- 4 months ago
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00:00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise for Michelle Wolfe!
00:00:30Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, guys. It's great to be here. I actually haven't done a lot
00:00:43of stand-up this year. I took the first seven months of the year off because I had a baby.
00:00:52It died. No, I'm kidding. The baby's fine, guys. The baby's totally fine. But here's
00:00:59what they don't tell you about having a baby. A lot harder to tell dead baby jokes after
00:01:05you've had a baby. No one warns you about that. They warn you about everything else. They
00:01:11say your body's going to change. You're never going to sleep. No one, not a single one of
00:01:16you, pulled me aside and was like, hey, you know those dead baby jokes you love? Well,
00:01:21they're going to be a lot harder when you have an alive baby because you're going to feel.
00:01:29You're going to have a lot of regular bitch emotions. And you're going to want to recycle.
00:01:35And I know most of you didn't even like dead baby jokes to begin with. They weren't for
00:01:41you. And look, the baby, no, she's doing great. She's doing really good. You know who else is
00:01:48doing good? Me. Thanks for not asking. You remember me? I'm the one who's almost always
00:01:58holding the baby. And I do. I think one of the reasons I'm doing well is because I try
00:02:05to be like the best mom that I can be. I try to be like a good example and like a nice person
00:02:11and loving and caring. And I really try hard. But then I also still get to be a piece of
00:02:18shit on stage who tells dead baby jokes. And I genuinely believe that's the balance every
00:02:27mother needs. Because you weren't always a good person. Maybe the whole reason you have
00:02:33a baby is because you weren't a good person. But you're a mom now. You're a mom now. But
00:02:42who you were before still is in there. It's still in there. And you got to get it out somewhere
00:02:47or you're going to put it in the baby. And don't worry, she's not even going to hear
00:02:54these jokes. She's never going to hear these jokes because she's in the bottom of a well.
00:03:02Well, I don't know. Don't make them so perfectly baby sized.
00:03:12She learned to crawl. She'll either learn to climb or she won't.
00:03:15I do think being a mom has changed my perspective on a lot of things. Like, any gay men here?
00:03:31I've amassed quite a few gay male fans over the years. I would like to say to you all publicly
00:03:38now, we're through. Yeah, gay men, I'm not sure I like you guys anymore. I'm mad at you. I'm mad at you.
00:03:46I'm mad at you. First of all, I know when you say you're mad at gay men, gay men are like,
00:03:49sure you are, bitch. You know? You like it. You love it. Oh, my God, you're...
00:03:56You guys were, they were grasping each other. Like, it was like, we do. She hates us.
00:04:03Here's the thing. This is why I'm mad, okay? So gay guys, you wanted your rights. That's not the part I'm mad about.
00:04:07That's fair. You wanted your rights, and we wanted to help you fight for your rights.
00:04:12We wanted to help you for two reasons. One, because we thought equality was, like, a good thing.
00:04:17And two, you had a great slogan. Your slogan was, love is love. And a lot of us, especially us white women,
00:04:23were like, oh, my God. Yeah.
00:04:32That's, like, just what it is.
00:04:37You guys revamped Live, Laugh, Love, and we needed that.
00:04:49So you guys wanted your rights, we helped you fight for them, and then you got them.
00:04:53And gay men, let's admit it, you guys won, all right? Charlie, you got the Chocolate Factory.
00:04:58You got the Chocolate Factory, you turned it into, like, a weird sex palace.
00:05:05The Oompa Loompas have very different jobs now.
00:05:10They're not mad about it.
00:05:12And all those things. I'm not mad about any of those things. I'm happy all those things happen.
00:05:20What I'm mad about is that women, we started losing our rights, and all you gay guys were like, okay, bye.
00:05:26Sorry about all that abortion stuff.
00:05:35Maybe I'll take the baby.
00:05:44Is it going to be mixed? I would love if it were mixed.
00:05:46I thought we were on a really good path towards equality.
00:06:02And then Netflix put that Jeffrey Dahmer documentary out.
00:06:06And they put it under the LGBTQ category.
00:06:12Which is fair, he was gay, you know?
00:06:14Not the headline of the story.
00:06:18That wasn't the final episode. It wasn't like,
00:06:20and can you believe it? Gay!
00:06:31So Netflix puts it under the LGBTQ category,
00:06:34and then a lot of people got angry,
00:06:36so Netflix took it out of the LGBTQ category.
00:06:39And that made me really angry,
00:06:41because you don't just get the good gays.
00:06:50You gotta take all the gays!
00:06:55Yeah, sure, sometimes you're Elton John, and that's great.
00:06:59And other times you eat people.
00:07:01Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
00:07:04I'm a white woman.
00:07:05We don't just get the good white women.
00:07:06You know, sometimes we're Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
00:07:10And other times we're the rest of the white women.
00:07:11You know, sometimes we're Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
00:07:21And other times we're the rest of the white women.
00:07:30Honestly, I thought the whole thing should have made gay men feel more equal.
00:07:34You know, it's like, look at gay guys.
00:07:36They can lure people back to their homes, murder, and eat them too.
00:07:41They're just like straight men.
00:07:42I really, we did, uh, we, we did, we lost abortion this year.
00:07:54I don't know where it went.
00:07:55Oh, it's probably in the alley.
00:07:56Could be worse, could be in the well.
00:08:06And we lost abortion, and they overturned Roe v. Wade.
00:08:14And my problem with the abortion debate for the last several years actually hasn't been with Republicans.
00:08:19Because Republicans have been very clear about what they've wanted, okay?
00:08:23Republicans, love or hate Republicans, you've got to admit, those guys are planners.
00:08:28They see a problem, and they will chisel away at it until the swastika.
00:08:41They've been trying to overturn Roe v. Wade since it became a thing.
