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Jim Jefferies and Friends Season 1 Episode 2
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00:00Buckle up, because it's time for Jim Jefferies and Friends.
00:04Starring Ireland's Jim Owen, Amos Gill, Renee Percy and Yvonne Aristageddon.
00:13Now, give it up for Jim Jefferies!
00:22Hello, hello.
00:24Ah, very exciting to be here.
00:26Now, I do a little bit of acting, I mostly do comedies and stuff like that.
00:30Now, I'm going to tell you a story that happened over COVID.
00:33Okay, so during COVID, my wife gets pregnant, right?
00:36That's got nothing to do with acting, you know, regular way.
00:42Came in my hand and chucked it at her.
00:49Anyway, so my wife gets pregnant, right?
00:51So we're quarantining together, my wife's pregnant.
00:54We're just living in the house, living our lives, right?
00:58And I get a phone call from Rob Schneider.
01:00Now, this is at the height of COVID.
01:02This is back with the original, the OG COVID.
01:05You know the one that would kill you?
01:08The one where you're on a ventilator and there was doctors standing around you like this?
01:12That COVID, remember that?
01:15That COVID would kill you.
01:17And then Delta came along and Delta could fuck you up.
01:20But I think it's safe to say, if you died from Omnicrom, you're a pussy.
01:25Anyway.
01:26So my wife's pregnant, we're trying to, you know, keep her safe from the COVID.
01:35We're in the house.
01:36I get a phone call from Rob Schneider.
01:37Now you all know who Rob Schneider is.
01:39Rob Schneider's Deuce Bigelow, the hot chick.
01:42He's been in all the Adam Sandler movies.
01:44You can do it.
01:45Someone wants to yell it out, right?
01:46That's, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:48Yeah.
01:49When I bring it up, it's irritating.
01:51His life must be hell.
01:53Anyway.
01:54So Rob brings me up and he's writing a movie with a very funny Australian comic called Monty Franklin
01:59and it's set about the Emu War that happened in Western Australia.
02:03If you know about this, there was a whole lot of Emus and the Australian army was sent in
02:08and they lost the war.
02:10Anyway.
02:13So they're making a movie about that.
02:14So Rob Schneider and Monty Franklin are writing this movie about that.
02:18They'd already cast in the movie John Cleese.
02:21Now I have to mention that John Cleese is a personal hero of mine.
02:25That John Cleese has been making me laugh since I was about six years old, right until now.
02:31There's not many people who can do that.
02:34I remember John Cleese being a bit of connective tissue between me and my parents.
02:39You know, we'd be watching the TV, watching the life of Brian,
02:43and we'd be laughing at the same things.
02:45And there wasn't many things that did that.
02:47I love John Cleese.
02:49And Rob Schneider also loves John Cleese and he had cast John in this movie.
02:53And John had read the script and he had decided that he wanted to rewrite the script, right?
02:58Now John Cleese is an Oscar nominated writer.
03:01If he asked to rewrite your script, you fucking let him.
03:04So John Cleese and Rob Schneider and Monty Franklin all decide to get an Airbnb in Phoenix, Arizona, right?
03:16Rob believes in more freedoms.
03:18They didn't have a mask mandate there.
03:19It's a whole thing.
03:20Anyway, so they move out to Phoenix, Arizona and they're in an Airbnb and that's who are quarantining during COVID.
03:27They ring me up and say, hey, do you want to help out with the script?
03:30Come and write with us for a bit.
03:31And I'm like, I don't want to go out to Phoenix.
03:34And then Rob goes, John Cleese is here.
03:36And I'm like, I want to fucking live with John Cleese.
03:39Of course I want to live with John Cleese.
03:41But here's the problem.
03:42My wife's pregnant.
03:43She's scared.
03:44If she gets COVID, what happens to the baby?
03:47She's all worried.
03:48If I leave, she'll be all by herself.
03:51So I had to be very tactful about this.
03:53So I walked up to my wife and I said, honey, I've got to go.
03:58And then I drove off to Phoenix.
04:04I drove off six hours out to Phoenix.
04:08I get out there.
04:11I get out there and we all lived together in this house.
04:14And every day was the same.
04:16We'd wake up in the morning and have a great big full English breakfast.
04:20John loves food, man.
04:21This full English breakfast was great.
04:23We'd eat that.
04:24Then we'd write for a few hours.
04:26Then we'd have a swim in the pool.
04:28Me, Basil Fawlty and Deuce Bigelow.
04:34Sitting around splashing each other.
04:37Then we would have lunch.
04:41Then John, who was 82 at the time, would have what he calls a naff.
04:46Right?
04:47Then we'd see John again at 6pm.
04:49Right?
04:50And at 6pm we'd have dinner and he would tell us these wonderful stories
04:54about Eric Idle and Michael Palin and all the wonderful stories.
04:59Then we would finish the evening by doing a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle
05:04of a Hungarian castle that John thinks he may have performed in once.
05:13Now this went on for a while.
05:15A few days later, sadly, Rob Schneider's mother passes away.
05:19So Rob has to go off to San Francisco for his mother's funeral.
