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BRITCOM I
  • 17 hours ago

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00:00This video is brought to you by S.T.A.L.A.
00:30Let's get started.
01:30Hello?
01:51Beth?
01:52Nick?
01:53What's this text? You've sold her house and spent £240,000 on a policy.
01:58Yeah, I did. So, the solicitor...
02:01She's not going to live that long.
02:02Well, we don't know how long she's going to live.
02:05But the point is, for how long she does live, she's covered.
02:09So she's got good care and a good home and neither of us need to worry our frazzled little heads about any of it anymore.
02:16That's £240,000 that we would have inherited, eventually.
02:21It should have been discussed.
02:22Did discuss it? With the solicitor?
02:24With me. Discussed with me. And Abigail.
02:29It's got nothing to do with Abigail.
02:32And, you know, she was a saver mum all her life.
02:35She's saved for a rainy day.
02:37Well, this is her rainy day.
02:39It costs £5,000 a month in that care home.
02:42And if she lives for more than three years, which she could easily do...
02:45How much?
02:45She's covered.
02:46This is 24-hour round-the-clock dementia care, Nick.
02:52This is someone who is doubly incontinent and regularly wide awake at three o'clock in the morning singing Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy from Company B
03:00and insisting she has to get to Marks and Spencer before they close.
03:04It never stops.
03:06And it doesn't come cheap.
03:08Could you not find somewhere cheaper?
03:10No.
03:11What about the NHS?
03:12Oh, what planet do you live on?
03:15So, well, what do ordinary people do?
03:16We are ordinary people.
03:19They sell the houses and spend their savings and give up their careers and do it themselves.
03:24That's what ordinary people do, so fuck your inheritance.
03:28Because this is the way the cookie crumbles when you don't visit your own mother for six years.
03:34Arsehole!
03:42Arsehole!
03:43Arsehole!
03:44Arsehole!
03:45Arsehole!
03:46Arsehole!
03:47Arsehole!
03:48Arsehole!
03:49Arsehole!
03:50Arsehole!
03:51Arsehole!
03:52Arsehole!
03:53Arsehole!
03:54Arsehole!
03:55Arsehole!
03:56Arsehole!
03:57Arsehole!
03:58Arsehole!
03:59Arsehole!
04:00Arsehole!
04:01Arsehole!
04:02Arsehole!
04:03Arsehole!
04:04Arsehole!
04:05Arsehole!
04:06Arsehole!
04:07Arsehole!
04:08Arsehole!
04:09Arsehole!
04:10Arsehole!
04:11Arsehole!
04:12Jess.
04:31Oh, snotty.
04:32Sorry.
04:33I thought you were Nick.
04:36What are you doing?
04:38Nothing.
04:40Why?
04:40Do you want to be in my rock band?
04:42You are.
04:44Let's start a riot.
04:45We won't be quiet.
04:47Riot women gonna set this world on fire.
04:51A rock band.
04:52I'm gonna form a rock band.
04:54Why?
04:54For fun.
04:56For the refugees.
04:57There's a talent contest.
04:58The school are organizing a talent contest for the parents, not the nippers.
05:01And I thought we could enter.
05:03So I need you on board because you can play the piano.
05:05Yeah, I got...
05:07Right, so...
05:08So, I went to school assembly this morning because Rocco was being a tree.
05:11It was very good, actually.
05:12And it was all about the refugee crisis.
05:14Which one?
05:16Oh, uh...
05:17Ukraine, Syria, Yemen, Sudan.
05:20One of them.
05:21Anyway, it was all about what can I do?
05:22What can I do to help?
05:24And then Charlie, the head, said that the parent governors had decided on a talent contest.
05:27Why was Rocco a tree?
05:29A tree?
05:30Before an explosion and after.
05:32It was heartbreaking.
05:33Yeah.
05:34Well...
05:34It would be.
05:35Yeah.
05:36So, anyway, there'll be a bit of all sorts, you know, like, um...
05:40Singing, stand-up, ventriloquism.
05:42Oh, really?
05:42I thought, rock band.
05:44Why not?
05:45Steve left his drum kit when he cleared off.
05:47It's been very mouldy in the garage for God knows how long.
05:49And I've always fancied a crack.
05:51So, um...
05:52So, I thought we could do a cover, you know, like, uh...
05:54Like, maybe ABBA.
05:56Waterloo, something like that.
05:57Take a chance on me.
05:59I thought you said rock band.
06:01Yeah, well, not ABBA.
06:02I just thought it'd be easy.
06:03Well, easier than, you know, Nirvana.
06:06But Beth, it can be anything.
06:08Anything we can get our heads around.
06:14Sorry, how was you, Mum?
06:16Same.
06:17Same.
06:18Oh, bless.
06:20Anyway, come on, lovely.
06:23What do you think?
06:25Oh, please say yes.
06:26I could do with a bit of a laugh, and I know you could.
06:29Beth?
06:31Beth, you saw her?
06:46Yeah, I lost.
06:46It's fine.
06:47You know, I love it when the news is bad.
06:52Why it feels so good to feel so sad.
06:56I'm only happy when it rains.
07:00You know, I think I'm going wrong.
07:13I'm only happy when it rains.
07:21I'm happy when it rains.
07:23It does.
07:24You know, I think I'm going wrong.
07:26I'm only there that bad, bad, bad storm.
07:30I hope you win!
07:45I will touch you.
07:53I am very happy with you.
07:56I am very happy with you.
07:57Emergency switch services, get quiet.
08:19You, on a bass guitar. Oh my bloody god.
08:21Can I come and watch?
08:23No more than merry, it's all in a good cause.
08:25Can you actually play that?
08:26This lad and it for twop.
08:28They'll lend me his hand to give me a few tips.
08:30Then you know if the worst comes to the worst.
08:31I can just stand there looking cool, jiggling about for three and a half minutes.
08:34You won't look cool though, Holly. You look like a dick.
08:37Who's on drums?
08:38Jess.
08:39Do I know her?
