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Four in a Bed
Four in a Bed (2010) S30E15
Four in a Bed (2010) Season 30 Episode 15
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FunTranscript
00:00I have done you a cheese sandwich, and I have cut the crusts off.
00:04Oh, thank you.
00:05See how good I am?
00:06Yeah, yeah.
00:06And it is cheese sandwich.
00:08Oh, thank you very much.
00:08Look at that.
00:10Oh, I love it.
00:10Like you come for tea from the victor.
00:12Has it got cucumber on?
00:13No, it's cheese.
00:14Oh, it's cheese.
00:15Cheese.
00:16Cheese?
00:17Where is the cheese?
00:18Well, it's spread.
00:20Who put it on?
00:21Me?
00:22Who took it off the non-on?
00:23Yes!
00:30Ooh, happy days.
00:32Oh, Danielle, I like this.
00:33He's gone and done and did it.
00:34I don't trust him, because he's teetotal.
00:36Oh, no, no.
00:37Cryptic that in there.
00:39Convoluted that.
00:40Oh, no, no.
00:42What a waste of a muffin.
00:43Oh!
00:45What's that?
00:47Unacceptable!
00:48Yeah!
00:49Oh!
00:49What the hell?
00:51Is that it?
00:52There's not much evidence of man-boob, is there, Mary?
00:55Oh, I hate Swiss roll.
00:56Oh, no!
00:57Oh!
00:57Oh, no!
00:59Oh, he's a badger.
01:00Yes, he's a badger.
01:02Oh, man, he's got one in and one out.
01:04It's the kind of trash I adore.
01:06Was that good for you or was it was for me?
01:09In the week Greg's opened a pub in Newcastle,
01:13we enjoyed lots of great telly.
01:16The government's latest plans were keeping us in check on ITV.
01:20The digital ID cards could look a bit like this,
01:23according to Labour Together,
01:25a think tank which is close to the Prime Minister.
01:27That is actually wrong,
01:29because he's showing his teeth there.
01:30You have to be like that.
01:33Like a train's coming at you.
01:34I wouldn't be doing that if a train were going at me.
01:42The youth of Yorkshire were getting pre-exam pep talks on Channel 4.
01:46We, as your maths teachers, are immensely proud of you.
01:51Isn't it crazy that we only ever heard that phrase,
01:54I'm so proud of you, from our teachers?
01:56I know.
01:57Like, how mad is that?
01:58Our parents never said that before.
02:00And bear in mind, I bought awards home before.
02:03I bought debate club awards,
02:05Jack Petchy award,
02:06the Duke of Edinburgh award.
02:08How many more awards do I have to bring?
02:10I was a try-hard.
02:11You really tried.
02:12I was waiting for that affirmation from my parents.
02:15It never came.
02:16It never came.
02:17It never delivered.
02:18And it was baffling business as usual on BBC Two.
02:22Two and a half minutes to solve it.
02:24Starting now.
02:28Here it goes.
02:29It's my scales.
02:30I do daily puzzles with Hugh.
02:32He's obsessed with jigsaws.
02:35Obsessed.
02:35And he is such a clever little boy, you know.
02:38He is.
02:39He's actually so...
02:40Like, he does a jigsaw without looking at the picture.
02:42Sometimes, if me and him are doing a jigsaw together,
02:45and I'll put something somewhere,
02:47he's like, no anti-abs.
02:49Hmm.
02:49This goes here.
02:51And he knows more farm animals than me.
02:53Hmm.
02:53Hmm.
02:53Hmm.
03:01In Manchester...
03:03Did you, er, let Erwin know your news?
03:06Alison, her husband, George, and her daughter, Helena.
03:09Your gender reveal.
03:12Oh, I'm not doing gender reveal.
03:13Have I told him he's having a sister?
03:14Yeah.
03:15Yeah.
03:16And how did it go?
03:17Well, that's what he wanted.
03:19That's what he'd planned.
03:20That's what he'd ordered?
03:21He'd ordered that.
03:22So, he didn't...
03:23He wasn't too shocked.
03:24Was he not?
03:24I thought he'd put the order in months ago.
03:26Yeah.
03:27Erm...
03:28But he has told everybody
03:30that it's going to be called Ruby Gemstone.
03:32Oh!
03:33LAUGHTER
03:33It was Glitterballs at Go-Go on BBC One
03:37as we shimmied into Saturday night with this.
03:40Do-do-do-do-do.
03:42Do-do-do.
03:43Do-do-do-do-do.
03:45Oh, hello.
03:46Hello.
03:46I heard he froze by there.
03:48Here we go, Stuart.
03:48I'm going to stick me.
03:50Bye.
03:51You're going...
03:51You're going to your lock, aren't you, love?
03:53There's your sample.
03:54Oh, thank you.
03:55Come on, dance.
03:57Hang on.
03:58Dance!
03:59I've got it.
04:05And I heard from Gladiators.
04:06Christ, he's massive, isn't he?
04:08All right, oh Jesus
04:12Danny and Dyer, no not Danny and Dyer
04:15When they put the name and the surname, it's not Danny and Dyer is Danny Dyer Luke Danny Dyer there
04:26Love love wah-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh rocks out pronounce it
04:34Doodoo doodoo
04:36Arriba, it's the only glitter ball. I want to be under on a Saturday. I'll tell you that
04:44Dancing the cha-cha or you do is Harry Akin's a meeting and Karen
04:50Look at those arms. Oh, I bet they could crush a chestnut
04:56It looks like he's done under a press-ups before he's come out. Oh, absolutely. He'll have had one of those bands in the back
05:02Oh
05:16Come on George get in the groove low. No, I'm not doing it. No, it's not a scene
05:22Oh
05:27Oh, do you like this music? No, not particularly
05:34Always doing well is keeping up with Karen. Mm-hmm. I mean obviously he doesn't move quite so well as her but the timing is great
05:42The hips a little bit wooden for me ball. Yeah, but when you've got an ass that figure is quite difficult
05:54That is pure muscle so
05:56Come on girls, let's go show the guy that we know how to be on number one in the I'm on the show now push it
06:04Oh my god, he is so good looking. He's nitro single?
