- 15 hours ago
How.Are.You.Its.Alan.Partridge.S01E01
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00:00Welcome to this time.
00:07Jesus Christ.
00:08Well, we do need to hear viewers.
00:10I am hopping mad, and I want something in the middle.
00:13I don't like Julian Fellowes.
00:15I just don't like it.
00:16Is it snowing where you are?
00:17Do you like fireworks?
00:19What's your favorite soup?
00:20Who gives a shit?
00:21When I parted ways with the BBC after delivering a few home truths,
00:26people thought it was the end of the road.
00:27And they could not have been more wrong.
00:32I'm Alan Partridge, and when I want a proper breakfast,
00:34I head down to one of the six Hungry House pubs in the North Norfolk region.
00:38For a limited time only, there's 20% off all breakfast items.
00:41So that's steak, egg and chips, £6.99.
00:43Sausage, eggs and chips, £5.99.
00:45Gammon, egg and chips, £4.99.
00:47Gammon and egg, £3.99.
00:49Egg and chips, £2.99.
00:50Here I am lending my voice to Hungry House pubs
00:53in exchange for a hefty fee plus VIP card
00:56entitling the bearer to a free breakfast for him and four friends.
01:00We've got Carling, £4.99.
01:02Carlsberg, £4.99.
01:03Foster's, £4.99.
01:05Strongbow, £4.99.
01:06John Smith's, £4.98.
01:08And special offer just this week, Carlsberg wine and eggs
01:11for an unbeatable £9.99.
01:14Whether you like them scrambled, poached, fried, boiled, broiled, coddled or runny,
01:17get there before 8am and you can get an extra egg free worth £9.9.
01:21The early bird gets the egg.
01:25Good? Happy? Great.
01:28Although better known as a TV presenter,
01:30I don't actually do that anymore
01:32but find a steady stream of Norfolk-based corporate work just as fulfilling.
01:36That's one of the most information-laden scripts
01:39I've read in quite some time.
01:40So pass the best on to the copywriter.
01:42He's got a great feature ahead of him.
01:43Awesome information.
01:44Great energy.
01:45So, as you can see, life is good.
01:47Shouldn't it be the early bird gets the worm?
01:49Well, the early bird lays the egg.
01:51Yes, I was thinking that but not our problem.
01:53It's not our problem.
01:54And yet something is bothering me.
01:56Allow me to explain.
02:06Britain is being pursued by an invisible enemy
02:08from which there is no escape.
02:11Like a bad dream, it's as if we're running in slow motion
02:14even though we can actually run quite fast.
02:18No one is safe from the invisible monster
02:20they call mental health.
02:25Stress is weighing you down.
02:27You're troubled by anxiety.
02:28Always in a mood.
02:29It's unbelievable.
02:32For many of us, mental health is as far down the agenda
02:35as the whole sex change debate.
02:37But Britain is in crisis.
02:38Without swift action, our minds will...
02:40Agh.
02:52Implode.
02:54And yet no one has done anything about it.
02:57Until now.
02:59Which is why, in Britain's first ever documentary
03:02about mental health...
03:03Mental health.
03:04I'm stopping...
03:05Go.
03:05Crouching down and asking,
03:08How are you?
03:09It's Alan Partridge.
03:12In association with Flench & Son Tanning Centres
03:16for a different kind of brown.
03:21So why me and why now?
03:24Promoting mental health might not be cool or trendy,
03:27but I happen to believe in using my platform to help others.
03:31A staunch ally of the persecuted,
03:33I champion women and genuinely believe that black lives matter.
03:38Only declining to take the knee on the advice of my physio
03:41and all of my friends.
03:43Right back behind the barrier...
03:44And I support other minorities too
03:46by volunteering at a local fox hunt for Sir Robert Peverell.
03:49It's not a public right-of-way.
03:51It is a permissive walkway.
03:52The only reason you're allowed here
03:53is because Sir Robert has kindly allowed you.
03:55Why is he a mate of yours?
03:56No, I've never met him.
03:57So what are you picking him up for?
03:58Horses and hounds through, please.
04:00Because fox hunters are a minority too,
04:03whose religion is to stop foxes murdering chickens
04:05by using dogs to murder foxes.
04:07Where's your TV career?
04:08It's that...
04:09Right behind the barriers, please.
