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How.Are.You.Its.Alan.Partridge.S01E02
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00:00I'm Alan Partridge, and talking is what I do.
00:11It's sustained a career that's taken in TV, radio, podcasting, things on Sky,
00:16and when I parted ways with the BBC in 2022,
00:19are still doing corporate presenting work for one of the most forward-looking governments in the world.
00:24My name is Alan Partridge. I'm here to tell you about a very special product,
00:30one that flows from the teats of this wonderful beast.
00:33The glorious kingdom of Saudi Arabia enjoys a thriving camel milk sector,
00:38with products including milk, cheese, yoghurt, gelato, leban, and other derivatives.
00:44I've tried them all, and I can tell you they really are delicious. Cheers.
00:48That kind of thing? Go again? I'll do as many as you like until I have pleased you.
00:56I spent 12 months in Saudi fronting everything from happy birthday crown prince
01:00to today at the Riyadh Stock Exchange.
01:03But far from selling my mouth to the highest bidder,
01:05I talk because it makes me feel good.
01:08Which makes me wonder, could talking be the key to better mental health?
01:13Welcome to How Are You?
01:16It's Alan Partridge.
01:19How are you?
01:22The final then of the year nine 200 metres,
01:25Naismith, Velocottsin, John Atwell, Wu, and Douglas Hyde.
01:30In this series, I'm exploring the mental health of the nation
01:33in association with Flench and Son tanning centres.
01:37Today I'm lending my commentary skills
01:39to the annual sports gala at All Hallows School in Norfolk.
01:43The borders here come from a long line of stiff upper lips,
01:46and I'm wondering, has not talking about their problems ever done them any harm?
01:51Good to see a few handshakes, the firm grip of beautifully brought up boys.
01:54When they tame their marks, of course, the conviviality ends.
01:57The school motto,
01:58triumphant et invictus, never being more pertinent,
02:02Latin for triumphant and unconquered, which some see as a bit hateful,
02:06but you don't produce the leaders of tomorrow
02:08with mottos about being kind and helpful to people you don't know.
02:12And they take their marks, the Year 9 200 metre dash,
02:17sponsored by Hibiscus Wealth Management,
02:18shaping dreams, securing futures.
02:21Lesser schools use a klaxon.
02:23Here, of course, we're allowed to use a starting pistol.
02:26Safe in the knowledge, but they won't fall into the wrong hands
02:29and be used to hold up a post office and they're off!
02:32All these boys racing with each other,
02:33but they've already won the race of life by going to a fee-paying school.
02:35Douglas Hyde in the lead.
02:36Douglas Hyde looks about 25 years old,
02:38obviously post-Bubescent.
02:39Nothing wrong with that.
02:39Douglas Hyde wins the race.
02:41For the boys, it's a chance to both strive for sporting excellence
02:44and glimpse parents they've not seen since the Easter holidays.
02:48Parents who've worked up a thirst do pay a visit to the champagne tent
02:53sponsored by Jupiter Asset Management,
02:55recruiting the best and brightest for a better tomorrow.
02:59And anyone who thinks that sounds a bit stuffy,
03:02let me tell you there'll also be a live performance
03:05from five-piece school rock band Riot Shield.
03:08And they'll be performing in the Benjamin Britten Music Centre.
03:13Some see boarding school as a way of subcontracting parenting to strangers.
03:18And whilst that's literally true,
03:19what do you rather have?
03:20A mopey Joe traipsing round the house,
03:22leaving the lids off jars,
03:24or a well-connected asset who adds value to the family?
03:27Ask them what they feel,
03:29and I'm sure they'll say that feelings are something
03:31to lock in a tiffin' box under the bed,
03:32along with biscuits and letters from mum.
03:35No, they do just fine with their stiff upper lips.
03:38Our country's future is safe
03:40in the hands of these wonderful fee-paying boys.
03:43Cheers!
03:43Cheers!
03:44And how dare their parents be made to pay VAT?
03:50Personally, I love to talk,
03:52whether it's to an audience of millions
03:53or an audience of one.
