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BRITCOM I
  • 2 days ago

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00:00I love you.
00:30Oh.
00:40Hello?
00:58Fuck.
01:01Hmm.
01:03Oh.
01:04Oh.
01:05Oh.
01:06Oh.
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02:00Did we?
02:01Did we last night?
02:02What did we?
02:02What did we?
02:04Oh.
02:04Oh.
02:05We talked about music.
02:08The band.
02:09This band that I am involved with and my idea to do something more with it.
02:12Something more that silly cover songs and you seemed keen.
02:15Or more than keen?
02:17I am.
02:18I am.
02:19I will be.
02:20We came up with a whole song.
02:22Do you remember?
02:23We were singing it in the car.
02:25You with your fantastic voice and me with my calling.
02:29Not quite so fantastic voice.
02:33We don't have sex or anything?
02:35You and me?
02:37No.
02:39Oh, can you imagine?
02:42No.
02:43Anyway, look, we can catch up properly again this evening.
02:46If you want to, but you don't have to.
02:48But I could cook as a meal or...
02:51Are you vegetarian or anything?
02:52No.
02:53No, I think you told me that last night.
02:55Just help yourself to anything in the fridge.
02:58If you go out for a walk, can you lock up?
03:01Just put the key under the plant pot outside.
03:03Outside the back door.
03:05Otherwise, just make yourself at home.
03:09Yeah, if you...
03:10If you...
03:11Thanks.
03:12Oh, no, thank you.
03:14It's so exciting.
03:17Yeah.
03:18Is it?
03:19Shouldn't get too carried away.
03:21Early days.
03:22I'm usually back about five or six.
03:24And you've got my number.
03:26It's in your phone.
03:27Under Beth.
03:28We swapped phone numbers last night.
03:30So, um, call me.
03:32If you need anything at all.
03:34But you take it easy.
03:35Hey, Kitty.
03:36You've had a really unpleasant experience.
03:38And you need time to recover and sort yourself out.
03:42And you do need to see a doctor.
03:44Yeah, I know.
03:45I will.
03:47Thanks.
03:48Okay.
03:49See you.
03:51Let's start a riot.
04:19We won't be quiet.
04:22Riot women gonna set this world on fire.
04:30Yeah, hang on, Beth.
04:31I've got a message to ring you.
04:33Bye, Benny.
04:33See you later, lads.
04:36I love ya.
04:37See ya.
04:38See ya.
04:38Is there work?
04:38No, I just wanted to check you were all right last night.
04:41Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:43Sorry.
04:43I shouldn't have walked out like that.
04:45Hey, you don't have to apologise, Beth.
04:47Not to me.
04:47I'm just sorry Yvonne was such a pain in the bottom.
04:52I mean, I didn't even know she was coming.
04:53I don't even know her.
04:54I was just going with the flow.
04:55I was just thinking the more the merrier.
04:57Of course, yeah.
04:58So are you still in?
05:00I am definitely still in.
05:01Good.
05:02Right.
05:02So we're gonna meet on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
05:04I figured that I'd work for you,
05:05cos you said you'd never go out.
05:07I'm gonna work on Smoke on the Water,
05:09cos I can already do that on the drums.
05:11Waterloo and Layla.
05:12How about that?
05:13That's great.
05:13And listen, Holly gave Yvonne a right we're talking to last night
05:17after you'd gone.
05:18And we've decided we're just gonna perform
05:20whichever one we're all happiest with on the night.
05:23How about that?
05:24Perfect.
05:24That's brilliant.
05:25So...
05:26Yeah, yeah, well, as long as we can all agree, yeah.
05:28In other news, the other news is that I have found us a singer.
05:32A proper singer.
05:34Someone who can actually fucking...
05:35Oh, my God, can she sing?
05:37Go on, take everything, take everything,
05:41Take everything, take everything!
06:05Is there a shampoo?
06:06Oh, fuck off, you ought to toss it.
06:08Sorry, excuse me.
06:27Hello.
06:28Um, you've got an amazing voice.
06:31Can I get you a drink?
06:33What considered?
06:36You all right?
06:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:39Er, Diet Coke, please.
06:41Do you want to be in a band?
06:42You are.
06:43I know this will probably sound crazy,
06:45and it's not professional, there's no money,
06:47but me and a friend are trying to put a band together
06:50just for a bit of fun.
06:52But we haven't got a singer.
06:54Well, I meet someone who can actually sing.
06:57And it's just for this charity event,
06:59and we'd be doing a cover,
07:01and we're no good.
07:01Well, not yet.
07:03But what I was hoping
07:05was that eventually
07:06we'd be able to write our own material
07:08about things that matter.
07:11You see, we're all women on the wrong side of 50,
07:14and now, you're obviously younger than that, but...
07:17I want sort of things that matter.
07:20Oh, well...
07:20Well...
07:21In my case, erm...
07:25..our husband decided to leave
07:28about a year ago,
07:29which was fine.
07:31Except it wasn't.
07:33Not really.
07:34And then there's my son.
07:36He's married to a very nice girl.
07:39I just don't think I really exist anymore.
07:41Not in their world.
07:43And work's a head fuck.
07:44I'd love to retire,
07:46but there's a thousand reasons
07:47why that's not an option.
07:48And then, on top of all that,
07:49there's the inevitable.
07:51Headaches, nights, sweats,
07:53can't sleep, can't think straight,
07:54can't make a decision
07:55without bursting into tears,
07:56which all sounds a bit miserable.
07:59But I had a moment,
08:01and it all became more about anger
08:03than misery.
08:05Which is why I think punk is the thing.
08:08It's my era.
08:10I grew up in the 70s,
08:11and your voice.
08:14That's a real talent.
08:16To have such raw energy in your voice.
08:20That, I would think,
08:21is really rather rare.
08:25It's interesting you should say all that.
08:29I've been having a bit of a shit week myself.
08:32Turns out this fella's been having her on for years,
08:34telling her he can't stand his wife,
08:37and that he's leaving her.
