- 2 days ago
Brassic Season 7 Episode 2 - Germany
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Misunderstanding about the room and oh oh now we're talking
00:10The overzealous but uh very effective
00:19Hello, who is this? We've got I can't hear a word. You're saying
00:23I said we have your wedding. Howl? No, fucking forget it, postpone the wedding or the owl gets it
00:33Just to be clear, we're not actually killing the owl. I'll kill you before I kill the owl
00:41Sorry, excuse you. You look like a man who knows how to enjoy himself
00:46You got that right. We're men of means. We're men of the world. What say we find ourselves a couple of companions
00:55for the rest of the evening? Unfortunately, Rory, no stairs behind me. Oh, I've met a wonderful woman and I'm getting itched
01:04Yeah, well what the eye doesn't see the heart can't mourn
01:11Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. What happens in Holly stays in Holly definitely some fucking couch is she? Oh, yeah, let me tell you
01:22Amazing in the bedroom. Oh what she can do with her tongue. Yes, let's be laws against
01:30Yeah, so apart from the occasional condom wank
01:35I'm a one-woman man
01:37Oh
01:39Oh
01:47Sorry lads, I tried everything, but there's no chance he's cheating on mrs. B. He is smitten this lad
01:51We saw he's all smiling for look at his eyes look at his little face. He don't know dear
02:00Excellent work fella
02:03Go Ashley
02:08You've got me my venue
02:11I hope you have the most wonderful day
02:17Release the homes
02:26Fabulous money-making capable of you ever flown come fly
02:29I mean the people are my airline
02:32It's like a rochdale nightclub and throw down time hideously ugly people going on endos and lads weekends
02:39Mick the builder with his tuts and he's big-tick
02:43You'll think you haven't got three brain cells between them come fly
02:48Taking hideously dunked chavs abroad since 1982
02:51Awesome
02:52Awesome
02:54Fly
02:54Fly, fly, fly
02:56A prominent pr mogul has resigned today after making a series of disparaging remarks about the customers of one of his biggest clients
03:04Earlier today a private conversation was published
03:07Which has been told when made a series of shocking comments about customers of one of his biggest clients
03:12I never came down
03:16Smag your love like a fever
03:20Smag your love like a fever
03:24Smag your love like a fever
03:26Smag your love like a fever
03:27Smag your love like a fever
03:32Smag your love like a fever
03:34Smag your love like a fever
03:36I hope my duck
03:37Here I am
03:38Guess where?
03:39Ireland
03:39With my wife
03:40Carol
03:40She wants to show me where she grew up
03:42And she says we might even meet a leprechaun if we're lucky
03:45Oh yeah
03:45We'll probably see some leprechauns
03:46But they'll probably be cobbling their shoes
03:48Cobbling their little boots
03:49Or is it a joke?
03:51Anyway
03:52I love you man
03:53And er
03:54Don't die or anything
03:56Oh, he's a fucking heart-breaker.
04:05Do you think, then?
04:06I think you've done a good job.
04:08Mmm.
04:09I am concerned your dad might not approve with your career choices.
04:12Oh, fuck him, me dad's a cunt.
04:15You have a lot more in common with him than you know.
04:19God.
04:23What the fuck?
04:26Oh, I'm just sorry.
04:28Hang on a minute, I'll be back.
04:38Davy?
04:39Not me, governor.
04:40Davy, what the fuck are you doing, man?
04:43Now the name is Alfred.
04:45Alfred Barnard.
04:53How are you gonna report this?
04:54Wherein lies a very cunning plan, which involves me going for four days to Dusseldorf.
04:59You are here for the bukkake?
05:01Yeah, right.
05:02What's the worst that could happen?
05:03No, no, no, no, no!
05:06You didn't take the insurance?
05:07No.
05:09You mentioned bukkake one more fucking time!
05:19Fingering fish again.
05:20Let's give the best goodbye to the beautiful man that was Dylan Golden.
05:27Go and give your friend a fantastic send off.
05:30The funeral he would have wanted.
05:33Come on, let's have it!
05:34Scream if you wanna go faster!
05:35Are you gonna go faster?
05:36Whoooooooosed!
05:37Uh...
05:38pitches and claps
05:42Oh fuck.
05:43Oh, fuck.
05:44Blub!
05:50Cl kein cagney!
05:52Stop wriggling dude!
05:53Stop wriggling, dude!
05:54I've got a dead leg!
06:02Too young to die.
06:03And they were truly loved!
06:04Yeah, I'll learn to drive!
06:06There was a blowout!
06:07Sonny's gonna be perilous.
06:08He's gonna have to live with Sugar's mum!
06:11That is bad, actually.
06:12What we're drinking and a bad taste in men.
06:14Shrek, could we just stop talking and concentrate on not dying, please?
06:23We're the ever-loving fucker, Jim and Shirley!
06:33Siri, take me to Calvertdale.
06:36Directions to Calvary Sailing Club, Stoke-on-Trent.
06:39Calvertdale!
06:40Calvertdale, you cunty cunt!
06:43Cunty, cunty cunt!
06:45Playing country music songs from Spotify.
06:47Oh, for fuck's sake!
