Skip to playerSkip to main content
Love and Death (1975) Full Movie | Woody Allen Comedy
Love and Death is an American comedy film written and directed by Woody Allen. The story is set in 19th-century Russia and follows the misadventures of Boris Grushenko, a cowardly intellectual, and his cousin Sonja, as they navigate love, family, and war.

Cast: Woody Allen as Boris Grushenko
Diane Keaton as Sonja
George Touliatos as Nikolai
Harold Gould as Anton lvey
Olga Georges-Picot as Countess Natalya

#LoveAndDeath1975, #WoodyAllen, #ComedyClassic, #RussianSetting, #PhilosophicalComedy, #movies, #film, #movie, #cinema, #films, #hollywood, #actor, #s, #love, #art, #cinematography, #netflix, #horror, #actress, #moviescenes, #music, #filmmaking, #cinephile, #tv, #horrormovies, #bollywood, #comedy, #movienight, #photography, #cine, #instagood, #instagram, #director, #moviereview, #drama, #AdultMovies, #RomanceMovies, #SexMovies, #XXX, #XX,


Genre: Comedy, Romance,
Runtime: 85 min.

Transcript
00:00:00You
00:00:30You
00:01:00You
00:01:30How I got into this predicament, I'll never know.
00:01:55Absolutely incredible.
00:01:57To be executed for a crime I never committed.
00:02:01Of course, isn't all mankind in the same boat?
00:02:04Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed?
00:02:08The difference is that all men go eventually, but I go six o'clock tomorrow morning.
00:02:13I was supposed to go at five o'clock, but I have a smart lawyer.
00:02:16Got leniency.
00:02:18I have a tremendous yearning to be young again.
00:02:21A boy.
00:02:23Such happy memories at our summer house.
00:02:26Uncle Nikolai with his wonderful laugh.
00:02:28God, he was repulsive.
00:02:39Then there was grandpa and grandma, who had been married for 50 years and still felt as deeply about one another as the day they met.
00:02:46And my own father, a handsome and generous man.
00:02:52In addition to our summer and winter estate, he owned a valuable piece of land.
00:02:57True, it was a small piece, but he carried it with him wherever he went.
00:03:00Dmitri Pietrovich, I would like to buy your land.
00:03:06This land is not for sale.
00:03:09Someday, I hope to build on it.
00:03:12He was an idiot, but I loved him.
00:03:16Then there was mother, who made the most delicious blintzes in the world.
00:03:19Of course, there was old Gregor and his son, young Gregor.
00:03:26Oddly enough, young Gregor's son was older than old Gregor.
00:03:29Nobody could figure out how that happened.
00:03:31My two brothers, Ivan and Mikhail, used to play amusing little games, but I had a completely different concept of myself as a child.
00:03:42My first experience with death was with one of our serfs, Old Nahamkin.
00:03:48Old Nahamkin was on the roof putting up a lightning rod when a storm broke out.
00:03:51After he failed to show up for dinner, mother went to look for him.
00:03:57What is it, Old Nahamkin?
00:03:59You are not looking well.
00:04:01Are you okay?
00:04:02You feel all right?
00:04:04We laid Old Nahamkin to rest, and that night I had a strange and vivid dream.
00:04:21I knew that after that dream, I would not grow up to be an ordinary man.
00:04:38I had many conversations with Father Nikolai, who was always dressed in black with a black beard.
00:04:44For years, I thought he was an Italian widow.
00:04:46Every action has a cause.
00:04:48The universe exists, therefore it has a cause.
00:04:50It follows God created the universe, therefore he exists.
00:04:54And yet Spinoza didn't believe in the Holy Trinity.
00:04:57Spinoza was a Jew.
00:04:58What's a Jew?
00:04:59You never saw a Jew.
00:05:01Here, I have some sketches.
00:05:05There are Jews.
00:05:06No kidding.
00:05:08They all have these horns?
00:05:10No, this is the Russian Jew.
00:05:12The German Jew has these stripes.
00:05:15I recall my first mystical vision.
00:05:18I was walking through the woods thinking about Christ.
00:05:20If he was a carpenter, I wondered what he charged for bookshelves.
00:05:25Suddenly...
00:05:26Who are you?
00:05:28Death.
00:05:29What happens after we die?
00:05:32Is there a hell?
00:05:33Is there a God?
00:05:35Do we live again?
00:05:38All right.
00:05:39Let me ask one key question.
00:05:42Are there girls?
00:05:44You're an interesting young man.
00:05:47We'll meet again.
00:05:49Don't bother.
00:05:50It's no bother.
00:05:53I grew to full manhood.
00:05:55Actually, five foot six, which is technically not full manhood in Russia, but you can still own property.
00:06:01Over five three, you can own land.
00:06:02Under five three, you need special permission from the Tsar.
00:06:05We were three healthy men.
00:06:31My brother, Ivan.
00:06:35My brother, Mikhail.
00:06:39And myself.
00:06:47Finally, there was my cousin, Sonia.
00:06:49In addition to being the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, she was one of the few people I could have deep conversations with.
00:06:58Boris, look at this leaf.
00:07:01Isn't it perfect?
00:07:03And this one?
00:07:04Look.
00:07:04Oh, yeah.
00:07:06Yes, I definitely think that this is the best of all possible worlds.
00:07:10It's certainly the most expensive.
00:07:12Isn't nature incredible?
00:07:15To me, nature is, you know, I don't know, spiders and bugs and big fish eating little fish and plants eating plants and animals eating.
00:07:25It's like an enormous restaurant.
00:07:26That's the way I see it.
00:07:27Yes, but if God created it, it has to be beautiful, even if his plants not appear to us at the moment.
00:07:33But, Sonia, what if there is no God?
00:07:36Boris Dimitrovich, are you joking?
00:07:38What if we're just a bunch of absurd people who are running around with no rhyme or reason?
00:07:44But if there is no God, then life has no meaning.
00:07:47Why go on living?
00:07:48Why not just commit suicide?
00:07:50Well, let's not get hysterical.
00:07:51I could be wrong.
00:07:53I'd hate to blow my brains out and then read in the papers they found something.
00:07:56Boris, let me show you how absurd your position is.
00:07:59All right, let's say that there is no God and each man is free to do exactly as he chooses.
00:08:05Well, what prevents you from murdering somebody?
00:08:08Well, murder is immoral.
00:08:09Immorality is subjective.
00:08:11Yes, but subjectivity is objective.
00:08:14Not in any rational scheme of perception.
00:08:16Perception is irrational.
00:08:17It implies imminence.
00:08:18But judgment of any system or a priori relation of phenomena exists in any rational or metaphysical or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstract and empirical concept such as being or to be or to occur in the thing itself or of the thing itself.
00:08:34Yeah, I've said that many times.
00:08:36Boris, we must believe in God.
00:08:39If I could just see a miracle, just one miracle, if I could see a burning bush or the sea's pod or my Uncle Sasha pick up a check.
00:08:53We should go back downstairs.
00:08:57By now, the last golden streaks of the sunset are vanishing behind the western hills.
00:09:03Soon, the dark blanket of night shall settle over us all.
00:09:06Hey, you've been going to finishing school.
00:09:12Hey, are you, uh, are you dating any Russians I should know about?
00:09:17Well, Minskoff has proposed, and he's very sweet and wealthy, but the age difference is too great.
00:09:24I'm 28 and he's 81.
00:09:25Oh, that is big.
00:09:26When I'm 50, he'll be, uh, 103.
00:09:30That's a bad age for men.
00:09:31They slow up a lot.
00:09:32Oh, and Volskebeck has made his intentions clear.
00:09:34But he deals in herring, and he always smells of herring.
00:09:37Do you know he even bought me herring-scented cologne?
00:09:40Really?
00:09:40That's probably where the cat follows you around.
00:09:42Love is everything, Boris.
00:09:44I, I want to meet some man and scale the heights of passion.
00:09:48Some man who embodies the three great aspects of love.
00:09:53Intellectual, spiritual, and sensual.
00:09:56Well, there's, there's not too many of us around, but it can be done.
00:10:01So many women settle cheaply.
00:10:02I know, poor things.
00:10:04They marry for money.
00:10:05Money.
00:10:06Well, money.
00:10:08But I tell you, I feel as though my life would be wasted if I didn't love deeply with a man
00:10:12whose mind I respected, whose spirituality equaled mine,
00:10:17and who had the same, oh, lustful appetite for sensual passion that drives me insane.
00:10:23You're an incredibly complex woman.
00:10:25I guess you could say I'm half saint, half whore.
00:10:30You're just hoping I get the half that eats.
00:10:32Boris.
00:10:33Yes?
00:10:34I have a confession to make.
00:10:36Yes?
00:10:37Ever since you and I were little children,
00:10:39Yes.
00:10:40I've been in love with your brother, Yvonne.
00:10:43All right, let's call him that.
00:10:45Yvonne?
00:10:46You're kidding.
00:10:47He can barely write his name on the ground with a stick.
00:10:50He has true animal magnetism.
00:10:52Animal magnetism?
00:10:53All that talk about some perfect love and you're hot for Yvonne?
00:10:56He kissed me.
