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Plotlex
#shortdrama #romantic #cdrama
#drama #love #movie #fullmovie
Transcript
00:00This programme contains very strong language, adult humour and adult themes.
00:16Fucking stare to that. Honestly.
00:18You sent him in a perfectly good passport for us.
00:20Isn't it your back looking halfway between Pablo Escobar and a local paedophile?
00:23I think you look cute. I'll tell you what. I was ten years younger.
00:26Sorry, no offence, Elizabeth, but we A, we have done good authority that you do in fact have a cursed vagina.
00:33Bewitched. It's wise.
00:34And B, I think it's highly inappropriate for you to be flirting with me because I am to be your future manager.
00:43Oh, dear God.
00:45After the financial bloody clusterfuck you made of the rat and cut, you know you're going to buy this, are you?
00:50Not buy it, Vincent. Lease it.
00:52And no, I haven't made a fucking clusterfuck of it. I've turned the rat and cutter around.
00:55Now I've got my sights set on this place.
00:58And you're doing what you always do. Fucking bull at a shagging gate.
01:02Just do one thing at a time, man.
01:04It's exactly not the advice of every great entrepreneur.
01:07And I should know. I watch a lot of Dragons' Den.
01:08Yep. Well, get that fucking jukebox fixed, then. And get some bar snacks.
01:13Why is he always here?
01:13When I was young, his bloke used to come round with a basket of fish.
01:17And we all used to say to him, have you got crabs?
01:20You don't feel like that?
01:23What, the good old days, was it?
01:25They had you in here enough times.
01:27Well, I say in here, you were in the van in the car park with a packet of prawn cocktail, Chris.
01:32Yeah, I know.
01:32Seeing as I drove you home on more than one occasion.
01:35How are you going to afford this when all your money's wrapped up in the rat and cut off?
01:39Well, therein lies a very cunning plan.
01:41One which involves me going for four days to Dusseldorf to meet Veronica, my son's mother, and her...
01:47Drumroll, please.
01:49Her very wealthy parents!
01:52Oh!
01:52Why would Hans' German grandparents buy a fucking run-down pub in Hawley?
01:58I've asked Hans, and it turns out his grandad is an angel investor.
02:01So what I've got to do is turn on me natural pizzazz and a few well-placed lies, and ka-ching!
02:07Liz Jones and her cursed fanny are my new employees.
02:10Why is it cursed?
02:11Please, can we not talk about my mother's fanny?
02:14It's dangerous.
02:15It's killed several men, hasn't it, though?
02:16Listen, only eight men have died.
02:19The other 53 are roaming around quite happy, thank you.
02:22That number's gone up.
02:23Yeah, well, it will.
02:24Here, here.
02:25Ain't them ever died mid-pump?
02:27Just the one.
02:28What's it like, Dusseldorf?
02:30Hot-bedded, filthy debauchery, no doubt.
02:33Oh, it's beautiful, it's beautiful, yeah.
02:35Famed for its iconic Rhine Tower.
02:37Although I do have, you know, a few contacts over there in the debauchement industry,
02:42and I will be frequenting those for a few days prior to toddling off and meeting the parents.
02:46Anyway, love to chat, must fly, and, er, as they say in Germany,
02:52Hasta la vista, cunts.
02:55Dusseldorf, not in Spain.
02:5699 Luftballon, ihren Weg zum Hobbiton, auf 99 Luftballon.
03:05Oh.
03:08Ah.
03:27Oh.
03:29Hello, Mr Schaffner.
03:30Speaking.
03:30There is a visitor here in reception wishing to see you.
03:33Visitor? Who is that?
03:35He says his name is Bernard Law Montgomery.
03:39The best things in life are free
03:42But you can give them to the birds and bees
03:46Ta-da!
03:47Hey, hey!
03:49Lord, in the name of Jesus H.
03:51Fuck are you doing here?
03:53Hey, I got your hotel details from Vinnie.
03:55Bought myself a cheap fight over.
03:57Come fly!
03:58Hey, absolutely fucking shite airline.
04:01Why would you do that?
04:03Why would you make such a strange and fucking incorrect decision,
04:08you manky old pube?
04:09We all nearly died that day, Tom, on that coach.
04:12You weren't even fucking on it!
04:13I was fucking on the tractor,
04:16getting fucking dragged to the untimely end.
04:19Yeah, well, not that untimely, hey, Jim.
04:21Right, come on! Off you fuck!
04:23Alley!
04:23And I made a vow that day
04:25that all the things I've been putting off
04:27had to get done.
04:28Right.
04:29Fucking carpe diem.
04:30Fucking bucket list.
04:31Right, and what, you've always dreamed of visiting Dusseldorf.
04:34Have you? Is that right?
04:35That's the pronunciation. Dusseldorf.
04:39Bukkake.
04:40Buk?
04:41I'm so sorry about this.
04:42No, no, sorry.
04:43Fuck.
04:44You said Bukkake?
04:44Yeah, yeah, well, he's famous for it over here, isn't he?
04:47All the underground what-nots and that.
04:49And you know all the fucking right places.
04:52Right, okay.
04:53I can't believe this that meant to me.
04:56Right, how do I put it?
04:57Jim, fuck off,
04:59You monkey old scrotum.
05:01Get on the next fucking overcrowded, shitty flight back home.
05:04There we go.
05:04Avanti.
05:05Bonso.
05:06Yeah, yeah, yeah, hang on.
05:07Some people want to fucking skydive
05:09or fucking go to the Great Barrier Reef.
05:13This is my Taj Mahal, Tomo.
05:16My Great Wall of China.
05:21Good luck, dear.
05:22Fine.
05:26I'll just ask around, then.
05:35Fuck!
05:36Fucking hell.
05:37Fine, Jim.
05:39I do know people and do know a place.
05:41But listen to me.
05:42Right, mark my words.
05:43Are you marking me?
05:44Heed me, Jim.
05:45Right, when you have shot your mucky little wad,
05:48that's us done.
05:49Right, you're finished.
05:50We are not, I repeat, we are not on a mini-break together.
05:54We absolutely don't.
06:04Fuck it.
06:07Jesus Christ, Jim.
