:42No, no, no.
07:43Don't.
07:44You be sorry.
07:45He is a mangy cunt with a horrible jerk-off face.
07:46Just come out here and we can talk about it.
07:47It's alright.
07:48Ah!
07:49Fuck the ammo!
07:50Hey, I'm sorry.
07:51Don't.
07:52Don't.
07:53You be sorry.
07:54He is a mangy cunt with a horrible jerk-off face.
07:56Just come out here and we can talk about it.
07:57Is she alright?
07:58Ah!
07:59Fuck the ammo!
08:00Hey, I'm sorry if it was me.
08:02I mean, the last thing I wanted to do-
08:04No, no.
08:05It wasn't you.
08:06You're a gentleman.
08:07It...
08:08It's me.
08:09I shouldn't have come to work tonight.
08:12I'm...
08:13I'm just so worried.
08:14What's happened?
08:15My brother, Otto, he's in the hospital.
08:18He had a heart attack.
08:20That's terrible.
08:21Not ideal.
08:22I have his phone and he keeps getting these messages
08:25from someone named Bozeman.
08:28Right, so that's all in German, isn't it?
08:31So...
08:32He says,
08:33We want the gear.
08:34When and where.
08:36Don't ignore me.
08:37Fucking call me.
08:38Or I'll find you...
08:40Ass-face.
08:41Ass-face, right.
08:43That's a rare insult, that intent.
08:45So what's...
08:46What's I got myself involved in?
08:48Envelopes.
08:50Why?
08:51Well, Otto runs the local post office.
08:53And since the legalization of cannabis, people come here to smoke, to party, from the UK,
09:03France, and many of them get the idea to post drugs back home.
09:07So, they Google local post office.
09:10Otto's the first hit.
09:11So they wander in and ask...
09:13How much did you post a letter back to the UK?
09:15So he tells them the price of a stamp.
09:17Otto knows they're posting weed, mushrooms.
09:20Then he throws them into a special red delivery bag.
09:23Which he then brings home with him.
09:25Because who's gonna make a complaint?
09:26Oh, my drugs never made at home?
09:28Fucking clever.
09:29Perfect crime.
09:30But then he didn't know what to do with them all.
09:32Hence, Bozeman.
09:34Fuck me.
09:35This is thousands of fucking pounds worth.
09:37Maybe tens of thousands.
09:39People pay 40, 50 euros for mushrooms.
09:41Even more for the strong ones.
09:43But I can't get involved.
09:45I don't want trouble with the police.
09:47Ah, well, congratulations, Mila.
09:49Because we deal with this sort of thing all the fucking time.
09:51For a small remuneration, i.e. cut of the profits, we could get some of the contents of these envelopes to Mr. Bozeman.
09:59Air Bozeman, if you will.
10:01Deutsche. Very good.
10:02And, you know, make the transaction.
10:05You would do that for me?
10:07Mila.
10:08Of course.
10:09Mi kassere su kassere.
10:10You can have the money. I don't need it.
10:1150, 50.
10:12Eh, let's say that.
10:1380.
10:1420.
10:1560, 40.
10:16Okay, I accept 60.
10:17Fucking well done.
10:18Thank you so much.
10:20Bitte schön.
10:21If you meet them, you might need someone who speaks German.
10:25Do you know anyone?
10:27Mila, would you believe it?
10:29And not just the man.
10:31Teary fucking easy!
10:32Listen, you can be right with this.
10:33You know, you won't tell your mum. It's just, er, our little secret.
10:37Yes!
10:38It is exciting.
10:39Very fucking easy!
10:45Listen, you can be all right with this.
10:47You won't tell your mum.
10:48It's just our little secret.
10:49Yes, it is exciting.
10:51Oh, yeah.
10:51Like a movie.
10:52The illegal drop in a discreet location.
10:55Oh, yes.
10:55Well, listen, that's how your father rolls.
10:57It's wall-to-wall adventure and intrigue.
10:59Oh, yes.
11:00Except we're meeting him around the back of a large garden furniture warehouse.
11:03All right.
11:04On that note, avante!
11:06Let's go.
11:06Ha, ha.
11:09It's a quick in and out to stick to the plan, and we'll be sitting steins on the Rhine.
11:16Bob's your fucking uncle.
11:32Right.
11:33Jim, you stay here with the gear, and Hans will go and negotiate.
11:37I don't like this.
11:38They've got nasty eyes.
11:40They're probably going to kill us and dump our bodies in the Seine.
11:43The Seine is in France.
11:45You're missing the fucking point.
11:47I am this close to achieving a lifelong ambition.
11:50And now I'm going to get shot in the face on some misguided envelope-based fucking scam.
11:55Jim, love, how do I put this gently?
11:57Um, shut the fuck up, you stupid old cunt.
12:00Ah, Mr. Bozeman.
12:12Wo ist Otto?
12:13Tell him that we are colleagues and we have what he needs.
12:16Wir sind Ottos Kollegen.
12:17Kollegen.