03:55Here I am recording personalised messages for fans.
03:58Happy 49th birthday, Penelope!
04:01What a day!
04:02To get your decree nysi from your divorce
04:04and planning permission for your barn conversion
04:06on the same day,
04:07gotta be sweet!
04:09Hello, Sheila.
04:09I know you can't be here,
04:10but Brian's told me to show you the chickens.
04:13There's a ginger one pecking at my toe.
04:15Look at that.
04:16There's a sort of tan one.
04:17OK.
04:19That's it.
04:21100 quid.
04:22It's a nice little learner,
04:24but what's interesting is how willing people are
04:26to talk about almost any subject
04:28apart from mental health.
04:30So what does the data say?
04:32In a fascinating study by Pairtree Analytics,
04:35when asked if they found it hard to talk about their problems,
04:3875% said they did.
04:4012% said they didn't know,
04:42which is a pointless answer.
04:44And Norfolk is more affected than most
04:46with farmers feeling the least able to open up.
04:49But then who wants to spend an afternoon
04:50talking to a farmer?
04:54And yet the view among psychologists
04:56is that only if we learn to talk
04:58can we address the mental health problems that dog us.
05:01To learn more, I've come to Norwich Cathedral.
05:03I adore Norwich Cathedral.
05:05The dean rarely grants permission to film here,
05:07but I've been given special dispensation
05:09because I'm both a proud patron
05:11and the voice of the visitor's audio guide.
05:13A far cry from modern churches
05:15which look more like shoe shops or spaceships.
05:17One of several local attractions to feature my voice.
05:20Get out of the way.
05:21Including a fleet of grocery vans
05:23and the lift at Norwich Library.
05:25Second floor.
05:26Which went less well due to a milkshake repeating on me in the booth.
05:29Fourth floor.
05:30But I'm not here to educate sightseers.
05:33I've come to learn about the language of mental health.
05:36And in Dr. Marion Boyle,
05:38I'll be talking to an actual expert
05:40rather than just a confident person with a podcast.
05:43Dr. Marion.
05:45Thanks so much, Van.
05:46Shush!
05:47You're glaring at me,
05:48but I'm not being rude
05:49because that's the name of your new book, isn't it?
05:51That's right.
05:51It's called Shush!
05:53Finding Placid Amid the Noise and the Haste.
05:55And it's really just an exploration
05:57into our mental health and our well-being.
06:00Yes, because mental health can mean different things
06:02to different people, can't it?
06:03From anxiety disorders right through to dissociative conditions
06:06such as paranoid schizophrenia.
06:08Well, that's a very good way of putting it.
06:09Thank you. I've got it off the internet.
06:11We should be looking after our minds
06:13in the same way that we look after our bodies.
06:15If you have indigestion, you can pop a Rennie.
06:18But when it comes to this,
06:20you can't just go to the bathroom cabinet,
06:22take out some mental cream and rub it on your head.
06:25Well, no, of course.
06:25But what we do have is antidepressants.
06:28Oh, yeah, I've forgotten about those.
06:29Are they any good?
06:30Well, they can be.
06:31But, of course, you do make a very good point.
06:32Cheers.
06:33Which is that up until recently,
06:35some of the language surrounding mental health and well-being
06:38hasn't always been very helpful.
06:40What were once medical terms are now words
06:41you would only ever use to a learner driver.
06:45Imbecile.
06:46Lunatic.
06:46And up until very recently,
06:48we used to use the word idiot as a clinical term.
06:51I mean, it's horrific to think that a GP
06:54could have called you into his surgery,
06:56sat you down and said,
06:57the results have come back.
06:58They're not what we would have hoped.
07:00There's no easy way of putting this,
07:02but I'm sorry to have to tell you, you're an idiot.
07:05Of course, and that's why the terminology is so, so important.
07:08OCD, ADHD, bipolar,
07:11and it is just to get rid of that stigma, if you like.
07:14Absolutely, and not before time.
07:15Time was when OCD would be house-proud or fussy.
07:19ADHD would have been ants in the pants.
07:22Bipolar disorder would have been moody.