00:08:44They've been playing the short game, the long game, and they finally got it done.
00:08:48Now, Democrats, Democrats also had a strategy to make sure Roe v. Wade wouldn't be overturned.
00:08:53And Democrats' strategy was, don't worry, it's not gonna happen.
00:08:59Democrats' strategy is the same reason you need an abortion.
00:09:12They're like, don't worry, baby, it's, it's not gonna happen.
00:09:15Democrats are very frustrating, because they're the least effective group of people I've ever met.
00:09:24It's like everyone else is running a regular race, and Democrats are like, let's go three-legged.
00:09:30And everyone's like, no, we're just gonna run regular.
00:09:34And they're like, well, we're in this together, so...
00:09:42And it's super frustrating, because they have a lot of good ideas.
00:09:45They talk about a lot of things that sound really good.
00:09:47They just can't get anything done.
00:09:50They can't, they just, they don't plan for any obstacles or problems.
00:09:54They just, and they can't get anything done.
00:09:57You know who Democrats remind me of?
00:09:59Democrats remind me of that old guy who started Jurassic Park.
00:10:04Because I think we can all agree a dinosaur park is a fantastic idea.
00:10:10We would all love a dinosaur park.
00:10:13We would love that.
00:10:14But this guy didn't plan for anything.
00:10:16He wasn't like, what if there's a storm?
00:10:23On my dinosaur island in the middle of the ocean.
00:10:31I'm not saying I would necessarily ever vote Republican,
00:10:35but I would definitely pick one to run Jurassic Park.
00:10:37They would have kept the dinosaurs very separated.
00:10:48And, if you remember this, one of the fatal flaws was,
00:10:52all the dinosaurs were supposed to be female.
00:10:54And so they weren't supposed to be able to have babies.
00:10:56But then somehow, they ended up having babies.
00:10:59Republicans won't let this happen.
00:11:04They'd be like, these lesbian dinosaurs can't have kids.
00:11:08Isn't Jurassic Park so much more terrifying
00:11:12when you think of it as a lesbian dinosaur island?
00:11:19You're like, I want to go.
00:11:21I just feel like there's going to be a lot of rules.
00:11:33Republicans, also very good.
00:11:34They're very good at naming things.
00:11:35They've got pro-life.
00:11:37I think we can all agree, pro-life is great.
00:11:39That's fantastic.
00:11:41Pro-choice, pro-choice is so dumb.
00:11:43It just sounds bad.
00:11:44You just sound like an annoying girl
00:11:46who can't decide what to order.
00:11:48You're like, what are you going to get?
00:11:52Pro-life is great. Pro-life is good.
00:11:55And we can all agree, we're all pro-life most of the day.
00:11:59Like, all of us like life most of the day.
00:12:03There's a solid 95% of the day.
00:12:06There's like 5% of the day where we're like,
00:12:08I don't know about life.
00:12:10This is...
00:12:12But we also know that Republicans are only like pro-life technically.
00:12:18You know? Like, not in practice.
00:12:20Because if they were actually pro-life, they'd care about things like,
00:12:23you know, healthcare and education and gun safety and...
00:12:26You know, they'd care about things like trees.
00:12:34And they wouldn't be like, who needs clean water?
00:12:38You can just drink oil.
00:12:40I'm like, I don't have oil either.
00:12:45So, like, they're technically pro-life, you know?
00:12:49It's kind of like if a pedophile called themselves pro-child.
00:12:52It is technically true.
00:13:02Super pro-child.
00:13:07I'm gonna let you guys sit in that.
00:13:14Is there anything more mom than drinking a warm beverage that's cold?
00:13:18So we are, now we're living in the world where we have to have all the babies, right?
00:13:31We have to have all the babies.
00:13:33So you'd hope that they, like, create, like, some sort of infrastructure for us.
00:13:36Because it's like, it's not just like one person having a baby.
00:13:40It's like, we're collectively having the future.
00:13:42And we should care about that.
00:13:45Because, like, you know, I don't think right now is going too great.
00:13:49So maybe we should just, like, you know, with the future just, I don't know, try something different.
00:13:55You know?
00:13:57And you'd hope there'd be, like, some infrastructure, you know?
00:14:00Things like healthcare and education.
00:14:02But also, like, you know, caring about moms.
00:14:04You know, you remember them?
00:14:07Uh...
00:14:09Yeah, yeah.
00:14:10Not everyone's even clapping.
00:14:11That's great.
00:14:13Uh...
00:14:15Feels fair.
00:14:16You're probably like, I'm annoyed at my mom.
00:14:18Uh...
00:14:20I don't care that she made me.
00:14:21She called me, like, three times today about her password.
00:14:24And...
00:14:29And we should, we should.
00:14:31You know, like, hopefully we get to a place where we can, like, you know, give, like...
00:14:36Have things like, uh, maternity care and lactation support.
00:14:40And...
00:14:42Paid leave.
00:14:44And...
00:14:46You know, pretend to give a fuck about women just, like, a little bit.
00:14:50Just, like, uh...
00:14:52One or two centimeters dilated amount.
00:14:57And hopefully that all does happen.
00:14:59But unfortunately, all those things are long-term goals.
00:15:02I do think there's something we can do in the short-term for women.
00:15:05Something we can do for women right now that will almost immediately change things for the better.
00:15:10And that is, you can make us clothes that have some fucking pockets.
00:15:13I don't know who told you we don't want pockets, but she's a lying bitch.
00:15:28We want pockets.
00:15:29I bought a blazer the other day.
00:15:30I thought it had pockets.
00:15:32It looked like it had pockets.
00:15:34They were false pockets.
00:15:36I was furious.
00:15:38It's decorative fruit all over again.
00:15:40Don't put grapes in front of me that I can't eat.
00:15:45And, man, you're riddled with pockets.