05:22So now me and John are just kicking around the house, eating big breakfast, swimming in pools,
05:28doing jigsaw puzzles of Hungarian castles.
05:31Cut to about a week later, my wife says, can you come home?
05:35And I'm like, okay.
05:37So I go up in the morning, I go by myself, I go get a COVID test because I go home
05:41and then I go and buy a bottle of wine to give to John as a thank you.
05:46And I walk into the house and John's standing there and I give it to him
05:50and I had a little speech prepared.
05:52And I said, John, this is a little token of my appreciation.
05:55Thank you so much for letting me live with you for the last couple of weeks.
06:01Writing jokes with you is a dream come true and has been a real joy in my life, sir.
06:08And he looked at me and he said,
06:10Becoming friends with you has been a great joy in my life.
06:17How about we finish that jigsaw?
06:25Now, I had no plane to catch.
06:27I was driving home.
06:28I'm like, fuck it.
06:29Yeah, let's finish this fucking jigsaw.
06:32So we're sitting there doing the jigsaw.
06:34John is now telling me how he wrote the dead parrot sketch.
06:39Him and Chapman wrote the sketch where they came up with it.
06:42The whole sketch has ADR,
06:44which means they recorded the voice over the top.
06:46Because if you look in this sketch,
06:47there's a fish tank with a little filter bubbling.
06:50And he's like this,
06:51because silence is the canvas where laughter is painted upon.
06:56And I'm like,
07:00I'm having a most pretentious comedy conversation with my hero.
07:04I remember thinking to myself,
07:06these moments don't happen all the time.
07:11Remember this.
07:12And then I get a text on my phone.
07:14I pull my phone out and it says,
07:16you have COVID.
07:17And I'm sitting across from my 82 year old unvaccinated hero.
07:28And I sat there for about seven minutes and said and did nothing.
07:44Like, remember that moment that George Bush found out about 9-11?
07:49And he was sitting in front of those kids and that person just whispered in his ears.
07:56And he was like.
08:02So eventually after a while,
08:03I thought I have to do something.
08:05So I had a mask hanging around my neck.
08:07So I put it gingerly up over me face.
08:10Cause I thought maybe I could still stop it.
08:19And then I just said,
08:20John,
08:22I have COVID.
08:24Now John's basically deaf.
08:25And if he can't see my lips move,
08:28he didn't know what the fuck I was saying.
08:31And he landed and he went,
08:32what?
08:34And I said,
08:35I'm so sorry, John.
08:36I don't know how this happened.
08:37I've been with you the whole time.
08:38I don't know where I could have gotten COVID.
08:41And he stood up and he came towards me.
08:43And he was like this.
08:45What?
08:47What?
08:49And I was like,
08:50no, John, no.
08:54Save yourself.
08:57But he kept coming.
08:58What?
08:59What?
09:05So I just collected all my shit.
09:07And I just ran out of the house and I got to the door.
09:10And I'm not religious,
09:11but I said,
09:12Godspeed,
09:13John.
09:15And then I got in my car and I rang my wife up and I was sitting there panicking.
09:20And I rang her up and I said,
09:22my wife's name's Taisy.
09:23I didn't name her.
09:28Anyway,
09:29so I'm sitting there and I rang up Taisy and I went, Taisy.
09:35I went Taisy.
09:37I said,
09:38I have COVID.
09:40And my wife went,
09:41Oh my God,
09:42the baby.
09:44The baby.
09:47And I said,
09:48fuck the baby.
09:50I've just killed John Cleese.
10:03And my wife,
10:04who is British and married to a comedian said,
10:08Who is John Cleese again?
10:09I never would have married her.
10:13Still to come.
10:15Amos Gill,
10:16Renee Percy,
10:17Yvonne Aristageddon
10:19and Jim Owen.
10:21Part of it,
10:22I don't enjoy doing stand up.
10:23Part of it,
10:24checking into hotels.
10:25They're very two faced.
10:26Like when you check in,
10:27they couldn't do enough for you.
10:28Can we show you to your room?
10:29Can we help you with your bag?
10:30And then you wake up in the morning and they're like,
10:32get out.
10:34Don't go away.
10:35This is Jim Jeffries and friends.
10:46Look, this is very rare.
10:47You get to introduce someone who you look up to as much as I look up to this man.
10:52I have been watching him do stand up comedy on Australian TV since before I was ever a comedian.
11:00He makes me laugh just as much now as he did then.
11:03Ladies and gentlemen,
11:04I want you to go crazy.
11:05It's Jim Owen.
11:16Right.
11:20Won't be trying that again.
11:24It's nice to be,
11:25you know,
11:26on tour sometimes.
11:27Parts of it,
11:28I don't enjoy doing stand up.
11:30Parts of it,
11:31checking into hotels.
11:32You know,
11:33like it sounds good,
11:34but it gets a bit tedious after a while.
11:36Because they're very two faced.
11:37You know,
11:38like when you check in,
11:39they couldn't do enough for you.
11:40Can we show you to your room?
11:41Can we help you with your bags?