07:25When my assistant has her panic attacks,
07:27I think most people would say,
07:29she's flapping or in the tis.
07:32Do you mind me saying that you don't blink?
07:34It had been a useful meeting with the doctor,
07:37even though I later found out her book was self-published
07:40and she'd got her degree from the University of Central Lancashire.
07:45How are you?
07:49So that's the theory.
07:50But does talking really help us surmount problems?
07:54Time to put it to the test in a familiar high-stress situation.
07:58What you're about to watch is a controlled experiment.
08:01I'm with my assistant.
08:02She's an unskilled worker in her early 70s
08:04in the middle to low-income bracket.
08:07She's of sound mind, in good health,
08:09and not under the influence of any prescription medication,
08:12apart from something for IBS and cod liver oil
08:15as a rearguard action against arthritis.
08:18But nothing for anxiety.
08:20We both agreed we wouldn't want to compromise her concentration.
08:22Relax your jaw.
08:28My assistant, whose driving style is best described as flustered hesitancy,
08:32will be taking the short drive into Norwich twice.
08:34Down into second.
08:35The first with me talking about the flaws in her driving,
08:37the second in silence.
08:39And punch your teeth.
08:41Which will prove fastest.
08:42Easy, easy, tiger.
08:49Yeah, that wasn't bad, was it?
08:51You're a little too heavy on the throttle,
08:54a little too heavy on the brake.
08:55You do suffer from pedal panic.
08:58That's the thing.
08:59Remember, it's a three-pedal dance.
09:01Be in harmony with the car.
09:02The Japanese have a word for it,
09:04but I can't remember what it is.
09:06You can pop her into third, if you want.
09:09I was just doing that.
09:10You're panicking, Lynn.
09:13Breathe.
09:14You're allowed to breathe.
09:17Wrong lane.
09:18Sometimes I feel like I'm a driving examiner, you know.
09:22When I want you to do an emergency stop,
09:23I will tap the dash.
09:24What the f*** are you doing?
09:27After a frank exchange of views and a muttered apology,
09:30we continued the drive and reached Norwich.
09:35This time, rather than expressing myself,
09:38I'll be keeping silent and comparing the difference.
09:42And while the atmosphere was markedly more frosty,
09:45what would it mean for her time?
09:48Oh, that's interesting.
09:49The drive had been quicker than when I'd been providing guidance,
09:52but that may have been just her trying to make a point,
09:54which sadly voids the experiment.
09:56What the f*** she's doing?
10:01How are you?
10:06In 2023, I sunk a large portion of my savings
10:10into a start-up that generates AI video.
10:15Yet prompted to show Alan Partridge in a yurt with Carol Vorderman,
10:19or Alan Partridge flies a jetpack over Norfolk,
10:22the results are incredibly poor.
10:24The company whose software struggles to animate movement
10:27and is unable to do hands
10:29was named one to watch
10:31in the business pages of the Norwich Gazette.
10:34But AI is a useful metaphor
10:36for what each of us do in our own lives,
10:38artificially generating different versions of ourselves
10:41to pass off as the real thing.
10:43There's business Alan,
10:44tough Alan,
10:45sexy Alan,
10:46grandad Alan,
10:46beefy Alan,
10:47beefy Alan,
10:47cool Alan,
10:48top gun Alan,
10:48jet set Alan,
10:49cardigan Alan,
10:50chef Alan,
10:50judo Alan,
10:51Alan Alan,
10:52Alan Alan Alan Alan Alan Alan Alan
10:54and there are more Alans.
10:56Oh,
10:57Macadar.
10:58At home with my neighbour and lover Katrina,
11:00I tend to be laid back Alan,
11:02shooting the breeze at my tripedal breakfast bar
11:05and helping out where I can.
11:07If you're filling your car up later,
11:09can you do mine as well?
11:10You want me to drive my car to a petrol station
11:12and then do the same with yours?
11:15Might as well.
11:16Yeah,
11:16I'm there anyway,
11:17aren't I?
11:18But you'll have to go back.
11:19Leave it.
