- 4 months ago
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00:00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise for Michelle Wolfe!
00:00:30Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, guys. It's great to be here. I actually haven't done a lot
00:00:43of stand-up this year. I took the first seven months of the year off because I had a baby.
00:00:52It died. No, I'm kidding. The baby's fine, guys. The baby's totally fine. But here's
00:00:59what they don't tell you about having a baby. A lot harder to tell dead baby jokes after
00:01:05you've had a baby. No one warns you about that. They warn you about everything else. They
00:01:11say your body's going to change. You're never going to sleep. No one, not a single one of
00:01:16you, pulled me aside and was like, hey, you know those dead baby jokes you love? Well,
00:01:21they're going to be a lot harder when you have an alive baby because you're going to feel.
00:01:29You're going to have a lot of regular bitch emotions. And you're going to want to recycle.
00:01:35And I know most of you didn't even like dead baby jokes to begin with. They weren't for
00:01:41you. And look, the baby, no, she's doing great. She's doing really good. You know who else is
00:01:48doing good? Me. Thanks for not asking. You remember me? I'm the one who's almost always
00:01:58holding the baby. And I do. I think one of the reasons I'm doing well is because I try
00:02:05to be like the best mom that I can be. I try to be like a good example and like a nice person
00:02:11and loving and caring. And I really try hard. But then I also still get to be a piece of
00:02:18shit on stage who tells dead baby jokes. And I genuinely believe that's the balance every
00:02:27mother needs. Because you weren't always a good person. Maybe the whole reason you have
00:02:33a baby is because you weren't a good person. But you're a mom now. You're a mom now. But
00:02:42who you were before still is in there. It's still in there. And you got to get it out somewhere
00:02:47or you're going to put it in the baby. And don't worry, she's not even going to hear
00:02:54these jokes. She's never going to hear these jokes because she's in the bottom of a well.
00:03:02Well, I don't know. Don't make them so perfectly baby sized.
00:03:12She learned to crawl. She'll either learn to climb or she won't.
00:03:15I do think being a mom has changed my perspective on a lot of things. Like, any gay men here?
00:03:31I've amassed quite a few gay male fans over the years. I would like to say to you all publicly
00:03:38now, we're through. Yeah, gay men, I'm not sure I like you guys anymore. I'm mad at you. I'm mad at you.
00:03:46I'm mad at you. First of all, I know when you say you're mad at gay men, gay men are like,
00:03:49sure you are, bitch. You know? You like it. You love it. Oh, my God, you're...
00:03:56You guys were, they were grasping each other. Like, it was like, we do. She hates us.
00:04:03Here's the thing. This is why I'm mad, okay? So gay guys, you wanted your rights. That's not the part I'm mad about.
00:04:07That's fair. You wanted your rights, and we wanted to help you fight for your rights.
00:04:12We wanted to help you for two reasons. One, because we thought equality was, like, a good thing.
00:04:17And two, you had a great slogan. Your slogan was, love is love. And a lot of us, especially us white women,
00:04:23were like, oh, my God. Yeah.
00:04:32That's, like, just what it is.
00:04:37You guys revamped Live, Laugh, Love, and we needed that.
00:04:49So you guys wanted your rights, we helped you fight for them, and then you got them.
00:04:53And gay men, let's admit it, you guys won, all right? Charlie, you got the Chocolate Factory.
00:04:58You got the Chocolate Factory, you turned it into, like, a weird sex palace.
00:05:05The Oompa Loompas have very different jobs now.
00:05:10They're not mad about it.
00:05:12And all those things. I'm not mad about any of those things. I'm happy all those things happen.
00:05:20What I'm mad about is that women, we started losing our rights, and all you gay guys were like, okay, bye.
00:05:26Sorry about all that abortion stuff.
00:05:35Maybe I'll take the baby.
00:05:44Is it going to be mixed? I would love if it were mixed.
00:05:46I thought we were on a really good path towards equality.
00:06:02And then Netflix put that Jeffrey Dahmer documentary out.
00:06:06And they put it under the LGBTQ category.
00:06:12Which is fair, he was gay, you know?
00:06:14Not the headline of the story.
00:06:18That wasn't the final episode. It wasn't like,
00:06:20and can you believe it? Gay!
00:06:31So Netflix puts it under the LGBTQ category,
00:06:34and then a lot of people got angry,
00:06:36so Netflix took it out of the LGBTQ category.
00:06:39And that made me really angry,
00:06:41because you don't just get the good gays.
00:06:50You gotta take all the gays!
00:06:55Yeah, sure, sometimes you're Elton John, and that's great.
00:06:59And other times you eat people.
00:07:01Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
00:07:04I'm a white woman.
00:07:05We don't just get the good white women.
00:07:06You know, sometimes we're Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
00:07:10And other times we're the rest of the white women.
00:07:11You know, sometimes we're Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
00:07:21And other times we're the rest of the white women.
00:07:30Honestly, I thought the whole thing should have made gay men feel more equal.
00:07:34You know, it's like, look at gay guys.
00:07:36They can lure people back to their homes, murder, and eat them too.
00:07:41They're just like straight men.
00:07:42I really, we did, uh, we, we did, we lost abortion this year.
00:07:54I don't know where it went.
00:07:55Oh, it's probably in the alley.
00:07:56Could be worse, could be in the well.
00:08:06And we lost abortion, and they overturned Roe v. Wade.
00:08:14And my problem with the abortion debate for the last several years actually hasn't been with Republicans.