11:43Then you go out for the evening
11:44and you come back
11:45and they've folded the sheets back
11:46and put a lovely little chocolate on the side of the bed.
11:48And you're like,
11:49and then you wake up in the morning
11:52and they're like,
11:53get out.
11:54What are you talking about?
11:55Just get in.
11:56Fucking get out.
12:00You know,
12:01when you get into the lift thing,
12:02you know,
12:03you're tired.
12:04You ever get into the lift
12:05and you press the floor you want to go to
12:06and then someone gets into the lift with you
12:07and they press another floor below your floor
12:09and you're looking at the back of their head
12:11going,
12:12I'm not always like that.
12:17Sometimes,
12:18you know,
12:19it's just you and a young girl
12:20in a lift together
12:21and it can be quite intimidating
12:22as an older man
12:23with you and a younger girl in the lift
12:25and I always try and make them feel at ease.
12:27I give them skinny lips
12:29just to make them feel at ease.
12:30I do this,
12:31I go...
12:32You don't want to be doing big lips in the lift,
12:45do you know?
12:46I do skinny lips a lot,
12:58it's my go-to face,
13:00you know,
13:01passing someone in the corridor,
13:02it's kind of skinny,
13:03give them skinny lips.
13:07Sometimes I go to the reception at a hotel
13:09and there's no one at reception,
13:10there's a little bell,
13:11you know,
13:12I ring the bell,
13:13you know,
13:14but I feel bad for summoning somebody.
13:17So I ring the bell
13:18and then I turn around
13:19and do skinny lips to anyone in the lobby.
13:20Bing!
13:29One time I went up to the hotel room
13:30and there was no toilet paper
13:32in the hotel room
13:33so I had to go back down to the reception
13:34and say to the girl,
13:35there's no toilet paper in the room
13:37and the girl at reception
13:38reached onto the counter,
13:39grabbed a roll of toilet paper,
13:40handed it to me
13:42and we both did skinny lips together.
13:50It was a nice moment.
13:55It's good to hear people coughing again too,
13:57isn't it?
14:00Not that long ago
14:01we'd been running to the hills
14:02if someone had coughed.
14:03Now we're back coughing and spluttering
14:05like the good old day.
14:06Do you remember when the pandemic started
14:09and you were close to people
14:10and you felt like you were going to sneeze
14:12and you'd try and catch it early
14:14where it would implode in your head?
14:18Because,
14:19because the sneeze you do at home
14:21is different from the sneeze you do when you're out.
14:24When you sneeze at home,
14:25that's like an exorcism, isn't it?
14:27That's like,
14:28I'm trying to figure out!
14:33Other people in the family aren't expecting it.
14:36But when you're out
14:37and you catch it early
14:38where it blows.
14:39It's like when you burp.
14:40When you burp at home
14:41you just go for it.
14:42But when you burp,
14:43when you're out
14:44you break the burp up into two bits.
14:46Where you catch a bad air
14:47in the back of your throat
14:48and then the second bit
14:49you blow it out
14:50and you go,
14:51Sneezing's the same,
14:57but you still burp
14:58and you still sneeze.
15:00Have you ever sneezed with your mouth full?
15:05Happened to me once.
15:07I was on a first date.
15:10No, it gets worse.
15:13It gets worse.
15:15I had the shits.
15:19No, it gets worse.
15:22I was in a standing 69er.
15:29No, it gets worse.
15:34I realised I wasn't gay.
15:40No, it gets worse.
15:43The parents arrived home
15:46and we fell down the stairs.
15:48But luckily
15:49we were in a standing 69er
15:51so it was just feet
15:52the whole way down the stairs.
15:57And I landed the right way up.
16:00But my brother wasn't happy.
16:02No!
16:03No!
16:05These are jokes.
16:11I sometimes talk to the audience as well,
16:12by the way,
16:13just to let people know
16:14that I've got that skill.
16:15I can ad-lib
16:16with the best.
16:17What's your name, love?
16:18Susie.
16:19Susie.
16:20Susie.
16:21And who are you with tonight?
16:22Uh, Michael.
16:23And?
16:24Sam.
16:25And you're from here, Melbourne?
16:26No, we're from England.
16:27England?
16:28You're from England?
16:29Oh, right.
16:31Right.
16:32What the hell?
16:34What the hell?
16:37Could've gone anywhere.
16:40No, there's another thing
16:41I want to tell you about.
16:42Like,
16:43I've got a new pair of underpants, right?
16:46And, um,
16:47do you ever have a crack
16:48at putting your underpants on
16:49but you're not quite awake
16:51and you've just had a stab at it
16:52and you haven't really thought it through
16:55and you've caught big toe
16:56in the front of the underpants
16:58and then you have a little bit
16:59of the dance with.
17:01And then you've got to go down
17:02with the underpants.
17:07And then you're having words to yourself
17:08going,
17:09get your game face on here.
17:10What are you fucking doing?
17:11Putting your underpants on.
17:12Think about this.
17:14Right, you've got to be up on one leg,
17:16right?
17:17So you're going to counter lever,
17:18you know,
17:19and, you know,
17:20maybe the next time you do it,
17:21do it up against the wall
17:22so if you do fall over
17:23you can go into the wall.
