- 5 minutes ago
Write Dirty with Katherine Ryan Season 1 Episode 7
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Yeah.
00:01Oh, that's such an easy commute for me.
00:03Very good.
00:10Flicking through the fashion pages of the Sunday paper,
00:13I was delighted to see that yet again,
00:16every new trend suited me.
00:17But my delight soon turned to despair
00:20when I fell upon the obituaries
00:21and saw that an ex-lover of mine
00:23had met an unfortunate ending,
00:25choking on overcooked veal in the Algarve.
00:28R.I.P. Danny boy, I thought.
00:30R.I.P. Danny boy, indeed.
00:32I'm, of course, too booked and busy to attend his wake.
00:35But as I disposed of the newspaper in my log burner,
00:38my temperature started to rise
00:40and thoughts of a filthy funeral filled my mind.
00:44What if a sexy priest recites a hot prayer
00:48that makes you drop to your knees?
00:50What if a mourning widow spent the night
00:53and gave you mourning wood?
00:55What if the sight of a strong pallbearer
00:57brings on rigor mortis, but only in your pants?
01:00I need to hear this story told in full.
01:02I loitered around my local funeral home
01:04to find two of the most twisted writers
01:06who would tell me how the story would go
01:08and to write me dirty.
01:11Hello, I'm Catherine Ryan and I've got two guests
01:16to write me a dirty story
01:17all in the hopes of winning a Write Me Dirty pen.
01:21And this week, my two bewitching bookworms
01:23are Josh Jones and Sakisa.
01:26Welcome.
01:27Hello.
01:28Very fancy room.
01:29It's super fancy.
01:31This is my Write Me Dirty library.
01:32And if you are successful today,
01:34your book will be added to my collection on the shelf.
01:36Oh, thank you.
01:37So how did you two meet?
01:38On the circuit, I presume.
01:40On the circuit.
01:41I'm sure you was working at the Cavendish...
01:44Arms?
01:44Arms.
01:45Yeah, probably.
01:46And I had come down to do a few gigs
01:49and then I met you there
01:50and then I went back up and off.
01:52But we became friends later on.
01:54Yeah.
01:54The Cavendish is where I started comedy and where...
01:57You were working?
01:58What do you mean working?
01:59Like also working behind the bar?
02:00Yeah.
02:00Yeah.
02:01I worked behind the bar
02:02whilst I was training to be a lawyer.
02:04Yeah, I was going to say,
02:05I thought you were a lawyer.
02:06I am.
02:06She's got too many jobs.
02:07I've got too many jobs.
02:08That's too much.
02:08The main thing I've been saying to you
02:10is you need to get rid of that job.
02:12Every day we speak, I'm like...
02:14Get rid of the job.
02:14What jobs have you got now?
02:16Still lawyering?
02:17Still lawyering.
02:18Oh, no.
02:18Still occasionally work behind the bar.
02:22Obviously do stand-up comedy full-time.
02:24She's a burlesque performer.
02:25I'm a burlesque performer.
02:26She did that like bingo.
02:28Do bingo as well?
02:29Yeah.
02:30I do everything.
02:30I just can't sing.
02:31That's the only thing I can't do.
02:32I literally speak to her on the phone.
02:33I'm like, go and have a nap.
02:35Yeah.
02:35This is too much.
02:37So, Josh, you do nothing but comedy.
02:39Yeah.
02:40I try not to do anything.
02:43Sounds less impressive now.
02:44You know, I was like, oh, we've got the tour, but now how many cases have you defended
02:49in one this year?
02:50None.
02:50I could do it.
02:52Yeah.
02:52No, you couldn't do it.
02:53You just made a tour.
02:55I couldn't do a serious job like that because of my voice.
02:59I wanted to be a pilot, but I can't go on the, hello, this is your captain, then I'll
03:03get off the plane.
03:04I am.
03:05So.
03:06Do you really think, because I love your voice for stand-up.
03:08I think it is perfect.
03:09You've fallen into exactly the right career.
03:11It's not good for a far air.
03:12Yeah.
03:13But if I've tried to be.
03:15I know, I think you could do it.
03:15If I tried to be mad at people, they'd just laugh at me.
03:19And I'm like, I'm being serious.
03:20I'm fuming.
03:23What about in the bedroom?
03:24Yeah.
03:25Great question.
03:26Very unruly.
03:27Do you know what?
03:28Yeah, if I can't, I actually can't.
03:29Yeah.
03:30If I'm topping, I can go a bit manly.
03:32But I channel like a 53-year-old electrician from Rochdale.
03:37I'm like, I'm goof.
03:38Like, I get manly.
03:40Okay.
03:40Yeah.
03:41And don't you have some, like a violent undertone to you as well?
03:45Because don't, when we first met on 8 Out of 10 Cats, I think you spoke about boxing.
03:49Oh, I did boxing.
03:50Yeah.
03:50So that's manly.
03:51Yeah, I did box for a few years when I was younger.
03:54I had loads of fights when I was younger.
03:56Yeah.
03:56Because it was like quite rough school and whatever.
03:59And people like, you were gay.
04:01And you're just like, ooch.
04:02I had butt.
04:03Right.
04:04And, but now I'm not like, now I'm 32.
04:07I'm so lazy.