00:15:48You're lousy with pockets.
00:15:50You've got them everywhere.
00:15:51Your pants are looser, so your pockets are bigger.
00:15:53You've got pockets in your shirts.
00:15:55You've got pockets all over your jackets.
00:15:57You've got... you have so many pockets.
00:15:59You have a pocket for decorative fabric.
00:16:03And you have big hands.
00:16:05Man, you have objectively larger hands.
00:16:07And you're only carrying one thing.
00:16:10We asked you to get two things, but you couldn't find the second thing.
00:16:13Even though it's exactly where we said it was.
00:16:18And then, meanwhile, us women, we have very few pockets, and we have these little hands.
00:16:25We have small, little hands that you like because it makes your penis look bigger.
00:16:29We have these tiny little hands, and we're carrying so many things.
00:16:37We have our keys, and the coffee, and a phone, and the emotions of the entire family.
00:16:46And I know. I know what you're thinking.
00:16:47What about your purse?
00:16:48Okay, first of all, our purse is full.
00:16:50Second, we're not allowed to take our purse everywhere anymore, because all you men were bringing guns places.
00:17:03And for some reason, that means we're not allowed to bring our purse everywhere, which is crazy.
00:17:09Because we weren't hiding your stupid gun in our purse.
00:17:11If we were, a lot of those shootings never would have happened.
00:17:22We would have been like, okay, hold on. I'm looking.
00:17:32Here, you want this? It's an unwrapped tampon.
00:17:36Well, I don't know. You think they're very scary.
00:17:41How about a snack?
00:17:44You might not want to shoot so many people after you've had a snack.
00:18:00Just a lot. There's so much for women to take care of and do.
00:18:04There's just, you know, and then I also worry.
00:18:07I worry because, like, I don't think there's, like, a lot of good female role models.
00:18:11You know, like, I have a daughter, and I want her to have female role models.
00:18:14And I'm not going to be one.
00:18:17And there's, like, not, you know, there's not a lot of women to look up to.
00:18:21Because we don't highlight women who, like, accomplish things, you know?
00:18:24Like, I said this joke the other day, and some guy was like, what about Eleanor Roosevelt?
00:18:28And I was like, she's so dead.
00:18:34Like, she's been so dead.
00:18:37And also, you know, what did she really do?
00:18:43You know, couldn't even say she was a lesbian.
00:18:45There's just not, there's not a lot of female role models.
00:18:56Like, I personally love, I love Martha Stewart.
00:18:59Martha Stewart is 81 years old, and she's, she's 81 years old, and she's a billionaire businesswoman.
00:19:06And then also recently, she was on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
00:19:10Yep, and see, this is the entire problem.
00:19:15I said she was an 81-year-old billionaire businesswoman, and none of you clapped.
00:19:21And then I said she posed in a swimsuit, and everyone got very excited.
00:19:26She's an 81-year-old billionaire businesswoman.
00:19:30No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:19:32You've lost your wooing privileges.
00:19:35As soon as she was on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit, everyone was like,
00:19:39is 81 the new 21?
00:19:41And it's like, first of all, God, I hope not.
00:19:45But also, that's not the significant thing.
00:19:48The significant thing is that she's a, she's an incredible, talented businesswoman.
00:19:54But no one cares until she puts on a swimsuit and lays down on a couch.
00:19:58Which, anyone can look good in a still photo in a swimsuit.
00:20:02You know what, I'm gonna need that cover to be a live photo.
00:20:04I'm gonna need to be able to press on the cover of that photo.
00:20:08And see you get up from that couch.
00:20:15But I think this is what happened.
00:20:16I think people saw an old woman who does crafts on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit.
00:20:21And they were like, oh, maybe that means me, a younger woman who also does crafts,
00:20:26could someday be on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit.
00:20:31And here's the thing you must remember.
00:20:34Martha Stewart is extraordinary.
00:20:36You aren't.
00:20:43Martha Stewart is an incredible, talented, hardworking woman.
00:20:46She started her career as a model.
00:20:48She started as, um, as a model.
00:20:50But she's very smart.
00:20:51She knew that wasn't gonna last forever.
00:20:53And she was like, okay, well everyone eats and has a house.
00:20:56So...
00:20:58I'm gonna get into the eating and having a house business.
00:21:02And she did, and she made millions of dollars.
00:21:05And then she went to jail for like a little bit of time.
00:21:07And then she got out and she made hundreds of millions more.
00:21:14And now she's just dipping her toe back in the modeling world.
00:21:19She's incredible.
00:21:20She's talented.
00:21:21She's hardworking.
00:21:22You have a little bit of a mustache.
00:21:27But this is the thing.
00:21:28I think people, I think, undersell talent and hard work these days.
00:21:32We undersell it.
00:21:33Like, because we see everybody doing everything on social media.
00:21:36And we, I say we because I do it too.
00:21:38We scroll through it all day.
00:21:39And people are just being, like, kind of shitty at everything.
00:21:42You know, like doing, like, stupid lip syncs or those dumb TikTok dances.
00:21:46You know, the ones that are like,
00:21:51And then you see that dance and you think,
00:21:53Oh my gosh, I think I can do that dance.
00:21:55Yeah, of course you can.
00:21:56It's a bad dance.
00:21:59It's a bad dance that doesn't take any skill.
00:22:02All those people that do TikTok dances,
00:22:04They look like they're not good at sex.
00:22:09They all look like people who give up in the middle of a blowjob.
00:22:15Do you know what Martha Stewart looks like?
00:22:16Martha Stewart looks like she decides when you come.
00:22:19I'm sure Martha Stewart hasn't finished blowjobs, but not because she couldn't.
00:22:32It's because you weren't ready.
00:22:34The other reason I think people got excited when they saw Martha Stewart on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit,
00:22:49It's because she's an older woman.
