- 3 months ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Laura Burris!
00:00:16Hollywood, how are you doing?
00:00:22Alright.
00:00:24Fuck yeah, we got some hotties with some bodies in the house tonight.
00:00:28Alright, looking good, like what I see, we got some ankles in this bitch, okay.
00:00:35I saw a guy on a motorcycle with a guitar strapped to his back.
00:00:39I was like, damn, how much pussy is this guy trying to get?
00:00:44All of it is shit.
00:00:47Leave some for everybody else, dude, damn.
00:00:51Hold on to your pussies, ladies, this guy's coming through, watch out.
00:00:55My goodness.
00:00:56But in my head, I'm just like, how ugly is this guy that he needs both?
00:01:01Probably has a bunch of tattoos, too, sick-ass body, fucking loser.
00:01:07Who here, just by applause, who's been on a motorcycle before?
00:01:12Me too.
00:01:17Been on a couple, not a big deal.
00:01:22Top speed, 25 miles an hour.
00:01:27Thought I was gonna die the entire time.
00:01:29And afterward, the guy's just like, it's fun, right?
00:01:34I'm like, I peed on your ass.
00:01:40Awful.
00:01:41Dude, you know what scared the shit out of me?
00:01:43I live on a third floor apartment.
00:01:46They trimmed the trees outside my place.
00:01:48No email.
00:01:49No note.
00:01:51Just, I look out my window, feet away from me is a goddamn guy in my tree with a chainsaw.
00:02:01I was like, great, now I'm horny.
00:02:03Had a ton of shit to do today, now I gotta stand here flirting with you.
00:02:12No, it scared me, dude.
00:02:14I was like, Jesus Christ, I'm fucking naked.
00:02:16What are you doing up here?
00:02:17Like, yeah, I took off my clothes once I saw you, but still.
00:02:22Stop looking at me.
00:02:26Nah, he did look again, but there wasn't much to see.
00:02:29Just, me and the cats.
00:02:35Doing our day.
00:02:37I have two cats so far.
00:02:43The girl one is fat.
00:02:46And everyone who's ever seen her has felt the need to point that out to me.
00:02:50Which, I got this cat when it was six years old.
00:02:53She looks like fucking shit.
00:02:55She has a piece of her ear missing.
00:02:57God knows where that went.
00:02:59She has black shit in her eyes at all times, that's non-negotiable.
00:03:04She has a snaggletooth.
00:03:06No one ever has shit to say about any of that.
00:03:09I'm just like, I didn't do any of this to this cat.
00:03:13This is what she looked like when I got her.
00:03:15This was a floor model.
00:03:19They're like, well, it's not healthy, she's overweight.
00:03:22Then don't fuck her.
00:03:23What do you want from me?
00:03:24Do you mind getting off her case, please?
00:03:25Let my cat exist in her body.
00:03:26Sorry, she won't make the calendar this year.
00:03:39You fucking asshole.
00:03:41You fucking asshole.
00:03:45My boy cat needed dental work recently.
00:03:48That fucked me in the ass to the tune of two goddamn grand.
00:03:53Mm-hmm.
00:03:54And they act like you're a piece of shit if you bat an eye at the price.
00:03:58This lady's like, well, he needs it.
00:04:00Well, I need $2,000, bitch.
00:04:04That's the conversation that's being had right now.
00:04:07Fuck me trying to keep a roof over our heads.
00:04:10Even though Dusty has cavities.
00:04:15You mind giving me 30 seconds to come to terms with how fucking fucked I am right now?
00:04:24I'm real.
00:04:26It's like they expect you to jump out of your seat, be like two grand for my cat's teeth,
00:04:31which I never thought about in my entire life up until this moment.
00:04:34Fuck yeah, dude.
00:04:36Make it three, I'll sell my car.
00:04:38I am so sorry that I paused for one second and think about it.
00:04:43I was forgetting I have a car that I can sell.
00:04:47To pay you for my cat's teeth.
00:04:50Which, have you seen a mouthful of cat teeth before?
00:04:53They're the smallest thing in fucking existence.
00:04:57They have two pointy ones.
00:04:59The rest of them are grains of sand.
00:05:00I'm like, what are we talking about right now?
00:05:05Turns out they're more expensive than diamonds.
00:05:07If you go by what they wear.
00:05:08That is true.
00:05:09That is true.
00:05:10I was like, if you bring that cat back out here and his mouth isn't filled with diamonds,
00:05:15so help me, I will rip this kitten poster off the goddamn wall.
00:05:18They gave me an itemized bill for the care he'd received.
00:05:25I was like, am I next time maybe asking me how comfortable I think we need to keep this cat?
00:05:31Because I feel like maybe we could have done without the satin pillow here on page nine.
00:05:36One hundred dollars I paid for cat morphine.
00:05:42That's street prices.
00:05:48And they sent us home with two little vials of cat morphine.
00:05:51And it made me nervous because I am a drug addict.
00:05:55I'm ten years clean and sober now.
00:06:03But I didn't get that far by keeping opiates in my home.
00:06:06I was like, I don't know if I should have this shit, honestly.
00:06:14I was like, fuck it.
00:06:15I called the vet.
00:06:16I was just like, yeah, so first things first.
00:06:18I do want to be crystal clear.
00:06:19I'm not planning to take my cat's medicine to get fucked up.
00:06:23But if I did, what would happen?
00:06:27And I could hear the lady like trying to figure out if I was fucking with her or not.
00:06:35You know, she was just like, all right, well, first of all, it's cat morphine.
00:06:41It's chemically a completely different drug.
00:06:44We didn't just give you a little bit of human morphine.
00:06:52And I felt so stupid.
00:06:54And then she was like, and also, you're not eight pounds.
00:06:57I was like, whoa, bitch.
00:07:02Is it not human morphine or am I not eight pounds?
00:07:10Because maybe if it's not human morphine, we don't even need to talk about my weight.
00:07:17Maybe if it's not human morphine, you can give me one moment to be like, oh, okay, thank you so much.
00:07:23That's plenty of information.
00:07:24Let's end the call.