08:38Only she finds out
08:39that he's got three weeks holiday booked
08:41in Antigua with his wife.
08:43And their two kids
08:44where they're going to reaffirm
08:45their marriage vows.
08:46So she realises,
08:47like a slap in the face,
08:49she was only ever meant to be
08:50his bit on the side.
08:51Men are just...
08:52They're just wired wrong, aren't they?
08:54And do you know what?
08:56I don't think they can actually help it.
08:57Don't make excuses for him,
08:59for fuck's sake.
09:00Sorry.
09:01And she's got her own
09:02very vivid take on things.
09:03And she's really keen.
09:05I mean, to develop songs and stuff.
09:06No, no, no way.
09:08Not Waterloo.
09:08No, it's a good song.
09:10It is a good song,
09:10but you want to be doing something like
09:11Billie Eilish,
09:12Bad Cat,
09:13Bikini King.
09:14Alanis Morissette.
09:15The shape of birdie like me,
09:18will she go down on you
09:19and I did it?
09:21Oh, there's too many.
09:22And I'm here,
09:23oh, it's too high,
09:24to remind you
09:26Of the mess you left
09:28When you went away
09:30It's not fair
09:32To deny
09:33Oh, skunk and antsy.
09:34As weak as I am
09:37No tears for you
09:39As deep as I am
09:41I'm no-one's fool
09:43As weak as I am
09:46Oh, lads in a party.
09:47And I will fuck you
09:49Like nothing matters
09:50And I will hold you
09:52Like he held you
09:53Can I just take your name and number
09:55so I can get in touch about rehearsals?
09:58Are you leaving?
09:59I got work in the morning.
10:00Have you literally
10:06Got nowhere to go?
10:09I used to invent swear words
10:12I am so inglorious
10:14And then
10:16Oh, the pitiful, shameful, shitty arguments
10:19We used to have
10:20And his favourite line was
10:21No, I shouldn't criticise him
10:23Because he wasn't the worst husband in the world
10:25Not by any stretch of the imagination
10:27But his favourite line
10:29In any argument was always
10:32You're just like your mother
10:34Oh, my God
10:35Which I used to hear as an insult
10:38And then
10:39When my mother got dementia
10:40Which
10:41I remembered
10:42All the thousand and one things
10:44I'd learned from her
10:46About life
10:47Across that sea of years
10:48When I was growing up
10:49That brilliant
10:51Articulate
10:52Kind
10:53Clever woman
10:54That was my mother
10:54And I thought
10:55Yes
10:56I am just like my mother
10:58Thank you very much
10:59So fuck you
11:00With your below-the-belt
11:01Shitty insults
11:02You see
11:03I always thought
11:04That would make a good song
11:06He said
11:07Oh, you're just like
11:08Your mother
11:09He said
11:10Oh, you're just like
11:11Your mother
11:12He said
11:13Oh, you're just like
11:14Your mother
11:15And he's done
11:15Nothing like yours
11:17Are you sure
11:21I can't make you
11:22Something to eat
11:24I don't really do
11:24Food
11:25Well, cheers
11:27What did you do to your face?
11:31Oh, it's been a funny few days
11:33I'm really sorry
11:35Is that your mum?
11:39Yes
11:39Yes
11:40And that's Tom
11:42My son
11:43Oh, and that's his wife
11:45Nice
11:48Have you got children?
11:52No
11:53I'm going to sit there
11:55Yeah, yeah
11:56Do, do
11:57I hardly ever see him these days
12:00He's happy
12:00He does his own thing
12:02But
12:02He doesn't need me anymore
12:04You see, that is another song
12:07There are so many
12:09I should be getting out
12:10My new keyboard
12:11I could write a thousand songs
12:12About this twat
12:13I've been dealing with
12:14I would help you with that
12:16I might damage something
12:18No, no, it's alright
12:19It's alright
12:20What do you do for
12:20You know
12:21Money
12:22Whatever I can
12:24Oh, God
12:32I thought it was an arm there
12:34Could you give her a job?
12:38Like behind the bar?
12:39Yeah, I can possibly give her a few hours
12:41She's a bit rough and ready
12:42But I like her
12:43She makes me smile
12:45She's cheered me up
12:47Yeah
12:48Well, I can have a chat with her
12:49If she can get herself down to the Duke
12:50With a P-45
12:51Yeah, sweetheart
12:52Yeah
12:53Right, I'm just going to sign us up
12:54To the talent contest
12:55Um
12:56What shall I put down as our name?
12:59Do you not like riot women?
13:01What about hot flush?
13:03Well
13:03I'll put anything
13:05We can always change it later
13:07Ah
13:08Right
13:20It's official
13:22It's in ink
13:23What are we?
13:24We're the riot women
13:25It's in ink
13:26It's in ink
13:27It's in ink
13:28It's in ink
13:29It's in ink
13:30It's in ink
13:31It's in ink
13:32It's in ink
13:33It's in ink
13:34It's in ink
13:35It's in ink
13:36It's in ink
13:37It's in ink
13:38It's in ink
13:39It's in ink
13:40It's in ink
13:41It's in ink
13:42It's in ink
13:43It's in ink
13:44It's in ink
13:45It's in ink
13:46It's in ink
13:47It's in ink
13:48It's in ink
13:49It's in ink
13:50It's in ink
13:51It's in ink
13:52It's in ink
13:53It's in ink
13:54It's in ink
13:55It's in ink
13:56It's in ink
13:57I'm here
13:58Sorry, who's talking to me?
13:59It's silly
14:00You're silly
14:01Sorry, I didn't see you there
14:02It's time to be more like the grown-ups
14:03We're in the same business
14:04We should communicate
14:05We should share and tell
14:06Yeah, yeah, sure, sure
14:07Any time
14:08Bye
14:09I am prodding you
14:10With my olive stick
14:11Oh, what?
14:12So you couldn't call me customers again?
14:13Lovely, thanks
14:14Ta-da
14:15Because we have things in common
14:16Yeah, we don't
14:17Have a nice day
14:18Jessie, come on
14:20This is ancient history
14:21Oh, is it?