00:22:52And they were like, it goes back to all this body positivity stuff where they're like,
00:22:56See, look, old women can wear swimsuits too.
00:23:00And it's like, uh, first of all, you didn't know that.
00:23:05Have you not been to the gym in the morning?
00:23:07Cause if you've been to the gym in the morning, you know old women can wear swimsuits and they can also definitely not wear swimsuits.
00:23:18Like just like right in front of you too.
00:23:20You can just be like, hey, can I help you?
00:23:22And she'll be like, no, no, I'm doing good.
00:23:24I'm like, oh, okay.
00:23:25Cause we're just the only two people in the locker room.
00:23:29And there's just so many other benches.
00:23:38Like, I can't smell chlorine and not picture a naked old lady.
00:23:43But I think people got excited about Martha Stewart being on the cover of Sports Illustrated cause it's all this body positivity stuff.
00:23:56And I personally have always hated the body positivity movement.
00:23:59Yeah, I hate it.
00:24:00I don't believe you guys.
00:24:01I don't believe you guys at all.
00:24:03You're always, it's, you're always like, no, no, I love my, my thighs and my cellulite and the way my legs fit into my foot with no real ankle.
00:24:13You know what you sound like?
00:24:16You sound like a closeted gay guy trying to convince people he likes vaginas.
00:24:22Like no, no, no, I love a vulva and a labia and the way if you, you turn your head to the side and you squeeze the lips together.
00:24:29It's like you're having a little conversation.
00:24:34Hey, how are you?
00:24:37I'm good.
00:24:40Maybe tonight we'll just talk.
00:24:43We can share some secrets.
00:24:47Is it just me or the more I do that, the more it looks like it might feel good.
00:24:50I don't know.
00:24:51Guys.
00:24:53That's for a different show.
00:24:54I'm a mom now.
00:25:00So there was the, there was the body positivity movement and then there was another movement that came after it.
00:25:06It didn't last very long because it was so dumb.
00:25:08It was, it was even worse.
00:25:09It was called body neutrality.
00:25:11And this movement was, some of the people came over from body positivity and they were like, okay, you're right.
00:25:16I don't love my body.
00:25:18But I do appreciate that it works.
00:25:20And I'm like, all right guys.
00:25:23Um, we're working too hard here.
00:25:27Okay.
00:25:29Do you want to know the secret?
00:25:30Here's the secret.
00:25:31Just hate your body.
00:25:34Hate your body and be free.
00:25:37I don't care if you're fat, skinny, in shape, out of shape.
00:25:41Just hate your body cause it's gross.
00:25:45We're all gross.
00:25:47We're all animals who don't have fur.
00:25:50It's weird.
00:25:57You've seen hairless cats.
00:25:58That's who we are.
00:26:00We're all just hairless cats walking around on our hind legs pretending that's okay.
00:26:08Just hate your body and be free.
00:26:12And if you want to look nice, if you want to look nice, you should look nice.
00:26:16You should try, you know, like you should get dressed up.
00:26:19But you should look in the mirror before you leave the house.
00:26:21You should look in the mirror and still find at least one thing that makes you go.
00:26:27And then leave anyway.
00:26:29Leave anyway and go have a good time with your friends who also hate their bodies.
00:26:39And we all know if any of your friends don't hate their bodies,
00:26:42if any of your friends like their bodies,
00:26:43they're not your real friends anyway because they have a terrible personality.
00:26:49Like, do you think I leave the house every day and think my hair looks great?
00:26:56Listen, my hair's doing the best it can.
00:26:59My hair is the same as like a stupid kid.
00:27:04You know, like you ask the mom, you're like, how's Max doing in math?
00:27:07And you're like, the best he can.
00:27:16I just hate, I hate all the body positivity.
00:27:19I hate all of it because we try so hard.
00:27:22Women are always trying so hard to look good and it's such a fucking waste of time.
00:27:26And then drag queens, you come along, you're not helping us out at all.
00:27:33You're putting in so much effort, it's crazy.
00:27:37You're like, like, I see drag queens where they're like, how did you make those eyelashes?
00:27:41And they're like, oh, I weaved three together.
00:27:43And I'm like, you gotta stop, that's crazy.
00:27:45You can't give us more work to do. This is crazy.
00:27:52I'm mad at drag queens. I'm also mad at drag queens. This is why I'm mad.
00:27:56You guys, you guys get all dressed up and everyone's like, ooh, she's fierce and fabulous.
00:28:02And then women, we get all dressed up and everyone's like, ooh, she's difficult.
00:28:06Yeah, feels like there's a bunch of double standards.
00:28:16Like in a couple of years ago at the Met Gala, which is like Vogue's big like fashion event,
00:28:22all these celebrities come, they dress up in gowns.
00:28:24And this one year, Blake Lively, she was wearing this like really beautiful gown
00:28:27and she like ascended the stairs to the Met Gala.
00:28:30And then like a bunch of men surrounded her and unfurled her dress
00:28:33and it splayed down the stairs and it changed colors
00:28:36and it was this big like wow moment.
00:28:38And it did. It looked very, very cool.
00:28:41And then I saw online all these people were like,
00:28:44um, drag queens have been doing that move for years.
00:28:49She stole this from them.
00:28:52And it's like, all right, you want to start pointing fingers, buddy?
00:28:54You stole the whole dress thing from us.
00:28:59Where you want to start?
00:29:03It's like if they found diamonds in the Congo and Belgium was like,
00:29:07hey, that's our thing.
00:29:10Yeah, I thought I'd lighten up a drag queen joke with a joke about colonization.
00:29:22Back to the real problem, drag queens.
00:29:25Like this year for Pride Month, uh, Target, they made these swimsuits that for,
00:29:34they were for women and they had a place to tuck your penis.