11:20But to get to the heart of who we really are,
11:22experts say the key is to talk about our feelings.
11:26So how do we do it?
11:28For taciturn,
11:29emotionally stunted people,
11:31e.g. from Eton or Scotland,
11:34speaking about your emotions can be a daunting experience.
11:37One useful exercise is to talk about something else,
11:41be it cookery or soccer or the Second World War.
11:44After time,
11:45you'll develop a muscle memory for chat,
11:47at which point you can jump off
11:48and tell people why you're so fed up.
11:51One man I know
11:52went from speaking about cathedrals
11:54to his erectile dysfunction
11:56in about four minutes,
11:57and that's the quickest I've seen it done.
11:59To try this idea out,
12:00I'm heading to a book group,
12:02although I've arrived slightly late
12:03because the woman now showing me in
12:05gave me the wrong postcode.
12:07Hello, everyone.
12:07Joining our group just for today.
12:09Hi.
12:09While men enjoy reading books,
12:11women enjoy talking about them.
12:12It's a sociable and collegiate way
12:14to boost their well-being
12:15while finding out
12:16if they like the book they've just read.
12:18This week,
12:19Small Things Like These by Claire Keegan.
12:21No relation to Kevin,
12:23which I skim read in the car.
12:24She wrong-foots you, though, doesn't she?
12:27Like, showing the brutality
12:29of the Magdalene laundries
12:31through the eyes of a man.
12:33I thought,
12:34hmm, I'm not sure about that.
12:35Bit of a bold choice.
12:37That is bold.
12:38I did think there was a sweetness to it, though.
12:40The Christmas bit
12:41where they're decorating the...
12:42Tree.
12:43No, it's the cake.
12:44It is the cake.
12:45I just wanted to reach into the book
12:47and hug her.
12:48They're like Bridget Jones,
12:51but turbocharged.
12:53Yeah, probably what you meant to say
12:55is Bridget Jones,
12:56but supercharged
12:57rather than turbocharged,
12:59because that way you eliminate the turbo lag.
13:02But I absolutely get the gist
13:03of what you ladies are trying to say.
13:05I know you're not a lady.
13:06You understood what I meant, didn't you?
13:08Yeah, turbo lag.
13:09Turbo lag, precisely, yeah.
13:11To my surprise,
13:12I found talking about books
13:13immensely enjoyable,
13:15and I soon found myself fully engaged
13:17despite the fact
13:18that it had been a long day.
13:19I thought it was more of a novella
13:20than a novel,
13:21but all the same,
13:21I didn't feel shortchanged by the story.
13:24Pardon me?
13:25You're absolutely right there, Susan.
13:27I would agree.
13:27I felt...
13:28While these bookworms
13:30might look like they're just discussing novels,
13:32but a regular attendee
13:33will see a different dynamic at play,
13:35one in which Cynthia
13:37gets to flex the grey matter,
13:38which lies dormant
13:39when she's around her estate agent husband,
13:42and Susan gets to forget
13:43all about her drink-drive conviction
13:45in which a police horse died.
13:47And, yeah, she's doing fine.
13:52What do you do
13:52in a woman's book group?
13:54I just haven't read this.
13:56It's a great book.
13:57You read it?
13:58Yeah.
13:58It's good.
13:59It's a good book.
14:01You?
14:02Um...
14:06Yeah.
14:09So what are we going to read next week,
14:10do you think, guys?
14:11Do you have any suggestions?
14:13Yes.
14:13Ice Station Zebra
14:14by Alistair MacLean.
14:16It's about a Russian submarine
14:18with nuclear warheads
14:19hidden beneath the polar ice caps,
14:21and you'd think,
14:22that's crazy,
14:23but it was later discovered
14:24that there was
14:26a Soviet submarine
14:28hidden beneath the polar ice caps
14:30with nuclear warheads,
14:31and so you think,
14:33well, did Alistair MacLean
14:34predict the future
14:35or did the Russians read
14:36Ice Station Zebra
14:38and think,
14:38let's do,
14:39that's a good idea,
14:41but when you think about
14:44how the Soviets
14:45nearly destroyed the world,
14:47it makes a shiver
14:48go down your spine.