06:08You're not crisps in your behalf, for fuck's sake, you know?
06:11Fucking hell.
06:12Yeah.
06:12Thomas.
06:13Mila!
06:14Meine Kleine, Frau Leine.
06:16This is my friend, James.
06:17To say friend, I mean, he's more of a rancid old farmer
06:20whom only acquaintances with, because we grow weed under his land.
06:24Time to meet you.
06:25Hi.
06:26So I understand you are here for the bukkake?
06:29That's right.
06:30Okay, we do classic bukkake here.
06:33Oh.
06:33Three men, one woman.
06:36Oh, okay.
06:37And, um, what if I want you to be on my knees?
06:43Oh.
06:43Hmm, this is extra.
06:45Do you have cash?
06:46Oh, yeah.
06:47Got a few bubby.
06:48Why, sir?
06:49Do you know?
06:54Go to my band.
06:55And we'll be joined by Anton and Dieter.
06:59Don't be intimidated.
07:00They're extremely large, but just follow their lead.
07:03Congratulations.
07:04Yeah, right.
07:06So, off we go.
07:08Go.
07:08Good luck, and, uh, don't be too gross, eh?
07:11Oh, sorry, man.
07:17Fuck it now.
07:19Ah, guten outfit.
07:21Ah, sehr gut.
07:26Dad, are you in Düsseldorf?
07:28Hans, son.
07:29I am indeed, yes.
07:30I'm, uh, currently soaking up the cultural highlights of this fine city.
07:36Fucking hell.
07:38Sorry, love, I've just seen a cathedral.
07:39Do you want to meet at Grandma and Grandpapa's house, or before?
07:43And Mummy can't wait to see you.
07:45Really?
07:45Oh, yes.
07:46She says it will be strange after all the years, but also...
07:49Oh, wunderbar.
07:50They're doing dinner at 6 p.m.
07:51All right.
07:52Well, listen, I've got a few things to clear up here first, but, uh, ping me over the address.
07:56I've got a higher car, so I suppose I can, uh, toodle-oh, shit.
08:02Hans, love, I'll see you at 6, all right?
08:04Fucking hell, Jim!
08:06Jim!
08:07The fuck have you done, you?
08:09Hey, nothing!
08:09I said, I said, don't be too gross, did I not say that?
08:12That wasn't!
08:13I mean, I mean, we were just getting to it, and, uh, I know I've got a bit of an intense
08:17jack-off face, but she just started crying and fled her fucking hand-and-deck!
08:22Oh, play it miserable, old cunt sake!
08:25Mila, sweetheart, love, baby, angel, uh, you all right in there?
08:29I'm sorry.
08:30No, no, no, don't, don't, you be sorry.
08:32He is a mangy cunt with a horrible jerk-off face.
08:34Just come out of here and we can talk about it.
08:36Is she all right?
08:37I'm sorry if it was me.
08:42I mean, the last thing I wanted you to do-
08:43No, no, it wasn't you.
08:45You're a gentleman.
08:46It's me.
08:48I shouldn't have come to work tonight.
08:51I'm, I'm just so worried.
08:54Oh, what, what, what's happened?
08:55My brother, Otto, he's in the hospital.
08:58He had a heart attack.
09:00Oh, that, that's terrible.
09:01Not our deal.
09:02I have his phone and he keeps getting these messages from someone named Boseman.
09:07Right, so that's all in German, isn't it, so?
09:12He says, we want the gear.
09:15When and where.
09:16Don't ignore me.
09:18Fucking call me or I'll find you ass face.
09:22Ass face, right, that's, that's a rare insult, that, in terms of, what's, what's, uh, what's
09:27I've got myself involved in?
09:30Envelopes.
09:35Why?
09:37Well, Otto runs the local post office.
09:39And since the legalization of cannabis, people come here to smoke, to party from the UK, France,
09:46and many of them get the idea to post drugs back home.
09:49So, they Google local post office.
09:52Otto's the first hit.
09:54So, they wander in and ask.
09:56How much do you post a letter back to the UK?
09:57So, he tells them the price of a stamp.
09:59Otto knows they're posting weed, mushrooms.
10:02Then, he throws them into a special red delivery bag.
10:06Which he then brings home with him.
10:08Because, who's gonna make a complaint?
10:10Oh, my drugs never made it home?
10:11Fucking clever.
10:13Imperfect crime.
10:14But then, he didn't know what to do with them all.
10:16Hence, Boseman.
10:18But fuck me, this is thousands of fucking pounds worth.
10:21Maybe tens of thousands.
10:23People pay 40, 50 euros for mushrooms.
10:26Even more for the strong ones.
10:27But I can't get involved.
10:29I don't want trouble with the police.
10:31Ah, well, congratulations, Mila, because we deal with this sort of thing all the fucking time.
10:36For a small remuneration, i.e. cut of the profits, we could get some of the contents of these envelopes to Mr. Boseman.
10:44Air Boseman, if you will.
10:46Deutsche.
10:46Very good.
10:46And, uh, you know, make the transaction.
10:49You would do that for me?
10:52Mila.
10:53Of course.
10:54Mi kassera su kassera.
10:55You can have the money.
10:56I don't need it.
10:5750-50.
10:57Eh, let's say that.
10:5880.
10:5920.
10:5960-40.
11:00Okay, I accept 60.
11:03Fucking well done.
11:04Thank you so much, Tom.
11:05Bitte schön.
11:06If you meet them, you might need someone who speaks German.
11:11Do you know anyone?
11:13Mila, would you believe it?
11:16And I'm just the man.
11:17Dearly fucking easy!
11:32Listen, you can be all right with this.
11:33You know, you won't tell your mum.
11:34It's just our little secret.
11:36Yes, it is exciting.
11:38Oh, yeah.
11:38Like a movie.
11:39The illegal drop in a discreet location.
11:42Oh, yes, well, listen, that's how your father rolls.
11:44It's wall-to-wall adventure and intrigue, you can tell.
11:46Oh, yes.
11:47Yeah, except we're meeting him round the back of a large garden furniture warehouse.
11:51All right, on that note, Avanti!
11:53Let's go.