00:08:19Because Republicans have been very clear about what they've wanted, okay?
00:08:23Republicans, love or hate Republicans, you've got to admit, those guys are planners.
00:08:28They see a problem, and they will chisel away at it until the swastika.
00:08:41They've been trying to overturn Roe v. Wade since it became a thing.
00:08:44They've been playing the short game, the long game, and they finally got it done.
00:08:48Now, Democrats, Democrats also had a strategy to make sure Roe v. Wade wouldn't be overturned.
00:08:53And Democrats' strategy was, don't worry, it's not gonna happen.
00:08:59Democrats' strategy is the same reason you need an abortion.
00:09:12They're like, don't worry, baby, it's, it's not gonna happen.
00:09:15Democrats are very frustrating, because they're the least effective group of people I've ever met.
00:09:24It's like everyone else is running a regular race, and Democrats are like, let's go three-legged.
00:09:30And everyone's like, no, we're just gonna run regular.
00:09:34And they're like, well, we're in this together, so...
00:09:42And it's super frustrating, because they have a lot of good ideas.
00:09:45They talk about a lot of things that sound really good.
00:09:47They just can't get anything done.
00:09:50They can't, they just, they don't plan for any obstacles or problems.
00:09:54They just, and they can't get anything done.
00:09:57You know who Democrats remind me of?
00:09:59Democrats remind me of that old guy who started Jurassic Park.
00:10:04Because I think we can all agree a dinosaur park is a fantastic idea.
00:10:10We would all love a dinosaur park.
00:10:13We would love that.
00:10:14But this guy didn't plan for anything.
00:10:16He wasn't like, what if there's a storm?
00:10:23On my dinosaur island in the middle of the ocean.
00:10:31I'm not saying I would necessarily ever vote Republican,
00:10:35but I would definitely pick one to run Jurassic Park.
00:10:37They would have kept the dinosaurs very separated.
00:10:48And, if you remember this, one of the fatal flaws was,
00:10:52all the dinosaurs were supposed to be female.
00:10:54And so they weren't supposed to be able to have babies.
00:10:56But then somehow, they ended up having babies.
00:10:59Republicans won't let this happen.
00:11:04They'd be like, these lesbian dinosaurs can't have kids.
00:11:08Isn't Jurassic Park so much more terrifying
00:11:12when you think of it as a lesbian dinosaur island?
00:11:19You're like, I want to go.
00:11:21I just feel like there's going to be a lot of rules.
00:11:33Republicans, also very good.
00:11:34They're very good at naming things.
00:11:35They've got pro-life.
00:11:37I think we can all agree, pro-life is great.
00:11:39That's fantastic.
00:11:41Pro-choice, pro-choice is so dumb.
00:11:43It just sounds bad.
00:11:44You just sound like an annoying girl
00:11:46who can't decide what to order.
00:11:48You're like, what are you going to get?
00:11:52Pro-life is great. Pro-life is good.
00:11:55And we can all agree, we're all pro-life most of the day.
00:11:59Like, all of us like life most of the day.
00:12:03There's a solid 95% of the day.
00:12:06There's like 5% of the day where we're like,
00:12:08I don't know about life.
00:12:10This is...
00:12:12But we also know that Republicans are only like pro-life technically.
00:12:18You know? Like, not in practice.
00:12:20Because if they were actually pro-life, they'd care about things like,
00:12:23you know, healthcare and education and gun safety and...
00:12:26You know, they'd care about things like trees.
00:12:34And they wouldn't be like, who needs clean water?
00:12:38You can just drink oil.
00:12:40I'm like, I don't have oil either.
00:12:45So, like, they're technically pro-life, you know?
00:12:49It's kind of like if a pedophile called themselves pro-child.
00:12:52It is technically true.
00:13:02Super pro-child.
00:13:07I'm gonna let you guys sit in that.
00:13:14Is there anything more mom than drinking a warm beverage that's cold?
00:13:18So we are, now we're living in the world where we have to have all the babies, right?
00:13:31We have to have all the babies.
00:13:33So you'd hope that they, like, create, like, some sort of infrastructure for us.
00:13:36Because it's like, it's not just like one person having a baby.
00:13:40It's like, we're collectively having the future.
00:13:42And we should care about that.
00:13:45Because, like, you know, I don't think right now is going too great.
00:13:49So maybe we should just, like, you know, with the future just, I don't know, try something different.
00:13:55You know?
00:13:57And you'd hope there'd be, like, some infrastructure, you know?
00:14:00Things like healthcare and education.
00:14:02But also, like, you know, caring about moms.
00:14:04You know, you remember them?
00:14:07Uh...
00:14:09Yeah, yeah.
00:14:10Not everyone's even clapping.
00:14:11That's great.
00:14:13Uh...
00:14:15Feels fair.
00:14:16You're probably like, I'm annoyed at my mom.
00:14:18Uh...
00:14:20I don't care that she made me.
00:14:21She called me, like, three times today about her password.
00:14:24And...
00:14:29And we should, we should.
00:14:31You know, like, hopefully we get to a place where we can, like, you know, give, like...
00:14:36Have things like, uh, maternity care and lactation support.
00:14:40And...
00:14:42Paid leave.
00:14:44And...
00:14:46You know, pretend to give a fuck about women just, like, a little bit.
00:14:50Just, like, uh...
00:14:52One or two centimeters dilated amount.
00:14:57And hopefully that all does happen.