06:09Don't know. It's like he's got two filet mignons on his arm
06:12Oh
06:18Oh
06:20Baby baby baby
06:24Good
06:26Ridiculous
06:32Woo
06:33That were a stiff shimmy that you need to give it a shot
06:36oh
06:38Real good
06:42No, yes, look at that. Oh
06:45Piece of pace anybody could do that watch this. Oh god. Here we go. You ready for this
07:00Hey, oh my goodness amazing. Oh, I'd love to be that flaw right now
07:05Because I'd be like, oh, oh you gave me on make it on you were back
07:12You're having a laugh you're under a chiropractor
07:19You are some of this
07:26It looks like he's defying gravity they're jumping up
07:29That was amazing and there was a woman dancing with him as well
07:37Okay, I mean a little fail there you would don't you it's out with a
07:47He's made my night
07:49They won't get some cool water or something you'll have to get something. Oh, yeah, I'm on fire
07:59You know a Jenny I was going through my house insurance, you know best friends Jenny and Lee
08:06You should have a look here and all you know why yours because I was going through small print
08:11Yeah, do you know if my dovet got nicked overnight? I won't be covered
08:18Well, it coming with your contents one it
08:21Amazing yeah, but it come with your contents if my dovet got nicked during the night. I won't be covered
08:28It's all about oh
08:32On Sunday night there were more lessons to be learned at our favorite school up north on Channel 4
08:38Everyone's had a favorite teacher. I remember mine's being mr. Baker P teacher used to get me out of all the detentions
08:46We had a teacher called me was it mrs
08:49Coxworth
08:50Yes, she was very attractive, but I mean they were very immature about her name weren't they and she was miss Ward
08:56And then she became mrs. Coxworth
08:58With an X
09:00Welcome to the world of education
09:02When I was in private school my tisho was my best friend, you know
09:06When I was at school if you do rubbish on your GCSEs
09:11You'll go nowhere
09:13And you know what they're absolutely right
09:17It's November at Thornhill in just over a week the year 11 students will start their mock GCSEs
09:25GCSEs show remember those brings back nightmares
09:28Oh
09:30I hated GCSEs
09:32They were the worst. Did you actually revise for yours?
09:34The only one I revised for was science and that was the only one I failed so it just goes to show you shouldn't revise
09:39Have you ever used a Bunsen burner?
09:41No
09:42Exactly
09:43Thornhill's most dedicated students are being treated to a special breakfast
09:47Oh, so all the goody-two-shoes get a nice breakfast, I see
09:51One student on the invite list is Falak, a school prefect
09:55Well, I was never one of them
09:57No, me too
09:58I never wanted to be one of them though
10:00I didn't
10:01I didn't
10:02You used to have to wear a badge
10:04At the moment I've picked my A-levels to be biology, chemistry and psychology
10:08Gosh, she's clever, isn't she?
10:10Yes, Falak
10:11You and Daniela would get on like a house on fire, Falak, honestly
10:15Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud and their man there
10:17In my room, I'm like locked away
10:19They call it my man cave
10:21I'm in my little cave every day
10:23Doing like at least two hours a day of revision
10:26That's dedication
10:27That is, that is
10:28Well, don't push yourself too hard, you know
10:30You don't want to be putting too much pressure on yourself
10:32With just one week to go
10:34Year 11s are having their last lessons before they sit their mocks
10:38Oh boy, it was a scary time man
10:40Recently, I've had a few anxiety attacks
10:43Oh no!
10:44You see, she's a good student, but she's worrying
10:47Aww
10:48That's really common with kids in year 11 coming up to the GCSEs
10:52I lose my eyesight, I don't breathe much
10:55So my eyes start to water and I panic even more
10:59The fact that I can't see
11:00Oh, poor girl
11:01Terrifying, isn't it?
11:02Mm-hmm
11:03I mean, she's feeling the pressure
11:05Oh God, jump scare
11:09Sports all done out as the exam room
11:12That is anxiety in a room
11:13It's a safe for sore eyes
11:15It's the start of the year 11 mocks
11:17Oh God, look at her, she looks absolutely petrified
11:21And the students are about to tackle their first maths paper
11:25Maths, oh my God
11:27I failed maths twice
11:28I got a bit nervous even though I knew I was going to do shit
11:31But I still was nervous
11:33Just being asked if you can look down to the hole
11:35Oh no, what's happened there?
11:37Falak
11:38Part way through her exam, Falak is struggling to breathe
11:41Oh God
11:42Oh, she's having a panic attack, sweet girl
11:44Come on, kiddo
11:48Oh, Falak
11:49Right, let's do some, er...
11:51Nice and fresh
11:52Right, breathe in, breathe out
11:53Big deep breaths
11:54Oh, Mr. Burton's good mind
11:58Mr. Burton is phenomenal
12:01Students can put so much pressure on themselves
12:03And that can lead them to not performing, ironically, the way that they would like to
12:08And it's our job to make sure that we help them through that
12:11Do you know what? It's not fair putting kids under this kind of stress
12:14The children
12:16Why, why do we do this to children?
12:19It's Tuesday
12:21And the mock results are in
12:23Oh, this is the scary part
12:26The results day
12:27This is when the teachers start going
12:30Right, now you've seen a hint of reality
12:33What are you going to do to change that?
12:38It's not going to be good, it's not going to be good
12:39Come on, it's going to be good
12:41Ooh
12:42Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait
12:45Is she done, eh?
12:46I passed everything
12:48Yeah
12:49Because I've actually passed everything
12:50Oh, she's passed
12:52Well done, Falak
12:57I'm going to college, yeah
12:59Well done
13:00You see, now, if this was me at school
13:02It would have been Peter passed just under half of his GCCs
13:07And didn't get into college
13:13Peter went on to the University of Life
13:16I am actually a prime example of why exams don't matter
13:23I finished school
13:24I finished school
13:25And I've worked in the same company
13:27With a really good job
13:28Credit controller
13:29That's in the finance department
13:31And then, now, progressing into the sales department
13:36Working my way up
13:38With only two GCSEs
13:40Well, one of them was PE
13:44In Glasgow
13:45I feel like you would fall in love with like a paper bag
13:56Thanks, yeah, yeah
13:57But I do, I feel like you fall in love every two seconds
14:00Best mates Jake and Callum
14:02Do you not love those moments though
14:04When you're going through life
14:05And you just sort of
14:06Fall in love with a stranger for like 20 minutes
14:08Nah, I don't like it
14:09And you sort of think
14:10Why is she looking over here all the time?