04:08I don't want to fight.
04:09So you don't fight, but we know you could fight from your past as a rough Mancunian child.
04:15I've not had a fight in well over 10 years, so I feel like I would get battered.
04:19But if you did, we know a good lawyer.
04:21Yes.
04:21We know a good lawyer.
04:22When not burlesque dancing.
04:23An immigration lawyer.
04:24I will help you stay in the country.
04:26Has there ever been useful crossover, Sakisa, with like your stand-up, your bartending, your burlesque, and your immigration law?
04:36I don't think it's helped me keep men away from me.
04:41I think they find it too much intimidating.
04:43Men who think you're too much are always too little.
04:46This is true.
04:47Don't you find?
04:47This is true.
04:48And I've been trying to attract these men.
04:52Sometimes I try and be like, I only do one thing if I meet someone new.
04:55And then a friend will come out into the blue and be like, are you Mexican?
04:58She does this, this.
05:00And I'm like, go away.
05:01You're just cop blocking right now.
05:02This is annoying.
05:03Which profession do you think men find the least intimidating?
05:05Which one would you lead with?
05:06If you saw a really sexy guy and you thought, don't want to scare him off, so I will omit.
05:11I would have to say the least intimidating one is probably the immigration lawyer.
05:15Really?
05:16Yeah.
05:16They're more intimidated by stand-up.
05:18Yeah.
05:19We have no power.
05:21You're a liar.
05:22No, but women.
05:24Yeah, they don't like it.
05:25They don't like it.
05:25They don't like when women are more funnier than they are and don't have as much.
05:30They see it as women.
05:31I never got that though.
05:31What do you just want to be with someone boring?
05:33Well, you wouldn't get it, Josh, because we've established you're very manly.
05:36Yeah.
05:37I thought he was about to say, very gay.
05:40Manly.
05:40You're not intimidated by a female stand-up.
05:43No.
05:43And you're very sexually liberated.
05:45The both of you, I've seen you both talk about sex on stage.
05:47Yes.
05:47Yeah, I feel like I'm getting less sexually liberated now.
05:52Because you're in a relationship.
05:54You're doing the gardening.
05:55He's like in a proper relationship.
05:57Oh, no.
05:57And I'm joined Field.
05:59Yeah.
06:00That's my level.
06:00Field is the kinky one.
06:02Yeah.
06:03It's the kinky sex positive one.
06:05Yeah, some of my friends have shown me that app and I'm like, wow.
06:08Oh, babe.
06:09I'll be out my deck.
06:09Well, hopefully we're going to give them some inspiration today.
06:12All of our listeners, you seem like two very sexy friends.
06:15Josh, a little bit less so lately, but hopefully this assignment brings you out of your shell.
06:20I'm still, I think I'm a, I think I'm a good ride.
06:23Yeah.
06:24But I just, I just kind of keep it to myself.
06:26I put the work in.
06:27Okay.
06:28I've shagged my way into the postcode I'm in.
06:31And that's from years of experience.
06:32And that's the dream.
06:33Yeah.
06:33Done the work.
06:34Yeah.
06:37Wow.
06:43You've entered my library today, having written a story about each other, and it must feature
06:48a certain setting, character, and prop.
06:51Your saga must be set in a funeral and feature a pallbearer, a eulogy, and of course, a sandwich
06:58buffet.
06:59The winner gets a write me dirty pen, and your story will feature on my sensual shelf filled
07:04with saucy stories.
07:05Consent in the write me dirty library is, of course, paramount.
07:09So you guys get to decide who goes first.
07:11I think Josh should go first.
07:13All right.
07:14Also, we both said before, we're both dyslexic, so this might be the longest episode you've
07:20ever had.
07:21There might be some happy accidents with the dyslexia, you know?
07:24What is the name of your story, please?
07:27So the title is The Death of a Little Cutie Pie.
07:30Oh, no.
07:31Oh.
07:32I thought that was quite an endearing title.
07:34Right.
07:35The year is 2082, and a cloudy dim sky parades over a church in Manchester.
07:43An elderly vicar is standing at the altar.
07:46He looks out into a packed church and goes to speak.
07:50We are gathered here today to mourn, but most importantly, to celebrate the life of Joshua.
07:57Oh, no!
07:58Yeah.
07:59You killed yourself in the story.
08:00I kind of wanted to plan my own funeral.
08:02Oh.
08:03What a twist.
08:04Yeah.
08:05So it's your funeral, and what kind of church is this?
08:07It's a vicar, so it's the Church of England.
08:09Okay.
08:09Back in the Church of England.
08:10Yeah.
08:11Because I've just thought vicar was a bit easier to spell than priest.
08:14Sure.
08:14And so we are gathered here today to mourn, but most importantly, to celebrate the life
08:19of Joshua, the first ever person to win an Olympic gold medal for Roly Polies.
08:25Woo!
08:25He started off as a stand-up comedian.
08:30The stand-up circuit is where he met your first act of the evening, supermodel, prime minister,
08:37and the comedian, burlesque performer, Sakisa.
08:41Oh, my God!
08:42You've made me prime minister!
08:43You're a prime minister.
08:44Wow.