00:14:59But unfortunately, all those things are long-term goals.
00:15:02I do think there's something we can do in the short-term for women.
00:15:05Something we can do for women right now that will almost immediately change things for the better.
00:15:10And that is, you can make us clothes that have some fucking pockets.
00:15:13I don't know who told you we don't want pockets, but she's a lying bitch.
00:15:28We want pockets.
00:15:29I bought a blazer the other day.
00:15:30I thought it had pockets.
00:15:32It looked like it had pockets.
00:15:34They were false pockets.
00:15:36I was furious.
00:15:38It's decorative fruit all over again.
00:15:40Don't put grapes in front of me that I can't eat.
00:15:45And, man, you're riddled with pockets.
00:15:48You're lousy with pockets.
00:15:50You've got them everywhere.
00:15:51Your pants are looser, so your pockets are bigger.
00:15:53You've got pockets in your shirts.
00:15:55You've got pockets all over your jackets.
00:15:57You've got... you have so many pockets.
00:15:59You have a pocket for decorative fabric.
00:16:03And you have big hands.
00:16:05Man, you have objectively larger hands.
00:16:07And you're only carrying one thing.
00:16:10We asked you to get two things, but you couldn't find the second thing.
00:16:13Even though it's exactly where we said it was.
00:16:18And then, meanwhile, us women, we have very few pockets, and we have these little hands.
00:16:25We have small, little hands that you like because it makes your penis look bigger.
00:16:29We have these tiny little hands, and we're carrying so many things.
00:16:37We have our keys, and the coffee, and a phone, and the emotions of the entire family.
00:16:46And I know. I know what you're thinking.
00:16:47What about your purse?
00:16:48Okay, first of all, our purse is full.
00:16:50Second, we're not allowed to take our purse everywhere anymore, because all you men were bringing guns places.
00:17:03And for some reason, that means we're not allowed to bring our purse everywhere, which is crazy.
00:17:09Because we weren't hiding your stupid gun in our purse.
00:17:11If we were, a lot of those shootings never would have happened.
00:17:22We would have been like, okay, hold on. I'm looking.
00:17:32Here, you want this? It's an unwrapped tampon.
00:17:36Well, I don't know. You think they're very scary.
00:17:41How about a snack?
00:17:44You might not want to shoot so many people after you've had a snack.
00:18:00Just a lot. There's so much for women to take care of and do.
00:18:04There's just, you know, and then I also worry.
00:18:07I worry because, like, I don't think there's, like, a lot of good female role models.
00:18:11You know, like, I have a daughter, and I want her to have female role models.
00:18:14And I'm not going to be one.
00:18:17And there's, like, not, you know, there's not a lot of women to look up to.
00:18:21Because we don't highlight women who, like, accomplish things, you know?
00:18:24Like, I said this joke the other day, and some guy was like, what about Eleanor Roosevelt?
00:18:28And I was like, she's so dead.
00:18:34Like, she's been so dead.
00:18:37And also, you know, what did she really do?
00:18:43You know, couldn't even say she was a lesbian.
00:18:45There's just not, there's not a lot of female role models.
00:18:56Like, I personally love, I love Martha Stewart.
00:18:59Martha Stewart is 81 years old, and she's, she's 81 years old, and she's a billionaire businesswoman.
00:19:06And then also recently, she was on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
00:19:10Yep, and see, this is the entire problem.
00:19:15I said she was an 81-year-old billionaire businesswoman, and none of you clapped.
00:19:21And then I said she posed in a swimsuit, and everyone got very excited.
00:19:26She's an 81-year-old billionaire businesswoman.
00:19:30No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:19:32You've lost your wooing privileges.
00:19:35As soon as she was on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit, everyone was like,
00:19:39is 81 the new 21?
00:19:41And it's like, first of all, God, I hope not.
00:19:45But also, that's not the significant thing.
00:19:48The significant thing is that she's a, she's an incredible, talented businesswoman.
00:19:54But no one cares until she puts on a swimsuit and lays down on a couch.
00:19:58Which, anyone can look good in a still photo in a swimsuit.
00:20:02You know what, I'm gonna need that cover to be a live photo.
00:20:04I'm gonna need to be able to press on the cover of that photo.
00:20:08And see you get up from that couch.
00:20:15But I think this is what happened.
00:20:16I think people saw an old woman who does crafts on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit.
00:20:21And they were like, oh, maybe that means me, a younger woman who also does crafts,
00:20:26could someday be on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit.
00:20:31And here's the thing you must remember.
00:20:34Martha Stewart is extraordinary.
00:20:36You aren't.
00:20:43Martha Stewart is an incredible, talented, hardworking woman.
00:20:46She started her career as a model.
00:20:48She started as, um, as a model.
00:20:50But she's very smart.
00:20:51She knew that wasn't gonna last forever.
00:20:53And she was like, okay, well everyone eats and has a house.
00:20:56So...
00:20:58I'm gonna get into the eating and having a house business.
00:21:02And she did, and she made millions of dollars.
00:21:05And then she went to jail for like a little bit of time.
00:21:07And then she got out and she made hundreds of millions more.
00:21:14And now she's just dipping her toe back in the modeling world.
00:21:19She's incredible.
00:21:20She's talented.
00:21:21She's hardworking.
00:21:22You have a little bit of a mustache.
00:21:27But this is the thing.
00:21:28I think people, I think, undersell talent and hard work these days.
00:21:32We undersell it.
00:21:33Like, because we see everybody doing everything on social media.