00:07:25She was like, I'm just saying, even if you took all of it at once, which, ding, ding, ding, that's how I would do it.
00:07:36If I'm taking my cat's medicine to get fucked up, I'm not going to take it as directed.
00:07:45I'm not going to be like, oh, fuck yeah, it's been six hours.
00:07:51Time to party, here we go.
00:07:52She was like, I'm just saying, even if you took all of it at once, you probably still wouldn't feel anything.
00:08:06I'm like, see, I knew you were going to say something like that.
00:08:11I can already feel it.
00:08:15I need to know if I'm peaking.
00:08:16I got a night to plan.
00:08:21People hate cats though, dude.
00:08:23People will be like, if you died, your cats would eat you.
00:08:26I hope they would.
00:08:27I'm dead.
00:08:28They're starving.
00:08:29Ashes to ashes, baby.
00:08:30Bon appetit.
00:08:31Eat up, dude.
00:08:32Or they'll be just like, dogs are smarter than cats.
00:08:35Who gives a shit?
00:08:37I'm smarter than all of them.
00:08:39They didn't get it to help me with my taxes.
00:08:40I got it because it's a stuffed animal that walks around.
00:08:56It's hilarious.
00:09:00I'm afraid of dogs though.
00:09:05I don't understand how anybody isn't.
00:09:08Some of them are basically wolves.
00:09:10And I hate when I tell people I'm scared of dogs
00:09:13and they're just like, no, you just have to relax
00:09:15because they can smell the fear.
00:09:20They're like, oh, that is relaxing.
00:09:25So it'll only attack me if I feel how I do feel right now.
00:09:31Fitbit's about to jump off my wrist
00:09:33because it thinks I'm working out too hard,
00:09:35but oh, okay, I'll calm down.
00:09:37Now that I know I'm attracting the attack.
00:09:44My girl cat has heartburn now,
00:09:47so I have to give her a fourth of a Zantac every day.
00:09:50That's been a waking fucking nightmare.
00:09:53If you have to give a pill to a dog, you put it in cheese.
00:09:56The dog's like, cool, cheese, end of discussion.
00:10:01If you have to give a pill to a cat, the cat's like, break all four of my fucking legs, bitch.
00:10:05You want to get to me? You're going to have to go through me.
00:10:18And I'm about to be ridiculous.
00:10:19And I'm about to be ridiculous.
00:10:24Slide tackling this fucking animal every day.
00:10:28Afraid I'm going to snap its neck.
00:10:30And by the time I get her pinned down, the pill is dust.
00:10:35I have to rub it into her gums like it's fucking cocaine.
00:10:43They took her blood and the vet was just like,
00:10:45well, she's a little dehydrated. Try to get her to drink more water.
00:10:49Oh, okay. I'll let her know.
00:10:54How would I even begin to attempt to communicate that to this cat?
00:11:03I'm like, she has a bowl with water in it.
00:11:08That's where I clock out, dude.
00:11:10Honestly, one of her two jobs every day is to lap up a little bit of that.
00:11:16If she can't handle that, fuck her.
00:11:19Truly.
00:11:21Just about had it with this shit.
00:11:27He said, if she doesn't stop barfing, I have to get her an ultrasound.
00:11:30Those are a thousand dollars.
00:11:33I was like, let's get one thing straight.
00:11:35I didn't get myself an ultrasound when I was bleeding out of my ass for a month and a half.
00:11:44I drove up to Ojai and I saw a witch.
00:11:56That's true.
00:11:57She was a good witch. She fixed my shit for like a week.
00:12:02Then the spell wore off. I don't know what happened.
00:12:07I thought that she was a doctor. My friend kept calling her Dr. M.
00:12:10I thought I was driving up there to see a specialist.
00:12:13I got up there, no degrees on the wall.
00:12:16I was like, wait a second. Doctors don't have wind chimes.
00:12:19In a plug-in fountain? I know what this is.
00:12:25I'm in a witch's hut.
00:12:30She performed tests on me that have never been seen in a doctor's office.
00:12:35She got my hand wet with, swear to God, a makeup sponge.
00:12:39And she had me hold on to this metal thing and then she showed me lines on her computer.
00:12:45She was like, this one says you have mold in your lungs.
00:12:49This one means you have candida everywhere.
00:12:52This one says your kidneys are fucked.
00:12:55None of them are labeled.
00:12:57I'm like, first of all, this is a butt plug.
00:13:02None of this is medical.
00:13:06But she fixed my shit.
00:13:08I got sick again pretty quick after that.
00:13:10It's nice to have a break, you know? What are you gonna do?
00:13:13I was talking to my mom. My mom was like, are you still doing the diarrhea?
00:13:19I'm like, what do you mean doing?
00:13:23This isn't an activity I chose. It's a cross I bear.
00:13:30You mean am I still a victim of the natural disaster that is my asshole?
00:13:35Yeah.
00:13:37I remain a survivor.
00:13:41They prescribed me antibiotics at one point.
00:13:44I went to pick them up. Insurance wouldn't pay for them.
00:13:46I was like, all right, well, how much are they without insurance?
00:13:49$2,800 for a course of antibiotics.
00:13:53I was like, do you guys have it where I've heard of people sucking dick for pills?
00:14:09Do you guys have like a dick sucking mine I can hop in?
00:14:12It would be faster than me earning $2,800.
00:14:16This body of mine, man.
00:14:20I tried learning how to do the split six months ago, so I'm in physical therapy now.
00:14:26My hip, I was telling my friend about it and he was just like, do you have sciatica?
00:14:32I was like, I don't know.
00:14:33He was like, well, if you had sciatica, you would know.
00:14:36I'm like, not if I don't know what it is.
00:14:42I wouldn't just like intuitively know that.
00:14:46And then he told me what it was.
00:14:47I was like, oh yeah, no, I don't have that. I would know.
00:14:52I don't think I have a good doctor, dude.
00:14:55He wears sandals.
00:14:57That's not a great sign.
00:14:59Nothing says bottom of your class in med school like an open toe.
00:15:02Last time I saw him, his shirt had mushrooms on it.
00:15:08I was like, why are you telling me you do acid right now?