00:29:38And, and I'm not, I'm not mad that that swimsuit exists.
00:29:42I'm just wondering, can we use that as a pocket?
00:29:44Maybe we can have a place to tuck our penis like right here.
00:29:58And I don't know if you know this, uh, a lot of our penises are the same size and shape as a phone, so...
00:30:09And you never know if we're gonna have a right or left penis, so you might as well just put two pockets.
00:30:17A lot of people, I guess a lot of people are mad at drag queens because, um, they're reading to children.
00:30:36I wanna be very clear, that's not why I'm mad at drag queens.
00:30:39Um, I'm not mad about that, and I also just don't believe it's happening.
00:30:44Because I don't think those two people are awake at the same time.
00:30:54That's like seeing a vampire and a rooster together.
00:30:57I mean...
00:31:02Oddly enough, in this example, vampires are children, and roosters are drag queens because...
00:31:08Cocks, you get it.
00:31:12I don't need to explain that to you, you're very smart.
00:31:20But it is, you know, like now, I just, I think a bit differently about a lot of things now that I have a baby.
00:31:25And I, I'm a little bit of an older mom.
00:31:29I'm a, I found out I was pregnant when I was 37, so I'm like an old mom.
00:31:32I'm a young dad, but I'm an old mom.
00:31:41And 37 is too old to decide if you wanna have a baby.
00:31:45You know, cause you know how good life can be.
00:31:49I think everyone should decide, everyone should decide or have a baby in their young 20s.
00:31:53Like in your young 20s, before you're like, you have any money, you don't know who you are, you're still trying to figure stuff out.
00:32:00Every day's a struggle.
00:32:02And then you see that little baby smile and it just gets you through.
00:32:07I was 37 and successful.
00:32:12Like I've been on private jets.
00:32:14There's no baby smile that's better than skipping the TSA.
00:32:20And I wasn't sure, you know, I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a baby, you know, I think there's like, um, there's like a bunch of different types of women.
00:32:32I don't know if you know that.
00:32:33Uh, there's, there's not just one kind.
00:32:37Uh, and like there's, um, there's women who know they definitely wanna have babies.
00:32:41And then there's women who know they definitely don't wanna have babies.
00:32:43And there's, and then there's women who know they definitely don't wanna have babies.
00:32:44And there's, and then there's women who would love to have babies, but who are struggling.
00:32:48And then there's this other group that I found myself in that's like the, uh, women who are like, I don't know.
00:32:57And that's when you don't know.
00:33:12Uh, and you either decide to have a baby or you run out the clock.
00:33:19And so I decided to have a baby.
00:33:21I was like, let's roll the dice on this.
00:33:23So I decided to have a baby, I was like let's roll the dice on this and a baby's a wild thing to roll the dice on.
00:33:30You know, it's like, I don't know, maybe I can ruin both of our lives.
00:33:37Maybe I can start some generational trauma.
00:33:44Give you something to pass on to your daughter.
00:33:53And like once I decided to have a baby, it's not like that went away, you know, it's not like I all of a sudden I decided I was like I'm gonna have a baby and then I was always like I'm excited, let's do all the things.
00:34:04I was still like, I don't know.
00:34:07I just kept getting more and more pregnant and being like.
00:34:18And like I had a little bit of a hard time with it because like I also like I have older friends who have older kids and those aren't people you should ask their opinions about if you should have a baby or not.
00:34:29You need to ask other people who also have babies because they'll be like no, you have a baby too and we'll be in it together, you know, in the good times and the bad, but we'll raise our kids together.
00:34:40I have older friends who have older kids and you ask them about having kids and they'll be like oh my gosh, I love my family more than anything.
00:34:47Also today I was on the way to Target and I was just thinking about never going home.
00:35:06No, I love those guys. I love them.
00:35:09They got me this necklace with all their birthstones on it.
00:35:15Feels a little bit like an electric fence collar.
00:35:23Turns out this is a job. I'm the boss and all of the employees.
00:35:27So.
00:35:30But it's so fun.
00:35:38And part of the reason that I think like moms think like that is because like like moms, moms love their kids like a crazy amount.
00:35:44That's the other reason I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids because like like I was scared of that amount of love.
00:35:50Like it's a lot of love. Like even if you don't have kids, you have a mom and you know your mom loves you like an annoying amount.
00:35:56Like you're just like get over it lady.
00:36:03And like I was I was scared about that amount of love.
00:36:06But then I also realized it's the exact amount you need to love kids to make sure that they survive.
00:36:13You know, like I think if moms love kids any less like a lot of us probably wouldn't be here.
00:36:17Like I think a lot of moms would have been like this one's broken. We're going to throw it back.
00:36:23Like anything a lot of moms would have taken that long minivan ride into a lake, you know.
00:36:30Like no, have as many snacks as you want.
00:36:39You can have screen time for the rest of your life.
00:36:41I can hear it calling in the air tomorrow. Hold on.
00:36:54But that amount of love, you know, it seemed like it's a scary amount of love.
00:37:05And I was also worried because like I love my job.
00:37:08I love what I do.
00:37:09And like logically I knew it was going to be possible to keep doing.
00:37:12But like logistically I knew it was going to be like really difficult.
00:37:16You know, like I travel all the time.
00:37:18That means I'm going to have to bring like people to help me with the baby.
00:37:21And that's extra, you know, hotel rooms and flights.
00:37:25And then I got to think about like, do I want to be traveling that much with a baby?
00:37:28Is that fair to the baby?
00:37:29You know, just to be like going from like hotel to hotel and airports all the time.
00:37:33And it's like, where are we going to put the well?
00:37:36And it's just like a lot of moving pieces, you know.
00:37:43And I also realized that I'm really lucky, you know.