08:44Sakisa slowly steps onto the stage, holding on to her walking stick in one hand, and using
08:52the other hand to gesture that the audience cheer louder, but instead they sit and stare
08:57in dead silence, and she thinks to herself, wow, this is going to be a tough gig.
09:03Now in her mid-90s and recently widowed, she's here to celebrate the life of her friend,
09:09but also she's looking for one last ride.
09:12Her warm, kind face looks into the crowd, scanning for eligible totties.
09:20Totties?
09:21I think totties means like people you want to fuck, I think.
09:26Like a tart, maybe?
09:28Totties.
09:28Totties.
09:29People, especially women, regarded collectively as objects of sexual desire, but in this case,
09:34Totties.
09:35Objects of sexual desire.
09:37The group on the table next to us were blatantly checking out the totty.
09:41Yeah.
09:41So, the eligible totties.
09:45Her makeup is beautifully done, always is.
09:49Yeah, you look good.
09:50With bright eyes and a dazzling red lip.
09:53She is wearing a well-fitted black trench coat, accompanied by her signature long red acrylic
10:00nails.
10:02She opens the coat, slowly removing it and places it over the church pulpit.
10:08That's like the stand.
10:09Yeah.
10:09What's underneath?
10:11Yeah.
10:11There's a few gasps and judging faces as Sakisa has revealed she's wearing a tight-fitted
10:18leopard print dress that does not leave much to the imagination.
10:22She's hungry.
10:24For a cop.
10:25For a cop.
10:26Yeah.
10:26Totty cock.
10:28Sakisa's voice cracks into the microphone.
10:31I'm here to speak about Josh Jones, a man that I loved, and I've loved a lot of men.
10:37Sakisa winks at a pallbearer half her age.
10:40The man is wiping a flood of tears from his eyes as he is Josh's eldest son.
10:46Oh, John.
10:47I know.
10:48I just wanted to make it sound like someone cared.
10:52Do you know what I mean?
10:54And you're trying to fuck him.
10:55You're trying to fuck my son, which is really inappropriate, actually.
10:58I can't believe you're doing this.
10:59What?
11:00So it's my funeral.
11:01Yeah.
11:01My son's there, and you want a ride of him.
11:04Or anyone.
11:05A number of eligible toddies in the crowd.
11:08Yeah, there's quite a few.
11:09I think I'm related to quite a few.
11:11Fitties?
11:12Fitties.
11:12Are people in your family currently fit?
11:13I think some of them are quite fit.
11:15Your brother's quite fit.
11:16You fancy my brother, I know.
11:17Go away.
11:19Your brother's quite fit.
11:20Quite a lot of people fancy my brother, but he looks like a straight version of me.
11:25Yeah.
11:25Doesn't he?
11:25He does, actually.
11:26Everyone does call him straight Josh.
11:28Straight Josh.
11:28But he comes to loads of gigs and stuff.
11:30He's really supportive.
11:31Good.
11:32So he knows loads of comedians and stuff.
11:34There was only one that he was like, oh, can I have her number?
11:38And I was like, why have you chose the most mental one?
11:41There's all these nice ones.
11:43You know which one it was.
11:45It was me.
11:45No, but there was one where I'm like, you've literally chose the one who would like cut up
11:49all your clothes.
11:50You'll have to tell me after.
11:51Out of all these nice ones.
11:53That's the one you've gone for.
11:54I was like, no, you cannot have a number.
11:56It's crazy.
11:57She will kill you.
11:58So there were so many things that I loved about Josh.
12:03For example, I love that he was so open-minded and I could tell him anything and he wouldn't
12:09judge me.
12:10Like how I could fit a full fist in my mouth.
12:13Can you?
12:13Don't believe me.
12:14Ask the vicar.
12:18I love that Josh was very kind.
12:21I'm also kind.
12:22Kind of horny.
12:24Josh leaves behind his children who he adopted with his lovely husband, James, because he
12:28is a homosexual.
12:29So we had that in common because I'm a bisexual and ladies, just like my teeth, these nails
12:37can be easily removed.
12:41How is it being bisexual with long nails?
12:45Quite difficult.
12:46I'm not going to lie to you.
12:47Sometimes I have days where they've accidentally popped off.
12:51So those are the days that I'm like, who wants to get lucky?
12:54Well, as long as they're popping off before and not during.
12:57Yeah.
12:57And also they do feel sexy on your skin.
12:59Yeah.
13:00Now I know you stroke my arm quite a lot.
13:02It's lovely.
13:03Yeah.
13:04Yeah.
13:04Okay.
13:05All right.
13:05I would like to make a toast to Josh.
13:08She pulls out a bottle of Prosecco from her bra.
13:12Now let's get this show started.
13:14Whilst Josh is being put into the fire, we have the joy of listening to a live performance.
13:20So please stand up and welcome to the stage, Kelly Clarkson.
13:26It's my funeral.
13:28I can have Kelly Clarkson.
13:29Oh yeah.
13:29She can see anything.
13:30Yeah, she can.
13:31She'll be in a hundredth by then.
13:33But I think she'll still be going.
13:35She'll be going.
13:35I love that this story, Josh, is in no way ageist.
13:39No.
13:39You've got Sakisa in her 90s, divorced and on the prowl.
13:43Oh yeah.
13:44Shit gets freaky.
13:45Yeah.