04:11And there'll be those who carp and criticise,
04:14saying a man like me has no business discussing mental health.
04:17And sure, on the face of it, my life is pretty great.
04:20I've got a large house, a good local name recognition,
04:23and my partner Katrina is one of the fittest women over 40 in Norfolk.
04:27As seen here in this photo shoot for Norfolk Life magazine.
04:31And yet, even I am not immune.
04:34Scratch beneath my surface, and the picture changes.
04:38Today, bravely, I can reveal that I too have mental health problems.
04:45Problems that erupted six months ago in the most public forum imaginable.
04:50For four years, it's been my honour to host the annual sales event
04:54of the most revered name in Norfolk agribusiness.
04:58Imagine the future now.
05:01Imagine a new horizon.
05:04One that dares to ask,
05:05are we giving our animals the nourishment they deserve?
05:09Welcome to Batonroyd Pig and Cow Feed.
05:13Yeah! Come on!
05:15In the world of high-volume feed pellets,
05:18these guys are the best of the best.
05:20Hansing overall carcass quality.
05:22No pigs grow bigger than Batonroyd pigs.
05:25Conventional feed introduces nitrogen in an animal's waste,
05:29poisoning our soil.
05:31But what if amino acids could be introduced?
05:34Sorry, can I just stop you there for a second?
05:36Is anyone here actually deaf?
05:38Yeah, I mean, yeah, as I thought.
05:40Thank you, but go.
05:41Reaching a live audience of 100 and an online audience of thousands,
05:45it is one of the most illustrious presenting opportunities in UK media.
05:49Claire, if your father could see you now as you pledge
05:53to raise out completely the feeding of animals to other animals by 2065,
05:59he would be proud of you.
06:00This woman, this woman, she makes butchers happy.
06:06And as I began the event set-piece interview...
06:08What a year in store for Batonroyd.
06:10It was clear I was doing my job well.
06:13When I hear about how excited the management team are,
06:17it's infectious.
06:18And I don't mean like foot and mouth or BSE,
06:21but certainly a kind of bird flu of enthusiasm.
06:25Until out of the blue,
06:27I fainted.
06:29Alan?
06:31Twice.
06:32Within hours, I'd become a figure of fun with a Thai YouTuber
06:35even referring to me as Lady Lapfaint Man.
06:39I was told by St John's Ambulance Man,
06:41who was well below average height,
06:43that it was low blood sugar.
06:44And in my confusion,
06:45I found myself going along with the little fella.
06:47I only had one Weetabix this morning.
06:49But as the days went by,
06:51something began to dawn on me.
06:52I had eaten breakfast that day.
06:54I'd had bacon, bread and beans and butter.
06:57And having recently passed a medical exam at a canoeing centre
06:59with flying colours,
07:01I knew I was in good shape.
07:03There was only one plausible explanation.
07:06I had a mental health problem.
07:09My mind is not feeling very well.
07:11The stinging nettle.
07:17A reminder that whilst some balk at the idea
07:19of us confronting our mental health crisis,
07:21others believe we need to be bolder.
07:24For like the nettle,
07:25if we brush lightly against it,
07:26we're liable to get stung.
07:27But if we have the courage to grasp the nettle,
07:29then we'll all be better off.
07:32And I intend to start by grasping
07:33the stingiest nettle of all,
07:35as I ask,
07:36how big is the UK's mental health crisis?
07:40And where better to start
07:42than on the streets of the only city
07:43I love more than Dubai?
07:45It's Norwich.
07:46Are we rolling?
07:47Oh, hello, ladies.
07:48Can I ask you a question?
07:49Are you happy?
07:50Very happy, thank you.
07:51Right, and are you happy?
07:53Yeah, I think so.
07:53And are you happy?
07:55I know you.
07:56We were at school together.
07:58I'm not sure about that.
07:59I was in the year above you.
08:01I don't...
08:01And you asked me out.
08:03No, I didn't.
08:04I wouldn't ask you out.
08:04Yeah, yeah.
08:05Do you know,
08:06I've a good mind to say yes this time.
08:08I never asked you out.
08:11Oh, but to answer your question,
08:13yes, I'm quite happy.
08:14I've just got a brand new granddaughter.
08:17Great.
08:17She keeps me busy.
08:18I'm sure she does.