12:18Otto ist beschäftigt, aber wir haben, was er braucht.
12:20Ja.
12:21Hat Otto den Weihnachtsmann und seine zwei Helfer geschickt, um seine Drecksarbeit zu erledigen?
12:25Wieso sieht der englische Weihnachtsmann so klapprig aus?
12:28Post-Brexit-Weihnachtsmann.
12:31Oh, ja.
12:31Was ist er denn?
12:33They say Otto sent Santa Claus.
12:35I think they mean Jim and his two elves, that's us, to do his deal for him.
12:40Okay.
12:40And then they did a bunch of follow-up stuff, which is German humor and won't be funny to you.
12:44Okay.
12:45Was wollen diese Zwerge?
12:46Now they are asking how much you want for the gear.
12:48Yes.
12:49They say that Santa must be drunk on all the whiskey, if we want 20k.
13:07They will give us 4k, if we agree to fill their Christmas stockings.
13:11Jesus Christ, so fucking gentle humor this, isn't it?
13:14I said they have to tell him, 15 grand, that's my final offer.
13:1715.000.
13:19Not rude.
13:20Right, right, right, 10, 10 grand, and that's as long as I'll go.
13:23Seen.
13:245,000.
13:24They say 5.
13:25Remind those cunts who won the war.
13:27No, no, Jim, we're not going down that route, thank you very much.
13:29All right, 9 grand, 9 grand, and that is it.
13:32That is as long as I'll go, or may God strike Jim down.
13:35Nein.
13:35Das beste Angebot.
13:37Acht.
13:37Eight.
13:39Fine, done.
13:39Fucking great.
13:40Now let's get the dough so we can get on with the bocacke.
13:43Tell them that we want to see the cash before the drugs get handed over.
13:46We want to see the cooler scene.
13:48Bitte, cooler scene.
13:49Sure, but before I want a picture with the Weihnachtsmann.
13:53They want a photograph with Santa Claus.
13:56You are?
13:57Are you for real?
13:57Yes, they want to send it to a friend.
14:00Crikey.
14:01All right, go on.
14:02Hey, hey, having a great beard does not make me Santa Claus.
14:04Oh, my God.
14:05Rath-Butin had a great beard.
14:06Fucking Fidel Castro had a great beard.
14:08Glitch in that fucking selfie, Yukon!
14:10He's wearing disposable gloves.
14:12Only killers wear disposable gloves.
14:14Oh, well, maybe he's got a germ for me.
14:16Go on, get the selfie, love.
14:17There we go!
14:18Ah, schnell.
14:19Sehr good.
14:21Yeah, super cool.
14:23We had sense for dying.
14:24Come, come.
14:25There's now one with all of us.
14:26What's going on?
14:27What are you talking?
14:28What?
14:29Okay.
14:30Dylan, I'm singing.
14:32Heine again.
14:34Yeah, lovely.
14:35Alles schläft, trautum.
14:40Jesus!
14:45Hey, no.
14:46No, no, no, no!
14:56You fucking asshole!
14:58No!
15:01No!
15:05My best shirt was in that suitcase, and me tingly body rub, and me corn plasters.
15:11You honestly gonna go for that old fucking weird smorgasbord?
15:13It nicked off with our fucking luggage, our passports, and my fucking hire car that I didn't get insured!
15:18You didn't take the insurance?
15:19No.
15:20Would you like to take the insurance?
15:22Yeah.
15:23Four days in Dusseldorf was the worst that could happen.
15:26Would you like to take the insurance?
15:29Fuck!
15:30Fuck!
15:31We lost a car, but we gained a jacket.
15:34Ha!
15:35Stop it.
15:36What do you think?
15:37I've not got time for whimsy now, love.
15:38Oh.
15:39What's this?
15:40What was it?
15:41What is it?
15:42Browere Schumann, 10.30?
15:44That's a beer hall.
15:45That's a fucking meetup.
15:46That's a fucking meetup?
15:47He's been there tonight!
15:48Unless it was last night, and he's just still in his pocket.
15:51I swear to God, man.
15:52But, Dad, we have to go to Grandma and Grandpapa's.
15:55In fact, we need to be there in 22 minutes.
15:58Okay, okay.
15:59Here's what we're gonna do.
16:00We're gonna go to the relatives, have a bit of din-dins.
16:02Lovely.
16:03Early to bed, and we sneak out, and go and retrieve what's rightfully ours.
16:06Brilliant.
16:07Call an Uber.
16:08Hang on a minute.
16:09What about me getting what I came for?
16:11Jim!
16:12Where's the fucking room?
16:13Events have moved on.
16:14So you're just gonna go off to dinner, and leave me here in the middle of fucking nowhere?
16:20You can come with us.
16:21As you say in England, the more of the people, the merrier the situation.
16:25Nice one!
16:26Take care!
16:27Yeah!
16:28It's Mummy!
16:29This is a huge moment.
16:30My mother and my father reunited after so many years.
16:31All right, all right.
16:32I'm coming.
16:33Words which ironically led to your creation.