06:51Here we are. Here we are.
06:52Guys, it's Jim and Shirley.
06:53Hey!
06:54Hey!
06:55Huh?
06:56Stop!
07:03Oh, fuck!
07:08Hi-ho!
07:13Don't know why you bother turning up.
07:15I could probably do this with my tractor.
07:17My tractor's an ox.
07:18My tractor's stronger than your tractor any day of the week.
07:21Your tractor's a lady tractor.
07:24Your tractor's a cunt!
07:25Your tractor's a cunt!
07:26Hey!
07:27Hey!
07:28What is some fucking vomit?
07:29Get a move on!
07:30All right.
07:31Get your fucking hair on.
07:32Come on.
07:35Right, come and hurry up!
07:38Okay.
07:39We need to motor that pulling at the same time.
07:42I'll count us.
07:43We'll go on three.
07:44Ready?
07:45One, two...
07:46And then the70's Ree sind!
07:50Oh, shit!
07:51Oh!
07:52Ah!
07:58Ah-aah!
08:03Ah-aah!
08:09Oh!
08:10He's got to drag us over the edge.
08:11Oh shit...
08:12I baili round him.
08:13Oh, God.
08:22For God's sake.
08:28Look at how we slowed its fall.
08:30You might still be alive.
08:32Get some help.
08:34We're getting some help.
08:36Hold on.
08:37Siri, call Martin Rescue.
08:39Calling Martin Riskay.
08:41For God's sake.
08:44The best things in life are free.
08:47But you can give them to the birds and bees.
08:50I mean, I want one.
08:52I want one.
08:53I want one.
08:54I want one.
08:55I want one.
09:01I've been at this.
09:05Mmm.
09:06Fucking hell.
09:07What the fuck are you doing?
09:09I'm humming.
09:10Coming?
09:11No, I'm not fucking coming.
09:12I'm humming, and you've ruined it.
09:14It's a Hindu tradition.
09:16It's supposed to help you.
09:18I don't know.
09:18Shack for a summit.
09:20So it's true, then.
09:21What they're all saying.
09:23You've gone weird.
09:24I haven't gone weird.
09:25I'm just trying to reflect a bit, that's all.
09:28We all nearly died that day, Vint.
09:31But there's still pigs to feed, and shit to be shoveled.
09:34Come on.
09:35Taking you for a pint.
09:36Hey, I'm not going drinking.
09:38I've read about it.
09:39It just contributes to it all, doesn't it?
09:41Depression and...
09:43Fucking anxiety, isn't it?
09:45Fuck me.
09:46This is more serious than I thought.
09:48Look, I'm no counsel of him.
09:57But as that cunt out of Mark and Mindy said,
10:00when he got those little privileged twats to stand on death in that poetry film,
10:05carpe diem.
10:07You'll be right.
10:09I'm just...
10:10Fuck me, man.
10:12My head.
10:13I don't know why it does it.
10:14It just...
10:15I get really sick of myself.
10:20And there's times where I just think, fuck it, you know?
10:23I wish for this sweet oblivion.
10:26And then I get to it, and I just...
10:31You want to live?
10:32Yeah.
10:34Me too.
10:37And this is a year of buccacke.
10:43Dude, what the fuck?
10:45We're in a good spot, guys.
10:47We're doing well.
10:48You know, there's no bloody McCann.
10:49He's dead.
10:50Bloody Manolito, he's fucked it as well.
10:53No one's trying to cut anyone's todger off.
10:55I say, we just go back to ways of old.
10:57You know what I mean?
10:58We grow the weed, sell the weed.
11:00The odd fucking job on the side tech each day as it comes.
11:02Lovely.
11:04Why are you putting your hand up, dude?
11:06I've been talking with my wife and Carol.
11:10We were thinking that maybe it's time to quit while we're red.
11:14What the fuck?
11:15What do you mean?
11:16I mean that we're in a better place, me and her.
11:20And we're not getting any younger, Vin.
11:23And I want to get old with her without being not alive.
11:27He's got a point, Vin.
11:28And that coach, right, it's not the first time we've nearly been killed.
11:30Get over.
11:31I mean, all right, give me another example of when we've nearly been killed.
11:35Come on.
11:36There were that town downstairs, weren't there?
11:37Big old Fatberg and that, you know.
11:39Blocking us in.
11:44All right, the sewer's in a bloody coach.
11:46What else?
11:47The line.
11:47The line was dangerous.
11:49It was a fucking kid's caged.
11:5260-ish percent of the time it was caged.
11:55All right, what about the time when Tillerton's head came off?
11:58Fucking gang shooting us.
11:59Fuck you!
12:00Shit!
12:01Gang!
12:03Yeah, thinking about it, you know, we have been shot at on multitudinous occasions.
12:12It's going to fucking sound bad when you list it like this, all right?
12:16I'm not risking prison again.
12:18Yeah, we've got Sonny now, we can't take them risk any more.
12:20I've been developing a YouTube personality, actually, and I've been getting quite a lot of followers.
12:25What about you?
12:26Me?
12:27Oh, you know, me, Vincent.
12:28Fingers in so many pies, they call me Frebentos.