14:22Is it really?
14:23Well, what about that time you pranged my fiesta?
14:25Eh?
14:26Not even so much as a sorry
14:27Sorry I've written your car off, Jess
14:28No, Jess
14:29You pranged my truck
14:31You were on your phone
14:32No, no, I was not on my phone
14:33I was not on my phone
14:35That was a lie
14:36You told the insurance company
14:38I'm sorry
14:39I am sorry
14:40You lost
14:41You're not claims-bombs
14:43Yeah, funny
14:44Funny, look, everyone's laughing
14:45And you gave me Covid
14:47Shouting me face with your breath
14:48I was ill in bed for six weeks
14:50And you're just swanning around
14:51Like the arrogant ignorant fucktard that you are
14:53And that's the only reason the insurance company came down on your side
14:56I was too ill to contest the thing properly
14:58And that's not ancient history
14:59So, yeah
15:00I am ignoring you, actually
15:02Inez
15:03Bye-bye
15:04You make me sad, Jessie
15:07We were friends once
15:09We can be friends again, no?
15:11Jess
15:12Well, boo-hoo, suck it up
15:14So, playing an electric guitar is different to playing an acoustic guitar
15:21I mean, the chords are all the same but then there's different stuff
15:24Like, do you know about your power chords?
15:25No
15:26I've not even got a guitar yet
15:27I need to find someone I can borrow one on
15:28Will you be playing rhythm or lead?
15:29No idea
15:30So, rhythm guitar is like you're playing chords
15:32Like you're supporting the drummer, like keeping the beat going
15:34And then lead you're doing like your riffs, your licks, your solos sort of stuff
15:37Okay
15:38You got an amp?
15:39With fire?
15:40I haven't got anything
15:41Well, when you get your guitar, you're gonna need to get an amp as well
15:44And then you can start thinking about your pedals, your pedal board
15:47What pedals?
15:48For your different sounds
15:49You'll get him started on his pedals
15:51I mean, you can just plug it straight into an amp if you've got a combo but that's it
15:54Bit shit
15:55So, you're gonna need your overdrive pedal, your reverb pedal, your delay and your distortion
15:58Who loves his pedals?
15:59You don't need all of them, not to start with
16:01But I'd definitely get like a tube screamer, a banging hangover, a wire pedal, kind of like a crybaby
16:06And a big muff
16:08You'll love it, honestly, you'll change your life
16:10A big muff, how?
16:11What's your budget?
16:13I haven't got one, I told you, it'll all be over in a few show weeks, I'm not spending any money
16:21What are you doing?
16:36I'm asleep
16:37It's not that loud
16:38Well, go do it somewhere else
16:39What, at me other house?
16:40Well, I would only, oh yeah, I haven't got one
16:42I meant in the shed
16:43Ten to eleven, I've retired, this is my new hobby
16:45You can't be serious
16:46You know now about it
16:48Yet, I soon will
16:50What time does your shift start?
16:52Twelve
16:53Right, well, you have to be up anyway then, don't you?
16:54Yeah, well I could have had another ten minutes
16:56PHONE RINGS
16:57PHONE RINGS
16:59PHONE RINGS
17:00Yes
17:01Holly?
17:02Yes
17:03Fucking ridiculous
17:04You're fucking ridiculous
17:05It's Rudy
17:06Rudy, what's happening?
17:08Well I'm with a lady and I'm thinking, it's your mum
17:11It's got nothing to do with you, where I'm going, God alone knows why you've called the police
17:16She's sat waiting for a train at Sorby Bridge railway station in her dressing gown and slippers
17:21Oh my God, how's she got there?
17:24Er, taxi
17:26Any road
17:27The driver wasn't sure he should be leaving her on her own, so he's rung three nines and er, well I've found your contacts in her purse
17:46It's a bugger if you can't set up for the day without being reported to the police
17:51You're in your night clothes, he was worried about you
17:53Oh, get with it
17:55Everyone goes out in the pyjamas these days
17:58Have you never been to Lidl?
18:00I'll go after my birthday suit next time
18:02Then he'll have something to say
18:04Well, it'll be contrary to section 66 of the sexual offences, Aunt, but you crack on
18:08Oh, now I'm a sex offender, that's new
18:11In, oh, was a clever answer
18:14What you been up to now, Nancy? Often a little odyssey was here
18:17Oh, God almighty
18:19She's here, let's go
18:21No, Mum, no, hi, Veronica
18:23Where was you heading for, eh? Lanzarote, Bill Sunshine?
18:26She just talks rubbish
18:27How's yourself, Holly?
18:28Yeah, good, good, thanks
18:29Doesn't look like she's taking her meds again
18:31You're gonna take your pills for me, Nancy
18:33Can you tell her to fuck off? She doesn't listen when I say it
18:36No, we don't use language like that, not to a house professional
18:39Professional? This one? She wipes her arse on the curtains
18:43Well, where have you got them from? You can't say that
18:46Oh, bless her
18:47You see, this is what happens when you skip your meds, Nancy
18:49You start using naughty words
18:50Naughty words? Does she think I'm six?
18:53You do, you get your potty mouth on
18:54You can go now, cos Holly's here
18:56I'm sorry, I am sorry
18:57Are you all right? She loves me, really
18:59Oh, and the rest
19:01Do you want some tea?
19:02Oh, and there's some nice biscuits somewhere
19:05Not them she brings
19:06See, they'll be worried about where I am
19:22That's all I was thinking
19:26Who?
19:28Me mum and dad
19:30You know, they've not seen me for weeks
19:35Months
19:37I can't remember the last time I was there
19:41Could you not drive me over?
19:47That they're not there anymore
19:51Aren't they?
19:54You all left Hull in 1941
19:59After the bombing
20:01When you were nine
20:02Did we?
20:08Where are they then?