17:25I suppose the last time,
17:26top of the stairs.
17:31And you're looking at the hole
17:32and you're feeling,
17:33you know,
17:34a couple of fake stabs at it.
17:41Because you don't want to catch big toe
17:42on the front of your underpants
17:44because big toe's the enemy.
17:46Big toe is your friend
17:47at night when you're taking your shoes off.
17:52Taking your trousers off.
17:53But in the morning,
17:55big toe's your enemy,
17:56right?
17:59Big toe's the only toe that works,
18:00by the way.
18:01All the rest of them are just
18:02de-evolving, aren't they?
18:04Like, big toe's the only toe
18:05that moves, right?
18:06If you move your toes,
18:07that's the only one that moves.
18:08The rest of them are just going,
18:09what's going on?
18:13Except for little toe,
18:14little toe doesn't even bother moving.
18:16He's just lying there thinking,
18:17what's the point?
18:19I'm not even going to the market.
18:30I remember seeing my father's little toe
18:32as a kid thinking,
18:33you know,
18:34what happened to that?
18:36Oh my God, are you in pain?
18:39But now my little toe's the same.
18:40It's like upside down.
18:41It's like sideways.
18:42You can't even see it.
18:43The one next to it's lying on top of it.
18:53I have trouble with socks as well,
18:55but I have good socks.
18:56You know, like,
18:57you know when you open the sock drawer
18:59and you've just done a wash
19:00and there's loads of socks
19:01and you're like,
19:02which ones will I have to do?
19:06But then there's other times
19:07you open the sock drawer
19:08and there's no socks left,
19:09you know,
19:10except for that one pair of socks
19:11that you've had all your life
19:13and you're trying not even to look at them.
19:17And then you pick them up
19:18and you go,
19:19I hate these socks.
19:20Oh my God,
19:21not these socks.
19:23We have a chair opposite the bed.
19:24They have to, like,
19:25I sit on
19:26so I can get my foot on
19:27to put those socks on.
19:28Like,
19:29I just fight with the sock
19:30the whole way.
19:31Like,
19:32I've got a bad head on.
19:33I fucking hate these socks.
19:34These are freaking worse socks.
19:36My leg up.
19:37You know,
19:38my wife's ever in bed
19:39and I'm putting those socks on.
19:40She says the same thing to me every time.
19:42The freaking same thing.
19:44Like a broken record.
19:45Um,
19:46can you put your underpants on first?
19:54I put my socks on first
19:55and then my underpants.
19:57Not a good look,
19:58but it does take big toe out of the equation.
20:00Thank you very much.
20:02Good day.
20:08Don't go away.
20:09After the break,
20:10more of Jim
20:11and his mates.
20:13I broke because I took my
20:14superannuation out.
20:15Anyone else make that call?
20:17I didn't really understand
20:18compound interest,
20:19so I took it out
20:20and put it into a self-managed
20:21super fund called Sportsbet.
20:30This next comedian travels around the world with me.
20:36I'm pretty sure he's going to be
20:37one of the most famous Australian comics
20:39that has ever lived.
20:41Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
20:42please welcome to the stage
20:44Mr. Amos Gill.
20:52G'day everybody.
20:53How you doing?
20:54Give it up for Jim Jefferies.
20:55Come on.
20:56Come on.
21:01So I'm broke.
21:03Anyone else broke?
21:05I don't think this gig's going to
21:06fucking help me either.
21:08I don't think I'll get much
21:09government money after this.
21:12I'm broke because I took my
21:13superannuation out.
21:14Anyone else make that call?
21:16Remember when the government
21:17in COVID said you could access
21:18your super early?
21:20I didn't really understand
21:21compound interest,
21:22so I, uh,
21:23I took it out and put it into
21:24a self-managed super fund
21:25called Sportsbet.
21:26And, uh,
21:29I'm not doing well.
21:30I am lucky though,
21:31because my mum
21:32has got a new boyfriend
21:33and he's rich.
21:34We like that.
21:35His name's Wayne.
21:36He owns a gold mine
21:37in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia.
21:39He owns the mine.
21:40He owns the whole mine.
21:42That's why the relationship
21:43works out with my mum,
21:44because they've got the same job.
21:45They both dig for gold
21:46and...
21:48They really understand each other.
21:50I went to go meet him for the first time
21:51and he's got a yacht
21:52and I saw his yacht in the harbour
21:54and I deleted my real dad's phone number.
21:58I was like,
21:59I don't need this loser
22:00from the Riverland
22:01holding me back anymore.
22:02I got a new dad called Wayne.
22:05I went out on their little trip together.
22:06They had like a honeymoon.
22:07It was me, mum and Wayne.
22:10They had a lot of sex.
22:12I loved it.
22:14Every time I heard him come,
22:15I felt a little more financially secure.
22:19I was rocking the boat for them like,
22:21go mum, go!
22:23Save this family!
22:25I wanted him to come so hard,
22:26he had a heart attack.
22:29And I'd walk in the cabin
22:30and look at his lifeless body
22:32and go, I am the captain now.