00:10:57Any place I should know?
00:10:58It warmed the cockles of my heart.
00:11:00That's just great.
00:11:01Nothing like hot cockles.
00:11:02I think he's going to ask me to marry him.
00:11:04But he's a gambler and a drinker.
00:11:06He's got a Neanderthal mentality.
00:11:08Don't get me wrong.
00:11:09I love him like a brother.
00:11:10Just not one of mine.
00:11:11Wait.
00:11:12You hear that commotion?
00:11:13What is that going on downstairs?
00:11:15Have you heard the news?
00:11:17Napoleon has invaded Austria.
00:11:18Why?
00:11:19Is he out of Courvoisier?
00:11:20At last.
00:11:21A chance to taste the glories of battle.
00:11:23Well, check with you when it's over.
00:11:24I'll be in the game room.
00:11:25No, Boris.
00:11:26You're going to fight.
00:11:27I'm going to fight?
00:11:28You're going to have your head examined.
00:11:29We leave the day after tomorrow.
00:11:32Fellas, I'm a pacifist.
00:11:33I don't believe in war.
00:11:34He doesn't believe in war, eh?
00:11:36Ha!
00:11:37Napoleon, eh?
00:11:38He believes in war.
00:11:39What are you going to do when the French soldiers rape your sister?
00:11:43I don't have a sister.
00:11:44That's no answer.
00:11:45Well, who are they going to rape?
00:11:46Yvonne?
00:11:46They'll throw up.
00:11:47Don't disgrace me in front of my friends.
00:11:50Piss, what good is war?
00:11:51We kill a few Frenchmen.
00:11:52They kill a few Russians.
00:11:53Next thing you know, it's Easter.
00:11:54Boris, you can't be serious.
00:11:55You're talking about Mother Russia.
00:11:57She's not my mother.
00:11:58My mother's standing right here,
00:11:59and she's not going to let her youngest baby get shrapnel in his gums.
00:12:02Get away from me!
00:12:03I can't believe what I'm seeing.
00:12:06Our brother has a yellow streak down his back.
00:12:09No, it's not down.
00:12:09Runs across.
00:12:10Boris, you're a coward.
00:12:11Yes, but I'm a militant coward.
00:12:13Boris.
00:12:14Mathers will get mothers.
00:12:17Take it easy, Yvonne.
00:12:18You've got to cut down on your raw meat.
00:12:20He'll go and he'll fight.
00:12:22And I hope they will put him in the front lines.
00:12:26Thanks a lot, Mom.
00:12:27My mother, folks.
00:12:30This is crazy.
00:12:31I can't shoot a gun.
00:12:33I was meant to write poetry.
00:12:35Sonia, I'm not the army type.
00:12:36I slept with a light on in my room till I was 30.
00:12:38I can't shower with other men.
00:12:41Friends, my friends.
00:12:44On the eve of this glorious occasion,
00:12:46I have an announcement to make.
00:12:49Because we go into battle,
00:12:52perhaps never to see our loved ones again,
00:12:55I wish to announce that tomorrow I intend to marry.
00:12:59I'm going to take as my bride
00:13:03a woman I have grown up with.
00:13:06And not Ivanova.
00:13:10Oh, Yvonne.
00:13:12I'm sorry.
00:13:13I should have told you.
00:13:18I also have an announcement to make.
00:13:21Tomorrow I, too, get married.
00:13:23Yes, I have been proposed to
00:13:25and have accepted the hand of
00:13:27Sergei Ivanovich Minskoff.
00:13:33Oh!
00:13:36Uh, yes.
00:13:38I mean, uh,
00:13:40Leonid Voskovec,
00:13:42the herring merchant.
00:14:52You! Get out here!
00:15:05You're the worst soldier I've ever seen!
00:15:09You ignoramus!
00:15:12Ignoramus, sir.
00:15:12You want a dishonorable discharge?
00:15:14Yes, sir. Either that or a furlough.
00:15:16Goddamn you! You love Russia, don't you?
00:15:19Yes, sir.
00:15:19Louder!
00:15:20Yes, sir!
00:15:21You like it here, don't you?
00:15:22Yes, sir.
00:15:23You want to make a career out of the army, don't you?
00:15:25Well, let's not get carried away.
00:15:27From now on, you clean the mess, I'll end the latrine!
00:15:29Yes, sir. How will I tell the difference?
00:15:32Okay.
00:15:33One, two! One, two! One, two!
00:15:36Yeah, three is next, if you're having any trouble.
00:15:38One, two!
00:15:39One, two!
00:15:51One, two!
00:15:52One, two!
00:15:55One, two!
00:16:25Naturally, the war affects the herring industry.
00:16:32The ports are blockaded, and fresh shipments of the herring become more difficult to obtain.
00:16:38And of course, when something hurts herring, it hurts me.
00:16:43You see, what people don't understand is that there are hundreds of types of herring,
00:16:49each with its own interesting history.
00:16:53Sonia, are you okay?
00:16:55Oh, yes.
00:17:00But I've talked long enough.
00:17:02Why don't you two play as I have got some important business to attend to?
00:17:08A capital idea.
00:17:12Ready? And a one, and a two, and.
00:17:15You stopped.
00:17:33What would you think if I told you you were one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen?
00:17:39I'd think what a mad fool he is.
00:17:44And what would you say if I suddenly put my arms around you?
00:17:49I'd think what a mad, impetuous, wonderful fool he is.
00:17:53And what would you think if I kissed you?
00:17:56I'd think what a mad, impetuous, wonderful fool he is.
00:18:02Don't.
00:18:03I must.
00:18:04We just ate.
00:18:05Take your skin.
00:18:06It is so beautiful.
00:18:07Yes, I know.
00:18:08It covers my whole body.
00:18:09I must have you.
00:18:12No, no, no, not here.
00:18:13Not on the piano.
00:18:14It's a rented piano.
00:18:15Darling, my darling.
00:18:18Sonia.
00:18:19No.
00:18:20Sonia.
00:18:21Did you see a jar of wine sauce?
00:18:23Come to my quarters tomorrow at three.
00:18:29I can't.
00:18:30Please.
00:18:31It's immoral.
00:18:32What time?
00:18:33So who is to say what is moral?
00:18:35Morality is subjective.
00:18:37Subjectivity is objective.
00:18:39Moral notions imply attributes to substances which exist only in relational duality.
00:18:44Not as an essential extension of ontological existence.
00:18:48Can we not talk about sex so much?
00:18:50I'm terribly sorry.
00:18:53You'd better go.
00:18:54Sonia, please.
00:18:56Sonia, darling.
00:19:01Man, next week we leave for the front.
00:19:06The object will be to kill as many Frenchmen as possible.
00:19:10Naturally, they are going to try and kill as many Russians as possible.
00:19:15If we kill more Frenchmen, we win.
00:19:18If they kill more Russians, they win.
00:19:23What do we win?
00:19:25What do we win, private?
00:19:28Imagine your loved ones conquered by Napoleon and forced to live under French rule.
00:19:34Do you want them to eat that rich food and those heavy sauces?
00:19:38No.
00:19:39No.
00:19:40Do you want them to have souffle every meal and croissant?
00:19:44Now, men, because you are all getting a three-day furlough before going into battle, we would like to show you this little hygiene play.
00:19:57Goodbye.
00:19:59I hope you had a good time.
00:20:01I did.
00:20:02I had a good time.
00:20:03Oh, what's the sore on my lip?
00:20:07I better see the doctor.
00:20:10Doc, I have the sore on my lip.
00:20:12You have a social disease, my friend.
00:20:14Oh, my God.
00:20:15If you do not treat it, you will go blind.
00:20:19Or insane.
00:20:20Well, men, that is the end of the play.
00:20:27Have a good time on your furlough, but look after yourselves.
00:20:31Well, what did you think of the play?
00:20:33Oh, it was weak.
00:20:34I was never interested.
00:20:35Although the part of the doctor was played with gusto and verve, and the girl had a delightful cameo role.
00:20:40A puckish satire of contemporary mores.
00:20:42A droll spoof ain't more at the heart than the head.
00:20:44As for me, I'm planning to spend the next three days in a brothel.
00:20:47Can't you come with me?
00:20:48No, no.
00:20:49I went to a brothel once in my life.
00:20:51I got hiccups.
00:20:52You know, it was over like that.
00:20:54Besides, there's someone in St. Petersburg I'd like to visit.
00:20:56Well, have fun.
00:21:02I think you found the magic floor.
00:21:04It's Mozart's greatest opera.
00:21:06Oh, yeah, it's a hell of an opera, isn't it?
00:21:07They sell popcorn or gumdrops or something?
00:21:09We were so delighted you decided to spend your furlough with us.
00:21:12You know, you've always been our favorite nephew, even though you are an incredible coward.
00:21:17Oh, thank you so much.
00:21:20Any news of Cousin Sonia?
00:21:22Only that she and Vaskovic are unhappy and that she takes lovers.
00:21:26She takes uppers?
00:21:28Lovers.
00:21:29Lovers.
00:21:30Lovers.
00:21:31Hey, who is that?
00:21:36That's the Countess Alexandrovna, one of the most enticing women in St. Petersburg.