08:40Landlady, down the Duke. Purple hair or is it green at the moment?
08:42I love her. She's off her nut.
08:44She can play.
08:45She's...
08:46No, but she would continue on something.
08:48You can play keyboard a bit.
08:50Do you need a singer?
08:52Ninety-four-two code six.
08:56Cos I am properly crap at singing, so it sounds like I fit right in.
08:59We're not gonna be crap. We're gonna be...
09:00We're gonna be okay.
09:01So you just keep your negative notes in a little box on a little shelf inside your little head, alright?
09:05Your sister's shit at singing as well, so should we both turn up?
09:07You alright, love?
09:08She's down here.
09:09Somebody say she got hold of a load of knives?
09:10Yeah, they're still in the packaging.
09:12Can you clear the store for me? I want everybody outside.
09:14Is she regular, love?
09:15Do you know her name?
09:16No, sorry.
09:18Oh...
09:23Oh!
09:32Well, love, you alright?
09:35No, my love, you all right?
09:38Well...
09:39I'm gonna need you to put the knife down.
09:41You don't wanna be cutting any closer, cos it's all broken down here.
09:44You can sort everything out, but first things first, I need you to put the knife down.
09:49What's your name, love?
09:50Whose?
09:51Yours.
09:52Why?
09:52Just asking.
09:53I'm just stupid.
09:54What do you want to know my name for?
09:56Just put the knife on the floor, nudge it towards me, and then we'll deal with everything else.
10:00What's happened, lovely?
10:01Listen, I just dropped my vodka, then.
10:03OK, but you've been behaving erratically and people are concerned, so...
10:07Oh, yeah.
10:08Yeah, and you've clearly had a bit to drink, so...
10:10I wasn't nicking it.
10:11I was going to pay for it.
10:12Are you thinking I was nicking it on, man? I don't like a criminal. Is that what you think I look like?
10:16How many pills have you taken?
10:17Seriously, none. There was tic-tac.
10:19So, concentrate. I want you to put the knife down because it's upsetting people.
10:23I haven't got a knife.
10:25You've got a knife in your hand?
10:28That other hand.
10:29There it is.
10:30So, I want you to put it down onto the floor, gently, and kick it towards me.
10:35I would, but I've been needing it.
10:37President, it's taking long enough to get this little sod out of the packets.
10:40What are you going to be needing it for?
10:41Well, between you and me and the gatepost, I've been having a bit of a shit day.
10:48Yeah?
10:49Yeah.
10:50I had some bad news last Tuesday, and there was some more excrement on top of that on Friday,
10:57and there's just some other stuff occurred this afternoon.
11:00It's just all gone downhill from there.
11:05Well, we want to help you, all right? Nothing so bad that we can't sort it out, so...
11:08I can't really say that. I've been a fuck-full bitch, so don't be so glim.
11:13Do you want to talk about it?
11:15Oh, fucking hell.
11:16Are you all right?
11:16I don't know.
11:17Oh, gosh.
11:18Now, you're a bit young for that.
11:19I fucking must have started early, didn't it?
11:21Have you considered HRT?
11:26Ah!
11:27Drop the knife.
11:28Let go.
11:29Drop it.
11:29Ah!
11:29Yeah, you fucker!
11:41I'm arresting you for section five, public order.
11:44You do not have to say anything, but you may harm your defence.
11:47You do not mention, when questioned, something you'll later rely on in court.
11:52Anything you do say may be given in evidence.
11:54Do you understand?
11:56Nine, six, seven, five. We've got a one, one, two, female.
11:59No one else.
11:59No one else.
12:26So, Princess Peach, are you going to tell me your real name?
12:33Christ, she's still here.
12:36Just because a custody sergeant wouldn't let you into his cells with all that painkiller vodka cocktail inside you doesn't mean you're not still under arrest.
12:42Give me a break.
12:49What are we waiting for now? Mental health?
12:53I suppose, sir.
12:54Where's the other fella?
12:59Nisha, gone home.
13:01Her shift finished.
13:02So didn't mind, but we tossed a coin to see who got the pleasure.
13:04And hey, I won.
13:05It's all wasted on me.
13:06Always sarcastic.
13:11Do you want to know a secret?
13:12Yeah.
13:12Today's my last day.
13:14When I finally finish this shift, if ever I do, that's me done forever.
13:17Yeah?
13:1930 years.
13:20So what?
13:22Big fat pension.
13:24Well, hardly.
13:26A pension, yeah?
13:28Yeah, you paid off your mortgage.
13:30Almost.
13:31My mum chipped in, so I was lucky.
13:34And freedom?
13:35Well, I say freedom.
13:36She's got dementia, so...
13:37Any of it with your mother?
13:38No, she's round the corner.
13:39What about yourself?
13:42What about myself?
13:43Today.
13:46I'm not judging you.
13:49From a police point of view, I really don't give a toss.
13:51I'm hoping when mental health turn up, they'll advise me.
13:53You're not fit to be detained.
13:54I'm just asking, as one menopausal woman to another.
13:58Well, I ain't got a mother because she died when I was nine.
14:08I ain't got a mortgage either.
14:09Are you...
14:19Kitty Eckersley?
14:22As in, your dad is Keith Eckersley?
14:25Well, he was. If he's alive. Last I heard, he was in Spain. If you're gonna run a police
14:43check on me, just do bear in mind, most of it's made up by you lot.
14:49Keith Eckersley. So, so what about today, Kitty? What happened today?
15:01Change the fucking record. Are you still feeling suicidal?
15:05Well, I guess I'll be discussing that with the mental health team.
15:10If they ever show up. Jesus Christ.
15:14Are you gonna be sick again?
15:15I don't know. What we doing right now, I'll karaoke with his throat.
15:21Amen.
15:23Amen.
15:25Amen.
15:27Amen.
15:29Amen.
15:31Amen.
15:33Amen.
15:35Amen.
15:37Amen.
15:39Amen.
15:41Amen.
15:43Amen.
15:45Amen.
15:47Amen.