14:49Does it make a shiver
14:50go down your women's spines?
14:51I relish the chance to talk,
14:54but the important thing
14:55about any social event
14:56is knowing just
14:57the right time to leave.
14:58You all right?
14:59Yeah, I just think
15:00if you're going to run a book group,
15:01you have a moral duty
15:03to tell people
15:04you're going to provide white wine
15:05so they don't turn up
15:06with an empty stomach.
15:08Well, you know,
15:08just do some sandwiches.
15:11Stupid burgers.
15:12But what if talking
15:20isn't the answer?
15:21What if the best way
15:22to process your feelings
15:23isn't to be grown up about it,
15:25but to do the opposite?
15:27After all,
15:27children don't sit around
15:28talking about their feelings,
15:30yet you don't see
15:31depressed eight-year-olds
15:32staring at women
15:33in hotel bars.
15:35Instead,
15:36they play.
15:38To explore this further,
15:39I've come to the estate
15:40I grew up on,
15:41where childhood friend
15:42Jez Chaudry,
15:43who's thinking about
15:44getting a bigger house number,
15:46has agreed to spend
15:46the afternoon with me
15:47for the fee.
15:48Shall I come in?
15:48Shall I come in?
15:49Shall I come in?
15:50Shall I come in?
15:51Um, yeah.
15:52I've asked you five times, then.
15:54They say,
15:55show me a seven-year-old boy
15:56and I'll show you the man.
15:58Although there's got to be
15:59a better way of phrasing that.
16:01That man was me,
16:03and I wanted to rediscover him.
16:05And so we set off
16:06on vintage cycles,
16:08hired in an ironic way
16:09by Shoreditch Millennials,
16:11but which we were able
16:12to enjoy at face value.
16:13I was keen to reminisce
16:15about the freedom
16:15and hijinks of our salad days,
16:17but in the end couldn't
16:18because Jez wanted to tell me
16:20about how interesting
16:20his job was.
16:22I'm in digital marketing
16:23for Pfizer.
16:24Yeah, I love it.
16:24Yeah, I've got a great team.
16:26Licensed to develop
16:27digital marketing strategy,
16:28but also individual campaigns.
16:30When he was a child,
16:31he wanted to be an astronaut.
16:33But maybe the happiness
16:34I experienced when I was seven
16:35exists only in my mind.
16:37In fact, life wasn't always rosy.
16:40I was punched on three occasions
16:41outside a chip shop
16:42by a 13-year-old girl.
16:44I think this is her now.
16:46Or this.
16:48Do you remember Mickey
16:49has stabilizers on his bike
16:51even when he was 12?
16:53Softie.
16:54Mickey.
16:55Yeah.
16:56He still lives around here.
16:57Yeah?
16:59Yeah.
16:59So did Bill Pinson.
17:00He's gone now.
17:01Quite a few of our cars
17:02have gone now.
17:03Yeah.
17:03There was about six of them
17:04in a row.
17:05It was, uh,
17:08cancer, cancer, stroke,
17:09cancer, suicide, choked.
17:11Yeah.
17:13I think Bill just fell over,
17:14didn't he?
17:14Oh, you heard about that?
17:15Yeah.
17:16I was invited to the funeral,
17:17but it clashed with the, uh,
17:18clashed with the National TV Awards,
17:20so.
17:20Wow, you were at
17:21the National TV Awards?
17:22No, I was just
17:22watching it on TV,
17:24but, uh, yeah.
17:25It's a shame,
17:25because he was a nice guy.
17:27Big heart.
17:28Yeah, big heart,
17:29big portions.
17:31Jess, do you ever look back
17:32on those days and think,
17:33you know,
17:33maybe we were happier then?
17:35Sometimes, yeah.
17:37Lying on grass
17:38where sunlight dapples,
17:40enjoying apples
17:41and boyish grapples
17:42on those forever afternoons.
17:45That's really nice.
17:46It's nice.