13:46She's really old, isn't it?
13:48Now, a few hours have passed and what remains of Josh is inside of a penis-shaped urn being
13:54carried around Josh's local pub by his closest friend, Kelly Clarkson.
14:01She's back.
14:02The mood has picked up as people are telling fun stories of Josh and there's a few of Josh's
14:08pensioner friends playing spin the bottle in the car.
14:12Sakisa, a little tipsy at this point, heads over to the bar.
14:16There were no sandwiches in sight because Josh's funeral was being catered for by his local
14:23chipper to celebrate his favourite meal, a chippy tea.
14:27She hears a smooth, familiar voice whisper into her ear, you're a naughty girl, Sakisa.
14:36Sakisa's face all of a sudden is covered in a seductive smirk.
14:41You're a naughty girl for mentioning me in your speech.
14:44She turns to face him.
14:47Vicar, I need to do a confession because I've been a bad, bad girl.
14:52Oh, the vicar.
14:53The vicar.
14:54Yeah.
14:55She starts to plate herself some chips.
15:00Before we get into what happens with the vicar, can you describe for those of us from
15:04the South or indeed Canada, what is the chippy tea exactly?
15:07Is it fish and chips?
15:08Is it the butt tea?
15:09Well, I kind of get into that in the store.
15:13Oh, sorry.
15:13Okay.
15:13Kind of.
15:14Because chippies, so chippies where you get fish and chips, but...
15:17You can get other things.
15:18They do different things.
15:19Okay, I won't spoil it.
15:19And in Manchester, we have different things.
15:21Okay, sorry.
15:22Would you like a bite of my chip, Vicar?
15:24He takes a big gulp.
15:27I would love to, but I'm a northern vicar and those chips look a little dry to me.
15:33They need graver.
15:34It's a bit of an educational thing about chippies, actually.
15:39Sakisa leans her body into the vicar's.
15:42Oh, graver, do you want these chips nice and moist?
15:47Do you want these chips hot and wet?
15:51I don't know why I feel so embarrassed reading this out.
15:54It'd be very salt and vinegar in your 90s, I feel.
15:57I think I'm revealing a lot about myself.
16:00I'm turned on.
16:01I love chips.
16:02Yeah.
16:03So, hot, wet chips.
16:05The vicar looks around the room, worried, hoping no one overhears the conversation.
16:11He slips his index finger in between the skin of his neck and his dog collar.
16:16He is a well-respected man in the community and has been a vicar for nearly seven decades.
16:24He has to resist the urge to take her here and now next to the chippy buffet table.
16:30Trying to change the subject, he asks her,
16:34Without taking a beat, she thrusts her breasts against his chest and whispers in his ear,
16:46Savalai.
16:48I like a big juicy sausage.
16:51He replies,
16:53So, can I just say, by the end of the story, I had had like half a bottle of wine
16:58and reading it back for the first time, I'm like, wow, I was quite pissed, I think.
17:05I did read it.
17:06I wrote it the other night with a glass of wine.
17:08Anyway, he replies,
17:10Oh, wow.
17:12So, what's your favourite thing to order from the chippy?
17:16He nervously answers,
17:19Pudding, chips, peas and graver.
17:21Wait, is that black pudding?
17:24You're kind of about to ask that question in the store.
17:26Oh, it's like I'm living it with real life.
17:28She looks a little confused.
17:31Pudding, she asks.
17:33The vicar happily thinking he successfully dodged a public roll around
17:38on the pub floor between the buffet table and the dance board.
17:43Yeah, it's a steak and kidney pudding.
17:46They do them in chippies up in the knarf.
17:48It's steak and kidney in a suet pastry, so it's steamed.
17:52And Sikisa happy she found a way to bring the conversation back to sex.
17:58Oh, it's steamed.
18:01That sounds hot and sexy.
18:03How did I manage to bring it back down to sex with 20?
18:07You tried, Sikisa.
18:08You started with the big sausage.
18:10I really tried.
18:12I'm so embarrassed.
18:14I really thought this would be quite sexy.
18:16It is sexy, Josh.
18:17It's sexy.
18:18Sexy chippy talk.
18:20His ambition to remain control of his sexual urges starts to slip.
18:25Yeah, it's very hot and steamy.
18:28It's filled with hot and meaty gravy.
18:31And because the pastry is steamed, it's soft and wobbler.
18:35And I like things that are soft and wobbler.
18:38As he says this, he pulls Sikisa towards him and slid his hands down to her buttocks.
18:46Oh, Vika, that does sound good.
18:49I do like meaty gravy.
18:51She pushes her pelvis into the Vika's grind and feels his 80-year-old member pushed against the top of her thigh.
19:01Like, she's pleasantly surprised that he's able to get an unassisted semi.
19:06Yeah.
19:09Unassisted.
19:10Well, yeah, they all need Viagra, but he's so into it that he doesn't need it.
19:14Well, it's me, so why would I need it?
19:16Of course.
19:17With no regards for where they are, the two of them started full-on tonguing.
19:23Josh's eldest son looking at them and says, what the fuck?
19:28Then Josh's daughter puts her hand on her brother's shoulder and says,
19:32don't worry, they shagged last year at our other dad's funeral.
19:37I was thinking about James.