00:21:36And we, I say we because I do it too.
00:21:38We scroll through it all day.
00:21:39And people are just being, like, kind of shitty at everything.
00:21:42You know, like doing, like, stupid lip syncs or those dumb TikTok dances.
00:21:46You know, the ones that are like,
00:21:51And then you see that dance and you think,
00:21:53Oh my gosh, I think I can do that dance.
00:21:55Yeah, of course you can.
00:21:56It's a bad dance.
00:21:59It's a bad dance that doesn't take any skill.
00:22:02All those people that do TikTok dances,
00:22:04They look like they're not good at sex.
00:22:09They all look like people who give up in the middle of a blowjob.
00:22:15Do you know what Martha Stewart looks like?
00:22:16Martha Stewart looks like she decides when you come.
00:22:19I'm sure Martha Stewart hasn't finished blowjobs, but not because she couldn't.
00:22:32It's because you weren't ready.
00:22:34The other reason I think people got excited when they saw Martha Stewart on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit,
00:22:49It's because she's an older woman.
00:22:52And they were like, it goes back to all this body positivity stuff where they're like,
00:22:56See, look, old women can wear swimsuits too.
00:23:00And it's like, uh, first of all, you didn't know that.
00:23:05Have you not been to the gym in the morning?
00:23:07Cause if you've been to the gym in the morning, you know old women can wear swimsuits and they can also definitely not wear swimsuits.
00:23:18Like just like right in front of you too.
00:23:20You can just be like, hey, can I help you?
00:23:22And she'll be like, no, no, I'm doing good.
00:23:24I'm like, oh, okay.
00:23:25Cause we're just the only two people in the locker room.
00:23:29And there's just so many other benches.
00:23:38Like, I can't smell chlorine and not picture a naked old lady.
00:23:43But I think people got excited about Martha Stewart being on the cover of Sports Illustrated cause it's all this body positivity stuff.
00:23:56And I personally have always hated the body positivity movement.
00:23:59Yeah, I hate it.
00:24:00I don't believe you guys.
00:24:01I don't believe you guys at all.
00:24:03You're always, it's, you're always like, no, no, I love my, my thighs and my cellulite and the way my legs fit into my foot with no real ankle.
00:24:13You know what you sound like?
00:24:16You sound like a closeted gay guy trying to convince people he likes vaginas.
00:24:22Like no, no, no, I love a vulva and a labia and the way if you, you turn your head to the side and you squeeze the lips together.
00:24:29It's like you're having a little conversation.
00:24:34Hey, how are you?
00:24:37I'm good.
00:24:40Maybe tonight we'll just talk.
00:24:43We can share some secrets.
00:24:47Is it just me or the more I do that, the more it looks like it might feel good.
00:24:50I don't know.
00:24:51Guys.
00:24:53That's for a different show.
00:24:54I'm a mom now.
00:25:00So there was the, there was the body positivity movement and then there was another movement that came after it.
00:25:06It didn't last very long because it was so dumb.
00:25:08It was, it was even worse.
00:25:09It was called body neutrality.
00:25:11And this movement was, some of the people came over from body positivity and they were like, okay, you're right.
00:25:16I don't love my body.
00:25:18But I do appreciate that it works.
00:25:20And I'm like, all right guys.
00:25:23Um, we're working too hard here.
00:25:27Okay.
00:25:29Do you want to know the secret?
00:25:30Here's the secret.
00:25:31Just hate your body.
00:25:34Hate your body and be free.
00:25:37I don't care if you're fat, skinny, in shape, out of shape.
00:25:41Just hate your body cause it's gross.
00:25:45We're all gross.
00:25:47We're all animals who don't have fur.
00:25:50It's weird.
00:25:57You've seen hairless cats.
00:25:58That's who we are.
00:26:00We're all just hairless cats walking around on our hind legs pretending that's okay.
00:26:08Just hate your body and be free.
00:26:12And if you want to look nice, if you want to look nice, you should look nice.
00:26:16You should try, you know, like you should get dressed up.
00:26:19But you should look in the mirror before you leave the house.
00:26:21You should look in the mirror and still find at least one thing that makes you go.
00:26:27And then leave anyway.
00:26:29Leave anyway and go have a good time with your friends who also hate their bodies.
00:26:39And we all know if any of your friends don't hate their bodies,
00:26:42if any of your friends like their bodies,
00:26:43they're not your real friends anyway because they have a terrible personality.
00:26:49Like, do you think I leave the house every day and think my hair looks great?
00:26:56Listen, my hair's doing the best it can.
00:26:59My hair is the same as like a stupid kid.
00:27:04You know, like you ask the mom, you're like, how's Max doing in math?
00:27:07And you're like, the best he can.
00:27:16I just hate, I hate all the body positivity.
00:27:19I hate all of it because we try so hard.
00:27:22Women are always trying so hard to look good and it's such a fucking waste of time.
00:27:26And then drag queens, you come along, you're not helping us out at all.
00:27:33You're putting in so much effort, it's crazy.
00:27:37You're like, like, I see drag queens where they're like, how did you make those eyelashes?
00:27:41And they're like, oh, I weaved three together.
00:27:43And I'm like, you gotta stop, that's crazy.
00:27:45You can't give us more work to do. This is crazy.
00:27:52I'm mad at drag queens. I'm also mad at drag queens. This is why I'm mad.
00:27:56You guys, you guys get all dressed up and everyone's like, ooh, she's fierce and fabulous.