11:54Ha-ha!
11:59It's a quick in and out.
12:01Stick to the plan, and we'll be sipping steins on the Rhine.
12:04Bob's your fucking uncle.
12:16Jim, you stay here with the gear, and Hans will go and negotiate.
12:26I don't like this.
12:28They've got nasty eyes.
12:30They're probably going to kill us and dump our bodies in the Seine.
12:33The Seine is in France.
12:34You're missing the fucking point.
12:36I am this close to achieving a lifelong ambition.
12:40And now I'm going to get shot in the face on some misguided envelope-based fucking scam.
12:45Jim, love, I'll just put this gently.
12:47Um, shut the fuck up, you stupid old cunt.
12:50Ah, Mr. Bozeman.
13:03Wo ist Otto?
13:04Tell him that we are colleagues and we have what he needs.
13:07Wir sind Ottos Kollegen.
13:09Kollegen.
13:09Otto ist beschäftigt, aber wir haben, was ihr braucht.
13:12Ja.
13:13Hat Otto den Weihnachtsmann und seine zwei Helfer geschickt, um seine Drecksarbeit zu erledigen?
13:16Wieso sieht der englische Weihnachtsmann so klapprig aus?
13:19Post-Brexit-Weihnachtsmann.
13:23Oh, yeah.
13:23What's he saying?
13:25They say Otto sent Santa Claus.
13:27I think they mean Jim and his two elves, that's us, to do his deal for him.
13:32Okay.
13:33And then they did a bunch of follow-up stuff, which is German humor and won't be funny to you.
13:37Okay.
13:38Was wollen diese Zwerge?
13:39Now they're asking how much you want for the gear.
13:41Yes.
13:41You want 20.000 Euro.
13:4420.000 Euro.
13:45Ja.
13:4820.000 Euro.
13:50Yeah.
13:50Der Weihnachtsmann hat wohl den ganzen Whisky zu früh gesoffen.
13:52They say that Santa must be drunk on all the whiskey if we want 20.000 Euro.
13:56Wir machen euch einen Deal.
13:57Wenn ihr unsere Weihnachtssocken füllt, gibt's 4.000 Euro für euch.
14:01They will give us 4.000 Euro, if we agree to fill their Christmas stockings.
14:05Jesus Christ, so fucking gentle humor this, isn't it?
14:07Yeah.
14:08I have to tell them, 15.000 Euro, and that's my final offer.
14:1115.000.
14:14Rude.
14:14All right, all right, all right, all right, 10, 10 grand, and that's as long as I'll go.
14:1710.
14:185.000.
14:19They say 5.
14:20We might know if cunts who won the war.
14:22No, no, Jim, we're not going down that route.
14:23Thank you very much.
14:24All right, 9, 9 grand, 9 grand, and that is it.
14:26That is as long as I'll go, or may God strike Jim down.
14:299.
14:30It's the best offer.
14:328.
14:328.
14:34Fine, done.
14:35Fucking great.
14:36Now let's get the dough so we can get on with the buccacke.
14:39Tell them that we want to see the cash before the drugs get handed over.
14:42We want to see the cola, please.
14:44We want to see the cola, please see the cola.
14:44Sure, but before I want to see a picture with the Christmas guy.
14:49They want a photograph with Santa Claus.
14:52You are?
14:53You for real?
14:54Yes, they want to send it to a friend.
14:56Crikey.
14:57All right, all right, go on.
14:58Hey, hey, having a great beard does not make me Santa Claus.
15:01Oh, my God.
15:01Rathputin had a great beard.
15:03Fucking Fidel Castro had a great beard.
15:05Gritting that fucking selfie, Yukon.
15:07He's wearing disposable gloves.
15:09Only killers wear disposable gloves.
15:11Oh, well, maybe he's got a germ phobia.
15:13Go on, get in the selfie, love.
15:14There we go.
15:15Say, you know.
15:16Say good.
15:18Yeah, super cool.
15:20We had sense for dying.
15:22Come, come.
15:23He says now one with all of us here.
15:24What's going on?
15:25We talking?
15:26What?
15:26Okay.
15:27Dylan, I'm singing.
15:30Heilige Nacht.
15:32Yeah, lovely.
15:33Alles schläfts traut und...
15:37Jesus!
15:43Hey, no!
15:44Oh, no!
15:45Oh, no!
15:45Oh, no!
15:55Oh, no!
15:56You fucking asshole!
15:58No!
16:00Oh!
16:02No!
16:02My best shirt was in that suitcase
16:07And me tingly body rub
16:09And me corn plasters
16:10You honestly gonna go for that whole fucking weird smorgasbord
16:13I've nicked off with that fucking luggage
16:15I passports
16:15And my fucking hire car that I didn't get insured
16:18You didn't take the insurance?
16:20No
16:20Would you like to take the insurance?
16:23Yeah
16:23Four days in Dusseldorf was the worst that could happen
16:26Would you like to take the insurance?
16:29Fuck
16:30Fuck
16:31We lost a car
16:32But we gained a jacket
16:35Stop it
16:37I've not got time for whimsy now, love
16:38What's this?
16:41What was it?
16:44Brower and Schumann, 10.30
16:45That's a beer hall
16:46That's a fucking meet-up
16:47That's a fucking meet-up?
16:48He's going there tonight
16:49Unless it was last night and he's just still in his pocket
16:52I swear to God, man
16:54But Dad, we have to go to Grandma and Grandpa Pass
16:57In fact, we need to be there in 22 minutes
17:00Okay, okay
17:01Here's what we're going to do
17:02We're going to go to the relatives
17:03Have a bit of din-dins
17:04Lovely
17:04Then, early to bed
17:06Let me sneak out
17:07And go and retrieve what's rightfully ours
17:08Brilliant
17:08Call an Uber
17:09Hang on a minute
17:10What about me getting what I came for?