19:40I was wondering if he was alive.
19:42He's a few years older than me, so he's gone before me.
19:46And you did the same at his funeral.
19:48This is just Sikisa at funerals, but she does.
19:51Yeah, just shagging the Vika at the funeral.
19:53She tries to get her meaty pie on the Vika.
19:55Yeah.
19:55So I must just, everyone in my life must die in order for me to shag.
19:59I think it's any event.
20:00You know, you just offer yourself up.
20:02Yeah, you're just trying to get at it.
20:04You're just not deterred by the sadness of, you know, death of a cutie pie.
20:09Yeah.
20:09That was great, Josh.
20:10It was great.
20:11Sikisa, what did you think?
20:12I thought it was quite, it's very gravy filled.
20:15I feel like some of the words were like, some of the things I said is something you would say.
20:20Yeah, I did write it.
20:21Yeah, I was like, Josh would say, I do like a big sausage.
20:26It's so weird because, like, I could tell jokes about sex on stage, but I've never tried to be sexy or write anything sexy.
20:36So I've never, like, trying to write two people having sex.
20:39I was like, what do you say?
20:40And you went with 90-year-olds.
20:43Great.
20:44Talking about a chippy tea and unassisted semis.
20:50All right, Sikisa, would you like to share your story with us next?
20:54The title, please.
20:55The title of this is called The Final Filling.
20:59Oh.
21:01I feel like this is leaning towards chippy teas and pies as well.
21:04Yeah, this seems very pie-oriented.
21:06The sky over Manchester was the colour of morning.
21:11Grey, weeping, inappropriately dramatic.
21:14She was gone.
21:16Sikisa.
21:16Oh, no.
21:17Icon, dominatrix, pie enthusiast.
21:21Her final request?
21:24No sadness, no hymns, and absolutely no soggy bottoms.
21:28Oh.
21:29She wanted tears, tits, and a good pork pie.
21:32Are you getting buried in Manchester?
21:35Yeah.
21:36Oh, that's such an easy commute for me.
21:42Very similar openings, by the way.
21:48So lazy.
21:49Yeah.
21:49Why would you not travel for me?
21:52Oh, okay.
21:53And so the chapel was packed.
21:55Black veils, fake lashes, and the smell of cream pies in the air.
22:01Oh.
22:02A laminated sign read, mourn me, but make it delicious.
22:05A giant photograph of her stood by the front of the chapel, her in thigh-high boots, mirrored
22:13sunglasses, and a crop riding casually on one shoulder.
22:18Very good.
22:19Very good.
22:19Josh Jones stood by the casted in a black crop top under a mesh mourning veil.
22:27His heels clicked on the marble floor.
22:30I've just imagined you in heels.
22:32I've never wore heels on a crop top.
22:35You made me even gayer.
22:37But there is a mandatory dress code for this funeral tour, it sounds like.
22:41It's very high fashion.
22:42I would wear heels for your funeral, if that's what you wanted.
22:45Yeah.
22:47A single tear glittered on his cheek, but didn't fall.
22:51Glittered.
22:51This is gay now.
22:52This is a bit.
22:53It was holding on for dramatic effect.
22:55This tear.
22:57Friends, sluts, lovers of good meat.
23:02He began.
23:04Boys cracking like puff pastry.
23:06It's not a bad idea to open the tour that way.
23:08Friends, sluts.
23:09Sluts.
23:10Lovers of good meat.
23:11Welcome to Josh Jones on tour.
23:13We're gathered here, not just to say goodbye to Sakisa, but to honour her legacy, mostly
23:19her prize and her preference for getting fingered in the conservatory.
23:24What is this referring to?
23:26I like getting fingered in gardens.
23:29Okay.
23:30I like someone who has a garden because I don't have a garden.
23:32So whenever someone has a garden, I'm very much like.
23:34Do you like just a finger though?
23:37I know a guy from where I'm from.
23:40Well, you've got to offer me someone who's got a finger.
23:42I know, but like.
23:43He's got fingers.
23:44He's the same age as me.
23:46He's 32.
23:47And I went to like a friend's birthday a couple of months ago and he was like, oh yeah, I
23:52fingered this girl.
23:53I'm like, is that all you did?
23:54You're 32.
23:55Like, he's still like, yeah, fingering.
23:58Some men like the pleasure they give women.
24:01Yeah.
24:01So they just satisfied in just being able to say, I pleasured the woman by fingering
24:07her.
24:07This wasn't that though.
24:08This was like outside at a football club.
24:11Oh, no.
24:11Yeah.
24:12That's just getting drunk.
24:13But he was still like, I fingered someone.
24:14Yeah.
24:14It's because that's the most he could do in that setting.
24:17Yeah.
24:17Okay.
24:18Josh continued.
24:19All right.
24:21Let's be honest.
24:22She was a nightmare, but a delicious, devastating, whip cracking, no soggy bottoms having iconic
24:29nightmare who judged your pastry and your personality with equal savagery.
24:35At this point, I imagine that I was a pie judge at bakery shows.
24:41Yeah.
24:41You're like a very berry sat.
24:43Yeah.
24:43And I add another job.
24:45Yeah.
24:45To the pile.
24:46Yeah.
24:46I had more jobs to my continuous list.
