Faithless Season 2 Episode 3

Reality Plus TV

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Transcript

00:00Our Uncle Cormac lives with us. He sleeps with Bob on his bed.

00:04Astonishing. You tell him to shut up once.

00:06Oh, Mark.

00:07Definitely not able for Cormac's shape today.

00:10I'm bare, Tara.

00:12He's bare?

00:13A pint of Guinness?

00:15What do you mean?

00:15Fancy a pint?

00:16Wait you, sir.

00:27Yeah, but like what type of dress?

00:29I don't know, Leila. Just a dress.

00:32Like a dress dress?

00:35Or like a dress to impress?

00:38I'm messing. Oh my God.

00:40I'll leave some on your bed.

00:42Nancy's stuck in the toilet again.

00:45Can someone please fix this door?

00:48I hate this house.

00:51What? What?

00:52So, Bob, Valentine's...

00:54What is with Leila?

00:56I don't know.

00:57She wants a dress for the disco.

00:59Like a dress dress?

01:01See, Vald has gifts, bruh.

01:05Oh, that's a lot of chocolate.

01:08Yeah, well, what can I say?

01:11Barry likes sweet things.

01:12And I have nothing for Miss Malone.

01:16Do you really need a gift for your teacher?

01:19Yes.

01:19Is that not a little bit sucky?

01:21No, I need a gift.

01:23And please write the card.

01:25She'll know my handwriting.

01:27Grab something from Leila's bag.

01:29Go on.

01:30Bear's got like ten boxes of chocolates in there.

01:32If it was me, I wouldn't mind giving Miss Malone one, right?

01:35Quickly, put them in your bag.

01:39Who says lovey lovers in?

01:41Excited for the big boys' night tonight?

01:43Only schoolgirls and morons get excited about Valentine's.

01:47It's here.

01:48It's here.

01:48The greatest day of the year.

01:49Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

01:51Exhibit, eh?

01:52Happy Valentine's Day, Uncle Cormac.

01:54You may go to the ball, because the guest list for the vault is assorted.

02:00Dummy, dummy, dummy.

02:01And you shall go to the ball, dearest.

02:03Give this box off to babysit too.

02:05Yes, pal.

02:06This one, Mama?

02:07Yeah, yummy.

02:08Yum, yum, yum.

02:09They're my favourite, yeah.

02:10And here.

02:11Go.

02:13Oh, those lucky ladies, man.

02:15It's been a while.

02:17I'm so excited.

02:18Why a while?

02:18When was the last time you had sex?

02:19With someone.

02:21Four months, seven days.

02:22Jeez, I'm so sorry, pal.

02:24Hang on.

02:25You okay?

02:26Yeah.

02:27Are you two okay?

02:29Seriously.

02:31We're not all sexists like you, Sam.

02:34Please don't purge people's healthy sexual energy, Sam.

02:37It's very toxic, pal.

02:38You're a bit anti-sex.

02:39I'm not anti-sex.

02:41And I don't purge people's sexual energy.

02:44Yeah, you do.

02:46You're like the sexist.

02:48Don't worry, Zane.

02:48It's Valentine's.

02:50We haven't heard desperate for love.

02:52Desperado.

02:52Yeah, yeah.

02:53Ooh.

02:54They're desperate.

02:55Watch your breath.

02:55You two are desperate.

02:56Stay back.

02:57You stay back.

03:02Anime club.

03:04Art attack.

03:05Basketball.

03:07Coding.

03:08Drama.

03:08And what else?

03:11Jiu-Jitsu.

03:12Jesus, have you memorised them in alphabetical order?

03:15Good lad.

03:15Here.

03:16Keep this.

03:20And he's a stodimander.

03:21Well, really.

03:23Him.

03:25Magnus.

03:26Sorry, excuse me, Mr. Mean.

03:28See you later, Clough.

03:31Looked like you needed saving.

03:33Thank you, thank you.

03:35Con's learning Mandarin.

03:36Learning how to eat a Mandarin might be more useful.

03:40You're very funny.

03:41No other compliments for a girl on Valentine's Day?

03:45Well, you have a very tiny symmetrical face and your hair looks very smooth and resistant

03:52to static electricity.

03:54Okay.

03:56Oh, Sam, my best day here is down from Derry and, well, we're both single.