15:49Oh, shut me up if I've said it before.
16:16Said it before.
16:17No, but I can't stand to even listen to the news anymore.
16:19Mum, you say it every day.
16:20Do I?
16:21Every other day.
16:22No, but it's true, though, Gerry.
16:24It started during the pandemic when we were all waiting to hear how many people had died the day before.
16:29And then one day, I just switched it off.
16:31Because when you look at it, it's all bombs, rocket attacks, refugees, poverty, inequality, exploitation, hunger, anger, shootings, torture, hatred, abuse, misery.
16:41And do you know what's behind it all, Gerry?
16:43It's men.
16:44Yeah, Mum.
16:44Every time.
16:45Mum, I'm going out tonight. Can you look after the babies?
16:48We're not babies.
16:49No, it's just getting worse.
16:51Mum?
16:51Tonight, no, I'm busy.
16:53It is. I agree.
16:54It's all men.
16:54Doing what? Shut up, Gerry.
16:56Oh, my God.
16:56This band meeting practice, don't tell Gerry to shut up.
17:00The band practice for this charity bash, I have told you.
17:02You're not serious?
17:03Yes, I'm serious.
17:04In fact, I was going to ask you if you can keep an eye on Auntie Mary, Miranda.
17:07Why does somebody have to keep an eye on me?
17:09Miranda?
17:09Yeah.
17:09Actually, of course.
17:12Oh, my God.
17:12Actually, I did have a panic attack in the middle of the night thinking, oh, blimey, what have I gone and said I'll do now?
17:18But it'll be fine. It'll be fine.
17:20And here's the thing, Gerry.
17:22Men make wars.
17:23Women pick up the pieces.
17:25This is it.
17:25So, Putin starts this war in Ukraine and you're going to sort it all out by making a fan of yourself in a talent contest?
17:32Correct.
17:33Shit.
17:33Bet Vladimir Zelensky wishes he'd thought of that.
17:36What a numpty.
17:37Then he's kicking himself.
17:38You can take the mickey all you like.
17:39I'll be the one on the right side of history.
17:41Who's doing behind the bar if you're doing that and Miranda's keeping an eye on Auntie Mary?
17:45I don't need anyone keeping an eye on me.
17:48You are.
17:49You're on the router.
17:50I've just told you I'm going out.
17:51You haven't told us where.
17:53Like, that's relevant.
17:53Your mum just likes to know it.
17:55Oh, Jesus, Gerry.
17:56You don't even live here.
17:58Don't get involved.
17:59Dyson's coming round tonight.
18:00So, me and him can do the bar and keep an eye on Auntie Mary.
18:03You do need keeping an eye on Mary.
18:04You go wandering.
18:05And the babies.
18:06Why have you fixed up to go out when you know you're on the router?
18:08You do know you can't just call up your mates and be a band, don't you?
18:12You do know people spend years of their lives learning to play an instrument.
18:16And you do know that traditionally, there is talent involved.
18:20It's for fun.
18:21It's for charity.
18:22You don't need to be that good.
18:23Well, we have got the point, though.
18:25You probably do have to know what you're doing just to sound, you know, bad.
18:29Well, I've got Beth.
18:30She's musical.
18:31Which one's Beth?
18:32Beth.
18:33Old friend.
18:34From school.
18:35Actually, her mum and my mum were at Greenham Common together.
18:38And Auntie Mary.
18:39She was there for four years.
18:41They're going to change the world.
18:42Yeah, look how that turned out.
18:45Right, I'm off.
18:46Oh, bye, Gerry.
18:47I'll see you.
18:48I'll see you.
18:50You drive safely, all right?
18:51See you.
18:52See you later.
18:53I've seen you already, Gerry.
18:54Geriatric.
18:55Oh, my God.
18:56What have I said?
18:57She's kidding.
18:58No.
18:58See you later.
18:59See you.
18:59See you.
18:59See you, love.
19:01Where'd you find her, Mother?
19:04What's your bang going to be called, Granny?
19:05Well, thank you, Rocco, for asking such a lovely can-do question.
19:10Well, so far, we're all women of a certain age, so...
19:14The old bags department.
19:16See, I quite like that.
19:18The bin bags.
19:20Bim bar.
19:20Bin bags.
19:21Get it?
19:22Ooh, she's on fire.
19:52I'm not going to be a man.
19:52I'm not going to be a man.
19:53No, no, no, no.
19:54No, no, no.
19:54No, no, no.
19:55You're a fussy, Vinny.
19:56They see you, too.
19:56You're a fussy.
19:57Maybe you feel nice to me.
19:58I might tell you.
20:16Let it go.
20:17Seriously.
20:18She's miserable with everyone.
20:20She's miserable because her husband left her.
20:21Because her son has a crush on his in-laws, so she barely gets a look in, even at Christmas.
20:25And because she's not getting any younger.
20:28Oh, and her mother's got dementia.
20:29So, that's...
20:30And just because she's head of department, don't run away with the idea that she's some genius teacher
20:36with a mad infectious passion for the written word.
20:39Kids think she's a boring old.
20:42Morning, Beth.
20:44Morning.
20:45Morning.
20:46Morning, Beth.
20:50Hey, me.
20:50You printed out your worksheets.
20:55Oh.
21:03You made her cry.
21:05She's not three.
21:06Or 16, even.
21:07Or 17.
21:08Or 23.
21:09She's 26.
21:10She's got a master's degree.
21:11I shouldn't have to point out every morning that she has to print out her worksheets.
21:15Yes, but there are ways of saying things.
21:17On three occasions, she's wasted valuable lesson time because she's failed to print out worksheets.
21:21Or printed out the wrong sheets.
21:23Twice.
21:23Twice she's done that.
21:24I just simply pointed it out, which is my job.
21:26She might be 26, but you're twice her age.
21:30More.
21:31And we have a duty of care.
21:32You have a duty of care.
21:34You interviewed her.
21:35You chose her.
21:35I liked her.
21:36I still like her.
21:37I just...