20:14They're dead
20:21They're dead
20:23Yeah, yeah
20:25They're dead
20:28Both of them
20:32Yeah
20:35They've been dead a while now
20:37They were very old
20:39They had a nice life, a good life
20:41Always smiling and laughing and full of fun
20:48Does that what Colin know?
20:52Yeah
20:53He
20:54Uncle Colin, he knew
21:06Let me clean your glasses
21:08I
21:11You can do
21:12I can't see through them either way
21:18Oh, shut me up if I've said it before
21:23You've said it before
21:24Oh, no one could have been kinder to her than me when she came here
21:27I gave her a job
21:29I gave her a roof overhead
21:30That's practically a mother to her
21:31And then she goes and opens that wine bar behind me back
21:34Oh, yeah
21:35All done and dusted
21:36And after she's learnt everything there is to know about the business
21:39Not just about the business
21:40But the business in this town
21:41Off me
21:42Antec saw me regulars off me
21:44Overnight I had an empty pub
21:45Had to build it all up again from nothing
21:47And I did
21:48Anyway
21:49I won't go on again about the fucking Spanish bitch
21:53She's Catalonian
21:54I know where she's from
21:56Shouldn't you be practising your drums, Mama
21:58If you're not going to make a top dick of yourself in a few weeks
22:01You see, I'm just not like that
22:02Unscrupulous
22:03Devious
22:04Underhand
22:05Manipulative
22:06Sneaky
22:07I've never been like that
22:08A liar
22:09And so, you see, I don't always see it in other people
22:11Then, of course, it's always a shock when other people do behave like that
22:13Oh, for God's sake, Mother
22:14Will you have a day off?
22:16Always complaining about people
22:17Always finding fault in everybody
22:19You're not perfect yourself
22:23Are you seeing Bruno again?
22:25Bruno?
22:26What are you on about?
22:27Always sneaking about
22:29Do you think I'm fit?
22:30Clarking yourself up not to learn any one way you're going
22:33Oh, God
22:35If you're seeing that abusive little...
22:38I haven't got words bad enough for him
22:40If you're seeing him again, you want your head examined later
22:42Why would I be seeing him?
22:44Well, I don't know, something's going on that you're not telling us about
22:46She's seeing Inez
22:52What?
22:54What did you say? What did you say, Mary?
22:56No, I'm not
22:57Well, what is she saying it for?
22:58Well, because she's off a jump, she's senile
23:00She's away with the trolls, I don't know
23:02Are you protesting too much?
23:03No
23:04Well, why are you going red?
23:05I'm not
23:06Jesus, H
23:07Dude, I can see who I like, you know
23:09Alright?
23:10As long as it's not someone that's going to hurt you again like Eden
23:13Well then
23:14Well then
23:15Well then
23:16Well then, so why is it a secret?
23:17Chloe?
23:18Because I know you don't like her
23:19Who?
23:20Inez!
23:21Hi girls
23:23Oh, Gerry's here now with the beer
23:26Geriatric
23:27You know where everything goes
23:29Chloe, get back here
23:31You alright, Mary?
23:32Yeah, I'm good
23:33Thanks Gerry
23:34Are you lying?
23:35I'm minding my own business
23:37If this is true
23:38Forever
23:39You better think long and hard about what you want out of it
23:41Because that's it as far as I'm concerned
23:43Why?
23:44Why?
23:45All the things I've done for you
23:46All the rubbish I've put up with over the years
23:48Rescuing you from one bad idea after another
23:50All the jives and insults and geriatric
23:53And now this
23:54I can't even process it
23:56We don't have to because it's none of your business
23:59Is there anything more calculated to upset me?
24:01I can't, I can't begin to imagine
24:03Always, always
24:04It's always about you
24:05You're not even like that
24:06Right, well I am
24:07So
24:08Oh right, so is that why you've got three kids to two different fellas?
24:10Oh, I'm not even getting into
24:11Inez!
24:12Of all people
24:13Of course it's Inez
24:14Obviously, it's Inez
24:15What could be worse than that poisonous little toss of Bruno?
24:18Only you could aim so high
24:20Oh my god
24:21Oh my god
24:22I think I'm having a heart attack
24:23I think I'm having a stroke
24:24Better have a lie down then
24:25If you think for one minute
24:27For one fraction of a split second
24:29That I am child minding and babysitting
24:31The second people to school and on holiday
24:33And everything else to do for you
24:34While you go doing what
24:36Whatever it is you're doing with that bitch
24:38I don't think anything
24:41I don't expect anything from you
24:43Cause all you want to do
24:44Is show off what a wonderful granny you are
24:47And what a useless parent I am
24:49Well you know, if the cat fits
24:51Alright
24:52Fuck you
24:54I'm off
24:55And I'm taking Bronte with me
24:56Where?
24:57Where?
24:58And for your information
24:59We was at it when she lived here
25:01Before I even went out with Bruno
25:03Before Bronte were born
25:04And if you hadn't kicked up such a fuss
25:06And made life so hard for everybody when my dad left
25:09We'd have probably got it together then
25:11And I never would have been involved with bloody Bruno
25:13And I don't suppose it's ever occurred to you
25:15That I was basically having a breakdown when your dad left
25:20Oh me, me, me, me, me
25:23She's having you on
25:24She isn't
25:25She is
25:26You forget I know her
25:27You don't know her
25:28You think you do but you don't
25:30Because you are blind
25:33It's all twisted in your mind
25:35All the truth about what happened with me bloody dad
25:39And I'm out of here
25:41And you won't be seeing none of these kids for dust
25:44Ever
25:45Again
25:46Do you believe
25:47Otherwise
25:48Anybody
25:49For anyone
25:51Don't believe
25:52Yep
25:53Do you believe
25:54You
25:55Will
25:56There
25:57Joes
25:59Jack
26:00Don't believe
26:02He
26:04It's
26:05K
26:06He
26:07It
26:08No
26:09You
26:10It
26:11Oh, my God.
26:41Oh, my God.
27:11Oh, my God.
27:41My darling Tom, I'm sorry about this and I hope you're able to forgive me, but there have been too many times lately when I feel like I've forgotten how to live.