14:12Then you realise
14:13She's probably just wanting to clean up and close the cafe
14:16No, but that's your head thinking that she's in love with you
14:19That's right
14:20And you romanticise this thing that's not there
14:21You know what, for those 20 minutes
14:22I'd do it all over again
14:23I love it
14:24But then you probably leave that moment and think like
14:26I can't wait, I'm not going to see them again
14:27Ever
14:28So is that why they've got a restraining order on you?
14:30That's exactly what I was going to say
14:33On Monday night, BBC2 had its iroglyphics out
14:37Come on
14:38Come here
14:39Leap in
14:40Come here
14:41He doesn't want to sit next to you
14:42Come here
14:43He does
14:44Do we have to watch this?
14:45Because I've already got a slight headache
14:46Yeah, I love it
14:48It's my favourite quiz show
14:51I've had to do two tests at work
14:54Ooh
14:55Pass them both
14:56I'm all over quizzes
14:58I've really got brain energy going
15:01Big talk, Jane
15:02As the Duke of Wellington said at the Battle of Waterloo
15:05Hard pounding this gentleman
15:07I beg your pardon?
15:08OK
15:09Pounding
15:10Let's see who will pound the longest
15:13Ah
15:14Sadly cut from the ABBA song
15:16I wish my history lessons were like that in school
15:17I was going to say
15:18I've never seen a quiz show open quite like that
15:20On my right
15:22Julianne Moreland
15:23A diagnostic radiographer
15:25Who was two-time university karate champion
15:27They always have to have a little quirky story about them
15:30Don't they?
15:31Yes
15:32Yeah
15:33Remember when you dunk karate
15:34Yes, good girl
15:35Yeah
15:36Got photo of you in your white gi
15:39Oh right
15:40And their captain, Steve Ash
15:42Who slept through a bear attacking his cabin in the Rocky Mountains
15:45I'd be
15:46I'd be
15:47Lara Fawcett
15:48Swam for Team GB in the Ice Swimming World Championships
15:52Really?
15:53That's the only achievement I've ever done in my life
15:55Oh I see
15:56So if I was on that, that's what I'd say it was
15:58My fun fact, I walked around Machu Picchu with Mick Jagger
16:02Accidentally
16:03But he was there, I was there at the same time
16:05And you will be facing this evening
16:07On my left
16:09Hannah Fitton
16:10Who?
16:11Who's the captain of Franchester United football team
16:13Manchester United?
16:14Like Franchester United
16:16Ah
16:17Lee Riley
16:18Fan of vodka and coke and slut dropping
16:20And then three of you can slink away
16:21And then three of you can slink away
16:23Scanners, you won the toss, you'll be going first
16:25Please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph
16:27Er, the lion please
16:29Ooh
16:30Ooh
16:33Oh my God
16:34Oh God, what the hell does that say?
16:36One second
16:37Next
16:38Is that a canoe?
16:39No
16:40No
16:41Girl, girl
16:42What's the next one?
16:43Next
16:45Bluff, bluff
16:46Bluff
16:47Bluff
16:48Bluff
16:49Bluff
16:50Bluff
16:51Bluff
16:52Oh
16:53Woof
16:54Woof
16:55It's Woof Woof
16:56These are dog noises
16:58The equivalent of Woof Woof
16:59Dog noises?
17:01Seriously
17:02Sit
17:03That, that can't be the answer
17:05That is what they are
17:06Well done
17:09I've never heard a dog go
17:11Bluff
17:12Bluff
17:13Bluff
17:14Bluff
17:15Are you?
17:16The missing vowels that decide
17:17Who stays in the competition
17:18And who goes home
17:19Oh
17:20I'm so good at vowels
17:22I'm amazing at them actually
17:24My surname
17:25Before I became Forsaid
17:26Is the only surname in England with no vowels
17:29Is that right?
17:31There's no other surname with no vowels
17:33Oh
17:35Truths are so important
17:36Came up in England with no vowels
17:37A rice And a rice
17:39What?
17:40A rice and a rice
17:41Basmati
17:42Basmati
17:43And rice and a rice
17:45Basmati
17:46Basmati
17:47Scanners
17:48Basmati and Tim
17:49Correct
17:50Tim?
17:51What's Tim?
17:52There's no rice called Tim
17:53I've never had Tim rice
17:54I've had Uncle Ben's
17:55Uncle Ben's. Jasmine and who? Jasmine and... Condoleezza. Condoleezza rice. Well done,
18:05oh man. Benchwarmers? Jasmine and Condoleezza. Yes it is. Condoleezza! Damn! What the hell's
18:13Condoleezza? What is Condoleezza rice? Oh, is that the name of the rice? No, Condoleezza is...
18:19What is Condoleezza? Sticky. Basmati. Benchwarmers? Arboreo and Annika. Very well done.
18:33That's not a rice. This isn't rice. No. It's not rice. You can't know that many people
18:37that saw it in rice. I couldn't, other than Declan rice. I only know Declan as well.
18:43Longgrain. Longgrain and Conlon. Declan. Scanners? Longgrain and Declan. Correct.
18:49Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Boom. There's Declan, represent for Arsenal, man. Here we go.
18:55Where'd you get Declan rice from? Declan rice? He's a footballer? That's it. That's the end of the quiz.
19:02Oh. Well, thank god that Salva got it out, Gron. I've never had a brain that can react quickly. No,
19:09not me. I've never had a brain that reacts.
19:13In the Cotswolds.
19:20Oh, god, I'm so glad it's the end of September. We've had the 40th, 150th, 260th,
19:27one in England, three abroad. Do you think that means everybody has sex at Christmas?
19:31Andrew and his husband Alfie.
