- 3 hours ago
Have I Got News for You - Season 70 Episode 1 -
Victoria Coren Mitchell, Sheila Hancock, Miles Jupp
Victoria Coren Mitchell, Sheila Hancock, Miles Jupp
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00:00Oh, my God, I'm not at all symmetrical.
00:03Do you know, Victoria, it's funny you should say that,
00:06but I discovered today that my head's not on properly.
00:12So have sympathy with me.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:52Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:55I'm Victoria Corrin-Mitchell in the news this week.
00:57After a bruising summer, a reinvigorated Keir Starmer
01:00emerges from number 10, determined to project a new air of stability.
01:09In Pyongyang, Kim Jong-un finds a way round his dietician's
01:12strict orders that no more alcohol should pass his lips.
01:15LAUGHTER
01:18And on a visit to a hospital in Harrow, a member of staff asks Rachel Reeves,
01:33where's that toss-a-whiz street-ing?
01:42On Ian's team tonight is an actress who in 2016 appeared in an episode
01:45of Casualty and will be appearing again this year when her
01:48follow-up appointment finally comes through.
01:50LAUGHTER
01:51Please welcome Dame Sheila Hancock.
01:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:59On Paul's team tonight is a comedian and actor whose twins were born
02:02during the London 2012 Olympics.
02:04Now, that's what I call an opening ceremony.
02:06Please welcome Myles Jupp.
02:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:10We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:16Paul and Myles, here's yours.
02:20Keir Starmer, hopefully that's his wife, otherwise it's a bit brazen,
02:22isn't it?
02:23Oh, hello, that's not his wife.
02:25Oh, yes.
02:26That's Andy Burnham.
02:27Well, he won't, he won't.
02:28Yep, yep.
02:29So, that's the Labour Party conference.
02:30Next question.
02:33What were they up to?
02:34What was the spirit of the conference?
02:36What did you say was the spirit of the conference, Myles?
02:37Oh, one of celebration.
02:39Yeah.
02:40Erm...
02:41One of certainty.
02:42Yeah.
02:43Really just about supporting the British flag industry.
02:46Yeah.
02:47Wherever it's manufactured.
02:50I think they wanted to give it a sort of
02:53last night of the Labour Party feel.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:56Oh, dear.
02:58You are horrible.
03:00LAUGHTER
03:01You're right.
03:02I thought it was quite good.
03:04I thought the conference was quite good.
03:06What were your favourite bits?
03:07Well, his speech.
03:08Yeah.
03:09I thought he did well.
03:10He's not an orator, bless his heart.
03:12Must be a real problem for him.
03:14But he did well, didn't he?
03:16To be honest.
03:17High praise, indeed.
03:18Not everyone was on board with this patriotic flag waving.
03:21One person on social media said of Starmer,
03:23Oswald Muesli strikes again.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:26Oh, my God!
03:27Starmer was enjoying himself, though.
03:29I mean, look, here he is on the TikToks.
03:31Another busy day at conference.
03:33Lots of energy.
03:34Lots of vibe.
03:35LAUGHTER
03:36Oh, bless.
03:37You're hopeless.
03:38He's hopeless.
03:39He's got to get it together.
03:40LAUGHTER
03:41You know how you said you thought it was really good?
03:42No, I just want it to be good.
03:43I'm desperate for it to be good.
03:44I did hear a number of people saying that his speech wasn't bad.
03:46Oh, that's all right.
03:47Well, that's all right.
03:49I mean, one of the stories of the conference was Andy Burnham,
03:50saying, erm, I mean, everyone's asking me to stand against Keir Starmer.
03:53I mean, you know, I'm true, I wouldn't dream of it, but they're all asking.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:57He's hopeless.
03:58He's hopeless.
03:59He's got to get it together.
04:00LAUGHTER
04:01You know how you said you thought it was really good?
04:02No, I just want it to be good.
04:03I'm desperate for it to be good.
04:04I did hear a number of people saying that his speech wasn't bad.