00:37:47Like I got to decide how much time I wanted to take off work.
00:37:51And then how much I work now, you know.
00:37:53Like I got to take seven months off.
00:37:55Seven months is like, feels like a luxurious amount of time, you know.
00:37:59In Sweden they would call that five months too early, you idiot.
00:38:04But in America they say it's six months too long, you whore.
00:38:20And I also, I got to go back to a job that I love.
00:38:22Like a lot of women don't get to get that much time or any time off at all.
00:38:26And they have to go back to a job that they don't even like.
00:38:29Which is like, I mean, you have to go back to work.
00:38:31Like your body's like a car accident.
00:38:33Like literally the frame of the car is your body.
00:38:36Like did you know, did you know your bones move when you have a baby?
00:38:40Like your bones are in a different position.
00:38:43You have to go back to work with your bones in different places.
00:38:47And you're just walking around like it's normal.
00:38:49And you're, you're back there and there's like some shitty guy named like Jerry.
00:38:53Who's like, hey Jill, where's the data?
00:38:56And you're like, this isn't a heist movie, Jerry.
00:38:59But I emailed you the spreadsheets a couple hours ago.
00:39:04And of course you did.
00:39:05Of course you emailed Jerry the spreadsheets.
00:39:07But Jerry didn't see them because Jerry's an idiot.
00:39:10Jerry's, Jerry's always been an idiot.
00:39:13But here's the thing, Jerry didn't leave to have a baby.
00:39:17So he might not be smart, but he's there.
00:39:21And, and he's not like officially ahead of you.
00:39:24But he's like, he's a little ahead of you.
00:39:29And Jerry knows.
00:39:30It's the only thing Jerry knows, but Jerry knows.
00:39:32So he's very condescending now.
00:39:34And you're back at work and you don't, you don't, you don't like your job.
00:39:37And you might not want to be there or maybe you're grateful to be there.
00:39:41And also that makes you feel guilty about not wanting to be with your baby.
00:39:46And you thought maybe, oh, I could breastfeed here.
00:39:48But the closet they gave me is too small.
00:39:50And I think there's someone like watching.
00:39:52And there's just like a, like a lot of emotions going on.
00:39:56And a lot of things happening in your head.
00:39:58And I just say all this to say, I'm surprised that more women don't shoot the office.
00:40:06They probably, they probably would, but they're just like,
00:40:10I can't find my, where is it?
00:40:15Oh, you know what?
00:40:16I put it here.
00:40:17I put it in my penis pocket.
00:40:21I put it in my penis pocket because the cold steel felt good on my stitches.
00:40:28Don't get grossed out about that.
00:40:29Don't you dare get grossed out about that.
00:40:31That's how you got here.
00:40:33You got here because your mother tore her vagina.
00:40:37You don't say, ooh.
00:40:38You say, thank you, mommy.
00:40:40This is the thing, this is the thing I will never understand.
00:40:52Like, man, at some point you're going to have to explain this to me.
00:40:54Because you guys, I know, periods are gross.
00:40:58Birth is gross.
00:40:59I understand that.
00:41:00But you like gross things.
00:41:03Why don't you like this?
00:41:05This is right up your alley.
00:41:07It's literally up your alley.
00:41:10And you like, you like movies where people are like shot and there's like blood in the water.
00:41:15And you love when people are like blown to pieces.
00:41:18Or you love Mortal Kombat.
00:41:20Every finishing move in Mortal Kombat is the grossest thing I've ever seen.
00:41:24Meanwhile, some woman's like, I need a tampon.
00:41:27And you're like, ew, that's so yucky.
00:41:33You know what?
00:41:34Actually, that's not a bad finishing move in Mortal Kombat.
00:41:37Taking out a tampon.
00:41:44Your own, not your opponent's.
00:41:48Like, finish him.
00:41:54Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
00:42:00Fatality.
00:42:08So I was worried.
00:42:09I was worried about having a baby.
00:42:11Because also it's like, one of the reasons I think I was successful in comedy is because I didn't have a baby.
00:42:18This is like a lot easier to do without a baby.
00:42:21I know a lot of like male comics, they like, they have like families and then they're like, oh yeah, I miss my family so much when I'm on the road.
00:42:27I'm like, you should try taking them.
00:42:32You're not gonna miss them at all.
00:42:34And they're there all the time.
00:42:38And, you know, they talk a lot about in comedy, how like comedy is like sexist and misogynistic.
00:42:45And I don't know if you know this, um, all jobs are.
00:42:56I feel like we only talk about sexism in the fun jobs, but it's like, also at like CVS.
00:43:03And like, I have a microphone.
00:43:04I can talk about it.
00:43:05You know, like they don't have, I mean, I guess they have an intercom.
00:43:07So they could be like, um, there's sexism on aisle, all of them, all the aisles.
00:43:18And I'm not saying sexism doesn't exist in comedy, but after having a baby, do you know who I found out the most sexist people are?
00:43:26Babies.
00:43:28That baby doesn't come out and it's not like, all right, I'm gonna split my time between the both of you, all right?
00:43:34Ready?
00:43:36Mom, dad, we're all in this together.
00:43:37We're a team.
00:43:38Hut, hut.
00:43:40That baby comes out, you give that baby to the dad, that baby's like, who the fuck is this guy?
00:43:48He doesn't smell like us.
00:43:49Who is this?
00:43:52His nipples have nothing.
00:43:53Yeah, I think he's gonna eat me.
00:44:00Of course I'm upset.
00:44:01I think you're being a little bit of a bitch right now.
00:44:09Just the other day, I could feel walls all around me.
00:44:13Now there's no walls.
00:44:14I feel like I'm falling all of the time.
00:44:17I'm freaking out.
00:44:18And then you give me to this guy.
00:44:19Who the fuck is this guy?