19:34I'm exhausted, broken man. No, I know. It hasn't helped with your foot too, with your broken toe.
19:38I actually can't cope with any more social events. No, and you don't want to see anybody.
19:42I'm putting a veto on it. Yeah, you're going to close the door and hibernate till December.
19:48Put the fire on and hibernate. See you at Christmas.
19:50See you at Christmas.
19:50This week, there were more high jinx on the high seas on Hey You.
19:56So, Mary, this is below deck. Oh, yes.
19:59This is a nautical version of upstairs, downstairs. Oh, yes.
20:03All they want to do is shag each other. All of them.
20:05Really? Oh, yeah.
20:06Where did you say it was mud?
20:12Oh, beloved. I love it. I love it.
20:14Are you happy? I love it. I don't think I'd like to go on holiday on a yacht.
20:18Oh, aye, wouldn't. I'd much prefer to go away in my touring caravan.
20:22Yeah.
20:28Oh, here we are. Hey, up.
20:29What a beautiful day in the neighbourhood.
20:31Drink some champagne.
20:32They're not even off the jetty and they're already asking for bitch juice.
20:39Thank you very much for that. Welcome to Sunnysight Mountain.
20:41That's Captain Kerry. His boat, his rules.
20:45Welcome on board Motor Yacht St. David. You've got Barbara behind the bar.
20:50Oh, look at that. Oh, that looks nice, doesn't it?
20:53I've been travelling too long. Poor you. Oh, my God. Let me cry in a pillow.
20:57I'm sorry, Kelly. I don't drive around and drink everywhere.
21:01Actually, it works.
21:02She forgot her manners on dry land.
21:04Do you know what? It doesn't matter how much money you've got.
21:07You can't buy class, can you?
21:08She's a thirsty girl. She's another day.
21:10Anything with alcohol is your favourite drink.
21:13I'm trying to drink it all.
21:14I think these are going to be a handful.
21:16I love getting drunk.
21:18I actually said to my mum yesterday, I really fancy getting drunk today.
21:22But I didn't. And you didn't.
21:24Is it because you had no one to get drunk with?
21:26No, because my mum said, oh, well, let's go for a couple of drinks.
21:29I said, no, that's not the sensible option, ma'am.
21:32Are we ready for some lunch?
21:33Yeah!
21:34Yes, Rachel!
21:35Someone give her something to line us from her.
21:37She needs some food to sober her up.
21:40OK, let's start running with food.
21:42Woo!
21:44We'd never behave like Kelly, would we?
21:47We wouldn't behave like that if we might drink as much.
21:51Like some scissor salad?
21:52Really? Really?
21:57She kind of reminds me of Ozzy Osbourne.
21:58If you're really keen to jet ski, you've just got to be aware of how much you're drinking.
22:02Kelly can't go jet skiing.
22:04Fraser's giving a warning there.
22:05I'm going on the banana boat. I don't need anybody else.
22:08No, you're not.
22:08No, you're not.
22:09All the captains are, all the captains are.
22:11Debt crew, debt crew, we've got guests coming your way.
22:13Please pay attention. Copy that.
22:15I'm going on the banana boat, baby, yeah.
22:17I'm going to have to cut off Kelly. She's going to drink.
22:19Wow. Have you seen how she's, she's stumbled out of the door?
22:22On the banana boat, baby.
22:24Someone get buoyancy aid ready.
22:26Hey, how you doing?
22:26I'm, I'm doing well now.
22:29Look at her. She can't even walk in a straight line.
22:32Kelly, you've had a lot to drink. I'm worried about your safety.
22:34So put a jacket on. You have two options.
22:36It would really help us if you put a jacket on, Kelly.
22:38Oh, Simon.
22:39Oh.
22:40She won't wear a fist. Oh, God.
22:43Help me put it in.
22:44Yeah, I'll help you put it on.
22:46Oh, she's there.
22:47Oh, she's daved in.
22:48There's always bloody one, isn't there?
22:49Would you jump in after her?
22:51They have to.
22:51No, would you?
22:53No.
22:54I don't know how much stuff I've ever had.
22:56Come chase me.
22:57Oh, wow.
22:59Come and chase me.
23:00What's going on?
23:03You're welcome.
23:05You're welcome.
23:07You're welcome.
23:07You need to go inside now.
23:08I took her off the yacht.
23:09She needs to go in a cage now.
23:11This is my vessel and you are going inside now?
23:13No.
23:14Yes.
23:14The captain has the power to arrest her and lock her up.
23:17He won't be allowed to do that, isn't he?
23:19Oh, yeah.
23:21I'm not going to do that to me.
23:24Yeah, Kelly, you're done.
23:26You're an idiot.
23:27No, you need to go off the boat.
23:29You're disgusting.
23:31Disgusting.
23:32No!
23:34Oh, no!
23:34She's assaulting him with cushions?
23:37Kelly, stop it, Ben.
23:38I hate you.
23:39No, Kelly, stop it.
23:41Wow.
23:42That's crazy.
23:44Yes, they are.
23:45They're assholes.
23:46No, they're not.
23:47Yes, they are.
23:48They're Democrats.
23:49Democrats?
23:50What?
23:51Brilliant.
23:53But then that makes her a Republican.
23:56What an advert.
23:57I ask you to talk to you in private, please.
24:00Oh, now she wants to talk.
24:02She's going to lock her in.
24:07I'll come back in 20 minutes.
24:09Oh!
24:1120 minutes.
24:12Yes.
24:12I have to get to clock in right now.
24:15Shut the door.
24:16Shut the door, quick.
24:16Lock her in.
24:17He locked her in.
24:18Yes, Captain Kerry.
24:20I told you he would.
24:21That should be strong, so hold it.
24:23Yeah.
24:23Thanks, mate.
24:24They're literally holding her in her room until the police get there.
24:28She won't let the outside of the vessel under any circumstances.
24:31Oh, my God.
24:31The police have got vests on and everything.
24:34Why does it get off the boot?
24:35Whether it's right or wrong, that's what's going to happen.
24:38Yeah.
24:38Yeah, right.