17:47Grazy knees
17:48and rows of cheek,
17:49we'd ride our bikes
17:50up to the creek.
17:52Trousers short,
17:52but days so long
17:54on those
17:56forever afternoons.
17:58Then Bill said bye,
18:00but why, we cry.
18:02Tis late, Bill sighed,
18:03but soon we'll ride
18:05on another
18:05forever afternoon.
18:07A few minutes more,
18:08oh, let's explore
18:09till ten past four
18:11when bums are sore
18:12on this forever afternoon.
18:14And when next
18:15we came to call on Bill,
18:17his mother's eyes
18:18began to fill.
18:21Where's Bill, said I.
18:23She began to sigh.
18:25Bill went off to die.
18:26But why?
18:29Because 50 years
18:30went by.
18:32Oh, what we'd give
18:33to see Bill live.
18:35We'd knock on doors,
18:37then ride in fours.
18:38Pedals without a cause.
18:41One more
18:41forever afternoons.
18:43Oh, shit,
18:43I don't know why I wrote it.
18:44You're just going to leave
18:46that there?
18:47No, I'll pick it up.
18:48But no recreation
18:50of the good old days
18:51would be complete
18:51without our other
18:52childhood friend,
18:53Mickey Allsop.
18:54You all right?
18:55Yeah, I'm fine.
18:56I was doing a wheelie.
18:58This is the wrong house.
18:59I think it's this one.
19:00Yeah, I know.
19:13Hi, Mrs. Allsop.
19:16Is Mickey in?
19:17He's in the other room.
19:18Oh, right.
19:20Is he watching TV?
19:22He's doing his account.
19:24Of course you're his wife.
19:26Okay, tell him
19:27we'll be down on the green
19:29if he's got to join us
19:31in about half an hour.
19:32It's just sort of a reunion.
19:35Yeah, tell him
19:36to where he's trained us.
19:37Thanks.
19:39And so for a fleeting moment
19:41we were seven again
19:42when the dreams we had
19:44as children were still possible.
19:46Maybe you will join NASA.
19:48Maybe you should become
19:50the chairman of ICI.
19:51Maybe you can marry your cousin.
20:17So, uh, what do you want to do now?
20:19We were just saying
20:20we might go for a pint
20:21if you fancy joining us.
20:22I'm not sure.
20:23I might cycle around a bit more.
20:24I heard some lads saying
20:25they were building a ramp.
20:27Might go and check it out.
20:28Oh, if you change your mind.
20:30Nah.
20:31How are your parents?
20:32They're both dead.
20:33Ah, yeah.
20:34And yours?
20:35Same.
20:36Yeah, mine too.
20:36See ya!
20:37But one last forever afternoon
20:41had made me realise
20:43not only that I should make my poem,
20:45Song for the Biker Boys,
20:46available as a free download
20:47for private schools,
20:49but also that reaching out
20:51and talking
20:51have brought me
20:52real mental health benefits.
20:54And now,
20:58having found my voice,
20:59I'm going to use it for good.
21:01I'm going to take that voice
21:02and put it into the mouth
21:03of someone who needs it
21:04more than I do.
21:05A woman.
21:06Because for too long,
21:07people like me
21:08have put the men into mental
21:10and the he into health.
21:12Well, not anymore.
21:15I've had my run-ins
21:16with Mumsnet,
21:17but it remains a great way
21:18to find women with a grievance.
21:20While browsing one day,
21:21I was touched
21:21by the story
21:22of a woman dismissed
21:23by her employer
21:24when she'd raised
21:24her mental concerns.
21:26So I arranged to meet her
21:27in some remote woodland.
21:30Leona,
21:30I want to take you back
21:32to a very painful time.
21:33It's summer 2023.
21:36Britain is sweltering
21:37in record temperatures.
21:38HS2 has just been cancelled.
21:40Correctly, in my view.
21:41Why would you want
21:42to get to the north quicker?
21:43And for Leona Maguire,
21:45that's you,
21:46you've just landed
21:47your dream job
21:48as an administrator
21:49for CXG Technologies.
21:52Tell me what happened.