00:28:02And then women, we get all dressed up and everyone's like, ooh, she's difficult.
00:28:06Yeah, feels like there's a bunch of double standards.
00:28:16Like in a couple of years ago at the Met Gala, which is like Vogue's big like fashion event,
00:28:22all these celebrities come, they dress up in gowns.
00:28:24And this one year, Blake Lively, she was wearing this like really beautiful gown
00:28:27and she like ascended the stairs to the Met Gala.
00:28:30And then like a bunch of men surrounded her and unfurled her dress
00:28:33and it splayed down the stairs and it changed colors
00:28:36and it was this big like wow moment.
00:28:38And it did. It looked very, very cool.
00:28:41And then I saw online all these people were like,
00:28:44um, drag queens have been doing that move for years.
00:28:49She stole this from them.
00:28:52And it's like, all right, you want to start pointing fingers, buddy?
00:28:54You stole the whole dress thing from us.
00:28:59Where you want to start?
00:29:03It's like if they found diamonds in the Congo and Belgium was like,
00:29:07hey, that's our thing.
00:29:10Yeah, I thought I'd lighten up a drag queen joke with a joke about colonization.
00:29:22Back to the real problem, drag queens.
00:29:25Like this year for Pride Month, uh, Target, they made these swimsuits that for,
00:29:34they were for women and they had a place to tuck your penis.
00:29:38And, and I'm not, I'm not mad that that swimsuit exists.
00:29:42I'm just wondering, can we use that as a pocket?
00:29:44Maybe we can have a place to tuck our penis like right here.
00:29:58And I don't know if you know this, uh, a lot of our penises are the same size and shape as a phone, so...
00:30:09And you never know if we're gonna have a right or left penis, so you might as well just put two pockets.
00:30:17A lot of people, I guess a lot of people are mad at drag queens because, um, they're reading to children.
00:30:36I wanna be very clear, that's not why I'm mad at drag queens.
00:30:39Um, I'm not mad about that, and I also just don't believe it's happening.
00:30:44Because I don't think those two people are awake at the same time.
00:30:54That's like seeing a vampire and a rooster together.
00:30:57I mean...
00:31:02Oddly enough, in this example, vampires are children, and roosters are drag queens because...
00:31:08Cocks, you get it.
00:31:12I don't need to explain that to you, you're very smart.
00:31:20But it is, you know, like now, I just, I think a bit differently about a lot of things now that I have a baby.
00:31:25And I, I'm a little bit of an older mom.
00:31:29I'm a, I found out I was pregnant when I was 37, so I'm like an old mom.
00:31:32I'm a young dad, but I'm an old mom.
00:31:41And 37 is too old to decide if you wanna have a baby.
00:31:45You know, cause you know how good life can be.
00:31:49I think everyone should decide, everyone should decide or have a baby in their young 20s.
00:31:53Like in your young 20s, before you're like, you have any money, you don't know who you are, you're still trying to figure stuff out.
00:32:00Every day's a struggle.
00:32:02And then you see that little baby smile and it just gets you through.
00:32:07I was 37 and successful.
00:32:12Like I've been on private jets.
00:32:14There's no baby smile that's better than skipping the TSA.
00:32:20And I wasn't sure, you know, I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a baby, you know, I think there's like, um, there's like a bunch of different types of women.
00:32:32I don't know if you know that.
00:32:33There's...
00:32:35There's not just one kind.
00:32:37Uh, and like there's, um, there's women who know they definitely wanna have babies.
00:32:41And then there's women who know they definitely don't wanna have babies.
00:32:43there's like a bunch of different types of women. I don't know if you know that.
00:32:47There's not just one kind. And like there's women who know they
00:32:54definitely want to have babies and then there's women who know they definitely
00:32:57don't want to have babies. And then there's women who would love to have
00:33:03babies but who are struggling. And then there's this other group that I found
00:33:07myself in that's like the women who are like I don't know. And that's when you
00:33:14don't know. And you either decide to have a baby or you run out the clock. And so I
00:33:23decided to have a baby. I was like let's roll the dice on this. And a baby is a
00:33:27wild thing to roll the dice on. You know it's like I don't know maybe I can ruin
00:33:32both of our lives. Maybe I can start some generational trauma. Give you
00:33:45something to pass on to your daughter. And like once I decided to have a baby it's
00:33:57not like that went away. You know it's not like I all of a sudden I decided I was
00:34:00like I'm gonna have a baby. And then I was always like I'm excited. Let's do all
00:34:03the things. I was still like I don't know. I just kept getting more and more
00:34:09pregnant and being like and and like I had a little bit of a hard time with it
00:34:22because like I also like I have older friends who have older kids and those
00:34:26aren't people you should ask their opinions about if you should have a baby or
00:34:29not. You need to ask other people who also have babies because they'll be like
00:34:34no you have a baby too and we'll be in it together you know in the good times in
00:34:39the bad but we'll raise our kids together. I have older friends who have older
00:34:43kids and you ask them about having kids and they'll be like oh my gosh I love my
00:34:47family more than anything. Also today I was on the way to Target and I was just
00:34:51thinking about never going home.
00:35:06No I love those guys I love them. They got me this necklace with all their birthstones on it.
00:35:13It feels a little bit like an electric fence collar.
00:35:24Turns out this is a job I'm the boss and all of the employees so but it's so fun.