12:31Fucking fact, get jobs then, get jobs, and pay taxes like dickheads, trying to fucking Darrell from accounts.
12:38I'm still available.
12:39Oh, you and your face.
12:41Settle, petal, simmer down.
12:42I've just fucking crossed with you all.
12:44While I've been working out how to keep us all together, you fuckers have been trying to move on.
12:57You're fucking unbelievable.
12:58That's it.
12:59That is the start of the fucking end right there.
13:01Oh, fuck, it's Mrs. Bishop.
13:15Daphne?
13:16Hello, boys.
13:18Now then, oi, whatever it is, we're closed for fucking business.
13:21What do you want?
13:22Want me?
13:24I'm just here to see a few friends of mine.
13:26Toodle-oo.
13:30Friends.
13:31She hasn't got friends.
13:32She hasn't got fucking, she's up to some shit, is what she's...
13:35The only time she ever comes here is because she wants something nasty doing to one of her shag pieces.
13:41Well, she's fucking up to someone.
13:42I'm telling you now, dude.
13:43God.
13:45All right!
13:48Oh, for fuck's sake.
13:48Who the fuck are these tight-skinned fucking whippersnappers?
13:51Just give her the money.
13:52Fuck me, it's a new gown.
13:53I fucking told you.
13:54We have left the vacuum, and these, they've come, and they've shagged the vacuum.
13:58And fuck, check this out, mate.
13:59Oh, stomp it.
14:00Stomp, stomp, Hagrid.
14:01You're not doing this.
14:02The fuck is all this shit, eh?
14:06Friendship, my fucking cockhole.
14:07What's she fucking paying you to do, this bastard here, eh?
14:10Who the fuck are you, you tattooed old twat?
14:13Oh, that was really fucking rude, Madden.
14:15Rude.
14:16Very rude.
14:16Rude as Iscariot.
14:17Yeah.
14:18Although, to be fair, you are very heavily tattooed, and, you know, nobody likes this chin one.
14:21I regret it.
14:22I'm getting married, Vincent, telling these lovely young people to help make my day go
14:28utterly perfect.
14:29All right, quick question.
14:30Who the mucky fuck would want to marry you?
14:33Wouldn't you like to know, Tomo?
14:35But it's real love this time, and...
14:38After all the years that I've wasted with that long...
14:42What's up, man?
14:42Oh, bastard or something.
14:45I think I finally deserve...
14:47Here we go.
14:48...some...
14:49I mean, look at this shit.
14:52Do you know what I mean?
14:53This is what you're going to be working with.
14:55It's a fucking nightmare.
14:56Listen to me.
15:01Give over now.
15:03When these fuckers mess this job up, please don't come crying to me.
15:07I'm out like hulkers-pulkers.
15:09Poof.
15:12Bastards.
15:13Did I flounce out of it?
15:16You flounced a bit.
15:17What the fuck is God done, my fucking head in?
15:19Oh, hang on.
15:20Oi.
15:22Vincent O'Neill.
15:24You all right?
15:26You don't remember me, do you?
15:28Mm.
15:29No.
15:30Do you want to enlighten me?
15:32Say hello to my dad, will you?
15:33If you see him.
15:34Mm.
15:35Yes.
15:36Who the fuck is her dad?
15:37I don't fucking know.
15:39Her and her dad can kiss my bum hole.
15:43Oh, my fucking God.
15:44Dude, that's Jim's daughter.
15:46Alison.
15:47Yes.
15:48Back here?
15:48Yes.
15:50I haven't seen her since her mum poisoned her against me.
15:54How's she looking?
15:55She's fucking bonnie.
15:56I mean, she looks nothing like you.
15:57You know what I mean?
15:58Thank Christ.
15:59That's the thanks you get for wiping their arse.
16:02For cradling them through sleepless nights.
16:05No, that's a lie.
16:06I don't think you ever did.
16:07Anything like that.
16:09Well, it's not the fucking point, is it?
16:11I was there, providing.
16:13Yeah.
16:13Working my hands to the bone to put fucking rusks in a slobbery little gob.
16:18Oh.
16:19And just because I had a sexually adventurous love affair behind a mother's back,
16:23and she got the wrong end of the stick when she caught me in the back of that mini metro
16:27with her best mate's mum, she ditches me.
16:30Selfish.
16:31Her own father.
16:32Unreal.
16:32Not a call, not a fucking text.
16:35Hey, she's not me favourite daughter, but I'm fond of her.
16:40What a beautiful story.
16:42By a wonderfully beautiful man.
16:43You're a dick, dude.
16:44Do you want my advice?
16:45Fucking bell her up.
16:47Life's too short to be holding grudges, Jimbo.
16:50Yeah, right.
16:52Maybe.
16:53Fucking maybe.
16:53Oi, and you can ask her what she's bloody up to and all.
16:56She's a rum fucker.
16:56I want to know what she's doing.
16:58Hey, there'll be something good.
17:00She was very bright, Ali.
17:02Took after her old man.
17:04Wow.
17:05Hey, hey, fucking hell.
17:07Fucking brain the size of a planet, me.