17:13Jim
17:13We're in the fucking room
17:15Events have moved on
17:16So you're just going to go off to dinner
17:18And leave me here in the middle of fucking nowhere
17:22You can come with us
17:24As you say in England
17:25The more of the people, the merrier the situation
17:28Nice one
17:29Take care
17:30It's Mummy
17:42This is a huge moment
17:45My mother and my father reunited after so many years
17:49Alright, alright, I'm coming
17:50Words which are on a killer to your creation
17:53Mummy
17:54And that's what I said when I came
17:56Hans
17:58It's Daddy
17:59Thomas
18:01Well, yes
18:02It's been a very long time
18:03Yes
18:04Hello again
18:05Hello, Veronica
18:06Looking well
18:08Very, uh, Germanic
18:10With your hair like that
18:11And the roll neck and all that, you know
18:12And you look very English
18:15Thank you
18:17I think
18:18Who is this?
18:19This is Jim, a friend of Dad's
18:20Good to meet you
18:22I've heard a lot about you
18:23Well, the 16-year-old you
18:25The one that liked cowgirl on school trip
18:27Jim
18:28Sorry
18:28Sorry about that
18:30Veronica
18:31Hans
18:32Papa
18:33Oh, Kinder
18:35So good to see you
18:38Oh
18:39Oh
18:40Oh
18:40Oh
18:41Oh
18:41Oh
18:42I'll drink first, eh?
18:43Ah
18:43Papa
18:44I'll be at the circus
18:46Oh
18:46Me
18:47Mein lieber
18:48Opa
18:49Ja
18:50Das ist mein Vater
18:51Thomas
18:52Vater
18:53Und sein Freund Jim
18:54Freund
18:54Did you not bring any luggage?
18:56We had it stolen
18:57I hope you have insurance
18:59Ha
19:00Fifty quid
19:05Fuck that
19:06What's the worst that could happen
19:09Never mind
19:12I'll lend you some of my briefs
19:14Let's go
19:14Come
19:15Have you a briefs?
19:17Yes
19:18Tomas
19:22Come hurry up
19:23Schnell
19:24This is our sauna
19:25And I built it with my own hands
19:27Just as Gitte
19:28Is preparing us
19:30The most
19:30Amazing feast
19:32And there's nothing more enticing
19:33For the appetite
19:34Than a
19:35Cold plunge
19:36Oh
19:38Oh
19:38The secret is
19:40Is complete submerging
19:41All the way to your neck
19:43And you hold it
19:44For two minutes
19:44And not a second less
19:46Two
19:46Two minutes
19:47Two full minutes
19:48Right
19:49Now follow me
19:51Oh
19:54Yeah
19:57Now you
19:58Come
19:58Okay
19:59Here goes
20:02What do you think?
20:03Test the water
20:04As it
20:05Whoa
20:05Hi
20:06So
20:06Fuck me
20:07Yes
20:07That's very very cold actually
20:09Don't allow yourself
20:10To think about it
20:11Yes
20:11No
20:12I have thoughts about it
20:12And the brain is very much saying
20:14No thank you
20:15So I'm just gonna go
20:16Say no
20:16All right
20:17Count him in
20:18Fun
20:19Four
20:20Three
20:21Three
20:22Two
20:23Eyes
20:24I mentioned
20:25That I do have a heart defect
20:27And so I'm a bit concerned
20:28This might bring about a cardiac arrest
20:29Diego
20:29Oh
20:30Oh
20:32Oh
20:33Ah
20:33Ah
20:34Hey
20:36Reminds me of the merchant neighbor
20:38Except if we were all naked
20:41I'm fucking drinking
20:41Hi
20:42I'm just gonna get some wine from the Jane
20:45All right
20:46Oh and get me some tampons will you
20:49I told you
20:50Use a moon cup
20:51Hey
20:53Just get the tampons
20:54You get them
20:55I'm not buying shitty single use plastic
20:57Weirdo
21:01Don't sweat the technique
21:05Don't sweat the technique
21:07Oh it's fucking gold
21:24Go fucking joke here
21:26Fuck's sake Faye
21:32You're meant to go in for a bottle of wine
21:33Yeah well an opportunity arose
21:35Could you hit him then
21:36Only gently
21:36Fuck me
21:37Thought we were leaving all this small time shit behind
21:40And where are my fucking tampons eh
21:42That guy in there
21:43Who's probably just doing his fucking job
21:45Minimum wage
21:46Probably getting into all kinds of trouble now
21:47It's not right Ali
21:48You're asking me to compromise
21:51On my moral standpoint
21:51On these things
21:52My moral fucking standpoint
21:53As if you didn't just fucking smash a guy in the face
21:55For a couple of quid
21:56I fucking told you to use a moon cup
21:59Oh fuck off
22:00Thank you
22:02Thank you
22:03So
22:09Ernst or
22:11Perhaps now that we're related
22:13I could venture to call you Papa
22:14Keep it at Ernst
22:16Okay
22:17As you wish
22:18Listen
22:18About earlier
22:19The whole ice plunge situation
22:22I think we got off the wrong foot
22:22Didn't we
22:23Because you see
22:23The whole great outdoors
22:25It's not really my natural environnement
22:27You know
22:27I'm more of a
22:28Nighttime economy
22:29Guy
22:30You know
22:30Pubs, clubs, bars
22:31Where people can go
22:32And find fun and friendship
22:34Everyone to their own
22:36And as it happens
22:38I do have a
22:39Small portfolio
22:40Of venues
22:41In the UK
22:42But I'm ever looking to expand
22:44I see
22:47Hans helped me financially
22:50To set up my flagship venue
22:51The Rat and Cutter
22:53And now
22:53I've got my little eye
22:54On another local bar
22:56Very up and coming
22:57And I was wondering
22:59If you might want to chat
23:00Investment opportunities
23:02You got my daughter pregnant
23:07Now let me ask you a question
23:10Why do you think
23:11Veronica never told you
23:13That you're Hans' father
23:15Because we met when we were very young
23:18And on a school exchange
23:20So
23:20It's one of them
23:21She went through hell
23:23She was 16 years old