24:48There were sobs, there was nods, and there was one solemn amen.
24:54She once told me that life was like a pie.
24:57You have to fill it with things that make you moan, things that make you sweat, and if
25:02you're lucky, a bit of cream at the end.
25:05She loved hard, judged harder, and never once apologized for being too much.
25:11She said, if I'm too much, go find less.
25:14And then she stole your man and your last slice of Victoria sponge while walking backwards
25:19in heels.
25:20He smiled, wiping a tear from his eye.
25:23I loved her.
25:25I feared her.
25:26She deserved everything.
25:28I feared you.
25:29Yeah, yeah.
25:29What a nice friendship.
25:33Do you, Fanta Sikisa?
25:34Uh, yeah.
25:36Yeah.
25:37No, that wouldn't be helpful.
25:39But no, it is a bit of, I've never actually seen you mad, really.
25:44No, I don't really get angry, angry.
25:47You're like one of my most grown-up friends.
25:49She signed my passport.
25:51Uh, the room laughed, cried, and one person spontaneously came out.
25:55I was gay.
25:57When they saw Josh walking backwards in that mesh veil.
26:00It was me.
26:01I'm gay.
26:02Still gay.
26:03So today we don't say goodbye, we say baking powder, babe.
26:08He raised his glass of Prosecco, Tisikisa, Queen of Crust, Mother of Judgment, and a total
26:16diva.
26:17Josh dabbed at the corner of his eye with a handkerchief.
26:21One of the pallbearers came over to comfort Josh.
26:24His name was Callum.
26:26He looked up at Josh.
26:28His eyes glistened with something more than grief.
26:31Regret?
26:32Lust?
26:34Custard-related trauma?
26:36Passion?
26:36All of the above.
26:39After the service, the funeral moved to the buffet, which included a spread of pies in
26:45Sikisa's honour, handmade by Josh.
26:47Yeah.
26:48I do make really good pies.
26:50You don't?
26:51Yeah, I'm a really good baker.
26:52Do you make the...
26:53Pastry.
26:54The pastry.
26:55I think if Josh wasn't a comedian, he'll be having his own shops that was just pies.
27:00Wow.
27:01I have actually been thinking about that, about opening a shop.
27:05Yeah, you could.
27:05But I'd have to quit comedy, but I don't know.
27:08You don't have to quit comedy.
27:09Well, doing too...
27:10I don't want to do...
27:11I'm not you.
27:11I don't want to do too much.
27:12No, Sikisa's the only one who can juggle all those jokes.
27:14Yeah, I don't want to spread myself too thin.
27:16I think you might be about to spread yourself.
27:18Yeah.
27:18Pretty thin in this tale.
27:19He had made her favourite pies, which were steak and kidney, curry chicken, and deep-filled
27:25Victoria sponge.
27:26And whipped cream was everywhere.
27:29A carved ice sculpture next to the table poured warm gravy for those who wanted it to get
27:36a little moist.
27:38I don't know how that would really work, but I think it'd be quite cool if this warm gravy
27:42was coming out of an ice sculpture.
27:44Of course.
27:44That'd be great.
27:45Like a gravy fountain.
27:46Josh stood by the pies, sipping Prosecco.
27:49Callum appeared beside him, holding on to a funeral programme.
27:54I really liked your eulogy, he said.
27:56Low voice.
27:57Real raw.
27:59Josh looked up, eyeing him with intent.
28:02So was Sikisa's last video.
28:05But thank you.
28:06Callum chuckled.
28:07You always disemotional at funerals?
28:10Only when the meat's still warm.
28:12They locked eyes.
28:13The tension could have caramelised sugar.
28:17Then Callum, slow and sure, picked up a piece of pork pie and held it to Josh's lips.
28:23That would genuinely be on my knees.
28:26If someone gave me a pork pie, I would literally gobble, gobble.
28:29I'm ready to go.
28:31This is going to get so sexy.
28:33Oh, good.
28:34And if anything, it's going to get a bit too graphic.
28:37Great.
28:38I'm on edge.
28:39Want a bite?
28:40Josh opened his mouth.
28:41Eyes still on Callum's, lips grazing fingers.
28:46I feel like I'm being objectified.
28:48You are.
28:49Mmm, he moaned.
28:50Tastes like regret and gravy.
28:54They moved, almost wordlessly, into the back room of the parish hall, where the food had been prepared.
29:02The door clicked shut.
29:04Josh pushed Callum against it, kissed him hard.
29:07The kiss was wet and messy.
29:10Hands slid under tops.
29:12Clothes were getting ripped off.
29:14Somewhere, him started faintly in the next room, muffled by moaning.
29:20Josh pushed Callum away and stood behind the prep table in the church kitchen.
29:25Legs spread slightly.
29:27Hands braced behind him.
29:29Veil half off.
29:30Eyes wide.
29:31Forgot, I had a veil, lad.
29:33Yes.
29:34The mash.
29:34The mash veil.
29:35Poor bearer Callum had already stripped off and unbuttoned his shirt.
29:41His chest glistened faintly from sweat with divine purpose.
29:45Oh.
29:46You sure this is what she wanted?
29:48Josh asked, breathless.
29:50Callum picked up a mini pork pie from his pocket, took a bite, then leaned forward and kissed the crumbs off Josh's lips.
