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00:00This is a travesty. You know not what you do. Just let them rest in peace. A curse on whoever
00:15is responsible for this. A curse upon their descendants. She's beautiful, isn't she? The
00:24centerpiece of my new farm-to-table menu, the blue heirloom squash grown from seed right
00:30here at Woodstone. Have you ever seen anything like her? Sam, do not leave Batman alone with
00:34this cash kettle. Jay is very excited about the fall menu. We really want to get the restaurant
00:38back on track. Yeah, and since we don't have Satan or any of his dark powers helping us,
00:42I had to do something splashy. Nothing more splashy than old squash. Guess who just sold
00:49four more tickets to our first annual Halloween Haunted House? Bela, the answer is Bela.
00:54She's also forcing the kitchen staff to work the event, which warmed my labor-exploiting
00:58heart. I still think it's crazy you're resorting to a bunch of fake blood and fakakta costumes
01:02when you got the real deal right here, baby. We're ghosts. Yeah, but your guys' stuff isn't
01:06exactly scary. Excuse me? Don't poke the ghosts, Sam. Hey, I can move a Dixie cup a little bit
01:12if I try real hard. And my humming can be heard in the world of the living, if the room tone
01:15is quiet enough. And if you wait until St. Patrick's Day, now why do I even bother?
01:20Thor have the power to harness electricity. Strike fear under the hardest of hearts.
01:28Oh, was that Thor? See? Bela, terrified. Tremble before Thor.
01:37Hey, Bela, thanks so much for taking the lead with all the haunted house stuff.
01:40Yeah, I just wish the house was a little spookier. I mean, it's derelict, that's good,
01:45but I feel like we could use some more creepy decorations or something. Well, there's a bunch
01:49of creepy stuff in the basement. We can bring some of that crap up here.
01:52Excuse you, son of... Crap!
01:54Jay, it was a little insensitive to refer to Hetty's family heirlooms that way.
01:58Insensitive? Her husband tried to kill me and drag me to hell. Come on, Sam.
02:03You would never treat me like this.
02:05I'm telling you, get rid of that thing, Sam. Puree it, chuck it, just get it out of the damn house!
02:09Gosh, I love a good haunted house. The peeled grapes that are supposed to be eyeballs, the
02:15zombie brains that are just cold spaghetti.
02:17Zombies are a trip, man. Can you imagine being dead, but still, like, walking around and stuff?
02:24Yeah, that's really hard to picture. No matter what they do, this home will never be more frightening
02:29than the scariest house of all. The U.S. House of Representatives.
02:33Because of the dysfunction.
02:38How wonderful it is to see you all.
02:40Hi, Nigel. You're in a good mood.
02:42Well, it is All Hallows' Eve, which means we can bring back a ghost who's been sucked off.
02:48And I plan on bringing back Chris, the skydiving exotic dancer who stole my heart.
02:53Right, because he was sucked off, as we all remember and lament. Right, guys?
02:58That is the story that I heard and have no reason to question.
03:00Although, um, here's the thing, and you might not have been aware of this, Nigel, but in
03:06order for a ghost to come back, the living who's doing the seance must have an object
03:10that the ghost had on their person when they died.
03:14Oh, dear. No, I didn't realize that was necessary.
03:18Yes, and we don't have such an object, so I guess there's nothing we can do except just
03:22go on with our afterlives and never think of this again.
03:27Oh.
03:27But what about the Pima straws the stripper died with?
03:29Excuse me?
03:31He was going to pass them out to the bachelorette party, but then Sam took them off his dead
03:34body and kept them.
03:36Why would she do that?
03:37I don't know.
03:38She's a secret freak.
03:39Stop shaming her, you square.
03:40Well, this is outstanding news.
03:42Yes, so great.
03:44Oh, thank you, Flower.
03:47I shall go talk to Samantha forthwith.
03:50It's been a hard few months, but it appears my luck has started to turn.
03:56Flower, what have you done?
03:57You mean like ever?
03:59That's a toughie.
04:00Um, acid, quaaludes.
04:02I smoked a toad once.
04:03No, I was lying when I said that Chris got sucked off.
04:06As you all know, he floated away on his own accord and Nigel will be crushed when he finds
04:11out.
04:12And furious at me for deceiving him.
04:15Oh, no.
04:16Okay, I have to go find Samantha to get our story straight.
04:19I'm sorry.
04:23You smoked a toad?
04:24Yeah.
04:25But if I didn't, he was going to smoke me.