17:09It's a planet made of gas and white dog shit.
17:12Oh, you...
17:12Oh, fucking hell.
17:15Oh, madam, the plot thickens.
17:17Check that out.
17:18My bitch ex-wife is getting married again.
17:22Right.
17:23The minute the divorce came through, bang, ring on her finger.
17:27The guy's loaded, of course, owns his own PR firm.
17:31And I'm telling you now, she only wants his money.
17:35All right.
17:35So what's it to you?
17:37Well, she takes me for half of my cashing
17:39and she's going to get her hands on somebody else's money.
17:40No, no, no, no, no.
17:41Not on my watch.
17:43Here, is this ornamental?
17:45No.
17:46It looks ornamental.
17:48Well, it's not.
17:50Don't fucking hurt yourself, it's a great big sword, love.
17:52Yeah, yeah.
17:53I mean, so, um...
17:55What have you done to your finger, then?
18:00Just an accident.
18:02An accident with a fish.
18:06I am not fingering fish.
18:09We didn't say that you said that.
18:09No-one mentioned it.
18:11Just...
18:12So, come on, then, what do you want us to do?
18:15Fuck the wedding up.
18:16Oh.
18:17Get the whole thing cold off.
18:20This now.
18:21And then the same again when she's crying into her tiara.
18:24You can't ruin a woman's wedding.
18:26It's the happiest day of her life.
18:28Have you met my ex?
18:29No.
18:31No?
18:32Well, at least I'll tell you.
18:33She's a piece of work.
18:34I mean, she's what you'd call your common and garden,
18:37run-of-the-mill,
18:38bellend.
18:39Listen, listen.
18:40I'm grateful you brought us the job.
18:42But we're fucking thieves, aren't we?
18:44Professional thieves.
18:46Our skills aren't tailored to breaking up fucking relationships, man.
18:49Hmm.
18:50So you can't do the job, then?
18:51No, we can't, no.
18:53Yeah.
18:54Right, OK.
18:55It's just that I've heard about another crew roaming around
18:57that might not pass up my money, so...
18:59Really?
18:59A young guy, eh?
19:00Fuck off.
19:01God, for fuck's sake.
19:01Well, then, all right, then.
19:03He's got us there.
19:04It's a bind.
19:04Mm.
19:05Oh, and this time,
19:07I want to see your mastery at work.
19:09I know where he lives.
19:10Huh?
19:12I'm in.
19:14Ah!
19:14Ah!
19:15My fucking top!
19:17What the hell?
19:18Not ornamental!
19:21What are we doing here?
19:23I can't believe you're dragging me into this.
19:25No, no, no, no, no.
19:26Don't you fucking dare, because, right,
19:27a hearse is the perfect cover, isn't it?
19:29Besides, what the fuck else are we doing today?
19:31Actually, nothing.
19:33It's very quiet.
19:35Dead, is it?
19:36Dead.
19:37There he is.
19:38Kenton Baldwin.
19:39Director of Kenwin Public Relations.
19:43Biggest client, Come Fly Airlines.
19:45Ah!
19:47Yes, exactly.
19:48And a smugger twat you could not hope to meet.
19:51We should go to his bins.
19:52Dig up some dirt.
19:53He keeps his bins down the side of his house.
19:56We'll have to gain access through this fucking front gate.
19:59Yeah, no problem.
20:00Just buzz in and say we're bin men.
20:03It's okay.
20:04All right, I'm sorry to break it to you, love,
20:06but it ain't that simple.
20:10Hello?
20:11Bin men.
20:13Oh.
20:14Fair dues.
20:15Fair dues.
20:16Okay.
20:18His car's there.
20:18He might be in.
20:19Hurry the fuck up.
20:20This wasn't what I had in mind.
20:21So listen, we'll do the paper, you do the journey.
20:24Do you know, for a traveller,
20:25you're surprisingly all fair with suburban bin divisions,
20:28aren't you?
20:28I take my recycling very seriously.
20:29Good for you.
20:30Oh, now look at this.
20:32This breaks my heart.
20:34Some idiots that are emptying the bathroom bin in here.
20:36Is that paper?
20:37No.
20:37Is that paper?
20:38No.
20:39I swear to God,
20:40if I was Prime Minister,
20:41I'd make it a fucking hanging offence.
20:43Right, well, I don't think they do hanging anymore.
20:44Well, I bring it fucking back.
20:45Right.
20:47What is it?
20:49Used condom.
20:49A very used condom wrapped inside a tissue.
20:52What's that?
20:53Used condom?
20:54Wait, let's have a look.
20:55Out the way.
20:56Oh.
20:57Oh.
20:59Oh.
21:04That is not old spunk.
21:06That is fresh.
21:07How deep were it?
21:08How's she supposed to know how deep it went?
21:10In the bin, you clown.
21:11Not the fucking vagina.
21:13Right.
21:14Here?
21:14That's two or three days tops then, that, isn't it?
21:16Yeah, so, here's the thing.
21:18If Daphne has not been over in his house in the last two or three days,
21:22then this, my friends, could be our smoking god.
21:25Hey!
21:26You won't be, man!
21:28Fuck!