08:19Well, I mean,
08:19it keeps you occupied in your retirement.
08:22Yeah, it does.
08:23I never asked you out.
08:24And yet I wasn't sure
08:26these women were telling the truth
08:27about being happy.
08:28I didn't ask you out.
08:29Because as these testistics clearly show,
08:32mental health problems are on the rise.
08:35Plus, we already know
08:36that she lied about me asking her out.
08:38Instead, I'm off to the other side of Norwich,
08:40where, having cancelled
08:41an ear-de-waxing appointment,
08:43I'm going to hear the views
08:44of another group of people.
08:46Especially opinions openly.
08:47It should be fun.
08:48I host focus groups every few weeks.
08:50Rude, if you want to be rude.
08:51It's both a favour to my friend Max,
08:53who runs in Quisimax Market Research,
08:55and a fascinating window
08:56into the minds of the kind of people
08:58who happily eat two-pound-ready meals.
09:02Janice, I know you're dying to say something.
09:03You see, for me, a carton that size,
09:06I'd want, oh, six or seven chunks of chicken at least.
09:10I mean, I had three.
09:11Three?
09:12I mean, three chunks of chicken in a chicken corn
09:14isn't really acceptable.
09:15Yeah, no, I will tell.
09:15And you can tell them that.
09:16Yeah, I just said I would.
09:17So far, we have two salty,
09:20needs salt,
09:22would eat again,
09:23microwave broken,
09:24act cold,
09:25and, Janice,
09:26yours are simply,
09:29simply,
09:30more chunks.
09:31But today, I'm not just here for the curry.
09:34It's time to talk mental health.
09:36I want to park that for a second.
09:38New topic to ponder,
09:40mental health.
09:41Does anyone here ever feel sad,
09:44despondent?
09:45Just to go back to that chicken corner,
09:47just for a minute, though,
09:48I do actually have one more bit of feedback.
09:49I consider it a privilege
09:50to hear the views of ordinary people,
09:52whether about a subject you've already moved on from,
09:54or the one you've just asked about.
09:56And from the latter group,
09:57there are some notable observations.
09:59There is more mental health than there used to be.
10:02Mental health and mentally handicapped
10:04are different things.
10:06Ken Dodd made money from being mad.
10:08So, has anyone got any other ideas,
10:12apart from Janice,
10:13about how we might assuage those negative feelings?
10:16Colin?
10:16Makes me want to drink.
10:17What's brought this on?
10:19It's too salty.
10:20Still talking about the ready meals?
10:21Yeah.
10:22Yeah, no, we've moved on.
10:23We're talking about mental health now.
10:25OK, how do we feel now?
10:26Are there any useful takeaways?
10:27The kebab shack in the high street?
10:30No, I mean about what we've been discussing.
10:31You've got to learn to cook for yourself, Janice.
10:33Buy a pan.
10:35How are you?
10:40I've put this in larder.
10:42Leave it.
10:43It's porcelain.
10:44It's porcelain.
10:45It's cheap glazed clay made by Chinese children.
10:47Next morning with my assistant
10:49and we take stock of what my programme is trying to achieve.
10:52Although she has no editorial input whatsoever
10:55and is content to only join in non-verbally.
10:58I'm very excited about the, um, this documentary
11:01because mental health...
11:03Mm-hmm.
11:04I mean, if I can use an outdated, outmoded term,
11:07it's just gone mental.
11:08Mm-hmm.
11:08But in my quest to understand the scale of the mental health crisis,
11:12I'm off to spend time among a group
11:13who suffer from it more than most.
11:15It's funny.
11:16Most presenters would run a mile
11:18if you asked them to visit the homeless,
11:20which I think is how sport relief started.
11:22Yet I'm volunteering in a local soup kitchen
11:24to see up close, from behind a counter,
11:27what life is like for those who live free range.
11:30Five years ago, I agreed to help out one evening a month
11:33at this soup kitchen.
11:35And whilst I've had to cancel on each occasion
11:37due to unforeseen circumstances,
11:38I send along my assistant instead,
11:40and I do so free of charge.
11:42The homeless get a warm feeling from the soup.
11:44I get a warm feeling from having seconded my assistant.
11:47And, I dare say, she gets something from it too.
11:50You comfortable?