04:28At least that's what he told me after I smoked him.
04:32What's this weird little clamp thing?
04:34Huh?
04:35It's an elbow clamp.
04:36Well-bred children wore them during adolescence to ensure their elbows stayed nice and pointed.
04:40Oh, that's terrible.
04:41Says the girl with the rounded baker's elbows.
04:43I don't know what kind of theme Bela's working with here, but this Egyptian stuff looks pretty
04:47real.
04:48That because it is real.
04:49There are actual mummy in there.
04:51We were the first in the colony to have one, which was very important as the Vanderbilts
04:55had just acquired the skull of a pig boy.
04:57Yeah, you can't be out pig-boyed.
04:59Jay, apparently that's a real mummy in that sarcophagus that Hedy somehow acquired.
05:03That doesn't sound like something we should have.
05:05Still very cool, though.
05:07We bought it from an unscrupulous antiquities dealer in the early 1890s.
05:11Back then, mummies were all the rage.
05:14Their rapping's a popular cure-all.
05:16She ate his toe.
05:17Poor watch.
05:18Was gross.
05:20People ate mummies?
05:20Oh, yeah.
05:21Never did much for my insomnia, though, to be fair.
05:24At the time, I was consuming cocaine by the hillock.
05:26Oh, it comes with a manual.
05:28Ooh, are these hieroglyphics?
05:29I got an app for this.
05:31He pays $29 a month for that, and this is the first time he's used it.
05:34The Egyptian Book of the Dead?
05:37Dope.
05:38Oh, thou only one who shinest from the moon, when Tuat is opened to the gods, let me come
05:44forth to do his pleasure upon earth amidst the living.
05:49Greetings.
05:51I am Amenhotep, son of Horem, Habe, and Merisang.
05:54Oh, my God.
05:56What happened to his toe?
05:59I'm sorry.
06:00What just happened?
06:01Uh, Jay, when I just read that thing, an Egyptian ghost came out of the mummy.
06:05What?
06:06How?
06:07Perhaps I could shed some light on the matter?
06:09The mummy's going to explain.
06:11Sorry, I'm Sam.
06:12I'm a living, but I can see and talk to ghosts.
06:14My husband, Jay, can't.
06:15Pretty hard to see on that cant there, Sam.
06:17Felt aggressive.
06:183,000 years ago, when I died, the priest who was supposed to oversee my mummification rituals
06:23was waylaid, and his replacement was not what you would call experienced.
06:29You got a second string.
06:30Priest, continue.
06:31The rituals were performed incorrectly, and as such, my spirit was confined to my mummified
06:36corpse.
06:37Jay, you better fire up the ghost notes.
06:39This one is a doozy.
06:40Much later, I was stolen from my tomb in Egypt and transported to a strange land.
06:46A despicable family known as the Woodstones paraded me around like a trophy at their parties
06:51and even ate my toe.
06:55Thor, sir, was gross.
06:57Who is Thor?
06:58Thor.
06:59Thor.
07:00Thor.
07:00Thor.
07:00Thor.
07:01Uh, how did you learn English?
07:03I was unable to see my surroundings, but from inside my wrappings, I could hear what was
07:09going on.
07:10Slowly, I learned the language of this land.
07:12So if you were to ever hear the voice of a Woodstone...
07:15I would recognize it instantly.
07:18Their evil cadence is burned into my brain.
07:20If I were ever to encounter a Woodstone, I would take revenge by raining pestilence and
07:27death down upon them.
07:28Well, good thing there are no Woodstones here anymore.
07:32What?
07:33There aren't, Jay.
07:35They're all gone, right?
07:36Yep.
07:37No more Woodstones.
07:38That is good.
07:39Forgive me.
07:40I have not asked your names.
07:41Oh, well, you've already met the livings here and Thor and Trevor and I'm Alberta and
07:48um, this is...
07:50Oh, hi.
07:54Hiya.
07:55I'm Marge, don't you know?
07:57I died at a costume party in 1995.
08:00So nice to meet ya.
08:04Wait, why were you doing an impression of the cop lady from Fargo?
08:07It was the first thing that came to mind.
08:09I don't know why.
08:10When you encounter a man whose digits you've consumed, you panic.
08:13Okay, wait.
08:14So this mummy ghost, if he finds out that Hedy's the one who brought his remains over from Egypt
08:18and that you're one of her descendants, he's gonna...
08:20I'm sorry.
08:21What was the quote?
08:22Uh, rain, pestilence, and death down upon us.
08:25That's hard to misinterpret.