00:21:43Ample bosoms, yes?
00:21:45I'd say ample for a regiment.
00:21:47She's recently widowed.
00:21:49They say her husband, the Count, died in her arms trying to satisfy her prodigious sexual desires.
00:21:57No kidding.
00:21:58Died smiling, I bet.
00:22:00Who's the character with her with a wry mustache?
00:22:03That's Anton Ivanovich Lebedkov, her current lover.
00:22:07Although the way she keeps staring at you.
00:22:09I'm sure I could work something out with him.
00:22:11I'd let him warm her up for a few minutes and I could come in at the end and finish her.
00:22:15You must be careful of Anton Ivanovich.
00:22:18He has a furious temper.
00:22:20Really?
00:22:20He has killed several men in jewels, all in a jealous rage over the Countess.
00:22:26Glad you mentioned it.
00:22:28Think I'll watch the opera?
00:22:29PIANO PLAYS
00:22:39PIANO PLAYS
00:23:12Oh, there is something about Mozart.
00:23:28I think you're probably responding to his music.
00:23:32Oh, couldn't you be careful?
00:23:35Couldn't you be careful?
00:23:36I believe, I believe, I believe that the lobby of...
00:23:42Opera House is one of the most beautiful in Europe.
00:23:54Who is this attractive and mysterious soldier?
00:23:57Boris Krushenko.
00:23:59Oh, sorry. Goose, that lady.
00:24:01He has quite a sensitive face, hasn't he?
00:24:04That's just the part of me that shows.
00:24:06Krushenko.
00:24:07Isn't he the young coward all St. Petersburg is talking about?
00:24:10Not so young. I'm 35.
00:24:12The one who is so afraid for his own safety that he's reluctant to defend his country.
00:24:15He is in a bad mood, isn't he?
00:24:17What's the matter? Don't you like your seats?
00:24:19You must visit me for tea someday. I'm sure we'd have a lot to talk about.
00:24:23It's okay with me. I'll bring the tea bags.
00:24:24You could run a quick check on your erogenous zones.
00:24:27What about the Dybbuk?
00:24:28Why do you persist in taunting me in public?
00:24:32If you so much as come near the Countess, I'll see that you'll never see the light of day again.
00:24:38If a man said that to me, I'd break his neck.
00:24:40I am a man.
00:24:42Well, I mean a much shorter man.
00:24:46Boris!
00:24:48Boris Dimitrovich!
00:24:50Sonia!
00:24:50Sonia!
00:24:50Look at you. You look so handsome in your uniform.
00:24:58Well, I got a perfect build for clothes. I'm a 28 dwarf.
00:25:01And you, Sonia, my God, you look more beautiful standing here than you do in person.
00:25:06Oh, Boris, I'm so unhappy.
00:25:08Oh, I wish you weren't.
00:25:09Boscovich and I quarrel frequently. I've become a scandal.
00:25:13Poor Sonia.
00:25:14For the past weeks, I've visited Saretsky in his room.
00:25:17Why? What's in his room?
00:25:19Oh.
00:25:21And before Saretsky, Alexei.
00:25:23And before Alexei, Allegorian.
00:25:25And before Allegorian, Asimov.
00:25:27Okay.
00:25:27Wait, I'm still on the A's.
00:25:29How many lovers do you have?
00:25:31In the Midtown area?
00:25:33Oh, Sonia.
00:25:34Boris, my life is ruined. Over.
00:25:37I can't stand Boscovich.
00:25:40He's a man whose mentality has reduced all the beauty of the world to a small pickled fish.
00:25:45Sonia, what you need is somebody to take you away from Boscovich.
00:25:49Somebody who loves you.
00:25:50Somebody who's always loved you and has always cared for you very deeply.
00:25:54How is your brother Ivan?
00:25:57Oh, Ivan...
00:25:59You all right?
00:26:00Yes?
00:26:01Ivan as well?
00:26:02You know Ivan. He's a tiger.
00:26:03He went through basic training in two weeks.
00:26:05They made him a major.
00:26:06And does he ever speak of me?
00:26:08Sonia, he's busy.
00:26:09Well, he must. He must speak of me sometimes. He must.
00:26:12Take it easy, will you? This is army property.
00:26:15He... he... once he was sick. He... he was delirious. He called your name out.
00:26:20Really? Then there's hope.
00:26:22Look, tomorrow my regiment pulls out. We're going to the front.
00:26:26We're badly outnumbered by the French.
00:26:28There's very little chance that any of us will ever come back.
00:26:30Exactly what did he say about me?
00:26:33Sonia.
00:26:34Uh, now where'd you say you were going?
00:26:36Oh, yes. Oh, yes, the war.
00:26:38Well, uh, dress warmly, Boris, and have a nice time.
00:26:52The idea is not to panic and run.
00:26:55Then they shoot you in the back.
00:26:56I don't want to be trampled by a horse.
00:26:59What about you, Boris?
00:27:00Yeah, I want to be trampled by a horse. I don't even want to fight.
00:27:02You think there's any difference whether we live under the Tsar or Napoleon?
00:27:05They're both crooks. The Tsar's a little taller.
00:27:08So, if you don't like Napoleon and you don't like the Tsar,
00:27:12who do you think should be running the country?
00:27:14You really want to know? The serfs.
00:27:15Oh, the serfs?
00:27:17That's right. They're the only ones who know how to do anything.
00:27:18If a fence needs putting up or a picture needs hanging, it's always the serfs.
00:27:22He wants the serfs to run the country.
00:27:25Why not the criminal element? Or the Jews?
00:27:28Well, some Jews are smart.
00:27:30Although I hear their women don't believe in sex after marriage.
00:27:33Are you married, Boris?
00:27:35Me, no.
00:27:36You got a sweetheart?
00:27:37No, no. I'm in love with a girl.
00:27:39She's married to someone, and she's in love with someone, and he's married.
00:27:42It's a real healthy situation.
00:27:44Hey, look, Boris. Look, look.
00:27:46What do you got there?
00:27:47I got a lock of my wife's hair.
00:27:49A lock of her hair?
00:27:51Gee, she's probably running around bald.
00:27:53Don't drop it. Don't drop it.
00:27:55You got a lock of your sweetheart's hair?
00:27:57No, my sweetheart's married.
00:27:58I got a lock of her husband's hair.
00:28:00It's the best I could do.
00:28:01Boy, this army cooking will get you every time.
00:28:10There's Vijinsky.
00:28:11He was from my village.
00:28:13He was the village idiot.
00:28:14Yeah, what'd you do? Place?
00:28:16Oh, God is testing us.
00:28:20He's going to test us.
00:28:21Why doesn't he give us a written?
00:28:22Why doesn't he give us a written?
00:28:52Well, that looks completely different when you're in the middle of it
00:29:04than it does to the generals up on the hill.
00:29:05Well, that looks completely different when you're in the middle of it
00:29:08than it does to the generals up on the hill.
00:29:22Hey, get your red hearts.
00:29:31Yeah, you got anything to drink?
00:29:33No, no, the guy with the beer will be around in a second.
00:29:35Hey, fella, you got something small in that?
00:29:37I just started.
00:29:38We started the battle with 12,000 men.
00:30:02When it was over, we had 14 survivors.
00:30:06We got a message from the Tsar saying, keep up the good work.
00:30:09That night, as I was burying bodies, I had another mystical experience.
00:30:14Mercifully, God was on our side.
00:30:17Yeah.
00:30:17I'm sure things could have gone a lot worse if he wasn't.
00:30:19Might have rained.
00:30:20Grushenko.
00:30:22Vladimir Maksimovich, you're alive.
00:30:25No, I'm dead.
00:30:26Look at this hole.
00:30:27Oh.
00:30:28Does it hurt?
00:30:29I feel nothing.
00:30:30Man, you don't look so bad for a guy who's dead.
00:30:32Actually, better than when you were alive.
00:30:34I think it agrees with you.
00:30:35So do me a favor.
00:30:36Sure, anything.
00:30:37This engagement ring.
00:30:38Uh-huh.
00:30:39I was going to give it to my girlfriend, a surprise.
00:30:41Oh, you want me to give it to her?
00:30:42No, what's the point?
00:30:44I'll take it back to the jewelers in Smolensk.
00:30:46Right.
00:30:47Petrosznik, Vladimir Petrosznik.
00:30:48Okay.
00:30:49Tell him I'm dead and get the deposit back.
00:30:51Oh, okay, sure.
00:30:52What'd you give him for this?
00:30:531,600 rubles.
00:30:54For this, you gave him 1,600 rubles.
00:30:56Oh, look, this is a diamond here.
00:30:58It's two little baguettes there.
00:30:59This is insane.
00:31:00I could have gotten you this ring for 1,200.
00:31:01Not this.
00:31:02Same ring with the baguettes.
00:31:03Never that ring.
00:31:03The exact same ring.
00:31:05Never.
00:31:05Listen, anyway, listen.
00:31:07Take the deposit.
00:31:08Go to Kiev.
00:31:09Right.
00:31:10Give it to a woman named Natasha Petrovna.
00:31:13Right, okay.
00:31:13Get a receipt.