04:07Oh, that's all right.
04:09I mean, everyone's asking me to stand against Keir Starmer.
04:12I mean, you know, I'm... I wouldn't dream of it, but they're all asking.
04:16And then everyone throws their hands up and then he says,
04:20Leader! Oh, no, I don't...
04:23So you've got a whole week of that.
04:25In the end of it, everyone says,
04:27Why do people say Labour are in a bit of a mess?
04:30He seems to have backed off completely now.
04:32Do you think that's because he thought he wouldn't win?
04:34Probably. Probably as well.
04:36I'm so much nastier than you.
04:38Two of them.
04:39Oh, no, that's not fair Ian. You're nastier than most people.
04:44One unnamed Labour MP told The Telegraph,
04:47It's only Keir Starmer's force of personality
04:50that's keeping this government together.
04:53What was the slogan, the Labour Party's slogan for the conference?
04:57Help.
04:59Was it that Britain is at a fork in the road?
05:01Yeah. Snappier than that.
05:02Fork.
05:04We're all forked. We're all forked.
05:06We haven't got a forking idea.
05:10Renew Britain.
05:11That's it.
05:12Yeah, yeah.
05:13It wasn't their first choice, but Reform UK was already taken.
05:16Yeah.
05:18What was missing from his conference speech?
05:21A trapeze axe?
05:23That was the Lib Dem conference.
05:24Oh, yeah.
05:25Oh, yeah.
05:27There wasn't a great deal of policy.
05:29There was a line of policy, but he was advised to take it out,
05:32which was something on the economy that promised growth you can feel in your pocket.
05:37LAUGHTER
05:43You've made that up.
05:44Oh, yeah.
05:45No, no, no, no.
05:46Really?
05:47One of his aides said,
05:48Oh, can you stop saying growth you can feel in your pocket?
05:50Oh, no.
05:51I promise you that's real.
05:53He'd take your mind off the economy, though, wouldn't he?
05:56LAUGHTER
05:58He had something on virtual hospitals.
06:00What do you think, Miles?
06:01Is that a good idea, virtual hospitals?
06:02I'd be terrified by the idea of a virtual...
06:04I think, anyway, I had brain surgery four years ago.
06:07Did they find anything?
06:10They had their best people on it.
06:11No, no, nothing.
06:12The idea, I would, yeah, a virtual hospital,
06:14I would have thought I had to do the thing myself at home.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:18You know, you'll need the following tools
06:20assembled in front of you before you start.
06:23Well, he did mention one idea,
06:24which was the digital ID cards.
06:26Yes.
06:27That's come back.
06:28Before he announced the plan,
06:30digital IDs enjoyed 35% support amongst voters.
06:34Mm-hm.
06:35And what happened after he announced...?
06:36It dropped down to 17%.
06:38Minus 14%.
06:40LAUGHTER
06:41Why does everybody get their knickers in a twist
06:43about identity cards?
06:45I mean, during the war,
06:47I can give you my identity number now.
06:49It's CJFQ 29 stroke 4.
06:52We all had to learn it.
06:53But there was a war on, wasn't there?
06:55I know, I know.
06:56But there's a war on now, mate.
06:58There's not...
06:59LAUGHTER
07:00APPLAUSE
07:02I'm sorry, I'm not being very funny,
07:08but it's difficult to be funny, isn't it?
07:10Well...
07:11LAUGHTER
07:12Don't look at me.
07:13I'm doing my best.
07:14LAUGHTER
07:15Who's set to benefit from the introduction of ID cards?
07:18ID card manufacturers.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:21Yes.
07:22Yes.
07:23And one particular one, do you know who that is?
07:24Oh, is it the Tesco club card people?
07:26Yes.
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28They actually make a real difference.
07:29You get astonishing discounts.
07:30LAUGHTER
07:32I was thinking of the company Multiverse,
07:35who's been chosen to run the digital ID cards scheme.
07:39And whose company is that?
07:41Is that the man who's got links to the Labour Party?
07:44It's Ewan Blair.