22:37So how are we all feeling about the world?
22:39We ready for World War 3?
22:41Yeah?
22:42That's exciting, isn't it?
22:44How do you think we'll go?
22:46Not sure we'll win the next one.
22:47I wouldn't have us on my multi.
22:50My generation has to fight it.
22:53We don't look like Anzacs, do we?
22:55You ever see these fat little fuckers
22:56on the scooters and vapes?
22:59I don't stare at them and think,
23:00you'll end up on a commemorative coin.
23:04My generation,
23:05we're not brave or tough.
23:06We hear Kokoda
23:07and we're like,
23:08is that a coffee shop?
23:09Where's that at?
23:11Gallipoli?
23:12I'm in the hottest 100 they slap.
23:15We're not brave at all.
23:16I was in a coffee shop
23:17and I heard this in Melbourne.
23:18This girl goes,
23:19this week at work,
23:20I am not wearing any makeup to work.
23:23And her friend goes,
23:24you're so brave.
23:27I thought we're fucked here.
23:30That's what bravery is today,
23:31wearing no makeup.
23:32Have you got makeup up?
23:33Yeah, you got it on?
23:34Yeah.
23:35Fucking coward.
23:36That's what's brave today.
23:39You know what bravery was back in the day?
23:41Yeah.
23:42Back in the day,
23:43the 1940s,
23:44bravery was those young men
23:45that jumped into boats
23:46and crossed the English Channel.
23:47Remember those men?
23:48And the Stuka dive bombers?
23:50Bombing them,
23:51boats blowing up everywhere.
23:52They get on the beach.
23:55Their friends are getting shot,
23:56but they march forward
23:57because they believed in brotherhood
23:58and country
23:59and self-sacrifice.
24:00Those boys were brave.
24:01And you know why they were brave?
24:03None of them had makeup on.
24:06Must have been fucking intimidating.
24:08It's the worst day of your life
24:09and you don't have your face on.
24:11They're like,
24:12have we got any fucking concealer back there?
24:14I've got a pimple
24:15and the History Channel's here.
24:20I think we're going to lose the war,
24:21but I'm okay with that.
24:22We don't have the dog in us,
24:24but we will be good refugees.
24:27Aussies will be the best refugees
24:29the world has ever seen.
24:30It's everything that we enjoy.
24:32It's boating and camping.
24:36China and Russia will think
24:37they'll break our spirits
24:38and we're just wandering around going,
24:40boating, camping, fishing,
24:41it's BCF and fun.
24:45They'll put us into a tent city
24:46and all the millennials will be like,
24:48I finally got a house.
24:51You give it one week
24:52and that fucking camp
24:53will be a music festival.
24:56And if we have to flee
24:57and we're on boats,
24:58even if they sink us,
25:00they won't break us.
25:01These other countries,
25:02they drown at sea,
25:03not us.
25:04We'll be there for three days
25:05treading water like,
25:06mate, I did nippers.
25:10That's why I think,
25:11if we want to be okay,
25:12let's just get on the front foot
25:13with China right now
25:14and cut a deal.
25:15We'll go up to the Chinese,
25:17we'll go to President Xi
25:18and we'll say, look,
25:20you can have Australia,
25:21you've already got Melbourne.
25:27Just give us one street
25:29in every Chinese city as a trade.
25:31Give us Aussie town.
25:34One district of all the Aussie shit
25:35crammed into it.
25:36That's a good bargain.
25:37That's a good bargain.
25:38Just one long road
25:39of pub tabs,
25:40kinos,
25:41chicken palmies.
25:42We'll have Aussie restaurants
25:43for the Chinese.
25:45There'll be Chinese-Australian fusion
25:46with a racist name
25:47probably knowing us.
25:48We'll be like,
25:49have yourself an Aussie bubble tea.
25:50It's just a VB
25:51with Maltesers in it.
25:56At the end of your meal
25:57you get an Australian fortune cookie.
25:59What does yours say?
26:00Mine says,
26:01Saturdays are for the boys.
26:04What does yours say?
26:05Mine says,
26:06buy a bag tonight.
26:07Your 15 leg multi's getting up.
26:13And I'll be there
26:14in communist China
26:16trying to ply my trade
26:17as a comedian.
26:18I'll sell you out immediately.
26:21I'll be the number one comic
26:23in all of China.
26:24I've already started working on my act.
26:26Might try it out on you white dogs right now.
26:31This is from my upcoming show
26:32called,
26:33tell you how you going.
26:37And before I commence my act
26:38I would
26:39like to take a moment
26:40to acknowledge that
26:41Taiwan is not real.
26:44It always was,
26:45it always will be
26:46Chinese land.
26:52Don't fucking put this in TikTok
26:53they'll kill me.
26:54Right?
26:55An Englishman,
26:58an Irishman,
26:59an Australian
27:00walk into a bar.
27:01Of course they did.
27:02They are a degenerate
27:03scum race.
27:08Knock knock.
27:09A Uighur Muslim.
27:11How did he get out of the camp?
27:15My wife,
27:16please.