21:29Maddie, maddie!
21:29Ooh, go on, then.
21:30Right, we found his back statements.
21:55here here and here last June we have this ob pay ob pay what the fuck's ob pay
22:02well quite yes meaningless and benign to the untrained eye but to the trained eye
22:06i.e. this guy ob pay is very much the method of payment employed in your adult
22:12establishments oh that's fantastic that is good news right all right so he's fucked then got a bit of dirt on him there we've got the used Johnny got the wank codes you want dirt?
22:22locking bins very cocky energy coming off you michael
22:29well i mean i seem fucked in it we've got dirt on him already oh yes he's definitely giving the grab-em-by-the-pussy vibes
22:37well do come in won't you what i've been thinking like him with his long-lost son i want to try and be a part of ali's life again
22:44uh but uh but uh but hang on a moment right because hans never knew me i never knew hans
22:51whereas your alison might have got the measure of you you manky old scrolt in her prepubescent years
22:57oi fucking tom thumb i'm a fucking changed man i'm fucking mellowed
23:04i want you to broker the truce
23:08what the why do i have to fucking do it
23:11well it be your idea
23:12please then eh
23:14all right then where can i find her
23:16here i told her mother that i would have poured in me an errands and i needed a number to fill out the forms
23:23eh
23:24not a daft cunt
23:27right you've only got a few minutes okay
23:30i know it not that long
23:33right
23:35nice
23:36allison
23:40dad
23:42me little girl
23:45you're a woman
23:49a bloody good looking woman as well
23:52mind you
23:55your mother was hot
23:57in a day
23:59not now
24:01not now
24:02now she looks like she's been left out in the sun too long
24:05and no amount of botox
24:07is going to be
24:08yes
24:09yeah
24:10yeah
24:11i just want to say that
24:14i know i wasn't a great husband
24:18and there definitely
24:20could have been a better father
24:21yeah we can say that again
24:23well let me fucking finish
24:24oh come on
24:25you're either farming or drinking or trying to get your leg over anything that moved
24:29well
24:30back then it was fucking
24:32work hard play hard wasn't it
24:34a fucking pre me too
24:36you could slap a woman on the arse
24:37no
24:38and that was considered a
24:39no no no just
24:40fine
24:41fine
24:42i'm sorry
24:47i was a bad father
24:50i don't want a second chance
24:52to be part of your life
24:54yeah all right
25:01i mean
25:05well seeing as we're clear in the air though i am i would like you to admit one thing to me
25:09andrea was always your favourite
25:10you're your favourite?
25:11our parents don't have favourites
25:12lying bastard dad come on
25:13my grown woman i can take it
25:14i know you loved me i just
25:15i always felt you loved andrea that little bit more
25:19all i'm asking is for you to finally admit it
25:26no more than 64 sir
25:27wow
25:29mmm
25:30arsehole
25:32i hope you die old and lonely you got all dressed up and you're still
25:34in the air
25:35in the air
25:36in the air
25:37in the air
25:38in the air
25:39in the air
25:40in the air
25:41in the air
25:42in the air
25:43how do you think that went then?
25:46how do you think that went then?
26:13Now, then.
26:19Do you live in this thing?
26:21Yeah.
26:23Me and Faye.
26:24An old fixed abode and all that.
26:26I think it's fucking cool.
26:27So, are you, er...
26:29Are you back for your dad or what?
26:31No.
26:33Faye just seems to think we'll get more work round here, that's all.
26:35Mm.
26:38Hey, you grow the best weed in Harley.
26:40I do.
26:41I grow the best weed this side of Amsterdam.
26:43You can tell you're shagging mates, that, I know.
26:46Just take your time, it's a bit strong.
26:48That is good.
26:49It's all right, innit?
26:51So, how's it going with Mrs Bishop?
26:54Good, good, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:56Erm, fantastic.
26:57The fantastic bit?
26:59That's a fib, that.
27:00I'm getting definite fucked it vibes here.
27:02No, I've not.
27:03Yes, you...
27:04No, I've not!
27:05Give me that back.
27:06Your vibes are all wrong, mates.
27:08Take your fucking old man vibes and your vibermeter
27:11and go and buy some fisherman's friends or whatever.
27:13Well, fucking fine, I will, then.
27:14Fine!
27:16Fine.
27:16But I'm telling you, I've got a real feeling
27:18that you might have fucked this thing right on up there.
27:22Fuck.
27:22Fuck.
27:22Well, there was a slight hiccup.
27:28Oh, fucking sick.
27:29Explain yourself.
27:31Cheers.
27:32She said her first wedding was awful
27:35and the minute she stepped in the venue,
27:37she knew it was cursed.
27:39But I can sense that the marriage wasn't going to be a happy one
27:44and that man who stole the best years of my life.
27:48But this time, I've got my heart set on Arderley Hall
27:51with its crittle windows and Georgian buttress in.
27:55The problem is, it's a very popular venue
27:58and it's booked up for years in advance.
28:01They only do weddings on a Saturday.
28:03So they've popped me on the waiting list,
28:04but no fucker's cancelling,
28:06so I'm having to take matters into my own hands.