00:15:13But he was the first doctor to tell me I'm autistic.
00:15:17I had regular people telling me for years, but he was the first doctor.
00:15:25I didn't move my arms when I walked for the first 25 years of my life.
00:15:29Your girl was just cruising, dude.
00:15:33I was not wasting any energy on anybody.
00:15:39If you couldn't see my legs, you would have thought I was on wheels, truly.
00:15:44Just rolling in and out of rooms, gliding.
00:15:49You know why I didn't move my arms when I walked?
00:15:51Because you don't need to.
00:15:52You walk with your legs, I'm the fucking asshole.
00:15:58For not swinging my shit around for no reason everywhere I go.
00:16:02You wanting to do that is just left over from when we were still on all fours.
00:16:08Sorry I evolved.
00:16:12But I started swinging my arms around too.
00:16:14It doesn't come naturally to me though.
00:16:18I had to learn how to walk like a regular person,
00:16:20the way most people learn the steps to a dance.
00:16:24Because it's opposite arm, opposite leg.
00:16:28Once I get going, I'm fine.
00:16:29Opposite arm, opposite leg.
00:16:33You can't do same arm, same leg.
00:16:35That's not good enough for anybody.
00:16:37Same arm, same leg.
00:16:38People will shit on you as fast as they will for anything else.
00:16:46Another one of my autisms is I'm very smart at like two things,
00:16:51and I'm stupid at everything else.
00:16:55And people don't know that, so they have no patience for my dumbness.
00:16:59If you're obviously slow, people are just like,
00:17:02Oh, that's okay, this is hard.
00:17:04Good work, I can tell you're trying.
00:17:08But if you seem smart, people are like,
00:17:10What are you, fucking stupid?
00:17:15I'm like, yeah, I am actually.
00:17:17It's very challenging.
00:17:19I'm not like fucking with you pretending not to understand this.
00:17:25I have a lot of sensory issues too.
00:17:27I wear earplugs a lot.
00:17:29Sometimes I need them when I'm just with one other person,
00:17:32and people don't like that.
00:17:34I was hanging out with my buddy, I tried to like sneak him in,
00:17:39and he was just like, I'm sorry, am I talking too much?
00:17:44I was like, no, I'm just, I'm sensitive to sounds.
00:17:47And he was like, yeah, you say that, but the only sound I hear is me talking.
00:17:53I was like, I don't know what to tell you, man.
00:17:55You're kind of backing me into a corner on this one.
00:18:01I like what I hear, I'm just turning it down.
00:18:03I don't know what to tell you.
00:18:05But I made a woman cry at my last day job I had before I went full-time doing stand-up.
00:18:12I was actually working with autistic people, which was part of how I realized I was one.
00:18:17I was like, we shouldn't both be wearing earplugs right now.
00:18:32But yeah, I made this woman I worked with cry.
00:18:35She was playing a song right behind me, and I asked her to turn it down.
00:18:39I told her it sounded like nails on a chalkboard, and she put her guitar away, but she was pretty hurt.
00:18:50Stuff comes out of my mouth, and it sounds way meaner than it feels to me.
00:18:56Like, I miss a lot of social cues, and it comes off the wrong way, and I'll realize it way later,
00:19:01or when someone tells me about it, but I don't know that I'm doing it.
00:19:05So, if you try to talk to me after the show, I will be weird as fuck to you.
00:19:12That's true. I won't want to be. I try to be social.
00:19:15I go to parties if I'm invited.
00:19:22That wasn't supposed to be the funny part.
00:19:29But you have to, if you want to have friends.
00:19:31Do I set a timer for 60 minutes on my watch and leave after I put in my hour?
00:19:37Why, yes, I surely do.
00:19:40Do I take bathroom breaks when I don't have to pee?
00:19:43Wouldn't be a party if I didn't.
00:19:47But I'm there, baby.
00:19:50I went to a party, and a guy asked me if I would be more scared if I was in the woods,
00:19:56and I came across a bear or a man.
00:19:59And I was like, a bear, obviously.
00:20:02And he was like, 99% of women have been saying a man.
00:20:06And then this woman was just like, I would be more afraid if I saw a man.
00:20:11And I said, that's annoying because I don't believe you.
00:20:14Which, great example of something I didn't realize was rude until...
00:20:21The next day, I was like, oh, you can't just call people annoying.
00:20:27And I left the party that night being like, oh, I made friends.
00:20:31But she was just like, no, I would be more afraid to see a man,
00:20:40because I know women who are murdered by their partners.
00:20:43I was like, okay, is the guy in the woods your partner?
00:20:49Because if it's not, I would still be more afraid of the bear.
00:20:53Yeah, more men kill women than bears.
00:20:56We also interact with a lot more men than we do bears, don't we?
00:21:02If you went one day where you saw as many bears...
00:21:11As you normally see, guys...
00:21:18You would die that day.
00:21:21More cars kill people than bears, too, because we're not out here riding bears to work.
00:21:41We have sex with men. Try fucking a bear. Let me know how that goes.
00:21:48A bear would literally eat your pussy.
00:21:59You wouldn't be more afraid if every guy in here was a bear.
00:22:03I would.
00:22:08I'd be like, how the fuck am I supposed to make these things laugh, right?
00:22:20If you say you're more afraid of men than bears, I hope you get attacked by both.
00:22:24Anyway, that's me at a party.
00:22:30I have the self-awareness to know when I'm being weird as fuck, but I don't have enough to know how not to be.
00:22:42I think it's that feeling of, like, if you get way too high, when you're just like,
00:22:48all right, hold the eye contact till it feels bad.
00:22:52Once it feels bad, that's the right amount.
00:22:55Oh shit, what if I swung too far in the other direction and now I'm being weird that way?
00:22:59Look away. Oh my God.
00:23:01Look at how much they're doing. Do that much to that guy.
00:23:04And by then the guy asked me a question a minute ago. I'm just standing there.
00:23:22I was really nervous when I got tested for autism because I was like, I better have it.
00:23:27What if I don't? There's just no reason for this?
00:23:40The doctor writes up my report and she's like, yeah, it turns out you do understand social cues.