00:31:14Make sure you get a receipt.
00:31:16What do you need a receipt?
00:31:17You're dead.
00:31:17Tax purposes.
00:31:19Oh, good thinking.
00:31:22What happened?
00:31:23He was cleaning his pistol and it went off.
00:31:26The bullet has lodged in his heart.
00:31:28Is it serious?
00:31:29With proper medical care, it could last another 10 minutes.
00:31:35Why?
00:31:36Why were you cleaning your pistol?
00:31:37I was going to fight a duel to defend your armor.
00:31:44A Turkish cavalry officer cast aspersions on it.
00:31:48He said you were sleeping around.
00:31:50I knew he was lying.
00:31:52I knew he was lying.
00:31:52I knew he was lying.
00:31:53That you were pure.
00:32:06Yes, well, I know I could have been a better wife to you.
00:32:12Kinder.
00:32:13I could have made love with you more often, or once even.
00:32:17Once would have been nice.
00:32:20You were a kind and loving husband.
00:32:23Generous and always considerate.
00:32:26What's he got, about eight minutes?
00:32:28I think I'm slow.
00:32:29He's got about three.
00:32:32Swimming out to the open sea, like the great wild herring.
00:32:37I realize this must be a great blow to you, Sonia.
00:32:44But you must not allow yourself to be consumed with grief.
00:32:50The dead pass on.
00:32:52And life is for the living.
00:32:56I guess you're right.
00:32:57What do you want to eat?
00:32:59Let's go to Rekos.
00:33:01No, no, no, not Rekos.
00:33:02I feel like meat, right?
00:33:03What do you get at Rekos?
00:33:04You get the cheese and meat.
00:33:05There's a tavern at the edge of the square that makes a sausage that's wonderful.
00:33:12Meanwhile, the war continued.
00:33:14My regiment had been wiped out, and I found myself lost behind enemy lines.
00:33:20I panicked and hid where I could.
00:33:22Then I fainted.
00:33:24When I came to, I realized I had made a terrible mistake.
00:33:28I'm going to be right back.
00:33:58As fate would have it, I landed on a group of French generals
00:34:09causing their immediate surrender and making me a hero.
00:34:12My brother Ivan was not so lucky.
00:34:15He was a fatality of war.
00:34:17He had been bayoneted to death by a Polish conscientious objector.
00:34:28You're praying for Ivan?
00:34:30Yes, your husband.
00:34:33I loved him, as you know.
00:34:36I wanted you to have some of his possessions.
00:34:40How kind.
00:34:42I kept his sword and gold watch.
00:34:48But here, I'm giving you his mustache.
00:34:54I'll cherish it.
00:34:58Also, some string.
00:35:03Ivan saved string.
00:35:05I know.
00:35:06It was one of the reasons why I loved him.
00:35:09I understand that.
00:35:12I loved him for his string, too.
00:35:16Anything else for me?
00:35:19I thought we should divide his letters.
00:35:24Do you want the vowels or the consonants?
00:35:28His vowels.
00:35:29You keep the consonants.
00:35:33Life is unbearable.
00:35:35So we meet again.
00:35:39Countess Alexandrovna.
00:35:40I wish there was some way I could show you my gratitude for what you've done for Russia.
00:35:46I may be able to think of something.
00:35:48Maybe we could meet in my room later this evening.
00:35:51As you wish.
00:35:52Plus five minutes.
00:35:53Well, what have we here?
00:35:56Oh, still dating Laughing Boy, huh?
00:35:58Back from the war, I see.
00:35:59Yes.
00:36:00I'd have stayed longer, but they ran out of medals.
00:36:02I understand your heroism was quite inadvertent.
00:36:06You should have such inadvertent heroism.
00:36:08That's telling me.
00:36:09Are you going to waste your time conversing with this strutting ass?
00:36:12Careful.
00:36:13I think it's a trick question.
00:36:14Fetch my carriage, Anton de Biddecoff.
00:36:16I'll join you momentarily.
00:36:19Nice seeing you again, Quasimodo.
00:36:21Oh.
00:36:22My room at midnight?
00:36:24Perfect.
00:36:25Will you be there, too?
00:36:26Naturally.
00:36:27Until midnight, then.
00:36:28Midnight.
00:36:29Midnight.
00:36:29Make it a quarter to twelve.
00:36:33Midnight.
00:36:34Midnight, of course.
00:36:35Horace, you hardly touched your blimey.
00:36:37Oh, yes.
00:36:37Well, I've been sick, you know.
00:36:44Come in.
00:36:54How'd you like it?
00:36:56It's all right.
00:36:56I prefer something sexy, but you...
00:36:59Would you like some wine?
00:37:03Something to put you in the mood?
00:37:05Oh, I've been in the mood since the late 1700s.
00:37:10You're disgusting, but I love you.
00:37:13Well, my disgustingness is my best feature.
00:37:16It must be lonely at the front.
00:37:20How long has it been since you've made love to a woman?
00:37:23Uh, what's today?
00:37:25Uh, Monday, Tuesday...
00:37:27Uh, two years.
00:37:28Two years?
00:37:29You remember how, of course?
00:37:31Well, if you stop me, it'll all come back.
00:37:38Remember that?
00:37:39Yes, it was just like kissing, right?
00:37:58You're the greatest lover I've ever had.
00:38:01Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.
00:38:04Shall we say pistols at dawn?
00:38:15Well, we can say it.
00:38:17I don't know what it means, but we can say it.
00:38:18You have insulted the honor of Countess Alexandrovna.
00:38:20Why?
00:38:20I let her finish first?
00:38:22Her seconds will call on you.
00:38:24Her seconds?
00:38:24I never gave her seconds.
00:38:25As her fiancé, my seconds will call on your seconds.
00:38:28Well, my seconds will be out.
00:38:30Have them call on my thirds.
00:38:31If my thirds are out, go directly to my fourths.
00:38:35Boris, he's serious.
00:38:37You must meet him on the field of honor.
00:38:38I'm not going to do it with him.
00:38:39He's a marksman and a killer.
00:38:41Your honor is at stake.
00:38:43Hey, what is this?
00:38:44Slap Boris Day?
00:38:45You are a war hero.
00:38:47Surely a duel with Anton Liberakov is nothing to fear.
00:38:50Look, I just don't want to waste a good bullet.
00:38:52That's all.
00:38:53The kid's wrapped.
00:38:53She doesn't know what he's saying.
00:38:54I'll drop by his house later and give him a chance to apologize.
00:38:57If he doesn't, I'll move to Finland.
00:39:01Guess who?
00:39:09Oh, I know those hands anywhere.
00:39:13It's all in the Hamkins.
00:39:15No.
00:39:17It's...
00:39:18Boris?
00:39:19Yes.
00:39:19Oh.
00:39:20How are you?
00:39:21I bought you a present.
00:39:22What?
00:39:22Oh, what?
00:39:23You know those earrings you always wanted?
00:39:25The long ones?
00:39:27Cousin Boris.
00:39:28Twice removed.
00:39:30By tomorrow morning, I may be removed completely.
00:39:32What is it?
00:39:33You look so worried.
00:39:34Oh.
00:39:35Sonia, are you scared of dying?
00:39:39Scared is the wrong word.
00:39:41I'm frightened of it.
00:39:43Oh.
00:39:44It's an interesting distinction.
00:39:47Oh.
00:39:47If only God would give me some sign.
00:39:50If he would just speak to me once.
00:39:53Anything.
00:39:53One sentence.
00:39:54Two words.
00:39:56If he would just cough.
00:39:57Of course there's a God.
00:39:59We're made in his image.
00:40:02You think I was made in God's image?
00:40:03Take a look at me.
00:40:04You think he wears glasses?
00:40:06Not with those frames.
00:40:08Nothingness.
00:40:12Non-existence.
00:40:13Black emptiness.
00:40:15What did you say?
00:40:17I was just planning my future.
00:40:20Why are you so preoccupied with death?
00:40:23Sit down with me for a second.
00:40:25Sonia, tomorrow morning I'm going to fight a duel with Anton Lebedekoff.
00:40:29He's much better than I am at it.
00:40:30And I'll probably be killed.
00:40:33And I wanted to take this time.
00:40:34If I don't see you again to say that I love you.
00:40:37Boris.
00:40:38I've always loved you ever since we were kids.
00:40:40I was heartbroken when you loved Yvonne.
00:40:41But I still love you.
00:40:42Why didn't you say something?
00:40:44Would it have mattered?
00:40:45Oh, of course not, darling.
00:40:48If by some miracle I'm not killed tomorrow.
00:40:51Would you marry me?
00:40:53What do you think the odds are?
00:40:56To die before the harvest.
00:41:00The crops, the grains.
00:41:02Fields of rippling wheat.
00:41:03Wheat, wheat.
00:41:05All there is in life is wheat.
00:41:08Sonia, here's your chance to do something kind for a dying boy.
00:41:12But I don't really love Boris.
00:41:14I mean, I love him, but I'm not in love with him.
00:41:17Oh, wheat.
00:41:18Lots of wheat.
00:41:19Fields of wheat.
00:41:20Wheat, a tremendous amount of wheat.
00:41:23And yet he loves me.