21:37You have a responsibility towards her.
21:41And you have a duty of care to me.
21:43As well.
21:44In fact.
21:47And I'm not too great right now.
21:49It's a tonal thing, Beth.
21:57I nearly killed myself last night.
22:00I was there with a blue nylon rope.
22:03I poured myself a very large G&T.
22:06I'd written a note to...
22:10To my son.
22:12Tom.
22:14I had the thing around my neck.
22:16I was ready to go.
22:18And the phone rang.
22:20Twice.
22:23Can you believe that?
22:27I'm like Uncle fucking Vanya.
22:29I can't even kill myself properly.
22:34What I'm going to do, Beth,
22:35and this isn't to humiliate you,
22:37and I don't want you to hear it like that,
22:39I'm going to ask Barnaby to mentor Amy going forward.
22:42It's a step up for him.
22:44It's one less thing for you to worry about.
22:46An apology wouldn't go amiss,
22:48but I can see that might not be where you are just now, just yet.
22:52But, yeah, that's where we are now.
22:55Do you think that women of a certain age can become, you know, invisible?
23:06I mean, seriously.
23:08Couldn't someone say,
23:09I nearly killed myself last night,
23:11and you don't even kind of hear it?
23:14Have you been to the doctor?
23:15What doctor?
23:16Your doctor.
23:17Oh.
23:18Oh, well, a while ago.
23:20He put me on antidepressants.
23:23He said they won't work for three months,
23:24so I didn't bother with them.
23:25I know you've had things to deal with over the last year,
23:28with your marriage and so forth,
23:30and I sympathise with that.
23:31I do, of course I do,
23:32but there's only so many times you can bring it into work with you.
23:37And, Beth, you shouldn't exaggerate.
23:39When did I exaggerate?
23:41Not about self-harm.
23:44I wonder why you think I'm exaggerating.
23:47Again, maybe it's a tone.
23:49Let's keep talking,
23:51and do remember our new policy
23:53of maintaining a community of trust.
23:59Do you ever feel like you're living in an alternative universe?
24:05No.
24:10I don't think I'm exaggerating.
24:45Shit!
25:15Kitty.
25:17I made you some tea.
25:20Come on.
25:21It's half past one.
25:22I need you to get moving.
25:23I need you to be out of here.
25:24I feel like shit.
25:25Yeah, well, let's get some breakfast in, Serge,
25:27and then you need to get down into Hebden Bridge and get on a bus.
25:29I need a shower.
25:30Can I have another shower?
25:31And then you've got to get up to the council offices in Halifax.
25:34Why?
25:35We talked about this last night.
25:37So they can sort you out with a temporary address
25:38and put you on a waiting list for something more permanent.
25:40You know what would be like some shitty infested bed and breakfast?
25:43Only till you're eligible for something more permanent.
25:45In two years.
25:46Fuck that.
25:47Yeah, obviously it's better if you can persuade a friend to let you have a room
25:49or a settee for a bit.
25:52Do you want some muesli?
25:53God, no.
25:54Tea?
25:55Thanks.
25:56Because you've got...
25:57500 chuggers.
25:58Yeah.
25:59Come on.
26:00One of your boys came in earlier to find his shoes.
26:03Adam.
26:04I think I shocked him.
26:05Yep.
26:06He's fit, isn't he?
26:07Who'd you get that off then?
26:09So, I'm going out in about half an hour to see a fella about a guitar.
26:14So you need to get your backside into gear.
26:16Do you know what?
26:17I'm alright, I'll stay here.
26:18No, Kitty.
26:19I took you in because all the hostels were full last night
26:21and because I personally would never see a woman who's bleeding as heavily as you are.
26:24and just try to end it all, sleep on the street.
26:27But I've got a house full with both boys still at home
26:29and I need my settee, I need my front room.
26:31I've done what I can, it was an emergency, but you've got to help yourself now.
26:34Alright?
26:43Mum, hi.
26:44These aren't my biscuits.
26:45Sorry, but...
26:46What, what biscuits?
26:47I don't want to give this sort of cupboard space.
26:49It's a mystery how they got in here at all.
26:51Right, I'll tell you what, I'll be round in a bit.
26:53I was in A&E all night with...
26:55Anyway, I ended up doing overtime and didn't get back in until 4 in the morning, so...
26:59It'll be that Veronica.
27:01Anyway, I've told her not to come again.
27:04I'm sick of her.
27:05Mum, she comes round to help you.
27:07She's just doing her job.
27:09I'm going to put the chain on in future and then she won't be able to get in.
27:12No, Mum...
27:13Well, I said I'll put the chain on.
27:14You know, she can get through it.
27:16What do you mean?
27:17She brings a fella in.
27:18During the night.
27:19And they have sex in my little back bedroom.
27:22Sorry, who...
27:23What?
27:24Veronica.
27:25She doesn't.
27:26Oh, no, she does.
27:27I've heard them.
27:28What fella?
27:29Well, I don't know.
27:30Mum.
27:31Why would Veronica sneak into your house in the middle of the night without sex with a fella?
27:35Well, she'll be having a fling.
27:37Mum, she...
27:38They can't go home if they're cheating on the partners, can they?
27:41Think it through.
27:42She's a carer.
27:43She's a professional carer.
27:45She'd lose a job.
27:46She wouldn't do that.
27:47Says you.
27:48Nobody can get into your house at night if you lock up properly, Mum.
27:55Well, she can.
27:57Well, have you seen them?
27:59No.
28:00I hear them.
28:01Well, so, how do you know it's Veronica?
28:03I recognise her voice.
28:05Have you said anything to her?
28:07No.
28:08She's a big woman.
28:10She turns nasty.
28:11I'm coming round.
28:13When?
28:14Yeah, now.
28:15Oh, OK.
28:16So, what are we doing about these biscuits?
28:19I'll deal with the biscuits.
28:21See you later.
28:22Bye, bye, bye.
28:24Right, come on.
28:25Shower.
28:26Whatever.