00:23:47You're just a weird bitch.
00:23:49I whooped fucking ass on the puzzles part of the testing.
00:23:57She was like, wow, you finished that one? Most people don't get that far.
00:24:00I was like, I know, what's next?
00:24:04And then proceeded to bomb balls at every other part of the test.
00:24:10Puzzles are my special interest. I do thousand piece puzzles every day
00:24:13because the bigger ones don't fit on my table and the smaller ones are for babies.
00:24:17And people get them for me as gifts, but they don't always know what kind to get me.
00:24:24Like they'll get me a big landscape with a huge sky. Fuck a sky.
00:24:30Do you know how hard it is to assemble 750 blue puzzle pieces?
00:24:36I'm not that autistic.
00:24:38Or they'll get me one that's like 350 pieces.
00:24:47I'm like, oh, this is going to be a cool 10 minutes.
00:24:53I take them on the road with me when I travel.
00:24:56I'll check a bag full of puzzles.
00:24:58I'm not allowed to do them at my sister's house anymore
00:25:01because she's an awful bitch who doesn't understand me.
00:25:07My sister's the one person who just doesn't believe I'm autistic.
00:25:11She's like, I think you're just really set in your ways.
00:25:14I'm like, that's what autism is, bitch.
00:25:16I rolled in here with a checked suitcase full of puzzles.
00:25:21That's clinical.
00:25:29But I can't do them at her house anymore
00:25:31because my nephews are crybaby tattletales.
00:25:36Aunt Lara, you're scary to do puzzles with.
00:25:39Well, I wouldn't be if you didn't fuck everything up.
00:25:45I'm sorry, you can't just start working on the middle of a puzzle
00:25:48before you've turned all the pieces over and assembled the border.
00:25:51Am I out of my goddamn mind?
00:25:53Am I out of my goddamn mind?
00:25:56I thought we lived in a civilization.
00:26:00I'm getting pissed at me because your twat mom raised you wrong.
00:26:05This whole thing was shot to shit already before I flipped the table.
00:26:09They came and they visited me, and they live in the woods in Wisconsin,
00:26:17so they had never seen, like, stoplights before.
00:26:22So we had to teach these two little boys
00:26:25that the orange hand means don't cross the street.
00:26:29So we had them at every intersection being like,
00:26:32white guy, that means it's safe.
00:26:34Just like, shut up.
00:26:35Like, it's true, but you can't say that.
00:26:45We went to the Natural History Museum and saw the butterflies exhibit.
00:26:54Butterflies are crazy, dude.
00:26:57Imagine going into a chrysalis.
00:27:00Imagine just one day just being like, I feel like I need to do this.
00:27:07It just feels right to me.
00:27:10And then it's just, like, pregnant with itself.
00:27:13Just like a booger in a cobweb for a while.
00:27:16I don't know if it thinks it's dead or what it goes through in there.
00:27:20And then one day you emerge a beautiful butterfly.
00:27:25Barely even had a body before.
00:27:28Could scoot like ten feet a day.
00:27:30Now it can fly.
00:27:32You get to land on people, watch them think it's a sign.
00:27:35She's like, oh, look, it's my grandmother watching over me.
00:27:46Nah, bitch, I'm a bug.
00:27:52Only thing I'm watching over is these flowers I'm about to suck.
00:27:58No, I love those little kids.
00:28:00It's gotta be embarrassing to be a parent sometimes, though.
00:28:02Because all little kids freak out sometimes.
00:28:05You know, they have tantrums.
00:28:06It's just what they do.
00:28:08Unless you abuse them, which you shouldn't.
00:28:12I hate when I come across an adult who's just like,
00:28:15my parents hit me, I turned out fine.
00:28:17No, you didn't.
00:28:18You're an asshole.
00:28:19Everyone hates you.
00:28:24I mean, if I hit a kid, I would probably hit it.
00:28:27But it's not because I believe in that.
00:28:29It's just poor impulse control.
00:28:33They're very noisy.
00:28:35I feel like we're supposed to like the sound of kids playing,
00:28:38but no one talks about the fact that the sound of kids playing is shrieking.
00:28:43They just shriek irrelevant shit over and over.
00:28:46I'm meditating in my place outside.
00:28:49I can hear...
00:28:51You guys, it's over here!
00:28:55It's over here, you guys!
00:29:01You guys!
00:29:08You guys!
00:29:09Shut the fuck up!
00:29:12God damn it, dude!
00:29:16Little kids will do everything in their power to get your attention
00:29:20and then show you the most underwhelming shit you ever saw
00:29:24in your whole entire life.
00:29:29Look at this.
00:29:30Watch this.
00:29:31Want to see what I can do?
00:29:32Watch me.
00:29:33Are you watching?
00:29:34I'm gonna show you something.
00:29:35Are you ready?
00:29:36Okay, look.
00:29:37I know how to do this.
00:29:38Watch.
00:29:44Don't cheer for that.
00:29:45That's the problem.
00:29:49That's what we do.
00:29:50I do it too.
00:29:52I'm like, oh, wow.
00:29:53Cool.
00:29:55Because I've never been able to say to it what I would say
00:29:58if it was my kid,
00:30:00which is just like,
00:30:02look.
00:30:10I love you.
00:30:11I love you.
00:30:13So it's okay that you showed that to me.
00:30:22Because I'm into your whole thing.
00:30:27But you don't need to show that to anybody else.
00:30:32Because basically everybody can do that.
00:30:37Pretty much.
00:30:38So it's just, it's not bad.
00:30:39It's just not gonna impress anybody.
00:30:43Okay, go play.
00:30:48I have a mom.
00:30:49She has begun trolling me on Facebook,
00:30:53which I don't appreciate for a single second.
00:30:56I post about my shows on social media
00:30:59and her friends commented that they wanted to come see me.
00:31:02My mom replied to their comment and said,
00:31:05you're not gonna like it.
00:31:06I'm like, mom, do you mind not actively fucking with my money?
00:31:21Is that a line we could draw, perhaps?
00:31:24I'm like, if you're gonna say shit like that,
00:31:26can you at least do it from a fake profile,
00:31:28so people can't tell that it's my goddamn mom
00:31:32saying how bad I suck?