16:35Mummy!
16:36And that's what I said when I came.
16:37Hans!
16:38It's Daddy.
16:39Thomas!
16:40Well, yes.
16:41It's been a very long time.
16:42Yes.
16:43Hello again.
16:44Hello, Veronica.
16:45Looking well.
16:46Very, uh, Germanic.
16:47With your hair like that and the roll neck and all that, you know?
16:49And you look very English.
16:50Thank you, I think.
16:51Who is this?
16:52Who is this?
16:53This is Jim, a friend of Dad's.
16:54Good to meet you.
16:55I've heard a lot about you.
16:56Well, the 16-year-old you.
16:57The one that liked cows.
16:58And that's what I said when I came.
16:59And that's what I said when I came.
17:00Hans!
17:01It's Daddy.
17:02Thomas!
17:03Well, yes.
17:04It's been a very long time.
17:05Yes.
17:06Hello again.
17:07Hello, Veronica.
17:08Looking well.
17:09Very Germanic.
17:10With your hair like that and the roll neck and all that, you know?
17:12And you look very English.
17:13Thank you, I think.
17:14Who is this?
17:15This is Jim, a friend of Dad's.
17:16Good to meet you.
17:17I've heard a lot about you.
17:18The 16-year-old you.
17:19The one that liked cowgirl on a school trip.
17:21Jim!
17:22Sorry about that.
17:24Veronica Hans!
17:26Papa!
17:27Hi, hello!
17:28Kinder!
17:30So good to see you.
17:35Buy a drink first, eh?
17:38I'll be at the circus.
17:39Oh, me.
17:40Mein Lieber!
17:41Opa!
17:42Ja?
17:43Das is mein Vater, Thomas.
17:44Vater?
17:45Und sein Freund, Jim.
17:46Freund.
17:47Did you not bring any luggage?
17:48We had it stolen.
17:50I hope you have insurance.
17:52Ha!
17:5650 quid?
17:57Fuck that.
17:59What's the worst that could happen?
18:02Never mind.
18:03I'll lend you some of my briefs.
18:05Let's go.
18:06Come.
18:08Did he say briefs?
18:09Thomas, come hurry up, schnell.
18:10This is our sauna.
18:11And I built it with my own hands.
18:12Just as Gitte is preparing us the most amazing feast, and there's nothing more enticing for
18:24the appetite than a cold plunge.
18:26Oh.
18:28Oh.
18:29The secret is, it's complete submerging all the way to your neck.
18:33And you hold it for two minutes, and not a second less.
18:36Two.
18:37Two minutes.
18:38Two full minutes.
18:39Right.
18:40Hold on me.
18:46Yeah.
18:47Now you.
18:48Come.
18:49Okay.
18:50Off you go.
18:51Here goes.
18:52What's it?
18:53Test the water as it...
18:54Whoa!
18:55Oh, fuck me!
18:56Yes, no, that is...
18:57That's very, very cold, actually.
18:58Don't allow yourself to think about it.
19:00Yes, no, I have thoughts about it.
19:01And the brain is very much saying, no, thank you, so I'm just going to go after a neck.
19:05All right, count him in.
19:06Fun.
19:07Fun.
19:08Fear.
19:09Die.
19:10Swine.
19:11Eyes.
19:12I mentioned that I do have a heart defect, and so I'm a bit concerned this might bring
19:16about a cardiac arrest.
19:17Here you go!
19:23Hey, reminds me of the merchant neighbor.
19:26Except if we were all naked.
19:28I'm fucking drinking!
19:29Hey!
19:30Hey, I'm just going to get some wine, Dr. Jay.
19:32Bye.
19:33Oh, and get me some tampons, will you?
19:36I told you, use a moon cup.
19:38Hey, just get the tampons.
19:40You get them.
19:41I'm not buying shitty single-use plastic.
19:46Weirdo.
19:58Here's my love.
20:01Oh, it's my waiter, eh?
20:02I've got that in your drink.
20:07Don't sweat the technique.
20:08Alex, fucking go!
20:09Go!
20:10Fucking joking!
20:15Fuck's sake, Faye!
20:16You're meant to go in for a bottle of wine.
20:18Yeah, well, an opportunity arose.
20:19Did you hit him then?
20:20Only gently.
20:21Fuck me!
20:22Thought we were leaving all this small-time shit behind, and where are my fucking tampons, eh?
20:26That guy in there who's probably just doing his fucking job, minimum wage, probably getting
20:30into all kinds of trouble now.
20:31That's not right, Ali.
20:32You're asking me to compromise my moral standpoint on these things.
20:35Moral fucking standpoint!
20:36As if you didn't just fucking smash a guy in the face for a couple of quid.
20:40I fucking told you to use a mooncock!
20:42Oh, fuck off!
20:43Thank you, Sean.
20:44Thank you, Sean.
20:45Thank you, Sean.
20:46Thank you, Sean.
20:52So, Ernst, or perhaps now that we're related, I could venture to call you Papa.
20:58Keep it, Ernst.