08:26Oh, where the hell did he come from?
08:29I hate this haunted house.
08:31Gabe, we're not haunted house customers.
08:34It's Sam and Jay, your employers.
08:36Oh, my bad.
08:38In my defense, I'm pretty baked.
08:41That's not the best defense.
08:43This isn't good.
08:44It's only a matter of time before Amenhotep figures out that Hedy and I are woodstones
08:48and then...
08:49Then what?
08:50I don't know.
08:51But we watched the mummy.
08:52It wasn't good, man.
08:54Wasn't good?
08:55It was some of Brendan Fraser's best work.
08:57Plus Rachel Feist.
08:58You want to give that review another run, Pete?
09:00It was fine.
09:01It wasn't really my thing.
09:02Okay, let's just talk this out.
09:03It was a scroll spell that unleashed him, so maybe if we do a counterspell, that'll get
09:07him back into his bandages.
09:08That's worth a shot.
09:10Pete and Alberta, you guys distract Amenhotep, take him on a tour of the mansion or whatever,
09:14while we figure out how to try to get him back in.
09:16On it?
09:16Pete, let's go.
09:17Are you mad?
09:18Oh, Pete.
09:19I was just messing with you.
09:20Okay, because I don't even think she's pretty.
09:21More like Rachel, yikes.
09:23Samantha.
09:23Uh, where have you been?
09:25I've been looking for you.
09:26I need your help.
09:27Nigel's going to ask you to summon Chris the stripper using the penis straws you kept for
09:30some reason after his demise.
09:32I did not keep the penis straws.
09:34Wait, what's happening?
09:36Chris the stripper had this package of novelty drinking straws on him when he perished, and
09:41I held on to them, thinking maybe they could be used as evidence.
09:44And when the cops laughed, I thought about returning them to his family.
09:47That's a hard call to make.
09:48Sorry your son died.
09:49And I got his penis straws if you want something to remember him by.
09:52Samantha, please, just tell Nigel that you don't have the straws.
09:55Okay.
09:56I can see this is important to you.
09:57There's more to life than a couple of penis straws, don't you know?
10:02Oh, just so you're aware, I'm not Hedy.
10:05I am Marge Gunderson, a small-town policewoman whose husband paints pictures of birds.
10:09Okay, Marge, this is crazy.
10:10You look just like my friend, Hedy.
10:13And that is Manchin.
10:15Before Manchin, they all lived here for many centuries alone.
10:19I have been trapped in my mummified corpse for 3,000 years.
10:23They took my brain out through my nose with a hook.
10:26Okay, it's not competition.
10:28You know who else looks like her brain was sucked out through her nose?
10:31Rachel Weiss.
10:32Yuck.
10:33I was just messing with you.
10:34Move on, Pete.
10:35If I could give you too a little advice, don't waste your time fighting, because you never know when fate will rip you apart.
10:42What do you mean, friend?
10:43It is a sad tale, Thor.
10:45My wife and I were entombed together, but then the woodstones stole me from our resting place.
10:51Too rich to leave me alone, too poor to buy the both of us.
10:54Oh, that's so sad.
10:57So it's true, there is a new hunky ghost.
11:00I am Aminhotep.
11:02Aminhotep.
11:03More like, I'm a tat-bat.
11:07What is that?
11:09Why is there a painting of that woman, Marge, who died at a costume party in 1995?
11:14It's not.
11:15It's not.
11:15I don't think that looks like her.
11:17Marge, what are you talking about?
11:18That's Hedy Woodstone, the lady that built the house?
11:21She doesn't know what she's talking about.
11:22Yes, I do.
11:23It's Hedy.
11:24Am I crazy?
11:26That is Hedy Woodstone?
11:29Oh.
11:30Okay, this one might work, but it says that we need an amulet blessed by a priest.
11:35Is there any chance that we have an amulet blessed by a priest around here?
11:38I don't, but I do have a stuffed albino alligator.
11:42Is that anything?
11:43No amulet, sorry, Jay.
11:44Okay, I'll keep looking.
11:45Well, well, well.
11:49Oh, hey there.
11:51Yes, I'm a stranger.
11:52The jig is up.
11:53He knows everything.
11:54Oh, Jay.
11:55Amenhotep knows about Hedy.
11:56What?
11:57Does he know that you're at Woodstone, too?
11:58What?
11:59He's also in the room.
12:00Well, you gotta lead with that.
12:02You shall pay.
12:03You shall all pay.
12:05A curse upon you.