27:53How to be in the world with anything resembling joy.
27:56I don't know why. I think I've always been disposed this way, but somehow it's all got to be more of a burden recently.
28:04Don't be sad about it. I want you to have a wonderful life. Always try and be happy and try to be consciously aware of it when you are happy, because I've discovered that if you're not careful, it can all slip away from you far too easily.
28:19I will always love you, wherever you are in the world, and wherever I may have gone to. Mum.
28:30Oh, my God.
28:41Fuck, no.
28:47Fuck, no.
29:05Oh, my God.
29:35Hello? Tom? Mum, hi. You busy?
29:48Er, no, I'm not. I'm just driving home from work.
29:51So, you know what I said yesterday about coming over to see you and changing the date?
29:54I do, yeah.
29:56Well, the thing is, what are you doing this Sunday?
29:59Because me and Fern were going to Liverpool to see my mate Toby, but he's blown us out because he's got Covid.
30:04Oh, do you? Is he all right?
30:06No, the twat is in bed.
30:08Well, that's fantastic. Shall I make us some lunch?
30:12If you like.
30:13Oh, well, you could take me out, seeing as it was meant to be for Mother's Day.
30:17Yeah, but if you're making lunch anyway...
30:19Well, I wasn't, but that'll be lovely, though. Sunday lunch, at home, with you.
30:23And this is definite. You're not going to blow me out if you get a better offer, are you?
30:28Course not.
30:29Right. OK, well, I'll be very happy to see you.
30:33All right. Love you. See you later. Bye. Bye.
30:36Bye. Love you. Bye.
30:38Bye.
30:39Bye.
30:45Bye.
30:47Bye.
30:51SIREN
30:56SIREN
30:58Mmm. So...
31:01work...
31:03...mhm...
31:05SIREN
31:12Hi.
31:14Hi.
31:15I'm still here.
31:16Good.
31:17Have you had a good day?
31:19Yes, actually. Really not too bad.
31:22What about you?
31:24Listen to this. I'm going to do it on this because I can't work out loud pedal on that.
31:37I used to think your words could hurt me
31:42We were spiralling and taking chunks out of each other
31:47But you crossed the line and you lost your wife
31:54When you said to me, you're just like your mother
32:00Saying it like it's an insult says more about you than it does about me
32:06He said, oh, you're just like your mother
32:09He said, oh, you're just like your mother
32:12Poor little man child forced to suffer
32:15Cause apparently I'm just like my mother
32:18The joke's on you
32:20Cause you never really knew her
32:23A rebellious, suburban, bad-ass bitch
32:26Who never for a second would've taken your shit
32:29Saying it like it's an insult
32:32Says more about you than it does about me
32:35He said, oh, you're just like your mother
32:38He said, oh, you're just like your mother
32:41Poor little man child forced to suffer
32:43Cause apparently just like your mother
32:47That's as far as I've got
32:48Oh, Kitty, that is wonderful
32:50Do you not like it?
32:51No, I do very much
32:52Are you laughing?
32:53No, it's really good
32:55I was smiling
32:56I think it was shit
32:57Not remotely, but did you not like the rebel with the sparks card line?
33:00She's the countdown queen
33:01Yeah, I just, I haven't got it in there yet, but I will
33:04And you can play?
33:05Oh, I flicked through the manual
33:06Oh, come on
33:07I did GCSE music
33:08You never said
33:09I forgot
33:10I wanted to get out of hockey, but yeah
33:12And I had keyboard lessons for a couple of years
33:14So hardly anyone did music O-level at my school
33:17And I went to a grammar school
33:18Well, you're assuming I went to Shit Street High
33:20Which I did to start with
33:21But then we were 13
33:24I got sent to this posh private school in North Yorkshire
33:28Only I got expelled
33:29Did you really?
33:30Eventually for dealing in illegal substances, yeah
33:33No, I mean, did you really go to
33:34Oh, my dad made a lot of money one way or another
33:36Plus he couldn't stand the sight of me
33:37So it was no brainer to shell out some notes and just dump me in some smart arse school
33:43And me mum had died
33:45So yeah, it was just a nuisance as far as he was concerned, so
33:49I'm sorry
33:50I know, it was an education and all sorts of things
33:54Except, you know, education
33:57No, I mean about your mum
33:59Well, I am very impressed
34:05I made spaghetti bolognese
34:09Have you?
34:10Well, I've made something
34:11Is...is that okay?
34:13Yes!
34:14Yes!
34:15It's a treat for me coming home to a cooked meal
34:18Thank you
34:19I was worried you might have left
34:20I was worried you might have suddenly got it into your head that I was some kind of weirdo and cleared off
34:23Well, it did occur to me you might be a serial killer
34:25Did it?
34:26I'm not
34:27I'm not
34:28Although I would say that, wouldn't I?
34:30I'm not either
34:31I have got many and varied faults but that's not one of them
34:33I'm going to go and get changed and then would you want to sing it again?
34:36Oh, you can stand it
34:37Oh, I'm so excited
34:38Oh my god
34:39You have written a song
34:41Half a song, they were your words and I feel it was your tune
34:43No, no
34:44You came up with the tune
34:45Did I?
34:46Well, one of us did
34:50I'll open a bottle of wine
34:51I'll put spaghetti on
35:05Erm
35:06My son and his wife are going to come over for lunch on Sunday
35:09And if you're still here, which you probably won't be because you probably will have found somewhere of your own
35:13With your own friends by then, but if you are here
35:16I'll let myself guess
35:17No, I mean you'd be welcome to join us
35:19Oh
35:21Er
35:22Sure
35:23Thanks
35:24And I need to give you the number of my surgery
35:26Oh, and I spoke to my friend Jess this morning
35:29And if you need any work, just to tide you over
35:32She said she might be able to offer you something behind the bar
35:34She owns a pub in Hebden
35:36The Duke
35:37Do you know it?