28:08She's a lunatic, honestly.
28:10I've acquired a list of all the brides
28:14that are due to get married in the next six weeks
28:16and if by some terrible misfortune,
28:20one of these couples should happen to change their minds.
28:24It means that I get the wedding of my dreams.
28:27She's selfish, spiteful and fucking mean-spirited.
28:32Anyway, we decided we weren't going to hurt anyone.
28:34Right, so what have you done?
28:36So, you know my girlfriend, Faye?
28:38The one that called you?
28:39Tatted old twat.
28:40Yes, yes.
28:42So we chose the first people off the bishops' list.
28:44Martin Dale and Jennifer Frost.
28:46Love you, Marty Pop.
28:47Love you, Jen Jen.
28:50I looked them up online.
28:52They're, like, super square, super conservative.
28:54So Faye decided the best course of action was...
28:58Animal porn.
28:59But a fucking animal porn?
29:01I know, that's what I said.
29:03But listen, you guys are old school.
29:05Our generation, we know about tech and all that stuff.
29:07It's the best way to screw people over.
29:09We'll plan it on his computer.
29:11Then we'll bell her up, anonymously, and tell her where to find it.
29:18And within a day or two...
29:22I can't do it!
29:25Oh, fuck!
29:26The wedding's off!
29:28Jen!
29:30So what have you done, then?
29:31Well, it was all going swimmingly.
29:33We followed him to this cafe, filmed his laptop password.
29:36So all we needed to do was break into the house, find the laptop, and plant the porn.
29:42Right.
29:42Now, our guy Baxter, he is top at break-ins.
29:45Trouble is, he's not the brightest spark.
29:47The stupid, thick bastard gets inside the house, finds the laptop,
29:51and all he has to do is transfer the contents onto the laptop.
29:54Knocked out cold.
29:59Now Martin arrives home, finds him.
30:02Police get called.
30:03Oh.
30:04Mm.
30:06Now his brother Darren's saying he hasn't the stomach for it,
30:08so it's just me and Faye.
30:11Oh.
30:13Oh, all right, you smug twat.
30:15I know what you're thinking.
30:17What am I thinking?
30:18Young idiots, not up to the task.
30:20That is exactly what I'm thinking.
30:25You know, I always admired you when I was a kid.
30:28When you used to come to the farm,
30:30I thought you were a bit like Robin Hood.
30:33Fuck you, really?
30:35No, I'm being serious, I am.
30:37You know, he always used to say, like,
30:39we're the forgotten generation, us lot, so we make our own rules.
30:43I mean, that's how we feel now.
30:45We just need a bit of guidance, a bit of time to learn,
30:47someone to learn from.
30:48No, you can't seriously be suggesting
30:51that I work with you and fucking Peter Pan.
30:53Oh, come on!
30:54We're young, we're energetic.
30:57And from what I'm hearing,
30:58your guys aren't so enthusiastic anymore.
31:01My guys are just, you know,
31:05busy with a lot of different...
31:07They'll be back, they're all going to fucking...
31:09Listen, don't you worry about my guys.
31:12New blood?
31:13What new blood?
31:14And they've got a tough one, too.
31:16And Jim's daughter's a computer whiz.
31:18What? Really?
31:20Jim's daughter.
31:22Have they got a vehicle guy?
31:24They've got a vehicle guy.
31:26And they've got Bishop's jobs, too.
31:29It's like the old days.
31:31I'm thinking one more job wouldn't hurt, would it?
31:33Yeah, one more job, yeah.
31:39One job?
31:40Like the old days?
31:41What are you saying?
31:42No, no.
31:43I'm going back to Blackpool in a couple of days.
31:45Sugar?
31:46Tom, I'm not helping you ruin the happiest day of a woman's life.
31:49All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
31:50Okay, much as I am sympathetic to your romantic inclinations,
31:54let me tell you this, sweetheart.
31:56This list, right, is exclusively made up of...
31:59How do I say this?
32:00Bosh cunts.
32:01It's a fucking double-barreled bonanza over here.
32:03You've got, uh...
32:05Hayley Taylor-Clark, Miranda Morgan-Fry,
32:08Sarah Cheeseman, that's just...
32:10Sarah Cheeseman?
32:11Hello.
32:15I'm in.
32:17Right, come on now.
32:19Concentrate, let's get started.
32:20What about Cardi?
32:21Has he said he's coming?
32:22Not in so many words, no.
32:24Well, he fucking knows where we are, doesn't he?
32:26He changes his mind.
32:28We're fucking up two weddings today we need to do in a specific order.
32:30First, we're going to fuck up Cheeseman's wedding, all right?
32:33Mrs Bishop pays us.
32:34Then, we fuck up her wedding,
32:36and Mr Bishop pays us for that, all right?
32:40First up, Sarah Cheeseman's.
32:43Yeah.
32:44Cheese off!
32:44We have a few options open to us.
32:46Yes.
32:46Number one, we cut off all her, including her eyebrows.
32:51I like that.
32:51Number two, we mangle her hands so they can't get ring on.
32:55It's a bit much, that, isn't it?
32:57Mm-hm.
32:58And C...