20:59Okay.
21:00As you wish.
21:01Listen, about earlier, the whole ice plunge situation.
21:04I think we got off the wrong foot, didn't we?
21:05Because, you see, the whole great outdoors.
21:07It's not really my natural environnement.
21:09You know, I'm more of a night-time economy guy.
21:12You know, pubs, clubs, bars, where people can go and find fun and friendship.
21:17Everyone to their own.
21:18And, you know, as it happens, I do have a small portfolio of venues in the UK, but I'm
21:24ever looking to expand.
21:26I see.
21:29Hans helped me financially to set up my flagship venue, The Rat and Cutter.
21:33And now, I've got my little eye on another local bar, very up-and-coming.
21:38And I was wondering if you might want to chat investment opportunities.
21:46You got my daughter pregnant.
21:49Now, let me ask you a question.
21:51Why do you think Veronica never told you that Johannes' father?
21:57Because we met when we were very young and on a school exchange.
22:00So, it's one of them, innit?
22:01She went through hell.
22:03She was 16 years old with a newborn child.
22:06Couldn't go out with her friends.
22:09Couldn't go on holidays.
22:11She had to postpone college.
22:13And why?
22:15Because some English boy was the cheap to buy prophylactics.
22:20A fucking condom.
22:21Well, it wasn't the expense as such.
22:26She didn't tell you because she thought you are a bad bet.
22:33She thought your life will be chaotic and failing.
22:37And even though she was physically attracted to you at that age, she was smart enough even then to realize she was the kind of guy that can be relied upon.
22:50Well, how wrong was she, eh?
22:57Was she?
22:59I think of myself as a good judge of character.
23:03It comes with my line of work.
23:05And I think Veronica, my daughter, she's too.
23:08Ernst, answer this for me.
23:12I've always wanted to know.
23:14What's with the fucking umlaut?
23:18Huh?
23:19Oh my god, this is funny.
23:35Look, there's something I didn't tell you about my uncle.
23:37You thought you'd wait till you got to the door, did you?
23:40It's not a big deal, it's just, it doesn't look like you'd expect.
23:43What do you mean?
23:50There is plenty of space.
23:54The bathroom is just outside.
23:57And, er, I will bring you some towels.
24:05What the fuck are you doing, Agent?
24:07You can't stay at the night as soon as you've got that gear.
24:09Fuck it off, do you hotel?
24:11What hotel?
24:13What do you mean, what hotel?
24:15I didn't book one.
24:16I just thought I saw you once I got here.
24:17Who the fuck does that?
24:18I thought you might have a spare bed in your room.
24:19Why?
24:20Why would I have?
24:21There you go.
24:23Speak if you need anything.
24:26We are only upstairs.
24:31I want that fucking book, Akitamo.
24:33And I'm not going home until he's done.
24:35Your actions are not the actions of a reasonable man.
24:39It's like Morecambe and Wise, isn't it?
24:40Two grown men.
24:41Sharing a room.
24:42Separate beds.
24:43Simpler time, you see.
24:44You said he'd give us a signal when they went to bed.
24:45Where is he?
24:46I don't want to let anything have it back then.
24:47Is this the same halcyon age when Jim Davidson were doing Chalky White and Benny Hill were chasing scantily clad women round the grounds of Staley Holmes?
25:03Oh, come on.
25:05That's right.
25:06Sully it with your woke agenda.
25:08Oh, fuck me.
25:09Everyone's fucking offended nowadays.
25:12It's because you can't say anything.
25:14Oh, my God.
25:15When we were kids, you got given a nickname, you just got on with it.
25:18When I was young, people used to call me Pid Shit Jimmy, because I lived on a farm.
25:23And it hadn't done me any harm, has it, eh?
25:25Huh?
25:26I'm not so sure about that, love.
25:33Ein und aus.
25:43Ein und aus.
25:47Und aus.
25:51Immer im Rhythmus.
26:06Jim, get your fucking shoes on.
26:08Who got me out, Jim?
26:18Rose!
26:21Oh, hello.
26:22Someone's been on the Jagerbombs.
26:26Keep your eyes peeled, Jim.
26:27You remember what it looks like?
26:28Hey, a fucking memory of a fox, man.
26:31The foxes have good memories?
26:32Well, if they haven't, why would they have said it?
26:34Willkommen, meine Damen und Herren, zum größten, berühmtesten Drink-Walk-Wettbewerb in Düsseldorf!
26:47Willkommen sich jetzt an der Bühne anmelden.
26:49Prost!
26:51What's going on here?
26:53What's going on, pal?
26:54Is this a Drink-Walk-Wettbewerb?
26:56Fuckin' the English!
26:57Nein!
27:00You don't speak fucking English!
27:01He's a rude man.
27:03Oh, yeah, it's fucking awful.
27:04Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:05Well spotted.
27:06Sorry, what the fuck is going on here?
27:08It is a famous Drink-Walk-Competition.
27:10Everyone has put in five Euro, and the winner gets to keep the pot of money.
27:14Cash-Prize?