00:44:24I think every dad knows this.
00:44:25I think every dad knows.
00:44:26That baby might have learned to love you, but when that baby came out, it didn't give a fuck about you.
00:44:36That baby will hold you back more than a man ever could.
00:44:42And so you do get away.
00:44:43You do break away from that crazy baby grip.
00:44:45And you get back to work.
00:44:46That baby's not leaving your head all day.
00:44:48That baby's in your head.
00:44:49It's made a home in your head all day long.
00:44:52It's like, oh, you're at work?
00:44:53That's interesting.
00:44:54I thought we were having skin time.
00:44:58Oh, are you doing a presentation?
00:45:00I wonder how I'm doing developmentally.
00:45:01Oh, you're in a meeting and you can't check your phone?
00:45:12Hmm.
00:45:13Maybe I died.
00:45:19Maybe I died and you couldn't save me because you needed a work-life balance.
00:45:25To be fair, to be fair, I'm sure men think about their families at work, too.
00:45:40I'm sure at some point in the day, you're like, that's right, I do have a family.
00:45:45Oh, my God, I have two.
00:45:47I always forget about the second family.
00:45:56Don't tell them that.
00:45:57They hate that.
00:46:06So I wasn't sure.
00:46:07I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a baby.
00:46:09But I was sure about what I wanted to do with the birth.
00:46:13I was going to lean all into the birthing experience.
00:46:16So I decided to have a home birth.
00:46:18Any other home birth moms?
00:46:21That is consistently the number.
00:46:25One.
00:46:28Normally one lady who probably smells like tea tree oil.
00:46:35Use it as deodorant.
00:46:36Use it as whatever you want.
00:46:37It's good for everything.
00:46:39Here's what I will say, all jokes aside, no jokes here, if you are, if you're pregnant, you want to be pregnant, and you haven't thought about home birth, or it's just you're thinking about it right now for the first time, I strongly encourage you to look into it, because I will say, hands down, best experience of my life.
00:47:00Absolutely unbelievable.
00:47:01It was amazing.
00:47:02You really found out how powerful and capable you are as a woman.
00:47:07And it's also probably why we don't encourage women to have home births, because, you know, that would be terrible.
00:47:19And, but there is, okay, so the joke reason why I had a home birth, because it's funnier, is that I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a baby.
00:47:35You know, and so, you know, the baby came out, and I was like, oh, whoopsie, I could have been like, hey, look at that sunrise, and then just, you know, it's so crazy, a hawk just flew in.
00:47:54Does that happen at a lot of home births? Do hawks steal a lot of the babies?
00:48:13There's a couple big differences between home births and hospital births.
00:48:16Um, like, uh, at a home birth, you're surrounded by people who, like, love and care about you and want you to be able to, like, progress naturally and are encouraging.
00:48:24And then at a hospital birth, you're surrounded by people who are like, oh, no, it's an emergency. It's Thursday, so we have to cut you open.
00:48:35So that's a point in the home birth column.
00:48:37Um, but a point for hospital births is that, um, a lot of, you know, most hospitals, like, plastic and linoleum, you can, like, wipe stuff down.
00:48:46Pretty easy.
00:48:48And at home, everything's absorbent.
00:48:50Uh, so then later, when people come over, you can be like, this is where we had the baby.
00:49:01Would you like some spaghetti?
00:49:07I love to serve my guests spaghetti, I don't know.
00:49:09And really, I wanted to, uh, I wanted to lean into this, so I was gonna have one of those water births.
00:49:16I was gonna get a birthing pool, uh, and I didn't know this about birthing pools.
00:49:20Do you know they're just regular inflatable pools?
00:49:24There's not, like, a special one for birth.
00:49:26It's just the same one you can use in your yard with your sad family.
00:49:30But I was excited about this, and that'd be, like, a gentle transition into the world.
00:49:38Uh, but I ended up not being able to use the birthing pool, because I ended up having a really quick labor.
00:49:42I couldn't use it, because my baby, she came too fast, which is the last time she's gonna get to say that.
00:49:47Please don't take my baby, please.
00:49:52I don't even want to tell that joke. It's just there, and I have to.
00:50:00But this one, I am gonna need you guys to prepare yourselves for this one, because, uh, just trust me.
00:50:07Uh, so, after I had the baby, I, uh, drank a placenta smoothie.
00:50:14All right, well, first of all, we mixed it with berries, okay?
00:50:17So it tasted of berry.
00:50:23But also, your body made the placenta, and it nourished your baby and gave it everything it needed to be born.
00:50:29And then you have the baby, and you have the placenta, and eating part of it is supposed to help you recover both physically and mentally.
00:50:37And I know, even after saying all of that, you're still like, that's fucking gross.
00:50:41But here's the thing. You've swallowed cum.
00:50:52And what that helped you recover from.
00:50:56Your body didn't even make that. His body made that.
00:51:00Who is he?
00:51:01How long has that been in there?
00:51:06What's he been eating?
00:51:08But now, now I have this really great baby. Rolled the dice, came out good.
00:51:21Uh, and I have this really great baby. Now she does, like, baby talk, you know?
00:51:26She'll be like, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
00:51:28And I talk back to her, but I talk back to her like I'm talking to you guys right now.
00:51:32Cause I'm, I'm a fun mom.
00:51:34And...
00:51:36So she'll be like, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
00:51:37And I'll be like, oh, that's interesting.
00:51:39Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
00:51:40Wow, I think so too.
00:51:42Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
00:51:43Thank you so much for sharing.
00:51:45Which is like, wrap it up, you know?
00:51:51And I like to think, I like to think she's like, telling me about her, a dream she had.
00:51:57Or, I don't know, maybe something she saw when we were out on a walk.
00:52:00And that's really nice if that's what it is, you know?
00:52:03But what if it's not?