00:31:37Oh, no one knows I'm your mom.
00:31:39I'm in your profile picture.
00:31:41God damn it.
00:31:44We have the same last name.
00:31:46Your profile picture is me with the old lady.
00:31:47They can tell.
00:31:48I don't know how to make a fake profile.
00:31:51Same as how you made the real one.
00:31:53Just don't put your real shit in.
00:31:55I'll do it for you right now.
00:31:56I'll make you as many as you want.
00:31:57This ends tonight.
00:31:59Bring me your Kindle.
00:32:00Where are your glasses?
00:32:01I believe that she doesn't know how to make herself a fake profile,
00:32:17because she is so bad with technology.
00:32:20I'm like, this is impossible.
00:32:22She sends me blank texts.
00:32:25It won't even let you do that.
00:32:28I'm like, how?
00:32:31I'm like, are you typing out spaces?
00:32:33What are you doing?
00:32:35How is this possible?
00:32:39But she knows her way around Facebook just fine,
00:32:41that's for sure.
00:32:42Wish she didn't.
00:32:45My friend asked me if you have bad teeth,
00:32:48because you always smile with your mouth closed in your pictures.
00:32:53Oh, did you ask her if she's an old bitch?
00:32:56Because she is.
00:32:58My teeth are fine, thank you very much.
00:32:59I go to the dentist every six months.
00:33:00That was not always the case.
00:33:01It used to be if someone told me they went to the dentist every six months,
00:33:03I was like, you think you're better than me?
00:33:04Fuck you.
00:33:06Every time I would go, I would be like, this is it.
00:33:08I'm going to start going every six months.
00:33:09I'm going to start investing in myself.
00:33:10By the end of the visit, I'd be like, fuck this, fuck you.
00:33:11I will see you in three years.
00:33:12Last place I went before my dentist.
00:33:13Now, they wanted to charge me $500 to fill a cavity.
00:33:14Kiss my fucking ass.
00:33:15What are you filling it with?
00:33:16Elvis Presley's cum?
00:33:18Every time I would go.
00:33:19Every time I would go, I would be like, this is it.
00:33:21I'm going to start going every six months.
00:33:22I'm going to start investing in myself.
00:33:24By the end of the visit, I'd be like, fuck this, fuck you.
00:33:28I will see you in three years.
00:33:33Last place I went before my dentist.
00:33:35Now, they wanted to charge me $500 to fill a cavity.
00:33:39Kiss my fucking ass.
00:33:41What are you filling it with?
00:33:43Elvis Presley's cum?
00:33:48Can't you just melt down a penny or something?
00:33:50Get that in there and shit.
00:33:53Use something less precious.
00:33:55You guys were using tin for the longest time.
00:33:58It doesn't have to match the other teeth.
00:34:00A bat couldn't place.
00:34:02I didn't even know I had that tooth.
00:34:05Until the dentist pointed it out to me.
00:34:07He showed me in his little circle mirror.
00:34:09I was like, well, I'll be damned.
00:34:10Who's this?
00:34:12I've never seen that tooth before in my life.
00:34:16I'm not going to invest in it.
00:34:19Like, the most I'll give you is $20 to knock it out of my head right now.
00:34:23I'll never think about it again as long as I live.
00:34:29I told him to fuck off.
00:34:30I walked out.
00:34:31That is true.
00:34:32I didn't even pay.
00:34:34It was a free exam, but I still didn't pay.
00:34:37I went and got a second opinion from my dentist I have now.
00:34:42He said I didn't even have a cavity.
00:34:44How fucked up is that?
00:34:46And if I had had one, he was only going to charge me $250.
00:34:49That's Dr. J.
00:34:50That's my goddamn guy.
00:34:53I see him every six months.
00:34:56I would see him every morning, if you know what I mean.
00:35:01Dr. J can get it.
00:35:04He's a tasty treat, dude.
00:35:07He didn't know who he was dealing with.
00:35:08No, sir.
00:35:10He leaned me back in his chair.
00:35:11I showed him my little teeth.
00:35:13He was like, you have great teeth.
00:35:15I was like, I will fuck you.
00:35:23Tell that to Gladys, Mom.
00:35:26My therapist told me to go no contact with my mom, so I stopped talking to her.
00:35:37To my therapist, not to my mom.
00:35:40I'm not going to stop talking to my mom.
00:35:43My therapist is like, she doesn't have any boundaries.
00:35:47She was born in 1955.
00:35:49We invented boundaries in 2018.
00:36:02She's not catching up, dude.
00:36:04Maybe we try and just meet her where she's at.
00:36:07My mom could kill my boyfriend and I would still visit her in prison.
00:36:12I would be pissed, you know.
00:36:15Not saying I wouldn't.
00:36:17I would use my I feel statements I've been learning in therapy.
00:36:22It'd be like, Mom, I felt very angry and sad when you killed my boyfriend.
00:36:28But I got some cigarettes up my ass with your name on, toots.
00:36:34She'd be like, what?
00:36:36Why'd you bring them in your ass?
00:36:37They let us have those here.
00:36:41I'm not smoking cigarettes, but in your fucking ass.
00:36:47Out of your mind, they probably smell like shit.
00:36:52They're for sure broken.
00:36:55B.S. she had surgery, she just beat breast cancer.
00:37:00They removed the boobs.
00:37:01Good as new.
00:37:02They even offered her new boobs.
00:37:03I was like, okay, Mom, here's where we make our money back.
00:37:05Now we're cooking with gas.
00:37:07Let's have a conversation.
00:37:09I was excited for her.
00:37:10I wanted to help her pick some out of the catalog.
00:37:12I was like, let's get you a set of juicy nasties.
00:37:14Here we are.
00:37:15Now's your time to shine.
00:37:16Let's get you some of the ones with the crack down the middle.
00:37:18Here we go.
00:37:22I was excited for her.
00:37:23She didn't even want them.
00:37:24She was like, no, I'm fine.
00:37:27But they were included in the surgery.
00:37:28Insurance was gonna pay for them.
00:37:29I'm not sure what's going on.