12:06What was that?
12:13Three thousand-year-old mummy curse descending upon us.
12:16Seriously?
12:18Oh, jeez.
12:22Is that?
12:23Yeah.
12:24It's a cloud of locusts approaching.
12:26Amenhotep cursed us.
12:27They're heading straight for the garden, Sam.
12:29The entire farm-to-table menu hangs in the balance.
12:32You know, a part of me can't help but feel responsible.
12:34Oh, really?
12:36Well, I know I'm being silly.
12:39Sam?
12:40I know you get a lot on your plate right now, but Amunhotep has reanimated his mummified
12:44corpse and sent it to kill you.
12:49Oh, no.
12:53We could source the squash from elsewhere.
12:54I mean, it's a farm-to-a-table.
12:56Jay, there's actually bigger fish.
12:58Oh, I'm sorry.
12:58Bigger fish than my heirloom squash?
13:03Amanda, is that you?
13:05Great costume.
13:06No, that's not the line cook, Jay.
13:08That's the real mummy reanimated.
13:09He's trying to kill me.
13:10To the crapper!
13:14Oh, we're gonna die!
13:19Oh, we were ghosts.
13:20We can't die.
13:21Oh, but we could lose our living butler.
13:23It might be centuries before we find another freak like her.
13:26I hate this.
13:28Why do we live here?
13:30Oh, good.
13:31There you are, Samantha.
13:32I have a rather intelligent question.
13:34A little busy right now, Nigel.
13:36Oh, God.
13:37Right.
13:37Well, my thing is rather urgent, too.
13:39It's come to my attention that you're in the possession of some novelty penis straws.
13:43Oh, for God's sake.
13:44Chris didn't get sucked off, okay?
13:45He flew away.
13:46Isaac lied to you.
13:47What?
13:48Damn, Samantha.
13:50Ice cold.
13:51I'm sorry, Nigel.
13:53I see.
13:55Okay, next Halloween, we're going on vacation.
13:57Oh, poor Nigel.
13:59God's brokenhearted.
14:00Wait a minute.
14:02Broken heart?
14:03Maybe that's how we can get Amenhotep to cease this reign of terror.
14:05What do you mean, Pete?
14:06Oh, that's right.
14:07He said when he was taken from Egypt, his mummy got separated from his wife's mummy.
14:10They had been entombed together.
14:12Oh, jeez, Hedy.
14:13You couldn't spring for the pair?
14:15It was just very expensive to bring both.
14:17And I mean, two mummies.
14:19That's a little show-offy.
14:20You had a pearl toilet.
14:22Jay, I think I know how he can write things with Amenhotep.
14:25Wait, can you hear that?
14:27Silence.
14:28I think the mummy gave up.
14:34Oh, yes, it's gone.
14:36Oh.
14:37This isn't that scary.
14:45Oh, well, just you wait.
14:50I'm sorry.
14:51Did you scream?
14:53It was scary.
14:55You knew it was coming, man.
14:56Isaac.
14:56I spoke with Samantha about the straws.
15:00Oh.
15:01Oh.
15:02What did she say?
15:02She has the straws and will perform the seance straight away.
15:05What?
15:08Does that surprise you?
15:09You knave.
15:10She told me the truth.
15:11Chris wasn't sucked off.
15:12He was blown.
15:14Sorry?
15:15By the wind.
15:16The parachute.
15:18Why did you lie to me?
15:19Okay, well, Samantha wasn't supposed to say that part.
15:21But yes, it's true.
15:23I lied.
15:24Unbelievable.
15:25After all you've done to me,
15:26you couldn't help but put your finger in my bullet hole
15:29and wiggle it around.
15:30Oh, trying to be flying wall,
15:33but must point out that it seemed Isaac only do what he do to Nigel to be nice
15:38so that you not think Chris just leave you.
15:42Is that true, Isaac?
15:44Well, at the time, you were still reeling from being left at the altar.
15:48Doesn't matter by whom.
15:50You were just trying to spare my feelings.
15:52That's a bit of a surprise.
15:54Well, it shouldn't be.
15:54I care about you, Nigel.
15:57I always have.
15:59And your happiness is important to me.
16:02Thank you, Isaac.
16:03Mm-hmm.
16:04Although it does bring into focus the stark reality
16:07that the man I thought I shared a spark with
16:09couldn't even care enough about me to say goodbye.
16:13Now, I'm a sad, sad little man.
16:17You know, now that I think back,
16:20you know, Chris did mention something about a return date.