35:38Okay
35:39Thanks
35:49She said that you're just like your mother
35:54He said, oh, you're just like your mother
36:16He said, oh, you're just like your mother
36:19Poor little man, child, forced to suffer
36:21Because apparently I'm just like your mother
36:24He said, oh, you're just like your mother
36:28He said, oh, you're just like your mother
36:31Poor little man, child, forced to suffer
36:34Because apparently I'm just like your mother
36:37He said, oh, you're just like your mother
36:41Fucking hell
36:51This is West Yorkshire Adoption Services
37:06Our lines are currently closed
37:08Please call back between the hours of 9am
37:11Rebel with a Sparks card
37:19She's the Countdown Queen
37:22Gotta go
37:23This is Kitty
37:25Kitty Eckersley
37:28And this is Holly and...
37:31Nisha
37:31Nisha
37:32And Cam
37:33Oh, Nivonne
37:35Hello
37:36Hello
37:38Hi Anne
37:39Hi
37:40Where's Jess?
37:41Right, I'm here
37:42I'm here
37:43I'm here
37:44Sorry, sorry, sorry
37:45Can't find the lead for this bloody karaoke speaker
37:48Just trying to do a thousand things at once
37:50Are you alright?
37:51Yeah, yeah
37:52Oh, is this Kitty?
37:55Hello, I'm Jess
37:56What have you done to your mouth, love?
37:58Cut myself shaving
37:59Ah!
38:00Ah!
38:01Ah, you fucker
38:02I was telling Jess on the phone
38:05Kitty has got the most amazing singing voice
38:08And are you alright now then, Beth?
38:10Don't start
38:11I wasn't, I was being nice
38:12Yes
38:13Thank you, Yvonne
38:14What are we going to do first?
38:15Can we do Waterloo first?
38:17Because it's the only one I've got a remote chance of getting through
38:19Yeah, and we've been working on our moves to Waterloo, so...
38:21Lovely
38:23Great
38:24Of course, also me and Beth have been working on this other song for the last two days
38:27I want to add that to the mix of stuff we might end up doing at this talent show as well, so...
38:31Yeah, we could sing it for you and then, if you like it, maybe we could all work on it
38:36Yeah?
38:37Sure
38:38Right, so, hang on, do you all know how to get plugged in and tuned up?
38:41We'll find out, won't we?
38:42Sorry, how do you two know each other?
38:44Oh, we don't
38:45Oh, not really
38:46I heard Kitty singing in a bar the other night after I left here and I couldn't believe it
38:50She sounded so...
38:52Gets you, right here
38:55So I asked her to join us
38:57I need to get my keyboard out the car
38:59Do you want a hand there?
39:01Oh, thank you, Karen
39:02You all right?
39:03Be all right
39:04Yeah
39:14Have we got microphones?
39:15Yeah, we've got microphones, Jess
39:16Yes, that's what I'm doing now
39:18The Randall says that karaoke amp should work perfectly well for what we need
39:21Yeah?
39:22Yeah?
39:23Er...
39:24Right, er...
39:25There's some microphones standing somewhere
39:28It's all right, Nisha, do you mind just going next door and ask them a Ronda where they are?
39:31John
39:32Where'd you get all that from?
39:42Oh, people are so pathetically grateful when you deliver their babies for him without damaging him
39:46It nearly makes up for the stupid hours we have to work and not getting paid properly
39:49It's only borrowed, you can stop turning green
39:52Right, so is everybody ready?
40:00Yeah
40:01Woo!
40:02Ready
40:03On the count of four then, yeah?
40:04Mm-hmm
40:05Okay, and...
40:06One, two, three, four
40:11Sorry, that was me
40:12Sorry, that was she
40:13Just go again, go again
40:14Straight away, come on Jess
40:15One, two, three
40:17Hang on, hang on
40:18Right, okay
40:21Are we ready?
40:22Yeah
40:23Yep
40:24One, two, three, four
40:31Now am I
40:32And what a love
40:34I'm holding in surrender
40:37Oh yeah
40:38And I have met my destiny
40:41In quite a similar way
40:44The history book on the shelf
40:47It's always repeating itself
40:54Woo!
40:55I was defeated
40:56Right, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop
40:57What?
40:58Push that beat, love
40:59That is too slow, there's no energy holding Beth back
41:02An horse without moves
41:03I know, I know, I'm sorry
41:04I'm sorry
41:05I was worried about you, Holly, actually
41:06I thought I was rushing you
41:07Yeah, I'm sorry about this, this is hard
41:09This is difficult, I've never done this before
41:11Yeah, mate, well, we couldn't...
41:12We couldn't... Jess, are you all right?
41:15Yeah.
41:16Right, OK, well, maybe we'll just play it through once,
41:18no matter how bad or slow we're out of time,
41:20and then we unpick it afterwards, yeah?
41:21Yeah, oh, you two could play at the proper speed,
41:23cos you know what you're doing.
41:25And you two just...
41:26just do what you can.
41:28If you get lost or whatever, just come back in when you can, all right?
41:30Cos they can keep it going.
41:32Is that how you're gonna sing it?
41:33Are you, uh...
41:35Are you talking to me?
41:37Well, it was aggressive, it was verging on nasty.
41:39It's not that sort of song.
41:40Well, that's my shtick, baby.
41:42It's the mood I'm in.
41:44If you want Saka in, you're looking at the wrong chick dudes.
41:46Seriously.
41:49Yeah.
41:50I think you sang the wrong words there, Kitty.
41:54It's...
41:54Waterloo, how would you feel if you won the war?
41:57No...
41:58Well, you sang something different.
42:03Waterloo, I was defeated, you won the war.
42:05Oh, wow, OK, who knew?
42:08Ah, play a play.
42:09For your version, though, it's less meh.
42:11Like, handing everything to the guy on a plate.
42:13Do you like our moves, Kitty?
42:15I didn't see him, love, I wasn't looking at you.
42:18Oh.
42:19Sorry.
42:20I'll look out for him next time.
42:21Oh, I forgot to say, there's a couple of little saxophone solos in the chorus.
42:24One after war.
42:25I was defeated, you won the war.