24:39But if you resist, the French police will arrest you and detain you.
24:45Oh, my God.
24:47I want to see you be strung armed off by the French police.
24:50Oh, it's so rewarding, this programme.
24:53Oh, no.
24:53Oh, that's what a shame.
24:54Is there any way we can see what happens?
24:56Rough justice.
24:58I stowed away on a boat once.
25:00You what?
25:00Stowed away?
25:01Yeah.
25:02Where?
25:03From Jersey to Portsmouth, back to Jersey and back to Portsmouth.
25:10I've mentioned this before.
25:12Well, no, I don't tell you what happened.
25:14A stowed away?
25:15Yes, me and Julie.
25:18We got pissed.
25:20Good God.
25:21Yeah.
25:22I was that drunk, I didn't know where the hell I was.
25:33I'm sorry.
25:34I think she's coming up to the point where we're soon going to have to say,
25:37happy birthday by a text.
25:39What?
25:40We mean what?
25:41Wait, you're going to stop with all the birthday presents and the going out for meals?
25:45Sarah, her husband, Andre, and their daughter, Shay.
25:49I don't care how many children I have or how many years I've been married,
25:52I'm coming back here every year for my birthday and I'm expecting balloons,
25:56flowers, dinner, the lot.
25:58I've got an idea, Sarah.
25:59You see, I'm a daddy's girl.
26:00You have to keep spoiling me.
26:01It doesn't stop just because I get older.
26:03I've got a good idea, darling.
26:05Since you want to keep having celebrations like this.
26:08No, if you say, find a husband, I'm going to lose it.
26:11On Thursday night, the best brains in business were back on BBC One.
26:19I follow Deborah on Instagram.
26:21I do, I love her.
26:21I love her.
26:22She's vegan, got land, got horses, picks up horse shit with the bare hands.
26:26Love it.
26:27I think I'm using a Dragon's Den product as we speak.
26:30Really?
26:31It's the antiperspirant stuff.
26:33Really?
26:34Refillable.
26:35I'm on the full, full power cacao from Dragon's Den.
26:39Oh, we're influenced, aren't we?
26:41We're absolute mugs.
26:46I would make a good dragon, but I won't have any money.
26:48I love your idea, but sorry, I don't have anything to give you.
26:54Yeah.
26:55Let's do this.
26:58In the program, we met a nervous bloke from Bournemouth who was looking to get his hands
27:03on the Dragon's Dosh.
27:05Hi there, I'm Phil and I'm co-founder, er...
27:13Co-founder, yeah?
27:16Hi there, I'm Phil, co-founder of Boot Bananas.
27:18Boot Bananas!
27:20Oh, you might use a banana to put your shoe on instead of a shoehorn.
27:24And I'm here today seeking a £200,000 investment...
27:29Look at Sarah's face, that's a lot.
27:31..in exchange for 8% equity...
27:338%? 8%?
27:34He's nuts.
27:35No wonder he's stumbling, asking for £200,000.
27:38Boot Bananas was founded in 2012 with the creation of our flagship product,
27:42Boot Bananas Original Shoe Deodorisers.
27:45Oh, right.
27:46Oh, I get odourators, they're only a couple of quid.
27:49You'd need a bunch of Boot Bananas to stick in your dumpsters.
27:54Cheeky bastard, I've only got one pair of shoes.
27:57Last year, I turned over £1.37 million,
28:01with a £220,000 net profit.
28:03Whoa!
28:04For a banana!
28:06No, but over the last 10 years, how much money have you made selling this product net?
28:11Um, there's not a net profit.
28:13What?
28:14He's confusing me now, and I don't even...
28:15I thought he said he had £200,000 of a net profit,
28:18and now he's saying, no, there isn't.
28:19So that's why I go back to...
28:20I don't know how you can value this.
28:22Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I can work that.
28:23£40,000, £30,000.
28:24Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
28:25Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.
28:27It's on my fingers.
28:28Hold on, hold on.
28:2990, £100,000, £120,000.
28:31Oh, oh, God.
28:32Can I borrow some fingers, please?
28:34£14,000, £30,000, carry the wand.
28:36Er, it's zilch, Peter.
28:38I've actually made a net loss.
28:40Genuinely, I think we could be turning over £100 million.
28:42Really?
28:43£6,000, £6,000.
28:44God, Alison, I'll lend you the money.
28:47I think £30 million I could probably do on my own.
28:50What, you're doing here, then? You're doing fine.
28:52He's not invented the iPad, has he?
28:54It's a banana, you're shoving a smelly shoe.
28:56You know, once in a while, a business walks into the den,
28:59where I can so clearly see the opportunity.
29:04Oh.
29:05Oh, is he going to...?
29:06Oh, oh, this is sounding a bit more hopeful.
29:08If you can demonstrate this product within five, ten seconds,
29:12people go, oh, my God, I need that.
29:14He's got everyone clocking now, hasn't he?
29:16Yeah.
29:16And the battleground to do that, in my opinion, is social media.
29:22That is how I shop.
29:23If you were targeting Adam E, I'm buying it.
29:26See, this guy, he's all over social media.
29:28Oh, yeah.
29:29He's the one.
29:30Techno nerd, isn't he? Yeah.
29:32So, I'm going to make you an offer.
29:33Oh, my God. OK.
29:34Yes, Stephen.
29:35Let's see this offer first.
29:38I'm going to offer you all of the money...
29:40For...?
29:41For 33%.
29:4333. A third.
29:45He only wanted to offer eight.
29:47Take it. Take it.
29:50What do you specifically want?
29:52Money.
29:53Everyone speak to Schmelgers.
29:55I want to spend less time doing the things I'm not very good at.
29:59Mm-hm.
30:00So I have more time for my family.
30:01Sounds like a good plan to me, Phil.
30:03How big is your family?
30:07Sorry.
30:08Oh, Phil!
30:10He loves his family.
30:11This is all for them.
30:12This is the X Factor moment, this now.
30:14Yeah.
30:14Waterworks are on.
30:15Two little bodies, my wife, Alex.
30:19And our dog.
30:20I'd be like, I've just got my partner, my little boy, four dogs, two cats, 23 chickens...