29:59I would love that.
30:00She wanted pleasure, celebration, and for you to stop being a fucking tease.
30:08Josh didn't respond, just stared at Callum seductively.
30:13Callum dropped to his knees, unzipping slowly Josh's trousers, kissing the trail of skin revealed.
30:20Oh my God.
30:22It's got to get filthy, I'm so sorry.
30:24I feel like I'm having an affair.
30:27It's pretty hot.
30:28He pulled Josh free.
30:32He pulled Josh free, like took his dick out.
30:34Oh, he'll get you a witch out.
30:36Yeah, he'll get you a witch out.
30:36Oh my God.
30:38He pulled Josh free, whipped him like a whipped cream off a spoon.
30:42Slow and filthy.
30:44Josh groaned.
30:45Hands in Callum's hair.
30:47Legs trembling.
30:49Callum stood.
30:50Turned Josh.
30:51Bent him over the table.
30:52Cheap pressed to a cold steel.
30:57Breadcrumbs under his fingers.
31:00He yanked the trousers down from Josh, exposing him completely.
31:05Grabbing a jug from the counter and poured warm custard down his spine.
31:10I hope I do.
31:11I hope I do.
31:11I hope I do.
31:12This is about, I hope I do should do me fibre pills.
31:16This seems a bit.
31:17That's what Josh says face down the table.
31:18I hope I do.
31:21Watching the custard drip down the curve of his arse.
31:24Oh my gosh.
31:26Messy Callum growled.
31:27Pushing in.
31:29Slow.
31:30Deep.
31:31What?
31:32He put his willy in?
31:33Yeah.
31:34No foreplay.
31:35Just straight in.
31:36The custard was the foreplay.
31:37The pork pie was the foreplay.
31:38He did suck you off for a bit as well.
31:40There's lots of sexy people at my parties, as you know.
31:43Yeah.
31:44You know you're probably going to get some.
31:46Yeah.
31:46So you did douche.
31:47And you did take your fibre pills.
31:49All right, good.
31:50Oh, I can't believe we're talking about this on a podcast.
31:52This is normally just us on a Friday night.
31:54It's just a glass of wine.
31:56We're so happy that you're sharing it.
31:57Okay, we've pushed in slow, deep.
32:00Callum has, into Josh.
32:04Look at your face.
32:05Is that your face?
32:06Ow.
32:07Josh gasped, gripping the edge as Callum fucked him with long punishing thrusts.
32:15My gosh.
32:17With wet slaps of bodies echoing through the kitchen.
32:21You feel like fucking heaven, Callum.
32:24In a church?
32:26Callum said, Josh moaned, then ruined me like,
32:30Oh, my gosh.
32:33Callum gripped Josh's hips tight, dragging him back to meet every thrust.
32:41Skin slapping against skin, the rhythm filthy and relentless.
32:46Josh was a mess.
32:48Gasped turning to cries.
32:50Legs shaking.
32:51Eyes fluttering closed.
32:53Wow.
32:53I went deep.
32:54Oh, yeah.
32:55I went deep.
32:55So did Callum.
32:56So did Callum, yeah.
32:58You like being used like this?
33:00Callum hissed, leaning down to bite Josh's shoulder.
33:04Josh whimpered, voice wrecked.
33:07Yes.
33:08Fuck.
33:09Don't stop.
33:11Wow.
33:11Callum reached around, his hands wrapping around Josh's cock, stroking in time with every
33:18deep, unforgiving thrust.
33:21Do you know what?
33:21That's quite hard to do the thrusting and the stroking on the same rhythm.
33:25Yeah.
33:26Well, fair play.
33:27Callum's got some skills.
33:29He's got really long arms.
33:30He's got long arms.
33:31Yeah.
33:32He's got long arms.
33:32You're really good at knowing how to do gay sex, Kisa.
33:36Josh has told me.
33:37Okay.
33:38I've never, I've not told you any of this stuff, you filthy bitch.
33:42I don't know where any of this has come from.
33:43Josh's advice stopped in the pork pie.
33:47Josh came undone.
33:49Loud, filthy, glorious, spilling across the table, just as Callum came with a growl,
33:56teeth sinking into Josh's shoulder, both of them shaking as the kitchen swirled with
34:01sugar, sweat, and unholiness.
34:03I'm actually quite warming in.
34:05Yeah, yeah.
34:06You're welcome.
34:07Blushing.
34:08You're welcome.
34:09Afterwards, Josh lay draped across a white linen tablecloth, covered in pastry flakes
34:15and love bites.
34:17Callum's shirtless and glowing like the second coming laid beside him.
34:23I think we've honoured her memory.
34:26Josh murmured.
34:27Yeah.
34:28Callum kissed.
34:30Shut up.
34:31I think we've honoured her memory.
34:33Callum kissed his cheek, voiced like velvet thunder.
34:38She would haunt us if we didn't.
34:41Definitely no soggy bottoms hair, Josh said, as he smiled with afterglow.
34:46Oh, wow.
34:48That was very saucy.
34:52I think there's one soggy bottom.
34:53Yeah.
34:54At least.
34:55Yeah, full of custard.
34:56That was, yeah, that was, that was quite intense.