32:59No, no.
33:00It's not one, two, C, is it?
33:01It's not one, two, C.
33:02It's one, two, three.
33:03Right, well, whatever, three, C, whatever.
33:04We go for the teeth.
33:06Teeth.
33:07No.
33:07Teeth.
33:08Hang on a minute, am I hearing this correctly?
33:09Who is going to mess up her teeth?
33:10Can we not just shave her shagging hair off?
33:12What if she wears a wig?
33:13What the fuck do her eyebrows, Ashley?
33:16Lord, fire!
33:17I mean, she's not going to want to get married looking like fucking Beaker.
33:19Bald cunt with the glasses on.
33:20The Muppets, it's the same one.
33:22Dr Bunsen.
33:22That's the bastard, well in, dude.
33:24Wait, Muppets.
33:25Is that the one with the frog that's, like, wanting to fuck the pig, but the pig's, like,
33:28all cunty and, like, waxing with a karate chop, but he still, he still fucking wants her.
33:33Honestly, that is such a fucking weird take, but yes, that is the Muppets.
33:36That is, that is the Muppets, isn't it?
33:38Yeah, she got it.
33:38Fucking shut up.
33:39I think we should split into two groups, all right?
33:41We've got Cheeseman group and Mrs Bishop group.
33:43Find out how we can shave Cheeseman's hair off.
33:45Okay, here we've got her personal calendar.
33:48How did she get into that so quick?
33:49Easy peasy.
33:50Let's have a look.
33:51We've got nail appointment tomorrow, dress pick up, fiance suit from dry cleaners, cake and
33:56favour deliveries.
33:57God, getting married is stressful.
33:59Tell me about it.
34:00What's O-W-L?
34:01It's a nighttime bird.
34:03It's an acronym.
34:05Google it, JJ.
34:06All right, okay.
34:09Overwhelmingly large.
34:10Olympic weightlifting, old women's league, online weekend learning.
34:13It's none of them, is it?
34:14Ongoing weight loss.
34:16Bingo.
34:17That's the one.
34:17Well done.
34:18Right, yeah, but that's not what we're looking for, is it?
34:20I know, there's literally everything here except a hair appointment.
34:24Are we going to fuck it up if we don't even know when it is?
34:26Won't you have it done on the day?
34:28Have it done on the day?
34:30There'll be pre-treatments, trims, root tints, conditioning masks.
34:32For me, this is personal, so I'm going to that nail bar.
34:35I'm going to get reacquainted with an old friend.
34:38Right, I need to ask you this question.
34:40Why do you hate her so much?
34:41It's a long story.
35:01Right, let's just say we're getting our nails done for a weekend away, all right?
35:05We're getting our nails done for a spa weekend, when we can just get them done there.
35:22That's true.
35:23Because we've been before, and the woman who does them has the worst halitosis you've ever smelled.
35:28Oh, God, the disgusting bitch.
35:31Okay, all right, we're good in the story.
35:32All right, let's go.
35:33Oh, my God!
35:42Sarah!
35:44Erin?
35:45Yeah.
35:45Hi.
35:46Hi.
35:47How long's it been?
35:49Years.
35:50Years.
35:50Girls, this is Sarah.
35:53We used to work together back in the day.
35:55Well, she used to work for me.
35:57I was the assistant manager.
35:58She was store supervisor.
36:00It's so nice to see you again.
36:02Yeah.
36:03How old's that little boy of yours now?
36:05Er, 12.
36:06Gosh, big.
36:08Big.
36:09You did so well having him on your own.
36:11I suppose you had no choice.
36:13Baby with a one-night stand.
36:14Oh, that's a lovely ring.
36:17When's the big day?
36:19Wedding's on the 12th.
36:20Ardly Hall.
36:21And you won't believe the ceremony I've got planned.
36:23Oh, I was just telling Benita here about it.
36:25Honestly, I am so excited.
36:28My Jed is a huge Harry Potter fan.
36:30Is he?
36:31Grown man.
36:31He loves it.
36:32He's read all the books.
36:33He's watched all the films.
36:35He even refers to his, you know what, as his magic wand.
36:39Oh!
36:39Anyway, as a surprise, I'm decorating the chapel at Ardly in a Hogwarts theme.
36:47It's a great idea, isn't it?
36:49And the crowning glory, and I can hardly believe I've managed this,
36:53I've hired the North's only fully trained owl
36:56to swoop down on cue over the guests' heads
37:01and deliver our rings for the vows.
37:03Wow.
37:04That's quite something.
37:07It'll be a hoot, Harry Potter.
37:11You what?
37:12You know, Dobby, the elf thingy.
37:16Slam my ears in the oven door to punish me.
37:19Dobby only meant to mutilate Master.
37:22Okay, enough, Dobby.
37:22Master gave Dobby...
37:23That owl's going to be the centrepiece of the whole wedding.
37:27It's going to be the most perfect day.
37:30What happens if the owl doesn't perform?
37:33Well, it will perform.
37:34Or it gets disciplined.
37:35And I've got a rehearsal with the handler, so...
37:39Yeah.
37:40Yeah.
37:41Right.