30:28..and a fish tank!
30:30LAUGHTER
30:31And, Phil, I'd like to help them.
30:33Oh!
30:33I'm going to make you an offer and it's going to mirror Stephen's offer.
30:36Oh!
30:37Hey, it worked.
30:39It worked!
30:41Would you consider a share of the deal?
30:43Come together.
30:44Oh, you'd get the best of both worlds.
30:46Because he's the internet man and I don't know what Peter Jones is.
30:49I don't know what Peter does, no.
30:5016% each for £100,000 each.
30:53Yes.
30:54Yes, you've got a deal.
30:54Oh!
30:56My God!
30:57Yes, Phil!
30:58You absolute weapon!
31:00He's done well there, hasn't he?
31:02I'm pleased for Phil, yeah.
31:03He went in there and he flogged his banana well.
31:05When are you going on Dragon's Den?
31:07When I get a brilliant idea?
31:09You have brilliant ideas all the time!
31:11To be honest, I think your most brilliant idea was having me.
31:15That wasn't my idea, actually.
31:21In Wiltshire...
31:23Mary?
31:24Yes?
31:24I have a bit of a confession to make.
31:26Oh, no.
31:27Well, it's not on a scale of tragedy, it's only four.
31:30Giles and his wife, Mary.
31:33I did try to improve our standard of living.
31:36Oh, I know!
31:37You horrible creep!
31:38Oh, shh.
31:39You've always wanted to spoil that lovely bath.
31:42So, um...
31:42I'm just going to buy another one.
31:44What happened was, uh, I saw that I've been meaning for a long time to cut this bath towel,
31:51which was twice as big as it should have been.
31:53It's meant to be.
31:54It's twice as...
31:54It's not a bath towel, it's a bath mat.
31:56I thought, great.
31:57Well, it's easily...
31:58I've cut it in half easily.
32:00But then look what happened.
32:02It started to fall to bits and all these fibres started coming off.
32:07And then I thought to myself,
32:09I've got a lifetime supply of really, really useful rope to tie up the roses with.
32:16Mary.
32:17On Friday, a brand new bright idea from number 10 was making the headlines on ITV.
32:23But no!
32:24No!
32:25No!
32:26No!
32:29We're just going to watch this one, this news, and then you can have your dinner.
32:34Okay?
32:35Okay.
32:36Yeah, no.
32:37In the last hour, the Prime Minister has confirmed every UK adult must have a digital ID
32:43if they want the right to work.
32:45Not a good idea.
32:47No.
32:47I don't oppose it.
32:48No.
32:49I've got nothing against it.
32:50I don't see what the issue is, because some people are really up in arms about it.
32:53Mm.
32:54You know, sometimes they suggest things that just don't happen.
32:56Yeah.
32:57I think this is going to be one of them.
32:58Sir Keir Starmer said they'll help to make the country's borders more secure.
33:02How?
33:03About the people coming in, Jane.
33:04Okay.
33:05Because anyone wanting to work here will have to show their ID on their smartphone.
33:10Have they got a smartphone?
33:13Well, it is smart, but not the way you use it.
33:16Do you think people who are taking illegal workers on give a fuck about ID?
33:20LAUGHTER
33:21And there are serious questions around privacy and cyber security.
33:26Well, that's the other thing as well.
33:28There is about cyber security.
33:29I mean, look at Marxist, JLR, co-op.
33:33Yeah.
33:33Now, do you trust the government with your details?
33:36I mean, come on.
33:37They have my details anyway, André.
33:39The French have long argued that Britain wouldn't be so attractive to illegal migrants if we had ID cards.
33:46Oh, shut up.
33:48It's no good telling the Brits that this is what they do in France.
33:50They will hate it even more if you say that.
33:51Yeah.
33:52LAUGHTER
33:52This government will make...
33:54Oh, here he comes.
33:55..a new free-of-charge digital ID mandatory for the right to work.
34:01He's giving it us for free, thank you.
34:04We don't want one.
34:05Let me spell that out.
34:07You will not be able to work in the United Kingdom if you do not have digital ID.
34:13It's as simple as that.
34:15You like it when Keir gets all stern, don't you?
34:18Chilling, isn't it, Natty?
34:20Not really, cos nobody's going to obey him.
34:23The digital ID cards could look a bit like this.
34:25Oh, I like that.
34:26It would be like a dating profile.
34:28But, like, when you go, I can work here.
34:30If you're a tech whiz, and a bit of a wrongun, you've got a good opportunity here.
34:36Look, he's got the Union Jack on, though.
34:37All those flag wavers are going to be happy about that.
34:40According to Labour Together, a think tank which is close to the Prime Minister.
34:44I'd like to push Starmer into a think tank, Mary.
34:48We don't want to be a kind of society where people might be stopped in the street and
34:51ask for their papers, whether that's physical ones or on a smartphone.
34:55But if somebody needs my ID, I've got my wallet on me.
34:58And I've got my driving licence.
34:59Google me.
35:03And that is not the way to stop the boats.
35:05No, it's not the way. What is the way then, Helen?
35:07The fact is, Keir Starmer has rushed out this policy as a smokescreen for all the problems he's facing.
35:13She's absolutely right.
35:15Distraction.
35:16It's a distraction.
35:17It's something he wanted to say at the Labour conference to try and build up, like, you know,
35:23a little bit of confidence. It ain't going to work here.
35:26I'm surprised it's a digital idea, not just a chip off my bum.
35:30That will happen as well, Watson.
35:31Bum chip.
35:32You know where you, well, you might not, but where you go and get your gel nails and all that business.
35:37I know one, my friend was having her hands done, and she only got half a hand done because they were raided.
35:45So she had one hand with nail varnish and one without because they were raided.
35:48So will they give these people cards?
35:58In Blackpool.
36:00I read a Chinese fake away last night. It was absolutely fucking gross.
36:03Dossier.
36:04Well, no, the gross thing was the curry sauce that I put on it.
36:07Err.
36:08Pete and his little sister, Sophie.
36:10You know, me and Paige are Chinese the other day, and we were both sat on the couch,
36:14soft button under her, and Jean's like, I feel ill.