28:27I need you to be heading down to that bus stop because I've got things to do.
28:32I mean now!
28:34I don't need another shower.
28:37Fucking hell.
28:38Not your shit shampoo.
28:40Cruelty free shampoo.
28:41And you do need another shower, love.
28:43I've got a bit of business to see to myself, in fact, so no problem.
28:46So grateful.
28:47Thank you so much.
28:48No, the pleasure was all mine.
28:53Oh, Kitty!
28:54Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:56Hi, this is Tom.
28:57Please leave a message.
28:58You can fuck off.
28:59Right, fuck it.
29:01You can fuck off.
29:02Right, fuck it.
29:03You can fuck off.
29:04Right, fuck it.
29:05You can fuck off.
29:06Right, fuck it.
29:07You can fuck off.
29:08You can fuck off.
29:10Right, fuck it.
29:12You can fuck off.
29:13You can fuck off.
29:14You can fuck off.
29:15You can fuck off.
29:16Right, fuck it.
29:19Oh, no.
29:20Oh, no.
29:21Yeah.
29:22Maybe.
29:23Please, let me call me.
29:24Oh, no.
29:26Oh, you have to go.
29:27Yeah.
29:28How do you play?
29:29You have to be open to me.
29:31Had enough to be open to me.
29:34Yeah.
29:35Have a great thing.
29:38And.
29:39I'm sorry A falou.
29:42What?
29:44Hey.
29:45Okay, gun, gun.
29:47Yes.
29:47Yeah.
29:48No.
30:19How are you, Miss?
30:31Calvin.
30:32Do you play?
30:33Guitar?
30:34No.
30:35Do you?
30:37Calvin, you know this morning when you held open the door for Alia and Jo?
30:42Court past eight this morning, heading in through the science block door.
30:46Oh, yeah.
30:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
30:47Did you not see me?
30:49Loaded with books and bags just behind you?
30:52Was you?
30:53Yeah, or did you see me?
30:55And think, oh, whatever, she can manage.
30:58Or did you just not see me?
31:02There's no wrong answers.
31:04I'm just doing some research.
31:06The last one, obviously, because of course I would have held the door open for a lovely lady like yourself, if I'd seen you.
31:11I was less than ten feet away, and closing in.
31:15Probably gazing at Alia's assets.
31:17Of course you were.
31:20Sorry.
31:22Okay.
31:22I'd sell my car on his arse for that, Gibson.
31:28Mmm.
31:29Hello, hello.
31:31You just...
31:31Fucking guys, or...?
31:33I was thinking about buying a new keyboard.
31:36Sure.
31:36Do you want to...
31:37This way.
31:39Is it, er, for yourself?
31:41For myself.
31:42Yes.
31:42Right, so.
31:43We've got these models start around the 350 mark.
31:46Very popular with people such as yourself.
31:49I'm in a rock band.
31:50I need something a bit more dangerous than that.
31:53Okay, what kind of...?
31:54I was thinking of a more proper, big, digital doodah.
31:59Oh, nice.
32:00Miss, did you say you were in a band?
32:01Yeah.
32:02What, erm, sort of stuff do you play?
32:05Punk-ish.
32:06Mainly, that kind of vibe.
32:09You don't normally get keys and synths in punk bands?
32:11Yeah, well, we're kind of experimental.
32:13Although, Devo, The Screamers, Tirey Teenage Riot.
32:17Yeah, nice.
32:19Exciting.
32:20What's your band called, miss?
32:24Riot Women.
32:25We sing songs about being middle-aged and menopausal
32:28and more or less invisible.
32:30Wow.
32:31Yeah.
32:32And you thought The Clash were angry.
32:43Lost in time, I can't count the words
32:49I said when I thought they went unheard
32:53All of those harsh thoughts, so unkind
32:58Cause I wanted you
33:00And now I sit here, I'm all alone
33:08So, yes, it's a bloody mess
33:11Tears fly
33:12Oh, oh, oh
33:13A circle of angels
33:16Deep in war
33:18Cause I wanted you
33:20Weak as I am
33:25No tears for you
33:27Weak as I am
33:30No tears for you
33:32Deep as I am
33:34I'm no one's fool
33:36Weak as I am
33:40Weak as I am
33:41Weak as I am
33:45Weak as I am
33:48Yeah, yeah, yeah
33:51Weak as I am
33:52Am I too bad for you
33:55Weak as I am
33:57Am I too bad for you
34:00Weak as I am
34:02And now I'm too bad for you
34:05Weak as I am
34:32Let's go.
35:02Hey! I'm calling the police right now!
35:20Oh, my thing!
35:21Did you hear me? I said I'm calling the...
35:23Oh, you call the fuckers, it's 999.
35:25I want my things, you lying, two-faced bastard!
35:27I don't know this.
35:28I think I might be interested in your little habit.
35:30Shut the fuck up.
35:31Oh, is she?
35:32Having done.
35:33Shut your shit from your grubby little shagpat.
35:35Now you, stay away from my husband, you two-bit whore.
35:43Nice old!
35:45Weird as I am!
35:50Weird as I am!
35:53Fucking disgust me.
35:56Right foot down for Kia.
35:57It's black!
35:58It's black!
36:00It's black!
36:04Let's see.
36:07Let's see.
36:37Oh, hi. How's it going?
36:38Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, thanks for calling me back.
36:41I don't know who that was.
36:43Yeah, called you about an hour ago.
36:45Ah, OK. Well, I was just ringing...
36:47Hang on, what are you ringing me for?
36:48Well, I was just wondering about whether you've heard anything
36:50from the adoption services about...
36:52about your birth mother?
36:55Oh, er...
36:56No, I've not heard anything there.
36:59It's been four weeks.
37:01I know, yeah.
37:02Well, they're probably as short-staffed as everybody else, aren't they?
37:06I will let you know, Mum, if I hear anything.
37:10Yeah, yeah, sure.
37:11Obviously, I'd like to know.
37:14Yeah, of course.
37:16OK, so...
37:18So?
37:18Yes, so.