37:41Well, er, sounds like it's going to be the most wonderful day.
37:45Erm, yeah, nice to see you.
37:47I'll leave you to it.
37:48Bye.
37:49Bye.
37:52You didn't cut to the hair.
37:53No, fuck the hair.
37:54She won't get married without that owl.
38:02There we go.
38:04Right, that's him there.
38:06That's the poor twat who's marrying Mrs Bishop.
38:08Christ almighty.
38:10Flashy cunt.
38:11Exactly that, yes.
38:13And we have reason to suspect that he frequents massage parlours
38:15and occasionally uses your casual sex worker.
38:18Oh, mate.
38:19How do you know that?
38:19Because we're professionals.
38:21Sorry, how do we know that?
38:22Went through his bins.
38:22Went through his bins.
38:24Now, listen.
38:24We can't just go assuming.
38:26We need a bit of proof.
38:27We're going to send our mate in, Rory Finnegan, to entrap him.
38:30All right?
38:31Who's Rory Finnegan?
38:32That's the website done.
38:34Now you need to make a date with Mrs Bishop's fiancée.
38:37My name is Jeremy Chandler.
38:39I'm the senior assistant of Rory Finnegan of Finnegan Enterprises Dubai.
38:42My company is looking to set up a very large leisure centre over there
38:45and would like to raise its profile here in the UK.
38:48Dubai, you say?
38:49You're very welcome to check out our website, of course.
38:50But we prefer to meet Mr Baldwin in person
38:53to discuss the potential of his involvement in this exciting new venture.
39:00Right here, we've got a high-def Wi-Fi IP camera.
39:03Crystal-clear sound.
39:05And the final piece of the puzzle, the room key.
39:11Underneath I'm a thunder and there's magic
39:13And if there's a better way to live, I gotta have it
39:15Because I think I'll date
39:17But when I drink, I'm okay
39:18Gets further away
39:19Every time I try grab it
39:20I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, are you okay?
39:22Got a little peek one day
39:24Made me feel a go at seven
39:25I know it exists
39:26But I can't, I'll get them kissed
39:28One more thing, I'll be added to the list
39:30We are either jerry-tackling
39:32In my rut, my V-Lam, my Uggam's a new
39:34We hiss the fuck
39:35So I stroll a-throw and falls a well-a
39:37Four-digit core, but do you know it's my car-a?
39:40I'm gonna be spending my dough tonight
39:42Two pints out of time
39:43Strolling about like Dolomite
39:44But home for a shite
39:45There do, set you a map
39:47One push, my narrow back
39:48There be it while you're strapping you
39:49From Moki-Pap
39:50One time
39:51And then we both jump down and do your class
39:53Hands down like a man's man
39:54Can't fucks land
39:55Listen to Santa V, Ogin and V
39:57Show, Mark a G-Show
39:58I'm on the upside of the sea
39:59So I'm underneath
40:00I'm with thunder and there's magic
40:01And if there's a better way to live
40:03I gotta have it
40:04Because I think I'll pay
40:05But when I drink I'm okay
40:06It gets further away
40:08Every time I try grab it
40:09Underneath all the chatter in this heaven
40:11Got a little peek one day
40:13Made me feel a go at seven
40:14I know it exists
40:15But I can't stop getting pissed
40:16One more thing
40:18I'll be added to the list
40:19Oh, Mr. Balder, I presume
40:28Rory Finnegan, MBE
40:30But I don't like to talk about my titles
40:33It's a delight to meet you
40:35Come in
40:36Shall we?
40:42Yes
40:42Hi
40:55Now
40:56Are you going to be okay
40:57As a getaway driver
40:58Only statistically
40:59Women are safer drivers than men
41:01Oh, really?
41:03Are they?
41:04Well, statistically
41:05Well, you asked for that?
41:29I'm going to fight them all
41:48I said the nation army couldn't hold me back
41:53They're going to rip it off
41:56Taking their time right behind my back
42:01And I'm talking to myself at night
42:04Now, you leave the out to me
42:06Because I watched a YouTube video last night
42:07And I know what I'm doing, okay?
42:08Are you ready?
42:09One, two, one
42:10What the fuck's that?
42:13Sarah Teesman?
42:14I'm just working
42:14Yeah
42:15Good afternoon
42:16Shit!
42:19Now
42:20Get the fuck out of my way!
42:22Better put your fucking fucking shit!
42:30It's over, huh?
42:32J.K!
42:33J.K!
42:34J.K!
42:34Give me a hat here!
42:37My fucking ass!
42:39Get it, get it!
42:40J.K!
42:41Oh
42:55Still breathing
42:57Let's go
42:59Boxing woman jacket
43:07You look with professionals what he done to it just arresting
43:11In
43:23So what we're looking for old chap is a uk-based promotion
43:31I am starving. What did you bring that will listen? I don't know your tests do I so I just got a selection
43:36I got ham cheese and old reliable
43:38Tuna sweet God
43:40Fucking hate tuna
43:42Oh
43:44Shit
43:46Where's he going?
43:48Fuck's sake I'll handle it
43:50Oh
43:52Oh wait wait sorry
43:54It's just been a little bit
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