36:16Yeah.
36:17All that MSG.
36:18Yeah.
36:19You've got to have no plans.
36:21Paige's on the kebab train now.
36:22Oh, finally.
36:23Yeah.
36:24Took a long enough.
36:24Only chicken, though.
36:26Ah, chicken.
36:26But this is what I like about it.
36:28She goes, I'll have a chicken, I'll have a chicken one.
36:30And then, as soon as my large donor tips up, she goes,
36:33can I have a couple of strands of dinner?
36:36And I'm like...
36:37Right!
36:38Go!
36:38It was a juicy psychological thriller about a mum, a son, and his girlfriend that had
36:44us gripped on Prime Video.
36:46I've seen adverts.
36:48I've heard people say, ooh, are you watching The Girlfriend?
36:51I have my son and his fiancée.
36:53I'm going to see where I fit in as an overbearing mum.
36:56Oh, you're definitely in the overbearing, I'm sure.
36:58Well, we've both got boys.
37:00Do you reckon you'll be a monster-in-law?
37:01Probably.
37:02Yeah, me too.
37:03I plan on it.
37:07The Girlfriend.
37:08The Girlfriend.
37:09That's something I've not shared in a while.
37:12Do you know what?
37:12I do miss having a girlfriend, but I love having a wife.
37:15Yeah.
37:16See, you know, you can't have it always, can you?
37:18Yeah.
37:19Girlfriend's easy to get rid of.
37:21Welcome.
37:26This is The Girlfriend.
37:28Yes, Cherry's The Girlfriend.
37:29Laura, nice to see you.
37:32Uh, not really.
37:34Oh, Cherry.
37:34Laura, that's the mother-in-law.
37:36And that's Daniel, the son.
37:38What do you think?
37:38I...
37:40Listen, modern architecture is lovely.
37:43She don't like it.
37:44Is it a sound investment?
37:45Well, it's better than a crusty pre-war maize net.
37:48She'd have to rip everything out and start again.
37:50She wants modern, does Cherry.
37:51There's a bit of point scoring.
37:53It's a bit frosty, Tracer.
37:55Yeah, yeah.
37:55A bit frosty.
37:56So here we are.
37:58Oh, here we go.
37:59Here you are.
38:01OK.
38:01Ooh!
38:02She's from a council estate.
38:04Oh, right.
38:05Oh, so it's class, then.
38:07A mother's a butcher.
38:08It's to do with class.
38:09No, it's just that she lied quite a bit at the beginning.
38:12Well, I'd lie and all.
38:13And his mother found out.
38:16This is it, you see.
38:16Did I not make myself clear?
38:18Oh!
38:19Hey!
38:19Oh, she looks quite a hard woman, doesn't she?
38:21She does.
38:21Laura.
38:22Stern.
38:23Yeah, but the thing is, I'm not a child and you can't tell me what to do, so.
38:26Move on.
38:27He's mine now.
38:28Your lies will catch up with you eventually, Cherry.
38:31I'm going to make sure of it.
38:32Oh, what does she know?
38:33What lies?
38:34What does she know about Cherry?
38:35Who's the villain in this, do you reckon?
38:36I'm not sure, but Laura's intense.
38:42God, this is nice.
38:43Where are we now?
38:44North London.
38:44I mean, there's trees and everything.
38:46Mr. Sanderson.
38:47Oh!
38:50Oh, my giddy arm.
38:52What the hell is going on?
38:53Lace and nipples are covered.
38:55Yeah.
38:55It's half the battle.
38:56You're staying over again.
38:58Oh, we're going to have to start charging you rent.
39:00Well, yes, they are a couple.
39:02Daniel and I were just talking about his birthday tradition.
39:06What's that?
39:07She's got that horrible fake smile all the time, hasn't she?
39:10For Saturday.
39:11Oh, what tradition?
39:12Spending it with me and every waking moment with me.
39:14Yeah, yeah.
39:15He and I go away.
39:16With no-one else.
39:16Yeah.
39:18So, every year, Mum and I go and see a musical,
39:21and then we eat dumplings in Chinatown until we explode.
39:24Oh, lovely.
39:26And you're not coming.
39:28That's a shame.
39:28I sort of booked a little surprise trip for us this weekend.
39:33Uh-oh.
39:34Well played.
39:36Oh, where to?
39:38You're not invited.
39:39Um, went to sleep.
39:41It's climbing.
39:42You're kidding.
39:43Look.
39:44I love this.
39:47He's on the fence now, and Cherry's giving it there.
39:51We could shift our plans to next week, right?
39:54The dumplings he'll keep.
39:56He's chosen, Cherry!
39:57One-nil.
39:58Of course, honey.
39:59That's fine.
40:00Oh, she's got the amp.
40:02She'll be fucking fuming, Laura.
40:08Jesus, Daniel.
40:09Oh, God.
40:10Oh, climbing.
40:10I can't think on out west.
40:11If somebody said to me, we're going rock climbing,
40:13I went, sure are, then.
40:15Have a nice life.
40:16Yeah, I wouldn't know.
40:17I'd sooner go to the musical and stuff myself with dumplings.
40:20I would.
40:21Apparently, this one's a little tricky.
40:24But you got this.
40:24Daniel.
40:26You OK?
40:26No, not really.
40:27Oh.
40:28Well, would you trust her to hold your rope?
40:30Is there no professionals around with crash mats and stuff?
40:37Oh, it ain't hooked to anything.
40:39Oh, shit, that's high.
40:43It's a serious climbing, Jane.
40:47Yes.
40:48Don't pull him off.
40:50Not on the rock, Jen.
40:51No, not on the rocks.
40:52You don't want to pull it off.
40:54Are you not clipping in?
40:55Yeah, get a clip in there.
40:56That's all right.
40:57I don't need all of them.
40:58You do need to clip in.
40:59Why?
41:00He's not clipping in.
41:01What's clipping in?
41:02In the window, attach it to the rock thing and do that.
41:05Mm-hmm.
41:06OK, watch this.
41:08What's he going to do?
41:09Nothing good comes after.