27:17Take my wife.
27:18She keeps giving birth to daughters
27:19and I'm sick of drowning them in the river.
27:26I'm gonna stay broke.
27:29Alright,
27:30we'll finish on this.
27:31You guys have been a wonderful crowd.
27:32Thank you very much.
27:33Tip your waitress,
27:34try the chow mein.
27:35What's the difference
27:39between Santa Claus
27:40and the Tiananmen Square massacre?
27:42Nothing.
27:43They are both a work of Western fiction
27:45and never existed.
27:47Thanks very much
27:48I'm Manuel Skittle.
27:50See you later.
27:54After the break,
27:55more of Jim
27:56and his mates.
27:57Oh,
27:58my, my father
27:59is in the audience.
28:00He went to the Mona Art Gallery
28:02and he goes,
28:03you should have bloody seen it.
28:04There was one display there
28:05that was just a wall of vaginas.
28:08And I was trying to find one
28:11that looked like your mother's.
28:13Don't go away.
28:25Oh,
28:26my, my father
28:27is in the audience.
28:28Over there.
28:29Hi Dad.
28:30There he is.
28:31With my Uncle Brian.
28:32They're from Sydney,
28:34right?
28:35So they're down for the trip,
28:36right?
28:37And they go,
28:38what's that bar?
28:39Jackson and whatever.
28:40And it has the picture
28:41of the Chloe upstairs.
28:42So there's a nude painting
28:44in the top of the bar.
28:45And these two bastards,
28:47that's all they want to see.
28:48They want to go see the thing.
28:50But they were here
28:51about six weeks earlier
28:52for the Grand Prix tryouts.
28:54And so they go,
28:55you've got to see these paintings.
28:57They took me yesterday
28:58to go see the Chloe.
28:59And I walk in
29:00and the bartender,
29:01she goes,
29:02oh my God.
29:03As we walk in
29:04and I was like this,
29:05yes, hello,
29:061% Club.
29:07Pleasure to meet you.
29:08And they went,
29:09you're the two old brothers
29:10who were here six weeks ago.
29:11So they're at an age
29:15where they're uncanceable,
29:16these two.
29:17They can do whatever they want.
29:19So they went down to Tasmania
29:23to drive around
29:24and they went to,
29:25there's a museum there.
29:26What's it called again?
29:27The Mona, right?
29:28So they go to the Mona.
29:29Now, my uncle Brian,
29:30he's a big art buff.
29:32He knows everything about art.
29:33He goes to go as that.
29:34My father,
29:35he's not as much
29:37in the art world.
29:39He went to the Mona art gallery
29:41and he goes,
29:42you should have bloody seen it.
29:43There was one display there
29:44that was just a wall of vaginas.
29:46All different types of vaginas.
29:50All different shapes.
29:51Some of them were,
29:52everything falling out of them.
29:54Some of them all tucked in.
29:56They were,
29:57they were all there to see.
30:00And I was trying to find one
30:03that looked like your mother's.
30:06Now mind you,
30:11my mother died four years ago.
30:13So this is very sentimental to me.
30:15He goes,
30:16I was trying to find one
30:18that looked like your mother's.
30:20And I would have found one,
30:21but Brian kept on fucking hurrying me up
30:23the whole time.
30:25Anyway.
30:28There was this girl,
30:29she was about 20 or something.
30:31And she was just staring at this one vagina.
30:34She was staring at it for the longest time.
30:36And so I went up with her
30:37and I,
30:38I had a bit of a laugh
30:40and I walked up
30:42and I went,
30:43does that one look like yours?
30:50Now my dad's seen me,
30:51this is the second time I once,
30:53I,
30:54I,
30:55I went and performed at his bowling club in Taramara
30:56and I told that story
30:57and he got angry at me.
30:58It's literally the second time
30:59I've ever told this story.
31:00Right?
31:01So I had to do it again in front of my dad
31:02because if you can't do a joke
31:03in front of someone,
31:04you should never tell the joke at all.
31:05Right?
31:06Now,
31:07my dad comes up to me after I told that joke
31:08the first time.
31:09He goes,
31:10oh, bloody, you pick on me, you do.
31:11You fucking pick on me.
31:13He goes,
31:14that's not what happened at all.
31:15I didn't just walk up to her
31:16and go,
31:17does that one look like yours?
31:20I walked up to her and I went,
31:22that's a lovely looking one, isn't it?
31:24Right?
31:25I built a rapport with a young lady.
31:30I didn't say that either.
31:31I said,
31:32it looks very neat.
31:35Oh, man.
31:50I'm sorry, Dad.
31:54Next time when I tell that story,
31:56I'll make sure I get it right, mate.
32:00All right.
32:01This next comic works with me in LA.
32:03I adore her.
32:04I know you will as well.
32:06Can you please welcome Renee Percy?
32:09Oh, yes.
32:18Hello.
32:19Hi.
32:20First of all, yes, I know.
32:21I look like Barbie's messed up sister.
32:24Yeah.
32:25Frankston Barbie.
32:30I look like Barbie made a few bad decisions,
32:32you know.