37:19Er, I was ringing you because, um...
37:24You know how we were coming over for Sunday lunch
37:26at the end of next month, on the 27th?
37:29Yeah, for my belated Mother's Day.
37:31Is it possible that we could push it on till the 17th of the month after?
37:34We've been invited to, er, an engagement thing
37:37with Ferns Randallissia.
37:38So, obviously, it's a big one-off thing in Surrey, so...
37:44And all of our Durham friends will be there as well.
37:46So, if we miss it, we miss it, whereas, um...
37:49Yeah, I'm just...
37:51I'm just going to go now because, um...
37:54I'm literally just got back from work
37:56and I'm still sitting in the car.
37:58Oh, sorry.
38:00No, no.
38:01Well, look, let me know when you get a minute, won't you?
38:03Yeah, yeah.
38:04I will, I will.
38:06Bye!
38:07Bye!
38:07Bye, bye, bye.
38:08Bye, bye.
38:10No.
38:12No, you did well.
38:13That was really bad.
38:13You did well.
38:14No.
38:38Oh, hallelujah.
38:52I just got your message just now and I was just passing, so...
38:54I lost that message at, like, 2 o'clock this afternoon.
38:57I've been stuck in theatre all day.
38:59First with a woman who came in with a cord prolapse,
39:02then I had a woman with a retained placenta after the cord snap,
39:05and then I had a woman with a third-degree tear.
39:07Yeah, seriously.
39:08When I started this job 200 years ago,
39:10he delivered one baby at once.
39:11Now I'm racing between three different women
39:12in three different recovery rooms.
39:14And Bree's.
39:16What's that for?
39:17Oh, this lad I arrested a couple of months ago.
39:19He lent me his base.
39:21Jess ran the due, asked me to do this charity thing, so...
39:23Just tell me about Mum.
39:25So, yeah, so I went round to Mum's.
39:27No sign of any break-ins or anybody doing anything
39:29they shouldn't be doing in a back bedroom,
39:30so I finally got to speak to the doctor,
39:33and apparently...
39:34Oh, come on.
39:35Hang on.
39:37Hmm.
39:40What?
39:42Aww.
39:42What?
39:44Oh, er, just this guy I met.
39:47On my...
39:49dating app.
39:50You did it?
39:51Yeah, seen a couple of times, and...
39:53Yeah.
39:54He's...
39:54Still living with his wife.
39:56Home like a hamster.
39:57Collectible tickets.
39:58Yeah, he's all right.
39:59Actually seems quite normal,
40:00compared to, you know,
40:01some of the others.
40:04So, yeah, anyway,
40:05apparently,
40:06this is one of the things that can happen
40:07when they get dementia.
40:08What is?
40:08You get people coming and having sex
40:10in your back bedroom?
40:11No, they get auditory hallucinations.
40:13Eh?
40:14Yeah.
40:15Look it up, nurse.
40:16I deliver babies.
40:18I don't know anything about geriatrics.
40:20I was slow when she said it.
40:22I mean, she's deaf.
40:23She couldn't hear if Veronica was having sex
40:25with a giraffe in her back bedroom,
40:26never mind some fella.
40:28Anyway, the point is,
40:30for her,
40:31it's real.
40:34And she's frightened.
40:37And I know you don't want to think about it,
40:39but...
40:40I'm wondering
40:42if it's time she came to live with one of us.
40:47Cos she's just not coping properly.
40:51Anymore.
40:55Yvonne.
40:57Do you want to be in a rock band?
41:06What?
41:15They're young, they're busy,
41:16the world's their oyster,
41:17I understand that.
41:18It would just be nice,
41:19once in a while,
41:20not to always be the one
41:21being shuffled off onto the back burner,
41:23again.
41:24And I know it's silly,
41:25but my worry,
41:27he might not tell me.
41:28Even if his birth mother
41:29did get in touch with him.
41:31Well, why wouldn't he?
41:32I don't know.
41:33To protect my feelings,
41:34I can imagine him saying.
41:36I'd just...
41:37what?
41:42I'm worried she'd be such a novelty,
41:44and he'd be so taken up with her that...
41:46she might be a novelty for five minutes.
41:53Why shouldn't he have a relationship with her,
41:54if that's what he wants?
41:57I just sometimes feel that
41:58they've all had the best of me
42:01for years.
42:03And now that I've got nothing left to give,
42:05I'm dispensable.
42:08Boring and dispensable.
42:09No, you're not.
42:11Oh, come on.
42:11Look, and whoever the hell she is,
42:12she's not going to replace you, Beth.
42:15Sorry.
42:16Going on.
42:18Hey.
42:19I've got a secret.
42:21You haven't, have you?
42:23Just the one.
42:25OK.
42:27I bought a subscription
42:29to these online drumming lessons
42:30about six or seven months ago,
42:32and they're really good.
42:34Right, it's all pre-recorded,
42:35so, you know,
42:36you don't have to talk to anyone or anything.
42:38And I play with these, like,
42:40dampener pads on the head,
42:42so no-one can actually hear me
42:43in the garage.
42:44So you can already play?
42:46Yeah.
42:46Well, badly.
42:48Yeah.
42:48So when they mentioned the talent contest,
42:50I thought, this is it.
42:51This is me chance
42:52to come out of the closet.
42:53I can be as bad as I like.
42:54And everyone will actually
42:55think I've done quite well,
42:56considering I've only been at it
42:57a few short weeks.
42:58Let's have a look.
43:00Come on, then.
43:12Woo!
43:15Why is that a secret?
43:17Can't exactly practise in the house, can I?
43:19I don't see Mary think the aliens had landed.
43:20You should, though.
43:22It's not that.
43:23It's all the smart-arse comments
43:25I get from bloody Chloe
43:26whenever I try and do anything a bit different.
43:28She's so rude about Gerry.
43:29Honestly, bless him.
43:31I mean, I know he's a bit bloody ordinary,
43:32but so am I.
43:33Oh, Chloe.
43:35Tell her to fuck off.