27:15Fuck it, I'm getting involved.
27:17Oh, no, no, no, no, Jim, no!
27:18I'm not!
27:28Okay, now.
27:30Stay.
27:32I couldn't get away.
27:33No, I saw.
27:34You took Grandad's car.
27:35Yeah, I've noticed, does it?
27:37No, he went to bed, but he won't be happy if he finds out.
27:41A Drink-Walk-Competition, how fantastic!
27:48Happy!
27:49Yes, Jim!
27:58There's the man.
27:59Odd?
28:00Jacky-Man?
28:01Yes, definitely.
28:02Well, it is him and all.
28:03Right, we've got him.
28:04He's trapped.
28:05Ha!
28:06Look!
28:08Helicopter!
28:09I've got you now, you can't.
28:12Wow!
28:14Hey!
28:15Yeah!
28:18Yes!
28:19What?
28:20Yeah!
28:21Yeah, exactly!
28:22Woo!
28:23What will be a double-topped if a double-topped?
28:24Or if it's a double-topped?
28:25Or if it's a double-topped?
28:26Or if it's a double-topped?
28:27Oh, absolutely.
28:28Right, right, right, right?
28:29Yay!
28:30Fuck it!
28:31Let's go!
28:32And we're gonna win!
28:33Yes, Jim!
28:35Yes, Jim!
28:36Faster!
28:37Cheers!
28:38Schneller!
28:39Punch him!
28:40Punch him!
28:41Yeah!
28:42Fuck off!
28:43One-nil to me!
28:44I'll shoot her!
28:45Oh, God!
28:46Oh, God!
28:47Oh, God!
28:48Get him now!
28:50Oh, shit!
28:51He's gone!
28:52What?
28:53It's fucking wrong, Jack!
28:54He's gone!
28:55Please give us the fucking sleep!
28:56Jesus Christ!
28:57Come on!
28:58Come on!
28:59Come on!
29:00Come on!
29:01All right!
29:02You've got your nose!
29:07Fuck it out!
29:09No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
29:11It's locked!
29:12It's fucking locked!
29:13No, there's a door release button!
29:14Oh, right, yeah.
29:16It's in our car park.
29:18Up there!
29:19It's in!
29:20It's been fucking out of your car!
29:21He's leaving.
29:22Well, if we fucking block the way, he's not!
29:37Jack...
29:38Jake...
29:39Man...
29:42Why's he just staring at us?
29:47No, no, no!
29:48No, no, no, no, no, no!
29:51Ah-ah!
29:52Great Dad's car!
29:53Big fucking air car!
29:54When would it fucking move?!
29:55Would you like to take the issue?
29:58No!
29:59No, no, no, no, no, no!
30:02Oh, that is in Dusseldorf?
30:04Ah!
30:05What's the worst that could happen?
30:09I have an idea!
30:10No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
30:12Get down!
30:13I'll tell you what!
30:28Oh, that's not good.
30:35Oh, he's alive.
30:36Thank God.
30:37Hey?
30:38No.
30:39I'll tell you what.
30:40I'm having that.
30:42Thanks, lad!
30:43Five likes on.
30:44Right, you check the boots.
30:49Nothing back here.
30:50Oh, jackpot!
30:51His mobile telephone!
30:53Let's get this cunt into our car.
30:55Are we taking him to the hospital?
30:57No, are we folk?
30:58This bastard's a bargaining chip.
31:00Is it chip or is it cheat?
31:01Dad, I don't like this.
31:03I think I might be out of my depth.
31:05I can't take a man hostage.
31:06Look, love, you're only hostage
31:08if you're being held against your will.
31:10And he's gagging to come with us, aren't you, mate?
31:14Get me the fuck out of here!
31:17They're all fucking psychos!
31:19There we go!
31:20How do you like that, you great German shit?
31:25Right, here is the plan.
31:27We're going to bell Boseman up off Lado's phone.
31:29Boseman's going to pick up the phone
31:30because he thinks it's one of his guys calling.
31:31Then we're going to say to him,
31:32or rather you're going to say to him
31:33because you speak German.
31:34You're not getting your lad back
31:36until we get
31:37A, our passport
31:39B, our luggage
31:40and C, the fucking gear that he stole from us!
31:44I can't do that.
31:46No, no, darling.
31:47If we don't get our passports back,
31:48we can't go on.
31:49And as much as you might be the nation
31:50who invented socks and sandals,
31:51you do not deserve a crusty old racist farmer.
31:54Fine, give me the telephone.
31:56But I wanted to it my way.
31:58With politeness.
31:59Good for you.
32:00Good lad.
32:01Nice.
32:02Politeness? Are you fucking sure he's your kid?
32:04Says the man with a super smart lesbian daughter.
32:06Lesbian?
32:08As in?
32:09It's a fucking lesbian.
32:11Then she sleeps with women.
32:12What do you think I'm...
32:13Oh my God, did you not know that?
32:14You're saying it my alley.
32:15He's a fucking donut bumper.