42:30That's it.
42:30Couldn't escape if I wanted to.
42:33That we thought that you could do them on that,
42:35if you feel up to it at some point in the future.
42:36Who did?
42:37Well, me and Beth did.
42:39When we were driving over earlier, listening to it.
42:42Do you know which bit I mean?
42:43Yeah.
42:44Yeah.
42:48Maybe not today, but, you know, eventually.
42:49Gonna count us in again, then just the go!
42:52Right.
42:52Is everyone ready?
42:53Yes.
42:54Right, here we go.
42:55One, two, three, four...
42:56One, two, three, four...
42:57One, two, three, four...
42:58One, two, three, four...
42:59One, two, three, four...
43:00One, two, three, four...
43:01One, two, three, four...
43:02My, my...
43:03I want to lose, Napoleon didn't surrender.
43:07Oh, yeah.
43:09And I have met my destiny in a quiet, simple way.
43:15A history book on the shelf is always repeating itself.
43:23One, two, three, four...
43:24One, two, three, four...
43:25One, two, three, four...
43:26One, two, three, four...
43:27One, two, three, four...
43:28One, two, three, four...
43:29One, two, three, four...
43:30One, two, three, four...
43:31One, two, three, four...
43:32One, two, three, four...
43:33One, two, three, four...
43:34One, two, three, four...
43:35One, two, three, four...
43:36One, two, three, four...
43:37One, two, three, four...
43:38One, two, three, four...
43:39One, two, three, four...
43:40One, two, three, four...
43:41One, two, three, four...
43:42One, two, three, four...
43:43One, two, three, four...
43:44One, two, three, four...
43:45I'm amazed to keep you
43:47Oh, what a girl
43:51Finding a place in me
43:53Mara, has a good walk around here?
43:56She's in the garage
43:57My life
43:59I try to hold
44:02And what the fucking words are
44:04Oh yeah
44:05And now it seems my only chance
44:09Is giving up your faith
44:12And how could I ever refuse
44:15Oh, what a girl
44:16Oh, what a girl
44:18Oh, what a girl
44:20What a girl
44:22I was a feeling you were the more
44:25What a girl
44:28I promised I'd love you forever, Mom
44:31What a girl
44:34Couldn't escape if I wanted to
44:37What a girl
44:40I'll be my face to be there
44:43Ah, fucking hell
44:46What a load of shit that was
44:50Wow, Kitty
44:54That was a not unimpressive performance
44:57With someone who was throwing the guts off
44:59And on a drip less than 72 hours ago
45:01You were a bit sheer
45:03But you'll get there
45:05Six weeks
45:06It's only a burst
45:08Would anyone like to hear this song
45:10That me and Kitty have been working on?
45:11Oh yeah, I do
45:13Where is she?
45:15Mia
45:16Oh, where she is
45:17What's this for?
45:23Oh, no, just if after the contest
45:24We think we want to carry on
45:25And do more stuff
45:26What are you doing?
45:27Our own stuff
45:28Obviously, we don't have to
45:31If you just want to do the contest
45:33That's fine
45:33It's a song about me
45:35And Martin, my husband
45:37And the stupid arguments
45:39We used to have
45:39And one particularly stupid
45:41And recurring argument
45:42That we occasionally indulged in
45:44So
45:45Okay, Jess?
45:50Yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry
45:51Kyle
45:51Yeah, yeah, sorry
45:52I used to think your words could hurt me
46:05We were spiralling and taking chunks out of each other
46:10But you crossed the line
46:14And you lost your wife
46:17When you said to me
46:19You're just like your mother
46:21One, two, three, four
46:24Saying it like
46:25It's an insult
46:26Says more about you
46:28Than it does about me
46:29He said
46:30Oh, you're just like your mother
46:32He said
46:33Oh, you're just like your mother
46:35Poor little man
46:36Child
46:37Forced to suffer
46:38Because apparently
46:39I'm just like my mother
46:41The joke's on you
46:43Because you never really knew her
46:46A rebellious suburban
46:48Badass bitch
46:49Who never for a second
46:50Would have taken your
46:51Shit
46:52Saying it like
46:53It's an insult
46:55Says more about you
46:56Than it does about me
46:58He said
46:58Oh, you're just like your mother
47:00He said
47:01Oh, you're just like your mother
47:03Poor little man
47:04Child
47:05Forced to suffocate
47:06Says apparently
47:07I'm just like my mother
47:09Rainbow with a spark scar
47:12She's the countdown queen
47:15Gotta go
47:16Don't wanna miss the Chelsea Flower Show
47:20He said
47:21Oh, you're just like your mother
47:22He said
47:23Oh, you're just like your mother
47:25Maybe I'm just like my mother
47:28At least I'm nothing like yours
47:30He said
47:32Oh, you're just like your mother
47:34He said
47:35Oh, you're just like your mother
47:36Maybe I'm just like my mother
47:39Yeah
47:40Fuck you
47:40I'm just like my mother
47:42That's exactly what Simon used to say to me
47:54The one I was married to before this one
47:56You're just like your mother
47:57Anything, everything
47:59I said or did that he didn't like
48:00Which was Legion
48:01You're just like your mother
48:02You never said
48:03Yeah, I will
48:04Bastard
48:05You don't like her in your dirty linen, do you?
48:08Idiotic bastard
48:08I think that's really good
48:10I mean, it's really good
48:13When did you write that?
48:15Yesterday
48:16Oh, Kitty did
48:18No, you wrote the lyrics in the tune, sir
48:20Oh, I didn't
48:21You did
48:21No, I didn't
48:22I'm sorry
48:22I've just got to pop inside
48:24Just had a text off Miranda
48:26That was brilliant
48:27Honestly, it was
48:28It was absolutely
48:29When was this?