43:36I know.
43:38I do.
43:39Now and then,
43:40it just doesn't make any difference.
43:41You're not ordinary, by the way.
43:42Oh!
43:43Steady.
43:44Far from it.
43:46I...
43:46A bit weird,
43:48but I remembered something today.
43:50I was in a music shop in Leeds
43:51and it all came back.
43:53Years ago,
43:54I bought an electric guitar.
43:56I was in the sixth form.
43:57I think you must have just dropped out.
43:59I had a Saturday job
44:00and I saved 120 quid
44:01and I bought an electric guitar
44:03and a little lamp.
44:04And I had completely forgotten I'd done that.
44:08How was it?
44:09So you can play?
44:10Oh, no, no, no.
44:11No, I didn't persevere.
44:13I don't even remember what happened to it.
44:14Must have sold it.
44:16Could never fathom the manual beyond the basics
44:18and it never occurred to me to get lessons.
44:20But I had that desire
44:22and so did you, didn't you?
44:25Way back then.
44:26Why do you think we never talked about it?
44:28We listened to enough music.
44:29It'd have been all right if we were lads.
44:31If we'd have been lads, it'd have been cool.
44:32Jess.
44:34I bought a keyboard this afternoon.
44:36A serious keyboard?
44:38Seriously.
44:39Oh, my God.
44:39Was it expensive?
44:41I thought, fuck it.
44:43Why not?
44:45I've been solo lately
44:46with Mom and Martin
44:49decided to bugger off
44:50for some reason that's never been clear to me.
44:53And Tom and work.
44:54But this,
44:56this really fired my imagination.
44:57This really made me think, yes,
45:00for the first time in longer than I care to remember.
45:02A buzz of something not unlike actual joy.
45:05Oh, babe.
45:07Can I say something, though?
45:08Yeah.
45:11I'm not sure about Waterloo.
45:12Oh, we don't have to do Waterloo.
45:15I think we could do something much angrier.
45:18Something more about us.
45:19Women like us,
45:20who are where they are in the world
45:22and then suddenly all this nonsense happens
45:24that they never even saw coming.
45:26Yeah.
45:27Difficult parents.
45:27Oh, my God.
45:28I can see Mary.
45:28Midlife crisis husbands.
45:29And your child's still doing your head in.
45:31Still.
45:32And then the menopause.
45:33Oh, my fucking menopause.
45:34Tearful every tiny, stupid thing.
45:37The anxiety.
45:38The brain fog.
45:38And in the middle of all that,
45:40you become invisible.
45:43Even to yourself.
45:44You're right.
45:44Even when you're screaming and shouting.
45:46You're invisible.
45:47I know.
45:47How does that happen?
45:48I don't know.
45:49Just when you thought you got traction in the world.
45:52Just when you finally think,
45:53I've got it sorted.
45:54I know.
45:56So I think,
45:57whatever we do,
45:59we should do it with attitude.
46:00We can do whatever we want.
46:02Hang on.
46:04Miranda.
46:05Miranda.
46:05Where have you gone, Mum?
46:06There's a couple of ladies asking after you at the bar.
46:09Right, OK.
46:10They're here.
46:10Oh!
46:11Come on.
46:13Come on.
46:13Oh!
46:13Oh!
46:19Oh!
46:21Hi, Beth.
46:21Chloe.
46:22You look.
46:25Don't wait up.
46:28Another new fella?
46:29God knows.
46:38You get in the shroud, didn't you?
46:39Yeah, I'll get it.
46:40It's 22.
46:41It's 12.50.
46:42Jess?
46:43Yes?
46:43We're the singers.
46:44I'm Nisha.
46:45Ah!
46:45Yeah.
46:46Fantastic.
46:47Yeah, this is my sister, Karen.
46:48Hiya.
46:49Hiya, hiya.
46:50This is Beth.
46:51Beth.
46:51Hi.
46:51Beth playing piano, keyboards.
46:53And these are friends of Holly's.
46:55Holly's playing bass.
46:56You've not met Holly yet.
46:58So, yeah, you work with Holly.
46:59I do, yeah.
46:59Cam's a hairdresser.
47:00Hi.
47:01And we're both tone deaf, so we're going to nail it.
47:02Oh, yeah, we do out for a laugh.
47:04You're tone deaf?
47:04Waterloo, couldn't escape if I wanted to.
47:08Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
47:09Waterloo, well, my fate is to be with you.
47:12I had a thought about that, actually.
47:13In fact, what I was wondering was, instead of doing Waterloo, we could sing something else.
47:17Yeah.
47:17Like what?
47:17Well, for instance, I was thinking of years and you retired lady of leisure, Holly Gaskill.
47:22Get out the champagne, Miranda.
47:26No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
47:27Oh, yes, yes, yes.
47:28Come on.
47:2930 years.
47:30It's the end of an era.
47:31You can't retire from the force without a glass of champagne.
47:33We've got it all ready.
47:34Not for me.
47:35I'm gas intolerant.
47:36I've brought Yvonne, my sister.
47:38She did guitar years ago when we were young, so.
47:41Hello.
47:41Hi.
47:42Beth, Holly, Yvonne.
47:43So, what's the plan exactly?
47:45Need to know what nights you're rehearsing, how long for, because I've got a lot of other
47:48commitments.
47:49Also, when is this event?
47:52And have you got someone who can actually sing?
47:54Because that's the key to something like this.
47:55They don't want someone who can sing.
47:56They want someone who's shit.
47:58Well, hang on.
47:59We don't want someone who's shit.
48:00We just don't mind if they aren't perfect.
48:02I thought it was a lack of talent contest.
48:04Lack of talent contest?
48:05What she said.
48:05No, but that was a joke.
48:06It's a talent contest, but it's local, so it'll all probably be a bit, you know, shit.
48:11That's all that meant.
48:12And we're performing.
48:13What?
48:14Oh, Waterloo!
48:14Oh, let's get it on the karaoke.
48:15Can we turn the karaoke on, Jess?