00:35:32And part of the reason that I think like moms think like that is because like moms love their
00:35:44kids like a crazy amount. That's the other reason I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids
00:35:47because like I was scared of that amount of love. Like it's a lot of love. Like even if you don't
00:35:53have kids you have a mom and you know your mom loves you like an annoying amount. Like you're just
00:35:58like get over it lady. And like I was I was scared about that amount of love. But then I also realized
00:36:08it's the exact amount you need to love kids to make sure that they survive. You know like I think
00:36:14if moms love kids any less like a lot of us probably wouldn't be here. Like I think a lot of moms would
00:36:20have been like this one's broken we're gonna throw it back. Like I think a lot of moms would have taken
00:36:26that long minivan ride into a lake. You know? Like no have as many snacks as you want.
00:36:40You can have screen time for the rest of your life.
00:36:42I can hear it calling in the air tonight. Hold on.
00:37:01But that amount of love it you know it seemed like it's a scary amount of love. And I was also worried
00:37:07because like I love my job. I love what I do. And like logically I knew it was gonna be possible
00:37:13to keep doing. But like logistically I knew it was gonna be like really difficult. You know? Like I travel
00:37:19all the time. That means I'm gonna have to bring like people to help me with the baby. And that's
00:37:23extra you know hotel rooms and flights. And then I gotta think about like do I want to be traveling that
00:37:28much with the baby? Is that fair to the baby? You know just to be like going from like hotel to hotel
00:37:33and at airports all the time. And it's like where are we gonna put the well? And it's just like a lot of moving
00:37:42pieces you know? And I also realized that I'm really lucky. You know? Like I I got to decide how much time
00:37:50I wanted to take off work and then how much I work now. You know? Like I got to take seven months off.
00:37:56Seven months is like feels like a luxurious amount of time. You know? In Sweden they would call that five months
00:38:02too early you idiot. But in America they say it's six months too long you whore.
00:38:08And I and I also I got to go back to a job that I love. Like a lot of women don't get to get that
00:38:25much time or any time off at all and they have to go to back to a job that they don't even like.
00:38:30Which is like I mean you have to go back to work like your body's like a car accident. Like literally the frame of the car
00:38:36is your body. Like did you know did you know your bones move when you have a baby? Like your bones are
00:38:42in a different position. When you have to go back to work with your bones in different places.
00:38:48And you're just walking around like it's normal. And you're you're back there and there's like some
00:38:53shitty guy named like Jerry who's like hey Jill where's the data? And you're like this isn't a heist movie Jerry.
00:39:00But I emailed you the spreadsheets a couple hours ago. And of course you did. Of course you emailed
00:39:08Jerry the spreadsheets. But Jerry didn't see them because Jerry's an idiot. Jerry's always been an
00:39:13idiot. But here's the thing. Jerry didn't leave to have a baby. So he might not be smart but he's there.
00:39:20And and he's not like officially ahead of you. But he's like he's a little ahead of you. And Jerry
00:39:31knows. It's the only thing Jerry knows. But Jerry knows. So he's very condescending now. And you're
00:39:36back at work. And you don't you don't you don't like your job. And you might not want to be there. Or
00:39:40maybe you're grateful to be there. And also you that makes you feel guilty about not wanting to be with
00:39:46your baby. And you thought maybe oh I could breastfeed here. But the closet they gave me is too small.
00:39:50And I think there's someone like watching. And there's just like a like a lot of emotions going
00:39:56on. And a lot of things happening in your head. And I just say all this to say I'm surprised that
00:40:01more women don't shoot the office. They probably they probably would. But they're just like I can't
00:40:11find my. Where is it? Oh you know what I put it here. I put it in my penis pocket.
00:40:22I put it in my penis pocket because the cold steel felt good on my stitches.
00:40:29Don't get grossed out about that. Don't you dare get grossed out about that. That's how you got here.
00:40:35You got here because your mother tore her vagina. You don't say ooh you say thank you mommy.
00:40:41You don't say thank you mommy. You don't say thank you mommy. You don't say thank you mommy.
00:40:49This is the thing. This is the thing I will never understand. Like Meg at some point you're
00:40:54going to have to explain this to me because you guys I know periods are gross. Birth is gross.
00:41:00I understand that. But you like gross things. Why don't you like this? This is right up your alley.
00:41:08It's literally up your alley. I mean you like you like movies where people are like shot and there's
00:41:15like blood in the water. And you love when people are like blown to pieces. Or you love Mortal Kombat.
00:41:21Every finishing move in Mortal Kombat is the grossest thing I've ever seen. Meanwhile some woman's like
00:41:27I need a tampon. And you're like ew that's so yucky. You know what actually that's not a bad
00:41:36finishing move in Mortal Kombat. Taking out a tampon.
00:41:39You're your own not your opponent's. Like finish him.
00:41:55Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
00:42:01Fatality.
00:42:02So I was worried. I was worried about having a baby. Because also it's like one of the reasons
00:42:15I think I was successful in comedy is because I didn't have a baby. This is like a lot easier
00:42:20to do without a baby. I know a lot of like male comics they like they have like families and then
00:42:25they're like oh yeah I miss my family so much when I'm on the road. I'm like you should try taking them.
00:42:30Uh you're not gonna miss them at all. And they're there all the time.
00:42:39And uh and you know they talk a lot about in comedy how like comedy is like sexist and misogynistic.
00:42:46And I don't know if you know this um all jobs are.
00:42:48I feel like we only talk about sexism in the fun jobs but it's like also at like CVS.