11:51And so, after putting on an apron
11:52using the spin, tuck and tie technique,
11:55favoured by both the U.S. Army Catering Corps
11:57and horrible Greg Wallace,
11:59it was down to work.
12:01You're homeless?
12:04Have some soup.
12:09You're homeless?
12:10Have some soup.
12:16Are you homeless?
12:20A little bit of soup.
12:21What are you doing?
12:22Yeah, I'm just trying to weed out the blaggers.
12:25You can just serve the soup.
12:26Yeah, I saw a guy over there in a North Face jacket.
12:30You could have got it from a charity shop.
12:32Open your eyes, mate.
12:33Jews believe chicken soup can cure depression,
12:36and so I was as keen as anyone to get soup,
12:38albeit not chicken, to these men.
12:40Even though my last experience cooking in front of the cameras
12:43on a reality TV show had really upset me.
12:46Where is the chicken?
12:47How long is the chicken?
12:48It's 20 inches.
12:50It's the time.
12:51How long for the chicken?
12:52It's for two minutes.
12:54There's no dill on it.
12:54Alan, there's no dill on these.
12:56I forgot what dill looks like.
12:57Where is the dill?
12:58I've forgotten what dill looks like.
13:00So what better place to get back on the horse than in this kitchen?
13:05Every night, the people who eat here leave warm, content and full of soup.
13:10But the soup isn't going to win any awards,
13:12unless there's an award for largest amount of soup.
13:16My ex-wife used to punish me using food.
13:19She'd make her feelings known by serving me soup in a glass of water
13:22instead of chicken and wine.
13:24And this soup reminds me of her punishment soup.
13:28But here's a trick that can really lift the soup.
13:31Pour in two pints of milk and then crumble in three OXO-style chicken cubes.
13:38Hey, presto, you've got cream of chicken soup.
13:41All near as damn it.
13:42Add a bit of crunch.
13:44Peanuts.
13:44Bash them to bits while they're still in the bag.
13:46Use anything.
13:47A rolling pin, the nearest hammer.
13:49If you've got a tramp shoe, use that.
13:52Add that in.
13:52Give it a stir.
13:55Hey, presto again.
13:57Now you've got cream of chicken pad thai-style soup.
14:00Carl, come here.
14:01Taste this.
14:03Mmm.
14:04That's good.
14:05I like that.
14:06Mmm.
14:07Is that peanut?
14:10Right, has anyone got a peanut allergy?
14:12I do.
14:14Right, you can't have any soup.
14:15Yeah.
14:16I mean, you're welcome to stay, but you must not have any of this soup.
14:20Um, yeah.
14:21You can, I hope it's just a banana sandwich.
14:24You can have two slices.
14:26And we'll allow you a fork to mash the nana.
14:30I mean, there's another soup kitchen in Ipswich.
14:32Have you got a cut?
14:33No.
14:34No.
14:34If you run, I mean, it's about 45 minutes, but I'd go now.
14:40In fact, you leave, leave now.
14:42Leave right now.
14:43How are you?
14:45How are you?
14:46No.
15:16De-stress is crucial.
15:18Me, I like to come to Norwich Market to finger its fresh produce, wander its alleyways, or
15:24today, buy costumes for an Irish friend's fancy dress party.
15:27How much for two balaclavas?
15:29The IRA ones.
15:31I often think if everywhere had a Norwich Market, there'd be a damn sight fewer mad people.
15:36You're listening to North Norfolk Digital.
15:38Yeah.
15:38I used to be on this station.
15:40It's Carl Branning now.
15:41Yeah.
15:41This was my show, actually.
15:43And his sidekick, Simon Denton, he was my sidekick.
15:46Carl's very good.
15:47Oh, yeah.
15:48Look, very talented.
15:50Got a lot of time for Carl.
15:53I mean, he's had his personal issues, but he never exposed himself on webcam to me.
15:59That's delicious.
16:00Very entertaining.
16:01Hmm.
16:02Yeah.
16:04Yeah, he got his penis out.
16:07Very smoky.
16:08I'd had a wonderful morning.
16:10Had a wonderful market.
16:11All right, Rupert?
16:13Rupert?
16:13It's Alan.
16:14Alan Partridge.
16:16Are you confusing me with someone else?
16:17If we are suffering from a mental health epidemic, it ain't round here.
16:21Lynn, how quickly can you get to Norwich Market?