23:25With a newborn child
23:27Couldn't go out with her friends
23:29Couldn't go on holidays
23:31She had to postpone college
23:34And why
23:35Because some English boy
23:38Was too cheap to buy prophylactics
23:41A fucking condom
23:42Well
23:45It wasn't the expense
23:47As such
23:48She didn't tell you
23:49She didn't tell you
23:49Because she thought
23:50You are a bad pet
23:54She thought
23:55Your life
23:56Will be chaotic
23:58And failing
23:59Even though
24:02She was physically
24:03Attracted to you
24:05At that age
24:07She was smart enough
24:08Even then
24:09To realize
24:10She's the kind of guy
24:11That can't be relied upon
24:12Well
24:17How wrong was she
24:19Eh
24:20Was she
24:21I think of myself
24:24As a good judge of character
24:26It comes with my line of work
24:28And I think
24:29Veronica my daughter
24:30She's too
24:32Aye
24:33Ernst
24:35Answer this for me
24:36I've always wanted to know
24:37What's with the fucking
24:39Umlaut
24:40Huh
24:43Oh my god
24:44This is funny
24:45Look
25:00There's something
25:01I didn't tell you
25:01About my uncle
25:02You thought you'd wait
25:03Till we got to the door
25:04Did you
25:04It's not a big deal
25:06It's just
25:06It doesn't look like
25:07You'd expect
25:08Right
25:08What do you mean
25:09There is plenty
25:18Of space
25:19Where
25:20The bathroom
25:21Is just outside
25:22And er
25:23I will bring you
25:25Some towels
25:26What the fuck
25:32You're doing agent
25:33You can't stay at the night
25:34As soon as you've got that gear
25:35You're fucking off
25:36Do you I'll tell
25:37What hotel
25:38What do you mean what hotel
25:41What I didn't book one
25:42I just thought I saw it
25:43Once I got here
25:44Who the fuck does that
25:45I thought you might have a spare bed
25:46In your room
25:47Why
25:47Why would I have
25:48There you go
25:50Speak
25:51If you need anything
25:53We are only upstairs
25:55I want that fucking book
26:00Akitamo
26:01And I'm not going home
26:02Until he's
26:03Blood
26:03Your actions
26:04Are not the actions
26:06Of a reasonable man
26:07What a mess
26:09Darker shoes
26:11It's like Morecambe and Wise
26:15Isn't it
26:16Two grown men
26:17Sharing a room
26:19Separate beds
26:20Simpler time
26:22You see
26:22You said he'd give us a signal
26:23When they went to bed
26:24Where is he
26:24I don't want to let anything
26:25Have it back then
26:26Is this the same
26:27Halcyon age
26:28When Jim Davidson
26:29Were doing Chalky White
26:30And Benny Hill
26:30Were chasing scantily clad
26:31Women round the grounds
26:32Of stately homes
26:32Oh come on
26:34That's right
26:36Sully it with your woke agenda
26:38Oh fuck me
26:39Everyone's fucking offended
26:41Nowadays
26:42It's because
26:43So you can't say anything
26:44Oh my god
26:45When we were kids
26:46You got given a nickname
26:48You just got on with it
26:49When I was young
26:50People used to call me
26:51Pig shit Jimmy
26:52Because I lived on a farm
26:54And it hasn't done me any harm
26:55Has it eh
26:56Huh
26:57I'm not so sure
27:00About that love
27:00Ein
27:05Und aus
27:10Ein
27:16Und aus
27:20Immer im Rhythmus
27:25Jim
27:39Get your fucking shoes on
27:41We'll get on my item
27:42Run
27:51Oh hello
27:55Someone's been on the Jägerbombs
27:57Keep your eyes peeled Jim
28:01You remember what it looks like
28:02Hey
28:03Fucking memory of a fox
28:05Me
28:05Foxes have good memories
28:06Well if they haven't
28:08Why would they have said it
28:09Willkommen meine Damen und Herren
28:13Zum größten berühmtesten
28:15Drinkwalk-Wettbewerb in Düsseldorf
28:18Oh yeah
28:20Yes
28:20Yes
28:21The participants will come to the table
28:23On the table
28:23Good
28:24What the fuck's going on here
28:27What's going on Pao
28:29It's a drinkwalk-wettbewerb
28:30It's a drinkwalk-wettbewerb
28:31It's a drinkwalk-wettbewerb
28:32It's a drinkwalk-wettbewerb
28:33Nein
28:33You don't speak fucking English
28:37He's a rude man
28:38Oh yeah
28:39He's fucking awful
28:39Yeah yeah yeah
28:40Well sponsored
28:40Sorry
28:42What the fuck is going on here
28:44It is a famous drinkwalk-competition
28:46Everyone has put in five euro
28:47And the winner gets to keep the pot of money
28:49Let's put the cash prize
28:50Fuck it
28:51I'm getting involved
28:52Hmm
28:52No no no no no Tim
28:54Tim no
28:55I couldn't get away
29:10No I saw
29:11You took Grandad's car
29:13Yeah I noticed as I
29:14No he went to bed
29:15But he won't be happy if he finds out
29:17For our participants
29:18A drink-slash-walk-competition
29:21How fantastic
29:21Yes Jim
29:28There's the man
29:37Odd
29:38Jacky man
29:38Well definitely
29:39Well it is him and all
29:41Yeah
29:41Right
29:41We've got him
29:42He's trapped
29:43Look
29:44Hey
29:46Hey
29:47Hey
29:47Put that
29:48Well you know you can't
29:49Wow
29:51Oh
29:52Hey
29:53Yeah
29:55Wow
29:55Yeah
29:56Wow
29:57Wow
29:57Wow
29:58Wow
29:58Yeah
29:59Yeah
30:00Yeah
30:00Genau
30:00Wow
30:01Wow
30:02That will
30:02Two two, two two.
30:05Or if it's two.
30:07Oh, it's a winner.
30:09Yeah!
30:10Fuck it up!
30:12What do you mean?
30:14Ha!
30:15Ha!
30:16Yes, Jim!
30:17Faster!
30:19Puncher!
30:20Puncher!
30:20Yeah!
30:21Fuck off.
30:22What's nil on me?
30:23Oh, shit!
30:24Fuck off!
30:25No!
30:26Oh, boy!
30:28Oh, damn now.
30:29I want to go out of my hand.
30:32Shit, he's gone!
30:33What?
30:34Fucking bubble jack, he's gone!