07:45Mmm.
07:46It's a happy coincidence, isn't it?
07:47It is.
07:48For balance...
07:49Yes.
07:50Can we think of any Tories where...
07:54It was in the news this week that business went in their direction...
07:57Oh, yes.
07:58..by having a coincidence?
07:59Michelle Moan?
08:00Baroness?
08:01Dame?
08:02Lady Moan, yes.
08:03Lady Moan.
08:04Yes.
08:05Lady Moan.
08:06I've seen that film.
08:07Have you seen it?
08:08LAUGHTER
08:10Now, well, actually, this is quite a sweet story because she...
08:13LAUGHTER
08:15In what way is it sweet?
08:17It's about people...
08:18It's about mobility, really, because she went just from being
08:21in the House of Lords...
08:22LAUGHTER
08:23..to being able to secure a £122 million PPE contract,
08:27which is incredible, really.
08:28It's an incredible journey for anyone to go on.
08:30LAUGHTER
08:31And the other thing about it is,
08:33they had no experience whatsoever of manufacturing or selling PPE.
08:37So, in a way, it's an underdog story.
08:39LAUGHTER
08:41It's like Steeple-Singerby Wonder Woman winning the FA Cup.
08:44It really is.
08:45APPLAUSE
08:47We've got a Billy Elliot of our time.
08:49LAUGHTER
08:50And, again, you know, the villains here are the press
08:52who revealed that she'd asked Michael Gove,
08:55who was then in the Cabinet, whether she could join the VIP Fastlane
08:59and recommend this company, PPE Med Pro, to get the contract
09:05and then was asked by horrid journalists saying, you know,
09:08is this company run by your husband?
09:10And, no, she absolutely, you know, denied it.
09:13And then it turned out to be a lie
09:15and all the profits had been put offshore
09:18from a Tory baroness, which she then lied about.
09:20And now she's absolutely furious at being caught.
09:23LAUGHTER
09:24So, if they're not going to vote Conservative
09:26and the Labour Party's falling apart, what's the danger?
09:29I think that the other left-wing parties, I like both of them,
09:32the Lib Dems and certainly the Greens.
09:34I love this new guy that's gone into the Greens,
09:37despite all the stories about tits and things that they've had.
09:40LAUGHTER
09:42Again...
09:44What newspapers are you reading?
09:46LAUGHTER
09:47They dug up a thing that he was a hypnotherapist
09:50and he made women think that their breasts will grow quicker
09:53under a trance or something.
09:55I mean, it's rubbish.
09:56He did, no doubt, Sheila.
09:57He did tell the son that he could use hypnosis
10:00to make women's breasts bigger.
10:01I think he called it growth.
10:03LAUGHTER
10:05And not just in his pocket.
10:07LAUGHTER
10:08To be fair to the guy, when I met him, I was a 32B.
10:11So...
10:12LAUGHTER
10:13Never assume.
10:14APPLAUSE
10:15But they...
10:17Surely Keir Starmer seems to think the danger is reform, though.
10:22All of the party conferences were obsessed by reform.
10:25I mean, someone did a count of how many times reform was mentioned
10:28and the Conservative Party wasn't mentioned at all...
10:32No.
10:33..in most of the conferences, including the upcoming Tory party conference.
10:37LAUGHTER
10:38Do people talk about them too much?
10:39I mean, shall we have a look at Ed Davies' conference speech?
10:42Yes.
10:43Oh, bless him.
10:44Let's see.
10:45Nigel Farage.
10:46Nigel Farage.
10:47Farage has changed.
10:48Farage is Britain.
10:50Farage is...
10:51Farage is Britain.
10:53Nigel Farage.
10:54Farage.
10:55Farage.
10:56Farage.
10:57Farage.
10:58Farage.
10:59Farage.
11:00Farage is Britain.
11:01Farage is Britain.
11:02Not Farage is Britain.
11:03Farage is Britain.
11:04Farage is Britain.
11:05Farage is Britain.