16:25I don't know how it happened.
16:27I've accidentally dressed like Rupert the Bear.
16:29Of course, there's nothing wrong with looking like what, for me, is the best British cartoon bear.
16:34Because while Paddington's an illegal immigrant and Winnie the Pooh wears a T-shirt but no underpants,
16:39which raises obvious safeguarding concerns, Rupert simply looks like a West End actor.
16:44Alan Partridge is proud to be associated with Rupert the Bear.
16:49With Britain's mental health crisis so vast, how can anyone hope to tackle the issue?
16:55As I wandered my garden to record stock footage that could be inserted at any point to cover voiceover,
17:01I wondered if I should start closer to home instead of asking the nation, how are you?
17:06How about asking myself, how are I?
17:10How am I?
17:11I like to come up here sometimes, just decompress.
17:16That's where I keep keepsakes, mementos, personal items, which, after my death, will be donated to the National Archive.
17:23There's some sorts of soppy, daft stuff, really.
17:27There's a picture there of my grandchildren.
17:30Not very good, but they're good at maths.
17:31That's a box containing letters between myself and my ex-wife, Carol, but, if you notice, I snapped the key off of the lock so I can't access it.
17:43Nothing against Carol, just a really toxic box.
17:46This is paychecks, first paychecks from the BBC.
17:49I won't let you see the amount.
17:50But I do remember at the time, I think it was quite a lot of money, because I was able to buy fish and chips for four people.
17:58They bought their own drinks.
18:00This is me and Sue Cook.
18:03Me and Sue Cook's brother.
18:05Oh, this is interesting.
18:06This is a showreel.
18:07This is a collection of my voiceovers that I would send out to people as a sort of calling card.
18:15I've just not heard this for years.
18:18Brian's Autos.
18:21It's the finest garage in Dudley.
18:23Brummie accent.
18:25It's important to show your vocal range.
18:27It's detached of sunshine, man.
18:31Albeit different times.
18:33I'm not sure you'd get away with that now.
18:41This is interesting.
18:43This is the headset I wore when I was a DJ at North Norfolk Digital.
18:47Technically, it's still their property, I think.
18:50But, yeah.
18:52Left under a bit of a cloud.
18:54Not quite sure what happened.
18:57But there's...
18:58There's new management.
19:01Change of direction.
19:03It's...
19:03It's funny how putting on just a simple object like this,
19:09I've got so many emotions.
19:11Yeah.
19:14This is a good documentary.
19:17As former DJ on North Norfolk Digital's Midmorning Matters,
19:21I was sounding board, listing post, and agony uncle to the whole of the Norfolk region.
19:26The North Norfolk region.
19:27Now, time for something we call rash decision.
19:30Rash decision.
19:33Your medical ailments answered once again.
19:35Doctor, Andy can't be with us.
19:36But please do keep sending in your pictures of rashes.
19:39Simon and I both have access to Google Images
19:41and we'll provide layman's view of exactly what the ailment is.
19:45And a reminder, our diagnoses have no medical basis.
19:49Yes, indeed.
19:49Let's look at some rashes.
19:51You're a first aider.
19:52I am, indeed.
19:52But you haven't given first aid?
19:54No.
19:54Even when that woman collapsed?
19:56Do you think you were in shock?
19:58I think I probably was.
19:59Yeah, yeah.
20:00First is from Heidi Trentham, or is it Trentum?
20:04Trentum.
20:05Trentum Gardens.
20:06Well, it's Trentum Gardens.
20:07Trentum Gardens.
20:08So what are you saying?
20:11Heidi.
20:12Does it matter?
20:13No.
20:15Heidi Trentham has a foot rash.
20:18It's raised, dry, scaly, wine-coloured.
20:21She says it does itch.
20:23For this one, I thought psoriasis.
20:24I thought psoriasis myself, or potentially eczema.
20:27Yeah.
20:28Yeah, Heidi, you're going to need a cream of some sort.
20:31I would pop down to Boots, show them your foot.
20:33Get your boots off.
20:34Yeah, in Boots.
20:35Which is why I said it.
20:36Ha-ha.
20:37Number five is Maureen Skip.
20:39Interesting rash.
20:40I thought it most resembled this one.
20:42Yes.
20:42Which would be a heat rash.
20:44Although the raised hives tell me it could be an allergy.