00:52:06What if she's like, damn Jews?
00:52:11That's why I don't talk baby talk!
00:52:13I don't know the language.
00:52:16I don't want to accidentally be saying something super racist.
00:52:20And even worse, I have a half black baby.
00:52:23What if she's saying the n-word to me?
00:52:25She can say it.
00:52:28I don't want to accidentally be saying it back to her.
00:52:31She's going to be like, I have a racist bitch of a mom.
00:52:35And I have to be like, yeah, I agree with you on the Jew thing.
00:52:38It's very interesting, it's very interesting being the white part of a half black baby situation.
00:52:48Because, you know, like, I'm a white woman and it's, you know, I just have to be on guard to not be one, you know?
00:52:54So, like, we were at the airport bookstore, you know, like our local bookstore.
00:53:02And I think we can all agree, baby books are garbage.
00:53:07But I thought I'd buy one so she could look at it for 30 seconds before she tried to lick everything on the plane.
00:53:15And so, there's this whole series of baby books that's like, if I were a puppy, if I were a giraffe, if I were a unicorn, if I were a dinosaur, if I were an octopus.
00:53:26And then the last one in the series is, if I were a monkey.
00:53:31And I'm like, your dad's going to have to buy you this one because I'm not...
00:53:35You're not getting me with this.
00:53:36I'm not showing up to the counter as a white woman with a black baby in a book about a monkey.
00:53:40You're not getting me.
00:53:46Because I think all of us white people know, all of us white people know that there are times where we're accidentally racist, right?
00:53:51I mean, there's also times where we're very much on purpose racist.
00:53:56But there's times when a lot of us are accidentally racist.
00:53:59And you just hope the times you're accidentally racist happen in the privacy of your own home.
00:54:05But I can't be accidentally racist at home because home is where the black people are.
00:54:10And my husband, he's the black one in the half black situation.
00:54:23You can't miss him, unless it's dark.
00:54:30People get really mad at him because they're like, oh, you married a white woman.
00:54:33You've abandoned black families.
00:54:35And I understand the logic behind that, but I just want to, like, reframe it a little bit.
00:54:40You know, like, as a white woman would.
00:54:46I don't think of it so much as, like, he abandoned black families as he stopped a white family from happening.
00:54:52So he's really a hero.
00:55:11And there's only really been one time that, like, as a mom, that I've gotten, like, truly furious.
00:55:15And that was when I was buying clothes.
00:55:19And, um, do you know what baby clothes have?
00:55:22Pockets.
00:55:24They have tiny little pockets for, I don't know, your worries.
00:55:34And I do, I am, I find myself, I'm lucky enough to breastfeed.
00:55:38Um, breastfeeding's weird, though.
00:55:40It is weird.
00:55:41Um, I've always been very supportive of breastfeeding moms, you know, like, especially, like, in public.
00:55:46I'm way more comfortable breastfeeding in public than I thought I would be.
00:55:50I thought I'd feel really weird about it.
00:55:52Yeah.
00:55:54I'll do it, I'll do it anywhere.
00:55:55And, but, like, I also understand people's discomfort with it because, like, even if you support it, you, like, don't know how to show your support.
00:56:02You know, like, it's kind of, I feel the same way as, like, when I, like, um, see, like, like, a person with one arm, you know, like, and you, like, make eye contact with them.
00:56:11You don't want to, like, look away right away, like, you know, like, but, like, you also don't want to make a big deal out of it.
00:56:17You just want to be like, hey, look, you and me just walking down the street, two people, and you're, but if you need help, I can help you.
00:56:27But I also know you do this all the time, so it's not, you don't need help, but you got it.
00:56:33But if you don't, you know, and it's hard to know what face that is.
00:56:38You know, it's hard to know how to say that all with your face.
00:56:45So I get it. I get when people are uncomfortable.
00:56:49You know, and in America, you know, because they just care about women so much, they, um, they put those, like, breastfeeding sheds in a lot of airports.
00:57:00So nice of them.
00:57:03I personally, I personally have never used one.
00:57:07I don't think I ever would use one.
00:57:09Um, mostly because I've never seen a woman go in, but more importantly, I've never seen a woman come out.
00:57:20Also, I'm almost positive if you open the door to that, you're going to see a guy in there being like, yeah, I milk stuff too.
00:57:27But I was, there was one day I was breastfeeding my baby and she finished eating and I lift her up above my head.
00:57:44And yeah, exactly what you think is going to happen is about to happen.
00:57:49So I lift her up above my head and I think to myself, one of these days, I'm going to do this and my baby's going to throw up all over my face.
00:57:56And this is how connected me and my baby are.
00:58:01No sooner did I finish that thought than my baby threw up directly into my mouth.
00:58:06It was so direct that none of it got on my face.
00:58:11It was just directly from her mouth into my mouth.
00:58:16She reverse baby birded me.
00:58:25And I was, I was shocked.
00:58:26But like, I was holding the baby.
00:58:28So you can't freak out when you're holding the baby because you're holding the baby.
00:58:33So I just swallowed it.
00:58:36And I know that sounds gross, but it's still not come.
00:58:49It went from my boob to her mouth right back into my mouth.
00:58:53Who is he?
00:58:57Thank you very much.
00:58:58I'm Michelle Wolf.
00:59:01Have a good night.
00:59:06Thank you very much.
00:59:36What a little dude, what a real look.
00:59:37Take me abreaste in your eyes.
00:59:38Yeah, this is real.
00:59:39world.
00:59:40Because all I have Timmy when you're doing.
00:59:45I'm shivering.
00:59:46Sure, I'm scared.
00:59:49I've all your tense.
00:59:52So breathe, breathe, breathe, darling.
00:59:55You.
00:59:57You can make my love move on.
01:00:02Make my love move on.
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