32:17Jim, honestly,
32:18as much as it might be difficult for you
32:19to get your head round the fact
32:20that you have spawned a homosexual,
32:22maybe she'd be grateful, you know,
32:23because she's a lovely young woman, isn't she?
32:24This is her fucking mother, this.
32:25I told her not to introduce her to fucking hockey.
32:28All them young girls,
32:29short skirts,
32:30big wooden fucking sticks.
32:32I worry about your world view.
32:33I really do, Jim.
32:34Hey, look,
32:35there's a place here,
32:36half a mile away.
32:37Look, it says,
32:38catering for all erotic desires.
32:40Jesus Christ, Jim,
32:41if you mention book hockey one more fucking time.
32:44You fucking promise you'd help me.
32:45No, no, no, no, no.
32:46Factually inaccurate,
32:47that.
32:48What I seem to recall happening
32:49is you following me
32:50to a foreign nation
32:51like a fucking sex-dementor.
32:53What did he say, love?
32:55He said,
32:56you can keep him.
32:58What?
32:59The man in the back,
33:00he said, I don't care.
33:01Keep him.
33:02Fuckin' hell!
33:03Fuckin' hell!
33:04Fuckin' hell!
33:05Fuckin' hell!
33:06Fuckin' hell!
33:07Fuckin' hell!
33:08Fuck you, Germany!
33:09Fuckin' hell!
33:10Fuckin' hell!
33:11Fuckin' hell!
33:12Fuckin' hell!
33:13Fuckin' hell!
33:14Fuckin' hell!
33:15Fuckin' hell!
33:16Fill your boots!
33:17Actually, don't fill your boots.
33:18I wish I'd not said that.
33:19That's a horrible image.
33:20Fuckin' hell!
33:21Fuckin' hell!
33:22Grandad isn't going to be very happy about the car.
33:24That's a fucking understatement.
33:26Well, to be honest, love,
33:27I reckon your grandad's opinion on me
33:28wasn't that high to begin with.
33:30What makes you say that?
33:32Hmm?
33:33Oh.
33:34Mm.
33:35Cold hunch.
33:36And your mum.
33:37Fuck, you know.
33:38She's a bit, er...
33:39Cool.
33:40Frosty.
33:41Ass-cold.
33:42You know?
33:43Mum is the sort of person
33:44who keeps her emotions inside herself.
33:46Mm.
33:47She will have been nervous
33:48about seeing you again.
33:49I think.
33:50Yeah, I suppose I'm just a stranger to her.
33:52Aren't I?
33:53I'm just, er...
33:54someone she had a youthful fling with
33:56many moons ago.
33:57Nothing more.
33:58Nothing less...
33:59Hey, sweetheart.
34:00Is it just me?
34:01Or...
34:02It seems very much like those two men over there
34:03are heading this way
34:04with...
34:05rather large sledgehammers.
34:08They are definitely...
34:10coming in this direction.
34:11Hmm.
34:14I mean...
34:15No one else are here.
34:16No one's followed us,
34:17so they can't be here for...
34:20Buzz?
34:21Release Lucas.
34:22How the fuck?
34:23They're not easier.
34:24Release him now.
34:25Dad, this is scary.
34:27No, no, no, no, sweet.
34:28They're trying to frighten us, aren't they?
34:30I'll handle this.
34:31Um...
34:32Guten Abend.
34:33Guten Abend.
34:34Yeah.
34:35Yeah.
34:36Eh...
34:37Den...
34:38Sledgehammer.
34:39Den Vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
34:41Den Vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
34:43Just speak English.
34:44Your German is worse than a three-year-old.
34:46Listen!
34:47I've told Bosman,
34:48we'll release him
34:49when we get our passports
34:50and the gear you stole.
34:51Now!
34:52Or we fuck up your car more.
34:53It's not my car,
34:54it's my son's granddad, so...
34:55Your son's granddad, so...
34:57Not your father, but your wife's father.
34:59No, she's not my wife!
35:00Actually, either.
35:01In fact, I barely even know her.
35:02We had a brief sexual encounter
35:04two decades ago.
35:05And you didn't use protection.
35:07Okay, no.
35:08How did you find us?
35:09Find my phone app.
35:10Of course.
35:11Fucking girl!
35:12Everyone has this.
35:13Right, no, listen.
35:14Listen.
35:15Right.
35:16We had a fair deal.
35:17An embozman
35:18shafted us
35:19right at the asshole.
35:20And this dickhead
35:21in the back
35:22is written off my hire car.
35:23Didn't take the insurance?
35:24No!
35:25I did not.
35:26Look.
35:27I am going to count to three.
35:29And then you release Lucas.
35:30You don't fucking like, love.
35:31We're not giving him back
35:32until we get
35:33what's rightfully ours.
35:34Eins.
35:35We have to let him go.
35:36They're bluffing.
35:37Zwei.
35:38I don't think they're bluffing.
35:39Of course they're bluffing fucking
35:40in front of the car, aren't they?
35:41Could run them over.
35:42In fact, I'll run them over.