04:01Really?

04:01Ah, yeah, I know.

04:02Shock on.

04:04Anyway, I don't really know the city and I've no friends here and she loves cocktails and it's

04:10Valentine's.

04:11Are you asking me?

04:13Yeah.

04:14Would you and your Cormac know of a nice wee club?

04:16Somewhere where you and your friends go?

04:18Well, we're going to the vault tonight.

04:21Oh, class.

04:22Um, if we see you there.

04:23Yeah.

04:24It doesn't matter we're not gay or anything, does it?

04:26Well, I wouldn't think so, no.

04:28Okay.

04:30Bukai!

04:33Mandarin.

04:34As if China doesn't have enough problems.

04:36I'll see you later.

04:52There, I said I'd call her back.

04:54Don't worry about her.

04:56She is jealous.

04:58She knows it's Valentine's and she's calling you.

05:01I mean, come on, Lena.

05:03We're best friends.

05:04I'm your best friend.

05:06Listen, thanks for the hoodie, Lena.

05:11But, you know, personally, I could never endorse those capitalists by buying their wares.

05:20I don't either.

05:21I only bought it because I thought you'd like it.

05:25Fuck.

05:27I sound ungrateful now.

05:28Stop.

05:29No, you don't.

05:29It's how they get you though, right?

05:32Seduish you with Christmas or Valentines.

05:35It's erupting all your emotions until you're left standing there, sipping spice lattes.

05:42Those little bottom-mouthed children.

05:49Poor fuckers.

05:50This character, Vince's job, what exactly is an augmented reality journey builder?

06:12He designs the experience.

06:14So, you know, bringing the AR scenes to life.

06:16All right, yeah.

06:17Where?

06:19Online.

06:20On the internet?

06:22No.

06:23No, not on the internet.

06:25Look, augmented reality is superimposing computer-generated objects.

06:29So that when you look at your phone, it feels like you're actually looking at these objects.

06:34In real.

06:36You think I'm a fucking idiot, aren't you?

06:38No, no.

06:39My dad's much worse.

06:41Still pronounces the L's in tortillas.

06:43Like your jeans.

06:45A crop.

06:46Yeah, I know.

06:49On the internet.

06:49I don't think I'm bothered with it tonight.

06:56No?

06:57Yeah, I'm tired and I have nothing to wear anyway.

07:00Oh, borrow something from Lena.

07:01She has, like, the best drip ever.

07:03Yeah, well, she doesn't wear one of these, does she?

07:05Nothing goes with it, ever.

07:07Oh, do you have to wear it?

07:09I don't have to wear it.

07:11It's a choice.

07:12I don't want to wear it, but I want to wear it.

07:16Do you get me?

07:16Loud and clear.

07:18Never put passionate in front of principal.

07:20Even if you win, you lose.

07:21You're a mum with a karate kid.

07:23I'm going to go with your mum.

07:25Karate kid.

07:26Jelly?

07:27They've pork in them.

07:29You know, if you don't go, I'm not going either.

07:33I only have fun when you're around anyways.

07:34Because you could come to mine.

07:37My mum says we can have a big, dirty takeaway anytime we like.

07:40Hey, Mar, mind if I talk to Lena for a minute?

07:52Hey, so, what's up?

08:03Oh, shit.

08:04Good girl.

08:06Good girl.

08:07Oh, shit.

08:12Oh, Allah.

08:13I don't like this.

08:16I feel like a prisoner.

08:17Stop moaning.

08:19It's for emergencies.

08:21And when you press it, it'll only contact me or Sammy anyways.

08:24I don't want fuzz.

08:25I don't want fuzz.

08:25You make me melt.

08:27I love the sage.

08:32Why no one is asking me to be a baby minder.

08:35Baby loves me.

08:37What are you even doing?

08:38I'm thinking.

08:40Well, Mr. Thinker,

08:42you can sit around the whole day thinking,

08:45but I see you.

08:46Say, I have eyes like oak.

08:48Look at him,

08:50sitting there with his legs on the chair.

08:52I mean,

08:53are you waiting for someone to paint you?

08:56Enough.

08:59This is my way of getting my head around the character.

09:02All right?

09:02It's my process.