32:33I look like JonBenet Ramsey wasn't killed.
32:36How's that?
32:37How's that?
32:38Oh, okay.
32:39Sickos on that side.
32:41Too dark for this side.
32:43I'm going to tell you guys a true story.
32:45I have a friend who did a show at a college recently
32:48and he started off by saying,
32:50how's it going, guys?
32:52And they pulled the plug on him.
32:54Yes, because he was only referring to the men, right?
32:57He wasn't being inclusive.
33:01And I do not want to get canceled
33:04by a country whose prime minister shit himself in a McDonald's.
33:10So I have had my lawyer prepare a little statement
33:14that I would like to read with your consent.
33:17Yeah.
33:18I'm going to need a yes from everybody on this one.
33:23Do I have a yes?
33:24Yes.
33:25Do I have a yes from Gordon Ramsey, sir?
33:27Right there.
33:28Do I have a yes from you, sir?
33:29Good to see you.
33:30Yes.
33:31I have a yes from you.
33:32What about the lead singer of Midnight Oil?
33:33Right there.
33:34Do I have a yes from you, sir?
33:35Right there.
33:36Good.
33:37Okay.
33:38Prince Harry.
33:39Nice to see you.
33:40Do I have a yes?
33:41Do I have a yes from you, sir?
33:42Good.
33:43Are there any millennials or Gen Z here tonight?
33:44Millennials, Gen Z?
33:45Yes.
33:46Oh, good.
33:47All right.
33:48I'm going to need a yes from you bitches
33:49because you're the fuckers that'll cancel me.
33:50Okay.
33:51All right.
33:52One, two, three.
33:53Yes.
33:54How's it going, guys?
33:56And girls.
33:57Okay.
33:58Women, men, ladies, gentlemen, lesbians, gays, bi, trans, non-binary, pan, fluid, queer,
34:07intersex, asexual, bi-curious, and those who like a finger in the...
34:11I'd like to welcome those with blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes, hazel eyes, a lazy eye,
34:19the cross-eyed, and those with pink eye.
34:25It's probably the same people who like a finger in the...
34:28I'd like to welcome blood types A, B, AB, O plus, O negative, all the bloods.
34:40Oh, and the Crips, if they're here.
34:43I want to welcome every single sentient being in this solar system and beyond.
34:50I want to welcome everybody.
34:55Yes, thank you.
34:56Um, except for Android users.
34:59They can go fuck themselves up!
35:04I'm originally from Canada, but I do live in the U.S.
35:07And I will say Americans like to make fun of me a lot for saying a few words slightly different.
35:14Like, uh, like in Canada we say out, and in America they say out.
35:19And we say about, and they say about.
35:22And we say sorry, and they say mass shooting.
35:25You know what I mean?
35:26It's just like a plain difference in the pronunciation.
35:29Just a little different how they say out.
35:34It's different.
35:35But I do live in the U.S. now with my husband.
35:37I am married.
35:38Um, my husband and I, we just, uh, we just celebrated 19 years together.
35:42And, uh, thank you.
35:43Oh my gosh, thank you.
35:44Yes.
35:45Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
35:46Sorry.
35:47Not in a row.
35:48Not in a row.
35:49No, we took a year and a half off to fuck others.
35:52Find ourselves.
35:53Sorry, that's it.
35:54And, um, yeah.
35:55This is true.
35:56The other day my husband said to me, he's like,
35:58I don't understand why you like Instagram so much.
36:01It's just a bunch of hot chicks with big tits.
36:04I was like, that is your algorithm, you idiot.
36:13I showed him my phone.
36:14All dogs.
36:15All dogs.
36:16His jaw dropped.
36:18He got all red.
36:19He was all embarrassed.
36:20He was like, oh my God.
36:22You know what?
36:23You jerk off to dogs?
36:28My name's Renee.
36:29Thank you guys so much.
36:33A wristy together.
36:35I get a lot of wristy.
36:36A wristy together.
36:37Yep.
36:38I've got a wristy together.
36:39Perfect.
36:40A wristy together.
36:41Hello.
36:42Hello.
36:43Hello.
36:44Hello.
36:46Hello.
36:47Hello.
36:48Hello.
36:49Hello.
36:50Hello.
36:51Hello.
36:52Hello.
36:53How are you?
36:54Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Yvonne, a wristy together.
37:02Hello.
37:03Hello.
37:04Hello.
37:05Hello.
37:06My beautiful people from Melbourne.
37:07How are you?
37:08How are you?
37:09How are you?
37:10How are you?
37:11How are you?
37:12Good.
37:13That was in Spanish.
37:14Let's do it in English.
37:15Melbourne, here you go.
37:16Any more immigrants?
37:17Make some noise, immigrants.
37:19Yeah.
37:20Can you yell your country of origin, please?
37:22Scotland.
37:23Scotland.
37:24England.
37:25England.
37:26You're not an immigrant if you come from England.
37:30Listen, you have to learn something in order to adapt.
37:34English people, they don't have to learn new things to adapt to Australia.
37:38You're not an immigrant, whoever that person is.