00:37:30You know, this is what's going on.
00:37:32I'm not sure what's going on.
00:37:33Okay, now we're cooking with gas.
00:37:35Let's have a conversation.
00:37:36I was excited for her.
00:37:37I wanted to help her pick some out of the catalog.
00:37:39was like, no, I'm fine. But they were included in the surgery. Insurance was going to pay
00:37:44for them. I was like, shit, I'll take the tits. No one else wants them? Fucking fix
00:37:50my ass up. All I'm saying is ask the other people at your table if someone else wants
00:37:56your fries before you tell the waitress not to bring them. I'll take those tits. The nurse
00:38:05was like, it doesn't work that way. All right, fuck you too, bitch. And that is the second
00:38:11time I didn't get big boobs from my mom. I have a friend who's getting a breast reduction
00:38:22because she has back problems. But I have back problems. I don't even have giant boobs. I'm
00:38:29like, I'm pretty sure that's just like 80% of adults, dude. What makes you so sure that's
00:38:36the boobs' fault? Awful confident in ourselves, aren't we? I'm like, what if they make them
00:38:45small and your back still hurts? Something to think about. Because I got news for you,
00:38:54sweet cheeks. If you don't like having a bad back and big juicy titties, you are going to
00:38:57hate having a bad back and a flat chest. That's some real shit right there. It's a risk. I would
00:39:06be a bad friend not to say that to her. And I can't wait till after the surgery. She's just
00:39:13like, damn, dude, my shit is still fucked. I'm like, yeah, I thought about that. Can you
00:39:22imagine she gets it done? And then later on, she's like, yeah, it turns out I was just
00:39:28wearing the wrong shoes. And she walks away with ugly shoes, tiny titties. That's why
00:39:44me personally, if I had huge boobs and a bad back, I'd be like, well, I guess you're doing
00:39:48surgery on my back. I lost my boobs in the war on obesity. I'm down over 50 pounds now.
00:40:07Thanks. Yeah, I thought I was done. I've been feeling good. I'm in the weight range my doctor
00:40:12gave me. But I was working with an elderly comedian recently. That's relevant. Give me a moment.
00:40:17And he was just like, Laura, you look incredible. Have you lost more weight? I was like, yeah,
00:40:22thank you so much. He goes, what do you got? 10 more?
00:40:29I was like, well, I do now.
00:40:37No, what I actually did was I burst out laughing and I said, I can't believe you just fucking said
00:40:41that to me. And that was when he realized he shouldn't have said it. Like, he's not a bad
00:40:47guy. I know him. He was trying to be supportive. So then he tried to dig himself out. He was just
00:40:55like, oh, I only ask because a long time ago I used to lift girls and I can't lift them if
00:41:02they're over 120. So I want you to lose more weight for selfish reasons. I was like, you got
00:41:08to stop talking, man. It's just got to end right now. Being liftable by a 76-year-old man
00:41:19is not one of my health goals.
00:41:26I can't eat jack shit anymore. I was watching a commercial. It had stuff in it. I was like,
00:41:31oh, I could probably eat that. It was like chicken, rice, vegetables. They spun it up. It was dog food.
00:41:37I bought a case. It's not bad stuff. Turns out I'm an Alpo gal. Who knew?
00:41:49Try to keep the wet food to the weekends. You know how it is.
00:41:55Because I have these digestive issues. I've been having this problem when I fly. Anyone else,
00:42:00just by applause, do you get gas when you fly? Okay. It's so many more people than that.
00:42:10I know because I Googled it when we landed. I barely had to type in the W.
00:42:16And Google was like, why do I get gas when I fly? I'm like, yeah.
00:42:21Word for word, that is what I was going to type.
00:42:23Turns out it's an air pressure thing. Like how your ears pop. Your butt wants to pop, too.
00:42:30But it can't. Until you land. And then I set myself free.
00:42:37I don't give a fuck. It is medical at that point.
00:42:40I just deflate my way to baggage clamp, truly.
00:42:45It's like a balloon someone let go of.
00:42:47I can hardly keep my little legs underneath me.
00:42:50I'm like, shit, carousel five already.
00:42:56And then you use those toilets they got at the airport that flush themselves,
00:43:01which I think I prefer to flush.
00:43:04The timing on those gets real aggressive.
00:43:08It snatched the toilet paper out of my goddamn head.
00:43:11I'm like, could I have a second, please?
00:43:16Before you rip my lips off? Shit.
00:43:24I fainted of autism on a flight recently.
00:43:27I got...
00:43:28I got overstimulated, and it was too much.
00:43:33And I always freak out when I fly.
00:43:35I give myself my sky talk.
00:43:38And I was giving it to myself.
00:43:39I was just like, you're just a person in a chair.
00:43:42That's all you are.
00:43:44You're just sitting.
00:43:45Couldn't fuck this up if you tried.
00:43:47I know it feels like you're not breathing,
00:43:49but we know that you are,
00:43:50because it always feels like this,
00:43:52and you've never died, so we're fine.
00:43:54This is just a feeling.
00:43:56And then I started losing consciousness,
00:43:58and I was like, oh, no, I am dying this time.
00:43:59Oh, okay.
00:44:03But by the time I realized what was happening,
00:44:06I was too weak to push the flight attendant call button.
00:44:09I kind of just flapped my hand on it.
00:44:11And I had to ask the lady next to me to help me,
00:44:14but I didn't want to tell her I was sick,
00:44:16because I didn't want her to think I was going to barf on her.
00:44:17So I said, I'm going to die.
00:44:28And then I said, help, I'm dying.
00:44:31And then I fainted on to her.
00:44:35And I don't know how long I was out,
00:44:37but I woke up to the sound of her being like,
00:44:40yeah, she said she was going to die.
00:44:42I wish I could take something for that anxiety,
00:44:50but I can't.
00:44:52People are just like, Xanax is awesome.
00:44:54I'm like, yeah, it sounds fucking awesome.
00:44:56I will burn my life to the ground.
00:45:00I can't do drugs that feel good.
00:45:02I can't drink.
00:45:03I bit a guy back in 08.