11:06Thank you!
11:10Was that the speech or has it been edited?
11:12Yeah.
11:13LAUGHTER
11:14It's almost...
11:15It's all one sentence.
11:16Yeah.
11:17Do you think...
11:18Ian, I mean, presumably over the course of this series,
11:20people will say, probably they're already saying,
11:22the show is now mentioning Nigel Farage.
11:24Yep.
11:25And the press is...
11:26Yeah.
11:27And that is the dilemma.
11:28Do you address what he's saying?
11:29Because it seems to be either wrong or in need of correction
11:32or dangerous or incitement or hypocritical or whatever.
11:35I mean, people mispronouncing his name.
11:37It's far right.
11:39LAUGHTER
11:40It's a minor thing, though.
11:42APPLAUSE
11:43I like stories about Farage.
11:48I like the story where someone said,
11:50have you set up a company to put all your earnings in?
11:53And he said, yes, I have.
11:55Companies actually employ people.
11:57They create employment.
11:58Do you think that's bad?
11:59Anyway, we went and had a look at his company.
12:01You know how many people it employs?
12:03One.
12:04LAUGHTER
12:05Mr N Farage.
12:06LAUGHTER
12:08It's like when he bought a house.
12:10Farage made a huge fuss about Angela Rayner
12:12and the details of her property deal.
12:14And then it turns out that his own property deal
12:17was controversial and questionable.
12:19Anyway, I'll just mention a few things.
12:21LAUGHTER
12:23APPLAUSE
12:26Did you see any of the reform conference?
12:29I did.
12:30Oh, did you? Yeah, what happened?
12:31Did you go?
12:33Yeah.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:35Yeah, he was a mystery object.
12:37LAUGHTER
12:39Would you like to see a highlight of that conference?
12:41Is it the singing?
12:42Yes.
12:43Oh, good. Yeah, let's have that.
12:44I'm an insomniac
12:46I'm an insomniac
12:48Staring at the ceiling
12:51The way you're about to return
12:54Yes, I'm an insomniac
12:56I'm an insomniac
12:59What the hell is this?
13:14That's Andrea Jenkins, former Tory MP.
13:17Apparently she did an interview just recently saying she did it on the spur of the moment.
13:21Nobody knew she was going to do it.
13:24Can you imagine for artists going, oh, my God.
13:27LAUGHTER
13:28When she was a Tory, she was sitting where you were on this programme.
13:31Oh, no, really?
13:32I was on that thing. You said, I don't think we'll see her again.
13:34LAUGHTER
13:36Now look what you've done, Ian.
13:38Now she's on Britain Hasn't Got Talent.
13:40LAUGHTER
13:42And it's her song.
13:44It is. She's written it, hasn't she?
13:45She wrote it.
13:46In the middle of the night, presumably.
13:48LAUGHTER
13:54What other starry name was at the conference?
13:56It should come back to me.
13:58Everyone's favourite former daytime host Jeremy Kyle was there
14:03doing stuff for the reform...
14:05You've grown now.
14:06I would keep your powder dry.
14:08Yeah.
14:09LAUGHTER
14:10Jeremy Kyle was there working for the sort of live stream,
14:14you know, reform TV.
14:15Yeah.
14:16But he seemed a little bit distracted.
14:18Let's have a look.
14:19You can look around here.
14:20Burgers, dogs.
14:21We must go and get a burger in a minute.
14:23I haven't had any breakfast.
14:24I haven't had any lunch.
14:26Come and sit here.
14:27I'm knackered.
14:28I haven't had any breakfast.
14:29Come and sit down.
14:30It's very well organised.
14:31They're all having lunch and I'm doing this.
14:32Is anybody in the hall watching this?
14:34Are they all having lunch?
14:35I don't.
14:36What was the thought behind that?
14:37Look at the media.
14:38They're just having chips.
14:40Boys, come on.
14:41I haven't eaten yet.
14:42I've had no lunch at all.
14:44None at all.
14:45I've been on the bus.