20:47Well spotted.
20:48Much like the rash.
20:49Yeah.
20:49Maureen, I'd say don't have milk or bread.
20:53Uh, anymore.
20:55Yeah.
20:56Finally, number six.
20:57Jeff in Holtz.
20:58Big red circle.
21:00Simon?
21:00Lyme disease.
21:01Oh no, I've got the same.
21:02Gotta be.
21:02I'm proud of rash decision, and should look back at my tenure fondly, and yet my memories
21:08of North Norfolk Digital are dogged by the souring of one important friendship.
21:12I realise now I'll never be able to find mental peace unless I do something about it.
21:18Hello.
21:18What's your name?
21:19Joe.
21:20Hello, Joe.
21:21I borrowed a head mic for a school sports day, which I'm here to return, and I'm here
21:25to see a friend of mine, sidekick Simon.
21:28Sidekick.
21:29Uh, I'm sorry, Simon Denton?
21:32Oh, yeah, Simon.
21:32Yeah, he's on air right now.
21:34Right.
21:35What did you call him?
21:36Sidekick Simon.
21:37That was his name when we worked on the show together.
21:39Oh, you used to work here?
21:43Uh, I was only the face and backbone of the station for the best part of ten years, and I,
21:49in fact, had a 1% stakeholding in it, which I sold for five grand, which I reinvested.
21:53Uh, 20% stakeholding in a DVD rental company, which since folded due to market forces.
22:00If you work behind reception at a station like NND, probably a good idea to brush up
22:04on your, on your history.
22:05And who shall I say is, is here?
22:07Me.
22:08I'm gonna need a name.
22:11Alan Partridge.
22:12Great, could you just sign here, please?
22:13I'm just gonna grab a coffee.
22:17Oh, if you just take a seat, someone will be around.
22:19I'm just gonna grab a coffee.
22:21Rupert.
22:22These days, Simon sidekicks alongside Carl Browning.
22:25Yeah, this is CB Radio.
22:26I've got a lot of time for Carl.
22:28He's had his personal issues, but away from train station bathrooms, he's a perfect gentleman.
22:32Now it's time for Wrong Answers Only.
22:35Love this.
22:36You asked a question, Simon gives the wrong answer.
22:39Diane, you're on line one.
22:40What does BMI stand for?
22:42Bring me ice cream.
22:44Love it.
22:45Ice cream's two words.
22:46Hayley, line four.
22:47What Irish dancer was once named the best male dancer in the world?
22:51Prince Andrew.
22:52Oh, that was a bad answer.
22:54He knows it.
22:55Look, his throat will get dry.
22:57He'll dehydrate it.
22:59There he goes.
23:01Yeah.
23:01His skin will get itchy.
23:03Watch, there we go.
23:04He knows when he's fucked up.
23:07Quick swipe of the schnoz textbook.
23:10I barely recognise the place.
23:13So much has changed.
23:14Look at that water cooler.
23:16Blue stream.
23:17That used to be, um, aquatic.
23:19Yeah.
23:20So much has changed.
23:22That's a new flip chart.
23:24Those CDs are new.
23:25He didn't work here.
23:26What did?
23:27Studios weren't down there.
23:28Mine's here.
23:30I turned my studios into a men's toilet.
23:36There's a man in there taking a dump where I used to broadcast.
23:38Not much has changed then, has it?
23:40Which is the joke I was about to make.
23:42You didn't, though.
23:43Clever clogs.
23:44I'll have you know, I won, uh, Leonard Cheshire Holmes Radio Companion of the Year 2017 and 2018.
23:51Two years in a row.
23:52First time anyone done it outside of London.
23:54Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
23:56Now come here and give us a half hug, you bloody bugger.
24:00Yeah, I loved what I heard, though.
24:02Yeah.
24:02Yes, well, uh, Mr Branning likes to keep the pace up.
24:05Slightly less leisurely than back in our day.
24:07Bit more peppy.
24:08You don't think peppy's more of a breakfast thing?
24:10You know all that research that says retirees get a headache before lunch and prefer the radio a bit more gentle.
24:15Right.
24:15It was good to see my erstwhile sidekick again.
24:18Good to see him back in fine fettle after a complete breakdown when his girlfriend moved to Coventry to study linguistics.
24:25I was told that you threw a brick at a swan.