00:45:07I was alcohol and drug-related, needless to say.
00:45:14I was my whoopsie-daisy.
00:45:20I now know that it was wrong of me to bite that guy.
00:45:23But at the time, it felt like the right thing to do.
00:45:27I remember it, too.
00:45:28Like, I wasn't even blacked out.
00:45:30X was fucked up.
00:45:31I remember being at the crossroads and choosing that.
00:45:36Being just like, I am either going to bite this man,
00:45:40not at all.
00:45:48Or very hard.
00:45:51And I went in.
00:45:52What can I say?
00:45:55I honestly don't even have a great joke
00:45:57that goes along with that.
00:45:58I'm just trying to stay ahead of that situation.
00:46:01Because he took a picture of the bite mark.
00:46:03He could post that any day.
00:46:05And if he does, I want people to be like,
00:46:08yeah, she talks about biting that guy all the time.
00:46:17He told me he was going to show the picture to the police
00:46:20unless I shared my food stamps with him.
00:46:23We had some dark patches there.
00:46:30But it scared me.
00:46:31I didn't know what I would do.
00:46:32Because you really can't talk your way out of a bite mark.
00:46:36Like, if you looked at my mouth and you looked at his arm
00:46:39with your regular people eyes,
00:46:42you'd be like, yeah, that's your mouth.
00:46:44You bit him.
00:46:44I figured if he did call the cops,
00:46:47I would just be like,
00:46:49yeah, actually, he pushed his arm into my mouth really hard.
00:46:54His arm hurt my mouth.
00:46:56I was going to call you guys,
00:46:59but I'm not a bitch.
00:47:03Haven't bit anybody since then,
00:47:05but no one wants to hear about that, do they?
00:47:11Bite one guy, it's the talk of the town,
00:47:13but you never get any credit for the guys you don't bite.
00:47:15Do you think I haven't wanted to bite a guy since 2008?
00:47:24Dream on.
00:47:25I want to bite a different guy every day.
00:47:29I also got arrested when I was drinking and using,
00:47:32which you're not supposed to do either.
00:47:36I was so fucked up when that happened
00:47:38that when the lady woke me up and told me I could leave,
00:47:41I asked if I could stay.
00:47:45She was like, what?
00:47:46No, this isn't a hotel.
00:47:49I was like, then why did I pee the bed?
00:47:58I still like being around other people
00:48:00who are fucked up, though.
00:48:01That's hilarious every time.
00:48:03I was doing shows out of town with my buddy.
00:48:06We were watching a murder documentary in the hotel,
00:48:09and the name of the hotel in the documentary
00:48:11was the same as where we were.
00:48:13And he was high.
00:48:16I thought he was going to freak out and get paranoid.
00:48:19No.
00:48:20He goes, I think they just change it to wherever you are.
00:48:33I was like, I don't think so, man.
00:48:35I'm like, you think they're showing a different
00:48:40specific building to everybody who's watching this?
00:48:48I'm like, God, I wish I could be in your world.
00:48:54I don't watch too much of the murder stuff.
00:48:56I like to keep it light, keep it comfortable.
00:48:59I just re-watched Annie.
00:49:01That movie rules, dude.
00:49:02Who fucks with Annie?
00:49:05Oh, okay.
00:49:06No one's having gas on the plane.
00:49:08Everyone loves Annie.
00:49:09All right.
00:49:12Interesting crowd of liars.
00:49:16It's a good movie, though, dude.
00:49:17I watched that movie when I was a little kid.
00:49:19I was just like, Miss Hannigan is so mean.
00:49:21I watched that movie as an adult.
00:49:24Fuck those kids.
00:49:25Horrible little street urchins.
00:49:31Miss Hannigan is taking care of all of them by herself.
00:49:35She walks into the room.
00:49:36They put a rat down the front of her dress.
00:49:40And then they're like, Miss Hannigan drinks.
00:49:47Yeah.
00:49:48Cause of you, you little bitch.
00:49:51You're ruining her life.
00:49:52Miss Hannigan was about to have sex with Mr. Bundles, the laundry guy.
00:49:59A kid popped out of the closet.
00:50:01That's the villain.
00:50:05Imagine you are taking care of like a hundred little kids all by yourself.
00:50:10I really, I want you to take a moment.
00:50:12Go there in your bodies.
00:50:14Imagine the exhaustion.
00:50:16Now imagine you are woken up in the middle of the night by the sound of them performing
00:50:24a choreographed song and dance about how much they hate you.
00:50:37Fuck those kids.
00:50:52Miss Hannigan, we're having hot mush again.
00:50:56Bitch, you're a homeless child.
00:50:57That is your situation on this earth.
00:51:02What are you bringing to the table?
00:51:03Fucking nothing.
00:51:04That's what.
00:51:06Except a bad attitude.
00:51:09It's the Great Depression.
00:51:11She's probably getting a dollar a month to take care of all your asses.
00:51:14You think she's in the back fixing your crab legs?
00:51:16Fuck off.
00:51:17People shit on Miss Hannigan.
00:51:23And I'll tell you why.
00:51:24Right here and right now.
00:51:25Tonight.
00:51:26It's because she was a single woman back in the day.
00:51:30And she was pretty ugly.
00:51:37And they did that in The Wizard of Oz too.
00:51:40The Wicked Witch of the West.
00:51:41Before she got spun up in the twister, she was just an ugly school teacher.
00:51:45She was in the beginning.
00:51:47She rode her bike up to Aunt Em's farm.
00:51:49She was like, hey Dorothy, I noticed you and your dog been coming onto my farm.
00:51:53Your dog's been eating my crops.
00:51:55That's a perfectly reasonable grievance.
00:52:01In Dust Bowl era Kansas, of all times and places.
00:52:04See, these jokes got a little bit of history to them too.
00:52:09This poor woman probably used all of her water to grow one tomato.
00:52:13And then Toto ate it.
00:52:18I would have flipped the fuck out.
00:52:22Some big titty teenager wanders onto my farm.
00:52:27Let's her dog eat my food.
00:52:30I would have been like, hey asshole.
00:52:32See what happens if you ever come back on my land.