00:41:24And he would make a devoted husband.
00:41:26Not too exciting, but devoted.
00:41:28We'd have a family.
00:41:29Maybe not our own.
00:41:30We could rent one.
00:41:31I could learn to love him.
00:41:32Me, Boris, and six rented children.
00:41:35Or would I feel trapped, suffocated, can't breathe?
00:41:39Open a window.
00:41:40No, no, no, no.
00:41:40Not that one.
00:41:41The one in the bathroom.
00:41:42Yellow wheat.
00:41:43Red wheat.
00:41:44Wheat with feathers.
00:41:45Cream of wheat.
00:41:47Poor boy.
00:41:48Dueling with Anton Lebedekoff.
00:41:49By this time tomorrow morning, my beloved cousin Boris will look like a Swiss cheese.
00:41:53Promising anything.
00:41:54Make him happy for a night.
00:41:56Oh, or would I feel trapped, suffocated, my youth gone, living with a Swiss cheese and
00:42:02rented children.
00:42:03Of course I'll marry you, Boris.
00:42:05It would be an honor for me.
00:42:11Uh, this Anton Lebedekoff, he is a good shot, isn't he?
00:42:15I'm afraid so.
00:42:17Well, since this may be your last night on earth, let's go back to my room and make love.
00:42:23Oh, nice idea.
00:42:25I'll bring the soy sauce.
00:42:27I'll bring the soy sauce.
00:42:40I'll bring the soy sauce.
00:42:44Boris Kreschenko.
00:42:45If you say it's there, I'll bring the soy sauce.
00:43:00That's last.
00:43:01You're late, Boris Kreschenko.
00:43:03We thought you weren't coming.
00:43:04Well, I overslept.
00:43:06Can you be so relaxed and confident?
00:43:07Well, you know, I hate to shoot anybody before I've had my morning tea.
00:43:11I get a lot of bad mail from the serfs.
00:43:13I implore both of you, come back to your senses.
00:43:16There is still time to call it off by mutual consent with no loss of honor.
00:43:20Since you put it that way, maybe I will hop back into bed.
00:43:23We'll do it now.
00:43:25And to the death.
00:43:27Oh, no, I can't do anything to the death.
00:43:29Doctor's orders.
00:43:30I have an ulcer condition and dying is one of the worst things for it.
00:43:33Begin.
00:43:34You have been challenged.
00:43:38Choose.
00:43:40Oh.
00:43:42Sure.
00:43:45All right, I'll take these.
00:43:49Just one.
00:43:50Oh, he gets one.
00:43:52Silly.
00:43:54Starting back to back on my signal.
00:43:57You will walk ten paces, turn and fire.
00:44:01Is that clear?
00:44:02Of course.
00:44:04Good luck.
00:44:09And God be with you both.
00:44:11You listening?
00:44:19One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
00:44:30Does this come out from dry cleaning?
00:44:51Does this come out from dry cleaning, or is this like gravy?
00:44:57You must shoot.
00:44:59No, no, no, I don't want to shoot.
00:45:01You must. It's the law.
00:45:04Well, if it's the law, then I'll shoot in the air.
00:45:09There. I fulfilled my obligation.
00:45:18Boris Dimitrovich.
00:45:19I've learned a great lesson here today.
00:45:22Yes, me too. Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it.
00:45:26You could have killed me, and you didn't.
00:45:29How can I ever repay you?
00:45:31Well, you can start by getting off my toe.
00:45:34Oh, I beg your pardon.
00:45:36Boris Dimitrovich, from this day on, I will lead a new life.
00:45:40I will modify my views.
00:45:42I will preach goodness, perhaps join the church.
00:45:45I will lead a righteous life.
00:45:47I will devote myself, as I did in my childhood, to my singing.
00:45:55He's got a great voice, hasn't he?
00:45:57I should have shot him.
00:45:59And so, Sonia and I are married.
00:46:01I now pronounce you man and wife.
00:46:05Oh, I'm so happy.
00:46:08Look at the kid. She's so happy. She's speechless.
00:46:12He missed her.
00:46:13He missed her.
00:46:15He missed.
00:46:16I know what's bothering you.
00:46:27You're worried whether you're going to be a stimulating enough wife for me.
00:46:30Whether it's possible to live up to the chores and obligations of married life.
00:46:34But it's going to be a cinch.
00:46:35I promise.
00:46:36I have no bad habits at all.
00:46:38Granted, I have a few eccentricities.
00:46:40I won't eat any food that begins with the letter F.
00:46:43Like chicken, for instance.
00:46:45Boris, I just don't love you.
00:46:48Oh, Sonia.
00:46:49Oh, I mean I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
00:46:52Sonia, do you even know what love means?
00:46:54There are many different kinds of love, Boris.
00:46:57There's love between a man and a woman.
00:47:00Love between a mother and a son.
00:47:02Two women. Let's not forget my favorite.
00:47:04But then there's the love I've always dreamed of ever since I was a little girl.
00:47:08Yeah?
00:47:09The love between two extraordinary individuals.
00:47:13Sonia.
00:47:14Oh, don't, Boris, please.
00:47:16Sex without love is an empty experience.
00:47:20Yes, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
00:47:28At first things were a little tense between us.
00:47:30But after a while, she relaxed.
00:47:42Don't.
00:47:43I'm not here.
00:47:47Soon, Sonia got more used to me.
00:47:49Sometimes she actually had fun.
00:47:52Like the time she baked her first souffle.
00:48:00Money was scarce, and Sonia learned to make wonderful dishes out of snow.
00:48:07Sweetheart, it looks a little rare to me.
00:48:09Well, I left it in the oven for an hour and a half.
00:48:11Did you?
00:48:11Because it looks, you know, it's all, uh...
00:48:13What's for dessert?
00:48:14A surprise, Boris.
00:48:15Yes, what?
00:48:16A nice big bowl of sleep.
00:48:18Oh, sleep, my favorite.
00:48:20That's wonderful.
00:48:22Evenings, we played music together.
00:48:23Oh, Boris, I've never been so happy in my entire life.
00:48:31I love you, Boris, in a deeper way than I ever thought was possible.
00:48:35Really?
00:48:38I want to have children with you.
00:48:40What kind?
00:48:41Little children.
00:48:42Of course.
00:48:44The big ones are mentally slower.
00:48:45I want to have three children.
00:48:47One of each.
00:48:48Oh, Boris, Boris, I'm actually happy.
00:48:53Well, I hate to say I told you so, but some men have it and some men don't.
00:48:58Fortunately, I have so much of it.
00:49:02Those next months were the happiest time of my life.
00:49:05Then one day, at the height of my sense of well-being,
00:49:17I suddenly and for no apparent reason was seized with an urge to commit suicide.
00:49:22I don't know.
00:49:23You're healthy.
00:49:24You have a beautiful wife.
00:49:25Your work is going well.
00:49:26I know, but something's missing.
00:49:28What?
00:49:29I don't know.
00:49:29I feel a void at the center of my being.
00:49:32What kind of void?
00:49:33Well, an empty void.
00:49:35An empty void.
00:49:36Yes, I felt a full void about a month ago, but it was just something I ate.
00:49:39Maybe what you have is a sickness of the soul.
00:49:43Look, there's death.
00:49:45What?
00:49:46Who?
00:49:46Death.
00:49:47He's got Kropotkin, the wine merchant.
00:49:49Really?
00:49:50Yeah, and a woman.
00:49:51Ooh, it's not Mrs. Kropotkin.
00:49:54You're kidding.
00:49:54No, I always knew Kropotkin was diddling somebody else.
00:49:58Where are you taking Kropotkin?
00:50:01Away, forever.
00:50:02Listen, if you run into my wife, tell her I'm with you.
00:50:06Goodbye, Kropotkin.
00:50:08If you get a chance, write.
00:50:09Father Andre, holiest of holies, aged and wise, you are the most wrinkled man in the entire
00:50:20country.
00:50:21Get off my beard, you little jerk.
00:50:25Oh.
00:50:25Rise, my child, rise.
00:50:29I'm standing.
00:50:31My eyesight is poor.
00:50:35Everyone says you're senile, the phage, but you're the only one that can help me.
00:50:39I don't think you're senile.
00:50:42Where did you say the fish was caught?
00:50:45What fish?
00:50:46Didn't you say something about fish?
00:50:49Father, Boris is trying to commit suicide.
00:50:53Last week, he contemplated killing himself by inhaling next to an Armenian.
00:50:56The tale, Boris, is this.
00:51:00I have lived many years, and after many trials and tribulations, I have come to the conclusion
00:51:12that the best thing is...
00:51:16Yes?
00:51:17...blonde 12-year-old girls.
00:51:21Father.
00:51:21Two of them were never possible.
00:51:25Father, I counted on you.
00:51:28I forgive you.
00:51:30I forgive you.
00:51:33Thank you, your grubbiness.
00:51:38As I dangled at the rope's end, I was suddenly seized with an urge to live.
00:51:43All I could think of was Sonia.
00:51:45I wanted to hold her close to me, weep tears on her shoulder, and engage in oral sex.
00:51:50It was then that I made the decision to live, to live and become a great poet.