35:43Don't run them over.
35:44Drive.
35:45See?
35:46What'd I say?
35:47Bluffing!
35:48Ah!
35:49Ah!
35:50Ah!
35:51Ah!
35:52Ah!
35:53Stop the car!
35:54Drive away!
35:55You're not going to kill us!
35:56Ah!
35:57Don't do that!
35:58Do not do that!
35:59Oh!
36:00Fuck off!
36:01Ah!
36:02Ah!
36:03Ah!
36:04Ah!
36:05Ah!
36:06Ah!
36:07Ah!
36:08Ah!
36:09Ah!
36:10Ah!
36:11ah!
36:12Ah!
36:13Ah!
36:14No!
36:15No!
36:16No!
36:17No!
36:18No!
36:19No!
36:20No!
36:21And get out!
36:22No!
36:23Yes!
36:24No!
36:25Yeah!
36:26Fuck..
36:27You're not going off the door!
36:28Oh, come on, the door!
36:31Come on, Jim.
36:37What do you say, follow us?
36:39Oh, throw the phone out the window.
36:41Phone, the phone, throw the phone out the window!
36:42Or I could turn off, find my phone.
36:44Yeah, yeah, no, I'll do that.
36:45Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:45Thank you for saving us.
36:47Excuse the deed?
36:47Huh?
36:48The deed, if you've done the deed, it's the deed done.
36:49No, it fucking isn't.
36:51What are you doing with him in the back?
36:52We can't take them back to my grandparents' house.
36:55Explaining the car is going to be bad enough without a hostage in the booth.
36:57It is not a hostage, it's free to go out any time!
37:02Uncle Jay took a shine to you, told me in the kitchen.
37:06You said you were a keeper.
37:07Yeah, I bet you did.
37:09Fuck off.
37:11And you said you'd get us some work.
37:14Yeah, what kind of work?
37:16You know, like...
37:18I don't know, but we can trust him.
37:20It'll be good.
37:22Now then, admit it.
37:25How sexy did you find me robbing that shop?
37:27Come on.
37:31You know you did.
37:32Did not.
37:33You did.
37:34Did not.
37:35You loved it.
37:43Debbie!
37:44Liz says you're up here, is that right?
37:55Debbie?
37:55Debbie, love.
38:01I've told you tonight, Alfred Barnard.
38:03Jesus fucking Christ.
38:05Of course you stood right there.
38:07Bloody terrifying.
38:08Stop.
38:08Stop being Alfred Barnard for a minute.
38:10I know it's you.
38:12Hey.
38:12Liz has told me that you've demanded to move in here a little bit.
38:16Demanded?
38:17Why are you still doing the voice?
38:18Listen.
38:19She told me that you're like a crazy woman in an attic.
38:22Are you listening?
38:23The only time she ever sees you is when you want sustenance.
38:26And to the best of her knowledge, you've been in this fucking room for three bloody weeks.
38:30Is that true?
38:30She likes to talk, doesn't she, Miss Jones?
38:33Yeah.
38:34But listen, I'm worried about you, Davey.
38:36I've stayed in the crow's nest before.
38:37It fucking sucks.
38:38Did you know that that television console has only got free view?
38:42Right.
38:43I've spent my days watching reruns of A Place in the Sun.
38:47Oh.
38:47One couple wanted to sell their house in Burnley and relocate to Fuerteventura.
38:53Imagine the idiocy.
38:54What's going on?
38:55What the fuck's happened?
38:57Somebody made it abundantly clear that they wanted me dead.
39:02I can smell your balls from it.
39:08I'm sorry, dude.
39:09You haven't been showering.
39:10I had a flannel wash this morning.
39:12Thank you very much.
39:13Come on.
39:14We're going for a drive.
39:14You can tell me what's going on.
39:21Donna had scurried off back to Liverpool with a tail between her legs.
39:25And I was feeling very proud of myself.
39:27And the can.
39:28Dead.
39:30Me in Manalito's mansion.
39:32Ruling the roost.
39:34I was the king of the fucking world.
39:36And then, one night, I woke up and I could feel something wet in the bed alongside me.
39:44And I was thinking, what in the earth can that be?
39:47I'm alone in bed.
39:49What could be wet down there?
39:51Fucking hell, what was it?
39:53You've seen The Godfather?
39:54I assume with the horse's head?
39:56You joke.
39:57It wasn't a fuck.
39:57Was it that?
39:58No.
39:59Oh.
40:01Worse.
40:03Your Donna.
40:04No.
40:05No one give a shit about that.
40:07No.
40:08It was.
40:13Ah!
40:16Oh.
40:16Oh, fuck me.
40:17The exotic zoo.
40:18Yes, correct, Vincent.
40:20There was a note telling me that if I didn't leave that evening, then it would be my head
40:25in my mother's bed.
40:26Shit.
40:27Shit indeed, sweetheart.
40:30I'm not ashamed to say it shook me.
40:32Do you know who it was?
40:35It was that cross-dressing cunt, Kittens.