09:03Oh, maybe try and give him a real job,

09:06this character,

09:07and help us with paying the bills.

09:10I will pay the bills.

09:11I'll have you know that my new series,

09:13Crown of Thorne,

09:13will be premiering this May in America.

09:16And is it any good?

09:17No, it's shy,

09:18but that's not the point.

09:18The point is America.

09:20America.

09:21America is what you need, my friends.

09:23Get a real life.

09:24Get a real job.

09:27I'm done.

09:36All right.

09:37Kiss, I'll see you after lunch.

09:40Oh, wow.

09:53Is that for me?

09:54It's from a secret admirer.

09:56Very exciting.

09:58It might or might not be from my dad.

10:01Did he ask you to give me this?

10:04Well, I can't really say,

10:05but I told him it was Valentine's Day,

10:08and he said he wouldn't mind giving you one.

10:10Bobo said that they're really yummy,

10:12and they're his favorites.

10:14Happy Valentine's Day, Miss Moe.

10:28Really?

10:30Sick of all of them treating me like a baby.

10:34Bouts are just worried for you, Kamal.

10:35Well, not a bit of wonder at our age.

10:40Do you ever get the feeling your life is just a dream?

10:43I mean, I know I did all these things.

10:47I went to all these different places and raised these children.

10:58And it all went by so fast, too fast to hang on to.

11:05So why do I feel invisible?

11:06Well, because you, we, we are old.

11:18Yeah.

11:19Yeah, that's my reality.

11:21Look, do you mind babysitting for the boys?

11:24I've got a headache coming on.

11:25Hey.

11:41Hey.

11:44Sorry, do you mind if I just, um...

11:45No, no.

11:47Let's see.

11:48Right.

11:48It's just the second pass.

11:56No, it's super.

11:57I love it.

11:58Really?

11:58Mm.

11:59Look, I just wanted to have a word with you.

12:03Obviously, the team is very young.

12:06And we don't have your experience.

12:10Oh, well, the notes you gave me on Islam Dunk were,

12:13they were dead on.

12:14You're a great producer.

12:16I really value your input.

12:19I really value you, Sam.

12:21Your hands-on maturity, your depth.

12:24Oh, I'm so sorry.

12:26Oh, well, well, well.

12:27Oh.

12:29Thanks.

12:32God, what a day.

12:34Sorry, where are you rushing off to?

12:35No, we're just home, kids.

12:38Oh, no Valentine's Day for Daddy.

12:40Me, nah.

12:41Just, if we get a bit old for all that.

12:44Oh, well, then if you're free,

12:45do you fancy having a bite with me?

12:47We can discuss Islam Dunk.

12:49You can really fill me in.

12:51Just see how he progressed from there.

12:53Mm.

12:55Well, I, well, I would, but...

12:58The what?

13:00Don't you like eating out?

13:03I'm kind of watching what I eat at the moment,

13:05to be honest.

13:05Well, we'll do it, we'll do it again.

13:10Great day.

13:12Thanks, Chloe.

13:13Mm-hmm.

13:14I left my pen, but it's a good one,

13:17but I'll get another one.

13:19Bye, Chloe.

13:19Bye.

13:20Bye, everyone.

13:21Bye.

13:21Bye, everyone.

13:23Bye, everyone.

13:39Bye, everyone.

13:40Bye, everyone.

13:41Did you not hear me calling you?

13:44Damn!

13:45What?

13:47Bubba what?

13:48You look beautiful.

13:49Sorry, I've never seen you wear makeup before.

13:52Look at my eyes.

13:53I look like a fly.

13:56Go on.

13:56There's my face.

13:57Make a joke about it.

13:58I think the last thing your face needs

14:00is another shitty one-liner.

14:01Bye.

14:05Layla, no one is making you dress a certain way.

14:08Aren't they?

14:09No, they aren't.

14:10Stop being so hard on yourself.

14:18Just figuring things out.

14:20You wouldn't understand.

14:21It's different for me.

14:23Em, sorry to break it to you.

14:25It's not.

14:27Look,

14:28I'm gone on my first boys' night in years.

14:32You don't think I feel uncomfortable?

14:33I came in here to ask you what I should wear.

14:38I can't be Zane.

14:40Or Cormac.

14:41Alhamdulillah.

14:43It just have to be me.