48:16No, no, no.
48:17It's board games, not at all.
48:18It's not all panic and clear off if you think it's karaoke night.
48:21We're not rehearsing.
48:22We're not having a boogie.
48:23No.
48:23No, we're just discussing.
48:24Yeah, I...
48:25Here you go.
48:25Can I suggest?
48:26Champagne, champagne.
48:27Oh, can I just suggest that we don't get too hung up on Waterloo?
48:31What I was wondering was whether we shouldn't cover something a bit edgier?
48:34I like Waterloo.
48:36Oh, it's a good pop song, but if you're talking about being in a rock band, then surely you
48:40want to be doing something a bit more...
48:42More, erm...
48:43Yeah, I mean, wouldn't it be kind of cool if we could do...
48:46Well...
48:48Well, what is the ultimate rock and roll song?
48:52Oh, God.
48:54Ultimate rock and roll song?
48:55Pass.
48:56Is there smoke on the water?
48:57Layla.
48:58Back in black.
49:00All night long?
49:01Edge of 17.
49:01It smells like teen armpits.
49:03Satisfaction.
49:05I'm talking about satisfaction.
49:06Can you imagine satisfaction sung by women?
49:09Women of a certain age.
49:10Well, most of us.
49:12Isn't that interesting?
49:14Yeah.
49:15I'd do anything.
49:16As long as I know which strings to twang, pluck, pick, pick, or...
49:20Hang on.
49:21Satisfaction.
49:22Think it through.
49:23The words.
49:24It's all wrong.
49:25We can't sing that.
49:25Why not?
49:26We're women.
49:27So what?
49:27It's funny.
49:29Because we're women.
49:29Is it?
49:31How?
49:32Well, poignant, then.
49:33Like we're still up for it.
49:36I think it's funny and poignant.
49:38Well, not nearly as funny as a bunch of 80-year-old blokes singing it, but...
49:41No, you don't.
49:42It's stupid.
49:42It's not stupid.
49:43It's...
49:44It's challenging.
49:48It's a suggestion.
49:51Look, if we don't want to do Waterloo, why don't we do...
49:53Ring, ring.
49:55Honey, honey.
49:55Money, money, money.
49:56Ooh, give me, give me, give me.
49:57Who left it?
49:58Yeah, though, that's still kind of missing the point I was trying to make about edgier,
50:01but, um...
50:02Is it meant to be edgy, though?
50:03Is it not just meant to be a laugh?
50:04Sure.
50:05I'm just suggesting that we can be edgy if we choose to be.
50:09Let's just stick with Waterloo, for God's sake.
50:10I need to know dates, I need to know what nights you're rehearsing, where, how long for,
50:14and the date of the actual thing.
50:15Yeah, let's not try and actually enjoy ourselves-y.
50:18What, by being angry?
50:21Yvonne just likes to pin things down, be clear about dates.
50:24It's her way of enjoying herself.
50:26Sure, well, I've got things I could be doing myself this evening.
50:29I just don't think we should be doing Waterloo,
50:30just because it's the first thing that Jess thought of,
50:32which she admits might not be the right thing.
50:34Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
50:37Champagne?
50:38No, I'm driving.
50:39Oh, right, OK.
50:39So, look, I think the date the PTA you're working towards
50:42is the 17th of next month.
50:44But why is she...
50:44Why are you even here, Yvonne?
50:47Is it?
50:48If all you care about is how much this is going to inconvenience you.
50:50Because I don't like letting people down at a later date
50:53if I haven't established all the facts in the first place.
50:55I thought that was a bit of a no-brainer.
51:01So, can I just say...
51:02..congratulations to Holly.
51:05No, 30 years of public service.
51:08Come on.
51:09Cheers, sweetheart.
51:10It's amazing.
51:12Amazing.
51:12Thanks.
51:13Not all good at all.
51:14Fine, whatever.
51:15Let's sing a song that makes us all look like lesbians.
51:17I don't mind looking like a lesbian.
51:19I don't mind looking like a lesbian.
51:21She is a lesbian.
51:23Actually.
51:24Right, OK.
51:25Tell you what.
51:27Jess, you phone me when you have decided what we're doing
51:29because I've got a pile of marking that I need to be doing.
51:31So, I'll see you later.
51:32Oh, Jesus.
51:34Beth, I'll ring you.
51:35I'll call you.
51:36Beth, I'll ring you.
52:06Beth, I'll ring you.
52:08Beth, I'll ring you.
52:09Beth, I'll ring you.
52:10Beth, I'll ring you.
52:11Beth, I'll ring you.
52:12Beth, I'll ring you.
52:13Beth, I'll ring you.
52:14Beth, I'll ring you.
52:15Beth, I'll ring you.
52:16Beth, I'll ring you.
52:17Beth, I'll ring you.
52:18Beth, I'll ring you.
52:19Beth, I'll ring you.
52:20Beth, I'll ring you.
52:21Beth, I'll ring you.
52:22Beth, I'll ring you.
52:23Beth, I'll ring you.
52:24Beth, I'll ring you.
52:25Beth, I'll ring you.
52:26Beth, I'll ring you.
52:27Beth, I'll ring you.
52:28Beth, I'll ring you.
52:29Beth, I'll ring you.
52:30Beth, I'll ring you.
52:31They want, they will never want it again
52:35They want, they will never want it again
52:40Go on, take everything, take everything
52:44I want you too
52:46Go on, take everything, take everything
52:50I want you too
52:54And the sky was all fine
52:57I want to get more violent, more violent
53:03And I'm one with no soul
53:09One above and one below
53:14My life's today, yeah
53:20Mine is forever
53:27Mine is today, yeah
53:32Mine is forever
53:34And they get what they want
53:37And they never want it again
53:40They get what they want
53:42And they never want it again
53:45Go on, take everything, take everything
53:49I want you too
53:51Go on, take everything, take everything
53:55I dare you too
53:57Don't from the start
53:59Just how this would end
54:02When I get what I want
54:05And I never want it again
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