14:46I've been everywhere.
14:47Dean Norris, which is one of them that's come over today,
14:48which could really help us.
14:49How did she...?
14:50I was in here trying to get something to eat.
14:52Unsuccessfully.
14:53LAUGHTER
14:55Do you think a party that can't organise breakfast for one person
15:02should run the country?
15:04Well, yes.
15:05Breakfast means breakfast.
15:07LAUGHTER
15:08I think we've made some quite valid points about how hard it is
15:12to work properly.
15:13I've actually got some Haribo.
15:15How hard it is to focus on your job.
15:19Have you got hungry?
15:20Yeah.
15:21Yeah.
15:22It's impossible.
15:23Starmix.
15:24Terrific.
15:25LAUGHTER
15:26APPLAUSE
15:28This week, Keir Starmer addressed the Labour conference.
15:33Before Keir Starmer's speech in Liverpool,
15:35delegates were given stress balls.
15:37Mm-hm.
15:38Isn't he married to a vet?
15:40LAUGHTER
15:41Also this week, the High Court ruled Baroness Mohn
15:44must pay back £122 million in PPE contracts.
15:48Mohn complained about the verdict on Instagram,
15:50saying she'd endured five years of pure torture.
15:53She should go uppercut size.
15:55LAUGHTER
16:01The Times revealed Baroness Mohn has recently taken her luxury yacht
16:04to the south of France, the Caribbean and the Maldives.
16:07Two of those to escape the stress and one to visit her money.
16:10LAUGHTER
16:12Ian and Sheila, here's yours.
16:15That's Trump and Putin.
16:17Yeah, that's an autocrat with...
16:19Oh, there's another autocrat.
16:21There he is.
16:22He's checking his flight.
16:23LAUGHTER
16:24I think this is about Trump.
16:26He's been meeting lots of people.
16:28What does he think he's capable of doing?
16:30Everything.
16:31Ending wars.
16:32Ending wars, yeah.
16:33He's ended seven of them, including ones that didn't exist.
16:36LAUGHTER
16:38Shall we have a look at that claim?
16:39Yeah.
16:40In a period of just seven months,
16:42I have ended seven unendable wars.
16:46They said they were unendable.
16:48Everyone says that I should get the Nobel Peace Prize
16:51for each one of these achievements.
16:53What wars is he talking about?
16:55War of the Roses.
16:56LAUGHTER
16:57He couldn't remember half of them,
16:59and then he made up other ones.
17:00There was one about...
17:01I think he was trying to say Azerbaijan or...
17:04Armenia and Azerbaijan.
17:05Armenia.
17:06Here he is boasting about that.
17:07To think that we settled...
17:09Er...
17:10Aber...
17:11Bajan...
17:12And...
17:13Albania, as an example.
17:15LAUGHTER
17:16But there are serious political commentators in America now on television
17:27are saying he's shown flashes of insanity quite often.
17:30Should he win the Nobel Peace Prize?
17:32I don't think he'll see the year out.
17:34LAUGHTER
17:35And, of course, Donald Trump is now going to bring peace to the Middle East.
17:39He says he can achieve that.
17:41What's his big idea?
17:42A few weeks ago the plan was to ship all the Palestinians out
17:45and turn the place into a strip joint.
17:47LAUGHTER
17:48But now he's decided there's going to be peace there,
17:51and all this has been agreed,
17:53and he stood there with Netanyahu nodding,
17:55and then Netanyahu goes off to a press conference and says,
17:57yeah, we're not going to withdraw,
17:59and Trump goes on and says, I've solved it.
18:01And he literally said, I'm going to bring eternal peace.
18:04LAUGHTER
18:05I mean, he does think he's gone now.
18:07I mean, obviously all this is incredibly bleak
18:09and it's been a particularly horrible week.
18:12So, having solved all these wars, he now says, right,
18:14Gaza is going to be run by the Board of Peace.
18:16Yes.
18:17The Board of Peace.
18:18Yeah.
18:19And who, with a magnificent record of bringing peace to the Middle East...