14:46Truth is,

14:47I don't care if you wear

14:49a hijab or a bucket hat.

14:52Whatever.

14:54I love you.

15:05You look great, Bubba, by the way.

15:07Thanks, Layla.

15:08So sweet of you.

15:10I love you.

15:23I love you.

15:27Love you.

15:27I'm not paying for food.

15:57You're late.

15:59I'm not a delivery man.

16:01Good for you, because I didn't order any food.

16:04What do you want? Who are you?

16:06Layla.

16:07You're Layla?

16:08Yusuf.

16:09You want Layla? What for?

16:11Disco.

16:12How do you know my Layla?

16:13School.

16:14What's wrong with you? You only speak in one word?

16:17Layla, disco, school?

16:18Are you a simples?

16:23You're not going anywhere. You're staying here.

16:27Stay here.

16:30And don't move, eh?

16:32Otherwise, I'll make shawarma out of you.

16:34Hello? Can anyone hear me?

16:37Oh, darling, how many times I told you, Habib,

16:44please don't take Lofi to the toilet.

16:47It's disgusting.

16:48In Egypt, we kill these things.

16:50I'm sorry. Please don't kill her.

16:52No.

16:53Tell him I'm coming on school, Val.

16:57Well, she's coming.

17:01No funny business.

17:03Because anything you do to her,

17:07I do to you.

17:08Okay?

17:09Not really, but okay.

17:17Wow.

17:18You look so beautiful, Layla.

17:21Looky, looky. Now you can't shut up, eh?

17:23Okay, let's go, troops.

17:35Did we collect a mark?

17:36No, he's not going.

17:37I won't be late.

17:37Uncle Gamal, you said,

17:38month's going to drop us out.

17:39Remember, have eyes like Hulk.

17:47Anything you do.

17:54Say, Cormac.

18:05Let's not answer.

18:07Let's just go.

18:08We've been here ages.

18:09You're joking, right?

18:11Come on, I know.

18:11Nice Mexican around the corner.

18:12Oh, yeah?

18:13Does she have a sister?

18:13Yes, yes, I have a sister.

18:14That's why you're not getting lucky, honestly.

18:17Grease desperation.

18:19Yo, what's happening?

18:21Me and your pals.

18:22Hold on.

18:22There he is, there he is.

18:23I skipped a kill.

18:25Go back.

18:26What the fuck, man?

18:27Dang.

18:28Shots, shots, shots.

18:30You're not going to believe this.

18:32Yes?

18:32Cormie?

18:33Yes.

18:33Where did you go?

18:34I'm here.

18:36Zane.

18:36So this is Renee?

18:38No.

18:39You're, yeah, you're Renee, and this is Tanya, her girlfriend.

18:42Do you know what I just said there?

18:43Girlfriend.

18:44But I like to call her Tanya.

18:46Zane.

18:47Because she's very posh.

18:48Like a pheasant soup.

18:49Yeah, look, ladies, can you take your drinks back inside, please?

18:52You need to move away from the door.

18:53And can you two move to the back of the queue, please?

18:55No, no.

18:55Okay, no, no, look, really.

18:57Don't hurt me.

18:58ID.

19:01You're joking, right?

19:03Have you seen his face?

19:04You're required to have.

19:06Identification?

19:07What do you think we went through puberty when I was like, what, four?

19:10No ID?

19:11You're not getting in.

19:11This is ridiculous.

19:12Listen, Wreck-It Ralph.

19:14I'll deal with this.

19:15My good man.

19:16Now listen, this is my brother.

19:18He doesn't have identification.

19:19Sorry.

19:20Okay?

19:20He's sorry.

19:21But he will happily present his testicles as a form of identification.

19:25I'm serious.

19:26Because you'll find that they're very long.

19:27And more importantly, they're very old.

19:30So show me drippy balls, Sammy.

19:32Cormac.

19:32Just show me drippy balls.

19:34So show me drippy balls, Sammy.

19:35Yeah.

19:36Look, mate.

19:36I'm taking my drippy balls.

19:38I'm going home, Cormac.

19:40Just show me drippy balls, Sammy.

19:42Just get the...

19:43Sammy, I'm trying to...

19:44Cormac.

19:48I can't walk.

19:49Oh, Ciara, look who it is.