24:27The goose.
24:28Goose.
24:29Yeah.
24:29I mean, if you ever want to talk about anything, all you've got to do, pick up the phone, mate.
24:34I know.
24:34It's that easy.
24:35I know.
24:36WhatsApp, FaceTime.
24:37Yeah.
24:38As long as it's not, you know, a landline before 6pm, um, we can talk to the cows come home.
24:43Yeah, I know.
24:45I know we can.
24:48Yeah, you sit there.
24:49Sit yourself down, sir.
24:50Sidekick Simon had been a moderately good broadcaster and an even better friend, but our fruitful working relationship had gone mouldy.
24:57In May 2022, after he ignored an amusing text message about a cat, we broke friends.
25:03Today, I want us to get things off our chest to help us both, but mainly me.
25:08Memories.
25:10Yep.
25:10Like the corner of my mind, misty water-coloured memories.
25:14Barbara Streisand.
25:15The finish of the way we were.
25:18Barbara Streisand.
25:20How did we get from the way we were to the way we are?
25:23Because we locked horns.
25:24No, God, yeah.
25:25We were like two stags, weren't we?
25:27Yeah.
25:27Going into...
25:28And I think there are still troubled waters.
25:30And we're going to build a bridge.
25:32And it's time to build a bridge.
25:35Over troubled waters.
25:36Over troubled water.
25:40Today, I'm going to invite you to try the I feel technique.
25:44Oh, I think I know this.
25:45Let me explain it.
25:47To avoid rancour, I might say to my milkman, when you clank bottles early in the morning,
25:53I feel uncared for sleep-wise.
25:56And then he can respond in kind.
25:58It's a simple but surprisingly powerful technique.
26:01Yeah, no, I do know this.
26:02Do you?
26:03Yes, yes.
26:04It's like the guy on YouTube said.
26:05It's a simple but surprisingly powerful technique.
26:08He even does that.
26:09Yeah.
26:09Well, this, I read this in a book, so...
26:11Oh, did you?
26:12Hmm.
26:12Are you okay?
26:13Which book?
26:13Because I'm looking into self-help a bit as well.
26:16It's by Dr. Bristol.
26:18Sorry, Bridge.
26:20Dr. Bristol.
26:21Dr. Bristol Bridge, who lives in Texas.
26:24In America.
26:27Yeah, yeah.
26:28Right.
26:29Shall I begin?
26:31Yes, I invite you to.
26:33When you criticise me on air, I feel belittled.
26:39When you complain about feedback, I feel hurt because I'm only trying to help you.
26:47Right.
26:48Well, when you say feedback, but then reel off a lot of quibbles you have with me, I feel attacked.
26:55Yeah.
26:55When you describe major flaws in your broadcasting style as quibbles, I feel you're not taking the listener serious.
27:01When you talk about the listeners, I feel like you're hiding behind them in order to say a lot of petty gripes that have been bothering you that day.
27:07When you describe my gripes as petty, I feel like you're being a dick and it hurts my feelings.
27:13When you call me a dick, I want to tell you to fuck off and say that when you worked here, no one at the station liked you.
27:20When you use bad language and lie, I feel like I shouldn't have given you the day off when your dad died.
27:27Great.
27:28Really useful technique.
27:29It keeps a lid on things emotionally, but, you know, really gets the endorphins going.
27:34Oh, yes.
27:35Gets them dolphins going.
27:36Well, do you know what?
27:36Endorphins are a bit like them dolphins, aren't they?
27:39This is good banter.
27:40They'll probably ask us to strike up the partnership, recreate the old magic.
27:43Yeah.
27:44Yeah?
27:44Why?
27:45Has anyone said anything?
27:46No.
27:46Okay.
27:47No one said a word.
27:48All right.
27:50The human mind is a swirling mass of negativity, besieged as we are by critics, bullies, and liars.
27:58But today, hope, for a journey that began in a woman's lap, has reached a watershed moment.
28:04Like footage played backwards, I have begun to feel long-held anxieties retreat and canter into the distance.
28:12And for the time being, at least, I am now the very picture of contentment.
28:16So I'll ask you again, how are you?
28:20Rupert, Rupert, Rupert the Bear, everyone sing his name.
28:28Rupert, Rupert the Bear, everyone come and join in all of his games.
28:38Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, R
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