30:35Please give us the fucking sleep!
30:36Jesus, come on!
30:37Ah!
30:42Nice!
30:43I've got you now!
30:51No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
30:53It's locked!
30:54It's fucking locked!
30:55No, there's a door release button.
30:56Oh, right, yeah.
30:58It's my car park.
31:00Up there.
31:01It's my fucking eye car.
31:03He's leaving.
31:04Well, if they fucking block the way, he's not.
31:21Checkmate.
31:25Why is he just staring at us?
31:31No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
31:36Great, that's car!
31:37My fucking eye car!
31:38What would it fucking move?
31:41Would you like to taxi your show?
31:44No, no, no, no.
31:47We thought I was in Dusseldorf.
31:49What was the worst that could happen?
31:51I have an idea.
31:55No, no, no, no, no, no.
31:57Get out.
32:14Oh, that's not good.
32:21Oh, he's alive.
32:22Thank God.
32:24Hey.
32:25Oh, I'll tell you what.
32:27I'm having that.
32:29Boots land.
32:30Right, five lights on.
32:31Right, you check the boots.
32:36Nothing back here.
32:37Oh, jackpot.
32:38His mobile telephone.
32:40Let's get this cunt into our car.
32:42Are we taking him to the hospital?
32:44No, we folk.
32:45This bastard's a bargaining chip.
32:47Is it chip or is it chit?
32:49Dad, I don't like this.
32:50I think I might be out of my depth.
32:52I can't take a man hostage.
32:54Look, love.
32:55You're only hostage
32:56if you're being held against your will.
32:59And he's gagging to come with us, aren't you, mate?
33:03Get me the fuck out of here.
33:05They're all fucking psychos.
33:08There we go.
33:09Don't you like that, you great German shit?
33:13Right, here is the plan.
33:16We're going to bell Bozeman up off Lado's phone.
33:17Bozeman's going to pick up the phone
33:19because he thinks it's one of his guys calling.
33:20Then we're going to say to him,
33:21or rather you're going to say to him
33:23because you speak German,
33:24you're not getting your lad back
33:25until we get
33:26A, our passport,
33:28B, our luggage,
33:30and C, the fucking gear that he stole from us.
33:33I can't do that.
33:35No, no, no, darling.
33:36If we don't get our passports back,
33:38we can't go on.
33:39And as much as you might be the nation
33:40who invented socks and sandals,
33:41you do not deserve
33:42a crusty old racist farmer.
33:44Fine.
33:44Give me the telephone.
33:46But I want to do it my way,
33:48with politeness.
33:50Good for you.
33:50Good lad.
33:51Nice.
33:52Politeness?
33:53Are you fucking sure he's your kid?
33:54Says the man with a super smart lesbian daughter.
33:57Lesbian?
33:59As in?
34:00She's a fucking lesbian.
34:02Then she sleeps with women.
34:03What do you think I'm...
34:03Oh, my God.
34:04Did you not know that?
34:05You're saying that my alley
34:06is a fucking donut bumper?
34:08Jim, honestly,
34:09as much as it might be difficult
34:10for you to get your head around
34:11the fact that you have spawned a homosexual,
34:13maybe she'd be grateful, you know,
34:14because she's a lovely young woman, isn't she?
34:16This is a fucking mother, this.
34:17I told her not to introduce her to fucking hockey.
34:20All them young girls,
34:21short skirts,
34:23big wooden fucking sticks.
34:24I worry about your worldview.
34:25I do, I really do, Jim.
34:27Hey, look, there's a place here
34:28half a mile away.
34:29Look, it says catering for all erotic desires.
34:33Jesus Christ, Jim,
34:34if you mention Bukaki one more fucking time!
34:36You fucking promised you'd help me.
34:38No, no, no, no, no,
34:39factually inaccurate, that.
34:40What I seem to recall happening
34:41is you following me
34:42to a foreign nation
34:44like a fucking sex-dementor.
34:46What do you say, love?
34:48He said...
34:49Hmm?
34:49You can keep him.
34:51What?
34:52The man in the back, he said,
34:53I don't care, keep him.
34:55Fuckin' hell!
35:02Fuck you, damn it!
35:03Fuck you, Germany!
35:07How a fucking Lyriot!
35:10Fill your boots!
35:11Actually, don't fill your boots.
35:12I wish I'd not said that.
35:13It's a horrible image.
35:14Grandad isn't going to be
35:18very happy about the car.
35:19That's a fucking understatement.
35:21Well, to be honest, love,
35:22I reckon your grandad's opinion
35:23of me wasn't that high
35:24to begin with.
35:25What makes you say that?
35:27Hmm?
35:28Oh.
35:29Cold orange.
35:32And your mum.
35:33Fuck, you know.
35:33She was a bit, uh...
35:34Cool.
35:35Frosty.
35:36Ass-cold.
35:37You know?
35:38Mum is the sort of person
35:39who keeps her emotions
35:40inside herself.
35:42She will have been nervous
35:43about seeing you again,
35:44I think.
35:45Hmm.
35:45I suppose I'm just a stranger to her.
35:48Aren't I?
35:49I'm just, uh,
35:49someone she had a youthful fling
35:51with many moons ago.
35:53Nothing more...
35:54Nothing less...
35:55Sorry, sweetheart.
35:56Is it just me?
35:57Or...
35:57It doesn't seem very much like
35:58those two men over there
35:59who are heading this way
36:00with rather large sledgehammers.
36:02They are definitely
36:06coming in this direction.
36:08Hmm.
36:10I mean,
36:11no-one else are here.
36:13No-one's followed us,
36:13so they can't be here for...
36:16Buzz.
36:19Release Lucas.
36:21How the fuck?
36:21They're not easier.
36:22Release him now.
36:24Dad, this is scary.
36:26No, no, no, no,
36:26sweet-up.
36:26They're trying to frighten us,
36:27aren't they?
36:28I'll handle this.
36:30Good night, band.
36:31Guten Abend.
36:32Ja, ja.
36:34Den sledgehammer...
36:35I've said put on the sledgehammer.
36:37Den vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
36:39Den vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
36:41Just speak English.