21:53Well, I'm not a very loud person.
21:55Just do speak up a little.
21:56OK, I'm not very outgoing
21:57and they were very demanding.
22:00They were sort of
22:00that ex-public school type,
22:03very sort of full of themselves.
22:05And I imagine
22:05for a quiet woman like you,
22:06and you are quiet,
22:07really quiet,
22:09I can imagine
22:10that abrasive,
22:12underqualified,
22:13overconfident,
22:14I want to say twattery,
22:16must have been
22:17quite overwhelming.
22:18Well, yeah,
22:19I started to struggle
22:20with anxiety
22:21and then I missed the odd day
22:23and, of course,
22:23the bosses didn't like that.
22:24Yes, they do try
22:25and speak up a little bit.
22:26OK, sorry,
22:26and then they gave me
22:28all these reasons,
22:29but I just think
22:30that they couldn't
22:30be bothered with me.
22:31Yeah, and that's not on
22:32because I'm an employer,
22:34I have staff,
22:35and sometimes she's unwell
22:37or has a personal issue
22:39and obviously your first thought
22:40is, oh, great,
22:41looks like I'm picking up
22:42my own dry cleaning then.
22:43But as an employer,
22:45you have a duty of care.
22:46So you say,
22:47all right,
22:47take the day off,
22:48just come in early tomorrow
22:49to make up the time you lost,
22:50but they didn't do that.
22:52No, no,
22:52they called me in
22:53and they told me
22:54that my services
22:55were no longer required,
22:56even though the week before
22:58I had asked to speak
22:59to a counsellor.
23:00And they definitely heard you?
23:01Yeah,
23:02but when I asked them
23:03if that was the reason why,
23:05they didn't really elaborate.
23:06Well,
23:07they're going to elaborate today,
23:08Leona,
23:08because I'm going to
23:09bang some heads together.
23:10In fact,
23:10I'm going to bang
23:11so many heads together,
23:12it's going to be like
23:13human conkers.
23:14You ready?
23:14I think so.
23:15All right,
23:16remember volume.
23:17Do you have conkers in Ireland?
23:21Okay,
23:22now,
23:22this is
23:23your story.
23:25All right,
23:26so I'll go over there
23:27and pin them down
23:27and then
23:28you give that speech,
23:29everything you said
23:30in that incredibly moving voicemail.
23:33Oh,
23:33I wasn't sure
23:34that you got that.
23:34Yeah,
23:35I just didn't reply.
23:37Okay,
23:37well,
23:38the hardest thing
23:39was coming home
23:40with no job
23:40and telling my son
23:42that Disneyland
23:42had been cancelled.
23:43Okay,
23:44now make it personal.
23:45Use his name.
23:45What's his name?
23:46Tig.
23:47Tig?
23:48Yes.
23:48Yeah,
23:48don't use his name.
23:49Okay,
23:50well,
23:50he's being very brave
23:51and...
23:52No,
23:52no,
23:52don't say he's brave.
23:53You're brave.
23:54He's broken.
23:55And what are you not going to do?
23:57Erm,
23:58speak quietly.
23:59Pardon?
23:59Speak quietly.
24:00What else aren't you going to do?
24:02Be bullied.
24:03Finally!
24:03Time for the sting.
24:06Wearing a hidden camera
24:08disguised as a standard dental brooch,
24:10I'm infiltrating an investor open day.
24:13And you're going to see
24:13why I set up this company.
24:15A public showdown
24:16designed to achieve
24:17maximum embarrassment
24:18for this guy.
24:19The man who sacked Leona,
24:21smug CEO,
24:23Craig Gardner,
24:25wearing what people like him
24:26call a gilet
24:27and people like me
24:28call a body warmer.
24:30Within the next four years,
24:31maybe even sooner.
24:32I wanted to ask about
24:33the recently discontinued
24:34LM unit.
24:36The LM unit?
24:37Yeah,
24:37it was a multifunctional appliance,
24:39just didn't realise
24:39it was disposable.
24:41Now,
24:41I'm not aware of the LM unit.
24:43There's one over there.