19:52You're a filthy bastard.

19:54Miss Malone.

19:56Wow.

19:56You look...

19:57You look lovely.

19:58Don't Miss Malone me, you.

20:00Ciara, that's him.

20:02Who?

20:03Not your man?

20:04The gay, sweetie-gee string guy?

20:08You think he won the golden ticket, did you?

20:11Willie Wanker.

20:14She's fun.

20:15Why could you, Sam?

20:17He said you were gay.

20:18You should be ashamed of yourself.

20:21I said I was gay.

20:24Dirty boy.

20:26Dirty?

20:27Dirty boy.

20:30He's your friend.

20:31Oh, Snoop's brother's name.

20:33No, you're gay.

20:33He can eat my knickers anytime.

20:36Sadly, I'm not wearing any tonight.

20:38So no starter for him?

20:40You okay?

20:41Oh, look what you did now.

20:47You've upset Ciara.

20:49Look, I didn't do anything.

20:51I thought you were my handsome, funny, gay dad friend, but it was all a lie.

20:56I wish you'd stop saying I'm gay.

20:57Wait, wait, sorry, Ciara.

20:59Do you think, you think I'm handsome?

21:01Well, I did.

21:02Until you turned wee Nancy into a super pimp.

21:05What, what are you talking about?

21:07Cannibal knickers, Sam.

21:09I mean, I like a bit of filth as well as an ex-girl, but that is just so sick.

21:13Well, it's not sick here, but a body is sick.

21:17Oh, oh, oh.

21:20Sorry, don't go anywhere, yeah?

21:22Ciara, you're up.

21:24Hello?

21:26Yeah, yeah, that's me.

21:28Yeah, yeah, that's my uncle, sadly.

21:32What?

21:33What, what, sorry, go back.

21:35What emergency services were called?

21:40Oh, my God.

21:41I swear to God.

21:51Oh, shit.

21:55What did you do?

21:58I said no fuss.

21:59I got stuck, I pressed the panic button.

22:01And you told me it only called you.

22:04Are you okay?

22:05Like, what happened?

22:06The stupid toilet door.

22:07Where's Nancy?

22:08She's okay, she's sleeping.

22:10Yeah, I very much doubt that.

22:11What do you mean?

22:12I have eyes like Hulk.

22:15See you know what I mean?

22:15I see everything.

22:17Give me the baby.

22:23Sam, Sam, Sam.

22:24Not coming home in Tanya and Renee's toilet here.

22:27I think they're going to have sex because they said they want to have sex.

22:30I love other dudes.

22:32Best day ever.

22:32Okay, bye, bye, bye, bye.

22:33Okay, okay.

22:34Oh, don't tell them out.

22:34Don't tell them out.

22:35Okay, love you.

22:35Thanks, bye-bye.

22:36What the fuck?

22:39Sex with both of them.

22:42What?

22:43You sent pictures?

22:44No, it's a text from Nancy's teacher.

22:46God, it's filthy.

22:46Oh, yeah.

22:47What are you thinking?

22:48Her spelling is atrocious.

22:50Ada!

22:50But I'm sorry.

22:51I'm sorry.

22:52I'm sorry.

22:53I got this.

22:54I got this.

22:54Ali Akbar.

23:15Hawkeye's my hours.

23:17Lina!

23:17Hawkeye's my hours.

23:47Hawkeye's my hours.

23:50Hawkeye's my hours.

23:52Hawkeye's my hours.

23:53Hawkeye's my hours.

23:54Hawkeye's my hours.

23:55Hawkeye's my hours.

23:56Hawkeye's my hours.

23:57Hawkeye's my hours.

23:58Hawkeye's my hours.

23:59Hawkeye's my hours.

24:00Hawkeye's my hours.

24:01Hawkeye's my hours.

24:02Hawkeye's my hours.

24:03Hawkeye's my hours.

24:04Hawkeye's my hours.

24:05Hawkeye's my hours.

24:06Hawkeye's my hours.

24:07Hawkeye's my hours.

24:08Hawkeye's my hours.

24:09Hawkeye's my hours.

24:10Hawkeye's my hours.

24:11Hawkeye's my hours.

24:12Hawkeye's my hours.

24:13Hawkeye's my hours.

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