00:52:34Here's a hint.
00:52:37I will fucking kill you.
00:52:42My friend started dating a magician.
00:52:46So that can't possibly end soon enough.
00:52:51He does magic the way that like a guy will bring an acoustic guitar to a party.
00:52:58Where we're just like, oh it's, we're watching your performance now.
00:53:01Okay.
00:53:03And my friend doesn't even like magic, dude.
00:53:06She was high.
00:53:08And he performed a magic trick for us.
00:53:11And when it got to the punchline.
00:53:14Or the ta-da part.
00:53:15I don't know what it's called for magic.
00:53:17When it got to the point of the trick.
00:53:20My friend threw up.
00:53:26And I was just like, whoa.
00:53:28Is she barfing up her card right now?
00:53:34He didn't laugh.
00:53:36I was like, yeah, this guy's got to go.
00:53:40I don't like getting relationship advice from my single friends.
00:53:43Because their shit is a shit show.
00:53:46I won't fuck a guy until we're exclusive.
00:53:49That's just what I need to do for my personal sanity.
00:53:51And my friends think that that's insane.
00:53:53They're just like, well, but what if you get to really like the guy and then you find out the sex is bad?
00:53:58I'm like, I would rather have that than what you've been doing.
00:54:00Which is liking the sex and then finding out the guy's bad.
00:54:03My one friend has been crying to me about this man for over a year.
00:54:11He still doesn't want a relationship.
00:54:13I'm like, then stop fucking him.
00:54:15What are we talking about right now?
00:54:18If I put my hand on a hot stove and it burns me.
00:54:22And then I keep my hand on that stove for over a year.
00:54:29That doesn't make the stove an asshole.
00:54:34That's on me for fucking a stove.
00:54:39And I mean, yeah, you can still get fucked over by someone you've taken the time to get to know.
00:54:43But me, I like to know who's fucking me over.
00:54:47Someone you don't know fucks you over.
00:54:48You're like, what happened?
00:54:50I thought we were having such a nice time.
00:54:52I thought he liked me.
00:54:53Someone you know fucks you over.
00:54:55At least you can be like, man, that is so Keith.
00:55:01Typical, typical, typical.
00:55:02This guy.
00:55:05I don't like getting advice from my married friends either because their shit's always the most condescending shit I ever heard in my whole life.
00:55:12You just have to love yourself first and then the right person will come into your life.
00:55:18Like, I've been loving myself this whole time, bitch.
00:55:20That's why I haven't married any of the men I've dated.
00:55:31I got proposed to once like 15 years ago.
00:55:34I was still living in Milwaukee.
00:55:35A guy proposed to me.
00:55:36I said no because I knew that we weren't right together and I knew I deserved to be happy.
00:55:41I did think there would be a second proposal at some point in my life who got a little bit of egg on my face there.
00:55:51But yeah, my married friend was just like, you know, when it's the right person for you, you won't have that nervous feeling in your stomach.
00:56:01I'm just like, yeah, not if you settle for a fucking dork.
00:56:08Kevin makes me feel so safe.
00:56:10Oh yeah?
00:56:11That's because Kevin's ugly as fuck.
00:56:13You are safe.
00:56:20That dude's not going to leave you and he's not going to cheat on you.
00:56:23He can't.
00:56:25No one else wants to fuck your claymation looking ass husband.
00:56:35You're all proud he's out here looking like God didn't finish him.
00:56:43I watched my friend's baby be born.
00:56:49That was crazy.
00:56:52It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.
00:56:57I was nasty as hell.
00:56:59Why do people say that?
00:57:00They're just like, he's perfect.
00:57:02I'm like, oh.
00:57:04Looks like he was dipped in a parfait.
00:57:06Okay.
00:57:13But I saw it because dad got there late.
00:57:16He got there when the baby was coming out.
00:57:19He took one look, turned white as a sheet, goes, I can't do this, and left the room.
00:57:25I was like, what the fuck?
00:57:27We can leave?
00:57:32Why have I been standing here traumatizing myself?
00:57:35When I think about it now, though, I'm just like, did she ask me to watch it come out?
00:57:48Like, I don't think she did.
00:57:52I'm pretty sure I could have stayed north of the sheet.
00:57:56And she would have been fine with me supporting her from there.
00:58:02I don't think she was like, look at it.
00:58:05I mean, I get why I did, though, you know?
00:58:19I'd been there for hours.
00:58:21Conversation was at an absolute standstill.
00:58:25That's where everybody else was looking.
00:58:27I was like, all right, fine.
00:58:28I'll watch the show.
00:58:31When's the next time I'm going to see a baby be born?
00:58:33Turns out, never, if I have anything to say about it.
00:58:39My other friend just had a baby, and she told me she didn't tear.
00:58:43I was like, oh, I didn't ask.
00:58:48If we're talking about your pussy right now, all right, we're not close at all.
00:58:55I was like, also, you seem proud, but like, how big was your pussy?
00:59:00I was like, hell of a canal you're working with here.
00:59:07Damn, dude.
00:59:10I'm like, I'm not a gynecologist, but I've seen kids' heads before.
00:59:18Bigger than most pussies, right?
00:59:20I'm like, if anything, I would start lying.
00:59:24Tell people you did tear.
00:59:28But she's freaking out now, though, because she found out that her husband was cheating on her.
00:59:33I know.
00:59:35I don't think I would ever catch a guy cheating on me just because I'm not smart enough.
00:59:39I'd be like, when is he going to have time to cheat?
00:59:42He's been working till midnight every night.
00:59:50But yeah, she saw this bitch's number kept popping up on his phone,
00:59:54which, just change the bitch's name.
00:59:57Put Ant in front of it.
00:59:58That's all you got to do.
01:00:00Oh, now she's Ant Stacy.
01:00:02Nobody's fighting about that.
01:00:03Except I feel like you guys would find a way to fuck that up, too.
01:00:08You'd be like, hey, who the fuck is Ant Big Titties?
01:00:13Thank you so much, everybody.
01:00:14Good night.
01:00:17Stop it.
01:00:19Stop it.
01:00:22Thank you so much.
Be the first to comment