48:45Half an hour ago
48:59I might pop in and see you tomorrow
49:16Bring back some more old bits of uniform
49:19I'll find in my cupboard
49:20I'd hate it without you
49:21No, you don't
49:22I do
49:23I was in the main office yesterday
49:31Doing the callbacks
49:32There's no one else around
49:35Except Sergeant Arse
49:36All off in the kitchen
49:37And then
49:38Rudy
49:39Sneaks up behind me
49:40Puts his hands up under my arms
49:42Like this
49:42And goes
49:43What did you do?
49:47Nothing
49:47I was like
49:50Did that just happen?
49:52And by the time I realised
49:54Yeah, it did
49:54He was down the other end of the room
49:55Playing with photocopier
49:56Why did you not cut his hands off
49:58At the elbow
49:58With a rusty fret saw?
50:00I don't know
50:01I was all ready for him
50:03I was going to scream my head off
50:05I was going to stab him in the thigh
50:06With my braddle
50:07That one I keep on my desk for emergencies
50:09Like you told me to
50:10But I just froze
50:11Again
50:14You've got to put in a complaint, kid
50:16Why?
50:18If I can't even deal with a numpty like that
50:19Without going upstairs
50:20Squealing to the boss
50:20I'm not even fit to be in the job, am I?
50:21You are not the problem in this scenario
50:23He is
50:24I'm coming in
50:26I'm going to say something
50:27Oh, don't
50:27He's a wanker
50:28He shouldn't be there
50:29I'm going to talk to Tony
50:30Don't
50:30Do not
50:31I mean it
50:31Just
50:31I was just telling you
50:35It's just letting off steam
50:37Don't say ho
50:41She'll only tell my mum
50:42Let them up to her
50:42Hiya
50:43What's up?
50:46Oh, work
50:47Oh
50:48We're all going for a drink
50:50Okay
50:50I'll get you one in
50:53Yeah
50:54What's going on with Jess?
50:59I don't know
51:00That Kitty's got some pipes on her, hasn't she?
51:04Did she say Eckersley?
51:06She's Keith Eckersley's daughter
51:10She's been inside twice
51:12Drugs
51:13Assault
51:14You name it
51:15Wasn't he really?
51:17Oh, complete scum
51:19But the top echelon of scum
51:21He still is somewhere
51:22He ran Bradford for years
51:24On fear
51:25People disappeared
51:27Including a couple of police officers
51:28It's never been done for it
51:31Still, she has got some pipes on her
51:35I think we need, like, some
51:41Yeah, three new guitars
51:43And then two could do some
51:46Definitely, definitely
51:48Yeah, definitely
51:48Yeah, Chris, Jess, Jess, Jess
51:50What is going on?
51:53Clover
51:53And the babies
51:55She picked her up from school yesterday
51:57And they've gone to live with Inez
51:58They're all fucking people
52:01And then they've just been
52:02And got all their stuff now
52:03Just now, while we're in the garage
52:05Inez?
52:06Why Inez?
52:10Oh
52:10Are they
52:11Did you know that Chloe was
52:16Was both ways?
52:17Oh, she could be seven fucking ways
52:19For all I care
52:19Inez?
52:20For fuck's sake
52:22Sorry
52:24Who's Inez?
52:27See, this is the sort of thing
52:28We should be writing songs about
52:29Inez aside
52:31I am sorry, Jess
52:33No
52:33But Chloe has messed you about for years
52:36I'm sorry, but it's true
52:37No, I know
52:37I know, I know
52:38I should write about this
52:41twat at work I'm having trouble with
52:43What twat at work that you're having trouble with?
52:45Don't tell me
52:46Write it down
52:46Write everything down
52:48And then we can turn it into a song
52:49And get Kitty to go and sing it at him
52:51I could
52:52I should
52:53I should
52:53Well
52:56I'm going to write about this arsehole
52:58That's messed me around
52:59That rocked the Casbah
53:01What arsehole?
53:02I should write about Mum
53:03I went on a right old rollercoaster with her yesterday
53:06She got a taxi
53:07To Sorby Bridge Railway Station
53:09In a nightie
53:10Fuck's sake
53:11I did send you a text
53:13I'm sorry
53:13I shouldn't criticise Chloe
53:15No, no, you
53:16Feel free
53:17I said to her
53:18I said, is there anything more calculated to upset me?
53:23She's right over her head
53:24You could probably write a song about most kids though, couldn't you?
53:27Well, I know I could about Tom
53:28They're coming over for lunch on Sunday, him and Fern
53:31Because we missed Mother's Day
53:33Because they were with her mum and dad
53:36Like they were last year and the year before that
53:38Well, at least he's coming though
53:40Yeah, oh, he's a lot better than he used to be though, Beth
53:42You know, when he was younger
53:43Oh, yeah, yeah
53:44No, he is, he is
53:45Why, was he a little bugger as well?
53:47Well, I think little bugger might be an understatement
53:51I used to think it was because he was adopted
53:53But some of the stuff the kids at my school get up to
53:57You wouldn't believe
53:58And they weren't adopted
53:59A lot of them have got issues, but
54:00Oh, was he adopted, your boy, Beth?
54:02Well, fostered, then adopted
54:04Well, I think you must be a saint for adopting someone else's unwanted child
54:07You don't know if he was unwanted
54:09Sometimes people just can't go up
54:10How old was he?
54:12Oh, he was a baby, he was tiny
54:14Local?
54:15Yes
54:15Two days old
54:17We collected him from Calderdale Royal
54:19Oh, that's where she works
54:21Oh, Princess Royal, as was
54:22I think his mum was very young
54:26You know, tragically too young
54:29How old is he now?
54:3131
54:32It's a star sign
54:33Oh, I never know about star signs
54:35Um, I think he's a Leo
54:3720th of August, anyway
54:3820th of August, 1993
54:41Yeah, he is, Leo
54:43There you go, then
54:44Stubborn
54:45Styles
54:46Oh, yeah
54:46Jenny
54:47And all the stars were just like little fish
54:53This is going to cut him down
54:58Okay, love
54:59You should learn how to say no
55:04My life's forever
55:08Mine is forever
55:12Mine is forever
55:17Mine is forever
55:24When they get what they want
55:27And they'll never want it again
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