37:41You're not an immigrant if you move to Australia.
37:43You just move to a better suburb.
37:45That's it.
37:47Because you learn nothing to adapt.
37:49I had to learn so much stuff to adapt to this country.
37:52For example, I studied English before coming to Australia.
37:55So much English.
37:56And then I got to Australia, I realised that I should have studied some Australian English.
38:01Like, she'll be right, mate.
38:03She'll be right.
38:04No worries, mate.
38:05She will be right.
38:06Who the hell is she?
38:09The entire hope of Australia depends on this woman being right.
38:16We don't speak English in this country.
38:18We speak Australian.
38:19Australian is a lot easier than English.
38:21You should have told me that.
38:23English has a lot of words.
38:24So many words in English.
38:26Australian, just a few words.
38:28Because you can transmit, you can communicate so much information
38:31just by saying a few words in Australia.
38:33For example, in this country, you can explain anything.
38:36Anything can be explained in Australia just by saying three words.
38:40Anything can be explained here just by using three words.
38:44Fucking, you know.
38:46You have to learn new stuff when I arrive to this country.
39:00I'm a real immigrant.
39:01You have to learn new shit.
39:03Like driving on the other side of the road and cricket and shit.
39:07Cricket is so hard to understand.
39:10Most games it's just put the ball on the other side.
39:14That's it.
39:15So easy to learn.
39:16Put the ball.
39:17Football, soccer.
39:18Put the ball on the other side.
39:20Rugby.
39:21Put the ball on the other side.
39:23Australian football.
39:24Put the ball on the other side.
39:25Basketball.
39:26Put the ball.
39:27Volleyball.
39:28Put the ball.
39:29Tennis.
39:30Fucking ping pong.
39:31Put the ball on the other side.
39:34Cricket.
39:35No.
39:36To learn cricket you have to learn about finances.
39:42Because cricket is like finances.
39:44Cricket is like if you make an investment today, in three days you might get a return.
39:57As a comedian Australian I also learned how to adapt my words doing comedy.
40:03I was going to do, I was doing a show on a cruise ship.
40:07My first show on a cruise ship.
40:09And I was going to perform in the early show.
40:12The early show there were kids in the audience.
40:14Kids in the audience.
40:16And they told me, Ivan you're in the first show.
40:19It's a family friendly show.
40:20Kids in the audience.
40:22No F words.
40:24I went, no F words.
40:26My entire act is about impersonating Australians.
40:30How do you think I'm going to do my show.
40:33And then a friend of mine, a well seasoned comedian Australian.
40:36He told me, no Ivan you can say, you know that in Australia you can swap the F word for bagger.
40:42And everything will be PG.
40:45Just swap all the, bagger this and bagger that and bagger all and bagger off.
40:49And you bloody bagger, bagger it.
40:51I was like, are you sure this is PG?
40:54Yeah you can hear it on the radio.
40:55Have you heard it on the radio, on the telly?
40:57Yeah I've heard bagger on the radio and on the telly.
40:59Bagger.
41:00B-U-G-G-E-R.
41:02Bagger.
41:03I've heard that word.
41:05Yeah man.
41:06PG-13.
41:07So I did what my friend told me.
41:09So I swapped all the F words for bagger.
41:11Just my set.
41:12Just checking all the F words for bagger, bagger, bagger, bagger, bagger, bagger.
41:16And then I made a terrible mistake.
41:18Behind the curtain, right before the show, I cracked my phone.
41:21And I googled the definition of the word bagger.
41:30Let me tell you something you beautiful people of Melbourne.
41:34Bagger is a very specific F word.
41:37And it's very graphic.
41:42If you google it, don't click on images.
41:45I was like, oh my god, how am I going to say these words in front of children?
41:50How come bagger is PG in Australia?
41:54And I went, my friend was right.
41:56I've heard bagger on the radio.
41:58I've heard bagger on the telly.
42:00And I also heard bagger yelled by the parents to their children when they're playing footy.
42:07Like, hey Timmy, run like baggery!
42:10Run like baggery!
42:13Run like baggery!
42:14English is my second language.
42:15But let me say something.
42:16I think that run like baggery is bad syntax.
42:22Because how does baggery run?
42:25It's not Jimmy, Timmy run like baggery.
42:32It's more like, hey Timmy!
42:34Run!
42:35There's a baggery!
42:37Or, hey Timmy!
42:40Run away from the baggery!
42:42So I did what I had to do.
42:43I kept the show clean.
42:44I stay with fuck.
42:45Because fucking, you know.
42:46Thank you so much, guys.
42:47My name is Giovanni Tegueta.
42:48Good night.
42:49Ladies and gentlemen.
42:50Ladies and gentlemen.
42:51Havana Rusty-Gadar.
42:52A round of applause for all the comedians you saw tonight.
42:55Thank you very much.
42:56I'm Jim Jeffries.
42:57Thanks for watching.
42:58Good night.
43:19Good night.
43:24Good night.
43:27Good night.
43:28Thank you to God the heavenly realm.
43:32I'm sorry.
43:33How'd you notice the secret회 of us?
43:36When it's in vs.
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