41:11Watch this.
41:12Don't be so cocky.
41:14Exactly.
41:18Don't be a hero.
41:19I don't want to see this.
41:21If he falls, Simon, I'm really going to...
41:25No!
41:25You see?
41:26Oh, shit, shit!
41:30Oh.
41:31Should have clipped in, Daniel.
41:32That's what you get with showing off.
41:34Oh, man.
41:35Later, with Daniel's life hanging in the balance, Cherry was desperate for news.
41:41Laura?
41:41Hi, Cherry.
41:42Laura, hi.
41:43Thank you so much for picking up.
41:45How is he?
41:46What's she going to say?
41:48I need to see him.
41:49I'm driving up today, OK?
41:50There's no need to come back, Cherry.
41:52Why not?
41:53He's still there.
41:54Daniel's gone.
41:55He died this morning.
41:57He's not dead yet!
41:58Liar!
41:59She is twisted.
42:04I actually can't believe she's just said that.
42:07That's disgusting.
42:09I know you can hear me.
42:11I'm right here, buddy.
42:12So, what happens if he pulls through now?
42:14It's a bit munch housing, isn't it?
42:16Yeah.
42:20Oh, wow.
42:21Oh, my God, he's coming back.
42:23Is he breathing?
42:24It's a miracle.
42:25Daniel?
42:25He's waking up!
42:30Is he coming out?
42:30Come on, Daniel, keep going!
42:34Oh, you bastard!
42:35Waking out.
42:36Oh, I'll have to wait till the next one, now.
42:37He didn't even say no, did he?
42:38He just went...
42:41You see, I've told little porkies in the past to Paige, you know,
42:45like, when she's gone out with her mates for the weekend or whatever,
42:48down south, and I've said that I've put a mirror up.
42:51You know, I've just deferred the problem to down the line.
42:53Yeah.
42:53Because I know that she's going to come home and see that the mirror isn't up,
42:57but in that moment, she's happy that I've done it.
43:00And the kids definitely haven't had a kebab for the tea.
43:03Yeah.
43:04No, McDonald's.
43:06Not spending kebab money.
43:08Well, they're not having fucking doner meat.
43:11That's for daddy.
43:14In Leeds.
43:16I shaved my armpits this morning.
43:18Bloody hell, nothing for a treat, isn't it?
43:19We've got a child-free night tonight as well, but I'm in a mood with him, so...
43:23Sisters Ellie and Izzy.
43:25You'd better get out of that mood if you want to get your end away.
43:28Listen, look at them legs.
43:30Oh, no, you've shaved your armpits.
43:31I shaved the pits, but I didn't do the legs.
43:33But Elvis has got a beard.
43:34Elvis has got a beard, yeah.
43:37On Friday, it was Rodents on the Rampage that made headline news on the BBC.
43:42Bubble.
43:43Lunchtime news. Focus.
43:45You're not ready for some news? Hopefully it's good news.
43:50Hopefully the news is as good as this Cinnabon.
43:53Now, rats can cause a range of problems.
43:56Nah, I'm done. Nah. Whoa.
43:57No. Mm-mm. Long tails.
44:00No. My mum was a pet rat.
44:01I know she did. She called it Ascot.
44:04There were more than half a million reports of infestations involving the animals between 2023
44:10and this summer.
44:12They're everywhere. You're only 10 metres from a rat, aren't you?
44:16I haven't heard any rats this year yet, Mary.
44:18As well as food waste and sewage systems, climate change appears to be helping drive the rise.
44:24Oh, great.
44:25Another thing we have to thank climate change for, more rats.
44:29It's dawn on a small housing estate in Croydon.
44:32Oh, dear Croydon. Why would it be in Croydon?
44:35Yeah. And the residents are waking up. And not just the humans.
44:43With rats on the ground, in the sewers, above your head, in the trees.
44:48In the trees?
44:49Wait, wait. Since when do rats go on trees? I thought that was squirrels.
44:54Wait, wait, what? They've adapted. They've adapted.
44:59And of course, in the bins.
45:01In the dust bin, you see? Yeah.
45:02It's all that food people leave out.
45:04I started to get this smell in the kitchen constantly.
45:06What's Ed Sheeran doing living in Croydon?
45:09I'm just going to go on the news, but I won't put my top on if it's all right.
45:14I can hear them in the cupboard, even to a point where in one morning,
45:17I woke up and I can hear them fighting.
45:19You know, that's the last thing you want to hear, you know,
45:22rats fighting over your Cheerios in the cupboard.
45:24Clean Kill, the company tackling the infestation on this estate.
45:28Can you imagine doing that job?
45:29No, I couldn't, Jenny. No, I can't either.
45:31No.
45:31Oh, there you go, there you go.
45:33Ow!
45:34Wasn't he meant to be catching the rat?
45:35He was meant to be catching the rat.
45:36He was terrified of it.
45:37Climate change may be speeding things up,
45:40but the rise of the rats is really a reflection of who we are.
45:43Them rats are looking well healthier, I'm not going to lie.
45:46Yeah, they do look like they're eating good, innit?
45:47Yeah.
45:48We're going to be outnumbered by rats before long.
45:50I think we're outnumbered by rats anyway.
45:52It's not AI we need to worry about.
45:54It's rats.
45:56Do you remember that little shrew we had in this cottage?
45:58Stuart Little.
45:59Yeah.
46:00He was sweet.
46:01Do you remember, he was so tame that he went across the wall.
46:05He kept bringing dry leaves in to make a nest.
46:07He used to come across the floor, Mary.
46:09In front of us.
46:10And then make a little nest underneath, and then we had to tidy it away,
46:14and he started all over again the next day.
46:16He was sweet.
46:18Then I found him drowned in a dog bowl.
46:24From pretty huge to has anyone ever been this big before?
46:27The whole Swifty Showgirl story streaming right now.
46:31And young, never been away, Brits get paired with pensioners
46:34who thought their travelling days were done for a race across Japan.
46:37Worlds Apart begins Tuesday after Bake Off at 9.15.
46:41Well, skits and giggles next.
46:43Mitchell and Webb are on the way.
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