36:43Your German is worse
36:44than a three-year-old.
36:44Listen, right,
36:45I've told Boseman,
36:46we'll release him
36:47when we get our passports
36:49and the gear you stole.
36:50Now!
36:51Or we fuck up your car more.
36:52It's not my car,
36:53it's my son's granddad, so...
36:54Your son's granddad,
36:55so not your father,
36:57but your wife's father.
36:58No, she's not my wife,
36:59actually, either.
37:00In fact, I barely even know her.
37:02We had a brief sexual encounter
37:03two decades ago.
37:05And you didn't use protection.
37:07Okay, no.
37:07How did you find us?
37:08Find my phone app.
37:10Of course.
37:11Fucking hell!
37:12Everyone has this.
37:13Right, no, listen, listen.
37:15Right, we had a fair deal.
37:16Hmm?
37:17And Boseman
37:18shafted us
37:19right at the asshole.
37:20And this dickhead,
37:21in the back,
37:22he's written off my hire car.
37:24Didn't take the insurance?
37:25No, I did not.
37:27Look,
37:28I am going to count to three,
37:30and then you release Lucas.
37:31It turns your fucking light, love.
37:32We're not giving him back
37:33until we get
37:34what's rightfully ours.
37:36Ain'ts.
37:37We have to let him go.
37:38They're bluffing.
37:39Spy.
37:39I don't think they're bluffing.
37:40Because they're bluffing.
37:41They're fucking...
37:41in front of the car, aren't they?
37:42Could run them over.
37:43I'll run them over.
37:44Don't run them over.
37:45Drive.
37:47See?
37:48What'd I say?
37:49Bluffing!
37:49Stop the car,
37:56drive away!
37:56He's going to kill us!
37:59Don't do that!
38:00Do not do that!
38:01Oh, fuck off!
38:05Fucking hell!
38:06You fucking hell!
38:06No, no, no, don't you!
38:07He's opening the doors!
38:09No, he's not.
38:10He's coming!
38:13Open the fucking car door
38:14while we slash your granddaddy's tire!
38:16No!
38:16No!
38:17No!
38:17No!
38:18No!
38:18No!
38:18No!
38:19No!
38:19No!
38:20No!
38:20No!
38:21No!
38:21No!
38:21No!
38:22No!
38:22No!
38:23No!
38:23No!
38:24No!
38:24No!
38:25No!
38:25No!
38:25No!
38:26No!
38:26Does he know?
38:27Step away from the fucking vehicle!
38:29No!
38:30Yeah!
38:30Yeah!
38:31Fucking hell!
38:34Hold on the door!
38:35Come on, Jim!
38:35Yeah!
38:36Come on!
38:36Ah!
38:37Ah!
38:37Ah!
38:38Ah!
38:38Ah!
38:39Ah!
38:39Ah!
38:40Ah!
38:40Ah!
38:41Ah!
38:41Ah!
38:41Ah!
38:42Ah!
38:42Ah!
38:43What do you say follow us?
38:44Oh!
38:44Throw the phone out the window, the phone, the phone, throw the phone out the window!
38:47Or I could turn off, find my phone.
38:48Yeah, yeah, no, I'll do that, yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:50Thank you for saving us.
38:51Excuse the deed!
38:52Eh?
38:53The deed, if you've done the deed, is the deed done.
38:54No, he fucking isn't!
38:56What are you gonna do with him in the bath?
38:57We can't take him back to my grandparents' house.
39:00Explaining the car is going to be bad enough without a hostage in the booth.
39:03He's not a hostage, he's free to go at any time!
39:05Ah!
39:06Ah!
39:07Ah!
39:08Uncle Jay took a sign to you, told me in the kitchen, he said you were a keeper.
39:13Ooh!
39:14Yeah, I bet he did.
39:15Fuck off!
39:16Ha ha!
39:17And he said he'd get us some work.
39:20Yeah, what kind of work?
39:22Do you know, like...
39:24I don't know, but we can trust him.
39:26It'll be good.
39:27Hmm.
39:28Now then, admit it.
39:31How sexy did you find me robbing that shop?
39:34Come on.
39:37You know you did.
39:39Did not.
39:40You did.
39:41Did not.
39:42You loved it.
39:43No!
39:50Debbie!
39:51Liz says you're up here, is that right?
40:02Debbie?
40:03Debbie?
40:08Debbie, love.
40:09I've told her tonight, Alfred Barnard!
40:12Jesus fucking Christ!
40:13Of course you stood right there!
40:15Bloody terrifying!
40:16Stop!
40:17Stop being Alfred Barnard for a minute!
40:19I know it's you!
40:20Oi!
40:21Liz has told me that you've demanded to move in here a little bit.
40:25Demanded?!
40:26Why are you still doing the voice?
40:28Listen, she told me that you're like a crazy woman in an attic.
40:32Are you listening?
40:33The only time she ever sees you is when you want sustenance.
40:35And to the best of her knowledge, you've been in this fucking room for three bloody weeks.
40:39Is that true?
40:40She likes to talk, doesn't she, Miss Jones?
40:43Yeah, but listen, I'm worried about you, Davey.
40:46I've stayed in the crow's nest before.
40:48It fucking sucks!
40:49Did you know that that television console has only got free view?
40:53Right.
40:54I've spent my days watching reruns of A Place in the Sun.
40:57Ooh.
40:58One couple wanted to sell their house in Burnley and relocate to Fuerteventura.
41:04Imagine the idiocy.
41:05What's going on?
41:06What the fuck's happened?
41:09Somebody made it abundantly clear that they wanted me dead.
41:15I can smell your balls from it.
41:20I'm sorry, dude.
41:21You haven't been showering.
41:22I had a flannel wash this morning.
41:24Thank you very much.
41:25Come on.
41:26We're going for a drive.
41:27You can tell me what's going on.
41:28And Donna had scurried off back to Liverpool with a tail between her legs.
41:38And I was feeling very proud of myself.
41:40McCann, dead.
41:42Me, in Manalido's mansion, ruling the roost.
41:46I was the king of the fucking world.
41:49And then, one night, I woke up and I could feel something wet in the bed alongside me.