00:51:56I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
00:52:15Too sentimental.
00:52:17That winter, Sonia and I had a wonderful time.
00:52:23We found a new friend, Berjukov, the village idiot.
00:52:26Berjukov would sit smiling for days and stroke a little piece of velvet,
00:52:30while Sonia would make him happy by feeding him cookies.
00:52:33We looked forward to the spring when we could have a child of our own.
00:52:37Little did we know.
00:52:39War!
00:52:40Napoleon has invaded Russia.
00:52:42It's war!
00:52:43War!
00:52:48Oh, what about all our plans?
00:52:50We were going to be parents this year.
00:52:51Well, there's going to be a slight change in our plans.
00:52:53Instead of parents, we're going to be refugees.
00:52:55Well, that's terrible.
00:52:57We have to take our possessions and flee.
00:52:59I'm very good at that.
00:53:00I was the men's freestyle fleeing champion two years in a row.
00:53:04And we have to remember to burn the food so the French don't get it.
00:53:06Although I know it's tough to light borscht.
00:53:08Boris!
00:53:09What?
00:53:09I have an idea.
00:53:10What?
00:53:12Let's assassinate Napoleon.
00:53:15Yeah.
00:53:15Interesting.
00:53:16It's getting a little late.
00:53:17Do you want to start knitting dinner?
00:53:18I'm serious.
00:53:19What do you mean you're serious?
00:53:20I mean let's you and I kill Napoleon.
00:53:23Sonia, you've been drinking from the glass we use for the village idiot?
00:53:26It's the answer to all our problems.
00:53:28No, it's not the answer.
00:53:29It's an answer.
00:53:30And it's the wrong answer.
00:53:31The correct answer is flee.
00:53:33F-L-E-A.
00:53:34Flee.
00:53:34No, no, the French occupy Moscow.
00:53:37His headquarters are there.
00:53:38Sonia.
00:53:39Two innocent looking types like us could work our way in to see him and then shoot him.
00:53:42Sonia, we'd never get near him.
00:53:44And if we did, we'd shoot and miss.
00:53:45He's a tough target.
00:53:46He's very small.
00:53:47Boris, it's our chance to perform a truly heroic act.
00:53:50Since when is murder a heroic act?
00:53:53Violence is justified in the service of mankind.
00:53:56Who said that?
00:53:57Attila the Hun.
00:53:59You're quoting a Hun to me?
00:54:00Don't you know that murder carries with it a moral imperative that transcends any notion
00:54:06of inherent universal free will?
00:54:09Ah, that is incredibly jejun.
00:54:14That jejun?
00:54:15Jejun.
00:54:17You have the temerity to say that I'm talking to you out of jejunosity?
00:54:21I'm one of the most jejun people in all of the Russias.
00:54:25I have Yvonne's old pistol.
00:54:26Sonia, political assassination doesn't work.
00:54:29Violence leads to violence.
00:54:31He who lives by the sword dies by the sword.
00:54:33Well, I'm out of cliches now.
00:54:35What, are you suggesting passive resistance?
00:54:37No, I'm suggesting active fleeing.
00:54:40You can't run away all your life.
00:54:41I know, but murder.
00:54:44The most foul of all crimes.
00:54:46And not abstract murder, shooting a rifle at an unknown enemy on the battlefield,
00:54:50but standing in a closed room with a live human being and pulling the trigger face-to-face.
00:54:55And a famous human being, a successful one, one who earns more than I do.
00:55:00My God, you figure Napoleon, wow, he's got to be good for 10,000 francs a week.
00:55:05That's minimum.
00:55:05That's minimum.
00:55:06That's without tips or extras, nothing like that.
00:55:09And me, what am I?
00:55:10He's a great man.
00:55:12He thinks like the Superman, and I'm just a worm, an insect,
00:55:17some kind of crawling, disgusting, creeping little vermin.
00:55:23You know you can stop me.
00:55:25I will when I disagree.
00:55:26Oh, Sonia, who are we to kill somebody?
00:55:29Forrest, for the first time in my life, I feel free, weightless.
00:55:33I have an exhilarating feeling of human freedom.
00:55:37It's called the guillotine.
00:55:38Oh, look, Forrest.
00:55:40Look, the soft golden dusk is already transmogrifying itself
00:55:44into the blue star-sprinkled...
00:55:46Be careful, because the gun may be loaded.
00:55:51Several days later, we set out for Moscow.
00:55:54We took Berjukov with us partway.
00:55:56He was on his way to Minsk.
00:55:58There was a village idiots convention in Minsk,
00:56:00and Berjukov was planning to attend.
00:56:02Village idiots from all over Russia were meeting there.
00:56:08We drove through small villages and tiny hamlets.
00:56:18We had no great plan, but when we stopped at an inn along the way,
00:56:22fate provided one.
00:56:23Pardon me, could you tell me who those people are behind that screen?
00:56:38That's from Francisco of Spain,
00:56:41and his sister, en route to meet Napoleon.
00:56:43Don Francisco, I presume?
00:56:58Do you know me, senor?
00:57:00Oh, let's just say that your name is legend in these parts.
00:57:03It is?
00:57:05Well, perhaps not legend, but it never fails to get a big laugh.
00:57:08And you must be the don's sister, the noted Spanish countess in Miskite.
00:57:14Who are you?
00:57:16Just a humble servant who wishes to buy His Excellency a drink.
00:57:20Ah, I would be honored.
00:57:22Waiter, a bottle of your best red wine, please, and then two straws.
00:57:27Two straws.
00:57:29Word has it the don is en route to visit Napoleon.
00:57:34Word travels fast.
00:57:36Not as fast as good news.
00:57:40No news is good news.
00:57:43Here today.
00:57:46Gone tomorrow.
00:57:47You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
00:57:52Your turn.
00:57:53We would invite you to join us,
00:57:54but the difference in social rank and wealth, it makes it silly.
00:57:59Oh, yes, I threw this on.
00:58:01It's a knockdown.
00:58:02Do you guys know Napoleon, or what?
00:58:07Hardly.
00:58:11A joke, your nothingness?
00:58:13We are friends with his brother, who is arranging the affairs of Spain,
00:58:17but this is our first meeting with the great emperor.
00:58:20That's all I wanted to know.
00:58:28Don Francisco!
00:58:30Pardon me?
00:58:31I'm having trouble adjusting my belt.
00:58:34You think you could come over here and hold my bosom for a while?
00:58:39Of course, senorita.
00:58:41The南rmidon Mirror is being the famous actor.
00:58:59If you like the new Speaker, I will wait till you take out.
00:59:01Take cover.
00:59:02Take cover.
00:59:02Take cover.
00:59:04Take cover.
00:59:05Take cover.
00:59:06Take cover.
00:59:07Take cover.
00:59:08Take cover.
00:59:08Take cover.