18:22Tony Blair!
18:23Yes.
18:24Is that a good idea?
18:25Well, he did help bring peace to Ireland,
18:27so he was involved with that.
18:29Yeah.
18:30But other than that, no.
18:31LAUGHTER
18:33Do you not think they'll run it really well?
18:35LAUGHTER
18:36I just hope they keep fronting away from the button
18:39or whatever it is you press.
18:40If he's got a button, I don't think it's connected to anything.
18:42LAUGHTER
18:45He's completely losing it.
18:46He assembled all the generals the other day
18:48just to tell them how he's good at walking upstairs.
18:51Yeah.
18:52So, you guys ever walked upstairs?
18:54Yeah.
18:55It's a whole audience full of adult men.
18:57Yeah.
18:58Yeah, yeah, we've walked upstairs.
19:00Oh, no, to be fair, the Americans have always fought wars
19:02on complete flat surfaces.
19:04LAUGHTER
19:05We're not going up there, we're like Daleks,
19:07we're not going up there.
19:08LAUGHTER
19:09Did you see this?
19:10Pete Hesketh, who's his Defence Secretary...
19:11Yes.
19:12..they got all the admirals and generals in at very short notice
19:16and he said,
19:17we've had enough of people with beard...
19:18Beardos!
19:19LAUGHTER
19:20They are beardos.
19:21And you're thinking, well, J.D. Vance has got a beard.
19:24LAUGHTER
19:25And then he said, we're not having anyone fat.
19:27Trump!
19:28Commander in Jews!
19:29LAUGHTER
19:30Oh, the man, he's just...
19:31Can we talk about something else?
19:33It's...
19:34Have we done, Trump?
19:35Yes, done.
19:36Done.
19:37In that case...
19:38APPLAUSE
19:39I'll ask you something else.
19:40What major event of cultural significance
19:42is about to take place in the Middle East?
19:44Ooh, is Jeremy Kyle going to have lunch?
19:46Yes.
19:47LAUGHTER
19:48Yes.
19:49APPLAUSE
19:50I think, yeah,
19:52a bit of hummus, sort him right out.
19:54It's just...
19:55It's about taking the edge off, isn't it, really?
19:56Oh, this is a Saudi Arabian comedy festival
19:58featuring a bunch of comics who desperately knew the money.
20:00Jimmy Carr is one of them.
20:01LAUGHTER
20:02Getting paid huge amounts of money
20:03to go to a place where human rights don't exist.
20:05Who's the audience?
20:07Who are they playing to?
20:08Rich Saudi Arabians are...
20:10I mean, it's not difficult flogging seats,
20:12let alone flogging the audience.
20:13I can't imagine Jimmy Carr going down that wide.
20:16LAUGHTER
20:17I don't think Jimmy's opening with that one.
20:20LAUGHTER
20:24Tell you what, you'll laugh your head off.
20:27LAUGHTER
20:29You going to play that festival, Miles?
20:31Yeah, probably.
20:32LAUGHTER
20:33Who's looking? Sorry.
20:35LAUGHTER
20:37Just give me one email or contact, I'll follow it up.
20:40LAUGHTER
20:41This is Donald Trump's continued attempt to win a Nobel Peace Prize.
20:46As he announced his peace plan,
20:47Trump claimed it was one of the greatest days ever in civilisation.
20:51Right up there with the day he found two yolks in his boiled egg.
20:54LAUGHTER
20:55Trump's board of peace to end all conflict in the Middle East
20:58will include Tony Blair,
21:00though his colleagues famine, pestilence and death are yet to sign up.
21:03LAUGHTER
21:04Time now for the odd one out round, just one between you this week.
21:10They are American Ryder Cup fans,
21:13the Bishop of Fulham,
21:15Jeremy Clarkson and a Bavarian slug.
21:19Yes.
21:20I know the story about the Bishop of Fulham.
21:21Yes.
21:22Yeah.