34:59That was a lot.
35:01That was great.
35:02I think, you know, you're in a monogamous, very domesticated relationship now.
35:06Maybe this is the shot in the arm that you needed.
35:09Yeah, I'm going to get him to pretend he's called Callum and put some custard on me arse,
35:13though.
35:14Yeah.
35:14Is there a local church in your posh, Bosco?
35:17We'll just go to the church up the road and put some, never mind me, just putting custard on me arse.
35:23I actually feel like you should, like, branch out and be more adventurous and maybe get some gravy or some custard all over you.
35:30I've never, I've never actually done the food.
35:33Do the food!
35:34Someone tried to put whipped cream on me and I was just like, that's too much.
35:38Just imagine it, just you bent over, just gravy, just pouring down your back.
35:42It'd burn.
35:42It'd really burn.
35:44Not hot gravy.
35:46I don't want cold gravy.
35:47You want warm gravy.
35:48Yeah.
35:49What was your favourite part of that very raunchy tale?
35:53I think I was just a bit, like, in shock.
35:56Yeah.
35:56It was, I didn't think you were going to go that filthy.
35:59No, no.
36:00You really went for it.
36:01But I'm glad I got a blowjob.
36:03Yes.
36:04And also bum stuff.
36:06Kind of hit both ends.
36:07Yeah, I wanted you to be satisfied in this scenario.
36:11Yeah.
36:12And I didn't have to give him a blowjob.
36:14No, you didn't.
36:15Got a night off, really.
36:16It was exciting.
36:18You're being dominated by Callum.
36:20And you can tell, Sakisa, that you just have a library of knowledge when it comes to erotic fiction.
36:26And you've definitely watched gay porn.
36:28Josh and Sakisa, I loved both of your dirty stories so much.
36:36Josh, I really appreciated that Death of a Cutie Pie had a star cameo appearance from Kelly Clarkson.
36:43Yes.
36:43One of my favourite entertainers and yours.
36:45She's amazing.
36:46I appreciate that you took some creative freedom with the sandwich buffet and you did a chippy tea.
36:54And along the way, I got to learn about chippy tea.
36:57Yeah.
36:58I really love the way you portrayed Sakisa at her funeral.
37:01It felt like the loving writing of a friend.
37:05Like, that is a very high status woman, prime minister, multitasker, comedy queen.
37:12Also, elderly.
37:14Yeah.
37:15And still fucking.
37:16Yeah.
37:17She was in her 90s.
37:18We don't know how old because she's never told anyone a real age.
37:21Fine.
37:21Which is true, actually.
37:22And she won't tell.
37:23I know it because she signed me a passport.
37:26Sakisa, your story was really, really on the mark with what I'm really looking for in this library,
37:33which is filth, intrigue, sex, tension, pleasure, release.
37:39I can tell that you have read a lot of this erotica before.
37:46You just have your own wealth of knowledge on the subject.
37:49You used so many literary devices that I can't even remember.
37:53Something about rhythmic thrusting.
37:56I liked when Josh was sent to heaven and then pulled back into sin.
38:00I really loved all the pie imagery.
38:03Both of you had wetness and gravy and mixing of, like, food and cock.
38:09The winner of the Write Me Dirty pen, who gains a place of privilege for their story to go in my sensual bookshelf,
38:21is The Final Filling by Sakisa.
38:28Congratulations.
38:30Oh, thank you.
38:31And that's chiefly because I think you took the most risks today.
38:36Anything else that you would like to say as the winner, Sakisa?
38:39I just want to thank everyone who has helped me to be filthy.
38:43And I will carry on being filthy and seek my inspiration from my fellow colleague, Josh Jones,
38:51and carry on drinking gravy from people's dicks.
38:54Thank you so much to my guests today, Josh Jones and Sakisa.
39:03Hearing Sakisa's story brought my funeral fantasies to life.
39:06The moment that Josh and Sakisa left, the winning book went to print and I popped it on my thick shelf.
39:12And for those at home, if this has inspired you to write your own dirty story,
39:17I'll leave you with this raging tip.
39:19If you're writing a tragedy, it will often end in death, but surprise the reader and use your own life
39:30to come up with something much more tragic.
39:32Like when you thought your therapist wanted to befriend you because she shared a discount code for a recipe box.
39:38That's all from me.
39:39Until next time, when two more guests will join me to write me dirty.
39:43Father, I couldn't be true and come true.
39:56This silk.
39:58I'd really love to fondle your rosary beads.
40:01You wouldn't like getting them out.
40:03I can tell you to hail Mary.
40:06Full of grace.
40:08The Lord is with thee.
40:09Christ.
40:13Christ.
40:14Fordo.
40:15The Lord is with thee.
40:16Christ.
40:17Ofoni.
40:17His name.
40:19There is my Lord is with thee.
40:19Christ.
40:20Fordo.
40:22The Lord is with thee.
40:22As we still be, it isÍ a following of his strength.
40:26The Lord is with thee.
40:31Mindfulness.
40:31The Lord is with thee.
40:34Ah.
40:34How will he?
40:34You?
40:35I pray.
40:36How will he be between the Lord?
40:37The Lord is with thee.
40:38You?
40:39The Lord is with thee.
40:40Let him know.
40:40I pray.
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