00:59:10no no no no no no it's not what i had in mind
00:59:28it should have more cream between the crust and no raisins but at our last meeting you said raisins
00:59:34no if this pastry is to bear my name it must be richer more cream easier time very little
00:59:44my spies tell me that my illustrious british enemy is working on a new meat recipe which he plans to
00:59:50call beef wellington it will never get off the ground we must develop the napoleon before he
00:59:57develops beef wellington so future of europe hangs in the balance yes your highness
01:00:05i must see you your highness
01:00:08you have reason to believe that there is a plot of food to take your life
01:00:13very more that's why we've made up an obscure private from the ranks to look like you
01:00:19look how do you do your highness
01:00:21he looks like me you're seeing him without his rug
01:00:26come all right just just let me get this on your highness and now i take your place
01:00:40i will teach you to walk like me i have a great walk
01:00:47with the emperor out of the way all that remains is to kill don francisco
01:00:54that will destroy his highness stupid dreams of a treaty with spain
01:00:59then i'll sail to austria and form an alliance with the crown
01:01:07not the king just the crown
01:01:10they call me mad but one day when the history of france is written
01:01:16they will mark my name well
01:01:19sidney applebaum
01:01:22we're here to see the emperor
01:01:37who is calling
01:01:40oh that's droll
01:01:48droll yes apparently he's not familiar with the list of the hundred most important spanishers
01:01:53yes it is only don francisco and his sister
01:01:56yes the the donessa
01:01:58yes we have an appointment with napoleon
01:02:01right napoleon bonaparte the noted international tyrant
01:02:04and you you are don francisco and his sister
01:02:07yes well we we have had a long a hot journey
01:02:10a hot journey and our throats are parched
01:02:12parched our throats are parched
01:02:13parched we seek sugar
01:02:15sugar
01:02:15sugar
01:02:16yes is sugar here by any chance
01:02:18i never knew your name madam
01:02:21oh uh the boys usually just call me
01:02:25juanita
01:02:26juanita
01:02:27juanita
01:02:29juanita
01:02:31juanita the emperor is a man who appreciates magnificent woman he will be much taken with you
01:02:36good i wore my flats
01:02:38uh we are of course almost anxious to hear your proposal for a treaty
01:02:41oh creaks i've given a lot of thought now i've come up with all the little details you know now if i can just think of the main points we got something
01:02:49but there's no time for business you've had a wearing journey
01:02:53yes well we should say hello to the emperor
01:02:55that's right shorts gets touchy if we bypass them
01:02:57there'll be time for that later
01:02:59first you'll be shown your quarters and wined and dined in a manner befitting spanish nobility
01:03:03oh wonderful but go easy on the champagne the danessa has gout
01:03:07well uh if you'll proceed your needs will be attended to
01:03:11thank you
01:03:11that's why you're here with your sister
01:03:15should you desire a little blonde french love dream to be sent to your room
01:03:19it will be arranged
01:03:20good good maybe i'll have two to keep the symmetry perfect
01:03:24i prefer two myself
01:03:26i prefer three but it's hard enough to get one
01:03:28is this room big enough for you or would you prefer a suite
01:03:42boris boris i'm scared
01:03:44you're scared i'm growing a beak and feathers
01:03:46well what are we gonna do
01:03:47i say we get out of here now
01:03:49i'm not leaving here until we shoot napoleon
01:03:51here
01:03:52oh i see thanks i'm the hit man
01:03:54remember
01:03:55you can't take any chances
01:03:58now make sure the barrel of the gun
01:04:00is pressed against his head or his chest
01:04:03and don't pull the trigger boris
01:04:06squeeze it
01:04:07hey where did you go to finishing school on a pirate ship
01:04:11let's just make sure our plans are straight
01:04:13okay here's one you flirt with him
01:04:15bring him back here after dinner
01:04:17lull him into a state of satisfaction
01:04:19and i'll shoot him
01:04:20i'll shoot him
01:04:21can you believe i'm talking like this
01:04:23yes yes spain is quite warm this time of the year
01:04:30barcelona is warmer than madrid but then the people are so different
01:04:34the barcelonians and the madridnicks
01:04:37are all the ladies in spain as beautiful as you are madame
01:04:41no well not all you gotta have some bees
01:04:44oh general do excuse me madam
01:04:47take it easy really you're making a fool of yourself
01:04:52hey this is good champagne
01:04:53yeah have you had enough or are you gonna drink another case
01:04:56i'll be fine i'll use a few solids
01:04:58a few solids huh you should drink a blotter
01:05:00oh i believe i had the pleasure of meeting your sister once
01:05:04my sister which one
01:05:05oh i thought you only had one
01:05:08one one no oh no no actually well
01:05:11i have a half sister
01:05:13well no not exactly half it's about two bits
01:05:16ladies and gentlemen
01:05:18his imperial highness
01:05:20the emperor napoleon
01:05:22so you are don francesco
01:05:34yes i have regards from your brother in spain
01:05:36says you went away you don't write
01:05:38nothing comes a friday night he never hears from you
01:05:40you took his razor you never returned it
01:05:42this is an honor for me
01:05:44no it's a greater honor for me
01:05:45no a greater honor for me
01:05:47no it's a greater honor for me
01:05:48no a greater honor for me
01:05:50well perhaps you're right perhaps it is a greater honor for you
01:05:52and you must be don francesco's sister
01:05:54no you must be don francesco's sister
01:05:56no you must be don francesco's sister
01:05:58no you must be don francesco's sister
01:06:00no it's a greater honor for me
01:06:01i see our spanish guests have a sense of humor
01:06:04yeah she's a great kidder
01:06:05no you're a great kidder
01:06:07no you're don francesco's sister
01:06:09shall we die
01:06:10oh can we eat first
01:06:11your sister and his highness seem to be getting along quite well you find me attractive as a man
01:06:28yes i think that's your best bet how much of your feelings for me are because i've conquered
01:06:33half of europe oh i'd say half my feelings it evens out i wonder if you should be more
01:06:38difficult to conquer than russia well i weigh less i'll go to your room after dinner good i'll go to
01:06:44yours come in sonia sonia i've been thinking about this it's murder what if everybody acted like this
01:07:02it'd be a world full of murderers you know what that would do to property values i know and if
01:07:07everybody went to the same restaurant on the same evening and ordered blintzes there'd be chaos
01:07:11but they don't i'm telling a murder she's telling her blintzes hey you said yourself there is no right
01:07:17or wrong it's what you choose that's right and i choose danger oh really no but it did sounded great
01:07:25oh boris if only we could be children again yeah i know preferably french children do you know the
01:07:34only truly happy person i know is burjikov the village idiot well it's easy to be happy you know if your
01:07:39one concern in life is figuring out how much saliva to dribble kiss me which one do you want give me a
01:07:45number eight number eight that's uh that's two fours it's an easy one
01:07:49uh coming coming
01:07:54are you alone of course i thought i heard voices i was praying i heard two voices i do both parts
01:08:16champagne from france oh i see you brought the whole kit
01:08:22to your eyes to the bridge of your nose
01:08:41my lust knows no bounds shall we to the bed shall we what to the bed forgive my haste we have
01:08:54always heard that spanish blood is the hottest i had mine cooled for the summer you may set the pace
01:09:01good good why don't we why don't we just sit a while and build slowly you don't want to peak too
01:09:06early you'll be back in your room before midnight you are a temptress oh please excellency call me
01:09:13napoleon good you can call me napoleon too i've never met a woman like you i could rest my head on
01:09:19your shoulder like this forever
01:09:21ah ha ha yes it sounds like it'd be fun except for the grease mark
01:09:25his excellency
01:09:26yeah
01:09:27hmm
01:09:29what's that
01:09:31oh just a breeze
01:09:36a breeze
01:09:37a breeze
01:09:38with mice
01:09:39mice what's the difference
01:09:40if i had a woman like you instead of my wife i would conquer all of europe
01:09:47what's that
01:09:48what's all that i think that was just the old closet door slamming ship
01:09:52one can't be too careful the russian underground would love me dead i take a great chance in an occupied territory
01:09:58assassins around me every day is another encounter with death
01:10:04with death
01:10:05oh yes well good this is the price one pays for political power
01:10:09yes life at the top is hell
01:10:11which is why i relish every minute with you
01:10:14every second to mean something to me
01:10:17that's why the sooner we
01:10:19the sooner we consummate the act of love
01:10:22the happier i will be
01:10:24oh
01:10:25go ahead
01:10:26i can't
01:10:27oh francisco
01:10:29shoot
01:10:30put down that pistol she's over eighteen
01:10:32you're a tyrant and a dictator and you start wars
01:10:35why is he reciting my credits
01:10:36kill him
01:10:37ah
01:10:38no
01:10:45boris
01:10:46we're not here on a vacation
01:10:47well i can't shoot him he's a live human being he'll bleed on the carpet
01:10:51give me that gun
01:10:53oh
01:10:54see it's not so easy
01:10:57why why can't i do it
01:10:59because it's morally wrong
01:11:01oh i see
01:11:02well can you define your terms
01:11:03yes there's a moral imperative involved here
01:11:05yeah where where's the moral
01:11:06don't you see
01:11:07by killing napoleon you're actually killing yourself
01:11:09because we were involved in a kind of a kind of total absolute
01:11:12oh come on this isn't a total absolute you're being pantheistic again
01:11:15how is that pantheistic
01:11:16how is that pantheistic
01:11:17how is that pantheistic
01:11:18we all relate universally to a giant oneness
01:11:20oh you wanna hit him he's coming to again
01:11:22oh
01:11:23just give him a little shot
01:11:24yeah good you see we're dealing with an ethical question here