24:44Come on.
24:44LM,
24:45Leona Maguire.
24:46OK,
24:46got it.
24:47Yeah,
24:47you decommissioned the unit
24:48earlier this year.
24:50Threw in a skip
24:50with a load of hard drives
24:51in the bottom half
24:52of a shop dummy.
24:53I'd welcome you to...
24:53Do you normally terminate
24:54people's employment
24:55without due process?
24:56Don't talk over me
24:57just because you went
24:58to public school.
24:59You know,
24:59you may be able to drown out
25:00a timid woman
25:01with a thin voice.
25:01Not so easy
25:02when it's a promotional broadcaster,
25:03is it?
25:04We've tried the switchboard already.
25:06Her name is Leona Maguire.
25:07You know who she is.
25:08You see,
25:08I can talk and listen
25:09at the same time.
25:10It comes from having
25:10talk back in my air
25:11whilst presenting live TV.
25:12I can go on all afternoon.
25:16You know,
25:16it doesn't matter
25:16how many fancy websites
25:18you have
25:18or high-tech
25:20computer backpacks
25:22or whatever it is.
25:22It's a jet suit.
25:25What,
25:25like a jet pack?
25:26We prefer to say jet suits.
25:28Wow.
25:29What,
25:29can these actually fly?
25:32Yeah.
25:34My son Tighe
25:35has been broken
25:36by this.
25:36Yeah,
25:36she's a very brave woman.
25:38Do you need
25:38specialist skills
25:39to operate it,
25:40or...?
25:41You can pick it up
25:41in a couple of hours.
25:43Huh.
25:43What,
25:47me?
25:48A tete-a-tete
25:49with Leona
25:50confirmed what
25:51I already knew,
25:52that this was something
25:53I had to do
25:54to give her story
25:55the hearing it deserved.
25:56Now,
25:57do you think
25:57if I put on
25:58one of these
25:58so-called jet packs
25:59I'll help shine a light
26:00on people like you?
26:04I don't know.
26:05Because I think
26:05it will.
26:07I just don't
26:08see what that has to do
26:09with it.
26:09Yeah,
26:10but otherwise
26:10all you've got
26:10is middle-aged woman
26:11gets the sack.
26:12You introduce
26:13the jet pack
26:14and bam,
26:14you've got to...
26:15You see?
26:16Do you see now
26:16how I'm trying
26:17to help you?
26:20Yeah.
26:20Right,
26:20good.
26:21Let's get the jet pack!
26:24Okay.
26:25Has Dan Snow
26:26had a go at this?
26:27No.
26:28Good,
26:28good.
26:29And Ben Fogel?
26:30No.
26:30Great.
26:32So if Fogel
26:33or Snow
26:33get in touch,
26:34just delay getting
26:35back to them
26:35so that it doesn't
26:36actually happen.
26:38Okay,
26:39I'm ready to fly.
26:42And while my microphone
26:43may have caught
26:44some gentle exuberance,
26:45women's mental health
26:46was never far
26:47from my mind.
26:52Oh!
26:54That is
26:55absolutely awesome!
26:58Absolutely awesome!
27:04Oh,
27:04that's for these costs.
27:06Can I tell you something?
27:07I've definitely
27:08got one of these.
27:09sell your house,
27:14sell the kids,
27:15but get one
27:16before they ban it
27:17because I'll tell you
27:17what they say!
27:23Producing throttle
27:24for controlled descent
27:25onto Range Rover Roof.
27:28Ladder required.
27:30Well,
27:30for Leona,
27:31it's very much
27:31mission accomplished.
27:32My flight drew attention
27:33to her plight,
27:34in that regard
27:35very much
27:35a plight flight.
27:37But it was whilst
27:37I was airborne,
27:38flying like an eagle,
27:40I realised
27:40the weightlessness
27:41I felt from jet propulsion
27:43was nothing compared
27:44to the weightlessness
27:45we all feel
27:46when we unburden ourselves,
27:48let our feelings out,
27:49Jesus!
27:50and just talk.
27:51Goodbye.
27:51Bye!
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