21:23There was a choir in a church above where he lives as bishop
21:27and he went down at the end of their concert in a dressing gown
21:30and told them to shut up.
21:32Yeah.
21:33And he said, this is my house, get out.
21:36Um, cos he didn't like the noise.
21:38Do you think it's all objecting, apart from the fish?
21:41You're trying to win this quiz, this is fabulous.
21:44LAUGHTER
21:45We've never had this before.
21:46Well, they're all objecting.
21:47He was objecting to... To what?
21:49..country people having to pay inheritance tax.
21:52Clarkson, yeah.
21:53These people were shouting at the golfers for some reason.
21:56Yeah.
21:57So they were probably objecting.
21:58And the fish is nice, it doesn't object to anything.
22:01It's a slug.
22:02It's a slug.
22:03It's a slug.
22:04But it's so nice it doesn't mind being called a fish.
22:05Yeah.
22:06LAUGHTER
22:07Call me what you like.
22:09Call me what you like.
22:10It's a good answer, but it's not what's on the card.
22:13Oh.
22:14Is it noise?
22:15Yeah, the golfers made a noise, didn't they?
22:17Yeah, the American fans were very, very rowdy.
22:20And the slug was arrested by the Metropolitan Police.
22:24LAUGHTER
22:25Well, you're joking, but the slug was arrested by police.
22:28Oh!
22:29You're kidding.
22:30What?
22:31The Bishop of Fulham is the odd one out because he was the only one not
22:33arrested by the police.
22:34The Bishop of Fulham is the odd one out, but it is because of noise.
22:37Ah.
22:38Because he complained about the noise and all the others caused noise.
22:42Ah.
22:43The Bavarian slug?
22:44It was in a corporate block in Bavaria.
22:46Yes.
22:47And the residents got very worried because somebody kept ringing the
22:51doorbell.
22:52Yeah.
22:53But no-one was at the door.
22:54Oh, right.
22:55So, obviously, they suspected a klingelstreich.
22:56What's that?
22:57Like a knocked-down ginger.
22:58Oh, yeah, OK.
22:59Someone rings at the doorbell and runs away.
23:00And they called the police.
23:01Yeah.
23:02It was a slime trail, but Michael Gove had an alibi, so...
23:05Yeah.
23:06LAUGHTER
23:07APPLAUSE
23:12They realised that it was a slug sliding across the senses.
23:17Here it is.
23:18How does the fish get up there?
23:21LAUGHTER
23:24And what noise has Clarkson been making?
23:26Er, is it his pub?
23:28Residents have complained about loud music late into the night.
23:31Oh, right.
23:32I'm not sure that's the nicest picture of Jeremy Clark's.
23:34We've got a nice one, actually.
23:35We've got one of him smiling.
23:37LAUGHTER
23:38Is that really him?
23:40Yes.
23:41He's wearing a wig, isn't he?
23:43LAUGHTER
23:44On the subject of pubs, what's special about this pub?
23:47It's the first ever Greg's pub.
23:50Oh.
23:51Yeah, Lee.
23:52Ooh.
23:53Is it only so pies?
23:55Greg's the Baker branched out into pubs.
23:57Yeah.
23:58It's called the Golden Flake Tavern.
23:59Wow.
24:00Where is it?
24:01I don't know where it is.
24:02Is it?
24:03They're going to...
24:04Leeds, probably.
24:05No, it's in Newcastle.
24:06LAUGHTER
24:07The sort of thing you'd find in Leeds.
24:10LAUGHTER
24:11The sort of thing made like pies.
24:14LAUGHTER
24:15It's in Newcastle.
24:16Newcastle?
24:17It's in Newcastle, yes.
24:18I think it sounds wonderful.
24:19They're going to have Sunday roasts with steak and chicken bakes.
24:23Mm-hm.
24:24And Greg's-inspired cocktails.
24:25Yeah.
24:26What?
24:27I think it's a Negroli.
24:28LAUGHTER
24:29Very good.
24:30Very good.
24:31Audience one.
24:33Very good.