00:43:03And like I have a microphone I can talk about it you know like they don't have I mean I guess they
00:43:07have an intercom so they could be like um there's sexism on aisle all of them all the aisles.
00:43:19And and I'm not saying sexism doesn't exist in comedy but after having a baby do you know
00:43:24who I found out the most sexist people are? Babies. That baby doesn't come out and it's not like all
00:43:32right I'm gonna split my time between the both of you all right? Ready? Mom dad we're all in this
00:43:37together. We're a team. Hut hut. That baby comes out you give that baby to the dad that baby's like who
00:43:44the fuck is this guy? He doesn't smell like us. Who is this? His nipples have nothing.
00:43:53Yeah I think he's gonna eat me. Of course I'm upset. I think you're being a little bit of a bitch right now.
00:44:09Just the other day I could feel walls all around me. Now there's no walls. I feel like I'm falling
00:44:16all of the time. I'm freaking out and then you get me to this guy. Who the fuck is this guy?
00:44:24I think every dad knows this. I think every dad knows that baby might have learned to love you
00:44:28but when that baby came out it didn't give a fuck about you.
00:44:37That baby will hold you back more than a man ever could.
00:44:42And so you do get away. You do break away from that crazy baby grip and you get back to work.
00:44:47That baby's not leaving your head all day. That baby's in your head. It's made a home in your
00:44:51head all day long. It's like oh you're at work. That's interesting. I thought we were having skin time.
00:44:58Oh are you doing a presentation? I wonder how I'm doing developmentally.
00:45:02Oh you're in a meeting and you can't check your phone? Hmm. Maybe I died.
00:45:14Maybe I died and you couldn't save me because you needed a work-life balance.
00:45:25To be fair to be fair I'm sure men think about their families at work too.
00:45:41I'm sure at some point in the day you're like that's right I do have a family.
00:45:44Oh my god I have two.
00:45:53I always forget about the second family. Don't tell them that they hate that.
00:45:58So I wasn't sure I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a baby and uh but I was I was sure I was
00:46:12I was sure about what I wanted to do with the birth. I was going to lean all into the birthing experience.
00:46:17So I decided to have a home birth. Any other home birth moms?
00:46:20That is consistently the number. One.
00:46:29Normally one lady who probably smells like tea tree oil.
00:46:36Use it as deodorant. Use it as whatever you want. It's good for everything.
00:46:43Here's what I will say. All jokes aside, no jokes here.
00:46:46Uh if if you are if you're pregnant you want to be pregnant uh and you haven't thought about home
00:46:51birth or it's just you're thinking about it right now for the first time.
00:46:55I strongly encourage you to look into it because I will say hands down best experience of my life.
00:47:06Absolutely unbelievable. It was amazing. You really found out how like powerful and capable you are as a
00:47:13woman. And it's also probably why we don't encourage women to have home births because you know
00:47:21that would be terrible.
00:47:26And but there is okay so the joke reason why I had a home birth because it's funnier
00:47:31uh is that I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a baby you know and so
00:47:45you know the baby came out and I was like oh whoopsie I could have been like hey look at that
00:47:49sunrise and then just you know it's so crazy a hawk just flew in
00:47:54and that happened at a lot of home births to the
00:48:01do hawks steal a lot of the babies.
00:48:13There's a couple big differences between home births and hospital births um like uh at a home birth
00:48:18you're surrounded by people who like love and care about you and want you to be able to like progress
00:48:23naturally and are encouraging and then at a hospital birth you're surrounded by people who are like
00:48:27oh no it's an emergency it's Thursday so we have to cut you open.
00:48:36So that's a point in the home birth column um but a point for hospital births is that um a lot of you
00:48:43know most hospitals like plastic and linoleum you can like wipe stuff down pretty easy
00:48:47and at home everything's absorbent uh so then later when people come over you can be like this is
00:48:56where we had the baby
00:49:02would you like some spaghetti
00:49:08I love to serve my guests spaghetti I don't know
00:49:10and really I wanted to I wanted to lean into this so I was going to have one of those water births
00:49:17I was going to get a birthing pool uh and I didn't know this about birthing pools do you know they're
00:49:21just regular inflatable pools there's not like a special one for birth it's just the same one you
00:49:28can use in your yard with your sad family
00:49:30but I was excited about this so that'd be like a gentle transition into the world uh but I ended
00:49:39up not being able to use the birthing pool because I ended up having a really quick labor
00:49:44I couldn't use it because my baby she came too fast which is the last time she's gonna get to say that
00:49:51please don't take my baby please
00:49:55I don't even want to tell that joke it's just there and I have to
00:50:00but this one I am going to need you guys to prepare yourselves for this one because
00:50:04uh just trust me uh so after I had the baby I uh drank a placenta smoothie
00:50:15all right well first of all we mixed it with berries okay so it tasted of berry
00:50:23but also your body made the placenta and it nourished your baby and gave it everything
00:50:28it needed to be born and then you have the baby and you have the placenta and eating part of it is
00:50:34supposed to help you recover both physically and mentally and I know even after saying all of that
00:50:39you're still like that's fucking gross
00:50:42but here's the thing you've swallowed cum
00:50:52and what that helped you recover from
00:50:56your body didn't even make that his body made that who is he
00:51:01how long has that been in there what's he been eating
00:51:17but now now I have this really great baby rolled the dice came out good uh
00:51:23and I have this really great baby now she does like baby talk you know she'll be like
00:51:27ba ba ba ba ba ba and I talk back to her but I talk back to her like I'm talking to you guys