01:11:26oh come on boris you're not gonna quote timus aquinas again
01:11:29absolutely where he said you must never kill a man particularly if it means taking his life
01:11:33what's the matter
01:11:38what's the matter
01:11:39don't you see
01:11:40and if we don't stop him he'll burn down half of europe
01:11:42well maybe we'll get lucky
01:11:43maybe he'll be the half with our landlord in it
01:11:45boris for our children
01:11:47we don't have children
01:11:48then for our parents
01:11:49they don't have children either
01:11:50well i'm going back and i'm gonna kill him
01:11:51sonia i am
01:11:52sonia i am
01:11:53no
01:11:54all right look
01:11:55pull the carriage
01:11:56out front
01:11:57i'll go kill him
01:12:06look at him
01:12:07if i don't kill him he'll make war all through europe
01:12:10but murder
01:12:12what would socrates say
01:12:15all those greeks were homosexuals
01:12:18boy they must have had some wild parties
01:12:21i bet they all took a house together in crete for the summer
01:12:24a
01:12:25socrates is a man
01:12:27b
01:12:28all men are mortal
01:12:30c
01:12:31all men are socrates
01:12:33that means all men are homosexuals
01:12:35oh
01:12:36i'm not a homosexual
01:12:38i
01:12:39once some
01:12:40some cossacks whistled at me
01:12:42i happen to have the kind of body that excites
01:12:45both persuasions
01:12:47but
01:12:48you know some men are heterosexual
01:12:50and some men are bisexual
01:12:52and
01:12:53some men
01:12:54don't think about sex at all
01:12:55you know they're
01:12:56they become lawyers
01:12:57my problem is that i
01:12:59i see both sides of every issue
01:13:01i'm
01:13:02i'm too logical
01:13:03you know i
01:13:04i
01:13:05the world is not logical
01:13:06if it was logical
01:13:07how would the old nahamkin be younger than young nahamkin
01:13:10i
01:13:11i knew there was something crazy about that when i was a kid
01:13:13but
01:13:14but every time i said something they'd smack me
01:13:15so you know
01:13:17i'm
01:13:18i'm just
01:13:19racked with guilt
01:13:20and
01:13:21i'm
01:13:22consumed with remorse
01:13:23and
01:13:24stricken with suffering for the human race
01:13:26not only that but
01:13:27but i'm developing a herpy on my lip here that is really killing me
01:13:32it
01:13:33oh jeez
01:13:34what to do
01:13:35i
01:13:37arrest this man for murder
01:13:52fortunately only killed an impostor
01:13:54i didn't do anything i
01:13:55hey hey take it easy really you're bending my throat
01:13:58the
01:14:00the spanish government will hear about this
01:14:02san francisco is not a man who takes these things lightly
01:14:05there's
01:14:06there's
01:14:07there's
01:14:08there's been a mistake
01:14:09i know i made it
01:14:11by some miracles sonia managed to elude the french and escape
01:14:14i with my usual good luck got thrown in a damp cell to await execution
01:14:19my favorite pastime
01:14:20fortunately it was a french jail so the food was not bad
01:14:26my family was allowed to visit me
01:14:28remember that nice boy next door raskolnikov
01:14:31raskolnikov
01:14:32yeah
01:14:33he killed two ladies
01:14:34no what a nasty story
01:14:36bobek told it to me
01:14:38he heard it from one of the karamazza brothers
01:14:41oh he must have been possessed
01:14:42well he was a raw youth
01:14:44raw youth he was an idiot
01:14:46and he acted assaulted and injured
01:14:48well i hear he was a gambler
01:14:50you know he could be your double
01:14:52really how novel
01:14:54son
01:14:56for long years
01:14:59i have saved this piece of land for you
01:15:02look it has a house in
01:15:04yes it's a nice little house too
01:15:05you
01:15:06you haven't wasted your life i see
01:15:08don't let any strangers come on it
01:15:11no no strangers
01:15:13no
01:15:14you're a major loon
01:15:15you know that
01:15:16next year
01:15:18yes
01:15:19i expect to build a guest house
01:15:22oh
01:15:23a little tiny guest house
01:15:24with a handball course
01:15:26and a little little swimming pool
01:15:28for fleas or something
01:15:29yes
01:15:30yes
01:15:31well you'll want to get some rest in your rubber bedroom now
01:15:33oh
01:15:34oh
01:15:35oh
01:15:36oh
01:15:37who are you
01:15:55i am an angel of god
01:15:58you're kidding
01:16:00fear not boris
01:16:03you have led a just life
01:16:05and at the last minute
01:16:07before the execution
01:16:08the emperor plans to pardon you
01:16:11really
01:16:13he will make a great personal show of his generosity
01:16:17and you will have learned your lesson
01:16:20but
01:16:21you will not be executed
01:16:25executed
01:16:27then there is a god
01:16:30incredible
01:16:32but moses was right
01:16:34he that abideth in truth
01:16:37and will have frankincense and myrrh smeared on his gums
01:16:42in abundance
01:16:43and he shall dwell
01:16:45and he shall dwell
01:16:46in the house of the lord
01:16:47for six months
01:16:48with an option to buy
01:16:50but
01:16:51the wicked man
01:16:52the wicked man shall have
01:16:54all kinds of problems
01:16:56his tongue shall cleave to the roof
01:16:58of his upper palate
01:16:59and he shall speak
01:17:00like a woman
01:17:01if you watch him closely
01:17:02and he shall
01:17:04he shall
01:17:05the wicked man
01:17:06shall be delivered into the hands of his enemy
01:17:08whether they can pay the delivery charge or not
01:17:11and
01:17:12and wait i have more
01:17:13about the wicked man
01:17:14i shall walk
01:17:15through the valley of the shadow of death
01:17:18in fact
01:17:20now that i think of it
01:17:21i shall run through the valley of the shadow of death
01:17:24cause you get out of the valley quicker that way
01:17:27and he that hath clean hands and a pure heart
01:17:31is okay in my book
01:17:33but
01:17:34he that
01:17:35that
01:17:36fools around
01:17:37with
01:17:38with
01:17:39barnyard animals
01:17:40that's gotta be watched
01:17:42i thank you
01:17:48all right grushenko come on
01:17:49let's go
01:17:50you guys are late
01:17:51i've been waiting here since 6 30
01:17:53you're awfully cheerful
01:17:55yeah well you know how it is when you're extra brave
01:17:57probably not
01:18:01and
01:18:03and
01:18:04and
01:18:08busy day huh
01:18:09you guys having a sale
01:18:11no no blindfold
01:18:12that's for losers
01:18:13i like to see where the bullet hits
01:18:15i learned that during the war
01:18:16i was decorated you know
01:18:18yeah
01:18:19wonder what the emperor's doing today
01:18:22ready
01:18:23ready
01:18:24you guys want to move a little closer
01:18:25you don't want to miss you know
01:18:26looks bad on the report
01:18:28aim
01:18:29oh
01:18:30boy the emperor's really cutting it close
01:18:32what a flare for the dramatic
01:18:34that old sly boots
01:18:36fire
01:18:38it's a very complicated situation cousin sonia
01:18:44i'm in love with alexi
01:18:46he loves alicia
01:18:48alicia is having an affair with lev
01:18:52lev loves tatiana
01:18:54tatiana loves simkin
01:18:56simkin loves me
01:18:59i love simkin but in a different way than alexi
01:19:04alexi loves tatiana like a sister
01:19:08tatiana's sister loves trigorin like a brother
01:19:12trigorin's brother is having an affair with my sister
01:19:16oh he likes physically but not spiritually
01:19:20natasha
01:19:21it's getting a little late
01:19:23the firm of mishkin and mishkin
01:19:25is sleeping with the firm of traskoff and tuskov
01:19:29natasha
01:19:30to love is to suffer
01:19:32to avoid suffering one must not love
01:19:35but then one suffers from not loving
01:19:37therefore
01:19:38to love is to suffer
01:19:40not to love is to suffer
01:19:41to suffer is to suffer
01:19:43to be happy is to love
01:19:45to be happy then is to suffer
01:19:48but suffering makes one unhappy
01:19:50therefore
01:19:51to be unhappy one must love
01:19:54or love to suffer
01:19:55or suffer from too much happiness
01:19:57i hope you're getting this down
01:19:58i never want to marry
01:20:02i just want to get divorced
01:20:06oh look
01:20:08look
01:20:09it's boris
01:20:10boris
01:20:15boris
01:20:16boris what happened
01:20:18i got screwed
01:20:19how
01:20:20i don't know
01:20:21some vision came and said that i was going to get pardoned and they shot me
01:20:25you were my one great love
01:20:27oh thank you very much
01:20:29i appreciate that
01:20:30now if you'll excuse me i'm dead
01:20:32what's it like
01:20:33what's it like
01:20:34uh what's it like
01:20:35uh you know the chicken at tresky's restaurant
01:20:37yeah
01:20:38it's worse
01:20:45worse than the chicken at tresky's
01:20:48oh well
01:20:49life must go on
01:20:50the last traces of the shimmering dusk are setting behind the quickly darkening evening
01:20:56and it's only noon
01:20:59soon we shall be covered by wheat
01:21:03did you say
01:21:07wheat
01:21:09wheat
01:21:11wheat
01:21:13wheat
01:21:14i'm dead they're talking about wheat
01:21:16the question is have i learned anything about life
01:21:19only that
01:21:21only that human beings are divided into mind and body
01:21:24the mind embraces all the nobler aspirations like poetry and philosophy
01:21:30but
01:21:31the body has all the fun
01:21:33the important thing i think
01:21:35is not to be bitter
01:21:37you know if it turns out that there is a god
01:21:39i don't think that he's evil
01:21:41i think that
01:21:42that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever
01:21:46after all you know
01:21:48there are worse things in life than death
01:21:50i mean if you've
01:21:51if you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman
01:21:53you
01:21:54you know exactly what i mean
01:21:56the key here i think is to
01:21:58to not think of death as an end
01:22:00but
01:22:01but think of it more as a very effective way of
01:22:03of cutting down on your expenses
01:22:06regarding love
01:22:08you know
01:22:09what can you say
01:22:10it's
01:22:11it's not the
01:22:12the quantity of your sexual relations that count
01:22:14it's the quality
01:22:15it's the quality
01:22:16on the other hand
01:22:17if the quantity drops below once every eight months
01:22:20i would definitely look into it
01:22:22well
01:22:23that's about it for me folks
01:22:25goodbye
01:22:27goodbye
01:22:28you
01:22:29you
01:22:30you
01:22:31you
01:22:33you
01:22:34you
01:22:36you
01:22:38you
01:22:39you
01:22:40you
01:22:42you
01:22:44you
01:22:46you
01:22:57you
01:22:59you
01:23:03you
01:23:16you
01:23:20you
01:23:37you
01:23:39you
01:23:56you
01:24:09you
01:24:26you
01:24:29you
01:24:39you
Be the first to comment
Add your comment

Recommended