24:34And, yes, the American Ryder Cup fans, they chanted USA, USA, USA.
24:39Yes.
24:40And mashed potatoes.
24:41How do you handle hecklers, Miles?
24:44Well, if people shout mashed potatoes, I immediately...
24:47Well, I get peeling.
24:48LAUGHTER
24:49You are very different from the English golfer Ian Poulter.
24:55He said that golfers should get one taser per hole.
24:59LAUGHTER
25:00How many's he got?
25:01LAUGHTER
25:02And, er...
25:04Shall we...?
25:05LAUGHTER
25:06What a lucky remark!
25:07LAUGHTER
25:08How did European fans try to wind up the American golfer Bryson DeChambeau?
25:15Someone ran on and removed his trousers.
25:17LAUGHTER
25:18They shouted, D-bag!
25:19And, er...
25:20No, pile on!
25:21LAUGHTER
25:23They chanted, You're French and you know you are.
25:26LAUGHTER
25:27Time now for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication,
25:34Harmonica Happenings.
25:36And we start with...
25:37Pet experts say the best way to calm your cat down is what?
25:42Kill off all the dogs.
25:44LAUGHTER
25:46Sadly illegal.
25:49LAUGHTER
25:52Pets experts say the best way to calm your cat down is to give it a glass of wine.
26:01This is a company in New Zealand which has launched a range of wines for cats.
26:05Not sure how much of a wine connoisseur a cat can be,
26:07but the taste is bound to make a refreshing change from its own arse.
26:10LAUGHTER
26:13Next.
26:14Thinking of taking up the harmonica, then you should what?
26:19Contact the Samaritans.
26:20LAUGHTER
26:22Thinking of taking up the harmonica, then you should start by puckering your embouchure.
26:27Oh.
26:28Is that what cats do?
26:30LAUGHTER
26:32Lastly, pensioner delights country fair by showing off what?
26:36Massive bullocks.
26:38LAUGHTER
26:39Is it withered sprouts?
26:41LAUGHTER
26:42Is it that they've paid off their mortgage years ago?
26:45LAUGHTER
26:46And now we're just enjoying life.
26:48LAUGHTER
26:49Pensioner delights country fair by showing off his 50-centimetre-long aubergine.
26:54LAUGHTER
26:55Here is the veteran vegetable grower Peter Glazebrook with his prize-winning aubergine.
26:59It doesn't look that big to me. I mean, that sounds...
27:02LAUGHTER
27:03I mean...
27:04LAUGHTER
27:05Christ, Victoria.
27:06Four and over.
27:07Bloody massive, we can all see that, for goodness sake.
27:10Possible standards to aspire to.
27:12Bloody size of that thing.
27:14LAUGHTER
27:15So the final scores are Ian and Sheila have four, Paul and Myles have six.
27:19APPLAUSE
27:22Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
27:25Yes.
27:26Ian and Sheila have this.
27:27Anyone seen The Turd?
27:28LAUGHTER
27:30Paul and Myles, get this.
27:32So the doctor says, how long has that been there?
27:34And the monkey says, I woke up a morning and there she was.
27:37LAUGHTER
27:39LAUGHTER
27:41On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Dame Sheila Hancock,
27:46Paul Merton and Myles Jupp.
27:48And I leave you with news that at a society wedding in Belgravia,
27:51one guest spots Prince Harry across a crowded room.
27:54LAUGHTER
27:57LAUGHTER
27:58In Shropshire, a couple of bystanders come to the assistance of a local man
28:01who took an unlicensed super-strength dose of Viagra.
28:05LAUGHTER
28:10And in Washington, one customer is delighted to have found a depilatory cream
28:13that actually works.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:18Good night.
28:19APPLAUSE
28:20Now, no filter or cringe.
28:35Alan Partridge returns on a mental health mission asking,
28:39how are you?
28:40New Next.
28:41APPLAUSE
28:42APPLAUSE
28:44.
28:53.
28:54.
28:55WELL?
28:56.
28:57.
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