41:57And I was thinking, what in the earth can that be?
42:00I'm alone in bed.
42:02What could be wet down there?
42:04Oh, fucking hell, what was it?
42:07You've seen The Godfather?
42:08Yeah.
42:09I assume with the horse's head?
42:10You're a joke.
42:11It wasn't a fuck.
42:12Was it that?
42:13No.
42:14Oh.
42:15Worse.
42:17Oh, Donna.
42:18No.
42:19No one give a shit about that.
42:21No.
42:22It was.
42:24Oh.
42:25Oh, fuck me, the exotic zoo.
42:26Yes, correct, Vincent.
42:27Shit.
42:28There was a note telling me that if I didn't leave that evening, then it would be my head
42:41in my mother's bed.
42:42Shit.
42:43Shit indeed, sweetheart.
42:45I'm not ashamed to say it, it shook me.
42:48Do you know who it was?
42:50It was that cross-dressing cunt, Kittens.
42:53Oh.
42:54Revenge for McCann.
42:56And why did I get McCann killed?
42:59Hmm?
43:00For you.
43:01To help you.
43:02And now, look, comes back to haunt me.
43:05Well, I mean, it suited you down to the fucking ground, innit?
43:08I know.
43:09Him being dead.
43:10What's that?
43:11That's Demi Shrewsos.
43:12Who the fuck's that?
43:13Demi Shrewsos.
43:14Who the fuck's that?
43:15Demi Shrewsos.
43:16It's my mother's favourite.
43:17Who the fuck did you tell were you?
43:18I haven't told anyone we're up here, you fucking nutcase.
43:19No.
43:20Jesus, what's wrong with you?
43:21This is how it ends.
43:22On a cold, lonely road.
43:23With you.
43:24About my side.
43:25Oh, quick.
43:26We'd better run.
43:27He's a man on his way home.
43:28He's just a random dickhead.
43:29Vincent!
43:30Vincent!
43:31Vincent!
43:32Get inside.
43:34Oh, quick.
43:35Give up.
43:36He's a man on his way home.
43:37He's just a random dickhead.
43:38Vincent!
43:39Vincent!
43:40Quick!
43:54Once, get inside.
43:56and you in
44:00where have you been
44:05that is a
44:09very long story
44:11leading my boy astray
44:12what are you doing here Tomo
44:15why did you come here
44:17I sometimes wish he had never found you
44:20you should have left the past in the past
44:22you'd like that wouldn't you
44:25pretend I don't exist
44:28that's alright love
44:32your dad let the cat out of the bag
44:35why you didn't want to let me know that I had a son
44:37yeah
44:38yeah
44:40what did he say
44:41he said
44:44it's alright
44:51when you meet
44:52when you grew up back
44:55I grew up
44:55shit parents
44:57bounce round from care home to care home
44:59people have a certain way of looking at you
45:01they don't have
45:03high hopes
45:04for you
45:05and
45:07you know you go to school
45:09and careers and all that
45:10and they do the same thing
45:11you've got best condescending
45:13pat on the back
45:14but tell you basically
45:15you are fucking nothing
45:16you're nothing
45:17and you're always going to be nothing
45:19right and so you have to just sort of either
45:21fall in line
45:23without thinking
45:24or like fight fight back
45:26you know
45:27fight to
45:29prove yourself
45:31prove those dickheads wrong
45:32but if
45:33it follows you
45:35and
45:36and you know
45:38people looking down on you
45:39and thinking that you're nothing
45:40thinking that you're worthless
45:41and you're shit
45:41follows you around
45:43but I
45:44I've fucking tried
45:46I've fought really hard
45:48and
45:49right to
45:49and I'll keep fighting now
45:51for him
45:52for my lad
45:53and
45:54just prove to your dad
45:56and
45:57fucking
45:58sixteen year old you
45:59that I'm not shit actually
46:00and that I can't make something of my life
46:02okay
46:04I
46:09I
46:09I didn't tell you I was pregnant
46:12because
46:13I was scared you'd reject me
46:16I felt like I loved you
46:22and I wanted to have your child
46:25but
46:25I was scared you'd tell me to get rid of it
46:32I thought about you so much over the years
46:35and I did want to tell you but
46:38weeks turned to months and
46:41I'm glad you didn't get rid of him
46:47because he is the best thing
46:48in my whole life
46:49sorry
46:50you know
46:51you
46:55you've done
46:56fantastic job
46:57you really have
46:59god I'm sorry for all this mad shit
47:02that I've fucking got him into now
47:03you're both back safe
47:04and
47:05apart from the state of my father's car
47:08hopefully it's all done and dealt with now
47:11it is
47:13yeah it is
47:14except for the fella's hard up in the boot
47:19I'm sure you have done worse
47:40I hope your car insurance fucks you and your shit car
47:42you damn assholes
47:44I'm not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you're not sure you
48:14fucking angel an angel in woman form and speaking of which I hear that your
48:20father is an angel investor and I was wondering if maybe forgetting my briefs
48:24again if you might be able to facilitate a business discussion let's see what we
48:32can do just recovering from last night how would you like to start the day off in
48:55the sun oh no I'm not sure about that I think you find it invigorating
49:02cock okay yeah we heard what you said what you are looking for we are very
49:18open-minded people
49:29for fuck's sake I negotiated with both men he now has a membership to my club Mila
49:38you are absolute fucking superstar say to this car though eh cast you took the
49:45insurance
49:52what do you mean you go back to school just go reunion let's get smashed meet me in
49:57the science lab that body was destined to be in a leotard on a stage you like you
50:02want to hit me I was bullied a two I could get the teacher you could get mine I think
50:08have our name is about to do something really stupid
50:15I got so much trouble in my mind
50:21I got so much trouble in my mind
50:23I got so much trouble in my mind
50:27I got so much trouble in my mind
50:31give me the strength to carry on
50:35give me the strength to carry on
50:44give me the strength to carry on
50:46give me the strength to carry on
50:48give me the strength to carry on
50:51give me the strength to 하게 on
50:53give me the strength to carry on
50:54give me the strength to carry on
50:55pop on
50:57give me the strength to be
51:07so much trouble in my mind
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