16:23Really?
16:23Mm-hmm.
16:24When?
16:26Christmas Eve.
16:28For real?
16:30No!
16:31I don't know why I said that.
16:32I just don't like the uncomfortable moments,
16:34but a course corrected in real time,
16:37and that is growth.
16:38You need help.
16:40I know.
16:42The mansion was actually built
16:44on the ruins of a cholera pest house.
16:46I'm just happy our story's getting out there.
16:53So fake.
16:54Amenhotep, please, call off the curses.
16:58Why would I do that?
16:59Because we, the Woodstones, have learned the error of our ways.
17:03I should have never separated you from your beloved.
17:06My husband and I were products of our time,
17:08but that doesn't excuse us disrespecting your remains the way we did.
17:11Though, not to toot my own horn, there were nine toes I did not eat.
17:14Hey.
17:15The point is, I'm sorry.
17:17We might be able to help right this wrong.
17:20Amenhotep, we can reunite you with your wife.
17:22Tell him, Jay.
17:23We did some research.
17:24There's this thing called the internet.
17:26Turns out you were quite a notable fellow.
17:28So notable, in fact, that we found your wife's mummy.
17:31Where is she?
17:32She's in a museum in Egypt, and you can join her along with your remains if you want.
17:38I'm going home.
17:39That's right, buddy.
17:39And I'm going to go with you.
17:41And when we get there, I can recite the incantation and free her from her mummy as well.
17:45You and your wife can finally be together.
17:49Thank you so much.
17:50What's he saying, babe?
17:51Is he happy?
17:52He's very pleased, Jay.
17:53Okay, so he's going to call off the locusts and the mummy?
17:56And the herd of rats had it your way.
17:58Oh, didn't know about the rats.
18:00They were going to eat the locusts and then prove to be a much bigger problem.
18:03I had this whole thing planned.
18:05Now, Peter, are you sure you will be able to memorize this incantation?
18:08You're talking to a guy who does a word-perfect version of Bill Murray's
18:11It-Just-Doesn't-Matter monologue from Meatballs.
18:14What is meatballs?
18:15Oh, buddy.
18:16We got a whole plane ride to Cairo.
18:18We're going to get into Rudy, the sad kid.
18:20We'll talk about Marty, the camp director,
18:22whose bed they hilariously put in the middle of the lake.
18:24Oh, and when we're done with meatballs,
18:26we'll move on to the extended Ivan Reitman universe.
18:28Can I drive through my books?
18:30Nope.
18:30Fuck.
18:31So, it all starts in a parking lot full of buses
18:34where a bunch of ragtag hormonal teenagers
18:36are about to have the summer of their lives.
18:39Yeah.
18:41It was really lovely, you guys.
18:43I did this spell, and sure enough,
18:45Amenhotep's wife came out of the mummy.
18:48Oh, the moment when they first saw each other.
18:50Tingles.
18:51Pete says it was really sweet reuniting Amenhotep and his wife.
18:54Oh, I love that.
18:55Hey, Jay.
18:56Do you hope we spend eternity together?
18:58This is a must-say-yes situation.
19:01Yes.
19:02There you go.
19:03It was a layup, but you still gotta make those.
19:05Oh, I will be sorry to retire, Marge Gunderson.
19:08But okie dokie.
19:10Say, you happen to do a Philly accent?
19:13Well, that depends on whether or not you can move that glass of water.
19:18Say more.
19:19I saw in a boob tube that eagles are gonna be good this year.
19:22Yeah.
19:23Let's go through batteries with Santa Claus.
19:25Mm-hmm.
19:25You like that?
19:26Mm-hmm.
19:27Mm-hmm.
19:28Mm-hmm.
19:29Mm-hmm.
19:30Mm-hmm.
19:31Mm-hmm.
19:32Mm-hmm.
19:33Mm-hmm.
19:34Mm-hmm.
19:35Mm-hmm.
19:36Mm-hmm.
19:37Mm-hmm.
19:38Mm-hmm.
19:39Mm-hmm.
19:40Mm-hmm.
19:41Mm-hmm.
19:42Mm-hmm.
19:43Mm-hmm.
19:44Mm-hmm.
19:45Mm-hmm.
19:46Mm-hmm.
19:47Mm-hmm.
19:48Mm-hmm.
19:49Mm-hmm.
19:50Mm-hmm.
19:51Mm-hmm.
19:52Mm-hmm.
19:53Mm-hmm.
19:54Mm-hmm.
19:55Mm-hmm.
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