00:51:31right now because I'm I'm a fun mom and so she'll be like ba ba ba ba ba and I'll be like oh that's
00:51:38interesting ba ba ba ba ba wow I think so too ba ba ba ba ba thank you so much for sharing
00:51:45which is like wrap it up you know
00:51:47and I like to think I like to think she's like telling me about her a dream she had or I don't
00:51:58know maybe something she saw when we were out on a walk and that's really nice if that's what it is
00:52:03you know but what if it's not what if she's like damn jews
00:52:08that's why I don't talk baby talk I don't know the language I don't want to accidentally be saying
00:52:18something super racist and even worse I have a half black baby what if she's saying the n-word to me
00:52:26she can say it I don't want to accidentally be saying it back to her she's going to be like I have
00:52:33a racist bitch of a mom and I have to be like yeah I agree with you on the jew thing
00:52:42it's very interesting it's very interesting being the white part of a half black baby situation
00:52:48because you know like I'm a white woman and it's you know I just have to be on guard to not be one
00:52:54you know so like uh we were at the airport bookstore you know like our local bookstore and uh
00:53:03and I think we can all agree baby books are garbage uh but I thought I'd buy one so she
00:53:10could look at it for 30 seconds before she tried to lick everything on the plane and so I I there's
00:53:18this whole series of baby books that's like if I were a puppy if I were a giraffe if I were a unicorn
00:53:24if I were a dinosaur if I were an octopus and then the last one in the series is if I were a monkey and
00:53:31I'm like your dad's gonna have to buy you this one because I'm not you're not getting me with this
00:53:36I'm not showing up to the counter as a white woman with a black baby in a book about a monkey you're
00:53:41not getting me because I think all of us white people know all of us white people know that
00:53:49there are times where we're accidentally racist right I mean there's also times where we're very
00:53:54much on purpose racist but there's times when a lot of us are accidentally racist and you just hope
00:54:00the times you're accidentally racist happen in the privacy of your own home but I can't be
00:54:06accidentally racist at home because home is where the black people are
00:54:10and my husband he's the black one in the half black situation you can't miss him unless it's dark
00:54:30people get really mad at him because they're like oh you married a white woman you've abandoned black
00:54:34families and I understand the logic behind that but I just want to like reframe it a little bit
00:54:41you know like as a white woman would and I don't think of it so much as like he abandoned black families
00:54:50as he stopped a white family from happening
00:55:01so he's really a hero
00:55:11and there's only really been one time that like as a mom that I've gotten like truly furious
00:55:16and that was when I was buying clothes and um do you know what baby clothes have pockets
00:55:25they have tiny little pockets for I don't know your worries
00:55:35and I do I am I find myself I'm lucky enough to breastfeed um breastfeeding's weird though it is weird
00:55:41um I've always been very supportive of breastfeeding moms you know like especially like
00:55:46in public I'm way more comfortable breastfeeding in public than I thought I would be I thought I'd
00:55:51feel really weird about it yeah I'll do it I'll do it anywhere and but like I also understand people's
00:55:57discomfort with it because like even if you support it you like don't know how to show your support
00:56:03you know like it's kind of I feel the same way as like when I like um see like like a person with one
00:56:09arm you know like and you like make eye contact with them you don't want to like look away right away like
00:56:14you know like but like you also don't want to make a big deal out of it you just want to be like
00:56:19hey look you and me just walking down the street two people and you're but if you need help I can help
00:56:27you but I also know you do this all the time so it's not you don't need help but you got it but if
00:56:34you don't you know and it's hard to know what face that is you know it's it's hard to know how to say
00:56:41that all with your face
00:56:46so I I get it I get when people are uncomfortable you know and then in America you know because they
00:56:53just care about women so much they um they put those like breastfeeding sheds in a lot of airports
00:57:01um so nice of them uh I personally I personally have never used one I don't think I ever would
00:57:09use one um mostly because I've never seen a woman go in but more importantly I've never seen a woman come
00:57:14out and also I'm almost positive if you open the door to that you're gonna see a guy in there being
00:57:26like yeah I milk stuff too but I was there's one day I was breastfeeding my baby and she she finished
00:57:42eating and I I lift her up above my head and yeah exactly what you think is gonna happen is about to
00:57:48happen so I lift her up above my head and I think to myself one of these days I'm gonna do this and my
00:57:55baby's gonna throw up all over my face and this is how connected me and my baby are
00:58:02no sooner did I finish that thought then my baby threw up directly into my mouth
00:58:08it was so direct that none of it got on my face it was just directly from her mouth
00:58:15into my mouth she reversed baby birded me
00:58:25and I was I was shocked but like I was holding the baby so you can't freak out when you're holding
00:58:31the baby because you're holding the baby so I just swallowed it
00:58:39and I know that sounds gross but it's still not come
00:58:42it went from my boob to her mouth right back into my mouth who is he
00:58:55and thank you very much I'm Michelle wolf
00:58:59Have a good night.
00:59:29The moon is rising somewhere in your eye.
00:59:37Yeah, this is real.
00:59:41The life we came from, sure.
00:59:45I'm shivering, sure, I'm scared, but I'm all yours.
00:59:51So breathe, breathe, breathe, darling, you.
00:59:57You can make my love go home.
01:00:01Make my love go home.
01:00:27I can take my love go home.
01:00:33I can take my love go home.
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