40:37Oh.
40:38Revenge for McCann.
40:40Why did I get McCann killed?
40:43Hmm?
40:43For you.
40:44To help you.
40:46And now, look.
40:47Comes back to haunt me.
40:49Well, I mean, it suited you down to the fucking ground, didn't it?
40:51And all.
40:51Didn't be in debt.
40:52Shh.
40:52What?
40:54What's that?
40:55That's Demi Shrewsos.
41:00Who the fuck's that?
41:01Demi Shrewsos.
41:02It's my mother's favourite.
41:04Who the fuck did you tell were you?
41:06I haven't told anyone we're up here, you fucking nutcase.
41:08No.
41:09Jesus, what's wrong with you?
41:10This is how it ends.
41:11On a cold, lonely road.
41:13With you.
41:15About my side.
41:16Oh, quick.
41:17We'd better run.
41:18He's a man on his way home.
41:19It's just a random dickhead.
41:21Vincent!
41:22Wait.
41:25Hans, get inside.
41:40And you in.
41:44Where have you been?
41:46Ah, that is a very long story.
41:51Leading my boy astray?
41:52Okay.
41:54What are you doing here, Tomo?
41:55Why did you come here?
41:58I sometimes wish he had never found you.
42:00He should have left the past in the past.
42:03You'd like that, wouldn't you?
42:06Pretend I don't exist.
42:11That's all right, love.
42:12Your dad let the cat out of the bag.
42:14Why, you didn't want to let me know that I had a son.
42:17Yeah.
42:18Yeah.
42:19What did he say?
42:20He said them.
42:29It's not all right when you meet.
42:31When you grow up like I grew up, shit, parents, bounce around from care-on to care-on.
42:37People have a certain way of looking at you.
42:39They don't have high hopes for you.
42:44And, you know, you go to school and careers and all that and they do the same thing.
42:49You've got best condescending, pat on the back, but until you're basically, you are fucking nothing.
42:53You're nothing.
42:54And you're always going to be nothing.
42:55Right, and so you have to just sort of either fall in line with that thinking or, like, fight, fight back, you know.
43:04Fight to prove yourself.
43:08Prove those dickheads wrong.
43:09But it follows you.
43:12And, you know, people looking down on you and thinking that you're nothing, thinking that you're worthless and you're shit.
43:17It follows you around.
43:19But I've fucking tried.
43:22I've fought really hard.
43:24And I'll keep fighting now for him, for my lad.
43:29And just prove to your dad and fucking 16-year-old you that I'm not shit, actually.
43:35And that I can make something of my life.
43:38Okay.
43:43I didn't tell you I was pregnant because...
43:47I was scared you'd reject me.
43:54I felt like I loved you.
43:57And I wanted to have your child, but...
44:00I was scared you'd tell me to get rid of it.
44:06I thought about you so much over the years.
44:09And I did want to tell you, but...
44:12Weeks turned to months, and...
44:15I'm glad you didn't get rid of him.
44:20Because he is the best thing in my whole life.
44:23Sorry.
44:24You know...
44:24You, you've done a fantastic job.
44:30You really have.
44:32God, I'm sorry for all this mad shit that I've fucking got him into now.
44:35You're both back safe, and...
44:38Apart from the state of my father's car, hopefully it's all done and dealt with now.
44:44It is.
44:45Yeah, it is.
44:48Except for the fellas' dad up in the boot.
44:50I'm sure you have done worse.
45:10I hope your car insurance fucks you and your shit car, you young arseholes!
45:25Joyriders, innit?
45:27Lookin' joyriders.
45:28We'll say we went for an early walk, and when we came back, daddy's car was gone.
45:38Must have been stolen in the night.
45:41Veronica, you are a fucking angel.
45:44An angel in woman form.
45:46And speaking of which, I hear that your father is an angel investor, and I was wondering if,
45:51you know, maybe if I get in my briefs again, if you might be able to facilitate a business discussion.
45:59Let's see what we can do.
46:09Oh, good morning!
46:12Oh, good morning, get up.
46:14Just recovering from last night, fucking hell.
46:17Oh, how would you like to start the day off in the sun?
46:22Oh, no, I'm not sure about that either.
46:24I think you find it invigorating.
46:29Come on.
46:30Uh, okay.
46:32Yeah, go in.
46:35We heard what you said.
46:38What you are looking for.
46:42We are very open-minded people.
46:46Sexually.
46:47For fuck's sake!
46:58I negotiated with Bozeman.
47:00He now has a membership to my club.
47:03Mila, you are an absolute fucking superstar.
47:06Stay to this car, though, eh?
47:08Christ.
47:09You took the insurance?
47:10What do you mean you're going back to school?
47:18It's a school reunion.
47:19Let's get smashed!
47:20Meet me in the science club.
47:22That body was destined to be in a leotard on a stage.
47:25You look like you want to hit me.
47:28I was bullied there, too.
47:29I could get TJ, and you could get mine.
47:31I think Carver on it is about to do something really stupid.
47:36What the f...
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